open thread – October 4, 2024

by Alison Green on October 4, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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{ 627 comments }

{ 627 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. PX*

    Top tips for highlighting intangibles and other soft skills on your CV? I work in an industry where cover letters arent given much weight, and a big part of my job requires getting other people to work well together (and I’m good at it). But I feel like the focus on measurable KPIs/metrics isnt helping me here.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jane*

      I feel like your soft skills can be implied in the metrics. When you talk about things like “getting other people to work well together” can you say something like “Led/managed/coordinated a team of X number of people on Y project to produce Z outcome?” Or “Selected and managed a team of X people while overhauling [less than optimal process] to [more optimal process] which resulted in Y% increase in [metric] over the fiscal year?”

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    2. Pay no attention...*

      Have you taken any certificate or other “measurable” courses in those soft skills? The KPI’s to measure might be the end result of getting people to work well together — % increase in satisfaction…per a survey…or lower turnover in the department. Or the KPIs of the group that you got to work well together… % decrease in errors due to working well together.

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    3. anonymous anteater*

      Maybe something like
      -go-to person for facilitating productive collaborations and balancing competing stakeholder priorities, e.g. XY project completed on time without compromising widget quality, YZ report delivered with clear recommendations while keeping business data confidential
      -known for highly effective communication skills, and ability to build strong relationships with various partners (executives, operations staff, SMEs)
      It is hard to put metrics on everything, but maybe listing qualitative achievements that then would be backed up by stories in your interview or references, could work.
      Maybe it will get easier to highlight specific skills, if you reflect on which particular achievements will be most relevant for the job that you are applying for.

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    4. Strive to Excel*

      Well – if you get people to work well together, that usually results in some sort of measurable KPI increase somewhere! Do you have any projects you helped with that were measured before and after you started? Decreased incidents of employee complaints? Reduced time to do tasks? Increase in efficiency, or decrease in lost time/materials?

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    5. bamcheeks*

      How do you do that? I talk about about using my coaching and active listening skills to explore other’s needs and priorities, finding commonalities and then designing solutions that meet disparate needs (or not exactly that, but like that.) Have you got any specific examples where X wanted A and Y wanted B and you were able to support them in coming up with C which met both sets of needs?

      Reply ↓
      1. bamcheeks*

        (A way I think about articulating soft skills is to think what advice you’d give someone new to the same task, or yourself five years ago– this is a great way of getting yourself to define what you’ve learned and/or what you do without really thinking about it!)

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    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      Incorporate soft skills into achievement statements. Instead of listing soft skills, embed them into your accomplishment statements. For example:

      “Led cross-functional teams of 10+ to improve project delivery timelines by 15%, enhancing interdepartmental collaboration.”

      “Resolved team conflicts through mediation and active listening, maintaining productivity during high-stress periods.”

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    7. Venus*

      I have used wording about being tasked to resolve difficult interpersonal communications. I do more than the average be nice to my team and get them to collaborate well, rather I am really good at convincing assholes to give my team what we need.

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    8. Kez*

      I tend to highlight situations that would be obvious from the outside as difficult. So in my case, that looks like saying “Developed training materials for a variety of stakeholders, from IT professionals to casual users” or “Coordinated cross-functional project to achieve goals and balance needs of a variety of stakeholders”. So maybe try highlighting that?

      Reply ↓
  2. Culture Shift*

    Are there any good websites, books, or other resources you can recommend for dealing with a major cultural shift in the workplace? I’m a remote US employee who has been moved to a team centralized in Pune, and I am seriously struggling with the wildly different expectations and behavior.

    Just one example of many: Everything is a negotiation; I’m expected to constantly haggle with US vendors for better prices and faster deliveries, when that’s just not how it works. Even when an agreement is in place and signed off, they still want me to harp on the representative to send things sooner than agreed. While my role usually involves a bit of vendor management because my finished electronic work has to be physically printed, this is starting to feel like a cold-call sales job. My stress is through the roof because these vendor relationships are becoming combative, and it’s completely unnecessary. “Pushing back” on the internal team does nothing. (This is just an example of one major issue, I’m looking for higher-level help and not just suggestions for this one thing.)

    Reply ↓
    1. T.N.H*

      Yea, you’re gonna lose vendors and contractors with this. When that happens, do you think it will be enough of a natural consequence? Is your team genuinely unaware of how things operate in the US? My other idea is to find an ally who does not have a US background and use their expertise to drive the point home.

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    2. Jane*

      This needs to be something that you address first above you and then below. Without buy-in from your management team, you’re going to continue to field these types of questions. You may *still* field them from the internal team, but at least you’ll have the blessing of leadership when you ignore or dismiss their negotiation questions.

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    3. restingbutchface*

      Yeah, I feel this. And assuming the vendors are local, they are going to expect it.

      I have been working for an Indian company for a while now and I still get culture shocks on the regular. Where is your manager located? Pune?

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      1. Culture Shift*

        My direct manager (meaning who does my reviews) is in Oregon and I am in New England. My dotted-line manager (meaning who assigns my work) is in Pune.

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    4. Still*

      When you say that pushing back does nothing, what does that look like?

      Could you grey rock them? Keep saying “I’ve checked with the vendor and this is the best they can do” and just not bring it up with the vendors even if your team keeps pushing?

      Where is your manager on this?

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    5. NaoNao*

      Can you lean on the “bridge between cultures” aspect and explain that as a US citizen you have knowledge of how “they” do things and ask to be respected as an expert on “their” cultural norms?
      If the team in Pune is asking you to haggle with local vendors, they likely understand it’s part of the game. But it Pune is asking you to haggle with US vendors, step in and explain “this is my culture and I have both a deep and broad understanding here. This isn’t how it’s done”

      I actually understand your struggle very well as I worked overseas in SE Asia and threats/haggling/hassling and repeated increasingly urgent calls was the only way to get things done. It was total culture shock coming back to the US and having people be taken aback by my sharp tone or almost…combative stance. (Of course I dropped it shortly after coming back, but it did take a minute!)

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    6. Strive to Excel*

      To me it sounds like the challenge here isn’t one of a cultural shift. It’s that the way the role you are in operates has changed, you are expected to be the forerunner of the change without having the power or backing to make it stick, and that your job description has shifted negatively as a result. It’s not a question of “I need to rethink how to have business communications with my coworkers, because our ways of being polite are different”. Presumably you’d be just as frustrated if a new boss showed up who required you to start selling MLM products. I don’t doubt that there are other challenges you are dealing with that are not affecting your work so significantly – I can only imagine that the timezone difference must be brutal! But in the specific example I’m seeing, it’s as much an operational change as it is a culture change.

      So: I would advise checking into books on negotiations, but also any of Alison’s posts that deal with having to tell bosses they’re making a bad decision. For negotiations, “Getting to Yes” and “Getting Past No” are classics. I don’t know enough about Pune or Indian cultural underpinnings to advise on that culture specifically. If you have a trusted coworker either in the Pune division or who has successfully and frequently worked with the Pune division, you might ask them for advice as to how they adapted/best practices to make things run smoothly.

      But also – the more concrete data you can give your bosses on why this isn’t working, the more it will help your case. If you normally spend 2 hours a week on vendor management and now you’re spending 10? That’s information that needs to go to your managers – both of them. Keep this strictly to “things that are actively making it more challenging to do my job/actively harming the company”. I also think it’s not unreasonable to go to your direct manager and say “My job description said I would be only asked to do X on occasion. I’m finding myself doing X really frequently now. This is very different from what I thought I would be doing, and it’s not a skillset I’m good at”.

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    7. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      oh this is tough. It sounds like you are using US venders and your Pune team doesn’t understand that in the US there is not as many negotiations, especially if there is an agreement already in place. I know that in some cultures there is a push for haggling and negotiation, and it sounds like your bosses just don’t understand that that’s not how US works and if they are using US venders they cannot expect you or the company to work this way. I don’t know if there is anything you could do. Since your company is international are their any trainings that they offer for working in new cultures, etc. I would see if there is someone who can help explain this.

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      1. Momma Bear*

        Maybe make a script – “We have an agreement with ABC company for 50 widgets at $20/widget. This was negotiated and agreed to prior to this official contract and signed off by Director Smith. We can discuss if the shipment is behind schedule, but all negotiations for price are already finalized. We run the risk of being dropped as a customer if we continue to push for a faster timeline. If we lose this supplier, it will cost us $25 per widget from XYZ company and their current lead time is 10 weeks, which will guarantee us a worse delay than letting ABC do their thing as agreed. I will intervene if the shipment is delayed but I will otherwise abide by the contract.” Perhaps the person in Oregon needs to back you up, too.

        If manager is new, consider walking them through the process of selecting a vendor and reassure them that this is a good price for a quality product and rushing might impact the quality of your own products down the line. There’s the old saying that you can get fast, good, or cheap, but not all three.

        I wouldn’t say it’s not my skillset because that just makes them think of replacing you and isn’t the full scope of the problem anyway.

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    8. Kay*

      There are a number of comments here on how to address this – but have you considered – simply not going back to your vendors? When your overseas contact pushes for a better deal/updated timeframe/other unreasonable thing can you simply give them a “I’ll see what I can do”, never contact the vendor (because you thought about it and see that renegotiating a contract is absurd and saw that therefore there was nothing you could do), and when it comes up again say “that is what the price/terms will be”? It is kinda stepping over the missing stair, but if the other advice doesn’t work, and they don’t ever get that that isn’t how things are done here – I would do this. No emotion, no stress, just the expectation you will get asked, you will not worry yourself over it, and things will continue on.

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    9. Friday Person*

      I apologize that I don’t have any useful suggestions, just wanted to add my sympathy for your asking a question ending with “I’m looking for higher-level help and not just suggestions for this one thing” and immediately getting half a dozen suggestions about the one thing.

      Reply ↓
  3. BRR*

    I had a phone screen yesterday with someone from HR and they would say “yeah” or “yup” literally every 3 to 4 seconds while I was answering a question. And this was at their full speaking volume during every answer. I’m assuming they wanted to show they were listening but it was incredibly difficult. I plowed through it and I think I did ok, but in the fantasy world in my head I would have gone “excuse me, I’m speaking.” Would you have said something in this situation?

    Reply ↓
    1. Blue Pen*

      No, I wouldn’t have said anything I know it’s annoying, but rarely is it done in an intentionally malicious way.

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    2. DisneyChannelThis*

      Absolutely not! You want to make a good impression on them, calling out a verbal tic is not a good impression.

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    3. UnCivilServant*

      I don’t think calling it out would have had a positive impact. It sounds like an ingrained habit, and from your position, I expect the conversation would have gone poorly for you rather than made them change their active listening indicator to be more subdued.

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    4. Hlao-roo*

      I would have found it annoying but not said anything (in the moment or after).

      I do find it tough to signal “I’m listening” on phone calls sometimes, because I can’t silently nod/look engaged like I can in person (or on video calls). But every 3 or 4 seconds is way too frequent for an “I’m still listening” sound on a phone call!

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      1. College Career Counselor*

        Agreed. No real advice, but commiseration here. I have a colleague who nods and says, “yup,” “uh huh,” etc. almost constantly during meetings in response to anyone speaking. It’s hard to take that person seriously, and they’re at the VP level.

        Reply ↓
    5. RagingADHD*

      I certainly wouldn’t have said something combative like “excuse me, I’m speaking,” since they were clearly trying to demonstrate positive engagement.

      If it were actually derailing my train of thought so that I felt I couldn’t express myself, I might say something like, “sorry, I’m having trouble concentrating, could I ask you to hold your responses till I get all the way through?”

      But I feel like that would still make too much of it, unless it was really impossible for me to finish my thought.

      Reply ↓
    6. CTT*

      Making someone focus on what’s probably an unconscious verbal tic is a great way to make sure they don’t pay attention to what you’re saying in the interview.

      Reply ↓
    7. Mermaid of the Lunacy*

      Since it was a phone screen I probably wouldn’t have done anything, but if it was a conversation with a peer who had that habit I would stop every time they said “yup” and say, “Sorry, did you say something?” Repeat ad nauseum until they learn to zip it. LOL

      Reply ↓
    9. Ellis Bell*

      No, if it was as off-putting as you say I might have said something, but your phrasing sounds a bit too pissed off and blunt. It’s pretty common to say yes, or yep to show interest but I totally get that they were off rhythm and actually interrupting rather than responding. Some things I have tried are: pausing every time they interrupt and saying “Sorry, I’m afraid you threw me off track there. What was I saying?/Oh yes, I was saying…” This signals that they’re causing a problem with the interruptions and also if they’re trying to hurry you up they’ll realise it’s just slowing you down (however, saying sorry to a rude person might be too British for you). It’s worth considering if your answers were brief enough for them, as it’s a common way to hurry people up, but every three seconds does sound a bit excessive and rude.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kay*

        “..I’m afraid you threw me off there..” is far too accusatory and unnecessary. “Sorry, I got thrown off there..” doesn’t blame your interviewer. That being said – it would have to be an extreme situation for me to say anything at all (like the volume was through the roof or there was reverberating feedback – and I would name that), so “Sorry, it seems like I’m getting some feedback on my line that threw me off, my apologies, where was I?”.

        Making your interviewer feel bad doesn’t exactly say “I’m a team player who realizes things happen in life, can make the best of a less than ideal situation and know how to build good working relationships with others”, if you know what I mean.

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  4. What is going on??*

    I work on an in-house marketing team at a company that was purchased by an equity firm several months ago. Upper management has told our team that the board is happy with our marketing efforts. We’re a small team and they know that we have a lot on our plates. Sooo…about 2 weeks ago my boss (“Andy”) and Andy’s boss (“Mark”) told our team that the new equity firm is bringing on a contractor from an external agency to help manage some of the campaigns so we aren’t so swamped, this is for a 3-month contract. Mark assures us that the board is extremely happy with us and we’re not being replaced. In fact, we might add another team member next year! (!).

    Then this past Monday my boss Andy gave his two week notice for his “dream job that fell into his lap”. Based on what he said about his new role and company, it does seem like it’s what he wants to do, but it’s very similar to what our company does and his current role. See, I really like Andy because he knows what he’s doing and is a great boss. Meanwhile Mark sucks. He, and the rest of upper management, don’t listen to Andy and blow him off. I can see why Andy is leaving, because Mark is awful and has Andy working like a horse and offers zero help, he’s also not forthcoming with information and can be sneaky and sexist. Mark mentioned that we had a new recruiter starting and he was starting next week so we would get the job posting up asap.

    Well yesterday on LinkedIn I saw that our recruiter “Gina” had the “open to work” banner on her profile, and this morning she posted about how she lost her job last week. No one at my company has even mentioned she was no longer with the company and we got a new recruiter. I don’t know if she was laid off or fired but the news shocked me to my core. She was very well liked across the company, she was close with the exec team, so kind and friendly to everyone and she was active on our Slack channels. She brought on many people to the company and we have several open job reqs so it’s not like we’re in a hiring freeze, and they have a new recruiter picked out! She was the last person I expected this to happen to.

    I know this is a lot and could be a few separate posts, but I’m trying to process all this. I don’t trust Mark at all and I don’t like working with him. I’ve only been at my job for 1.5 years and wanted to try to stay another few years. I originally thought I could see how Andy’s replacement went, but now I’m worried they’ll get rid of us after this 3-month contract is up at the start of the new year. Of course, all the timing could be a coincidence and no one can predict the future, but oof!

    What are all y’alls thoughts on this?

    Reply ↓
      1. Tio*

        +1

        Andy left because the working environment was bad. I doubt the job “fell into his lap”; he was looking. You should be too, because even if you get a new Andy, Mark is still gonna be Mark.

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      2. mreasy*

        Yeah, anytime a PE firm buys a company there’s risk… and given these indications, I would recommend looking. I’m sorry.

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        2. AnotherOne*

          yeah, a friend of mine worked for a company that was partially bought by a VC firm. She loved it there the first couple of years…until the investors came in.

          it became the quarterly firing. the executive team essentially had to show certain numbers and growth, the best way to do that was getting rid of people and expecting the remaining people to do all the work and less staff.

          it got so bad that people wanted to be on the chopping block because they just didn’t want to be there anymore.

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      3. MsM*

        Ditto. You can hold out for stuff you really want as opposed to anything that will get you out of there ASAP, but I’d at least start exploring.

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      5. Antilles*

        The red flags started in the very first sentence of “equity firm”. There are some cases where an equity firm gets control and it works out well for the company, but even in those cases, it rarely works out well for individual employees – especially those who are junior/mid-level.
        And then I read the rest of the letter and everything else just confirms that initial impression.

        Reply ↓
    2. Friday Hopeful*

      Call Andy and set up a coffee with him, ask him about prospects for jobs at his new company. It sounds like you definitely should be looking.

      Reply ↓
      1. Trout 'Waver*

        100% agree. Invite him for coffee. I like the phrasing, “I enjoyed working with you and would love to do so in the future. Please keep me in mind if you have any projects that require a $job_title.”

        Reply ↓
      2. Jen MaHRtini*

        Tread carefully with this and don’t put anything in email. Andy almost certainly has a non-interference agreement precluding him from recruiting his former employer’s people for at least a year.

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        1. Generic Name*

          Yes, but the agreement doesn’t cover OP. I was on the other side of this in that I was the person who left and a former coworker reached out to me about a job listing at my company. I was delighted she had reached out, but I told her that I had signed an agreement so officially I couldn’t have any opinion. I kept myself out of her hiring process (I normally interview candidates for my department). It was a good thing that I had her text message where she approached my so if my old company decided to sue, I could have used that as proof that I did not “solicit” her.

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        2. What is going on??*

          Based on what he told me, I don’t really want to go to his next company. They have a bad PTO policy, and his role is a new role. I think he’s just trying to get out of our company, or of course he’s not great at vetting new companies! lol.

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        3. Junior Assistant Peon*

          I only ever signed a non-poaching agreement as part of a severance, and it sounds like he quit voluntarily.

          Reply ↓
          1. Trout 'Waver*

            I’ve signed one as part of a comprehensive NDA. My lawyer friend said it’s likely not enforceable, but I wouldn’t want to test it. I was compensated for signing it.

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      3. Festively Dressed Earl*

        I think this is the best idea in general – start touching base frequently with Andy, with Gina, and with others in your professional network. Polish and update your resume. And ask yourself – if Mark was the next one to go, how would that affect your job? Would you be more willing to stay, or be even more nervous that your position would be next on the chopping block?

        Reply ↓
    3. Bike Walk Barb*

      I’ve never been in this exact scenario but I’d start updating your resume and responding to interesting postings. Warm up your relationship with your professional network and check in with people you would list as a reference with a “hey, thinking about how much I enjoyed working with you, here’s what I’ve been able to accomplish recently thanks to the things I learned from you” (or whatever–something with a soft touch that tells them about new skills or recent accomplishments).

      Basically, hedge against the potential that the equity firm thinks they can squeeze out profit by downsizing. Andy may have heard something he’s not sharing that told him it’s time to jump so check in with him too.

      Reply ↓
    4. 3-Foot Tall Inflatable Rainbow Unicorn*

      Job search. If things are better in 3 months, you don’t have to move anywhere. If things go south in 3 months, you’ve protected yourself.

      Reply ↓
    5. A Simple Narwhal*

      Honestly? Start looking for another job. All of this has alarm bells ringing in my head and my impression is that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

      I know you were hoping to stay longer but getting acquired is an incredibly valid reason for looking. As someone who left a job with nothing lined up after an acquisition made my job hell, anytime an interviewer asked why I left/was looking for a new job, telling them that an acquisition led to instability and negative changes, everyone always just nodded their heads or went “yup that makes sense”, so I wouldn’t worry too much about your short-ish stint.

      Plus job hunting always takes a while so by the time you find one you might hit the 2 year mark anyway, and if things go south at the end of the year you already have a head start. Good luck! I know changes at work are stressful and not fun.

      Reply ↓
    7. ArtK*

      Bringing in contractors to “help” is a yellow flag; an equity company makes it very bright red. Start searching now and don’t feel one iota of guilt about leaving.

      I personally saw this at a previous job. New management and the VP was bragging about how he was best buddies with the heads of several contracting firms. I bailed soon after that, but several of my friends didn’t and got laid off as more and more work went to the contractors.

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    8. Momma Bear*

      I’d dust off my resume. I think Andy was the canary and you should at least start looking even if you don’t take the first offer.

      Of course Gina could have been fired for something you don’t know, but it makes me wonder if this is part of a larger plan to clear the decks, especially if the new company feels certain people were loyal to certain old company execs. Years back my little company got absorbed by a much larger company and they said they’d keep things the same. About 6 months in we were looking at slashed benefits (including PTO being capped at 2 weeks less per year) and replacement of several key/leadership people so the new company could bring in their own staff. If your gut says to worry, listen and start being proactive so you’re not caught flat if it happens.

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    9. Bruce*

      As an engineer my observation has been that Marketing and Sales are often replaced after any ownership change, leadership in those areas seems to be very feudal and want to bring in their own teams. So beware and good hunting!

      Reply ↓
  5. my cat is prettier than me*

    A few times in the past couple months, I’ve had food go missing from the company fridge. We were able to determine that it was one of our overnight security guys. My boss discovered that the employee was temporarily homeless, and bought him a lot a food and put it in the security office. At the same time, I got a lock for my lunch box, and the theft stopped.

    I’m really torn on the situation. On the one hand, food insecurity is awful and I feel bad that the employee was experiencing that. On the other hand, he was stealing my food (and only my food). I have food security, but I’m not really swimming in money. I also have ARFID (an eating disorder), and he was stealing my “safe food.” My boss and our COO kind of treated it like one big joke.

    The situation is resolved, but I still feel weird about it. I guess I’m not really looking for advice, just thinking out loud.

    Reply ↓
    1. I'm Monica but wished I was Phoebe*

      Sometimes you just have to let this be an experience in life that doesn’t require a lot of thought, discourse, or solution as you noted. personally, my sympathies would go towards their shelter and food insecurity. A lock on your lunch box makes perfect sense regardless.

      It’d be nice to know that leadership talks to this person and let them know that this isn’t how to solve their situation.

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    2. mreasy*

      I’m glad that leadership has done something. I wonder if the person has tastes similar to your ARFID needs and just learned to prefer your foods when facing desperation/hunger, hence the targeting.

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    3. Hlao-roo*

      Two things can be true! The security guy was in a bad way (food security-wise), and his “solution” had a negative impact on you. An impact that was worse (because of ARFID) than if he had been stealing a can-and-will-eat-anything coworker’s food.

      Sorry that your boss and COO treated your stolen food like a joke, that’s a jerk move on both their parts.

      I am glad to hear that the original issue was resolved on both ends–he got the food he needed, and now your food is secure from future thefts.

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    4. Kimchi*

      The unspoken question is, “Should I feel bad about him when it was affecting me negatively?”
      Yes, he was in a tight spot, but stealing your food was NOT OKAY. Especially not with your circumstances. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, even if it got him to a better situation. And you can be glad he’s in a better situation, while also being miffed about him messing with your safe food.

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      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        For all he knows, you are also having problems affording food. Making this your problem without your knowledge or consent was not okay.

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    5. Tio*

      Yeah, this just kind of sucks all around. I also have ARFID and I’ve always been kinda careful and nervous about protecting my food. Also, the boss and COO could use a little compassion here – even without knowing about the ARFID they must know someone has food insecurity and they’re treating it like a joke. I’m glad they got it stopped, but come on.

      On an ARFID related topic, my boss just invited us all to lunch at a restaurant he knows I can’t eat anything at… again. (I have camouflaged my ARFID under one of my other issues, but he does still know I can’t eat there because he already did it once and I told him.) He’s overall a good guy, but this is starting to bother me.

      Reply ↓
      1. Paint N Drip*

        I personally think the sting about things like this is the constant demeaning, misunderstanding, and ‘othering’ of ARFID (and for me, other neurodivergent things) – having your food choices/needs chuckled at or joked about, having to skip yet another team lunch, defending your same lunch every day… it’s just a constant trickle of feeling othered, and it erodes your sense of self a bit.
        Sorry your boss sucks and doesn’t understand, both Tio and My Cat

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    6. EA*

      This is a tough stiuation, but I actually feel like this was handled really well all around, except the part of your boss treating it as a joke – but I wonder if that was your perception (which is understandable!), while your boss might have been trying to downplay the issue for other reasons. I understand why you feel weird and annoyed about it, but I’d just try to move on.

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      1. anon for this one*

        I lean this way as well. Without doubting OP’s perception that their eating disorder was treated as a joke (btw my teen has ARFID; it is real) I wonder – since the outcome was that the person stealing experienced consequences and the issue was overall addressed – if the “joking” may have been an awkward attempt to make it feel like less of a big deal for OP. Happy it was resolved and hope it stays that way.

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    7. Pay no attention...*

      So, when my office had a thief that turned out to be the night custodian, management made sure that everyone who had food or items stolen was made whole on the theft… it was honor system because all of the theft was petty and no one would have a receipt/proof of a missing USB cord, quarters in a drawer for the vending machine, yogurt, can of soda, etc. Your boss shouldn’t be treating the theft (breach of trust and security) as a joke and you shouldn’t be responsible for buying a lock for your lunch box.

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    8. Ann O'Nemity*

      It sounds like you’re processing some conflicting emotions about the situation, and that’s totally understandable. On one hand, the empathy you feel for someone experiencing food insecurity is admirable. It’s clear you want to be compassionate. On the other hand, the fact that it impacted your personal food, especially considering your ARFID, adds a layer of complexity that’s uniquely challenging for you.

      Your boss and COO helped the security employee, but what did they do for you? Did they make you whole? Did they compensate your losses or pay for the lock? No, they treated it as a joke. I’d be miffed too.

      Reply ↓
      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        This exactly. You can have compassion for someone in a desperate and terrible situation, and it’s wonderful that your bosses stepped up to help them out. But they also should have made you whole too, not joked around and ignored that you also were going hungry, while having to incur expenses to prevent from going hungry again.

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    9. Indolent Libertine*

      I saw this a while back on Captain Awkward. It appeared in a different context, about creepy behavior and whether “being socially awkward” should be a get-out-0f-jail-free card for same, but I think it’s applicable here.

      “If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
      If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
      If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
      If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
      If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot…”

      He was stepping on your foot. His being homeless and hungry didn’t negate the fact that his stealing your food had a negative impact on you. You’re allowed to feel violated and imposed upon and insist that it stop, regardless of whether there were reasons behind it.

      And I’m sorry that the higher-ups treated it like a joke.

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    11. Ellis Bell*

      I think this is a great reminder to leaders to be sensitive to things that happen to employees/employee’s belongings at work, and that it doesn’t take long to just check in and ask people if they are okay. Also, to not assume that because you wouldn’t mind a lunch going missing, the employee wouldn’t mind and it’s all a funny ha ha joke. I don’t have an eating disorder, but if my safe-for-my-allergy lunch goes missing, I’m going to have a miserable, faint headed day. I think the only way I wouldn’t be furious is if it was for something like someone struggling with food security, but understanding that isn’t going to magically undo the feelings or the day of wondering why someone took my stuff. You also just feel a bit violated when someone takes something of yours, especially if it’s private or personal to you. One time our cameras at work caught some boys going through my teacher trolley; luckily I didn’t feel violated because I only had professional stuff in there and none of it was confidential, but my leadership was really concerned for me and checked in with me even though nothing was taken. The boys in question were actually hungry too, and looking for something to eat, but that didn’t cause anyone to treat it as a joke, funnily enough.

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  6. betsybug*

    My employer recently started using a matrix for interviews/hiring. For some reason, it’s making me really uncomfortable. A couple of things that I can actually explain are the fact that all categories are evenly weighted regardless of the role (e.g., our Building and Maintenance Techs who don’t even their own computers get the same points for computer skills as our data team or IT). Kind of in the same vein but something I feel very strongly about is the fact that there is a line for education (again, regardless of the role) and I just don’t think that getting a PhD actually adds value to most of our roles (I can only think of a couple that are actually served by a Master’s even) so I don’t think people should get additional points just because they have more formal education; especially, when there are so many issues with higher education, access and underserved communities in the US.

    I am wondering if anyone is familiar with any studies related to using matrices or rubrics for hiring and their effectiveness in mitigating bias (the reason they have implemented this) or even folks’ anecdotal experience. I am totally open to hearing that my concerns are unfounded/just my own issues. I am not in HR so I am not familiar with research or resources in this area but I do a fair amount of hiring.

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    1. UnCivilServant*

      That sounds like a facepalmingly poor implementation of a method for improving merit-based hiring.

      I’ve seen it done where the matrix is drawn up for a given position and all candidates rated against the requirements of the job, but rating candidates for all jobs against the same metrics is not going to get you the best person for any job.

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      1. MsSolo (UK)*

        Yes, this has a strong feeling of someone who’s found a general matrix online and is using it as a template for everything, instead of having hiring managers pick out the 3-5 aspects they need to score on, laying those out in the advert, and only scoring applications and interviews against those (which is important, because part of the equity element is that you shouldn’t be scoring on anything unrelated to the role, like the possession of a PhD when it’s not needed, because that’s reintroducing bias)

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      2. anonymous anteater*

        totally agree.
        There is research showing that a matrix, based on clearly defined criteria can reduce bias. This needs to happen before any applications are reviewed, so as not to inadvertently tailor criteria to a particular applicant or type of person. Also, it really should be the start of the process so you incorporate those criteria in the job posting, which increases your chances of getting suitable applicants.
        But not tailoring the matrix to the role is ridiculous. Also, there is still potential for bias when scoring each applicant, so relying on perfect objectivity because you used a matrix is dangerous.
        There is a great comprehensive hiring guide from the university of Wisconsin, that refers to a lot of the relevant research, from page 51 they talk about selecting candidates. Just ignore the parts that are very specific to academia.
        https://wiseli.wisc.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/662/2018/11/SearchBook_Wisc.pdf

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    2. Miss Patty*

      Applicant screening grids can be very helpful in reducing bias if used in the right way. Like another commenter mentioned, each screening grid should be drawn up and customized to reflect the unique qualifications of each individual job. Only people who already meet the minimum required qualifications should be placed on the screening grid, which is used to narrow down applicants using preferred qualifications and experience to see who is going to be invited to an interview.

      There is data out there that shows that requiring college degrees for jobs that don’t really require it can result in a disparate impact against minority applicants. More and more it is recommended to really scrutinize educations requirements to see if they are really required or preferred in order to do the job. If you have any kind of influence with your employer, you could express your concerns that you may be missing out on great candidates because the scale is weighted unfairly in favor of those with irrelevant education and experience (like PhDs), or you could approach from the “avoiding litigation risk” angle and share information that shows the unfair impact of these hiring practices on certain minority groups.

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    3. Cordelia*

      it really sounds like your employer has misunderstood the point of matrices! We do use something similar but a different one would be drawn up for each job role. We’d only give extra points for PhD’s, for example, if that would genuinely be an asset in the specific role. The level of computer skills required would be different for each job role and the matrix would reflect this. If used for a maintenance technician, I assume (I don’t hire for these roles) ours would have extra points given for specific relevant maintenance skills, that an IT professional would be unlikely to achieve. Using the same matrix for each role is nonsensical!

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    4. spcepickle*

      We use a matrix / scoring template for all our hiring. But it is based on the job descriptions. It really just means we ask each candidate the same (job based) questions and then score them. Using one matrix for every job is silly for the reasons you stated.

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    5. Margaret Cavendish*

      so I don’t think people should get additional points just because they have more formal education; especially, when there are so many issues with higher education, access and underserved communities in the US.

      You should definitely lean on this. It’s a DEI issue, as it has a disproportionate impact on women and racialized people. It’s more than just people with degrees scoring higher in the interview – it’s that people without degrees will be screened out before they even apply.

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    6. House On The Rock*

      As others have said, this is not the way these tools are supposed to be used! My organization recommends using them, but basing it on the required qualifications for the specific job (they recommend not even scoring on “desired”, and certainly not for the first round of screenings).

      If you are in charge of hiring, you definitely have standing to push back on this. I’d also actively ignore areas that are not directly applicable to the job. So for “educational level”, if you don’t see an advantage to have an advanced degree, give everyone the same score/no score so it’s a wash. But really, raise this with HR as not only misguided but also a big equity red flag!

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  7. Jane*

    I’ve just started working in the federal government and it’s been explained to me that most office workers aren’t as “active” on Fridays as they are during the normal work week. I have coworkers who have said that they don’t like sending certain things on Fridays, like training requirements or other tasks, because there’s a general understanding that Fridays are for catching up and doing light admin work rather than getting down to brass tacks.

