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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Mostly Managing*

    ‘Tis the season, and tomorrow will be Bake All the Things.

    What’s your favourite Christmas cookie?
    (I’ve done gingerbread, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and fruit cake. We need more! )

    2. mittens*

      Shortbread. Lemon. Every now and again I get a craving for peanut butter. I have a chocolate cookie recipe (not chocolate chip, but chocolate). And hamentaschen, but not now.

      One of the best cookies I’ve ever bought was from an independent cinema that sold cookies they brought in from a Chinese (Hong Kong) bakery. They were large, and a little nutty maybe some combo of almond and peanut butter? Or just almond? If anyone has a recipe for this, I’d love to try.

      1. PhyllisB*

        If you have a recipe for Lemon Shortbread, would you share? I have been obsessed with Lemon Straws ( which are a Shortbread) put out by Mississippi Cheese Straw Factory and I’d love to learn to make them.
        BTW, if if any of you are interested in this, or the Cheese Straws (also addictive) they get their name from there is a website. Just add .com to the name.

        1. mittens*

          it’s not lemon shortbread, just lemon. let’s hope the formatting works!

          3/4 c butter
          1 c icing sugar
          1 egg
          zest two lemons
          3/4 tsp vanilla
          1 1/2 c flour
          1 tsp lemon juice
          3/4 tsp baking pwdr
          1/4 tsp baking soda

          mix as usual: cream butter + sugar + zest, add egg + vanilla + lemon juice. Add dry ingredients

          refrigerate for 1/2 hr or more

          bake at 350 for 15 min.

          I usually roll into a log shape to refrigerate and slice to bake.

      2. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        This sounds like Chinese almond cookies. if you do a search, see if the image matches your expectation, and then you could look up the recipe. (I buy them, I have never baked them)

        1. carcinization*

          I had a Chinese cookbook with a recipe for them many years ago, and made them once, but the recipe called for lard and I substituted shortening. I wasn’t sure about the end product, but at the time (undergrad at a large state university) I had a Chinese room-mate with Chinese friends, and they all said the cookies were as they remembered/expected.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I haven’t done any holiday baking yet and I also want to get going this weekend! I love spritz cookies and always do chocolate crinkle cookies and gingerbread as well. Sometimes I make peanut butter balls or fudge too.

    4. Clara Bowe*

      I am doing a mass cookie bake tomorrow with friends. We convene, clean the church kitchen (we rent), bake, share a giant tray of kebab and rice and hummus, bake more, separate out giant amounts of cookies, clean the kitchen again, and flee into the night, leaving several trays of cookies in our wake.

      Everyone picks different recipes every year. This year, I am going to try root beer pie cookies and eggnog cookies. I usually do a lemon or honey cookie, but decided to mix it up this year. Fingers crossed it goes well!

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        What a wonderful custom! Please come back next weekend and tell us what the overall cookie assortment turned out to be. It would also be interesting to know what the assortment of bakers turned out to be :)

    5. Jay*

      My family has a specialty we call Crescent Cookies. They are in no way related to what that normally refers to. I think they are called that due to a superficial resemblance to croissants. They are fantastic and taste better than anything else I’ve ever eaten when they are fresh out of the oven. Supposedly we didn’t invent them, but I’ve never seen them anyplace else, nor heard of anyone else making them.

      1. BlueWolf*

        My grandma used to make crescent cookies. They are similar to (or the same as?) rugelach, I think. I’m not sure where her recipe came from, but they were always a favorite. Another favorite are cream wafers, which are delicious buttery cookies with buttercream filling. They melt in your mouth.

    6. old curmudgeon*

      Funny you should ask – I took today off specifically for the purpose of doing my holiday baking with my spouse! Both of us, the kitchen and the cats are covered in flour, sugar and smears of butter, but it’s well worthwhile.

      I love most of the old-fashioned traditional cookies, but for me, the absolute sine qua non for the holidays is Pepparkakor, a Swedish gingerbread cut-out cookie flavored with orange and cardamom made with the recipe that I inherited from my mother. If it’s an extra-busy year and I don’t have time to make the usual six or eight varieties of cookies, the one that ALWAYS gets made every year is Pepparkakor.

      1. allx*

        I love this cookie. I have my grandma’s recipe. Her Pepparkakor were the best. She rolled the dough thin to make the perfect crunchy cookie.

      2. allathian*

        It’s a tradition in Finland, too. It’s the only traditional Christmas cookie here.

        My mom bakes them every year.

        1. Kaisa*

          What about the prune-filled stars, Joulutortut? I’m still looking for a good gluten-free version using flours available in the US….

          anyhow, making my pigs today!

          1. allathian*

            They’re Christmas baked goods, but pastry tarts rather than cookies. I guess the definition of “cookies” varies, but for me they’re baked goods hard enough that they can be piled on top of each other easily. They don’t keep for very long and are best eaten as soon as possible after baking.

            For a flaky texture, any gluten free Danish pastry dough recipe should work for a reasonable approximation of the “real thing.” I’ve never made pastry dough from scratch, though.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        My favourite thumbprint cookies ever have a soft dough with pecans and mascarpone as star ingredients, and melted toffee sweets in the middle (the recipe is from a Hummingbird Bakery book). We never buy toffee sweets, so I found it works just as great with caramel spread in the middle – and now I feel the urge to go and hunt down some :D

    9. RagingADHD*

      Jouloutorttu! (Finnish prune tarts).

      It’s a pinwheel of flaky pastry with a dollop of prune jam that’s flavored with cardamom and vanilla.

    10. Festively Dressed Earl*

      There’s a cookie that I’ve seen called a Russian Tea Cake, Mexican Wedding Cookies, or Vanillakerpfel. I call them “a ton of toasted nuts and butter rolled in powdered sugar and why yes, I’ll have another cup of coffee and six more, why not?”

      1. Hibiscus*

        Those are called snowballs and are made with pecans—hands down favorite in my family. Toasted pecans, butter, flavored with vanilla, dusted in confectioners sugar. The recipe is in the 60s Better Homes and Garden or McCall’s cookbook.

        They can also be anise flavored,so be careful.

      2. bay scamp*

        Also called polvorones in occupied Aztlan where I live! I make a pumpkin-pecan version most years!

    11. KayDee*

      I always make Melomakarona and molasses cookies. Both are always big hits wherever I take them. This year I’m also making Salted Butter and Chocolate Chunk Shortbread from a recipe by Alison Roman. I’ve made them several times, and they are absolutely delicious!

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        What’s your recipe for Melomakarona? The local bakery that had them has now closed and I’d really love to eat them again!

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          I’m curious as well! I looked these up and would love to make them, but the “authentic” recipes seemed to use semolina, and I can’t have gluten…

          1. KayDee*

            @Cookies for Breakfast and @fallingleavesofnovember
            The recipe is kind of long and I’m not sure if I can post it here, but I’ll give it a try! And apologies @fallingleavesofnovember, my recipe calls for all-purpose flour, not sure if you could substitute a non-gluten type of flour or not.

            Melomakarona

            For Batter: For Dipping Syrup:
            1 pound butter 1 cup honey
            1 cup vegetable oil 1/4 cup water
            1 cup granulated sugar
            3 eggs Finely chopped walnuts
            1/3 cup orange juice
            1 Tsp ground cinnamon
            1 Tsp ground cloves
            7 cups flour
            1 Tsp baking powder
            1 Tsp baking soda

            For Batter: Melt butter, then add oil. Allow mixture to cool completely. Beat until well blended. Add sugar and continue beating. Add eggs, orange juice, cinnamon, and cloves. Sift baking powder and baking soda into flour, add to batter.

            Shape batter into oblong cookies, about 3 inches by 3/4 inches. Bake in 375 degree oven for 20 minutes.

            Allow cookies to cool completely before dipping. It’s best to bake the cookies one day and dip them the next.

            Dipping Syrup: Place honey and water in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Cook for about 10 minutes, then reduce to simmer. Dip the cookies in the syrup. Place cookies on waxed paper, and sprinkle with finely chopped walnuts.

            As the batter is quite soft, I find that the easiest way to shape it is to use a pastry bag to “extrude” it. I make long “ropes” of the batter on a cutting board, and then cut them into the length I want.

            1. KayDee*

              Formatting fail! The batter recipe starts off with 1 Pound of butter and 1 cup of vegetable oil and then the rest of the ingredients are correct, then the dipping syrup is the 1 cup honey, 1/4 cup water. The batter doesn’t contain the honey and water. Sorry about any confusion :(

            3. fallingleavesofnovember*

              Ooh thank you so much! I do have a standard gluten free flour that is pretty reliable, I just didn’t know how essential the semolina was…I may try your version!

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do what I call “Variable Cookies”. This is the full recipe, but I’ve never made more than a half-batch at a time :P

      4.5 cups all-purpose flour
      2 tsp baking soda
      2 cups butter, softened
      1.5 cups brown sugar
      0.5 cup white sugar
      2 packages instant pudding, any flavor
      4 eggs
      2 tsp flavoring (liqueur, vanilla extract, Bailey’s, whatever)
      4 cups chips (chocolate, white choc, butterscotch, whatever)

      oven at 350
      cream together butter and sugars
      blend in pudding
      add eggs and flavoring, blend until smooth
      sift together flour and baking soda, then add in 1/2-cup intervals to the rest
      fold in chips
      Find a sucker to roll it into balls and put on a cookie sheet. Bake 10 min or so. Makes 70+ cookies.

      The variables are the pudding, flavoring and add-ins.
      I’ve done chocolate mint cookies with Andes chips.
      I’ve done chocolate Jameson cookies with peanut butter chips.
      I’ve done lemon matcha cookies with … raspberry chips, I think? (I used matcha powder instead of the liquid flavoring but I don’t remember how much.)
      Cheesecake (pudding) vanilla (flavoring) cookies with chocolate chips.
      Pistachio cookies with toffee chips.
      I once did vanilla pudding, root beer extract and white chocolate chips and I swear to god they tasted like root beer floats.

      Also, if you leave out the add-ins but press a Hershey’s kiss, Rolo candy, or similar into the top right after taking them out of the oven, they make excellent blossom cookies.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Honestly, for a half batch, I’ve used either size depending on what was available and not really noticed a difference! My default is the smaller size though.

    13. Blue Cactus*

      OH do I have some. We do at least 10 cookie varieties a year. Our perennials are:
      – A family recipe variation on Mexican wedding cookies that we shape into a comma
      – Biscochitos: a New Mexican cookie flavored with anise dipped in cinnamon sugar
      – Spritz: German butter cookies made into fun shapes
      – Biscotti dipped in chocolate
      – Gingersnaps with fresh ginger
      Others we’ve done and liked:
      – Amaretti: Italian almond cookies (these are gluten free!)
      – Pizelles: Italian flat pressed cookies that look like snowflakes – you need a press for these
      – Snowballs: chocolate cookies dipped in powdered sugar
      – Thumbprints: a butter cookie with an indent in the middle filled with jam
      We also usually do at least one bar – this year we’re trying a Linsertorte inspired one!

        1. JSPA*

          basler brunsli are, and are gluten free and dairy free if done “traditional.” But they’re boozy. We did the almond meal or hazelnut flour / cocoa powder / fine sugar (but not powder) / kirsch / kahlua / egg white version. If that’s not already enough intense flavors, the spices are cloves and a tiny bit of cinnamon. Some versions are simply dried rather than baked, so bake only as long as you need to feel good about the egg whites. You can probably sub another binding and moisturizing agent to make them vegan or get around the egg shortage.

        2. Blue Cactus*

          They’re not super difficult! They get their life from whipped egg whites so it’s much easier if you have a stand or hand mixer, but otherwise not difficult at all!

          1. Hlao-roo*

            This gluten free person is happy to hear Amaretti is not difficult to make!

            @Ellis Bell, I did a quick search and found an “Italian Amaretti Cookies” recipe from themodernnonna.com that has only 4 ingredients and looks pretty simple. I might give it a try this weekend.

        3. Cookies For Breakfast*

          Look up the recipe from Bread Ahead, it’s brilliant and super easy and I believe it’s online. This Italian with a love of soft amaretti makes it very often :)

        4. Kt*

          As a gf person, I make a riff on Ricciarelli (almond lemon cookies) that won a cookie contest in the Star Tribune in about 2014. They are easy and delicious. The recipe is available online.

      2. Punk Book Jockey*

        I miss biscochitos so much! Haven’t made them in a few years because too many of my friends eat vegetarian or halal, and to do them properly really requires lard. But someday I’ll perfect a good version with vegetable shortening.

        Ginger snaps are becoming a new favorite.

      1. old curmudgeon*

        Most shortbread recipes I’ve seen don’t call for any eggs – if you have butter, flour, sugar and some kind of extract (vanilla, orange, almond, lemon, peppermint, etc.), you can make shortbread.

        Be healthy, too!

    15. Rara Avis*

      Chocolate cookies with peppermint kisses. White chocolate cranberry oatmeal. My mom’s peanut butter chocolate balls. Also her chocolate cookies wrapped around a kiss — 10 seconds in the microwave and you have a tiny lava treat!

      1. Rara Avis*

        Also, I volunteer for a nonprofit called Cake4Kids, and today we packed about 1500 donated cookies into 80 boxes to fill orders for what is becoming an annual fundraiser. So many different kinds!

    16. Sloanicota*

      Reindeer Chow. I am only allowed to make one batch once a year, because I eat all of it myself in like three days.

    17. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I just finalized what I’m making this year – eggnog snickerdoodles, gingerbread latte cookies, and buche de Noel cookies (all from the NYT); soft sugar cookies from Serious Eats; Neapolitan shortbread and red velvet sugar cookies from The Vanilla Bean Blog; and surprise hot chocolate cookies from Sally’s Baking Addiction. Also making buckeyes, coconut cream truffles, and Oreo truffles. I’ll do most this weekend and a few next weekend.

    18. Llellayena*

      Shortbread
      Anise cookies
      Pignoli cookies
      Russian Tea Cakes

      Can you tell I’ve made this list before…?

          2. Rosyglasses*

            Our families are closer to the Borrachio type (including a link below) – but my mom rolled them in powdered sugar and kept them in the freezer so they were more solid. I have a family recipe that I haven’t really seen replicated anywhere!

            2. Kt*

              The anise cookies in my family are a super rare (?) self-frosting sort. I need to figure out how to make them. Curious if anyone else knows them. Prussian-ish recipe most likely. They need to sit overnight before being baked to separate into layers and then end up with a sort of crisp layer on top.

              1. Dancing Otter*

                That sounds like springerle, which are German. They not only contain anise oil or extract, my family tradition spreads anise seeds on the surface under them while they dry.
                We also use a patterned roller or molds to press designs into the surface, which you don’t mention.

              2. Rosyglasses*

                Those are what mine are! I will try to find the recipe – but these sit out overnight and puff up when you bake and get a crispy outside.

    19. Jackalope*

      I’ve only ever seen this in my family. Take 2 Ritz crackers, and make a peanut butter sandwich with them. Repeat this several times. Heat up some almond bark until melted. Dip the sandwiches in the almond bark. Let cool on waxed paper. They’re a beautiful combo of sweet, salty, and mellow (because of the crackers).

    22. Don’t burn down the house*

      Big soft ginger cookies, it’s not Christmas if they aren’t baked.
      And white chocolate macadamia nut is my Dad’s favorite, which shoulda been a huge clue to child me about who Santa was.

      1. RLC*

        Oh! How I miss my late aunt’s pfeffernusse, also her lebkuchen. She was born in the US, of Danish ancestry, an expert cookie baker with a large repertoire. Always sent a HUGE tin of cookies for Christmas.

        1. ThatGirl*

          My recipe is my great aunt’s and even a half batch makes a zillion cookies. They are labor intensive so I only make them at Christmas.

          1. Slippers*

            Our recipe is husband’s grandmother’s. She taught my daughters and I how to make them the year before she died because the dough was too stiff for her to work with. We definitely only make them at Christmas – it’s a lot of work, even with four of us!

    24. goddessoftransitory*

      Big fat sugar cookies covered in frosting and Red Hots and sprinkles!

      We used to make them every year as kids, and we’d always make one what we called “fire engine” cookie, where we piled on as much frosting as it could hold and wedge in various sugar-form sparkles until it was groaning under its own cornucopia of excess.

      1. Rara Avis*

        I brought (grocery store) shape coolies, chocolate frosting, and mini M&M’s to my 7th grade advisees yesterday, and some of them definitely made fire engine cookies! (Or whatever you would call the heaps of chocolate equivalent, except maybe I don’t want to go there.)

      2. Rosyglasses*

        My mom used to make these for Valentine’s Day when I was in grade school – I have fond nostalgic memories!

    26. Indolent Libertine*

      Even though I’m now Jewish, I still take part in Xmas with my parents. Our forever “have to” cookie is the Joy of Cooking pecan bars. Shortbread base, pecan pie-ish layer, then a lemon juice and powdered sugar glaze. Extremely labor intensive but absolutely delicious and worth it!

    27. Arts Akimbo*

      My favorite is soft gingerbread cookies with triple ginger, cardamom, cinnamon, allspice and clove, double the largest sane amount of molasses, and finished with lemon royal icing! I made a huge batch and we’re nearly through it already.

      A friend of mine just made these smash “cookies” that are a half-melted Rolo sandwiched between a mini pretzel and a pecan half! A heavenly bite. Trying not to eat them all.

      1. Slippers*

        My husband’s grandma used to make those rolo pretzels (turtles?? sort of) and bring them to everything, even if you instructed her not to bring anything. I miss that lady more than words can say. They’re my favorite little treats.

    28. Might Be Spam*

      I’ll be making Snickerdoodles and Oatmeal Lace cookies. My favorite cookies, we call Kolaczki, but I don’t think it’s the same as what everybody else calls it. Our Kolaczki are made with ice cream, butter and flour, with a thick fruit filling.

    29. Brevity*

      Orange oatmeal cookies, which have a ton of brown sugar and coconut. It’s actually an old Pillsbury cookbook recipe, using orange juice concentrate. My husband devours them.

        1. Brevity*

          Yes, when they make sense. My mother had an old cookbook from her mother’s church which had a recipe that, in the ingredients, called for “one lump butter”. We never tried that recipe.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Ah yes, the notorious “size of a walnut.” Laura Shapiro’s Something From the Oven goes into the history of cookbooks in the US and standardizing measurements–it’s fascinating!

    30. Bethlam*

      My sister and I did our annual baking Thanksgiving weekend. ours are all basic, nothing too fancy.

      Russian tea cakes (my favorite), M&M, lemon, chocolate chip, butterscotch potato chip, snickerdoodles, coated cookie drops (the no bake with Oreos and cream cheese), peanut butter blossoms, Rollo pretzel bites, cutouts, gingerbread, mini cheesecakes, toffee almond sandies, 2 chocolate experiments (our guinea pigs said they were ok; sister and I wouldn’t know as we don’t like chocolate).

      And a cookie made with Bisquick and instant mashed potato flakes. Interesting taste and texture. Can put in different add-ins. We did some with dried apricots and some with maraschino cherries.

      1. Slippers*

        I’ve been searching the lists looking for peanut butter blossoms! My husband is insistent you must use chocolate stars instead of Kisses.

      2. carcinization*

        Bethlam: Interested in a butterscotch potato chip cookie recipe for sure!

        Slippers: Blossoms were mentioned above, in the “variable cookies” recipe for sure, maybe elsewhere. A co-worker brought me one last week, but she referred to the recipe as some sort of “hat” rather than a blossom. I don’t think it was chef hat or pope hat so I’m not sure what type of hat.

    31. Chaordic One*

      Aside from basic sugar cookies cut into Christmas shapes with cookie cutters then covered with sprinkles, I make pinwheel cookies and chocolate crinkle cookies covered with powdered sugar.

    32. Merry and Bright*

      Pumpkin chocolate chip and cranberry orange are two of our favorites. I feel inspired to bake after reading this thread!

    34. Cookies For Breakfast*

      My Christmas tradition is gifting cookies to friends and family, and my only self-imposed rule is it has to be a different recipe every year.

      Absolute favourite: Ottolenghi’s pecan snowballs. The recipe is online, look it up, you won’t regret it.

      I remember the year I made shortbread as a pretty successful one, and Smitten’s chocolate sablés also went down very well. Also, I’ve loved making vanillakipferl (or vanillakipferl?) but can’t find the exact recipe anymore.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I really miss Husband’s mom sending us cookies every year! She used to do a big annual bake fest but the strain of it finally meant she had to take off her apron.

    35. UKDancer*

      I don’t really make cookies but I tend to buy some lebkuchen if the supermarkets have any.

      Next weekend I will be making mince pies assuming Mr Ocado delivers the lard for the pastry. (I make some without lard for vegetarians but I find pastry works better with a mix of lard and butter). Mince pies are an essential feature of Christmas alongside my mother’s chocolate fridge cake.

      1. OxfordBlue*

        I’m in the UK and use Trex for the lard in my mince pie pastry because it’s vegetarian and it always comes out beautifully short and “melt-in-the-mouth” texture. I agree that it isn’t Christmas without mince pies although I did notice some marked down hot cross buns in my local Tesco branch the other day!

    36. Dancing Otter*

      I have my MIL’s recipe for cardamom cookies. (She may or may not have been truthful about the directions.)
      They’re basically a thick rolled sugar cookie with crushed cardamom seeds for flavoring, cut round (I treat the dough like refrigerator cookies, and slice it instead of rolling it out.), frosted and edged with chopped nuts. (Again, not being crazy, I roll the cylinder of dough in the chopped nuts before baking.)
      MIL didn’t share info on the frosting. I use more cardamom and lemon zest in a buttercream icing.

    37. Healthcare Worker*

      Not cookies, but today I’m baking cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning. Reminds me of my dear grandmother who taught me how to make them.

      2. carcinization*

        I just made a cinnamon roll cake that most folks mistake for cinnamon rolls, to take to my work’s “Breakfast with Santa” that’s tomorrow. Haven’t decided yet if I will show up in pajamas as we’re supposed to, I usually wear regular clothes. Last year people loved the cinnamon roll cake (with its 3 sticks of butter) so much that I didn’t get to eat any, so I decided I should bring it again this year.

    38. Dancing Otter*

      Usually springerle, but not this year.
      Most frustratingly, my recipe box has yet to emerge from the moving boxes, but I have found the springerle roller. None of the recipes I’ve found online look like what I remember of the family recipe, so I’ve held off on making them. But that roller is sitting on the kitchen island taunting me!

      Also MIA is the recipe for brandy balls. Every year from early childhood, we made these Thanksgiving weekend, packed them in saved candy/cookie tins to “season” (personally, I suspect some continuing fermentation), and hid them until Christmas (or whenever my father found them). I remember the ingredients, but not the amounts. Basically, you force dates and pecans and vanilla wafers through the meat grinder attachment for the stand mixer. Add brandy, mixing it with your hands, until it’s a good consistency to roll into balls about the size of a thumb tip (maybe 3/4”?). The youngest child then rolls the balls in decorating sugar and lays them out on waxed paper to be packed by another child who can be trusted with scissors to cut more waxed paper to fit the tins.

      For a family that almost never drank alcohol, we used a lot of it in the Christmas baking. There were also brandy spritz, and the homemade fruitcake was soaked in it: not just in the initial ingredients, but additional doses every day until you practically got dizzy just breathing when you opened the container. I don’t know about other recipes, but Mom’s version of mincemeat was equally brandy-based. Maybe she just wanted to be sure to use up the whole bottle of brandy each year?

      1. GoryDetails*

        I tackled springerle for a few Christmases some time back – I was tempted by some exquisite molds, and just had to use them. They’re very fiddly, and I wasn’t sure about the texture – I liked them in a kind of marzipan-chewy level with barely-crispy outsides, but I gather they could be a lot crispier than that? I did enjoy the results, but am not up for the labor anymore.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Just remembered: those oh-so-tempting molds were from House on the Hill, which made reproductions of antique molds as well as some lovely new designs. They also had some recipes; not sure if those would match the one you remember.

    40. PhyllisB*

      My current favorite to bake I learned from an AAM reader. snowball cookies. Warning: either hide them or make a double batch. You will NOT be able to stay out of them. The other isn’t a cookie exactly, but I ran across a recipe for Apple Brownies that’s really good.

    41. Random Bystander*

      Snickerdoodles. Sugar cookies with icing + decoration. Neapolitan (I modified the original recipe.)

      My Neapolitan Cookies:
      Ingredients:
      1 cup butter, softened
      1-1/2 cup sugar
      1 egg
      1 teaspoon vanilla extract
      2-1/2 cup all purpose flour
      1-1/2 teaspoon baking powder
      1/2 teaspoon salt
      1/2 teaspoon almond extract
      1/2 teaspoon cherry extract
      1 square (1 ounce) unsweetened baking chocolate, melted
      6 drops liquid food coloring (optional)

      Take a 9x5x3 loaf pan and line it with waxed paper, set aside.

      In a mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar. Beat in egg and vanilla. Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt and gradually add to the creamed mixture. Divide into three portions.

      First portion, flavor with cherry extract. If you want to increase the red/pink color, add food coloring. Spread evenly into the prepared pan.

      Second portion, flavor with the almond extract. Spread evenly over the first (cherry) layer.

      Third portion, mix with the melted baking chocolate. Spread evenly over the second layer. Add waxed paper on top, press down. Refrigerate overnight.

      Next day, preheat the oven to 350. Remove the loaf of cookie dough. Slice once longways. Cut each half into thin (about 1/8 inch) slices. Place 1 inch apart on an ungreased baking pan and bake until edges are firm, approximately 10 minutes.

      Remove to wire racks to cool. If you are good at slicing, you can get 12 dozen cookies (I admittedly am not as good as that and end up closer to 10 dozen).

      The original recipe called for the almond extract and food coloring in the pink layer, and 1/2 cup of chopped walnuts to be mixed into the uncolored layer. I think my variation tastes much better and the pink being cherry matches what my brain tells me it should taste like instead of pink tasting of almonds.

    42. Girasol*

      Spritz from the old cookie press sandwiched together with buttercream, different flavors with different buttercream flavors in different shapes – chocolate peppermint trees, lemon sunbursts, cherry wreaths, vanilla coffee swirls.

    43. Old Hampshire New Hampshire*

      I’m going to be making mincemeat cookies this year. I bought a big jar of mincemeat today!

    44. Lore*

      I found a recipe for spicy gingerbread cookies—including powdered and crystallized ginger, a lot of black pepper, and all the usual gingerbread spices—online years ago as the winner of a spicy cookie contest. It seems to have vanished from the internet but my much-molasses-stained printout survives! (I have typed it up at this point.) They are so delicious.

    45. Rosyglasses*

      Fond memories of what my mom used to make plates of:

      Russian Tea Cakes
      Anise Freezer Cookies
      Almond Sugar Cookies with Chocolate Ganache
      Gumdrop Cookies (essentially a chocolate chip cookie recipe with cut up gum drops instead of chocolate)

    46. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      My family doesn’t do Christmas, but our favorite Thanksgiving cookie was pecan sand cookies. Very crumbly, made mostly (entirely?) of ground pecans, butter, and sugar.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I *love* pecan sandies – but we always got them storebought, didn’t make them at home. (Now I want some.)

    48. Chauncy Gardener*

      A florentine. Shortbread base, almond caramel infused with orange, then baked, cooled cut into small diamonds and a corner dipped into bittersweet chocolate.
      *swoon*

    49. GoryDetails*

      I’m mainly into shortbread these days, whether I make it or someone else does. The butterier the better!

      I do have some nostalgia for simple sugar cookies with also-simple icing; we used to make those as a family when I was a kid, and even though the icing tended to taste more of powdered sugar than it probably should have, it’s a flavor that takes me back over {gulp} 60 years…

    50. GoryDetails*

      OK, not a cookie and not baked, but this was our family’s traditional holiday “treat” for years. (I wish now I’d asked my mother where she got the idea; she took it to her grave. But I suspect it was a recipe from a woman’s magazine or from the ancient Betty Crocker cookbook that *her* mother gave her for a wedding present. Those were the days…)

      Anyway: here’s a simple version:

      1 lb. English walnuts, chopped
      1 lb. little marshmallows
      1 lb. dates, cut in sm. pieces
      1 lb. graham crackers, rolled into fine crumbs

      Mom would put all of this through the meat grinder several times to make it extra smooth – and extra sticky; if the phone rang during the construction of this food, you just let it ring. (I think she liked it because she could delegate the grinding to whichever kids were hanging around the kitchen. I remember winding up with more of the goop on my hands than in the bowl; those dates and marshmallows are insanely sticky.)

      Once the texture’s right, form the sticky mess – er, delectable mixture? – into a long roll, dusting the whole thing with more graham cracker crumbs to make the exterior less sticky, and chill. To serve, slice as desired, top with whipped cream (we used the spray-can stuff – it was the early ’60s) and a maraschino cherry. [Or skip the cherry; I never liked them much, but they are very pretty on the otherwise very beige dessert.]

      The resulting slice is very, very dense and rich, and I don’t recall anyone getting through more than a cubic inch or two at most. It’s kind of like a fig newton cookie, only all mashed up? I dunno. I have no yearning to make it myself, though the nostalgia factor would be high. I would have liked to task my niblings with it when they were little, but I think they’re all old enough now to flatly refuse {grin}.

      1. Formerly in HR*

        This is very similar to a dessert from my childhood in comunist Romania. It was called ‘biscuit salami’ and it required folding cocoa, rum extract, chopped walnuts, maybe raisins, maybe some small pieces of regular (not butter, not crackers) biscuits in the concoction resulted from melting Turkish delight, mixing until it all got incorporated, then forming a log (burning fingers on the still hot mixture), covering it in paper/foil and leaving it rest for a day or so. We’d then slice it and eat the pieces like some fancy thing (due to the effort it was not made often, even if ingredients were somehow common and thus allowed us to make it, as opposed to other desserts that required butter, eggs, sugar etc).

        1. Formerly in HR*

          Forgot to say we rolled the mixture log in crushed biscuits – some would get mixed in and thus thicken the log, some would end up strictly as the outside layer). It was really a guessing game of how much would be needed.

    51. Six Feldspar*

      Below are a couple of recipes from previous years – this year I’m trying to work out if a mince pie biscotti is possible…

      Jazzed Up Rumballs
      250g gingernuts
      1/4 cup cocoa powder
      Zest from 1 orange
      Spices to taste (salt, pepper, ginger, nutmeg, cardamom, cinnamon)
      Approx 1 cup shredded coconut + extra to roll
      395g total of condensed milk + treacle

      Crush the gingernuts in a food processor (or I have great fun putting them in a ziplock bag and smashing them with a rolling pin). Mix in the other dry ingredients and then the condensed milk/treacle mixture. Let the mixture sit for 1-2 hours.

      After 1-2 hours check the mixture, add more gingernut crumbs or coconut if too dry.

      Roll into balls with wet hands (about 1tbsp is an ideal size for me) and roll in coconut. They keep well in the fridge or freezer.

      Gingernuts (makes about 60)
      200g butter
      1 cup sugar
      1 cup golden syrup
      3 cups flour
      2 tbsp ground ginger
      1 tsp baking soda
      Crystallised ginger, chopped
      1/4 tsp nutmeg
      1/2 tsp cinnamon
      1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon pepper
      1/2 tsp salt
      Optional: fresh grated ginger

      Cream the butter and sugar, then add all other ingredients and mix. Form the dough into a log and slice pieces off (the thinner the slices the crispier the biscuits will be) or roll into balls with your hands.

      Bake in a 180c over for about 15 minutes and let them cool on the tray for 5-10 minutes.

    54. EngineerRN*

      We do snickerdoodles, molasses spice cookies, peanut blossoms (peanut cookies with a chocolate kiss pressed in right after they come out of the oven), and chocolate crinkles (which are a chocolate bike that’s been rolled in powdered sugar before baking, so the surfaces cracks and you can see the dark cookie through the “crinkles”).

      I do all of these because they’re all just balls rolled in something!

      The secret to good snickerdoodles is to use half butter & half shortening for the fat, to mix some cinnamon & a pinch of allspice into the dough, and to use plenty of cinnamon in the sugar you roll the balls in.

      My favorite cookie we get from my MIL is a crescent cookie that’s kind of like a pecan sandy – it’s a very short dough that has ground pecans in it, almost like a pecan shortbread, and dusted with powdered sugar.

    55. carcinization*

      I like jam thumbprints (I use Ina’s recipe, easily google-able), and a specific kind of candy cane cookies where one basically makes the dough into “snakes” and then twists them together to make candy cane shapes (most recipes want one to only colour half of the dough red, but I colour half red and half green). I’ve found recipes similar to the latter online (usually the difference is whether it contains a bit of salt… I use the salt), but don’t have one bookmarked currently.

      This year I’m doing the less labour-intensive version (as my husband and I must bake cookies Thursday night for our respective work holiday events) so I’m making two recipes that were recommended in a thread elsewhere online: King Arthur Baking’s Chocolate Peppermint Snaps and the NYT’s Eggnog Snickerdoodles. Hopefully they will work out well!

    56. Banana Pyjamas*

      Kołaczki & jello cookies. Last time I tried to bake kołaczki they didn’t survive, the fat was too soft before baking.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        Make sure the dough stays cold and after rolling them out, put them back in the fridge to get solid again. Make sure the cookie sheet is cool when you put the cookies on it, or they’ll get soft too quickly.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I stumbled across the *Get Millie Black* series and found the episodes I watched quite interesting and compelling.

    2. Clara Bowe*

      I have cats on my lap, Kung Pao chicken, and a new Dimension 20 Time Quangle to watch. And I get to go to bed early…

    3. old curmudgeon*

      I’m retiring next week, and today’s mail included a “happy retirement” card from an arts organization I love, signed by all the artists! I was absolutely blown away with shock – getting a greeting from that org would be a highlight of any day, but this one has lovely little personal notes and signatures from all the artists. It will be treasured for as long as I am around!

    4. vulturestalker*

      A good friend and I recently acknowledged what turned out to be mutual romantic feelings, so we’ve been exploring that, and it’s making me so happy. He is so kind and caring, and we click in a really lovely way. I feel respected and heard and safe. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had a romance, so I’ve been absolutely sparkling all week.

    5. Rara Avis*

      Today was Big Assembly Day at school. Every singing and dancing group from 4th to 12th grade does a number. My kiddo performed for the first time, which made it extra special.

    6. Flower*

      We adopted a kitty!!!! It’s been three years since our very beloved cat died, and it’s taken us this long to be ready again. He is a love! He is five years old, a fluffy tabby. We have only had him a few days, but he already sits on us and purrs, charges through the house after imaginary things, sleeps on the bed with us, and is all around a wonderful beast. We are sooooooo happy.

    7. Bananapants*

      My friend and I are hosting a mid-century themed Christmas dinner tomorrow so I’ve spent the evening prepping a cucumber dill aspic, ambrosia salad, and a classic green bean casserole. My friend is providing home-brew cyser, baked fish, tomato aspic, and wedge salad. I’m very excited!

    8. PippinTook*

      we finally found a game that the.motley household could all enjoy …. the picky 7-year-old, the Spanish speaker, the computer nerd, the lawyer, the retired Latin teacher! it’s Chicken Butt! Much laughter.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut back to his old self after a long session of rebalancing his thyroid meds and tummy issues. His new thing is sleeping on my husband’s old winter coat on the dining room table, so we bought him a little cat mat that self heats and hopefully can coax him onto that (so I can dry clean the coat and donate it1)

    10. Firebird*

      I’m in the very early stage of a possible romantic relationship. I’m not sure we have enough in common yet, but I’d like to see where it goes. We were at the same event (not an official date) and a couple of people asked if we were together, so I guess we’re giving off vibes. Somebody else said we were cute, like her grandparents. So I guess I’m officially old now.
      Etiquette tip: Don’t compare people to your grandparents. Ouch. I’ve been gray since I was 5 years old.

      3. Goldfeesh*

        That reminds of a time I ran into a young woman named Dallas. I was excited over her name because I have never heard of anyone named Dallas other than my grandpa. I don’t think she as enthused as I was. Oops, sorry.

        1. allathian*

          Oops! The only one I know about is director Ron Howard’s daughter, actress/producer/director Bryce Dallas Howard. Scuttlebutt has it that she was conceived there.

          But yeah, in general I think people should refrain from commenting on any “unusual” personal characteristics. Height, weight, hair color, length, and texture, skin color, accent, name, etc. should all be off-limits in conversation because the person’s heard it all before. Often those comments, no matter how well meant, come across as microaggressions.

      4. Sloanicota*

        As a new employee I accidentally suggested to my boss that someone might think I was her daughter. In retrospect she was probably in her late 30s. Whoops.

    11. Cat and dog fosterer*

      My latest fosters just arrived! A pair of pups that flew in from a remote community and are now safe. They are small breed and there’s a small chance they’ll be adopted by the new year if I get lucky.

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I now have the entire first 10,000 words of my novel written down. They probably suck! But this a huge deal for me, because I never wrote this much of a story in the right order.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Getting an idea out of your head and down on paper never sucks! It may need reworking or such, but that’s a big deal!

    13. BellaStella*

      Snowing here and it is pretty. 2025 is looking terrific too as at the place we do not name I will change teams. And am excited for a Christmas market tomorrow!

    14. Hobbling Up A Hill*

      My local supermarket had a substantial discount on fancy cheese. So now I have a lot of fancy cheese.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Very jealous. My supermarket not only did not have a sale, they didn’t even have any fancy cheese. What gives??

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Sorry. That was NOT a joy. lol
          I finally hung the new curtains for the master bedroom and they are WONDERFUL. Airy, bright and I don’t even feel like I have to paint the room anymore. Bonus!

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      Mine was pretty joyless until yesterday afternoon, when the bronchitis that has had me completely flattened for TWELVE DAYS finally started to abate. I’m sitting here savoring every congestion-free breath, my fully working brain, and the energy level that seems 95% back to normal.

    16. PhyllisB*

      Got the pleasure of seeing my oldest granddaughter recieve her Bachelor’s in Social Work. I am beyond proud!!

