how can I be a more gracious senior leader?

by Alison Green on September 19, 2024

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:

I was recently attending a departmental meeting when I realized that — through a combination of steady promotions, organizational shakeups, and senior colleagues leaving over the years — I have somehow become the #3 ranked person in the department, both in terms of title and tenure. This was a surprise to me, because I still feel like a junior staffer on the inside, even though my role and responsibilities have grown significantly in the last few years. (Imposter syndrome?)

During the lunch break, I noticed the VP hanging toward the back of the line so that everyone else could serve themselves first. I realized she did this because the optics of the VP serving herself before everyone else would’ve been bad. This got me thinking about what other social niceties leaders or executives observe that I never noticed, and whether I should start doing the same thing now that I could be considered one of the senior leaders in my department.

I feel like I never got the memo on how to behave like a leader. Like, maybe I shouldn’t stuff my purse full of cookies from the break room anymore, because while that was fine when I was a junior staffer, maybe it looks bad for a senior leader? (The cookies used to be for me, but now they’re for my kids.) I worry that this lack of professional polish will hold me back. Can your readers share tips for behaving like a gracious leader, or things they’ve observed leaders doing that makes them good leaders? Alternatively, tips on what NOT to do if I don’t want to look like a total prat would be appreciated as well.

I love this question. Readers?

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{ 637 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    This could easily spiral into how to be a good manager in general and that’s not what we’re looking for here! This is about the little things — things that really fall under graciousness and what “extras” help a leader achieve that, not the more nuts and bolts of how to manage a staff.

    1. pally*

      Yes! No one wants to hear complaints about workload from a higher up.

      Discussing the tremendous workload is a different matter. As in how to conquer it or how it will be divvied up or prioritized is okay.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        My manager is very solidly middle management, and it drives me crazy when he does this! And now he’s starting to complain about how he has no vacation time saved up and won’t be able to take extra time off at the end of the year.

        Meanwhile, my summer was so busy that I only took off 3 days, besides holidays. And part of that busyness was due to his terrible management of others.

      2. ferrina*

        YES! The person who has power over the workload doesn’t get to complain about the workload. Even if you don’t have complete power, you have a lot more power than the junior staff. Never complain down

        Similarly, never hold yourself as the standard for workload. I expect that the higher up you go, the more hours you might work. That’s why you get paid more. It’s awful when a VP says “I work 50 hours/week, so why are you complaining about working 48 hours/week?”. Because you make 2-3x what I do! You’ve chosen to climb the ladder and taken on more- I’m just a lackey who’s getting through the day!

        1. daeranilen*

          Oh my god, this, so much. My boss has voiced his annoyance that I worked mere 10 hour days instead of 12+ hour days like everyone else during the busy season. I’m… the receptionist, making at BEST a third of his income – which is good for a receptionist in this area, but certainly not 12 hour day money – and (probably mis)classified as exempt so I don’t even get overtime for those 50 hour weeks (though the plan is to change that this January because of the new minimum salary requirement – hooray!).

          What’s really wild is that he’s apparently making comments like this to other employees who ARE working 12+ hour days. My guy, nobody’s impressed that you’re more overworked than anybody else in the office. I’m not even gonna say that’s what you’re making the boss money for – I don’t think anybody should be working these kinds of hours, even seasonally – but when your second-in-command is telling you they’re THIS close to their breaking point, I don’t even know what you’re trying to achieve by highlighting that you clocked more hours than them during the busy season.

        2. MigraineMonth*

          I had a boss who took this to its illogical extreme and complained that he was working for free, so everyone else should be working for free, too.

          Dude, you’re the owner/CEO of the start-up, and you didn’t even offer us stock options. We aren’t going to volunteer as slave labor because it’s been 3 years and you still haven’t managed to launch a product.

          (It’s been at least 10 years, and he still lists himself as owner/CEO on LinkedIn, and he still hasn’t launched a product. A couple of years ago he even tried to convince me to go back, and I laughed at his LinkedIn message.)

      3. a clockwork lemon*

        My team is completely buried at work and it’s been really refreshing to have my boss consistently acknowledge that we are not crazy and the workload/deadlines are wildly unreasonable. The difference is that he’s acknowledging that we’re ALL buried (him included), and discussions about vacation are largely limited to him reminding all of us that we need to be taking time off because we are so clearly burned out.

        It helps that we know he’s also pushing very hard behind the scenes for us to be able to ACTUALLY take our vacation, instead of going on vacation and spending 3-4 hours each day working from wherever we are.

    2. PB Bunny Watson*

      And never, ever complain about your pay or salary. That always irked me, especially fresh out of college, when I knew I was making a tiny fraction of what the top person was making.

      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Addendum: don’t complain about your vacations or how your kitchen remodel is lasting longer than you hoped it would, etc. In other words, don’t complain about things in your personal life that you can afford that others can’t. Very tone-deaf.

        1. Full time reader, part time commenter*

          In addition, the cost of co-pays/deductibles not covered by health insurance are a huge burden on front line staff. When considering their complaints about it, please don’t respond with a rote: this is standard across the industry. Senior leaders are not impacted as sharply due to their higher compensation, while front line staff may struggle or even avoid care for themselves or family members due to these unreimbursed coasts.

        2. RecoveringSWO*

          Yes, I still remember the owner at my first job complaining about tuition costs for his son’s state school. He had arrived in his Ferreri. My 16-year-old self was not sympathetic to his plight…

        3. Crencestre*

          This x 1,000, Slow Gin Lizz!

          In fact, OP, don’t TALK within earshot of your lower-earning staff about buying a vacation home, taking a trip to Paris, having luxury suites at your favorite stadium or other things that those subordinates can’t possible afford and may never be able to have. Doing so only makes you look totally out of touch with the financial realities of THEIR lives and makes them feel envious and embittered.

          This may sound terribly obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many well-off people DON’T know that this is tacky at best and stupidly callous at worst.

          1. Smith Masterson*

            I worked for a CEO who used to own 5 large personal properties and 5 business properties. She talked about them constantly and used the ops group to maintain her properties. Then, when someone had an issue of their own and might have to stay home and wait for the plumber, she would have a fit.

        4. madamproducer*

          I had a former skip level manager send us all her vacation photos from Fiji. One of my co-workers was regularly visiting food-banks to feed her family and Fiji was her literal top of the bucket list dream vacation. There were tears.

          One day I heard my co-worker talking to our department project manager about how much she was paid. I spun around in my chair and told her I was making 30% more than her, and that I was not 30% more valuable – I was just hired by a sympathetic HR person who told me what my predecessor had been making and got me literally 20k more than I had asked for.

          That’s the moment that changed my opinion on not talking about salary. When the company sold off a division less than a year later, she took a job staying with the division that was being sold and as I understand it got a significant pay increase.

      2. Marcella*

        When I was young and making 50Kish, executives making quadruple my salary would complain t9 me about being taxed on their massive bonuses.

        One would sigh and say to my team, “Sometimes I think about just walking away and doing something simple and stress free like you guys.” We were all overworked and stressed out.

        2. ferrina*

          Yeah, never minimize the value of money.

          A VP made a mistake that made me lose a bonus (she low-balled me on a review because she forgot half of what I had done and didn’t read the self-review where I had outlined all of it- which she was supposed to read. Her low score meant I wasn’t qualified for a bonus). She minimized it by saying “Oh, it wasn’t that much at your salary- only a few hundred dollars.”

          1. Smith Masterson*

            I had a CEO deny me a bonus. “She didn’t do much this year.” My boss tried to get me something. After some back and forth, The CEO admitted that I did perform well, but she didn’t want to give me anything.

          2. Ready for the weekend*

            Our publisher got to put in the salary increases for half of our small company employees. The ones who were quiet but did fully their work were in that group. Our main boss apologized but the louder but got less work done ones got the full amount.

      3. Busy Middle Manager*

        Guilty of this but TBH I wish people understood where it comes from. Most of the high paying jobs are in HCOL states with high taxes, some cities like NYC or Philly also have a city tax. All the taxes + the pressure to save for retirement as you get “older” means you’re take home feels like it isn’t budging despite way more gross income.

        I usually only mentioned money when people would mention stuff I “should” be able to afford that I couldn’t actually afford.

        Only later did I realize it sounded like whining!

        Not relevant if you’re super high income though

      4. bs_jobs*

        Or any other benefits, even if they are causing a real issue. For example “my tax bill is so high this year from selling all this stock (at a profit), i’m having to sell more to cover it!” – no one cares!

      5. commensally*

        You can absolutely complain about salary if justified, but you should make sure you phrase it as the lower-down people having it even worse than you.

        i.e. when I started this job we were in the middle of a six-year pay freeze.
        Hearing people with more seniority be dramatic about how they couldn’t possibly live on tens of thousands of dollars more than I would probably ever make was demoralizing. Hearing people with more seniority be dramatic about how impossible it must be for junior staff, and how unjust that was, when they were feeling so squeezed on their much larger salary, was validating.

      6. MagnaCarta*

        Ugh not the C-Levels at my company joking they could make more as sales reps…

        SO tone deaf. Never funny — even if you get a laugh in the room, trust that everyone is grossed out inside. Just don’t go there.

      7. sequitur*

        And don’t complain about your subordinates’ salaries either! I like my boss overall, but it rubs me up the wrong way when she implies that our most junior team member is overpaid/making decent money (I didn’t consider that salary decent money myself when I was making it, and that was with mid-2010s purchasing power) when she’s easily making 3x that salary herself if not more.

      8. tiffany*

        Occasionally the green eyed monster creeps out when I’m unhappy about my life in some way. Like last time a department had a competition for who could solve the most tickets would get a spa weekend, and there was a moment where internally I was like “But Iiiiii want a spa weekend”

        And the most effective internal correction for me is “Do you want their job? Because you’re probably qualified for their job. You could apply for a role in their department and go in the running for the spa weekend and also take a large reduction in salary”

        And the answer is that no, I do not want that. And maybe I should buy myself a spa weekend.

      9. Ada*

        Yes. This. Years ago I had a supervisor complain to me that he couldn’t to keep replacing his tires because of his hobby of driving his car around the race track. Meanwhile, I was down a car because mine was totaled by a drunk idiot AND I was cutting waaaay back on food (literally eating just the bare minimum to survive) so I could save up enough to move somewhere affordable. And I knew I was getting underpaid – both inside the company and for the market – and he knew I knew because I periodically brought him data on the matter. But there was nowhere else local for me to go, so I was stuck.

        I’m doing a lot better now, but that comment still rubs me the wrong way.

      10. Media Monkey*

        100000% this. if i’m struggling to afford food by the end of the month, i don’t want to hear that your diamond shoes are too tight.

      11. inksmith*

        Yes, definitely! My old boss used to complain about how much his rent was as well, but he lived in the fanciest part of our city, so I was always like – you know the rest of us can’t afford to rent a shoe box there, right? If it’s so bad, move.

    3. It's Eusocial not Mesocial*

      This. In my office the second-in-command is constantly complaining about their workload and how they can’t wait to retire (they’ve been saying their retirement is immanent for about 7-8 years).

      This despite the fact that their direct reports have let is slip that almost all the work is delegated to them to the point that their director doesn’t even know some fundamental policies and processes.

      It’s fine – sometimes optimal – for a director to not be involved in the nitty-gritty details/tasks, but to not even understand what they are is terrible.

    4. Joielle*

      Very much agreed with this! My boss is the head of our small department and he does this all the time. I feel like I have to almost apologize for him in meetings where people are asking us to do things (reasonable things that are clearly part of our job). It puts me in a tough position and I think makes both of us look bad.

    5. Miette*

      Also: realizing that no matter how much you’ve got going on, it’s likely multiplied for those below you on the ladder. So have some grace and understanding about their workload in addition to saying you are grateful for their efforts goes a long way.

      When I managed, there was little I could really offer money-wise, but I sure could look the other way for an afternoon off, and bring in snacks to keep spirits up when we had to grind out the deliverables.

    6. Wanderer*

      Not being dramatic in general is a good approach. When the higher-ups panic, it’s a bad sign.
      Of course, if things are bad, you can acknowledge that, just in a matter-of-fact way.

      1. Guacamole Bob*

        Yes – reading this site for years has helped me with tone on this.

        Don’t whine or complain or be dramatic, but also don’t pretend things are rosy if they aren’t. Recognize the work impact of problems but always talk about people respectfully, whether in their presence or not. You can acknowledge, e.g. that another team doesn’t meet deadlines or that a client is particularly finicky about many rounds of revisions, and discuss the impact of that and how to plan around it without saying anything mean, personal, condescending, rude, etc.

        I had a boss who would gossip and say kinda mean stuff about others to me, and it really made me wonder what she said about me to others. Don’t talk about other people, company decisions, etc. in ways that would reflect badly on you if they were overheard.

    8. Snarkus Aurelius*

      I currently work for a micromanager, and all she does is complain about her workload and how I keep adding to it.

      You *chose* to review everything we do without any justification. You do it because you don’t trust anyone. That’s not my problem!

    9. umami*

      Yes! And chatter about ‘just need that third cup of coffee and I’ll be ready to deal with things’ is something to keep to yourself.

    10. dgrvokny*

      We just had a senior director complain about a middle of the night outage and how he just could not get back to sleep afterwards, blah, blah, blah.

      This was in a room of people who’d been part of an on-call rotation most of their careers. Yes, getting paged in the middle of the night is awful. Yes it can be impossible to get back to sleep after getting paged. We know!!

    11. Newbie*

      omg this!! my curent manager is constantly complaining to me about workload, coworkers, lack of time off (he did thisin august after he took 2 weeks off and had yet to take any time off this entire year….) makes me want to pull my hair out.

  3. Biff*

    Oh my god, no… do not take snacks from the break room home from work. Snacks are for AT WORK only. That is just tacky at any level.

    1. Biff*

      You know, I’ll say that maybe a small snack for the ride home is okay when you have a long commute. But not to put in your home pantry for your kids!

      1. LCK*

        I think this is a little context dependent – I work at a BigLaw firm in NYC that has snacks paid for by the firm, and it’s very normal to stash them/ hoard them/ bring a reasonable amount home except for the most senior partners. The thinking is very much (1) this job steals many things from me, (2) the expense absolutely does not affect my compensation, the bottom line, or any but the most senior/ wealthiest partners, (3) it’s assumed people will do this, and it’s budgeted for. Obviously use your judgment, but it’s very normal to grab some extra gummy bears for the road, or take some cookies home from an internal event, as long as there’s more than enough for everyone. The caveat here though is no one is spending their own money on these, and it’s not at all a limited resource. I think the calculations would be really different in my prior nonprofit context, for example

        1. Ole Pammy's Getting What She Wants*

          agreed – i think this is VERY office/culture dependent. I work at a small creative firm and we really try not to waste food, so anything left at the end of the day is up for grabs for taking home. the only unwritten exception is when we have enough catering left over to have lunch the next day too, and even then if there is enough left it’s fine to take a little something home to spruce up your dinner. i will say we dont do a ton of packaged/nonperishable snacks though.

          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            Agreed. I’ve worked in an even mix of take it home and eat it here offices. Besides being explicitly told to take things home, people would offer to pack stuff up for each other. Meanwhile the eat it here folks pack it all in the fridge each day, and throw away whatever isn’t eaten in Friday. There’s so much more waste, especially after potlucks.

        2. PB Bunny Watson*

          Yes! I remember when I was first starting out, and I somehow ended up as the head of this professional work group. I was making very little over minimum wage, but I still brought refreshments I paid for out of pocket. At the end of the meeting, there were a ton of leftovers and even somethings that were unopened. Before I had the chance to pack up, one of the people (who was a Director of a participating organization) scooped up everything to bring home. I was in my 20s so I wasn’t going to stop her, but it’s something that lives in my brain as what not to do.

          1. Morning Gloria*

            Yes…at my organization the management always encourages the employees to take the leftovers home. If the vendors send gifts, those go to the employees as well. It’s an unspoken rule.

          2. Lori*

            I bet you now wish you’d thought quickly enough to say something like “ Oh thanks so much fo getting that for me! I appreciate the help”!

        3. Blue Pen*

          Yes, agreed. There’s a difference between “grocery shopping” at work (i.e., filling up a bag with food and snacks) and taking leftovers/extras (a few extra cookies for your kids) that have already been budgeted for. I mean, what is the alternative—letting it go to waste?

          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            In some office cultures that is sadly the answer. I’ve worked in a couple of offices like that.

        4. MFG*

          I completely agree! In tech, they have take-out containers in the micro-kitchens to make it easier for you to take home snacks. They package up lunch leftovers and leave them out for people to take home for dinner.

      2. Meri*

        If you’ve got 2 kids, it wouldn’t be bad to take 2 cookies for them and none for yourself because, at least at my company, that’s a common quantity to take.

      3. Spicy Tuna*

        I once worked at a satellite office of a very large multinational company. We had a bottled water dispenser in the breakroom – the kind where there is a big 5 gallon bottle that gets tipped into the dispenser. One of my co-workers had a long commute and would re-fill her water bottle before leaving the office for the day. Our branch manager complained about that.

    2. Idontplaygames*

      I thought it was meant to just be a funny, throwaway comment! At least that’s how I took it :)

      But aside from that, I think small things like if you see someone carrying a bit too much when walking through the door, waiting to hold the door (or offering to grab something) go a long way!

      1. Idontplaygames*

        Ooo and not talking about money (good or bad). You just finished your basement with surround sound? I don’t want to know. You’re annoyed about having to pay for new tires? How do you think I feel when that happens to me?

        1. Bast*

          Yeah, we had one of these at Old Job and it tanked morale. She’d complain about the “cost of living going up” and “I can barely stand going to the grocery store” speeches to the staff. The same staff that she was making about 3x as much as. The same staff waiting to hear back from WIC and SNAP because their benefits were slashed while she complained about how much her Whole Foods order cost.

          1. Great Frogs of Literature*

            The day after we had big layoffs, one of the C-level folks made a comment about “I hope you can’t hear my gardener” in a department-wide meeting about the reorg. And it just landed… incredibly badly. (Context is US, FYI.) Something like “I hope you aren’t getting the noise from the lawnmower” would have been fine, but something about “my gardener” came across with a real “you peons are worried about your jobs, but meanwhile I can’t be bothered to do my own weeding.” (And I say this as someone who absolutely hires someone to schlep mulch around and build garden beds and trim trees and shrubs.) The timing was particularly bad, but I think the lack of class/financial privilege awareness would have gone badly at any point.

            1. Tree*

              At the beginning of the pandemic, the law firm I worked at cut our salaries. We had monthly zoom calls where the COO would brag about how great the firm was doing & how we haven’t lost clients. Then he made recommendations like: get out and exercise, while showing a picture of the 3 new kayaks he bought sitting out on the lawn of his palatial lakeside home. READ THE ROOM.

              1. Media Monkey*

                the CEO in the company i worked for during the pandemic did that – from his villa in the south of france. meanwhile half the staff was furloughed and those of us who weren’t were working for 85% of our salaries.

            2. My oh my*

              This is funny. I’ve been paying for someone to mow my grass and help plant things for years, but I think of him as a small business owner whose services I pay for. Yes, I guess he is “my gardener” but I would never refer to him as that! I think I call him my lawn guy. I have some mobility issues, so do hire out a lot of things. I’m going to come up with fancy names for them all now, to sound pretentious :-)

              1. used*

                In my house we refer to each other by the titles we think the cat would give us – e.g. I’m the Chief of Staff, my son is the Student Intern, my husband is Head of Maintenance. :)

            3. br_612*

              And it’s so funny because I say “the lawn guy” when this happens on my calls. Somehow “lawn guy” versus “gardener” comes across as more “I’m solidly middle class and pay a guy $30 a week to mow the lawn because I live alone and am deathly allergic to fire ants” whereas “gardener” comes across as “I have many lavish flowerbeds that require constant maintenance and award winning roses that I don’t actually ever touch but I get the awards anyway”.

              The fire ants thing is true, btw. That’s why I have a lawn guy, I don’t want to risk anaphylaxis in my own yard. I also have an EXCELLENT pest control service where I pay extra for what the guy on the phone called “the fire ant nuclear option”. Haven’t seen a single fire ant pile since I hired them.

              1. Jessica Ganschen*

                Oh mood. I currently live in an apartment, so that’s taken care of for me anyway, but if I ever move to a house, I’m physically disabled (foot problems, back problems, and asthma), so I’d consider it well worth it to pay for lawn mowing and snow shoveling.

            4. Not That Kind of Doctor*

              We had someone in upper management include their vacation pictures in the whole-department post-layoffs email. The reaction was what you’d imagine.

            5. Morning Reader*

              It’s funny but I think of the line “my gardener” in the context of Lord of the Rings, when Frodo and Samwise are captured by (memory fails) bad guys and they ask Sam who he is, he says, I’m his gardener. So I think of “gardener” as a euphemism for best friend, soul mate, comrade in arms, ride-or-die companion, possibly lover. If someone had mentioned “my gardener” I’m not sure if I would understand although maybe lawnmower noise would give context. Without context, I might think he had his best friend tied up in another room somewhere.
              To be clear, I don’t know anyone who has a gardener.

              1. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

                You’re thinking of when they’re captured by Faramir and his guards and Faramir asks what Sam’s purpose is.

            6. Screenname*

              Early in the pandemic, before Zoom backgrounds were much of a thing, we had a company wide town hall meeting. Senior leadership had mostly found spaces with pretty nondescript backdrops – a bookcase, a sofa. One of them managed a completely blank bit of wall. The exception was the person who appeared sitting in front of their white grand piano!

        2. ThatGirl*

          Yeah the VP of our department has mentioned a few times the huge gut reno they did to her house and all the fancy new features and I’m like dang, lady, can I get a 5% raise?

          1. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

            One of our directors is doing home renos and they are currently staying rent free in company housing. No one knew that for months because they never spoke of it. Another director was building a summer home and we heard all the details every time something went wrong. The slate counter is the wrong shade of slate. The floor to ceiling customs drapes are on backorder, they had to extend the gas line another 10 feet to reach the pool deck. Meanwhile the people they’re complaining to had their pay frozen and bonuses cut 25 percent.

        3. It's Eusocial not Mesocial*

          I’ve dealt with this… my boss had been complaining about how long her kitchen renovation and addition projects were taking. Meanwhile I had to sell my house because I couldn’t afford to fix the roof.

          Also the commute… they can afford to live close enough to walk to work, while I have a 90 minute commute.

          1. Slow Gin Lizz*

            Yeah, I made a similar comment in the above thread about not complaining about kitchen renovations or whatever. I had a grandboss at my last nonprofit job who had taken a pay cut to work there, but it was sort of a semi-retirement job for her. Both she and her husband were accountants and she talked a lot about how she sent her three kids to private school and her vacation house on the lake or how when she did finally retire she was taking that trip to Hawaii. Meanwhile most of us were making half what she was (which, I remind you, had been a pay cut for her) and I could barely afford my rent.

        4. SLG*

          Ha! So true. There once was a department head who was introduced at an all-hands meeting I was part of. In those days we were hiring a lot of people and there was almost always someone new at this big meeting, so to keep things fun and congenial, the all-hands host kept a bucket of getting-to-know-you questions and would pull one out of the bucket at each meeting and ask new hires to answer it. A fair amount of thought went into making sure the questions were pleasant, surface-level, not likely to make anyone feel embarrassed to answer, and we always told the new hires ahead of time that this would happen.

          Which is how the new department head got asked something like “What’s your favorite place to travel?” and answered “You know, the first-class flight from the US to Dubai is just amazing, they really do a good job.”

          I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many eyes rolling at the same time!

        5. BoratVoiceMyWife*

          I report to someone who does this right now. as a courtesy I asked for management’s approval to perform freelance work outside of business hours because I can’t make ends meet no matter how hard I try, and of course they allowed it, but in the same breath my direct manager loves to complain during our 1:1s about “how much the country club membership increased this year” and how “tax time was tough because they had $400k in rental income last year.” fuck off

    3. The Original K.*

      There have been really funny/tacky stories here from readers who have seen colleagues take, like, whole steam trays of food home. Cracks me up.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        We had someone steal a bunch of disposable plates, etc., after a retirement party. Very annoying. (People use them for takeout/delivery food.)

    4. Pink Flamingo*

      I… sort of disagree with this? At least, I don’t think it’s that black and white. Like, if the breakroom is regularly is stocked with snacks, I agree, don’t take home a bunch of little bags of Doritos to pack in your kids’ lunches. That’s just stealing. And “stuffing your purse” with homemade cookies that someone left in the breakroom is not a great look. But if there was a team celebration and there’s leftover cake, or a lunchtime meeting was catered and someone put the leftovers in the lunchroom, I don’t think it’s a faux pas to snag some. Make sure everyone has a chance to have some first, but if there are leftovers at the end of the day, I see nothing wrong with people grabbing a cookie to take home for later.

      1. Olive*

        For the #3 person, I think that modelling behavior and giving others permission to do thes same thing is the best course. If the breakroom is stocked and the company can easily afford extras, be vocal about taking *one* extra snack. “Oh, I like to take one for the ride home, you should get one too if you want.”

      2. metadata minion*

        Yeah, I’m in a university library that hosts events and there’s periodically a “dear god please take home the leftovers” message on Slack when there’s been a particularly sparsely attended or over-catered event.

        1. Relentlessly Socratic*

          And all the grad students emerge, blinking, from their caves and eat another day!
          Signed,
          Former Grad Student Who Appreciated Those Messages

      3. Wonderland*

        there’s a world of difference between being the first one to snag the leftovers and being the last one in the office, getting whatever would otherwise be binned. just like senior staff should be at the end of the line for the buffet, they should be encouraging jr staff to get leftovers in whatever way is reasonable (maybe modelling it, maybe just encouraging it) before they get the shot of the food waste.

    5. WillowSunstar*

      I would say maybe it’s ok for a very entry-level person on a low wage, definitely not ok for a higher up though. We’ve all been the entry-level person eating stuff like ramen noodles/canned soup on a regular basis because we couldn’t afford better food.

    6. Dawn*

      I think when you’re probably also the number 3 earner in the company, the optics of stuffing your purse with anything from the break room aren’t great. Whether it’s right or not, people observing may be saying to themselves, “Look at her, taking food from us when she could definitely afford her own cookies!”

      And honestly, there’s some truth to that. Stop at a bakery or a coffee shop on the way home and buy cookies for your children.

      1. Hannah Lee*

        I’ve mentioned this before, but the senior marketing director (highly compensated, very snooty, designer clothes, racing green Jaguar, etc) at one of my first jobs got caught with many rolls of company toilet paper she’d stolen from the supply closet in her gigantic designer bag.

        It was an incredibly bad look and I don’t think her reputation ever recovered. Decades later, when I think of her or even that job in general, that is what comes to mind.

      2. amoeba*

        Not that relevant, but the OP says they are the No 3 most senior person in the *department* not the whole company. That’s quite a difference, at least in my (big) company! As in… the No. 3 in the department would basically be one of my lowly peers (we all report directly to our director). The No. 3 in the company would C-level for sure!

      3. ferrina*

        This. It’s a bad look. It’s one thing when you are barely making ends meet (I’ve been there), but if you can afford your own snacks at home, buy them yourself.

        If there are leftovers, offer them to the lowest-paid staff first. Encourage them to take a whole tray! Only take leftovers home if every other person has refused them.

    7. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Stuff that will go bad should be taken home by someone at the end of the day. Leaving baked goods out for days is a problem when nobody wants to take the last one or feels wasteful throwing away 20 cookies.

      It took us 6 months to rid our building of mice because of snacks everywhere.

      Throw it out or take it home

      1. Biff*

        In that case, it should be a memo.

        “Team: the cookies we brought in on Wednesday for the All hands meeting need to be gone tonight to avoid pests. Please help yourself to a few to take home before 4pm. I’ll be taking the remainder home tonight, if there are any still leftover at that time.”

        2. ferrina*

          I wouldn’t say “I’ll be taking the remainder home”, but I agree with the rest of this. Offer the leftovers to the team!

          Say that folks have until 4, then wait until 4:30 or 5 before actually taking any home yourself. If a junior staffer is slammed, they may not be able to get there on time. Even better- if you know a junior staffer would appreciate food but is slammed, walk the tray over to them or go to them personally to check if they want food. I had an office manager that used to do this to me when I was the lowest paid person, and I will love her forever (shout out to Dee!!)

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          This is the solution, I think. People (except the rhino-hided kind who will take entire deli trays without qualm and such) really do want to know the parameters, and having them laid out solves a lot of problems before they start.

    8. Beth*

      One difference I note about the senior staff who I admire (vs myself/people at my level/senior staff I don’t particularly admire) is that they mostly don’t give themselves leeway to do the little naughty things that most of us let ourselves get away with once in a while.

      Taking snacks home from the break room is an example of that kind of thing, to me. Should anyone do it? Probably not. Would I be really upset at seeing a peer sneak an extra cookie into his purse for his kid? Nah, it’s not the end of the world. Would I be surprised to see our team’s most senior member doing the same thing? Kind of!

