weekend open thread – November 2-3, 2024

by Alison Green on November 1, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: All I’ve been able to read this past month have been comfort re-reads — mostly Elinor Lipman and Barbara Pym. This week it was Pym’s Crampton Hodnet, in which gossip and romance disrupt the sedate pace of life for an elderly woman and her paid companion.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    Reply ↓
      1. Leaving academia*

        Yes! My sister got a second cat last weekend and has been sending many videos to the family group chat. The boys were already acting like littermates by Monday, and the older/original cat (18 months) seems to be doing a good job as big brother teaching the rambunctious teen to play less rough…and relinquish the best squirrel watching spot.

        Reply ↓
    3. Mom of Two Littles*

      Trick-or-treating yesterday was adorable and actually fun. We went with a few families and it made it more enjoyable for the kids, and me as well.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        We got no one, as usual, but I happened to go by the library right at the time the preschoolers were gathering for some event, and so there were all these little knee high dragons and princesses and pirates.

        Reply ↓
    5. word nerd*

      Working as a poll worker last Sunday during early voting was really heartening! The required mix of R&Ds worked well together and respectfully; all the voters who showed up were pleasant despite how slow we were at getting them checked in (printing ballots on demand). It felt great to answer questions and help people vote when there’s so much misinformation about there. A sweet older couple who were immigrants came in and voted for the first time after becoming US citizens in September. Lots of families with young kids. Balm for the soul during these times y’all. Oh yeah, I’m also in Michigan and we have hilarious voting stickers this year.

      Reply ↓
      1. Manders*

        Oh yes, those voting stickers are awesome!! And thanks for doing this important community service – we all appreciate you!

        Reply ↓
    6. Mitchell Hundred*

      I went to a potluck organized by someone in the ace/aro meetup group I’m part of. We ate delicious autumnal food, binged all of “Over The Garden Wall”, and played Jackbox games. Great fun.

      Reply ↓
    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I have a neighbor who goes all out with both Halloween and Christmas decorations (different displays every year). This year they did a combo with a bunch of life size skeletons doing things like hanging Christmas lights and kissing under mistletoe, and the person answered the door in a full Santa costume paired with a skull mask that totally covered their face. I’m curious to see if they keep this stuff up through December or swap it for something else! I just enjoy seeing other people so openly enjoy things.

      Reply ↓
    8. RLC*

      I’ve been away for a few days and bird feeders and water went empty in my absence. Yesterday morning I opened my back door to find six quail expectantly staring at me. They’re part of a clutch hatched in my garden last spring – have enjoyed watching them grow from fluffball hatchlings to handsome adults. Immediately filled feeders and water, of course!

      Reply ↓
    9. Valancy Stirling*

      A student told me I’m his favorite teacher, and another’s mother told my sister that her kid loves me.

      Reply ↓
    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      I got to watch a black bear in the Sierra! We stopped and kept our distance so we could watch him meandering and sniffing the ground. When he realized we were there, we and the bear stared at each other for a bit. He decided he didn’t want to be near us and shuffled off.

      I was glad to see the bear was appropriately fat to hibernate through the winter. The day after we left, the area had the first snow of the season.

      Reply ↓
  3. Venus*

    I’m planning to quit volunteering for a group that I strongly believe in, and I’m not sure how to deal with the guilt and am looking for suggestions.

    It’s a smaller charity, with maybe 20-30 people who mostly do a bit of volunteering. A couple years ago the founder got sick and a few of us helped her out by responding to emails from the public who contact the charity to ask for help. We organized schedules, and continued to do it by rotating that role amongst ourselves. Unfortunately it became clear a few months after the illness that the founder will never be well, and would really struggle to do the emails, yet they are obviously critical to connect those who need help with the volunteers who love what they do.

    I’ve been unhappy about the emails but kept doing them out of guilt. Yet I had the “Would you be okay doing this in 5 years?” thought last week, and the answer is no. I don’t even mind the emails too much, but the founder is old and has been somewhat inconsistent with her responses or sometimes doesn’t make critical time-sensitive decisions so I’ve been at BEC point with her since shortly after the illness and I can’t cope anymore. It’s one of the best charities of its kind in the city and she used to be much better, so I will also really miss doing the main part of the volunteer work and I’ll plan to stay around to help bake for fundraisers (I have thought about going back to being a regular volunteer but I need some space from the founder first).