    17. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mine is a transferred joy — I am super not a cat person at all, but my husband is, and a few months ago he talked me into authorizing a kitten (alongside the two 10 year old cats he already had), because his brother had taken in a litter of strays when their mom was hit by a car when the kittens were like 3-4 days old. Well, his kitten (Badger) chewed up four pairs of headphones in six weeks, and apparently the resolution to this is not “return kitten to sender” but “add more kitten.” I said “Let me guess, your brother still has one of her littermates.” So earlier this week, Mouse showed up, got vet clearance and started on her vaccines, and my husband is now kept by four cats – two ten year olds and two five month olds, and they make him very happy, and I at least am happy that he is happy. :)

      1. GoryDetails*

        Transferred joy is still joy – congrats on the new addition to the household! (Now I want a T-shirt saying “add more kitten”. Though my three cats are more than enough for my current energy level, so maybe I shouldn’t even THINK about kittens…)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It is interesting to see the parallels — each age pair is littermates – sisters, specifically, all four cats are female – and in each pair, there is one who is very decidedly more outgoing and one who is much more reserved and skittish.

          1. Random Bystander*

            It is funny, it seems like they always are like that (one more outgoing, one more skittish).

            In my case, it’s two feral-start boys who came from separate litters but I suspect that their mothers were littermates. Jemmy, the brown tabby, is the skittish one. Leo, the orange boy (and yes, he lives up to all the orange boy stereotypes), is the outgoing one. You would never guess that Leo had started out as a feral boy, he’s so friendly (like I said, he’s orange, and lives up to the stereotypes).

            I did do TNR with the mothers (there was a third female in the colony nucleus, but she disappeared before I got her), they still show up for food and remain utterly untouchable. I got the boys into the house when they were 6mo old, and that was four years ago.

        2. Rosyglasses*

          Haha – I’m imagining the “add more kitten” in the same vein as “more cowbell!!” from the infamous SNL skit with Will Ferrell (for those not familiar).

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It does help that they all were HIS headphones and not MINE. :) If it was MY stuff she’d been chewing up, we’d have been more on the “return kitten to sender” side of the outcome meter :)

          (I also made him promise to leave all his cats to his brother in his will, not me. :P )

          1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

            I did once read a compelling argument that as cats are instinctively wary of snakes and will kill them if they can, that this may underlie their killing of headphones! “Here you go, mum and dad, killed another one, and by the way our house is infested with them”, sort of thing.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Her preferred part to nibble was the foam padding on the ear cups, as I understand it. :)

            2. Cat and dog fosterer*

              Oh no, it’s very much because cats and dogs are earwax freaks! Hearing aids are at big risk from pets for the same reason.

              If you aren’t convinced then stick a finger down your per’s ear and then let them sniff it. Anytime I do this with a new foster they start licking my finger and are obsessed.

              1. RC*

                Only some cats. My theory is it’s genetic, like the cilantro thing in humans. We’ve had two who will intently lick your finger if you have scratched your ear in the last hour, and 3 who couldn’t care less.

                I’ve definitely seen one of them (one of the earwax cats) bat/attack the vacuum power cord as if it were a deadly deadly snake.

                Yay more kittens!

    18. allathian*

      I got a lovely personalized note from my boss as an early Christmas present.

      My son’s getting great grades in his last year of middle school. Bodes well for his chances of getting into his preferred high school next year.

    19. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been really enjoying update season {grin}. The posts that refer back to multiple-question posts tend to make me read all of those again, not just the ones being updated, and I wind up on a fun wiki-walk through the archives.

      Am also very glad to have my roof-repair/gutter-replacement done, and a portion of the long-needed basement-decluttering also done (though there’s a lot more of THAT on the to-do list).

    20. voluptuousfire*

      I went to IKEA and got myself really cute plates that are technically holiday themed but to me just say “Scandinavia.” I could picture myself using them in a little red cabin on a lake in Norway. :)

    21. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      I got to be in a Christmas pageant! I was Shelley the Sheep, and I was behind a screen, holding a hand puppet and talking into a mic. A guy was next to me, voicing Emmet the Donkey, and I actually had the easy part, because I was mostly responding to his prompts: “What’s a genealogy?” and so forth. The whole thing was about 45 minutes, and we weren’t in every scene. Lot of fun, though! We got laughs when we were supposed to. So that’s off my bucket list!

    22. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was invited to attend a concert of the women’s a capella group Kitka, which performs music from Eastern European women’s vocal traditions. Their intros and the written program provided enough of a preview that you could feel the meaning of the lyrics even in unfamiliar languages. Most were traditional songs with a few they wrote themselves in the same genre. So much power coming from this ensemble of 10 people. I’m now a fan and looking forward to attending more of their performances.

      I realized afterward that some of the music is from the home of my own ancestors.

    23. WoodswomanWrites*

      Another joy is happening right now. The annual lighted boat parade is cruising in the bay and I can see the whole thing through the window of my place instead of standing outside in the cold drippy night.

    24. carcinization*

      I made some really good split pea soup (with ham hocks). I remembered this as being something that my husband really liked and that I thought was just okay, so I don’t know if I just got the best ham hocks ever this time or what, but it was next-level.

    25. LdyLiberty*

      My neighbors who I had not previously met rang my doorbell to say ‘Merry Christmas’ and give me a small box of Christmas cookies.

    26. stratospherica*

      My big joy moment is that I made an appointment start the process of acquiring citizenship in the country in which I’ve lived for going on 10 years now! It’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while, and having guaranteed indefinite right to remain (as well as voting rights and the ability to run for office if I want) is pretty huge, so I’m so excited to finally get this ball rolling.

  4. Puffshroom*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for great Christmas themed audiobooks or podcasts?
    I’m not usually someone who gets really into Christmas films or books in the festive period. I’m not religious and I find a lot of the mainstream Christmassy stuff is really cheesy and I don’t find that enjoyable. (No judgement at all if you love all the cheesy Christmas media!! I wish I could dive into it all but I’ve realised it’s just not my thing.) But I’m trying to really lean into extending the Christmas period by surrounding myself with Christmas themed media. I’m quite enjoying the Christmas Carol podcast by the Merry Beggars, I listened to an interesting podcast about the history of A Christmas Carol on Throughline. I’m enjoying the Dan Snow’s History Hit episodes about the history of Christmas. And I loved the first couple of episodes of Sherlock Holmes Short Stories read by Hugh Bonneville – not very Christmassy in theme but very much the vibe I’m after! So I was wondering if anyone had any fun, interesting podcasts or audiobooks with a Christmas theme (but not related to A Christmas Carol!!). Ideally fiction/stories, I think, but am also open to factual stuff. And I’m a Brit living far from home, so a UK or Ireland theme/accent/setting would be amazing!

    1. mittens*

      I don’t know if this fits your bill, but Alan Maitland (Cdn broadcaster) reading Forsythe’s “the shepard” sends chills every time. Look for “Alan Maitland the shepard” on youtube. And, it’s a reading, so you don’t have to pay attention to the video.

    2. Sarah*

      “The Dark Is Rising” by Susan Cooper is a Christmastime reread for many people, and the BBC did a beautiful radio adaptation a couple of years ago. British, Christmas-set if not exactly Christmas-themed, and one of my favorite books from childhood.

      2. UKDancer*

        Oh that’s a good idea. I love the book, I didn’t know there was a radio adaptation but that sounds lovely. I saw the film they made a few years ago and it was absolutely awful, such a shame it’s a great series with potential.

    3. Person from the Resume*

      If you’re okay with sci fi Malka Older has two novellas of lesbian Sherlock Holmes on Jupiter. Great as audiobooks.

      What I actually love about it most is the Victorian london atmosphere/vibe she creates by worldbuilding a place with trains, fog, inclement weather, no mobile communication, English university academic infighting, tea, scones, fires.

      I secondly love the way the mystery is actually related to a sci fi element.

      Thirdly Holmes/Mossa is very obviously non-nuetrotypical while being very Holmesian and seemingly rude. Watson/Plieiti has the deal with her feelings about that.

      But it’s so atmospherically Holmes-era London!!!

      Malka Olders The Investigations of Mossa and Pleiti
      – The Mimicking of Known Successes
      – The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles

      Each audiobook is only 4 hours long.

      1. Puffshroom*

        Bwa ha ha – I just spent several minutes looking for this audiobook app I hadn’t heard of called Jupiter. The mention of sci fi didn’t register apparently… Anyway, these sound super fun – will look for them in the normal audiobook places. Thanks!!

    4. word nerd*

      Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan–it has some dark elements, but it’s also beautiful and gorgeously written and perfect for not-religious Christmas spirit. It’s novella-length and set in a small Irish town, and the audiobook narration by an Irish actor is wonderful too.

        1. word nerd*

          Plus it’s included in the Audible membership if you have a subscription. If you like it, she’s a master of the short form and has other books set in Ireland too.

          I have to ask–does your username refer to puffball mushrooms or is it just a play on words? My husband loves to forage so we’ve eaten them before, and my son loves to step on them when they’re in their spore-releasing stage.

          1. I take tea*

            Not included for me. But at least I can buy it – that’s not always the case.
            I find it so annoying, it happens all the time with streaming services, someone recommends something, but it’s not available here. One would think that in today’s world of online this and that, it shouldn’t be impossible to pay for the things you want, but I have several times been in the situation that I can either access something illegally or wait for it to be released on DVD.

            1. Puffshroom*

              Yes, I agree – it can be really annoying when something isn’t available! And I don’t think many people realise how different the offerings can be in different places – the Netflix selection in the UK vs the place where I live is surprisingly different, for example. But I did get some insight from a podcast called The Rest is Entertainment – basically I used to rant about why the BBC didn’t just sell access to BBC iPlayer to people abroad instead of making it a UK only thing, as surely that would be really popular? But apparently they make much more money by individually selling the TV programmes to other broadcasters, territory by territory. Which is much less convenient for me personally (especially as I live in a very small country whose local broadcasters can’t afford/aren’t that interested in all the latest BBC series, I imagine), but I do approve of the BBC continuing to exist and have money at its disposal, so I have mixed feelings about it!

              1. I take tea*

                BBC is the one I most often complain about as well, I’d probably pay a lot to be able to stream it. Thanks for the insight, I’ll check out that podcast. I suppose it makes sense, moneywise, but it is frustrating. I wish they’d make it possible to buy things online as well as on DVD, at least, like an e-book.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            username: I guessed Plants vs Zombies, where puffshrooms are one of the first plants you get when you move into the night levels :)

            1. word nerd*

              Ah, thank you! My son loves that game but clearly I don’t. Although I am confused why puffshrooms are a “plant” when mushrooms are in a completely different taxonomical kingdom. :P

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                Try not to let that distract you from the otherwise obviously accurate-to-real-life game. ;)

            2. Puffshroom*

              Yep – Plants vs Zombies! My kids were talking about it as I was trying to think of a username – and it’s the only game everyone in my family enjoys equally, and the only game I’m the best at! And I do enjoy its puns – though I’m sure this is isn’t the only one that plant experts might have things to say about.

    5. CTT*

      You asked for podcasts/audiobooks BUT I have to recommend Black Doves, a Netflix spy show – it’s set in London at Christmas and there’s a great range of British accents (and I think a few Irish ones)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        One of the best uses of The Little Drummer Boy ever, and I usually don’t like that song.

      2. Puffshroom*

        Oooh thanks for mentioning this – I have this on my radar but didn’t realise it was Christmas themed! Will bump it up to the top of the list forthwith!

        1. Weekend Warrior*

          Well, there are Christmas decorations galore in London but also a pretty high body count in Black Doves. I don’t think I’d call it “Christmas themed” exactly…

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            There’s also the importance of doing your family traditions (puddings, crafts) around the spycraft, and the use of various holiday gatherings as cover to arrange meetings. It’s more a Christmas movie than Die Hard, which is often cited as an unconventional but valid choice.

          2. Puffshroom*

            I did think afterwards that Christmas themed was maybe not what I meant to say! :) In fact I think what I’m after is things that are NOT just about the magic of Christmas, but just have a bit of festive atmosphere, potentially in the background or with lots of other stuff going on, or come at it from an interesting angle (like the history stuff). Am nearly at the end of the second episode of Black Doves and loving it – and was delighted to find that Ben Wishaw is in it!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      They aren’t podcasts but you might consider some MR James ghost stories–he wrote many of them to be read at Christmas time. The BBC has a whole series of his and others’ filmed and streaming on Shudder/Amazon Prime right now. My favorite is “Oh Whistle and I’ll Come to You, My Lad.”

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        One of the best bits of Christmas in the UK is that they always show MR James adaptations on TV this time of year.

      2. UKDancer*

        I was going to suggest this.

        There are also some quite good readings on Youtube of the books. Most of the Michael Hordern ones are good and I like the Bitesized Audio with Simon Stanhope as he has a good voice and did a lot of period ghost stories. I like his reading of the Algernon Blackwood story “The Kit Bag” which is actually quite festive as it’s set just before Christmas.

        Also the theatre company Boxtale Soup did an audio recording of “Casting the Runes” during lockdown which is really well done I think.

    9. Blomma*

      I often re-listen to the audiobook of “Hercule Poirot’s Christmas” by Agatha Christie this time of year. Hugh Fraser always does a good job narrating Christie mysteries.

    10. Anonymous Cat*

      Not a podcast but Lucy Worsley has a history tv show called 12 Days of Tudor Christmas. If you have access to the video, you could listen to it while it streams and you’re doing something.

    11. LBD*

      One year I started out very early on Christmas morning to catch a ferry, and happened to come across Documentary on One: The Reindeer Santa Left Behind on CBC radio as I drove the hour or so to the ferry terminal. I try to listen to it every year, and remember how delighted I was to have something unexpectedly interesting to listen to on my journey!

    12. GoryDetails*

      Evergreen Tidings from the Baumgartners by Gretchen Anthony – I enjoyed the audiobook of this one, which ranged from “wacky housewife wildly over-commits to holiday planning” to deeply-touching family relationship story.

      A Lot Like Christmas by Connie Willis is a collection of short stories, some dark, some sweet – speculative fiction included. I really like these.

      Hogfather by Terry Pratchett: a very funny, sometimes creepy, and surprisingly touching tale in which an assassin has worked out how to kill such anthropomorphic personalities as the Hogfather (the Discworld’s Santa Claus) – leaving none other than Death to take Santa’s place while his daughter tries to thwart the evil plans. I enjoyed the original audiobook version of this, and I see there’s a more recent one with Bill Nighy as one of the narrators – will have to check that one out myself!

    13. Puffshroom*

      This an amazing list – thanks so much everyone. Really looking forward to working my through all of them. :)

    15. Fellow Traveller*

      The Beat Christmas Pageant Ever read by Elaine Stritch- hilarious, makes me laugh. We listen to it every year.

    16. Hedwig*

      Shedunnit is available on BBC Sounds and is a great podcast about the golden age of detective fiction. There are five Christmas episodes: Crime at Christmas; Let it Snow; A Christie for Christmas; The Murderless Christmas; and this year’s is about Father Christmas.

    17. Karstmama*

      Depending, of course, on your interests, there’s a fantastic YouTube video by Abby Cox where she just fully nerds out on the perfection of the costumes in A Muppet Christmas Carol.

    18. rm*

      Masters in This Hall by K.J. Charles is set in Victorian UK at Christmas. Well researched historical Christmas entertainments! Fun, witty dialog, cute romance, house party hijinks, detective novella. I don’t see an audiobook but as a short, $1.99 ebook it’s a great value.

    19. RC*

      Equally nonreligious/not really into most of the normal stuff, but Tim Minchin‘s White Wine in the Sun (it‘s a song, not a podcast) gets me every year.

  5. Weekend Warrior*

    Big thanks to the posters who recommended using a wash cloth for the initial dry off in the shower. I upgraded to a hand towel :) and it’s been a game changer. My issue wasn’t needing to keep warm like other posters but not being able to handle a big towel easily due to a hand injury. Showers were so awkward but it never occurred to me to just use a smaller towel!

    Any other suggestions for small but life-improving hacks?

    A couple of mine might be to fill the kettle and set out the tea things before going to bed. Also to shower first thing in the morning on days where later is optional – unless lunch in pyjamas is the treat you want!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I do this with my coffee things! Kettle is filled, and mug/French press are at least washed, even if they’re sitting in the dish drainer, haha. Mostly it’s because it takes me an ungodly long time to actually wake up so I need to be able to make that cup automatically. And if I’m going to the office, even five minutes spent mucking about when I don’t mean to can cause me to miss my bus.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        The exact same actions just seem to take longer in the morning and it’s a treat to just flip a switch. :)

    2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Using a squeegee on the walls and tub after a shower helps keep mildew at bay. If mildew does get a toehold on the caulking, a soak with 3% hydrogen peroxide will kill it (may take 2-3 applications) and bleach the caulk white again.

    3. Weekend Warrior*

      I thought of another “hack” I really enjoy. When I’m filling out my planner for the next year, as well as things like birthdays and appointments, I add in little surprises for myself, e.g. poems, reminders about seasonal books I want to read, concerts and other events on the date but also in advance so I can consider booking, postcards of a painting or beautiful landscape. It’s always a treat to flip over a weekly page and see a thought from my past self waiting in the week ahead. Going to try to plant a few of these every month for 2025.

      2. acmx*

        I like learning what extras others do with their planners!
        I like this idea and will try to incorporate something similar.

    4. Just here for the scripts*

      I need to drink more water (in a form that’s not. Coffee. Not .tea). So I fill a large 12oz glass of water and leave it in the counter in the AM on days when I work from home—seeing it there reminds me to drink it, and I’m finding in refilling it 2- (gasp)4 times a day!

      Larger. Containers do not help me—I actually get overwhelmed and discouraged (I see it and it never seems move in level) by larger sized containers. But the 12 oz glass can get a dent made in it while I’m warming back up my coffee in the micro, between washing offer mugs in the sink, or toasting a bagel. And when it’s almost empty, a quick sip empties it and I can refill it easily and quickly!

      1. Observer*

        I found that putting a fairly large cup – that’s not see through – by my desk works well for hydration. Every so often I just drink some, and I don’t get sidetracked or discouraged by the water level.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Prepping ingredients for cooking. I work afternoon/evening shifts, and am often NOT in the mood to cook when I get home, especially from scratch. But what really makes it an ordeal a lot of the time is allllll the prep work-dicing veggies, getting broth made, and so on. If I do that in the morning before work, I can have a hot dinner at night without eating at midnight.

      1. EngineerRN*

        I do this to! And “cooking ahead” – on days when I have more time to prepare dinner, I do tasks that help prepare for busier days, like cutting up the veggies or prepping meat for 2 meals at once.

        I’ll also plan harder-to-prep meals make great leftovers strategically. Like last night I made roast chicken & made stock from the bones, and now we’ll have stuff to make chicken soup quickly on Monday, and chicken quesadillas on Wednesday (2 very busy evenings this week).

    6. Red Rose*

      My keys always hook on the handle of the bolt inside my front door, no matter what. It’s always the first thing I do when I get home, before taking my shoes off even. This saves me searching for them when I leave, but more importantly, it means I am very unlikely to accidentally lock myself out by going out without my keys. (I have the kind of door that automatically locks behind you when you exit and I live alone, so I do worry about this!)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have a brass dish I put mine in. They always go in that dish. It makes a lovely dingggggg sound when they scrape it as I pick them up. :)

    7. Pam Adams*

      I make my breakfast protein drink in advance, mixing up two or three at a time. I got a set of small. shaker bottles, so I can just grab one, shake and drink.

    8. ElastiGirl*

      When I get dressed today, I choose what I’m going to wear tomorrow. The whole outfit. It makes tomorrow so much easier and keeps me on schedule.

      1. Catagorical*

        I lay out all my clothes the night before, including socks, underwear and shoes. This helps as I seem to wake up gradually and saves me looking for stuff last minute.

        I also put anything I need to take in front of the door so I can’t get out without moving it.

    9. Shiny Penny*

      If I have an appointment tomorrow, then before I go to bed I’ll set a bunch of alarms on my phone to keep me on track to actually get there on time.
      I work backwards: leave house, leave house in 30 minutes, leave house in 60 minutes, take shower, walk dog, eat breakfast, wake up.
      This has been transformative. I’m now a person who is on time to appointments 95% of the time! All it took was admitting “pay more attention/try harder” was not EVER going to be the strategy that worked for me, lol.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        What we do for our calendars at our house is put the time we must leave as the time in the calendar, then add othet info in the notes field, like
        ‘Leave at 4:45 to arrive at 6:00 for party.
        Bring cookies and extra chairs Sue asked for.” Party st 123 Main st.
        I need to implement the alarm system for Mr Middle Aged Lady because he has ADHD and underestimates how long it will take him to get ready. He’s come a long way but I still have to nudge and remind him sometimes.

      2. Ess in Tee*

        I do this on mornings I have work. There’s the wakeup alarm, then alarms set at ten minute intervals that keep me on track so I don’t miss the train. I have a tendency to dawdle and get distracted so I need reminders that I should get out the door. The alarms aren’t set in stone, but more along the lines of “ah, that’s the X:XX alarm, I should have my coffee in my flask and socks on by now” or “okay, I can easily take another X minutes to brush my teeth and then I’ll need to be out the door.”

  6. Tabby Baltimore*

    I think “Griffin looking over railing” is going to join “Eve, on the bannister, where she should not be” as the 2nd most terrifying AAM cat photo. (If I can find which column it’s attached to, I’ll post the link in a reply.)

    1. Festively Dressed Earl*

      “I think “Griffin looking over railing” is going to join “Eve, on the bannister, where she should not be” as the 2nd most terrifying most adorable AAM cat photo.”

      Fixed that for you.

    3. 653-CXK*

      “Hai thair…ai no that yur tayking pikture fur websait, but whai do u luk so skeered? Ai prawmis ai woant jump…”

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Ah! Reminds me of Snoopy sitting over his doghouse pretending to be Fierce Vulture. Tiny little cat, but he’s up to something…..

  7. Green Mug*

    Does anyone have one of those indoor gardens with the pods and light bars? I received one as a gift. Any tips? It came with basil. When can I eat the basil? Can I have use basil pod and a tomato pod at the same time? I appreciate any insight. Typically I kill plants within two months.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Aerogarden, I assume? My husband currently has tomatoes growing in one on my kitchen counter. He did lettuces for a while, then decided to switch it up and put in herb pods. They produced so much he ended up just throwing a bunch of it away because he couldn’t get through it fast enough, and now he’s on the tomatoes. They haven’t flowered yet.

      I’m not aware of any reason you couldn’t mix your pods up.

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        Not to hijack the thread, but adding a quick question here: does an aerogarden only work with their pods, or can you grow other seeds in there too? I’m curious about trying one but not sure how much of a “restriction” the pods are.

        1. Professor Plum*

          Yes, you can plant your own seeds. There are many options available on Amazon for the sponges and baskets, and then add your own seeds. Tying it back to the original question—there are so many types of basil that are fun to explore: lemon basil, lime basil, lettuce leaf basil (giant leaves that you can use to make a wrap from), cinnamon basil—really fun to explore!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          You can get a “grow anything” pod set, where you can put your own seeds into a pod framework so it fits into the slots – basically the same as the regular pods, just add-your-own-seeds. I’ve not tried it, but it is an option. I don’t think you could just plant seeds in it without a pod though, they just wouldn’t really have anywhere to go.

        3. Not joking*

          Aerogarden is closing, per their website. A great article on Wired does point people to other resources. Just so you know!

          1. Professor Plum*

            Yes—such a bummer. New units are still available at a discount on Amazon. Most of the ones I own are used—and I just scored another at the thrift store today. There are definitely hydroponic units from other companies if someone is uncertain about buying from a company that is closing. But for those who already own one, keep on using them!

    2. RagingADHD*

      You can start picking a few leaves of basil as soon as it has 4-5 leaves, but make sure you always leave some to keep growing. If you cut or pinch them off from the top, it will encourage the plant to branch out and get more bushy.

    3. Just Another Cog*

      My husband has used the one I gave him for several years. They work great and he grows all sorts of herbs and greens in it. In fact, he bought a much larger model when he taught culinary arts at the high school and the students grew salad vegs in it as well as herbs for cooking. The only thing you’ll need to do is be sure it is located somewhere where the very bright light won’t bother you. Our last house had a basement shop, which is where it was kept and now we have it in our garage because it doesn’t get as cold in our new state. I know they show them on kitchen counters on the box, but unless your bedroom is on another floor, the light may drive you nuts.

    4. Professor Plum*

      With herbs, lettuces and greens, you can usually grow them all in the same unit. Flowering plants like tomatoes and peppers want to be on their own—they have differing nutrient needs. Also for tomatoes and peppers look for microdwarf varieties that stay small, and only plant one pod for every three holes in your unit. Be sure to cover unused holes to help prevent algae growth—I use golf balls to cover mine.

      If you end up with more basil, or other herbs, I like making basil salt.

      One of my favorite greens to grow is tatsoi—it’s a rich dark green that grows in a big rosette. I grow pods in a 6-pod Harvest unit because of how wide they get. Easy to snip off leaves to add to my eggs each morning, or a salad or to sauté with other veggies. I’d never heard of tatsoi until I started researching what to grow in my aerogardens.

      The Facebook group Aerogarden, Kratky & Gardening Fanatics is extremely helpful and I’ve learned a lot there. You can also find good info in the Aerogarden subreddit.

      1. Just Another Cog*

        The golf ball idea is a great one for empty pod holes! I’m passing that one along to the Aerogardener in the house!

    5. I take tea*

      There are some things that don’t grow well together, and some things that like each other. Do a search for “companion planting” to check it out.

    6. LBD*

      When I have access to a basil plant, as well as using it in the usual ways, I also use it like lettuce, in salads and sandwiches.

      1. Professor Plum*

        I like to make my own low-fat basil dressing. I don’t have any measurements, it’s all by eye or taste—and it depends on how much I want to make. I’ll use plain Greek yogurt, white wine vinegar with a good amount of fresh basil and salt. Optionally I add a bit of garlic, ginger and lemongrass from the tubes of these available as a paste. Put everything into a wide mouth mason jar and blend with an immersion blender. If it’s not thick enough, add more yogurt. If it’s too thick, you can thin with a little bit of milk or water. It keeps for quite awhile in the frig—you may need to stir if the whey separates.

    7. Green Mug*

      Thank you so much everyone! I can see that the plants have 5 leaves now, so I will try some today. It’s so exciting to have a fresh herb in the kitchen!

    8. ampersand*

      You can mix your pods! I kill all plants (not on purpose) and my Aerogarden plants are the only thing that have survived my black thumb. They’re amazing.

      We ended up with so much basil we had to start giving it to neighbors. We ate it once we needed to clear out some space so it didn’t just take over our counter. It grows very well!

    9. Green Mug*

      I used some fresh basil in some meatballs tonight. I could cry from the joy of it. What a difference a fresh herb makes! Thank you for all the tips. I had no idea I could do so much with basil. I am searching for basil salt recipe now.

  8. Does Everyone Else Travel for Weeks Orrr?*

    I could use some kind, calm redirects when my mom complains about the length of my Christmas visit. For the record, it’s a five day trip. Yes, two of those days involve travel (expensive, exhausting travel – for me!) but I was careful to book flights so we get quality time on both days – it’s not like I get in at midnight and leave at 6AM. My mom has already started complaining it’s too short and they’ll “barely get to see me.” *One time* I was between jobs and came for two weeks, which I think set her expectations of what a “real” visit is. I don’t want to spend the whole five days being guilted or feeling annoyed and I really don’t want to start a fight. She’s not going to get through the trip without Saying Her Piece at least once or twice, maybe under her breath or as a throwaway comment a third time. Is everyone else really staying two weeks? What can I say to help her move past my terrible cruelty?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Possibly something along the lines of “I’m here, let’s enjoy it (instead of complaining about it).”

      1. Not joking*

        I would say this but add an “I love you, and I’m here, and happy to see you! Let’s enjoy it!”

        I would really have to try hard not to say, “so let’s not complain!” And she might hear that, but I think you can truly say you didn’t say it

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, I put that part in parentheses because I wasn’t sure – I don’t see my parents at Christmas most years and if I do it’s for like 2 days, and they’re thrilled and don’t give me a hard time, so it was theoretical for me. Your way is better I think :)

    2. Orange m&m*

      I’ve read trying something along the lines of this:
      Mom: “Your visit is just too short”
      You: Gives hug, “Mom, I love you. Hey, can you show me how to make those napkin swans?”

    3. Rara Avis*

      My husband and I, being teachers, get two weeks. My brother and wife don’t. So my parents, who are retired, come to us. (Somehow both of us ended up living on the opposite coast from our parents.)

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Could you just agree with her general gripe without suggesting in the slightest that future visits will be longer? “Yes, it would be nice to have that much time off, wouldn’t it?”, and I’d try for a light tone.

      I always wonder why a parent would think that guilting and badgering their adult children will make the children visit more often or stay longer than the barest gritted-teeth minimum. It’s such a sad and counterproductive way to be.

      1. Good one*

        I prefer this because it has no hard justification or explanation in it, so OP can hopefully circumvent the ingrained emotional reaction of feeling required to defend themself. That might change some of the overall pattern.

      2. HannahS*

        This is exactly what I would do. If your goal is to respond without playing into the conflict, find a way to agree!
        “Yes, I wish I could stay longer.”
        “Yes, it’s too bad, isn’t it?”
        “Yeah, I miss when I was young and we had the whole two weeks off school. Remember that time when…”

    5. Mostly Managing*

      Explain to her once, the first time she complains, that you are using all your available time and travel budget to be with her. After that, she gets the same answer every time:
      “Mom. This is all the time I have. Can we enjoy what we have?”

      I’m sorry she can’t just enjoy what she gets!

      1. Travel Orrr*

        I think she can guess this isn’t all the literal time I could have possibly spent. I get three weeks per year at work, so I think she’s assuming *at least* two of those weeks should be “hers” between Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday, and a summer family trip – maybe more like 2.5 …

    6. MissB*

      I told my youngest kid Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year today because he’s out of country and will be so remote that he won’t have cell service until the 2nd week of January. He’s 25. He asked us several months ago if we minded if he missed Christmas. I told him that he’s an adult, he gets to choose when and if he comes home and for how long! He’s young enough that these sorts of months long adventures will be less and less frequent.

      My oldest, however, is coming home for 2 weeks, lol. We text a lot each day and talk at least once a day, often twice. I mostly let him reach out, initiating a text every few days so he doesn’t feel like he’s doing all the work in our parent/child relationship.

      I don’t understand why some parents do guilt trips. Isn’t it less likely you’ll want to come home if she’s doing snide comments etc?

      I’m so sorry. Be firm on your boundary, and call out her actions when they happen.

      1. Annie*

        Some, I imagine, are repeating “scripts” from popular media, other family, etc. and have it ingrained in their “this is what family says to each other” bank. Others really do have the emotional reactions to family members’ actions, and it comes out this way.

        I feel like a lot of insensitive or thoughtless comments that are common perpetuate as media tropes and inherited social scripts.

      2. Not joking*

        My mom does explain she likes me and loves me and is expressing that to me so that I know I’m not a burden to her when I come visit – like she’s genuinely letting me know she loves to host me! She’s also happy to visit me and I know that feeling

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree on the senselessness of guilt trips. Not guilting your kids can produce kids who WANT to spend time with you.

        My parents never guilt tripped me about spending more time with them, even though I’m sure they would have liked that. Guess who accordingly did want to come home and spend a bunch of time with them during the summer and during winter vacations? (Admittedly, I am in education, so I have more time “off” to spend.). And guess who chose to blow nearly her entire sabbatical dealing with her widowed dad’s multiple complex and dangerous health issues?

        My parents never guilt tripped me about calling them. When they were very old, guess who called them every single night to make sure they were okay?

        My parents never guilt tripped me about living far away. Guess who eventually decided that she WANTED to move closer to them when they got older to be more available if they needed me?

        Set your kids free and let them live their lives without guilt, and if you have a good relationship, knock wood, they’ll want to spend more time with you!

    7. Alex*

      I don’t know, but solidarity. You and I apparently have the same mom.

      I haven’t found the magic words to make her stop, but I do remind myself of a few things.

      First, no matter how long I stay, she will complain. If I say I’m staying three days, she will beg for four. If I say I’m staying seven, she will beg for eight. It’s like a reflex for her. So I just tell myself her complaining about my selfishness/cruelty is inevitable and not really even about me.

      Second, I remind myself I’m giving what I have to give. I allocate a certain amount of time I feel I can manage, and that is what I have to offer. Frankly, she can either take it or leave it.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Yes to all this. My mother constantly guilt trips me with calling her more often. Not once has that increased the frequency of my calls. And it’s clearly not about me – rather, her own expectations based on her attachment style and the relationship she had with my grandmother.

        Sometimes I snap and say “I’ll only want to call you less if you keep saying that”. It hasn’t made her stop yet, but hard truths repeated over time are the only way she gets any message (after one particularly harsh “we are not having this conversation again” she no longer dares to comment about my weight, which is a huge win for me).

        2. Just Another Cog*

          The weight thing, Argh! Your Mom sounds just like my late MIL. My spouse has always had weight issues and she never passed by an opportunity to bring it to his attention. Our response was always “Yep. Something he’s aware of!” Maybe we should have been more direct like you, CFB. But also, some of the comments she made about the frequency of our calls to her made us wonder if she had a calendar where she kept track. It was unnerving.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            My dad dated this horrid woman after my mom died who harassed her diabetic son at Thanksgiving dinner, ganging up on him with his sister to criticize his weight, demand info on his A1C, etc. When he didn’t want to come to Thanksgiving the next year, she blamed her son’s wife for somehow alienating him from her. Zero self awareness.

            1. I Have RBF*

              Oooof.

              Too bad he didn’t say “Why would I come to eat with people who abuse me about my weight?”

              Seriously, zero self awareness or empathy.

    9. Decidedly Me*

      We’re doing 1 full day with one set of family and 4 with the other (who are going to complain that it’s too short while the other side is super thankful we’re carving out a day for them) and then 4 days to ourselves to recover from the holidays. So, about 2 weeks total counting travel days, but not the whole time with family and some days are semi-working. I don’t think I could survive 2 weeks with family to be honest…

      1. Travel Orrr*

        Yes, the problem is I am “budgeting” to give myself a few days in the New Year, which I think she suspects. I don’t feel bad about it but I don’t think there’s a productive conversation to be had there, and it’s not that she’s doing anything wrong – it’s just been a sh*t year, I find travel exhausting, and I’m broke, so every day I’m gone the expense are racking up in terms of petsitting etc

    10. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      My mom does the same. I got annoyed, until my SO reminded me — this is the way she’s saying she loves me. (We don’t say “I love you” in my family.) It’s her way of expressing she’s glad I’m there, and although realistically I can’t spend more time, she’s just glad I’m there.

      So when I am there, I focus on spending time with her. Doing small errands like grocery shopping and pushing the shopping cart for her while she slowly browses the produce. Or sharing an ice cream cone (which she shouldn’t because of her health, but it’s a small indulgence that’s not too unhealthy if we share). So relish the small moments.

      And when she does say it, I ignore it, or I sigh and say “yes, but I still have to work” and then change topics.

      1. Travel Orrr*

        Yes, honestly she is saying “I love you.” It’s just hard for me to hear it that way sometimes.

    11. Shiny Penny*

      I came across this fantastic advice for dealing well with people who are mentally ill or have dementia:
      Respond to the **emotion expressed,** not to the factual error.
      It is so helpful in a ton of other human interactions as well!

      So in this situation, you might try responding as if your Mom had said “I miss you and I wish I could see you more often!”
      Like, “Gosh I miss you, too! Four days seems so short— I feel like I miss you already!”
      Or, just segue into something like, “Yes! Remember when I was in college and I got to come home for three weeks and eat all your home cooking and do all my laundry? Those were special times!”
      I find segueing to historical reminiscences to be a huge and especially easy win in these situations. I would totally enjoy going down so many roads here— like “How often were you able to go back for Christmas once you had moved away and gotten a job? It was hard, I bet!” “How did you stay connected to your grandmother at holidays, as a young adult when you couldn’t go see her?” Etc etc.)

      I also think of this as treating the other person’s (difficult) conversational gambits as if the two of you were doing comedy improv together. Give them a “Yes, And” style of response— remembering that the “And” that you contribute can go in ANY DIRECTION!!!

      Also, if you respond in a ‘connecting’ way, instead of a conflict-y/disagreeing way (essentially “and” instead of “but”) it increases the odds that she will be able to shift away from the emotional rut of “we are not connected enough,” and she might mellow out on the kind of comments that set your teeth on edge!

      1. Travel Orrr*

        This feels right, I think. If I agreed with her too overtly, I think she’d just get hurt/confused next time I also didn’t come for two weeks – since we *both agreed* that was desirable, why don’t we set a two-week visit on the calendar right now, when my vacation rolls over? Why don’t we book two weeks for next Christmas since we both agree that would be the best? But if I just warmly redirect and agree that we love each other (not that I need to come for two weeks), that will probably be the easiest/best option.
        Honestly it’s a bit weird she forgets that after about five days she is sick of me being underfoot in her house/making a mess/ “ganging up on her” with my dad etc … but I do not forget!

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Is she the kind of person who growls her love at you? These examples kind of remind me of some people I know who have a zero-saccharine setting; the more mushy they feel they more they complain about minutiae, and cuff you about the ear. If this sounds at all right, would simply responding with “Aww, I love you too” land at all well? Or possibly even teasing her, or growling back yourself ‘Lets hear you say that again once I’ve been messing up your house for five days and eating all the leftovers”. Don’t do the latter if you think she feels at all criticised by your not being on board for max-length Christmas, or if she’s under the very particular type of social pressure which I like to call “Women everywhere must make Christmas better than last year, every year”.

