my abusive father is a beloved public figure — and we have to attend an event together

by Alison Green on October 9, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m estranged from my father, who was a truly terrible emotional abuser — maybe physical too, if you consider “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” child endangerment. We haven’t spoken in years. However, he is a beloved public figure — real national treasure, strangers recognize him on the street.

I get a lot of people, including my coworkers or industry contacts, coming up to me, delighted, wanting to send him regards. Many have some kind of connection to him from years ago.

Once I tried saying “actually, we’re estranged” and I may as well have thrown ice water over the lady. It’s a lot to drop on an unsuspecting fan. But I find it infuriating that when I quickly change the subject, I am coming across as cold and blunt. Feels like my reputation takes an unfair hit no matter what I say.

Here’s the real problem. What should I do about the huge upcoming awards evening where, irony upon irony, we are BOTH finalists (in different categories)? The organizers and media will love the “look, father and son!” angle, mention it on stage, want to take a pic, etc.

I refuse to take a picture or share a table with him. But emailing the organizers may frame me as the drama-stirrer attacking a famous man’s spotless reputation. I suppose I could miss the event. But why should I have to? This is all so unfair. Any suggestions?

I’m so sorry, what an awful situation. It’s bad enough to have an abusive family member; it adds a whole additional layer of trauma when the world loves the person, doesn’t see who they really are, and thinks you’re incredibly lucky to be associated with them.

The onus is not on you to find a way to make this comfortable for other people. You should do what you’re most comfortable with, which means that you don’t need to hide who your father is if you’d prefer not to. But if it’s most comfortable for you to keep things low-key, one line you could try in social situations is “We’re not close.” Or, “We’ve never been close.” That says quite a bit without going all the way to “we’re estranged.”

For the upcoming awards event: Would you be comfortable contacting the organizers and saying, “My father and I aren’t close and I would like to sit at a different table from him”? You could also say, “I’m requesting that you not plan any joint photos” if you’re concerned about that. In fact, if you have an agent or other rep, this is something they can and should handle for you, and can probably do it with a reasonable amount of delicacy.

I wonder too, if you can bring a guest who will run interference for you — someone who will keep an eye on where your father is and steer you away from him if needed and so forth. You should also decide ahead of time how you’ll respond if you’re asked to do a joint photo so that you’re not having to come up with a response on the fly. One option is a brisk, “No thanks!” You don’t need to explain why, and if people draw their own conclusions, so be it.

None of this should come across as you being a drama-stirrer trying to besmirch a famous man’s reputation. You’ll just be calmly and non-dramatically conveying your boundaries without any commentary on him.

I think you’re worried that there’s no way to maintain these boundaries without revealing your feelings about your father; you feel like the requests themselves will reveal all, because of what you know they’re rooted in. But remember that families are complicated in so many different ways, and a much less fraught situation could lead to someone making these requests too.

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  1. Birb*

    I have no advice, but as someone who is also estranged from a very well respected parent (on local billboards) this is my worst nightmare. OP, I feel for you.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      Same. “Oooh! Your mother is such a warm, caring wonderful person! You are SO incredibly lucky she’s your mother!!” Gush gush.
      Yeah. Not so much.

    2. DeskApple*

      Same, my dad was a very prominent member of our religious community and I would run into people all over the world who adored him. I guess OP can’t get the vindication of watching him excommunicated that I got but the one thing that helped in situations where we had to be together was to find or bring an ally who knew who he really was. I can’t emphasize the power of having even having a single person who believes you. It was my secret weapon and we would use code words and signals in lieu of eye rolls to vent to each other throughout.

      1. Azure Jane Lunatic*

        When the wife of one of my dad’s old co-workers said “there wasn’t a mean bone in his body” at his (online, thick of Covid) memorial, my aunt, sister, and I made eye contact over Zoom. It was extremely affirming.

    3. Alicent*

      Oh yes, on a recent family vacation a woman in our travel group told me how happy my parents are and aren’t I lucky. I don’t even know what expression I made, but I’m sure it was unhinged because just an hour before my father was berating my mother over something she had nothing to do with. Very happy indeed.

      1. Van Wilder*

        Telling you that you’re lucky your parents are happy strikes me as very weird. Unless you’re like 12 and all your friends’ parents are getting divorced right now?

    4. Name (Required)*

      Sometimes the most charismatic people are secretly terrible. Estranged from my father for 15 years and can relate. Solidarity!

    5. Synaptically Unique*

      When my mother died, one of my siblings posted about it on social media. One of my kids read through some of the responses – all crap about heaven gaining another angel and what a huge loss to the community – and said, “have any of these people ever MET Grandma?” Indeed.

    6. Fishsticks*

      Although it is in no way the same situation, my mother had a similar feeling when it came to my paternal grandmother. She was a devoted and loving mother, a wonderful wife, a strong pillar of the community, a constant volunteer for any number of a dozen causes, worked as our town librarian for twenty years just “to help out” while also helping support my family’s farm, my favorite grandmother and someone I loved who adored me in return…

      She was also needlessly cruel to my mother and my aunt, and treated the “in-laws” noticeably worse than her own children, except for my uncle, who was a Man and therefore not subject to my grandmother’s weird sense of being in competition with her own sons’ wives. I didn’t see it as a child, but I can see it looking back, and I believe her when she talks about it.

      My mother has talked before about how strange it can feel to hear all these wonderful things from others and sort of think, “I wish she had been the kind of mother-in-law to me that she was grandmother to you.” Mom has said it feels like everyone else is living in a different reality where a different version of my grandma exists, and she keeps feeling like she has no idea who these people must be talking about.

      1. Ally McBeal*

        Yep, that’s how my mom felt about my paternal grandparents. They never approved of her from the very beginning because she was a divorcee, they were so religious that they disallowed dancing and any alcohol (including champagne toast) from her wedding, etc etc. But my grandma saw that my mother was overbearing and controlling of me, so she made sure to create a safe haven for me when I visited, and when I became an adult I was able to talk openly with her about my frustrations with my mom. Recently I made a very careful reference to those conversations when talking with my mom about her controlling behavior, and my mom scoffed and pointed out that my grandma had been extremely strict with her own daughters (my aunts) and had no business judging my mom for being controlling.

        Family relationships, especially when in-laws are involved, are SO weird.

    7. The OG Sleepless*

      Not nearly as extreme as the LW, but my late FIL was a grouchy, unpleasant, deliberately contentious person who was at least somewhat abusive to his kids and pulled some really nasty stunts the last year or two of his life. At his funeral, I was surprised to see a number of his neighbors and fellow church members enthusiastically greeting the family and telling us what a great guy he was and how he would be missed. It was like they were talking about a stranger. Even worse is one of my BILs, who worked with him as an adult and got the brunt of his nastiness for decades. The Stockholm syndrome is strong with that one, and to this day he talks about what a great dad FIL was and how much he misses him. I can never think of any response beyond an insincere smile and a subject change.

  2. Artemesia*

    my concern would be that doing this too soon would mean the OP is not considered for the award. Can he wait until he is informed he will have the award or is that not announced until the event.

    1. goofball*

      I don’t follow your logic. Why would requesting a different table put the LW’s award in jeopardy?

      1. Ellis Bell*

        The point of it might have been to make a father son highlight, or to please OPs father. Hopefully OP has a well regulated ethical industry.

      2. Artemesia*

        Seriously? Father is a BFD. Pleasing him; making the father son show perhaps, may be the actual focus of honoring him. If they think the OP is likely to make a scene or not cooperate in the PR or just be difficult, they might well avoid the unpleasantness by choosing someone else from the award.

        It isn’t clear if he is already the winner, but I thought a finalist to be announced — plenty of time to change the winner.

        1. Ellie*

          Would OP really want to go through with the award though, if that was the reason? Better to find that out now I think.

    3. Yadah*

      It’s unlikely that the person dealing with seating arrangements and press inquiries has that much sway over the jury/selection committee.
      And if the event is soon enough for OP to be worried about this the winners have probably already been selected.

      1. NotBatman*

        I think it really does depend on the industry. If it’s a well-established national org or guild (see: the APA), then the awards should be chosen and OP should be fine. If OP’s sense of the industry is instead that it’s catty, secretive, cliquey, and vengeful (see: fiction publishing) then he might need to factor that into his planning process.

        1. Lenora Rose*

          Even fiction publishing doesn’t let mild background requests to accommodate family estrangement affect who’s chosen for the awards.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Yeah, when I’ve worked on awards events we didn’t tell attendees if they were going to win beforehand, and we wouldn’t make a decision on who was getting the award based on who was showing up (although we would strongly encourage the winners to be there!). And sometimes even when the person has said they’ll show they might not, because life got in the way. So as long as OP is polite about it, I highly doubt that declining to attend (or asking not to sit/be photographed with their father if they do) is going to affect their chances.

    5. Hobbit*

      It’s entirely possible the people who choose the winner and the people who plan the event have very little to do with each other.

  3. Snarkus Aurelius*

    Here’s what I say when someone compliments my mom:

    “How nice. I had a different experience knowing her.”

    Or if I really don’t care:

    “I wish I could say I had a similar experience knowing her as you did.”

    Then I shrug.

    Other people’s feelings about my mom aren’t my responsibility to manage. Although I’m not going to blab the specifics of her abuse, I have no obligation to agree or reinforce the sunny reputation she has either.

    You already protected yourself once with estrangement. Don’t second guess yourself by falsely thinking you’re stirring up drama with self-preservation.

    I guarantee you, your dad doesn’t give a crap if people think he’s stirring up drama with you.

    1. Mentally Spicy*

      My dad and I were not close. He wasn’t at all abusive but just quiet and cold. Somewhat unemotional. Never said “I love you.”

      (In the years since he died both my son and I have been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. I now believe my dad was too. Knowing this puts a lot of stuff into perspective.)

      I remember at his funeral old work colleagues of his coming to me and saying how funny he was, how he kept them laughing all day. They loved him! All I could think was “wow, I really wish I’d known the man they were talking about”.

      1. Anon4this*

        My biological father is still alive – we are not estranged, and *he* might even think we’re close, but I frequently wish I knew the man his friends know. My mother and 3 stepmothers must have at least met that man at some point, but I’m the only one who has been stuck with the *real* him for 55 years.

      2. Distracted Librarian*

        “I really wish I’d known the man they were talking about” seems like a great line to use in these circumstances. It says a lot without introducing extra drama.

        1. Jellyfish Catcher*

          Great suggestions here!
          In awkward or stressful settings, I do my best to go Neutral and Pleasant.
          It’s neutral replies, neutral facial expressions and no substantial info to keep the conversation going.
          Examples: “thank you for your comments,” “yes, it’s been an interesting evening,”

          If I want to communicate, eye rolls, eyebrow raising or shaking my head can indicate my opinion without saying anything quotable or argumentative.