    My perception is that I could get a lot done on Fridays and I don’t actually like feeling as if no one is available for substantive questions, or feeling like I can’t fire off an email if necessary; I also don’t like the emails on Monday or Tuesday from people implying that things are now a “rush” because we’ve all collectively decided that Friday doesn’t count anymore. So how much can I avoid to buck the norm without everyone getting mad? I feel like I’d rather receive a couple of emails during normal business hours on a Friday rather than having them sent super early on a Monday morning, but maybe that’s literally just me.

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    1. Kesnit*

      Former Federal employee here.
      Yes, Friday’s are typically more laid back days. That doesn’t mean no work gets done on Fridays. It just means that things are moving a little slower that day. Feel free to fire off an email; no one is going to be angry if you reach out that day. And take advantage of the fact that people aren’t pushing you to work on things for your own workload.

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    2. Friday Hopeful*

      Who is telling you this? Is it just a few people you work with or the whole agency? I would do you and not worry about the culture, especially if it is coming from the immediate people around you. If they don’t answer promptly that’s on them, not you.

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      1. Jane*

        It’s been both people from my agency (within my department and in my/other units) and another I work closely with.

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      2. ThatGirl*

        I would generally agree with “do you” but also… temper your expectations. If someone doesn’t get back to you ASAP or with the same sense of urgency you have that’s just the way it is.

        Reply ↓
        1. Jane*

          I don’t have as much of a problem with people not getting back to me ASAP, it’s them getting irritated or surprised that I’m reaching out on a Friday.

          Reply ↓
          1. Michelle Smith*

            Can you not schedule the emails on Friday to be sent on Monday? It seems like it would be easier to try and adopt the culture of the office you’re working in rather than continuing to surprise or annoy people.

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          2. ThatGirl*

            As much as I like to also take Fridays to catch up, do deeper work and just chill a bit, I can’t imagine getting irritated at someone who IS reaching out. As long as you’re not scheduling meetings. :)

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          3. Carla*

            I like Michelle Smith’s suggestion. You could also try, if you do send things on Friday, adding a friendly line or phrase indicating you’re not expecting a response right away. Like you, I would much prefer getting the emails on Friday than all in a rush Monday morning, but maybe if people are used to operating that way, they’re assuming your Friday emails are just as urgent.

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          4. WantonSeedStitch*

            Frame it as a favor: “Hey, I’m not expecting a response on this until next week, but I wanted to give you time to think about it so you don’t feel rushed on Monday.”

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    3. MsSolo (UK)*

      I can’t speak for the US, but in the UK people who work part time or compressed hours often has Friday as their non working day (and if people are taking leave they’ll time it around weekends, so are more likely to be on leave on a Friday than a Wednesday), so it’s quieter because there’s fewer people around overall. My inbox is quieter today, but there’s no weirdness about sending emails on a Friday as long as you know the reply won’t come any quicker, in most cases, than if you sent it on Monday.

      Reply ↓
      1. londonedit*

        I was going to say much the same. There’s an unspoken rule where I work that you don’t arrange internal meetings for Fridays, and we have a lot of people who either work four days a week or who work compressed hours and finish at lunchtime on a Friday. Friday is definitely a much quieter day. That’s not to say you can’t send emails on a Friday, but the likelihood of getting a response is much lower, and you shouldn’t expect a particularly speedy reply. A lot of people where I work use Fridays for things like reading manuscripts or tackling work that needs concentration, because of the lack of interruptions from meetings and emails – so in turn they’re likely to be paying less attention to their inbox.

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    4. Dr. Doll*

      This is why I hated summer 4/10 work weeks at my institution (M-Th, F campus was closed). Thursdays turned into Fridays, and no one actually worked an entire 7am to 6pm day on M-W. We lost at least 35% productivity in summer, despite 13-hr days when you counted the commute.

      So sorry, no advice, just commiseration, and as others have said, just do your job at your own pace but maybe plan ahead a little for people not being as responsive on Fridays.

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    5. RagingADHD*

      You can be as productive as you want without ruffling feathers by using the “schedule send” options on email or chat.

      Fire it off today, they get it first thing Monday, everyone is happy. And if you’re getting a bunch of stuff on Monday that isn’t actually urgent, save it to do on Friday.

      If everyone else is in a cycle of using Friday as a catch-up day, then you can catch up on their requests too.

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    6. spcepickle*

      I work for state government and I love my quiet Fridays. I am a manger and I telework on Fridays. Because I am at home I only get interrupted if something dramatic enough happens for my team to call me. Also as many others have said – we have a strong culture of flexible work schedules and many people don’t work on Fridays. This might just need to be a culture shift for you. I still send emails and call people if necessary, but in the long run you might find having a day of deep concentration is really useful.

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    7. former supe*

      Fellow fed, this is true generally because plenty of people are taking three day weekends, working compressed schedules, etc. I’ve never been told or felt that *I* had to dial it back, feel free to crank out whatever you want with the understanding that you may not get replies until Mon or Tue.

      The point where it becomes a faux-pas, in my opinion, is if you try to start scheduling brass-tacks meetings on Friday without checking in with people. At every agency I’ve worked at, there are “Core Hours” (usually Tues-Thurs, roughly 10am-2pm) where most people are expected to be available and meetings can get scheduled. I’ve worked jobs where Friday DOES end up being a “lighter” admin day because I’ve been in back to back meetings every other day and had no time to do paperwork otherwise. You start taking my admin time because you want to blow full steam ahead on something that can wait until the next core hours block, I’m gonna start getting grumpy with you.

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      1. A Significant Tree*

        Also a fed and I agree with the points about how it’s quieter on Fridays at least partly due to people having every other Friday as their scheduled day off. I’ve had serious meetings scheduled for Friday (even the afternoons!) and other Fridays when it’s been super quiet. Although most meeting invites come with a small apology for scheduling on a Friday, they aren’t delayed unless the key people are out of office and can’t support.

        I do use Fridays a lot for clearing out the backlog of emails and tasks, so it’s good from that perspective. But I’ve never felt I couldn’t do real work or send questions – the perception is it’s quieter but not that you are expected not to work like you would any other day.

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    8. Strive to Excel*

      Not a federal employee, but office worker. Go ahead and send your emails on Friday, whenever you need them. If it’s during core business hours, do core business hour tasks.

      The only thing I would avoid would be starting projects on a Friday if they are non-urgent. Schedule Monday/Tuesday meetings to get them started, sure. But I generally find it unhelpful to get a few hours in on a new project and then walk away from it for two days. When you come back you end up spending almost as much time remembering what you were doing as making progress. Fridays are a good time for dealing with “little” questions, getting things ready for review, and planning out your next week.

      Reply ↓
    9. Katie*

      I would do your work as normal, including sending those emails but understand that you may not get a response on Friday. Don’t schedule meetings (or as much as you can) on Fridays either.

      During the summer my company has ‘quiet Fridays’ and honestly its nice not to have as many meetings on Friday…

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    10. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      Living in the DC metro area I know a ton of feds, and the entire point for most agencies is getting stuff done on Fridays – everyone has that, whether it’s catching up on email or uninterrupted writing time or whatever. So feel free to ask questions or fire off an email, just don’t schedule recurring meetings or training sessions or whatever.

      Reply ↓
    11. govvie*

      I’m a current US fed employee, and Fridays in my office are only quieter in the sense that we have a culture of not scheduling major meetings on Fridays because pre-pandemic, many people were remote on Fridays. But everyone is engaged and working (unless they’re off, which happens more if there is an upcoming Monday holiday).

      That said, the US fed gov is huge and the culture can vary a lot from office to office. I’d go to some one you trust for clarification about what would and wouldn’t be appropriate in your office.

      Reply ↓
    12. jenny*

      I’m a Fed and I’ve never heard it put that way. But I think a lot of offices (both gov’t and private) work that way. I’d basically do what works best for you, but know that responses might not be as quick. I’ll also add that a lot of people have flexible schedules where they work 9 hour days and get every other Friday off. That probably plays into it too.

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    13. Momma Bear*

      Some of it may also be AWS (alternative work schedule) days. If half the A team is out every other Friday, then it might make sense to pivot to less crucial items until the following week. I’d also tell repeat offenders “I’m here on Fridays so if you think something needs to be moving, please send it to me so we can be ahead of the curve come Monday.” Or if you know there’s always a report due see what steps you can get rolling Thursday so you have work to do on Friday.

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    14. Policy Wonk*

      Fed here. At my agency Fridays are often very busy on the policy side, trying to get things done before the weekend. On the administrative and management side, things are slower as people who are on alternate work schedules often use Friday as the flex day, and those who are in are wrapping up projects. If something needs to be done on Friday, of course you can send messages. But if you are sending a general “it’s time to do your annual cybersecurity training” message you are better off holding it until sometime Monday so it doesn’t get buried in the inbox.

      Reply ↓
  8. BellaStella*

    Share your work joys this week with us!

    My joys were discovering how to use an online design tool well enough and fast enough to make nice layouts and getting asked to make two slides for a higher up person to discuss my work at a big meeting.

    And it is only 11 weeks til end of the year.

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    1. English Rose*

      Getting a nomination from a coworker for our monthly best employee award! I didn’t win but SO nice to get a nomination.

      Reply ↓
    2. Watry*

      I was brave and had an important conversation with my boss! Also I was reasonably busy this week because closures from Hurricane Helene backed me up, which is nice as I usually don’t have much to do.

      Reply ↓
    3. ThatGirl*

      I had an article published in an industry magazine, and I got to send out a Mean Girls themed marketing email that was well-received! (And if any of my immediate coworkers are reading this, you will immediately recognize me haha)

      Reply ↓
    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My hospital system officially announced this morning that we are going to implement Epic. It’s going to be a huge project with so many moving parts, and the go-live date is mid-2027, but it’s the beginning of a journey that is going to be SUCH an improvement for both our team members and our patients and I am STOKED. (Right now we’re a Cerner house with a ton of third-party systems, almost none of which are actually designed to support a system of our size and complexity, and having modules that just Work Together, at a scale that actually will accommodate us, is a DREAM. This will replace at least 3.5 systems that I use daily.)

      Reply ↓
      1. They're cutting down trees today*

        My brother is on the EPIC IT team at a county hospital in a major metro. They just moved to a new hospital location and it’s been A long transition of building the system, then physically building the system, implementing the system and allowing it to go live. and all. they had a baby born 1 hour into opening the new doors. He really enjoys what he does to help healthcare practitioners do their jobs better.

        Reply ↓
    5. German Shepherdess*

      It’s certainly been a joyful week for me – I got a promotion! I’m now a Lead Developer. It’s especially good because I’ve been here less than a year, and I left a company that I’d worked in a long time but had no future in – the development team was really top heavy and I was increasingly feeling like I was being pushed out. I found out a couple of weeks ago that they’re making a bunch of layoffs and I’m absolutely certain my name would have been on the list. Whereas my new company is in really good financial standing, growing consistently but sustainably, and my new manager is absolutely wonderful and really supportive.

      Reply ↓
    6. In the middle*

      Getting an assistant hired and trained so I’m now only doing the work of two people, not three!!! I was the squeaky wheel to get it done, but goodness, it’s better than the stress.

      Reply ↓
    7. anonymous anteater*

      I spoke up to relay concerns I’ve been hearing from entry level people in one particular team, where senior staff create an unproductive team environment that is completely out of touch with our espoused expectations of a respectful workplace. It’s also really important to the business, because all these people including entry level are here to have creative ideas, so it’s very counterproductive to quash people’s confidence all the time.
      It was not as scary as I thought, the response was a lukewarm ‘yeah, I’ve also been concerned with that team, we’re trying to make some changes’. I hope to keep pushing the subject, as we are talking a big talk about our values.

      Reply ↓
    9. Mimmy*

      Our manager retired last week. This is not the joyful part; the joyful part is that the supervisor that is taking over the day-to-day work (at least until we get a new manager) seems to be making little changes that will be really helpful. The first change? There are actually going to be notes taken during the meetings to document topics discussed and action items noted. Why this was never implemented before is beyond my comprehension (I always took my own notes).

      Reply ↓
    10. LuckyPurpleSocks*

      I requested an individual training from another department on a certain software that I’m having to use in a “trial by fire” situation until my office can fill the position for the person who should be an expert on it. The person I trained with was super nice and patient walking me through it, and pointed out some tips and tricks that will help make my work a little easier. It was very much appreciated!

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    11. allathian*

      My 15 year old fixed his first (unpaid) internship, two weeks in a popular hardware store. He submitted an application by email and took a call from the intern manager on his lunch break. Then he went with my husband to the store and signed a contract. The school required a signature by one parent but the employer didn’t. All students in his grade are supposed to do this so big employers usually have a process in place for this.

      I’m so proud of him and he’s really looking forward to it.

      Reply ↓
  9. Mouse*

    The office where I work is FREEZING! I brought in a small throw blanket to keep at my desk, which has been a big help. I was googling around for other things that might help and found an article (I think on Corporette) that made a comment about how it would be ridiculous to bring in a blanket! Will people think I’m being silly if they see me sitting at my cubicle with a small blanket? Is this a corporate no-no?

    Reply ↓
    2. English Rose*

      Maybe keep the blanket on your lap rather than round your shoulders. But layers are your friend here – t-shirt, shirt, sweater, gilet. You may end up Michelin Man, but so what!

      Reply ↓
    3. Ripley*

      My office is also freezing, and I have a fuzzy throw blanket that I keep folded under my desk, and I put it over my lap and legs on the particularly bad days. You can’t even really tell it’s there if I’m working at my computer. I also have an electric heating pad that I put between my back and the chair sometimes, and that helps too.

      My feeling is if they’re not going to heat the office to a comfortable temperature, I’m going to do what I have to do.

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    4. ArlynPage*

      I’ve even brought in a small space heater to keep me warm, in addition to a light down jacket (like something colorful you get from Uniqlo), a little fleece blanket, scarf, and fingerless gloves. I grew up and currently live in cold climates, and generally run cold. It’s terrible!

      Oh, also, I wear thin underlayers (also from Uniqlo) under all of my clothes as soon as the temps dip below 40F.

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      1. Anon for This*

        My office doesn’t allow space heaters (fire hazard). My colleague’s go-to is to sit on a heating pad, or prop it at her back – she says it works to resolve the issue. Me, I have a throw blanket in a neutral office gray – people never seem to notice it.

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    5. Flor*

      My guess is this is one of the things that depends on workplace culture and dress code. If it’s a more laid back environment, like smart casual or jeans-and-t-shirt tech, then I don’t think anyone will bat an eye at a blanket; I used to have a coworker who kept a throw blanket over the back of her chair and would wrap it around herself like an enormous shawl (while two desks down I was sweating in a t-shirt, proof you can never find a comfortable temperature for everyone!).

      If it’s something more conservative like law or finance, then I don’t think a blanket will fly, but if you’re that cold indoors then something like long underwear might help?

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    6. EA*

      I think it’s fine as long as it’s in “professional” colors, like not a blanket with neon cartoons on it for example. I lived in an apartment with a roommate who hated turning on the heat and those microwaveable corn bags saved me – so cozy!

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    7. Roy G. Biv*

      A former coworker used an electric heating pad that fit the seat of her office chair, that was meant to be sat upon, and how it really helped her feel warmer at the core. Of course, her hands were still like ice.

      Reply ↓
      1. UpstateDownstate*

        I was going to also suggest this – it’s a life saver and it doesn’t cause me to zone out like the white noise of a space heater (which I LOVE but not at work).

        Reply ↓
        1. Roy G. Biv*

          My company had banned space heaters because of various reasons, including the noise and too many of them running at once tripped breakers. (I never found out how many was too many. 2? 11?)

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      2. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I have one that goes around my shoulders and it is great. It’s actually a massage pad but has a heating element that can be turned on or off. Of course, I’m not sure how professional it looks to have it wrapped around one’s shoulders, but even just using it in the morning for a little while helps me get warm enough that I won’t need it for the rest of the day.

        I do think, though, that blankets are fine if your office isn’t super dressy. If it is a nice throw, it will just look like a big scarf. And if your office is super dressy and you think the blanket will look out of place, just invest in a scarf/shawl or two to take the place of your blanket. I’m always surprised how much warmer I can be if I just have my neck covered vs. uncovered.

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      3. Admin of Sys*

        They make heated wrist rests for mice (and mouse caves, though I personally hate the caves.) The wrist wrests keep my hands toasty warm, they’re so nice.

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    8. Tio*

      Blankets can be fine in most settings, and I have fingerless gloves I sometimes wear. But might be better to ask around your office and see if anyone thinks it’s weird rather than here; some places might get really weird about it, but most won’t care.

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    9. Miss Patty*

      I have seen coworkers in the past who were criticized for wearing a blanket over their shoulders at their desk, and I can agree that this would look a bit unprofessional. HOWEVER, I also run cold, and I don’t think there is any problem with having a throw blanket draped over your lap (even better, a heated blanket!). For my shoulders, I keep a very warm, soft shawl in my office, which is basically a more socially acceptable way to wear a blanket over your shoulders.

      I don’t recommend space heaters unless you check with the appropriate people to make sure you are not overpowering any electrical outlets – in my office we have triggered blackouts before because too many people had space heaters running.

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    10. ThatGirl*

      My office varies wildly between freezing and stifling, but when it’s cold I have seen everything from shawls to full-blown blankets and small space heaters. So I wouldn’t worry too much about it as long as it’s not, I dunno, a blanket with a naked anime woman on it or something.

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    11. anotherfan*

      Heavens, we have electric blankets on our knees because it’s so cold, especially in the summer! It’s not unusual for our boss to wear a coat AND HAT during teams calls from her office; we all have sweaters on the backs of our chairs and scarves in our desk drawers. Yes, we’re kind of jokey about it, as are teammates in other offices, but you can’t work when you’re cold. Do what you need to stay warm!

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    12. Pay no attention...*

      I probably wouldn’t go with a blanket and my office is business casual. That’s a little too casual. I noticed that the office is colder in the summer here because the air conditioner is on constantly, and that’s also when I wear summer-appropriate clothes. So I keep layers of light, medium, and warm sweaters/jackets in the office, and if my feet are cold, the whole rest of me is cold, so I keep a pair of warm close-toed shoes, like loafers, to change out of my sandals if necessary.

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    13. Dust Bunny*

      I have a rather thick jacket (Old Navy faux-tweed lined blazer) that I just leave at work all the time. It looks OK, is warm enough, and I’m not emotionally invested in it in the event something happens to it. A blanket would be a bit restrictive for what I do, and . . . we’re less formal than corporate but I suspect that, yes, it might look pretty eccentric.

      My first office jacket many years ago was actually a reproduction Union Army sack coat that I bought off of my brother. It was plain navy blue (except for the brass buttons) so it didn’t look that odd. It finally looked too genuinely antique for office wear, though, and had to be retired to the scrap pile.

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    14. Ama*

      My last in office job, parts of the office were so cold that senior management gave us blankets one year as our end of year gift.

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    15. Vienna*

      I think it really depends on your office culture! I’m an executive assistant at a very laid back accounting firm. Most of the office runs really hot, so I am always FREEZING since the temperature is kept low to help. Every member of the administrative team has a blanket (or two!) at their desk/in their office. I was the first to bring one in because I figured if it’s normal for men to be wearing shorts and flip flops in the summer, nobody would bat an eye at a blanket. Within a week there were 4 other blanketed desks! If you feel like you’re in a more formal environment, I would suggest getting a really thick knitted cardigan. I’ve got a couple that almost feel like I’m wearing a snuggie, but would be much more appropriate for an office that places greater emphasis on appearing professional.

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    16. Paint N Drip*

      This would have been full-on gossip creating territory at a former job that really valued optics and old-school professionalism. This would have been totally normal at a different job.

      My current go-to is a big warm scarf (like a woven fabric that appears like a style choice, rather than like a fleece scarf or something that reads ‘arctic performance’) which tends to go rather unnoticed

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    17. Strive to Excel*

      There are electric gloves on the market! My brother used them extensively for skiing, but they can be work on the day to day as well. Great for chilly fingers, and somewhat less obtrusive than a blanket if you don’t want to have something that bulky.

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    18. Too Long Til Retirement*

      I work in a business casual office, and I run cold nearly 24/7. There are maaaaaybe 3 weeks the entire year where I am comfortable in my office. The AC is set too cold in the summer, and the heat is not set warm enough in the winter.

      I have had a small space heater that has gotten daily use 6 months a year for now 13 years. Best $25 I have ever spent! I also have work-branded fleece jackets, and I keep a poncho that can work as a blanket on hand. I don’t think that a light blanket in neutral color will be a problem at all, and I also recommend a small space heater.

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    19. Everything Bagel*

      I think a throw blanket across your lap is fine, plus you could bring in a cozy jacket to keep your desk. I worked in corporate offices where half the department had throw blankets and coats on. It really shouldn’t look odd, I mean you’re just cold, right? I used to keep a navy blue quilted jacket at my desk, which I picked up for cheap at Target just for this purpose. It’s great to have handy in case you have to go to a cold conference room for a meeting, too. I would not bring a throw a blanket to a meeting though!

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      1. Everything Bagel*

        Meant to add it was a business casual environment. I usually wore dress slacks and sweaters or dresses, and I don’t think the waist-length jacket stood out from my outfit or anything anyone else was wearing. I think any jacket/blazer/sport coat/chunky sweater that’s neutral, clean, and fits properly should be fine.

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    20. RetailIsDetail*

      I have some health issues that mean I’m usually cold, so here’s what’s helped me at work:
      – a thin wool scarf around my neck (can become a wrap around the shoulders in a pinch!)
      – fingerless gloves (a neutral/skin tone color might not stand out as much in a corporate environment?)
      – disposable hand-warmers like Hot Hands that last for 8-10 hours (can be discretely tucked into the fingerless gloves)
      – disposable foot-warmers (these attach to your the bottom of your socks — instant comfort!)
      Good luck surviving the Siberian office! :)

      Reply ↓
      1. epicdemiologist*

        Here’s a tip about chemical hand warmers (which I used extensively at our outdoor COVID testing site): The chemical reaction depends on exposure to air (oxygen), so if you seal them in a Ziplock bag with as much air as possible squeezed out–they STOP HEATING and you can use them again the next day! (Just take them out of the bag and shake them up!)

        Also: if you have the small size, you can tuck them into your socks on the top of your foot (not under your foot).

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    21. Nesprin*

      There are blankets and then there are pashminas, ruanas, oversized scarves and other “not a blanket” blankets. I’d suggest getting a blanket that codes “article of clothing” over “could go on a bed”

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    22. A Simple Narwhal*

      Get a heating pad! If you clip on the back of your chair (between your back and the chair) it will keep you super warm! Offices usually don’t mind heating pads because they all have auto-off switches and they’re really subtle so you won’t get any funny looks.

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    23. Momma Bear*

      I have an extra fleece jacket I keep at my desk and can put on my lap if I need to. It’s less bulky than a blanket and I can wear it if I need to. I also have a small space heater that really just heats the area under my desk.

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    24. Elizabeth West*

      I have a nice pashmina I keep in my backpack to wrap around my shoulders. It’s made of wool and silk so it keeps me pretty warm and looks a little better than a blanket. If you have something like that, it might make a good alternative.

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    25. Box of Kittens*

      I think this depends on your company culture. I work in an industry that is traditionally fairly conservative, but I see managers and VP-level folks with blankets all the time (more commonly when they’re on Zoom in their own office but I’ve also been in in-person meetings where VP-level people brought blankets to meet with other VP-level people). I feel like it’s probably fine at your desk as long as you’re not cocooned in it and can get out of it/looking professional quickly.

      Reply ↓
  10. A Poster Has No Name*

    Does anyone have experience in a business unit that was sold from one big corp to another? Any tips/advice? We’re not being bought as a standalone, we’re integrated pretty thoroughly with our current company (who did buy the business as a startup in the 90s) so we’re going to be untangling all of that in addition having to integrate with the new (shittier) company.

    I’ve been with current company 22 years and I’m on the struggle bus. It was just announced, not closed yet (pending regulatory approval), so we know pretty much nothing yet about how it will all go down.

    Reply ↓
    1. ArtK*

      I’ve been through several Murders and Executions, er Mergers and Acquisitions. They’ve run the gamut from no problem to total disaster. A lot will depend on whether the new company has ever done this before and what lessons they learned if they did. It also depends on where the touch-points were with the old company and what will replace them with the new. Corporate culture can be a big, big issue. I worked for a small company that was bought and merged into a very large and very old company; they kept reminding us that they were “109 years old.” They suffered from hardening of the attitudes and an incredible amount of worthless paperwork. Corporate politics also came into play.

      Just in case, start polishing your resume. You may not need it, but it’s better to be prepared.

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    2. Turingtested*

      When my company went through this there were a few workers who just couldn’t accept the changes. (In my opinion, positive changes pushing us towards standardization and automating repetitive tasks.)

      Most of that group moved on, but a few stayed and fought everything until they were fired.

      If you don’t like where things are going, please make sure you’re in the former group and not the latter.

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    3. A Simple Narwhal*

      I agree that it’s a good idea to start polishing your resume and start a casual job hunt. I know not all acquisitions go horribly, but enough of them do that it can’t hurt to get a headstart on prepping your life raft. Hopefully everything will go great and you don’t have to jump ship, but it’s better to have everything ready and not need it than find yourself scrambling (or having to job hunt while you’re completely miserable at work, which is its own level of hell).

      Good luck!

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    4. Trout 'Waver*

      It’s an excellent time to reevaluate whether the job meets your requirements. If it doesn’t anymore, start looking.

      Also, if the good middle managers start leaving, you need to go too.

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    5. Momma Bear*

      Keep your eyes open, trust no promises, and be ready to leave if things get sketchy. One job they said things would stay the same and 6 months in they scrambled our benefits and reduced our PTO. I lasted maybe a year after acquisition.

      Reply ↓
  11. Coldhands*

    Any tips on how to stay calm and measured during stressful meetings when your response to stress is to shake and get out of breath? I’ve always been this way, and it’s really hindered my ability to sound professional if fight or flight starts kicking in. I think I’ve mostly gotten to an okay point, especially on Zoom, but I’d appreciate any advice! I work with folks who have extremely strong personalities and they frequently clash, hence the stress response.

    Reply ↓
    1. They're cutting down trees today*

      This is what I learned in therapy: visualize your body and start from your toes and work your way up and wiggle them and feel them and focus on them and then move to the next body part and then the next body part until you get to the top of your head. While it may sound challenging to simultaneously engage in the meeting as well as your body, You can learn to do both over time. It’s a really great way to place an invisible boundary between what’s happening at the meeting. that’s not so great while focusing on your personal biomechanics. All

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    4. Joielle*

      Personally, I use beta blockers. They’re commonly used for performance anxiety but work well in this situation too. You have to take them about a half hour in advance, but if you know you’re going to have a stressful day, big meeting, presentation, etc they can be a lifesaver!

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    5. RagingADHD*

      Adrenaline, once released, needs to be burned off. If you are on Zoom, can you turn your camera off and do something fairly strenuous, like push-ups or jumping jacks?

      Another (less obtrusive) technique for managing nerves that has helped me in the past is to firmly massage my ears while taking a deep breath, especially the earlobes and the nerve cluster in the soft spot just behind the ear lobes – in that little divot between the jawbone and the base of the skull.

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      1. Double A*

        Yeah, my first thought is some kind of movement. If you know going into it it’s going to be stressful, can you move in advance? Do you have as standing desk so you could do some light movement during the meeting? Thinking putty is also quite helpful for this.

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    7. Paint N Drip*

      Adrenaline always needs a place to go – I tend to bop my legs around, play piano fingers on my lap, or have a silent fidget toy, just something to get the tension out while appearing normal from the waist up :)

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    8. spcepickle*

      Clench some of your big muscles, in meetings I often do legs, as tight as you can, hold for a breath, release with an out breath. It can help release the flight or fight response. Also keep a little bag of super sour candy with you. If things get really bad pop in a sour candy. There is science that your brain becomes so focused on the strong input it distracts from the anxiety.

      Lastly if it is two other people going at it and they are not coming for you – can you visualize yourself somewhere else. Give your brain a moment to remember that they cannot hurt you and that while this is unpleasant it is not dangerous.

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    9. NaoNao*

      I set a meeting on my calendar and practice multiple times, going over what and how I’m going to say things, with the “record” option and then replay and edit/refine as needed. It really does help with high-stress meetings.

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    10. Rage*

      Polyvagal theory is going to be very helpful here – and you don’t really need a therapist to help you with this.

      The vagus nerve is responsible for regulating our fight/flight/freeze response, and calming IT down will calm YOU down, but the key is to get it to where it’s regulated and maintained to a point where your F/F/F response is OFF. The gist is that when we are frightened (as one might be when in a meeting full of shouting colleagues and charged emotions), our body connection will fall back on the neural connections designed to keep us safe. They are defensive – and often engage before we are even aware of it. Spend too much time this way and those connections are always “on” – so you are always stressed, anxious, etc. Those defensive neural connections are disabled when we are in an environment where we feel safe – this is where you want to be, with those defense mechanisms disabled.

      A meeting with a bunch of charged personalities is stressful because your brain interprets it as a threat to your physical safety. But it’s not. There isn’t anything to really be afraid of; there are no lions or tigers at the door, no xenomorphs in the ceiling. (I hope.)

      But this is the key: we can “trick” our brains into turning off those defensive neural connections even when we are in stressful situations. So you do things to activate the “ventral vagal” circuit, which supports social engagement behaviors and connections with others. (The other 2 circuits, the sympathetic and dorsal vagal, regulate our fight/flight and freeze behaviors, respectively.) Polyvagal theory goes into a LOT more depth, and it’s a big ol’ rabbit hole if you are bored someday, but this is a good enough summary to give you an understanding of why this works.

      Things you can do to activate your ventral vagal:

      -Breath work. “Box Breathing” is very useful, but really anything you can do to regulate/slow your breathing. You can easily do this in meetings without interrupting anything.

      -Watch your exhale. The slower you exhale, the slower your heart rate.

      -Posture. Make sure you aren’t hunching forward. When we hunch our shoulders forward, it decreases our lung capacity, which makes us take shorter breaths. Shorter breaths make our breath rate go up, which increases our heart rate, which increases our stress. You get the idea. Sit up straight, pull your shoulders back – this will help keep your breathing regulated as well.

      -Voice tone and facial expressions. Keep your vocal tone low, your speech measured, and relax your facial features. Avoid raising your voice or making it high-pitched – these things will activate your F/F/F response.

      -Cold water (as someone mentioned below) – after a stressful meeting, splash some cold water on your face (or even if you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting and do it there). You can also gargle with cold water for about 30 seconds; spit it out and then smile. At home – take a cool shower and smile and sing while in the shower. Singing actually requires us to slow our breathing down, so if you are having trouble managing it while sitting quietly, try singing exercises to help learn to regulate your breathing. Playing wind instruments work too – but you can’t (or shouldn’t) do that in the shower.

      Good luck – it takes some work to get to where you can deliberately regulate your sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system, but it’s so worth it in the long run.

      Sincerely,
      A counselor-in-training who is currently nerding out on polyvagal theory

      Reply ↓
  12. call me wheels*

    Posted last week about how I got offered a job but was waiting to hear from another I wanted — long story short I have accepted the better (higher paid + aligned with my career goals + permanent) job! Just waiting on final checks before I get my contract but yeah, feeling really good about it. 9 weeks of job hunting, around 80 applications and something like 11 interviews and here we are! This is my first job since graduating university and yeah from what I see so far it will hopefully be a good fit in lots of ways, so here’s hoping it goes well :)

    Also, this week I began my first freelance video game work, kinda! I’ve been reading the materials to prepare me for the actual writing, and offering sensitivity reader type feedback too. This is for the next installment of my favourite game and it really is as close to a dream job as I can imagine. Good pay and exciting fun work, I really feel lucky to have got this far.

    Between that and the other job (part time) I’ll finally be able to start contributing to household expenses and rent without chipping away at my savings, get some hobby related stuff I’ve been holding off on and new clothes I seriously need, and hopefully start saving for the next big milestones. I know I need to look at sorting like bank accounts and national insurance and pension and taxes as a freelancer and all that but I’m trying to celebrate a bit too before getting too bogged down in it all :) thank you to everyone who wished me luck and gave advice and good luck to everyone else hunting too !

    Reply ↓
  13. Anon4This*

    I’ve posted a few times over the past month about some shenanigans going on at my job. Brief recap: Sudden surprise layoffs of two people who were well-liked but had brief conflicts with management. Staff is outraged. Staff convened, sent a list of questions and a proposal for a new layoff policy that would prevent rogue directors from laying off people they didn’t like and calling it a restructure.