    Yet I feel guilty for the other volunteers who do the emails, because it’s going to increase their workload. Any suggestions?
    As I wrote this out I got the idea that I could offer to do it rarely to give them a bit of a break. Maybe I’ll come up with more ideas now that it’s written down!

    Reply ↓
    1. Strive to Excel*

      It sounds like you and the other volunteers have been keeping a stopgap management measure going and it’s burning you out. So: is it the work itself that’s burning you out? Or is it having to pick up extra from the founder?

      Because it sounds like it’s time for you and the other volunteers to sit down with her and have a really hard conversation. Whether or not *you* keep doing the emails (and it sounds like founder or no founder this specific task is one you are burnt out on!), there needs to be a formal transfer of decision making authority and possibly an official email person.

      In lieu of that, it’s totally reasonable to say “for reasons of my own health, I need to step back from doing the email portion. I’ll still be volunteering/baking/(insert whatever tasks you still *want* to do here), but let me know who will be taking over my role as email person”. Volunteering for a charity is not the same as volunteering to run a charity. That’s why so many not for profits have paid or at least partially compensated staff as well as volunteers – because it’s a lot easier to find someone to volunteer a couple hours a week than it is to get a steady bookkeeper. Or manager, or marketer, or planner, etc etc etc.

      TL;DR – if you have the spoons, talk to the founder and your fellow volunteers about officially transferring management roles. But otherwise don’t feel guilty about stepping away from management roles into regular volunteering and don’t feel like you need to leave.

      Reply ↓
      1. RedinSC*

        THis is really it. You all have to talk with the founder to have a real plan in place for transition. In fact, the board should be doing this, but if they don’t know how much people are helping, they probably should hear that.

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    2. CanadaGoose*

      Don’t assume the other volunteers feel the same way! You’re assuming that since you are feeling _____ about the emails, the others are too. But they may be just fine. It’s also not your problem to manage. Your availability for this work has ended, and you’ll be contributing to the world in other ways – including by taking better care of your emotional health. Guilt is a signal that you feel you’re not doing what you’re supposed to. But you weren’t supposed to be doing this stopgap help for the founder at all, or for very long. Stopping is part of what you agreed to when you started. If you approach people like they’re going to be reasonable and respect your boundaries, they likely will.

      Reply ↓
    3. Moving on up...*

      Are there other similar places you might volunteer related to the same cause? It sounds like you’re burnt out and need a change.

      Reply ↓
  4. Grandma Mazur*

    I’m curious to know about people’s favourite quick/mid-week recipes. Not just any old thing – what’s the one (slightly unusual or off the beaten track) meal you find yourself coming back to, for whatever reason (and what is that reason) I am specifying recipes (I appreciate there’s no real hard and fast line, but in general I mean “more complex than a tveggie traybake”/”someone has gone to the trouble of working out the proportions of spices in this dish”)

    for a long time mine was this one from Thomasina Miers: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/12/one-pot-penne-pasta-lentils-tomato-kale-easy-recipe-thomasina-miers

    but it has recently been eclipsed by this Rukmini Iyer recipe: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/food/2024/oct/07/quick-and-easy-spiced-black-bean-and-tomato-soup-with-avocado-and-lime-recipe-rukmini-iyer
    it’s just so simple and yet hits my need for a bit of sophistication and the kids’ desire to not see an obvious vegetable :D (tomatoes don’t count, apparently. and avocadoes are a fruit).

    Reply ↓
    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Smitten Kitchen’s Skillet Turkey Chili. Really satisfying, has vegetables and protein, after the turkey rests on stuff I have in the pantry.

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    3. Dark Macadamia*

      HelloFresh has one called One-Pan Toscana Couscous Skillet that I have yet to get tired of. It’s super satisfying, made with chicken sausage and pretty easy (just dump various things in the skillet on their own, then all together) so I make it quite a bit when the weather gets chilly.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sitting Pretty*

        One-pot or one-pan dishes are an absolute game-changer! I make one with noodles and either chicken or turkey sausage plus whatever other things I need to use up in the fridge, and it turns out just about great every time.

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    4. Jackalope*

      I like what I call Everything Pasta. I pick a type of pasta (usually penne, macaroni, or farfalle), make a basic white cheese sauce, and then add whatever needs using up. For the cheese sauce I use all of my different kinds of cheese (I like to buy a variety), and for the rest I’ll do any quick veggies I have on hand, maybe some meat if I have it already cooked (like from a rotisserie chicken or a chicken I roasted), etc. It’s great, always a bit different, and helps clear out the fridge.