      3. Ally McBeal*

        My grandfather was apparently like this. He died when I was little, and my parents always described him as strict and not particularly emotionally available. A couple years I stumbled across a “Remembering John Smith” doc that my uncle put together, compiling comments from the many groups of people he knew over the years (the family moved every 4-5 years due to grandpa’s job) and he appears to be a totally different person. Outgoing, generous, funny… it was very strange.

        Related… fortunately, most people who know my mother understand why her children are estranged from her, so I don’t get questions like this anymore.

      4. SimonTheGreyWarden*

        I felt this way about my maternal grandmother at her funeral. I wish she’d been the grandma to me that she’d apparently been to the kids at her church.

        1. UKDancer*

          Some people also do better in some capacities and relationships than others. My grandmother was a terrible mother, unsupportive, narcissistic and not interested in any of her 3 sons. She was a great grandmother to her granddaughters who took me shopping, taught me how to paint my nails and make martinis and was fun to be with albeit very superficial.

          That didn’t make up for her lack of maternal instinct but my experience of her and my father’s experience are different but both can be true.

          1. allathian*

            Yes, I have a similar experience. My paternal grandmother was a great granny, but not so great as a parent. Granted, my dad was born in the 1940s when the standards of parenting were quite different than they are today, but the way my dad tells it he was never really allowed to be a child. He was always expected to be on his best behavior, and she’d punish him by ignoring him so completely he thought she was pretending he didn’t exist if he threw a tantrum or showed any negative emotions in public. At the same time, she infantilized him well into his 40s. Once she asked him one November or October if he’d started using long johns yet. I was a mouthy teen and rolled my eyes at her and said something like “He’s 4x years old, don’t you think he knows when he needs to switch to long johns by now?” She got the point.

            Maybe the clothes policing ensured that my parents never made that mistake, I was fully free to choose my clothes by the time the long johns incident happened. I guess my taste was conservative enough for their liking, and if I wore a thinner coat than they did, they realized that just because mom or dad is freezing doesn’t mean the teen is freezing, too. I’m trying to do the same for my son. And I learned that when I insist on not wearing enough clothes, I’ll feel the cold.

            At the same time, my paternal granny’s the grandparent I was closest to. I didn’t have any extracurriculars in junior high, and because we lived in the same apartment complex, I and my sister often went to her place after school while our parents were still at work. My parents didn’t have a TV at the time, so we’d watch family friendly shows like MacGyver together, do jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, etc. while we talked. She taught me to knit and crochet.

            My dad told me once that the best decision his mom ever made on his behalf was to bring books to the hospital when he was four, and parental visiting hours were limited to one hour *per week* and he was in for more than a month. When he was allowed to go home, he could read.

            1. TeaCoziesRUs*

              OT, but since you’re trying to keep out of kids’ clothing choices, this is what has worked for us. I don’t know what she your kids are, but mine are 10 & 12. This was an easy area for me to set up some natural boundaries and guardrails, then allow them total freedom within those boundaries. When they were little, what was in their dressers was only seasonally appropriate. The off-season or too big clothing were in bins in the garage that got washed when we swapped clothes out. They picked out which shirt & bottoms, or dress & shorts, etc., underwear, socks, shoes from about 18 months. Around 5, I mixed their summer and winter clothes so they had their full wardrobe available. They’d ask me the weather for the next day so they knew what to put on, since we were living in a place that could easily have all 4 seasons in one day. :) Since 10, they’ve been in charge of their clothing. I’ll make sure they have enough uniform stuff and still typically buy them clothes because I’ll shop online sales rather than the mall, but they can reject any choices I’ve made in purchasing and I’ll return them. That gives me budget control while giving them lots of selections I know will please them, from which they can pick the 5 shirts or 3 shorts or whatever they needed. Now that I’m into sewing, I’ll pick up a fabric that calls to me for them and ask what they’d like me to make with it. :) Yes, they VERY OFTEN look like they dress themselves, but they feel confident and happy in their multi-patterned, mismatched outfits. I joke that one kid isn’t happy unless she looks like a rainbow puked on her. :D

          2. N C Kiddle*

            My mum is sufficiently unpleasant that she’s alienated two of her siblings (a third stays in touch out of pity), three of her children (the fourth is disabled and somewhat dependent on her), and my daughter, her only grandchild, regards her with a blend of amusement, irritation, and pity. Still didn’t make it any easier when said daughter was younger and I had to explain to professionals that no, granny is not a viable childcare option

            1. Princess Sparklepony*

              Not the same but I have a sister who is not quite a font of warmth. She’s ok but she’s busy and not nurturing.

              I was ill and the hospital was Oh, you have a sister in town, she can help with your care. I had to tell them that it was very very unlikely.

              She was good for some things – she watered my plants and rolled up my rugs so I could move around in a wheelchair. But helping an ill person, not going to happen.

              But she is my medical decision maker because I know she will have no problem pulling the plug.

        3. K*

          It is WILD talking to people who know my dad professionally “he’s so calm and grounded!” Not at home, he isn’t.
          I’m in the same field as him and it’s depleting but I try really hard to not turn into Mr Hyde on my kids when I get home. Never underestimate the power of a bad example!

      6. The Uncool Mom*

        Oof this comment hit home for me. My brother has always been cold and distant and had zero interest in getting to know his niece and nephew. He’s also repeatedly let my parents down. But when we meet his friends and community the way they talk about him it’s like hearing about a completely different person, a person I’d like to meet.

      7. Nebula*

        My dad is an incredibly anxious and tense person – definitely where I get it from – but once when I was out with him, we ran into someone he knew from work, and he changed into a totally different person. He was calm and relaxed and breezy. This person even said in the course of conversation that he was ‘unflappable as ever’. My dad is all flap! It was actually kind of a disconcerting experience, seeing this vast gap between how I saw him and how his colleague saw him.

    2. ferrina*

      All of this.

      Thankfully neither of my parents are public figures, but when people talk about how lovely my parents are, it gets awkward. And I refuse to own that awkwardness- I already have the cPTSD from my childhood, and that’s more than enough baggage. Someone else gets to deal with the awkwardness of “but my hero isn’t as wonderful as I thought they were!” and “but faaaaaaamily”

      1. Worldwalker*

        Same here. Everyone loves my mother — she’s charming, friendly, etc. They don’t know the reasons why we can only get along if our contact is limited to a single weekly phone call. And they’re not going to. But indeed, how I wish I knew — and had grown up with — the person they know.

        1. sagewhiz*

          Oh, how I relate to your mother! I keep mine to the weekly check-in phone call too.

          And my dad, who was highly regarded by his clients, was another story…that I discovered when putting together a memory book for their 50th anniversary. So many cousins wrote stories of his patience in teaching them things. Yet for my brothers and I? We were verbally and emotionally abused at every turn, could never do anything right, received no patience at all. My youngest brother seriously contemplated suicide while in college, and when he died of an illness at 29 I often wondered if he did it to escape Dad’s constant judgement. My other brother, one of the most wonderful and compassionate people on earth, is a functional alcoholic because of the abuse. Without all the therapy I went through, I would not have built my successful career (which Dad did not approve of) or broken the legacy of dysfunction in raising my son.

          Also had a stellar teacher in high school who encouraged me as a writer. Years ago I wanted to send her a thank you letter, found her daughter, whom I’d been acquainted with, and learned her mother had died. And also learned that Teach had not only lied to us in class when she said she’d had a son who died after birth but was a truly wicked woman behind the closed doors of their home.

          Know that you, and so many of us, are not alone. That hurting child remains within us all, and we need to give that child compassion. If we’d known the person the public sees, our lives would be so different. We just have to use it to make us stronger, not break us.

          2. knitcrazybooknut*

            My mother was a teacher. When I was in seventh grade and being bullied and tormented daily by my classmates (and her), she befriended a seventh grade girl she was teaching who needed support, and helped her acclimate to the new school. At a reunion twenty years later, that girl approached me and told me how much that meant to her, that my mother had supported and coached and comforted her when she needed it the most. I was legitimately glad that the girl got the help she needed, but the cognitive dissonance was stunning. It always amazes me how kind and compassionate these folks can be when people can see them doing it, and how horrible they can be behind closed doors.

            1. NurseThis*

              I found my people! My parents both died before I was 15. My greater family has elevated them to sainthood. I can’t say anything about my lived experience without getting verbally slapped with how amazing they were. It has definitely factored into my decision to move away from my hometown.

              1. knitcrazybooknut*

                There’s a reason I haven’t talked to my family of origin for almost eleven years. Oh wait, many reasons!

            2. Estranged_Geologist*

              Oh wow. This describes my parents perfectly! My entire family thinks they’re awesome and listens to every word they say — which my mother weaponized to turn me into a compulsive attention seeking liar.

              I have CPTSD and several chronic illnesses, one of which is a genetic disorder that was obvious IN childhood. But no, Estranged_Geologist is just a liar and isn’t really disabled. My cane is for show, as are the braces /s.

              1. knitcrazybooknut*

                We could talk lack of medical care for days for sure. I never knew that walking wasn’t supposed to hurt until I was 45 and got a podiatrist to treat my ingrown toenails for the first time. Wow.

        2. raktajino*

          > how I wish I knew — and had grown up with — the person they know.

          This. When my grandfather died, everyone was so effusive about who they thought was a funny, kindhearted guy. I just knew a grumpy drunk.

          Sometimes I think people put a positive spin on memories for a whole slew of reasons. Other times, people genuinely had a different perspective because they saw the departed in a different context.

          Anyway, my go-to is just “thanks” or “I’m glad you appreciated xyz” and to change the subject. I don’t need the other person to know my experience, I just want the interaction to be over with.

    4. Falling Acorns*

      I like this approach. I have a friend that is no longer a friend. She was recently promoted and people keep trying to tell me how great she is. Your proposed words tell the speaker that their view of the person might be correct from their frame of reference, but reminding them that not everyone has the same story without giving details.

    5. Zahra*

      Those scripts and “We’re not close anymore/never been that close” can easily be read as “being the child of a public figure isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be”. Be it overly high expectations for a child/teen/young adult, them being absent from daily life (never came to any baseball game, for example), them being an asshole of various descriptions (from being overly condescending up to being an abuser)…

      It’s generic enough that people won’t be able to discern at a first glance which of those it is. But using the argument of wanting to keep achievements separate and not leaning on the family connection as some argued below might even be a better idea to side-step the whole thing, so I’d try that first.

    6. LunaLena*

      This reminds me of when someone asked Hayao Miyazaki’s son about him. The son said something like “I give him top marks as a filmmaker, but zero marks as a father.” Needless to say, they do not have a good relationship.