    Well, in about an hour we have a meeting with leadership to talk about it all. Reading over the agenda, it seems the stance they’re taking is “oh, it’s HR best practices to do layoffs this way, you guys just don’t know how things go in the working world”. I’ve volunteered to do part of the speaking on behalf of the group. Any cheering, advice, or comfort would be really appreciated right about now.

    Reply ↓
    1. BellaStella*

      Refer to your the layoff policy of it exists and to your questions to get answers, be sure to have a note taker and ensure what is committed to is then shared widely. Then follow up too and set a three month meeting mark to assess progress. Also i am sorry they are condescending to you all.

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    2. pally*

      I would posit that leadership’s stance is not taking into account how it affects remaining employees, now and in the future. Going forward, do they recognize how this layoff “best practice” has soured employees as to how they are valued (err… not valued) by management?

      That will have negative consequences-to things like turnover, willingness to make extra effort on things, morale, the product/service itself… you get the idea.

      Insulting employees by saying they don’t know how things work in the working world is not the way to make employees feel good about their management. Being willing to listen to and allay fears, and being open about how they do things, is a better way to achieve this.

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      1. Momma Bear*

        Been there. Our reply was exactly that – morale tanks when you do backhanded things. Transparency is valued. Management chose not to listen, and the result was a number of key/senior people leaving in rapid succession with minimal notice. Rarely does treating people poorly exist in a vacuum.

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    3. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Is there an actual set of HR industry layoff best practices that exists somewhere (in the real world, not your company)? You could share those.

      Reply ↓
  14. Disability Confident Scheme*

    UK reader here. I applied for a job under the Disability Confident Scheme. It guarantees me an interview if I demonstrate in my application that I meet all the criteria.
    I have severe anxiety, and could easily have a panic attack. If I get an interview, what reasonable accommodations to ask ? If I tell the recruiters I’ll be shaking, possibly crying and hyperventilating ? If I ask to have extra time to reply and to not judge me on panic attacks, does it seem a reasonable accommodation ?
    I’d also be curious to know what reasonable accommodations other people in my situation have requested prior to interviews ?

    Reply ↓
    1. English Rose*

      I’ve not been in your precise situation but would it help to make sure the interviewers tell you all the fine details of the interview, who you will meet, where it will be etc?
      A lot of employers now will offer sight of the interview questions in advance, which will help some. My organisation (which is a member of the scheme) does this for autistic candidates.
      If you google “Disability Confident Reasonable Adjustments interviews” it brings up quite a few examples from various organisations.
      Maybe even ask the company what adjustments they offer.
      The very best of luck to you, let us know how it goes.

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    2. FashionablyEvil*

      Are there things that you know would make you more comfortable and reduce the risk?

      Also, could you reasonably do the interview if you had a panic attack? I would feel very uncomfortable trying to interview someone who was clearly in that much distress and would probably suggest postponing.

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    3. AnonyOne*

      What triggers your anxiety in an interview situation? Could you, eg, ask whether you could receive the questions in advance? If they were not open to sending them to you, could you arrive an hour early and be left in a room with the questions so you could review them in advance? That would give you a chance to think about them outside the pressure of the interview and maybe make some bullet point notes for yourself of key points do you could refer to them when answering in the interview. An interview for most types of jobs doesn’t need to be a test of how you respond under pressure or how well you can remember examples of your skills on the spot.
      Obviously I don’t know what triggers your anxiety so no idea whether this would help.

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    4. call me wheels*

      Maybe ask ahead of time if they could schedule a little extra time so you could step out and collect yourself if you start having one? I think I have seen people mention asking for questions ahead of time so you can mentally prepare yourself but I don’t know if those tend to actually get done. I can’t really think of anything else, I wasn’t interviewing in the time I had regular panic attacks. But yeah asking for extra time to answer sounds very reasonable.

      I would say, I don’t think I’ve ever got an interview through the disability confident scheme even in cases where I couldn’t see why I wouldn’t meet criteria. And my experience with disability confident workplaces is more like they might have a space on the application form to ask about accomodations but I haven’t noticed any particular difference in how well versed with disability the people working there in general are. My experience is like they kind of seem aware maybe someone they interview might use a wheelchair but just be cautious in assuming they’ll definitely be good with a less easily understood condition like anxiety. Sorry I don’t mean to be negative just yeah hope it can help you prepare! Good luck!

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    5. Neurodiverse*

      would it be helpful to get the questions in advance? if you had a chance to prepare answers,.do you think it might decrease the chance of anxiety problems?

      I have auditory processing issues and if I worry about not hearing properly in an interview or work situation, I definitely have problems. I’ve found that a better approach for me is to say at the beginning “I have auditory processing issues and often need a little time to process the question and formulate my answer. if I ask you to repeat yourself, it’s not anything you’re doing wrong, it’s my brain and ears don’t always cooperate.” so is there something similar you could do to acknowledge your issue in some way, ask for what you need, while also coming across as self aware and able toamage and accommodate yourself.

      also, does this scheme help you prepare at all for the interview? doing some mock interviews might help you get some experience and confidence.

      good luck!

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    6. SAW*

      Disclaimer that I don’t have personal experience with this level of anxiety, but just thinking about what I might want when my anxiety has been triggered. Could one thing be that you ask for time to be built in for you to ask for a break during the interview? For example, if you can feel a panic attack starting, you ask for a break so you can have a few minutes of privacy to use your coping mechanisms to bring your anxiety back down to a manageable level.

      Another thought is to ask for the interview questions upfront. I’m thinking that could help you feel prepared and not be caught off-guard by a tough question that triggers anxiety.

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    7. Michelle Smith*

      I would request the questions in advance and the name of the interviewer(s). Overpreparation helps me with my anxiety, personally.

      Reply ↓
    8. MsSolo (UK)*

      Some of the standard stuff where I work would be requesting the interview is in person or remote, extra time during the interview including longer gaps between questions, questions in advance, specific things about the room (lighting, temperature, not having your back to a door etc). Potentially you might be able to visit the site in advance and see where the interview would take place, but that would really depend on the nature of the employer.

      A lot of it is going to depend on what might trigger a panic attack for you (beyond general interview stress) and the nature of the role you’re applying for. They’d expect you to say that you’re asking for the adjustment due to severe anxiety, but it would be unusual to ask for them to ignore panic attacks specifically: part of the goal with the adjustments is to reduce the risk of a panic attack occurring. Think about it in terms of the adjustments you’d need to do the job, as well as the interview, so you can present your ‘doing the job’ self.

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      1. MsSolo (UK)*

        Oh, one if they won’t give you the questions in advance – ask for them to be written out as well as asked, so you’ve got the question in front of you if your brain starts wandering.

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    9. Cordelia*

      I think you’ll need to leave the room and find somewhere private to go if you have a panic attack, in the same way as you would be expected to do if you were doing the actual job – you can’t expect interviewers or coworkers to sit and wait for you to stop crying and hyperventilating, that’s going to make them very uncomfortable. You need to show that these things might happen but that you are able to recover yourself without too much upheaval and continue with the task at hand, otherwise there are going to be concerns about how you will function in the work environment. So it would probably be best to let them know that you might have a panic attack and need to step out briefly, and ask in advance where you should go if this happens.
      Is there anything they could do to reduce your anxiety and therefore the likelihood of you having a panic attack? e.g. if waiting will make you anxious, can you ask to be interviewed first? Can you ask to be able to wait outside in the fresh air rather than in a waiting room or lobby? Can you take fidget toys or something you find calming to hold? Can you ask if they can schedule more time for the interview and factor in a midway break to give you time to calm yourself down?

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    10. Disability Confident Scheme*

      Having the questions in advance seem helpful, I’ll have to check.
      Fidgeting toys can be helpful too. Thanks for the suggestions.

      Reply ↓
      1. Good luck*

        Public speaking gives me panic attacks. Someone in my office recommended short term beta blockers (essentially, they lower your blood pressure I think). I took them 20 minutes beforehand and the panic attacks stopped.

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    11. RagingADHD*

      The Job Accommodations Network at askjan dot org is US based, but it has some good lists of the type of accommodations that can be helpful for people with various disabilities.

      There is a section called A to Z Lists, where you can look up disabilities or symptoms / limitations, and a separate section called the Situation and Solutions Finder, which has real-world examples of employee requests and the solutions that were effective (or needed more trial and error).

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    12. InterviewingDisabled*

      I’m in the US not the UK and am not familiar with that law or how accessibility requirements differ in the UK and US so I hesitate to respond, but I am also multiply disabled and have been on both sides of the interview table a lot so some of my experience may still be helpful. If not, please disregard it and know it was well intentioned.

      First of all, the accommodations process here is a negotiation so you can’t expect to get everything you ask for as you ask for it.

      Secondly, I would disclose as little as you possibly can without completely tanking your ability to interview. I’m sorry to say that, despite legal requirements otherwise, disabilities are often covertly considered in evaluations. It may take some time and energy to educate an employer about some of the accommodations being requested and to consider whether/how they could legitimately be incorporated into the workplace without undue hardship. That time doesn’t exist in the interview environment.

      One criteria often applied is whether the candidate can handle the company’s working environment. There will be rational discussion about whether someone can handle the work, the workload, etc. Many jobs are extremely stressful all the time; if you are perceived as unable to deal with stress you likely will be excluded. People will find some other reason to do it.

      In many environments, interviewing is a tiny part of their job unless you’re in HR or are the hiring manager. People who are already overworked are being asked to interview candidates bit not given any free time to prepare for it. I’ve been interviewed by people who clearly hadn’t read my resume (some who apologized and asked to take 2 min at the start to scan it) and I’ve sometimes been given resumes or information 15 minutes before an interview.

      I may have a vague idea of what I intend to ask, but there are no questions in advance to provide, and at places where they may have had a few standard questions they were a starter set or for use if the conversation faltered without them.

      On the interviewing side, I have periodically been faced with something I couldn’t do without assistance or accommodations. It never goes well. In some cases I have been told in advance and had to ask for an accommodation. In those cases, either they were unable to comply or my interview got mysteriously cut short. I have yet to get a single job where I either disclosed or someone figured out I have a disability (beyond my mobility disability for which I use a walker).

      However, once hired, I have been successful in nearly every job I’ve ever had (including short term contracts and at companies too small to be subject to disability laws) and I’ve often been able to get what I need without formal accommodations by asking my boss.

      So, again, things may be very different in the UK and clearly by using the program you did you’ve disclosed you have some sort of disability so that ship has sailed. But I would still think about risk vs reward and ask for as little in the way of interview accommodations as you think you can ask for and still have a reasonably successful interview experience.

      If that means extra time, ask for extra time. If that means questions in advance, ask for them. But also consider whether the accommodations you ask for would be reasonable for the job you’re interviewing for and part of your goals for the interview should include assessing the company environment and specific role against what you need to be successful in a job.

      I hope this is helpful, and I wish you the greatest of luck.

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    13. Retail manager*

      In addition to questions in advance I wonder about an opportunity to see the space for the interview in advance and a list of interviewers – ideally with pictures but you could probably find those by googling. That way you have fewer unknowns when it comes to the actual interview.

      I agree with everyone recommending leaving the room with a panic attack. I think that shows you would also handle it that way at work if you got the job – which is a good thing. Same as if you had an uncontrollable coughing fit, asthma attack, vomit, etc.

      Reply ↓
  15. dude, who moved my cheese?*

    Best tips for networking at a conference where you (a) don’t know anyone and (b) are going primarily to make new industry connections?

    Reply ↓
    1. Hlao-roo*

      There was recently a re-print of the “How do I politely end conversations at networking events?” letter (letter #4 of the “giving extra time off to people who get married, rejected me because I was late for the interview, and more” post from September 25, 2024).

      Exiting conversations is a small part of networking, but it is important and it’s often overlooked.

      Reply ↓
    2. JustMyImagination*

      I always arrive right on time to the social events when I’m alone at a conference. It means it’s a little less crowded and any conversations that have started, aren’t really in depth yet so it’s easier to just join in on what people are talking about.

      Reply ↓
      1. Paint N Drip*

        This seems like such a good tip that is SO opposite of my natural inclinations (my natural inclinations are NOT conducive to networking, so that makes a ton of sense)
        Thanks!

        Reply ↓
    3. Margaret Cavendish*

      One of the great things about conferences is that nearly everybody is there for networking and making industry connections. And many of them will be just as nervous as you are!

      So there’s nothing wrong with just walking up to someone and introducing yourself. Then you can ask questions like:
      ~How are you enjoying the conference?
      ~Did you go to the llama grooming session? What did you think?
      ~What does your organization do?
      ~What’s your role within the organization?
      ~Do you live in [conference city] or did you travel to get here?

      The idea is not that you ask a bunch of rapid-fire questions and then move on to the next question (or the next person). The idea is that you ask a question or two as a way of beginning a conversation – the same way you would in all kinds of other situations. And this is even easier than a lot of other situations, because everybody is there for the same reason. You’ll be fine!

      Reply ↓
    4. chocolate muffins*

      I am in academia so I’m not sure how relevant this is to the kind of conference you’re going to, but before I knew people at conferences I would look at the program in advance and e-mail people whose research overlapped with mine to see if they wanted to chat. Some didn’t (and some didn’t get back to me) but many did! Now that I think of it I still do this now to get to know new people, even though I now already know many people at these conferences.

      Reply ↓
    5. The Prettiest Curse*

      Depending on the size of the conference, look into whether they have an app or networking tool where attendees can set up 1-to-1 meetings, create a profile and tag themselves as having specific interests. If you can set up a few short meetings in advance, do that as well as the general networking sessions. Also, check whether any of the networking sessions are sponsored by companies who may be of interest, as they will likely have representatives at the session.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kamala Kokonuts*

        After reading this I checked the conference I’m going to (pretty much the same set up as the OP) and found they provide a list of attendees. This will help me either connect before hand, set up something there, or follow-up.

        Reply ↓
    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      Look for events and opportunities for first time attendees. Don’t be afraid to tell people you’re new. I’ve found most conferences to be extremely welcoming of new attendees.

      Reply ↓
    7. Hillary*

      One of the best pieces of advice from “how to work a room” (yes, that was an actual session in my mba program) was to join groups of odd numbers. The group will unconsciously reorient because they’re not currently in pairs.

      One is the exception. If someone’s focusing on their phone leave them alone, but if they’re alone and looking around the room go say hi.

      Margaret’s advice is spot on.

      Beyond that, bring a ton of business cards if you have them, download the linkedin app and learn how to use the connect qr code, and download the conference app if there is one. I take breaks every couple hours to make notes on everyone I’ve met and what future follow up should look like.

      Reply ↓
      1. Hillary*

        Also, if you’re part of an underrepresented demographic (hi, other women at supply chain conferences!) seek them out when you need a break. Everyone in the demographic is going through the same nonsense and a little solidarity goes a long way.

        My stretch goal is to sit with different people at every meal.

        Reply ↓
  16. Ripley*

    My office is also freezing, and I have a fuzzy throw blanket that I keep folded under my desk, and I put it over my lap and legs on the particularly bad days. You can’t even really tell it’s there if I’m working at my computer. I also have an electric heating pad that I put between my back and the chair sometimes, and that helps too.

    My feeling is if they’re not going to heat the office to a comfortable temperature, I’m going to do what I have to do.

    Reply ↓
  17. Valerie Loves Me*

    Any older professionals out there who can share some advice on how to effectively downsize your career? I’ve been doing my job for 25+ years. Have never felt quite good at it and now that I’m older, I’d like to find something that’s a little less taxing on my work/life/emotional balance. Nothing drastic, but having trouble finding the next iteration of my career that I can … well, for lack of a better word … coast. I want to lean into what I do well, get rid of what I don’t and drop the after hours portion of my job that’s typically required in my field (I’m in PR)

    Reply ↓
    1. English Rose*

      For me, it was stopping managing people. Bliss!
      But also I’ve managed to train myself not to be as competitive. For example I have a co-worker who is all go go go all the time, stays late, gets a lot of the limelight. Younger me would have tried to match them overtime for overtime, but now I just stay in my lane.

      Reply ↓
      1. Valerie Loves Me*

        I moved into my current job to get rid of the management aspect. (Bliss, indeed. Managing people is hard!) My old job wasn’t prepared to have me take a step back and in fact kept giving me more responsibility. But, while I got rid of one stressor, my current position has me on call more often than not, which is a different stressor. :P

        Reply ↓
    2. Paint N Drip*

      Sorry I don’t have any personal advice on this, hope you get some good feedback.
      My mom’s plan on this was to wind her hours down to part time over a period – as a rough guesstimate, year 1 she was full time, year 2 she worked 4 days, year 3/4 she worked 3 days, year 5 she worked 2 days, and year 6 she was ‘coverage’ so they scheduled her when needed (NOT on call, just the last person on the schedule list). She found that the natural result of not being able to handle everything as her hours dropped (and before that, when it was known that would eventually be the case) was that the worst tasks (especially last-minute BS) drifted to other unlucky souls, the neediest employees would find someone else to glom onto, and she was able to get back to the ‘bare bones’ of the career she liked.

      Reply ↓
    3. Pay no attention...*

      From my observation, this is where a lot of late-career PR people become consultants either self-employed or at a consulting firm. On the surface that sounds like upsizing but they evaluate other PR people/departments, make recommendations based on best practices, and leave it to someone else to implement.

      Reply ↓
      1. Don’t put metal in the science oven*

        This is what I did. It’s taxing to form your own company & all that entails, but I was able to pick clients and work about half time. I was in an industry where I had a lot of contacts and that was key to finding gigs. There are definitely stressful downsides like buying your own health insurance (which can cost $1500 a month), feeling like you’re always looking for the next job and tending to overwork at first bc you’re scared if you turn down a job, they’ll forget about you & you want to build a client base. But, after 2 years it worked great for me.

        Reply ↓
    4. 2 and a Possible*

      Jobs that require scheduling, coordinating and organizing depending on the industry or topic can be not too taxing.

      Reply ↓
    5. Cordelia*

      I think stopping the constant push to upsize (is that a word?) is what’s helped me the most. I don’t intend to move any further up in my profession, so when I take a job I don’t need to think of the impact it will have on my career prospects. I don’t have to take a job that I know I won’t like just because it’s the next step on the ladder, or because it will be good experience, or look good on my resume.
      I have actually moved a step back down the ladder, from management to individual contributor. The important factor here was that I moved employers and locations. A friend of mine tried to do similar – she went part-time in her old job, and moved down a step, but because everyone knew her and knew what she was capable of, she just got expected to do pretty much what she was doing before in less time and with less pay. Mine worked better because I started afresh.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      Identify what you want to keep. What aspects of your job do you love and excel at? What tasks do you want to get rid of?

      Look for consulting of freelance opportunities so you can pick your projects and set your own hours.

      Or, consider internal coms or in-house roles, which frequently have fewer after-hours demands.

      Tailor your resume and LinkedIn for a scaled-down role. Align for the type of work you’re looking for, and downplay or cut responsibilities tied to high stress and after hours.

      One caution – don’t assume that taking a lower level role with less pay will automatically have less stress. It doesn’t always work that way!

      Reply ↓
  18. Worth mentioning this quirk?*

    I have a newer direct report who’s great. She’s VERY thorough and in terms of quality of work, probably the best hire I’ve had in 6 years.

    She’s a bit quirky in her communication style in that she overcommunicates and due to her thoroughness, she asks tons of questions and sends too many messages. Most are fine but some are unnecessary. Examples below:

    Situation: I asked her to send me a report. She’ll email me the report, then message me on teams letting me know she emailed me.

    Situation: I respond to her via email to clarify something. She’ll respond via email and then on Teams, saying “thank you for the email!”

    We’ve already had a conversation about her asking too many questions on teams and to consolidate them or wait until our weekly 1:1’s if it’s not urgent.

    Worth letting her know she doesn’t need to send messages like that or accept it’s a quirk and let it go?

    Reply ↓
    1. londonedit*

      I think it’s definitely worth letting her know. Doesn’t need to be anything formal – just a ‘There’s really no need to send me a follow-up message on Teams if you’ve also sent me an email. You can assume I’ll see the email and get to it as soon as I can!’ Could be that she’s worried you won’t see it unless she points it out to you, or something. But it would really annoy me so I think it’s worth a friendly ‘Hey, thanks but you don’t need to keep doing that’.

      Reply ↓
      1. Zephy*

        As Alison has pointed out numerous times, if the actual goal is for her to *stop* sending the Teams messages, OP should actually say that in those words. “You don’t need to do the thing,” to people with this kind of compulsion (maybe trained into them by a prior bad boss, maybe a personal quirk), still sounds like they can do the thing – the response will be “Oh, but I don’t mind doing the thing!” and then you’re still in the situation with the annoying behavior. “Please stop” or “please don’t” is much clearer.

        Reply ↓
        1. ecnaseener*

          That’s true, but in this case I think it really is a “make sure she knows she doesn’t have to” situation and not a “make her stop” situation. It’s a minor annoyance that the asker is willing to accept as a quirk, ergo it’s not an actual problem.

          Reply ↓
        2. Slow Gin Lizz*

          I agree about being clearer in communication with her. That said, you can be clear without making it seem like she’s doing something wrong (what she’s doing isn’t wrong, per se, it’s just unnecessary and distracting). You could maybe phrase it like, “I check my email regularly and I find it very distracting* to receive the same information in both email and Teams. Going forward, please use email as our default communication platform and use Teams only if something is urgent.”

          * Alternate wording: “I have a hard time keeping track of all the information I need when I receive the same information in both….” or choose your own wording entirely.

          Reply ↓
    2. Flor*

      Is this negatively impacting you beyond slightly eyerolliness? Like if it’s interrupting your focus so you’re less productive, or if it’s doing that for your other direct reports. If it is, then it’s something that needs to be addressed because it’s not just a quirk then; it’s affecting your team’s ability to work effectively.

      The only other reason where I think it’s worth saying something is if she’s new to the workforce, in which case a conversation about communication norms might be doing her a favour.

      But if she’s an experienced professional and it’s not having a negative impact on your/your team’s productivity then I’d just treat it as a quirk and leave it be.

      Reply ↓
    3. EA*

      I’d say this to her really directly, phrased as “Please don’t do this” vs. “You don’t need to…” which leaves the door open for her to do it anyway. I’d say something like:

      “Please don’t send me a Teams message to let me know that you emailed me or to thank me. I get push notifications for my email anyway, so it’s not necessary.”

      Related questions just to reflect on:
      Do you reply to her emails to confirm reception of reports? I know some office cultures do this and some do not.
      Do you generally reply quickly or is some of her Teams messages a subtle push for you to reply faster?

      Reply ↓
    4. Colette*

      I think you can address it – but if you don’t want to, you can just make it unrewarding (e.g. ignore the messages entirely.) If she’s asking for something or if you’re having a conversation, respond normally, of course.

      Reply ↓
    5. Valerie Loves Me*

      I feel like she may be an overachiever/overcommunicator… but also this seems like an ingrained response from a previous work environment. My guess is that she was either told she didn’t communicate enough or she had a supervisor who was not organized and this was how she managed it. I think she just needs to know what your preferred channel of communication is or how you use each platform, so she can adjust how she responds to you.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bast*

        I can see this being the case. At Old Job, owner of the company was very disorganized, and always behind on emails. It was told to all new hires to never just email Company Owner and expect him to respond, but to follow up with either a phone call or an interoffice message, or he likely would “forget” to read it. Sometimes, it would take more than one call or message for him to read an email. You might be thinking then — why not just discuss everything on the phone or through the interoffice message system? You’d quickly learn the hard way that Company Owner was quick to say, “I don’t remember that conversation” “You never told me that” etc, etc., so it was better to have the email paper trail (that you’d have to remind him to read anyway) and then follow up.
        The name of the game there was CYA.

        Reply ↓
      2. RLC*

        My first thought also, this is a carryover from a previous work environment. If so, clearly and gently spelling out your communication expectations might help.

        Reply ↓
    6. noname today*

      I’m far from being a new hire, but I tend to do the same—until I know which vehicle the person I’m working with prefers (also when I deliberately move from Teams to email to aid in forward-ability to TPTB/those who actually do the work).

      Telling her she doesn’t need to do both is not the same as identifying which vehicle you prefer and why—and if there’s a difference in when you use one over the other.

      FWIW I tend to take the both a belt and suspenders approach when the person I’m communicating with doesn’t appear to have a reason for jumping between email and teams—and I’m concerned they’ll miss something urgent.

      Also outlook now has the same like features as teams and texts—so if she just wants you to know she’s seen it, you can tell her to do that instead.

      Reply ↓
    7. English Rose*

      I think you’d be doing her a favour by letting her know, very directly, as EA says. You might accept it as a quirk, but as she progresses in the org, this is bound to annoy others who will just think she’s not a good communicator.

      Reply ↓
    8. RagingADHD*

      Yes, it’s worth saying something like, “Either Teams or email works to notify me of something. Please don’t send duplicate messages, because all my messaging platforms are very full already.”

      Reply ↓
    9. MultipleChannels*

      Does she do it simultaneously? I tend to start with messaging then send an email or, if it’s really time sensitive, call if they don’t respond. Sometimes my second communication will be “I sent you details via Slack – can you take a look and get back to me by X time if at all possible”.

      I also second the ingrained from a previous job comment. I’ve worked for bosses who were difficult to reach and I ended up sending both messages and emails for anything important because it doubled my chance of being seen and getting a response. If I’m stressed out or in a time crunch it’s easy to revert to old habits.

      Reply ↓
  19. melusine*

    I work in a teapot shop that’s going through hard times and I’m the Senior employee that knows glazes, storage, clay acquisition, and painting. The pay in our industry is notoriously low, and my previous coworker just quit.

    Last week my boss offered me $100 come in earlier than I usually do. This week, the same.

    What language can I use to leverage this instability and the increase in my responsibilities into a raise? Haven’t had one since 2019.

    Reply ↓
    1. EA*

      Do you just want a raise or do you want to permanently extend your hours, or change your role? That would change how I would address it. And the teapot metaphor makes it kind of to hard to actually understand the industry and give relevant advice.

      Reply ↓
      1. melusine*

        Theoretically the extended hours are temporary because of increased workload and shorter deadlines, but I can’t keep doing 12hr days. Even if we hire someone new, training them will be part of my responsabilities.

        My role has already been changed multiple times and I just want to be compensated for it. The industry is graphics production related.

        Reply ↓
        1. Pay no attention...*

          So is the $100 a bonus in addition to the overtime you earn for your extended hours, or is it the only extra pay you are getting?

          I would be cautious about tying a pay raise to the extended hours, especially if you aren’t being paid overtime, because then the boss might feel he has his solution and it could become your official new hours. ie. Boss: “I gave you a raise because of the extended hours, so now those are your hours or I take the raise back.”

          If it’s a bonus in addition to overtime, you might be able to leverage a bigger bonus and that would at least encourage the boss to find a better solution so your hours can go back to normal. It has to “hurt” him more than it “hurts” you.

          Reply ↓
    2. Hyaline*

      I don’t want to be a downer, but if the shop has hit hard times, you simply don’t get regular raises so this is an unusual request, you’re understaffed, and the boss’s solution to that understaffing is throwing an extra $100 at you on a week by week basis….this is probably not a great time to try to leverage a raise. I think you can try–“If this increase of responsibility is going to become part of my job moving forward, I’d like to discuss a title change with raise or at least a bump in compensation”–but honestly, I think if you want to earn more money, it might be time to consider changing jobs.

      Reply ↓
  20. Junior Dev (now midlevel)*

    Advice for dealing with a work situation that is bringing up old bad feelings from an old bad job?

    Earlier in my software career I got fired from 1) job A for “taking too long” to complete certain tickets (I later learned that a coworker had it out for me and advocated to get me fired – long story, but I believe the person I heard it from) and 2) a few years later, from job B for not being independent enough/asking too many questions as a senior developer, when I was having serious health problems and difficulty concentrating as a result. I took most of a year off to figure out what was wrong with my health before getting the current job.

    Now a confluence of issues is bringing up old feelings from those situations even though some of what’s going on now is good and wanted. I advocated at work to take on projects in a new programming language that I wanted to learn, and I’m having to ask for help a lot, and between scope creep and being new at it, it’s taking way longer than expected. I’m glad it is happening but I find myself getting tense and overly worried about the whole thing, and have already gotten feedback that I’m taking too long on trying to do it alone rather than asking for help.

    I’m also having trouble managing my chronic illness lately and it’s not nearly as bad as when I got fired but it does mean I’m more tired and generally feeling worse. So that scares me too. I feel defensive and paranoid when I have a bad day and don’t get a lot done and find myself coming up with justifications for it in my head.

    Any advice for dealing with the emotions here? Realistically I think I am already doing the right things at work and I worry that seeking reassurance from my boss (who is also the main one working with me on the new project) will make things worse for me at work. But if anyone knows of wording that conveys something good and not just “I’m terrified of getting fired and emotionally needy about it” I’m open to having that conversation.

    Reply ↓
    1. Michelle Smith*

      The boss is not the person I’d be going to for reassurance. I’d be talking about it extensively with my therapist, who is pretty much my go-to person for any conversations around my insecurities and past trauma. Do you have a therapist?

      Reply ↓
      1. Junior Dev (now midlevel)*

        I do, yes. I was thinking more in terms of “asking my boss about whether my current performance is good” which some people have suggested to me (including my therapist, I think) but in this instance I don’t think I can calibrate well whether the question is reasonable or will come off as overly emotionally needy.

        Reply ↓
    2. In My Underdark Era*

      I kinda feel like I could’ve written this! it’s so hard to try and keep a lid on it and downplay the effect that a chronic illness can have on your concentration/performance. the person who gave you feedback that you’re taking too long at your current job- do you get the impression they’re reasonable? could you tell them outright that you have a hard time asking for help because of a prior work experience, and unlearning that is a work in progress? (this would be a convo to have when receiving feedback, not out of the blue- I think it’s fine to directly ask for feedback occasionally, but you really don’t want to venture into “boss, please be my emotional support” territory)

      I work at a consistently slower pace than my coworkers, and I’ve had to fight with myself so much to hold fast against the Shame Spiral because of it. but I’ve found that the best thing I can do for myself and my team is to be as honest as I’m comfortable with when it comes to my faults, my role, and my blockers.

      example: “I’ve had to work on asking for help more often, because it’s not something that comes to me easily. I have a tendency to spend too long trying to get things right on my own before pulling in other team members for input, so I really appreciate it when people check in with me or make themselves available when I ask for their help.”

      as for actually asking for help, here is some language that I think has helped me through some rough tickets.

      when I have no idea what is intended for a ticket: “this ticket doesn’t have much information- does anyone have any insight into what the intended changes were for this?” (and when no one does: “I really am not sure what changes were intended for this ticket, so I’m just going to put up a code review and you can tell me what I’m missing here.” <– adjust wording as desired, but the crux is that you're communicating the consequence of a lack of support/information.)

      in a similar vein: "I have some ideas about the design for this feature, but I'd like to get some more eyes on it. if I put up a draft, is anyone available to swarm on it with me today?"

      and I think the two biggest things for me to keep in mind when I'm struggling to ask for help are:
      1) by asking for help, I am normalizing this behavior on my team so that my teammates can follow my example and feel more comfortable asking for these things as well (this also applies to taking time off for bad health days, if you're able to and comfortable talking about it even a little bit)
      and 2) I don't mind at all when someone asks ME for help! we're a team! it's our job! we're stronger together, rah rah rah! so why should I think that it's only a problem when I do it?

      I didn't mean for this to be so long but I hope that even a fraction of it is useful haha

      Reply ↓
    3. govvie*

      If you are worried about the feedback you’ve received so far and you feel comfortable talking with your boss, you could discuss your concerns, but focusing on the impact on your work work, not on your emotions. If I were your boss, I would be open to a discussion about how the project was going and any timeline/workload adjustments that need to be made. It would also be helpful in that conversation to hear things like, “I’m dealing with a flare up of a chronic illness that makes it harder for me to be as productive as usual.” That would let me as the boss set expectations based on our capacity. If you haven’t already talked through when and how quickly to ask for help, that might be useful too. You can ask for explicit guidance, like don’t spend more than 4 hours on this or ask for help if you can’t debug an error in this part of the code.

      Reply ↓
    4. Not that Leia*

      I’m a manager, and while I agree that it’s not really appropriate to ask for reassurance, I think it can have the same effect if you are able to be more proactive about identifying realistic timelines and accommodations. For example, I’d way rather hear: “I am finding this task more complex than anticipated. Can we push the deadline a week?” than getting to the deadline and finding out that something isn’t actually done.
      That also lets you open up a conversation so hopefully if there’s something that your boss would like to see differently, there’s an opportunity to discuss. And ideally, the fact of having those conversations gives you some reassurance!