      Reply ↓
    5. Jay*

      Scrambled eggs with cottage cheese and chives.
      Maybe some diced ham or sausage mixed in there, if I’m feeling fancy.
      Simple, filling, tasty, and I’ve usually got just about everything hanging around the fridge anyway.

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    6. Frodo*

      Eric Kim’s Miso Roasted Salmon is quick, easy and flavorful. The recipe calls for a 24 hour marinade but I marinate for less than an hour. White miso is in many grocery stores, so you don’t need to go to a specialty market.

      Reply ↓
    7. Sitting Pretty*

      Rainbow Plant Life’s Butternut Squash and Chickpea Curry. I swear I could eat it 3x a day and never get tired of it!

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    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I dunno if this qualifies as “a recipe” but — I drop a couple of salmon fillets into the sous-vide bin about an hour before dinner is planned, then after 50 minutes I throw a bag of PF Chang’s frozen teriyaki broccoli (if I have it; otherwise plain broccoli or green beans or whatever) into the microwave to steam, then a 90-second microwave packet of brown rice. I mix the rice and veg (plus some additional teriyaki sauce if needed) in a bowl, split it into two servings, and turn out a salmon fillet into each serving. Very satisfying teriyaki salmon bowl, reasonably healthy, and low effort. (If we didn’t have the sous vide I could do the fish in the air fryer in about 15 minutes instead of the hour, but the sous vide is easier to not overcook it. It’s a tossup really.)

      I do the same kind of thing with tilapia instead of the salmon, a Spanish rice packet instead of the brown rice, and a can of black beans and a can of chili-ready tomatoes instead of the frozen veg — fish taco bowl. (My husband usually puts avocado in his too if we have it but I cannot, sigh.) Or I keep pre-cooked frozen salad shrimp in my freezer, and those can quickly and easily defrost and go into either of these. Basically weeknight dinner is usually “what can I throw together with a minimum of time and effort” :P

      Reply ↓
    9. goddessoftransitory*

      My fallbacks include Welsh Rarebit and tomato soup, cacio e pepe pasta, Marry Me cannellini beans (sooooo tasty) and things like burritos.

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    10. ThatGirl*

      Serious Eats Street Cart Chicken, with the caveat that it needs to be marinated ahead of time, but that takes about 5-10 minutes the night before.

      I rarely make anything too time consuming on weeknights, but mostly I don’t use recipes – I put together my own chili or roasted tomato soup or chicken tacos or what have you.

      Reply ↓
    11. GT*

      I get a lot of mileage out of kimbap and it works well for me on a tight budget. Super easy meal once you get the hang of rolling it up. I like egg, beef bulgogi (I buy this pre-marinated from my local Asian grocery), pickled radish (Asian grocery also), and kimchi in mine. I fry the egg and beef while the rice cooks and wash some dishes if I’ve got time to spare. Serve with soy sauce, miso soup (~2 mins active time to prepare), and a beverage of choice (I like milk tea or lemonade). Making this takes about 30 mins in all, but YMMV if you have a larger appetite than me and want a heavier lunch.

      Reply ↓
  5. Mom of Two Littles*

    This is silly, and Halloween re-ignited a debate. But AAM-readers, which candy is the worst between Almond Joy and Three Musketeers? When I would trick-or-treat, one of these would be the very last uneaten chocolate in my candy stash by mid-November. I won’t say my vote yet, but curious about you all.

    Reply ↓
      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh geez, I got so hung up on the ALMOND YUCK that I forgot about the coconut. Double yuck.

        Reply ↓
        1. word nerd*

          IT’S JOY NOT YUCK!! ;)

          I feel like we need to work in the same office with a candy bowl, like the recent letter talking about Starburst flavors were the LW liked the flavors that another colleague was leaving behind.

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          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            That’s the way to do it, yo. If everyone eating out of the candy bowl likes the same thing, that way lies madness. If everyone has a different favorite, the candy bowl is much more peaceful, and you get ALLLLL the coconut to stick to your teeth and I can have ALLLLLL the squooshy nougat. Everybody wins. :)

            But if you are also going to go digging for anything Reese’s, we might have issues. (I don’t like nut bits, but smooth peanut butter and chocolate is a win for me.)