    7. MK*

      While what you say is true, it may also be beside the point. I mean, you are sort-of assuming that OP is stressing over if and how to communicate that he is estranged from his father for the benefit of other people, when most likely other is trying to protect himself from the unpleasant experience. And sure, the father probably doesn’t care if he is stirring up drama with OP, but that’s because he doesn’t have to, he is apparently established enough that it won’t affect him; that doesn’t really help with OP’s valid concern that telling people about the estrangement will affect his own standing.

    8. JSPA*

      I more and more feel it’s important to remind people that loving and cherishing one’s progeny isn’t a sure thing. If it’s the case, and if you can bear it, it would be helpful to educate on the topic:

      “I’ve heard that from her friends. Unfortunately, she felt trapped into parenthood, and I / we bore the brunt of her distress.”

      1. Zombeyonce*

        This is a very “know your audience” kind of response. Only people who actually know the father might find this information helpful or educational. For fans who don’t actually know him, this is too much personal information and will only lead to a very awkward interaction.

        1. JSPA*

          This is a reply to Snarkus Aurelius, for use in social settings. Not a stand-alone to the LW. For the LW, “It wasn’t easy being my father’s child. I had to disconnect rather intensely, to find equilibrium and success in my own life. I hope you can honor that by treating us as two strangers who happen to share a name, as far as seating, photos, commentary and questions.”

          If the answer is anything other than, “of course”– game out how it will go.

          “Host Org will be so disappointed!”
          Response: “They’d be more disappointed, I assume if I had to leave abruptly?”

          “Host Org already planned X!”
          Response: “I feared that that might be the case which is why I am giving you advance warning.”

          “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal.”
          Response: “Ah, but actually, it is. And I’d like it treated as such.”

          “But your dad wanted to–”
          Response: ” Let me stop you right there, because extricating myself from my father’s wants and needs and preferences is exactly the point.”

          “Can’t you–”
          Response: “No, I can’t.”

          “Could you–”
          Response: “You know that one definition of insanity, as repeatedly doing something when you know it doesn’t work?”

          Remember, the tone is, “Greater situation may indeed be regrettable, but my role going forward is not a momentary fit of pique to be gotten over, and we thus need to follow some simple ground rules, for everyone’s benefit.”

    9. Ryan*

      As someone who’s used that language before, you have my sympathy for the assured many people who give you some weird look because they *surely* couldn’t have been a bad judge of character!

      As the child of a narcissist, I totally empathize and that language is perfect.

  4. NotToMe*

    I remember sitting at my father’s funeral, listening to everyone tell great stories about how awesome he was, and I was crying because I wished I had known the same man as they did.

    1. Mentally Spicy*

      Wow, I literally just replied to another comment where I mentioned having pretty much the same experience! Like you, I wish I’d known the man they were talking about.

      Hugs and sympathies, internet stranger.

    2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Same. Although I realized at the memorial service that in some ways I did have the same experience. Only it was far more appropriate in a 1970’s mentor in a terribly competitive and harsh field than a parent. i.e. my dad was Ellis Grey. Loved and respected by colleagues and the learning experiences valued by those taught. But the Socratic method and demands for perfection isn’t great for parenting a 3 year old.

    3. Sabina*

      Ugh, so sorry. Husband & I recently attended the funeral of his former brother- in- law who had been extremely abusive to my husband’s late sister and neices and nephew, We only attended to support the nephew who has lost a lot of family lately. Listening to the eulogies was hard. Apparently BIL had a whole other life after his first abusive marriage and was beloved by his second family and community. We just sat through everything quietly and left as soon as possible.

      1. I Have RBF*

        Everyone at my dad’s memorial talked about what a loving father and doting grandfather he was. Yeah, right. I, the eldest of his kids, had an emotionally distant father who would rather watch any and every sport than spend time with his kids. If he wasn’t working or commuting he was watching sports, even bowling, tennis and golf. Apparently in his second round of fatherhood with his second wife he did better.

    4. Pandas*

      Yeah, it wasn’t as emotional for us because we gave up a long time ago, but recently my brother and I were at our uncle’s funeral looking at all of the photos of him with golden child nephew after hearing all the stories about how ride or die my uncle was for people he liked, and my brother was like, “I guess he was a good Uncle to someone” and that just about summed it up.

    5. Kara*

      Same, although I skipped the funeral. I spent 3 days pre-funeral listening to his 2nd wife (the one he married 6 weeks after my mother died) and her family talk about what a wonderful, gentle, patient, loving step-father and step-grandfather he was. A step-grandfather, mind you to 3 adopted boys who happened to be Black and my father who wouldn’t hesitate to use a hard-r when he was drunk. But then he quit drinking when he married her.
      Anyway. Coincidentally, suddenly, the day before the service, I found out that there was an emergency at work and I absolutely couldn’t stay. So sorry. Give my love to all.
      That was 20 years ago and I’ve never regretted it.

    6. Star Trek Nutcase*

      I had a good relationship with my dad. But I had an big negative heartsick reaction at a posthumously national award ceremony for him hearing all the wonderful speeches given by people whose lives he impacted over 40 years of service. It was so hard to hold by tears when I had to go up and accept the award and speak for the family knowing he easily gave of himself to others but had trouble doing so with family (except financially mostly).

      It really opened my eyes how our parents (as do we all) have complex lives where our interactions with others can be widely different.

    7. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I had that experience at my grandfather’s funeral. He wasn’t a bad person to us at all, he just didn’t give his family the same care and attention he gave his community, and I couldn’t really recognize him in the stories people were telling about him. I remember my mom (his daughter) seeming a little sad about it too.

      I was thinking a lot about that recently because at my mom’s funeral two weeks ago, I was really aware of the contrast when her community was sharing similar stories about how helpful she was to them and I could think, “Yes! This is 100% consistent with the person I knew.” And that is a good legacy to leave.

      1. Massive Dynamic*

        What a perfect exemplification of learning from past generations and choosing the better path. May your mother rest in peace and her legacy always shine bright.

        1. HoundMom*

          Alison, I am so sorry about your Mom. You always spoke so highly of her and I am glad you have wonderful memories. May those memories warm you when you miss her.

          1. Just Another Cog*

            Sorry to learn of your Mom’s passing, Alison. From what you’ve spoken of her, she sounds like she was a fabulous lady. Take care.

    8. Rincewind*

      My father’s funeral is probably going to be like that.
      The man I know has always been distant and unemotional. I have to explicitly approach him and ask for advice to get anything. Which I always assumed was just him respecting boundaries and consent, not as him avoiding me. But then – in the 20 years since I moved out, I think we’ve spoken or visited less than three times a year on average, including phone calls but not including texts.
      The biggest link between us has been that sometimes if I ask for money he’ll help, and once he gave me a car worth about $1k. Total value of monetary help since I moved out is probably under $5k, not counting my inheritance (paternal grandparents) which was spent on college tuition.
      For my sister – he paid her rent in college, he paid her bills in grad school, he has bought her multiple cars, he makes regular trips to help her with home repairs, etc. Oh, and his second wife, who I never connected with because I was told she didn’t want kids and not to try to form a relationship, has planned my sister’s wedding. I would guess this woman (and possibly most of the guest list) won’t be able to name my wife of 15 years, but is helping my sister plan her wedding.

      Families are weird.

      I’m attending my sister’s wedding in a few weeks, along with the aforementioned forgotten spouse. I’m sure there will be lots of speeches of how attentive my father was to her, how great of a dad he is. And it’s gonna hurt because that’s not the man he was for me.

      Not sure what advice I have for OP. Just know that if it slips that the relationship is painful, it’s likely that whoever sees the slip also knows about parents that aren’t so great.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I’m so sorry about this. Please just know that a bunch of studies have shown that siblings have such vast differences in parenting with the same parents. I’ve been on the short end of that stick as well.

        1. Deejay*

          My parents have always tried to be scrupulously fair in their treatment of my sister and me. But they still once apologised to me that “We didn’t do quite as good a job with you because you were the first. We were just winging it with you but with her we had the benefit of experience”.

          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            I’ve said the same to my elder daughter, with an additional thanks for being a good teacher to us. I hope it helps when her pipsqueak of a sister gets to do some things early.

            Then I also catch it from the other kid, who points out that yes, else has to wait 10 years to get her ears pierced, but she didn’t KNOW. Younger KNOWS and shouldn’t have to wait so long. :D

    9. Hroethvitnir*

      Sympathy. My father and I have a decent, if careful, relationship now (no contact about 15 years). His partner is someone extremely invested in appearances.

      I already discovered I’m not as over as I thought when a friend of his told me I was lucky to be his child (online) and has a breakdown that left me alternating between furious and extra depressed for a week.

      If my father dies before his partner and I have to sit through a saccharine funeral organised by her. Well. I genuinely don’t know if I can.

      TW: following contains mild descriptions of physical abuse of children.

      (My parents were young, traumatised, trying their best: and abusive. When I was a teenager my father’s new partner made up lies about me that lead to increased violence from him, including strangulation. Then I was told I was abusive to him because I did things like have a panic attack and scream at him when he wouldn’t stop tickling me – usually he was great about consent, btw, and I was taught explicitly about consent as a child in the 80s! People are complicated.)

  5. Enough*

    I can’t think of a good wording but something along the lines of not stepping on/into each other’s moment to shine. I think each should get their moment as individuals. I doubt father wants to share the limelight. (unless son is a winner and he isn’t)

    1. Brit Girl*

      I love this if the OP can pull that off then its a win/win and no one who shouldn’t gets to know the personal stuff.

    3. CanadaGoose*

      Yes. A non-dramatic reason for wanting to attend and be honored separately is: “I’d like to stay focused on each honoree’s (professional) contributions” (sub in your topic area(s)) “…rather than personal connections or family history.”

      The more you can speak as if you assume people will act like this is a normal work event – where family of origin doesn’t usually come up – the better.

      2. HonorBox*

        This is terrific. Steer the focus from father-son relationship to focus on the event, all nominees and all winners.

    4. Margaret Cavendish*

      I don’t love this one. Too much opportunity for the organizers to say of course it isn’t a problem, and OP’s father would be delighted to share the stage with his beloved son, and isn’t it lovely that Beloved Son is so modest about the whole thing?

      It’s much better for OP to make it about his own needs from the beginning, so as not to get dragged into another conversation about how great his father is.

      OP, good luck with what sounds like a really complicated day. And I hope you win the award!

      1. HonorBox*

        Trying to put myself in the shoes of the organizer, I think if someone suggested that they didn’t want to overshadow the event by focusing on the relationship, it would at least make me pause. I might be inclined to suggest that it wouldn’t be an issue, but if they repeated it, I would hope that I’d be able to read between the lines.

      2. asbanks*

        I think this one depends on framing. It would be one thing if OP said something like “I’d hate to get in the way,” but if he’s making it clear that his preferences are to keep things separate and ensure honorees are honored separately, that doesn’t really leave wiggle room. It’s the difference between “I don’t want to be a problem” and “I would consider X a problem.”