      Reply ↓
    5. Mad Scientist*

      I know it’s been said in this comment section frequently, but this seems like a good thing to talk to a therapist about!

      Reply ↓
    6. H.Regalis*

      I think you should talk to a therapist or a counselor. They’re the best sort of person to help you learn manage the way you’re feeling. You shouldn’t have to carry around the scars from bad past jobs for the rest of your life.

      Reply ↓
    7. The Coolest Clown Around*

      I have a chronic illness that also sometimes impact my concentration, and I’ve found that it helps to

      a) give my boss a heads up that something has changed, it isn’t permanent, and I’m taking steps to mitigate the impact on work (when that makes sense).

      b) set expectations about what impact that’s likely to have at work.

      c) ask for any accommodations you need to keep getting things done right now. A block of focus hours with headphones and coworkers knowing you shouldn’t be distracted? A regular check-in point once a week with all your questions so you aren’t chasing your boss down all the time? Any modifications to your physical environment?

      Ex: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been dealing with some health issues lately that have been kind of taking it out of me. I’ve got it covered and it’s not a forever thing, but it’s slowing me down right now so I’m not sure I can get both projects completed this week, but I can get everything done by Wednesday. Is project A or B higher priority for you? It would really help me get work knocked out if you’d authorize me to turn Teams and email off for the afternoons this week and ask coworkers not to bother me for non-emergencies during those periods.”

      Reply ↓
  21. JustaTech*

    Recommendations for headset for video calls?

    I need a recommendation for a headset for video calls. I had been using a very elderly pair of Bose wired, over-the-ear headphones, but they’re my personal nice headphones so I don’t want to leave them at the office and I don’t like lugging them home every day. So I got a cheap on-ear headset that works fine but gives me a headache after an hour.
    But my main struggle is that I can’t figure out how to wear my glasses with either of these headsets. Right now I just take my glasses off and it’s fine (the glasses are for distance), but it feels weird to constantly take my glasses off.

    Does anyone have a suggestion for a reasonably priced (~$100 or less) headset that’s compatible with glasses? Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    2. English Rose*

      I haven’t tried them myself, but a friend swears by bone conduction headset with mic that you can get at various price points.

      Reply ↓
    3. Llellayena*

      Look into over-ear gaming headsets. I’ve got a set (brand HyperX? I don’t have the box anymore but that’s what’s written on the headset) that was about $40, if I’m recalling right. It’s comfortable with my glasses and good quality sound. In fact, when my office switched us all to wireless on-ear headsets I kept my over-ear, plug-in ones instead specifically because the on-ear ones hurt with my glasses. I seem to have lucked out because the wireless ones occasionally have connectivity issues, my wired ones never do!

      Reply ↓
    4. ArtK*

      I use Anker Soundcore A1 earbuds. Unlike some (er… Apple), they aren’t one-size-fits-all; they’ve got multiple fittings to match your ears. They hold a charge pretty well and the sound is fine.

      Reply ↓
    5. RagingADHD*

      I wear glasses and use a Steelseries Arctis gaming headset. Extremely comfortable, and never had a problem with my glasses. I often forget I’m wearing it.

      Reply ↓
  22. call me wheels*

    Oh man I typed out a long update but it doesnt seem to have posted? The quick version is:

    – I have a job now! 9 weeks of looking, around 80 applications and something like 11 interviews, 2 offers and here I am with a permanent, well paying part time job in an area I’m experienced in at a college (I was hoping to work in either a college or a uni so this is great!) This is my first job since graduating a few months ago

    – started my video game freelance work and it’s a dream so far ^_^

    – I can finally stop eating up my savings and contribute a larger share to rent + expenses, and buy some stuff I’ve been needing. Looking forward to getting my financial stuff properly set up and saving for the next big milestone with my partner :) feeling like a real grown up haha though I know saying it like that undermines my point somewhat lol

    Thank you to everyone who supported me on my previous posts about the journey and good luck to everyone still hunting!

    Reply ↓
      1. call me wheels*

        Thanks :) I think I mostly used Reed, Indeed, the temp jobs board that the unis local to me use, and jobs.ac.uk I think it is. Reed I think I was getting a lot of contact from recruiters from, (through the discover cv option and the applications I sent) some of that turned into interviews, Indeed I tended to hear back from individual companies I applied to but not the agencies so much, and from the educational institutions I had to do it through their individual websites and basically never heard back. I only wrote a handful of cover letters (most didn’t have the option to submit one that I could see) and I don’t think either of the jobs I got offered asked for one.

        And the video game work wasnt through a board, it was kind of a fluke, I got talking to the boss online after posting about the game a lot all year and asked about applying on the off chance and it went from there. Worked out nicely but kind of hard to replicate unfortunately haha

        Reply ↓
  23. Dr. Doll*

    I had asked a few weeks ago for input on applying to a big shiny new job when I’d really like to retire next year. Update: I went ahead and applied, because if I didn’t do that I’d cut off the option. Now I’m trying my best to walk away whistling and assume I’ll never hear from them. It’s only been a couple of weeks, and academia is of course notoriously slow in hiring.

    Reply ↓
  24. Joielle*

    Looking to develop a policy on what happens with a person’s laptop and login info when they’re on long term leave. What does your workplace do? On one hand, it seems prudent to get the equipment back when it’s clear they’re going to be out for an extended period, but on the other hand, we don’t want to pester a person who’s going through something serious.

    We can plan ahead for an anticipated leave, but I’m thinking more in the situation where someone is out for medical reasons and ends up needing to extend the leave unexpectedly.

    Thanks!!

    Reply ↓
    1. Colette*

      Some thoughts:
      – there’s a difference between planned sick leave, unexpected sick leave, parental leave, other leaves (e.g. unpaid LOA)
      – if someone is off and should not be working (which will be most of the time), suspend their access & set an out of office on their email.
      – equipment is harder; if you have a return date and that equipment would still be used when they return, let them keep it (unless you really need it back). If there’s no return date and you expect it to be a long time, ask for it back (& arrange shipping if necessary) but understand if that’s not possible. The standard laptop/monitor/etc. is relatively inexpensive compared to the cost of pestering someone who is out on sick leave.

      Reply ↓
    2. Zephy*

      Maybe you have a designated emergency contact who is responsible for shipping/retrieving/bringing work equipment to the office, once it is clear that the employee will be incapacitated for longer than X amount of time (1 week, 2 weeks, whatever makes sense)? That EC could be the same or a different EC than the individual you already have on file for normal emergency-contact reasons (e.g., if my normal emergency contact is my mom who lives in another state, maybe it makes more sense for me to put down my neighbor for this).

      Or you could add “retrieve work equipment from employees on extended leaves” to the duties of a specific role in the company (with a contingency plan for if *that* person is the one incapacitated; e.g., normally the HR Specialist is responsible for this but if they’re the one out it’s the HR Manager, or whatever). Obviously the company needs to cover the shipping cost with tracking, at minimum; if you can swing it, providing shipping materials would also be kind, and maybe prudent to ensure the laptop comes back in acceptable condition.

      Reply ↓
    3. Strive to Excel*

      This is somewhat less about the laptop specifically and more about login info/the reasons you’d need login info.

      – Make sure that access to employee email inboxes can be moved, as needed. If someone goes on leave unexpectedly, having someone monitor their inbox for critical client communications can be helpful. Even if it’s just senior IT.
      – Similarly, have a backup person for key clients/vendors/software. They don’t need to be perfect, but you don’t want to be in a situation where Bob is the only one who knows the information about where all the Microsoft 365 licenses are, and then Bob is out of town for a month. Having Mary as the designated backup Microsoft person means that if Bob is out of town, Mary can automatically step in.
      – Key files and information should be stored on shared servers, not on someone’s local desktop.
      – Having a template available as an OOF message is very helpful in both normalizing telling people “I’m away, please contact Mary” and in telling employees which information should be in the OOF message.
      – If you’re working with any sort of sensitive data (and I define this very broadly), your electronic devices *should* have a hard wipe and lockdown function built in. For this reason, do not make employees use their own electronic devices.

      I’ve never heard of a policy requiring a work laptop to be returned if a person is planning to go on leave; it wouldn’t be unreasonable, just a bit odd.

      Reply ↓
    4. Rara Avis*

      My employer never takes back laptops for leaves of any length. It’s hard for me to imagine the replacement not just being provided one of their own?

      Reply ↓
    5. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I was on mental health leave for about a month once. My supervisor (who was pretty much the reason for the leave) called me a few days in to ask me for my cell phone and laptop because they were onboarding someone new.
      I immediately called HR because 1) it was a short term leave and I would be needing that work equipment in a month and also all of my clients knew my phone number? and 2) no you don’t get to call me while I’m on leave and make it sound like you don’t plan on me returning because that is not helping.
      HR told me to keep my stuff and I got no more calls from my terrible supervisor.

      Even if it’s going to be a longer leave, if the worker is on payroll, their equipment should not need to be returned. And login info doesn’t get shared. Access gets added to their back up person. I would never allow someone else to use my log in because all of their activity will look like mine.

      Reply ↓
    6. HorribleIdea*

      This seems weird and problematic, and also adding a great deal to the burden of employees who may be going through something dreadful. Plus, when I went on an unexpected 3 month disability leave, I was expected to communicate with my boss about my leav using tooling found on my laptop.

      Maybe if you’re talking about a 1-2 year sabbatical it would make sense, but otherwise just leave it be.

      PS In my case I’m visually impaired and some laptops don’t work for me (they can’t handle display settings I need). I cannot tell this ahead of time and, once I find one that works, it takes me a long time to configure. I can’t drive so logistical stuff is difficult even when I’m not dealing with an illness, bereavement, or other issue. If you tried to take my laptop away it would be counterintuitive, costly, and possibly cause me to miss several extra days of work sorting out logistics and be non-productive for a few more as I configure a new machine – and possibly have to do that multiple times if some laptops don’t work for me.

      Just don’t do it.

      If you need to cut off access to certain financial or more secure systems maybe that would be understandable, but I question even that.

      Reply ↓
    7. Hyaline*

      Why? I feel like the reason you want that equipment or access to it really depends on the reason WHY you want it. If it’s because other people need the equipment to do their work, then I think it makes sense to have additional backups so you don’t bug people on leave. If it’s access to files, there’s almost certainly an IT fix- ways to log into people’s cloud storage or whatever you need to get the actual files other people need. If it’s because you’re worried about losing the laptop….idk, I’d just let it go and trust that they’ll either return with it or return it if they don’t come back or, well, if they don’t return it, it’s because their needs outweighed returning a laptop.

      Reply ↓
    8. Anon for This*

      Do you need a policy or can you base it on the person’s needs?

      I have someone out with a serious health issue. The employee wants to feel needed, so when feeling well will log on for an hour or so.

      In another case, the employee clearly wasn’t able to do any work because of the nature of the illness, so we asked her what she wanted. We picked up the laptop and suspended the account (she eventually retired for medical reasons and we then deactivated it.)

      Having general guidelines is not a bad idea, but this can be very situation dependent.

      Reply ↓
    9. Admin of Sys*

      So there’s another factor to consider, which is whether there’s something that requires the laptop to be connecting at regular intervals? Our environment has 90 day windows on licensing, so if they’re out and disconnected for more than 3 months, their machine will stop working in some ways. Similarly, if they’re offline, will their machine patch? Are their updates they’ll miss? That said, we tend to treat it from the viewpoint of worrying about it when they’re back. If necessary, there will be forwarding setup on email, and an alert set on the account that it either should be expected from unusual places (the hospital or whatever) or that it shouldn’t be expected to connect. And if they’ll miss a password change or the like, we may suspend it. But the machine is generally considered not worth worrying about unless there’s a concern the employee isn’t coming back. We make a note that there’s expected support needed when they / the machine returns, but we don’t make them send it back while they’re away.
      All that said, our office has good remote work support, so unless someone is really and truly incapable of work, they often remote in, out of boredom if not unrealistic work ethic. So there’s not many situations where someone is actually offline for more than a month.

      Reply ↓
  25. To cc/bcc or not to cc/bcc*

    I’m wondering when you cc or bcc your manager on things.

    Most of our team’s communication seems to happen in a chat client, but I have one teammate (a peer and we have the same manager) who seems to use email for certain questions or information exchanges. (it often feels like the creation of a “paper trail” in a way that both confuses me and makes me feel uncomfortable).

    This teammate does not cc our manager, but sometimes, the contents of these emails feel contentious or defensive, and sometimes I want to cc our manager but don’t because something about adding a cc feels like an escalation.

    so, are there rules or guidelines on when to cc manager? bcc feels kind of sneaky and useless to me, but maybe I am out of step with email usage and etiquette.

    thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. Colette*

      There are a couple of options.

      – forward the email to your manager and ask for input/clarification – e.g. “Hi Jen, I got this email from Chris and it seems like there’s something going on I’m not aware of – do you have any thoughts?”
      – copy your manager and explicitely say so – e.g. “I’m copying Jen because she has a better view of the timeline”

      Reply ↓
    2. WorkerDrone*

      I’m having a kind of hard time figuring out the issue here and how cc’ing your manager would address it.

      If someone is creating a paper trail, I don’t see why that would confuse or make you uncomfortable. Paper trails protect basically everyone involved, including you. If this person is being contentious, and that issue needs to be raised with your boss or HR, you now have a paper trail to prove it. Maybe you feel uncomfortable because you feel like they’re making a paper trail “at” you? Like they’re trying to gather some kind of proof of you not doing a good job? But even then, assuming you’re doing fine at your job, the paper trail doesn’t disadvantage you in any way – it still protects you in case this co-worker escalates to behavior you need to report.

      I also don’t really see why you want to cc your manager. Is it to call attention to the tone of the emails? If that’s the case, sit down with your manager and have a conversation with them, and maybe bring one or two of the emails to use as an example.

      I don’t cc my manager unless I have a clear reason for it – to ask for a timeline, or information, or alert them to a specific issue.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tio*

        I’m kind of here. If the emails have an unpleasant tone to you, take them to your manager and have her read them and give her take on whether they are or not. If they are, she is the one who needs to see them anyway, and explain what she wants you to do/respond to them with. If not, then she can help you understand how you might be reading them a little wrong and reset your expectations.

        Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      We routinely cc our manager on almost everything because it’s team-based work.

      If I’m having an issue with someone, I forward the problematic email to my manager and ask to discuss it. I might cc or bcc after that, depending on the outcome of the discussion. But I don’t cc or bcc my manager on things that they have no context on and expect them to figure out why.

      I will, on occasion, cc my manager (or someone else’s manager) if it’s really bad, chaotic, or it’s clear that we are talking in circles, but that’s a pretty aggressive callout and I use it sparingly. In that case I will start the message with something like, “Manager, can you help us sort this out?”

      Reply ↓
    4. ecnaseener*

      In general, if I’m copying someone into an ongoing conversation, I say why in the body of the email — “copying Jane to see if she knows X,” “copying Jane to keep her in the loop,” etc. If you’re not comfortable doing that (because you’d have to write something like “copying Jane so she can see you’re being contentious”), then that’s a sign not to cc, because as you said it feels like an escalation. Forward it to your manager with a brief explanation of why you want her to see it, or even bring it up with your manager outside of email and see whether she wants to see the emails.

      I’d only bcc your manager if you’d previously discussed the situation with her and she’d told you to keep her informed. Weird vibes aside, it’s impractical to bcc her with no explanation — she can’t read your mind, and if there’s no action item for her in the first couple lines she skims, she might not read the whole thing anytime soon.

      Reply ↓
  26. ArlynPage*

    I am interviewing for Job A and the hiring process is taking months, with no timeline or next steps provided. I’m also in the later stages of interviewing for Job B, but I prefer Job A and want to get an offer from them ASAP. A few days ago, I had an interview with the director of the program for Job A, which felt like a final-round sort of interview, but I haven’t heard from the recruiter or hiring manager about next steps or anything. I’m tempted to reach out to the hiring manager to let her know that I met with the director and am still really interested in the role, with the ulterior motive that I’m hoping she has a job offer or at the very least some light to shed on the timeline, but I don’t know how to phrase it in a way that isn’t too transparently like …soooo are you going to offer me the job or what?! The process so far has been:
    mid-July: applied for job A
    mid-August: phone screen with recruiter
    early Sept: interview with hiring manager
    mid Sept: interview with peer of hiring manager
    early Oct: interview with director of program

    So I haven’t communicated with the hiring manager at all since I sent a thank you after my interview with her in early September. Should I send a note to the hiring manager? Or stick with communicating with the recruiter and just wait until I hear from them?

    Reply ↓
    1. call me wheels*

      Not experienced enough to be able to say if you should reach out just yet but it seems like if you get an offer from B you would definitely be able to follow up and ask A for any updates?

      Last Friday I got a job offer from my version of job B and I said ‘I am interested but this is a temp role and there’s a permanent position I’m hoping to hear back from, can I have some time to consider’ and I emailed job A to explain the situation (didnt have any contact phone numbers). Monday morning I still hadn’t heard and job B were hoping for an answer, so I called up job A (after a lot of getting passed around different people to find someone who could answer me) and I just explained ‘I’ve been offered another job but I’m still really interested in this one, do you have any information about when a decision might be made?’ and the hr person said they were keen on me and they were just waiting for some final sign off from a manager who was in a meeting right now but she would email the offer soon. 20 mins later I got the offer, so I guess in that case it worked out because I think they were trying to make an offer soon anyway. I’m not sure I could have rushed them if they weren’t nearly ready already though.

      If you only just had the latest interview that doesn’t sound very long yet in hiring terms not to have heard anything so I hope it will go well for you! Good luck :)

      Reply ↓
      1. ArlynPage*

        Thank you! I don’t expect a decision from job B for at least a couple of weeks, so I’ve got some time to agonize!

        ( I just realized that you are the same person I replied to upthread about the job boards; congrats again on landing your job A!)

        Reply ↓
    2. ecnaseener*

      Yeah, at this point just wait — at least for a couple weeks. The hiring manager knows you met with the director, there may be other finalists who have yet to meet with the director, it’s only been a few days, sit tight.

      If you have something genuinely relevant to say, like if something came up in conversation with the director that has since inspired new thoughts for how you could approach some aspect of the position, then you could send a note about that. But it has to be good — if it’s going to come across as “Just letting you know I met with the director and we talked about X,” the HM’s going to be like “…yeah, I know.”

      Reply ↓
  27. BananaArray*

    I’m beginning to feel like I’ll never have a job I like and am good at. I start of strong — people think I’m the best thing since sliced bread for the first six months — and then I make a human error and I get scolded, condescended to, or frozen out.

    It’s really getting to me.

    Reply ↓
    1. FashionablyEvil*

      How many jobs are you talking about where this has happened? If it’s more than two, I would be looking hard at the patterns about what’s happening because this is a somewhat unusual pattern of events to have repeated across jobs.

      Reply ↓
    2. Dust Bunny*

      What else do these jobs have in common? Same industry? Similar employee demographics? Similar management styles/demographics?

      Reply ↓
    3. spcepickle*

      This is an odd pattern – I hire lots of people, some of whom are brand new to our industry, some of whom are experienced managers. Of course they make mistakes, and the 6 month mark is when I typically expect people to be moving from direct daily instruction to more independent job duties, which also means that is when they will make the most mistakes. I have never frozen them out, I have become concerned they can’t do the job I hired them for and set really clear expectations. I have also never thought a hire was the best thing since sliced bread because everyone has a learning curve even when the transfer from different departments and everyone comes in as an unknown because interviews are kind of roll of the dice.
      My guess is you get a new job, people are friendly because you are new, there are really clear cut directions because you are new, and somehow you having trouble moving into the day to day independent part of your job. I might also kindly hazard a guess that you are not as good as you think you are. There are tons of letters on this website, I am thinking of the intern who tried to get the dress code changed, or the guy who swears he never makes mistakes, where someone goes into a job trying to change everything or thinking they know everything and it ends poorly. So with your next job maybe go in with the idea that you spend the first 6 months learning, listening, figuring out the culture. Then ramp up from there to be your most spectacular self.

      Reply ↓
    4. NaoNao*

      I had this pattern and it lead to me getting a late in life diagnosis of Autism, which can present very differently in women (if you are a woman!). One thing I had to realize is that my technical skill is not enough. Building relationships and making friends–especially those that will support you, “cover” for you, defend you, or overlook human error, is huge. It may in fact be more important than technical skill in 90% of jobs. Use the company recognition system, use emoji or punctuation in emails to show enthusiasm, go out of your way to do small talk and jokes and whatnot on calls, read the room, and ask for help. People like to help and show expertise, let them!

      My “job” is not my job. My job is making my boss and the rest of the people “up the ladder” look good. So if a project is ambitious and exciting but has the potential to blow up and backfire, don’t suggest it. Slow and steady, and things the boss can take credit for and brag about is key. Whatever they SAY your job is, it’s not. It’s making the team look good. So that might be one reason why mistakes are causing a freeze-out–because a boss or bigwig got wrist-slapped because of that mistake.

      Another thing I had to do was learn to explain less. Even if I’m technically correct with a mistake or it’s very understandable, I had to swallow my pride and say “That’s on me. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.” and leave it at that unless it’s a consistent pattern from someone else or genuine undermining or something.

      Always credit the team–*any* kudos you get, turn it around and thank the boss who’s giving it and the team under/around you. Make it clear that you succeed *and fail* as a team.

      Reply ↓
    5. Not Carolina*

      That is a very strange thing to have experienced repeatedly! Both the excessive praise and enthusiasm to begin with, and the extreme negative response to a mistake. Neither of those are typical ways to treat an employee, which makes me very curious – and concerned – about your workplaces and their culture and norms.

      Things I’d be reflecting on in your shoes: How many times has this actually happened? Is it possible that some of this may be your perception rather than an objective fact? Are you typically a perfectionist, and/or do you struggle with taking feedback and making mistakes? What do those workplaces have in common, and why did you wind up in multiple places that behaved in this very unusual and atypical manner – is there something about the type of work, the field, or your location perhaps, that makes this more likely than is usual in general?

      Reply ↓
  29. AnonForThis*

    Someone screwed up and got caught violating our institution’s moonlighting policy by working two jobs undisclosed; it’s a hospital so issues like malpractice coverage/etc. affects many personnel, and thus the policy is applied to everyone.

    Now my department – which has had most of us WFH since March 2020 – is having various divisions come in paired up a couple days a month to make sure we’re actually still working in-state (except where previously disclosed and approved) and doing the work. (They claim it’s for collaborating but we’re being paired with teams we don’t really work with much and I can’t see what would be useful to be done in a single day per month.)

    Plus we have activity tracking logs now. My division used to be very flexed in terms of hours worked but generally at least one person was working at pretty much any hour of the day, or at least from the wee hours of the morning until rather late at night. However, we’re being told that even though we’re exempt, we’re expected to not have flexibility in terms of working hours – we have to hold to a certain ‘core hours’ baseline (9-3) and not have any unexplained gaps in the day.

    This is basically encouraging us to not work ‘above and beyond’ as sometimes things will come in early/late and some people would previously work outside of standard hours to get something pushed through.

    I’m just annoyed. I know the activity tracking may be temporary, and the amount of return-to-office isn’t that burdensome, but my division at least was doing our work and doing BETTER by being able to be available at a wide span of time. And now we’re being pushed into not being able to break up our work availability across the day among the team.

    Reply ↓
    1. DisneyChannelThis*

      One rotten apple always ruins the whole pie!

      At least 9-3 is giving you a couple hours flex time still, 9-5 is 8 hours so you’ve got 2 hrs you could hold for late night work or early morning work. I’d push back on rushing work through outside of hours and cite the 9-3 as the reason why. You deserve downtime that’s not thinking about work or doing work! Long term, a work culture of after 5pm it can wait until tomorrow is so much healthier and it sounds like that may be the result of this shift at least!

      Reply ↓
  30. Veruca Salt*

    I would definitely start to look around. None of these signals bode well, and its hard to pin-point what this PE Firm’s underlying motivation is. If they’re looking to sell in a couple of years, they’ll reduce overhead to increase EBITDA. If it was a strategic acquisition, they’ll be looking at what functions they can consolidate across their holdings, e.g., recruitment.

    When you take over a company, the golden rule is say that everything is great and will remain the same. This gives you the upper hand to get in there and see what you in fact do what to eliminate, outsource or consolidate. Obviously, I’m a bit of a skeptic when it comes to PE acquisitions. Maybe others have had rosier experiences.

    Regardless, it does not sound like things are heading in the right direction. You have one-and-a-half years under your belt which is not nothing, a corporate shake-up is as good a reason as any to leave a position, and Andy sucks.

    Reply ↓
  31. Cancer: Zero Stars, Hated It*

    Staying invested/motivated question:

    I am nearing the one year since I was diagnosed with cancer. Before the diagnosis, I was job searching. My job has the kind of health insurance that is unheard of in the US — basically everything has been covered at 100% and I’ve spent less than $500, including chemo, surgery, expensive immunotherapies, prescriptions, etc. Which is all to say, I have to stay at this job for the next few years as my treatment continues, because there is just no replicating this amazing insurance (at a medium sized non-profit, it’s a wild situation).

    But now that the worst of it is over (for now, barring recurrence), I … do not want to do any work. I’m not depressed. I want to do everything else that is not work. But the things that bugged me about my job before have only gotten worse. I’m in my mid-40s; retirement is NOT close at hand. So folks who have dealt with having to stay at a job that was just meh and unfulfilling, how did you stay and stay sane? And people who are dealing with things like cancer, when “what really matters” is front and center, and it is not your job. Except the part where that’s how you get to keep living. How do you just keep doing?

    Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. ArlynPage*

      First of all, congratulations on making it through your initial cancer treatment, and also I’m sorry you had to go through it and feel trapped at your current job. It might be worth taking a look at some job boards to see if any other role _does_ have great healthcare benefits, just to make sure you are truly stuck at this one. You might find that another role exists that is more exciting to you and can almost match the amazing benefits you currently have.

      If not, it might be worth looking into other roles at your nonprofit; is there a way to move to another role? Or can you talk with your manager about reducing your hours/days in a way that allows you to do something more inspiring with your time?

      Reply ↓
    2. Mrs. Rabbit*

      I struggled with similar feelings after my cancer treatments. Did you take substantial time off after treatment? Throughout mine, I kept working. While I was in the thick of chemo and everything, I guess I wanted normalcy? Something that wasn’t about me being sick? But towards the end, I was DONE. With everything. I was TIRED. I felt like nothing mattered. So I took two weeks off and loafed around. This may not resonate with you, but have you tried taking a few weeks of FMLA to let your body and brain reset from “I am actively dying” to “Okay, life will go on much the way it did before”?

      Also, huge congrats to you for getting through this!

      Reply ↓
      1. Cancer: Zero Stars, Hated It*

        Thanks for sharing your experience. I also worked during chemo (3 days/week), but took six weeks off after surgery, which came after chemo. Honestly, the surgery recovery was really easy [and not just in comparison to chemo — I legit just didn’t really have any issues and never had any pain, which … hooray and unexpected], so I didn’t “need” the six weeks. I work from home and would have been physically fine to go back after like 2 weeks. So I did feel like the following month was a reset. And yet. I’ve now been back for a few months and just mehhhhhh.

        Congrats to you as well on your journey. I definitely do not recommend cancer if you can avoid it, but I have been fortunate to have a ton of support and love.

        Reply ↓
    3. BellaStella*

      As a fellow cancer surviver congrats on making it thru this! Can you discuss options for a change (from maybe working 80% only to something like more interesting work) with your boss? Also can you take some fmla time off at the end of the year or ow to rest and reset?

      Reply ↓
      1. Blarg*

        I have been STRONGLY considering going down to 80% in the new year. I think I could afford it. Just didn’t want to ‘knee jerk’ that option, thus the waiting a bit before I choose. Because of our always not-quite-ideal funding, I may have a hard time going back up to full time later, but I’m leaning towards taking that risk.

        Reply ↓
    4. Rara Avis*

      I was going to post a very similar question. I finished cancer treatment in May, and am in theory back to normal. But everything about works seems more overwhelming, less manageable, and I’m exhausted all the time. I’m a teacher, so I had the summer off to recover, but I guess it wasn’t enough. But I need to keep my job to cover the rent and health insurance. So no helpful advice, just commiseration. I hope there are longer-term survivors who have more helpful words to offer.

      Reply ↓
    5. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Congratulations on your recovery!

      I was in a similar situation (not cancer) 3 years away from retirement. My health was deteriorating but couldn’t retire before the set date. I was burned out and had a few sessions with an EAP counselor to help me get through things. Do you have an EAP program at your job? I was also able to get a transfer to another office, so that helped too.
      When I told her that I felt like I was in jail with my job she told me that wasn’t the case (or something nicer, can’t remember the exact words)
      She said that I CHOSE to stay in the job until retirement to get my full pension and health benefits and that I was in control of the situation. That was so VERY helpful in reframing my emotions and something I refer back to since then when I find myself upset about something. Combined with the new office, this shift in my thinking really helped me get to my retirement date in a better place and not so miserable.
      And then 3 months from my retirement date, the world went into lockdown…. but then I was finally able to catch up on my rest!

      Reply ↓
    6. Procrastination For the Win*

      I’m about 18 months out from finishing chemotherapy and nearly done with immunotherapy (one more infusion, yay!), and, wow, do I feel this. I worked through chemo, then had a couple of months off during the summer (education-related field) before returning to work and immunotherapy. That first semester back after my time off was incredibly difficult because I just Did Not Care about work. I was pretty burned out before the cancer diagnosis which might be part of the problem.

      I was able to pivot away from some responsibilities I disliked and made the conscious decision to lean hard into the aspects of the job that I enjoy and that feed my soul. Also I very consciously decided to let things go at work–not my responsibilities, but the politics, the upset over stupid decisions my bosses make, the pettiness of some coworkers. None of it matters and I no longer give it much space in my brain. I deliberately prioritize my own well-being. I’m ok at work now. To be honest, though, I think it’s as much just time passing as all the other things I did. I needed time to process everything that happened to me and settle into my new world.

      Reply ↓
      1. Blarg*

        Thank you for this insight. And congrats on nearing the end of trips to the infusion center! Your “I just Did Not Care about work” really sums up how I am feeling. I am trying to not be annoyed with regular work stuff, but I’ve always been the one who would advocate for stuff, the one who pushes back, so everyone still comes to me with their frustrations. I want to care, I just … cannot. Anyway, it is reassuring that maybe time passing will really help. I don’t want to feel so disengaged and blah about how I spend so much of my day!

        Reply ↓
  32. Riley*

    Bottom line up front: The last person to hold my job won’t let go of it. I’m looking for advice on how to encourage everyone involved to start insisting that she let me do the job I was hired for.

    I am a chemist. I was recently hired from the outside into a lead position. I am not a supervisor; I am a lead for a project. My group has a number of different projects, and each project has a lead. The leads like myself and the individual contributors all report to the same manager. So it’s sort of flat but with senior positions within the group.
    This position opened up when the lead, call them Pat, moved into a more strategy oriented position within the department. They no longer report to my supervisor, who I’ll call Marion.
    Neither I nor anyone else wants Pat to just stop doing the lead responsibilities overnight and dump it all in my lap. However, they are not letting go of *any* lead responsibilities, to the point that when I brought up in the team meeting that I was going to be discussing with Marion how the handover was going to work, Pat went to Marion to say that she wasn’t ready to hand it over yet.
    Now, Pat took their new role at least six months ago. My interview, which included Pat, was like three months ago. They has known that this is coming. Marion and their supervisor are both repeatedly telling me that they are glad that I am here because this role really needed to be filled. So this is not some kind of All About Eve situation where I am a new upstart trying to push out an established person. My management chain wanted the role to be filled, and I am the person who was hired to fill it. I would like to do the job that I was hired to do. Pat wants me to be an individual contributor for a while, and I am not interested in that. I very specifically took this job because of the project leadership opportunity.
    The former person not letting go of their role is very very common, and I have seen letters about it here. The twist is that due to her strategic position, it is vitally important that we, meaning the team, the group, the department, and especially I, maintain a good relationship with Pat. So I have to handle them with kid gloves.
    I am looking for advice on how to really get Marion to see that they needs to be putting a plan in place for Pat to start handing over responsibilities to me because I took this job with the assumption that it would be a lead position. My vision is some kind of phased transition over 3 to 6 months, starting with day-to-day responsibilities. Pat and I would work very closely for 1 to 3 months and gradually phase out to interacting only during team meetings and sporadically as needed. Marion is the one with the authority, which is why I’m going to be looking to them to do the heavy lifting of insisting on some kind of transition plan. I have a feeling I am going to have to basically be some kind of transition plan Cyrano for them, however.
    Any advice on talking to Marion to get them on board, and on some ways for Marion (And eventually me) to talk to Pat and is appreciated!