      I see a lot of people here talking about complaining (about work, finances, vacation, etc)–that’s also in this bucket. Ideally none of us would be big complainers at work, but most of us can get away with a little bit without a reputation hit. But someone who’s presenting as a polished, responsible, trustworthy senior professional is probably not doing even that little bit.

      1. Biff*

        I once had a senior staffer who was specifically naughty to give junior staff some wiggle room — that I can grant, but I agree, senior staffers need to be really careful about what leeway they grant themselves.

        1. Beth*

          True! I love a senior who models behavior that they want their team to know is OK (even if it’s not strictly in professional norms)–like insisting on a real lunch break on a packed day, or using all your PTO, or taking the flexibility to leave for a dr’s appointment and finish up work later. Maybe the real goal is to be conscientious and intentional about what leeway you take, knowing that you’re modeling team culture for everyone else.

            1. Mary*

              Came here to say this. Model humane working for your department/team. Be explicit about what is expected: take sick time if you need it, use your vacation time. If someone feels like they can’t take off time that means as a leader you are not managing the work properly. Never speak ill of anyone at any level whether you think you are in private or not. You shouldn’t undermine more senior leadership and must not undermine anyone junior to you. I know, lots of times there are problems. But as a senior leader you are making the choice to lead within an organization and part of leadership is both acknowledging challenges but also figuring out how to deal with them effectively. There will always be things that are hard about work – explicitly give people space to do what they need to take care of themselves and you will get better results than pretending everything is perfect and demanding people ignore their own needs in favor of the organization.

    9. Seashell*

      I used to bring in leftover cookies from the millions my mother would make for Christmas and bring to my house and leave them in the breakroom. I would have been thrilled if people took them home, because I wound up taking the leftovers home if they weren’t eaten.

    10. a clockwork lemon*

      My first job had a very food-heavy culture so we had a decent number of catered lunches for all-hands meetings. We always had too much food and it always cracked me up that people were ADAMANT that I (the most junior and lowest paid person on the team) should take home, like, full catering trays of pasta and stuff like that. But whatever didn’t get eaten that day was up for grabs at all levels, because the alternative was throwing away perfectly good food.

    11. Productivity Pigeon*

      I used to work at a big4 consultancy and I was going a project for the government.
      My firm was very conscious of optics so we avoided taxis and things like that. It’s our tax money too, after all.

      We worked together with a large law firm and at one point spent three weeks sequestered with them at their office preparing documents.

      My firm would have catered lunch for that kind of thing but we would’ve been careful about it. The law firm was NOT.

      We had several days where we got a buffet with lamb racks, salmon, tiny quiches with flowers on them, three types of alcohol free beer…

      During those weeks, I became friendly with the law firm’s catering staff and I asked them once about the buffets, because not only was there a large variety for “unimportant” staffers like myself, there was also SO MUCH food.

      Turns out the law firm partner always ordered too much and took the rest home.

      And billed the government…

      I almost contacted the governmental whistleblower line for that.

    12. Banana Pyjamas*

      If op is in a take it home culture, I think the answer is to remind staff to take home leftovers too, and wait until after they’ve had their pick.

    13. McS*

      If personnel do their own dishes, always do the extra dishes that someone else forgot. If you use the coffee machine, be the person who makes the coffee. If someone has to run out to pick up lunch, be that person if you can. Leave on time. Schedule send so your messages arrive during work hours. Avoid showing up in person while people are doing hands-on work without a good reason.

        1. Helewise*

          That’s what I was thinking. Some of these things are tricky because they can pigeonhole us and reinforce problematic gender norms.

    14. Nosy*

      My workplace often over-plans for food, meaning there’s leftovers at the end of the day. We’re encouraged to take it home. It’s already paid for and it’s better to eat it rather than trash it. No one is bringing in tupperware or carrying out an armful of cookies but taking a plate or a few snacks to go is fine. Except now my kids always ask if I brought home cookies lol.

    15. Lusara*

      If you’re referring to the comment about the cookies, I read it that the “kids” are his/her staff. Meaning if you get treats from a vendor or client, put them out for the staff to share.

      1. DisgruntledPelican*

        Sorry, this is a very weird read. Nothing else in the letter is giving off the vibe OP thinks of herself as “mom” to a bunch of employee “kids” so I don’t think there’s any reason to assume she didn’t mean she used to stuff the cookies in her purse for herself and now she brings them home to her actual children.

        And just to further the point and answer OPs question in one go – um, don’t refer to your employees as your kids. It’s weird and infantilizing.

    16. MCMonkeybean*

      If we’re talking leftover cookies sitting out that will get tossed at the end of the day, I think it’s fine to take some *if* there are a lot of leftovers or if you’re one of the last people in the office.

      My partner runs the after care program at a local school and she brings home food and treats for me sometimes, but she’s usually the last person to leave so she’s just bringing home whatever is leftover and would orherwise be thrown away.

  4. Butt in Seat*

    The people I consider good leaders, do things that fall in the category of “looking out for the little guy” where “little guy” includes lower ranked individuals in their own department, but also other functional areas.

    So, things like hanging back in the buffet line, but also being more aware of equity issues and trying to resolve them (or proactively prevent them via good policy changes); recognizing the power differential you now possess and using it for good, etc.

    I highly suggest reading “You Have More Influence Than You Think” by Vanessa Bohns. There is a section on power differentials at work and the way that many supervisors/VIPs don’t really recognize how much power they have over others and therefore sometimes act like jerks, and ways to mitigate that.

    1. Esme_Weatherwax*

      And bonus points if you can help the “little guy” without making it paternalistic. Invite someone to work with you on a task where they can learn to do what they need without it being A Lecture. Respect the insight from their point of view (remember how often the leaders seemed not to get it when you were in the trenches?) Think of leading as sitting alongside the team, listening as well as speaking, thinking about what they need to know to be successful, respecting their time and talent. Those are the leaders I respect much more than those who assume they know it all.

      1. Angstrom*

        Make sure the work of your team is made visible. Be generous about giving credit for good work and be humble about accepting it.
        Ask your team “What tools do you need to do your job well? What are the things that make it difficult for you to do your work?” Then do your best to act on what they tell you.

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          This is good advice. I remember reading management advice about making sure your team gets credit with the company for good work but if anything goes wrong, it’s your, the manager’s, fault. This might not be blanket advice but a good thing to keep in mind.

    2. Juicebox Hero*

      It also means being just as warm and gracious to the low men on the totem pole as you’d be to your peers. Janitorial staff, customer service people, phone reps, loading dock workers are really important to a business, and anyone who deals with the public already has to put up with 47 kinds of hell. Nothing is more demoralizing than some upper management jerk looking down their nose at you and refusing to support you.

      1. Reebee*

        “Be nice to those you meet on the way up because you will meet them on the way down.”

        –Wilson Mizner

    3. Anonym*

      So right about power differentials. I recently saw an email signature from a managing director that was very explicit about how her sending emails off hours does not mean that you’re expected to respond off hours.

      I’ve seen vaguer versions of it, but this was very explicit and clear. I think that’s a really important recognition of how the power differential may affect more junior people in the organization, and it leaves no question as to her expectations.

    4. Trotwood*

      I also think demonstrating that you’re there to help get the work done when you’re asking people to go above and beyond is huge. We had a great leader on my team who, if the team needed to come in on Saturday to push through a big deadline, he was there bringing us pizza, doing little things to help us get our work done faster, etc., even if he wasn’t directly contributing to the task at hand. The rest of the managers would be checking out at 2 pm on Friday like “can’t wait to see all this work done when we get back on Monday!” But the one manager who really showed up for us made a big difference.

    6. Emmy*

      Even if you think you know the answer to a question or what your employee is about to ask, let them finish their entire thought or question before you start! I have a manager who will cut you off mid thought and start to answer and sometimes she guesses wrong what I am going to ask. It is so frustrating.

  5. Venus*

    Honestly? Things like taking extra cookies and waiting at the back of a line aren’t nearly as relevant as being fair and kind with employees’ work, and addressing problem employees before they ruin morale.

    It’s like Alison’s advice about wellness at work: employees care more about fair working conditions than the little things.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      I think you make a valid point. I am not disagreeing. But I think the smaller, social actions have value as well. Specifically because OP noticed and thought about how s/he should act similarly.
      These small things show people that you are always thinking about the staff, even when it’s not review time, or a big project, or something highly visible or typically scheduled.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        For me the biggest social action is cleaning up after oneself.

        Higher ups who leave dirty dishes in the sink, food to rot in the fridge, or potential rodent buffets in/on their desks are not only setting a terrible example, they are being openly contemptuous of everyone else using the space. At best they really are clueless enough to think that little fairies clean up after them, at worst their reports are supposed to be be their personal custodial staff.

        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          I had a grand boss who dumped her old coffee in the break room garbage. We didn’t have cleaners, so whoever was assigned to clean the break room that day would get dripped all over.

      2. Smithy*

        Yes – I’d build on this to add part of being fair with employees and addressing their problems is being seen as someone available to come to with problems. When Anthony Bourdain addressed the Mario Batali claims – and how the fact that he wasn’t seen him as a safe person to confide in was an issue he needed to reflect on personally.

        Being the last to get lunch alone won’t do it, but it’s often a collection of actions like that which support junior people on your team and at your employer having that trust. Because the reason that VP goes last is so more junior people have the highest likelihood of getting the type and quantity of food they prefer first. The vegetarians get enough of the non-meat options, those avoiding gluten get the serving of salad with more than just lettuce , etc etc. Because if at the end of the day, the VP doesn’t find what’s left filling – they know that by making more it’s less of a financial burden to buy a snack/replacement lunch than their most junior members. The flip side is if it’s a case where a team is holding back from food being served, a VP can start serving themselves to break that ice. Part of that leadership modeling is taking that extra 30 seconds, reading the room and seeing where they can support best.

        https://medium.com/@Bourdain/on-reacting-to-bad-news-28bc2c4b9adc

    2. Not a Girl Boss*

      My first thought was along the same lines. In some ways, its good to be blissfully unaware of your rank, because that means you are humble and likely act like “one of the people”. One thing that drives me crazy is when senior leadership treats me like its MY honor to be meeting them and its so *generous* of them to be donating time/energy to speak with me or remember my name.

      Its a really tough balance to pull of: obviously your rank does carry weight whether or not you want it to, so its important to be mindful of any unintentional ways your inherent power might negatively impact people (like jumping in line first, dominating a meeting, or saying an off-hand thought out loud that people interpret as a command)…. on the other hand, we are all just people, and you don’t want to lose cite of that by hyper-focusing on your new-found power.
      By focusing on people rather than positions, its easier for you to understand and advocate for the fundamentals like letting people have flexible schedules or making sure your workplace is inclusive.

    3. Beth*

      If you’re managing people, that’s definitely priority #1.

      I think OP’s question can apply to senior-level individual contributors as well, though. It’s good to think about this even if you’re not formally in charge of anyone. Anyone who’s relatively senior and experienced on a team will be seen, to some extent, as a role model and mentor for junior team members, and will have more power on the team than those junior team members have.

    4. becca*

      I think the little stuff–like waiting at the back of the line or not taking too many cookies–are one of those things where it’s not super important if it’s consistent with the rest of your managing style/philosophy (like being someone who’s known for advocating for those under you, and taking care of problems), but if it’s *inconsistent* with your managing style, it’s just a big flag of hypocrisy waving in the face of everyone under you. Like, you don’t care if Bob is waiting at the back of the line if that’s just part of who Bob is; if Bob is a raging power-hungry jerk who throws his subordinates under the bus, the fact that he’s waiting at the back of the line becomes one more example of his contradictory behavior and lack of self-awareness.

    5. Fig Season*

      Largely yes you’re on point, but how many letters have we seen here about coworkers holding petty grudges or treating someone like garbage because they didn’t say “good morning” (or otherwise conform to a very specific idea of proper etiquette held by one employee)? It’s still important to pay attention to the small signals and it sounds like that is what the LW is asking for here.

  6. Yikes*

    NOT TAKING THE LEFTOVERS HOME! My organization’s lead, despite making $300k+, is always the first to take home leftover pizza, treats, etc. and it drives junior staff crazy.

    1. The Original K.*

      On a similar note, a senior leader at a previous employer would always be first in line to serve himself at work lunches. In front of STUDENTS. He made something like $350K (and had had a lucrative career in industry before) and the students at this public institution were as a whole, not wealthy. It was SUCH a bad look.

    2. Elle*

      It’s confounding to me that people need to be told this. You can, actually, afford cookies for your kids. You don’t need to take the ones available at work.

      I was thinking, also, that it’s not great optics for a parent- “You, my team, are literally right here, and yet my mind is on providing cookies to my children.” But perhaps that’s some internalized sexism on my part… something to think about!

      1. Ally McBeal*

        True that they CAN afford their own cookies… but unfortunately they (and we) all know that old maxim that millionaires don’t stay millionaires by spending their own money.

      2. Ole Pammy's Getting What She Wants*

        interesting point that it could be construed as “my kids deserve these more than you” !!! will not be able to unsee that now

    3. Hannah Lee*

      That kind of fits for me in a general category of ‘don’t misuse your power/rank’

      Like if random Joe was always first to take leftovers or snagging ALL the cookies, other people would push back on him. But if someone higher up in the chain is doing it, most people aren’t going to challenge it (no matter how bad in makes the VP or whatever look)

      So before you flex your status to get some advantage in a situation where people with less power, status, lower pay, wealth would lose out in some way, THINK! Is it worth it? Does it fit with your long term goals, values in that job, your career, your life? Is “Yay! I scored free Whoopie Pies for my kids’ dessert!” something that’s worth looking like a greedy self-centered dope, losing the respect of people you work with, from that moment forward?

      1. Elle*

        You hit the nail on the head. This is the crux of it for me: is it worth it. I am very reluctant to take advantage of “free stuff.” A big part of the whole getting paid more as a member of leadership thing, to me, is that I’m gonna go buy my own cookies. I’ve got cookie money. I’m not gonna be a jerk and take y’all’s.

    4. Snarkus Aurelius*

      When I throw office parties, I encourage the people who make the least to go first in the buffet line. In my case, it’s the janitorial and security staff. Every. Single. Time. They are shocked when I make this offer. Says way more about my leadership, eh?

      1. Magdalena*

        Hmm, they might also feel put singled out in less than a great way if that’s literally what you say.

        I remember once at a casual church group hangout a big deal was made of “letting all the women go first in the buffet line” before the men would deign to go, and it came across as condescending and othering.

        Not saying that you personally do that of course, just something to be aware of.

  7. ElsaBug*

    I have learned to speak last or not at all during brainstorming sessions. Staff believe my word is the final word and conversations end (no matter how many times I tell them I’m just brainstorming too!)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      seconded – shut up and listen. If people are still hesitant to talk, ask questions. Be really transparent (both ways) when you are asked about something you don’t know and need input from a SME who might be junior to you. Example: I manage surgery coders. I am a coder, but I am not a surgery coder – I have SMEs and leads on my team who are the surgery coding experts. If I get questions about surgery coding, I go to the experts, and when I pass along their information to answer the questions, I give credit to the experts who provided the information, I don’t make it sound like I knew the answers myself. (I did know where to get the answers, which is MY job and MY skill.)

      1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

        Read ‘sugary cookies’ and I would like that job. I am also going to have more caffeine.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I (and everyone on my teams) work remotely, so there have been more than a few times that I put sugary cookies in the oven in between meetings. (I keep pre-portioned frozen dough in my freezer so it’s literally three steps of 30 seconds each — turn on the oven and put the dough pucks on a tray, put the tray in the oven when it beeps and set a timer, take the tray out the oven when the timer goes off.)

          Sometimes you need the hot fresh chocolate chip cookies to get through the last meeting of the day, especially when it becomes the second-to-last unexpectedly :P

      2. Jojo*

        Seconding this. Make sure to give people credit where credit is due. Oh, and another one. If you have admin professionals, treat them with respect and if you hear someone junior talking poorly about an admin, shut that down and explain why.

    2. ErieNotSpooky*

      Couldn’t agree more here! This goes double if you have a straight-forward, no-nonsense tone. I’ve seen multiple brainstorming sessions shut down when my boss offers an opinion, bc if you didn’t know her *very* well, you would think she’s making a ruling on the topic.

      1. Escapee from Corporate Management*

        Yup. Let everyone else speak first. In fact, if they can reach a consensus without your saying anything other than “great job”, they will feel empowered.

    3. DEJ*

      I had a blow up with a former boss over something like this. I’d be thinking that we were having a brainstorming conversation and she’d be thinking that I was arguing with her. I learned to read her cues better after we talked it out.

    4. HailRobonia*

      Executive: The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don’t know. Something along the lines of, say, Poochie. Only more proactive. Yeah!

      [Door Slams]

      Writers: So, Poochie okay with everybody? Yeah.

      1. knxvil*

        “Hey Poochie, you look like you’ve got something to say–do you?”
        “Yes I do! I–” *slide whistle*

        Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet

    5. noom*

      I’ve seen this advice in terms of assessing job candidates too. If you’re the most senior person / the one who will ultimately make the decision, and you’re looking for input from others then hold back on your opinion, either totally or until others have had their say.

    6. Butterfly Counter*

      This happens with teaching, too, and I have to be aware.

      I have my upper level students lead discussions, of which I try to be an active participant. It’s fun, I’m learning as well, and sometimes it helps get the discussion going if people are stumped or shy about sharing.

      However, if a discussion is going well, I know to hang back and wait until the answers have dwindled down before I share my own opinion because, by being the teacher, some students think my opinion is the one that’s “right.”

    7. ferrina*

      This.
      It is also deeply appreciated if you directly ask someone for advice if you know they have experience in something. “Hey, I think you worked on a similar project for Client X. Anything that you would recommend for this project?”

    8. Not a Girl Boss*

      Along the same lines: you have to learn to be very carefully about thinking out loud or making off-hand comments in front of the wrong crowd. Assume that they will take it as the law instead of a starting point suggestion or a passing thought.

      So often, a leader will say something like “Oh, this wall looks bad, maybe we should paint it blue?” and then come in the next day to see a blue wall and be shocked / pleasantly surprised the wall is blue. In the meantime, there’s been an entire group of really angry worker bees making comments like “doesn’t she know blue is the worst color choice?” and “ugh, a light cleaning would have worked fine this is such overkill” and “OMG I worked 60 hours this week to keep a customer from firing us but now I have to stay late because of a freaking WALL color?!?”

    10. NewFlora*

      Yes, this. My manager recently held a ‘brainstorming’ session where he spent the first 1/2 of the meeting telling us what he was thinking of doing and why he felt it was justified, and then asked if we agreed. Not too much for us to say after that.

    12. No Boom Today. Boom Tomorrow.*

      This x1000! It was a very hard lesson for me to learn, and once I did (well into my tenure as a senior leader) there were a lot more interesting and creative projects and solutions proposed from the rest of the team.

      Part of why it was a hard lesson for me is that I have always been very explicit with my team: you can correct me, contradict me, ask questions, give me critical feedback, I welcome it all! And for a long time I thought that — plus affirming that by actually being open to questions and humble about criticism when those things came up — was enough. But whether consciously or not, other people often shut down when I led with my own opinions. Now they are much more open, and as a bonus, doing this way gives me a lot more opportunities to praise publicly and reinforce the behaviors I want to see!

  8. Lbj*

    I love this question too—as a fellow neurodivergent I get lost in the sauce sometimes. It’s not a big deal to move on from a hobby, but changing gears professionally can be harder. A tool I like to use is having a “third space” where you actually go elsewhere to do the different activity. For me that’s been a yoga studio, community pool, pottery studio, park for hiking or socializing, bar trivia, standup comedy, etc. Then by the time I get home I’m usually tired and don’t feel like making more bananapants, so that energy gets saved for work or weekends.

    1. Ole Pammy's Getting What She Wants*

      great advice, but i think wrong post! :) fellow ND and having a third place/unrelated hobby is so, so important.

  9. Potato Potato*

    Here’s one that I appreciate from leaders. When they pay attention to who’s trying to talk in a conversation, and make room for them if they’re being interrupted or struggling

    1. LizB*

      Yes! +100. This is really helpful when leaders notice who is taking up all the air in a conversation and help that person take a step back so others can chime in.

    2. Blue Pen*

      Yes, as someone who’s very introverted, it’s not easy for me to pipe up in meetings. I always appreciate when my manager and director (and other leaders) go out of their way to listen to me and even help me pinpoint my thoughts.

    3. Pidgeot*

      Repeat and attribute. If Junior #1 says something good, make sure you let them know it (ideally in front of the group). This goes double for juniors who are women or from under-represented groups — saying “Yes, that’s what Jane was saying earlier” or “I like Wakeen’s idea of doing X”. Make sure you’re using your power for good.

    4. ferrina*

      YESSS!

      There’s a perpetuating cycle where a leader acknowledges Person A’s idea; Person A feels more confident about sharing ideas; Person A (who was more outgoing to begin with) becomes known as the Idea Person because they are the one speaking up (additional implications if Person A is male and white; they are more likely to have been encouraged and rewarded for speaking up, where as female/non-binary and POCs are more likely to have been subtly or not subtly punished or ignored for speaking up).

    5. Songbird121*

      In sort of a similar vein, the best team leaders at my job keep the meetings moving. They leave space for productive discussion, but will rein things back in when people just start to pontificate. Or when some of us get stuck in the weeds or debating a particular small element of something that is not the central focus of a meeting. She is great at that balance. It’s maybe leaning a little bit on the “being a good leader” in general, there is one person I can think of who is particularly good at that it sort of feels like a special little extra she makes a point to do that so many of the hire ups don’t. I try to get on only committees she’s leading because I know it’s going to be the perfect balance of productive and not wasting a bunch of time.

  10. I should really pick a name*

    Like, maybe I shouldn’t stuff my purse full of cookies from the break room anymore

    I’m hoping that was at the end of the day after everyone had a chance at the cookies.

  11. AH*

    if you are in a cafe / at a conference etc, then buy coffee / snacks etc for more junior staff and never expect them to buy for you.

    Listen well to the more junior staff – ask their opinion, listen and give them credit when they have good ideas.

    1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      Yes! Former VP wanted to meet for 1:1s and always bought us a coffee drink from the cafeteria.
      I wish current VP would have come to introduce himself when we first joined his team. I have worked with him but have never actually talked to him in person. I know he is super swamped right now and he’s a good person. But it would have been nice. I feel a little invisible.

      1. Full time reader, part time commenter*

        A former manager took a group to coffee in our cafeteria and attempted to use some kind of coupon to pay for it. Coffee for four people. Looking embarrassed, he responded with, “My wife hasn’t gone back to work yet (post baby).”

        1. former supe*

          This was me when I was a gov supervisor (thankfully in a previous life) – all the advice everywhere every time all but REQUIRES bosses to pay for things for their staff, but I was making gov salary, not allowed to spend any gov money on it, and supporting my spouse through university. It sucked as an extra expectation I wasn’t meeting.

          BUT! I recognize I’m the minority. Supervisors who can, should.

      2. Been There*

        I had a former boss who kept cancelling the introductory 1:1 with me. It made me feel unimportant/invisible and was one of the reasons I left that job.

    2. Specks*

      This, as much as you can afford it! I always appreciated it so much on a junior salary at an NGO when a higher-up would treat me to lunch or a coffee or something… it felt so generous and like such a treat, because I really couldn’t afford eating out by myself often and had to think for a long time about whether a coffee or a pastry was worth it. Now it’s such a drop in the bucket in my budget, and I imagine it was for them too, but it always meant so much to me.

    3. Annie2*

      Yes. I’m a lawyer – an assistant will never pay for a drink or a coffee in my presence. I also offer to pick a coffee up for her on my dime if I’m going on a coffee run, but I wouldn’t ask her to grab me one when she goes. It’s not the back-and-forth you have with a colleague on your same level!

    4. Sloanicota*

      Ooh, good one. I think I’d go even further and say a senior leader should almost always pick up all the tabs when traveling or doing any activities with junior staff. A) it prevents any appearance of impropriety where it might seem you pressured junior people to pay for upgrades/whatever B) Your expenses are likely to be less scrutinized than junior people’s C) If you have an admin you’re helping their workload.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Right yes, I just mean the manager should put all expenses on their corporate card, not let/ask junior people to put it on their corporate card. It’s a small thing but nobody explained it to me when I started out.

      2. Lucy Van Pelt*

        I’m not sure I agree. One of my early jobs involved travel, and if my boss (40ish male) and I (27 female) got a meal, having him pay would have made it feel date-like. This was even more true if I was with coworkers who did my same function but were older and more experienced. Exacerbated by my being the only woman in the room.
        If I have my own travel stipend I really want to be treated as an equal during social hours.
        Exception when grandboss treated all of us.

    5. bamcheeks*

      I was going to say this, and I’d add:

      — if you aren’t treating / can’t treat people, be aware that their budgets might not match yours. Don’t suggest the £7 locally roasted coffee place with the beautiful selection of organic cakes and 10% service charge if coffee at the staff cafe is under £3.
      — if you are treating, make it clear at the time of the invitation / suggestion. Don’t leave people guessing about whether they have to cough up for the £7 coffee!

      1. ferrina*

        Yes! Make it clear that you are treating- you will see junior staff visibly relax. Especially early career professional who don’t come from a white collar family (and may not know professional conventions about who treats when).

        If you aren’t treating, I would shy away from inviting people out. There’s an inherent pressure from a higher-up, and there’s also the reward of face time. I’ve missed relationship-building opportunities because I couldn’t afford to eat lunch at the restaurant with others (not a working lunch, just a social gathering where a higher-up felt like eating somewhere and mentioned that folks were free to join them. I could never join, because it was never free and I had a $40/week grocery budget).

    7. DameB*

      In fact, my senior leads always PAY for things like that — coffee, lunch, etc. when i’m out withthem.

      They also make a point to remember my partner’s name and my child’s name even though I rarely interact with them. (I’m at least 80 percent sure that if they know they’re about to be in a conversation with me, they ask someone or look it up, but it’s nice.)

  12. ArchivesPony*

    – showing that work life balance, so taking sick time, if it’s just a mental health day and when your employee asks for time, just ok, feel better and I’ll see you when you’re back.

    – trusting your employees to do their jobs until they show you otherwise.

    – Value their impute! This is huge for me. Before my current position, I felt that even though I have the degree needed for my position and the experience, my previous bosses didn’t value, I knew my stuff.

    – Lastly, this is maybe a me thing but if you need to talk to them, I much appreciate my current boss saying, “hey I need to talk to you about x, y, and x”, not, “Hey I need to talk to you” because the second option can bring up a feeling of that you might be in trouble.

    1. Nebula*

      Yes on the first one. I once had a boss who told us all to take our leave, to not work outside our hours etc. but he worked all hours of the day and night, as far as we could tell, and barely ever took holiday. I have never had a problem with feeling pressured to work beyond what I’m being paid for, so it wasn’t a problem for me, but I know a couple of other people on the team were unsure as to whether he really meant what he was saying, since he didn’t model it himself.

      1. Former Young Lady*

        There is a flipside, though. My former boss boasted about how taking frequent vacation and unannounced sick days was “modeling a healthy work-life balance,” but in reality, she was an absentee boss. As a result, we had to catch all the balls she was dropping, and it was basically impossible for us to take a real vacation, because no one believed our out-of-office message saying “please direct urgent items to Bella in my absence.” And they were right.

        This was an extreme case, of course. My point is, the boss should hold themselves to higher standards of showing up, and communicate clearly to their reports that the extra responsibility comes with the fancy title and the bigger paycheck.

    2. Certaintroublemaker*

      That last one is always a good idea. Alison has gotten many letters from people experiencing high anxiety when their boss wants a meeting without the explanation.

      1. The Original K.*

        My boss knows I’ve been laid off before (as has he), and he’s great about doing this. I really appreciate it about him. If he’s putting an unexpected meeting on my calendar he’ll specify “not bad news” in the meeting title.

    3. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      I love the last one. Please do not let me obsess over whether you are about to lay me off.

    4. noco*

      I saw a tweet once of someone’s boss scheduling time on the calendar for “Quick chat — good thing!” and that add-on makes a world of difference. Even if you can’t explain in the moment what you need to talk about, making clear that it’s not something to worry about up-front really helps those of us who worry about literally everything.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        YES. If I’m scheduling meetings, even if I can’t tell them ahead of time what it’s for, being as transparent as I can — “I’m not allowed to tell you specifics about this ahead of time, but I promise it’s a good thing” in the meeting invite is something I’ve been thanked for many times. (Historically if I can’t tell them until a certain time frame, it’s been either a surprise raise/adjustment or a surprise bonus.)

      2. Maestro Petrini*

        This might be an obvious one, but: learn everyone’s names! Even the people you don’t interact with a whole lot because there are multiple levels in between. Make a point to learn and remember the name of everyone you possibly can that reports to you or that reports to someone that reports to you. You might have to practice and quiz yourself but it is a sign of respect to address someone by name, and it shows that you are engaged with the broader community and are not just isolating yourself with your senior team.

      3. Bitte Meddler*

        Nothing makes my heart race more than a Teams message from my manager saying, “Got a sec for a call?”