    12. Hyaline*

      I feel like how to deal with this hinges on why she is saying these things. If she’s just expressing (understandable) disappointment that time is finite and your visit can’t be longer, I think just acknowledging the emotion that she’s having and then gently redirecting into enjoying the time that you have makes a lot of sense. “I know, it’s frustrating to have a limited time off. Should we take a walk in the park or bake cookies next?” But if she’s actually trying to guilt trip you— that is, she feels that you should have made your visit longer despite your time constraints— it might be uncomfortable, but I actually think that having a boundaries setting conversation with her if you haven’t done that already would be worthwhile. So if say you get two weeks of vacation and your mom really truly believes you should spend the whole time with her, assert that that is not going to happen. “I know it’s disappointing that my visits have to be short, mom, but I only get two weeks per year. While love spending time with you, I have to budget those days very strictly as I have other trips and commitments I value as well. A longer visit simply isn’t possible right now.“

    13. AK_Blue*

      Arriving at 11:00 pm and departing at 6 am and only staying for three full days! My parents were in my town a lot this past year for medical stuff, so I am planning on reminding them of the time we already enjoyed together this year. My spouse is staying home with our dog so my other plan is to remind them I need to spend time with _my_family.

    14. KateM*

      I’m going to have a Skype Santa with my parents and the rest of family as I have had for years now. No travelling at all. Maybe you should try it – perhaps it would reset your mother’s expectations and five days would look quite a lot for her in the future? :D

    15. EngineerRN*

      Before she has the chance to complain:

      “Mom, I don’t want to waste time during this visit. I’m here for the time I can be right now in my life, let’s focus on enjoying each other’s company.”

      You are not being cruel, she is being unreasonable and selfish. There are MANY ways she can stay connected with you other than being physically in your presence. I’ve never lived close to my parents as an adult, and one of the closest relationships I have outside my spouse & kids is my mom! We talk on the phone, chat, exchange memes & pictures, write letters and cards, etc.

      If are wants to know about your life, she needs to make an effort to step into your preferred methods of communication, and make that communication pleasant and comfortable.

  9. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Has anyone here ever been to Coconut Grove? I’m eyeing it as a long-weekend trip for my husband’s birthday next month. He’s been wanting to take a trip on the new Brightline train, so I figured I’d pick a place in South Florida to explore.

    1. Tammy 2*

      I used to live nearby. Vizcaya is well worth a visit. If you are a book person, Books & Books in Coral Gables is wonderful. If you go to South Beach to look at art deco architecture, Big Pink is a fun kitschy lunch spot.

    2. NB*

      My daughter goes to college in Miami and lives in Coconut Grove. If you like ice cream, you might want to visit Salt & Straw. Delicious and creative flavors. She also took us to a club on the water–I think it was Regatta Grove??? I’m not really into the club scene, but even I thought their set up there was pretty cool. We also went to a good restaurant called Motek. I still think about the meal we had there.

      I guess all I want to do when I travel is eat.

  10. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I just (around 5 min ago) finished All That She Lost by Dalal Mawad. It’s a painful but good nonfiction book about the current situation in Lebanon, focused primarily but not exclusively on the effects of the Aug 4 2020 explosion in Beirut. It’s well-written, interesting, and worth reading, but parts are definitely grim.

    1. Rara Avis*

      I loved The God of the Woods (Liz Moore), so I’m reading one of her earlier books, Long Bright River.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I did the same about a month ago and I loved Long Bright River even more!!!

        Then I read Heft. Don’t recommend that one. An entirely different feel.

    2. Annie Edison*

      I’m about half way through Jameela Green Ruins Everything. It’s a farcical story about a very average middle-aged American Muslim woman who ends up getting sucked into a terrorist plot and assassination attempt on the leader of a terrorist organization that’s basically ISIS, but in the novel is known as DICK (short for Dominion of the Islamic Caliphate and Kingdom). It’s absurd and funny and I can’t stop reading it. Highly recommend

    3. word nerd*

      I recently finished The Death of the Necromancer, one of the Ile-Rien series by Martha Wells, which was fun and had some Sherlock-Holmesy vibes. I also binged John Scalzi’s Interdependency trilogy, but I was disappointed by the ending.

      I’m currently in the middle of Haruki Murakami’s latest book, The City and Its Uncertain Walls, which I have some ambivalence about. I think when I first started reading Murakami, it all seemed so fresh and interesting, but now his work all seems pretty much the same to me. While I considered stopping this book at first, I’ve kept going because the story has slowly drawn me in and made me want to see how things turn out. And every once in a while I find a line that’s lovely and that I want to savor.

      1. Double A*

        Murakami is so ephemeral to me. I’ve read a lot of his books and I don’t remember a thing from any of them. I can’t even say I liked them, even though I didn’t dislike them. They just kind of dissolve. The only one that stuck with me is his memoir about running.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Ohhh, I can’t wait to read that Murasaki! I can’t buy any books until after Christmas so I don’t mess up Husband’s shopping.

      3. CityMouse*

        Martha Wells is a tough one for me because I love Murderbot but almost DNF the Witch King. What are her other books like?

        1. MeMyselfI*

          Try The Cloud Roads – this is the first of her books/stories about the Raksura. I liked these a lot, though they are different from Murderbot.

          I also almost stopped reading The Witch King. I did finish it and liked it by the end, but it was tough to get into. The Raksura books, if you like fantasy, are much more engaging.

        2. word nerd*

          My favorite non-Murderbot Martha Wells is the Fall of Ile-Rien series (The Wizard Hunters, The Ships of Air, and The Gate of the Gods), which has some fun steampunk elements. But her fantasy writing is very different from Murderbot, and it’s ok if you prefer to stick to Murderbot! I’ve never been able to get into her Raksura books myself.

      4. Karstmama*

        Love Interdependency but hate how it ends, love Murderbot but don’t like her other works very much, just this fall got into the Discworld stories. The audible books of them are great!

    4. Double A*

      I’m almost done with Lonesome Dove (by which I mean I only have about 200 pages) and what can I say but wow.

      But it’s weird because I was reading 7 books then whittled it down, moved a couple of DNF status, and now for the first time in a long time I’m only reading one book.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I loved reading Lonesome Dove – and for me the mini-series version with Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones was perfection, one of the best book-to-screen adaptations of all time. (It did change a few things here and there but overall it was spot-on, and the performances…. just wow.)

        One cautionary note: while quite a few main characters did survive the events of the novel, many of them didn’t make it through the sequels (or even properly into a sequel at all), so be warned!

    5. AcademiaNut*

      And older SF book, Children of the Atom by Wilmar H. Shiras (1953). The basic setup is a batch of mutant kids (the result of a nuclear accident that killed their parents not long after their births) with super intelligence.

      It’s a really interesting read. Very psychological in a Jungian way – there is a school psychologist who makes friends with one of the kids. The kids are interesting and varied, and the book is fundamentally very morally decent. There are a set of adults working hard to help and nurture the kids, the kids help each other, and when they are threatened by frightened people, they talk the mob out of their panic.

      1. Angstrom*

        You might be interested in the 1960 British movie “Village of the Dammned”, about a group of children with extraordinary powers.

        1. Hibiscus*

          Aka The Midwich Cuckoos, which is the title of the novel that inspired the movie and the new BBC/BritBox adaptation.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            YESSSS I love John Wyndham. I might re-up my BritBox account for that. He also wrote Day of the Triffids!

    6. TomfoolofaTook*

      Jane, Unlimited, by Kristin Cashore, is fascinating and intricate and has a heroine you really root for. It is fantasy, but well rooted in human feeling.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Reading through my Christmas books, just blitzed a fun little bauble called The Twelve Terrors of Christmas, with text by John Updike and Edmond Gorey illustrations. My favorite is seven, The Christmas Tree: “At night, you can hear it rustling and slurping water out of its bucket.”

    8. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Just finished How To Pronounce Knife by Souvankham Thammavongsa. It’s a short story collection about Lao immigrants. Right up my alley, as I often seek out narratives that focus on displacement, identity and belonging. This one was a little hit and miss for me in terms of resonance, but the stories I did like really left a mark, and I appreciated they’re very short (my reading attention span isn’t the best right now).

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison. Maia is the unwanted son of the unwanted fifth empress, living in a small rural spot with a guardian who hates him only because he’s not important enough to assassinate. Until everyone between him and the throne is assassinated, and he’s catapulted into a job he wasn’t trained for. There’s a Vorkosigan-esque focus on figuring out who he can trust, and who will do a good job, because he can’t run all aspects of the government himself even if he had been properly trained in governance.

      I quite liked this–actual violence is almost all off-screen, but the feeling of politics as a blood sport is very strong. It neatly sidestepped some tropes I find grating: Maia is very clear that the paths before him are “emperor” and “corpse” and doesn’t spend time bemoaning how he always dreamed of being a bard/historian/explorer. The story catches him at a liminal point, where he has realized that his childhood fantasies of gaining recognition are not realistic, but hasn’t yet replaced them with a new path that might be achievable–that state where you aren’t still the first thing but not yet the second thing. It addresses how the parties in an arranged marriage might be unthrilled about the politics constraining their choices, while also recognizing that if you are supported by your people’s tax dollars, finding personal fulfillment should not be the thing motivating your choices.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I’ve been binging Goblin Empower as my bedtime audiobook. It’s so soothing. I also love the sequels, which focus on a different character, a priest who can speak to the dead.

      2. eisa*

        “Witness for the Dead”, which follows a character who was introduced in Goblin King, is one of the very best books I know. Please read it too :)

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I picked up Nexus by Yuval Harari. I have been thinking a lot of late about the effects of living in a garbage hose of disinformation, and something I return to is a point from his book Sapiens about how humans bootstrapped ourselves via shared narratives about the world. Our narratives are splintering–both agreement about what is real, and agreement about more philosophical questions. Nexus popped up as a look at information and how it is shared. Just started it, but I expect it will at least give me some interesting lines of thought.

    11. I take tea*

      I just read Lois Lowry’s The Giver. I hadn’t read it before for some reason, I’m not in the US, but I have read other things by her and liked it and I usually like YA dystopian tales. Apparently I just have never come across it. Anyway, my partner was listening to a podcast about banned books and thought that The Giver sounded interesting and asked me to pick it up from the library. I did and thought I’d have a look at it and I couldn’t put it down. I really liked how it presents the orderly world that everyone takes for granted and slowly we start seeing what they have given up to reach that order.

      I can understand how this book can simultaneously be on the required reading list in some schools and on the banned list on others. It sure opens the possibility to discuss the ideal community.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I LOVE that book. It was my introduction to dystopian/sci-fi when I was around 10 and I still think it’s one of the best examples. The sequel Gathering Blue is also pretty good, but I wasn’t a fan of Messenger. The fourth one, Son, I don’t remember a lot about except that I felt like the sections of it mirrored my feelings on the other 3 books.

    12. Just Another Cog*

      I just finished “Small Fry” by Lisa Brennan-Jobs, about her relationships with her Mom, Dad, Steve Jobs and her stepmother, while growing up. Told from her perspective as a kid, it gave me the impression that she never felt like she belonged in either household and none of the adults come off as great parents. Reading about her life now, it seems like she has thrived in spite of it all.

    13. Old fashioned bookworm*

      I’m midway through an old series: Jalna or the Whiteoak Chronicles by Mazo de la Roche. it’s a family saga about a fictional family in Ontario, covering about 100 years. It’s old fashioned (16 volumes written between the 1920s and 1950s) and with varied quality of writing, but a good clean soap opera. I had heard about it since I was a kid (every library seemed to have them here in Michigan). I found all but two volumes in free pdf downloads and am enjoying them.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, Jalna! I have not thought of those for decades! Thank you! I will put them on my 2026 reading list to rediscover, as my 2025 is already filled.

    14. GoryDetails*

      A couple of intense novels:

      A Case of Exploding Mangoes by Mohammed Hanif, set in Pakistan and inspired by a real-world plane crash – but in the novel there are multiple plot-threads and character-viewpoints filling in the details as to who’s plotting to do what to whom, and why.

      American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins: this one, set in Mexico, opens with a young boy hiding in his family home’s toilet when cartel henchmen open fire on a family party. Everyone but the boy and his mother are killed, and they must flee their home and try to get across the border into the US if they are to save themselves – but the cartel knows they’ve survived and wants to ensure that they don’t make it.

      Audiobook: I just found a new-to-me version of Hogfather on audio, and will be listening to that! (Had to have something a bit lighter after those previous books…)

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      Two for me this week. I am still luxuriating in Fernando Pessoa’s The Book of Disquiet (translated by Richard Zenith). Page after page of dreamy aphorisms and baffling koan-like statements. I don’t want it to end.

      And before I kick off The Year of Penguin Classics (1-2 per week in 2025, inspired by reading Pessoa, can’t wait, starting next week because I just can’t stand it), I am being dazzled by Mhudi by Sol T Plaatje, described as the first novel ever published in English by a Black South African writer. It was originally published in 1930, and was recently reprinted by the awesome Waveland Press in Illinois which mostly publishes textbooks but has an imprint in their Literature, Language and Writing catalog for lesser-known African writers (and as an aside they do the same for Caribbean, Latin American and Asian writers with excellent lists for all – worth exploring). The title character, Mhudi, is a young woman working as a harvester. Her romance with a birdman (exactly like it sounds) takes place during tribal wars in the 1830s. Plaatje corrects all the White authors’ biases, prejudices and ignorance about Black lives, and the typical narrative that women are passive. It’s a marvelous read – both as a story and as a historical milestone.

    16. Lurker*

      They’re not really new, but Agatha Christie’s novels are some excellent detective fiction. I just recently started making my way through her novels and they’re great!

    17. GoryDetails*

      And: I finished my last carrying-around book (the marvelous A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers), and have started The Long and Short of It by Jodi Taylor, a collection of stories set in the “Chronicles of St. Mary’s” time-traveling-academics series, some with a holiday theme.

      1. International Gifting*

        I love A Closed and a Common Orbit so much!! I always recommend the Wayfairer series but that book is just an incredible standout.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Based on a recommendation here, I ordered *The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi*, which I am hoping to start. I was intrigued to see that there is a Spanish translation, so I’m going to try that one to practice my Spanish reading! I may also re-read some *Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle* (on a Betty MacDonald jag).

    19. Jamie Starr*

      Mistress of Rome Kate Quinn. This was billed as historical fiction and romance. I haven’t read romance since…high school? I foolishly thought it would be more historical fiction than romance I guess? It was not, except the “romance” was [spoiler] usually kind of violent. And one of the main characters was a gladiator so there was all sorts of gladiator violence. Plus some of the writing was just…so cheesy that I literally laughed out loud. It wasn’t awful, but it got to a point where I was like, “This book is so dumb.” Evidently it’s the first in a series; I won’t be reading the others.

      I just started Rules of Civility by Amor Towles and am liking it.

      1. allx*

        I love Amor Towles–read A Gentlman in Moscow first based on recommendations here a few years back and that one remains my favorite. Liked Rules of Civility. Have had Lincoln Highway sitting on the nightstand for quite a few months. It’s come highly recommended by someone whose reading taste I trust but I haven’t gotten passed the first few pages. Based on zero data, I feel like it is going to be sad and so I hesitate to get started. I believe books have a right time to be read, and it seems now is not yet the time for Lincoln Highway.

        1. Jamie Starr*

          I have A Gentleman in Moscow on my “want to read list,” too. I found a copy of Rules of Civility on a pay-what-you-wish shelf at the library so that’s why I started with it. I’m not sure about Lincoln Highway; my copy of Rules of Civility has a chapter from it in the back so I can see what I think. I remember reading a blurb about it and it didn’t interest me that much.

    20. Angstrom*

      Stephan King’s “Fairy Tale”. Teenage boy becomes caregiver for old man and dog, discovers alternate world that’s a lot of fairy stories come to dystopian life. It’s a hero’s quest mash-up of all sorts of fables and legends including a bit of the Cthulu mythos.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Same. It’s probably my new favorite Stephen King novel, second only to The Dark Tower series. I absolutely ADORED it. It has some DT-ish elements, but it’s also very different.

      2. carcinization*

        I am so hoping to check that one out from the library over the holidays (I read fast). I need to add it to my list of stuff to do on 12/23 so I don’t forget!

    21. Bluebell Brenham*

      Finished Lenny Marks Gets Away with Murder, which has an Eleanor oliphant is Absolutely Fine vibe. I liked it a lot. On the nonfiction side, Garrett Bucks’ The Right Kind of White was an interesting look at White identity. I read his substack, so that led me to his memoir.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I’m reading Fake History: 101 Things That Never Happened by Jo Hedwig Teeuwisse, aka The Fake History Hunter. Each short chapter repeats the myth and then debunks it. It’s fun!

    23. LdyLiberty*

      I just finished ‘A Pirate’s Life for Tea’ by Rebecca Thorne, which is the second in a series of cozy fantasy mystery/adventures. A mage and her fiance are trying to recover stolen dragon eggs, and in the process get caught up in drama with a pirate opposing a local lord who may be up to no good. It’s light reading, but very fun.

    24. cleo*

      I’m reading The Philistine by Leila Marshy. Novel set in the early 80s about a young (25 yo) Canadian Palestinian woman who goes to Cairo to reconnect with her father and ends up falling for an Egyptian woman. It’s beautifully written and I’m savoring it.

      It’s the first book I’ve checked out from the Queer Liberation Library (virtual library accessed through Libby) and I was so delighted when my hold became available.

      Next up is The Four Profound Weaves by R. B. Lemberg. I really love Lemberg’s queer fantasy Birdverse and I was delighted to win this book in an online giveaway. The only things I ever win are books, which is honestly fine by me.

  11. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’re playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve made some fun progress on my Stardew Valley farm this week. I tried a few new things including the Desert Festival – this is the first time I’ve played a spring in the game since this feature was added, and I enjoyed it. Now back to regular farming life.

    1. The Dude Abides*

      Slowly working through bulk MtG cards to find playables to set aside or buylist.

      So far, I’ve found a $10 uncommon that I was looking to pick up at some point.

    2. My Day*

      One of my petsites, Pixel Cat’s End, has an event starting at midnight, so I’m excited for that. It runs through the 23nd so hopefully I’ll be able to make enough time to get all the limited items! I made all these plans to be more social this month, oh well…

    3. Bananapants Circus with Dysfunctional Monkeys*

      Fell back into Diablo 4 (so happy bow rogue is viable again!), working my way through the new House Flipper dlc and surprisingly enjoying Palworld with my partner!

      Though if he redesigns the home base AGAIN when I’m offline I will be Having Words. Stop moving the machinery! it’s ruining my flow!

    4. Reluctant Mezzo*

      My healer still can’t make it past Ascian Prime in the Aetherochemical Research Facility in FFXIV. But I’m watching some videos and taking notes about where to move and how fast. (Two of my other characters did just fine, grr).

        1. Jay*

          Path Of Exile is a game made by giant fans of Diablo II who were so annoyed that no other Diablo II sequel games lived up to it that they made their own, better, Diablo II. Broadly similar plot and structure, but refined and turned up to 11. It is objectively more fun of an action RPG.
          Path Of Exile II is the sequel to that.
          It’s meant to take everything they got right in POE I and add some Dark Souls elements, making it somewhat slower paced, darker, and more difficult. It also has the most complicated skill tree imaginable. It’s great fun.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I was looking forward to Monument Valley 3 dropping this week. The play through was a bit underwhelming to me. Lovely animation, certainly more story than the first two. But I like puzzles, and they just weren’t very tricky.

      Immaculate vibes, though. So folks who prefer the cozy experience over the brain teasers would probably still like it a lot.

    7. Hibiscus*

      Working my way thru Cosy Grove: Spirit Camp. The storyline is more coherent this time around. It’s helpful for emotional regulation.

  12. Literally a Cat*

    This picture needs to be in an art gallery. I feel that the cat pictures in this blog is revigorating me every week, thank you.

    1. Anono-me*

      I think it looks like cover art for one of those murder mystery novels for people who like light reading, but don’t like to admit it.

        2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

          The recent picture of Wallace on the mantelpiece, about to pass through the Looking Glass, was a stunner!

  13. Don’t burn down the house*

    Any travel suggestions for Kansas City? I’m taking three teens for two weeks, and we’re going during 4th of July time.

    They aren’t too picky as far as food goes, and they have pretty varied interests. They have enjoyed many museums, hikes, and stores in the past.
    Any places to go/eat?

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Yes! I went in 1998 (!!) and it was wonderful. I still think about their surround-sound display that made you feel as if you were in the ballpark.

      1. The gourmet cupcake*

        Day trips too, we are going to Jefferson City, St. Louis, and independence. We are also looking at some rental cars, probably through turo.

        2. KCMO*

          For day trips St Joesph (about an hour to hour and a half north) has a few fun museums with the Pony Express, Jesse James home and hideout.
          Independence is basically a suburb and you can go to Truman’s home but his Presidential Library is really fantastic. Independence also has 1 of 2 drive in theaters in KC metro and it’s a fun thing in the summer (the one on the KS side might be closer to where you’re staying).
          In KC the Negro Basefall HOF is amazing, a hidden gem is the Arabian Steamboat Museum (a steamboat went down in the 1800s, the river changed course, it was buried under a field for hundred years, found, and all its contents were intact. It really was amazing), the KC zoo is a nice spread out zoo with a lot of walking paths, Powell gardens (outside of city) has nice walks and is great in the summer, WWI museum is the only one in the country and they do big lawn events for the 4th (sometimes weekend before so double check), the Plaza area has nice shopping and restaurants and has the Nelson Atkinson Museum which is great.
          I’d personally pass on Jeff City, BUT that’s close to the Lake of the Ozarks where you can hike, swim, and boat. Definitely research since there are different vibes in different locations depending on what you’re interested in (also avoid the 4th weekend it’s nuts and overcrowded).
          St Louis is 4 hours away and could be another long weekend. For teens check out The City Museum. AMAZING. It’s a 10 story facility that’s maybe best described as a ropes course meets acid trip. My teen and friends LOVE IT. It also has little bars and displays throughout so adults have something too.

          1. KCMO*

            Food- if you like BBQ KC has a dozen famous options. You can do a BBQ tour where you taste a little of everything and we take business partners on that when they visit and it’s always a hit. We also have lots of new and really great chefs doing different things in the Waldo area and Rivermarket.

            In St Louis if you like Italian you have to check out The Hill- Italian neighborhood with dozens of fantastic options. You also have to try Imos St Louis style pizza (you will love it or hate it and there’s no in between. You will also defend your decision to a duel if necessary).

            At the Lake, there are lots of fun dive restaurants that are great for summer grease. If you rent a boat you can float right up, and several have pools and live music that the teens would love.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      If you can manage the drive (are you renting a car?) take a day and go to Independence, Missouri to see the Truman Presidential library. We also toured the Truman residence, walked around the small town square, and ate a meal at a nearby drugstore/diner. Truman was a man of his time and place but he also recognized the state of Israel (1948) and integrated the U.S. army (1947?). And when he was finished with living in the White House, he and his wife Bess returned to their home town.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        When my dad was in college in the late 50s/early 60s, he and some friends were on a road trip and they stopped in Independence. Truman also kept an office in town, and they impulsively stopped by and got to meet him.

        1. The gourmet cupcake*

          I think we saw Truman’s home on google maps. I think it’s painted bright yellow (!)
          I’d have to check if there’s a tour or if we can only walk by.

      1. The gourmet cupcake*

        Great suggestions! I’ve been to the wwi museum, my husband and I spent four hours there, and I’m not joking.
        Never been to the Negro League Museum, I think the kids will enjoy learning about that side of baseball history.

    6. Rick Tq*

      I haven’t been, but the Steamboat Arabia museum sounds fascinating. She was lost in 1856 and the wreck was discovered in 1988 after being undisturbed for over a century, so the 200 tons cargo was still intact and preserved under 40 feet of Kansas soil.

    7. Seal*

      The National World War I Museum and Memorial. The memorial itself was dedicated in 1926; it was named by Congress as the official WWI museum in 2004. While the architecture (Egyptian Revival) of the memorial alone is worth a visit, the museum is excellent. Highly recommend.

    8. Mumwa*

      I have family in Columbia, which is a two-hour drive from Kansas City. There’s some cool stuff to see do/around there, including Rock Bridge State Park and the Devil’s Icebox, which is the entrance to an extensive cave system. Also, the Ozark Mountain Biscuit Co. in Columbia is THE place to eat right now — we kept going back for breakfast and lunch last time we were in town.

      There’s the Katy Trail along the Missouri River. You can walk or rent bikes and ride. It’s really scenic, and since it follows an old rail line, it runs through old tunnels and you can see the holes they drilled for dynamite in the cliffs along the river. There are also a number of old towns along the river that can be neat to visit, like Rocheport (near Columbia).

      The National Churchill Museum in Fulton is pretty awesome, although I think my family personally liked wandering through the old Christopher Wren church that’s there the best.

      And my family did a tour of the Missouri state capitol in Jeff City that was a lot of fun (with the caveat that we were with a family member who was a state legislator, which is why we got to go up into the cupola — I don’t think that’s standard). The Supreme Court building across the street from the capitol has the papers from the Dred Scott case on display; those were amazing to see. Central Dairy in Jeff City has fantastic ice cream.

    9. Procedure Publisher*

      I remember going to Science City when I went to KC when I was in high school. It was in the train station and there were some places to eat there.

    10. Mrs. Frisby*

      I haven’t been but really really want to go to the Rabbit Hole museum. It’s a children’s literature museum that is supposed to be amazing. It’s on my list if I ever make it to Kansas City!

    11. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

      In KC: See what’s happening at the Starlight Theater during your trip. It’s a really cool venue.

      In STL: The zoo and botanical garden are must-sees. If nobody is claustrophobic, the teens might like to go up to the top of the Arch. Also, Main Street Saint Charles is fun.

      But St. Louis is a bit too far from KC for just a day trip. You might want to plan to stay a couple of nights in STL if you make the trip. It’s a 4-hour drive.

      1. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

        Follow-up thought: In STL, if you’re anywhere near a Sauce On The Side location, give it a try. Two people can split a lunch/dinner calzone, then split an apple pie calzone for dessert! Delicious!

    13. A Little Bit Alexis*

      This is late but hopefully you’ll see it. I definitely recommend renting a car. Public transportation is free and we do have plenty of Ubers, but KC is not as walkable as bigger cities. Also, it will be HOT.

      Things to do:
      – Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art: it’s free and you could spend most of a day (or multiple days) here. Rozzelle Court has a little coffee shop/restaurant and is a fun place to rest for a bit in between exhibits.
      – The River Market district has a great farmer’s market on Saturdays and several really good restaurants. Il Lazzarone pizza is one of my favorites in town. The KC Current stadium is in this area, and it’s the first stadium built specifically for a women’s team.
      – The Plaza is a shopping/restaurant district. It isn’t as good as it used to be, but it’s enough to spend an afternoon. You could hop over to Westport for a different vibe and some good local restaurants.
      – Shawnee Mission Park is a huge park with lots of trails and a lake where you can rent kayaks. There are quite a few trail systems in the metro area.
      – Taste of Kansas City’s Original Food Tour: I love food tours because they’re a great way to learn the history of the city and try out some local restaurants. KC’s history is more interesting than most people know.
      – Royals baseball game: The Royals will almost certainly play at home sometime during your trip and games are fun!
      – Lawrence, KS would make a fun day trip, it’s less than an hour away. It’s a college town (University of Kansas), and has a great downtown with lots of local shops and restaurants. They have numerous trail systems as well, and Clinton Lake is on the outside of town.
      – Union Station and the Crossroads District: Union Station is beautiful, and houses Science City, a movie theatre and several restaurants/coffee shops. They often have national traveling exhibits on rotation as well (currently it’s the Disney 100 exhibit).

      Restaurants:
      – Eating BBQ is not negotiable in KC. There are a million options, but the classics you’ll hear about are Joe’s KC, Jack Stack, Arthur Bryant’s and Gates. I recommend Joe’s or Jack Stack of those. Q39 is newer but also super popular, and my personal favorite. There are a lot of locally-known places as well, you could eat it every day and never go to the same place twice.
      – The Peanut is a local bar that’s been around for a long time. All their food is good, but the wings are exceptional.
      – Brewer’s Kitchen is my favorite place for a burger.
      – The Roasterie and Parisi coffee are two local coffee roasters, you can also tour the Roasterie’s facility.

  14. MozartBookNerd*

    Listening to podcasts or music play at a slow speed? Would love any tips — I really find slow-speed listening to be great for relaxing or getting to sleep.

    I use Overcast for podcasts (on my iPhone 15), and it allows a slowdown to about .8 speed, but that’s not really slow enough. (I used to use Apple’s native “Podcasts” app, but I changed to Overcast several years ago when Apple one imposed an “upgrade” that was full of annoying bugs. I remember that the Apple one allowed drastic slowdowns – but I’m leery of going back to the Apple one unless commenters here think it’s gotten better again.)

    And for music, I’m even more stumped! I’d soooo love to listen to classical pieces – ones that I already know well – at a reduced speed, savoring the pieces in new ways. It must be possible but I’m in need of basic pointers!

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        That’s the general idea yes thanks — But Pocket Cast looks like it’s only for Android, not Apple. And I wonder about music too as opposed to podcasts . . . .

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        Interesting to know. Spotify has always been a mystery to me! I’ve never needed it for music per se, but the slow play sounds great.

    3. Angstrom*

      There’s an app called The Amazing Slow Downer which can slow music without changing the pitch. Very popular with music students.

  15. SILgift*

    Gift idea for a long distance SIL (in her early 40s with 2 dogs, no kids)? I usually only see her 2-3 times a year, so I don’t know her all that well. She has the means to do/buy just about anything she wants. In the past, I’ve done useful household items, fun costume jewelry, and international snacks, but I don’t feel like I’ve hit on THE thing that she would like. My partner isn’t a big help in this because he is also not a big gift-giver.

    1. Jamie Starr*

      If she gets manicures/pedicures you could try to find out if there is a specific place she goes to and get a gift certificate. Is she a coffee, tea, or wine drinker; or likes plants/flowers? There are all sorts of companies that you can buy gift subscriptions – like Horti (website is heyhorti dot com) has a monthly plant subscription. Or a Blue Bottle coffee subscription.

    2. Brevity*

      What sort of stuff does she like to do? You can buy tickets to places or gift certificates to any number of activities. Restaurant gift cards are sometimes good. Does she like theatre, going to the movies, the zoo, ice skating, baseball games? You can usually get gift cards or certificates for pretty much anything; and it’s nice because she can schedule the thing for whenever suits her.

      In general, I’ve found that giving people things to do instead of stuff to dust is always really appreciated.

    3. RLC*

      Do you have any shops in your area selling unique locally-made items, or “made in [your state/your province]” items? I’ve gifted far away family and friends with locally made candy, jams, candles, small art pieces, jewellery, etc. Something they wouldn’t find in shops in their area.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Seconding this. If you’ve spent time together where you live, is there anything she’s particularly enjoyed? In similar situations with friends and distant family, my go-to is making a mental note of local food things or crafts they enjoy, and getting those as gifts. I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of gift too and it’s always lovely, both in terms of the present and of the bonding moment.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      Two dogs? Dogs are usefully accessory intensive!
      Maybe a dog book?
      Mary Oliver is the classic dog poet these days, and there’s always new training theory books, or dog neurology books, or “humans and dogs coexisting well together” books…
      Also dog puzzle games, or dog puzzle toys…

    5. Ashley*

      Maybe something for the dogs?
      If she has a car, a subscription for roadside assistance. It is something I don’t really need with the age of my car but am glad to have.

      1. Chaordic One*

        You never know when you might have a flat tire or your car’s battery might run down and you’ll need a jump, even with a new car or new tires. A surprisingly useful gift.

    6. Sloanicota*

      I feel like a book you’ve enjoyed and think she might like (broadly) is always a thoughtful gift. If you really don’t feel that you know her, I tend to stick to interesting upbeat nonfiction topics.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am in my 40s with two dogs and no kids, and I would be delighted if someone sent me an assortment of treats for my pups. I’m generally in the same boat where I am kind of hard to shop for because if I need or want something I usually just buy it for myself (or else it’s expensive enough that I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with someone else buying it for me), but my dogs are super important to me and much easier to shop for, haha. Not like, the average grocery store box of Milkbones or something, but something a little nicer – the Three Dog Bakery (available at Target) does doggy oreos or other people style doggy cookies in holiday boxes, for example.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I would lean toward the interesting food. Even if I don’t finish the cardamom flavored syrup or whatever, I had the option of trying a new thing. It takes out the mental labor of “Out of all the new things in the world to try, which one is the best choice?”

    9. EA*

      Do you know if she likes to read or listen to audiobooks? A faraway aunt once gave me an Audible giftcard plus a list of her top ten audiobooks of the year with a description & her commentary. For books you could get her a giftcard to a local shop near her. I thought this was a nice way of giving something useful while also personalizing a gift, if you don’t see her often enough to know what she has read.

    10. Tulip*

      Perhaps a donation in her name to a charity you think she’d appreciate? I’ve done that for family members w/ the organization Heifer, and they’ve sent cards I can personalize and give to my relatives.

    11. Sara K*

      Is your SIL a foodie? I once bought someone a monthly artisan cheese delivery. There were 2-3 cheeses each month and each had hilariously over the top tasting notes (think wine but instead of terroir and varieties, it was all about what the goats whose milk was used ate).

  16. cameraAdvice*

    I love taking photos of animals at zoos, in trees, flying overhead, etc. I’ve got a camera with 20x optical zoom, but it’s getting old, and it’s not great with taking pictures if anything’s moving. Any suggestions for a good digital camera with a lot of zoom, deals well with movement, and isn’t very big – can fit in a coat pocket? Thanks!

  17. Anax*

    Jury duty update: It’s done! It went ok!

    Thanks for the advice, folks. I was lucky, and security didn’t give my knitting a second glance, so I knit a whole sock during jury duty.

    The case: A local fellow drank about two liters of beer at the bar, then got in a fender-bender while driving home. No one was hurt, thankfully, and the charges were misdemeanors (driving while under the influence of alcohol, driving with a BAC over 0.08, and hit-and-run property damage), so hopefully the defendant ends up ok in the long run. He looked quite miserable, as I’m sure you can imagine.

    My personal read is that the defense lawyer was very young and new, and determined to fight the case tooth-and-nail. She spent a lot of time during voir dire… almost trying to make her opening statements, rather than simply selecting the right jury. She asked every member of the prospective jury for their personal definition of the word “fair”, for instance, among half-a-dozen other questions. On the other hand, there were about four people excluded from the jury because they said that they couldn’t abide by “innocent until proven guilty”, and they would need affirmative evidence of innocence to acquit. Go figure. Maybe she was onto something.

    The district attorney was also quite young, but seemed much more polished and businesslike. I think this was considered a very clear-cut case with relatively low stakes on all sides, so more inexperienced lawyers were given the case.

    I ended up on the jury, probably in part because they were literally running out of people in the jury pool. Lots of scheduling conflicts in December, and lots of strong emotions about DUI.

    The first day and a half was jury selection, which was… a bit interminable, though that was mostly for me because the pew-style wooden seats really tweaked my hip. Ouch. I was limping pretty badly, between that and the requirement to leave the room and come back in frequently – there was a jury assembly room, but it was across the building and down a flight of stairs, and I was not up to limping that far.

    Once I was on the actual jury, things went much more quickly. I didn’t feel like the defense had a very clear theory of the case; it seemed like she was just trying to throw spaghetti at the wall, while the prosecution felt a lot more polished, and was the only side to bring witnesses or evidence.

    (Attempts to raise reasonable doubt included:
    – The defendant secretly threw up in his mouth, in the five seconds while an officer had their back turned to demonstrate heel-to-toe steps, and that made the breathalyzer test invalid.
    – The defendant had consumed about 60 oz of beer so quickly that he was not yet drunk when he got in a fender-bender. (How big is this man’s stomach, and why would he chug two liters of beer?)
    – The driver of the other vehicle was at fault – which doesn’t matter in a hit-and-run property damage case, the problem is that he left without exchanging information.)

    It was a pretty clear-cut case in my opinion; I was actively looking for any possible scenario where the defendant wouldn’t be guilty, and I couldn’t think of anything that made sense. Definite mixed feelings about the American judicial system, and carceral punishment in general, but… this seemed pretty fair. We weren’t told about sentencing/punishment, but it sounds like the penalties for first-offense DUI in my jurisdiction are typically a few months without a driver’s license or with an ignition interlock device, several hundred dollars in fines, and informal probation. Not fun, but probably not life-destroying – which seems fair for a dumb mistake. (Seriously, in our town we have on-demand busing that will take you anywhere in the city limits for $3, which was available at the hour he drove. He had options.)

    The jury pretty rapidly found the fellow guilty on “driving with a BAC over 0.08” and “hit-and-run property damage”, but we hung on “driving while under the influence of alcohol”, because one fellow … well, he was absolutely convinced that a 0.12 BAC is not ipso facto evidence that you are not safe to drive, especially when you DID get into an accident and then drive across town on a metal rim, sparks flying everywhere, and try to hide from the cops. Perhaps the defendant is the one guy in a million who can drive safely while drunk, and the traffic accident had nothing to do with whether he was drunk!

    I don’t understand it either, and literally everyone else was baffled and frustrated; we spent over two hours trying to convince him on that point, before giving up and reporting a hung jury on that point. Since all three charges were misdemeanors, and it was clearly a case of “this one juror is a loon”, they let us go home.

    I *was* able to knit through the whole trial; the judge had no issue with it – he made eye contact, watching for a bit (probably to make sure I was paying attention), and then smiled and looked away. He actually complimented me on being a fantastic jury foreperson at the end.

    It probably helped that I was very visibly paying attention and taking notes, and my knitting was visible but pretty unobtrusive and in my lap. I can knit with my eyes closed, and “I’m doing something with my hands but making eye contact the whole time” was apparently acceptable.

    Doodling would actually have been much more conspicuous; we didn’t have a surface to write on, just clipboards and notepads, so looking down the whole time would have seemed strange, and almost any other fidgeting or movement would also have been more visible!

    I had imagined that especially during jury selection, we would have more of a … lobby-area, before being called in either in small groups or solo for the attorneys to ask questions.