    Reply ↓
    1. Lady Lessa*

      No answers, just sympathy, since I was in a similar position. 3 month overlap, but my predecessor didn’t bother to help me in the chemistries that I didn’t know.

      Good luck, and hope that the company knows how to onboard newcomers. (That was another major issue also)

      Reply ↓
    2. Can everyone win?*

      Your Cyrano analogy sounds spot on. You may have to create a step by step plan with dates & specific duties to give Marion. Let her present it to Pat as her own plan, which will help her feel like a win. With you ghost writing it in the background (& tweaking as time goes on), it could be a win for Pat & you.

      Reply ↓
  33. Bookworm*

    I was two days for something medical recently. When I came back, I found that ALL my self-supplied office supplies were missing. Pens, highlighters, the really nice bigger Postage-Its, white out correction tape pens. I was furious. Turns out a new employee in another department didn’t like the office supplied stuff (which is why I buy my own) and went surfing the empty cubes to find supplies left over from other people.

    Why he thought my supplies were for the taking, I have no clue. They were all in a drawer and my desk was clearly not unoccupied. Files on desk, calendar showing current date, etc.

    I raised holy hell. I was the only one in the office who used those pens so it was easy enough to find them, plus my bright colored Post-Its were all over his monitors. Small company, and everyone aware of what I used. Why no one questioned him, I don’t know. I took my stuff back while his manager watched. I told him I was not happy with my stuff to be stolen. I was pissed, but polite aka no profanity. His manager talked to him, but he’s still there. I’m told he does his work competently, which may be why they kept him. That position was open for a long time. He steers clear of me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Having a Scrummy Week*

      Why would he be fired for taking office supplies from a colleague’s desk, if his work is fine otherwise? In many office cultures, it’s a free-for-all, so most likely he thought it was the same in your workplace. I understand your frustration, but the stern talking-t0 from his manager and re-establishment of boundaries seems like an appropriate solution.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bookworm*

        He took my PERSONAL supplies, not ones the office supplied. I’ve been other places where people who did the same were fired. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting to happen to him.

        Reply ↓
        1. Michelle Smith*

          Were they labeled as personal supplies? I’m just not convinced by what you’ve said that he knew they were purchased with your own money.

          Reply ↓
          1. Bookworm*

            Yes, they all were labeled with my initials on the boxes of pens/highlighters/white out tape and on plastic packages of Post-Its. He took it all from my drawer. The labeled boxes/packages were in his desk. He just didn’t take one of each, he took two boxes of pens, one box of highlighters, two boxes of white out tape pens, and two packages of Post-Its.

            The rest of the office uses cheapy stick pens, standard yellow one size post it notes, yellow only highlighters, and a store brand of white out pens.

            Reply ↓
            1. Tio*

              It’s rude of him to take these things when they’re different, and he deserved the talking to, but just putting your initial on supplies doesn’t necessarily scream to me “spent my own personal money” and I’m pretty seasoned. For a single one time offense he has received an appropriate punishment, and if anything has been used up your boss or his can probably replace it for you if you push. But you need to take some deep breaths before you ask, because as others have said this is a REALLY outsized reaction to the situation.

              Reply ↓
        2. Bast*

          If the employee is new, they likely didn’t know the supplies were your own. I get being annoyed by this, but I wouldn’t hold it against him. If anything, I’d be more annoyed that the TEAM didn’t say anything. “Hey, those are Bookworm’s personal supplies; they weren’t supplied by the company.” Why would you expect a new person to just know this if no one said anything?

          Reply ↓
        3. Dust Bunny*

          I think sorta-expecting him to be fired for a so-far one-time taking of office supplies is a bit much. If he had stolen your purse or something that was clearly personal, yeah, I’d expect him to be fired. Also, you say he was a new employee in a different department, so are you sure he was clear on how personal they were?

          Reply ↓
        4. Paint N Drip*

          It seems like you view it as stealing (on the surface, a correct assumption) but a new employee likely doesn’t know what the normal supplies are; seems like an honest mistake but that’s personally not something I think someone should be fired over.

          Reply ↓
        5. Charlotte Lucas*

          I don’t think it’s a fireable offense, but I do agree that it’s pretty sketchy to go through someone else’s desk drawers without a valid work reason. And then take stuff! Even if those hadn’t been personal supplies, you still don’t scavenge from desks people are actively using (even if they aren’t physically present at the moment).

          He should have just asked how he could also get better supplies.

          Reply ↓
          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yes, this. When I was on the front desk at OldExjob, people would steal my pens and borrow my stapler all the time. It really bugged me. I’m kinda surprised that everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that he went into someone else’s desk. I would NEVER do this unless someone told me to my face to get something from their drawer.

            It sounds like they don’t intend to fire him for it and the manager did handle it. I think that’s the best you can expect, Bookworm. I’m sorry this happened.

            Reply ↓
            1. Lurker*

              I don’t disagree, BUT at the end of the day, it’s not your/Bookworm’s desk – it’s company property.

              Reply ↓
              1. Charlotte Lucas*

                But your property could be in the drawers, or confidential information.

                Legal and ethical and polite are not exact equivalents.

                Reply ↓
                1. Tio*

                  Nothing in an unlocked desk drawer is confidential. Or locked, even. If you are out, your boss has every right to go through those drawers to look for something. It would be rude of them to go through your medical files without reason, for example, if you left them in there, but rude is not necessarily a firing offense. And what this person did is not anything remotely as bad as this.

                2. Charlotte Lucas*

                  A. This wasn’t a boss. It was a coworker from a different team/area.

                  B. I never agreed about firing.

            2. OfficeWars*

              That’s great, but at most offices I’ve been in office supplies are considered fair game, as are unlocked desk drawers.

              If I needed something that appeared to be out of stock in the central suppliers location I’d go looking for it around the office before I asked someone to buy it for me.

              Initials on a box would not make me think they’re private property. I’d need a note on top of the drawer or similar if it wasn’t locked up.

              That’s just been normal operating procedure at dozens of offices.

              Sorry, but to me you’re seriously overreacting.

              Reply ↓
              1. Charlotte Lucas*

                Maybe it depends on the size of the office, availability of supplies (I know exactly how to request what I need), and type of industry?

                Reply ↓
          2. WellRed*

            Agreed. He went into your desk drawer FFS. I don’t think this is a firing offense but I’m surprised at the comments thinking this is ok. It’s not ok to take your lunch or your personal supplies.

            Reply ↓
          3. Random Bystander*

            Exactly! I haven’t been in-office for years, but when I was, we had a cabinet in a room (supply plus the giant printer that could also collate was in there) which had designated drawers for all the sorts of supplies that were supplied by the office and shelves for the paper goods. Going into the room to grab whatever supplies you needed–fine. Grabbing supplies from someone’s desk was never ok.

            Reply ↓
        6. Hyaline*

          Like–right, they’re yours and you have every right to ask for them back, but unless you’re in his head or he actively announced “I do not like the supplies in the closet, I’m going to steal from my coworkers” you don’t know that he was attempting to steal personal property. He may have thought it was communal stuff and while it’s weird to take it from someone else’s desk, I can’t in a million years imagine firing someone for that and only that.

          Reply ↓
    2. Cordelia*

      you expected him to be fired for taking your post-its?? You took your stuff back, you told him you were not happy with his behaviour, his manager has also addressed it with him. That should be end of story, let it go.

      Reply ↓
    3. WorkerDrone*

      It sounds like this was likely a mistaken belief they were supplied by the office – it’s annoying and kind of rude to raid a co-worker’s desk for office-supplied supplies but also nowhere near a fireable offense. I think assuming this was a malicious “I know these were personally bought by someone else but I am going to steal them anyways” is a little much (unless you know for a fact – as in, he has actively admitted knowing they were your personal belongings). It’s more likely it was, “Oh, this desk no one is at has the good stuff, I’ll grab that.”

      To me, this was handled completely appropriately (you got your stuff back and he was spoken to). I can’t imagine why you would have wanted or expected him fired for it. If anything, I think “raising holy hell” was over the top.

      Reply ↓
    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      Yeah, I can see why you were ticked off. I would be too. But “raising holy hell” and expecting this person to actually be fired is a huge overreaction.

      Reply ↓
      1. Overreacting*

        Honestly, if you reacted like this in anything but the private depths of your inner dialogue, I’d think you were deranged.

        Reply ↓
    5. Daphne*

      Weird how you described how your personal supplies were different from the bog standard office supplies, but a bunch of people still think he couldn’t tell they were different.
      Sounds like it was a first offense, and it was office supplies rather than a wallet or similar. I’m not super surprised he was kept on rather than fired.

      Reply ↓
    6. StressedButOkay*

      Back when I was not fully remote, I would label some of the office supplied stuff that I used at my desk with my initials (stapler, mostly, that thing always walked off). So I wouldn’t necessarily, especially as a new person, have known that those were supplies not bought by the office – heck, even the nicer things are sometimes supplied by the office.

      I get being upset that someone went through your desk when you were out for something medical – that’s super stressful by itself. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel’s back after being away but it sounds like you need to take a bit of a step back and not look at this like he deliberately stole from you.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bookworm*

        Thanks for the different look at it. The medical stuff could have been something very serious, but thankfully wasn’t. Coming back and not having a single pen or Post-It at my desk to use was probably the last straw after the medical stuff. Where I’ve worked in the past, rummaging through a coworker’s desk and taking *anything* was a fireable offense. I’ve scavenged through clearly unoccupied desks myself at other jobs for supplies. But going into someone’s drawers at an occupied desk? That’s very much a no-go.

        Reply ↓
        1. Bitte Meddler*

          I’ve worked at places where going through someone else’s desk maybe wouldn’t get you *fired* but… you’d have to do everything perfectly for months and months afterward.

          And I’ve worked at places where having your initials on something didn’t mean diddly. People would just assume you were laying claim to company-purchased items. At those places, I had to write on my items in permanent marker “Personal Property of Bitte Meddler”.

          New Guy could have come from the 2nd kind of place and is now super embarrassed for getting it wrong. [He could also be the type who simply feels entitled to other people’s stuff, but I’d opt for the more generous interpretation unless he does something like this again).

          Reply ↓
      2. Bast*

        The office manager at my old job would comply with the requests as long as they weren’t too ridiculous and didn’t cost a lot. We were a small office, so this likely played into their willingness to accommodate requests. Most people didn’t really care because a stapler was a stapler, etc, however, we had one person who requested pink supplies when they were ordered. She had a pink stapler, pink staple remover, pink sticky notes, pink highlighters, a pink mouse, etc. For the most part, we left her stuff alone, because there was the acknowledgement that the pink stuff was bought for that specific team member, and if we wanted something different, we just had to ask. That being said, if, for whatever reason, we ran out of sticky notes before the next order came in, and the pink stickies were all that was left, well, pink stickies it was, because at the end of the day, those were company supplies. When said team member left our office, the supplies stayed in the office, because they were the property of the company, not team member. I realize that this differs from the OP post in that OP’s supplies actually were their own, but my point is exactly yours — that it wasn’t necessarily obvious to this person.

        Reply ↓
    7. OfficeOwnership*

      It’s not your desk, it’s the company’s desk. I felt violated the first time I came into an office and found the company gave my desk to someone else to use after clearing out all of my personal stuff including my locked drawer withp medication, medical supplies, and paperwork related to hiring/getting paid like my copy of timesheets and the employment agreement. I don’t actually know that everything in my drawers made it into the bag they gave me (the medication and paperwork did). They had decided only folks working 5 days a week in the office should have permanent assigned desks; everyone else would hot desk (this was pre-pandemic in a mixed onsite/hybrid environment). It’s their office and they had the right to do it.

      You have to accept that anything you keep at the office could potentially be seen or used by someone else. Presumably stuff in a locked drawer would only be accessed in cases like the one I mention above, but it’s not your space and any stuff you bring into it may be handled in ways you don’t like without it being a crime.

      Reply ↓
    9. Valine*

      Are you OK? This is a really big reaction to have to something that is annoying but ultimately not that important. You got your stuff back, he got told off, it’s handled. But you were expecting him to get fired for this?! You “raised holy hell” instead of just going to talk to him, pointing out his mistake, and asking for your stuff back. Your idea of polite is that you didn’t use profanity? That’s WILD to me. If I worked there, my sympathy would be with the new guy who made an understandable if unfortunate mistake and got reamed out by an irrationally over-reacting colleague. And he would not be the only one steering clear of you!

      I suspect there is something deeper and more concerning going on with you that you don’t feel in control of – how’s your health situation after those two days? – and you are lashing out at this guy in response because it’s easier, more manageable etc. You might want to get some help if this rings any bells for you. You deserve to be able to handle things better than this, and your colleagues deserve that too.

      Reply ↓
    10. Unkempt Flatware*

      Whoa! This is a very disproportionate reaction to the event. It is absolutely wrong of him that he went through your desk and took things as his own. It is absolutely wrong of you to want him fired for it this event.

      Reply ↓
  34. Mystic*

    I have a question between managing correctly and micromanaging, because I’m beginning to fail at my job, since I have to fit 40+ hrs is supervisor work into 40hrs. one of my reports is struggling to do his job. I send a daily list of stuff to do, and then they’re more or less supposed to do it by themselves, but always asking questions (he was trained 12+ weeks and should be able to finish everything on his list with no problems.) he can’t do it, but I can’t tell if I’m just following up or micromanaging (ex, by 10:30am, he should be done with a quarter of his list, as it takes at most 5m per case), and he has to send me a list, just stating if he’s done then, and if he hasn’t been able to do it, I call and ask why, and then have to direct him to start the next section, then by about 1pm he should have another quarter of the list done (this is easy, at his stage, it should take no longer than 30m per item) and hes not there. I Don’t know i need to keep following up or does that tip it too far?

    Reply ↓
    1. TCO*

      I think you need to consider terminating this employee. That level of hand-holding is way over the top. If that’s what he needs, then he’s not capable of doing this job.

      Reply ↓
    2. Cordelia*

      I don’t think following up in this way is helpful really. Is the problem that he is slacking off and thats why he’s not getting the work done quickly enough? In which case he needs to work harder, but you can just set the expectation that he has done X items by the end of the day, and do this for a week. If not done, fire him. You’re both wasting time with this checking in throughout the day.
      It sounds more like that he doesn’t have the skills to the job, in which case just pushing him to work faster isn’t going to help. What is he asking questions about, what is he getting stuck on? You need to clarify this, and then decide if more training is worth the investment, or if he is just not going to be able to do it.

      Reply ↓
    3. ArtK*

      Have you laid out the problem directly? “Fergus, I’ve given you a list of tasks that I expect you to complete in a day; frequently you don’t get them all done. It’s important that all of these be completed on time. What can we do to make sure that you get everything done?”

      I agree that checking in every few hours is micromanaging and it’s not going to solve the problem. You need to find out what the underlying problem is: Bad time management? Lack of understanding? Lack of resources? You also need to make sure that your expectations are truly achievable. Do you have other employees who can get through the list with ease?

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        I agree. It sounds also like he’s kind of new, given the “he was trained 12+ weeks” comment, although I do admit I could be wrong about that. And if he is pretty new and still isn’t performing the way other employees do after all the training, that might be a sign that he isn’t the right person for the job and you need to terminate him. But before you do that, be directly, like ArtK suggests and tell him what you need from him and ask him if he still needs more training or some other kind of support. It’s possible that he’s just a slower learner than other employees have been and with more training he could catch up and be fabulous, or that he needs something specific to be able to do his job better and was afraid to ask.

        That said, I am leaning towards the “he’s probably not the right person for the job” possibility here. Which is too bad, but it’s better to know that now and part ways with him rather than trying to micromanage him for a year and then have to part ways with him anyway.

        Reply ↓
        1. Tio*

          Falling on this too. Be really clear about this, and ask specific questions. How long do you spend on each task? What task takes you the longest? Break down a full day of your workflow to me. If he can’t account for all his time, that’s a sign he’s not using it right. If he can but everything is taking him too long, that’s a sign he’s not performing the tasks well. If it’s just one or two tasks, shadow those tasks and see why he seems to be going slower than you expect. Is he not following the right processes? Is he making mistakes he has to correct? Drill down into that.

          That said – he might just not be good at this, and you’ll have to decide to let him go. Have a clear timeline and communicate it for improvement and let him know his job is on the line.

          Reply ↓
    4. Double A*

      It sounds like you have him on a PIP without having him on a PIP. Yes, this kind of follow up is micromanaging if it’s indefinite. If it’s part of a specific timeline where the employee either improves or is fired, then it’s not too much. It’s supportive towards a specific goal and also time limited, then it’s useful.

      Reply ↓
  35. A way to set notification for "Outlook meeting ENDS in x minutes"?*

    It appears that Outlook calendar doesn’t have a feature to notify the user when a meeting is soon to end. I host meetings that don’t end on the hour or half-hour but rather at 25 minutes, 50 minutes, etc. During a busy day I could use a notification to help me keep track of the wrap-up time. Has anyone figured out a workaround for managing this, either within Outlook or otherwise?

    Reply ↓
    2. Hlao-roo*

      You can create an appointment in Outlook that is 0 min long* (ex. Start time at 10:25am, end time at 10:25am) and then set the reminder to 5/10/15min (whatever chunk of time works best for you). That way you’ll get the same Outlook pop-up notification you do for the start of the meeting, but 5/10/15min before the end of the meeting.

      If 0 min exactly doesn’t work, make the appointment 1 min long (10:25-10:26). You can also set the appointment to “free” so other people won’t see you as “busy” for that 1 min.

      Reply ↓
  36. Ellis Bell*

    UK educator with a question about the American education system, here. So, usually I know better than to believe fictional depictions of any profession because the writers usually think: “There’ll be no cops/nurses/teachers watching, and if they are, they will be shushed by any civilians in the room, so … we can just make it up!”. However the school drama I’m watching at the moment implies a situation that anyone who had gone to an American high school would know about and whether it’s true or not. This has made me wonder! So, I’m currently watching English Teacher, which is set in Texas and the most recent episode involves the teacher giving the entire class a failing mark because they all handed in completely terrible essays. This is described as “brave” because it’s going to affect their college applications and apparently the parents are going to be up in arms and will blame the teacher. So my questions are as follows: 1) Do colleges really accept grades that come from the kid’s own teachers instead of from external bodies, like exams? My understanding was that the SATs were the formal exams for college applications. and 2) Are teachers really personally on the hook for whether kids get into college or not? (I suspect this is the bit where it gets super fictional). To be fair, during COVID, we had to give the graduating students their final high school grades ourselves because holding exams was impossible. But because the risk of being biased towards our own students was so great, we anonymised the papers and distributed them to other teachers in the school. Even predicted grades have to be given through a whole school system, not some particular teachers whim (but this system is not perfect). How off base is this TV show?

    Reply ↓
    1. Watry*

      College applications are usually a mishmash of SAT or ACT scores, grade point average (the average of their grade from every class, which are given by the teacher), extracurriculars, and sometimes an entrance essay. Specific programs may focus more on grades from particular subject areas, and grades for any particular class are given by the teacher.

      As for question 2: legally or morally? No. But parents do sometimes get upset if a teacher gives a grade the parent feels the kid doesn’t deserve or will hurt their college chances.

      Reply ↓
    2. Dust Bunny*

      With the caveat that I graduated in the mid-1990s so my familiarity with high schools and college applications is a bit outdated:

      1) Yes, when I was in school, grade-point average was a consideration for college admission, though it was certainly not the only consideration. SAT scores probably counted for more. But one essay shouldn’t tank you unless maybe it was the final exam (in which case everyone shouldn’t have done so poorly because presumably this teacher has been in charge of their education all year). However, some schools weight honors classes more than regular ones to pad GPA, and my college recalculated those so that all levels of classes were on the same scale.

      2) No. But entitled parents and kids will blame them. I did have a few teachers who gave final exams that I think were well above the level of difficulty they had given us in classwork, but it wasn’t going to fail the whole class.

      Honestly, there is a lot of stuff shown in high school movies that doesn’t look at all like my high school experience. Schools in movies always seem to be smaller and viciously cliquish, and mine was big enough that most of us were pretty anonymous and were left alone.

      Reply ↓
    3. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Oh, this is a fun question!

      1) Well, colleges would be looking at the students’ GPAs, so indirectly they’re basing their decisions on the grades assigned by teachers? The turnaround wouldn’t be immediate, obviously…I vaguely remember having to submit my final HS records after being admitted to my university, because they could have rescinded the offer if my grades had taken a nosedive.

      2) No, I don’t think teachers are on the hook in any way on whether students get into colleges, but the parents sure might act like they are. I’ve never heard of a school doing an anonymized school-wide grading approach! In the US, individual teachers are grading the work for their specific classes. So the reaction of the parents is probably accurate here.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        People were kind of terrified, and so relieved, by the anonymous marking idea, because usually the exam board decides entirely who passes/fails exams and the government basically said “you’re it” to teachers. In some cases these are kids we’ve taught for five years, so we really wouldn’t have been unbiased. It’s completely different when you’re just marking your class’s work to give them feedback or to assess their knowledge. In those cases it’s better that the class teacher handles it because it’s part of ongoing teaching.

        Reply ↓
    4. Miss Fisher*

      So yes and no. You take the SAT as part of the application process, but colleges also look at your overall Grade Point Average. They do get high school transcripts that show the grades they receive in each class, but that is an overall average from report cards and not necessarily from 1 school assignment. I will add this takes place in Texas where high school football is really big. If you fail classes and your GPA drops, you cannot play ball. This is a very big deal since the scouts from colleges come to games to watch players play in order to get sports scholarships, so the mom yelling at him about football was also accurate.

      I will also add, the SAT here isn’t like the (forgive the Harry Potter analogy, because I don’t remember the actual real life term) OWLS.

      Reply ↓
      2. Ellis Bell*

        The real life term for OWLs? That would be GCSEs which are sat at 16 and which determine whether you “stay on” at school and what courses you can do at A Level. A Level (advanced GCSEs) are the exams which get you into university and are the real life term for NEWTS.

        Reply ↓
    5. Ama*

      No that’s pretty accurate – there are state wide exams to graduate high school in a lot of places but colleges don’t use those scores during the admissions process (a lot of times you don’t take those exams until well after the college application deadline). And many colleges don’t require SAT scores now because of known biases in standardized testing. Colleges mostly use transcripts, which have the grades you were given by the teacher of each individual class.

      That said I would be curious for the context of this fictional teacher failing the entire class due to *one* bad essay – generally you would have enough graded assignments and/or tests that everything would average out and one failure wouldn’t tank your final grade. (Also maybe I just had more reasonable teachers but most of the ones I had in high school would have allowed students to rewrite the essay within a certain time frame.) That’s the part that feels exaggerated for Hollywood to me.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oh for sure it was exaggerated. I suspected it was technically true (because too many people would have been able to call bullshit on it) but logistically no teacher would put up long term with the kind of parental hell this teacher did. And all teachers put up with a fair amount from parents…

        Reply ↓
    6. Glazed Donut*

      I haven’t watched the show (it’s on my list!) but to answer your questions: 1) colleges ask for both external tests (the SATs, ACT, AP exams) and the student’s GPA, which is made from teachers’ class grades (ex: biology grade from 9th grade, 10th grade algebra, etc). 2) likely an individual teacher is not…but in many schools, there’s a groupwide effort to promote college-going rates amongst the whole high school through college recruitment fairs, teachers talking about their own college experiences, banners/pennants from colleges, etc. No one is going to say, “Mr. Smith, you are the reason Johnny didn’t get into college” if that’s what you’re asking. I guess if Mr. Smith taught a must-pass class for graduation, and Johnny failed it, there could be an argument there, but in my experience those situations are a multiple-attempts moment, not a one-and-done.

      Reply ↓
    7. Texan in exile on her phone*

      A friend is an English teacher at an expensive private school in Silicon Valley and yes she is absolutely pressured to give her students the grades they need to get into an Ivy. Parent attitudes are that they are paying tens of thousands of dollars dor this school and it better be worth it.

      Reply ↓
      2. Ellis Bell*

        Honestly, I got a lot of that just teaching in a state school, but where the parents were really well off. They seemed to think it was my job to carry the students, and any slacking was my fault. I would not have enjoyed a situation where I was marking their final grades for university applications.

        Reply ↓
        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Yeah, I once subbed in a school in a very wealthy party of Ireland and was told my first week that there had been a complaint about me. I wasn’t told the details but I can guess from context: I had one 3rd year class (the year we do the Junior Cert. which isn’t quite our equivalent of the G.C.S.E.s because it isn’t counted for anything, but…is as close as we get to an equivalent) and the teacher’s notes were a bit vague. She said they needed to finish a practice paper so I assumed that meant they had a significant amount to do on it and gave them the first class to work on it when she’d really meant they were nearly finished (and they didn’t let me know) so I suspect parents complained that we didn’t get enough covered in the first class I had with that group.

          Now, to be fair, I was covering for the last term, so I guess parents were concerned about students having a sub teacher so close to the exam but this was par for the course. In the interview, the principal warned me that if I got the job, she’d prefer I came to her with any issues that arose, because the parents there would be contacting her.

          And honestly, Ireland is still dealing with the fall-out from predicted grading during the lockdowns. It sounds like ye handled it better than we did. Here, teachers were basically asked to make an educated guess as to what students would get in their exams and…well, any teacher could guess how that went. The grades went through the roof. Not because teachers are deliberately lying but because…well, if you think your student would get somewhere around an A2 or a B1, you’ll probably guess the A2. Certainly, if you think a student should probably scrape a pass if he doesn’t get any questions on the topic he most struggles with, you’ll probably predict a pass. Nobody wants to deny a student a college place based on a guess.

          And of course, if you were to grade normally the following year, well…that’s hardly fair because kids from the previous year could just take a year out and be guaranteed to get places before kids of equal ability the next year, so grades were inflated and…they are now planning to start bringing them down gradually, but…woah! This year 24.2% of students scored a minimum of 500 points. In 2019, it was 13.3%.

          Reply ↓
          1. Ellis Bell*

            “Nobody wants to deny a student a college place based on a guess”. That’s my actual and literal nightmare. Oh and yes, I also received “complaints”!!! Actually called it a “complaint”, like I was working in a shop . The implication was always “make it go away”. Now that I work in a more deprived area, but one with stronger leadership they’re called “concerns”, as in, talk to the parent so they understand why we made the decision, and consider if there’s something they know that we weren’t aware of, but don’t think you’re not backed up.

            Reply ↓
    8. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      People are mentioning GPAs, but it’s worth keeping in mind that those are an average of final grades. A failing grade on a single essay shouldn’t cause an entire class to fail. If the teacher said they were going to literally give every student an failing grade based on one essay, even then, it wouldn’t totally tank everyone’s GPA–BUT, there is no world in which a public high school teacher would be allowed to fail an entire class based on one single assignment. Classes have syllabi, which usually lay out how grades are calculated (usually divided into tests/exams, quizzes, homework, classwork, and maybe participation). A teacher can’t decide to just throw that out.
      PLUS, even if they were crazy enough to try, no high school administration would let a teacher fail an entire class. They would override the teacher (and that teacher would probably lose their job at the end of the year/not be offered a contract renewal). If anything, there is major pressure (from admin and parents) on high school teachers to pass everyone, to the point that grade inflation is a legitimate concern.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        So, the failing grade was just for the one paper, not the whole year’s worth of papers. One student did pipe up and say “But this is 24% of our whole grade!” But no idea how likely that would be.

        Reply ↓
        1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

          I had college courses like that, but never high school. High school was about the tedious grind of daily homework. College was the huge make-or-break testings.

          Reply ↓
          1. Pescadero*

            Same.

            I had college engineering classes where the grade was 40% midterm exam, 60% final exam – and no other grades considered at all.

            Reply ↓
    9. a Texan who watches britcoms*

      To follow up on some other commenters, the US doesn’t have a formal external exam system like A or O levels. The SAT assesses a basic level of reading comprehension, logic, vocabulary and arithmetic/geometry skills (although honestly mostly just standardized test taking). There are some courses that are kind of like A/O levels: AP courses, IB courses. These have exams that you sit at the end of the year to assess knowledge in the specific domain. But they’re not explicitly required, though for top schools they’re probably de facto required.

      GPA is also a relatively easy screening tool for schools that receive too many applicants (most schools). So a bad GPA can result in an automatic rejection.

      As an added Texas specific issue, the state system grants the top x% (I think it’s 10%) of students by GPA automatic admission to state schools, so there is an incentive to get good grades. There can also be scholarships tied to GPA (not just for sports).

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        This is interesting. I had sort of gleaned some of this from fiction when people are cramming for the SAT: “Huh, it kind of sounds like they’re revising vocabulary and general knowledge” and I always sort of wondered where the subject specific knowledge tests came in, so you’ve answered an ongoing wonder there!

        Reply ↓
    10. RagingADHD*

      GPA is also considered for some merit-based college scholarships, so a heavily-weighted assignment that tanked a student’s semester grade could possibly impact their ability to attend, beyond admissions.

      As a parent of a student who has always earned good grades fair and square, I would be pretty averse to believing that every single student’s work was uniformly so terrible that they all deserved an F on a subjectively graded assignment, and prone to suspect that the teacher was just throwing a tantrum. So yeah, I would want to see the rubric, see when and how the standards were actually taught, and hear a very detailed explanation of why my student’s work did not meet the rubric.

      It makes for a dramatic moment, but “You are all just terrible” is not a viable grading standard, at least in my state.

      Reply ↓
    11. Charlotte Lucas*

      When I applied to college back in the late 80s, I had to send in a transcript (which included my GPA) and my ACT scores (this is a common test for Midwestern students, with 4 subject areas). One failed paper would not make or break me, and it would have been unusual for an English class to ride on one paper that the students hadn’t been working on for some time with the teacher’s guidance.

      From what I hear, nowadays parents blame poor grades on teachers more than on their kids. And grade inflation has been a concern amongst educators since the 90s.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        See, I’m really sceptical of grade inflation fears; we have a lot of that in the UK too, based on nothing more than the fact that grades are rising. But grades are better for the same reason that athletes are faster, and technology is more astounding. We have better techniques in the field which are constantly improving. When I worked in different schools on supply, I saw some awful, awful schools. They were all distinctly better than the teaching in “my day” though.

        Reply ↓
        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          Ehh… I remember more than one person being pressured to give a good athlete who was a terrible student a “by” when I was a TA in the 90s.

          In fact, we had guardrails in place, because large regional companies had wanted students to show more aptitude in some areas or they’d stop hiring from our university.

          Reply ↓
        2. RagingADHD*

          I have been astonished throughout my kids’ schooling at how early they are learning advanced concepts, as well as how they are trained in meta-thinking about their own learning process.

          For example, in early elementary they could name the different reading techniques that they were using to tackle new words or improve their comprehension. It’s great stuff!

          Reply ↓
      2. Snacattack*

        When I got to college in 1978, “Dean Dan “ was very, very concerned about grade inflation and worked hard to get professors to give lower grades. He was not popular with the student body, and with good reason. The notion that the purpose of grades is to rank students rather than to reflect their achievement, which is basically the idea that underlies concerns about grade inflation, is really, really, really strange, and in my opinion as a lifelong teacher unbecoming for an educator.

        Reply ↓
    12. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      In addition to everyone else’s comments, GPA will influence being eligible for a cum laude, magna cum laude, or summa cum laude degree in many school districts, and those do influence college admissions.

      My graduating class had something like 50 salutatorians and 20 valedictorians, and such a grade would have disqualified any of them (they all had perfect 4.0 GPA (93+% in every single course over 4 years)).

      Reply ↓
      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        We only had one valedictorian, and it was a big school. But we did have an Honors List, basically the high school equivalent of the Dean’s List.

        Reply ↓
    13. Potsie*

      Are teachers really personally on the hook for whether kids get into college or not?

      Individual students, no. But if your entire class can’t get into college, it does cast doubt on your ability as a teacher.

      Reply ↓
    14. JHunz*

      Personal anecdote time! One of my high school teachers (AP English) was a very hard grader (for high school, anyway) but incredibly effective at teaching you how to improve your writing up to his high standards.

      He was forced out after the year I had him (no tenure yet) because there was an Honors English class with an easier grader and the AP class he taught (both contributing the same way to GPA), and the one-letter difference in resulting GPA because of his higher standards made the difference in who got valedictorian out of my class and her parents raised absolute hell.

