{ 111 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

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      1. forever*

        I hope it was good. I went out for a walk with my daughter to a new fancy ice-cream shop, and had an absolutely delicious coffee-toffee swirl. And then the full moon rose over the lake on our way home.

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    6. chocolate muffins*

      I was able to establish care with a PCP after waiting for about a year and he seems lovely. Also got a referral that I needed and the wait to set up care with that doctor was not as long as I had expected. A few months, but I was expecting about a year, so this was better!

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    7. Valancy Stirling*

      I took a trip to a mountain town where I got to see a field of tulips, taste wine in a vineyard, see a few waterfalls, and a functioning replica of a 19th century flour mill. Oh, and a metal dragon that somehow spits fire!

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    8. HBTY*

      My birthday! I’ve often read/heard that grownups shouldn’t care any more, but I have not outgrown it. I was so much in the mood this year that I told whoever I was with in the course of the day that it was my birthday, and they all seemed delighted to wish me a happy birthday, so I think it just adds to universal happiness.

      I don’t mention it in advance bc I don’t want to sound like “I expect a gift or a treat”, but on the day, I really enjoyed getting the smile and the classic response to my remark.

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      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I am not at all of that opinion!

        We only get one of these a year. You never know which is your last, frankly. So having one day where people are glad you exist on the planet and say so is not too much to ask!

        Happiest of birthdays!

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      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        You have inspired me to similarly glorify an ordinary task. (But if it took you an enormous effort to pull together the old electronics, I don’t want to disguise your courage and determination as “ordinary!”)

        Time again to sort
        all my clothes to wash by hand
        or by loud machine.

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    10. Happily Retired*

      Getting running water back after 20 days! (Post-Helene.) Still have to boil it for drinking, etc., but the thrill of flushing a toilet!

      (We were personally very lucky; just loss of power, cell, internet, and water, which are slowly coming back on line. Nothing like the devastation that occurred just a few miles away.)

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    1. Brevity*

      If you’re trying to haiku, you’re missing two syllables. Try this:

      Someone brought puppy
      To the office to visit
      Us, made me happy

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  6. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I started Warrior Girl Unearthed by Angeline Boulley. It’s a sequel to Firekeeper’s Daughter, which I really enjoyed. This one started off well also and the author is really good, but it didn’t work as well for me as the first one did.

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    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Halfway through A Night in the Lonesome October–just added it to the rotation last year but it’s already a favorite. Next might be The Ghost Variations: One Hundred Stories, by Kevin Brockmeier. It’s exactly that–one hundred one page stories, all about a different type of ghost.

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    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m reading Vincent Starrett’s 1929 mystery *Murder on B Deck*. It’s just okay, but I wanted a mystery comfort read. The poor author. The introduction says the fantasy novel Starrett published a year or two earlier, which got good critical reviews and into which he put his heart, sold only 3000 copies, while this mystery, which he knocked off without paying much mind to it, sold more like 20,000 copies.

      Next up, I’ll probably re-read *Lemons Never Lie*, one of the bleakest novels about Alan Grofield from Richard Stark’s (aka Donald E. Westlake’s) spinoff from the Parker series. Not my favorite of those — those would be *The Black Bird* and *The Damsel*, which are jolly adventures with a bit of an edge — but it’s what the bookstore had.

      They also had a Carl Hiaasen that I got. He’s one of the people writing today where I can pick up one of his books and feel like I’ll be okay reading it.

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    3. Mobie's Mom Now*

      Finished The Long March Home by Marcus Brotherton and Tosca Lee, historical fiction about the battle/siege of Bataan during WW II. It was tough. I have read a lot of WWII fiction, but mostly set in England or Germany/Poland, etc. – the European conflict. I hadn’t read much about the Japanese/Asian conflict, so this was horrifying in a new way.