    That was when I thought a book or craft would be most needed – but I think that part is actually done virtually in my jurisdiction. We had a zoom call on Friday where they called out about 250 names, and people had to announce whether they were able to serve or if they had a reason they were unavailable (like a financial hardship or prepaid travel). Other than the first 15 minutes, we were in a courtroom or sitting in the hallway for all three days.

    So, lessons learned:
    1) Not too bad! Tedious, but really interesting to see first-hand.
    2) Court is the one place where *everyone* will make a careful note of your preferred honorific (Mr.), and consistently use it.
    3) Knitting is a great icebreaker in the courthouse hallway. I liked most of the folks I talked to, and it was neat to see a random cross-section of the county.

    1. Argonaut*

      Very glad you had a good experience! So many people assume it will be a drag. I have been on four juries (even though I am a lawyer — go figure) and in addition to it being my civic duty :-), I found three of them interesting (one was soooooo boring). So I hope if people can see their way clear to serving, they will do so.

      Thanks for describing it, too! Interesting! And hopefully show others that it’s not so bad.

      1. Anax*

        Honestly, my only complaint is that the chairs could be more comfortable!

        I’m lucky enough to get five days per year of paid jury duty, and my work has pretty generous PTO in general – I definitely felt for the folks who had to take their jury service days as unpaid days off.

        Other than that, it really wasn’t so bad. I’m not chomping at the bit for next time, but I won’t be trying to wiggle out of it either. :)

    2. Morning Reader*

      I’m a little jealous! I was called to jury duty but apparently, the way it’s done here is that you call (or check online) the night before to see if you have to report. So I did that but I never had to report. I guess I’m lucky but I was curious about the whole thing.
      For the seating, if it was known in advance, I would suggest bringing a cushion or blanket to sit on to mitigate the hard chairs. When I had a class with uncomfortable chairs, I brought a previous project, a thick knitted blanket.
      In my situation I had filled out an initial form they sent with the info that I am hard of hearing and might need assistance hearing (amplifier or assistive device) in the courtroom, and that I had previously been a witness in a felony trial many years ago. I suspect one of those might have been a factor in not being called to report but I hope it was the felony one, because it would be problematic if people with disabilities were excluded from juries.
      It’s my third time being notified of jury service but I’ve still never done it. Once in forwarded mail when I had just moved out of that county, once during Covid but then court was canceled, now this when I didn’t have to go in.
      I wonder if having testified in a trial before will always keep me out of a jury pool? I’ve been a registered voter for nearly 50 years and still never done it.

      1. Anax*

        It’s actually the angle and size of the seat that gets me, rather than hardness!

        The bench/pew-style seats used before we were in the jury box were particularly bad; something about the slight upward angle really tweaked my bad hip. That was unexpected; I’ve never sat on a seat like that before, I guess!

        I literally *always* sit cross-legged or with one leg under me – sitting “normally” is really painful for my hip and butt, even on a soft, supportive chair. I spent every break sitting on the tile floor to give my poor butt a break.

        Unfortunately, “accommodate me by letting me sit on the floor” isn’t likely, so I’ll just ask for a chair to avoid the bench seats, and see if I can get the official ok to sit on the floor during breaks. Technically, that wasn’t allowed, and the security staff did shoo me off to a bench whenever they caught me.

        (I’m a nightmare for ergonomics, I’m sure. Not sure what the deal is, but I do have a connective tissue disorder and assume that’s related.)

        I bet it was the previous testimony – we had several folks excluded because they’d had previous experiences with cops or the legal system, including being witnesses. A bummer to be excluded if you don’t want to be, but maybe another time! My folks have been registered voters for 40+ years and have only been on a jury once, so the commonness does seem to vary a lot by jurisdiction.

    3. The OG Sleepless*

      I’ve been on two juries, and I genuinely came away with a positive feeling about the judicial system. Both juries took their task very seriously and really wanted to be fair. In one of them, the plaintiff represented herself and had no idea what she was doing. The judge and the defense attorney were unexpectedly kind and patient, and she actually won a partial victory. I got to chitchat with some nice people, too.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That was my one experience actually getting seated on a jury as well — we took our job seriously.

        On the other hand, there was almost a terrible injustice committed. Our jury made a mistake filling out the (admittedly quite confusing) form about the damages we were awarding, and we accidentally awarded way less than we intended. When we realized our mistake and told the judge back in the courtroom that wasn’t what we had meant, he sent us back to the jury room.

        The bailiff kindly told us the outcome was that, in light of the higher amount of damages that we had meant to award, instead of re-litigating the case with a fresh jury, the parties agreed to a settlement agreeable to the plaintiff. So it all worked out okay in the end, but it showed how easy it is for something to go a bit awry with the system.

    4. Turtle Dove*

      I enjoyed reading your description! I especially liked your personal read on the defense lawyer and why you think inexperienced lawyers were given the case. Insightful.

      Maybe the juror who “was absolutely convinced that a 0.12 BAC is not ipso facto evidence that you are not safe to drive” was expressing his belief that he himself is a safe driver after several drinks consumed quickly. If so, yikes.

      Thanks for the follow-up!

      1. Anax*

        Yikes indeed. My personal read was that it was *probably* an overly-literal reading of the law, but the alternative definitely crossed my mind.

    5. PhyllisB*

      I’ve only served on one jury. The case I heard was for an inmate in the local jail who discovered a broken window catch and used it to escape. He defended himself and actually put forth a good, eloquent argument. Except he was…guilty!! His defense was this was this was like leaving a dish of candy in front of a child and telling them not to eat any.
      We quickly found him guilty, but we were all impressed with his conduct in court, and we joked about recommending he consider law school when he was released.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I am glad it worked out for you! I doodled though the whole trial I was on the jury last July, honestly don’t thing anyone cared, since I wrote the copious notes as well.
      We had a massive jury pool and a long voir dire, I was #54 and still got selected.
      It was, from a first glance, a very clear cut murder trial, with drug dealing, unsympathetic* accused, witnesses who are currently in prison, live-in motel, the whole deal.
      The state DA stand in (county DA had a conflict of interest) had overplayed his hand in the whole “you nice suburban middle class folks surely don’t want THESE people in your county), and was visibly shocked the jury going the defendant not guilty by the reason of self defense.
      The whole process was super interesting.

    7. Harlowe*

      Are you allowed to share all this detail? I was under the impression juries were supposed to keep this stuff private. Maybe my state differs.

      1. CityMouse*

        In most states once you’re released, you’re allowed to discuss everything. Grand juries are different.

        2. Anax*

          Yep! That was what we were told. We can talk to anyone about any and all details now. I *think* the trial was even livestreamed – we just aren’t allowed to talk about it while we’re still deliberating, so our judgment isn’t swayed by outside opinions or information.

        3. Clisby*

          That’s how it was when I served on a jury. There *might* be different rules for grand jurors? Not sure.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        We were told when released from mine that we are allowed to talk about anything to anyone.
        Petit jury vs grand jury, which is confidential.

    8. Jackalope*

      I’ve only been called once to jury duty and unfortunately didn’t get selected to be on a jury. I came in the first day and was in a group called back to be possible jurors, but they had too many people and didn’t get to me before they had a full group. I was a little bit bummed since I’d genuinely wanted to try it out, but it was a fun experience. My strongest memory is that most of the day we were just waiting, and so I read an entire book that day (which was long and a bit slow). Obviously I wasn’t reading while in the actual court waiting to see if I’d be selected, but we got divided up into a lot of groups and had to wait until each group got called back and that part was pretty long.

    9. allathian*

      I’m reading these with interest, given that we don’t have juries, although some courts have a panel of lay judges (the chair is a pro).

      The most interesting thing for me is the tradition of French terms like voir dire, grand jury, petit jury, etc.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          “Blank-O” Road in San Antonio is why I no idea what La Hoy Ah might be in California. Or why nobody ever talked about La Joll Ah.

          1. Ctherocker*

            Blanco is actually a French / Cajun surname in Louisiana. My sister and her family lived on Blanco for a while. Now theyre in far north central.

      2. Anax*

        There’s a ton of Latin too – although I think plain English has been much more favored for the past few decades. In a basic US law class, you’ll definitely hear about “mens rea” and “in extremis” and “in loco parentis” and all sorts of Latin terms.

        It shows how things have really accreted over time, I guess; legal precedent is fascinating but a *lot*.

    10. RussianInTexas*

      For the trial I was on, the DA had to bring someone from AG’s office due to conflict of interest.
      The traveling AGA was So Very Texan. He wore cowboy boots with his suit, a flag pin, massive jug of a water bottle that looked like a hand grenade, etc. He pushed hard into “y’all are in Texas, of course you know how firearms work, you know how the castle doctrine works, you know you don’t want THOSE people here, etc”.
      To a jury that had 9 non-white people, 6 women, and at least 5 naturalized citizens. The county where I live is suburban but extremely diverse. I didn’t think he really got that.

    11. Mimmy*

      Thank you for sharing your experience! I’ve always wanted to serve on a jury; my husband was on a federal jury several years ago and found it really fascinating.

      The one time I was actually called in, my number was called a couple of times. I remember feeling like we were being herded like cattle. Waiting in the actual courtroom was b-o-r-i-n-g because you couldn’t bring anything in with you. I did get as far as hearing the lawyers present the case and we filled out the qualifying questions. However, after another long wait, I think they couldn’t find an interpreter for one of the litigants and ended up settling the case.

      I was annoyed because I contacted the court ahead of time to request accommodations for my hearing and vision disabilities. However, there were no accommodations. I could not hear the lawyers and the questionnaire was in small print.

    14. Manders*

      Thanks for the update! I’ve served twice and loved it, but I was on interesting cases (first was robbery, kidnapping and assault, the second was robbery and murder). I came away with an overall good feeling about that part of the judicial system, although we had some looney people on both juries.

  18. International Gifting*

    How do you send gifts internationally? (US to Bulgaria, specifically). My brother & his family emigrated this year and I’d still like to send a Christmas gift to my niece, but I realized I’m running short on time. But I also don’t even know where to start. Suggestions?

    My niece is 8 so looking at a toy/book kind of gift, not looking for specific gift suggestions but maybe someone has suggestions for European online shops that would be a good option.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      At this point, priority air mail – surface mail needs to be sent out well over a month in advance to guarantee delivery by Christmas. Check the import country’s regulations – usually there’s a cash limit for shipping gifts below which you don’t have to pay import duty.

      Another option might be to use one of the European Amazon stores, for a more local shipment. I would probably avoid the UK store because they’re out of the EU. Use google the plugin to translate the site to navigate. Kid’s books can have quite good selections internationally.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, or a gift card or ticket for an experience can be sent instantly via email and is still fun and thoughtful! You can ask your brother he can print it and put it in an envelope if “opening” the gift is important to her, unless that’s too much to ask him (I try not to do this to my sister but sometimes it happens.

        1. Red Rose*

          I don’t think Ireland has its own Amazon site yet, though. Just checked and was redirected to the UK site, but that may be because I’m currently in the UK? When I lived in Ireland pre-Brexit we usually just ordered from the UK site, or sometimes the sites of other EU countries like Italy or Germans.

    2. Catherine*

      Sorry to bring bad news but it’s probably far too late already!! But it might be fun to have something arrive in January anyway!

    3. Kaleidoscope*

      I would ask your brother what local stores or experience or needs/wants your niece has and try and buy something online but based where they live.

      Or accept that a gift will likely arrive in January.

      1. Ashley*

        Although if you are looking for books you might be able to call the store locally and order direct from the store. I have done this stateside for family far away. I think this works because the recipient lives in a not big town and they are frequent customers so when the order is ready and wrapped they just call them to tell them.

      2. Sloanicota*

        In this specific circumstance I’d probably ask my brother to buy the item from me, gift wrapped, and send him the money for it.

    4. Cordelia*

      I’m sorry, but I think you’re too late. Could you ask your brother to buy something and wrap it from you, and transfer him the money?
      Last posting dates for Christmas are always way earlier than you expect, as I’ve learned from past experience…

      1. International Gifting*

        Ugh, I guess so. It’s been a busy season at work and I hadn’t even thought about it.

        This might just be to consequence of them moving overseas, Christmas is gonna get skipped this year.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’ve tried to do this and bear in mind you will have a lot of trouble buying from an EU store online with a US credit card. You might have to do a bank transfer or similar.

    6. International Gifting*

      Well this is a bit disheartening! I will ask my brother about buying something locally and wrapping it up from us.

      Any ideas of gift cards or anything that can be used in Europe? I’m surprised there’s no ideas for a European website I could order from. Don’t Europeans order stuff across borders or maybe not so much?

      1. Retirednow*

        I did a little bit of digging – there are a lot of toy stores in Sofia , but a number of them didn’t have any translation. I’m wondering if any big department stores like Marks & Spencer or whatever would be able to ship from the UK to Bulgaria more easily. I have bought things from Marks & Spencer myself, to ship here though.

        I wonder what the issue is asking your brother to get something and sending him cash or reimbursing him in someway?

      2. Weegie*

        As suggested above, one of the Amazon EU sites is your best bet – probably Germany, France or Italy. The two things to consider with ordering and having a physical gift sent from one of those countries to Bulgaria are 1) the cost of postage could be high, depending on how big/heavy the gift is; 2) it might not reach Bulgaria in time for Christmas.
        Yes, people do buy and send gifts or gift cards across Europe all the time – they’re either buying a gift in their own country and posting it to another, or they’re ordering from Amazon or similar online platforms and having them sent. I have a relative in an EU country that doesn’t have it’s own site, so I usually buy a gift or a digital gift card for him from Amazon.de, which borders his country and ships to it. It would be more thoughtful to send a hamper from Fortnum & Mason, but this is more practical!
        With a gift card, you’re still going to have to factor in postage costs unless they use it to buy an ebook or other download, or they buy something that isn’t too expensive to post.
        Given the short timescale involved, if you order, say, a book or dvd from Amazon Germany today, it might not be too expensive to ship and could just get there in time for Christmas. Otherwise it will take you forever to search around the various countries’ online vendors to find one that a) ships to Bulgaria or b) sells gift cards that can be spent in Bulgaria, or used to buy something in the Eurozone and shipped to Bulgaria (in which case, you might as well buy an Amazon gift card :-) ).

    7. Hyaline*

      Given the cost of international shipping…I don’t. I would see if there is a membership, event tickets, or lesson/class you could pay for and make it your gift—maybe send a card with clues or pictures to illustrate it.

  19. Ladybird*

    I would like to be more knowledgeable about the world.
    I’m a white, British, middle-aged (almost), non-religious woman who is well educated but I feel like my education has been much narrower than it could be.

    What are your go to places to learn more about other cultures, world religions, minorities, lesser-known current affairs etc?

    Books, blogs, podcasts, websites, maybe short courses.

    I’d like to make next year the year of knowing more ‘stuff’

    1. Baapi gazhagens*

      The podcast “Secret life of Canada” by CBC is fantastic, and the free, open online course “Indigenous Canada” from the University of Alberta is one I cannot recommend enough. Even as an Indigenous person in canada I learned some things.

      Also on the topic of “stuff” there’s a podcast called “Stuff the British Stole” that’s quite interesting, and if you like science things I recommend the YouTube channel “SciShow” for a well-researched jumping off point into a wide range of topics. Also on YouTube, “Ask a Mortician” has some great compassionate and sensitive videos on death and dying that includes different cultural perspectives.

      1. Ladybird*

        Lovely. Thank you!
        I am actually a history teacher so pretty up on what the British have stolen! And actually that’s one of the triggers for me wanting to expand the breadth of my knowledge. I was educated at a time of ‘the British Empire is marvellous and we will not hear of any dissenting opinion’ and unpacking and re-educating myself about this has opened my eyes up to how narrow my education was.

        1. The Princeton Tory*

          “I am actually a history teacher so pretty up on what the British have stolen! ”

          Aw, all the problems with the teaching profession wrapped up in one little package.

    2. Ashley*

      I had a professor in college who would read newspapers from around the world. He had 3 or four from different countries. I definitely remember one being based in Australia and another being from a Caribbean island country. I always felt like that gave some nice balance.

    3. Literally a Cat*

      Go to local community cultural events. They tend to be far more authentic, as people are just trying to live their lives instead of being Top 1 Streamer of Diaspora Heritage.

      Source: am an immigrant, and rarely impressed by any commercial attempts to “bring my culture to the world”. They almost always have to self white-gaze to a comical level just so they are allowed to exist.

      1. Anono-me*

        Many cities have ‘Festival of Nations’ events wher various groups have tables and do exhibitions. Attending one of these, could help you contact people who want to share their culture and history.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Perhaps narrowing it down and tackling topics in installments would be easiest. Education-wise, I find I had a huge, huge gap in history of non-Western cultures, and then separately *recent* history, like 1950-1975, when a lot of geopolitical things happened in like, South America, that I should know about, as my country caused them. I think we didn’t learn recent history in school because it wasn’t history but it wasn’t current events either, and maybe some of the teachers even figured they lived through it so it wasn’t history. Then I would start tackling more practical knowledge gaps like trade skills/industry, but that would presumably be watching youtube videos on HVAC rather than reading biographies.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I think a lot about the director of the film Parasite‘s observation that he tried to make the film specific to South Korea, but it turns out living in capitalism is the same everywhere.

      The film Godzilla Minus One is set in post WWII Japan, but with the people having different takes on the government’s actions than they would have had in a film actually made then. I found that really interesting–taking a cultural icon that was a metaphor for the post WWII experience and altering the things around the metaphor.

      Reservation Dogs follows the lives of four teens living on a reservation in Oklahoma. I thought this did a good balance of the different factors shaping people’s lives, from the deep past to today.

      All of the above are good on their own just as entertainment, but they carried deeper looks at different cultures that resonated and lingered.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I found the Timetables of History book quite intriguing; not sure if there’s a more recent edition than the one I got decades ago, but it could still be interesting. It uses a tabular format to compare what’s going on in several different categories – arts, politics, technology, etc. – arranged by timeline, and including items from around the world. So you can pick a century (or, earlier, a millenium; later, a decade or a single year) and browse that section to see what’s happening. Some marvelous juxtapositions, with plenty of seeds for additional searches.

      A more light-hearted entry point might be The Know-It-All by A. J. Jacobs, describing his attempt to read the Encylopedia Britannica cover to cover, “to Become the Smartest Person in the World” {grin}. It mixes learning weird/fascinating new things with the author’s personal life. Great mix of trivia, history, humor, and autobiography.

    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I take a rather eclectic and very in-the-moment approach to learning about the world. If a word or topic comes up and I realise I don’t know much (or anything) about it, I look it up on wikipedia. Even if I don’t have the time or mental energy to read the wikipedia page in the moment. I’ll just leave it open as a tab in the browser on my phone and whenever I feel like it, I read. Links within the wikipedia page itself also send me to more new to me things. It can get quite detailed or diverse, depending on the topic.
      Admittedly, not everything I come across actually interests me, and sometimes I just look up definitions or the like so I can feel like I don’t stay completely ignorant. But in general my approach has helped me to almost constantly learn new stuff.

    8. Hlao-roo*

      I read a lot, so books are my go-to. Both fiction and non-fiction can be good for learning more about other cultures/religions/other perspectives on history.

      In no particular order, here are some fiction recommendations:
      Tomb of Sand by Geetanjali Shree (translated novel that takes place in India, by an Indian author)
      Pachinko by Min Jin Lee (novel about a Korean family living in Korea and then Japan in the 20th century by a Korean American author)
      Salt Houses by Hala Alyan (novel about a Palestinian family, by a Palestinian American author)
      My Sister the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite (novel that takes place in Nigeria, by a Nigerian author)

      Looking at my past non-fiction reading, I definitely lean to historical over current and mostly read about the Americas. But in case they are of interest to you, here are some non-fiction recommendations (also in no particular order):
      Bad Mexicans: Race, Empire and Revolution in the Borderlands by Kelly Lytle Hernandez
      Harvest of Empire: A History of Latinos in America by Juan Gonzalez
      1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus and 1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created both by Charles C. Mann
      Cuba: A New History by Richard Gott

      One thing I really appreciate about non-fiction books is the bibliography.If I’m interested in a topic and want to read more, the bibliography can be a great jumping-off point for futher reading.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Re: Nigerian authors — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is quite wonderful. I started with *Americanah* (a lovely romance that talks about the Nigerian ex-pat experience in American and Britain) and then went on to *Purple Hibiscus* (also contains a romance but lots about unreasonable abusive dad and his pressure on his kids to be #1 at school — seems to reflect in some measure the experience of some of the students from Nigeria I’ve taught) and *Half of a Yellow Sun* (about the war in Biafra — harrowing, but super interesting).

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Buchi Emecheta also wrote a devastating book, *The Joys of Motherhood*, about how brutal mid-20th-century Nigerian society was to women and mothers, at least poor ones.

        2. Buni*

          Noo Saro-Wiwa wrote a good memoir about having left Nigeria fairly young (for the UK) and then going back as an adult.

    9. Annie Edison*

      I learn best through stories, so I’ve picked up a lot by reading fiction written by authors who aren’t straight white men. I end up learning about perspective and culture and history and religion and identity that way, and then afterwards sometimes I’ll look things up on Wikipedia to fill in more info.

    10. Shoulders at my ears*

      Lurk on subreddits for countries and cities in countries not your own. Of course it will limit it to places whose languages you speak, but you will get a surprising amount of deep cultural knowledge from learning what sort of things people complain or joke about.

      I could write a dissertation on comedy posts about bins ending up in funny places after storms on the UK subreddits.

      And you don’t have to limit yourself to the majority-white western Anglosphere countries. English is spoken widely even in non-western countries, so you will find subreddits in English (or partially in English, eg some of the Philippines subreddits).

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Sorry, just reread that you are British, so you’re probably well aware at how funny the entire bins-blown-onto-roofs genre of discourse is. But still, my point stands that you can get some really deep cultural insights by observing people shooting the shit on subreddits.

    11. The gourmet cupcake*

      My favorite thing to do is open you public library website, search a keyword you’re randomly interested in, like “baking” or “Japanese decorating” and then scroll down the catalog checking out interesting books.
      Right now I’m reading “the lost art of dress” by Linda Przybyszewski, which I found volunteering at the library.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Fond memories of the old card-catalog days, when thumbing through the cards to find the books I wanted often made me pause along the way!

      3. The devil wears tj maxx*

        I’ve been wanting to revamp my personal style but haven’t known where to start. This book seems like an easy point of entry to get the ball rolling, so thanks for sharing!

    12. ElastiGirl*

      The cover page of Wikipedia offers a featured article and links to about a dozen articles every day. Read a few, and you’ll learn a lot!

    13. Anon for This one*

      The history of the British in Africa isn’t pretty, which will probably come as a shock to someone who was taught about the benefits of Empire.

      My parents and grandparents lived in camps in their own country under British colonialism. “Britain’s Gulag : The Brutal End of Empire in Kenya,” by Caroline Elkins is an unflinching look at that time period, and may help you understand any antipathy towards the British that occasionally surfaces in former colonies.

    14. So Little Time*

      I am a white, American, boomer person who is a religious sort and well-educated, and I’ve felt for a while that my education was VERY narrow. One year I compiled a list of books from Be the Bridge (which is a Christian-based organization, run by LaTasha Morrison, with a goal of “creating healthy dialogue about race and racialization in the U.S., with an emphasis on promoting understanding about racial disparities and injustices.” It’s a huge list and I tried to read one book a month from that list (a lot of them were heavy reading, like with a highlighter and pauses to take in what I read). I needed a bit of a break after that so next I read works of fiction (and a few biographies) by non-white people. I think you could do something similar with what you are seeking – just start jotting down things from here to start with, and as one commenter mentioned, the books you read will often reference OTHER books, podcasts will reference OTHER podcasts, and your list builds. But when it feels like Too Much, then look for fiction (or movies) by authors from a particular place/culture and writing about a particular place/culture.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        That’s an interesting idea – do you have any recommendations?

        Rest of World is a news website with a weekly e-news letter that specifically covers tech-related/adjacent news outside the US.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          Connie Walker’s podcasts in Canada center on First Nations people. Missing and Murdered: Who Killed Alberta Williams. M & M: Finding Cleo, Stolen: The Search for Jermain, and Stolen: Surviving St. Michaels (about residential schools). ConnieWalker. com has a nice rundown on her, she’s a First Nations person and a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist.

        2. Prawo Jazdy*

          True Crime South Africa, Canadian True Crime, True Crime New Zealand, Casefile (Australia focused), Murder Mile (London, UK), Men’s Rea (Ireland), Nordic True Crime … and many more!

    16. IT Manager*

      This is such a great goal. There’s a bunch of fun podcasts to scratch the surface of things and then you can go looking up specific topics that need more followup …. These ones have a bunch of things I’ve never heard of (along with a lot you DO know but you can skip those episodes!)

      Stuff You Should Know
      Everything Everywhere
      Evil Genius (nsfw)
      Ologies
      Science Vs

      I also like If Books Could Kill, which is an irreverent takedown of “important” books and often leads me to see that I was being condescending or stereotypical or just wrong about something because it is part of the cultural background noise.

    17. Jay*

      While not the best if you are looking for something truly substantial and scholarly, Atlas Obscura (the websites and books) is great fun and a way to get a window into some of the aspects of a culture that aren’t talked about much outside of themselves.

    18. Numbat*

      Curtin University offers a free online course on Noongar language and culture. It’s really good, and a thoughtful look at the impact of colonisation.

    19. amoeba*

      Seeing as you’re British, you probably know this already – but “In our Time” (Radio 4 show/podcast) is amazingly broad, with topics ranging from physics to history to philosophy… I think the last ones I listened two were about plankton and Monet in London!

  20. Morning Reader*

    This is quite dependent on what kinds of things you would like to learn.
    Way back in my days of “religious education,” a small group of us went weekly to other religious services. We visited Catholic, Greek Orthodox, Russian orthodox, 2 synagogues, a mosque, a Buddhist temple, and a couple of Protestant churches. (Did you know that Methodists recite a “creed” in every service? Or maybe that was Presbyterians, I forget. Catholics kneel and stand and recite stuff too, and surprisingly so do the Episcopalians.)
    I obviously don’t have a deep understanding of any of these religions, but, I still have a general idea of when to put on a hat or take off my shoes.
    Then there is the restaurant/cookbook approach. You could make it your mission to visit every variety of ethnic restaurant available to you.
    Newspapers or news sources from other places are good too. I used to subscribe to the Christian Science Monitor which was known for international coverage (other than anything medical.) I don’t know if it still is.
    Then language learning is a good way to learn about a culture as it is usually part of learning the language. If you have a particular place you are curious about, that might work, especially if you have a teacher who is a native speaker.
    And of course travel. Something more immersive than tourism, a mission trip, a year abroad?

    1. Ochre*

      The Apostle’s creed: it could have been any of the Christian (ie: Protestant or Catholic) churches. I’ve recited it in a Presbyterian church but it’s considered broadly Christian.

      1. eisa*

        Thanks, came here to say the same thing :)

        The Credo, or Creed, is part of the liturgy.
        The Latin liturgy uses the Nicene creed. If you are interested in classical music, type ‘ your-favorite-composer Credo ‘ in the search bar and enjoy ;-)

  21. WellRed*

    Tell me how to get rid of my music CDs. My bedroom is being renovated so I’m purging. Got rid of an entertainment center and will rehome stereo but have about 200 cds I haven’t listened to in years for reasons. No one will want them but I feel guilty and sorta sad about tossing. I need a mantra or something.

    1. mittens*

      thrift store. used music shop. if any are classical, often classical music societies (not symphonies, but smaller organizations) hold fund-raising sales. I’ve definitely bought CD’s from orgs like that.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Would you still want the music, or nah? I feel like there could be a service that can scan the disks to an MP3 for you, but if you don’t want it anymore that doesn’t make sense. I still have some CDs and I have burned by favorite ones one-by-one over time.

      1. Not Australian*

        You can do that yourself: all you need is a disk drive (external, if necessary) and the relevant software.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Try a local buy-nothing type Facebook group or similar? People pounce on the weirdest things on ours, haha. And even if people don’t want them for listening to, I’ve seen folks who take old CDs and put them on strings for like, bird deterrence in gardens or similar, or use them to make homemade reflectors for their driveways and sidewalks.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      My local library has a “Friends” group that accepts donations of books, videos, and CDs, which they then sell at bimonthly book sales. They appreciate just about anything they can get (with the exception of text books) and what they make from sales funds all of the library’s children’s programs and some of the maker space programs.

      You might want to look into that because 1) you can get rid of everything at once, 2) somebody will get to enjoy them at a bargain price, and 3) they can do some good for your library!

      1. Anonymous Cat*

        Same! The local library takes all CDs and DVDs so I donate to them. They have a little store in the basement run by volunteers and will also give you a receipt if you want for taxes.

    5. Donna A Eis*

      If you’re asking for what to do with that many CDs, one of our local public radio stations accepts donations of CDs (in good condition and with their full case and jacket) for an annual fundraiser sale. Maybe there is something similar in your area?

      If you’re having a hard time getting over some desire to keep them, maybe give yourself permission to go slow and listed to each of your favorites before you put it in the give away pile. Take some time to remember where you were in life when that song or album meant so much to you.

      Good luck! You’re going to be so happy with the results!

    6. WellRed*

      Thx everyone! I’m going to start with Buy Nothing where a few people are interested already (a teen daughter who’s gotten into listening to CDs for one, who knew?) then I’ll see about donating somewhere. And I’ll weed through a few to keep. Donna Eis but the nail on the head about various tunes being part of my life at various points. Thank you for naming that. I feel better than tossing.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        CDs and DVDS are enjoying a renaissance, thanks to wide frustration of buying streaming media, only to have it disappear.

        2. Workerbee*

          I’m not getting rid of my collection for reasons including that sometimes the version you hear on streaming services is _not_ the one you hold in your hand.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            One reason we purchased the DVD set of the Peanuts holiday specials is I noticed that the broadcast versions were being trimmed (off a 22 minute special!) to make room for more ads. The entire message of that show is resisting the commercialization of Christmas!

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Same, and some of my soundtrack collection is out of print so replacing it if my digital library goes blooey would be difficult to impossible (or at least very expensive).

    7. Chaordic One*

      My library has a used book store run by volunteers that accepts donations of used books and records, CDs, Cassettes, DVDs and related entertainment items for resale. Profits go to the Friends of the Library to pay for library-related things and programs. A few donations get tossed right away and if they don’t sell after a certain amount of they might be “weeded” (i.e., tossed). Most donations are resold. The problem with the store is that if I go to donate something, I might end up coming home with more things than I left with.

  22. Prawo Jazdy*

    Please help me appreciate Greek food more. My work day lunches are sometimes at Greek-American diners, and I’ve become extremely wary of those places because each food option is typically a sodium bomb containing an avalanche of crumbled feta cheese and chopped black olives, capers, hunks of salty deep fried meat (or falafel), a mix of salty sauces, and some anemic lettuce, all wrapped up in the world’s thickest pita bread. I always skip dinner later that day and regret having eaten it. Surely there are other ways to experience Greek food?

      1. Derivative Poster*

        Agreed, this seems like the equivalent of forming an opinion of American food based on McDonalds. Maybe you could check out some cookbooks or some higher-end Greek restaurants. Diane Kochilas has written several excellent cookbooks about Greek food.

    2. Generic Name*

      So you don’t like gyros. What else is on the menu at the restaurant? I love spanakopita. Dolmades are great too. I suggest seeking out vegetarian dishes since it sounds like you like veggies (I do too!).

      1. StudentA*

        I hear you. I’ve decided I don’t have to appreciate it more myself. I’ve tried so many Greek restaurants in many cities and have mostly not enjoyed what I ate. Tbh, any exceptions have been at high end restaurants and even those are not guaranteed to satisfy me.

    4. Prawo Jazdy*

      Thanks – so I guess my question is, what would characterize high-end Greek food?
      It’s true that the only Greek places I’m used to are aggressively blue-collar and are very influenced by Italian diner food (“Greek pizza”, etc. )

      1. Generic Name*

        I suggest looking for places that have appetizers and a liquor license as opposed to lunch places that serve food in baskets with a side of fries. But honestly, even a Greek salad with pita on the side is a yummy option at the diner type places.

      2. Prawo Jazdy*

        That is good advice. I’m now actually curious what Greek salad without the feta and olives would be like? And ideally, I’d prefer to have a higher-end “Mediterranean” option like couscous and rosemary lamb or something (if that’s what Greek food might be)

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Well, the more “authentic” Greek salads I’ve had have had maybe two olives and a sprinkle of really nice feta. A way more balanced approach that is lovely.

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Greek food doesn’t have to be “high end” to be non-diner. Find a restaurant with a Greek name and a Greek flag somewhere that serves chicken and lemon potatoes, wine, spanikopita, skordalia, whole fish, etc. I briefly lived in Astoria, Queens, and I still miss the Greek food.

        I actually like diner food– love some souvlaki– but I couldn’t eat it every day.

      4. Not A Manager*

        Greek food frequently has delicious whole fish preparations. If you find a dish made with shrimp, tomato sauce, and feta, give that a try, it’s delicious. I happen to be a big fan of moussaka, myself.

    5. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      What kind of place fries gyro meat? It’s roasted on a big spit. And every gyro joint I’ve been to has basic gyros without feta, and an upcharge one with feta and some other items. Or just, you know, ask for no feta.

      1. Prawo Jazdy*

        The place I’m used to just tells you to choose the protein from a list. You’re probably right that some of the meat options are not fried, but they definitely fry the chicken (and falafel). They also put tons of feta on everything by default, but I could ask for no feta (and no olives) in the future.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, I feel like the whole point of going to Greek restaurants is how seriously they take their methods of cooking meat so that it’s marinated, tender and delicious. But then I’ve never been to one that could be called a diner.

    6. RagingADHD*

      My 2 favorite Greek dishes are avgolemono soup (chicken soup with lemon and egg) and spanakopita (spinach in flaky phyllo dough.)

      Of course, if you don’t like the tang of feta, you might not like spanakopita, because the filling does have feta. But it certainly isn’t fried, heavy, or full of olives, and some places make the spinach more forward than the cheese.

      I agree with others that you seem to have been to places that are “Greek” in the way that a Sbarro in a 1980’s American mall was “Italian.”

        1. Clisby*

          I love avgolemono soup. When my daughter had her wisdom teeth out, it was one of the few things she wanted to eat for the first few days of recovery.

    7. Jay*

      Like so many other commenters have said, this is a really crappy restaurant. Seriously, Greek food should not be prepared or taste like this.
      I also very much second that recommendations for whole fish, if you find a place where you trust the fish.
      Greek coffee is a personal favorite, if you can get the real stuff (made on the stove top, in those little mettle pots) and goes perfectly with some nice baklava after dinner.

  23. Sloanicota*

    Is there anything I can do to influence where people park those stupid rental e-bikes? Currently, because I live at the base of a hill, almost every day someone parks an e-bike diagonally across the sidewalk, blocking the ramp up from the street. There are a lot of wheelchair users in my neighborhood. It’s not as easy for me to move those stupid bikes as you’d think when they’re locked! Selfishly, I worry the neighbors may think I’m the ass, since it’s my house they’re always outside. There’s a lovely grassy median they could leave the bikes if they wanted where they would be in nobody’s way, but nope.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Is there somewhere you could put a (probably laminated for the weather) sign, “please leave e-bikes in the grass; walkway must remain clear” or something like that?

      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        I was thinking similar. Maybe add “please keep sidewalks clear for our neighbors using wheelchairs and stollers”? Sometimes people acting thoughtlessly change behavior when they are reminded the why of something.

    2. Squidhead*

      The e-bike rules in my city say not to leave them on the sidewalk and there’s a phone number on the bike (or maybe it’s a QR code) to report bikes where they shouldn’t be…theoretically they will dispatch someone to come move it. It’s part of their license/agreement with the city. But I’ve never tried calling and have no idea how quickly someone might come.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh, that’s a good idea, particularly because I’m unsure if it’s really just one or two users doing this. The company would have the account info.

      2. Anono-me*

        If you contact the scooter rental company and don’t get results, try telling them that you will be contacting the city or just contact the city about the scooter blockade.

        Most all rental scooter have a lojack system and in many cities, the rental operators can get fined if scooters are left in the wrong places. So the rental company can ‘see’ when scooters are left on your corner. They may just need a little incentive to either stop renting to one problem person or start dispatching one of their trucks to collect the problem scooter if it is multiple people.

      3. Texan In Exile*

        Go straight to your city councilperson or the mayor. They’re the ones who signed the agreement and they also need to feel the pain.

        And these companies need to start fining the riders who do this. They know that it’s happening!

        (I am always so tempted to knock those scooters/bikes over when they are blocking the sidewalk. So damn rude.)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          They can auto-bill their cards! It could not be simpler to enforce a fine structure (although I suppose it would be a tug of war between the company and the city.)

    3. AccessibilyOptional*

      I am disabled and I’ve had access to subway and bus stations blocked, access to walk signal buttons blocked, access to on ramps to sidewalks blocked, etc. The bikes are a menace. At least here no one actually cares. Even the transit folks just kind of shrug their shoulders and don’t do anything if blocked access to stations is reported.

      It’s been a problem here for at least a dozen years and unfortunately no one seems to care.

      1. AccessibilityOptional*

        I should add, the bikes blocking access are on station property and they still don’t care.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Besides a flamethrower and maniacal laughter, my personal preference?

      I DETEST those things; when they’re not blocking entire sidewalks or wheelchair access at street corners, I’m almost being run down by them as people zip obliviously down the middle of the sidewalk while staring at their phones. It’s a rare day when I’m not almost hit at least once in my five block walk to or from work.

    5. Zona the Great*

      You use your city’s 311 service or you call the number on the scooter to request it be moved.

    6. Bike Walk Barb*

      Ask your city to take one parking spotvat the place where the bikes get left and convert it to bike parking with racks.

      Some people mentioned foot scooters so if they also leave those, same solution. The two devices can share a dedicated space with appropriate paint markings.