        PLEASE for the love of all that is sacred, give me just one or two words of context.

        1. I Have RBF*

          Seriously.

          “Hey got a minute?” is butt clench time, but “Hey got a minute? I want to talk about a new project.” is fine. “Hey got a minute for some good news?” is fine.

          My boss has been through the mill too. He knows.

      4. Anita Brayke*

        I cannot adequately express with enough words how mind-bogglingly amazing this step would be. The “nothing bad!” or “good news!” on the meeting notice. Also, if it is a bad thing, don’t put it on the calendar. Just come talk to me!

    5. TiffIf*

      In addition to the first one – support and encourage people to use their parental leave too.

      I was a team lead (very little power, but still had authority over some junior colleagues) and one of them was having a kid. I don’t have any kids, but I made sure to encourage him to take his full allotment of parental leave and don’t worry about work while he was gone. If you have a kid, even in a senior position, make sure you are seen to be taking your parental leave.

      1. ferrina*

        Encourage people to take their leave in general. If someone comes in sick, ask them if they want to go home and reassure them that you can cover for them. If you are someone that sees vacation time, check in with people that aren’t using it.

        I used to work at a company that had a busy fall/winter season, and at the beginning of summer I would remind people to make sure they were taking time off, and that I encouraged everyone to take at least a week off to rest during the summer, because “you’ll get plenty of time to work in the fall/winter”.

    6. Nobby Nobbs*

      To expand on the last: if you have context on the “big picture” that your junior colleagues don’t, either things you’ve been officially told or ones you’ve learned to notice from experience, clue them in! Especially when it comes to how their tasks fit into the big picture. It reduces stress and helps them prioritize, and it’s so so easy to forget because you assume that things are obvious to you must be obvious to everybody, even if they were opaque as concrete to you just a couple of years ago.

    7. Passiflora*

      Your first one is one I had to learn – really modelling that balance, so for example, not sending emails and messages outside of the team’s work hours. I could say “log off when it’s time” all I liked, but if I then sent a message during my working hours and not theirs, they would feel obliged to respond, even if I’d said I didn’t expect them to.

    8. ferrina*

      #3 is huge- Value their input.

      If they have experience that would be helpful, seek them out to ask their advice. When they give feedback, think about how you can take it (it sucks when someone asks for your input, then ignores all of it).

      A leader in our company recently asked for feedback on a big presentation, and I was very concerned about a graphic on one particular slide. He didn’t share the same level of concern, but since it was no difference to him, he changed the graphic. I extremely appreciated it (it did make my life easier in ways he won’t see)

    9. DrSalty*

      If I’m working odd hours, I use the schedule send feature in outlook for that reason. My team doesn’t need to see it or act on it until regular business hours.

  13. Person from the Resume*

    Give credit where credit is due.

    I’m not sure if you lead a team and managed people or are just senior among your teammates. Even if you’re senior among teammates thank and give credit kudos to all those who help make a project happen or some smaller / less glamourous tasks that keep the team running smoothly.

    1. VoPo*

      I was just about to leave a comment to this effect. So seconded! Getting recognition from a senior leader always feels good, and it means that the recognition is reaching the people that have the power to affect raises/promotions/opportunities.

    2. Snow Globe*

      Third end! The best boss I ever had consistently dropped comments about the great things various people on the team were doing. Especially when he was talking to senior leaders.

    3. M2*

      This. Give credit and talk well when people aren’t in the room. It says as much about you as it does about them.

      I always give credit and have a newish colleague who wrote me an email because I gave her the credit! She wasn’t in the meeting but people spoke to her after and she was so thankful because her previous three managers never gave her credit. This should honestly be the norm not a big deal but it is because some leaders feel threatened or want to look out for themselves. I want my teams to grow and continue to learn and advance. It is great for everyone!

      There’s another colleague in a different department that hogs all the “good” work and gives what she doesn’t like to her deputy. Even though she would be stronger at doing xyz she gives all that to team members. I’m not saying do everything you don’t like to do but get input from your team and support them in what they want to work on and their career.

      Someone on my team hates doing events even though it’s part of their job. Another team we work with has 3 events people even though they put on less events than us so I’m advocating one be moved to be 50% – 100% on our team. That team only needs max 1 event person and was discussed in a senior leadership meeting recently. I can’t promise it but trying to give support where needed is really important. This will then give the team member time to do higher level work. Again I’m not stealing someone and it’s been discussed for awhile that there are too many people in one department.

      Be supportive if team members go on leave. I had someone on leave for months and I covered their work because my organization wouldn’t cover a temp / a temp couldn’t do it. I did what I could so when they came back it wasn’t a pile of stuff for them to do. Or easily distribute some work to others but with that extra work get that an acting title and more money. Even temporarily. I couldn’t get a raise for one team member but was able to advocate for one large bonus for our sector to help cover the 4 extra months of work they were doing. They saw I tried and then when it was time for raises I gave them the highest possible as well. Advocating for your team is always a win.

      Stop taking and hogging the food.

      1. M2*

        Also don’t look like you are wasteful if you do a budget. Stick to the policies.

        We have an amount per city if you’re staying over and hotels we partner with. A team member stayed at a hotel over that rate and also took a flight that was more expensive. I had to speak with them as did finance. If your team or senior leadership above you think of you as wasting your organizations money that will also look bad.

        A friend who works at a non profit had a boss fly to India 2x business class in the same month! That was wasteful and shouldn’t have happened. They would have either stayed or made the meetings the same time or if it must have happened they needed to fly economy both times. Also at that organization in order to fly business you need the okay of the President/ CEO and this person did not get him permission. They also stayed at an insanely expensive hotels think Four Seasons, Taj, etc. when the norm was Hilton or similar. This made team members upset and when new leadership came in this persons expenses were audited and they lost their job. This is an extreme example but still be good with the budget!

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Reaching out to that person’s manager to specifically praise them is a very nice touch. I make a point of doing this for projects and more general activities as well.

  14. WeirdChemist*

    Compliment/give props to your junior coworkers! Tell them directly, mention it to your/their boss, etc. Say nice things about them when they do something well, when they did important work (especially when it was grunt work that can often go unnoticed), make sure senior management is being made aware of what they’re doing, advocate for them, etc

    And yes, being a senior leader and shoving people out of the way for free food is generally not a great look haha

    1. ferrina*

      Yes, tell people what they do well! Especially new staff who may not have the experience to know what they are good at vs. what they are average at. And if it makes sense, give them responsibility/development opportunities to build and highlight that skill

      “You’ve got a lot of skill at blending the shading when dying the llamas. I’d like for you to take the lead on the coloring for Lucy the Llama when she comes in.”

    2. talos*

      If your company provides any kind of way for people to publicly appreciate each other (Recognition Points or mini-bonuses or whatever), use it!

    3. ThatOtherClare*

      Also, compliment people behind their backs whenever you get the chance! When there’s no way that your compliment can get back to the junior (short of the listener straight up telling them) then the listener knows you truly mean whatever you’re saying. I.e. it’s not just a generic compliment to make the junior feel good. Subconsciously they’ll record the content as ‘Junior is good at this thing’ rather than mentally brushing it off as a social nicety. This does wonders for people’s reputations and it costs nothing.

  15. Dust Bunny*

    We had an ED several EDs ago who barely learned names and only interacted with department heads. The EDs we’ve had since then know everyone and ask even the newest and least-prestigious employees how they are doing and what they’re working on. No overlooking anyone just because they’re way down the food chain.

    (We don’t actually go through that many EDs, I promise, it just happened to work out that we went through several in an uncharacteristically short time. Like, four in a decade.)

    1. polly*

      At a dinner with a very small fraction of the company, the head of the company just called me “You”
      “You order first”
      “You want some?”
      You you you.

      I don’t have a super common name, but its certainly not hard to say. It really bothered me.

      1. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

        That can backfire though- maybe it’s regional, but it feels very awkward to hear myself addressed by name if I’m being addressed directly. The times people have purposely used my name, it feels very customer service/something trained and not normal in every day context. Unless you’re in a group and the person is specifically indicating who should go next, “Resident, would you want to go next?” but if it’s just two of us, I wouldn’t expect someone to address me as such.

        1. polly*

          It was in a group, and he absolutely did not know my name.

          When he said, “You order first” I didn’t realize he was talking to me.

      2. WavyGravy*

        Had a similar thing happen at a company dinner – my old big boss didn’t know my name (under 75 person firm), and he kept calling me “chief.” “How you doing chief?” “Why aren’t you eating chief?” (the answer to that one was, you’re talking to me and I don’t want to talk with food in my mouth??)

      3. Lauren19*

        But while we’re on the topic of dinner, mention what you’re going to order so the junior folks get a sense for the norms. They’re going to be reluctant to order something more expensive than you, so choose symbolically. Also, if alcohol is ok to order, and you feel comfortable with a drink in front of you (you don’t have to actually drink it!), get one.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I worked for a company back in the 1980s and 1990s that had close to 500 employees. The president/CEO knew EVERY SINGLE ONE by name and job. When he’d walk through one of the facilities, he’d stop and talk to every employee along the way, ask them how work was going, if they had everything they needed, and he would end the conversation by thanking them for the work they were doing.

      By no coincidence, the employees were intensely loyal to the CEO and to the company, and many of them spent their entire careers working there.

      Show your staff that you recognize them as human beings with real names and personalities and skills, and make it clear how much you appreciate what they’re doing. You will have people actively competing to work for you, and they will give you their absolute best.

      1. Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk*

        Our CEO will rip off anyone’s name in our 250+ person org like it’s nothing. It’s an incredible skill.

      2. ferrina*

        My high school principal did this. It was INCREDIBLE. There were 1200 students!!! And a new set of 300 names to learn each year!!!

        We really liked him. I didn’t agree with him on some of the policies, but there was never any doubt that he genuinely cared.

      3. Anita Brayke*

        This. It is amazing what recognizing EVERYONE will do for a person. I am a teacher, and when I’m outside my room and see students, I at least smile at every student and ask how they’re doing. I literally only interact with twenty-two students in my classroom, but even a “Hey, how is your day gong?” will get me smiles and waves from ALL the students like you would not believe. Be a bucket-filler!! Then, ask people what they need to make their jobs easier. Many, many people in the world do not know how to advocate for themselves.

      4. Freddled Gruntbuggly*

        While visiting a relative in Albuquerque some years ago, I’d stopped at one of the Costcos, and there was quite a stir when one older man walked past. He stopped and chatted with each employee throughout the store, as far as I could tell; asked how they and their families were were doing, first-name basis all around. I asked one employee who that was, and learned it was Jim Sinegal, there to celebrate a manager’s retirement. James Sinegal was a cofounder and then-current CEO of Costco Corporation, obviously well-liked and known for his regular visits. I approached as he was waiting for the manager to be ready to go to dinner with him, and spoke with him briefly myself; he was friendly and gracious and thanked me for my words of appreciation. The only billionaire I’ve ever shaken hands with; I figger the corporate world could do with a heckuva lot more like him!

    3. Escapee from Corporate Management*

      I met a senior politician at a social event once. Ran into him several years later on an airplane. Before I could re-introduce myself, he said hello to me by name. I was amazed. He said he worked on this every day. He couldn’t represent people if he didn’t take the time to know them.

      Needless to say, he never lost an election.

    4. Jshaden*

      One superpower I’ve noticed in effective senior leaders is the ability to not only know the names of all the people that work for them, but to remember small, specific details. Partner and kids names, hobbies and non-work activities, just something so that they can ask a non-intrustive but personally relevant question like “How are [Partner’s Name] and the kids doing?” or “Are you volunteering as a t-ball coach again this season?” Some seem to just have knack for it, but I know at least one who literally kept a spreadsheet because it was important to them and that was how they could remember things. And having the great-great-great-grandboss remember my name despite my relatively limited interaction with them feels good.

      1. SBT*

        This! It doesn’t have to be intrusive, but good leaders know the basics – names for their team’s spouse/partner, kids (or pets!). I was in a management training once where they asked everyone to raise their hands if they knew the names of all their direct reports’ kids. I was shocked by how many didn’t!

    5. Lady Ann*

      Came here to say this: learn people’s names. My former boss was a VP who oversaw maybe 75 people and made a big dramatic deal about how she was just toooo busy to learn everyone’s names and we were always hiring new people and it was just so confusing! I managed to learn everyone’s names in the building (as someone a step below her), even people who were outside my chain of command.

  16. Not on board*

    Be considerate of people’s time both on the clock and off the clock. Don’t ask people to do anyting that would take away from their personal time, or cost them money.

    1. Potato Potato*

      I think it depends on how big the department is. #3 in my department has several dozen people under him

    2. ProdMgrReplacedByAI*

      Depends on the size and scope of the department. The #3 person in a 500-person global sales org is pretty senior. The #3 person in a startup’s 4-person sales team is not.

    3. CC1*

      I think it depends on the size of the department and the type of employer. #3 in a department of 5, probably not, but #3 in a department of 50, then yes.

      1. amoeba*

        Eh, we’re almost 50 and basically there’s 9 or so of us scientists who report directly to our director, and then we have small teams of 2-5 people each. So the Number 3 (or even 2) here would be a) very hard to determine and b) not actually that high indeed.
        So I’d add it also depends on the set up/how flat the hierarchy is! I’m sure in other departments of 50 it’s very different than for our very flat set-up, and then there’s of course departments that are still much larger than us.

    4. Tess McGill*

      My department is gigantic. #3 would be a very highly respected position and people would be paying attention to everything they do.

    5. Clisby*

      Depends on the size of the department. In the company I retired from, a department could have 100+ people, so yes, #3 would be pretty senior.

    6. Strive to Excel*

      You could also have a situation where you’re #3 in a small department, but that department has a lot of company power.

    7. anon here*

      I considered myself a very junior/niche but by-seniority-I-guess-so-#3 and then I had to be the interim supervisor when #1 went on parental leave and wanted to skip #2 because they weren’t aligned on goals for the team.

      (Amusing coda is that #1 liked me best when I acted like I thought I was very junior, but I had a hard time turning the “my presence is valued” switch off when they came back from leave, and they found they liked me a lot less when I, like, talked, and advocated for my colleagues. I ended up seceding from the team altogether and now #1 and I are peers, which I suspect from the silent treatment really irritates them.)

    8. AnonForThis*

      I’m #3 in mine. My boss reports directly to the CEO and of my 5 direct reports, 3 are skip level, so going to say yes, it could be. Really depends on org structure.

  18. Still Queer, Still Here*

    Being focused on substance rather than fluff?

    I have a coworker, who is a peer, but she has been here for 20+ years, so in some ways is considered senior just due to institutional memory etc. She is honestly not well-liked though, because she has a tendency to be really focused/concerned on perks and minutia. As an example, anytime we discuss scheduling a department meeting or event, her first question is about food. She’s built a reputation for trying to milk the office for all the extras she can. She also tends to bring meetings to a screeching halt with questions about things that only impact her and are better left to a manager 1:1.

    So basically: Don’t be the tacky person that’s only focused on your own situation 100% of the time, and don’t be the person who only cares about meetings and events if there will be food.

    1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      We have one of those. Have to design the presentations so that we can get further than 1.5 slides in before she stops everything to get into the nit details of how it impacts her.

    2. Still Queer, Still Here*

      Somewhat related, too: At a previous job where we were all pretty egregiously underpaid, our ED was also not paid a huge amount, but obviously more than the rest of the staff. She was constantly talking about her home renovations etc, like complaining that her soaking tub from FRANCE hadn’t arrived yet. At one point she said something along the lines of “well, you guys know I don’t really NEED this job, my annual salary is about the same as my husband’s end-of-year bonus.” So just… Don’t talk about money with folks you know are making less than you.

      2. Petea*

        Yes! We had a senior leader who talked a lot about his Pelaton (and how his wife had her own and they would compete against each other), but most other employees could NOT afford one. It created a huge divide (or just illuminated the one that was already there?) in the office and everyone lost respect for him. Learn to read the room, approach others with empathy, and for god’s sake, make sure everyone is paid a decent salary.

    3. EarlGrey*

      I like this one! I’d also point out the flip side, which is to be understanding that food, travel, reimbursements, desk arrangements, and other “small” logistical stuff can loom really large for less experienced folks. If you’ve run an annual meeting for ten years you know it’s always catered, but to a newer person the question “do I need to bring lunch? do i need to make time to eat first, or will i look silly if I show up with my own sandwich?” can actually be stressful! I’ve really appreciated when a higher up has proactively walked me through something like travel logistics when everyone else on the team has done the same trip a dozen times. I also recall with much less appreciation how a higher up once berated someone for asking a “trivial” question about whether desk assignments would be moving around at an office town hall meeting.

      Not being vocally hung up on the small stuff is a sign of *your* seniority, remembering how big a deal it was when you were junior and being upfront with the info / making it okay to ask can be another way to be gracious.

      1. ferrina*

        YESSSSS!!

        I’ve lost hundreds of dollars because I didn’t know what the reimbursement policy was and didn’t realize that I could submit reimbursement.

  19. Mefois*

    At work parties or other social events, make sure you circulate and make a point to chat with everyone a little bit rather than just sticking with work friends the whole time.

    1. Angstrom*

      At team social events, if you’re the highest-ranking person you should consider leaving early so the others have time to socialize without you. No matter how well-liked you are your presence is a restraining influence. My former boss was good at this — show up early, greet everyone with obvious enjoyment, stick around long enough for one drink and then excuse themselves.

      1. Ole Pammy's Getting What She Wants*

        agreed. my current boss has taken us out for drinks in the past, paid for two rounds, and left after the first, so we had a relaxed opportunity to bond that had no financial impact. as someone who budgets thoroughly and does not like to pay to go out anymore (but thanks, $20 cocktails, for getting me to quit mostly drinking!), i really appreciated this.

      2. Agent Diane*

        This! When I was senior, me and my peers would leave earlier in the evening, and our bosses would leave before us.

        I had one boss who didn’t follow that rule: he lost the respect of the whole department when he drunkly walked into a glass door.

        Top tip: if you’re at a conference, you and your peers can continue your socialising at a different place.

      3. Productivity Pigeon*

        My big4 firm literally told everyone above a certain rank to leave at say 10PM so everyone could enjoy themselves without their boss looking over their shoulders.

      4. Gumby*

        I mean, on the one hand yes, on the other hand: the last time we had a company lunch (50-person company) it was the CEO and CFO who stayed around and did clean up afterwards. Along with the office coordinator who organized the whole thing and two other people who are individual contributors and had the time / wanted to (not assigned to it, just decided to help).

    2. ThursdaysGeek*

      I was just talking with a co-worker yesterday, and he described a couple of company meetings when he was really new, didn’t really know anyone, and how at one a man came and sat with him, talked to him. At the other meeting, a woman came over and asked him about what he did, was interested in his ideas. In both cases, they were then called up to speak, and he realized that he’d been chatting with the CEO and then the CIO. That was a good sign about ending up at a good company.

    3. Relentlessly Socratic*

      Piggybacking on this–introduce folks to each other if they don’t know.

      I’ve been to large conferences with senior/well-known folks who are always looking around for someone more interesting to talk to (boo) and with senior/well-known folks who will call a colleague over and introduce me to said colleague (yay). I try to do this when I’m at events, and even if I’m about to dash off to lunch or cocktails with my colleague, I’ll take a minute for the niceties.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Good one! When you’re not a leader, I think most of us have a sense that your time is your own and you’re not doing things “at” people. But when you are in charge of hiring/firing/compensation, who you talk to at parties is one way you send signals. Who is in your favor, who are you invested in, etc. It’s weird to think about, but it’s true. So don’t just hang out with the people who are already your friends the way a normal person would.

  20. Jessica*

    Yeah, if you have interns or other low-pay, low-status people, encourage them to take home leftovers if they want.

    You mention being near the top in title and tenure; are you also near the top in salary? I hope so! If so, there are a lot of ways to be conscious of/gracious around pay disparity. The lowest-paid people should have priority on the leftover cookies, free swag, goody basket from a vendor, whatever. You should be the first to put your hand in your own pocket when necessary. And don’t talk up your new Lexus or Caribbean vacation to people who might be struggling to make rent.

  21. lost academic*

    I think it’s a way of first, and foremost, being able to constantly and consistently place others’ development and interest in the forefront. It’s not always about putting them ahead of you because that’s a disservice too, you need to lead and not just uphold, but it is about being considerate in a new frame. What does the team need to be successful and how does that translate to what each contributor need? It’s not just nuts and bolts, but what kind of environment do they need?

    Recognizing that this is a dynamic balance, too, is important. Nothing you do is really going to be entirely ‘set it and forget it’ because that’s how we all get into trouble, failing to understand when circumstances have changed.

    And importantly, schedule (informally, but make sure you’re doing it regularly) check ins and mentoring time with those above you in your organization for these purposes. That’s a big part of development.

  22. David Levenson*

    Model the behavior you expect. Don’t take the best parking spot. If you see litter on the floor, quietly pick it up. Communicate with all levels of employee, including other departments if possible. Say “good morning” and “good night. Be an approachable presence. Try to keep your moods positive. Just being aware of this is a great beginning!

    1. Escapee from Corporate Management*

      About picking up litter: show that no job is below your or less important than others. If someone is stuck doing scut work, take some of it on yourself. For example, if everyone on the team needs to pull files for an audit, help them pull the files.

    2. ThursdaysGeek*

      We have a higher manager that I don’t work with, so about the only time I see him is when he’s in the kitchen, wiping down counters and cleaning up.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      AMEN. Cleaning up messes, especially your own, is so, so important. It doesn’t matter that much if you know my name if you consistently leave your dirty dishes in the sink for others to wash.

    5. Kes*

      I agree with this. Think about the behaviour you want from employees, and do your best to model it. And if you still feel like a junior staffer, think about what as a junior staffer you want from senior leaders, and try and do that as well (where it makes sense; you have to balance that with the knowledge and bigger picture you have as a senior)

  23. Everlast*

    Avoid complaining about expenses or flaunting luxuries in front of employees that are likely to make less than you, if that applies on your team.
    Watch for ways to use your seniority to help others- amplify their comments, give them credit, use your capital and reputation to back them up if you see they experience problems.
    I also remember going through that mentality adjustment from ‘starving student’ to ‘established professional’ when it came to approaching free food and items. Good on you for self-reflection!

    1. Former Young Lady*

      The flaunting thing is so important. “Hey everybody, look at these pictures of my kitchen remodel/vacation abroad!” is gauche and tedious no matter who does it, but when the boss does it, it’s full-on cringeworthy.

    2. AJ*

      So much this!
      The only possible exception I can think of is if you follow up any complaint about the expense of [thing that affects everyone] with “And if it’s hard for me, just think what it must be like for our more junior colleagues!” or similar. A moment of acknowledgement when complaining about how your diamond shoes pinch will do a lot to make you seem less out of touch.

  24. Lisa*

    The VP gave a great example of leadership there! I would recommend emulating her as much as possible. It might even be worth seeing if she had some advice for you. :)

  25. Can't remember my username*

    Be the one to bring in cookies sometimes, but don’t make a big noise about it.
    Talk to people further down the hierarchy than you.
    Hold the door/ lift for people etc, if you can, offer them a hand carrying things between offices – ie make a bit of effort to do kind things, not in a performative way, but just run of the mill things.

  26. Lisa*

    Advocate for others, even in small ways. Like if someone is more junior and doesn’t speak up but you know they have good ideas, specifically ask for their input in meetings. If there’s someone junior to you that you think is particularly good, suggest their name when opportunities come up.

    1. ErgoBun*

      Yep, this is one of the most important things you can do with your seniority. Elevate and make space for others who may struggle to be heard.

    2. ferrina*

      And pay attention to who you are drawn to. Are you drawn to them because they are good at what they do, or because they remind you of you?

      A lot of us will gravitate toward people that remind us of ourselves (our brains are hardwired to prefer familiarity), so make sure that you are also aware of the people that are different from you (through age, gender, race, cultural experience, or just personality).

  27. LongEarringsWidePants*

    Get to know all the staff, including maintenance, custodial, IT, etc. and call them by name. Several people have told me it’s easier to come to me with issues than others in the department because they see me regularly chatting with maintenance or custodial staff and they know I care about everyone at work, not just the ones with fancy titles. And if you’re ever in charge of any workplace rewards or morale boosters, be sure those folks in your org get the perks everyone else does! When I ran it, our treats wagon always stopped at the cafeteria, the IT offices, admin areas, and places where our custodians worked.

    1. Venus*

      I’m not good at names, but I always say hello to various staff if I pass them and occasionally make small talk about the weather or thank them for keeping things clean or fixing something specific.

      1. I Have RBF*

        I suck at names, but I always greet the receptionist, security guard, and janitors if I’m in the office when they are. A lot of those people are often seen as “invisible”, but they work there too, and they often do work that I can’t.

  28. AnonymEsq*

    Maybe don’t use the example of “building a house” and ask attendees “have you ever built a house?” True story.

    1. Clisby*

      Why would building a house come up? Unless, of course, you work for a housing development company.

      My husband and I have never built a house, but he’s a well-paid computer programmer (as I was, before retiring). I don’t think it would ever occur to either of us to build a house.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I suspect it’s an example of of a project and a project team with many different areas of expertise. He’s trying to relate and failing. It highlights the boss has the money to build a house to his exact specs versus practically everyone else.

        1. MMCloudy*

          I worked at a large marketing agency, and at our Friday morning all-hands meeting, the CEO used the example of living on a lake and having his boat float away in the wind to illustrate his drive and perseverance. 95% of us did not have a salary that would remotely support buying a boat or living on a lake, and needless to say, his storytelling did not go over well. At all.

    2. Escapee from Corporate Management*

      Think of that as an idiom. When someone says “I’m building a house,” the often mean “I have so much money that I am paying someone to build a house for me.” Not something to say to your junior person who needs two roommates to just pay the rent.

    3. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

      Also maybe don’t use your experience sailing your fancy boat as a metaphor, because I assure you, it is NOT relatable.

  29. I should really pick a name*

    If you’re viewed as a fair and reasonable manager, most people aren’t going to care where you are in the lunch lineup. It’s a good thing to do, but not that important.

    The better people feel about you as a manager, the more slack they’re going to give you on the little, social niceties.

    1. Victoria*

      But sometimes the little social niceties matter. I had a boss at a director level who always introduced me as “my colleague” rather than “my report” if she was looping me in or meeting with an external partner. It made me feel valued, and I try to do the same now for others.

      1. Lifelong student*

        Yes- I was so pleased to be introduced as someone who worked “with” the principal rather than “for” the principal.

    2. ExCon(sultant)*

      I think that’s true, at least to an extent, but I think the opposite can also be true (the worse you are at the social niceties, the less people will view you as a good manager).

  30. Oaktree*

    Two suggestions: when things go well, give your team the credit. When mistakes are made, take the blame on yourself and apologize, using “I” language without blaming your team.

    And, praise in public, critique in private.

    1. DD*

      On a similar vein, if you have a very positive experience working with someone on a lower level than you not on your team, take the time to provide feedback to their supervision about your positive experience.

  31. CubeFarmer*

    “Like, maybe I shouldn’t stuff my purse full of cookies from the break room anymore, because while that was fine when I was a junior staffer, maybe it looks bad for a senior leader? (The cookies used to be for me, but now they’re for my kids.)”

    Yeah, no, that’s a bad, bad look. Stop doing that.

    2. Summer Bummer*

      The cookies thing might actually be a helpful frame of reference for LW. If the action feels waggish or shenanigan-y, that’s a good sign it’s a no-go. “Getting one over” on the company can’t be part of your persona anymore; in a leadership position you ARE the company

  32. It's Marie - Not Maria*

    Do not take credit for your Team’s efforts, be clear with them that you are only successful because they are successful.

    If a Team Member makes a comment that turns into a great idea, give them 100% of the credit.

    Be sure they know how much you value their contributions. Never ask them to do something you wouldn’t do yourself, and then model that behavior.

    2. Owl-a-roo*

      And to this point: it’s important to pay attention to who had the idea in the first place. Something I struggled with early on was having my ideas get dismissed at first blush and then heartily accepted when somebody else (a man) said the same thing a few minutes later. I now advocate for myself when this happens with something along the lines of “thank you for agreeing with my point”, but I also make sure to listen out for this happening among other team members. It’s empowering to speak up and say “Thanks, Fergus, for agreeing with Jane’s excellent point”.

      1. ferrina*

        YES!
        I’ve had a couple bosses that would take my idea, make a minor change, then never mention me (and it was something that they wouldn’t have come up with). One boss would flat out take something I had done and present it, then accept all praise (she never said “I wrote this”, but she definitely never said my name. She told me it was because it was a “team effort” and she just happened to be the only visible one)

    3. Tree*

      One of the best pieces of advice I got from my longtime manager when I was first able to hire my own hire reports was: “If they succeed, they did it. If they fail, it’s your fault.”

      While maybe more blunt than most would say it, he meant that you should acknowledge and share your team members success as their accomplishment. However, if they mess up or make an error, the manager should take responsibility and not blame or point fingers when taking to others about what went wrong. This doesn’t preclude performance discussions or identifying root cause of errors, but more a guiding principal.