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    2. word nerd*

      Almond Joy is one of my faves (I love coconut) and I hate 3 Musketeers–I don’t think I would even eat a bar if someone offered me $10 to do it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sitting Pretty*

        You’re not alone! So few people give it out because coconut is so reviled. But when I see it in my kid’s bucket, I get so happy. No one else in the house is going to want it so that means more for me!

        Reply ↓
      1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

        Same here. When I was a kid, the worst candies were Mary Jane or Bit ‘O Honey. Those seem to have been phased out, so I probably was not alone in that opinion.

        Reply ↓
        1. Candy!!*

          My son had a Bit O’ Honey in his truck or treat bag this year and I exclaimed “oh my god! These are the worst. I can’t believe they still sell these and give them out!” Turns out he chose it among the candies in the bowl because he had never seen it before and it was different from the usual candies. Lol.

          Almond Joys are one of my favs. Peanut butter cups are at the top, but I’d say Almond Joys are probably a close second or third choice.

          Reply ↓
    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Worst is 100% Almond Joy. But I don’t like nuts (or subsequently any candy with nuts) and 3 Musketeers is one of my top choice candy bars – in fact, there’s a full sized one on my end table for me to snack on sometime this weekend. :)

      Reply ↓
    5. FalsePremise*

      Three Musketeers is one of my very favorite candy bars. I will choose it over almost anything else. I used to loathe Almond Joy and Mounds – I am not a big coconut person – but now I will eat them if nothing I like better is around.

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    7. Scholarly Publisher*

      While both are inferior to Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, I will still cheerfully eat either when my blood sugar allows.

      Reply ↓
    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Hah, I actually like both of them! But of the two I’d say Three Musketeers–I’ve gotten to the stage where two bites of that filling is satiety level.

      Reply ↓
    10. Bluebell Brenham*

      I like both but think Reese’s cups are gross, so I can happily coexist w coconut haters. We had a mix of candy last night, but I felt bad for the kiddo who was searching for a $100k bar- that was one thing we didn’t have!

      Reply ↓
    12. GoryDetails*

      I love Almond Joy. Can eat Three Musketeers but it’s not a personal favorite. Back when there were trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood I’d buy Almond Joy bars so that I could enjoy the leftovers.

      Reply ↓
      1. California Dreamin’*

        lol, I was eating Whoppers out of the bowl last night and one of my teenagers was like why on earth are you eating those.

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    14. MissGirl*

      I actually have empirical evidence for this and it’s neither. My coworker left a giant bowl of candy out on her porch. Several hours later, all that was left was were lots of Whoppers.

      Reply ↓
    15. California Dreamin’*

      Almond Joy is the worst. I like Three Musketeers a lot, but I assume we can all agree that Reese’s is actually the best.

      Reply ↓
      1. California Dreamin’*

        Actually, glancing at the state of our candy bowl from last night would suggest that perhaps Milk Duds are the worst?

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    17. Ochre*

      Hot take part 1: all of them taste like wax to me now. Did they change the chocolate or is it me?

      Hot take part 2: Of the mass-market fun-size chocolate bars, Snickers are actually the worst, but I am a “save the good stuff for last” person so I would eat them first if I couldn’t foist them off on someone who would like them. I don’t mind Three Musketeers or Almond Joy so maybe we can trade. Best= Payday, assuming you’re not allergic to peanuts. Or salt.

      Reply ↓
  6. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs!

    I just finished Be a Revolution by Ijeoma Oluo. It was a wonderful book, although slow going because I had to think about everything, and helped me feel less hopeless about the world that I have lately because of *vague hand wave at world issues*. And now I’m reading We Will Be Jaguars by Nemonte Nenquimo, who is a member of one of the tribes in Ecuador’s Amazon rainforest. It’s her memoir and a memoir of her tribe, including growing up in a small village in the forest, dealing with missionaries, fighting oil companies, and trying to figure out what she wants her life to be. I’m enjoying it a lot so far, although CW sexual assault.

    Reply ↓
    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I love Ijeoma’s writing, I keep forgetting to pick that one up. She’s so good at the balance between honest and uplifting.

      I finished The Witch’s Daughter, which got less enjoyable as I went. Excited to try some of the other witchy suggestions people gave me last week!

      I’m hoping to finish Sabriel this weekend, it’s a re-read that was already going slowly but then I both joined a book club and got really busy, so I haven’t gotten back to it for awhile.