      Reply ↓
    15. Flower necklace*

      I am a high school teacher and we have a minimum number of summatives we have to give each quarter. This is specifically to prevent situations where one grade would tank the entire quarter. However, I’m in Virginia, not Texas, and I don’t know if that’s a universal rule or not.

      Reply ↓
  37. cosmicgorilla*

    When I was following up on the updates from Alison’s recent “blast from the past” articles, I re-read one of the other updates on the linked page. The person updated that they had multiple opportunities, but they had deferred the one for teaching English in Japan to March 2020.

    Gulp.

    Something tells me they didn’t go. I wonder if they got to do it post-Covid, or if they changed their goals.

    Reply ↓
    3. Paint N Drip*

      SAME. It seemed like the job they chose over the teaching program was more aligned with their goals, so I was hoping they just became a superstar in that field and never gave the program another thought

      Reply ↓
  38. All het up about it*

    So – what’s the thought on running cover letters through ChatGPT or equivalent?

    We should just trust that following guidelines and templates like Alison’s is going to be good enough? Following a template and then using AI to zhuzh it up is the best bet because everyone will? Or because everyone will it’s better to keep your natural voice?

    Just a thought that popped into my head after an AI discussion that I thought might be interesting to discuss here.

    Reply ↓
    1. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I’m a strong writer, so I wouldn’t ever use ChatGPT–it would make my cover letters worse. I think this depends on how strong a writer you are and how much writing is a part of the jobs you’re applying for. When I’ve read cover letters written by ChatGPT, I’ve found them pretty soulless and they’re just regurgitating a combination of information from the JD and resume, which isn’t what cover letters are meant to do, so they actually weaken the application.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ama*

        I agree with you – I use a app that helps me advance schedule social media posts for my small business and they keep touting their AI auto posts, but the examples they’ve shown me are not good writing (and also have factual errors because their tool is just regurgitating language and not paying attention to context – for example on a post where I linked to an interview I did on someone else’s YouTube channel it said *I * was the channel host). For really entry level jobs where the hiring manager isn’t looking at the cover letter much, you might get away with it but any job where a hiring manager puts a lot of weight on the cover letter it won’t help you at all.

        Reply ↓
    2. Kimmy Schmidt*

      I think using AI for grammar, transitions, rephrasing something awkward – fine. But running the whole cover letter through ChatGPT seems like such a missed opportunity to me. I like cover letters precisely because I get a sense of the applicant’s voice and how they connect different elements of their background. I suppose if you really struggle with cover letters it would bring you up to “average”, but I can’t visualize a truly compelling cover letter that leans too heavily on AI.

      Reply ↓
    3. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      ChatGPT will produce something that is average and generic. If that’s an improvement for you, you might consider it (other ethical and environmental considerations aside; it’s enough for it to be a no-go for me, but you may disagree). If you think you can do better than “average and generic” on your own, then obviously you wouldn’t want to.

      Reply ↓
    4. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

      Don’t use it. If you don’t even care enough to write your own cover letter, why should a hiring manager believe you’d treat the actual job any differently?

      Reply ↓
    6. ArlynPage*

      I’m applying for jobs right now and avoid using ChatGPT for cover letters because I want my cover letter to sound like me, and I’m worried that my cover letter will use the exact language that many other applicants use, which would be suspicious if there even is a human reading the cover letter.

      Where I _have_ been using AI:

      – I copy the job description and ask which keywords I should put in my application

      – I ask what questions the interviewer might ask (e.g. I met with a couple of members of the engineering team, as well as a program manager and a director of strategic technology, and actually ChatGPT pretty much nailed the questions I should prepare for each interview)

      – When coming up with examples of times I’ve failed or other behavioral interview types of questions, I use ChatGPT to help tighten up my story so I’m not droning on and on. I kind of type in alllll the details about the example, and AI helps me get the story more succinct.

      Reply ↓
    7. Donkey Hotey*

      If you are using above average material, it will make it worse. AI only helps if the material you’re using is below average to begin with.

      Reply ↓
    9. RagingADHD*

      You should never accept anything from AI as a final draft. Everything should be in your own voice. AI is just a suggestion tool to create a first draft or see if there are possible improvements.

      Reply ↓
    10. Potsie*

      Do you think AI is a better writer than you are? I feel good about my cover letters and they reflect my voice. I don’t see a benefit to AI. If you are a weak writer then maybe seeing the changes and deciding individually what to changes to keep might help. I wouldn’t blindly accept the changes though.

      Reply ↓
    11. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t use it at all, nor do I encourage others to use generative AI because I want it to go the way of the dodo. However, I do have a “base” cover letter, with macros for things I tend to repeat. I tweak it for each position. Even if it’s not a masterpiece, it’s me who wrote it and I hope it reflects that.

      Reply ↓
    12. Ann O'Nemity*

      Using AI to help with cover letters is fine, especially for formatting and polishing, but don’t lose sight of the importance of your personal voice and the specifics of the job you’re applying for. Combining AI’s efficiency with your own authenticity will likely help you stand out.

      Reply ↓
  39. BellaStella*

    I have to ask: if a person in your company was under an HR investigation would your HR go ahead with letting this missing stair hire someone? They had all the other direct reports all moved out from them this year. My hope that HR was gonna help in my difficult situation is fading. To top it off the new hire is a former teammate who really wants to work here again and the missing stair and big boss crafted this role for them as they do not have good boundaries and will end up doing the missing stair’s work. Am pretty disillusioned now. Was hoping this mess would get better as it has been a long time. Not sure why HR protects bad people.

    Reply ↓
    1. I Can't Even*

      Not all HR’s are created equal very often they are not trained in employment law and do not recognize the requirements. Also HR is there to protect the company from liability not help the employees.

      Reply ↓
      1. WellRed*

        Protecting the company from liability is one part of the job. Protecting it from liability often means doing right by the employees.

        Reply ↓
  40. Miss Fisher*

    Curious how everyone feels about leaving organizational awards on a resume for external job applications. My org has several types of awards that are considered prestigious to receive. It goes on our career profile that can be seen org wide. If the organization is well know, would other organizations within the same field know what it takes to receive these awards? Or is it more of a notice that the person has been recognized at some level for their current organization, but they don’t necessarily know what the award actually is?

    Reply ↓
    1. NaoNao*

      I leave them all on–that’s a great thing to use on the cover letter and in interviews in terms of adding “color” to explain why they’re prestigious and the reason you got the award, IMHO.

      Reply ↓
    2. Blarg*

      I won what was basically employee of the year for state employees once, for the whole state, but the award has a state-specific name like the “Pikes Peak Award” if I were in Colorado. So I list it as X Award [State Employee of the Year], year.

      Reply ↓
    3. No Tribble At All*

      Leave it on, but clarify it in your resume or cover letter. Put it as part of that job:
      – Senior Teapot Designer, Spouts Inc, Teapotville
      — Led team of 10 that designed teapots, etc. …
      — Received “Full Steam Ahead” award for creation of high-temperature glaze material

      Reply ↓
  41. CTT*

    Anecdotal survey of the lawyers and support staff of AAM: do you regularly use document comparison software?

    I’m beta-testing a new program and found it to be very bad and gave (measured!) feedback. The big problem is that it renders redlines in a way that runs the risk of us sending inaccurate redlines (which is a huge ethical issue) and just makes it confusing to read. I’m really surprised that wasn’t caught in earlier tests, and the person from IT who is overseeing this is acting like I’m the weirdo for saying this is a problem. Everyone I know uses comparison software daily, but it’s a big firm, and my assistant and I are starting to wonder if there’s such a small subset of us who regularly use these programs that IT doesn’t really care about the rollout.

    Reply ↓
    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I do not use separate document comparison software. I don’t think anybody in our small-ish firm does. The documents I have to watch out for tend to be sub-50 pages, so I don’t use anything more specialized than the functionality offered in Word. My practice is mostly civil litigation, estate planning and litigation, and family law. If I were to move back to a position where I was drafting and negotiating deals, licenses, etc., I imagine it would be helpful — approaching required.

      Reply ↓
    2. Another Lawyer*

      I use it regularly in my practice in a larger firm. When we trade drafts with other parties I always double check to see what’s been changed.

      Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      I use Document Compare in MS Word constantly, and always have.

      I have never used an add-on tool for this.

      Reply ↓
  42. BonjourHi*

    Have you worked for a company that always have job postings up but in fact no team intended to hire?

    My anecdotes told me that companies do so from time to time to look good to the investors. Some teams were looking for a unicorn for their team: The team was not hiring unless someone very special came by.

    No matter the causes, the behaviour drove many job seekers bonkers because many took time to customize the job applications and perhaps took time to off for interviews. Still, it is hard to proof and stop such behaviour from the companies because of privacy.

    Reply ↓
    1. Busy Middle Manager*

      I just did five rounds at a smaller/medium company (150 people) that, as it turns out, was either looking for a unicorn on a 2018 (pre-inflation) salary, or to hire for a very basic role abroad. I did not realize they would lowball until the very end. Such nice people too, so the fact that it went south when money came up was very disappointing to me.

      They have an office in India and I then saw that job posted in India almost at the same time the hiring manager called to tell me they’ve decided to downgrade some of the requirements and “go a different direction for now but will keep me in mind.”

      So they technically hired someone but since the hiring manager knowingly intends to hire someone without the technical skills (one being researching and interpreting state level laws in the US, and it is an art to even find half of them!), I guess that counts as not really filling the position.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Worked for them? Nope. But I’ve been job searching for nearly 2 years, and there are 4 companies in my area that have had a job listing in my area for that entire time. A contact at one of those companies said the company is not actively hiring, they just like to make it look like they are growing.
      And honestly, good luck to them if they ever actually DO want to hire, because at the last conference of the city chapter for our professional group, they were a running joke throughout the day. Everyone knows their job listings are fake.

      Reply ↓
  43. WheresMyPen*

    Christmas party ideas wanted! I’m part of a group tasked with pitching ideas for our Christmas party. It’s been an even split of votes for an external party or in-office one. We’re in central London so hiring venues is very expensive and last year the pub they booked was too small. They’ve suggested having an in-office party and using the budget for entertainment, food, drinks etc. Anyone have any good ideas for entertainment that works well for this kind of party for around 70 people? I’m thinking things like a cocktail/mocktail making station, games, I think they had karaoke once but I picture that being a bit cringey. I’m sure in London there are loads of people we can hire to do fun things at parties but I have little experience in this kind of thing. We’re a fairly relaxed office, creative industry, mix of ages. Thanks!

    Reply ↓
    1. Dust Bunny*

      My office is only about half that size but our parties are catered box lunches (choice of a list of 3-4 entrees, so it covers most dietary choices) and low-stakes games: Bingo, raffles, table pong, one time we borrowed a Wii basketball game from someone, that kind of thing. ENTIRELY voluntary.

      Reply ↓
    2. Strive to Excel*

      At a party I was at many years ago they hired a magician. He didn’t do a big show, just wandered from table to table and did all sort of smaller things. Card tricks, making things vanish, setting his wallet on fire, etc. I’m sure there’s a term for it. Floor magic?

      Anyways, it was a load of fun, not cringey at all. Would recommend!

      Reply ↓
    3. Ostrich Herder*

      Depending on your budget, maybe some sort of quieter live music like a piano player who can take requests? That brings in the spirit of karaoke without the cringe, and is a nice background that won’t drown out conversations like a full band might, allows for dancing if that’s anyone’s cup of tea, etc.

      Reply ↓
    4. WorkerDrone*

      Having a board game table – Scrabble, Monopoly, etc – was a big hit at the last office party.

      We also had a friendly co-worker volunteer to lead a “learn how to knit” group activity that was a HUGE hit – the key was that the co-worker volunteered freely, and was not voluntold. Amazon has a product where you can buy a bunch of cheap knitting needles – the circular ones you can buy 18 pairs for $17. Then they bought a bunch of cheap yarn. (Note: I say ‘they’, but I mean the COMPANY.) People got to keep their needles and the leftover yarn they didn’t use, plus the questionable “squares” they created (mine was more triangular).

      Another friendly co-worker very kindly volunteered to run a short D&D kind of game. I don’t play, so I’m going to describe this poorly, but they basically walked people through creating short character sheets (spent maybe 15 minutes on that), then took them on a 45 minute “adventure” that was based around the office. Roll for skill points to change the ink in the copier for example.

      Finally, the cookie-decorating station was also very popular.

      Reply ↓
  44. Kesnit*

    I am looking for some advice on a situation…

    I was a nerf herder for a little over 6 years. A year ago, I did a lateral transition and became a nerf hunter, which requires me to work closely with the local nerf herders. (Many people think nerf herders and nerf hunters are enemies, but the reality is that we are on different sides of the central issue.) Being a nerf herder can be a high-stress job. People only need a nerf herder if they are in a serious situation. Over the years, I’ve seen a lot of people start their career of being a nerf herder. Most of the time, although there are usually some rough patches starting out, people get the basics down pretty quickly.

    And then there is Bill. Nerfing is a second career for Bill and his previous one was pretty high-stakes, so you would assume Bill would be used to working under pressure. He isn’t. He started in the nerf herding office about a year ago, but did not start as a line nerf herder until May of this year. I have never have never seen a new nerf herder so out of place as Bill. I am also convinced that Bill is going to either have a heart attack or a stroke one day at work! He always seems to be having a fit of “nerves.”

    I have seen him in action a few times, but yesterday was almost painful. He had the entire day’s list of issues (which is normal). All through the morning, he never seemed to know what was going on with the nerfs. In one, he talked about “two incidents” when there were actually 4. He tried to claim something that is completely unbelievable until another nerf herder who was in there with him whispered to him and he switched to something that at least made sense. (Nerf herders can and do put forward crazy things as part of their job, but there are limits to what can reasonably be said. It was clear leader running the show felt his original claim was both incoherent and out of the bounds of reasonable.) After lunch, I went back to argue a situation that had been carried over from the morning while a coworker (and fellow former nerf herder), Blair, sat in because he was covering the rest of the nerf hunter issues for the afternoon. Bill bumbled through and clearly did not know what all the issues were. Again, another nerf herder stepped in to get him through it. There was also the instance where the client started talking to Bill and Bill’s coworker about her upcoming issue – and was loud enough for the leader, Blair, and me to hear. (I am the nerf hunter in that issue.) The leader even asked if they wanted to step to talk and Bill said no. (Hint: WRONG ANSWER!) Later in the afternoon, Blair came back to the office and told me that Bill had continued that way through the rest of the afternoon. Blair also said there were times when he almost felt so bad for the clients that he wanted to shift a little and help them!

    And that is what worries me, Blair, and another nerf hunter in our office. People who need a nerf herder cannot choose their nerf herder, but they have a right to one who is competent, and we’re having questions if Bill can do that. All the issues I saw him handle yesterday were ones that were pretty slam-dunk for me and there was not a lot for him to argue. But there were things that he could have said, and a lot of things he could have said better. Even knowing what he was trying to say, I got confused a few times with his argument. On the other hand, I don’t know that it is my place to approach a senior nerf herder and voice my concerns. Yes, I was a nerf herder for many years, but I’m not any more. Worse, I’m “the enemy” and don’t want to make it sound like I am bad-mouthing a nerf herder behind their back. (For the most part, I have a decent professional relationship with the staff in that office.)

    Thoughts?

    Reply ↓
    1. Hlao-roo*

      I think you can (and should) talk to the senior nerf herder about Bill. What’s turnover among the herders like? Did you work with this senior nerf herder when you were a herder? If you did, that should give your observations more weight.

      I don’t think it’ll come off like badmouthing if you approach the conversation something like this: “Hey, I think Bill might need more coaching/training/support. I noticed that he said no when the leader asked if they wanted to step to talk, which surprised me given that nerf herders usually say yes. Also, he tried to claim [unbelievable thing] the other day, and [other nerf herder] has to step in to correct him. I’m worried he may say something unbelievable in front of clients and hurt our company’s reputation.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Kesnit*

        “What’s turnover among the herders like?”
        If someone is going to burn out (which is common), it is usually around the 5 year mark. Some people can do it for an entire career. Many people use it as a stepping stone to related jobs in the nerfing field.

        “Did you work with this senior nerf herder when you were a herder?”
        Not really. I interviewed with the Chief Nerf Herder when I was starting out, but ended up in a different office. We did have a client in common once, so worked together to coordinate all of their issues. The Deputy Nerf Herder was one of my instructors at Beginner and Advanced Nerf Herder courses. The rest of the nerf herders I only got to know when I became a nerf hunter.

        “‘I’m worried he may say something unbelievable in front of clients and hurt our company’s reputation.’”
        To be clear, nerf herders and nerf hunters do not work for the same company. (We’re actually government employees and work for different agencies.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Hlao-roo*

          Ah, different government agencies! That puts “people think nerf herders and nerf hunters are enemies” into some context.

          Depending on the politics between the two agencies, would “I’m worried he may say something unbelievable in front of clients and hurt [Nerf Herder Agency’s] reputation” go over well? Or, if that won’t fly, could you believably say, “I’m worried he may say something unbelievable in front of clients and [lose the client/delay the project/make the project unsuccessful/etc.].” Basically, some way to say, “I’m telling you this because I care about the success of [nerf herders], not just to badmouth Bill behind his back.” Maybe the politics are such that you could say exactly that?

          Reply ↓
    2. MsM*

      You’re still someone who has valuable insight into how nerf herding is supposed to work, and whose opinion your former colleagues hopefully trust regardless of your current responsibilities. If Bill is as lost handling internal responsibilities as he was during this meeting, they’ll probably appreciate having external confirmation that this is not a sustainable state of affairs. If they’re not aware, they’re going to have to find out sooner or later. Might as well be from someone who genuinely cares about the overall health of the nerf ecosystem than someone who might try and take advantage of Bill’s struggles. And if they do nothing with it, well, at least you tried.

      Reply ↓
    3. RagingADHD*

      I think if you just said prosecutor and public defender it would be a lot easier to follow and clarify that there are serious ethical issues at play.

      Nobody is going to be able to identify a single incompetent public defender out of all of the jurisdictions in the world.

      Reply ↓
      2. Kesnit*

        I originally had public defender and prosecutor when I wrote it. You are right that there are ethical issues here, which I was trying to avoid going into by changing the titles.

        Reply ↓
    4. WantonSeedStitch*

      I think you should talk to the senior nerf herder, especially if you have a good relationship with them. You can say, “Han, it’s true I made the jump to nerf hunter a while back, but you know I was a nerf hunter for a good while. I recognize how important it is that every nerf who needs a herder have one who’s really able to do good work on their behalf. Given that, I’m concerned about Bill’s work in the nerf pens. [Give examples.] I’d hate to think of a good nerf suffering because of poor herding on Bill’s part, and I know you would too, so I wanted to give you a heads up that I’m seeing these problems.”

      Reply ↓
  45. Dust Bunny*

    More venting than anything: We just had to phone-block a vendor who just would not stop calling. They cold-called us about a product that we use in our daily operations, and kept calling until we made the mistake of letting them send us a sample. We did not want he product for [perfectly good reasons] and told them it wouldn’t suit our needs.

    Y’all, the guy called back twice in past two weeks. Called over and over again up to a dozen times in a row–literally one call after another–but did not leave a voicemail message.

    This is weird, right?

    Reply ↓
    1. Busy Middle Manager*

      I made the “mistake” of looking at my state’s ACA site and one person has been texting/calling me every single day, sometimes 3X a day. So maybe 40 communications already. I decided to do COBRA the rest of the year and TBH I’m so annoyed by how many times they’ve called in a row some days that I’ve been ignoring the ACA rep, or whatever you’d call them.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dust Bunny*

        We collectively ignored this guy for over half an hour yesterday and figured out how to block our desk numbers through Elevate, but we think he was calling the general department line because it was still getting through and we had to ask IT to step in.

        But . . . who calls 15 times in a row and doesn’t leave a voicemail??

        Reply ↓
    2. Ama*

      Some sales people seem to think that constant contact with potential clients is how they get sales. I remember telling one that the software they wanted us to switch to didn’t offer several of the features we would require for our work, thinking that would end the conversation. He basically kept reaching out wanting to use me as free market research for developing those features (which I sincerely doubt he had the power to ask for, I think he just wanted to maintain contact). From then on I just told any people trying to sell us new software that we weren’t interested in switching, no further discussion.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dust Bunny*

        Yeah, we have that script now.

        This one also told jokes with midcentury movie references in it. The oldest person in our department is 50–younger than the movies he was referencing. He was lucky we’re all a bunch of nerds or nobody would have understood what he was talking about.

        (He wasn’t gross or creepy or anything, just . . . weird.)

        Reply ↓
    3. H.Regalis*

      I have occasionally had that experience with vendors, including having to block them. It’s a terrible business practice, but there is at least a small contingent of salespeople out there who do it.

      Reply ↓
    4. Ellis Bell*

      Can you block him? It’s going to go on for as least as long as it did before you agreed to the sample. Letting it go to voicemail is a good move.

      Reply ↓
  46. nonprofit manager*

    I think I soft-pedaled an intern reprimand and I’m trying to figure out if I can/should fix it.

    Long story short, my paid student intern “Alice” messed up on a project designed as a very light stretch opportunity; basically, she slept through most of a project-critical meeting she was supposed to lead. My assistant filled in and it turned out fine, but obviously I had to have a chat with Alice.

    I don’t have a private office, but my floor is pretty quiet and it’s office culture to just have meetings in cubicle areas. Among other things, I told her: “This was a pretty serious problem, and [Assistant] should not have had to cover for you.” I then went through ways to mitigate this kind of problem in the future e.g. making sure her notes and prep work were available to the whole team, proactively communicating as soon as she knew she was going to be late, etc. She seemed to understand that it was a big deal in the moment, but now I’m wondering if I was too indirect about the impact on her reputation.

    Alice recently asked about extending her internship after she graduates, and I simply told her that wouldn’t be possible to have a non-student in the position. That’s technically true, but honestly I might have been able to pull some strings and make an exception if I were sufficiently motivated to keep on a really good intern. I probably should have said something like that at the time, it just didn’t occur to me.

    Am I being negligent by not being more explicit with Alice that her performance doesn’t make me want to go the extra mile? She’s since said that she wants to move on and wouldn’t want to extend the internship anyway, and whether or not that’s a face-saving position, it feels a little cruel/scolding to go back and make a point of telling her “Sure, but it might have been an option if you’d been more reliable.” With a regular part-time employee who was imminently leaving, I’d probably just shrug and figure it’s not worth the extra investment, but I feel a greater level of responsibility since Alice is a student and an intern.

    (Just to head off any speculation: as far as I know, there are no medical issues involved. She’s just a student who has not yet learned that late-night social events before important meetings are a bad idea.)

    Reply ↓
    1. Dust Bunny*

      I think it sounds like your reprimand should be enough, unless you have reason to think she’s more obtuse than average, and it doesn’t sound like you do.

      Reply ↓
    2. Antilles*

      Since you did already address it, I would not call it “being negligent” by not going back to that well. However, since she’s an intern, I do think it’d be worth providing that feedback more directly.
      Is there any sort of “exit interview” or “last day debrief” or anything like that? If there is (or you can make it happen), that would be the perfect place for this sort of thing. It makes it feel less like you’re dredging it back up and more just a review of everything – what she did well, what she didn’t (this event), etc. And you don’t need to directly say “you’d have gotten an offer if not for this”, but you can reiterate the importance of internal reputations and being proactive in keeping people in the loop.

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        +1 on the end-of-internship debrief (which, if you don’t do it now, is also a good chance to get her feedback on the experience), and framing it as “if you want to be successful in this (or any field), you’re really going to need to make sure you prioritize these kinds of tasks and skills.”

        Reply ↓
    3. Nemy*

      I wouldn’t press the issue. You already informed Allison that her performance at the meeting was not good and notified her that you would not be able to extend her internship. If she continues to ask about future employment opportunities, you may need to be more blunt, but it sounds like nothing you’ve done would give Allison the impression that this internship would continue onwards.

      Reply ↓
    4. adonai*

      If it were not for that *one* meeting, would you have tried to pull strings to let her stay? If yes, I would actually go tell her that explicitly. If she had done the meeting, but you still wouldn’t have wanted to pull strings, I’d leave it alone.

      And, whether to share documents ahead of time etc – that is such an office-specific thing that I’d not take that into consideration, *unless* you explicitly told her to do that, and she ignored it.

      Reply ↓
    5. DisneyChannelThis*

      I think you’ve missed your moment to address it further.

      Alice messes up.
      You reprimand her for it.
      time passes
      Alice asks about job extension, you say not possible for a non student
      Alice says cool she didnt want the job anyway
      Considering: You say actually it is possible for non-student to continue but Alice you really weren’t good enough

      See how that just looks like you are retaliating to her remark? The moment was when she asked about the job options. I’d just let it go at this point. Also for what it’s worth the “not possible for a student” does read as an excuse, she can probably read between the lines, especially if you’ve taken on non-students before or it seems possible. Everyone messes up at work, especially in early career. I don’t think you need to keep rubbing her nose in her mistakes.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tio*

        Yeah at this stage it would feel a little off to just randomly go back to her and re-litigate the whole situation. I think like someone above mentioned if you have an exit interview bring it up as a whole look back, or if there’s a different issue that crops up you can kind of frame them together as how they look worse when paired close together. But going to her and saying “I would’ve fought for you if you hadn’t done that bad thing we talked about weeks ago” feels too sudden.

        Reply ↓
        1. WellRed*

          Reminds me of a letter where they wanted to contact a fired employee to reiterate how unprofessional they were. Don’t do that.

          Reply ↓
  47. BlueCactus*

    Best way to thank mentors who wrote letters of recommendation for me?

    I’m in my final year of medical school and am applying for residency, which requires quite a lot of letters of recommendation – I have three mentors who have been kind enough to write them. I’m writing thank you cards but also wanted to do something else for them in the vein of a small gift. All three of them have been amazing mentors to me and I want to acknowledge that! My thoughts were either books related to the things we’ve worked on together, or a small baked good. (I always feel a little odd giving people food, but I do know all these people well and they would all appreciate it). If you were getting a small gift from a mentee, what would you most enjoy?

    Reply ↓
    1. Antilles*

      In terms of gifts, that very much depends on the recipient, so not sure I have much advice here.
      The one thing that every mentor really appreciates and values is a honest and heartfelt written thank you. Not just a simple card with “thanks for writing the recommendation letter, crossing my fingers!”, but a truly from-the-heart letter talking about specific things you learned from them, how their advice helped you in the application process, ways they’ve inspired you or helped you grow, etc.

      Reply ↓
    2. Cordelia*

      I would be happy with a card with a personal message. Maybe if I knew they enjoyed baking and didn’t see it as a chore, some homemade cookies or similar would be nice, but I really wouldn’t want them to spend money on me. Mentoring students and writing letters of recommendation are part of the job, not a personal kindness they are doing

      Reply ↓
    3. Nesprin*

      Thank you card >>> any form of gift, so spend most of your time on that. Your ideas for a book or a baked good (or a gift card for the local coffee shop) would be perfect.

      Reply ↓
  48. Fortunate Falcon*

    Having a GREAT morning…just accepted an offer for a lateral move with a 27% raise! The negotiation took longer than I expected, so I was sweating it out for a couple of weeks, but it worked out in the end! Using Allison’s guidance, I gave a number that was based on data from my field, and I didn’t overly justify it; I put the ball back in their court, and they came through! Very nice to be able to give an enthusiastic “yes” to the position.

    Reply ↓
  49. Elizabeth West*

    person with a job offer for $2K more than what she was making at Exjob skips into the room

    OH HAI :)

    It’s a hybrid position (remote, two days a week onsite), doing almost the same thing I was doing before. This is a very large, multi-national company; it has an office here a teeny bit closer to me on the same commute. The team is in Philadelphia, but the company wants to expand this unit into the Boston area. Contingent on the usual background check (which was alarmingly thorough — I half-expected someone to knock on my door requesting a drop of blood), I start on the 14th.

    Is it normal now for jobs to start onboarding before you actually start working? And since I don’t start until then, would I still be considered unemployed? I don’t want to stop looking (or UI) yet, because what if they decide to scrap the position or something stupid happens? I doubt I’ll receive any wages until probably the beginning of next month, and my EBT drops on the 14th. I don’t want to get in trouble with any benefits either.

    Reply ↓
    1. adonai*

      Firstly, congrats on the almost job.
      Secondly, in July I started working for a *large* multinational, 10’s of thousands of employees. Previously I’d only been employed in start-ups. And, yes, they wanted me to do a bunch of onboarding stuff before I started. But, since I had a signed offer, I just ignored it. The only thing I saved myself time on was inputting my bank info for direct-deposit. So, I guess it all depends on what sort of thing they are expecting you to do.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        thanks!
        It’s mostly that kind of thing, and just “watch this video to learn more about us,” etc. I did it while I was eating dinner because I was bored, lol.

        Reply ↓
    3. Hlao-roo*

      Congratulations!

      Is it normal now for jobs to start onboarding before you actually start working?

      Somewhat? Depends on what the “onboarding” is. The last time I started a new job (2a few years ago), I filled out: I9 paperwork, non-disclosure agreement, direct deposit paperwork, and I think a few other forms before my first day. I think that level of “onboarding” is fine to start/complete before Day 1.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah, it’s pretty much like this. The background check stuff is freaking me out a little but I can see them doing this for a mostly remote position.

        The boss wants to have a brief call next week to check in on it and also asked me where to send WFH stuff. I will be going in the first day to set up my laptop, etc. She also wants me to come to the Philly office at some point to meet the team. I’m not sure this is necessary? I mean, you pay for it, and I will, I guess?

        I hope they don’t ever want me to move. I am not doing that again!

        Reply ↓
        1. Hlao-roo*

          I always worry irrationally during background checks. What if they find out I got a parking ticket 5 years ago and rescind the offer? My old company changed names while I was working for them–what if that messes up the check and they think I lied about working there? I’ve never had a problem aside from my own anxiety during a background check.

          Fingers crossed you don’t have to move again! Moving is my least favorite activity.

          Reply ↓
        2. MsM*

          I think it’s important to connect with the people you’re going to be working with in person at least once or twice a year. It helps make you more “real” to them, and gives you a chance to see how the office operates that might help clear up any communication or logistical issues you’re having. They should definitely pay for your travel and accommodations, though.

          Reply ↓
    5. Daphne*

      “Is it normal now for jobs to start onboarding before you actually start working?”

      I’ve had this happen.

      “And since I don’t start until then, would I still be considered unemployed?”

      Yes. You are unemployed until your start date.

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        Thanks!
        Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’ll keep applying and requesting benefits just in case something weird happens because you NEVER know. I don’t trust anything these days. :|

        Reply ↓
    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      I don’t know the answers but just wanted to say HURRAY and congratulations!! So happy for you!

      Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        Thank you!!
        Omg I was so scared bc all the job listings right now are either:
        Administrative Drone: we’re not listing the pay because it’s peanuts, maybe evenings and weekends and as many other duties as we can think up,

        or else

        Executive Senior Personal Pepper Potts-level Assistant: $150-$200K, must be able to operate Stark Industries’ Mark XLIX superhero armor and run a Fortune 500 Top 10 company in the CEO’s absence with no help.

        There is no happy medium!

        Reply ↓
  50. Happy Camper*

    What is reasonable reimbursement for mileage? Travelling for work for the first time and it’s $0.55/km. Just wondering what’s the norm.

    Reply ↓
    1. anon for this one*

      In the USA, it’s a number set by the internal revenue service that changes annually (at least in the public sector). Private firms usually follow the same guideline. Sounds like you are not in the US (km!) but it may be a similar policy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Antilles*

        Indeed.
        To put numbers on it for reference, the 2024 current federal rate is $0.67/mile. The rate has increased by a couple cents every year since 2022. Prior to that, the rate spent basically the entire decade between 2011 and 2021 floating somewhere around $0.56/mile.

        Reply ↓
        1. Ostrich Herder*

          And if I did my math right, the current federal rate of $0.67/mile would be about $0.42/km, so you’re above the federal norm in the USA, at least!

          Reply ↓
    2. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      I did post this elsewhere. If you’re in Canada, the CRA rate is $0.70/km, up to the first 5,000 km ($0.64 after that).

      Reply ↓
      1. Happy Camper*

        I am on Canada! Work for a massive org, so I’m surprised it’s below the CRA amount but have 0% chance of pushing back. Thanks for the info!

        Reply ↓
  51. Ostrich Herder*

    Any advice for dodging well-meaning followup questions about a family emergency from people who will be insulted if I don’t give them details?

    I was recently out for a few days with a family member in the hospital, and really strongly don’t want to talk about it at work. Unfortunately, I’m client-facing in an industry that’s very, very personal for most some of my clients – think memoir-type projects, where I wind up knowing a TON about them, their families, etc. These clients kind of expect that to be a two-way relationship, and I know of one or two “problem clients” who will definitely press and try to get details under the guise of worrying about me.