    4. tiffany*

      I’ve also used the “I can’t remember who came up with this idea, please remind me if someone does, but last meeting on topic someone brought up and I think that’s a good framework for going forward”

      Because sometimes in brainstorming contexts someone makes a comment that then percolates a while and once I realise that it’s a great idea I can’t remember the comment or person

  33. anonymouse*

    One good behavior I’ve seen from leaders is recognizing when their presence is impacting or inhibiting free discussion of lower-ranked staff, noting it, and making space for work without their presence.

    In my workgroup, there used to be a monthly all-hands with workers, project leads, the coordinator and the director about all the work in the group and idea generation for troubleshooting. The workers didn’t want to voice their problems/issues with the project leads present (who were often the cause of or related to the problem).

    To solve this, we created a workers-only check in meeting, where workers can offer each other peer support, troubleshoot, and identify areas where they need more information or action from the coordinator, project leads and director. The coordinator attends for the second half of the meeting to offer support and to liaise between the workers and the management as needed.

    We also revised the purpose of the all-hands meeting and bumped it to quarterly, as individual workers and leads had their own cadence of communication. It’s been working pretty well!

    1. AGD*

      This. At a previous workplace, the CEO thought they were doing an incredible job because no one was going to them to report problems. The reason why no one was going to them to report problems was that they were harsh, impatient, and victim-blamey!

      1. ferrina*

        Yes, never point fingers or blame the messenger when getting feedback. Say thank you, even if you disagree.

        I also had a couple CEOs that sucked at hearing anything they didn’t want to hear, and any time there was a feedback opportunity, they would always use it as a time to explain why they were right. We all quickly learned not to bother giving feedback

  34. Fluffy Initiative*

    Think about what resources your team might need, and advocate for those. Still operating on software from 15 years ago? Sitting in uncomfortable chairs that were purchased during the Clinton administration? Would your team work better with their own department copier/scanner? You can use your relative seniority to ask for quality of life things that others don’t have the standing to.

  35. some ideas*

    we had some employees self-fund a department-wide party and we held a 50/50 raffle to help pay them back. the SVP ended up winning and she gave the entire pot back to the people who paid for the party. that was nice. and also, senior leaders should exclude themselves from various contests or recognition programs. and if there are any “employee satisfaction” or “team morale” huddles senior leaders probably shouldn’t take part because lower level people won’t feel free to open up.

    1. FrogPenRibbets*

      This is a big one. On a team that I managed a while ago, there were 3 managers + our director then each manager had a team.

      We (the managers) would organize fun things to do like pumpkin decorating or whatnot. (We got feedback from the team they liked this kind of stuff and they liked when we as managers participated). Then we would hold contests with voting for prizes. We as managers would participate, but then we’d excuse ourselves from the results. So if Manager A got 10 votes, Employee B got 9 votes. Employee B was declared the winner.

      Mostly we competed amongst the managers on the downlow for bragging rights.

      It was not a hard balance to strike but it was an important one.

      1. ferrina*

        This is a great way to do this. I love this.

        Our managers do this with the holiday gift swap- they always bring in nice presents that are just slightly over the budget (not enough to feel out of place, but enough that their gift is a highlight) and always leave with a quirky one. When a junior staffer got a gourmet seasoning they would never use, one manager got really excited about the seasoning and swapped gifts so the junior person had something that they would enjoy.

    2. dmuskett*

      Don’t do this. Any 50/50 should not allow the winner to donate back the winnings to the org or the cause. All it does is create an expectation around it and suddenly it’s not a 50/50 anymore or people grumble that so and so didn’t donate it back.

      Also, a SVP shouldn’t be entering that 50/50. It’s a no-win. If they wanted to contribute they should have given money and said don’t give me a ticket.

      1. some ideas*

        in this case it would not create that expectation. it was specifically because the SVP won. everyone knew it. and it was the first and probably only one we did. why can’t the SVP enter if their intention was to buy the most tickets and then give it back if they won?

    3. Full time reader, part time commenter*

      Long ago, at a yearly picnic, one of the managers won an expensive piece of audio equipment in the raffle, kept it and bragged about it. He, also bragged about getting free internet at home (before work from home was a thing). This complete lack of self awareness made everyone dislike him.

  36. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

    1. One thing that happened to me yesterday that was nice: an exec came over to my cube to ask me a question. He knew I would need to show him my computer screen but waited on the side of my cube until I invited him in to look at my screen. I thought that was so nice.
    2. Another I have seen is when we are in the cafeteria and we walk up to the payment kiosk at the same time, the CFO lets me go first even though I am sure he has lots more meetings that are more important to the company than mine. He is an animal in the board room but polite and never raises his voice or is rude. I really respect that.
    3. Communications are really important – what you say and what you don’t say. I think you need to be extra careful not to gossip, and not get worried/ flustered about things. When we got hacked (badly – completely shut down and inoperable for weeks), the leadership team was a great carrier of the message that we are not worried, we are just going to work hard and get past this as a team and we will be okay. I think they are used to being scrutinized for ‘tells’.
    3a. I had a VP who was known for being emotional (and I know they sterotypes – she actually was overly reaactive to things though) and I think you need to be really calm and composed.
    4. I have a bad habit of putting on my makeup in the restroom in the morning after the work day has already started. Female executives NEVER do that but they also pretend that I am not wasting time doing a full face of makeup when I should be working.

  37. Lucy*

    Avoid ever trying to “win” an interaction or try to shut someone down with the perfect pithy response. That nature of advice is so common in this comment section that I am surprised to see this as an Ask the Readers question.

  38. She of Many Hats*

    As someone who is closer to the frontline than the C-suite:
    1) Remember basic manners – please & thank you, hello/goodby especially with your junior staff
    2) Try to know as many people down your reporting line – those at the bottom feel seen when the higher echelons can recognize them and are willing to hold even brief conversations with them.
    3) Acknowledge the milestones of those who report up to you – work anniverseries, professional successes, personal event (bdays, weddings, etc). Doesn’t have to be all milestones, choose something you can manage. Doesn’t have to be big, even a corporate note card with a short message dropped at their desk says a lot.
    4) Let the junior staff have first crack at office events whether potlucks, giveaways, etc. Put most of the “good” stuff where they have a chance to earn/win/get it and not as something only the c-suite gets.
    5) Essentially treat those under your management the way you wish you were treated in their shoes.

    1. ferrina*

      For #3- only acknowledge birthdays/personal events/etc if you can consistently acknowledge all of them. I could never do this, so never did anything for a birthday for my people. I had one boss that only acknowledged some birthdays and work achievements, and not coincidentally, her favorite person always got acknowledged, some of us sometimes got acknowledged, and a couple people never got any credit. (see also: the letter from earlier this week about the birthday card drama)

  39. Snarky Monkey*

    Say “Thank You”, but not just some generic thank you – be specific, which tells the recipient that you SEE them and know their accomplishment/contribution. That specific validation will go a long way for many people.

  40. WorkerJawn*

    I have had the most respect for higher ups who are able to say, out loud, “I messed up and I am sorry.” You don’t have to grovel every time you make a typo, but taking a second to acknowledge any part you played in creating a frustrating situation for your reports will go a long way, especially if your mistake made more work for them. Also, be an active part of fixing that problem!

    One of my bosses would usually say something like “I didn’t let you know about X report that’s due with enough time – I’m sorry! I let the team know there might be a delay, and I’m taking XYZ off your plate so you can focus on that deadline.” It really helped soften the blow of my work being reorganized for me, and proved to me that she wasn’t doing any of this lightly.

    1. lurkyloo*

      YES! Seconded.
      And share the credit when someone else did the work for you. Yes, it’s coming from your office, but hey, JD is the one who found the info efficiently for this widget.

    2. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      One VP came and found me in the depths of the cube village to come and apologize for something I really hadn’t even considered a slight. I really appreciated his thoughtfulness.

    3. Hannah Lee*

      This are great points!

      And on the ‘owning your mistakes’ front, related to that is to be aware of your decision making process and how it effects other people. Be clear up front about the information you need to make a sound decision, and why, the timeline for the decision, and once you’ve made the decision, own it, be clear what the decision is and why, and don’t waffle about it, change your mind back and forth so people aren’t wasting time, effort, interpersonal capital doing stuff. (Also, if you’re a think-out-loud person, be aware of that tendency and be conscious and purposeful about when you’re doing and who is with you … brainstorming sessions? sure Trying to flesh out possible impacts of going this way or that way? great … but with the a limited group of people so you don’t panic chicken littles who think every hypothetical is a done deal, etc)

      But if things change, and you realize you’ve got to change course, do it quickly, own it (don’t blame others) and be transparent about why, be open to information about loose ends, fallout from the change, and allow for extra time, effort, expense for everyone to shift gears.

      And throughout that, obvious engage with the SME’s, people impacted so that you’ve got a good understanding.

  41. Ashley*

    You will set the tone in many things.
    So for meetings if you want people on time, you need to be on time.
    Think about arrival and work departure times and how that is reflected in the overall culture of your office. If you can never be found on a Friday to answer questions but you expect everyone to stay until exactly 5pm, it can be frustrating. This is balanced with you get more flexibility with higher roles and longer tenure generally.
    Don’t overshare on personal stuff where people start feeling like they need to say what kind of appointment they need time off for. Same for family stuff about kids or family members … people will feel obligated differently with managers, but know who to ask about their kids, pets, etc. When you can do little things like the first day of school is approaching letting the parent of a kindergarten be a little bit flexible for getting to see them off to school can go along way (hoping you can be flexible with other people for other events).
    And know the people that don’t share personal stuff and just let them be.

  42. lurkyloo*

    It’s ok to be vulnerable. I’m not saying to unload everything you’re dealing with onto others, but be open to acknowledging that you have challenges too.
    In my world, we’ve been forced back to the office and our Director was open with us yesterday in saying ‘hey. I don’t like it either because *reasons* but I’m hoping that we can find ways to make it better’. It gave the folks an opening to share their challenges too. I appreciated that the Director was ok with not necessarily agreeing with the Party line while observing it and enforcing it.

    1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      I respect that too – pointing out that it may not be ideal but also calling out the positives.

      My former VP also would tell me that she gets insecure sometimes too – I was blown away because I recognize that she’s human but I would have never guessed it. It was such a moment for me.

  43. Bookworm*

    ASK your staff. If major changes are going to be made in operational procedures, software, etc., ask your staff. I have NEVER been at a job where ops staff has been asked for their input before major changes. We could have provided invaluable input, but higher ups thought it wasn’t needed. Every time those major changes were made without the input of the staff who actually performed the work, it was a huge dumpster fire. Staff was blamed for things not working out, but I documented every single issue as I came across them. And I always made sure to tell my immediate manager, “We could have anticipated these issues if we were asked.” None of these companies ever learned their lesson.

  44. Valerie Loves Me*

    I don’t want to hijack this very needed thread… but I think this issue is somewhat related.

    I saw a debate on LinkedIn about people scheduling messages to go out during business hours. Basically, the debate was that it was not up to any one person to be thoughtful about when others see/respond to messages. And that if people didn’t want to receive messages outside of business hours, it was up to them to manage their notifications.

    When I was a manager, I did schedule emails for business hours. Both up and down the chain. For one, to set expectations that I wasn’t always going to be immediately accessible once the day was done. And two, to prevent the idea that my direct reports were expected to respond to me.

    I’m curious where folks land on this. I still think it’s a good practice and does help me hold myself accountable without setting a hard line (which is hard to do in my profession, which often has after hours emergencies)

    1. Dom*

      It’s a gracious thing to do, and while I wouldn’t necessarily expect or demand it from people, I’d have a higher opinion of those who did/find them more pleasant to work with — which is the usual end effect of things we do that are slightly inconvenient to us but make life easier for other people.

    2. MsM*

      I think at minimum, it’s important to be clear that messages outside of business hours don’t need to be responded to until business hours unless they’re flagged as urgent, and that status will be reserved for true emergencies. But I think people do tend to feel like they should address messages promptly regardless, so scheduling stuff to send at 9 am if you have a 3 am brainstorm that just can’t wait is a good habit to get into.

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yes to this! I have had bosses who occasionally sent emails at non-standard hours and that never bothered me because (1) it was usually when they were travelling, so I knew why they were looking at/responding to their work emails at weird hours and (2) it was at companies that had fairly strong cultures of “work during business hours, respect your personal life during non-work hours.”

        Part of (2) was I didn’t have a work cell phone and I left my work computer at work, so I was already doing the “if people didn’t want to receive messages outside of business hours, it was up to them to manage their notifications” thing.

        I think in other work cultures (where people have more access to their work emails at home, at companies/in industries with more of a “work all the time” vibe), a manager scheduling emails to only send during business hours can be a much more important signal.

      2. Anonym*

        Related, if you’re scheduling meetings outside of normal business hours, acknowledge that and be clear about your expectations. Something like, “I know this is off hours, apologies! If you can’t make it, we’ll share the notes with you.” Or if it’s really important that people be there, acknowledge the inconvenience and say please make it if you can.

        I’m currently stressed because a senior leader just scheduled a series of off hours meetings for a very non-urgent project at a very bad time for me, and I’m trying to figure out how to politely ask if they can be moved. Not sure if it really needs to be then or if they just didn’t think about it (as is known to be the case with this person sometimes). If they were a peer, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask, but because they’re a managing director I’m stressed and weighing the potential risks.

    3. Esme*

      It’s something new, so you are seeing etiquette being formed real time. Advocate for the situation you want to see become the norm.

    4. Ashley*

      I schedule so they land when the person starts work (if I know) or about an hour before regular business hours in case they are an early person. I find it helps when there is an after hour emergency I can get a response from people because they know it is unusual for me to be reaching out after hours.

    5. Tree*

      I am a morning person and often use the quietness of the office/lack of incoming requests to respond to items that require focus. I always scheduled my emails if I was cc’ing my team or a group that included more junior employees. I didn’t way to set expectations that they need to be online as early as me.

      Although, one team member caught on, even though I tried to vary the time to not be topic of hour, because she was c’est on several at one. :)

    6. kiki*

      I send emails within my own 8-5 working hours with a note saying, “I send emails during my working hours and don’t expect a response outside of anyone else’s working hours,” (unless it’s a true emergency, but those are generally calls, not emails). I found that trying to track everyone I work with’s working hours was adding too much mental load to my life. I would try to do so with a smaller team.

      I don’t send emails outside my 8-5 day, though. Even though I am often working in the evening, I don’t want others to get the impression that I’m working late therefore they need to too.

    7. bamcheeks*

      I think this depends a lot on your business culture. There are lots of places where one or two messages outside working hours doesn’t set a precedent, or where there’s a good enough work-life balance and visible flexibility that sending a message at 9pm is compensated for by leaving at 3pm to pick the dog up. If the expectation is that everyone is at their desk 9-6, or that kind of flexibility is only available to the senior staff, it’s a bad look.

  45. mother_of_hedgehogs*

    I worked for a company that regularly attended trade shows and had booths most of the time. We had two senior managers that would come for the set up and break down.

    Manager 1 was in the trenches as we set up our booth space- actively helping and only occasionally directing- they knew that we all knew the drill. Stayed from first set up and until the truck was packed back up.

    Manager 2 never helped. Always stood to the side chatting with other vendors and shouting (usually not very helpful) “advise” on how to set up.

    Guess which manager we respected?

    1. MsM*

      Yeah, I try not to leave before my reports when I’m working events. Or at least not before I make sure they have everything they need and someone to contact if they need help.

  46. OrdinaryJoe*

    If it’s a low stakes issue or discussion, go with other people’s ideas and opinions and stay out of it except to encourage the discussion. Former boss had to always have their way even though they always asked for other people’s opinions …. pen color, pizza place, which image to use on a brochure, didn’t matter. I learned quickly not to bother giving an opinion or even participating except to agree with them.

  47. Tom R*

    I have worked directly for and with a lot of senior managers and the value of a thank you to junior employees goes a long way. I worked with one executive who would always take time out of her calendar on Friday afternoon (pre-pandemic) to walk the floor and say thank you to people, ask about their families etc…. It showed that the person behind the job title didn’t think they were better than anyone and that they were people too.

  48. JennG*

    Larger stuff:
    1. Praise in public, correct/manage in private – unless it’s a disrespectful interaction that just needs to be shut down, in which case do it as immediately and briefly as possible.
    2. To add to “don’t complain” I would add “don’t gossip, ever.” Be particularly mindful of what you say about others.
    3. Don’t complain about personal finances or share your high-flying plans (if any). It goes over badly. My cautionary tale: the CEO of the small company I worked for took us all out to a steakhouse (2 of us were vegetarians) and then went onto a diatribe about how he would like to run for office but MPs “only” made $100,000 (this was early 00s). We were all making under $40k. We all left within a year.
    4. Work to become a good listener with everything you have. If you can make your default mode listening, that’s the best.
    5. Connect people with help; don’t always be the helper. You might have the power to create a caring environment overall. Here’s an example from a workplace: we had a battery booster that you can sign out if your car dies. This originated from the boss always giving this one guy whose car was having issues a boost. A $200 investment means there’s help for everyone, and the boss never came under fire for not helping the next person. (This was a very cold climate – substitute whatever.)

    Smaller stuff:
    1. If your schedule is more flexible because you’re on call for every emergency, that’s just fine. But show up where possible for key days and events and try to overlap with every ‘shift’ at least once a week or twice a month, like come in early two days and stay later two days if you have teams that work a bit flexibly, so that people have a chance for that start of day/end of day bonding and feedback.
    2. Yeah I would be really careful about all the office ‘treats.’ When I was a #2 in a medium-small organization, I just didn’t partake of treats and freebies, unless it was the holiday inundation where there was a ton extra. I also would eat last at functions, and never take the last treat/cranberry juice/whatever. Basically think of it like you are the default hostess.
    3. Be extra diligent about not leaving your plate dirty in the sink and all those things – it reads way differently as you go up the chain. There was a reason for executive bathrooms in the Mad Men era and it wasn’t all one way.
    4. Be direct with people if there’s anything embarrassing like you’ve forgotten a name or broken the photocopies. It sets the best example but it also adds to a reputation for forthright communication.
    5. Be prepared to step in on all the little speaking/events managing things like ending the lunch gracefully.
    6. For work events at night (like annual holiday party), leave pretty early (unless your work culture is such that you are supervising driving sober initiatives or whatever.)

    Finally if you’ve risen in the ranks you are probably doing a ton right, plus you observed this behaviour and picked up on it. I look forward to your newsletter on leadership.

    1. Heffalump*

      The battery booster is a great example of lateral thinking! If the boss applied that kind of thinking to the organization’s goals, the organization should have been sitting pretty. I’m guessing from “cold climate” and the CEO’s bitching about low salaries for MPs that you’re in Canada.

    2. She of Many Hats*

      3. Be extra diligent about not leaving your plate dirty in the sink and all those things – it reads way differently as you go up the chain. There was a reason for executive bathrooms in the Mad Men era and it wasn’t all one way.

      ^^^^^^^^^^
      This – don’t be too big to load your stuff (and anything else in the sink) into the dishwasher and make a fresh pot of coffee.

  49. NitaSC*

    Two things come to mind: First, your choice of words can have a tremendous effect on staff. “Thanks”, “I appreciate you taking care of xyz”, “I know you went the extra mile to get that thing done” seem simple, but sincere (not overdone) recognition of a person’s effort can be a tremendous boost. Second, take care to never act aggravated or put out when somebody uses sick or vacation time. So demoralizing to work hard and do your best and then get treated like you’re malingering when you’re taking a couple of sick days, or made to feel guilty because you’re on vacation and making extra work for everybody else.

  50. GymManager*

    My dad, who was a high-powered executive, gave me the single best piece of career advice I’ve ever heard, and I’d like to share it with you:

    If your team is working on a long project, burning the midnight oil, be present with them, even if you can’t directly help them. It sends a message that you all on the same team—equals trying to accomplish a common goal.

    My dad, an advertising executive, would always sit in his office while the art department worked to meet a tough deadline. He typically couldn’t help them with their creative work, but he always made it a point to be on-site with them while they pulled those extra hours—even if it just meant reading a magazine or playing solitaire at his desk. He would offer coffees, dinners (perks of being an executive). This goes back to the golden rule of treating your team members how you would like to be treated—and never asking them to do something you wouldn’t do yourself.

    To this day, I still follow this advice. If my team has to work an overnight, I’m there. If someone calls off of their shift and there’s no one to cover it, you know I’m there—even if it’s to scrub toilets.

  51. Pandas*

    As I’ve moved up I realized the meaning of “we” changed a lot. When I was junior, I said “we” so as not to sound cocky or like I thought I was more important than I was. So it would be, “we implemented this project” instead of “I implemented this project”, even if I did 80% of the work. But now that I’m senior and often on the 20% side, I try to avoid saying “we” since it comes across as taking credit for others work now and I say “Jane implemented the project” even if I had a part too.

    1. EarlGrey*

      this is a really good one! And I’d add to it, if you’re praising an accomplishment in any more formal context, make sure you get ALL the names, including admin & IT & graphic design etc etc folks who helped the team get the thing out the door. We’ve all had that “you missed ME” moment when praise goes out at a meeting or office wide email. (bonus points for jumping in to say “Jane also had a big role in this!” if someone above you misses her name, it can feel so awkward to correct someone when you don’t have the seniority!)

  52. Dom*

    The best managers I’ve worked for shared out development opportunities (e.g. when we had new starters, different people were in charge of pairing up with them for the first few weeks). If it’s always the same people volunteering for this sort of thing, and they happen to be the loudest/most socially confident, it can hold back anyone who’s quieter or more shy from getting key experience that’s important for promotions.

    Some examples from the tech sector: different people getting the various investigation/research tickets, or taking point on a larger project, even if everyone’s going to be working on that code to an extent. Some meetings (where it makes sense!) having a rotating schedule for who’s in charge, to get people accustomed to managing a meeting. Presentations within the company but outside the team going to not just the project lead, but also parts of it being done by the other people who worked on it.

  53. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    My first job out of college, I worked for some incredible leaders. Below are some specific behaviors I observed. The big-picture take away is that you need to actually care about the staff, as employees and as people, and you need to not just pay lip service to company values, but to live and demonstrate them all the time. Don’t treat your employees as interchangeable widgets. And it will pay off, both morally and practically.

    * At one point, I was working in a floater office on the executive floor. I went to get some coffee, and the CEO had just started a fresh pot. While he was waiting, he had soaped up a paper towel and was cleaning the handles and spigot in the sink.
    * We were getting a major renovation of one of our buildings. The COO moved from a large, top-floor office to a smaller space on the lower floors. When I mentioned something off-hand about it, he said words to the effect of the size of the office didn’t matter to him, the extra space was just for staff meetings and as long as he had a conference room for that he was fine. No ego about big corner office.
    * When a team had to pull an all-nighter for a very fast turnaround project, our VP showed up at 6 am with donuts and fruit. He couldn’t even come into the office suite, because of security issues, but he knocked on the door, passed in the platter, and told us how much he appreciated us. And then gave us extra vacation time.

  54. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

    Don’t complain about your salary, especially to those who are significantly junior to you. Do work to make sure people you manage (and possibly everyone across the company) are being paid fair/market wages, and be proactive about trying to retain them with raises/etc.

    Listen. Look for the employees who have jobs that are more in the background, and get their input.

    Don’t make big changes (to people’s schedules, spaces, benefits, workflows, etc.) for no reason, and get input from those involved when you need to make changes.

    Mainly, just be aware (something that you are obviously trying to do!) of the power imbalance. Step back to let those lower in the hierarchy benefit before you when it comes to perks like free food/tickets/etc., and when it’s something that you need to be there for (like a lunch with a big client), try to invite someone junior along so they can get the facetime/experience(and don’t always pick the same few people if you can help it).

  56. Wiedge*

    – Be very judicious about remarking or complaining about the expense of personal items. Items purchased by work is ok to complain about. Example: You approve the health insurance plan each year yet are deeply *personally* offended that you have to pay $X for your kids’ glasses while making 10x the average salary….um, no. Shhh. Want to complain the hotel overcharged for the last workshop hosted? Sure.
    – If you participate in an office pool -and I don’t agree you should- and you win, share the benefits with all. (Like buy pizza for the participants). Don’t take money off your staff.
    – If gifts are given to the organization to raffle off to the staff, don’t take a set of anything for yourself. It’s for the staff.
    – The best/worst description I ever heard about an Exec with poor boundaries is that this person always made sure they were “never least and never last”. Advocating for yourself should never be at expense of staff.

  57. ThisIsNotADuplicateComment*

    For me the biggest thing to remember is that most people (especially team members who are new to the working world) are going to assume you make A LOT more money than them, even if that isn’t true or even if it is true but you have a bunch of expenses that eat up most of your pay. So you want to make sure your actions reflect that mindset as much as is reasonably as possible.
    A quick rule of thumb is imagine you saw someone you knew made double your salary doing __whatever__. If you feel like you would be fine then go for it, if you feel like you’d be unimpressed then don’t.

  58. noco*

    Hold office hours! Even if you just block off 60-90 minutes per week for people to book 15-minute meetings with you, and even if nobody ever takes you up on it, the fact that you dedicate time on your calendar to invite people to have 1:1 time with you will go a long way toward them being comfortable to ask for it when it’s truly needed.

    1. noco*

      As is so often the case, I’m not sure why this nested under the above comment — I intended it to be a stand-alone. Sorry for the weird fork :)

  59. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

    I was the sole person on my team located in a different city than my supervisor. We talked on the phone regularly, but I didn’t get a lot of face time.

    Around the holidays in December every year, he’d come out to my city (definitely a hassle, 2-3 hour drive or train ride each way) and take me out to lunch.

    Certainly not required of him to come all the way out to do that.

    I always thought it was a classy move on his part. A nice touch that made me feel appreciated.

    3. Sally*

      I am also remote and my first manager (who was also the CTO) had virtual 1:1s with me every week, even though we really could have managed with 1:1s every other week just fine. He took the time to discuss any work issues I had, talk about priorities, and then took the time to just chat with me for a bit every week. It made me feel like a valued part of the team and that he was always there if I needed help with anything. I was sad when he left and my new manager barely makes the time to meet with me once a month. Definitely helped me figure what to do and not to do when managing remote workers…

  60. Recovering Editor*

    One of the most valuable things in a manager is the ability to manage up on behalf of the people who report to her–obvious things like advocating for workload, salary, etc., but also serving as a bulwark against panic and stress generated from the top. I had a wonderful manager once who would say things like “BigBoss is making a big thing about core work hours right now, so make sure you try to take your lunch before 1 pm. However, this is BigBoss, so he’ll probably forget about it in a few weeks.” In contrast, the manager of a different department would transfer all of the BigBoss freakouts straight to their department. That department had way more stress than ours.

  61. Esme*

    The cookies don’t just appear. My mom’s job was to keep snacks stocked at her office. It made more work for her when people stole them. Not a good vibe. As a higher up, set a good example there.

  62. PicklePants*

    “Seeing” everyone no matter how small their role is at your company. Not taking the extra mile people go for you for granted, I know who I am appreciated by & will always go above & beyond for them.

    Please don’t gripe about your pay, I get that all people can be struggling, but it can be a hard pill to swallow when a coworker you know is on 3 times your salary is griping about not being able to afford their 3rd holiday this year whilst i’m struggling to afford basic groceries (so, yes, please don’t take all the cookies ).

  63. Trout 'Waver*

    It’s unclear to me whether OP is actually in an official leadership role or whether they’re a peer leader/mentor. Those are very different things.

    1. Suzy Now*

      I was having the same thought. Some of the things recommended here would come off as egotistic or condescending if done by a person who doesn’t have official high status, so OP should edit accordingly.

      1. Trout 'Waver*

        Being an official leader means you speak for company. It also carries the implication of the difference in ranks. You have to be much more taciturn in what you say. You’re also under much more scrutiny from both above and below.

        Being a peer leader or mentor means you can speak much more freely. Your anecdotes and stories are more relatable. You have less scrutiny and come across as inherently more authentic.

        1. Relentlessly Socratic*

          But this isn’t about official voice, it’s about the little things one can do like letting jr folks go first for food. Even peer leaders can step up and model behavior. Not everything is about speaking for the company.

          1. Trout 'Waver*

            Using your own example, a peer leader can signal to junior employees that it’s time to eat by being the first to get food. I’ve seen many cases where junior people didn’t want the stigma of being the first through the line.

            An official leader can stand up and say “buffet’s open, everyone grab a plate and help yourselves.” And then hang back.

            But, if you’re in an official leadership position, everything can be interpreted as speaking for the company. I’m not talking about whether it should be that way or not. It’s the way it is.

  64. Kali*

    1. If you’re going to ask about your subordinates’ lives, make an effort to remember the broad strokes. If someone doesn’t have children and has told you that *multiple* times, don’t ask how Spring Break with the kids went! It just makes us feel like you’re not even here even if you’re physically present.