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Hero by Thomas Perry. Thriller about a bodyguard who shoots two people attempting an ambush on her clients, who winds up being hunted across LA by the thugs’ employer. This was well executed, and I like that bodyguard and assassin were pretty evenly matched, and limited financial resources for hiding was a limiting factor on her options.

      Inspired by last week’s thread, I decided to reread Murder with Peacocks, the first Meg Langslow mystery. Who wouldn’t want to spend their summer planning three weddings?

      Reply ↓
    3. word nerd*

      For Audible members who like John Scalzi, there was a short Audible original by him released last month called Constituent Service that was entertaining and included as part of the Audible membership. Nothing terribly deep, but Scalzi is always fun.

      I gave up on Claire Lombardo’s Same as It Ever Was 35% in. The main character spent the entire time wallowing and the marriage dynamic did not feel realistic at all. Lots of meh books for me this week.

      Reply ↓
    4. Teapot Translator*

      I read The Queen of Poisons by Robert Thorogood (third in the Marlow Murder Club). Do not recommend.
      I also read The Spy Coast by Tess Gerritsen. It was OK, but not really my type of book.

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    5. Mitchell Hundred*

      I have very few obligations this weekend, so I’ll probably spend a good chunk of it burning through “The Will to Change” by bell hooks. I also want to reread Come Prima by Alfred, which is a comic that I love dearly.

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    6. Q. T. Pie*

      Just finished reading Kevin MacDonald’s Culture of Critique. I’m not 100 percent sold on some of it but I thought it was a pretty good read. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone interested in psychology.

      Reply ↓
    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Just starting Stephen King’s latest collection, You Like It Darker–like JUST just, I’m three pages into the first story–but am already intrigued.

      At work I’m toting the previously mentioned The Ghost Variations and the essay collection Ecstasy and Effrontery back and forth. Now that my October reading is over I have to finish up a bunch of new stuff before December Reading starts!

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    8. Scholarly Publisher*

      I’ve been rereading Kerry Greenwood’s Phyrne Fisher mysteries. My first read of #21, Death in Daylesford, I had a lot of trouble getting into it; on this reading I liked it a little better, though I still found it one of her weaker books.

      I now have #22, Murder in Williamstown, out from the library. So far, it’s okay, but I’m finding the many plot threads hard to keep up with, though I assume they’ll come together later.

      I’m also reading Who’s Sorry Now?, #2 in Maggie Robinson’s Lady Adelaide mysteries. So far, so good.

      Reply ↓
    9. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I’ve been on a children’s book kick this week with indigenous authors – Healer of the Water Monster by Brian Young (Navajo/Dine), where a young boy spends this summer with his grandmother on the Navajo Reservation and meets Navajo Holy Beings and helps with his uncle’s serious problems; Sisters of the Neversea by Cynthia Leteich Smith (Muskogee Creek), a retelling of Peter Pan with a darker Peter Pan; and Eagle Drums by Nasugraq Rainey Hopson (Iñupiaq), which retells the creation story for the Messenger Feast. I’m currently reading Elatesoe by Darcie Little Badger (Lipan Apache), about a Lipan girl who can raise ghosts (her dead dog’s ghost is a constant companion). So far, this one seems darker than the others I’ve been reading, but the are all good.

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    11. chocolate muffins*

      Almost done with The Sentence by Louise Erdrich. The first half was kind of meh for me but once the narrative gets to COVID, the book has resonated a lot more. I was reading this before bed one night and woke up the next morning feel devastated without being able to figure out why, until I remembered what I had been reading and realized that I felt similarly to how I felt in March 2020. Plus the list of reading suggestions at the end has given me a lot of other ideas for things to read.

      Have you all read any good books that address COVID? Tom Lake is another one that comes to mind immediately for me that I very much liked. Also a book whose title and author I can’t remember, about a … doctor? medical student? … who works a whole lot and is about to go on a mandated vacation when COVID hits. COVID happens just at the very end of the book but you know the entire book that it’s coming, which makes the whole thing read differently. Very much liked that one as well despite my lack of memory for anything that would help anyone else find this novel!

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      1. ThatGirl*

        There’s a Jodi Picoult book that took me back. Wish You Were Here. Woman decides to go on a trip just as covid starts and gets stranded.