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    4. Atheist Nun*

      I read and enjoyed Wandering Stars by Tommy Orange, and although it was not as fantastic as There There, it was still quite good. In this book, whose events take place before and after the life changing pow wow in There There, the theme is the connection between trauma and addiction.

      There is a quote from the book that sums up what I love about Orange’s writing style: “just the right amount of joy and wonder to make it go beyond tragedy.” His books cover heavy topics about the appalling ways that settler colonists treat(ed) Native Americans, but his facility with language and plot keep things from drifting into tragedy porn.

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    5. Charlotte Lucas*

      Donna Andrews’ Between a Flock and a Hard Place. And finishing up my Dorothy L. Sayers marathon with a collection of short stories.

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    6. Teapot Translator*

      Looking for recommendations of murder mystery classics (let’s say must have been published at least 50 years ago). I’m still in a reading slump, so I decided to read the Miss Marple books in order. I’m now reading The Moving Finger.

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      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Any Dorothy Sayers. For more modern but still older books, Margaret Millar or her husband, Ross Macdonald.

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    7. word nerd*

      I’m really enjoying Do I Know You? by Sadie Dingfelder, recommended here recently. I have below-average facial recognition and visualization ability (possibly aphantasia?), and I’m married to a super recognizer with a vivid visual imagination and excellent navigational skills, so I’ve been him pestering him with various questions this week like “Do you think some of your excellent mental math skills are because you can visualize the numbers in your head?” It’s just fascinating to me how different minds can work so differently from mine.

      I’m disappointed by Louise Erdrich’s latest book The Mighty Red. Maybe I’m at a life stage where teenage angst or a young person figuring out their identity is not really a riveting topic to me currently, plus the very disjointed structure constantly flitting to different POVs every few minutes was annoying. I’ve loved many of her other books, so it was a real letdown!

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    8. chocolate muffins*

      I just finished A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza. It was a bit unfocused in places but overall strong and the ending was one of the most powerful things I have ever read. I am somewhat surprised that Sarah Jessica Parker played such a large role in publishing it, though perhaps I shouldn’t be – I know that actors are different people from the characters they play but this doesn’t seem like a book that Carrie Bradshaw would pay attention to at all.

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    9. Valancy Stirling*

      I’m enjoying When the Crow’s Away by Auralee Wallace and A Brief History of the Celts by Peter Berresford Ellis. The former is the second installment of a series about a witch who can speak to ghosts and solve their murders.

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    10. acmx*

      I just finished and enjoyed Lula Dean’s Little Library of banned Books by Kristen Miller (who wrote The Change, also great).

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  7. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve continued with Stardew Valley this week. Once again I’m close to finishing the community center, and I hope I’ll get the last few items soon.

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    1. Florence Reece*

      Yay for the SDV progress!

      I’ve been playing BG3 again. I’ve started a few runs, but never gotten officially into Act 2 because life has caused some extended no-games periods. I’m finally in a place where I can play a few nights a week, so I started a new run (on the regular difficulty instead of easy, too, yay me) and it’s been soooo fun.

      I’m playing a Githyanki bard and the combo of unique dialogue choices between those has been great even as a replay. The roleplay aspect of being a Gith has pushed me towards choices I wouldn’t have made previously, too. And although combat is noticeably more challenging, that’s been easy to adapt to…and I’ve been way more successful than any run before. I’m about to hit the Shadowlands and I’ve got 4.5k gold and my entire party geared up. I’m sure I’ll struggle in Act 2 without the foresight I have for Act 1, but I feel prepared and excited to do it! It’s a nice feeling at the end of a long week.

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  8. Fives*

    I’m in perimenopause and keep having spells of really sensitive skin. Right now the seams on my socks are bothering me. Does anyone have a recommendation for seamless socks?

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    2. Peanut Hamper*

      If you can’t find any, you might try some athletic prewrap and see if that helps to prevent chafing. It’s the stuff that goes under athletic tape when you’re taping up joints so that the tape doesn’t stick to your skin.