      3. Arctic Tern*

        It’s as much about the son not getting overshadowed by the father though, isn’t it? I think the request can be worded in such a way to make that clear to the event organizers.

      4. Cookie Monster*

        Totally agree. Do NOT give them anything to engage with, debate you on, disagree with, etc. Give them nothing but a pleasant ‘no, thanks.’

    5. OrdinaryJoe*

      That was my thought, too. IF so inclined, the OP could always add something like … My father encouraged me to be independent of him and we deliberately don’t step into each other’s lanes. This sounds like it could be certainly taken as a positive and like a mutual, discussed, family standard.

    6. TheBunny*

      I was thinking similar.

      “The awards aren’t related, I’d hate to have them overlap. Please keep them separate.”

    7. Anon for this*

      My mother works in the same field as I do, and is something of a Big Name within the field (though not the level that the OP has to deal with). We live and work in different countries, so not many people know that she’s my mother, but the one time she was invited to a conference in my country that I also attended, we avoided each other throughout the conference and kept the relationship quiet. We have a very good relationship (and spent lots of time together outside the conference) but I find it awkward to be compared to her.

      So something along the lines of “we prefer to keep our relationship out of professional work” doesn’t necessarily mean “we’re estranged” and might do what OP wants.

    8. Spero*

      I would go with “It’s not common knowledge but we do not have a relationship and I wouldn’t want any awkwardness around that to negatively affect the success of your event. I would not be willing to share a table or participate in any shared photos/interactions with him, so I wanted to give you a heads up now to ensure nothing like that is in your current plans. However, I’m thrilled to participate in [awards] and am glad that you recognize each nominee’s individual achievements!’

  6. Unkempt Flatware*

    In my experience, when you tell people too much, they try and fight with you about it. My father is also renowned in his small way. A childhood friend’s mom came up to me at her wedding to ask how my father was.

    “I don’t know. We don’t speak.”
    “What?! He is such a great guy! That probably kills him not to speak to you.”
    “Well, the two felony convictions for crimes against women tell a different tale.”
    “I highly doubt your father would do anything like that.”
    “Okay”

    1. Banana Pyjamas*

      I’m sorry she approached you that way. Some people are just terrible, and it’s somehow worse when they don’t mean to be.

      2. Bast*

        They’d probably claim that it was a set up, or that there must be something wrong with those women to want to destroy a “good man.” Had a similar situation where an old high school acquaintance was arrested for SA and harassing more than 1 woman and while some people put distance, just as many people claimed that the women must have been making it up, because the guy they knew would NEVER.

        1. Unkempt Flatware*

          This was exactly the tone in her response. I knew any more info from me would be met with, “some women will do anything…”.

        2. just some guy*

          Going through this right now with a certain well-known fantasy author. So many people shoving their fingers in their ears and making up excuses to avoid having to acknowledge that their fave isn’t the great guy we thought he was.

          1. TeaCoziesRUs*

            Who? I love fantasy worlds, but don’t tend to follow authors or hear drama, or I know they’re problematic but their worlds aren’t.

            1. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

              Neil Gaiman, most likely. Lot of gross stuff coming out about him lately.

      3. But Of Course*

        My uncle’s felony convictions for child molestation are also public record, but that didn’t stop my grandparents from insisting that he was framed by his daughters and the state went along with it because they needed a qualified electrician to do the prison system’s electrical repairs, which is also why he wasn’t paroled when he was eligible for a number of years.

        The public record attached to his sex offender registry entry is chilling, according to my brother.

        1. Jopestus*

          This was actually outlandish enough to make me laugh out loud in office. :D Apparently people can make up anything to protect their psyche. :D

      4. Observer*

        I mean, would that not be a public record???

        So? It does *occasionally* happen that someone gets unfairly convicted. And that’s all some people need to decide that “their” person was FOR SURE also innocent, despite the conviction(s).

        I mean, look at this site alone for that kind of thing. We’ve had more than one person either insist that these convictions are wrong “all the time” or tell a specific story that their person “could not” have done the crime for all sorts of reasons, some of which are pretty ridiculous.

        Depressing.

    3. A Poster Has No Name*

      Not my experience, but I’ve had several friends bitch about the same thing. People trying to discredit their own experiences because they can’t POSSIBLY believe the person they only have surface experience with could behave entirely differently with their family.

      1. Juicebox Hero*

        Same with the ones who insist that the beloved teacher, priest, coach, or whoever who can’t possibly have done the terrible things that they’re accused of, and then it’s the victims who get blamed and treated like crap.

        1. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

          Alice Munro was one of my favourite writers until her daughter disclosed abuse at the hands of her stepfather. Ultimately, her mother decided to stay with him. Even after he was convicted of SA. Sadly, even if the LW disclosed the truth about his father, people will still see him a a good man.

            1. I Have RBF*

              Yeah, then her daughter threw an entire community under the bus saying that we “all knew”. No, her family and close confidants kept the secret well. I had been somewhat associated with them briefly, and dropped back because I didn’t like some of close hangers on. Turns out my gut sense about some people was just the tip of the iceberg.

              But the whole thing has ruined her books for me. MZB was apparently deeply disturbed, but had a good “public face” that she showed her fans. It taught me not to look to closely at favorite authors under the surface.

        2. N C Kiddle*

          Can’t remember where I read it but someone said that abusers groom their character witnesses as carefully as they groom their victims, and that one stayed with me

    4. Ellis Bell*

      It is totally unhinged to try and tell someone you know their parent better than they do. People like this never realise how much they sound like a cult follower.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          That’s actually fascinating; my response to stumbling on something I didn’t foresee is to say “sorry, I had no idea”, whether it’s someone’s foot, or some unforeseen or unknown facts. It just hadn’t occurred to me that doubling down on ‘you should talk to your father’ is a surprise response but, okay, food for thought.

          1. MK*

            Were you ever actually told that someone you liked, admired and respected was a horrible parent, and you immediately accepted it with “sorry, I had no idea”? Or are you just assuming you would react in the way you believe correct?

            Denial is, in fact, a very common reaction to bad news.

            1. Starbuck*

              It’s a common reaction but it’s not universal. I’ve been told similar news, and my reaction was “damn, they hid it so well.” But I’m not a parent so I think I’m missing the potential knee-jerk defensiveness that other parents might have.

            2. Unkempt Flatware*

              So true. But hopefully people have enough sense and self-control not to put
              being surprised on the messenger. “I had no idea” then walk away and go, “my god can you believe that?!” but it wasn’t cool to challenge me with her surprise.

            3. Saturday*

              Yeah, I think that people are unfairly imaging themselves responding in the correct way but not thinking about how difficult that could be if they genuinely had reason to believe the person was actually very different. Most people try not to change their view of someone they know based on one statement from a person they just met.

              However, in this example, I would hope they would at least refrain from trying to tell an adult child what kind of relationship they should have with their parent.

              1. Sleve*

                True, but most people also don’t call other people liars to their face without strong evidence. They go ‘Huh, wow, I’d never heard that before. I’ll keep that in mind.’ and then go away and seek facts afterwards in private.

                Maybe the statement will turn out to be true, maybe false, maybe unverifiable in either direction. But believing ‘Person A feels they have been hurt by Person B’ isn’t changing your opinion about Person B, it’s just adding a new fact to your mental encyclopedia.

            4. Hroethvitnir*

              There’s a wide gulf between confusion and sadness internally and telling someone they’re wrong and their experiences. I have had plenty of hard conversations, and a generic “oh, I’m sorry” is indeed my go-to.

              I have grace for people saying kind of offensive things thoughtfully to *some* degree, but given the commenter said the tone was 100% such that they’d expect victim blaming should the conversation continue (and how common this line of thinking is), I’m confident saying their response was weird. Weird unpleasant, not weird uncommon.

              I do think this is significantly informed by your exposure to things like this – I’m consistently upset when people on the internet think it must be fake/exaggerated should too many people who know each other have abusive upbringings… except as someone who resembles that, we find each other, and we don’t tell people who seem unsafe irl. 100% like men who scoff at how common sexual harassment and assault of women is.

              It doesn’t make you a *terrible* person if your world view makes you bluescreen when exposed to something unpleasant like this, but you are 100% responsible for being capable of responding civilly.

              1. K*

                One of the most useful skills you get as a therapist is thoughtfully saying “Mmm” when you don’t know how to respond.

            5. Ellis Bell*

              That’s what I meant by food for thought. I think this makes the response of “Okay” even more genius, if it’s some kind of denial spiral.

          2. Polly Hedron*

            Here’s more food for thought: I hope that, in that situation, I would say “sorry, I had no idea”.
            But it’s possible that I might blurt out a shocked awkward response, later Google to get the truth, and then feel guilty.

    5. ferrina*

      Sounds like you handled it incredibly well!
      I hope that person didn’t ruin your experience of the wedding- sometimes these interaction have given me trauma flashbacks, but I’ve found it got better as I got older and desensitized.

    6. Paint N Drip*

      “Okay” is an incredibly restrained and polite response to that genuine nonsense, and I applaud you for choosing that instead of psychic fireballs exploding from your eyes

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        I just say ‘thank you for sharing.’ It is hard to hear the praise heaped on someone who didn’t care for me, but I don’t want to rehash it with strangers or acquaintances. I think it’s an individual decision and based on the level of trauma.
        OP, please do what makes you comfortable. I don’t think the organizers will give it too much thought if you say you don’t want the same table or pictures. If they do, it’s their problem. And do bring an ally as a guest in case you freeze in the moment.

    7. Lacey*

      Yes. This is so true.

      But, honestly, people are going to find a way to be mad about it no matter what.

      You tell them too little, they assume you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.
      You tell them too much and they’re working overtime to explain why it couldn’t possibly be true and your wee little brain just got confused.

    8. Blarg*

      I still have to do the “don’t know, we don’t speak” for my dad. But for my mom I can say, “oh, she’s dead.” And I say it in the tone of voice of “oh, she is doing great.”

      I am just beyond the point of caring if other people are offended. I was raised by them, my opinion counts more than anyone else’s.

    9. It’s A Butternut Squash*

      Okay is honestly the perfect cutting answer to that and I applaud you.

      I had someone (another family member) tell me once “No mother would never do that to her child.” I was too enraged to know what to say. I guess no woman had ever killed a child either and all those news stories are made up.

      Wish I had just said “okay.”

  8. Yadah*

    +10000 to the idea that a manager or agent (if you’ve got one) should be managing this conversation.

    Definitely talk to the event organizers, a no-show nominee is awkward and a no-show winner is even worse so they will want to make it easy and appealing for you to attend.