    2. Don’t micromanage and throw your weight around just to show that you’re doing something. Is this something that a subordinate can and will take care of efficiently and effectively? Then why are you getting involved? If you’re being made to get involved by *your* bosses, explain that – “hey, I know you’ve got this, but Big Boss really values this project and wants extra eyes on it. I might be asking more questions than normal.” (Or whatever is appropriate for the situation.) I have to add that this includes when you screw up – accept that you screwed up and own it, instead of creating special exemptions for yourself because you’re one of the bosses. We’ve had supervisors who messed up and then acted all puffed up, covering for their mistake with “well, I get to do this, but y’all don’t” sort of talk. Drives us up the wall.

    3. Clear communication. Please, just calmly explain your decisions when your staff is upset or confused.

  65. WantonSeedStitch*

    Take time to chat with indirect reports at events, but make sure you don’t just chat with the folks with whom you have the most in common. Try to get everyone for a little bit but not too long–let them spend most of the time talking with their peers.

    Find opportunities to praise people lower on the corporate ladder than you are to people who are above you. Help their good work to become more visible.

    Give people lower on the corporate ladder first crack at opportunities that might help them develop as professionals (e.g., education opportunities, coveted projects, etc.)

    Work on becoming aware of unconscious biases you may have in favor of or against individuals in your workplace and do your best to avoid letting them determine how you act or how you treat people.

    2. Full time reader, part time commenter*

      Remembering an offsite work event where senior management stood in a circle and only spoke to each other. Everyone brought their families, they missed a great opportunity to mingle and make points.

  66. Snarkus Aurelius*

    One thing no one ever told me about being the boss was how much giving I’d be doing. (No complaints) Prior to that, I always envisioned bosses as making six figures, taking loads of vacation time, working from their vacation homes, getting to travel, and working on all the interesting projects. I thought that because that’s most of what I saw.

    But leadership is about giving, giving, giving. When people’s livelihoods are at risk is when leadership counts the most. Late paycheck? Health insurance lapsed? Parking badge doesn’t work? Retirement didn’t get matched? Laptop broken? Salary is out of whack? I clear my day to fix those problems, and I don’t stop until I’m done. If my staff aren’t happy, they won’t be productive and, eventually, they won’t want to work here anymore. Most of the time I listen. I feel like an ersatz therapist! People need to feel heard and acknowledged. They don’t need you to agree with everything they’re saying — a common misconception from people who shouldn’t be bosses! While all of this might be a pain in the butt, I remind myself this is why I make more than they do, and I can’t just “empower” them to help themselves when they can’t achieve what they want without my signature and input! I hate it when I see stupid LinkedIn motivational crap that puts all the onus on the employee to be successful, and if success doesn’t happen, it’s because the employee didn’t “want it enough” or some bullshit. That’s simply not true!

    Two cautionary tales:

    1) Not my boss, but I knew a Chad who saw leadership as a one way street. All day long, he complained and demanded things from his staff. Never once did he consider what he could do for them. When I pointed that out to me, he looked shocked. “My job is to make sure they do their jobs. I am not accountable to them. They don’t tell me what to do. If they disagree, then they’re not a team player and they can leave.” Okay then!

    2) I had a boss who was obsessed with the book, Leaders Eat Last. He took that literally. Without talking to anyone, he scheduled a potluck for all of us. He voluntold us to bring a dish in while he would make a point of serving everyone cafeteria style and then literally eat last. Half of us had conflicts that day. Two of us were on vacation. The rest of us simply didn’t want to cook primarily because he wasn’t qualified for the job that he had so his incompetence increased our workload overall. He reminded me of an unfunny version of Michael Scott.

    1. DrSalty*

      I love this take on leadership. As a manager, I consider my #1 role to be empowering my reports to be successful.

  67. Lou's Girl*

    Had a bank President years ago (fairly large regional bank) who, once promoted, met with individuals in each department to learn exactly what we did on a daily basis. He even worked the teller line a couple days. After that we would’ve followed him to the ends of the earth. That was over 20 years ago, and I still remember him and that small gesture.

    1. Miami*

      A friend of mine talks often about the day her state agency head worked the front desk on a holiday (a holiday that employees were supposed to have off, but on which her agency had to be somewhat open) so that everyone else could celebrate the holiday. The loyalty and appreciation he earned from dozens of employees is worth so much more than the eight hours he spent at the front desk.

    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I had a C-suite boss who did this by taking everyone out to lunch, but it very much felt like he just wanted an excuse to go out for wings and charge them to the company.

  68. Somewhere in Texas*

    For me it is specifically asking junior level employees for their input and insight, especially at meetings where their voices may be lost. Using your standing to share the stage with those who are still finding their voice is gracious and shows you are comfortable enough in your position to share the spotlight.

    For polish, this means not putting them on the spot but asking them if they have any ideas/thoughts to share. You can build on those or refer back to them . It’s not just letting their voices be heard, but also truly listening.

  69. Toupeee*

    This sort of applies to everyone but especially a higher up: please don’t complain 24/7 about *every thing all the time*

  70. too many dogs*

    LOTS of great comments said better than I could. I will add one of my favorite quotes: “Leadership is not about being in charge, it is about taking care of people in your charge.” Think back to before you were a leader: was there a leader you admired? What did she do? How did she treat people? Emulate her. Will it make the big bosses see you differently? Maybe. More importantly, it will make those who work for & with you see you differently. An even better quote: “A supervisor brings store-bought cookies to the company picnic. A leader stays to help clean up.”

  71. teensyslews*

    I saw something recently along the lines of “the higher you get the more being liked is important” and I think that’s the key thing to keep in mind. A lot of senior leaders have lost touch with how long things take to complete or they don’t realize how they’re affecting other deliverables when they inject last-minute items into the queue (especially since many people/companies consider asks from higher up = always more important). Give as much time as possible for your asks, say please and thank you, show extra appreciation for last minute work, and work collaboratively with staff to set timelines when possible.
    Also – make a real effort to get to know staff and remember them. I currently have a senior leader who always remembers me even though we do not work together directly and it’s such a nice touch!

  72. AintYoSupervisor*

    Maybe I am missing something, but it doesn’t sound like you have increased positional authority, just more “time on the job” than others? Unless you do have a different title or positional authority, I don’t see this as an issue, and one of the worst things you could do is act differently or with more authority than you actually have. I had a coworker (job-alike) that would preface every idea or assertion of his with “I’ve been here 15 years, and…” ODIOUS. In my mind, I’d say “you’ve been here 15 years and you still have the same job title as a new hire–why haven’t you been promoted?” Ick.
    Just be a decent person and do the things that everyone should do–work well with others, be polite, do your tasks on time.
    Oh, and eat all the office snacks you want!

    2. Strive to Excel*

      It sounds like OP has both experience and positional authority (based on “a combination of steady promotions & organizational shakeups”).

  73. WantonSeedStitch*

    Oh, also: pitch in and lend a hand with stuff like setting up and putting away food after meetings, cleaning the office kitchen, etc.

  74. Elliot*

    A few gracious things I’ve seen senior leaders doing:
    Remember people’s names and use them
    Praise publicly (using the names that you remember!)
    Don’t complain
    This may be a bit “extra,” but I had a senior leader once reach out to me when I was VERY junior and take me to lunch to chat. It meant so much and broke down the “walls” and made me feel valued and heard.

  75. Miami*

    A few that have stood out to me over my career:

    – As many have mentioned here, know names, make small talk, and be genuinely interested in your coworkers. It made such a big impression on me when I was an intern, Americorps member, etc. when the higher-ups would treat me as a coworker even though my role was temporary and low-level.

    – Clean up after yourself. My current office has a light kitchen duty rotation, and our executive director takes his turn happily. By payroll standards, maybe it doesn’t make sense for the highest-paid person to wipe down the microwaves on occasion, but it pays off in morale. Washing your own coffee mug, wiping up a spill, etc. is a very visible and simple way to show that you value others’ time as much as your own.

    – As one of the higher-paid employees in my organization, I try not to bring attention to more expensive things I may be able to own or do.

    – Show lots of appreciation for everyone’s contributions. Praise them publicly if they like that. Say “I trust you” when they ask for your input. See everyone as an essential piece of the puzzle, not a rung below you on the ladder.

  76. Jen*

    Don’t let your subordinates work harder than you. If you see that they’re regularly coming in early or leaving late to get all of their work done, then you should be there, too.

    Don’t complain to subordinates about problems they had no role in creating. It’s OK to acknowledge that something is a problem, or diplomatically explain why something may be an issue that impacts them, but your subordinates do not need to be burdened with your complaints.

    Dress professionally, but don’t flaunt salary differentials. Yeah, maybe you got a raise and it allows you to buy expensive purses, for example, but consider the message it sends to your subordinates.

    Don’t take time off during crunch times your staff.

    Model the behavior you want to see from your team. If you’re taking half-hour coffee breaks and gossiping in the hallways, for example, then don’t be upset when they do the same.

  77. SleepyHollowGirl*

    Know that people will defer to you all sorts of circumstances. That means if a group arrives at lunch or for coffee, they’ll let you go first unless you specifically let others go. They’ll laugh at your jokes even if they are dumb. Most people will hesitate to cut you off in meetings, etc. So you have to be more aware of how other people are reading a situation.

    Your praise and your censure have more weight, use accordingly. Even things that you don’t think of as censure may come across that way. Consider “that is not a good idea” from a coworker vs a manager vs a skip level manager. From a coworker, it’s a pure technical statement, from a skip level manager, it lands more like censure than a disagreement. On the flip side, consider “thank you” from a coworker vs a manager vs a skip level manager. So you probably want to publicly praise work you’d like to see more of in your org, and direct any criticism privately and probably not directly (ie, via a manager).

    If you work odd hours or long hours and people see that, they’ll be more likely to think you expect them to work odd hours, unless you explicitly tell them that’s not the case. Likewise, if you stick to a fixed schedule and people see that, they’ll feel more comfortable doing that themselves.

    FWIW, I’m not sure stuffing your purse with cookies from the breakroom was ever okay. (Like, unless they were leftovers going to be thrown away, or unless you didn’t have enough money to buy food.)

  78. Young Business*

    Some of the things that leaders have done that have stuck out in my mind:

    – Remembering and acknowledging birthdays. I appreciated that a VP-level leader (my skip level boss) who had about 80 indirect reports took the time to acknowledge birthdays with a simple email or instant message.

    – Keeping track of vacations of indirect reports, etc. Again, just a simple acknowledgement from a skip-level boss on how my time away was meant a lot.

  79. Czech Mate*

    Honestly, I think the biggest difference is that high performing junior staffers keep their head down (i.e. just focus on getting their work done) and high performing senior staffers/managers keep their heads up–that is, they look more at the dynamics of the office, notice how others work together, and adjust accordingly. Interns don’t get paid much? Let them take the leftover cookies. Terry did a really big project behind the scenes? Say something in the staff meeting. Little things like that go a long way.

  80. Jiminy Cricket*

    Gracious senior leaders make sure the credit goes allllll the way around when a project succeeds or gets praise. Everyone who touched it.

  81. The Rafters*

    I just got my hand rightfully slapped yesterday (figuratively speaking). I later told a friend that I really like my supervisor because she’s always very direct and clear about what I did wrong, what I need to do to make it right, then she moves on, and that she’s like that with everyone.

  82. Forrest Rhodes*

    I’ve always appreciated the upper-level types who used “we” instead of “I” whenever appropriate. Not the annoying, medical-speak “And how are WE today?” type thing, but particularly when announcing a success of some kind: we (not I) reached X goal, through our (or our team’s, but not my) extra efforts.

  83. Colorado*

    Be a good human in general, be humble, praise people’s work. Show up at important events and talk to everyone. Be approachable, show vulnerability once in a while and curb the ego.

  84. AnneCordelia*

    Right after massive layoffs at the company, my husband’s boss decided to show everyone pictures of her family’s recent cruise to Antarctica during a staff meeting. Tactful, right?

  85. Yesterwynde*

    Something I’m grateful about my boss is that he has his team’s back, in a meeting with a very condescending and misogynistic colleague my boss told him: I don’t know why you are trying to bypass Yesterwynde, you should know that she is the SME and I will do whatever SHE tells me is the best option for this case, so it’s her the one you have to talk to.

    All this to say, make sure your team knows that you will support their decisions and hipe their expertise within the company

    1. Yesterwynde*

      My boss have done the same for male members of he team, this one just felt amazing because of the double component of mysoginy and trying to bypass me to get the answer he wanted.

  86. Unreasonable Doubt*

    In addition to everyone’s excellent suggestions above, I’d say think about the ways you can informally mentor junior people, and/or become a resource on a specific skill for anyone who has questions. Without knowing the industry you’re in, it’s hard to describe specifically, but I’ll give you examples from my job (law firm): (1) take extra time to go over something done by a junior employee to talk through your feedback, how you might change their wording or approach, and why; (2) if you have a higher-level task, invite the junior person to participate/observe/review what you’re doing; (3) make it known to staff that if they ever have a question about “x” or get stuck on “y,” that you can be a go-to expert for help or to answer questions; (4) if your culture permits it, send an occasional email update about something important or interesting happening in your area of expertise- it reinforces the message that you are a resource for that area, and will encourage others to seek you out for help.

    Kindness, graciousness, being respectful, praising people/sharing credit, and not hoarding cookies are all important and should be your default. But taking time to informally train, mentor, and assist people are hallmarks of a leader.

  87. Lorem Ipsum*

    Be willing to pick trash up off the floor. I mean this both literally and figuratively. Demonstrate that you, too, can solve problems that don’t really belong to anyone, even when they are minor, like a gum wrapper in the hallway.

    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      This, but don’t complain about it. We had a senior leader who always took on a particular shared kitchen task no one would do, but would whine about it loudly to whoever was in the room every time. I personally didn’t think it was a good use of their time to do the task, but since they were in a position of power and could, in theory, find / fund a solution to this task never getting done, it was extra annoying that they felt put upon for doing a task no one asked of them.

  88. Quinalla*

    Don’t expect thanks from people like you got when you were junior and definitely do not show any feelings of being put out that people are thanking you! Corollary, don’t do things because you want folks to appreciate you, do it because it is fair, right, etc. You won’t get a lot of thanks as a leader and that ok, you are doing your job and a lot of it is unseen/unnoticed when you are doing it well.

    Offer to pay or just pay when you are with someone junior or booking travel with folks, even if it will be reimbursed, generally the junior person it is a bigger deal to put that meal or hotel room or whatever on their credit card even if your company reimburses promptly.

    Be more mindful about what you say and express. You are being watched, you may say something as a throwaway that folks will take as a directive. Your emotions will affect your entire team much more than when you were a peer/junior. That isn’t to say you have to be a robot, but you do need to consider what is appropriate since you are going to be taking a lot of folks on your emotional roller coaster. If it is something that won’t matter in 5 minutes, 5 hours or even 5 days – maybe chill a bit. If it is something that will matter in 5 months or 5 years, yeah go ahead and get fired up.

  89. essie*

    Specifically, the best leaders I’ve seen:
    – Know everyone’s name, down to the janitors, and speak to every single person with respect.
    – Specifically put themselves in positions to serve. My last Director would always pass out plates when we had catered staff lunches. She was also the first to offer help when needed. She once saw me carrying boxes into the office, and without hesitation, she came over and grabbed a box to help. Nothing has ever motivated me more. After seeing that, I really wanted to do the best job possible for her.
    – Don’t make a big deal out of symbols of power, like having the biggest office. I once had a boss who got a new office, and she could not stop talking about her “new big fancy office.” It was tacky, while the rest of us fought for cube space. It was demoralizing to watch her constantly tout her new office while we shuffled our cramped chairs.
    – Go out of their way to express gratitude. My old Director used to pull people aside to thank them for very specific things. The first time she did that to me, I had so much respect for her taking time to thank me for something I’d worked very hard for.
    – Avoid jargon, or any fancy-sounding & condescending language. For me, even though I’m just a middle manager, jargon can easily slip into my vocab if I’m not careful – probably just because that’s what I hear all day. It has to be intentional, to keep a down-to-earth tone and style.
    I hope this helps!

    1. roann*

      Service and helping with little things is SUCH a good one. I used to have a boss who would effusively offer help with events, staff training, etc., but then she’d show up, let herself be seen, and eventually just kind of slide out the back early. We all learned to mentally remove her from “list of staff who will be onsite to help” because she wasn’t really reliable.

      1. essie*

        Ooo yes, that’s the worst! I feel like just doing lip service, or just trying to be seen, is worse than not offering at all. When they show up and actually help, it’s so impactful!

    2. Czech Mate*

      Re: knowing everyone’s name, down to the janitor. My old boss once gave an award to the custodian at the company Christmas party, and she specifically pointed out all the ways that he was always there to help everyone else on the team no matter what. Everyone gave him a standing ovation.

      She wasn’t a great boss, BUT she had the optics of graciousness down pat. I always thought it was such a kind gesture, and it clearly meant a lot to the custodian.

  90. girlie_pop*

    Know everyone’s names and try to get to know them a little bit. I’ve had senior leaders who knew me and knew about my dog/a hobby/something big happening in my life, and I’ve had senior leaders who had no idea who I was, what I did, or anything about me, and I can tell you that I enjoyed working at companies where the senior leaders knew me and acted like they cared.

    Don’t participate in things like department/team gift exchanges, and instead do something on your own for everyone when your team does them – get everyone a cafe gift card or get lunch for when the exchange happens or something.

    I think also thanking people personally and/or recognizing them publicly when you know they worked hard on a project or put in extra hours on something. It’s so easy to feel like senior leaders don’t see or care about anything except for the outcome of a big project, so knowing that they cared enough to ask my manager who made something successful and recognizing that feels very gracious to me – like you care about more than just looking good and want to make sure people know about your team’s success.

  91. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    Stay out of office gossip.

    Don’t instigate it and don’t participate in it.

    If people junior to you are gossiping find a reason for you to move along to allow them to gossip on without you.

    Managers who “spill the tea” end up not being trusted by either those above or below them

    1. cactus lady*

      No. If you hear people gossiping it is your job as a leader to stop it! Step in. Say something. If they’re not your direct reports it doesn’t matter. The whole leadership team sets the culture.

      1. frenchblue*

        This is kind of interesting to think about, because I think it’s heavily context-dependent. I would never, ever gossip in the presence of leadership, and I doubt anyone at my org would. I would certainly hope that leadership would stop harmful gossip if they heard it, but I don’t think all gossip is so harmful that it should be stopped… in some cases, that may come across as heavy-handed. But I totally agree that leaders should never participate. Instead, I’ve seen good leaders step in while allowing their staff to save face a bit, like by changing the subject: “Hey Jane, do you happen to know if Susan was able to get X for the meeting?” and that usually sends the message without sounding school-marmish.

      2. Dr Wizard, PhD*

        It depends what you consider gossip.

        ‘Did you hear Jane and her husband are getting a divorce?’ is for sure something to shut down instantly.

        ‘Have you heard they might be changing our work conditions? What the hell!’ might be classified as ‘gossip’ but I think is the kind of thing it’s important people be able to talk about and vent..

    2. No Tribble At All*

      Ugh, yes, my supervisor is notorious for spilling personal information. He doesn’t seem to understand that what’s said to him in confidence should not be shared with everyone. Once you start him talking, he just keeps. going.

  92. GovGal*

    Listening. Empathy. One thing I notice from leaders I admire is they think about others before themselves in general. That mindset will steer you in the right direction no matter the scenario.

  93. cactus lady*

    I have shared this story before, but once I was at a work holiday party where there was a white elephant gift exchange, and the big boss had brought some nicer gifts to mix in with our $15 limit gifts. The whole senior leadership team (i.e. the highest paid people in the company) stole ALL of the nicest gifts from the most junior employees. I was a senior individual contributor a the time and I was so appalled. It made me think less of each of those people as humans.

    I thought about that often when I took a new job as the head of a department and was in a similar position to where you are now. I think the most important thing is to remember that (even when it doesn’t feel like it) you are in a privileged position compared to the more junior staff in all of your interactions.

    Another thing that came up was that I would request random meetings and calls with people without clarifying what for and without thinking that I am the BOSS requesting and UNSCHEDULED MEETING and that strikes terror into the hearts of people. I reframed it as “can we meet real quick to discuss X” – though at this point my team is pretty used to it :)

  94. Fluffy Fish*

    Be generous with the genuine 1 v 1 compliments. Not “good job” or “presentation was great” not even “your a star employee”

    the “the way you present makes the audience feel like you are speaking to them one on one” compliments.

    the compliments that let people know they are seen, and even things they may not “see” about themselves.

    Don’t be effusive, don’t pile on, don’t make it a big deal. Just verbalize the good things you see in your employees.

  95. Pool Noodle Barnacle Pen0s*

    This really comes down to mindfulness. Keep an awareness of your words and actions, and view them through the lens of how your reports and junior team members see you.

  97. Czhorat*

    For LW1 – a gracious senior leader:

    Step aside to let your team speak, especially in meetings with other senior management or important clients. Give a little introduction if you need to, and then step back.

    Be generous in stepping out of the spotlight.

  98. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I don’t think I saw it said anywhere above, but transparency. I’ve worked places that were experiencing really tumultuous times, financially and otherwise, and while I appreciate that upper management can’t always give you the finer details about what’s going on, being as transparent as you can is preferable to being oddly secretive about everything.

    Especially around things like benefits, raises, promotions, etc.: if you say there’s the potential for one of theses on the horizon six months from now, don’t just hope people magically forgot about it if you don’t bring it up. Have the guts to say “Sorry, we know we were hoping we could do X, but that’s no longer feasible.” Be pro-active during tough times.

    If you have to make hard decisions, own them and ensure that staff left in their wake have the info they need to move forward. I’ve worked at companies where my boss was fired and no one bothered to let our team know who we’d be reporting to in the mean time. Fewer things have made me feel less valued than the implication that no one bothered to think about how this kind of change might impact staff, both practically and emotionally.

    1. Busy Middle Manager*

      Preach! I was at a job that had a schedule for raises then one year, radio silence for months. We ended up getting them but the waiting/lack of transparency on if it was a bottle neck or we were in financial trouble caused people alot of stress.

  99. Snow Globe*

    If you aren’t a manager, but senior individual contributor, be available to assist the junior team members. Freely share your tips and tools for getting the work done efficiently. If you’ve created checklists or cheat sheets for yourself, offer those to others.

  100. Bringerofbrownies*

    Don’t ask the younger staff to grab the coffee for the meeting your org is hosting, or, really anything that will require reimbursement.

    When suggesting a lunch meeting, either select a place with lower cost or offer to pay. If you’re planning to pay make sure the other party knows this in the invitation. Offer to pay at coffee meetings. Or, if you think subordinate staff will be obligated to say yes to a suggested meal/coffee meeting, choose instead to “meet over lunch” at the office kitchen or rooftop deck or conference room where you can both BYO.

    Take on the responsibility of welcoming externals to your org and meeting, if applicable, and then be the one to make/encourage the introductions to younger staff. Basically, you’re the host now.

  101. EngGirl*

    I’m in a similar situation where I feel like I blinked and was suddenly a senior manager despite being in my early 30s. Thankfully I had one boss who realized how young I was and helped guide me on a few things.

    1.) Happy Hour – if your team does these it’s ok to drop by *sometimes* but let them have space outside of work where you’re not there. If you go have a 1 drink max and leave relatively early.

    2.) If there are “employee perks” like lunches, raffles, or competitions hang back a bit. You don’t have to eat last or not participate entirely but use some cautious judgement. We used to have this raffle where everyone would get some tickets and you would choose what prizes to put yourself in for, I learned the hard way not to go for the big prizes.

    3.) Treat your team when you can, but if your team is colocated with another group, please please please talk to that manager. This one is more a “how to work with other managers” thing. I once worked in an office that was technically 4 departments and about 30 people. 3 of the 4 departments reported to one manager, and then my small team of 4 reported to me. The other manager decided to have a pizza party for lunch one day for his team as a thank you. I didn’t know until all of his guys were eating pizza in the glass walled conference room while my team looked on in envy. If he’d said something I could have either planned something for my team or asked to go in with him and do something for all four teams.

    1. Pinta Bean*

      Raffles was what I was coming into say, I think some people get caught up in the fun of the raffle and don’t anticipate how awkward it is when a more senior manager or leader wins.

      Similar with give-aways, make sure everyone else has a chance first, and maybe even not take your own until the event has ended. I used to have a boss who was very senior in the organization, and she always made a big deal about taking two t-shirts, two mugs, whatever the item was, because she had two kids. She’d joke about how all parents know that you can’t come home with just ONE t-shirt, etc. Meanwhile some of the items were first come, first served to begin with, and they would run out and she’d be walking around with two.

      1. Lusara*

        I think raffles are always a bad idea, even if managers don’t participate at all. If you want to reward people, get smaller gifts so everyone gets one. People get resentful when a few people get huge prizes and everyone else gets nothing or some little token junk.

  102. Definitely not me*

    I love this question, too. I’m in a similar position at my work. I originally came to my organization as a contractor on a multi-year project, and when you’re a contractor you just keep your head down, do your work diligently, and don’t get involved in office politics, gossip, or drama. That experience turned out to be exactly the approach I needed to take when I was encouraged to apply for a permanent leadership position and I got it. Do your work with as much grace and fairness as possible, temper your temper :), stay out of office gossip, and don’t be a “total prat.” (That’s an expression I’ve never heard and I love it!) An example from my world: My position is not front-line dealing with customers, and technically, it could be done entirely remotely. My position was granted up to 3 WFH days, but I chose not to take them because some of the lower-level positions were allowed fewer (and, in some cases, no) WFH days. I didn’t want to be seen as receiving special treatment.

    One thing I did wrong is that I didn’t raise concerns about an issue soon enough. I report directly to the CEO and he actually said he wanted me to speak up and speak out more frequently and that he likes it when I do. That was surprising and gratifying. Don’t be a complainer, but raise concerns when warranted, and come armed with possible solutions to those problems. Or at least be open to solutions offered by others.

    Oh, and don’t be afraid to surrender a pet project to an underling and let them get credit for it. Let go of ego around your work product. This goes back to my days as a contractor: While I certainly contributed to projects, they were the client’s projects, not mine. The same is true for team projects when you’re in a senior position.

  103. IHaveKittens*

    Be as transparent as possible with information, especially when people are anxious about layoffs, etc. Lay the groundwork early that you will share whatever you can and stick to that.

  104. A Book about Metals*

    Regarding the blue box up top that this should be about the little things or extras. I get that and there are great suggestions here, but one thing I’ll add is that those little things won’t really matter as much if you don’t get the big thnigs right (which I assume OP has done since they are 3rd in command!)

  105. Tony Howard*

    Learn names and greet people by name !!! So important , never taught. I mean, not just your direct reports, team members, colleagues, etc. I’m talking about the janitor, the cashier, the maintenance staff, the IT support, etc. Everyone you come in contact with on a regular basis. It’s a lot of work , takes a lot of practice, and sometimes requires notes to yourself and memorization techniques – but you make such an good impression in your organization , when corporate staff or other visitors see this, staff will notice this , and best of all – people will grow to respect and admire you and be willing to help you when you need it. It sounds basic and simple – but so few leaders take the time to do this . LEARN NAMES !

  106. Lily Potter*

    Two things come to mind:

    1) if you’re doing a drawing to give away prizes (at the company picnic, Christmas party, etc.) senior managers don’t put their names in the hat. It’s a bad look when they win.

    2) if your office informally closes early (like the Friday before Labor Day or on Christmas Eve Day, for example), senior managers need to get their butts out of the office. At places where I’ve worked, no one will leave until management is gone. There always seemed to be one oblivious manager that thought “hey, nice quiet office, I’ll just catch up on a few things” while everyone on the floor was waiting for him to leave so that they could go home!

    1. Dr Wizard, PhD*

      Regarding your #2, I remember a previous job where the expectation was that the most senior person in the building that day was the one who had to give the word to let people go home for that informal closure.

      Leading to a very funny/awkward moment one year where said most senior person was a newly promoted manager who had no idea. Eventually someone experienced was deputised to discreetly let her know that everyone was waiting on her to let them know to head out.

  107. Adverb*

    I would say to reflect on your words and actions to see that you are leading when appropriate as opposed to continuing to supervise or manage. As a Leader (capitalization intended):
    You need to demonstrate the behavior you want to see from your teams- Lead by example.
    You need to ensure you treat everyone equally.Really, 100% equally. All the time.
    You need to ensure your team has opportunities- for growth, for advancement, for interesting projects.
    You need to know enough about everyone that you can have a comfortable conversation with them whether it is 2 minutes in an elevator, or 30 minutes in a car to/from the airport/event/etc.
    You need to actually care. (People can tell very quickly when you fake it.)
    You need to be available, approachable and encourage people to consult you.
    You need to be willing to (figuratively or literally) roll up your sleeves. Many leaders have no idea how alienating it is when they refuse or how much goodwill is earned when you really can help- Lean in! (A year ago I would have rolled my eyes at this phrase, but I get it 100% now)
    You need to be willing to let others take charge when they are the expert, regardless of title or tenure.
    You need to think before you act or enact. How could this be interpreted? Ho w would I have reacted to this 2/5/10 years ago? Why are we really doing this?
    You need to be real.