        Reply ↓
  7. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs! As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My spouse let me do a “walking tour” with one of their high-level characters in LOTRO (Lord of the Rings Online). It was amazing looking, at least the bits that I saw, and I’m considering making my own character to try it out. Has anyone else here played LOTRO? Any thoughts? I’ve never played an MMO before, so not sure what to expect.

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    1. Literally a Cat*

      Re: Slay The Princess on Switch: don’t get it. It is so buggy that you physically cannot finish the game.

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    2. SparklingBlue*

      Play a minstrel on LOTRO! Their main mode of attack is a war cry that can do major damage–plus you get to play instruments, and teach others to do so

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  8. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Good:
    The Boy and the Heron, a Miyazaki I hadn’t heard about. A boy goes into a spirit world to rescue his step mother. Dreamlike and lovely, except for the truly terrifying toothed heron.
    Finished Season 4 of Only Murders in the Building. This show is right in my happy place. I love the unfolding plot, the dynamic between the characters, and the experimental storytelling bits.

    Not so good:
    Finished Season 4 of The Boys. A lot of spurting body fluids; very little plot.
    I gave The Union a shot–hey, I love Halle Berry–but the opening spy mission that goes wrong was so incredibly stupid I couldn’t invest in the fate of anyone from this spy organization.

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    1. Teapot Translator*

      I finished watching New Tricks, a British crime show. It was entertaining, but it did lose steam by the last season and it has the usual cop show flaws.

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    2. goddessoftransitory*

      Finishing up the third season of Vox Machina–I really like it, way more than I thought I would (I’m not a DnD person.) The voice cast is marvelous.

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    3. GoryDetails*

      All the latest “Great [insert country here] Baking Show” episodes! The British one is on Netflix, new episodes dropping on Fridays. I’ve found the most recent seasons of the Canadian and Australian ones on YouTube or DailyMotion, and love the variety of contestants, scenery, wildlife, regional flavors, and accents.

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  9. anon for this*

    This is a bit small and silly, but does anyone else deal with an overload of affection for old and well-loved possessions? I have a hard time replacing worn things. It just feels as if I have a ton of gratitude for the specific older items that have stuck by me through all these moves and all my adventures. As if we have a history together. Lately this has been increasingly obvious to me, and I’ve been wondering if I should put some effort into reframing my mindset.

    I don’t think I’m in danger of hoarding (I read a book about the psychology of hoarding and most of it was unfamiliar to me), but I notice that when I send totally unusable old clothes to textile recycling, I feel guilty, as though I acted really callously instead of honoring a beloved object properly. (I should note that the beloved objects in question don’t seem to have any strong feelings about this one way or the other.)

    Marie Kondo demonstrating how to thank old things before donating them helped me a bit, but if anyone has any relevant anecdotes or advice, I’m open to those. Feeling like I’m committing acts of abandonment is something I recognize as an exaggeration, but it’s uncomfortable.

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    1. Laggy Lu*

      My mom does have hoarder tendencies and the guilt part is a big thing for her. I would say, if you can still give those items away, but recognize your feelings, you are OK. It’s OK to fool how you feel, just don’t let it cause irrational behavior.

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    2. Sitting Pretty*

      I remember reading about the coffee-mug-or-chocolate-bar study on the endowment effect, and it really changed my view on the value I place on the objects in my life. A lot of the value of our possessions is simply because we own them, not because of any inherent quality.

      Recognizing that I would never select X thing if given the choice now really helps me let go. I can still retain the memory of X thing and whatever experiences I had with it. But my closets are not archives, I don’t have the space for that! I want to make room to choose the chocolate bar, metaphorically speaking.

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    3. CanadaGoose*

      The thanking ritual is lovely. Your story here referenced history together, including adventures. Perhaps you want to start capturing a few key related memories in writing rather than in the item. Think: writing a grateful goodbye letter in your journal, so you can return to the memory of adventure with the item later, but don’t need the item as a prompt for the memories any more.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        I’ve heard the suggestion maybe stage a fun or beautiful photo shoot that honors the item so you can let go of it; you’ll always have that great photo with your dog or whatever to remember the good times.

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    5. Not A Manager*

      I don’t feel that way about EVERYTHING, so most things I do just give away/recycle as needed. But some things I just don’t want to let go of. I have a mug that the handle snapped off of. I glued it back on, but I don’t want to run it through the dishwasher, or risk the handle coming off while it’s full of coffee. I put small cuttings in it until they’re ready to transplant. Most tee shirts I can get rid of, but my few old favorites I keep under my sink and use them to dry my hair. I even have some dust rags that are leftover from old clothes and sheets, and I still recognize them and they make me happy (but I’m not sad to eventually throw them away).