    The other angle here is to use a little white lie leveraging the hot topic of nepo babies.
    “It’s really important for me at this point in my career to be seen as a talented individual in my own right and not just be recognized for my connection to my father, so please don’t orchestrate any media or spotlights that focus on that connection”

    If there’s a red carpet that you’re expected to walk you’ve got 2 scenarios: if it’s a timed carpet contact the organizers to ensure it’s not timed at the same slot (or shortly after) as your dad, going earlier is better if you can because they always run behind.
    If it’s not timed, see if you can find out when he’s arriving and schedule your arrival accordingly.
    Remember that all press is voluntary to engage with, you can skip anything and end any interview or photo moment when you want to end them.

    Honestly, if you can bring a guest I’d do so as AAM suggested, but give them the title of “handler/manager” for the evening if that seems appropriate for your industry. They don’t need to do any work, just be an excuse. “Sorry, my manager is saying I have to move on” “sorry, my handler is ushering me to the next room” “Thanks for your time, my manager is flagging me so I have to step away”

    Actors do this all the time, it’s a way to make sure they always come across as gracious and willing to give their time, it’s just outside forces preventing them from doing so.

    Good luck OP, and congrats on the nomination! You deserve to celebrate this moment!

    2. HonorBox*

      The little lie is perfect. Especially because you’re both nominated (and in separate categories), it would be great for you to be there, standing on your own merits.

    4. coffee*

      Yes, I would definitely go along the “I want to be seen as my own person in my career”, “I want to stand on my own feet”, “I try to go it alone, career-wise”. It’s not even a lie, there’s no reason you have to clarify your personal relationships at a career event.

      Also you can always bring out the classics: “Excuse me, I’m going to get another drink/go to the bathroom/catch up with a friend/keep moving/get some air” etc. Or a subject change.

  9. Banana Pyjamas*

    I’m sorry this is so hard for you. I think in the day to day its fine to say you’ll send you’re regards and just not do it. No advice for the awards ceremony though.

    2. ArtsNerd*

      Yes, it’s perfectly fine to lie to exit the interaction if you are willing to do it. My dad does this without any estrangement or drama issues.

      He is an identical twin and people would mistake him for his brother when he visited his hometown. I was with him once, and the person, “oh my mistake! I completely forgot he had a twin! Please do send my regards!” Dad replied, cheerily: “Will do!” I asked him how he would do that given that the stranger never introduced themself. “Oh that always happens; I just stopped trying.”

    3. Carol the happy*

      I like that. “No, Dad, this moment is yours alone.”
      Or, “No. This recognition is for him alone.”
      End that sentence on a downstroke, lightly emphasizing “Alone”, and turn away.
      Practice a bemused look, as if the mere suggestion of you stealing his thunder is coming from the fevered mind of a two-headed aardvark. Curious, ridiculous, and just a touch of madness. So maybe shake your head slightly.
      That way, you look mildly surprised, but generous and unshakeable.

      If anyone wants to delve- and they will- have a ready spoonful of pablum to feed them. “My father and I really don’t discuss our separate volunteer and charitable activities. That way the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. We’ve always kept it that way.” Shrug and walk away.

      If anyone is still clueless enough to pursue, (volunteer agencies, especially combinations, are often socially clueless and pushy, and grouping donors together for a photo opportunity is very effective.)

      I would look them straight in the eye and say firmly, “He has enough on his plate without the organizations I help/ work with going after his attention and limited time.
      “By the same token, I’m too busy to have his organizations feel entitled to my resources, especially my limited time.” Again, bemused half-smile, then let that smile fall on the floor as you tip your head slightly. Channel “Mr. Spock”. Raise an eyebrow if you can, but stare at them briefly as if you’re making sure they get the picture. Then make dust as you stride purposefully toward your people. (“Your people” might require the same firm treatment. Give it generously!)

      If you do get physically dragged into a photo with your XY Parental Unit, then you might want to channel any tabloid Hollywood power couple who are trying not to confirm that they hate each other’s guts and have each hired a divorce shark. Smile widely with your mouth for photos.

      Think of all Ivana Trump’s “Smiling Deer In the Headlights” tabloid photos from around 1989-1990, make a smile like hers was, and then leave and work the room.

      Best wishes, you deserve better.

      1. Normal Rachel*

        I… don’t think this accomplishes what LW is asking. Why would they put on a one-person show about their respect for their father? That seems like entirely too much engagement with something painful. And they made clear that they are not willing to take pictures. I don’t think they need to preserve their father’s image by creating an elaborate script about how they don’t collaborate — they just need to avoid him entirely and dodge comments about him without causing a stir.

        I liked the suggestions up-thread about leaving convos as necessary and chalking it up to an agent/manager, if that’s appropriate. The goal is to survive the evening without being in immense pain, and as a person with PTSD myself, coming up with a whole backstory — especially one that is flattering to the abuser — is very onerous.

  10. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

    No advice – I am just sorry. I was estranged from my father too. He died of cancer and everyone told me I would always regret not visiting him before he died. I didn’t see him, and I have never regretted having the boundary.
    I hope you win, and that you do without having to interact with him.
    <3

    1. Pita Chips*

      Media has a big attachment to deathbed reconciliations and that influences a lot of people to believe in it.

      It’s not going to happen on my end either and I won’t be at the funeral.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        I stopped trying to have a relationship with my verbally and emotionally abusive father in 1995. He passed away recently. I had not seen him and I’m not sorry.
        My only emotions were anger towards my father, and concern for my sibling who was handling the arrangements.

      2. London Calling*

        I’m on a big SM site in the UK and you see a lot of this when people are describing problems with their parents. Comments along the lines of ‘you only get one set of parents,’ ‘you’ll wish you’d made up before they die,’ and ‘I wish my parents were still alive like your’s are.’ Some people just cannot compute that not everyone’s experience of parents and family is as benign as theirs.

        1. Roo*

          Echo this. You’re absolutely right. I’m on what I think is the same site regularly (MN?) and comments like that, often levelled at posters in extreme distress and at their wits’ end infuriate me. “I would never ever dream of treating my mother that way” is another one often trotted out. I’m frequently told how wonderful my M is, what a pillar of the church and community. Behind closed doors it has been lifelong humiliation, beatings, tolerance of the abusive actions of others and even the invoking of GoldenBalls brother to his hearty approval of how much it’s warranted and adding his own input into the misery (although a few recent statements suggest that he’s not as acquiescent as I thought. Perhaps he’s just been protecting himself, and that’s understandable). A studied, polite indifference is the best that I can hope for.
          I haven’t the energy to contradict any of it (though a few have occasionally witnessed mask-slippage of late and sent a sympathetic glance my way) and doubt I’d be believed anyway. So I smile and nod, smile and nod.

          It’s my belief that saying nothing is sometimes actually making the loudest statement of all.

          I wish the LW all the best for the event and congratulations on the nomination – and to them and all others who are having to deal with this sort of thing – all the very best for happier times ahead. x

          1. London Calling*

            It is MN, yes. Fortunately (or not) there are enough posters with experience of toxic families who robustly set them right,

            1. Roo*

              Yes, the Stately Homes threads there are a bastion of wisdom, kindness and sound advice. It’s sad how widespread this sort of thing is, but a certain comfort in knowing that one is not alone. Every good wish to you. x

    2. ferrina*

      I hate that line- “you’ll regret it!” It lays the blame for unreasonable people at the feet of the more reasonable person. Bonus points if the person that’s actually dying doesn’t bother reaching out, and it’s just the flying monkeys that are doing the guilt tripping.

      You know what I regret? Not having a real childhood. Not realizing that name-calling isn’t actually a form of love until my 30s. Never feeling like I was good enough. Blaming myself for being “difficult” and “unlovable”. Internalizing my parents message that other people’s emotions were my responsibility and that I was responsible for anticipating other people’s needs and reactions to a truly insane degree (on the flip side, I am incredibly good at troubleshooting because I have so. much. practice. trying to troubleshoot my parents’ inevitable outbursts). I even regret that I had to make tough choices as soon as I became an adult because my family gave me no support- moving home was never an option, there was never any financial support, no networking or giving advice about getting a job or being in an office (unless you count “make yourself smaller” as advice. it didn’t matter what my question was, the ‘advice’ was always “you clearly did something wrong, so just act like their indentured servant to make it up to them”)

      You know what else I regret? When my mother decided that her abusive parents were more important than my children. When she refused to even see my children for years because she was too busy caring for her elderly parents (they had a ton of health needs and sucked at managing their own lives. like refused to listen to doctor orders, kept their money in a gazillion accounts, did weird purchases, etc). My children will never feel like their grandmother was part of their life, because she chose to not be part of their life so she could invest all her time in her relationship with her horrible parents. And yes, in the very, very last year they realized how valuable she was and how much they needed her. But she threw away her relationship with her grandchildren in order to get that closure. And I will forever regret her choice.

      1. Anonym*

        As a parent of a small child, I am so angry for you that I’m in tears. Wishing you, OP, and everyone with parents like that boundaries, peace, and that nobody gives you crap about those boundaries. (Not useful, I’m sorry, unless you can use one more anonymous concurrence in a moment of doubt.)

      3. KayDeeAye*

        My mother’s mother was a terrible parent (Mom actually refused to call her “my mother” – she’d call her “my biological mother”), and my husband’s parents were also terrible in their own special ways, and both Mom and husband heard things like “You’ll regret keeping your distance once they’re gone,” and they heard them over and over again.
        And…no. They certainly regretted not having better parents, and they certainly wished things could have been different, but allowing these people continue to hurt them over and over again? Yeah, no.

        2. ferrina*

          I felt that way when my grandparents passed. All four granparents were difficult people, and even from a young age I knew that spending time with the grandparents was about what they wanted, never about me. If my grandfather asked me what I was learning about in school, it was so that he could tell me that the schools were teaching it wrong and he was smarter than all of them.

          When they died, it was like I had one less thing on my to-do list. One less joyless Christmas card to write, one less person giving me the silent treatment. All four grandparents were big fans of the silent treatment. But they also never reached out to me anyways, so there wasn’t any difference in when they were/weren’t giving me the silent treatment. I didn’t regret not spending more time with them (like some people suggested). I don’t miss them at all, just like I don’t miss having a hangnail.

  11. Productivity Pigeon*

    I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. How awful to have to be reminded constantly of such a painful thing, and then not feeling able to share the truth.

    Could you use the argument that you’re trying to establish yourself without relying on your “personal connections” and therefore are trying to not be seen with your Dad or take pictures with him at the gala?

  12. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

    That’s a good way to handle the publicity of the award presentation- “I don’t want to steal Dad’s limelight; let him soak it in. Also, if I win, I’d like to accept on my own- I don’t want anyone to think I got it by riding Dad’s coattails.” Some diplomatic way of phrasing of it.

    As for people coming up to you, feel free to lie your ass off. Blithely and breezily say, “I’ll be sure to pass that along next time I talk to him!” and just…never talk to him. How will they know? I’m not advocating lying and agreeing he’s a great guy or anything- just close the social loop and let them move on. Ending the conversation quickly is probably the easiest and path of least resistance for both you and the other person.