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      1. Cedrus Libani*

        Also if you can’t find any…I have sensory issues, so I wear normal socks inside out (seams out) and that’s good enough for me.

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        1. Lala*

          orthofeet has diabetic socks, but they do have seams…I don’t really understand this, but nevertheless…

          Anyway, supposedly they are very comfortable. though the customer service is pretty bad.

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        2. voluptuousfire*

          @Fives…for diabetic socks, try the dollar store.

          My dad needed diabetic socks and Dollar Tree would have them. It was hit and miss with availabillity, but for $1.25, he loved them.

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    4. forever*

      my very bad take on this is: wait for menopause (hot flashes), you won’t need socks anymore!
      Note: did you know menopause symptoms can last over a decade? (I’m not quite at a decade yet, but I won’t be surprised if my symptoms last > 1 decade)

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      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Your comment reminds me of the time that I waited excitedly to become farsighted in middle age (as in, “I need glasses because my arms are now too short to hold my reading material sufficiently far out in front of my eyes”). I half-believed that this transformation would briefly restore perfection vision for my nearsighted eyes! Alas. I simply ended up getting transitional glasses (bi-focals or tri-focals, but without any visible horizontal lines between the different magnifications).

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  9. Literally a Cat*

    How do you apologise to your cat after accidentally stomping onto his paw? Cat is not injured, and cannot have treata due to special diet. Asking for a human.

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    1. Dark Macadamia*

      “Noooo please don’t hate me it was an accident you’re my babyyyy” and then pick him up and cuddle him a bunch while he struggles to escape

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        1. RLC*

          Nesting fail-this was this week’s fun thing!

          Apologizing to cat-add “I’m so sorry to hurt my baby kitty love you so so much”

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    2. peter b*

      I tend to immediately go for very soft petting and apologizing in my most baby good boy voice. Obvviously he doesn’t understand English but lavishing gentkle attention seems to soothe my boy (who is sleeping on my right wrist rn, so sorry for typos lol).

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    3. Literally a Cat*

      Update: after extensive grovelling, cat acknowledged the mistake was accidental, went from cautious to fully trusting again.

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  10. Undine Spragg*

    What do you do about leaving sensitive information for your executor when you die or are incapacitated? I’d like to leave a list of key passwords (email, phone, password manager), bank account numbers, and other such information for easy access when needed, but I don’t want access wide open until something happens. Preferably electronic — my executor and I are 3000 miles apart and there’s no reason for them to rush out to where I am if I am dead. Any ideas?

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    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m going to take this opportunity to sing the praise of this guide that my sister and I have been sending around to everyone we know. My mom filled this out and it’s been hugely helpful to me and my sister in dealing with her estate:
      https://www.narfe.net/site/Chapter86/files/fullName10201.pdf

      It’s designed for federal employees so it has some sections on federal benefits but anyone without federal employment can just skip those parts. It covers everything your executor will need to know, except for passwords. Everyone, make your parents fill this out and fill it out yourself.

      My mom left all her passwords in a password-protected Excel document (and then gave us the password to it ahead of time, obviously), which is the low-tech way to do it. But if you use a password program like Bit Warden, you can designate someone to have access once you die. Once you die, they submit their emergency access request and it notifies you. If you don’t respond within X days (you decide what X is), they assume you are really dead and give the person access. (They can only do that if you approved the person ahead of time, so it’s not like any random person could ask for access and just wait X days.)

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      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Other lessons from my CPA mother who left the most organized estate possible: set up official beneficiaries for all your accounts and/or make them “payable on death” to specific people. That keeps those assets out of probate and makes settling the estate much faster. She even did “payable on death” with stuff like her car title.

        I’m going to have to start a site called Ask an Executor because I am learning tons. It will be the most depressing blog ever but upsettingly useful.