      If streets didn’t have parking for cars and everyone left their car on your lawn we’d have complaints about those. Build solutions into the streets and systems to make it easy for people to do the right thing rather than relying on individual actions. We’ve done that for people who drive; time to finish creating streets that work for nondrivers too.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        One more note on this: If they’ll do it at all 4 corners it’s referred to as “daylighting” the intersection. Keeping people from parking giant SUVs at the corners improves line of sight for drivers to see people in crosswalks and reduces crashes.

  24. costello music*

    tis the season for dry hands :/

    any tips on having them not be so dry? my knuckles are cracking and bleeding. i use lotion, drink water. what am i missing?

    (i also work with books which i don’t think help but there’s no way around that.)

    1. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I have some heavy duty lotions for my hands—cetaphil makes one I like, and Trader Joe’s sells tubes of “ultra moisturizing hand cream.” I used to work with books too, and the only thing that helped my hands at that time was wearing gloves while I worked so the books wouldn’t leach all the moisture out of me. Sometimes I’d put on lotion and then the rubber gloves if my skin really needed it.

    2. Harlowe*

      Slugging! Apply a creamy lotion at night, wait a few minutes to soak in, cover with an occlusive (Vaseline, Aquaphor, etc.), apply cotton gloves, then go to sleep. The petroleum product locks in the moisture and really gets it to sink in deep. You can get cheap washable cotton gloves at most pharmacies.

      1. l'ange*

        It also works with non-petrol product, like shea butter.
        I put some every night and I no longer have issues with dry hands or eczema.

    3. Jules the First*

      Vitamin A and C and iron supplements (dry cracked skin can be a symptom of deficiency), and a big slug of a good overnight hand cream a couple of nights a week – I use L’Occitane en Provence’s intensive hand balm at bedtime (no cotton gloves required) and by morning they are refreshed but book-safe (no greasy afterfeel or odors). It’s horrendously expensive, but the tiny travel tube will last me a whole winter, so cost per year is reasonable.

      The other trick is dishwashing gloves – my hands are noticeably worse if I don’t use gloves while doing the washing up – and changing hand towels frequently so they are always soft and dry (no softener in the laundry but tumble the towels briefly to maintain softness).

      1. sagewhiz*

        My hands crack and bleed in winter too. A big yes to gloves whenever possible when working in water! I wear them not only for washing dishes but while cooking, as I can wash my hands often when handling food without getting my skin wet.

        The ones I swear by are MicroFlex Diamond Grip Powder-Free Latex Gloves. Very form fitting (unlike those huge Rubbermaid things) and reusable for a very long time. A box of 100 is about $16 on Amazon.

    4. Hyaline*

      I swear by Kiehl’s hand cream. It’s expensive because it’s worth it. But overarching advice, whatever lotion you’re using, upgrade it to a thicker hand cream and apply religiously, at minimum after every hand washing.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        We get the giant bottles of Kiehl’s body butter and I use it religiously – it’s mildly cheaper if you buy the refill bags to reload your pump bottles. I’ve also found that if I use a hydration spray (think like Evian or something similar) – spray on my hands and don’t dry them, but put the lotion over it and let it dry and it helps tremendously.

    5. Generic Name*

      I swear by bag balm. I live in a dry climate, and it’s the only thing keeping my hands from cracking and bleeding.

    6. Helvetica*

      Maybe obvious but always wear gloves if you’re outside (I assume your location is cold enough for that)! It makes such a difference if I put them on before going out, not while out, and I don’t take them off.
      And not all hand creams are equal – Neutrogena is the real deal for nighttime and nothing else comes close to truly softening and healing any cracks.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Weleda Skin Food, if it’s available where you are. I had a weird spell of dryness a couple of years ago, in spring and summer of all things, and applying it every night before bed worked like a miracle.

    8. Alex*

      I can’t recommend Coloplast Sween 24 once a day moisturizing body cream enough. It is AMAZLING, not that expensive, and it is the only lotion that has ever stopped my hands from cracking and bleeding in the winter. It has no scent at all, and you really only need a little bit once or twice a day to get the effects.

      My mom was given some by the nurse when she was going through cancer radiation to put on the places where she was getting radiation. She also has extremely dry hands (proabably where I got it from!) and was amazed at how effective it was on her hands, so now my whole family uses this stuff.

    9. The Prettiest Curse*

      La Roche-Posay hand cream is brilliant. I second the suggestion of wearing cotton gloves. I’d also suggest applying Vitamin E oil to your hands as soon as you get out of the bath or shower. Also, put on hand cream multiple times a day if you can, not just once or twice.

    10. Still*

      I have a humidifier running all winter long. The evaporative kind that doesn’t leave white dust. It makes a huge difference for my skin. And my plants are much happier!

    12. Anon57*

      this will perhaps sound extreme, but I have cracked and bleeding fingers year round. I wear gloves to wash dishes, but also to shower. I get typical Dr gloves, use a rubber band to secure around my wrist, then cover that rubber banded part with a tennis wrist guard, like those Terry cloth things to wipe sweat away. those will get wet obviously, but it helps prevent water from wicking down your arms into the actual gloves. this doesn’t prevent all the cracking but helps dramatically! also O’Keeffe’s working hands lotion.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding O’Keefe’s — that stuff works miracles on dry hands and feet.

      2. Nancy Drew*

        I was coming here to recommend O’Keefe’s! The cream formula is the only thing I use on my hands in the winter when my skin starts cracking. It takes a just tiny amount rubbed into my fingers whenever I come in from the cold. Unlike most lotions and moisturizers, O’Keefe’s forms a wax-like coating that is completely dry and not greasy, so you don’t need to slather it on. It’s not always easy to find in the store since it doesn’t get prime shelf space, but it comes in lime green packaging usually on the bottom shelves.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Or aqua packaging too! I think the hands one is green and the feet one is blue, but they contain the same ingredients and are reasonably interchangeable. The packages for the cream look like hockey pucks.

    13. Chaordic One*

      Try wearing rubber gloves (or maybe even nitrile gloves) to protect your hands when you’re doing chores, especially when washing dishes.

      I’ve had good luck using O’Keeffe’s Working Hands Hand Cream. Finally, try covering your hands with pure petroleum jelly (such as Vaseline) and then wearing cotton gloves or socks over your hands when you sleep.

      Even though I don’t have cracked skin or chapped hands, my hands are very dry. I guess it goes with being of a certain age. A minor pet peeve of mine is those darned plastic produce bags in the produce section of the supermarket, as well as the plastic bags in the self-serve checkout lane. (I usually bring my own reusable bag for groceries, but sometimes I forget and sometimes everything won’t fit in it and I need to use a couple of the store’s plastic bags.) It is darned near impossible to actually open those bags to put something in them, the way the plastic sticks together.

      1. office hobbit*

        My mom’s trick for those produce bags (which I also use) is to wet your finger under the produce sprayer jets.

    14. office hobbit*

      When looking at lotions, look for things with ingredients like oils or butters that will sink into your skin. Things like vaseline do a great job forming a barrier over your hand but most of the protection is gone as soon as you wash your hands. Things like shea butter or coconut oil will sink in and keep working without needing to be reapplied after every time you wash your hands.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      I take Vitamin D and biotin tablets for general skin-smoothing. (Vitamin E is good too.)

      1. Ctherocker*

        Gold Bond Diabetic is the best lotion I’ve ever used. I was faithful to Curel for years, but eventually it became scarce. I tried GBD, and it takes less than two hours to see a difference .

    17. Observer*

      any tips on having them not be so dry? my knuckles are cracking and bleeding. i use lotion, drink water. what am i missing?

      MORE lotion. Also, experiment – some lotions work better than others. Try to find something that you can keep near you, and that doesn’t leave your hands feeling tacky so you can keep on slathering it on.

      If you wash dishes (or anything else) by hand, gloves. And if you can use hot or even warm water, rub on some Olive or vitamin e oil. The warmth will make the oil be absorbed better and it can make a huge difference.

      If you are on a low fat diet, you may want to increase you fat intake.

    19. Karstmama*

      I don’t usually get so cracked I bleed, so grain of salt for the advice, of course.

      I use salt or sugar scrubs to get the dry flaky skin off then slug as above. Usually Vaseline and Bath&Body Works cream.

    20. osmoglossom*

      Try Porter’s Lotion — it’s phenomenal for dry, cracked skin. It’s a liquid lotion with a clean, somewhat medicinal scent that dissipates quickly. It’s non-oily so won’t stain the books you’re working with. When I worked at a law firm I handled paper constantly — paper absorbs all the natural oils from our skin — so my hands would get super chapped and Porter’s saved me. Good luck!

    21. Middle Aged Lady*

      Besides all the other excellent suggestions, here are mine:
      Castor oil.
      Also, remember your skin is one organ, so keeping the rest of your body moisturized as well may help, at least a little, with your hands.

    22. Happy Camper*

      Get the lotion Cerave. They have a deep hydration one and one for scrapes and itching. My daughter’s hands get like that and that lotion is a godsend. Please it doesn’t sting!

  25. PhyllisB*

    Okay y’all, I need a reality check. I mentioned in another comment that I attended my granddaughter’s college graduation yesterday. At the end I was wanting some photos. Of course there were tons of others doing the same, but granddaughter was feeling overwhelmed and everyone was getting exasperated with me so I quit asking. She finally agreed to one shot of her granpa, her, and me. THEN when I went to the bathroom they took all kinds of pictures, her with her mother and my hubby, one with just her and her mom, ect. (found out when they sent them to my phone.)
    I was extremely hurt because I had wanted to be in some poses like this, too. It really hurt because I was the one begging for pictures to begin with. I realize that I might be more emotional after losing my mother and son this year, because when I looked through my photos after their deaths I realized I had had one of my mother with me in it and two with my son. Maybe they don’t really care, but I can’t help but feel like if something happens to me they may regret not having any photos with me in them, or if God forbid, something happens to one of THEM, I will want them. Besides, I love looking at them later myself and remembering the day.
    So, my question is this: should I say anything to my daughter/granddaughter about how I feel or suck it up? I realize this occasion is in the books, but we’ll have other occasions coming up in the future.

    1. CityMouse*

      So I think the issue is, your granddaughter can’t go back and take the photos, you did get at least one, and so what I’m questioning is what this conversation would actually accomplish. So while your feelings are valid, would this improve your relationship or would this potentially drive some kind of wedge or lead to more hurt feelings.

      The other question is, is the son you lost this year that granddaughter’s Dad (because you mention pictures with her mom). Was she struggling a bit because of that too?

      So instead of focusing on photos, maybe focus on the relationship instead, see if maybe you two could have lunch or similar. Ask to get some photos at a holiday gathering instead.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think this is right. You got one, and it’s not going to productive to bring it up, and it was her day so if she wanted pictures at some points and not others, it’s more important to give her positive memories of that time with you. You can continue to ask for at least one photo when you get together and even say, “is it alright if we take just one? I so value the few shots I have with everybody these days.”

      2. crookedglasses*

        FWIW, I come at this question as someone who has a very limited attention span for posed group photos. I also have family members who are keen to take posed photos of every permutation of attendees every time we get together. So I feel this kind of tension deeply, albeit from a different perspective!

        It sounds like at least part of what you’re hoping for is more posed photographs with your family for the ages. I wonder if it’s worth hiring a photographer to spend part of day where that is specifically the activity? That way everyone shows up in the headspace to do photos and you can have some high quality photos with all the combinations of people you’d like.

        I’ve also found that the photos that I most treasure from gatherings are the “action shots” – people talking and laughing together, and really in the moment together. I’ve also noticed that when others take those kinds of photos, and then sharing the highlights, it prompts me to take more of those photos of others and share them.

    2. Hyaline*

      Was it kind of hurtful that your family said OK enough photos and then you left and then took a bunch of photos? Yeah, it is. But in reading the end of your post, you are assigning major life altering significance to a very minor situation. And I think that you know that you’re doing that, and that it’s not entirely logical, though it does make sense from an emotional standpoint. Moving forward, no I would not have a conversation with your family about this particular incident; however, if you feel that it’s meaningful to you to have photos, ask more often! Insert yourself! Make it normal to grab some photos! When you’re not attaching all or nothing significance to one event, it becomes a lot less fraught when at that one event things don’t work out the way you would like.

    3. WellRed*

      Phyllis, why were people exasperated with you? Were you actually pestering? I ask because if you were, try a different approach next time you want photos. Not saying this was the problem, mind you. It may be that granddaughter suddenly had a mental reset regarding photos and decided to roll with it. Not to hurt you. Request they share some of the photos they took and do not bring up your hurt. I do think your recent losses is making this harder for you. Take care of yourself.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I was wondering about this too. I got exasperated at my MIL at Thanksgiving this year because she just started wandering around with her iPad taking pictures and I’m not a fan of pictures in the first place and it felt a bit like paparazzi. If she had asked and said – I’d like to enjoy a picture of everyone – let us pause and get ready for it – and then done one great – but just following us around it was too much. So I think it’s sometimes just the way it is presented can be challenging.

        I also think too in today’s day in age, we are SO indundated with pictures of everything and social media in our face that sometimes I’m just over the constant capturing of myself.

        Regardless – I’m so sorry you are feeling hurt Phyllis. It’s hard to lose people and feel disconnected from the ability to reflect on those memories.

    4. Glazed Donut*

      It’s the granddaughter’s day since it’s her college graduation. Yes, she may look back in a few decades and realize she wished she took more pictures, but that’s her lesson to learn.
      If you want more pictures with this bunch, make it happen! Have a dinner or a lunch or some other occasion that is yours, get a photographer, and get the pictures.
      There could be tons of reasons those pictures happened after you left for the restroom. Maybe a good spot/good lighting opened up, maybe someone got a burst of energy, etc.
      The bottom line is that this wasn’t your graduation; it’s hers, and it’s her time to call the shots. If you like having pictures to look back on, take more yourself – of the venue, other people, details, etc. I would not bring this up with them.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oof that first paragraph is me. I hate having my picture taken but I wish I had more pictures of my graduation. One with my dad would be lovely, because I was the first to graduate and my cap and gown made him cry. At the end of the day, though, I have other pictures. I also think nice memories count for more than pictures (which can get in the way of enjoying the moment) and I have lots of those. Live in the moment and enjoy people, instead of stressing about preserving the moment (though I acknowledge I sometimes took that rule too far; one pic of my graduation, and it’s with my EX!).

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      It was mean of them to do photos without you knowing you wanted some, but it also sounds like you were being pushy at the wrong time. HER graduation is not about you. Did you really want pictures with her looking overwhelmed on her special day? What was happening when you wanted pictures vs when they were taken (ex: were you in a location with an ugly backdrop or would be blocking people from getting by, was she talking to a friend or saying goodbye to a favorite professor)? Do you normally have a good relationship with her or has there always been a bit of pressure for her to center your wants? Either you wanted pictures at an inappropriate time or she wanted pictures without you.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      Is it possible that her mom/whoever was after her to do pictures and, while she could say no to you, she felt she couldn’t say no to them? I would just enlist everyone, especially your husband, before each get-together, and say “You all know I want pictures of myself with all of you, so help me get that done before I/you leave!” A very lighthearted “We were so busy last time it didn’t get done!” without recrimination would probably be ok as a reminder. I know it makes you feel like you missed out on something but you got to be there and that’s the best!

    7. Anono-me*

      How long does it take you to take posed pictures? I think that some people like spending time on posed photos and others don’t. I’m a 5 minutes max type per posed photo session person.

      If you want more photos of you with people, I have a few suggestions.

      -Going forward, maybe try to keep your involvement in any posed photo shoots to a minute or less.

      -If you suggest a posed photos, try to time them for a peaceful non stressful lull.

      -Ask your spouse to take candid shots of you at family functions.

      I agree with those who are saying: Please don’t bring up your disappointment about not being in more photos at the graduation to anyone, especially your grandchild. All it will do is possibly sour a good memory.

      I would also like to point out that it sounds like she did a quick set of photos with 1 or 2 pictures each with various guest groups. In which case you would have only been in one or two more pictures max.

      Finally and with the gentalist of intentions.
      You have had a heartbreakingly rough time the past few years; could you be putting too much preasure on everything being perfect for the bright moments?

    8. office hobbit*

      Did you ask your husband (or your daughter) what led to more photos being taken after you went to the bathroom? It sounds like a small anxious part of your mind is wondering if the vibe was “oh good, now that grandma’s gone let’s take some fun photos!” It could equally have been someone pointing out “come on, photos are important to grandma, let’s take a few more and surprise her,” not realizing how important it was for you to be in them too. I’m also wondering if the way you were taking photos felt longer or more annoying (sorry for this word choice) than the way they took photos–like if you were trying to line everyone up for a classic pose and they were taking quick selfies. Either way, I wouldn’t bring this up to your granddaughter, but I think you could gently let your husband and/or daughter know that photos are feeling very important to you and you’d like to get a few good ones with everyone at family events (framing this as a thing you’d like to do in the future, not as you being sad about how it happened at the graduation). If the differing styles is in play, you could add that you liked the ones they took at the graduation.

      1. Sloanicota*

        A quick way to take a photo is to ask a waiter* or some kindly passer by for a quick snap when you’re all sitting down at the table together, during a lull. The reason I recommend this is the presence of the stranger will probably make it very brief, and less intrusive than asking everyone to stop what they’re doing and line up in front of the fireplace. I find young people today don’t go for formal photos as much, as they’re used to every second being documented already.

        *Only ask the waiter if it’s a relaxed place and not busy, but I find there’s usually some friendly person up and about

    9. Zona the Great*

      Can I ask if you have a habit of requesting pictures, especially posed pictures? The only reason I ask is because I have a persistent and pestering parent who frequently insists on such pictures and it became A Thing in our relationship where I began resenting him for not respecting my boundaries on it. But anyone else who doesn’t have that history with me can request the exact same photo in the exact same pose in the exact same event and it won’t trigger me.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Thanks for all the responses. Instead of answering each one I decided to answer here.
        I realize this specific occasion is gone (I said that in my original post.)
        Yes, granddaughter, mother and I have a very good, loving relationship.
        No, deceased son was not dad, but her uncle. He didn’t figure into this except for the passing thought that he would have been so proud of his oldest niece graduating from college.
        Also, I didn’t expect a bunch of photos, but when I left they took a lot of different groupings, her with her mother and my husband, her with boyfriend, ect, ect. Obviously I would not have expected to be in the one with the boyfriend, but I would have loved one with me, her, and her mom. It got to me because I had ASKED for that and they blew me off then did all of them when I left the area. Y’all have seen college graduation family photos before, you know how they’re done.
        Besides, they generally do tons of photos for EVERYTHING but when we have family get together I can’t ever get them to take any with me in them. One or two is plenty then they can do whatever they want.
        Like I said, you never know what the future will bring. I wasn’t totally surprised to lose my mother this year, but who expects their child to die at the age of 38? I thought I had plenty of time to get more with him in the future. Well, I kinda thought I had more time to get more with my mother, too because she was doing really great until about a month before she died.
        That’s a good suggestion about professional photography. I’ve mentioned that before but got out voted on that. Besides, the ones we make ourselves are always more special.
        Once again I thank all of you for your comments. I knew I could count on you to help me come to terms with this.
        I guess my advice is, if photos are important to you make sure you get them, and if someone in your family wants them try to accommodate them with a photo or two, even if you hate having your picture made and think you look awful in every one. Those photos will mean a lot in the future.

        1. Middle Aged Lady*

          I am sorry this happened and put a bit of a damper on this special occasion. For some reason this happens to my husband, who is a good photographer! People don’t listen when he tries to group them, but when I do it, they do. Even with candid shots, all I have to do is say, “look at me and smile” and they do. Maybe because I am louder! Maybe enlist a family ally to help you get the shots you want.

        2. allathian*

          I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time with this, and I’m sorry that your family members seem to lack empathy for your situation. It would’ve been one thing if they only wanted a photo of the graduating granddaughter and her parents, but given how you were singled out of the photos, their behavior was, frankly, mean.

          The graduation’s done, but I hope you’ll have other opportunities to get photos with your family in the years to come.

          I’m a 5 minutes and I’m done posing type of person. My MIL used to annoy me at every event by taking lots and lots of photos, until I asked her once to take a look at the photos she’d taken before taking any more “just in case.” That worked. She’s still taking photos, but it doesn’t take 15 minutes of posing any more.

  26. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I am going to be spending a few weeks in the first part of the year in Wisconsin, plus leaving my house (Indiana) a lot more often in general this winter, so my usual “stay inside, bundle up in hoodies and hug the space heater” method of dealing with cold weather won’t be quite as viable. So I am contemplating heat layers, the kind of thing that are sort of a modern version of long johns but thinner and smooth rather than the stereotypical waffle weave. :) (Specifically I’m looking at Uniqlo’s Heattech line, because I am generally happy with their stuff, but I’m not dedicated to it.)

    Mostly my question is — how do you figure out if you need/want them? I will be both outside and inside, and while I don’t want to be cold (though I am in fact usually cold inside while everyone else is comfortable), I also don’t want to overcompensate to the point where I’m overheating inside because I dressed for an outdoor temperature of 15F or whatever. The Heattech stuff has three tiers, rated 41-68 degrees, 23-59 and -4 to 50, and I’m sure I am massively overthinking this. Help?

    1. Hyaline*

      Also an Indiana human, hi!

      I really like silk long johns–they make a difference in outdoor wear, but they aren’t so heavy or thick that they feel too warm if I’m inside, too, and they’re low-profile enough that they don’t bulk out clothes. Silk is an excellent insulator, especially if you layer wool over it, but it’s not suffocating. With that layer underneath and then my usual outdoor layers, I’m usually fine for “normal” outdoor excursions (walking to and from the car, hiking across campus, etc) without overheating indoors. If I’m outside for longer periods, I’m usually doing something active like hiking or ice skating, and they’re fine for that too. YMMV! But I might start there and see how they work?

    2. crookedglasses*

      Fellow Hoosier here, at least by birth! I’ve since moved west. (:

      I find that I am almost always more comfortable wearing thermal bottoms in the winter, regardless of if I’m indoors or out. I remember discovering them in high school, and it was a total revelation that my legs didn’t just need to be cold for months in end, actually. I can be sensitive about textures, particularly for snug fitting clothes, so that’s really the biggest driver for me in thermal selection.

      YMMV, but I also tend to be consistently colder in my legs. So even if I have thermal bottoms on and am feeling warm inside, taking off a top outer layer (like a hoodie) is usually going to be the better tactic for me anyhow.

      Good luck!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I grew up in Michigan and just dealt with being cold, and then spent ten-ish years in the PNW. My first winter in Indiana, I have vague memories of wearing leggings under my work pants and being blown away at how helpful it was, but that was 2014 and I’ve worked from home ever since, so the hoodies-and-space-heater plan has worked well :) But, new job starting next month will change that up some, and I don’t remember (or still have) what I used back then :)

        Also, vests! I love the IDEA of puffy vests, but my arms always feel much colder than my torso, heh.

    3. Square Root of Minus One*

      I wear the Heattech ones 6 to 8 months a year, it allows me to wear my normal clothes year round.
      I went out to buy them because my office heating was failing. I was actually hurting from the cold (legs and feet), and wearing them ended the need to bundle in a plaid for 2 hours as soon as I got home from work.
      I never thought about it but the guidelines seem good to me, give or take a few degrees to factor in windchill, how much exercising and things like that. But I’d rather overheat a bit than be too cold again.
      Frankly… if you give them a try, you will learn over time.

    4. Alex*

      Not sure I can really answer your actual question, but I have the Heattech stuff from Uniqlo and love it! I don’t really find I overheat it in inside. I actually didn’t realize it came in different weights so I’m not sure which one I have, but it was definitely from them and has held up well over several years (I don’t put it in the dryer).

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Cuddl Duds! They sound like just the thing–very, very lightweight and soft, but HEAT RETAINING (take that seriously–if you’re going to be going from one temp range to another, be sure you can adjust your layers, because these are designed to be worn as underlayers.)

      These are body-hugging and as I said, lightweight, so perfect for underneath other clothes. That said, you may want to go up one size to make sure they don’t Cuddl you too insistently!

    6. WestsideStory*

      Silk tops and bottoms are my go-to. Silk retains heat well but is also breathable so you don’t get too hot when you finally get inside.
      LL Bean sells them online.

      Hand wash.

    7. guerilla agile*

      my family swears by the brand “32 degrees”. For reference they’ve tested it in Iowa and on a trip to Tierra del Fuego (far south, South America).

    8. DistantAudacity*

      For me, in cold weather wind factor is a big decider: From about -1 C (so just below freeezing), I’ll add a nylon layer under pants. Helps a surprising amount! Sometimes just knee-highs do the trick, along with a long coat. For colder weather, as you say, thin woolen (or wool/silk) technical johns, and also Uniqlo.

      If there is wind, I’ll do the same at +2-3C.

      Anyway: big factor in the cold is to make sure I am wind proof. This keeps the cold from seeping in outdoors, and makes it so I can have less layers indoors.

      I make sure also that I can open up/cover key points as needed: wrists and neck.

  27. RussianInTexas*

    Not a medical advice, more of a rant.
    For the last two years I’ve been pretty serious about health and weigh (it was to much for ME, and I am not saying others should feel the same).
    I lost weight. Got a lot more active. Cut down any meat to once a day, red meat way down, processed meat to almost none, my lunches are commonly vegan, occasionally pescatarian, I eat almost no sweets, no full fast dairy, no soda or juice (soda and full fat dairy trigger my acid reflux) except very rarely, same for alcohol, very little processed carbs, watch like a hawk for added sugar. I take fiber supplement, probiotics, low fat kefir, eat a serving of fruit and vegetables with every meal.
    What does my blood sugar does? Go up again, to the dangerous level.
    It’s so frustrating and dejecting.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I had to find a new doctor because my old one left the practice and the network. She was very nice, but now I am questioning her “more excersize and avoid desserts, nothing else needed” for someone with the a1c of 6.2.

      1. Imtheone*

        See a new doctor! Weird to not treat the diabetes more vigorously.
        Also, check out newer dietary recommendations. I won’t offer medical advice here, but I think you may find additional suggestions.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          No, you misunderstood, I just got the new doctor. I am not a diabetic yet, but borderline, with the new tests.
          I am waiting for her PA to schedule a follow-up, but “meanwhile avoid carbohydrates and desserts”, and that part is just frustrating. I have!

          1. WellRed*

            Ok I see you aren’t diagnosed. Sometimes there’s really no rhyme or reason to it. You can do everything thing right but if your body doesn’t process carbs as efficiently, it doesn’t. it’s tough and frustrating.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            Has your new doc taken down your full medical history, including ALL medications and supplements? Sometimes those can out of nowhere start producing weird results, especially as we age.

    2. WellRed*

      Do you actually have diabetes? Are you eating protein with every meal? And fruit is healthy but it’s also sugar.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I do not, not yet, and I am trying not to. Yes, I am eating protein, my fruit intake isn’t that high, the fruit isn’t the one that spikes sugar much.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        My “bad” cholesterol level actually went down, and literally all other markers from the blood test are in the normal range. Kidneys, liver, thyroid, all other things. Perfect blood pressure all my life, strong teeth, no heart issues, etc.

        1. Part time lab tech*

          If all your other markers are down, keep up the good work. I am going to comment that vegetarian protein such as legumes often also contains a lot of carbohydrate. (My husband is Indian and can not accept this.)
          Secondly, if your ancestors had long frozen winters, eating mostly vegetarian may not suit your body. The association between processed meat and increased disease risk is there, but not with fresh meat.
          Good luck experimenting. I feel your frustration.

    3. Professor Plum*

      I have learned a lot from Marty Kendall at optomisingnutrition dot com. He’s an engineer who uses data to explain and understand how nutrition affects our weight, blood sugar and health. If you go to the blog and then ‘quick start’ there’s a good overview with links to many more articles. I’ll put a direct link in a reply to this comment.

      He has many free resources available on his website and when you join his free community. There are also courses available at a reasonable cost if you wish to participate after exploring what’s available for free. I’ve had a great experience with this program finding better health.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I have done really similar rants when I didn’t get a particular result, but don’t forget to remember you were caring for yourself in what sounds like super delicious ways! There’s no way all that nutrition and self care was wasted.

    5. Busy Middle Manager*

      I think you’re just venting, so I will agree with you. Been there last year. My cholesterol is an issue and it went up between quarterly visits, and TBH, I really don’t know why. I felt dejected because I truly put in the work and stick out like a sore thumb with how healthy I eat at time. I had to work in a few intermittent fasts, and that seemed to finally do this trick. But I get your frustration – it took way more work than the doctor or I expected to get pretty baseline results.

      there is always a bit of tension; I have a top doctor and don’t want to lose him, but at the same time, he is so skeptical of things patience say, I bet he’s been lied to alot in the past, based on how he reacts

    6. tab*

      Oh, that is SO frustrating! I’m afraid that the truth is we can only do so much with diet and exercise, and our genes play a big role in what diseases we get. As a half latina, I’m fighting the high blood sugar problem too. I just tell myself that I will do what I can, and if I still have a problem, I know that I’ve done the best that I can. I don’t have any advice for you, but I hope that you can appreciate all the other benefits that your new lifestyle is giving you, and that your A1C numbers improve with time.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Nutrition, exercise, and weight are the modifiable risk factors for diabetes. There are also risk factors beyond anyone’s control, like genetics, aging, and other pre-existing conditions.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      My husband is on blood pressure meds and just discovered that they raise blood sugar!

      Hope this wasn’t too medical, but that was our shock of the week….

    9. ampersand*

      I’m having this same problem! It’s so annoying when you’re doing everything right and your blood sugar levels go up.

      What I’ve learned: declining hormone levels as women age, and also being anemic, can wreak havoc on blood sugar. If either of those applies to you, that could be the cause. Just throwing that out there in case it’s helpful!

    10. Karstmama*

      See if you can get one of those continuous monitors for a month or two. A friend who was pre-diabetic found with one that something she was leaning on (maybe brown rice? Not sure) was really shooting her sugars up. Anyway, perhaps more specific information would be helpful.

      And you are doing great.

  28. Anima*

    Some updates from me:
    Deviled eggs recipe: Thank you all so much for the tips and tricks and recipes! I tried it, I actually free handed the measurements, and the eggs turned out amazing! Paprika really *is* the secret ingredient for deviled eggs. :) Now I know what to do if my eggs get overcooked, I just “devil” them.

    Hair: I asked a few weeks back about my hair falling out. Apparently complaining about it helped because shortly after my post it stopped? It’s now back to normal, a few hairs here and there and also mostly after washing.
    I think it was just seasonal shedding, also my hair got quite long, maybe the amount on the floor freaked me out – three hairs curled up now look like a lot more than before. Didn’t help that my husband has his hair down to the tailbone, together it was a menace.

    But follow up question: this could also have been hair breakage, I noticed the hair at the front of my head is completely broken of. I do not use a lot of hair ties or claw clips or clips in general (the small metal one that go ‘click’ are forbidden in my household, they just break of my hair). What could that be? I don’t have that badly broken off hair anywhere else around my head (maybe headphones?).

    1. Anono-me*

      Have you had health issues recently?
      I was ill and lost quite a bit of hair. Apparently the body can redirect resources from growing and maintaining hair to other more critical areas when dealing with health problems.

    2. The gourmet cupcake*

      I’m not a doctor and this is anecdotal, but my mom lost some hair for a few weeks. It might have been stress, or age, but she lost some hair. She used to put her hair in a tight bun, but post loss she goes with a looser ponytail. She actually loves her hair now, it was really thin k and unmanageable for her.

    4. Karstmama*

      Have you had general anesthesia in the past 6 months? That can lead to temporary but noticeable hair loss.

  29. Hyaline*

    A low stakes (but maybe actually higher stakes!) question–as an adult, how do you celebrate your birthday? I’m feeling a little bummed coming off a milestone birthday where I did basically nothing–got takeout that my family likes but I don’t and that was that! (Underlying issues of prioritizing others’ enjoyment over my own? Yes, very much at play, but) I’m struggling to find meaningful ways to celebrate accomplishments and milestones when I feel like I have to shoehorn them into a busy life with a ton of obligations (and December is the worst for birthdays!).

    1. Sloanicota*

      I plan a trip for myself, even if it’s just a long weekend. For a big year I’ll plan a “big ticket” trip – doesn’t have to be on the day, maybe I book it on the day or something, but it’s my “birthday trip.” If I can take the day off work, I do that too.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I always take the day off work–luckily it’s at a slow time of year but I have to request it well in advance.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      For my birthday, I typically go out to eat (by myself, with friends, or with family depending on who’s around/free the weekend closest to my birthday).

      Some of my friends host a 30-person party at their houses for their birthday. Some of my friends do a 15-person lunch at a restaurant for their birthday. One of my family members delayed their birthday celebration by a month so the weather would be better and they could have it outside. If December makes scheduling too difficult, how do you feel about celebrating a month later (in January) or celebrating your half-birthday (in June) instead?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        My aunt is a Christmas Eve baby and celebrates her half birthday (I always send a birthday card on her actual natal day, though!)

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      A thing that is out of the ordinary and that I like. Usually this means a meal out, or takeout, but that I enjoy being the main criterion. I usually don’t have the energy to plan anything fancier–though if there’s a show we want to see near one person’s birthday that might be the reason–so it’s mostly about a break in the routine, and being something the birthday person enjoys.

      I decided to start recognizing the day I was theoretically cancer free as a milestone, and so went out to dinner with family at a nice restaurant. Nothing more complex, but marking the day by doing something pleasant and out of the usual routine.

      From your post, I think the issues are not prioritizing “A thing the birthday person would like” and “Which everyone else agrees is the main criterion and goes along with.”

    4. Shoulders at my ears*

      Could you just celebrate your birthday in January? My policy tends to be that any time within a month of the birthday is suitable for celebrating. And mid to late January is a good time because people tend not to have plans and are grateful for something to do after a week or two to recover from Christmas.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I want to second this and say – it’s not too late! Let this milestone birthday be the year you stand up for yourself. Tell your family, “I was bummed we didn’t do anything for my birthday. I’d like to celebrate in January this year and do X” (I still learn towards a fun getaway, but it could also be signing yourself up for a class or whatever will feel memorable and a bit indulgent to you – ideally, it doesn’t have to be something your family agrees to cooperate on). I say do this especially if you go out of your way to plan nice birthdays for the rest of your family. You can still do better than takeout you don’t like at home!

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I have a summer birthday and love to have short trips around then, but it doesn’t always work out. So if I’m at home, I plan for something small that I’ve never done before, and that’s my One Birthday Thing. Could be anything: a new cake recipe, a complicated dish for dinner, going to the cinema, an exhibition, an activity I wouldn’t normally do. The rest of the day can be the most ordinary ever (I’m often at work on the actual day), but if the One Birthday Thing happens, even at the cost of doing it alone, then that’s my happiness guaranteed.

    6. Generic Name*

      I like to throw myself parties for milestone birthdays. I did one for my 30th, 40th, and 45th. Mostly to have an excuse to have a party in the summer. My mom’s birthday is the day after mine, and we’ll often celebrate together as well. Maybe next year go out to a restaurant that you pick?

    7. The Dude Abides*

      For me, it’s usually a nice sit-down dinner and something fun.

      This year, we went to a higher-end place I’d never been to, and we saw a musical put on by a local group…and I kept getting funny looks because my main birthday present that day was a black eye and six stitches right below my eye.

    8. Pam Adams*

      I try to spread my birthday over the meal nth meals with different people, buying myself a present or other small indulgence, maybe a little trip.

    9. Not Australian*

      DH and I conveniently have birthdays that fall four months apart, and that’s roughly the frequency with which we also take trips (we’re retired), so we set aside a special day on each trip to do a bucket-list type of thing for the nearest birthday: among other treats we’ve been on archaeology field trips, travelled on preserved steam railways, and had lunch aboard a Royal yacht. It’s always fascinating to plan and enjoy these *extra* little treats. With your birthday being in December, why not have an ‘official birthday’ in the summer and do something special for yourself then?

      1. Generic Name*

        Yes! I forgot to mention that I like to take the day off work on my birthday and get a massage or a pedicure or something.

    11. Bluebell Brenham*

      I did a lot of fun things in the past to celebrate my birthday, even though it’s during “the holiday season” – invited friends to a party at a Russian bathhouse, did karaoke, met up with a sister in NY to see an immersive theater piece. In the years where I celebrated smaller I would take the day off and go to a museum show and have a nice dinner w friends and family. Since covid I’ve been more careful for medical reasons but usually still fit in art and nice take out. This year I’m dialing it way back and asking good friends to take trips w me in 2025.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I have certain celebratory foods that I make sure to get — seven-layer cake from one bakery, triple chocolate mousse cake from another, pizza from the good pizza place. I don’t really have people to celebrate with, and I’m being covid cautious, which adds another layer of difficulty, but I do like to mark important milestones with a little food ritual, even if I’m eating alone in my car!

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      I think your birthday present to yourself is speaking up about its importance to you.

      The problem with being low key (and online in general [not on AAM] I’ve run into really incredible hostility towards anyone over the age of ten daring to want to be acknowledged, let alone celebrated, on their birthday) is that people start assume this is how you want things, or that you don’t want your birthday acknowledged.

      And for some people that is very much the truth! But it can be easy to slide into the “if she wanted anything else she’d say so” mentality and end up ordering takeout you don’t even like. On your birthday!

      So give yourself the gift of speaking up. “I haven’t said much before, but it’s important to me that you* [plan something/buy a card/make the dinner reservations/come to a party]” Make sure you allow plenty of time for planning and RSVPing.

      *”You” should refer to family and friends, of course, not random aquaintances.

    14. WFH4VR*

      I dislike birthdays at my age, but I go on a trip to New York and see a play. Sometimes I go by myself, sometimes I go with a girl friend (spouse isn’t that much of a theater fan.) It always feels like I am doing something just for ME without having to please other people.

    15. AnonAnon*

      I went shopping with a friend and bought myself a really nice vase for my last major milestone. Then I had a silk arrangement made for it. And that was my present!
      My husband means well, but he’s just not that great at this stuff.