    Since the ones who’ll do it are touchy, emotionally-invested, and prone to causing issues, I need a really soft, friendly way to redirect them, or I’ll be working around their hurt feelings for weeks. Any ideas?

    Reply ↓
    1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      How about scripts that provide the illusion of sharing details without actually revealing anything personal?

      “Thank you so much for your concern. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. It was a bit of a whirlwind, but things are settling down now, and I’m glad to be back in the swing of things. How has your week been going? Any exciting developments on your end?”

      “I’m touched by your kindness. It means a lot to have such caring clients. There were some ups and downs, as these situations often go, but we’re all doing better now. Now that I’m back, I’d love to hear about any updates on your project. How’s everything coming along?”

      “Things are looking up, thanks for asking. It was a bit challenging, but we’re focusing on the positives and getting back into our routines. Speaking of which, how are you feeling about the progress on your memoir? Any new ideas or directions you’re excited about?”

      “Oh, you know how family can be! A bit like a soap opera at times, but we’re all hanging in there. But enough about my drama, how about subject change?”

      And if they ask detailed follow up questions, be prepared to seem distracted – answer something in detail about how your sister in law was wondering that exact same thing and go off on a ramble about where she lives and how hard it is for her to get around in the new rural area without a car and then segue to policies around public transportation and how that caused an argument in your family and … etc.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ostrich Herder*

        The “illusion of sharing details” would actually be huge here, because I really think that what they’re looking for is to feel, emotionally, like I’m as open to them as they are to me. So something like “Oh, you wouldn’t believe it, we were stuck in [local hospital with a bad reputation] for eight hours before we could get transferred to [good hospital], can you believe that? It made me think of…” and then volleying it back to them and their stories will probably be really, really effective.

        Reply ↓
    2. Ostrich Herder*

      It may also be worth noting here, if the context changes anything – the answer to the inevitable followup “Are things okay now?” is a pretty definitive no, there’s a terminal diagnosis involved, and I’m likely to have to take more time in the future as things worsen. But I definitely don’t want to tell them that!

      Reply ↓
      1. Ellis Bell*

        I would head it off long before that point with some kind of script implying my family member is entitled to privacy+ distraction topic. So, “It’s not really my situation to share, but you know I am just really glad to be back doing Work Thing!” or “I was just there for emotional support, but they’re super private, so I felt very trusted. Anyway! (Subject change)!”, or “Could you do me a favour and distract me with literally any other topic? It’s not really my situation to share anyway.”

        Reply ↓
      2. Double A*

        You can truthfully answer something like, “Oh yes, things are stable” or “Yes, we have clarity about it now.”

        I’m sorry to hear about your family member.

        Reply ↓
    3. Rusty Shackelford*

      “You know, I really appreciate your concern, but I’m just not ready to talk about it. Rest assured that everything is okay now. Thanks for being so understanding.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        Sorry, just saw that everything is not okay. How about “Rest assured that everything is being done that can be done.”

        Reply ↓
    4. Mostly just tired*

      Has anyone ever taken a sabbatical from work? I’m feeling incredibly burnt out and exhausted, but also feel stuck on what to do next. Would love to hear anyone’s experiences!

      Reply ↓
    5. Kimchi*

      Yikes.
      Maybe try playing to their ego? “Thanks for caring about me. But it’s really too painful to talk about right now. Keep me in your thoughts/prayers/facebook gossip chain.”
      Do they know about the emergency? If not, just say you were out of the office with the fam. (Which is true)
      I hope your family member is doing better.

      Reply ↓
        1. Ostrich Herder*

          It’s okay! I realized that was probably an important thing to include since it changes the advice, and I should have included it in the original bit, just hadn’t factored that in yet. Consider this a blanket “it’s fine and you’re fine!” to anyone who didn’t see the update before responding, it happens and I appreciate the concern/advice all the same!

          Reply ↓
    6. goose*

      That sounds tricky! I hope they’re respectful about it. A few ideas:
      “I really appreciate your concern, but it’s just a little too fresh to discuss at the moment. I’m sure you understand how that can be.”
      “It’s really sweet of you to ask, but I need some time to process it on my own. Work is a helpful distraction. Can you catch me up on XYZ?”
      “I need to keep things private, but thanks so much for asking. What have I missed?”

      Reply ↓
      1. the cat's pajamas*

        Sorry, [family member] asked me not to share their private medical info, but our family is all pulling together to give them the support they need.

        Reply ↓
    7. Flower*

      I’m so sorry about your family member.

      I think Filthy Mercenary’s ideas are brilliant. I might consider adding, if they continue to press and know it concerns a health thing, something like, “I do really appreciate your concern. But my relative has asked that I not share details. I know you will understand.” This takes the “blame” for noncommunication off of you. (Or “my relative would not want me to share details.”)

      Best wishes to you and your family.

      Reply ↓
    8. Potsie*

      “It’s been rough but I’m doing ok. I really appreciate your concern but talking about it makes it really hard to focus on work which I am sure you understand. Rest assured that everything is handled and I am fully ready to (insert next task for client).”

      Reply ↓
  52. admin who needs to adjust her expectations*

    is it bad if I genuinely wonder what my boss does all day? she’s the office manager, and myself and my coworker (“we”) are office clerks in a law firm. said office manager is a newer position, she’s the first one in this role.

    if there are meetings to be set up, my coworker and I do it. we might get direction from her, like layouts and stuff (which she gets from the people running the meetings), but we set it up. we also set up water and coffee and IT stuff if it’s not already done so by the actual IT people.

    we also greet the clients when they’re here and get them situated in the conference rooms, and then let the attorneys know they have people waiting for them.

    we do the mail, and scan that and any fedex/ups packages as needed and drop them off to people.

    we put away any files that people have left out.

    we take monthly inventory and tell her what needs to be ordered. she does the ordering, but that’s more bc there can only be a certain number of users with the supplier. we unpack it and put it away and then also update the inventory sheets and budget information. at the end of the year, we’ll do the supply order budgets for all three cities we have offices in. we do not do the overall budget for our department, thank god.

    if someone brings in food for the office, we clean it up if it’s not already cleaned up.

    we don’t have a lot of people traveling for work, so there’s nothing there. she might do some continuing ed stuff for lawyers, but surely that doesn’t take up that much time?

    we manage the phones. and a lot of the calls are for an office in another city, who doesn’t have their own phone line. when I asked about this I was told it’s because their clerk only works in the mornings and they can’t have people’s phones ringing all day. in general too we pick up work from the other offices.

    if someone needs a messenger run, we do it. even if it’s involving walking five blocks with a dolly to drop off a heavy fedex package that has to go out that night.

    if an attorney has a project for us to do, they ask her and then she gives it to us.

    it just seems like my coworker and I do a lot. but I know she’s working later because she’ll send us emails about things to restock that we see the next day. she’ll help out if we ask, but generally we’re expected to do things ourselves.

    I am hoping my annoyance is not justified and I need to get to together and realize she’s got a lot more going on than I know (which I am sure is true).

    but when I think of an office manager just in general, it seems like we do a lot of what they do. I’m not being critical (or trying not to be, I am a lil stressed lately), but I am wondering….

    Reply ↓
    1. Ostrich Herder*

      It’s very possible that she’s managing projects you don’t know about, because they’re coming directly from the attorneys and she’s handling the whole thing without your input! I know many office managers cross over into some financial work as well, like managing hours/budgets/payroll, though you may have a dedicated staff member for that. I had a similar doubt about my own manager, early in my time here, because my plate was always full, but I was never sure what they were doing. Then I was re-organizing some project files, and realized we had clients I didn’t even know existed. My manager was just quietly handling 100% of the work for all their projects, and I never knew because I wasn’t needed. It’s possible your office manager isn’t handling as much as you two are, but it’s also really possible that she’s just handling things you’re never read in on, because it’s not going to affect you or your job and would just be a distraction.

      Reply ↓
      1. admin who needs to adjust her expectations*

        well I am glad it’s not just me with the doubts!

        we do have a dedicated HR person who does payroll and stuff like that. but maybe she is taking on some other projects that I just don’t know about, like for the firm and not specific attorneys. I just feel like a lot is on our plates, and it can be, well, a lot.

        Reply ↓
        1. Ostrich Herder*

          Definitely not the only one! I definitely felt that way the most when I was the busiest, too, so I absolutely get it.

          I also just thought about this, but how new is “new” for her position? I do know that it sometimes take a while to transfer all the responsibilities to a new position, some people get prickly and territorial about giving up “their” stuff, even if they’re overworked and want things off their plates. So she may have extra time now that will be filled in the coming months, as well!

          Reply ↓
          1. admin who needs to adjust her expectations*

            thank you. :’) I def don’t mean to complain or make it sound like I think she does nothing, because I know that’s not true. but when I had to go wheel a heavy box five blocks with a dolly, on top of that project already being stressful, well…..

            she’s been here for a little over a year, I believe. and I assume that role was in development long before anyone was actually hired!!

            Reply ↓
        2. Michelle Smith*

          Any chance some of what you’re feeling is a sign that you are ready to move up into a position with more responsibility?

          Reply ↓
          1. admin who needs to adjust her expectations*

            I think this is because for most of my career I’ve been in customer service roles, on the front desks, on phones, while management sits in their offices and makes up policies about stuff without having to deal with things like upset people, or hostile interactions, stuff like that.

            Reply ↓
            1. Abigail*

              I think it’s really common for people in the admin roles to think the people in the other roles aren’t really working all day.

              I think two things are happening:

              (1) a lot of knowledge work is difficult to see in real time

              (2) there are some people who skate through.

              Either way, I would be extremely sure this attitude isn’t coming out at work.

              Reply ↓
    2. CTT*

      Seconding Ostrich that there may be things she’s doing that aren’t super-visible. Funnily enough, your description of what she doesn’t do matches what my firm’s office manager doesn’t do, but we’d be lost without her. A good distinction to make is that a law firm office manager can often be a different job from the usual conception of that role. Most firms I have worked at have had an office manager and then other administrators who do the supply ordering, event set up, etc. What the office manager oversees is the office’s financials (money coming in from clients, not anything payroll related), which is the sort of work that really only the office managers and accounting see day to day.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ostrich Herder*

        This is what I meant by hours, thanks for the law-specific insight! I work in a non-law industry where we bill by the hour, and our office manager (when we had one – long story) was responsible for parsing through all our time tracking, figuring out what to charge clients based on type of work and rate agreements and nonprofit status, who got billed for exact time vs. 15-minute increments vs. being on retainer and just needing it docked from their available time, who paid on net-30 vs. net-60, who was behind on bills, etc. Luckily none of this fell on me when she left, but I know my manager misses her dearly.

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    3. M2*

      I would say they probably are getting work from the attorneys and doing other items. I have someone on my team who does this and if here’s an emergency (we are not a law office) we have to deal with it at night or a weekend. There’s a lot of strategy and a lot of (dumb) meetings, etc.

      There is a lot people don’t see that goes on behind the scenes.

      My office was once by a bunch of admins and they always commented on when I came in and left but what they didn’t see was when my child went to bed at 7 PM I was back in the office from 7:15-11 or that when I had to fly and meet a client and they wanted a meeting on a Saturday at 4 I had to fly out Saturday or Friday night and work my entire weekend and no one knew in the admins because I booked it all myself. When my boss, the President emailed or called me on a Saturday and wanted a project completed by Sunday I did it and didn’t bother others since it was their weekend. Did I talk about it? No or only to people on the same kind of level to see if this was happening across departments. But u had busy bodies gossiping so I had to shut it down and I did and then I moved my office.
      I have someone who works for me who again is in that same office area and it’s happening to her. I don’t care when she gets her work done as long as it gets done. Did she leave at 2 Pm the other day? Yes, but she also worked until 11 PM at an event last week no that none of those people knew about. But she’s getting the same stuff I was getting too even though she does excellent work. They have to work 8:30-5 so they expect everyone else to work 8:30-5 not knowing that most of us work a lot longer than those hours!

      Reply ↓
    4. Another Lawyer*

      I think that’s the type of job that can vary a lot between firms/offices. In my experience, larger firms have an “office administrator” or something similar who serves as the person running the non-legal aspects of the office. They might oversee the non-legal staff in the office (hiring, firing, supervision, etc.), deal with logistics, finances and budgets, etc. They may also deal with issues and projects as they come in, like construction, office moves, the office’s landlord, etc. It can be a big job. (But, of course, that doesn’t mean your boss is responsible for all of this at your firm.)

      Reply ↓
      1. admin who needs to adjust her expectations*

        ok, that makes sense! we have an office administrator AND office manager…. I know we have offices in other cities, which we in the main office often pick up their tasks, but I didn’t think we were that big….

        Reply ↓
    5. Nola*

      I’m a paralegal with over 20 years experience currently working in a mid-sized law firm and I’ll say this as nicely as I can – you may need to adjust your expectations.

      The tasks you’re complaining about are admin tasks and have been at any firm I worked. I would not expect the office manager to be couriering files, stocking supplies, reshelving files, processing mail, or doing setups/breakdowns. Helping the admins if they’re overloaded one day – sure. But those would not be tasks for the office manager to handle on a regular basis.

      Law firm office managers often do a lot of behind the scene coordination stuff that may not be visible to you and may not even be things you are aware of. There’s often a lot of work that’s part management, part finance, and part smoothing of various egos while trying to make different departments play well together.

      If you and the other admin are overloaded you can let the office manager know. Maybe you need a third admin. But don’t complain about the office manager not doing tasks that are assigned to you when those tasks are not part of her job.

      Reply ↓
      1. admin who needs to adjust her expectations*

        see this is what i needed, thank you!!! in my experience, granted not in law firms, the office admin(s) did actually do the kind of stuff we do every day. so that’s kind of what i was basing my views off of. again, i do not mean to imply she does nothing, because i know for a fact she does. but i’m getting the sense that law firms are a different beast altogether…. and i am definitely willing to adjust my expectations. i also understand that there are things i am not privy to, which is great as i don’t want to be privy to them.

        Reply ↓
      2. Strive to Excel*

        I think that in small businesses, the gradient between “office manager” and “office admin” can get blurred or combined. That’s certainly true for the office I’m in now. But if you’ve got a big enough office with an office admin and an office manager, the roles split back apart.

        Reply ↓
  53. Student*

    I’m a “geriatric Millennial” who over the summer returned to the workforce as a student in a new field in a hybrid office. My onboarding wasn’t exactly smooth. The traditional college-age student who was supposed to train me was out of his depth; he’d get frazzled and I’d get confused, and he eventually just stopped coming into the office on the days I work. I’ve had to figure out a lot of things by trial and error, but I’ve developed a reputation as a good worker.

    The manager has a goal that each desk have a set of procedures. The students are not assigned tasks individually; it’s essentially a job share. The senior student discovered an app that records a screenshot of every click. Some of these documents are over 100 pages long, including multiple pages of mouse scrolls, and can only be viewed as webpages. I find them difficult to access and hard to follow, yet when I’ve expressed that to the student, he’s doubled down on them. When I made mistakes trying to follow one of the lengthy procedures and asked for feedback about what I did wrong, he just directed me back to the procedure. And on occasion when I’ve asked questions he’s mocked me.

    We are going to be short staffed, so I want to be sure I can keep up with the additional work, but I’m finding it difficult to work with this student and get the information I need. I have been out of the workforce long enough that I don’t know if this app is a thing now and I’m just being old and inflexible for not being able to follow along. I don’t want to be difficult, but shouldn’t documents be user-friendly, especially when they are in-lieu of training?

    Reply ↓
  55. llamasandteapots*

    Here to be a Grumpy McGrumperson…

    Why do so many companies make employees exempt, then refuse to treat them as exempt except for when it benefits the company? I can work oodles of overtime and no one says a word, but the moment I am 15 (yes, 15) minutes under 37.5 hours, I get a ping from HR. Make it make sense!

    Reply ↓
    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      I think “benefits the company” answers your question. (But I know what you mean. I worked somewhere that the management was really, really bad about this! Then a bunch of people were reclassified to hourly, and they were surprised that nobody even tried to work more hours or take on more responsibility.)

      Reply ↓
    2. ExemptIsAboutOvertime*

      Because exempt doesn’t mean work whatever hours you please, it means work your 40 (or in your case 37.5 – I’m jealous) as a minimum and, as needed, do more. Exempt is about whether you’re entitled to overtime for the extra hours.

      Reply ↓
  56. ThinMint*

    A few weeks ago I had asked for advice on how to engage my team in picking a new name. I appreciated all the comments and ended up having them do a word map ahead of our meeting so I could see what words came out on top. From there, I put together 8 options that I presented to them to get us started, as well as some of my guidelines and feedback I’d heard from others about our current team name. For some proposed names, we did ask ChatGPT what a team of that name did so that we could have an outside gauge on if we were in the right area.

    We had great engagement and ended up choosing a name that wasn’t part of the 8, but a combination of words we all felt worked and represented all of us. Feedback to my managers after was that people appreciated being asked and included.

    Overall – a great success! Thank you AAM.

    Reply ↓
  57. persimmon*

    Here’s a question for you guys –

    A few years ago, I had an internship doing something that’s kind of niche in my degree. It was a great experience, but I ended up taking a job in a slightly different field because the nicheness meant there wasn’t much available.

    I’m now job searching and there’s an opening at the same place I had the internship, and the hiring manager is the guy who was my supervisor for the internship. We’ve been in contact (meeting at conferences, emailing occasionally) since then, so he definitely remembers me.

    The internship is going to be my most relevant experience – I’ve done similar things at other jobs but not quite the same type of work – and I’m not sure how to approach it in my letter, given that I’d be explaining it to a guy who was there.

    It feels awkward to be like “My experience with X comes from my internship at Y in 20XX where I blablabla” when the letter will go to the person at Y who taught me how to do X. But it also feels off to leave out any explanation and just say “Other than coursework, most of my experience with X comes from my internship at Y” and assume he would know what I’m talking about. Am I overthinking this?

    Reply ↓
    1. Nemy*

      The short answer is yes, you’re overthinking this.

      If you have his cell phone or know his office number, I would just call directly and say “Hi Fergus, I saw that you had a position open for XXX. I think my experience working there as an intern would be helpful. Do you think I would be a fit for the position?”

      Reply ↓
    2. Cordelia*

      I think you need to approach this the same way as if it was an internal interview – pretend the interviewers have never met you and you need to explain everything. The hiring manager is probably not the only person looking at your application, and the others might not know you. Also it was a few years ago and although he remembers you he might not remember what your specific strengths and achievements were, you need to remind him! It’s not about explaining what the employer does, but what you did when you worked there.

      Reply ↓
  58. Busy Middle Manager*

    Any unemployed people who are very frustrated on BLS job reports days (if you follow the news, that is).

    At least I have freelance work, but when I do look for a traditional job, I can barely find any listings these days. Anecdotally, and by that, I mean, people working in almost every industry, all I hear is hiring freezes and not replacing people who quit, with a few layoffs.

    Meanwhile, jobs reports often come out saying a billion jobs were created and the media goes nuts and you’re sitting here feeling even more alone and alienated, wondering where all of these jobs are and how can you find one to apply to or interview for.

    Good vibes going out to others who feel gaslit by the “supernova” jobs report today.

    Reply ↓
    1. Elizabeth West*

      I remember this same kind of whoop-dee-doo the last time I was searching, and then most of the jobs seemed to be customer service positions that didn’t pay much. :{
      If the minimum wage was a living wage, that would be amazing.

      Reply ↓
  59. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    Mostly just here to vent: one of my colleagues lied to me, and also is majorly jerking around a junior staff member.

    Andrea has been my peer for a couple of years and we manage two teams within a larger department; a couple of months ago we took on two of their clients as they were swamped and understaffed, as part of this we absorbed one of their junior team members, Tommy. Tommy was told Sandra was still his line manager for topline things but day to day tasks would be assigned by my team, for the time being.

    Tommy has thrived in my team, for s range of reasons – nothing to do with me, all two do with my excellent direct reports. In the meantime, Andrea had a newish starter, Emma, to help their team.

    Notably, Andrea is quite cliquey. Her team is made up of many people she considers good personal friends. Emma is very different, personality wise, from Andrea’s clique, as well as being brand new to the team and office work. But Emma is enthusiastic and wants to learn, plus their role is clearly entry level, expertise is not assumed.

    Tommy in my team has more expertise and also a similar personality to the clique, I’d say. This is relevant as Andrea has been increasingly frustrated with Emma for needing support, even though Andrea is not Emma’s manager – she manages her manager, who unsurprisingly is an old pal of Andrea’s.

    So Andrea keeps telling me that Tommy is confused by the current set up, has been complaining about the arrangement – I take this seriously and talk to Tommy and my team, and hear otherwise. He likes the structure and feels more supported, which he may well just be saying to me because I’m the team lead. But his work is also much better and he has better office attendance, etc.

    So we are planning to do a team restructure. Andrea tells me that Tommy wants to come back to her team. I’m a little taken aback, but also Tommy doesn’t have much of a choice – our boss decided where he would be. Then ahead of the formal announcement of the restructuring, Andrea told Emma that the team is changing and that Emma was leaving Andrea’s team.

    You probably guessed what Andrea’s plan is – move Tommy back to her team and ditch Emma. Thing is,it’s not going to happen, for a range of external reasons, but I’m seething that she would lie to me about what Tommy wants (for the record, I can’t know for sure but have 90% assurance that Tommy never said this from multiple sources) but much more because poor Emma is getting stuffed around. Emma needs training and support, not being treated like she’s a failure and not part of the inner circle. I despite workplace popularity contests and lying, and if Andrea had said to me she just wanted Tommy back I could at least respect that. But I can’t respect this.

    Reply ↓
    1. FashionablyEvil*

      I would take this to your boss, tbh, and outline your concerns (the poor treatment of Emma, the clique-ish behavior, etc.). I’d frame it as an equity issue for entry level staff and making sure they’re all supported.

      Reply ↓
  60. Mostly just tired*

    Has anyone ever taken a sabbatical from work? I’m feeling incredibly burnt out and exhausted, but also feel stuck on what to do next. Would love to hear anyone’s experiences!

    Reply ↓
    1. Mad Scientist*

      My friends who are teachers have done this and called it a “gap year”. They were usually still working (one owned a hobby-related business as a side hustle). Some went back to teaching afterwards and others went on to do other things. I’ve also known someone at my company who took extended unpaid leave to hike the Appalachian Trail. It can be done!

      Reply ↓
      1. Ostrich Herder*

        This! I know from a few friends who have done this that have framed it as being “lucky to have the opportunity” to take a year off for travel/volunteer work/whatever – but they always said it was for a specific thing, and emphasized that it was over now. They sometimes ran into was hiring managers who were suddenly worried that they were going to demand remote work to go back to digital-nomad stuff, or that they’d found their real passion in volunteering. So they just made sure to be clear that whatever they’d set out to do was amazing, and that it was definitively finished, and that they were really excited to get back to their respective career paths. Almost all of them mentioned that their interviewers said something along the lines of “Oh, I wish I could take time off like that!” so you’ll want to have a good response to that in your back pocket, as well!

        Reply ↓
  61. President Pospoise*

    I’m late to the party, but hopefully someone will have some advice for me. What do you do when someone you work with sees you as the BEC (especially if you return the sentiment)?

    I work at a very, very large company, in a regulatory compliance position. I’m a relatively young person in a role with significant influence and visibility for my functional area but with little actual authority. I’m also a subject matter expert in my area, despite my (comparatively) young age. My job requires me to be very visible – leading meetings, trainings, and committees, writing communications and governance documents, contract negotiations, etc. A large part of my job is to be a pleasant and professional communicator – and also to keep those projects and meetings on track.

    My issue is with a coworker in a different reporting chain within the same function, who is nearing retirement and who technically has a higher pay grade, but also has a much narrower scope of work. This person is legitimately an expert in her area. She knows a lot, and I respect her knowledge. However, her communication style is just awful and rude. She’ll monopolize meetings with topics not on the agenda, interrupt people and talk over them, and be dismissive of ideas that are not her own. She does not consider other perspectives when stating her opinion/experience as universal fact – and she’s wrong frequently enough that it’s a problem. At one point earlier this spring, she inserted herself into an important contract negotiation, and in a general meeting with the other side (VERY high level people in the room) derailed the whole thing with some in the weeds detail that was frankly inappropriate. The person leading the negotiation lost his mind and later threatened to remove our whole function from the negotiation because of her behavior – which I had to pass to my boss, who then passed that info to her boss.

    Since then, it’s clear that this woman hates me. She has made false complaints that could be damaging to my reputation (that I had mocked her reporting chain to external people, and that I am dismissive, a know-it-all, and rude on external calls with vendors and maybe with other people too, idk) and her bosses and mine have reviewed and investigated and found no wrongdoing on my side. Both of our bosses see this as a personality conflict. I’ve also asked for feedback from others who have attended these events who have said there’s nothing bad they’ve seen. I worry that she’s started to spread rumors around the community we’re in. I have done my best to pretend like I had heard nothing about how she feels about me, but to be polite and professional (but cautious) in our interactions. I still ask for her feedback and insights where appropriate, so I’m not freezing her out or anything.

    Last week, we were both in an external meeting where she made a statement that would be true from her very narrow perspective but would be catastrophically false if considered for the whole company. I had to gently and professionally (really, I swear – I checked with someone after) correct her. I sent her a quick IM just saying hey, I know you’re right from the perspective of X, but I also have to make sure we’re considering Y and Z, so that’s why I shifted the language in that paragraph… and she just lost it on me over IM. She was saying things like – you’re wrong, you think I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t want to talk to you, I’m not the only one who thinks you’re terrible – but just generally with a ruder tone.

    I was so taken aback that I just took some time, cooled off a bit, and responded and hour later with a long note with the general gist of hey, I do respect you, but if you don’t want to talk that’s ok – let me or my boss know if there’s an issue that you see and I’ll work to fix it. I showed my boss the exchange and she was blown away by this woman’s lack of professionalism, but I asked her not to address it with the coworker directly. I don’t want her feeling like we’re gossiping about her – even if that’s not what’s happening. My boss thinks that this coworker sees me as too young to be in the visible role I’m in, and that there’s no way I could be competent because she doesn’t know about my professional experience. She also thinks she might be jealous of the stuff I get to do. I don’t know that there’s an easy way to fix that.

    Anyway, I don’t know how to deal with this woman anymore. I’m staying polite and professional (but cautious), just as before. I’m keeping her in my meetings and I’m hoping that if she is spreading rumors, people will consider the source. But I’d love any feedback people can give on stuff I could do to repair this relationship. It may just be unrepairable, but I will likely be working with this person until she retires, and our paths cross frequently.

    Reply ↓
    1. President Pospoise*

      To clarify – when I’m asking for general feedback on this stuff from others, it’s always ‘hey, I’ve gotten some feedback sharing that I may have a communications approach issue in XYZ situation – have you noticed anything and can you give me feedback?’ I’m not bringing this coworker’s name into this at all (with the exception of discussion the issue with my boss, because she needs to know the full situation/dynamic).

      Reply ↓
      1. Michelle Smith*

        I’m not sure there is anything you can do, since you’ve shut out the possibility of having it addressed with her directly by someone with the authority to do so. From what you’ve written here, it’s not your behavior that’s the issue. It’s perfectly fine to dislike coworkers, but acting unprofessionally is not fine at all.

        Reply ↓
        1. Michelle Smith*

          Remember – you can’t control other people’s actions or opinions, just your own. So release yourself from that burden.

          Reply ↓
      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yeah, President Pospoise wrote that “Both of our bosses see this as a personality conflict.” Seems to me like now your boss has seen that it’s not a “personality conflict,” it is the coworker being rude and aggressive.

        I don’t think the relationship can be “repaired” or the coworker can be made to stop being jealous/stop thinking Pospoise is too young/stop thinking Pospoise is incompetent. But I do think having a manager talk to her could make her stop spreading rumors and start being professional in her communications.

        Reply ↓
        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          This person is already being awful, so Porpoise really has nothing to lose by asking their boss to address their behaviour, especially since the boss has seen written proof of the lack of professionalism. The colleague can dislike Porpoise as much as they want, but they can still treat them with a basic level of professionalism and politeness. If they go nuclear after their behaviour is addressed and HR ultimately has to get involved – well, they can’t say they weren’t warned. This person sounds like someone who simply isn’t going to knock it off without outside intervention.

          Reply ↓
      2. President Pospoise*

        I’m fine with my boss working with her boss and leadership to address the general issue (and even sharing the details of the IM exchange if that’s what she wants to do) – but I don’t want my boss to call this woman directly and chew her out. My boss outranks her boss, and her boss’s boss, so it would be a really harsh discussion which might damage our groups’ overall relationship.

        Reply ↓
        2. FashionablyEvil*

          Do you think your boss would call her and chew her out? I would have thought the logical step would be for your boss to call her boss. You can also tell your boss directly: “I want to make sure we maintain an overall good relationship between our groups so I’d really appreciate anything you can do to handle this sensitively.”

          Reply ↓
          1. President Pospoise*

            Hlao-Roo and FashionablyEvil, I think you’re both right on. It should be a boss-level discussion. There will still be a power imbalance, as my boss is an executive and her bosses are not, but that can’t reasonably be helped without bringing it to her executive’s level which would be overkill without other evidence of wrongdoing. (I don’t think my boss would really chew out my coworker, but she is very direct, and this woman seems to take anything that’s not deference as a insult and seems to thrive on drama.) The suggestion to ask for extra sensitivity is good.

            I worry that she’s doing this sort of thing to others she perceives as ‘less-than’ – she explicitly doesn’t want us talking to her reports without her on copy, so it might not be visible. I do genuinely want her to do well in her role (selfishly, because I’m tired of her doing this disruptive and embarrassing stuff in front of our function, external parties and everyone else), but I think you’re right that I have to just let her hate me, as long as it’s professional. But her leadership should be watching her communication.

            Reply ↓
            1. MsM*

              I mean, she’s made multiple false complaints that were found to be without merit and nearly lost the company an important contract because she refuses to acknowledge she might not be the ultimate authority on everything. If I were the executive in charge of her, I’d be contemplating reprimanding both your bosses for not taking this more seriously. If dealing with her once and for all causes tension, let that be on her head, not yours.

              Reply ↓
        3. Ellis Bell*

          Just outright attacking you just isn’t okay though; that’s not a lack of professional polish, or a personality conflict… that’s just very seriously egregious and harmful behaviour that you shouldn’t have to put up with. Before I got to that part it reminded me of two powerful women I used to work with who despised each other because of communication styles; one was very diplomatic but unfocused, the other extremely blunt. One of the women, Thelma was married to a woman who had the same name as her professional adversary, Louise. One day, Professional Louise ticked off Thelma so much, that she sent a text message to wife Louise ranting about what an insufferable know-it-all work Louise was and how she hated having to work with her. You guessed it, the text went to the wrong Louise. Apparently it was a wake up call and they were firm friends by the time I knew them. The big difference is neither would have deliberately sent the other an abusive message! If you don’t want your boss to handle it, (and you’re really entitled to) then you’re going to have to say something yourself because you absolutely cannot let this stand. “I don’t need you to agree with me, or even like me, but I won’t work with someone who attacks me and talks to me like that. What’s really going on?” Or “Being subjected to abuse is a hard no for me and I won’t tolerate it. Given that, how should we proceed from here?” If you don’t get immediate realisation from her though, you’re fully entitled to tell your boss you can’t work with someone this unprofessional and she needs to be addressed.

          Reply ↓
        4. Tio*

          Your boss should still take a stronger stance with hers, though. It’s one thing to have a “personality conflict”, it’s another to make false reports about someone. That’s a pretty serious issue, and it’s not a personality conflict. It should be treated much like lying directly to her boss.

          Reply ↓
  62. Working Parent*

    Parents of school-aged children, what do you do for child care during school breaks, particularly summer? My kid’s school has an awesome before/after school program that they love, but that’s only available during the school year. My MIL helps out currently, but I don’t want to put the strain of full-time care on her during long breaks. I’ll be starting a part-time job soon after being a full-time caregiver, and want to plan ahead for the summer.

    Reply ↓
    2. trifle*

      Camps. A different camp every week. We used to alternate community centre (inexpensive) camps with premium camps. Also, if you get 3+ weeks holiday, each parent takes a week with the kid – forms closer relationships.

      Reply ↓
    3. M2*

      Camps! Ask other parents and sign up
      Early and the best and least expensive ones fill up quick. There are a few camps that are excellent but not super expensive in my area but I found that out through other parents, even a simple google didn’t have them come up. My spouse’s job also offered a reduced price camp through a company which I didn’t know about until August because a parent told me- and my spouse had worked at his company for years!