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        1. Undine Spragg*

          I have beneficiaries on my accounts, except for an account in a living trust, so I’m not really worried about probate. And if I’m incapacitated, I have POA on one of the other accounts, so it should be possible to get money to take care of me immediately while the other money is being sorted out. (When my mother suffered a traumatic brain injury, I learned a generic Power of Attorney is basically useless, banks insist on their own from, which it was not possible for my mother to go in and sign.) I’m just worried about the endless hassle of tracking down accounts and bills, getting into my email, things like that. The Bit Warden survivor function is probably the thing I need. I can put my phone code in there.

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        2. Generic Name*

          Has everything gone smoothly? I’ve been a witness to the disposition of 3 estates, and I’ve learned that lots of people think they’re leaving stuff “in really good shape” but it still turns out to be a shit show. I’ve also learned that courts basically put estate stuff at the bottom of the list in terms of importance because…..well, not to be crass, but the person is already dead, and it’s “just money”. I’d be willing to contribute stories or just comments in such a blog. I’ve seen everything from my uncle’s deceased partner’s niblings suing the estate to my granny writing “surprise me!!” on her church’s “special instructions” worksheet for her funeral service wishes.

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          1. Firebird*

            My dad told me to mail his body to the dead letter office somewhere interesting. I told him if he put it in writing then I would do it. Apparently, I am a buzz kill, because he can’t wind me up like he does to the rest of the family.

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            1. Generic Name*

              Omg, to funny. My parents are in their mid-70s, so we’ve been talking about end of life care etc. my dad said sort of joking but maybe really not that he didn’t want to have to make any decisions and just wanted someone else to do all the work. I looked at him and said deadpan, “can I get that in writing?” Fortunately he laughed. :)

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              1. Firebird*

                I told him that I needed it in writing so my sisters wouldn’t yell at me. I think that made him believe that I would actually do it. He never mentioned it again.

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        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I wish I’d had access to it before my dad passed–if you can include “how to make sure your parent is cognizant before signing anything” it would be priceless.

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    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband and I each keep in our files an envelope with our personal stuff like that (including our computer/phone/tablet passwords and access to our individual password managers, not an actual paper list of passwords), sealed with our signatures across the seal flap, labeled “Open in case of freak umbrella accident.” Then once a year (or whenever we have reason) we have a “Review the Umbrella Contingency” appointment on our shared calendar where we sit down together and each of us opens our own envelope, updates the contents as necessary, and we ceremoniously reseal them together, re-sign them and put them back in the files. If we were to both die at the same time, our wills (which are currently informal and halfass, and we need to do better) are in the same file and the umbrella documents would go to the executors as well, along with our laptops.

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      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        We were advised to keep copies of our wills and important info in our freezer, as apparently it’s one of the last things that will burn in a house fire (a bit grim, but practical). I also feels it’s good in terms of break-ins, etc!

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  11. confused by fashion*

    How long are women’s (professional) pants supposed to be? I’m refreshing my wardrobe and have gone down a deep rabbit hole of fashion trend websites. The consensus that I’ve found on these websites was that for flare pants with heels, the hem should be about 0.5″ from the ground, but just looking at those photos makes me think that’s way too long. Thoughts?

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    1. Generic Name*

      Women’s fashions have changed drastically in the last few years. Ankle length pants are considered more fashionable, even for flared leg pants.

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  12. Peanut Hamper*

    In line with the “when terrible work systems become sacred” thread earlier this week, I’m wondering what “sacred” holiday traditions you’ve been able to let go of that actually made life easier.

    My mother still insists on a Thanksgiving meal, but for Christmas last year she recommended we just do appetizers. There are very few of us and no children, so just putting together a cheese tray, crackers, olives, and a few meats was super easy and satisfying and made the holiday that much more enjoyable, because there was less work and less stress for everybody.

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    1. forever*

      we’re a small family of 3. I gave up on turkey when the kid was young because: I did all the cooking, and then no one “helped” to clean up. Since then Christmas has been homemade pizza (because that’s my favourite meal. No one “helps” cooking), and I convinced the kid it was proper Christmas traditions because it was red, white and green (tomato sauce, cheese, basil).