    16. Cat Wrangler*

      Christmas Eve baby here, too (and I grew up in a family that celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve). This is tricky! When my kids were young and we weren’t traveling, I would go spend the morning by myself at the local yarn-coffee store, because no present was better than a few hours to myself. Now I still do it because I enjoy the shop, my drink, the knitting time, etc.

      Think of it as training your family to respect you as well. Would you expect one of those family members to be fine with eating takeout they didn’t like on their birthday? If it’s not okay for them, it’s not okay for you, either. You don’t have to be extravagant with the milestones, but choosing something that is meaningful to you IS important. I hope you brainstorm a good long list for all the important things yet to come!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This is a really good point. How you let yourself be treated really does get noticed by your kids, especially if you’re female-presenting.

    17. Nightengale*

      My family made a big deal about my birthday well into young adulthood in a way that I really resented because they did not make a similar deal about birthdays for other adults in the family. Only child, only grandchild on one side and also grandniece, and with a summer birthday which meant I was generally home for example when in college. The first time I had a summer job where I was AWAY for my birthday was fine for me and I think traumatic for them. . .

      So what I do now, sometimes go out to dinner with a friend, sometimes make myself a nice dinner, sometimes plan my summer vacation so I am with my mother and let her get me some gooey chocolate something. She usually gets me a cookbook. Other people sometimes send “happy birthday” e-mails. If I’m working that day I bring in cookies or maybe they get cupcakes. It’s such a relief.

    18. KateM*

      I have a start-of-January birthday (just when everyone has has enough of partying and college students have to study for exams) and a milestone birthday coming in a year. I wish I had any ideas, too! It is cold and possibly snowing during that time of year here.

      1. dapfloodle*

        Where I live, college students have exams the first or second week of December, not January. Interesting!

    19. Girasol*

      I love birthday cake so I get it once a year. If someone is around I get extra and share. But if it’s just one cupcake (piled with colorful frosting and sprinkles) just for me, it’s still a celebration.

    20. Bike Walk Barb*

      We refer to it as my “birthdayweekmonth” because trying to make something happen on a specific date is often a challenge. Any time that whole month I want to do something or get something special it’s labeled a birthday thing. Go out to dinner? Birthday treat. Stop my friend as we’re riding our bikes past a vintage shop, say, “Wait for me while I go buy these earrings I didn’t get this weekend that I’ve been thinking about ever since!”, and rush in to buy them for myself? Birthday present.

      I read a suggestion a while back to take whatever number you’re turning and do that number of somethings you want to do. Doesn’t have to be spending money although that certainly can be part of it, like tasting that many different kinds of cheese or chocolate. Could be watching X number of videos that make you laugh out loud, play X number of songs you love and dance around your house. I compiled a whole list of ideas for that; I’ll share a link.

      For wedding anniversaries I started a thing with my husband where we go on a date for each year we’ve been married, spreading them out over 2-3 weeks (17 dates this year). Again, could involve spending money on a nice meal, could mean packing a picnic and riding our bikes to a park to birdwatch.

      I do the planning because I like doing it and it matters to me. For the anniversary dates I compile a list of things that sound fun to me, share it with him, he puts a star by things he likes and suggests some more, I review, we land on the general plan and allow for flexibility. If it matters to me I take the lead to make sure it happens. (Yes, I’ve read all the articles on emotional labor. This isn’t an issue for me/us around this kind of thing.)

  30. Balanceofthemis*

    Reading post, what is everyone reading? I am still reading my way through the Rivers of London series and really enjoying it.

    1. GoryDetails*

      There’s already a reading thread – see Jackalope’s post near the beginning of the comments. (I do love the Rivers of London books!)

      1. Just here for the scripts*

        Thirding the love of Rivers—been listening to some interstitial shorts of his from Amazon that I hadn’t caught as full books. So good to hear the narrator’s voice again!!!

  31. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Thoroughly enjoyed A Man on the Inside, in which a retired engineering professor goes undercover at a nursing home. Gentle and touching. There’s a point where I realized that the director is doing sit ups with head phones on, and there are lots of shows where this would be leading up to someone being murdered, but here no one is murdered.

    In Christmas movies, tried Our Little Secret, in which the two romantic partners traveling to spend Christmas with their partner’s parents realize they are exes, and no one knows, and for reasons of not picturing them en flagrante decide they should lie. Which of course fails. This is one that on paper was doing a lot of things right, but just didn’t really come together with people I was rooting for? I love Kristen Chenoweth and her character seemed very 2D here.

    To have a thing to watch with our son when he comes home for a long stretch, we are watching season 1 of Arcane. This is really good. Art is great, lots of layers, and they just took the trope “Earnest yet usually incompetent tagalong tags along in secret” in a direction I did not see coming.

    1. CityMouse*

      I watched Day of the Jackal and it’s interesting to have the two main characters both be people you’re not really rooting for.

    2. Harlowe*

      My household is on a kick where we go through a specific actor’s filmography. Currently doing Matt Berry, so we started with Toast of London. It’s delightfully ridiculous.

    3. Middle Aged Lady*

      Big Dune fan here, and we are watching the Dune: Prophecy prequel. Great actors: Emily Watson, Mark Strong, Olivia Williams. Political intrigue, cool costumes, questions of where one’s loyalty should lie, and which power broker really has people’s best interests at heart.

  32. Anono-me*

    Can a more knowledgeable foodie help me identify the ingredient or ingredients that gives regular Japanese restaurant food its unique flavor profile?

    I’m near a major metro area with lots of wonderful restaurants showcasing food from all over the world. And I’ve come to enjoy foods from so many new backgrounds, but something about most Japanese food doesn’t work for me and I would like to find out what it is. I am hoping it is something I can just request be left out of my order when friends and family want to eat at a Japanese restaurant.

    If it is helpful, I love restaunts with traditional and fusión food from Cambodia, Laos, S. Korea, Thai, many areas of China…pretty much all over Asia, except food from Japan.

    1. CityMouse*

      That’s really tough. Are there any specific dishes you can point to as containing this flavor? Is this sushi? Ramen? Noodle dishes? If it’s in broths and sauces it’s going to be a lot harder to leave out.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      If it helps, I worked out that I seem to be allergic to kombu, a type of seaweed that is the main component in dashi broth. It explained why I got sick eating hot pot at a local Japanese place; when we went to NYC we indulged in a wonderful omakase meal, in which I skipped the one dashi dish.

    3. Squidhead*

      How do you feel about miso soup at Japanese restaurants? There are lots of kinds of miso (and the miso used in that soup is usually pretty mild) but it’s not as common in other Asian cuisines and maybe that’s what you’re tasting? (Miso is used in lots of dishes and sauces; the soup is just has the fewest other ingredients.) If miso is the issue, that’s not really “leave-out-able” but things like sushi or tempura probably wouldn’t contain it.

      1. Squidhead*

        Also high on my list: sesame oil. It has a smoky/umami flavor (and miso has, broadly, a tangy umami flavor), and I think both are more common in Japanese food (at least as served abroad) than in other cuisines.

        But it would help to have some exemplars of dishes you didn’t like *or* of the few exceptions that don’t taste the same way to you.

      2. HannahS*

        I’d guess that it’s dashi. Usually it’s a combination of seaweed (kombu) and bonito flakes, which are from cured, smoked fish. Dashi is the broth that forms the backbone of most soups and sauces, and also what many things are simmered in. It’s got a very savoury, slightly fishy, and slightly smoky/funky taste.

        You probably can’t ask for it to be left out of a dish, but it makes sense that you’d like sushi and tempura, because those dishes don’t generally have dashi.

        I’m absolutely in love with Japanese food, and getting my hands on good dashi is what made my home-cooked versions taste more like restaurant food–that’s partly why I think it’s the culprit!

    4. Alex*

      Not sure it’s a specific flavor, but I feel the same way about Japanese food, even though pretty much every other Asian country’s food is my favorite. For me I think it is the overall aesthetic of Japanese food I don’t care for–it’s just different from those other cuisines, which tend to rely on fairly strong spices/aromatics that combine into an overall flavor, whereas Japanese food is more….deliberate and minimalistic? Not sure exactly, but I generally don’t care for most Japanese dishes either.

    5. Generic Name*

      Can you tell us which specific dishes have the flavor you don’t like? Japanese food can be anything from Katsu (fried chicken) to a slice of raw fish and some rice.

    6. Anono-me*

      I like sushi and most temppanyaki. And I love really good tempura. It is more the ramen and family style restaurants where it feels like everything has the same underlying flavor profile.

      I am worried that it might be a sauce that is typically used in everything. I just don’t want to be the that person in the group who wont go to any homestyle Japanese restaurant. I’m already the person who won’t go to 3 specific restaurants (1 healthcode and 2 BofH staff treatment issues. )

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I would think that a few things could be – but from a quick google search I wonder if it is Shoyu – especially since you said you didn’t like Ramen – and most ramen places have a Shoyu broth:

        “Shoyu is the most widely used condiment in Japanese cuisine and found in or added to a large number of dishes. The fermented soybean product adds depth to a dish when cooked together or when used as a dipping sauce like for sushi. There are different types of soy sauce, including light and dark ones.”

        1. bay scamp*

          I’d doubt that it was soy sauce since this person likes sushi and, especially, teppanyaki, since teppanyaki items are usually very soy forward, and sushi is always served with soy sauce.

          1. Rosyglasses*

            Shoyu is not the same as soy sauce but it has the same root ingredient and can have a musky taste to some.

            1. bay scamp*

              Nope, “shoyu” is literally the Japanese word for soy sauce. There are many varieties of shoyu/soy sauce though, some being “muskier” than others if that’s how one characterizes certain flavor components.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I would also bet on dashi, which is made from kombu (a type of seaweed) and bonito flakes. The bonito flavor is present in so much Japanese food, and dashi is pretty unique to Japanese cuisine. Unfortunately, it’s pretty hard to remove dashi from Japanese dishes that contain it, so you’d have to order something else altogether. But when I think of the Japanese dishes I enjoy, they all use dashi– agedashi tofu, miso soup, simmered squash, etc. It’s so omnipresent that before our trip to Japan my partner, who had been a vegetarian since he was a teenager, started eating fish so he could tolerate dashi while we were there.

      But here’s the thing: it’s ok if you don’t like Japanese food! If your friends and family want your company, they can pick another restaurant. If they really want Japanese, they just go without you.

    8. Anono-me*

      Thank you everyone for all your detective work . Next time I wind up at a ramen or family style japanese restaurant, I have some ideas on what to try to avoid. (And it is nice to know that I am not alone in my reaction Alex.)

  33. Shoulders at my ears*

    To what extent is my negative response to the sound of shouting men normal?

    I recently moved to a loud street with a lot of foot traffic and nightlife. It’s a student city so there are lots of groups of young people at night in the pubs (not in the US, drinking age is 18). Sometimes they shout, and I can hear it in my apartment. It’s not necessarily in anger, most is just lads shouting to their friends as they walk home or to another bar. It’s not a rough area and young men are going to be rambunctious.

    The point is most of the shouting is probably innocent, either lads shouting in fun or to be heard by their friends, and mostly not in anger.

    But still, I’m finding it really gets my back up and my heart racing and I’m wondering if it’s normal to have such a strong negative reaction to loud male voices or if it’s a response to childhood shit.

    I’m a woman, which probably matters. As an adult, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship or even a shouty relationship.

    But I grew up with a very angry, shouty dad. He was never physically abusive, but you did walk on eggshells to avoid being shouted at. He would also shout at objects when he was angry and that was also unpleasant. Of course growing up I thought this was normal, and only realised it was somewhat abusive as I got older. Is this informing my response to the shouting men on my street, or is it just normal to have a fear response to shouting men?

    I suspect the answer is complex and I really look forward to some of your answers.

    (Also, it’s not bothering me to the extent that I need to move. It isn’t affecting my life much and the benefit I get from living in this setting far outweighs the downsides. It’s just an interesting response I noticed in myself after not really being around shouting men much since I left my family home many years ago. So no need for concern, lovely commentariat!)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I would say that your experience is probably pretty core to your response. I am ANNOYED by shouting dudes, assuming it’s just volume and not aggression, but I don’t get a fear response to them unless there’s extenuating circumstances, such as aggression or anger along with it AND a situation where it may turn and be focused on me. Angry shouting out on the street wouldn’t even really make me afraid per se, as long as I was inside and somewhat removed from it, though I might keep half an eye out for anything that suggested it might escalate to the point of needing law enforcement.

      1. Shoulders at my Ears*

        Thank you for this perspective! It’s somewhat what I expected and it’s really good to get this feedback. It’s a noisy area and yeah, I’m annoyed by some of the other noise but that extra fear/defensive response doesn’t crop up except with those shouty men.

    2. slmrlln*

      That sounds like some of both – shouting in the street, by any kind of people, even if I knew it was harmless, would bother me, but your family history surely affects your reaction too.

      When I had shouty neighbors 10 years ago, I liked to have music on in the apartment, or the radio. It covered up most of the noise, and that helped me feel more relaxed in my home. These days I live in a quieter area, but I LOVE sleeping with a white noise machine. Highly recommended

      1. Shoulders at my Ears*

        Thanks! I do have a white noise app on my phone, and I make use of that and noise cancelling headphones quite a lot (there is other street noise too, though I’m less bothered because it doesn’t feel violent to me).

    3. Zephy*

      Sounds like a response to childhood shit that a therapist may be able to help you unravel.

      As a fellow victim of a shouty dad that nEvEr HiT uS: that childhood shit is encoded DEEP in our brains and it IS trauma. Even if the yelling was never *at you* (and I bet sometimes it was), this was an entire grown adult human choosing to deal with perceived problems by showing his family just how loud and scary he can be when he’s upset. It is a threat. “Look at me violating the social contract – someone had better come and fix this problem before I violate it some more!”

      Just because lots of shouty men happen to be dads and lots of people have similar responses to loud male voices doesn’t make it OK.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Thank you so much for your response. Yeah, my siblings and I, and to a certain extent our mother, have had many conversations about how dad’s shouting (and yes, it was very often at us too) was really not okay. It really became crystal clear to me a few years ago when my dad was shouting at the dog in hearing of my small nephews (his grandchildren) and they were really scared and started crying, even though the shouting was not directed at them. It made me realise how small and vulnerable we had been when he had shouted at and around us and how absolutely wrong that shouting had been.

      2. Onomatopoetic*

        “someone had better come and fix this problem before I violate it some more!”

        So. Much. This. My people pleasing and impulse to always smooth over and fix things definitely has it’s roots in this kind of behaviour. It has taken a lot of time (and therapy) to realise that. I thought that “it’s just his way to overreact, no biggie.” But the constant vigilance makes for a weird dynamic. And I’m still afraid to assert myself.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t have your background and this would bother me too. I think your experience probably exacerbates your response from light startlement to full fear, but in general, shouting is designed to be received as aggressive or at least to be read as play-aggression. It can be hard to tell the difference when you’re not part of the context. It’s also just basically thoughtless and rude (I teach boys and young men, and while they’re all lovely, and definitely under some social pressure to out shout each other, they don’t get a ‘boys will be boys’ pass from me). This is why pubs and clubs everywhere have those signs upon leaving which state “Please respect our neighbours when leaving the premises”. Because it is alarming to hear raised voices and you’re definitely not the first to think so. I’m surprised you’re okay living somewhere that makes your heart pound, but maybe you can already see some solutions to this nuisance. I’d probably consider sound panels on the most affected wall. Try speaking to your neighbours if that’s doable; it might make you feel less alone if you’re not the only one noticing when voices are raised. Perhaps you can all put some signs up indicating that it isn’t being cheerfully tolerated and perhaps one time in ten, the least drunk person in the group walking home will tell the others to shut up.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Thanks for the suggestions but I really am okay :) I was just curious about my reaction and wanted to discuss it with the folks here because you tend to be level-headed, kind, and smart.

        Not really looking to make physical changes, as it’s a year-long sojourn in another country for me, and it’s a rented flat-above-a-shop situation on a busy high street so the boys shouting are not directly outside my flat, but rather up and down the high street. The local pubs do have the usual signs about respecting neighbours but that only goes so far. I tend to use my white noise machine or various ear plug or headphone combinations and it is working for me. If it was my own flat that I was living in long-term I’d probably replace the windows with something more insulating and that would likely solve a lot of the problem.

        Thanks again for being a kind internet stranger :)

    5. Zona the Great*

      I sometimes will just start crying if I hear a man yell in life or on TV. I lived in fear of my shouting father and then my mom married a worse shouter and then I only dated shouters. It took all of my twenties to get to a moderately safe space. And now I do that eye movement therapy.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        I really feel that, although I am lucky my dad was the only shouter in my life (well, some friends’ dads and an uncle were also shouters, but that wasn’t in my face. Probably part of the reason young me thought it was normal, though. I didn’t even notice that most dads didn’t shout. Maybe I assumed they just did it when their kids’ friends had gone home.) I’m glad you’re in a moderately safe space and hope that eye movement therapy continues to work for you. I’ve heard good things about it and may look into it when I go back to therapy myself. <3

        1. Pascal*

          I also do EMDR (the eye movement therapy you mention, though it can also be done with tapping on shoulders or knees) for trauma, and it has been a godsend. I am clearing up very very old things that have been bothering me, consciously or unconsciously, for years.

    6. AnonymousOctopus*

      I recently saw a quote that resonated with me, another person who grew up with a shouting father: “If you grew up in a house with an angry man, there will always be an angry man in your house.” (I add “until you heal that part of yourself” for a positive reframe.) Maybe you react in ways that your childhood self would as if there is still that angry shouting many in your house, or maybe you become the angry man yourself. I’ve noticed both in myself.

      When I find myself reacting that way to men yelling, I remind myself of where I am and how old I am. I tell myself my own address, what year it is, where I work, my pets names, etc. I find that it helps me put myself back into the here and now, far away from the angry man in my house growing up. I’ve also been doing therapy for several years, EMDR-adjacent, ACT, and CBT (in order of helpfulness for me).

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        I definitely was a bit of an angry man myself for a long time, until I realised I was no better than my dad if I didn’t channel my anger so it didn’t hurt other people. I’m a lot better now; in fact, the realisation was a massive turning point that spurred quick changes. Maybe it’s less scary in a small woman than in a big man, but still not okay.

        Thanks for the advice and for the list of therapies that worked for you. I will likely look into some of them when I go back to therapy (which I will, it’s a goal for 2025!)

        Thank you

    7. Not A Manager*

      It’s pretty reasonable that this would be a response from your childhood. If you don’t want to seek professional help for it, you might try re-framing the noise in your mind. When you hear the shouting, try saying to yourself (out loud, even) “isn’t it nice that those young men are enjoying themselves with their friends?” Try to picture them having a beer together, and then going out in the street, and they are separating and calling to each other as they leave.

      I know that street shouting is objectively annoying, and I’m not trying to gaslight you. But you do seem to realistically interpret this noise as the sound of rambunctious friends, so try to explicitly remind yourself of that. As much as possible, I’d try to narrate *and* visualize shiny, happy people being slightly inebriated.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Thanks for that, I really appreciate the suggestions and concern. I am mostly able to reframe it as you suggest when it happens, and I though I’m not currently in therapy, I have touched on my shouty father with a therapist in the past and plan to tackle the issue more in the future once the current upheaval of my life is settled. It is obviously something I do need to work on. I mostly posted this comment because of this new situation with the shouty men outside bringing up these responses and wanted to check what I suspected, that it was an outsize reaction likely due to my childhood shit. Thanks for being a kind internet stranger :)

      2. Part time lab tech*

        I think I agree with this. Would listening more to the shouting and confirming it to be banter help downgrade the fear? Kind of exposure therapy?

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I would definitely connect it to your childhood programming–that stuff doesn’t disappear even as we grow and “get” things from our childhoods may not be as normal as we thought they were.

    9. Harlowe*

      I had a similar upbringing and also cannot tolerate yelling (but from either gender). My husband adores shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and I have to leave the room when he watches, because the constant screaming gets me so stressed that I start pouring sweat.

    10. Hroethvitnir*

      You’ve got some great answers to your actual question, and I agree that your physiological response sounds outside of most peoples’ but it’s not uncommon for people to have some degree of fear response to yelling.

      Personally, my upbringing was primarily emotionally abusive, and I’ve realised I have a bit of a trigger to the word “screaming” (a weird amount of people write “scream” when they mean “yell”, and as someone who has been *screamed* at extensively they are vastly different), and I have a fight or flight reaction to anger, but not to neutral toned yelling. Just for a data point that hypersensitivity is normal but variable!

    11. Karstmama*

      Agreeing it’s likely a childhood thing – my husband used to sit bolt upright sweating in college, then realized it was because someone who parked in the lot under his window had the same make and model car as his abusive stepdad and he’d wake up ready to fight his way out when he heard the distinctive click from that door closing. Once he figured that out it lost a lot of its power, so I hope you have the same ‘unraveled and now not scary’ experience. :)

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        That’s very interesting. I suppose it’s a bit like a kid being scared of a shadow on the wall – if you turn on the light and show them exactly what’s casting it, they realise it’s just an object not a scary monster.

    12. RagingADHD*

      That sounds really annoying, but I think the anxious / heart racing response is from the childhood stuff. I lived in a shouty neighborhood for a while, and it was just like any other intermittent loud noise — “Ugh, this again?”

    13. ReallyBadPerson*

      I grew up with an abusive bully of a father, and even after years of therapy, a shouting man elicits a strong reaction. In my case, it’s usually rage. This is 100% a childhood thing. I do think you can desensitize yourself once you’ve identified the cause of your reaction.

  34. Lizard*

    Thanks again to everyone who responded a few weeks ago about the mystery smell in my house (AKA Car Talk for Houses)! I may never know the source, but I’ve gotten to a point where it’s not bothering me anymore (for now at least).

    Background: I had a paint-ish smell that was mostly limited to my downstairs bathroom and the outdoor utility shed. The only thing in the shed was the air handler for my HVAC, some pots, and some soil. One HVAC technician said he couldn’t find anything wrong with the HVAC, and that he didn’t have a guess for what the source of the smell was. At another technician’s suggestion, I purchased an air quality monitor that was showing high levels of VOCs in the shed. (I no longer trust this device – I’m not impressed with the standard deviation of the read out.) The biggest problem was that the smell circulated when I turned the heat or A/C on.

    Update: Even though HVAC tech #1 said the smell wasn’t coming from the HVAC, I called another company for a second opinion because I wasn’t sure what else to do. HVAC tech #2 said that I had a leak in my evaporator coil and would need to get the entire system replaced. But he didn’t think that had anything to do with the smell. Given the two opposite opinions regarding the status of my HVAC system, I called HVAC tech #3. Even before he opened any of the machinery he said ‘whether or not you have a leak, that thing is very old and on its last legs’, which I knew. He couldn’t find a leak in the evaporator coil but he thought it might just be because I was out of refrigerant.

    1. Lizard*

      Well that posted earlier than intended.

      HVAC tech #3 did find an additional leak and the overall takeaway was that I needed a new HVAC system. However, he also didn’t think that the HVAC was the source of the smell.

      Someone here had recommended contacting Air Quality Monitoring Experts. I didn’t know those people existed, but I found a local company, and they are great!! Someone came out to do their Level 1 testing for VOCs, moisture, and mold. He got a reading of 0.0 parts per million (ppm) for VOCs inside the house and 0.1 ppm inside the shed. He said that they only start to worry about air quality 0.6 ppm. I trust his $3000 machine more than the $100 one that I bought, so I at least felt confident that the smell wasn’t too hazardous. He was able to point to a few inches of my bathroom floor that have higher moisture content and suggested re-sealing the toilet. Likely because of that, the lab also noted elevated levels of Aspergillus/Penecillium (mold) in the bathroom and recommended a thorough cleaning.

      Maybe the most helpful thing that he mentioned was that if 1) the smell was strongest in the shed and 2) the smell circulated when I turned the heat or A/C on, that indicated that the duct work in the shed wasn’t properly sealed. When sealed properly, the HVAC system doesn’t pull in new air, it just circulates what is already in the house. So it was likely that the smell was getting pulled in from the shed that way. Those ducts got replaced with the rest of the HVAC system last week, and I haven’t noticed the smell circulating while it’s on!

      I can still smell it faintly in the shed, but that bothers me way less than it circulating around the house. And I have some hope (despite the three people that told me otherwise) that the HVAC system was to blame and that the smell will dissipate with time. And like some of you, the air quality expert recommended gas phase/activated charcoal filters if the smell starts being a problem again in the house.

      Thanks once more to everyone who weighed in! In person, pretty much everyone said ‘that’s weird – I don’t know what you should do next’, and I was feeling pretty stuck. Y’all came through with some great suggestions, and I am feeling much better in my home!

      3. Shiny Penny*

        Thank you so much for sharing the rest of the story! I was actually wondering about your situation and hoping for an update.
        Glad to hear the air quality monitoring company was both findable and useful. And even more glad that the problem has been minimized so successfully!
        Let’s have more CarTalk for Houses :)

  35. Knit Mitts*

    Question for knitters – how bad an idea is it for someone’s first attempt at knitting to be a pair of mittens? Assume the person (ie myself) has a beginner to advanced beginner level familiarity with crochet although I struggle somewhat with tension, and I also have the “I’m stubborn enough to figure out what I don’t know” gene. But I’m sure mittens are a decent stretch more complicated than, say, a scarf, so I’m curious to get other opinions.

    (This question brought to you by my losing a glove right as I was considering switching to mittens, and while I’m sure buying a pair will be quickest I’m curious whether having a concrete reason to make mittens would make me actually try knitting again. Also if anyone has tips for tension I’d love to hear them because I feel like I’ve tried everything and can’t find the Goldilocks tension yet.)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      On a scale from 1-10, where 1 is easy and 10 is hard and 4-7 are intermediate, I would put knitting mittens somewhere in the intermediate section, depending on the pattern. (Simple fairly bulky quick-knit mittens, 4. Tiny yarn with color work and extra features like fingers with a fold-back mitten flap, 7+.)

      Mittens will … probably? involve knitting in the round, which is a little fiddly if you haven’t gotten the hang of knitting flat, and they’re small enough that it will be either knitting in the round on double-pointed needles (which I know some advanced knitters that can’t manage this) or using the Magic Loop method (which I’ve been knitting for 25 years and it makes me want to throw my project out the window). Alternately, you could probably find a flat-knit pattern that seams up one side, but that would involve some shaping that might be fiddly.

      That said, at the end of the day, it’s string, and you have opposable thumbs and scissors, so one way or another you will win, and I definitely applaud you for considering a stretch goal. :) But it would definitely be a stretch goal for someone who’s not already at least a beginner knitter.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And what generally works for my tension in both knitting and crocheting is to wrap the working yarn (that is, the bit that runs between the skein and my working zone) around the base of my left pinky finger and I kind of end up using that pinky finger to help control the yarn. But I have been crocheting for 40 years and knitting for 25 and now that I’m actually trying to describe how that works, I cannot explain it, it’s pure muscle memory at this point. :)

        1. Knit Mitts*

          Thank you! All this advice is super helpful and helps me picture a rough baseline of where things would fall on the difficulty scale. (Plus the reminder that at the end of the day, it’s not something I’ll ‘fail’ at or at least, nobody will die if I do.) For the tension, would you say that the way you adjust it is to pinch the pinky finger into/away from the ring finger? I just found a similar method to hold the working yarn but haven’t quite figured out which bit I’m supposed to be moving to change tension

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            yyyyyyes, I think that’s accurate? (Yes, I totally just held my hands up and pretended to knit for a moment to check.)

            You might could also try one of the tension guide rings that seem to have become popular in Facebook reels about knitting and crocheting – I haven’t tried one because my way works for me, but they seem to work for a lot of folks?

            1. Knit Mitts*

              Thank you! I might look into those rings, but I think trying again and consciously thinking about using my pinky rather than just tensing every finger could do it. I also just experimented with a different hook size and that helped a ton so I imagine knitting needles may be similar.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                It also can vary depending on WHERE on my pinky I wrap the working yarn, if that makes sense. I’m not sure I can elaborate on that, unfortunately, but some yarns work better if I wrap it truly toward the base of my pinky while others, the sweet spot is a little farther out between the two finger joints.

              2. Sara K*

                In regards to needle size, definitely, definitely knit a swatch before starting. I almost never use the needle size that the pattern gives and it can make a huge difference to the size of the garment (even mittens which are fairly forgiving)

      2. amoeba*

        I find that quite interesting, as I actually find knitting in the round *much* easier than flat – you usually don’t have to purl, and that makes it much nicer for me!
        I actually started with socks, not really the recommended go-to projects for beginners, I guess, but for me it worked well. I really like the double-pointed needles, haha (although I’ve also tried magic loop and it was also fine!)

    2. Professor Plum*

      What if you make a scarf-hat-mitten set? The scarf would be the easiest to learn on, the hat would be a little more interesting—but no thumbs! Then you’d know if you’re ready to tackle mittens if you’re enjoying knitting. That approach doesn’t help with the immediacy issue, but you might learn a new lifelong skill.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I love this idea. And the hat is such an easier intro to knitting in the round than mittens are. If I’d tried to do something like mittens from the start, I think I would have given up on knitting—it would be too frustrating managing the double points while also trying to do all the other new knitting things.

        Anyway, to the original poster, I think you can start with whatever you like, really, but it might be good to start with something that won’t frustrate you right from the start. I think it makes sense to think about what skills you’re trying to pick up with your first project, and focus on something that will help you learn those, without thinking too much about what end product you’d like. That said, I went to a talk Sam Barsky gave and he talked about how all he wanted to knit was complex sweaters, right from the start, and…he went and did it. So do what makes you happy!

        1. Knit Mitts*

          Thank you! It’s definitely a tricky balance. I have a tendency toward perfectionism, and one of the ways that shows up is that I tend to pick projects that are so far outside my current skill zone there’s no way I can accomplish it (as opposed to just stretching a bit to learn more) which means I don’t feel bad when I fail. So I’m figuring going straight to the mittens might be a bit of that and I should back off to the scarf or hat first to get that sense of accomplishment and learn the skills.

      2. Knit Mitts*

        Hm, this is probably the way! A bit ago I asked a friend who’s been knitting 10+ years what I should start with, and she sent me a basic scarf pattern in a bulky yarn because it’d be easier to see the stitches on. I then promptly bought a pattern and yarn for a hat instead of starting the scarf, because of course I did. But that means I have most of what I need for those, so scarf to hat to mittens may be a good progression. Thank you!

    3. AnonyOne*

      I am very much of the view that if you want to do something, you should just go for it – having a project you are interested in is far more motivating than doing something because you “should”. Mittens are also pretty small so if you get annoyed with it or feel it is not working, you won’t lose that much if you put it aside to do something else first. I would go on Ravelry and pick a pattern lots of people have made before (because that generally means it has been fairly well written, and people will have left notes on their project pages if there are issues with the instructions) – Tin Can Knits are generally reliable, and I know they have something they call “the world’s simplest mittens”, I have not actually made that pattern but would trust them to have written a good pattern.
      You may find you have fewer tension issues knitting in the round than knitting flat – one common cause of tension issues is purl stitches forming differently than knit stitches (purl stitches use a bit more yarn and for some people this can make the tension in your purl rows noticeably looser than the tension in your knit rows – if you are working in the round, generally every row will be knit so you avoid that difference).
      The trickiest bit is likely to be the place where the thumb intersects with the hand – you will likely put some stitches on hold to pick up later for the thumb, and when you do that, it is common to end up with a bit of gap at the corner join. There are various tricks to try to reduce this, but you can also just take some yarn and sew it up afterwards.
      The other thing to watch is that when you knit in the round, you can end up with ladders where you move from knitting on one needle to knitting on another (essentially a little gap at the point between the two needles. There are various means of avoiding this, I find it works out if I just make sure the the first stitch on each needle is tight enough as I go.
      One last thought – I don’t like to recommend a scarf as a first project, they are long so there is a lot of knitting in a scarf and you can definitely get bored. I would generally suggest a hat or maybe a cowl, but if you want to do mittens, I would say you should go ahead.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Seconding Tin Can Knits’ mitten pattern. I went to a mitten knit-in last week for charity, and that’s the pattern they distributed.

        As a beginner, avoid any pattern with different directions for the left and right mitten. I’ve been knitting since I was 12, and I still mess those up occasionally through inattention.

        Remember, you can always pull out the needles, rewind your yarn, and start over. (Unless you’re knitting with mohair. Don’t start with mohair. But if you do, freezing it makes it less difficult to untangle.) Wool or good quality acrylic (not the cheapest; that’s false economy) worsted yarn is amazingly resilient and forgiving. Alpaca is soft and warm, but doesn’t wear as well.

    4. office hobbit*

      I think if you do the mittens in the round, it may be too many skills to learn all at once and your perfectionism will get annoyed. But you can easily knit mittens flat and seam them! That will still introduce you to lots of skills and won’t be as boring as a scarf, but without the added annoyance of one of your double pointed needles sliding out and dropping a third of your stitches because you haven’t gotten the hang of tensioning yet.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Any project is a fine first project if you have a high tolerance for frustration and can always use the yarn for something else.

  36. California Dreamin'*

    Holiday card question for those who send them… when do you drop folks off your list? I’m in my 50s and come from a strong holiday-card-sending background. I have about 60-65 households on my current list down from perhaps 80 in the heyday. Many are either family, people I do see at least occasionally, or friends that live far away that I would see if they were closer. Then there’s this other big group that’s comprised of once-friends from past eras of my life with whom my only communication now is holiday cards. Some of them will also send me a card, but since I often get mine out early-ish, it’s hard to know if they’re just sending one in response to getting mine. Also I know there are many, many people who don’t do cards, so they wouldn’t be sending me one either way. I guess my question is do we think people enjoy getting a card from someone they once knew socially but aren’t in touch with anymore? At this point I still do a card with a picture of my kids (now pretty much adults) and a (very brief, like one sentence each) update on what they’re up to. I love receiving holiday cards and these kinds of updates and following along with what’s become of long-ago friends and their families. But do others enjoy this? At what point do you say geez, I haven’t seen or talked to so-and-so in years, I’m removing them from my list? Does it matter if they were a close friend that you lost touch with over the years or just a social acquaintance that you happened to be in frequent contact with for a period of time?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Well, I think there’s a couple things going on here. If you love to send the cards, and it makes you feel good, and you’re sending them to these somewhat-distant people fondly with a warm heart, go for it! It’s not like it’s some huge imposition for them. My mom is from a huge holiday card culture and I think it’s a bit odd (cards with children of her friends that she’s only met once at their wedding 20 years ago?) but who cares what I think – she can afford it, she seems to enjoy it, etc. If you said it was stressing you out to send so many and you needed to cut back or it was a financial strain I’d say don’t hesitate to trim – or maybe step-down to a holiday email and see if those people you aren’t sure really value the cards send you anything the next year or or quietly relieved to be done?

    2. Retired Mostly*

      We finally decided not to send cards this year. No real reason, just don’t think it means that much any more. We keep in touch with distant friends throughout the year and get together during the holidays with the people we care about.

    3. MeMyselfI*

      I never send out cards – just not something I do – but I love getting photo cards from the few friends who send them. I always text them when I receive the cards and tell them how much I enjoyed seeing them.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, my mom loved sending cards and I grew up doing it. As a young adult I always sent lots of cards, but I’ve been trimming it down uear by year. I just realized that this year we didn’t send any…

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I used to buy a box of cards every year–now it’s been a couple years since I had to, and that’s a sad thought.

    4. Kathenus*

      I am a holiday card/letter person. For the most part, I don’t drop anyone off the list, with a few exceptions – like they moved and I don’t have a new address, or a couple isolated cases of work-related friends that fell out of contact years ago. But for everyone else, I do it for me. I’m terrible at keeping in touch throughout the year, and I truly enjoy doing my cards and letters. I’m told that people enjoy getting them too, so as long as it brings me happiness, it doesn’t matter to me if people respond or keep in touch themselves, I’ll keep doing them.

    5. My Brain is Exploding*

      We enjoy getting cards, but not the ones where the sender just signs their name (at least write a sentence of news, please). We do send to some people who don’t send them to us, such as elderly friends/relatives. We don’t send them to people we see on a regular basis. We started dropping folks off the list who didn’t reciprocate, and then dropped off a few after subjecting their names to this test: if I were in their town for a few days and had some free time, would I call them and try to meet up?

    6. Generic Name*

      I do enjoy receiving them. Even the photo cards that certain rude people like to make snide jokes about. I stopped sending them out years ago, for various life-related reasons. But they make me smile when I get them.

    7. Still*

      I would not send a card to anyone I wouldn’t want to grab a coffee with if we were in the same city. I’m more likely to keep sending cards to people who either reciprocate or get in touch and let me know they appreciate my card.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I send cards, and I add and subtract people every year. I can’t guess who “enjoys” a card and who doesn’t, but I assume that even if they toss it out it’s not a big imposition. I just send the cards to people that I feel like sending them to. If I look at the name and have a “meh” response, I drop them.

      It’s sort of like Marie Kondo. I mostly send the cards to people who spark joy, even if I haven’t seen them in years.

      1. California Dreamin'*

        This is a very helpful framing. There are definitely a couple people on my list that I just have a “meh” feeling about, and next year I will order fewer cards and not send to those folks. And there are others that spark joy even across the years, as you said!

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I enjoy receiving them. Including what I view as the normal newsletter, as you describe: here is a picture of the child, now taller, and a note about what each of us are doing, with a positive tilt because this is not the context to announce terrible news. I send cards.

      A bit of a tenet for me these past few years has been not to keep pouring effort to maintain a relationship into a vacuum. It’s fine to stop sending the cards to those you’d like to stop with.

      There was a Cathy cartoon in which she decided to cut Gladys off her list the same year Gladys cut Cathy off Gladys’s list. Only a true friend would sync with you that way! And so she sent a card to Gladys. Which I mention by way of saying it’s okay to not send a card if someone sends you one–maybe they held that same debate about you these past few years.

    10. Harlowe*

      If I know the recipient is someone who “doesn’t do” cards themselves, I continue sending them. If the recipient does send cards but stops sending them to me, I continue for two years (I have an Excel sheet) to account for possible lost mail, then stop.