    1. ButtercupDC*

      Bonus points if he tries to pull you in for some sort of publicity photo and instead you just animatedly point, “THAT lady says hi” as you run away.

    2. mreasy*

      I don’t think this is strong enough to ensure the event organizers don’t put them together / in a joint photo though. Unless OP explains that they don’t get along and they will not sit with their father nor will they agree to a photo op together… in plain language… the organizers may decide that their interest in the father/son novelty angle overrides OP’s desire to “not share the limelight/ride coattails” etc.

      OP, Alison’s script is what I would recommend. If you say anything less clear in order to try to save organizers from uncomfortable feelings, you will be the one who ends up in discomfort. And that isn’t your responsibility.

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  13. Anonymous in WI*

    One potential conservation off-ramp could be your desire to keep the focus on your work product and the team that contributed to it.

  14. Kenny Chesney*

    “We’ve never been close,” is such a perfect sidestep for that uncomfortable conversation that I’m astounded I haven’t heard it before.

    All awards ceremonies look different, but if the awards are given out grouped by the categories you mentioned–there’s no shame in finding an excuse to leave the room (urgent phone call, feeling momentarily ill, etc) during his category if you’re concerned that might be a moment where people are likely to bother you about him.

    Best of luck to you. None of this should be on you to handle, but it is.
    Make sure to prioritize your own safety and mental health over some stranger’s feelings about a random (if prominent) crappy guy.

    2. RVA Cat*

      100% this. “We’ve never been close” may have them filling in Cat’s Cradle cliches about neglectful workaholic parents, but consider it a “discretion shot” of not showing the emotional version of blood & gore.

  15. Justin*

    The fact that you are an invited guest means you can and should make requests. Think of it the way (I’m not saying it’s the same thing!) you might need to ask for special meals or something else – if they want you to attend, you should receive the support you request.

    Sorry you have had to deal with this.

  16. Magnolia woods*

    I have a similar situation. I don’t talk about my childhood to anyone but my closest friends. Honestly i can’t without crying. I usually just say that’s nice when they talk about how much they love my parents. Then I look for the 1st opportunity to get them to pivot to speaking about themselves. Oh you worked with them at xyz co. How long did you work there? What did you do there? What do you do now? Everyone loves talking about themselves. Remember most people don’t care about your childhood. They probably don’t even care that much about your parents. They wouldn’t be talking to you if they didn’t want to connect with you. They don’t realize this isn’t a good topic so give them another topic to connect over. Not outing your parents protects your peace of mind and privacy. They haven’t won anything. They’ve lost a relationship with child and maybe grandchildren. Karma will catch up to them eventually.

    1. Anonym*

      This is an extremely compassionate way to think about the situation. I don’t know that I’d have the strength. You are very kind (and strategic).

    4. coffee*

      Yes, good tip on the subject change. And if the other person is any good at making small talk they will go with the subject change. (Plus, as you say, everyone does love talking about themselves.)

  17. Ellis Bell*

    I’d go with:
    Dear Committee
    It’s not common knowledge, (alternatively say “even though it is common knowledge I’m related to another award recipient”) but on the off chance someone knows I’m related to one of the other award recipients, I felt the need to outline that really we aren’t that close and there’s some personal history between us. In the interests of avoiding awkwardness, I would like to request that no reference is made to that relationship during the event. I would also need to be seated away from him, again to ensure a minimum of awkwardness.
    I sincerely thank you in advance for considering this request, and assure you there is no need to do anything except treat us as two unrelated applicants.
    Yours Sincerely OP.
    If they’ve been around the block at all, they’ll get that this is non negotiable.

    1. CanadaGoose*

      I don’t think this is the best option for phrasing, as it gives the somewhat dramatic impression of asking for a “don’t talk about it!” message, instead of just confirming that these two attendees should be honored separately as was likely already the plan in general.

  18. Lyra Belacqua*

    Yes, assuming entertainment industry or something adjacent, 100% have your agent handle it. This is their job (or one of them.) It’s also certainly not the only such situation the people in charge of the seating are trying to manage—maybe not parent/child dynamics, but many people will be asking not to sit with the ex with whom they don’t get along, the person their ex cheated on them with, the colleague with whom you had an argument the last time you worked together…people with these kinds of jobs at this level know how to be discreet. They may raise an eyebrow, but that’s it (and also, not your problem.)

    1. Lyra Belacqua*

      And I’d add—you do not need an excuse and should not give one. “Please do not place me at a table with x, and please inform the event photographer(s) that I will not appear in photographs with him. Thank you.”

      1. ArtsNerd*

        Seconding that this is a very normal way of phrasing things and not at all a weird request.

  19. Kes*

    I agree with the suggestion to contact the organizers in order to request being seated at a different table. In fact, I would even say that you’re estranged and therefore you would prefer to sit at a different table. You’re not really attacking his reputation by privately asking them this, and it gives them information that should also suggest to them to avoid father and son emphasis in general. You may still get other people pressuring on the photos so I’d still be prepared as Alison suggests for how to decline that.

    1. juliebulie*

      I’d worry that telling them that you’re estranged would inspire them to try to get you to reunite. “What a great story that would make! Repairing a father-son relationship!”

      I feel like “we’re not close” is somehow better because it’s vaguer, though I’m not sure that’s the case.

  20. RVA Cat*

    OP I am so sorry you went through this. I wish he’d gotten caught when the abuse happened. I hope karma catches up with him soon.

  21. Csethiro Ceredin*

    I’m so sorry for the very difficult situation.

    What a good reminder to never assume that you know anything about people’s familial relationships, and just because you may be lucky with yours doesn’t mean everyone is.

  22. Ann O'Nemity*

    As someone who has organized large events, I can assure you that these kinds of requests are not that weird! Complicated family dynamics, past relationships, personal or professional conflicts—it happens. We’re accustomed to adjusting seating arrangements, reordering program sequences (like not scheduling back-to-back appearances), and even arranging additional security if needed. I never assume someone is trying to stir up drama when they reach out; most are clearly anxious and just trying to avoid uncomfortable situations. They’re not creating drama—they’re preventing it. And event organizers should be on board with preventing drama, too.

    1. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      Ditto to this, and if the field is entertainment or science you are so very not the first, second, or 50th. Seconding the agent suggestions if that’s an option, but if it’s not, the blandest of explanations (good examples above) should be all the alert the organizers need. If you’re first point of contact is clueless, a few questions about who is organizing xyz should yield you another person to reach out to.

      1. AnonSurvivor*

        Intellectually, I *know* this. My therapist has said this. It still feels hard to do. About 5 or 6 years ago, though, I started asking, and not a single person (organizer) has pushed back or asked for details.

      2. Vague Memories*

        I have a vague memory of a post (either here or on another website) about someone who worked for a science awards ceremony and regularly had to arrange to seat guests apart, even co-authors on the same paper.

        1. Middle Aged Lady*

          This. I worked at a non-profit and we had notes about some donors who were not to be seated together.

          1. just some guy*

            For my wedding we made little colour-coded cards for each of the guests and shuffled them around the table plan to ensure none of the “red” guests were sitting next to “green” guests and that That Person was surrounded by people capable of chaperoning her.

            One person still ended up getting briefly hospitalised but that was entirely self-inflicted.

    2. knitcrazybooknut*

      As an HR person, I can confirm: at my old job, we had a list of people who weren’t allowed information about or to talk to others in my department, let alone in the building. No one batted an eye. You’re not alone.

    3. Blarg*

      My understanding is that at the last Cannes film fest, there was a ton of orchestration involved to ensure that Jolie & Pitt did not so much as see each other. It sucks that OP is having to deal with this, but it is far from uncommon or weird.

      1. TeaCoziesRUs*

        TIFF dealt with the same thing last month. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck both had movies premiering, I think maybe on the same day? Or the next day? I saw some basic mentions of it and wondered at coordination.

    4. Starling*

      “Not creating drama, preventing it” is such a great reframe for pleasantly and firmly holding boundaries.

    5. Azure Jane Lunatic*

      The last time I attended a professional conference without a pre-selected roommate (we had conference roommates, which I know is not best practice, but the funding level is some nickels and a couple pieces of bubblegum and string) I said that I was willing to room with any gender, but please do not put me with Specific Person. It worked out fine except that one person wasn’t briefed and we almost got seated next to each other at a group breakfast. But when I explained the circumstances everything was fine.

  23. Pita Chips*

    LW, I feel for you and this situation sucks rocks.

    You should absolutely ask that you not be seated near him or want photos taken with him. I ran into a similar case where my estranged parents and I would both be at a relative’s wedding. I included a request not to sit with them in my RSVP and it was honored.

    Good luck and please update us!

  24. MotherofaPickle*

    My family background was stellar, according to my peers, and my self-esteem is through the roof.

    I would either give a Hard No, or give a Soft “No, because of these reasons”. If I wanted to go scorched earth, then “YES!” and then go into detail in my acceptance speech.

    I am inherently petty, but I usually talk myself out of it. Not sure I could in this instance.

  25. Juicebox Hero*

    My mother was a manipulative, emotionally abusive piece of crap and everyone in the community thought she was a plaster saint. I feel your pain.

    I have no advice, but I hope you win your award, your father doesn’t, and furthermore that he spends the whole evening with his fly open and toilet paper stuck to his shoe and no one tells him.

  26. Mary Schwartz*

    OP – I wish we couple de friends in real life. If I had a brother, I would assume it was him posting. My father wasn’t quite that famous, but well loved and his funeral was PACKED. And yes, that was physical abuse and endangerment; I received similar. We are the survivors.

    1. Elle*

      YES. I’m so proud of them. The position they’re in is a tough one to handle.

      Slate had a piece on why we (eg the media and collective fan community) are still cool with BP despite the clear evidence that he’s terrible. When I read it, I really hoped his kids know how many people (especially those of us with reprehensible parents) see them and wish them well.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I read that too. Full support to them.

        I’ve had a peek into the mechanics of the celebrity PR/gossip industry recently, and holy tomato, it is crazy — and ruthless. A sociology grad student could write a whole thesis on the subject. Cleanups like BP has received are insanely manipulative due to the amount of money involved and invested. But these are real people, and unfortunately these tactics can end up doing real harm, especially to kids who are just trying to navigate a difficult family situation. </3

        1. Frosty*

          Anne Helen Petersen wrote her PhD dissertation on celebrity gossip – her early writings on The Toast website were what got me into her. Her ideas around semiotics and manipulation of the news are so fascinating to me! I recommend her stuff. She writes a very succeessful newsletter these days and doesn’t write as much about celebrity gossip but it’s all still very good stuff.

          https://repositories.lib.utexas.edu/items/e6d9e193-5b54-46b0-8e0d-383fd872bf28

      2. Boof*

        Uhg, now I have to look this up – NGL on the one hand I’ve always found movie star “good looks” a bit creepy, but acknowledge he has a long acting career and figured he was good at that at least – typical celebrity relationships just always strike me as not like any I care to have. I know they’re actors and of course I try not to creep on people’s private lives even if I’d prefer not to support someone I knew for sure was actively terrible. Which is all to say, bummer but I wish people would just accept that just because someone’s good at one thing, doesn’t mean they’re good at other things, and may even be actively terrible.