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      1. Literally a Cat*

        NGL it’s infuriating when people just expect big holiday meals from one person’s labour year after year. This is from me, someone who really enjoy making big meals for 10 people and too territorial to allow help: it’s only ok if the cook explicitly stated no help wanted.

        Good for you!

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    2. Literally a Cat*

      It’s ok to not get plastered for Lunar New Year in the big family gathering, then set firecrackers on fire while intoxicated.

      Retrospectively I’m glad my family still have 5 digits per hand per person, somehow.

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      1. AcademiaNut*

        I’ve found the firecrackers have calmed way down over the past 15 years – the New Year’s holiday is a lot quieter and less smokey than it used to be.

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    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband and I agreed earlier this year that Christmas shopping is a struggle for both of us – we see something in like August that we want to get for the other, and either we don’t buy it and subsequently forget about it later, or we do buy it and … subsequently forget about it later. :-P so we agreed that going forth we won’t do specific Christmas presents, we’ll just give each other stuff that catches our eyes year round, and just do stockings (snacks and small trinkets) at actual Christmas time.

      I also stopped doing thanksgiving dinner.

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    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Going out on NYE. Husband and I used to dress up and try to do something, and back in my single days I’d actually buy a fancy dress and go to friends’ parties. But honestly, it was never that fun for me and now we’ve even downsized from a bottle of Champagne to a split–one glass each, watch the fireworks on TV, hit the hay.

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    5. Aphrodite*

      Quite a few actually.

      (1) No presents. I don’t want any, won’t accept any, and won’t give any. Not to anyone, not for any reason. How much more wonderful life because when Christmas lost all that debt and stress years ago. Those who didn’t like my decision live with it.

      (2) No floor-sized tree (meaning anything over about two feet). No real trees anymore became my mantra when my local tree farm closed and sold the property and I refused to buy pre-cut trees.

      (3) No ornaments anywhere, not even in bowls with pinecones / bells / whatevers.

      (4) No falling for holiday crafts. I adore reading the articles, watching the videos and even exclaiming over them at holiday fars. But buying them? Nope.

      (5) Following #4, several years ago I began to really de-clutter my holiday (autumn and Christmas) decorations. I still have three plastic bins of items for each holiday and it never fails to amaze me how easy and fast putting it up and even taking it down is. I also love the look of my home. It’s more decorated during the last three months of the year than in the other nine months but not by THAT much.

      (6) Much scaled down Thanksgiving dinner. I love turkey so I buy some slices from Gelson’s freshly roasted turkey, Whole Foods gravy, make my own cranberry sauce, buy some fresh-baked soft dinner rolls, make dressing and buy a pumpkin pie. So much easier and less expensive plus I still get to have “the” dinner.

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    6. Harlowe*

      We quit doing gifts two years ago and I cannot overemphasize the weight that fell off my shoulders. My family is full of sour workaholic men with no hobbies/interests who find fault with everything. Shopping was a month of frantic stress knowing that however thoughtful I was, they would tear open the boxes, grunt a halfhearted thanks, and then return or ignore the items. I am thrilled to just gather for food and that’s it. I wish we’d done this decades ago.

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    7. Owlette*

      I have fully embraced meal box Christmas dinner. I did it the first year and it was way better tasting and less effort than anything I could do.

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  13. Not your typical admin*

    Just had to share my happy day. Oldest (teen) daughter had her first date with the guy she’s had a crush on for a while. He picked her up this morning, they went to Starbucks and to a park to go on a walk. Watching her be so excited getting ready, then hearing her on the phone with her best friend afterwards brought back memories of my own first dates when I was that age

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  14. SADFighter*

    What are your best tips for staying engaged and energized during dark fall and winter evenings? Trying to fight off seasonal depression more proactively this year!