  108. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Think back to being a junior employee: what did you respect in your higher ups? What signaled that they walked the walk and that they respected you? Do that.

    -Actively watch your peers for behaviors to model like you did with your VP. In fact, grab lunch with her and ask her this question if you possibly can.
    -Watch your work/life balance. No one is going to feel comfortable using their vacation time if you don’t use yours. If you answer texts/emails/phone calls past a certain hour, other people will feel pressured to do the same.
    -Speak up for those who might not feel comfortable doing so themselves. Have brief (one or two sentence) matter of fact pushbacks ready when you hear casual racism/sexism/body or diet shaming/etc. “I’m not comfortable with talking about so-and-so like that.” “So-and-so uses [pronouns]”, “Can we consider doing [more inclusive activity than an all-company triathlon] so more people can participate?” If you notice something is a pattern/more pervasive than a one-off and you can do something about it, do it.
    – Active listening. Be present in conversations, show you’re paying attention via body language, avoid interrupting, and paraphrase back what the person told you to ensure understanding. Use your judgment to avoid letting anyone become a time sink, but think about how many letters you’ve read on AAM that could have been avoided if the right person had listened to a 2 minute conversation.
    -Speaking of past letters, revisit the “Wait, What?” and “Jerks” sections. Don’t do that. Any of it. Since you cared enough to write this, I’m betting those behaviors won’t be hard to avoid.

  109. ldub*

    Don’t complain about money or anything finance related unless you are VERY sure you’re in the company of people who are paid at a comparable level to you. Whether it’s true or not, you’ll be seen as someone who is much more financially comfortable than everyone else, and it’s tacky to talk like that in front of people who make less than half of what you do.

    And I think you should still take cookies if you want (at the end of the day, when everyone else has had their pick.) That’s something that makes you delightfully human, and being human is something you should hold on to as a higher level leader.

  110. Not Mindy*

    I think that it’s great to have informal small group get-togethers with junior staff once a month or so. If there’s a cafeteria or a large break room, meet there. Have some coffee or something similar. Or do it on zoom with your camera on. Just chat. Get their feel for what is happening with the company.
    And find a way to randomly pick people for these meetings – don’t just ask the managers to choose, that’s a surefire way to only get a certain subset of employees.
    The meetings shouldn’t be mandatory, but they should be strongly encouraged. But at the meetings themselves, don’t force anyone to talk. Or to turn their cameras on. That can give you a lot of information, too! A “Buffy, do you have anything to add?” would be fine.
    (Can you tell this is a stream of though comment???)
    And find out how to pronounce everyone’s (preferred) name ahead of time, and if possible their preferred pronouns. There’s nothing wrong with having a few notes to refer to during the meeting – I don’t expect anyone to remember everything!

  111. JJ*

    Small thing to add… At company events, especially company parties, don’t huddle up with other managers and chitchat with them beyond a few quick greetings. It can be temptingly easy to stay in those conversations for long lengths of time because you know your management peers better and you get caught up in some interesting topic and next thing you know a ton of time has gone by. But instead, make a conscious decision to mingle with everyone you can below the management level. Everyone notices that their VP never spoke to them at the holiday party, or to anyone else at their level either.

  112. mreasy*

    Echoing the folks who have said give credit to junior team members. But adding in – even in seemingly small ways/arenas! I am a senior exec and often end up being the person who shares big news or new resources or completed projects. I try always to remember to mention all the key people who were part of it, whether it’s an email, a Slack, or a meeting. Even if it’s something minor, if anyone else contributed a lot, there is no downside to thanking them in a public forum.

  113. Former Young Lady*

    Recognize: now that you’re in a position of greater power, people will have a harder time telling you “no” than when you were their peer. This means you have to actively CONSIDER boundaries, because if you trample them, subordinates may not feel safe telling you.

    That means you don’t pressure the whole team to hang out with you socially — especially not on their own time or their own dime. You don’t make them a captive audience to stories about your personal life, especially when they’re busy. You don’t spam the team Slack channel with pictures from your wedding or your kid’s graduation or whatever else. You don’t hijack the all-hands meeting with “getting-to-know you” icebreakers when people have actual work to discuss.

    And when you sense morale is flagging, you ask your subordinates what they THINK is wrong — you do not TELL them how they feel, and you do not PENALIZE them for signs of stress, overwhelm, or burnout.

    Do not expect endless validation from your reports. Being in charge should be validation enough.

    1. sofar*

      Yes, this! I think people who move up quickly don’t realize that people under them don’t feel empowered to enforce boundaries.

      I think something as simple as making sure you don’t post in Slack channels outside working hours and on weekends. When you were more junior, sharing “and interesting article” in Slack on a Saturday morning hits different coming from a peer than it does from a leader. From a leader, it comes across as setting expectations that everyone is always “on,” and “checking in,” even if it’s just sharing something fun in the “breakroom” Slack channel.

    2. I Have RBF*

      Slack spam: At one place, we had a separate channel for pictures – vacations, honeymoons, etc, and one purely for pets. Go ahead and spam the pets ones with pictures of your pets. I think there was a channel for parenting, too, but I wasn’t in that one.

      At one place, the CISO (chief information security officer) was initially seen as unapproachable and distant. Then he got a corgi, and happily spammed the pets channel with pictures of his corgi. This was popular. Then he got engaged, and his fiance had a corgi, so we got to see pictures of both corgis. (I think they met at a dog park.) The wedding, that we also got pictures of, featured their corgis. It was absolutely adorable.

      The guy went from “the CISO that no one really knew” to “the CISO with the cute corgi”. The pictures of him playing with his dog absolutely humanized him, and he would chat with other pet people in the pets channel (puppy training, etc.)

  114. sam*

    As I move up, I often feel like the margin for error has decreased. I don’t really think it has though! Having a title or stature feels to me like pressure to live up to it/manage my reputation, but it seems to prompt others to give me the benefit of the doubt, along the lines of: I’ve earned my position, I know what I’m doing. So while psychologically it’s gotten harder for me to admit mistakes or ignorance or when I’ve made things harder for other people, socially I think it’s gotten easier and less costly to acknowledge that: Carnegie’s right that claiming blame earns a lot of appreciation, and with seniority comes a more established reputation that doesn’t get linked with a particular mistake. So I’d say to be aware of the push and pull you might experience around that and lean into not worrying about admitting mistakes.

  115. Corinne*

    My name is frequently misspelled– everyone I’ve ever met with this name* spells it the way I do (Corinne) but we consistently get people spelling it a different way (Corrine). I don’t hold it against people for misspelling it, since if I did that I’d need to hold things against my elderly relatives. But I do remember the one boss I had who spelled it correctly every single time.

    Similarly, I also think very fondly of high level employees who politely correct others if they’re pronouncing someone’s name wrong.

    *I know there are likely Corrines out there! I’ve just never met one, while I’ve met 6 or 7 Corinnes in the course of my life.

    1. Corinne*

      And also, since typoes happen to all of us– I also remember when people take the time to reply to their own email to correct their spelling. Not as a big deal, just “Sorry, Corinne, my fingers have a mind of their own” or some other polite excuse to acknowledge that they misspelled it is more than I get from 99% of people who email with me, and it’s greatly appreciated from higher-ups.

      1. Not Mindy*

        Someone just apologized for using the wrong name to refer to me in a support ticket. I joked it off by saying “as my grandfather said, you can call me anything you want, as long as you don’t call me late for dinner.” But I really did appreciate the note from her.

  116. spcepickle*

    If you are talking to other “higher ups” and someone who reports to you is near by always make sure to introduce them and say something positive. Also give your team as much credit as possible. In my line of work we get industry awards, I always apply for them and make sure as many people as possible can attend the awards ceremony and get formally recognized.

    I don’t know how big your team is, but if you can know everyone’s name and always greet them when you see them. It is disheartening when a “big boss” walks by in the hallway and ignores you. Even if you don’t know their name saying hello is important.

    Don’t have favorites! You will of course, and of course you should interact with people differently based on what they need / prefer. But work really hard to see everyone on your team and give as many opportunities to as many people as possible.

  117. JBW*

    We had a one-year anniversary celebration for our vice president, the head of our department. She thanked us and proceeded to talk about herself and what a challenging but fulfilling year it had been for her. She never said anything about her us. I thought it was a huge opportunity—she could have turned the whole thing around and made the celebration about the department instead of her. Lost so much respect for her.

  118. SpaceySteph*

    One major peeve from my previous role is that we did these elaborate potlucks (I’m talking like nacho bar, breakfasts, etc) and the managers would always sign up to bring a bag of cheese or napkins or some other easy, cheap, store bought thing and leave the expensive and labor intensive things like mains to the worker bees. No this is now how its supposed to be.

    Honestly leaders should probably discourage potlucks anyway, but if you have a potluck culture that you can’t conquer, then higher-ups need to be signing up for something substantial. Let someone making half your salary bring a $3 bag of chips.

    1. Lily Potter*

      This happened at a previous office ALL THE TIME.

      SpaceySteph and I are not saying that senior managers need to sign up for a complicated dish. Frankly, I’ve never met a senior manager that baked or was a particularly good cook; their time is probably more scarce than their money.

      So if you’re a senior manager and you’re going to go through the chow line, don’t be cheap. Don’t sign up for chips and then pick up a bag of Doritos at the gas station on your drive in. Bring chips + salsa + guac. Buy the high end “good chips” (no cheap-ass rolls!!) and buy plenty of it.

      People pay attention to such things and the optics matter!

  119. Tree*

    hmmm, depends on your workplace norms. One guy I worked with (same part grade as the manager we both reported to) got everyone who worked on his projects a nice pair of socks every winter. If you worked late or on the weekend, he got you lunch.

    another (boss this time) made sure to announce “meet at 11:15 for carpooling”, made sure the newest employees got a place with a good driver, and either took the last spot or filled his car with riders last.

    Sometimes new folks don’t feel comfortable asking things of more senior tenured folks. so set up a get to know you coffee with new team members. And if you get coffee with your work bestie every day, at some point you need to consider if you should invite the rest of your team (one at a time) sometimes. And pay for the intern’s lunch! Interns are especially unlikely to be comfortable talking to people with more years or higher titles.

    Yeah you should be bringing in treats occasionally.

    on the negative side, had a team with people on 2 different pay/bonus plans. it was normal to discuss either “we deserved more” or “wow I’m gonna get X”, but some folks with the better plan would talk about it a *lot* in front of the people on the worse plan.

    after hours lab work needed 2 people in the building for safety: the tech who had to do the work and someone for company. most folks took a turn when they were available. we noticed who didn’t even offer or check their schedule.

  120. Cupcake*

    Be the first to say “hello” and “good morning” when you encounter staff lower than you on the org chart when you see them in the breakroom or hallways. Bonus points if you remember to say their name. I was an admin assistant with an early start time. The head of a different department and I often arrived to work at the same time. She never said hello or good morning and I felt like she just couldn’t be bothered. This was not a large organization, so it was especially strange to me that she would not do this basic courtesy.

    1. I Have RBF*

      Even if you don’t know the person’s name, still greet them. A polite good morning costs nothing. At that hour, I’m on autopilot, and my autopilot reacts to another person with a pleasant “Good morning”, even though at that hour I often don’t know WTF I’m even doing.

      It’s the little greeting rituals that are often very conspicuous by their absence.

  121. hmbalison*

    Offer support and intervene when necessary to help your staff solve roadblocks that may impact their daily work–for example, if a staff member needs to replace their broken laptop and they are getting the runaround, you contact the IT equipment manager to help figure out how to get the issue resolved.

    Be a good listener.

  122. TrixieJeep*

    Be ready to admit, “I don’t know.” I think having senior leaders who pretend to know everything is so counter-productive. Of course, “I don’t know.” should always be followed up with, “But I’ll find an answer for you/us.”. Admit your human!

  123. B’Elanna Torres*

    If you can — not every time, but occasionally— pick up the tab at happy hour.

    When there is a collection for charity, funeral flowers, etc., find out how much other staff are donating and donate the same amount or slightly more. There was a charity drive at my work last holiday season, everyone donated $50-$100 each except my boss, who donated $12. I will NEVER forget that.

    Years ago, the chief of staff of a large government agency helped me dig my retainer out of the trash. He was so gracious about it. I will never forget that.

  124. MapleMobile*

    1. Model your behaviours: If you want people to be a certain way, then you need to model your behaviours. There is nothing worse than a manager/leader who holds the rank and file workers to a higher standard than themselves.
    2. Show up: I had a manager who came in to work at around 10 am and then was out the door at 4 pm. He worked remotely starting at 5:30 AM to get caught up with his email, and often worked late into the night on projects,but none of the staff ever saw it. All they saw was someone getting paid twice as much as them and working fewer hours.
    3. know what you don’t know: One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone who can’t do my job tells me how to do my job. Or gives me bad unsolicited advice for a situation that they themselves could not get out of. Stay in your lane!
    4. Leadership Speak: Everyone can see through your leadership speak…the best leaders I have worked with have used plain language and have actually answered people’s questions. If you don’t know the answer to something, tell us! If you can’t tell us about something that’s okay, we get it, but don’t give us a vague leadership speech to avoid telling us what is going on. This also applies to meetings. If you have a half hour meeting with us and say nothing but jargon and vague platitudes we will walk away from that meeting grumbling about how much of waste of time it was…

  125. Jonathan MacKay*

    Honestly, I would say watch Undercover Boss with a notepad and keep track of everything those executives end up doing at the end of the show – You’d probably end up with as many bad ideas as good ones though, as management is not one size fits all.

    And actually, that’s probably the soundest thing to say about being an executive – people are people, and what works well for one cannot be assumed to work well for all. Taking the time to assess and adapt will probably lead to great dividends for the time investment.

  126. Nightengale*

    Keep an eye out on newer/jr coworkers even if you don’t directly manage them. Do they know how reimbursement works? Do they know where the refill tea is kept if the break room is out and people are permitted to refill it themselves? Do they know how to message the specific helpful IT person for the special software directly if that is permitted?

    Not to hover or infodump but if you see someone looking confused or doing things in a work-around kind of way, dropping a brief piece of information is often very appreciated. Often they don’t know what they don’t know!

  127. Claire*

    Help junior staff understand workplace culture and social expectations:
    Be clear on dress code : “This conference is more formal than the last one. I plan on wearing a suit jacket and slacks”
    Be explicit on what is okay for travel: “The company will cover all your travel expenses for this trip: mileage, flight, hotel and meals while travelling.”
    Be clear on office norms: “Most people don’t mind you dropping into their office but always email Big Boss’ assistant to schedule a time if you need something from her”
    Be clear on communication expectations: “Emojis and slang are totes fine internally but with clients, we always use full sentences and punctuation.”

    A lot of the stuff that now seems obvious to you is not obvious to new people.

  128. Sled dog mama*

    Sign every birthday/congratulation/condolance/get well card like you like the person. People notice.
    Get to know the housekeeping staff (if you have regular staff) and be respectful of their time and intelligence.
    Do your best to learn names not as easily done as said but most people will respect you for trying.

  129. Cupcake*

    Take yourself out of the running to win prizes at work. Morale boosters like $5 or $10 gift cards don’t matter much to most people, but when the higher-ups win the raffle prizes, the goal is not achieved. Take yourself out of the raffle, let the support staff and individual contributors win. Let the prizes do what they are supposed to do: bring good feelings to your team. Why have employees feel resentment over something small?

  130. IT Manager*

    I’m pretty senior these days and what I see in my mentors and try to adopt is a sense of ownership and stewardship.

    So for example:

    – expenses. Not whatever you can get (cookies!) but is it a good and intended use of the cost?

    – people. Who is struggling or sitting alone in a meeting? Can you help with morale and retention even if they don’t report to you?

    – ideation and strategy. You know this place better than almost anyone. What ideas do you have that could make it better or more effective?

    – gossip. Obviously don’t participate in the gossip but can you go further and help tone it down, or provide management perspective if ppl are misunderstanding things or don’t have all the context?

    – help enforce and change cultural standards. If your colleague is dominating a meeting, speak up to help someone’s idea be heard. If leaders are planning an all hands, advocate for veg/vegan to be included in the menu.

  131. The Engineer*

    As you become more senior and have more layers of management between you and the most junior employees, I think it shows great leadership to let those managing under you actually *manage*. Can’t tell you how disheartening it is to develop a great relationship with your primary boss only to find out they have functionally little power to help you complete your goals, grow, or get you recognition in a way that is meaningful to you.

  132. Charlotte Lucas*

    I still very fondly remember the second in command at a job who would regularly do rounds and greet everyone in the office. This was about 2000 people in 3 buildings. He also made sure to come in and welcome trainees in class.

    And the VP of the division I trained in once happened to be around when I was giving an after-hours tour to some new part-time staff. He gave them a very nice off-the-cuff speech welcoming them and telling them how important the work they would be doing was. You can bet the still remember that and how gracious he was years later.

    Feeling seen is so important to people.

  135. Ripple*

    Accept gifts from your team graciously even if you do not want/like the item. While gifting upwards is not recommended, some companies and teams do have a culture of giving bosses gifts and a leader should share a heartfelt thanks with the team and not complain about the item then or afterwards. That kind of stuff does get back to the team and causes hurt feeling and terrible moral.

  136. Kivrin*

    I just got off a zoom call with a senior leader who was driving his high end tesla and was driving with his camera on, frequently look at the phone. Don’t do that.

  137. Daphne*

    Given the wine drama in the answer to LW4 in this morning’s 5 questions–in the event that someone brings you a gift, just accept it graciously. This is assuming it’s a low stakes item that wouldn’t cause any ethical concerns, like a bottle of wine or nice soap, not Taylor Swift or Super Bowl tickets. If it’s similar to the latter, learn how to decline gifts graciously.

  138. Person from the Resume*

    Don’t ask them to do anything you wouldn’t do. That doesn’t mean you should do low-level things (for the sake of being equal) since your time could be better spent on higher level tasks. But just consider if you would be okay doing the task or work or would you be bothered and put out by it.

  139. RLC*

    Greet ALL staff with a cheery “hello, good to see you” even if you don’t remember their name. Pleasantries and acknowledgement go a long way to support morale.
    What NOT to do: once had Chief of agency (think Washington DC inside the beltway HQ level) approach one of our admin staff during a “meet the field staff” tour event and jokingly refuse to shake her hand. Most definitely not appropriate “humor”, our opinion of agency head plummeted.

  140. HDL*

    I don’t have any advice to add here, but I love this thoughtful question so much. I wish other organizational leaders would engage in this kind of reflection. Maybe if they did, Alison would not have to respond to so many folks about the awful ways in which their bosses disrespect them. Thank you LW for refreshing my faith in humanity.

  141. Ann O'Nemity*

    Say “we” instead of “I” more often when talking about team successes. “We beat this quarter’s sales targets” is a good example of sharing credit.

    Say “I” instead of “we” more often when delivering negative news and/or accepting responsibility. “I missed the deadline for submitting the financials” accepts blame.

  142. MicroManagered*

    Like, maybe I shouldn’t stuff my purse full of cookies from the break room anymore, because while that was fine when I was a junior staffer, maybe it looks bad for a senior leader? (The cookies used to be for me, but now they’re for my kids.)

    You probably shouldn’t be stuffing your purse full of cookies from the break room, ever. Stuff like that is meant to take one snack and leave some for others.

  143. Suzy Now*

    So much great advice here. I just want to mention that you don’t want to abruptly change all your behaviors, and if your official title isn’t super high you should be careful about how much you take on the behaviors of a known leader. Do you know the concept of noblesse oblige? Its the idea that people of higher status have a responsibility to help those below them. It’s a very nice thought, but I have one friend who operates from that principle in a way that is actually obnoxious, because he gives off the aura of assuming that he is the “Noble” in any interaction. Sometimes it comes off as condescending. You don’t want people thinking you suddenly got a big head because you start overly thanking people or making a point of publically praising them.

  145. SBT*

    Good/bad I’ve seen:
    1) I had a CEO who would trade his first class seat with an employee if he happened to find himself on the same flight with them. I think this is above and beyond a “nicety” and would never be expected, but especially for a shorter flight where maybe you don’t mind – it was a super nice gesture and for employees who got the benefit of it – most had never flown first class in their lives, so it was cool.

    2) At a nonprofit I worked at, the senior leadership team meet weekly and ALWAYS had a catered lunch or breakfast brought in, sometimes both. It was such a bad look to everyone else in the office that the six highest paid people in the org were always getting this additional perk. So I’d say really just pay attention to optics – think to yourself, “how will this look and feel to my junior employees?”

  146. Anne Shirley Blythe*

    Be mindful when talking about things that may cost a lot of money, but is affordable to you–kitchen remodeling, overseas vacation, new car. If recommending a product or service, consider that saying something like “It’s only $500” may land differently with others. If this isn’t an issue, kudos to you!

    If you are allowed to be more flexible (schedule-wise) than juniors, don’t take it to the extreme.

    1. pally*

      This! This! This!

      It really burns when, after we got our annual raises, C-suite folks would talk about re-doing their bathrooms (at home) or buying a new car. My big “spend” was 4 new tires for my little pick-up truck. While I like having new tires, it won’t ever compare with a new car or a new bathroom. Kinda made me feel like a loser.

      Maybe brag elsewhere.

  147. June*

    Obviously this depends on the comfort level of the leader, but the head of my department once told me that whenever we had a new employee join the team, she tried to find a way to casually mention her wife in one of their early conversations, especially in a group setting. I actually remembered this from when I started myself and was impressed it was intentional. It was a small thing, but as a queer person who had been closeted in previous workplaces, it was incredibly welcoming and reassuring to have a senior leader demonstrating that this was a workplace where it was safe to be out.

    1. I Have RBF*

      This.

      One director I had would mention his husband, so was just casually out. There were other things I disagreed with him on, but it meant something to me that he made it okay to be casually out and accepted in the org.

  148. Good Librations*

    I haven’t seen this one yet, but I’ve always appreciated when the most senior person at a table orders first during a work lunch/dinner/interview, etc at a restaurant. This seems to be understood as good interview protocol, but it’s also really helpful during other instances to model the expectations around food and drink options for everyone else.

    1. Anonymatron*

      Right. There’s nothing worse than being junior or the guest and wondering, “Is everyone getting salad? Should I just get a main? Are we sharing apps?”

      I would add: Don’t choose a shared-small-plates restaurant for a work meal! It’s so awkward!

  149. Melissa*

    I had a boss who would joke about us taking our PTO – like “oh, you’re out next week, who approved that?” and I hated it. PTO is part of my compensation and the power imbalance between us made that comment inappropriate. So don’t do that! And I’d say even go in the reverse – make sure that they have the support they need to step away, mention it if someone hasn’t used their PTO in a while or if they’re going to hit a cap. That goes a long way to making staff feel like you’re actually looking out for that.

    1. Anonymatron*

      I was in a meeting once with someone senior who “joked” about someone junior being “the problem” because they were using their PTO the next week.

      I wasn’t senior in status but I was older than anyone else in the room. I got dead serious and said, “Nope. We do not disparage people for using the PTO that they have earned.”

    2. Religious Nutter*

      Our CEO likes to joke that people are “Milking” their birthdays if they take PTO on their birthday or a vacation that coincides with it. He thinks he’s being funny, and I cringe every time. They earned those days off! You didn’t give them extra time off for their birthday!

  150. SometimesMaybe*

    I know this may seem odd but, have your work space decorated or at least give the impression of permanence. I once had a boss who had nothing in his office, no photos framed diploma, files/paper on his desk, nothing. It seemed like he was always on his first or last day. So while too many tchotchkes or unpolished personal items are not a good look either, maybe having some framed art, awards, a photo of kids, an air purifiers, etc, would establish an air of confidence you hold in the company and them in you.

  151. Scintillating Water*

    Thinking about things that show grace and caring, rather than work-related management…
    1. At social events, actively including lower-level people in your conversations (as appropriate). I work in academia, and there’s a huge difference between the faculty who bring staff into the little conversation circles (“Yiliu! We were just talking about our summers, how was yours?”) and the ones who actively use their body language (turning away, closing the circle) to shut staff out. (Not talking about work conversations, but things like receptions and social lunches, when people are obviously making small talk.)

    2. I appreciated the occasional friendly Slack/Teams message when I was an assistant. Especially work-related things: “Wow, Dr. Jones’s email was really something, huh? Thanks for handling that” or “That was a great comment at the meeting about the Butterfly project” or even “Did you see Prof. Thanh’s comment on the document? Hilarious, right? She’s got a great sense of humor.” It really helped me get a sense of the team’s culture and feel included in the work, especially since I was coming from a much more formal institution.

  152. Glad to Be Retired*

    I worked at a small company where the owner would leave a few hours early twice a week to go to horseback riding, no matter how busy the office was. Tip #1: Be available when your team is working to deadline. Tip #2: Don’t talk about your “elite” personal activities with people who can’t even afford public transit. This same owner, when gifts would arrive from suppliers, would immediately stash them away in their office to take home for family/friends/their own parties. Tip #3: Never partake of supplier gifts especially when they are meant for the entire office. At minimum, share them with everybody. Finally, this same owner would schedule client meetings over lunch and order in food for the client and themselves, but not for the junior employees in the meeting. Tip #4: Consider all members of the team and treat them as human beings that might also be hungry when working through lunch.

    1. Anonymous cat*

      Would they sit there eating in front of the junior staff? Did no one push back on eating in front of them?

  153. Swivel Servant*

    Here’s a tiny gesture like the OP’s example.

    If you’re at a work social event with a prize draw or draws, if your name is called and you win, whether the prize is small or large, decline it and ask that it be put back into the prize pool. If there were numbered tickets given to everyone, just don’t acknowledge you’ve got the winner and, after a pregnant pause, the emcee will redraw, and you get to remain anonymous.

    Better yet, ask organizers in advance to exclude senior folks from any draw.

    (Just retired, still reading)

  154. DMLOKC*

    When you come to town or visit the remote office, be sure to walk through and at least say hello to the room. I remember all of us hating that the bosses (at various levels) would come in, meet with their peers, then leave. Hello? We’re here doing the dirty work. We may be lower level, but don’t we get a hello?

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      Oh this for sure! I used to work at a large company and every.single.day the CEO would come in and walk by my entire department and not say a word to anyone. Same thing when he left for the day.
      He was a jerk anyway, but this sure was part of it

  155. bamcheeks*

    Manage casual conversational topics, clearly signal one or two “this is my thing” topics.

    It is naturally a little bit awkward making small talk with someone senior to you, and not knowing quite what the conversational boundaries are. It really helps smooth things if you manager signals a few straightforward topics that everyone can pick up on: “how’s the allotment / puppy / amateur dramatics / perfume-making going?” Even better if you can make a point of remembering what the other staff’s Thing is.

    And similarly, if you are closer or more intimate with other senior staff, be mindful about small talking with them in front of more junior staff without including them. It’s really awkward when two senior managers have a, “how was your holiday?” “Oh mostly good, but that thing with Bob is still ongoing, unfortunately” and you don’t know if this is something you’re supposed to come in on or pretend yoh didn’t hear!

  156. 75 from the neck up*

    I love that you are asking this question, LW – kudos.

    Give more of the credit when things go well and more of the blame when they don’t. And along those lines, when you do something that is awesome, stay silent and keep working. But when someone junior to you does something awesome, call it out.

    When giving feedback, be specific. ‘Great job on X.’ is fine, but ‘Great job on X – I really appreciate your approach on Y because of the affect it has on the customer experience, etc.’ is better. You cared enough to notice past the surface-level stuff and then further cared enough to tell them. But only give positive feedback that is legit – don’t blow smoke. People see through that in a heartbeat, and it can undermine a leader’s influence.

    Others have said similar things, but vent UP – never to those junior to you… and only vent sideways (if ever) to an org chart equivalent colleague when you are truly sure of their character. If you need to vent, talk to someone more senior than you.

    It will cost $50, but I recommend the 5 voices assessment ($49 for the full report) as a good mirror-tool to help you see what it’s like to be on the other side of you in a team environment/as a leader. I have no skin in this game to shout them out – I just really like the tools that GiANT Leadership uses. (5voices.com) Self-awareness is a gift. It often sucks in the moment, but very worth it in the end.

  157. Red5*

    When someone expresses gratitude for or compliments a product or work outcome, I always, ALWAYS credit my team.

  158. a clockwork lemon*

    I handle the bulk of management reporting for my department and am the main point of contact for cross-divisional initiatives and my current boss does something I’ve never experienced working with anyone else: every time we have a 1:1 (either scheduled or informal) he makes a point to ask me if I feel like I’m learning things in my role and if I feel like my professional development is being supported by the seniors in our department.

    I love being able to speak honestly about what stuff I’m struggling with, and I love more that these conversations have resulted in him just quietly shifting my workload around so I’m starting to get a lot of hands-on management experience so I will be equipped to move up in the company. He’s open with me about what he can and can’t change, and when bonus time rolled around he had the biggest shit-eating grin ever when he told me he was giving me both a raise AND an extra bonus allocation. I had no idea it was coming, but all those random check-ins gave him a ton of insight into all the work I was doing and he was able to make sure I was appropriately compensated because of it.