      Ask around as some camps are very expensive. There are also some half day camps and things if you want a reduced price so your MIL only has to do childcare for half the day. I have friends who do a mix of camp and vacation and grandparents watching.

      If you age only working PT then look for camps that are only half day and work during that time.

      Also, ask friends families so you could help with carpool, etc.

      Reply ↓
    4. ThinMint*

      Camp… and they usually release details in late December, early January, and sign-up for them starts January or February usually.

      Is it exhausting having to think and plan this far ahead? Yes.

      Reply ↓
      1. Working Parent*

        Thanks! I plan to look into camps. It’s harder because my kid will only be 4 next summer, so too young for many camps.

        Reply ↓
    5. Abigail*

      Check your YMCA or parks and rec, some of them have camps starting at age 4.

      Heads up for preschool aged camp: many of them run abbreviated hours. I think my kids had one that was 8 – 1. If your MIL can pitch in doing some camp runs and gaps between camp and work that would be helpful.

      Good luck! I find the juggle harder with school aged kids than day care.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ruthie*

      The awesome before/after program that my kids were in also ran day camps in the summer. That worked out great for my kids since they already knew some of the staff and kids. You signed up week-by-week so you don’t have to register for the whole summer if you just need help for a few weeks. This worked great for our family — hope your before/after school program does the same!

      Reply ↓
    7. Samwise*

      We used to do Parent Camp for the week between the end of summer camps and the start of school. Each parent had all the kids for one day. There had to be some sort of activity — no plopping all the kids in front of the tv all day. Also we all wanted those kids to be tiiiiirrrreeed at the end of the day. So, maybe putt-putt, go to the park, go to the kid museum, bike rides, board games, crafts, whatever.

      This way we each only needed to take one day off from work.

      Reply ↓
  63. Ganymede II*

    I returned to work after a layoff and a baby 3 months ago. I had been off work for 9 months.
    The return is harder than I thought it would be. I feel like I got stupider on my time off. I am not as sharp as I used to be. I make stupid mistakes. I miss deadlines. I send the wrong link to an important file in an email to important people. I try to put together systems to avoid slippage – and slippage keeps happening. My manager kindly called me out on it this week – she was great about it, but clearly, she has noticed, it’s not me being a perfectionist.

    This is a job I thought would be a really good match for my skills. I was super eager to do it. The company offers great work-life balance, there is no culture of overwork.

    Questions:
    1) what the eff could be wrong with me? Is it coming back after leave and losing some muscle memory? Do other women experience this after giving birth (I don’t underestimate hormones)? (It’s not my baby – daycare is working well, I have a co-parent I can trust, she’s a happy baby.)

    2) how do I climb up the whole I seem to be digging myself into? I know I can do better than this. I *have* done much better than this in the past.

    3) I know this is a terrible first impression. What can I do in the future to correct it?

    Reply ↓
    1. M2*

      Don’t send things off right away. Save them as drafts and check them again. Check the link or maybe before you send to all send to yourself and double check the link or attachment.

      If there’s a program or system you can put your work into that helps to check for errors I would look into that- not something that does your work but something that checks for mistakes.

      For deadlines, make it earlier for yourself. If it’s due Friday by 3 have it be due Thursday by 5 PM or Friday by 12 and just put it that way in your calendar with multiple reminders. That way if you forget and you see the reminder you have a little time to do it and not rush.

      Ask your manager to help you prioritize what to get done. I have people on my team who need to (they want to do it it helps them) send me a list daily of what they will get done. Writing it down for some is better than saying it so if it helps then I look it over quickly and if there’s an issue or something can be moved to another day I let them know.

      Talk to your manager and see if they have any insights that might help you. I have people who are visual or auditory learners. See what style works best for you and try to work with that. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    2. Ostrich Herder*

      I don’t have much personal insight on 1, so I’ll leave that to people who can say more, but:

      2.) Figure out why it’s happening. You mention slippage, and systems that don’t catch the slippage, so clearly you’re trying hard, but whatever thing or things are at the bottom of this, knowing them is half the battle.

      Are you working too fast? Too slow? Zoning out and then rushing to catch up? Do you spend your time mired down in details that wind up stealing your time from other, more crucial tasks? Do you not know what’s important and what’s not? Are things organized well enough for you to keep files and deadlines straight? Are there tasks you feel less prepared for – or have messed up on in the past – and are now avoiding?

      And it’s likely not just you. What external factors are playing into this? How does this compare to teams you’ve worked on in the past? To projects you’ve worked on in the past? You may or may not be different, but the job definitely is, and figuring out how it’s different might help you figure out how to tackle it.

      3.) I think Alison’s usual advice boils down to “say you’re taking it seriously, show you’re taking it seriously, and then take it seriously” and that should work here, too!

      Reply ↓
    3. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

      This is hard to go through! I have never had a baby so I can’t really speak to the why it’s happening, but I do have a lifetime of ADHD and I have found that all the techniques I use to manage also help my friends who are pregnant or entering menopause.

      M2 is right – don’t respond too quickly to anything. Write your response quickly but leave it in the drafts. My muscle memory is such that I sometimes have to disconnect from the internet to keep from automatically hitting send, but only as long as it takes to break the habit, not forever.

      I have found that when the deadline is doesn’t really matter and making it earlier or later doesn’t have an impact. I’ve had more success scheduling a time to co-work with someone else. We both work quietly on our own things but just sit together and say at the start what we’re working on. There’s also a service called Focusmate that does this virutally. Knowing that I only have this 1 hour to complete the task makes it a lot easier to get done on time; knowing that I only have to work on it during the meeting time makes me less likely to avoid it.

      The most important thing, though, is not storing anything in my brain. My brain’s capacity to process and store information is limited so it’s really important that I clean everything out of it as often as possible. It’s not perfect; I’ll write things down or save them in the most random places. But even when I forget something, I’ve freed enough space in my brain that I can still think clearly most of the time.

      None of these may apply to you but it’s helped some friends of mine who have gone through a similar thing! Also check out the Anti-Planner for other tools.

      Reply ↓
    4. No Tribble At All*

      Are you sleeping well enough? Are you sick? I had a month of absolute disasters at work, and it turned out I had covid and had been pushing through it. Baby kept bringing home germs from daycare.

      Reply ↓
    5. Jane*

      You’ve been through three really stressful things in the last 9-ish months (layoff, job hunting, baby having). Plus your life is completely different than it was the last time you were working (babies are cute, but they change things). It’s no surprise things are harder than they were.

      I’m not sure what a solution is, but consider some therapy visits if that’s an option. At the very least it would help you wrap your head around the problem, and make sure you’re not stressing yourself out (which will only lead to more mistakes).

      Reply ↓
    6. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      Be kind to yourself and try to maintain as much optimism as you can. Most if not all of it will come back in time, but you won’t accelerate the process by trying to hold yourself accountable to perfection or becoming pessimistic.

      Just try to be a better version of yourself today than you were yesterday, this week than you were last week, etc. It’ll come.

      Reply ↓
    7. Double A*

      Having a baby literally rewires your brain. (There’s a book called “Mother Brain” on this topic). I also had to find a new job when my first baby was about 4 months old, and in the moment I was like, “I’m okay, I’m normal,” in retrospect I was at like… 60-70% capacity at best. The good news is that it gets better. I actually feel sharper than ever now that my kids are older.

      As to what to do right now, I think an honest conversation with your boss is worth it, not about the baby causing this specifically, but just that you’re not adapting and ramping up as quickly as you traditionally have. Take some time to think about possible solutions for the issues you’ve been having. And if there are some external supports you could use, bring those to your boss. It’s okay to say you’re needing more time than you thought to ramp up and transition back into work!

      Reply ↓
    8. Alex*

      Mommy brain is a real physiological thing. Be kind to yourself. You’re trying to learn something new at a time when your brain is otherwise occupied. It’s tough! It will get easier.

      Reply ↓
    9. Happy Camper*

      As someone who has kids. They do make you stupider. The hormones affect your brain and redirect some of the power to the smart part of your brain to the nurture part of your brain. (Yes really, there are tons of studies on it) So give yourself grace!

      Reply ↓
  64. Seal*

    My colleagues and I – all of whom are mid- to late-career managers – have been debating whether or not candidates should ask for accommodations for the interview itself. Our HR department handles all the communication with the candidates, which includes boilerplate language asking if the candidate needs any accommodations to participate in the interview (e.g. mobility issues and can’t walk long distances or use stairs, etc.); If the interview schedule includes a meal, candidates are asked if they have any food preferences or restrictions. While most of the requests are dietary, we of course accommodate all requests received.

    However, many of us have had hired candidates who told us after they started that they were dealing with health issues or hidden disabilities during their interview, but didn’t want to ask for an accommodation because they thought it would hurt their chances. We’ve also had candidates who are clearly unwell or noticably in pain during their interview, but insist they’re fine when asked if they need anything (this happens far less often since the pandemic – we rarely have a candidate who’s powering through a cold these days).

    This seems to be a gray area for me and colleagues, and especially friends who work in other industries. Everyone is happy to make accommodations on request to ensure the candidate has a good interview experience. But many of these same people would be very reluctant to ask for an accommodation when THEY are the candidate themselves, unless it’s something they absolutely can’t hide. Having had a few injuries and surgeries myself and having helped friends and family recover from the same, I know it can take months to fully recover. I also know that unconscious bias is very much an issue for those with disabilities. So I wonder – is it better to ask for an accommodation for a hidden or short term disability or power through and hope for the best?

    Reply ↓
    1. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

      It depends!

      If you are in the luxurious position of exploring other opportunities because you want to and not because you’re unemployed or your current role is too toxic/low-paying to continue, then you absolutely should ask for that accommodation.

      If you really can’t afford to risk the opportunity on bias, you gotta power through. The bias is real and pervasive enough that you can’t really write it off as “you don’t want to work at a place that doesn’t provide accommodations anyway” because so, so many of them don’t. And even if the company is accommodating once you’re actually employed, a lot of interview processes and participants have unconscious biases built in. It’s just not worth the risk.

      Reply ↓
    2. TCO*

      It’s a tough question.

      I haven’t been in the position of needing accommodations in an interview, but if it were to happen to me in the future, I think I’d be weighing how seriously I need the accommodation. Can I power through the interview knowing that the mental or physical pain/discomfort will be temporary? Or will it be so overpowering that I won’t be able to do as good of a job interviewing as I could with an accommodation?

      It might also depend on whether the condition is temporary or ongoing, and how much it may be perceived (fair or not) as affecting my ability to excel at the job. Sharing that I’m temporarily using a knee scooter in an interview for a desk job would be different than sharing an ongoing significant anxiety disorder, for instance. And maybe I want to use the interview as a test of how well they would accommodate my future needs as an employee.

      I agree that my thinking might also be influenced by how badly I need/want this job, as well as how badly I perceive them as wanting me. If I feel like I have more power (I’m a really strong candidate, or maybe it’s a situation where they already know me), I would probably be more likely to make requests.

      Reply ↓
    3. WontDisclose*

      I am multiply disabled and been on both sides of the interviewing table many times. I will not disclose unless it’s absolutely unavoidable and I resent companies that make it unavoidable because of some arbitrary decision they make. I would find the “please ask for accomodations” note difficult to navigate because it feels like I’ll get dinged later if I don’t disclose up front.

      The problem is that I’ve never once gotten any job where I either disclosed or, for some reason, the interviewer figured out I had or likely had a disability. Not once. And yet, I’ve never had a job where my disability ended up being a real problem (I have bowed out of a very small number of jobs when it became apparent that my disability would interfere with a core requirement – but that’s part of what I investigate during interviews).

      Reply ↓
  65. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

    Mostly just complaining – 80% of my work right now is unable to move forward until I get responses/information/decisions/directives from leadership and I am extremely frustrated by it. My to do list is so long and I can’t seem to knock anything fully off of it. This is the lowest stakes thing but dragging these tasks around that never seem to go away despite how seemingly simple they are really does bring my morale down sometimes.

    Anyone want to commiserate?

    Reply ↓
    1. I feel you*

      Do you and I work at the same place? The only coping strategy I have been able to adopt is to care less. If leadership doesn’t care that performance is stalled by their leisurely approach to doing their jobs, then I have to try to invest less emotionally in the work. What else can we do?

      Reply ↓
    2. Rage*

      I have this too. It’s difficult sometimes because when *I* am told to make something a priority by my boss (an executive), and other executives hold up the process, it makes me look like I’m not doing my job.

      I’m learning to remind myself that just because it’s MY priority doesn’t mean it’s THEIRS. And if my boss isn’t happy, then I will escalate it to her and she can take it up with them. I don’t have to fight that fight.

      Of course, I do my own due diligence about reminders (2 emails and 1 Teams message) before escalating it, so I can say I tried. And then…it’s my boss’s problem. I put a reminder on my calendar to follow up every week or two with her, but otherwise I just put it in the “on hold” file.

      Yeah, it drives me batty that so many projects sit on hold, but it’s no longer my problem. Just reminding myself of that helps quite a bit sometimes. It helps, of course, that my boss and grandboss are super great to work for and won’t take it out on me if one of their same level colleagues is dropping the ball (or simply has their own priority).

      Reply ↓
  66. anonymous higher ed person*

    I am organizing an event for an external professional organization in my field. I invited one of my colleagues to be a panelist. She is on an adjacent team, does really great work, and is a very up-and-coming sort of person.

    I wanted to give her the opportunity to present at an industry event and thought it’d be great to collaborate more.

    I don’t think it’s malicious, but she’s kind of taking over my event. She scheduled the first planning meeting without asking me. At first that seemed ok to let it go because seemed excited about it.

    This week, she shared info about the event on LinkedIn, she has the “right” to do so as registration has opened. However, I’m working on the official post from our official account, and I feel like she stole my thunder. I wanted that post to be the one that gets shared around and hers also is missing other external folks that are working on the other parts of the event I wanted to acknowledge.

    I have another colleague who does stuff like this, but he has a ridiculously huge ego, and also steals credit and oversteps a LOT!

    I think my experience with the latter colleague is making this feel more icky than it is, but I’d love a second opinion.

    Both colleagues are younger than me, and I don’t want to be all “kids these days,” but I’m wondering if in this specific instance there might be some generational differences? I’ve heard some millennials talk outside of work or in social media etc. about how they’ve done everything, like “I started a small business on the side, designed the website, did all the marketing, finance, etc. etc.” This can sound impressive until you realize that’s a lot for one person, and maybe they’re not doing all of those things well. I also know there’s lots of cultural pressure on younger folks that they’re supposed to magically be perfect at everything on the first try, etc. Maybe that’s a contributing factor?

    Either way, how can I tell her to stay in her lane a bit while not deflating her enthusiasm and not getting to a BEC stage myself? I envisioned us all collaborating on this (there are a couple other panelists from my company, too.) I’m starting to feel twinges of regret inviting her to collaborate and I’d rather keep our relationship positive. She’s been a fabulous colleague otherwise.

    Reply ↓
    1. FashionablyEvil*

      I’d do the, “I’m so glad to have you on the team! I wanted to share some next steps and key milestones with you so that we’re on the same page about who’s doing what and when,” and then lay things out. You can also use that time to say things like, “And we handle this part of the event like this because Reasons” and “This person is a VIP, so we want to make sure she gets the invitation first,” etc.

      Yeah, it’s annoying, but see if you can correct the problem by just squaring up on the process before making it a Thing. (I have a colleague who did this to me last week and got us in a bit of hot water as a result, so I feel your pain!)

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        Yeah, I think this is just overenthusiasm, and as long as she knows there is a process and you need her to ask you if there’s any confusion as to where she fits into all that, she’ll stop jumping the gun. You can probably get out ahead of that if you find yourself in a similar situation again by doing a little more setting of expectations and laying out the timeline/point people before things kick off.

        Reply ↓
  67. Anon for this*

    A friend was too shy to post here, even anonymously, so I’m doing this for her.

    She is in the process of converting to Judaism and wants to be observant, which means getting off early each Friday. She has been in the same office job for a number of years and was wondering if anyone could share how you went about requesting religious accommodations when you’ve been at the same job for while. Any challenges?

    Thank you.

    Reply ↓
    1. spcepickle*

      I have a person who reports to me who is an observant Muslim who wanted Friday 12-2pm off for prayers. For us it was really easy to present two options – 1) He works 9 hours M-Th and then 4 hours on Friday getting off at noon. 2) He just takes a long lunch break on Friday we let him chose an extra 15 min M-Thur to make up the hour or an extra hour on Friday. Nobody batted an eye at the request. If you friend is an office worker or someone who does not need coverage getting set up with a schedule that lets her leave early every Friday but get in her 40 hours should be very doable. I am not sure how early she wants to leave but like a 1/3 of my team has a 6am – 2:30 pm schedule everyday as another option, I also have a hand full of people who work 4 days a week 10 hours a day.

      The only think I would be cautious of – You can’t accommodate away a job requirement (even for religion). So if your friend is say a teacher, TSA agent, or nurse – something that has a schedule that requires coverage this gets trickier. It may be possible to get set up on a schedule that always gets Friday afternoon’s off but she may need to be willing to trade for something other consider less desirable – So a Sun – Thur schedule or a really early morning. But it also might just not be possible and then she would need to consider the job vs her faith.

      She knows her work place best, so I would suggest she have an idea of what schedule would work for her AND would make sense where she works and just have her present it to her boss. So hey boss I have had some things in my personal life change and I would really like to switch to this schedule as I really need to be able to leave work by 2pm on Fridays (or whatever). Can we make that work? I would only start pursing an actual accommedation if the boss was a jerk AND having a flex schedule made business sense.

      Reply ↓
    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I’ve worked with lots of people who are definitely observant (including several women who dressed wrist to ankles daily and covered their hair after marriage, attended services several times a week, etc.) and never had any of them want off early every Friday? For holidays, definitely, but weekly? Of course those have all been office jobs, with no evening hours needed.
      I suspect the hardest part might be getting people who, like me, who have never seen that ask before, to understand why she needs it when others of the same faith who are also observant and make arrangements for holidays, etc. don’t do that every week. And of course, the others in the office who wonder why SHE “gets to start the weekend early” (because that will be the perception) every week while they have to work until closing. Being open about her conversion would help but also shouldn’t be necessary, as religion is so personal.
      It’s a bit tricky, for sure, but she should be able to go to HR and frame it as a change in her life, because it is a change in her life. If she can suggest a plan (like working 7-3 on Fridays instead of working 9-5, etc) for making it work that would probably help, too.

      Reply ↓
      1. ShabbatHours*

        In many places in the US sundown is well before 5pm during the winter; anyone who is observant would need to leave early to be home before sundown – and that assumes someone else is prepping for Shabbat which has to be completed before sundown.

        Perhaps you live in the western portions of your timezone where this would be a little less of an issue, especially if the people in question are working from home and therefore don’t need to factor in travel time.

        In some heavily Jewish parts of NYC schools only run until noon on Fridays and then have another half day on Sundays to make five full days of school. The expectation is everyone’s preparing for Shabbat Friday afternoons.

        So yes, best case scenario is some months of leaving at 3 or maybe 4 and other months when 5 might be okay, but that may not be sufficient, especially if there’s any type of real commute involved.

        Reply ↓
  68. Adam*

    The job search is obviously incredibly difficult right now, but I believe I have a tactic that will set me apart and put my resume right in front of the hiring managers and recruiters of my choice:

    I’m mailing in my resume and cover letter.

    Yes, I’m going full 1991 and using the postal service, and I’ll bet I’m the only one. First application went in the mail today for a highly targeted (and likely oversaturated with online applications) role with a major company.

    The hiring manager posted the role on LinkedIn and I’m an amazing match. I have zero faith in the HR application system, so let’s see how this goes. I plan to send off another 10 or so over the weekend, so hopefully in the next 2 weeks I’ll have some kind of result.

    I figure I have nothing but postage to lose by trying it out, and I’m applying online anyway so my info is in their hiring system either way.

    What do you think? Effective, or just annoying?

    Reply ↓
    1. Bookworm*

      Yes, so 1991! :) That’s definitely a different tactic. You will have to let us know how it works out and if anyone makes any comments specifically about snail mailed resumes!

      Reply ↓
    2. TCO*

      I wouldn’t do it.

      With how dispersed the workforce can be these days, do you know that the hiring manager will even see the mail?

      When I hire, it’s a mark against a candidate, not one in their favor, when they don’t follow the clear, simple application process outlined in the posting. If someone is relying on “one sweet trick” to get hired, I’ll wonder why they don’t see themselves as able to stand out via the normal hiring process.

      In my organization, the hiring manager also doesn’t see applications first by design. The applications are anonymized (partially redacted) by another employee to reduce bias in hiring. Seeing a full unredacted resume kind of ruins that process (though of course sometimes applications come in from known parties who we recognize even with their names removed, so it’s not perfect).

      Reply ↓
    3. Colette*

      It’s been at least 15 years since I’ve checked the physical mail at work, so I doubt this will be effectiv e unless you are applying for a mailroom job.

      Reply ↓
    4. CTT*

      I would not do it – someone will have to input your information into their system if you bypass it, and there’s a big risk they won’t do it, either because they’re too busy, or they think it’s a red flag that don’t follow directions, or they genuinely mean to but forget.

      Reply ↓
        1. pally*

          Okay- it’s good that you are also following their preferred method of acquiring job candidates for the position. So they can’t fault you for not following their directions on how to apply for the position.

          Hopefully the postal mailed resume will be opened and read by the hiring manager. And they will then look for your online application and things will work out for you.

          Reply ↓
    5. bamcheeks*

      Back in 2000 it was my job to photocopy the applications for distribution to the hiring panel. I wonder whether anyone has that job these days.

      Reply ↓
    6. Ginger Cat Lady*

      100% annoying. You’ll stand out for sure, but not in a good way. In a “can’t follow instructions” way.

      Reply ↓
    7. Fastnachts at 110 mph*

      I vividly remember the fine ‘resume’ linen paper and matching envelopes I purchased in 2000 after college graduation. I, too, mailed them and often drove them to the locations.

      These days, the hiring entities need their information in a database. I hate to give you a papercut on that fine ‘resume’ linen paper but the odds are against you. It’s annoying if you’re a good fit but they don’t want to manually enter your data. Effective in giving them a memory from their analog hiring days (if they’re old enough to have had one).

      Reply ↓
    8. ecnaseener*

      Just annoying, I’m afraid :) It’s good that you’re also applying online, but I don’t think that means you have nothing to lose here – you run the risk of annoying the hiring manager enough that they recognize your name in the system, in a bad way. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s a realistic chance of any hiring manager being impressed enough by this stunt that they go find you in the system and move you up in line.

      Because, well, what exactly would you be hoping to impress them with? The quaintness of it all? If you’re hoping it’ll show commitment, I think that kind of backfires because sticking your resume in an envelope and mailing it is easier than filling out most online applications. So it doesn’t read as “going the extra mile,” it reads as “trying to circumvent our processes because he can’t be bothered and doesn’t like to follow directions.”

      Reply ↓
    9. M2*

      I had someone do this once- sent their resume, cover letter, and a note directly to me at my office. It rubbed me the wrong way and made me uncomfortable, so when I saw their information in the HR system, they did not end up making the initial cut.

      I would not do this for roles you really want. Maybe someone will like this, but I found it really strange.

      It would be much better to tailor your resume, write a great cover letter, apply early, network, and diversify where you apply. So many people apply for roles they think they are qualified for, but aren’t. Totally fine to do that, but also apply for roles that are lateral moves or even some that might be a step down if you are changing careers.

      I have written this before but I have had Director level roles available and stated in the description must have a minimum of 2 years of senior- level experience and I received so many resumes where people had not even been Managers or Associate Directors. Unfortunately they weren’t qualified and I had other roles up that they would have been qualified for, but they didn’t apply to. So diversify your applicants and apply within the first 14 days something is posted if you are able.

      Reply ↓
    10. spcepickle*

      If you were applying for my jobs not effective at all. All our jobs get in an on-line portal that only HR has access to. They release a batch of applicants all at once to the hiring manager, and those are the the only applications I am allowed to consider. If I got a resume in the mail I would be so confused and just toss it. And that is IF I got it. With all the remote work chances are it gets to some central mailroom, sits forever, because who gets anything mailed to them anymore, maybe gets opened by our mailroom person and scanned to me (but only if you can figure out the actual hiring manager and not the generic HR person listed on most of our postings) – at which point you just wasted several peoples time just for me to toss it.

      Way better to work your network, ask people to put in good words for you, make personal connections. But if you are committed as you say, just costing you the cost of postage and most likely not hurting you (as long as it is just a resume and cover letter – not like glitter or anything).

      Reply ↓
    12. WantonSeedStitch*

      As a hiring manager, it would irk me. It’s gimmicky and does not demonstrate anything that would make you a better candidate. Might I remember your name when I came across it in the electronic applications? Sure. Would I remember it positively? No.

      Reply ↓
    13. WorkerDrone*

      When I was a hiring manager (not anymore), I would have found it annoying at best and an active mark against you at worst. The instructions we used were clear – apply through the online system. If I got a resume and cover letter in the mail, I would at first be deeply puzzled and then assume that the person was incapable of using the internet – and thus immediately be disinterested in hiring them.

      Once I realized you also applied online I’d be even more puzzled, because why are you wasting both of our time with a paper resume and cover letter that is neither wanted nor needed? It’s literally just trash mailed to me. I wouldn’t save it, or read the paper copy, or do anything with it but toss it in recycling.

      I think you have more to lose here than postage. I’d be concerned this was an applicant that didn’t follow directions. I’d be concerned this was an applicant that didn’t really mind wasting time or resources on silly things like this. I’d be concerned this was an applicant who did not understand our workplace norms if they thought this would put their resume in front of me (as opposed to in the recycling).

      It would NOT stop me from interviewing a very strong candidate, but it would give me concerns. It might stop me from interviewing a candidate I wasn’t sure about, assuming I had other strong candidates.

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        +1. Ultimately, I’m going to need the resume to end up in electronic form anyway so I can circulate it. Your credentials are not necessarily going to be outweighed by my annoyance at scanning it and only then discovering I didn’t need to do that, but it’s not going to help.

        Reply ↓
    14. Unkempt Flatware*

      Ineffective and shows lack of judgement. I’d assume you didn’t know how to use a computer and would put you in the “never” category.

      Reply ↓
    15. Cordelia*

      Annoying and pointless, I’m afraid. If we received an application by mail, when we had a clearly set out online application process, we would throw it away without reading.
      There is no version of this scenario in which the jaded hiring manager, exhausted from staring at all the online applications on her screen, gets passed a paper application by her secretary and is immediately wowed by the gumption, out-of-the-box thinking and general brilliance of the person who has sent it. Sorry.

      Reply ↓
    16. Hiring Mgr*

      It wouldn’t bother or annoy me personally, but it wouldn’t improve your chances either. I wouldn’t really care about the “not following directions” part but YMMV on that.

      What I might do instead: Since you know who the hiring manager is, maybe you have some LinkedIn connections in common that could help you with an intro or some intel?

      Reply ↓
  69. Eat more chikn, not cats*

    Networking – Riffing off @dude, who moved my cheese? post

    I’m attending a 2 day conference in my city. I’m unemployed so this is a great chance to meet people. I don’t know anyone and never networked in this city (moved here in 2020 and went right to work. My role didn’t require networking). There aren’t great opportunities to network, for my industry, so meeting these people would be by chance in most instances.

    Question:
    The conference provides a list of attendees and contact information
    – Do I connect with them prior to the event via LinkedIn or email? I’m an avid LI user
    – Do I ask for a 15-min meeting to talk about their work when I’m only a job seeker?
    — EXCEPT I’m a skills base pro bono volunteer (on a popular platform) so I could ‘sell’ a short term, free service.
    – OR do I just focus on the initial chance meeting, make a good impression, and follow-up?
    — AND in the follow-up, will an email get lost in their daily fray? Should I (also) consider a hard mail follow-up (assuming they have an office which might be hit/miss these days)?

    What will leave a good, positive impression considering they might not be hiring – right now- but could in the future (and assuming I’m not off the market soon).

    This is an expensive investment for me so I want to max the cost and time.

    Reply ↓
    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Don’t do cold calls. Do take the time to have a good introduction to yourself put together (not a sales pitch, just a “Hi, I’m Chikn. What do you think of the conference thus far? I’m so glad to be able to connect with folks in our industry since I’ve been holed up in my office doing X since I came here.”
      Then be ready to explain your current position, and what you’re hoping to do next. If you get a good conversation going, you could say “I don’t want to monopolize your time now, but I’d love to stay in contact. We’ve got the attendee contact list — is everything correct there for you? What’s the best way I could reach you.”

      Reply ↓
  70. Justin*

    My new hire started Monday and it’s been great to have a fellow educator on my team finally.

    She’s asking tons of questions, which is great, and also sort of forcing me to examine things I wasn’t able to do by myself.

    We really might be able to get some stuff done and there’s a lot of possibility.

    Things could change, but, I definitely feel like I made the right choice among the final candidates.

    I suppose the question is – how long did it take you to feel like you made a strong hire? I feel so great!

    Reply ↓
  71. slowingaging*

    Randomly for the last month I have been receiving emails(on my work email) to be a consultant from various different email addresses. I am convinced its a con. Is this something new?

    Reply ↓
  72. Meep*

    Mostly want to laugh together.

    I work for a start-up software company that contracts out to a billion-dollar tech company to do consulting work. We are literally vital to the success of one of their products. Recently, we switched from hourly to project-based on their insistence which did mean we could bump our rates 3x after five years of being denied a rate raise.

    One of their experts and senior authority of all things our specialty, Rich, was out sick about two months ago and was hospitalized a couple of times. He is just one out of five we integrate with, but it caused everything to be pushed a month plus behind including getting our SOWs approved. He is stressed out and bogged down and as a result is spiraling a bit including spending tens of thousands of dollars troubleshooting work another contractor is doing using our software in a bid to attempt to not have to pay both of us. He also told his boss that we were behind on fulfilling a SOW. Turns out, he didn’t even open the report we reminded him that we sent him on a weekly basis for two months. Its a mess, but he is trying to work through it, and he is not our actual problem child.

    Cue his boss, Fergus. Fergus denied THREE of our POs two months ago. Two of them he never should’ve and actually resulted two of our contractors still on the old pitifully hourly scheme in getting kicked out of their system for a few days. The third was the one mentioned above. None of them have been resolved to-date despite constant poking on our part. And this week, we added a fourth PO. This one is roughly a third of a million dollars and involves our software licenses. We sent the PO 60 days ago, and we sent out the license 3 days ago when the old one expired. Fergus just informed us the person in charge of software approvals will be gone for two weeks after my boss, Gideon, point blank asked him. Cue cat fight.

    Ok, not really. Fergus then told us to go email one of HIS coworkers so she could approve everything. Yep. That’s right. Owes us close to a million dollars due to his team’s error and wants us and his female coworker who has no control over his team to deal with it on his behalf. Oh, dear reader, it gets a lot more stupid from here.

    Then we moved over to the approval process and getting that electric signature instead of just relying on Rich’s verbal approval in meetings, because see PO #3. (Which btw he has been very apologetic about. Thank you, Rich.) Fergus insisted that it was our responsibility to nag Rich and his team (remember Fergus is the boss here) and essentially manage him, because he couldn’t. Gideon was not pleased and refused.

    Therefore, Fergus got the bright idea to use one of those two contractors from our team to do it. You know, the contractors who he is two months behind on paying making us supplement it and were out of work for almost a week because he didn’t approve the contract in time? Yeah. Those two contractors are now expected to manage Fergus’ team for pennies while Fergus does… well I don’t know at this point what Fergus does but it doesn’t seem like much.

    I swear if it didn’t defy the laws of physics, I would’ve watched Gideon strangle this man through the screen right then and there.

    So yeah, that is how my Friday started at 8 AM sharp.

    Reply ↓
  73. AnonymizedQuestioner*

    Should I tell the recruiter that just emailed me that I worked there…in 1987-88? In the interim I have changed my legal name and that firm has gone through several changes. I was let go when the person I replaced for parental leave decided to come back to work.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      I would be up front about it, especially since it sounds like you were laid off/let go due to redundancy and not fired for cause.

      I’d just recuse myself if I were fired for cause or not eligible for rehire.

      Reply ↓
  74. Melon Merengue*

    I have pet photos on my desk. Three frames in total, two of which have multiple pics in them. 3 out of the 4 animals in these photos have now passed away. Does keeping them make it weird for people who approach my desk?

    Reply ↓

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