      I have sent them to several people I didn’t realize had died and only found out via return to sender, but those were more ceremonial obligations (the pastor who married us that MIL demanded we stay in touch with, etc.) than anything else.

      I found out my college roommate got divorced because her card was returned and she stopped sending them, so I dug around online out of worry. I left her alone once I found the info; I assume either life was too hectic for cards or she didn’t feel we were still close enough to share that info.

    11. Hyaline*

      I realize this isn’t the most insightful addition, but I’ve found that the natural attrition of people moving and not being close enough to tell me/send a new address/send me a card of their own tends to cull the list. I kind of consider the Christmas card list a natural habitat in which people I’m no longer close to naturally weed themselves out over time due to moves; only rarely have I thought “huh, I haven’t actually talked to this person in so long it makes no sense to keep them on here.” It’s not like it’s a huge imposition to receive a card; if you like sending them, you’re not hurting anyone with it!

    12. Girasol*

      I think of cards as a way to say, “I’m thinking of you,” and send them whether I get them or not. When a friendship or acquaintance has gotten so stale that I don’t think it’s meaningful anymore – like, do they even remember me? do I really want them to? – then I stop. My only concern is whether I’m sending to people who then feel obligated to send one in return though they wish they didn’t have to.

  37. Bibliovore*

    According to my grief counselor, I need to make a plan. My 65th birthday is coming up in February and of course the last 4 have been pretty miserable. I would like to take a trip late February. I will be traveling alone.
    I am waiting for my passport renewal but no clue when that will arrive. So will need to be in the U.S.
    Recommendations for places to go at least 5 days. Think renewal. Spiritual but not religious would be fine.
    Things I love-
    Somewhere warm- right now it is 5 degrees where I live.
    A place to swim and/or hot springs?
    A place of learning- Bookstores, libraries, museums, animals etc.
    I love to eat.
    No cruises- I get seasick.
    Could be a city. (am actually thinking of Chicago at a fancy hotel with spa and pool- any recommendations?)
    I have money saved up so it could be spendy.
    Not athletic- mobility issues- chronic pain.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Chicago is not going to be warm in February for sure. :) Really most of the US won’t be reliably warm at that point, depending on your definition – You might get temperatures in the 60s in Southern California or Florida. Hawaii would be in the 70s with pretty mild weather.

    4. Bluebell Brenham*

      How about Puerto Rico or USVI? I went alone to PR and enjoyed it about 7 years ago- nice beaches, good architecture, and I did a help feed the manatees experience. There’s a very nice cemetery not far from the ocean in the Condado area. I’ve heard people rave about St John’s but I’ve only been to St Thomas. It was v pretty though. I hope you find the right destination for you!

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          I stayed at an Airbnb in the Condado area. I prefer Airbnb to hotels. Condado had shops nearby and you could also walk to beaches. I used Uber to get around and it was easy.

      3. Anono-me*

        I had an absolutely incredible trip to Puerto Rico about 30 years ago.
        Old San Juan was fabulous we stayed in a former rum baron’s mansionthat had been converted into a B&B (now closed :( ). Then we rented a car and drove all over the island and stayed in paradores (combination government and family hotel.) I went snorkeling in coral reefs, toured the mangroves, swam in a luminous bay, ate fabulous food, hiked in the El Yunque, toured old forts, ate fabulous food, visited incredible museums, saw fabulous art, and enjoyed fabulous beaches.

        I would love to go again and the only thing that I would willingly change is driving in the San Juan metro area. I would also spend more time in Ponce.

        This may have changed from when I went 30 years ago:
        -Outside of the Old San Juan tourist areas most everyone spoke Spanish only.
        -Wherever I ordered a rum and coke, I got rum with a teeny tiny very small spash of coke.
        -Everyone was exceptionally kind and welcoming.
        -The art museum in Ponce was incredible (But they do loan out centerpiece Flaming June sometimes, so check if that is a draw.)
        -There is a tourist area in San Juan (maybe by Rosey Road) that is more spring break vacation. We wound up there by accident and I was too much of a fuddy duddy even then to enjoy it.
        -There are trails in the el Yunque for all hiking levels. Some of the easiest were simalar to walking in the mall.

    5. Sloanicota*

      I’m hearing maybe Santa Fe or Albuquerque? The desert area is very spiritual to me and there’s lots nice spas.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        The 10,000 waves spa is absolutely amazing in SF. Plus there are wonderful museums and a lot of galleries. Excellent food as well.

        2. allx*

          This is exactly what I was coming here to say. Santa Fe and the Waves. And the weather is generally sunny and mild during the day, and the stars at night are astonishing (if you are from a city of any size).

        1. saddesklunch*

          I will say that while both Santa Fe and Albuquerque are cold in Feb (with Santa Fe being colder/snowier since it’s higher up) I find that a high in the 40s or 50s when it’s a dry cold and sunny much of the time feels much more pleasant than the same temperature in a humid place that’s cloudy. I grew up in ABQ, just moved back, and lived in Texas for many years and often marvel that 40 degrees here feels so much nicer than 40 degrees there.

    6. Generic Name*

      I went to a resort on the west coast of Mexico in February, and it was amazing. We just hung around the resort and relaxed. Saw some whales in the distance.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Palm Springs is a place my spouse wants to take me to (he went there on business, and thought I would like the art and nature) and it should be mild in February. San Francisco is also quite mild and I enjoy both the city and the nearby nature–should be possible to find a spa hotel in either.

      Not quite there on the warmth–it’s at high elevation–but Sante Fe or Taos leapt to mind. The high desert is very beautiful, and there’s a lot of art. Downtown Santa Fe is quite walkable. There are nearby hot springs.

    8. Just here for the scripts*

      Hawaii—warm, US, and in February whale watching is still a thing. Maui has the best weather /whales that time of year, but you’ll need to rent a car; Oahu/Wikki is walkable and mass-transit easy—and there are zip cars for on-the-spur just this day/time rentals. You can also do whale watching boat tours from both islands—along with so many other things! It’s my number-one place of choice!

      And very single-traveler friendly, especially if you sign-up for everyone-comes excursions like the whale watching, coffee farm tours, cultural-based luaus , etc. Also great museums in Oahu—spent a whole rainy January day at Bishop’s Museum.

      1. Alex*

        Seconding Hawaii! I did a solo trip alone a couple of years ago. Tons of tours and such that will bring you to different kinds of activities without needing a lot of self-direction and walking. There’s museums, memorials, cultural experiences of different kinds. Beautiful weather. Fresh seafood.

        I went to Oahu, Big Island, and Kauai and they were all wonderful. I stayed at a hotel in Oahu and Kauai and an air BNB on Big Island (two different ones actually, in different places). Every place I went had its own charm and activities and I honestly couldn’t pick my favorite! It’s really the trip of a lifetime and there’s so much to do I didn’t feel the need to have a companion with me.

      2. Decidedly Me*

        Thirding Hawaii. I’ve been to Big Island, Oahu, Maui, and Kauai. Maui has been my favorite to visit, but all have unique things to offer. On any of them, there is a lot to do in nature, plenty of swimming opportunities, great food, etc.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Hawaii was lovely. Just bring a good, strong sunblock. The sun is very powerful there!

      4. ThatGirl*

        Hawaii is lovely but a very long and often expensive flight from the mainland. And everything is expensive. Just worth weighing.

    9. ThatGirl*

      If you wanted to try Chicago anyway, the Palmer House hotel is lovely and historic and has a spa. The Four Seasons is very fancy and has a gorgeous pool and spa.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, yes, Palmer House is gorgeous — definitely makes you feel like you’ve given yourself a big treat!

    10. Undine Spragg*

      Sedona? There’s a lot of natural beauty, some of which might be hard for you to access, but there’s also got to be tons of spas and healing vibes. Right now it’s 50, don’t know what it’s like in Feb. New Orleans after Mardi Gras? Again, probably coolish but not freezing.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      It won’t be warm in February but I love the Oregon coast. Nice views, hiking or beach walking, there are some hot springs in that area but I don’t think any are close to the coast itself. You could do Portland (Powell’s City of Books! plus they have a zoo and some good museums) and also a coastal town in the same trip pretty easily.

    12. Chaordic One*

      This might not be your thing, but I love to go to L.A. for a couple of days and mostly just hang out, go to restaurants and museums, and maybe do some shopping. Of course, it could be rainy there in February, but the weather is usually pretty nice. I like to hang out in Old Town Pasadena and visit the Huntington Library and the Norton Simon Museum. I also like to spend time in Santa Monica.

      1. Rocky*

        I don’t like the Los Angeles area in general, but I adore Pasadena. Lots of old-time type shops and the Norton Simon Museum is absolutely top-notch. In LA, the Los Angeles County Museum of Art often has wonderful exhibits. (Of course there’s also the Getty, but I like Norton Simon better.) And of course there’s Disneyland, if you are into that. I have been there alone and it was fabulous!
        Have a wonderful trip, wherever you go!

    13. Not A Manager*

      LA or San Diego will have the most reliable weather in the continental US at that time of year. Both of them have enough museums and fine dining for a 5 day trip. I went to Canyon Ranch spa in Tucson once. You don’t have to be athletic – they have lovely spa treatments and beautiful grounds. Tucson itself has a few good museums and some fine dining if you don’t want to spend the whole time at a spa.

    14. Dinoweeds*

      Go to Santa Fe! It has amazing art and museums as well as great food. I’d also spend a night or two at the Ojo Caliente Resort. It has many different types of hot springs and spa areas and is the peak of relaxation! I stayed in a really amazing bungalow there that allowed all access to the whole resort day and night. Seems right up your alley :)

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          It could be quite chilly in Feb but it’s cozy inside. I went in early April and it snowed one morning.

      2. allx*

        Ojo is nice in an offbeat sort of way. It is more relaxed and less “chichi” than 10,000 waves (but I haven’t been in a number of years-this might have changed). It is very much out of the way–sort of between Santa Fe and Taos, but not near either one and essentially on a backroad. I would call it remote. I would also venture to say that 5 days at Ojo would be too much.

    15. ronda*

      I took a roads scholar tour in Spain early this year. They include some lectures as well as many sites to see. Both my sister and I really liked it.
      They also do tours in the US. based on your list, I was thinking the key west, Scottsdale AZ or California ones might interest you. There was also a yoga retreat one (in North Carolina)

    16. WFH4VR*

      Oaxaca, Mexico. It is amazing. Fabulous museums, excursions to ancient ruins within 40 minutes of the city, and the best food I’ve ever had. You can eat from any street vendor; they are extremely strict with clean water and hygiene standards. It will not be hot, but it will be clear and sunny. The people are very friendly but you should have a translator app – not everyone speaks English. If you have mobility issues, be aware that the streets are mostly cobblestone and one of the main attractions is just walking around enjoying everything.

    17. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Maybe Arizona? Sedona for the spiritual side, but it’s chilly. For warmth, there are some great resorts in Tucson (plus the incredible Desert Museum) and Phoenix (do the Heard Museum and maybe Taliesen West if you like architecture). I love Tucson, personally. Good vibe, gorgeous mountains, unique flora and fauna, solid food scene. Just need to avoid the Gem Show crowds in Feb.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Do you have recommended restaurants in Phoenix. I am interested in architecture. I will also look at Tucson.

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          My sister loves FnB in Scottsdale. I can recommend Pizzeria Bianco for fantastic pizza. And Taliesin West is incredible for architecture.

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          If staying in the US is something you’re interested in, Tucson is a nicer city that Phoenix. It’s less than half the size, easier to get around in, and has a lot of easily accessible historic sites along with the museums, libraries, animals, and bookstores that you’re looking for.

      2. Hibiscus*

        I live in Phoenix—the art museum is very good too. The Hyatt Montelucia is very nice and has a hammana style spa. As for food, it’s really a question of what you like.

    18. Hyaline*

      I love Chicago, and it’s fun to visit at times when it’s not super crowded, but February will be the opposite of warm :D But there are plenty of indoor activities–museums, the Lyric opera/ballet, theater–and great food. So if “warm” is nice but not necessary, then yes, Chicago is great! I recommend the Palmer House for an upscale hotel with pool/spa.

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      If you can wait until the summer for your trip, please consider northern MA and southern NH. There are great hotels in Boston, Portsmouth etc and so many beaches, restaurants, museums, historical societies, you can’t even count them!
      I’m so glad you’re doing this for yourself

      1. Bibliovore*

        I can wait- I am just trying to imagine doing this at this point and doing the research and then if something “speaks” to me do that- I have so much vacation time that I never take and can work remotely.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Cool! There are things like whale watches, Boston Harbor islands tours (SO much history), the Isabella Stuart Gardner Museum, plus the MFA and Peabody Museums and about a million others. Plus the Boston Athenaeum and Boston Public Library, which you may really like. Also check out the Trustees of Reservations. They have a lot of great outdoor activities/properties, but also great historic house/mansion tours. Historic New England also has a lot of very neat historic properties that you can tour. And every town here has at least one little museum, which are little quirky microcosms of local history.
          Hope you find some good trips!

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            Oh yes, places to stay. The Beauport in Gloucester. And I would say the online reviews for hotels in Boston and Portsmouth are pretty accurate. There are so many options from renovated historic properties to new luxury spots to typical Days Inns.

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        For a retreat experience, W MA has a very cool inn near Mass MOCA called The Porches. It would be more of a long weekend, but could be combined w other things.

  38. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    I got myself a robot vacuum (Wirecutter’s budget pick), and I love it except that it keeps getting stuck on one particular doorjamb and needs to be freed by a person. There’s no door hung there, so I can’t close it to signal DO NOT PASS. Is there a way to teach the navigation system to stop trying to climb over that threshold?

    1. Rosyglasses*

      I wonder if you could have a stack of books or canned foods/boxes that you could line up along that threshold to teach it?

      1. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

        LOLOLOL the thing that I need the robot vac to clean up is the kitty litter my cat tracks around I can put the kitty litter boxes in the doorway this is the funniest possible way to solve this problem, oh my god.

        1. Rosyglasses*

          HAHA – that is hilarious and they will absolutely NOT move when the litter robot bumps them LOL

    2. Slightly Less Evil Bunny*

      Maybe check your model’s manufacturer for any “barrier” accessories. I have a slightly older model Roomba, and was able to buy a couple of devices that broadcast a “do not enter” signal to the vacuum. I put one by the cat’s water fountain and a second by the IKEA chair that it kept getting stuck on, and they seem to work well.

    3. ampersand*

      I have the same vacuum, and we have to block it with stuff so it doesn’t get stuck! It gets stuck under the shoe rack near our front door, so we block the shoe rack with shoes. It gets stuck under the Christmas tree, so now we block the tree with the dog bed. This vacuum is overall good—it picks up dirt and dog hair—but its shenanigans make me wonder how it’s not a smarter robot. :)

  39. Roy Kent says WHISTLE*

    Palm Springs, California? Right now high temperatures are in the low 70s. The Agua Caliente Band of Cahuilla Indians have an amazing cultural center and day spa on the same plaza. I got the best spa manicure there. A whole month later, my nail polish is still perfect. Every meal I had was delicious. There were other art museums I did not get to but heard good things about.

      1. Roy Kent says WHISTLE*

        Unfortunately no. The place I ended up at, because I was slow signing up for a huge conference, the Riviera Resort & Spa, was only ok, and really quirky with how they restocked the room. I remember thinking that someone with mobility issues would not like it at all because of how spread out it is and the staircases and the funky little elevators in the main building.

  40. Busy Middle Manager*

    My niece got into a prestigious school just out of the ivy league. Good news? Not so fast, in my opinion.

    Said school is less than an hour from my house, three hours from where they’re from. Everyone is assuming I am housing her. I don’t like that people assume. More important though, it’s a bit more sacrifice than people think. My house has a very open layout so there is not as much privacy as a Mcmansion type house would have, and I have a very part time roommate who lives in two places for work. So there will be awkward overlap. I’m also newly single so feel like this may put a damper on dating/socializing.

    More importantly to me, she wants to get an arts degree. My family does not have that much money, and the idea of one of us getting an arts degree with low earnings potential is bonkers.

    Even more bonkers to me, everyone is treating this as an emotional decision. I get the ego boost of getting into a prestigious school. But what about career prospects? Earning potential? Alternative career paths?

    Every time I try to bring this up, I get another adult cutting in with emotion-based quips. My mother event screeched “she is so happy about this.” Cool, and I am saying she will be miserable when the 100K in debt starts coming due and she is making 45K a year.
    Any advice on any of this? It’s been a bitter pill in many ways because, you hear all of these discussions about how “kids should be taught finance” or “they should make kids truly understand how loans work” and “they shouldn’t give loans to useless degrees.” Then you realize they only want this for OTHER kids, not theirs. We literally have two starving artists in the family and one can paint portraits and paintings like the last supper, but she hasn’t been able to commercialize it, so works low wage jobs.

    1. MeMyselfI*

      Unless someone is asking for your opinion on your niece’s career/college path, keep your mouth shut. It’s not your business.

      You also don’t have to house her. Who is suggesting this? Has anyone asked you to house her? If someone says something to you about housing her, just say no one has talked to you about it and you don’t know anything about it. Even if you were close to your niece and her family, expecting you to house her through college is a huge expectation and ask.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yes to all of this. Has anyone actually asked you about housing her? It sounds like you’re assuming as much you think they are.

        As to the school, SO not your business. My goodness. Presumably they’ve taken costs into consideration, and even if they haven’t, this is not your problem. Your niece will make the decision that makes sense for her at this time. You have absolutely no idea how things will turn out, and I find it really uncharitable that you automatically think this is a terrible decision without considering your niece’s opinion and feelings. One thing about prestigious schools is that they have prestigious networks and internship programs, so keep that in mind.

        For what it’s worth, I have an arts-based degree from a prestigious non-Ivy. I understand that I got my degree a long time ago, but I did just fine. It took a long time to establish myself in a solid career but I did it, and my degree never held me back. The university I attended opened a few doors (I had to get through those doors, but the name recognition certainly helped). I will also remind you that just because someone majors in something, it doesn’t mean that’s their entire career. If it did, we’d have a country filled with art historians and English teachers.

        1. Busy Middle Manager*

          yes they asked me but I didn’t give an answer yet, just gave all of the limitations of my spare room (small, street noise, which is why it’s empty to begin with), thinking it will deter her from wanting it. Not sure it’s worked yet!

          1. nnn*

            That stuff doesn’t deter most 18 year olds. You’re making the situation worse and not doing her any favors by not giving a clear no when you know you won’t say yes in the end. Blame it on the roommate and say it’s not possible for that reason, can’t do it, end of story, so she can move on to real plans.

          2. Cordelia*

            It sounds like people are assuming you will house her because you haven’t said you won’t. Just tell her you are not able to do so and then she can get on with making alternative arrangements – she can find someone to live with who can mind their own business and let her make her own life choices.

          3. Ochre*

            You need to tell them no. If you give them the reasons, they will try to problem-solve.

            I went to a fancy tiny non-Ivy and first year students were required to live on campus anyway. Almost the whole point of a school like this, especially in a creative field, is the campus environment.

            But her college and career choices aren’t your business. The fear in your response is palpable but please don’t inflict that on her. Any of the decent not-quite-Ivys have grant programs that help with tuition, so it may not even be the catastrophe you’re forseeing.

          4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Gosh, no, just use your words. “Sorry, I’m not able to help out with that, but I’m happy to take her out to dinner and show her around once she gets here.”

            1. Rara Avis*

              Also, almost an hour is way too far from her to be from her campus. She needs to live closer. A long commute to college will limit her ability to make the most of the experience.

              1. The OG Sleepless*

                For real! My daughter goes to college an hour from me and we didn’t even consider having her live at home. She’d miss so much of the college experience in exchange for commuting in traffic.

              2. Clisby*

                Seriously. I’d be surprised if the niece really wants that. It might be different if they lived in the same city, but I wouldn’t expect too many 18-year-olds to be happy at the idea of living with an aunt.

          5. AvonLady Barksdale*

            You… didn’t say no. Try saying no. At this stage you’ve basically said yes, and you can’t blame them if they take you up on it.

          6. Roland*

            Listing deterrents actually implies that you are ok with it. They’re not assuming, they’re listening to what you said. It’s unkind to lead her on when you’ll say no when she asks again saying she’s fine with all of that. You can and should say no! But you need to actually say no.

          7. Viette*

            You can’t make her not want it. You have to tell her she can’t have it. YOU don’t want it to happen; she does. Quit making it her decision to decide to do the thing that you want. If you can’t tell your niece that she can’t have something she wants then you are going to end up housing her for four years.

            Step up and say no, that doesn’t work for me, it’s not possible, I can’t do that. It sounds like you might get pushback, but you’re the only person on hand to defend your own wants.

            1. Ali + Nino*

              “You can’t make her not want it. You have to tell her she can’t have it.”

              Brilliantly put. This is the answer (to this and so many other questions.)

          8. Not joking*

            Try saying: “if the college provides or suggests housing, that is best. I think you want to live near campus close to other students. I have a roommate with a long-term lease and it won’t work out at my place.”

            I think your actual obligation here will be to try and connect for a dinner once a semester as a check-in and probably attend graduation. I don’t think it will actually be that bad

          9. goddessoftransitory*

            Yep, don’t bother with the “whys.” That just seems like the opening of a bargaining session. Just “that isn’t going to work for me,” period. And sooner rather than later so she can make other arrangements.

          10. what*

            What?! Why on earth haven’t you explain you can’t or won’t be doing this? You are being really unfair to her and her parents by allowing them to believe it is a possibility. And you are complaining about it here when you haven’t taken the obvious step of letting them know you can’t do it. Are you normally this passive about important things in life or is there something else holding you back from letting her and her parents know it’s not an option?

          11. Rainy*

            Just say no. Please. For everyone’s benefit.

            And please don’t be a wet blanket about her chosen degree. My degrees are all in dead languages and I am gainfully employed, thank you very much. There are so many jobs these days that just require a bachelor’s degree and don’t care what it’s in.

            1. UKDancer*

              Yes, just say no to hosting and don’t give too many reasons.

              You can think what you like privately about her choice of degree topic, that’s her business unless she asks your views. If she does then I’d be fairly tactful.

              But otherwise I’d say no to the hosting. If you can it would be nice to show up at intervals and take her for lunch / buy her some groceries etc but it’s not mandatory. I know I was grateful when I was at university that my aunt (who lived about 45 minutes away) came over twice per term and took me for lunch and bought me a large box of fruit to ensure I was eating some. It made me feel supported and encouraged. At the end of each year she took me to a show at her local theatre and I stayed over with her for a night which was a lovely celebration before I went home.

          12. Observer*

            yes they asked me but I didn’t give an answer yet,

            If you don’t want her, then don’t play games. Just say no. Nicely, politely, but clearly.

            And then that should be the end of it.

          13. Elizabeth West*

            You need to be clear about it and say with no equivocating that it will not be possible for her to live with you. Just channel HAL 9000 — “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”

            If there’s pushback, you might point out that not living with family is 1) part of the college experience, and 2) good for her to learn about being on her own (even with roommates).

      2. Busy Middle Manager*

        Whose business is it though. Has anyone been in this space where you’ve heard people saying “kids shouldn’t be able to take out six figures in debt for a dance degree” type comments for years, then all of a sudden they’re “meh what’s the problem?” The problem is that 17 year olds don’t know how much things cost and what jobs pay and what taxes are, so they overestimate their ability to pay it back. Apparently that’s now a taboo topic? I don’t get it.

        1. nnn*

          It’s not that it’s a taboo topic, it’s that you don’t have standing to tell this specific 17 year old what to do. It’s one thing to talk about that as a general trend, it’s different to think that gives you standing to interfere with a specific person’s decision making. You’re not her parent. If it doesn’t work out the way she wants, oh well, she’ll hardly be the first person that’s happened to and 99% of them go on to have perfectly fine lives anyway. You’re making this more dramatic than it needs to be.

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          It’s the business of the student and her parents. Period. They have apparently indicated that your opinion is not welcome on this issue. Try honoring that and maybe give your niece a little credit.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Or if you’re being asked to help finance her. But no money in the pot, no seat at the table.

            (And BTW I would consider being asked to house her for four years a big financial contribution!)

            1. Observer*

              Agreed that it’s a big ask. But that only gives them the standing to say no and not provide that donation.

              1. goddessoftransitory*

                Oh, I agree. She should absolutely say no; I find the idea of her providing four years of shelter an outrageous ask. But if she did, I would consider it part of the financial contribution towards the niece.

                That said, I still think LW should stay entirely out of this decision, and not boarding her niece will make that 1000x easier.

        4. sarah*

          “Whose business is it though?”

          Not yours. That’s what everyone here is trying to tell you. Why do think you get a vote in this? You can and should veto her living in your house (and it’s really bad that you haven’t done that yet) but the rest is not your business. It’s hers and her parent’s and anyone else who she specifically asks for advice.

        5. Observer*

          Whose business is it though

          That’s also not your business. Unless you are her guardian, or in loco parentis somehow, it is NOT *your* business.

          If she has reasonable parents, they should behaving that discussion with her. If she doesn’t have reasonable parents, that’s sad, but you are still in no position to push the subject. But also, in that case she probably actually has a far sounder understanding of finances that you think.

          Apparently that’s now a taboo topic?

          That’s not what anyone said. What they *are* saying is that it is not *your* place to have that discussion much less pushing on it.

        6. Irish Teacher.*

          Those people are generally pushing an agenda. They are trying to justify the cost of college by pretending that the problem is people making bad choices about degrees. It’s a propaganda thing to deflect from the question of whether expecting people to take out loans for college is discouraging those from poorer backgrounds from applying and therefore lowering the quality of graduates by leaving more places available for less able people from wealthy backgrounds.

          It’s not that the argument is now taboo. It’s that the main point of that argument is to blame teenagers for systemic problems and the people who make those arguments aren’t usually thinking in terms of individuals. When it’s somebody they care about, they don’t think of it as being about “poor decisions.”

          That argument about “not giving loans for dance degrees” is a really bad argument and is just meant to deflect from the real issues.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      For moving in with you, you say “Sorry, that doesn’t work for me right now.”

      For everything else, that is other people’s problem to solve for themselves. There is no magic phrase that will cause them to recognize the extreme rightness of all your opinions.

      1. Bibliovore*

        yes. The number one issue is that your niece is NOT moving in with you. The information that you have given so far is much too subtle. Wish I could but because of my present circumstances cannot.
        End of discussion- all of the rest falls under “none-of-my business”
        And you can invite her to your spare room for respite from dorm life or an overnight with real food and family love.

    3. Golden*

      Tell them clearly and directly that you aren’t up for housing her, and keep your mouth shut about the rest. Just because money is the be all and end all to you doesn’t mean anyone else has to make life decisions with that as their priority. Let people live their lives.

      You don’t have to house her. She doesn’t have to give up her dreams because you disapprove. Everyone gets to make their own choices.

    4. HannahS*

      It sounds like you have two different problems:
      1) Everyone expects you to house your niece: If you don’t want to house your niece, just say so. You don’t really have room and you already have a roommate.

      2) You think your niece getting an arts degree from a fancy college is a mistake and she’ll wind up in poverty. I get that you care about her and you’re worried, but the ship has sailed. If you are an auntie who plays a large mentorship role in her life, you should have been talking about this kind of thing with your niece years ago. Or you could have a heart-to-heart with her now. You might find out that she does have a plan that isn’t “be a portrait painter, make millions.” But I don’t see any point in trying to convince your mom that your niece is making a mistake. It’s not your mom’s decision. It’s your niece’s decision.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Please don’t have a heart to heart with her now. You can probably assume she knows an art degree is less immediately lucrative than a degree in computer engineering, but this is the decision she’s making. Everyone told me instead of studying what I was interested in and good at, I should learn to code. Thank goodness I didn’t listen to them, most of that stuff got outsourced anyway (and I would have been both miserable and unsuccessful). If she asks you, you can suggest a backup plan.

        1. Zona the Great*

          I still resent family who crushed my first real dream of becoming a chef. It was for the reasons the OP is stating.

    5. A313*

      I think your only concern here is the assumption your niece will live with you. You can say no, and I wouldn’t give reasons other than it just won’t work for you. Repeat as necessary. Reasons are for reasonable people.

      I understand your concerns regarding her potential degree, but that’s on her, and to a lesser extent, her parents. Certainly, they all have the ability to foresee how this likely will turn out financially. And she could change degrees a couple of times before she graduates, who knows, or she might not even graduate, for whatever reason. A lot can happen between now and then, and you’ve said probably more than your piece. This isn’t on you!

    6. TooFar*

      IMO an hour away is too far for college and I would use that as an excuse if you think they’ll be unreasonable (which it sounds like you do).

      The major is none of your business, and plenty of people who get arts degrees go one to get nice jobs in other areas, so it’s not necessarily inhibiting (but likely not actively helpful, although you never know).

      1. Observer*

        IMO an hour away is too far for college and I would use that as an excuse if you think they’ll be unreasonable (which it sounds like you do).

        Actually, if they *really* think their niece and sibling will be unreasonable, skip *any* explanation. Just “I can’t do it.”

        But if that’s a concern, that’s all the more reason to stay out of the major. Because they will be convinced that all @Busy is “really” worried about is housing Niece.

      2. Irish Teacher.*

        Yup, my college was an hour from home and I didn’t commute. I stayed near the college during the week and came home for weekends.

        And Ireland’s system of financing college is very different but I got a “non-adjacent grant” which meant I got a higher grant because it was assumed I would have to pay rent. I think the “adjacent grant” is if you are less than about half an hour’s journey because they assume any further than that and you may not be able to commute.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      In my experience very few degrees are actually about earnings potential. Some areas, sure, where you need the specific degree to even get into the industry. But there are millions of people with liberal arts degrees that have nothing to do with their eventual work, and they’re not all making 45k a year. The degree could be considered “useless” in the sense that you don’t necessarily use anything you learned for the degree after getting it. But it’s not useless because PLENTY of jobs and industries just want you to have A degree, and what it’s in is irrelevant. So, to me, you’re sort of catastrophizing the school/degree itself in a way that does not align with reality.
      It is presumptuous and rude if people are assuming she’ll live with you just because you’re less than an hour away. If you didn’t invite her to live with you, nobody should think that’s on the table.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Not every poor kid has to turn their back on their educational goals and focus only on the money. I didn’t, and it wasn’t because of my emotions or ego; the experience and enrichment was a dearly held wish that I turned into a couple of much loved (and poorly paid) careers. So, I got what I wanted; I just had to be okay with the consequences. She’s a grown up now, so she gets to put her eggs in whatever basket she chooses. I don’t understand the problem you’re anticipating with not housing her; you clearly don’t have room, you’ve never offered to house her, aunts housing their niece’s is not a typical university experience…. So why would anyone expect you to?

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      So a young person worked really hard to pursue their dream and you’re shitting on it? You’re not the one paying for her education, so you really have no business commenting on it. Just congratulate her for her success and drop it.

      If someone assumes she’ll be living with you, say she’s not. If someone asks, say no. I really can’t imagine that she would WANT to live with someone who shows such open contempt for her accomplishments and interests.

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        This is a bit over the top for the sort of question I am asking! I did actually save $14K in a 529, truly didn’t think it was relevant, but since you brought it up.

        Can I ask, what sort of advice DO you think it relevant? I’m surprised at the “none of your business” consensus. I certainly can’t be the only person who saw someone struggle after picking the wrong degree and finding it impossible to get a job

        You bring up dreams. Do you think paying six figures to go to school supposed to be about dreams? I thought that’s exactly the type of thinking guidance counselors etc. are supposed to tamper, and try to get kids to focus on marketable degrees that lead to careers.

        1. Feinting Goat*

          You really do have a bug in your ear about this money stuff, don’t you? Maybe you should speak to someone about this, as it doesn’t seem at all healthy to be this obsessed with other people’s financial situations and this worried about someone choosing to get a degree at a good college. You seem extremely anxious and stressed about something that just… isn’t actually any of your concern.

          Is this really just about your niece, or is there another layer to your fear and worry that’s rooted in something fundamental to your identity? It seems like this is just an awful lot of feelings to have about something that’s not your problem.

        2. Rocky*

          You are right to worry that she may not be able to pay her debts. But worrying about it is all you can do about it at this point. You have made your opinion clear to her family and they are choosing to go ahead anyway. So please, for your own sake at least, give up trying to change her mind. I know it’s frustrating. But hammering home the point will likely not work. I know it’s easy to say “stop” doing X. I’m one of those people who keeps trying to change people’s minds and it’s not easy to stop doing that. But at this point you’ve done what you can.

          All you have control over now is not letting her move in. Say “no,” and let that be the end of it, if you can.

        3. RagingADHD*

          The kind of advice that is relevant to other adults (which your niece is) is the advice they ask for.

          Did she ask your advice?

        4. AvonLady Barksdale*

          What does your niece want? Does she want to be a dancer? Is she good enough to get into the program? Does she want to teach dance? Does she want to work for a dance company? Does she want to choreograph? Majoring in Dance can certainly lead to a career, mostly because a college degree can lead to a career. She will develop skills in many areas– she won’t be dancing all day every day. If she’s really good, and the program she got into is competitive, failing to acknowledge her accomplishments and stomping on her dreams will put a major rift between you.

          It’s really shortsighted to assume she won’t get any job because of her major. For all you know she might decide to go to law school halfway through her sophomore year. College is not always a straight line. Would it make you happier if she wanted to be pre-med? Well, what would you think if she failed her required pre-med courses, which happened to about 1/3 of the pre-med hopefuls in my freshman class.

          I have so many examples I could show you to try to help you lay off your niece. Like my friend who was a brilliant neuroscience major and went to conservatory after undergrad to become an opera singer. Or the several people I know who went to an Ivy League and joined a major US ballet company right after graduation (I knew one of them, she introduced me to the others– and she is now a very accomplished choreographer, which she started pursuing after working in an admin position for another major dance company). Or the good friend I had who was at the ABT right after college before pursuing a PhD in biochemistry. Or the family friend who acted her whole life, was moderately successful through her 20s and then decided to get an MSW. And I have more stories of people whose parents forced them to major in something “practical” like accounting or computer science and they burned out badly because while they had the skills, they hated the work.

        5. sarah*

          Do you have the sort of close relationship where she looks to you for advice? Has she asked you for advice on this? If the answer to both of those is no, this is plain and simply not your place.

        6. Dark Macadamia*

          I mean, your original post and the follow-up comments are really intense, so you shouldn’t be surprised if people are reacting to that in their replies.

          The type of advice that’s relevant is advice she ASKED YOU FOR. For example, you asked for advice on the assumptions about her living with you and people are saying to actually say no instead of stewing about it. You asked what to do about your disapproval and people are saying keep it to yourself. What did your niece ask you?

          Plenty of people end up in careers that have nothing to do with their college major and it’s totally fine. Not every job requires a degree and not every learning opportunity has to contribute to your earning potential.

        7. Observer*

          I thought that’s exactly the type of thinking guidance counselors etc. are supposed to tamper, and try to get kids to focus on marketable degrees that lead to careers.

          Are you her guidance counselor? If not, this is truly a MYOB situation.

          Also, you clearly have no idea of what she is actually planning and how reasonable and realistic she is being (or not). But, no, it’s actually not the case that guidance counselors should always focus on pushing kids into degrees with an immediate and measurable line to specific and presumably high paying careers.

        8. Workerbee*

          I was an English major and have enjoyed a variety of roles in, but not limited to, finance, marketing, and IT, in addition to writing.

          Whenever someone would trot out the tired old “What are you going to do with an English major?” in front of my advisor, he’d retort, “What are you going to do with ANY major?”

          College for me was about broadening and deepening my perspective and my thinking, of adding mindset to skillset, of absorbing so many awesome things I still reference and relate to today, 30 years later.

          And in regard to dreams – it was beyond my dreams, and I am grateful I had the opportunity to experience that.

          1. Lurker (the other one)*

            I have a BA and an MA in art history; the latter from an Ivy League university. My friend’s dad would constantly ask me “what are you going to do with an art history degree?” And I would say, “Anything I want.”

            My HS guidance counselor didn’t do any guiding other that take me aside as a freshman and basically tell me, as one of the smartest kids in the school, I could go to [very prestigious college] – as long as I didn’t completely mess up in high school. And that’s the school I went to for undergrad.

            Honestly, if someone would have tried to talk me out of majoring in art history, I was stubborn enough that I wouldn’t have listened. Maybe if my parents had threatened to not pay the part of tuition not covered by scholarships; but I would have put up a fight.

            Would I major in art history again? I don’t know. But I know that I learned a lot more about a wide variety of things. I think having a liberal arts degree does make you well-rounded. Moreso maybe than if you major in something “marketable” that’s hyper-focused, like pre-med or STEM. I don’t use my degrees in my job, but having a degree from an Ivy League school on my resume definitely opened doors. So there’s also that aspect to consider. I paid for my grad degree myself and part of it (low six figures) was forgiven via PSLF.

            You have to let your niece live her own life — even if it’s not the path you would choose, or choose for her.

            1. Lurker (the other one)*

              Oops, the amount forgiven by PSLF was low FIVE figures. The grad degree was about $50k total.

        9. Irish Teacher.*

          I would say the advice that is relevant is advice that you have some expertise in. Have you worked in the area she is qualifying in? If so, you can definitely tell her about the advantages and disadvantages of it, including earning power. If not, then there’s a good chance you won’t have the full story.

          It’s clear you really care about your niece and want what is best for her and I do understand that you have genuine concerns about student loans and the difficulty in paying them back. And it is hard to see somebody we care about making decisions that seems like bad ideas to us. I think this is doubly the case when it is a new adult who we are used to thinking of as a child and to being the expert for.

          But one of the things about children reaching adulthood is those of us who are older needing to realise that we no longer have all the answers. Yes, they are still inexperienced and may need guidance some times but other times they have up to date information that we may not. Look at all the letters here from people whose parents or aunts or uncles or career guidance counsellors or lecturers gave them really out of date advice like “show up at the workplace and ask for a job”. You don’t want to be that person who gives potentially out of touch advice.