  159. Anonymous cat*

    This is describing myself but I think is valid:

    I’m not the boss, so when a new person was hired, I would discreetly tell them the info everyone wants to know but can’t ask, such as what the boss is really like to work for, how often we have to work late, can we take our vacations without pushback, etc. I sometimes went to lunch with them the first or second day, partially to be friendly, partially to be away from the office if they wanted to ask me anything.

    (In this case, the boss was focused about work but laidback about everything else and pretty easy to work for. So this wasn’t badmouthing anyone.)

  160. Sparkles McFadden*

    You’re already off to a good start by recognizing the VP’s actions. Some people in charge never realize they are being clods who feel entitled to everything, and many people *want* to be in charge because they aspire to be entitled clods. Maybe you can ask that VP for some mentoring in this area for your specific workplace. Anyway, here my list (Sorry, it’ll be long):

    – Don’t complain about your workload. You’re making more money and have more flexibility in a lot of ways, so don’t ever say crap like “You have no idea what a huge workload is like” to anyone.

    – Don’t demand (or even expect) gratitude from staff for doing something that’s part of your job, like OKing a vacation request or approving a raise. The bosses I remember with no degree of fondness were the ones who would start out a sentence with “After all I’ve done for you…” when I’d try to advocate for myself.

    – Many people act as if the staff exists to do the bidding of management. Technically, that may be true, but I’ve always looked at it this way: The business needs managers to organize everything and remove obstacles so the people producing the work have everything they need to get the job done. I think having that mindset makes a difference in how you deal with staff.

    – Be an advocate where you can. Look around and see if there are things that will make life better for everyone. Do you have decent vacation and sick leave policies? Work from home policies that make sense? Tuition reimbursement? Training for staff? Privacy rooms? Pumping rooms?

    – Don’t talk about your luxury vacation or your new car in detail to people who make a fraction of what you do.

    – Give credit where credit is due, and not just in your own silo. When my group would work on project with other departments, I’d send an email to the manager of anyone who was particularly helpful and outline what that person did to make the project successful. We’re quick to say “Fergus was late with everything” but not so quick to say “Fergus did a great job doing QA and making a bug list for us.”

    – If someone needs to be corrected, do it quickly and privately. Don’t wait months and let it pop up in a review, and don’t call it out in the middle of a meeting.

    – Upper management needs to communicate clearly and honestly. Don’t assume everyone knows why you decided to make a change that adds 12 steps to the procedure used to buy anything over $15. A statement as simple as “We know this means more work by this will help us in the case of future audits” makes it tolerable. This acknowledges that you know it’s annoying while explaining why it has to happen. That’s so much better than “That’s the new policy so why are you arguing about it?”

    – Listen when people talk and don’t just wait until you can break in. Remember there *is* a power imbalance even if you don’t feel there is one. This means people may be reluctant to approach you about things or they may just tell you what they think you want to hear. Be aware that this is the mindset when you ask something a simple as “What do you think?” so you really do have to pay more attention than you’re used to.

    – Definitely let lower level people get first crack at any food! If some vendor sends you a giant box of treats at the end of the year, I’m sorry but you need to put that out for everyone with an email of thanks saying “This vendor thinks we did a great job this year so thank you for making us look good.” Yeah, I really wanted to keep the big basket of Godiva chocolates but I was just the person the vendor knew. It wasn’t a gift for me, personally. You can take a cookie from the breakroom every so often, but no stuff for the kids at home! I am sure people will disagree with this, but with great power comes the responsibility to go buy your own snacks.

    1. Religious Nutter*

      “Don’t talk about your luxury vacation or your new car in detail to people who make a fraction of what you do.”

      Our CEO does this all the time, and it’s incredibly grating. He thinks he’s being funny, but it just comes across as elitist and out-of-touch.

  161. Lily Potter*

    Thought of another thing. If your office has regular happy hours, attend them on occasion. Not every week; I’m thinking attend maybe one out of four times? Stay until 7 pm, pick up the tab generated to that point if it’s a reasonable amount, and then get out of Dodge.

    Seeing a boss at happy hour on occasion humanizes them and people will remember if you pick up the tab. Leaving early lets everyone have a little hair-down time once the boss is gone.

    All of the above applies even if you were once friends with the people you manage. Once you’re the boss, you don’t get to stay at the bar until closing time any more.

    1. Former Young Lady*

      This is a really good point. Teams need to be allowed to talk without constant oversight from the boss. Bosses who can’t tolerate that, tend to be awful bosses.

  162. Anonymous Commuter*

    I live in a city that has fairly harsh winters. One day during my first winter at my workplace the Director and Associate Director of my department sent out emails within two minutes of each other, both announcing that they were heading home hours early to avoid a dangerous commute. No word on whether the rest of us were free to go or required to stay, no word on whether we needed to remain open to the public until the end of the day, and no sense of what the consequences would be if we made these decisions ourselves. It was really demoralizing.

    Now that I’m in a more senior role in the same department, I make sure to communicate early and clearly with my team in situations like this. My own simple commute and a reliable team means that I can usually just encourage them to stay home or leave early, based on their own best judgment.

  163. 3dognight*

    Simon Sinek has some great YouTube videos on this. Why Leaders Eat last is one. (He has books, too, but most of his book content is covered in his videos). He also goes into the physical reactions of people when things happen in some of his videos. They’re generally fairly short, but are very interesting to watch.

  164. HonorBox*

    One of the best things I’ve ever heard is a story from someone who became the head of an organization right before a major event. He shared that he’d asked the staff what he could do, and was told that he just needed to be there. Everything else was covered. He realized that trash bins were full, so he took a golf cart and collected trash and changed bags in the bins. Someone on his team took a picture of him driving a golf cart loaded down with trash bags and the team presented it to him at a later date. They all appreciated that the boss would just jump in and take care of one of the worst tasks, and did it without drawing any attention to the fact that he did. He had that photo framed on his desk the entire time he was with the organization.

    Sometimes the best way to be a gracious leader is to take on a task like trash collection, or as @wantonseedstitch said above, set up/clean up. If you can do it in a way that doesn’t feel performative, but rather show that it is how you operate, you’re going to get a lot more buy in from your team, I think.

  165. Light Dancer*

    You’ve already taken the first step by recognizing that you should NOT steal cookies from the break room (seriously, OP?!), so here’s another suggestion for being a good manager.

    Recognize that “fundatory” team-building events are almost always going to engender more resentment than comraderie among your staff. Those events too often consist of activities that the MANAGER enjoys but which exclude staff members who can’t participate in them for physical or psychological reasons. People with physical limits and the neurodivergent are ALREADY given the cultural message that “You’re not REALLY one of us!” – they should NEVER get that message from their workplace!

    If you do want to hold a company event, try sending around a survey to find out what the staff would really enjoy and be sure that the answers are kept anonymous. You may find that most of your staff does NOT want a company-sponsored “social” event at all, and that’s okay! Most of all, remember that one or two yearly events do not make for a cohesive team back at the job; ensuring that all staff members are treated fairly, giving subordinates prompt CONSTRUCTIVE feedback and giveing credit where it’s due WILL help your staff to thrive – and the company along with them.

  166. 1.21 GigaWatts*

    Once, when I was a new leader in a new organization that was very public-interacting, I was visiting the bathroom before leaving for the day. This was not a staff-only bathroom, and its most frequent users were small children. While inside, I saw a rather unsavory situation on one of the toilets (not a full on explosion but…someone missed…) so I ran back down to our admin area and grabbed some cleaning supplies. I said to my colleague (who reported to me) “ugh, someone got poop on a toilet handle” and went to clean it up. When I came back down to replace the cleaning supplies, she said “Thank you for cleaning that up instead of just asking one of us to do it. I don’t think ‘previous boss’ ever did that.” I didn’t do it on purpose to gain favor with the team, but it unintentionally set a really positive tone to create a team of ‘doers,’ which had not been modeled by their previous leader.

    Recently, I was talking with another department head in my current org. A visitor had used one of the public restrooms and made a mess, and this department head cleaned it up without thinking. I said the same thing about cleaning up a really big mess recently (and I’m the head of my building). Our boss was nearby and said to both of us “You shouldn’t be doing that! Call the custodial staff!” and we both shrugged and just said it was something that needed to be done and couldn’t wait.

    All this to say, this other department head and I are very well-liked by our teams. Our retention rates are higher than other departments and our teams report higher satisfaction levels working for our org. Is it because she and I clean up messes every now and again? That’s probably not only it, but it’s one of those things. Employees appreciate seeing their boss get their hands dirty and do the tough stuff too.

  167. Been There*

    8 Simple Rules:
    1. Be visible – don’t hide in your office all day. Walk around and talk to people
    2. In obvious situations, be quick to say, “can I help you,” hold the door, carry a box, etc.
    3. Know everyone’s names. Know what they do.
    4. Make small talk that isn’t business related.
    5. At events, don’t isolate yourself with your peers. Never, ever tell someone lower on the ladder to go join their peers.
    6. If there’s something no one wants to do, be the first one to do it. Thinking of those ghastly karaoke nights….
    7. If physical labor needs to be done, and you’re able – roll up your sleeves and do it.
    8. For the love of God, don’t take the last cup of coffee and walk away without starting a new pot.

  168. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

    We know you get perks, but don’t complain about the price of gas when you have a company gas card and are reimbursed for mileage. Also, don’t be afraid to pitch in on the little jobs. At one workplace we had a snow removal service but that didn’t include our steps and sidewalks. Usually the first person in would shovel, sometimes it was the manager and they helped shovel and salt without a complaint. People do notice.

  169. LoV...*

    Talk to people and introduce yourself to them. I’ve found that people really like that, and if you’re a higher level person and you don’t talk to people, people make assumptions about why you did that.

  170. Pocket Mouse*

    Pay attention and do your best to make sure people’s life events are celebrated on equal footing. At my org a few years ago, we had two senior leaders leave at almost the exact same time. One was retiring, and the other was just… resigning. Contributions were solicited to purchase a gift for each of them. Never, ever had there been a collection for a gift to any other staff member who left for non-retirement, and it felt very much like a gift flowing upward for no discernible reason other than to avoid momentary awkwardness of only one of them receiving a gift even though there was a good reason for it. Separately, we had a baby boom a few years ago. Contributions were solicited for gifts, but each parent-to-be’s supervisor or closest work friend was in charge of soliciting, so the number/range of staff who received the solicitation varied based on that person’s decisions (immediate team vs. whole department) and therefore the gifts varied. As a senior members of the department, you have standing and capital available to elevate issues around unequal/disparate treatment like this and set some sort of standard practice.

    Also, do NOT utter a single word, ever, about your diet or body-related goals.

    1. Sunflower*

      I’ll never forget my first job as a student worker and the other two students got a Christmas gift from one of the upper person but I didn’t. It’s been decades so I don’t even remember the names and faces of anyone but I still remember the hurt.

      So I agree. Even if you’re closer to some more than others, gift giving should be treated equally.

  171. Anon-e-Mouse*

    I had an experience a number of years ago at the Fortune 100 company where I was a senior vice president (one level below managing director). I made a practice of attending several of the affinity group events, even those that weren’t my representative of my demographic (when the event was open to everyone).

    One of my newish hires came to me after he’d attended a couple of the LGBTQ2+ meetings. He told me that he appreciated my attendance at the events, especially because I was SVP-level and was there as an ally. He also mentioned that as far as he could tell, I was the only non-LGBTQ2+ person at my level or higher at those events.

    I took the hint and spoke to the Global Head of my Division and encouraged him to recommend to his MDs and SVPs that they make an effort to ensure representation at these events when appropriate.

    So, if there are DEI-affinity networking events at your company and they are open to people who do not belong to that group (e.g. an LGBTQ2+ group that has some events open to everyone), attend the events regularly (if not always) where practicable – as an ally and without making it all about you. And if there is limited attendance from senior leadership, follow up with senior leaders you know and encourage them to attend.

  172. Magdalena*

    Whatever your gesture, be as inobtrusive and matter of fact as possible. Avoid making a huge deal about how generous or modest you’re being.

  173. Skippy*

    Lighter: Corollary to the last-to-eat rule, choose last or forego swag/leftovers/outside gifts, and leave the nicest for lower level staff. Ignore the gift baskets from vendors at the holidays.

    More serious: When you’re praising staff, make sure you understand the context. It’s really easy to praise the work of the person who looks on the surface to have done something, but understand enough about the group dynamics to know whether that’s the suck-up who has positioned themselves to take credit from someone else.

    1. I Have RBF*

      Even as an IC, if I was the only one who could get time to go to a conference, I would make sure to try to get swag for my team. I wasn’t a lead, but it was important to me that my teammates benefited a little bit too.

      Also, if you travel for work to a nice destination, include your subordinates on your souvenir list, even if it’s just a box of local candy/baked goods to share.

  174. Anonymouse*

    Let others speak first if asking for feedback or new ideas but be open that other people have a different insight or ideas. often times I find that my teams collective ideas are far superior than what I come up with on my own. people also tend to adopt change if they feel like they helped shape it and or at the very least understand the why. Give real time feedback and offer praise often and genuinely. admit when you are wrong or don’t have an answer

  175. Abogado Avocado*

    It probably sounds nuts, but thank people — even if it’s “just” a regular meeting — at the end of interactions. A senior attorney taught me this by example. He would say thank you to the judge and the court reporter and even the lawyers on the other side at the end of every meeting. Once, we had a case together and, at the end of a court hearing, I had to run to another court and the senior attorney called me up later to thank me for attending court with him. Necessary? Absolutely not; we were both representing the same client. Appreciated? Certainly! Although I was the much junior attorney, I appreciated being appreciated. I try to follow his example every day by thanking those I work with.

  176. Sunflower*

    Please don’t praise too much that it becomes meaningless. We want problems addressed instead of hearing “you/they do a good job” just to get them off your back.

    Make sure people feel comfortable going to you even if the problems can’t be resolved but at least they know you’re listening. Defend for your own team instead of defending the other person/department when you get complaints that the “other guy” make the same mistakes over and over impacting your own team’s work. Ask the complainer for suggestion on how to fix things. Don’t say “they do a good job” or “well, they must be busy” etc.

  177. Productivity Pigeon*

    Remember your team members’ birthdays! You don’t need to get them anything or arrange a celebration, but a happy birthday means a lot.

    Leave company parties early so people can enjoy themselves!
    My big4 firm literally told everyone over a certain rank to leave at 10PM or something so that everyone else could have fun without their boss looking over their shoulders.

    And this is probably obvious, but DON’T get drunk.

  178. Jane Anonsten*

    I have had a few opportunities to fly on my company’s corporate jet, always with at least 1 member of executive leadership (if executives want to use the jet, the company makes an effort to make sure the jet is full so that it’s not just 1 or 2 people flying on a 15-person plane).

    Every single time once we are airborne, the most senior ranking person has walked to the galley in the back and pointed out to everyone where the snacks and drinks are located and make sure people know they are welcome to grab anything. My coworker flew once with our CEO and he was the one who pulled out the box lunches, read out what the options were, and offered to bring food to people (there were 1 or 2 other executives/leadership on the plane, but all the rest of the passengers were individual contributors who happened to be going to the same conference). The last time I flew on the jet was with an executive VP and she did the same. Another time, an executive offered to take a picture for someone who was trying to take a selfie so they could get more of the background.

    I really appreciate that the executives recognize that this is an out of the ordinary perk for most of us and go out of the way to make sure people feel at ease!

  179. Kate*

    I was really impressed hearing a vice chancellor speech where he took the time to refer to the security and cleaning staff by name

    Lots of senior leaders don’t notice the people in those roles

  180. Joyce to the World*

    If I report to you, please approve my PTO requests. You get an automated email notification. Don’t make me have to beg for something that is one of my benefits, or remind you multiple times. You get to take whatever time off you want and when you want it to take your trips abroad. I have 190 hours of PTO I have been trying to schedule and it is always a hassle.

  181. Doughnut Holschtein*

    Anything that involves prizes like a holiday giveaway or drawing should not have your name in it. A manager winning a TV or ipad does not endear them to the staff.

  182. Falling Acorns*

    I got an email this week from someone I met once three years ago. She had attended my virtual presentation and wanted to thank me for my work in promoting a key strategic initiative on the local level. With my job largely remote, it was nice to see that someone was indeed listening. More importantly she is a senior executive and copied my boss and the national leader of the initiative on the email. This will eventually help me at promotion time when I need to show how I contribute to the firm’s success.
    Applaud success and use your position to highlight people who might not be the best networkers.

  183. Productivity Pigeon*

    Be careful how you speak about junior employees with other people in management.

    In my first year as a management consultant, I was once in the VERY awkward position of being notetaker at a partner meeting where several partners brought up how lazy and unwilling to work ”my” generation was.

    I typed as quietly as I could and didn’t look at anyone.

  184. Not Molly*

    The best leaders I’ve worked with treat all successes as belonging to the team but all failures as their own. If things go wrong, they treat it as their failure to properly explain expectations or provide support. If something goes right, it’s all the incredible contributions of the team members.

  185. Productivity Pig*

    If you’re implementing an unpopular change, make a show out of embracing it.

    When my big4 firm implemented hot desking, the CEO made a point of choosing a terrible desk whenever he needed one. Usually one close to a corridor with his back to the stairs, the kind of desk NO ONE wanted. He said that because he rarely worked very long at his desk anyway, he didn’t want to take any of the better ones.

    I imagine he didn’t want it either, but very few people will complain if the CEO does his best to go along with the new system.

    1. Productivity Pigeon*

      Hahaha, I didn’t notice I’d messed up my username! I think I’ll stick to pigeon even though pig certainly is funnier!

    2. Sloanicota*

      I agree, often with very unpopular changes the management gives themselves the privilege of skipping it – they still get an office even if everyone else is in the open desk space, they still work remotely/take comp time even if everyone else is back in office, they get to come in late/leave early even if there’s a new initiative to log in on the dot. I get that you think you’re above that stuff at a certain level, but … you’re sending a terrible message to the little people when you do these things.

      2. Religious Nutter*

        Right, they’re work benefits. If you can do your job while enjoying those benefits, than a junior team member 3 levels down from you can ALSO do their job while enjoying those benefits. If you’re not going to abide by the return-to-work policy, then _don’t implement it_.

      3. I Have RBF*

        Seriously, if you implement any sort of RTO, you had better be visibly in the same office with your subordinates at the same time, because it will be noticed if you do not comply with the dictates that are imposed on your subordinates!

        Hypocrisy in the C-suite is always noticed and commented on, and commented on outside the company. I have lost track of the number of RTO mandates at other companies that I’ve heard about where management doesn’t RTO, but expects the peons to be “butts in seats”.

        Even when the change was simply shoving people out of cubes and into a cramped open plan, the managers all still got offices, just the peons were cheek to jowl with no privacy. The hypocrisy and inequality was noticed, and it made a lot of people resentful.

        If you implement a sucktastic work environment, don’t blow smoke up people’s asses by insisting it’s for “collaboration” and “togetherness” when it’s really to save money and you still have your nice office. You’d better hope your employees aren’t dumb enough to fall for that BS.

  186. DutchBlitzen*

    Stepping up for smaller tasks/cleaning up after yourself. One of the most impactful moments I’ve had was when I had a mundane task (stuffing envelopes for an event) that had become urgent due to shipping delays. I sent an email to the office saying pretty much, “Hey, I’m in the copy room doing this, if anyone has a few extra minutes to help I would appreciate it.” Our CEO came by between meetings and stuffed envelopes for 15 minutes. It was only 15 minutes of his time, but it meant way more for him to do that, than however many times he had said “we’re in this together”.

  187. The Ginger Ginger*

    We do monthly appreciation awards and cheers for peers exercises. The more senior in the org you become the more you should expect NOT to see your name nominated in something like that and the more YOU should be nominating the folks working on your projects. Extrapolating that – expect and request less public recognition for your own work and make sure your team(s) are getting the accolades they deserve.

    Of course, if your boss isn’t recognizing your work in 1x1s and reviews, that’s a problem. But public recognition should start skewing away from you.

  188. Coffee Please*

    Stay out of the gossip as much as possible with fellow employees and don’t feed into the negativity. Lead by example with a good attitude. Show up on time and don’t leave early so much that employees become resentful. Don’t complain too much!

  189. Queen77*

    Never, ever joke within your authority. Don’t joke about people getting fired, or the company being sold, or someone being “in trouble”. If you have the power to do or influence the thing you are joking about, it’s not funny.

    1. Lizzay*

      Or jokes that would be ok with work friends (those sliding up to the inappropriate line) – definitely hit differently when you’re in charge.

  190. Ellis Bell*

    Be warm and personable under pressure; if you’re having a stressful week, try to be as relaxed and even kiltered with people as possible. If you’re very junior it’s okay, even desirable, to look rushed off your feet and be a top to toe depiction of a frown. If you’re very senior, people feel like you’re unhappy with the team, or their results. I will always remember two co-leaders; one was a beam of sunshine and the other always in the eye of a storm. Even though the latter was very knowledgeable and thoughtful about staff well being, people were afraid to approach her and did their best to avoid her. If they were called into a meeting, they presumed the worst even if it was illogical. There was absolute consternation when Mr Sunshine announced he was leaving.

  191. Murphy*

    We had a raffle drawing at work (you got an entry by completing a a specific training on time, not by buying tickets), and our COO won. Immediately she declined and told them to draw again.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      THIS. Senior management should never enter those things anyway. Also, they should never be included in employee of the month competitions or other such things.

  192. Agent Diane*

    If you notice some classic mansplaining happening, do what you can to stop it. For example, if Jane has an idea in a meeting but it’s ignored until Joe repeats it? Say something like “I’m glad you’ve circled us back to what Jane said earlier, Joe. Jane ~ could you recap?”

    Hold lifts for someone running for it: you’re not Miranda from Devil Wears Prada.

    Bring in tubs of chocolates at Christmas (might be a Brit thing that but it was always management that paid for it).

    Leave the work socials early, after a light drink. You and your other senior leaders can always go to a different pub to carry on, but you shouldn’t be still out with the rest of the department at 1am.

    Tidy up after yourself in meeting rooms. Which does not mean taking all the cookies.

    1. Agent Diane*

      Oh, and if you are a woman in leadership, expect any men in leadership to also be gracious. I don’t want to sound like I ingested America Ferrara’s speech in Barbie here, but some of the suggestions above (like cleaning up a messy toilet) send a very different signal depending on how your gender presents. Senior women should not get all the sh*tty jobs to prove they’re not getting uppity.

  193. TheErstwhileLibrarian*

    I am so delighted that folks are asking this question. Here are my 25 cents:
    -Being a senior leader is not about your ego or accomplishments. It is about understanding the “big picture” ideas and successfully translating that to the people you manage, and their direct reports.
    -What you say and how you act has a huge impact on the day to day life of people in your department. Err on the side of kindness and compassion, even when you have to make hard choices or your own management is not treating you likewise.
    -Making an effort to remember people’s names and roles goes a long way.
    -Being a leader often means being first in line for the hard stuff, and last in line for the fun stuff.
    -Always, always, ALWAYS be generous in giving credit and praise.
    -Don’t shy away from hard conversations, especially if it’s performance or conduct related. Having them early, and framing them as a learning opportunity rather than a criticism can help prevent a lot of headaches later on.
    -You will not be perfect. Be transparent when you mess up, and kind to yourself.

  194. Heather*

    I notice when leaders know the name of custodial and janitorial staff and treat them as such. My company has a holiday party and all full time employees are invited to bring a partner for dinner, dancing, and an open bar. This includes transport and custodial staff and lawn maintenance. ALL full time staff are included.

  195. Semi-retired admin*

    I am assuming that your salary is a higher level than most of your department. Please, don’t complain about your finances! In a company where the head of the staff was making well over 50% more than the senior staff and 75% more than the junior staff, she was always complaining about how expensive her vet bills, groceries, kid’s school supplies, car insurance, airline tickets, (insert endless list here) and it was really tacky.

  196. Grumpus*

    One of the most offensive things I ever saw from leadership was in an overcrowded office.

    Rather than introducing hybrid working, or leasing more space, the three leaders decided to co-opt two of the three meetings rooms as their private offices. Not only did it make very little difference to the overcrowding in the office, but it removed valuable meeting space, and made it clear to all the staff that they were out for themselves.

    Prioritising your staff over yourself is generally a much better look.

    1. Donn*

      At a PastEmployer, whenever a certain executive visited Branch Office X, they always took the giant conference room as their guest office.

  197. echidnapurpurea*

    Be responsive and gracious when people reach out to you. Don’t mock them, even jokingly, when they ask a question you think is silly, and don’t leave them waiting for weeks for something they need you to take action/weigh in on.

    Advocate for professional development for more junior people, and take an active role in setting it up for them. In my current org we (junior employees) are expected to aggressively chase down the senior staff for training, even as they brush us off for weeks and months until all our social instincts scream “take the hint dude, they don’t want to train you”… and then when a promotion opens up we are passed over due to “lack of experience.” Not great, and very demoralizing.

    If your salary is much higher than others, please don’t go on and on about your expensive vacations/home renos.

  198. Not that Leia*

    Saying hi and talking to everyone, not just other senior people.
    Focusing on conversations at hand, not acting rushed or distracted.
    Doing setup/cleanup tasks at events or around the office, not just leaving a mess for others to clean up.
    Covering meals/drinks for more junior staff (assume this is all expensed but taking the lead on it still shows graciousness)

  199. LBD*

    Many years ago, I worked in fast food. I worked at the same place for several years, with a couple of changes of ownership/management.
    The unofficial rule for supervisors was that the most senior person on shift took care of nasty unexpected jobs (often washroom related incidents). Never assign a job that you won’t do yourself to the lowest level employee.
    One owner would clean out the grease trap himself, which was a horrible job, and could be outsourced to a separate company. It was typical of him that he would pitch in and do any job that needed to be done, and was, literally, very hands on.
    A different manager would regularly bail shortly before the usual after school rush, saying, “It’s slow, so I’m going to check out something at the hardware store”, leaving us short staffed. He wouldn’t respond to staff reports of issues, so we filled in customer comment cards. When the staff toilet handle broke and we had to flush the toilet by taking the tank lid off and lifting the flapper valve by the chain, he only repaired it because a public health inspector flagged it. An anonymous complaint by a staff member may or may not have been made after months of dealing with that.
    Worst was the time he repaired a heat lamp cord, finished up and said, “You can turn it back on now” to my coworker, who was shocked by it to the point that she couldn’t let go, and then flung across the room, all while I was running to grab a broom with a wooden handle to push her away from it.

  200. WyHalo*

    I think it’s important for senior team members and leadership to model the behaviors we want our more junior colleagues to emulate. It made a big impression on me early in my career when my dean (I’m in higher ed) helped put away chairs after a big event, and I always pitch in for set up/break down whenever I can. I’ve noticed that people will help when they see somebody senior to them help but will often walk away and let the support staff do everything if that’s what the bosses do.

    I also try to model good work-life balance, even when it’s challenging. Emails I write very early or late in the day are scheduled to send during “office hours.” I take sick time when I’m sick, rather than working from home because that’s what I want my reports to do for themselves. Finally, I strongly believe in valuing people’s time by getting to meetings on time and paying attention rather than answering emails or staring at your phone (work related or not) the whole time.

    I could go on and on, but will leave it there. I like this question a lot–I’ve learned so much by observing others or having people give me great advice.

    1. Lizzay*

      YES – modelling the work/life balance! Even when sr. people say they want their jrs to have that, when they’re little Teams light is always on green whenever you log on, that sends that subtle opposite message. Or the post-work hours emails. Etc.

      1. I Have RBF*

        My manager is very good about turning off his availability when he is out of office or away from his desk (he often goes to the data center to do stuff.) It makes a good example for the rest of us.

  201. Librarian*

    put yourself in the rotation for things like cleaning the staff break room refrigerator, even if it is gross and you never use it. if it is especially gross, you go first.

    buy the coffee (Starbucks run too much, buy a communal maker and the coffee for the break room)

    when there is something like a gift exchange, buy and wrap a few extra gifts, so when someone says “I can’t participate I didn’t bring anything” you tell them they can and there are gifts for everyone. same for potluck, you bring extras.

    stupid new training requirements? you go first, tell them all how it is and any tips to make it easier.

  202. Chauncy Gardener*

    For sure don’t go first in the food line or take food home for your kids. There are interns or lower level folks who probably REALLY need that food.
    Never complain about work, the company, your workload or your pay.
    Occasionally do a coffee or donut run for your team, on you.
    If you’re the senior person in a meeting, control it so everyone gets a chance to be heard
    If someone is being loud/inconsiderate in a shared office space, be the one to address it.
    If some stupid edict is coming down from on high, address it with senior management

  204. Destra N.*

    Anytime there’s a contest with a prize like a gift card or something tangible, I “forget” to participate.