      Reply ↓
    6. RagingADHD*

      I mean, Marie Kondo isn’t God and minimalism isn’t the One True Way of existing.

      If your stuff works and you like it, or even if it doesn’t work and you have space for it without being crowded or unhygienic, there is no law that you must replace or get rid of it just on principle.

      Life is full of problems already. If this isn’t actually creating a problem, let it be. You don’t have to do things just because someone else thinks you should.

      Reply ↓
      1. Shipbuilding Techniques*

        Whoa, I love this comment. I think a minimalist environment would make me more anxious than my clutter, tbh. A happy medium might be nice, though.

        Reply ↓
  10. Mitchell Hundred*

    The Boy and the Heron is a new Miyazaki, that’s probably why you hadn’t heard about it. They pulled Ghibli’s animation equipment out of mothballs to make it.

    Anyway, I’m rewatching Anatomy of a Murder. It’s a courtroom drama, but instead of trying to find The Truth, the narrative tension comes from lawyers trying to frame the agreed-upon facts in a way that suits their ends.

    Reply ↓
  11. Weekend Warrior*

    Comfort Rereads is a very important category of books. Like Alison, Barbara Pym is one of my favourites for this role. I also love many other mid-century British women novelists, Elizabeth Taylor for example, or Barbara Comyns to dial up the weird. Anne Tyler or Alice Hoffman among Americans; Robertson Davies for CanCon (Canadian content), as well as local (BC coastal) mystery writer L.R. Wright. You just know a book called “A Chill Rain In January” is going to deliver. :)

    What are others’ comfort authors or books?

    Reply ↓
    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine, for starters; I just adore the imagery. The Shirley Jackson collection Come Along With Me. Anne Lamott’s novel Joe Jones. Lots of my old YA collection.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sloanicota*

        Agree that if I’m really feeling nostalgic / need to bring the tears or warm fuzzies, I’m reaching for YA. Anne of Green Gables or Little Women are reliable choices to get into an emotional space and hang out there for a while.

        Reply ↓
    2. Shipbuilding Techniques*

      If I really need comfort, I read Little House on the Prairie books.

      Another book that I have read many times that always makes me laugh is Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis. Talk about dysfunctional supervisor/supervisee relationships! I have an old pocket paperback with a goofy painting of the main character on the cover, which adds to its comfort factor.

      Reply ↓
    3. Valancy Stirling*

      Pride and Prejudice, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, and Lucy Parker’s London Celebrities series are some of mine.

      Reply ↓
  12. Streaming TV*

    I’m about to buy a TV after a lengthy interval of not having one. For home entertainment I mainly listen to news and music on the radio, watch free youtube music videos, and read, but now I will have many more options. I know I’ll want to subscribe to some streaming services but I don’t know which ones, and I am hoping AAM readers can provide some suggestions.

    I think I would enjoy watching news/opinion programs that are not Fox, classic movies, British series of the Masterpiece Theatre sort, and intelligent comedy including romantic comedy. Which streaming services are good for that kind of content?

    Reply ↓
    1. goddessoftransitory*

      Amazon Prime can get you Acorn, PBS, and other “Masterpiece Theater” stuff, along with tons of old movies.

      Reply ↓
    2. Sloanicota*

      To be fair, I get pretty good coverage with rabbit ears of the most basic channels; there are more networks than ever that mostly show reruns of old favorites (24 hour marathons of procedurals is pretty standard on multiple networks now) and you can also get PBS pretty easily. Just putting it out there.

      Reply ↓
  13. Not That Jane*

    My mom loved Barbara Pym’s novels; they were one of the few things that could always make her chortle with laughter. I tried a few, but I think I wasn’t ready to get the humor.

    It would be her 75th birthday today, and she’s been gone for almost 18 years. So. Thanks for reminding me of her and nudging me to check out Barbara Pym again :)

    Reply ↓
  14. Saturday*

    Does anyone have a recipe for chana masala that comes out well? I’ve tried a couple, and they just weren’t right. Or if you have tips for making it work, that would be appreciated too!

    Reply ↓
    2. HannahS*

      Swasthi’s Kitchen is my go-to. Her kitchen tools and mine are fairly different but I find I can adapt the methods.