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    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Vitamin D made a huge impact on my SAD when I lived in Seattle and went weeks at a time without seeing the sun.

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        1. Where's the sun?*

          Different Vitamin D user, but I also take it for my SAD. I take 5000 IU a day which is a LOT but my doctor recommended it along with an increase in my SSRI. I tried the SAD lamp many times but it just increases my anxiety. Others tell me they like it.

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        2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

          I’m not Red Reader, but I live on the Pacific Northwest and in the winter I take 2000 IU a day (a double dose) on the advice of my doctor.

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        3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          5000 in winter, 2000 in summer. (If it was still summer gloomy, I’d double the 2000 every other day.)

          I’m pretty sure this is also what made me a morning person. I used to struggle with getting up in the morning but once I started with the VitD, no issues at all, even if I’m getting up in the dark.

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    2. Owlette*

      I changed my work hours over winter when I lived somewhere with short day light hours – I chose to start later so I walked the doggo in the morning sun (instead of having darkness at both ends of the day), then getting home later meant that there was less time to sit around in the evening pondering the dark – too busy doing dinner. I also started doing more elaborate dinners as the kitchen was cozy.

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  15. cooking with tofu*

    I’m just starting to cook with tofu. Would love to see your favorite ways to cook it or use it in recipes.

    I also have a specific question about tofu. I’ve been making a recipe where extra-firm tofu cubes are pressed, baked, and then combined with other stuff. I know the idea of pressing the tofu is to remove as much water as possible, but I find it awkward and time-consuming to do. I would love to skip that step and maybe bake it longer. Would that work fairly well or would the dish really lose something essential? I wonder about that both in this dish, and whenever you’re supposed to press tofu before cooking it.

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    1. tofu eater*

      I always just squeeze out the water with my hands as gently as possible and then go for it! I’ve never found it needed more time baking or sautéing. I’m a tofu rebel.

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    2. Might Be Spam*

      I was just reading about how to dehydrate tofu to make tofu jerky. They suggested freezing extra firm tofu for at least 12 hours and letting it drain while defrosting it. Freezing is supposed to open the air pockets and make it easier to drain. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sounds like it could work.

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      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Come to think of it, I need to do laundry also. Insert the eye-rolling emoji. I have come to loathe with the fire of a thousand suns the experience of using the communal laundry room in my apartment building. I keep trying to overcome my aversion by reframing it as an exercise in accepting the unchangeable. So far, not much success. Oh well…at least I am able to persuade myself that no matter how grim the hallway, or gross the laundry room (fellow tenants tend to throw their lint and dryer sheets on the floor not in the trash), at least I can do the task using modern machinery, not pounding the clothing on rocks in a river, and in a country that is not being torn apart by enemy bombs or civil war. Sorry to be so gloomy! I promise that other parts of my life are quite satisfactory.

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    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Can’t do this until Monday, but booking an appointment with our H&R Block guy for inheritance tax advice. Also, getting more potting soil.

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    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Finish unpacking, in the sense of reviewing and re-stocking my toiletries bag, and wiping down the outside of my luggage. I was convinced to do this after reading an article in the Washington Post which emphasized how filthy the world is, with emphasis on grubby sidewalks, grimy airports, and the unspeakable floors of airport bathrooms.

      I retain sufficient shreds of my proper upbringing to refrain from providing additional details, but Yuck. Insert the sick-to-its-stomach emoji.

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  17. Firebird*

    I need to declutter the spare room, so I have a place to put the stuff that needs to come out of my bedroom. Today I realized that I can put bed linens and extra towels in some empty suitcases that are taking up a lot of room. Hopefully they won’t be too heavy to put back up on the closet shelf.

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  18. Harlowe*

    Is there an app or program that will search obituary/newspaper sites for keywords (i.e., names) and send an alert when there’s a hit? I tried to customize a G00gle alert, but it did not pick up the info until way too late (I guess until it was crawled/cached?).

    Reply ↓

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