    3. ThatOtherClare*

      The fact that they are saying this as adults should be powerful enough to banish any final doubters, in my mind.

      Plenty of insignificant observers such as myself had concerns about Brad Pitt’s attitude towards his children in the past, but adults do like to say ‘Oh, children are so easily influenced!’. I have seen the opposite occur far more often, but nevertheless, they are adults now. They stand on equal footing with any other adult.

    4. Hannah Lee*

      Yes!

      All the love and support and respect to them for how they are handling a difficult, awful situation.

      As a stranger, from afar, that’s the best I can do. Along with saying
      “we see you and admire how you’re trying to navigate this with honesty, dignity and grace”

  28. AnonSurvivor*

    I second the bringing of a friend. I live in LA and a friend and I share this problem (her father, my mother). We have a longstanding agreement to be the buffer. Had to do it twice last year, but usually not more than once a year, TBH.

    Obviously, we’ve shared the estranged parent problem/trauma info with each other. I trust her implicitly and it REALLY helps solve the problem about 90% of the time. Last year, my mother came up to me at the after-party – which I couldn’t avoid – and my friend ran interference. Three years ago I had the shared table problem and I wished I’d thought ahead to solve it, but I didn’t. It was unpleasant, but I do refuse to pose for pictures. Because the photogs are busy, and it’s usually a zoo, that’s easier here and in NYC. Maybe you can push them off, and hope they never come back around?

    My heart goes out to you.

  29. I've Escaped Cubicle Land*

    I am estranged from my biological father and have been for decades. Had once gotten rehired part time at a retail store where I had previous worked part time. While I was in the office filing out HR paperwork, he was there doing the same thing. Honestly didn’t even recognise him since it had been so many years since I had last saw him. (what a lovely peaceful run of time that was) He loves to turn on the public charm. Made a big deal of asking the manager if relatives were allowed to work in the same store. Kept mentioning I was his child. Tried to say good bye to me and tell me he’d talk to me later (He hasn’t had my phone # or address for years and I’ve threatened a restraining order before when he’s tried to get them.) I had the satisfaction of saying “Sir you aren’t my anything” to his face and letting the manager know that while I would be professional if his work overlapped with mine, if he tried to speak to me about anything other then work related I would be perusing a restraining order and expecting them to be in compliance with it. Luckily he worked mornings and I worked evenings in very different departments. I moved to a small rural town over an hour away from home city and he used to work law enforcement a few small towns over. So yeah I still hyperventilate if anyone notices my last name and asks if we are related. I feel for you OP. Mine was just small town popular. Yours feels worse.

  30. Elle*

    This is incredibly frustrating, but I think reframing your thinking on this may help. I think one of the most frustrating aspects of abusive parents is dealing with other people’s feelings on/relationship with them. You are not the one creating an issue (by asking to be seated separately, declining to be photographed together, or otherwise maintaining boundaries). He created the issue when he chose to terrorize his child. Some people will see the situation the way they want to- whether because they’re too mentally lazy to change their mind based on new information or because they truly think achievements can outweigh someone’s harm. That’s all on them. It’s nothing to do with you.

    If it were me, I’d contact organizers ahead of time requesting to be seated at a separate table and also set the boundary ahead of time that I will not appear in photographs with him. I would treat it as a request on par with “I will need a kosher meal for dinner,” eg, calm, firm, and NBD vibes. Ideally, they’ll work with you, but you’ll at least have their response as data that you can use to determine how you’ll handle the event itself.

  31. Lacey*

    No advice, just solidarity from someone who is also estranged from their father.

    My dad isn’t a public figure, so I can tell people as I please – but he is someone with a good reputation in my home community and people do not like to learn that he’s actually a bad man.

    It sucks and it’s never not going to suck. But I hope the organizers are reasonable people who will honor your requests and that you’re able to bring someone with you to make things a bit easier.

  32. Delta Delta*

    The way I’m wired – I’d just skip the event. That’s not fair to OP, and I totally get that, and OP shouldn’t have to miss an event because of Famous Dad. But, depending on the industry, there’s probably no getting around “your famous dad is over there” or people asking about Famous Dad or people wanting pictures orchestrated with Famous Dad. And this is likely going to happen despite asking that it not. And then it puts OP on the defensive all night. Famous Dad is beloved and attendees and media (if media is there) will be fawning over him. People will know that OP is Famous Dad’s kid and will not hesitate to try to cram them together. OP will say no, and then OP will end up looking like the jerk. Famous Dad won’t say anything because Famous Dad enjoys being Famous Dad. Famous Dad may even try to use this as an arena for a reunion, and then OP has to get out of it. I just see a lot of potential downside to OP for attending.

    It’s not fair and I’m sorry this is my position.

  33. Lisa*

    If you want some words to try to head it off ahead of time, maybe something like “We’re not on good terms. I’d prefer not to get into details but to avoid any possible drama detracting from the event .” But if you have a manger/agent/etc definitely this is a thing for them to handle!

  34. H.Regalis*

    I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, LW.

    It’s okay for you to say you don’t want to sit with him or take photos with him. It’s okay to say you’re not close or that you’re estranged. You can’t control how other people will react. If they call you a liar or say whatever happened is your fault, that says a lot more about them than it does about you.

    It’s been many years since anyone asked after my mother. She’s not famous so I have the luxury of telling people she’s dead if they do ask, but when people did and I’ve said we’re estranged, there are always some who take that as an invitation to ask all kinds of personal shit that is none of their fucking business/want to tell you how whatever happened can’t be that bad and they’re your only [whatever] so you should have a good relationship with them/Jesus says to forgive/whatever other fucking bullshit.

    Those people don’t give a damn about you. They’re willing to sacrifice your life and happiness in order to maintain their picture of their favorite author/musician/whatever. You don’t owe anyone a reason for why you’re estranged, and you don’t have to justify it to them or explain things to their satisfaction. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on such a scale.

  35. tabloidtained*

    I think we’ve seen how easy it is for powerful, beloved men to twist public feeling in their favor, in spite of everything they’re accused of. I think the fact that Brad Pitt, for example, has children who are bravely, in their own ways, speaking out, has prevented him from fully turning the media and the public into weapons, say, the way Depp did. But it’s still fascinating to see how well people think of Pitt. And I can imagine that is crushing and isolating for the Jolie kids.

    I say this to emphasize how courageous it is for you to say anything, when your father is a beloved public figure, and how important it is for you to tell yourself that you are NOT creating drama. Your father’s public reputation may be spotless, but any damage to it comes from his own actions, not yours. Make demands of the committee, the venue, your people/agent–anyone you can. Be clear that you do not want a father/son angle in the media. Prepare your scripts (“We’re not close.” “I’d prefer to let him take photos on his own.” “I would like to request that we not be seated together, for personal reasons.”) and don’t be hard on yourself.

  36. FYI*

    YES — “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” IS ABSOLUTELY child endangerment.

    We don’t “consider” it abuse. It IS abuse. So sorry this happened to you.

    1. LadyHouseOfLove*

      I don’t know how old OP is, but seeing it depicted in the Wonder Years show and seeing it mentioned by Gen X or older in other places, I suspect it was a common tactic of “discipline” in earlier years. It is absolutely abuse but I can imagine people just waving it off.

    2. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

      That gave me flashbacks to when I was 5 years old and my father made Mum get out of the car at the side of the road miles from anywhere in the pouring rain and drove off. I screamed the car down as I recall, so he didn’t go far.

      I’ve been estranged from him since I was 14. It’s been a much more pleasant 34 years since then, without him in my life.

  37. Also estranged*

    I’m so sorry about that. My father SA’d me through most of my childhood, and he was a veteran (and proud of it) and beloved by lots of people around us. He would bring up his veteran status whenever he could, and every time he did, people around would tell him he was a hero, they respected him so much, etc. A lot of people also expected me to share their sentiment as a kid and would often tell me how lucky I was to have him as a father and I must be so proud of him. As a kid, I learned to plaster a smile on and nod enthusiastically.

    As you can imagine, I haven’t spoken to him in a decade now, but people keep asking about him. For family friends asking about him, I say something neutral like “my parents are staying busy, as usual” or “it has been a bit since we spoke, this reminds me to give them a call.” Part of me wishes I could be more honest, but I have decided I am not yet ready to be public with my story.

    I know I am not being much help, but I wanted you to know I also understand what it is like to be estranged from someone everyone loves. My husband was kind enough to run interference after we met and before we stopped visiting my family, and that was more helpful than I could have imagined. So, if you have a friend who can provide emotional support, definitely bring them.

    1. RVA Cat*

      You have my sympathies. While his unforgiveable abuse may not have been caused by his service, you are still collateral damage of war.

  38. Erin*

    My mother, albeit an anonymous, has a choice. Stay away or everybody hears my side. She cares about her reputation so she’s left me alone. I’d email the organiser without too much detail or tell them for professional reasons I wish to avoid pointing out the connection during the event.

  39. DJ Abbott*

    If you contact the organizers to make arrangements, make sure they’ve followed through once you get there. If not, see the manager and make sure they do the arrangements now. Don’t let them cross your boundaries.
    I say this as a person who recently attended an event where I had emailed with the organizer about my food issues. The people who served the food had no clue, and I had to be very firm about them NOT giving me a salad! Sigh.
    Of course your stakes are much higher, so do whatever is necessary to have comfortable boundaries.

  40. Momma Bear*

    Considering the number of estranged families in Hollywood, OP is in good company. Depending on the interaction I might nod and smile, or say, “When I see him next…” (the random fan doesn’t need to know that is never). For the photos or other things, I’d say a firm, “No, thanks!” avoid him at the event and if I ran into him, treat him no more special than any other nominee. I realize this is a bigger stage, but I went to a wedding where there were complicated family dynamics and being annoyingly outwardly unaffected worked as armor and I was still able to honor the couple who invited me.

    I’d also steer any conversation back to OP’s own accomplishments. “Yes, that’s interesting…so about my documentary on….I was honored to work with…” and just plow forward about YOU, OP. If there’s a group photo of all nominees, stick yourself on the far end away from your father.

    Part of me hopes OP wins and their father doesn’t. Good luck!

  42. Meep*

    Honestly, at this juncture if a famous father doesn’t have a relationship with their child, I kind of just assume they are a POS father a la Musk or Trump, so I am sure some people would not be surprised and will be understanding. It is like of a sad archetype at this point that the beloved family man (ie. Cosby) isn’t all that warm and fuzzy we light to believe.