    If we go out for drinks after work and I’m the most senior person there, I always pick up the tab. If people protest, I wave them off and tell them it’s clearly a team event and they should let the company pay for it. And yes I really do expense it, and I’ve never been declined, so it’s not coming out of my own pocket, but it’s not about flashing cash. They’re rarely expecting that, but I also feel like my presence shifts the dynamic – they’re not going to let their hair down to the same extent as if I wasn’t there, so it’s important to me to acknowledge that. Along those same lines, if junior employees are going out and invite me along, I might make an excuse about why I can’t go just so they have an opportunity to talk without a “boss” listening in. Which route I take strongly depends on the vibes and what I think the team needs in that moment.

  205. Lizzay*

    Generally, think back to senior people when you were younger and what they did/didn’t do that you admired/hated and do or don’t do, as appropriate.

    Specifically, along with all the above and if you were like me in your youth, tone down the ribald jokes & blue language. An edgy joke hits differently coming from a 22 year old junior employee v. a 52 senior employee!

  206. Annie E. Mouse*

    If you’re at a meal with junior staff, pick up the tab, regardless of whether or not you can expense it.

    Take the new hire to lunch or bring in donuts for their first day.

    Show your tattoo, dye your hair pink, or flout whatever nonsensical traditional norms your company has. Take a mental health day and tell everyone that’s what you’re doing. Carve out the time for development/conferences and include staff. Pave the way for junior employees to be more comfortable going outside the box, and be the advocate for them.

    1. A Person*

      I really like that last bit. I hate wearing makeup and while at first that was just a “me” thing, now that I’m more senior I also see it as setting a norm for women not needing to wear makeup.

  207. Lolli*

    One of the areas I am big on is making sure my team feels like they can enjoy some of the perks. I see some leaders trying to show how hard they work by not leaving work to attend a function that is meant to bring up moral. For example, we have 2 parties a year off site which includes food, drinks (including cocktails), games, and door prizes. It begins at 3pm, when we are normally all still working. I get there are some roles that can’t leave work at that time and must wait until 5 to leave for the party. But it always bugged me that some leaders would say they are too busy with work to go. The people reporting to them didn’t feel like they should go and would stay at work too. I understood that not all my team would want to attend but they all would want to get off work a little early, so I encouraged that and I always attended the event for at least an hour or so. Some on my team loved the party and some would go straight home or anywhere they wanted to go.

  208. Eat my Squirrel*

    This may not be possible depending on your job and the culture there, but before covid, I worked on site at a factory that was one of many major sites for a massive fortune 100 company you have definitely heard of. In the engineering building we had like three or four VPs/SVP’s offices, so you saw them walking through the cube farm doing their executive thing. They were almost always wearing suits. They were scary. You walked into another aisle so as not to make eye contact with them just because the power differential was so obvious.

    Except one. This one VP always dressed business casual just like everybody else, except on days when he absolutely had to wear a suit. Just that simple thing made him so much less scary and approachable. You could run into him in the hallway and just go “oh hi FirstNameofVP!” And it didn’t feel weird. And he would say hi back even though he had no clue who tf you were. I never had reason to seek out executive help, but just that simple thing made me feel like if I ever did, I could talk to him.

  209. Ann*

    Make sure to credit more junior members of your team for the roles they played on a project. Do this directly to them, to their bosses, and to your company in general.

  210. Rage*

    I was an EA to the CEO of a mid-sized non-profit. CEO may have had his failings, but he made it a point to meet with every class of new hires (1-2 groups per month) to talk to them. He was never snooty about it or lording over these direct care professionals, some of whom were barely 18 and in their first job out of high school. He spoke to them simply, yet in a warm and engaging manner. I always thought it was a nice thing to do, and nobody ever complained that they “had never even seen the CEO”.

  211. DaisyMom*

    My large-ish nonprofit company sends out a celebratory monthly work anniversary email, listing employees with their years of service. As a more senior staffer, I like to send a quick email to those I have worked with, thanking them for their dedication, etc. I often get the nicest replies!

  212. Melissa*

    If there is a small, manual task that needs to be done, and you happen to be standing there when it does— do it! Somebody spills coffee in a meeting and you have a second? Go grab the paper towels. We had a COO at my last job who would do that and it made an impression on me. When we ran out of syringes during a mass vaccination event, he ran upstairs to grab a box, rather than asking a staff member to do it. It was out of step with norms of the other c-levels, and I really appreciated it.

  213. Moose*

    IMO, unless you truly are in dire need of food, stuffing your purse with communal food anywhere is not a good look no matter how junior you are. It comes off as selfish and greedy. Taking all or most of something meant to be shared among a community is not being a good community member.

    (Again, all bets are off if you are truly in dire need of food. Being a good community member means ensuring your basic needs are met. But outside of that, it’s rude and greedy. You shouldn’t need a memo to tell you that.)

  214. Rebecca*

    I had a very intentional manager who, when she took us out for expensed lunches, always ordered first. It took me a while to realize why she did this–she knew we would take queues from her on what we could get. She always got a single glass of wine, a fairly pricy entre and appetizers for the table–she didn’t want us to feel we had to go cheap or couldn’t have a drink on “work time.” Very clever, very thoughtful.

  215. Industry Behemoth*

    At a large PastEmployer, I worked in the head office in the Pacific Time zone. One afternoon all the head office admins received an email from an executive in a later time zone.

    Executive first apologized for the e-blast to All Head Office Admins. They couldn’t find the email address for Head Office Mailroom.

    They just needed a short document printed and sent overnight to a government agency. It was after hours in their time zone, and hard copy overnight delivery by the next day was legally required.

  216. maw*

    lots of good stuff above.

    I would say that in meetings/conversations where you might have done more talking previously, consider doing more listening and question asking, so as not to be That Boss Who Monopolizes Meetings. Find space to encourage staff to speak up with answers so they can shine and be perceived as good at their jobs.

    Definitely rein in competitiveness in group quasi-social activities, if you can’t politely recuse yourself.

  217. Healthcare Manager*

    When doing team lunch events make sure that any bill splitting does not put the more junior staff at a disadvantage. As you get more senior and paid better it’s easy to forget what it’s like to be on a junior salary.

  218. Emmy*

    Even if you think you know the answer to a question or what your employee is about to ask, let them finish their entire thought or question before you start! I have a manager who will cut you off mid thought and start to answer and sometimes she guesses wrong what I am going to ask. It is so frustrating.

  219. AM*

    The best boss I ever had went out of his way to make entry-level employees feel included in all decisions. He also invited them to outside meetings with big name people from other orgs so they could listen and learn from observing. This helped the young, new professionals but also set a tone for the whole organization of respect and collegiality. He also taught me that “gifts flow down, not up.” Meaning that once you are a manager, never expect gifts from your employees but always give them gifts at holidays and for special work anniversaries. Finally, he let someone go who was asking an administrative assistant to do personal things for him without really making sure she was doing them voluntarily and without paying her for these extras. He, himself, never made those kinds of requests and really empowered the administrative staff to say no.

  220. It's Me*

    I once had a very senior member of management pass by a conference room where I was setting up for a meeting (not actually my job but someone had to do it) and he came in to help, just because he had a minute to spare and the job would go by faster with two. A little bit of awareness and willingness to pitch in goes a long, long way.

    When out with junior staff, cover their coffees, meals, etc., *and let them know ahead of time you’re doing it* as that may affect what they order. (Picking the main they actually wanted as opposed to the cheapest thing on the menu.)

    Develop a poker face. Use it liberally.

  221. Bitsy*

    I’ve listened to department heads compliment their administrative assistants in meetings by saying, oh, Mary really runs the department! June is the person who’s really in charge here! Ha ha! And I think, well, then shouldn’t Mary and June make the salary you make, Mr. Chairman dude, instead of 1/3 of what you make, or less?

    Compliment the administrative staff honestly, about substantial topics. Advocate for their salaries. But don’t condescend.

  222. Lusara*

    I had a manager who wanted to give everyone a reward at the end of big project. He said something to the effect of “I’d like to take everyone out to lunch, but if you’re like me, I’m sure you’d rather go out with your spouse or a friend instead of your boss.” He told us we could got out to dinner and expense it up to $X, where X was more than enough for a reasonably nice dinner for two.

  223. H.Regalis*

    With meetings, and I stole this from Captain Awkward:
    -Make sure they start and end on time
    -Make sure there is an agenda and it is adhered to
    -Rotate who takes notes/minutes so that it’s not always the most junior and/or female people
    -Don’t let other senior people drone on and on; make sure everyone gets the floor
    -Have a rule that if someone brings up an issue, they have to present at least three solutions; this is to shut down the guy who just loving poking fucking holes in everyone’s ideas
    -No phones/tablets/laptops/multitasking. If you have something really important to deal with, go deal with it and you’ll get the meeting notes later. Don’t show up and half-ass paying attention.

    You have the power now to make meetings not suck. Use it.

    If you say something like can we talk later/stop by my office/let’s chat after this/whatever, tell the person what you’re meeting about so they don’t freak out and worry that it’s something terrible.

  224. Felix*

    Don’t do raffles at all! If you want to reward your team, reward everyone. Don’t have a few people get expenses prizes and everyone else get nothing. It causes a lot of resentment even when it’s coworkers getting the prizes instead of the boss. Give everyone a small gift, or even better cash.

    1. Lusara*

      I’ll second this. The best reward is cash, period. I’d rather get $25 than have a chance to win an ipad or something.

  225. Robyn*

    In discussions, volunteer to take the notes. I was in a round table (feedback meeting) once and the most senior person at the table just started the note taking when custom has been pass it to a female with the excuse “my hand writing is bad”…..

  226. Lucy*

    When there are work place contests like chili cook-off or an extra day off for donating to a charity alway participate, but make sure whoever is running the content ensures you never win. Nothing like having a Director or Senior leader who gets more vacation than most and a flex scheulde win that extra day off when those getting bare minimum participate and not win.

  227. Anonono*

    Definitely stop taking the cookies. We had a manager at our company who was known for taking office snacks home for their kids when they were making a good 6 figure salary. As lower level staff making a fraction of that, we did not look kindly on it.

  228. A Person*

    Another thing you may be able to do is help make connections between other senior leaders and people on your team. As someone who has had to learn a lot of my social graces and doesn’t find it natural it’s not my favorite but making sure cross dept connections are made is really helpful.

    A very concrete example – today I saw a new director in a related department eating lunch alone. I invited them to eat with my team and they made some really good connections. Now if I’m working with that person later and reference work done by my team they have a face to the name.

  229. Gabbyct*

    * Limit your work friendships – don’t talk about them profusely at work if you have them. If you join your subordinates in voluntary, after-hours events, never over serve yourself and think about leaving early. You make an appearance for the sake of comeraderie but don’t risk getting caught up in shenanigans that could look bad for you, or make others who weren’t included feel left out.
    * Don’t participate in gossip, rather use it as information to help improve things where you can
    * Don’t back stab, be passive aggressive or take credit for the work of others.
    * Being humble goes a long way – give your team mates credit where credit is due.
    * Praise publicly, reprimand privately
    * Willingly, and quietly take on the “dirty” work. I always re-stock tp, paper towels and soap in the rest rooms, am never afraid to grab a broom or wash a window. I never tell anyone I do it but it doesn’t go unnoticed.

  230. hexagon*

    We often go offsite for events and it’s not uncommon for the owner of the company to take everyone’s coffee orders and do the coffee run. When this happened for the first time I expressed surprise and she said more or less, “My role onsite is mostly to show my face to the client. I don’t actually know how to do the details of the setup and where everything goes like you do, so I could either waste all of our time asking you a thousand questions and making you get less done while you try and find me a task I won’t mess up, or I can just use that time to let you work while I get coffee and a snack if you need it.”

    I really appreciate this attitude–sometimes the best thing you can do to support the team is to just let people work. Some days I have the time and energy to do the coffee run for everyone and some days I just need a latte to appear in my hand. And because nobody on the team thinks they’re too important to run an errand, over time it all balances out. That’s 100% an attitude that comes from the top. (And, by the way, coffees are work expenses that we are always reimbursed for, so no one has to worry about whether or not they can afford a coffee or if they need to pay someone back for it.)

  231. Religious Nutter*

    When my boss walks up to my desk, if he sees me eating lunch he’ll immediately say “It’s not an emergency, so I’ll check in with you when you’re not on lunch break.”

    Never checks when my lunch break is, or how long it is, but always treats it as Very Important that he not interrupt people who are on break with stuff that can wait.

    He’s the same way about sick days. I avoid calling in sick as much as I possibly can, but sometimes I’ve got to take time, and he’s always matter-of-fact-but-gracious about it. Never asks for details, never pushes back. “You’re sick? I’ll let the team know. I hope you feel better soon.”

    1. Librarian*

      build and hold the guardrails – nobody gets their lunch interrupted unless it is a critical emergency. then you apologize up front, state the emergency, then make them whole “I’ll go take the first part of your hour on phones, finish your lunch”
      you do it, you are telling them how to do it

  232. Raida*

    All based on experiences:

    If you genuinely earn more than everyone else in the room – do not whine about how your $10k holiday was supposed to be in Bali but you had to settle for a Thai resort.
    Absolutely tell us about the drama getting your bags back from the airline!

    If there is a ‘nobody’s job’ that needs doing – you do it. Don’t say “I don’t get paid $150k to clean fridges” because when a bottle of chocolate milk exploded in there over the weekend and it stinks you either do it yourself or pay a cleaner. No complaining that you are above this kind of work – it conveys that other people are beneath you, you don’t want to do this task, therefore other people *should* do it. Because if $150k isn’t the right pay to clean that stinky fridge, $75k certainly isn’t.

    If you can afford to buy a new car every other year, put aside a couple hundred bucks a year, then buy the first round of drinks, plus food for the table. Order hot chips, garlic bread, couple of pizzas, whatever it is. You can afford it, it’s not covered by the business, don’t leave that cost and effort of planning to other people, they don’t exist to give you a good time. Alternatively offer to pay if someone else orders – pre-emptively.

    Bring food to a potluck.
    Don’t help yourself to birthday cake unless you know who it is for and you’ve wished them a happy birthday.
    Take leftovers sure, but don’t jump on them. If leftovers can go in the fridge, leave them for the next day with “eat me” on them.

    Offer to judge contests instead of entering them, unless it’s really *your thing* or it’s really silly fun.
    It’s fine to spend six hours on a blood orange reduction infused wafer topped with blueberry/cacao mouse topped with honey coconut polenta cake enrobed in a dark chocolate shell and enter that into a baking contest!
    It’s fine to play mini golf with hiked up argyle socks, push around a morning tea trolley, shine shoes, or model a branded polo and umbrella.
    It’s not fine to opt-out without notable scheduling issues of silly stuff, or assign yourself the judge/manning a station unless there’s a request for volunteers.
    It’s not fine to enter bog standard chocolate cake into a baking contest and win because the judges wanted to curry favour.

    Donate to charities if you expect staff to donate – don’t pressure them but don’t be a hypocrite.
    Donate money to office supplies that aren’t covered by the business – don’t spend two months “investigating” (IE telling an admin to investigate) if the company credit card is allowed to be used for buying cutlery and then say “So we can’t use the card for it” like whooboy yeah you did that task. How about offering a solution? Or better yet – Just. Bloody. Buy. It. It’d be like fifty bucks total ffs – get all the Directors to chip in and there’ll be cutlery for a decade.

    If you like a certain food and always go there for team lunches, ensure that an admin person isn’t just picking that each time because you like it instead of checking what others would like, or you’d be willing/interested to try. Ask for suggestions.

    If several people are interested in an activity but not *everyone* is interested – one group can go do that thing and everyone else can propose activities they’d like. You don’t have to pick the same thing every time because everyone *can* do it – you can have a few different things going on. I cannot fully express how little I care about Lawn Bowls, but that’s what we did every time for years.

    If there’s a problem that could be handled without you, ask if they’d like your voice added or if it needs escalation. You don’t need to be involved at the beginning, but be clear that you are ready to help if needed. Then actually step up and do it.

    If another manager says Team A (their team) told them that Team B (your team) isn’t very helpful, take the initiative to fully understand what that means. If it ends up they mean “Analyst on Team B won’t just do my job for me, he keeps saying that he gave me step by step instructions and knowing Excel is a requirement of my job.” Then you tell the other manager your expectation is that this complaint is not repeated again because your team will not be badmouthed. Do not sit down Team B and say “So I’ve gotten some feedback (won’t tell you from where) and I think you should just keep that in mind and be better.” It’s not actionable, it’s not putting in any effort, it’s not trusting your staff, it’s not standing up for your staff, and you also don’t actually know what’s happened.

    Overall: Be a protector, a leader, put others first, be aware of your comparative position financially and influence wise, do not be a hypocrite.

  233. Panda (she/her)*

    The most memorable thing I can remember is a VP who walked around while the technical staff were racing towards a deadline and asked if there was anything we needed, and could he get anyone a coffee? We had free coffee in the made the coffees and brought them all out to the team – and the fact that he spent 15 minutes getting coffees ready for everyone was so much more impactful than if he had just ordered them.

  234. Phoenix*

    Put in some time at work social events, even if you dislike them. It’s fine to skip the happy hours and team picnics as staff, but as leadership, you should try to go for at least the first 45 min or hour.

    Go to the DEIA or other “company values” events!! If you consistently skip these, people will get the message that diversity, equality, and access are just not that important to leadership, and they’ll act accordingly. Same with employee development and training. If you want them to do it, you have to do it too.

    Give informal mentorship — not patronizingly in an “unsolicited advice” kind of way, of course. But I deeply appreciate the leaders who’ve shared their tips with me (such as, talk quieter, not louder, to be listened to; yes, XYZ external person is sexist, it’s not just you; the appropriate response to someone’s departure is “we’ll miss you and congrats”).

  235. HannahS*

    I’m late to the party, but some thoughts on small ways to wear authority well:
    Be generous–pay for the coffee, bring the occasional treat.
    Put others first–get your food last, don’t take home leftovers, don’t take the first or last piece of cake
    Don’t complain about how much work you have, and ESPECIALLY don’t complain about money
    Be pleasant; as a senior executive, your mood “bleeds” down more than it would when you were junior

  236. Anon5657*

    If there is an office party and food is out on the table, be one of the last to make yourself a plate. And don’t take any leftovers home!

    I once observed another senior do something gracious. Everyone out in a donation towards something and there was a raffle where the winner gets like a percentage of the pool and the rest of the money was donated. The executive won but graciously declined the winnings.

    Also, just normal politeness like letting others in first when you walk into the door or elevator. Just good manners will make you a gracious leader.

  237. Nilsson Schmilsson*

    What do YOU want to see from your manager? You noticed that they hung back so others could eat first. It’s helpful to follow the cues of next level managers that you like and respect.

  238. Middle level but highest person in our building*

    Make a way people can note significant allergies and religious restrictions. We have two people with religious principles against gambling be handed lottery tickets at company parties. Someone whose migraines are triggered by strong scents given candles frequently.
    One person in our department has true allergies to several things, so I take it on myself to read the labels. She doesn’t need to spend her time asking at each staff event and making her multiple health factors affect her image more than how reliable and innovative she is.

  239. Be Human*

    There are roughly 9 million comments so I haven’t read them all and am probably going to reiterate. But here are my thoughts after getting a new VP (I’m a manager, I report to a director, the VP is my grand old technically but also the leader most involved in my day to day life). My old VP was supportive but full of himself and volatile. If you walked into a room with him everyone would be aware you worked for him but that he was a benevolent ruler.

    So my VP introduces me as his colleague. Does not make a big deal about being the boss. He doesn’t throw fits and demand special favors because he is a “fucking vice president” who insists on flying first class (old VP).

    The other advice I will give is to remember you are important and people will be nervous around you. You are just a human living your life and might not consider this a lot. I just onboarded a new employee and she was a bit nervous about the number of directors and VPs we interact with on a daily basis. I told people this and they have been lovely. One VP said he would just be a “goof” like he always is. But truly, I appreciated that I told them she was nervous and they remembered for a minute that they are VPs and might be intimidating and made sure to be very kind and approachable.

    Something tells me the fact that you’re asking means you’re pretty aware. But being aware of your role and treating people like they are also important humans is my two cents!

  240. NR*

    In introductions I refer to anyone (even if I supervise them) as “my colleague.” My FIL, who had a fantastic international career of 50+ years taught me this and it has served me well.

  241. Despachito*

    If the character of your work means you are allowed to receive some treats such as gift baskets, bottles of wine etc. – typically around Christmas, don’t take them all home but let your employees have some.

  242. Asterodeia*

    – take time to introduce yourself to new hires and welcome them
    – one thing I used to do, in a place where we had to pay for our coffee/hot drinks, was to always pay for them when we went as a group

  243. Been There*

    One thing I’ve noticed as a newbie in my new job is that people in leadership know my name, know who I am and will ask how I am doing. We’re an organization of 600+ people so I never expect this of them, but it always feels nice and makes me feel welcome.

  244. Madame Arcati*

    A nicely balanced attitude to work socialising. With the caveat that I am in a UK city where the after work drinks culture is I gather much more prevalent (and in the cities most of us use public transport so no drink-drive concerns), it is good to be present because you aren’t too good to show up at Wakeen’s leaving do and you are grateful for his contribution to the team, but stay a shorter time and leave the more junior staff to it after a bit so they don’t feel like the boss is keeping an eye on them. When you are there, be sure to have a chat with staff at all levels not just the ones directly below you.
    Speaking of leaving, if it is the thing in your workplace to say a few words when a colleague moves on, offer to do that (“unless you think it would be better for you to speak, Jane, as his direct manager for so long”) and if you do, make an effort to ask Wakeen’s colleagues to tell you his best bits – highlights and funny (good-spirited) stories for a personal touch and a fun speech so it’s not not, ugh we all have to listen to Tangerina spout the same boring claptrap she always does.

  245. MatClass*

    I would say: don’t offer to pay for little things, just state that you will pay for them (lunches with junior colleagues, travel tickets, coffees, whatever). Don’t make it a social thing, it should just be an ‘obviously, I will pay for this’.

    And yes, no joking to juniors about how the work is boring, or annoying: it just as boring and annoying for your junior coworker (if not considerably more so) and they are getting less compensation for it.

    Also depends on your office culture but: do your share of the little chores. Bring in biscuits, make tea & coffee – even if you’re more likely than your coworkers to be stuck on a call, or be crazy busy, don’t just accept all those little favours without doing your little bit

  246. DEEngineer*

    I’m in the same position as the OP! One of the things I find most difficult is remembering to take the time to connect with people. I tend to seek someone out and immediately jump in to ask for what I need from them! I have been teased about this in the past because I’m friendly and smiley but very focused. I’ve seen successful managers take time to say hello and ask about pets, kids, vacation, etc., for a few minutes every few weeks. I’ve also noticed a few managers have a hobby they’re very public about that gives people a conversation topic. It may not be deliberate but it works! My grandboss races cars on weekends with her wife for fun.

  247. Jac1017*

    Do not enter any drawings and if it was done automatically, decline if they try to give it to you. Example: Five winners will receive a $20 Amazon gift card for donating blood, or a raffle of gifts for those who came to the summer picnic. No, my son does not get to win the bicycle.

  248. Roscoe da Cat*

    Intervene when you see something. I mean, when you become senior, you have to intervene when you see actions that are outside the norm. For example, if you see two employees yelling, you have to get involved.

  249. Hawk*

    I’m coming in late to this, but a couple years ago, my job hired someone who’d spent several decades in the private sector at a very prestigious company. She was coming to work for our non-profit, and all of us were a little nervous about it, because of how different the workplaces cultures are (she was coming from a place that was very hierarchical, our organization is more all on one level with a lot of different people who weigh in on any given issue, from across seniority levels).

    I’ve never been happier to be wrong about a person. She knows far more than me about the subjects we work on, but she still seeks out my opinion and truly considers it, because she knows I’m working with different people. She always makes sure to give credit, publicly and privately, to junior staff, and you can tell from her comments that she actually notices and appreciates the work people are doing. Most impressively, she’s been willing to be the one speaking for groups and calling things out that we all think are unfair. She has a lot of capital because of her past experience and her general vibe, and she’s willing to spend it. I feel so lucky for the chance to work with someone like her when I’m still early in my career, so I can do my best to model her behavior when I have more experience under my belt!

  250. Newbie*

    Be mindful of how often you’re asking your direct reports, as I have taken to calling it, to pick up your socks.
    The number of times my manager has added me into Slack conversations where he was asked by other people things like, “Where does team ABC keep a list of software subscriptions it uses?” and then he’s had to ask me. Or the times he’s asked me, “Does the program we pay 10k a month for do this simple task it’s designed to do?”
    “does our time tracking system show us how much unused to we have left?” “where do we store xyz critical information?”

    I know direct reports are often closer to the process-y type things, but please keep in the loop on the basic things like this to save your reports a headache.

  251. Welp*

    Be the first to offer goodness.
    Say hi when you walk in a room. Speak and acknowledge people.
    Smile/be warm and welcoming.
    Realize your mood may trickle down.
    Be VERY clear and EXPLICIT when giving directions.

    Don’t stuff cookies in your pocket from the breakroom.

  252. K*

    Help clean up after the meeting/party or volunteer to do the monthly kitchen cleanup. This often falls to Admin but its sometimes not technically in their job description or perhaps the mess is too much for one person. The best execs I’ve ever had were always the ones who stayed late for cleanup and encouraged others to help out too.

    1. Cracker eating subordinate*

      I always appreciate when a leader pitches in for these kinds of things. It shows they aren’t too high-and mighty, and that they are a servant leader doing whatever needs to be done.

  253. Some Lady*

    Make friendly small talk with everyone, but especially the most junior employees. It doesn’t have to be much, just hello, how was your weekend, etc. It can be so intimidating to talk to Important People, so it’s nice to know they are humans who see you as a human. Also, that way the first time they talk to you is not also the first time something big happens, like having to go to you with a problem or give a big presentation.

  254. AuntieV*

    I’m actually taking a class on non profit leadership right now and my assignment this week was to think of a way that a manager I’m familiar with acts as a leader. The job I’m in now is the first job I’ve ever had with supportive managers who want to see me succeed.

    I honestly think the biggest thing as an employee that I see is encouraging goals. Work goals, life goals, getting the high score in a video game. Whatever. I told my boss that I wanted to get my masters in non profit leadership and her immediate response was to exclaim how great of an idea that was, all the ways I’m suited for that, and then has given me work and the support to complete that work, that is in pursuit of advancing my career in line with my educational goal.

    I have NEVER felt so seen and supported ever.

  255. Spacedog*

    A few tips on how to be a more gracious leader, learned from my previous manager / director:
    • Don’t go into every meeting sharing how drunk you got last night, or how drunk you hope to get tonight, or how you’re going to be so drunk over the holiday break.
    • Especially doing share this with stakeholders.
    • Don’t swear at your employees who ask questions about information they need for their job. It’s not a threat to you if people ask things.
    • Don’t refer to your female peers and employees as b—–s.
    • When you decide to renew — or, for that matter NOT renew — a contract, let the employee know; they might be contractors, but they are also humans.
    • After you have decided not to renew a contractor, don’t ignore them for the remainder of the contract, including letting them know that they haven’t been renewed before they are locked out of their laptops.
    • Please treat your employees with the courtesy that any human would expect. At the end of the day, we’re all people.

    Here’s hoping that our next managers will be gracious, thoughtful, communicative and inspiring.

  256. Jane*

    Something I’ve noticed about upper management is that they never get involved in hot button issue discussions (everything from inner-office gossip to what happened in the political debate last night). They just simply redirect their attention elsewhere or segway the group into a more work-appropriate topic. I assume it’s to remain neutral in the eyes of employees so as to not ostracize anyone.

  257. On Holiday*

    If you have banked and/or accrue a lot of time off thanks to your tenure, please do not complain to junior colleagues, who likely have far less time off, that you “have more time than you can use.” Or that you “don’t even know what to do with all your vacation time.”

    I speak from experience as someone who is relatively junior at an organization where time off used to be much more generous for all employees (up until about ten years ago, when they cut benefits significantly). This means senior employees may have as much as double the amount of time off that I do, and even if I stay a while I’ll still never have as much as they do. And around this time of year, when they have a deadline by which they have to use or lose that time, some are insufferable about it. People who complain about it make me and all my colleagues in a similar position so annoyed. Instead, the gracious thing to do would be to take the time (I’m all for people using their benefits!), but without acting like it’s some hardship.

  258. Terrified 1st-time Manager*

    In my role as first-time manager of a small but hard-working corporate staff, I was often the individual recipient of generous holiday gifts from clients. Many times, they weren’t exactly “shareable” like food. As an employee, I would have gleefully kept them all to myself. Not exactly supportive management behavior. Instead, we turned it into a goofy team-building game — piling the deliveries on an empty desk and taking wildly inappropriate guesses about what might be inside. The day before the holiday break, we each took turns choosing from the pile, then sent a handwritten “thank you from the team” card to each client in January.

  259. K*

    Making sure those more junior than you get a chance to speak their ideas, and get proper credit for their contributions. Especially when there’s natural opportunities to praise their contributions in front of other teams or the wider department. I’ve learned as I grew in my role that having visibility for my work across the department and with the department head is important when going to promotions. I’ve tried to give this visibility to other staff in department meetings with projects I’ve been leading.

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