      Reply ↓
  15. Wonder Woman's Tiara*

    I’m now exactly a week away from having a hysterectomy and beginning to mildly freak out. I’ve never had any kind of surgery before and I won’t know (amd nor will the surgeon) if it can be done as keyhole surgery until after it’s happened!

    Not looking for medical tips but does anyone have any tips, recommendations, suggestions, etc. for recovery? In particular, not panicking too much beforehand or dying of boredom afterwards?

    Reply ↓
    1. Esprit de l'escalier*

      For the not panicking too much part, I’ll pass on advice I got from a friend that’s been helpful to me. The idea is that when you find yourself persistently worrying about something, you tell yourself “This is not happening now or imminently, so it is not real now — it’s just a thought in my mind. I don’t need to fret about something that isn’t real.” This doesn’t mean “don’t plan for future events”; rather it focuses on the pointlessness of worrying about them.

      Reply ↓
    2. I didn't say banana*

      Some advice that I found helpful when I was stuck in bed recovering was to establish a routine. Morning you spend in bed with a book, after lunch you move to the couch and watch a movie etc, to break up the day into less boring chunks. Good luck!

      Reply ↓
    4. Rosyglasses*

      If you do not have laparoscopic and they do incision (similar to c section) be prepared for no abs to lay down in bed. My partner had to help me and I ended up spending most of my daytime and sleep time in our recliner because it hurt too much to try and get up and down from bed. Walk as much as you can to help the muscles recover. Stay ahead of the pain or discomfort healing by taking your meds on a schedule. Again it was helpful for me to have a partner to help manage this for me.

      I didn’t feel much like eating for the first week after – mostly due to the anesthesia working its way out of my system. Scrambled egg and bone broth were nourishing and filling.

      The first few days between recovery from the body trauma of surgery and pain meds I mostly slept and watched a little tv.

      Happy to share more if you’d like!

      Reply ↓
  16. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What are you planning to finally do this weekend?

    I’m going to deal with the unholy pile of papers to grade, plus pitch a couple of articles.

    Reply ↓
    1. Healthcare Worker*

      I’ve started cleaning out a closet of clothes that I doubt will ever fit me again! Made a good start tonight and will finish tomorrow.

      Reply ↓
    2. Leaving academia*

      Put laundry away, pull out fall clothes (or put the sweater bin back in a closet?), set up roomba to run regularly

      Start strength training! Did an online class when visiting my sister the other week and…was very sore for days, time to fix that!

      Reply ↓
  17. Dabbling Writer*

    I’m interested in hearing writers’ approaches to the drafting process!

    After a lifetime of thinking I wanted to be writer then accepting I had no ideas….I finally at age 40 got an idea and now have about a 50,000 word start on a book. I’d say it’s about 1/3 to 1/2 done and my goal is to have a draft finished by the one year mark, which would be next April.

    I’m not even thinking about trying to publish, but I do want to get the book to the point where I feel it’s done and would theoretically be ready to publish. It’s not at a point where I’ve let anyone else read any of it, but I’m wondering about how other writers approach this. At what point do you have other people read what you’ve written? What involvement do other people have in the drafting process for you?

    Reply ↓
  18. Forensic13*

    Random request: my four-year-old watched Toy Story 2 recently and has become obsessed with the remote control car that some of the toys ride around in at some point. (If you haven’t seen the movie/don’t remember, it’s a larger blue convertible? van? wagon? that may or may not be a Barbie toy.)

    She doesn’t need that EXACT car, but does anyone have any suggestions for a remote control car that specifically has room for toys to sit in? That’s the aspect she’s fascinated by. Ideally it would fit at least some smaller stuffed animals.

    Reply ↓
  20. Alex*

    I have this skirt that I theoretically really like. It is a wrap skirt, made of kind of thick material (so, winter) and then it has a tie belt made of the same material as the skirt.

    The skirt itself is very slightly big on me, but the belt THAT CAME WITH IT is not long enough to tie in a bow after wrapping around my waist. If I try to pull it at all tightly, the skirt itself bunches up. I don’t understand why they would make a belt that needs to be smaller than the circumference of the skirt!

    Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions on how I could style this skirt to look OK? Or how I can tie this belt in a way that doesn’t take up as much length as a bow? I’d really like to wear it with a tucked in shirt with the tied belt as an accessory but am open to other options. None of my regular belts seem right–they are all too narrow.

    Reply ↓

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