    1. Boof*

      Yea you’d think people would realize that someone who’s good at playing a parent may not actually be the same when they aren’t acting.

  43. His Grace*

    As someone who’s been estranged from his family, I agree with the “We’re not close” approach. You have no control over people’s reactions to that. Nor are you responsible for them.

  44. Daria grace*

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a horrible family dynamic and that it’s getting in the way of what should be proud professional moments.

    Perhaps it would help to reframe it that speaking up ahead of time isn’t creating trouble, you’re being kind to the organisers by helping them prevent trouble. They want their event to be pleasant for everyone involved and not marred by needless awkwardness, you telling them what you need to feel comfortable is supporting them make the event the best it can viably be in the circumstances.

  45. Tiara Wearing Princess*

    My MIL was a narcissistic, selfish, pathological liar who could not have been more disinterested in her kids. We got a call from her after 10 months of silence (not that we minded) because a friend of hers saw us in a new car. It was obvious she felt foolish for not knowing anything about our lives.

    When she died there were over 400 people at her wake. Wave after wave of people telling us what a wonderful woman she was: so kind, helpful, caring. Some of them looked like they were going to cry. My husband and I were side eyeing each other as if to say who the heck are they talking about because we never met the woman they were talking about.

    I agree with those saying to make a simple request that you not be seated with that person and that you will not be available for any photos with that person. You don’t have to explain – they’ll figure it out.

  46. Coverage Associate*

    Mid sized events, like at a university as opposed to the Oscars or Kennedy Center Honors, I have observed have a photographer hired by the institution and only one or two local reporters. The organizers can tell their photographer there won’t be a father-son photo, and the organizers may know what reporters will come and can tell you. I wouldn’t contact the reporters directly, but if you have an agent, that’s another thing that they can finesse.
    And while I love AAM, if you do have an agent or a PR contact at your publisher or the like, you should ask them for advice too.

  47. Wendy*

    As an event planner, it would be no big deal to receive an email about seating requests and accommodate it. In fact, I’d want to know because I don’t have any intention of making people uncomfortable and I appreciate someone letting me know about issues I can’t foresee. Same with pics. Let the event planner know.

    1. Flibbergibbit*

      This is really helpful advice from someone in this industry. I’d wonder too about making such requests. Makes sense to try to mitigate issues from nominated award recipients and other presenter/stakeholders.

  48. When Is Retirement?*

    I like the idea of reaching out and keeping it simple and saying you prefer to sit far apart for reasons that are private. Short and sweet. And hugs to you. My father is not a public figure but was/is deeply beloved by many who had and have a very different experience with him than the sometimes terrifying one my brothers and I grew up with.

  49. Chidi Anna Kendrick*

    I used to work in fine arts administration and my organization once booked the Famous Son of a Very Famous Woman for a highly publicized performance. Famous Son had it in his rider that we were not to mention his mother. None of us in the org thought it was weird or stirring shit. Are provisions regarding your father an option for you? I can guarantee that the folks running the event will be dealing with weirder things that night.
    Side note: I’m estranged from my mother and have been for years. She’s not any kind of famous and it’s still hard. Mad respect for you for taking care of yourself first, and hugs. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

  50. Azure Jane Lunatic*

    Depending on the industry — if your father has a publicist, or an agent, or a knowable public point of contact — you could possibly ask them for some business cards, or get some no-frills cards printed up with the public-facing contact information. You could then meet good wishes for him with something like “How generous of you to say, let me give you his [agent]’s information.”

  51. ThatOtherClare*

    Oh my dear letter writer, I am so very sorry.

    It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that any celebrity was a domestic abuser. Some people entertain others because they love to bring joy, others because they are utterly self centred and enjoy the constant praise. A deeply self centred person being unable to recognise and respect the humanity of those around them isn’t a shocking outcome to me.

    But anyway, your dirtbag Dad has already taken up far too much of my time, so I’d like to drop him like a warm turd and move on to a far more interesting topic of conversation now – you.

    You’re up for an award! Congratulations! Even just being an award finalist is a huge deal, so well done! Your hard work and dedication are being recognised, and you’ve earned the right to relax and have a brilliant celebration evening. Make sure you get some pictures of the nice venue and go back for seconds on anything extra tasty, ok? If you win, remember that thanking a few extra people is better than forgetting anyone; and if you don’t, remember that awards are no fun without an audience, and you’re being an awesome person for just being there and helping bring joy to others. No matter what, I don’t doubt that, with your fortitude and your persistence, you’ll be on an awards stage some time soon. Enjoy the opportunity to dress up in something impractical, stand proud amongst your peers, and be part of a fun event. I am so proud of you, sweet pea. You’ve done well. Have a great time, don’t take yourself or anyone else too seriously, and snarfle something tasty for me (if the event is catered).

    Don’t forget to send us an update on your magnificence some time after the ceremony, ok? We’ll be waiting to hear back!

  52. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

    if you consider “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” child endangerment

    I absolutely would consider that child endangerment, especially if (as I suspect) there was no pedestrian walkway or barrier between said child and the road.

    You have my sympathy. As Alison said, just stating you’re not close and advising the organisers that you don’t want to be on the same table or in joint photos should be enough.

  53. Hannah Lee*

    LW, so sorry you went through that as a child, and so sorry you’re having to deal with the echos of it now.

    I was in a similar situation with my father. He was a much beloved public figure. Many many people adored him. He was not a good father, parent to any of his children (including similar ‘left by the side of the road to slog miles home’ incidents). As an adult I went low contact and then no contact with him because he continued to be manipulative and unkind to me and other family members.

    What has worked for me when faced with random strangers who adore him, had positive experiences with him is to be aware that in most cases people are so caught up in their own stuff that they don’t really care what my reality was/is. And trying to explain it to strangers doesn’t end well (for me … it dregs up old stuff, leads some to argue or blame me for whatever, distracts me from whatever I was there for)

    So I take a 2 pronged approach:

    1) focus on them and their experience – “I’m so glad you had someone to guide you when you needed it” etc People always like to talk about themselves.

    2) be truthful to my experience … meaning I only say things that are true. But I’m also not required to tell them all my life details. So when they ask what he was like as a father I may say “oh he was a good xyz (his profession)” which he was, so it’s true. Most people don’t care or even notice that I didn’t answer the question. Or a vague “he was different at home” Or I might say blandly “he wasn’t around much, I haven’t seen him recently” both true, and then finish with pleasantries and move on.

    Before any event where his name might come up, or I might have run into him, I always think through “What do I want from this event? What’s my goal here?” and it’s never been “publicly declare his awfulness and try to convince strangers they are wrong about him” or “make a point to obviously shun him” or “make a scene until he admits he was awful” or “be as forthcoming, sharing as I would be in a therapy session” Instead it’s usually to minimize contact with him, be courteous to strangers who had nothing to do with his parental failings, and get on with my day with my head held high.

    If it were a situation where his actions as a father indicated he’d harm other people or had committed crimes, I’d be more motivated to with share the full truth about my experiences. But that’s not the case, so my approach is to minimize contact, minimize his involvement in my current life and move on.

    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      This all sounds like great advice. I’d particularly flag the note about being clear to yourself about your goals. You have a lot of power here, LW. You don’t have to be friendly with him. Nobody can force you to pose for a picture with him. “Oh, no thanks” and “I’d rather not” are acceptable responses. You don’t have to explain yourself.

  54. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    For those random encounters with his fans, another option is to say you’ll pass on their regards the next time you speak to him. Just don’t mention that “next time” = never.

  55. HesaBadDad*

    As someone who oversees the planning of dozens of high-profile events annually, I can 100% assure you OP that mentioning this to the organizers will basically guarantee that you will not need to interact with your father. They will do it discreetly and professionally and without question.

  56. Sihaya*

    Folks already have an idea about their relationship; that’s why they’re both competing for the same award. The producers know there’s a heartwarming story if they’re a loving family, and a drama if they’re estranged, but either way it gets people paying attention to the awards.

    Assert what you want for separation, and keep all your reactions neutral. Don’t feed the drama beast to your own personal and professional detriment.

  57. Camilla Hect*

    I’m so sorry, OP – you have my sincere sympathies. I hope some of Alison’s advice is actionable for you, and that you have the time and energy to use it to make this event better.

    I work in finance, and my work happens to be catty-corner to both of my (now-retired) parents, who made some genuinely huge impacts to both the industry in general and my firm specifically. My coworkers now include some of my father’s (20+) year customers and business partners. One of my direct team members was my father’s admin. My mother specialized primarily in mutual funds, and wrote the COBOL code a lot of shops still use to run those transactions. They’re both Big Deals where I work.

    My parents were also largely emotionally abusive – my father did get physical with us, but it was rarer as I got older. Their behavior ranged from “Really Strict But Normative Parent Stuff” all the way up to “This Would Not Be Believable From Cartoon Villains” and as an adult, I was finally able to totally step away. We haven’t spoken for three years and I don’t intend for that to change.

    All of that to say – this fucking sucks! I know how unreal it can feel to be in a conversation about a parent and hear them described as a TOTAL STRANGER because of how funny and great this person thinks they are. It’s so frustrating, and a lot of the time it feels like there’s nothing I can do – if I lie, I maintain the reputations that my parents worked so hard on, but if I even hint at the truth I’m the one that takes the hit.

    Ultimately, I’ve chosen the lie. In my case, these are folks I’ll have to work with for years – if I stay with this firm, for decades – and I can’t afford to come across as cold or unreasonable in a job that’s dependent on soft skills.

    It helps me to keep in mind that my coworkers are trying to be genuinely kind, to bond over a person that they have no reason to imagine that we’re not both equally fond of. This is them trying to build a relationship with a new coworker, and they’re easily redirected to talking about their own families after they ask after mine. It just feels really heavy, and I wanted you to know that – if nothing else – I feel a pain that’s like yours. I hope you find a solution for this event and all of the others like it that can give you more peace.

  58. PrincessClutter*

    Congratulations on your nomination for an award!

    I plan events. If I received an email asking to NOT point out familial connections, and building a special photo op, you can guarantee I’d be all over managing that boundary well for the party involved. I’ve done similar, and explicitly built seating charts and programs to keep people well distanced. I would hope that a simple email to a key organizer of the event logistics would be equally well-received.

  59. rubble*

    I know this probably wouldn’t work for you because it sounds like everyone knows he has a kid with your name in your industry, but if it were me I’d seriously consider flat out denying he’s your father and saying that you just have the same surname. imho it’s not a lie, abusive parents should lose the title – the *honour* – of being mum or dad.

  60. St Krispin*

    If it’s any help, as a random non interested party, my assumption would be that you want to establish your career on your own merits without seeming to ride your father’s coattails and I would be vaguely approving, if factually incorrect. Good luck and I wish you the best at this awards dinner!

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