          There is no degree that leads with certainly to only low-paying careers. Heck, there are people with high earning power who don’t have any degree at all. Nor is there any degree that guarantees a high-paying career. Especially as your niece is likely to be working for another 60 years and there is absolutely no telling what will happen economically in that time. It is not at all uncommon for young people to be told, “get a degree in x. That’s where the money is. They are crying out for x graduates,” and then a load of people get a degree in it, to the point there are more people qualified than there are jobs and a lot end up unemployed or underemployed.

          You have thought up a very specific scenario and I do understand your concerns that it could happen, but it is far from certain. Assuming you don’t work in the field she wants to study, it is quite possible there are high paying jobs in it that you don’t know of and she does. It is also possible she will pivot into a different sector.

          And no, the role of guidance counsellors isn’t, or shouldnt be, to try and get everybody to qualify in particular areas. It’s more to tell students who courses will qualify them for whatever area they want to work in. Their job isn’t to tell young people what kind of life they should pursue; it’s just to know the facts about what is needed to pursue wantever kind of life they do want.

    10. Aphrodite*

      I would focus only on the niece living with you. It sounds like you want to say “no” (the reasons don’t need to matter except to you–and honestly, you don’t even need reasons) so just say “no.” Don’t argue, don’t defend, don’t explain. Just say no.

      All the other stuff, the debt, the potential limited lifelong earnings and so on, is conveniently outside your sphere of influence. Or it should be. You don’t need to encourage or discourage it. Simply congratulate her on her acceptance, perhaps mention the possibility of meeting with a finance person to discuss her future debt, and then firmly step away and say nothing more. You don’t have to worry about her. She’s got all the information she needs. Whether she’ll use it or not is up to her.

      All you need to do make your decision about her living with you and refuse to debate it, kindly but firmly, with anyone. Then you are done.

    11. Bluebell Brenham*

      While I disagree that you have a vote on her school and career choice, I think you absolutely have the right to say no to her living with you. Often, one of the most important parts of college is living independently, and staying with a close relative almost an hour from campus probably won’t give her a good experience. If your family tries to guilt trip you into saying yes, I could see future arguments about late nights, having friends over, and more. Both you and she deserve better. You can invite her for meals and maybe to do laundry on your schedule, and I bet both of those things would be appreciated. As for her major and career, not all graduates in the arts are doomed to poverty, and there’s no guarantee she won’t change her major over the next four years. It’s ultimately her decision, and it’s her parents’ choice how much they can support her.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree — it’s fine (and a good idea) to give a firm “no” on the housing issue. That’s much better than housing her resentfully and feeling miserable. But it’s a nice gesture to have your niece over for dinner now and then if that feels okay to you.

        In terms of the other stuff, I’m going to (slightly) stray from the prevailing wisdom here and say that it is okay politely to bring up your financial concerns with your niece ONCE, but that after that, you should drop it and not be in any way surprised if she ignores your advice.

        I get it that you are concerned about her and want to prevent her suffering later on. In one of the 12-step programs I’m in, they say, “The first time you give someone advice, it’s because you’re trying to help them. But if you keep giving them advice after that, it’s a you problem.” So, if you’re genuinely coming from a place of feeling like you need to do your due diligence to tell a beloved niece a financial truth that you think is to her benefit, go ahead once nicely, but then try to put the issue out of your mind, and definitely avoid any further conversation on the topic.

        Remember that people study what they have an affinity for. No matter how many times my father and his friends tried to make me into a female engineer, it wasn’t going to happen — my brain just doesn’t work that way. I did take a ridiculously long time to land on my feet with my admittedly impractical humanities degree, but eventually, I ended up just fine.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Exactly. It would have been a bigger waste of time and money for me to try to get a “practical” degree in the hard sciences or such, because my brain is not configured for that. And even if I had managed, I would be in competition for all those “great” jobs with majors that enjoyed the work and were miles ahead of me in getting said jobs.

    12. Not A Manager*

      Whoa. I don’t think her educational decisions are up for a family vote. Be happy for her or don’t be happy for her, but you can’t enlist the family to change her mind.

      On the other hand, your houseguests aren’t up for a family vote, either. You don’t have to convince people that your reasons are “good enough” to refuse. Just tell *your niece* that it won’t work for her to live with you, but that you do hope to see her often when she’s nearby.

      As an aside, your refusal to house her will probably get less backlash from your family if it’s not tied, in their eyes, to your distain for her choices.

      2. Observer*

        As an aside, your refusal to house her will probably get less backlash from your family if it’s not tied, in their eyes, to your distain for her choices.

        Exactly!

        Your comment is good overall, but this piece is really important.

    13. MissB*

      Congrats to your niece.

      Others have said it, I’ll put it this way- unless you’re asked to directly help fund her college expenses, stay out of it. Say no to housing but don’t weigh in on her choice of major.

      She may end up doing something different anyway. Lots of kids change majors.

      Many years ago, dh’s niece came over to ask Dh and I if we would sign for her private student loans for her. She wanted to attend a private college out of state to study education, with a goal of becoming a public school teacher.

      Good for her. She asked two engineers (us) to co-sign. Instead, we said no and here’s why, probably complete with spreadsheets because we are geeky that way. It’s been many years and I don’t recall the finer details of her visit other than she stomped out of our house angry.

      She went on to get her grandparents (dh’s parents) to co-sign. She graduated, stayed in the low cost state where she went to school and became a public school teacher and now has a house/mortgage. And probably still student loans.

      We probably could’ve just said no and not tried to convince her to attend the local public university, lol.

      (As an aside, that’s why my in laws had/still have a mortgage on the house that my -now retired- husband grew up in. They took out money to help her go to college. That makes me a bit angry but you know what? Not my circus. I cannot imagine living in a house for nearly 60 years and having a hefty mortgage payment still.)

    14. Rocky*

      You need to give them an unequivocal “no” to housing her. Even if they haven’t brought it up, if they are hinting around about it. Say “no.” Don’t say “it’s not a good time,” or “I wish I could, but…” Those invite responses like, “ok, her sophomore year then,” or other “solutions.” You have to say NO. No explanations. Just “no,” or “no, I am not able to do that,” or “no, I am not comfortable doing that.” And refuse to give further explanations. I know it feels rude, but nothing else is going to work.

      As for the rest of it — if there are already two starving artists in the family, they all know what the possible ramifications are, and it’s not necessary nor your job to point them out. Good luck.

    15. California Dreamin'*

      It might help to look at it this way: I once read an article talking about how different people view college in different ways. One group sees college as a means to an end… they need a college degree for what they want to do in life, but how and where the degree is obtained is not the important part. One group sees college as an important life-enriching experience, and the experience itself is the point. Neither group is wrong, it’s just two different life priorities. This often comes up where some folks will suggest going to community college first and then transferring to a four-year university. There’s nothing wrong with this path… certainly it’s the most practical and saves a lot of money. But for many folks, that path is not the right fit. They want to live in a dorm, go to football games, have a campus experience. There’s nothing wrong with that path, either. But usually people think their preferred path is the correct one and the other people are nuts. It sounds like maybe you’re in Group 1 and your niece and her parents are in Group 2. It would be good to remember that not everyone shares your feelings about getting a “practical,” career-oriented degree. Some people just want to study history or French literature or whatever. They’ll likely go on to some kind of career either way.

      1. crookedglasses*

        I think this is a helpful framework to understand things through.

        I’m also a little surprised by how many commenters here are adamant that it’s all going to be great and fine. I’m 39 and I have had many friends saddled with obscene levels of student debt. Honestly, the clearest pathway out of it that many folks I’ve known have had was via student loan forgiveness after ten years of working in the public and/or nonprofit sector. I do think it’s very, very hard for a 17 year old to make clear eyed, lucid decisions about taking on $100k in debt.

        But as others have said, it sounds like you aren’t going to have a “vote” in this decision. I don’t know what your relationship with your niece is like, but I wonder if just asking lots of genuine questions – not to try to lead her to a specific conclusion, but just to build out yours and hers understanding of how she’s thinking about everything – could be helpful. Both to her, for some guidance in looking around corners she might not have considered, and also for you, in having greater confidence that she’s made a considered decision.

        And yes, as others have said, give them a clear no on day to day housing. If it feels practical to offer up laundry rights/a home cooked meal once a week/whatever, do that. But clearly set the terms for what actually feels viable for you!

        1. Sloanicota*

          I don’t think we’re saying it’s going to be okay and fine, but we are saying it’s her decision. It would be like if a young adult wanted to take a gap year, or settle down with their partner and have kids, or move to the UK. Bad things! Could happen! But you don’t really get to badger them into making a different choice at that point, and if you insist on doing so you’ll only damage your relationship. Perhaps you can focus on how you might support them if those bad things happen.

        2. Observer*

          I’m also a little surprised by how many commenters here are adamant that it’s all going to be great and fine.

          Nope. That’s not what people are saying. People are saying that it *might* be fine. And even if it’s not, it’s just not their place to weigh in.

          Your suggestion to ask *genuine* questions is good. But two things are at play here. One if that the questions have to be genuine and open, not “gotchas” and / or accusatory. So “have you thought about the fact that you are going to be saddled with an obscene amount of debt?” has to out. But also, the OP may no longer have the family capital to have those conversations with the niece given what they describe of the conversations they have already had with the rest of the family.

        3. Irish Teacher.*

          I think it’s less that people think it’s definitely all going to be great and fine and more that we are saying that nobody can know whether it will be or not and that this is true regardless of what degree Busy Middle Manager’s niece chooses. There is no degree that leads definitely to high earnings for everybody and can be guaranteed to do so for the next 50 years or so nor is there any degree that is guaranteed to lead to low earnings.

          And obviously I don’t know Busy Middle Manager’s relationship with her niece or what field the niece is planning on going into and whether Busy Middle Manager has any experience in that field, but in most cases, an aunt would not have the knowledge to give useful advice here. It would require knowing exactly what the niece’s plans are – not just the degree, but whether she plans to do post-grad work, how much she plans to take out in loans, if she has any scholarships, if she plans to work during college, what electives she plans to take, etc – as well as exactly what the degree leads to, what other paths one can take that lead off it (and if the niece has any interest in these), how much each of those jobs pays, etc.

          It is possible that Busy Middle Manager is right and her niece is making a big mistake. It’s also possible that Busy Middle Manager is completely wrong and that there is a high paying career that this degree leads to that she does not know about but that the niece does since she has been researching the career path. As with most disagreements/differences in opinion, it’s probably 50/50 which of them is right (Busy Middle Manager is older and has more experience but the niece knows more about her own life, so it’s probably about equal).

          And while it is definitely possible to point out that student loans need to be paid back and that if possible the niece should try to keep the amount she takes out to a minimum and check if the career she is hoping for pays enough to make them worth it, telling her “you will only earn this much and will be paying most of it in student loans,” might well be completely wrong.

          I agree that asking questions is the way to go if Busy Middle Manager wants to be helpful. Raise the issues and let her think of them, but trust her to make the right decision in the end.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I grew up in the lower middle class bracket, and went to college with the group 1 attitude all the way. College for me was how I was going to get a better life. Doing well was literally an investment in my future. I probably did miss out on some fun stuff, but I still had some fun.

        I am kind of surprised that your niece appears to have grown up without much money and is not looking for a major that is likely to lead to a reasonably well-paying job, but it is her choice. It sounds like you’ve already brought it up to her, and that’s probably as much as you can do without annoying her.

        Since you don’t want her living with you, say so and say it soon, so she has more time to find an alternative.

        1. Observer*

          I am kind of surprised that your niece appears to have grown up without much money and is not looking for a major that is likely to lead to a reasonably well-paying job, but it is her choice

          I’m not. If you’ve grown up poor but happy and you know someone who is rich but not happy – and some of that unhappiness is tied to wealth, it can really affect your perspective. Or if you have seen successful people who took a different type of path to that success.

    16. RagingADHD*

      I think if you are unwilling to simply clarify that you don’t intend to house your niece, you have hit on a pretty effective way yo ensure she would rather live under a bridge than with you.

      Her major is none of your business, and there are plenty of people with successful careers that are unrelated to their undergraduate major.

      You need to get back in your own lane.

    17. Annie Edison*

      I am clearly in the minority on this but… I have a lot of debt from school and really wish someone had done more to help me think through the realities of paying it off before I took it on. I’m an elder millennial and at the time I did college, there was a lot of hand-wavey thinking about how degrees are always good debt, there are options for repayment plans, etc etc.

      If you’re close with your niece, I think you could ask her some questions like “have you looked at average starting salaries for this field? Did you know there are debt repayment calculators online that will show you how much you’ll owe per month? What would your budget look like with those salaries and repayment cost?”

      Those are all much more blunt than I would be in real life, but it’s the type of info I wish someone had given me. That, and no one told me that while the outcome driven plans help, interest capitalizes on those plans, so you can end up owing more than you initially borrowed while still making all your monthly payments.

      Keep in mind that ultimately it’s up to her to decide, make sure she knows that you’ll love and be happy for her no matter what she does, and frame the conversation as providing info, not as trying to pursuade her one way or another.

      2. AmyK*

        I think this is a good approach, I just think it needs to be someone other than BMM who does it. The underlying emotions they’re feeling might be worry, but its only coming out as judgement and anger at the family and having the discussion with any of that in her head is not going to help the niece and might ruin their relationship with the whole family.

        I think that’s what most people are reacting to: it’s not that nobody can have this discussion with other people; it’s that it can be a really fraught conversation and, given everthing else, BMM should treat it as none of her business. She should focus energies on saying no about the living situation and finding other ways to support the niece.

    18. WFH4VR*

      If it’s an Ivy, I’m pretty sure they require all freshman to live on campus, so living with you won’t even be an option. If an Ivy admits a student, they will make sure she can attend. Stay out of her finances, stay out of her educational choices, and myob about her degrees. You sound way too busy-body about someone who isn’t even directly related to you.

      1. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        Should still clarify that it’s a “no”, so the parents can plan accordingly for the following years. Ironically, it sounds like the parents and daughter are being financially responsible by wanting to save some money by staying with OP. Still, it’s not fair for you to house her — I would resent it too — just make sure you say no.

        OP — if you say “no” clearly, then I think a lot of your resentment would end. If they are asking you to house her; then I can see why you would feel resentment because you are basically taking on some of the expenses and then you would want a say in it. Just say “no” to the housing — no excuses, say it won’t work out for you. The school should not be assuming your niece would have a neighboring place to stay at, and would be offering loans and financial packages to cover her living expenses.

        Say “no” soon though — so they don’t buy a car for her to commute, but instead plan for dormitory.

    20. goddessoftransitory*

      Okay, you have two different problems here; one is entirely your business and the other is…not.

      The idea that your niece is just going to move in with you is incredibly presumptuous. You need to be firm about this starting NOW: “Sorry, that isn’t going to work for me.” Period. Zip, End of story. No negotiations. (And BTW; did they mean rent free? If so, a whole other layer of Wow.)

      But what your niece chooses to major in is entirely up to her. Is it a huge mistake? Statistically, more probable than not from a strictly financial point of view. But it’s an even bigger mistake, in my opinion, to pay for a degree in a field that is of no interest to her and is probably becoming overcrowded (see law degrees in the 90s or STEM today.)

      Arts degrees are not useless. If more people valued them, we might not be in some of the mess we are today as a society.

      As long as you aren’t being asked to pay for it, what degree she earns is not in your wheelhouse. Don’t tangle these two problems up — NO for the first, period, and “not my circus/monkeys” for the second.

    21. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Just say no to the housing and keep your mouth shut about her career/financial stuff. It’s not that hard to give a clear answer and mind your own business.

    22. Cheshire Cat*

      If you’re in the US, your niece was likely accepted in an “early decisions” program, and if so, may not have received her full financial aid package yet. The Ivies and wannabe Ivies want to have a diverse student population, and will often provide a mixture of loans, federal grants, and scholarships to cover the cost of attending so their graduates can start their professional lives without debilitating debt.

      While your concerns about your niece’s future earnings potential may be valid, the college itself could help pave her way. Plus, as others have said, she may change majors before graduating.

      And, the name of the college may be enough to open career doors for her. Even in my forties, the name of my wannabe Ivy alma mater was enough to move my resume into the “interview” list for many of the jobs I applied to.

    23. Not A Manager*

      Popping back to address the “who can counsel her, though” question that you’ve mentioned a few times. I think you absolutely can counsel her, once, privately, in a straightforward manner. You’re right that kids don’t know what they don’t know, and just because she hasn’t asked your opinion doesn’t mean you can’t offer it.

      I was responding to your apparent arguments with the *rest* of your family about this. Maybe I’m misreading, but it sounds to me like whenever people bring this up, you start to get pretty worked up about the situation and try to recruit them to your position. I think that’s a mistake for a lot of reasons.

      If you can detach a little bit, and accept that other people are going to have their own opinions, and that your niece and her parents are ultimately the only stakeholders, I think you’d be doing her a favor to have a nuts and bolts talk with her. But – and I do mean this gently – try not to get too invested in her decision. She might make a wrong choice, but it is hers to make. You’ll be a lot more persuasive if she doesn’t feel bullied.

    24. Generic Name*

      This is a situation where doing/saying nothing can be your friend. Unless you are paying for her college, you get zero say in your adult relative’s choices. Also, unless your niece, herself, asks to live with you, there is no discussion. My son is 18, and I know all too well about having to grit my teeth while he makes mistakes. But that’s how we all learn and grow. Adults like to insist that young people not only have a plan, but that they also have a backup plan. But every adult I know, myself included, are just making it up as we go along.

      1. Retirednow*

        I am understand all the flack you’re getting, but I kind of don’t also. It depends on how close you are to your niece and the family – for a bit of background, I have a cedar degree that I wanted to get and did not really help me at all in my life. But I also went to a school that was a bit less than Ivy and that particular school opened many doors for me in my life, way past the time I thought it might.

        But I wish someone had canceled me at the time about student loans. I had a difficult family situation, which not may not be your nieces case, but I wound up, taking a lot of loans that I only survived because I recently got my loans forgiven under President Biden. I didn’t have any scholarships or other money to help me outside of loans, and no one talked to me about the debt I was taking on.

        It sounds like your niece may have family members who are willing to talk to her about that and in that case, it probably wouldn’t be great for you to weigh in. However, you might want to talk to her parents separately and express your concerns once you have made it clear that you do not want to have her while she’s in school. I would let some time go by between those two conversations.

        I don’t regret having a theater degree, but I do regret that no one talk to me about the financial realities of taking on a lot of debt for undergrad.

    25. Observer*

      More importantly to me, she wants to get an arts degree.

      I get it. But as long as you are not paying her, and not being expected to support her once she gets out of school, it’s really not your business. You’ve brought it up, now it’s time to back off.

      Everyone is assuming I am housing her

      Are you able and willing to house her or not? If the answer is not, let her and her parents know ASAP. Explain that it’s not practical (but don’t get into too may details), and just keep on repeating that like a broken record. No one else gets even that much. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on any of this.

    26. EA*

      If it’s truly a top 20 school, then a lot of times which “Liberal Arts” type major you have doesn’t actually matter much. I have plenty of friends with majors in stuff like Philosophy, Dance, and Art History that pursued very different careers. A top school’s name and reputation – for better or for worse – can open doors in pretty lucrative career areas like consulting, down the line. Also, lots of students change majors. I completely understand your concern, but I think having this conversation a year into school and after she’s taken different classes would make more sense.

      1. Unpleased*

        Yep. The school’s reputation can open a lot of doors beyond the major.

        The other thing is that lots of businesses treasure liberal arts majors because they tend to be well trained at synthesizing information from different contexts and recombining it in new ways. Creativity and critical thinking can be competitive advantages above and beyond what people expect. They also have the flexibility to develop skills in any number of directions. I work in a highly profitable business populated by lots of liberal arts majors and am one myself. I am a highly strategic thinker who understands trends in my field and helps develop mew products in response.

        I disagree with everyone who says you, OP, can counsel her once, at least until you know more. I am not sure you know enough about her goals and dreams. Kids from any socioeconomic background deserve to have and pursue their dreams. Need-based and merit aid at Ivies tends to be pretty solid. Unless you are able to come from a genuine position of curiosity and empathy to really understand her first, maybe skip it until you can.

    27. Irish Teacher.*

      Honestly, there are two separate issues here and only one of them is your problem. That is the one about her staying with you. You have the right to say no to that, if you wish.

      The question of what degree she is getting is really her decision. You have given your opinion. You may be right. You may be wrong. She clearly has a different opinion and while she is younger and less experienced than you, so there is value to her hearing your opinion, she also has insights that you don’t. She probably knows more about the field she is planning on going into for instance.

      You have given your opinion. She now has that information and can consider it among the other considerations and you really have to trust her to make the decision that is right for her. She is the expert on her own life and you don’t want to risk steering her wrong.

      And I think “they shouldn’t give loans to useless degrees” would be absolutely terrible advice. For one thing, there is no such thing as a “useless degree.” All knowledge is valuable. I presume you mean there are people who think they shouldn’t give loans for degrees that lead to fields that are underpaid, but the better thing to change there would be to start paying those fields better rather than to ensure only independently wealthy people get to go into them and therefore we get people of less ability in them (not that people with wealthy parents have less ability, just that the people with best ability are going to be distributed across all income levels, so if you need 2% of people in the field and if only those from the top 10% can afford to do it, that would be 20% of them and only 2% would be in the group that should be getting the college places, so there will be a lot of substandard professionals).

      And “kids should be taught finances” means things like “kids should be taught not to spend all their earnings each week; they should learn to save some” or “kids should understand how pensions work.” It doesn’t mean teaching them they should only choose the degree paths that you know lead to high earning careers.

      Most degrees lead to a wide variety of paths. I do not know exactly what degree your niece is doing, but if you mean a BA degree, that leads to plenty of well-paying careers. If you mean a degree in art as in artwork, then there are still commercial paths from that. My sister has a qualification in interior architecture and worked right through the recession when much of the country was laid off.

      If you actually have some knowledge about the career paths from her degree – real knowledge, not just that you don’t associate it with high paid careers – then you could let her know. In terms of “so what career are you hoping for?” “You know that pays x amount and your loan repayments are going to take y amount?” That sort of thing.

    28. ElastiGirl*

      Your niece absolutely should NOT live with you— not primarily for reasons of your personal comfort or convenience, but for your niece’s ability to thrive as an artist and as a student.

      I can’t think of much that’s more damaging to a young artist than living in a hostile environment— which you clearly would provide. She has 4 years of significant growth and learning ahead of her, and living with someone hostile to the arts would hinder that mightily.

      I weigh in here as someone who had a long, financially remunerative career in arts and entertainment and who now trains young artists just like your niece (many of whom go on to careers that are financially and personally rewarding).

      The worst decision your niece could make at this point would be to live with you. Just say no. For her sake.

    29. Girasol*

      Can you make an invitation with boundaries? “I’d love to have her stay with me for the week that she’s moving into her housing here, and I’ll help with getting her moved and settled.” That could help move people from their assumptions and hints to something concrete that you’ve decided.

    30. WoodswomanWrites*

      You’ve gotten a lot of responses and I concur about being direct to say no to housing since it’s not something you can offer. By doing that soon, that gives your niece and her parents lead time to arrange a place for her to live.

      Regarding your concern for her pursuing an arts degree, I’m thinking that she’s just learning how to be an adult and to make her own decisions. Hearing an opinion that she’s making a mistake at 18 would not land well. Your encouragement for her journey can strengthen your connection rather than undermine it by criticizing her choice. She may very well change her mind in two years when she has to declare a major, as so many people do including myself. You can offer to be a sounding board when she’s at the point of declaring a major if that’s something she wants. That’s a better approach than a lecture about how this young woman’s first independent choices as an adult are wrong.

    31. bay scamp*

      One of my best friends majored in Art History. Dropped out in her second year to chase a guy who lived out of state. 20+ years later, she’s a successful business owner (back in the state where we live, and that guy is just a distant memory), in a totally unrelated field, hiring on more help because she’s so busy, able to afford luxury automobiles, etc. I have a Masters degree in a specialization of the very practical field that my undergraduate degree is in, and I will probably never be a homeowner and am holding on to my 2007 Corolla for dear life.

  41. Undine Spragg*

    Sedona? There’s a lot of natural beauty, some of which might be hard for you to access, but there’s also got to be tons of spas and healing vibes. Right now it’s 50, don’t know what it’s like in Feb. New Orleans after Mardi Gras? Again, probably coolish but not freezing.

  42. Not your typical admin*

    Looking for the best way to explain a dietary restriction. So I’m one of the people for who cilantro tastes like soap. I’ve found that a lot of times it’s not listed as an ingredient since it’s used as a seasoning, or in a sauce. It’s not an allergy, and I don’t want to come across as being overly picky or dramatic. Any ideas on a quick one sentence phrase I can use? I’m sure I’m overthinking.

    1. MeMyselfI*

      If you’re at a restaurant and need to ask if something contains cilantro, just say you can’t eat it. No need to get into explanations; restaurants are used to people having what they call allergies, even if it isn’t actually an allergy.

      If you need to explain to friends, just say you’re one of the people to whom cilantro tastes like soap.

      You are overthinking it, as you suspected, but that’s ok! It’s a bigger deal to you than to other people and that’s how it should be – if a friend reacts badly and makes it a huge deal, that says something about the friend.

      1. Retirednow*

        A lot of people now know about the cilantro problem so I think you can just say “to me. It taste like soap. I’m one of those people.”

    2. Ellis Bell*

      “I don’t eat Cilantro”. “Can you make sure there’s no Cilantro in any of the ingredients, because I don’t eat it” ‘I can’t eat it, if it has Cilantro in it”. If Cilantro happens in a restaurant after you’ve said this, send it back. If it’s in a friend’s cooking: “Ah, I think some Cilantro was hiding in one of your ingredients, so I can’t eat it, but thanks anyway.” Everyone has stuff they won’t eat, it shouldn’t have to be an allergy for people to take you seriously. Also, speaking as someone with an allergy, it’s not like they get taken seriously anyway. My best tip is to always have snacks packed.

    3. Bibliovore*

      yes.
      I say to the waiter even if the cuisine would never call for cilantro (ravioli and butter sage sauce)
      “Does this dish have cilantro in it? cilantro ruins everything it touches. (small laugh) its not you, its genetice. yes, check with the chef.”

    4. StrayMom*

      I always ask if it’s likely that cilantro is already included in the protein or the sauce and not listed, and if so I’ll order something else. No need to make a big deal out of it. Lots of people don’t do cilantro-I once had such a nauseating reaction to it that I nearly lost my dinner at a very lovely restaurant in WDW-could have been a very expensive, and embarrassing! evening.

    5. Onomatopoetic*

      You are not overly picky or dramatic, cilantro is a typical thing that people either like or can’t stand. As long as you are matter of fact about it, it’s no problem. I usually say “does this contain cilantro? Is it possible to get it without it?” If not, I ask what they have that I can eat. To friends a quick “no cilantro, please”. Sometimes I add “I’m one of the soap people” as an explanation, but it feels like most people know that it’s not for everyone.

    6. Girasol*

      “I’m not a cilantro person. Is there any in this dish?” I am a cilantro person, but I think we all get it that some people are definitely not.

  43. Cats and Gross Meds*

    Thank you to everyone last week who recommended ways to help a cat take gross medicine! I was too late to reply to the last batch of suggestions, which were mostly about transdermal meds. I had no idea so many medicines could be formulated to be taken through the skin, so I will definitely be asking my vet about that if this becomes something he has to take frequently. Also thank you to the people who reassured me that cats can take liquid meds squirted down the throat for years without hating you! In the meantime, we’ve been having success mixing the meds with a tiny bit of cat-safe oil first (on the theory that fat will mask bitterness) and then mixing that into food. Kitty has just one day of the worst med left and then a week of the second-worst! He is mostly on the mend from this issue but in the meantime seems to have caught a cold (sounds phlegmy).

    1. WS*

      Hooray, I’m glad it’s all going well. Have a little party* when the last of the worst two meds are done!

      *Congratulate the cat and sing him a little song

  44. StrayMom*

    Low stakes question – does anyone else have a friend/relative who gets a kick out of sending questionable/cringy/borderline offensive holiday cards, and if so, do you say anything, or continue to suck it up? They live across the country – we don’t see each other frequently, and so I don’t need to react in the moment, but there have been some doozies in the past and they just texted me “I think you may enjoy your cards as much or more than your presents. I’M BACK BABY!” I …. Just don’t know how to respond, and I’m sure they will be more interested in my reaction to the card(s) than to the gift. For context, we grew up Catholic and while neither of us is practicing now, I stayed pretty religious when my kids were young.

    1. Annie Edison*

      I think I would just not say anything in this particular situation. It sounds like they are mostly interested in the reaction so I just… wouldn’t give them one. Easy enough to just toss it in the recycle bin and move on with my life

      If you wanted to say something, you could try something like “thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not really the right audience for that kind of humor.” But it kind of sounds like they know what they’re doing and don’t care so I’d leam towards sparing myself the trouble and just tossing the cards out

    2. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I don’t have this situation, but maybe you could think about what keeps you from trying to shut this down. Is it that you might offend them and end up with a less close relationship (although it sounds like they’re gleefully trying to offend you)? Or you’d hate for them to regard you as not chill like they think you used to be (and maybe you were)? Or a general disinclination to rock the boat that sometimes makes you tolerate behavior that bothers you? If you can suss that out, maybe you can decide what (if anything) you want to do this year either before or after you’ve been card-bombed. Good luck!

    3. Habitat Heroine*

      It sounds like this person makes this a big part of their personality (they’re the wacky one with the out-there sense of humor) and they just want a reaction. Personally I would just ignore the whole nonsense, and grey rock them. Roll your eyes and bin the card when it arrives, and if they ask about your reaction be very noncommittal (“hmmm? Card? Oh yeah, we got it. Thanks for thinking of us. How is your bad knee/Courteney’s dance recital/your mother doing?”) and don’t give them anything to feed off of. Make it super boring and a waste of their time to keep provoking you.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree. This person sounds like they want a reaction (and also that they are stuck emotionally in seventh grade) so don’t give them one.

    4. Alex*

      Not exactly the same thing, but every year, my mom sends me a birthday card that is something along these lines:
      Front of card: Happy Birthday to a daughter who has everything–brains, looks….
      Back of card: And wonderful parents!!!

      I get that in a lot of families that would be funny. The thing is, my mom and I have ALWAYS had an extremely fraught relationship. She is a narcissist (as noted by my own therapist) and I endured both abuse and neglect as a kid. My parents are complicated and certainly not super wonderful in terms of parenting.

      So, it just really hurts every year when she sends this card. And I doubt she even knows that she sends the same basic card every year–each year she goes to the store and each year is drawn to that particular card, not remembering it is the same sentiment as last year. It just delights her every time (because, of course, as a narcissist, my birthday is all about her anyway).

    5. *daha**

      This is your opening. They invited a response. Reply “Actually, no. I prefer traditional greetings.”

    6. Generic Name*

      Why are people like this? It’s not cool, and only some find it clever or funny. Are these people who you highly value having in your life? If so, I suggest recycling the card without opening it. If you wouldn’t mind having them around less, and you are genuinely offended by the cards, you could ask to be taken off their holiday card list. But that might be seen as the “nuclear option”.

    7. Ochre*

      “Well, I’m gonna be honest, we usually put all the cards on the mantle to enjoy but that’s not something I wanted to look at every day.” or “that’s not something I wanted guests to see.”

      Edgelord relative will either see this as “mission accomplished” or might not care or might choose a different card next year? Or you could just not react (as everyone else has said) since a reaction is what they’re looking for.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I had to look up what the word edgelord means. Thanks for adding this cool word to my vocabulary.

    8. The OG Sleepless*

      My FIL liked to needle people this way, and I learned early on not to let him see it was bugging me or he’d amp it up tenfold. I would completely ignore. Toss it in the trash.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Respond, “Oh, did you send something? I must have mislaid it. Thanks for thinking of me!” And then ask something about their life.

      Give zero energy to the negative behavior, and positive attention to them as a person. Works on obnoxious teens, which is apparently what you’re dealing with.

    10. Hyaline*

      What everyone else has said about not feeding the Christmas Card Postal Troll, but also–reassurance that it’s ok to not like that kind of humor, find it distasteful, or even feel offense/discomfort/whatever, whether it’s making fun of one of your own personal deeply held beliefs or not.

    11. Ellis Bell*

      I’d be inclined to compliment it vaguely like I wasn’t remembering which card is theirs: “Oh yes, very pretty! Hope you have lovely Christmas x”

  45. Trying to Excelify my household expenses*

    I got serious about tracking my monthly expenses this year, and I created an Excel spreadsheet in January, covering various categories that each have subcategories — so, lots of columns of dollar amounts going down from Jan to Dec, on numerous worksheets. At the end of the year I’d like Excel to calculate a total and a monthly average for each column.

    I’m a very bare-bones Excel user, but I googled how to do an average and I see how that works for just one column. What they didn’t explain was how to create a formula that could be applied repeatedly, and how to invoke it. It would be even more helpful if a single formula could put the column total in the row below December and the average in the row below that, but maybe that’s too much for one formula — if so I would do AutoSum and then apply the averaging formula.

    Is this do-able? Or is there a built-in averaging formula that’s not as visible as AutoSum? Thanks!

    1. Rosyglasses*

      I think I understand your question – so hopefully this answers. I’m an intermediate user – there are others that likely understand the formulas MUCH better – can I ask a clarifying visualizing question?

      Are your categories in columns, and are they totaled by month?

      If you have say all of your food expenses totaled by month, and your monthly totals for food are in column C, and your household expense totals are in column D, you can put the formula for calculating an average at the bottom of column C, and then just copy and paste it into the bottom of column D, etc etc and the formula will be able to auto-shift to the correct cell grouping.

    2. Just here for the scripts*

      Autosum will add up (total) everything in the column—there’s a shortcut in the ribbon at the top of the formulas tab that means you don’t have to do anything but click it from the cell below your last entry and then hit enter. Rinse and repeat for each column. You can also drag the bottom right hand corner of that cell across the same cell in the other columns—that replicates the formula but sets the cell references for the next column…and the next…and the next. Of course this requires the last entry cell to be on the same row across all columns—which might not be the case for you

      When it comes to averages…do you want monthly averages (total the 12 months of categories? Total 13 months of each category and then divide all 12 totals by 12)? Or do you want the average cost per month for each category (divide the total by the number of entries within that category)?

      1. Trying to Excelify my household expenses*

        Thanks for your advice about AutoSum — I see that I’ve been doing lots of unnecessary work to get my subcategories (ie, the rows) totalled up every month and I was about to waste even more time inefficiently summing every column to get annual totals.

        As for averaging, yes, I want Excel to compute a monthly average for every column unless it’s for a fixed monthly recurring cost, so it would be dividing the sum of the 12 months by 12.

        1. Just here for the scripts*

          Easy similar to auto sum function—I’ll share in AM once I’m up and ensure it’s accurate.

        2. DistantAudacity*

          Also, if you’re feeling fancy, investigate the SUMIF function for your sub-categories.

          Helpful tip: place the name of the subcategory in its own column, so that each row gets a category, and not using a row as a subcategory header.

          Honestly, half (most!) of Excel is figuring out what is possible, and the reading the help article for it! (The other half is google «how do I do X in Excel»)

        3. Laggy Lu*

          =AVERAGE(#,#,#) or highlight the array. So you can either use this function and choose the individual cells, or you can highlight the entire column. It will automatically calc the sum and then divide by the number of cells included.
          If you have a bunch of numbers that just need to be divided by 12, then you can use the simple =(SUM)/12
          Hope that helps!

    3. Angstrom*

      To copy and paste a formula, copy the cell containing the formula and select the clipboard with the fx icon to paste. The cell/row references will automatically update.

      If you want to refer to the same row/column in several places, a $ will lock the reference.

      Example: A2*B2, if copied and moved right two columns, would be C2*D2. If I want to keep using the column A value, $A2*B2 moved two columns would be A2*D2

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        You can also drag formulas down or to the right to copy them. Click on the bottom right of the cell you wish to copy and drag with the mouse.
        You can also control C to copy and then Control V to paste.

    4. Practicalities*

      For tallying/aggregating data (including subtotals, grand totals and averages), nothing beats a Pivot Table. This will involve more research on your part to learn how to do (but hopefully your data is already set up in the format needed), but honestly Pivot Tables are such a versatile tool and quick to put together that it’s worth the time and effort. They essentially automate the SUMIF and other formulae.

    5. Jules the First*

      I have recently discovered that Microsoft CoPilot (the funny coloured icon at the end of the search bar in the Bing browser) is rather spectacularly good at Excel formulas…you tell it what you want it to do and it spits out the formula. You do have to test to make sure it does what you meant it to do, and sometimes you need to ask CoPilot to try again or refine something, but it’s good enough that it’s now my go to starting point for “I want to do this in Excel but I’m not sure how…”

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      Here’s a plug for looking on YouTube for Excel guidance. If there’s something I can’t figure out on many topics, there’s almost always someone who explains it on YouTube and you can watch them do the actual thing to figure it out yourself.

    7. ronda*

      look into pivot tables.

      I dont think it will work with your current set up, but I find it the easiest way to analyze the expenses

      I download the CC and bank statement transactions and put them in a sheet , then run a pivot table on them. ( I do have to do some fiddling to make sure data from different sources is in the same columns)

      columns from credit cards and bank transactions list:
      date
      payee
      debit amount
      credit amount (sometimes different column sometimes – and + numbers)
      category. (review and correct to your categories)

      then I add
      month. (date is too specific)

      To make a pivot table you highlight the dataset, select what you want in the row and columns and the item you want to Sum or Avg. So I would put category in the rows, month in the column and amount in the Values as a Sum(there are other options like avg).
      the rows and columns have sorted alphabetically for me so I have done my categories to have a leading character that got me the sort I wanted (like 1-Jan, 2-Feb, 3-Mar, etc).
      If you put multiple source data columns in Row or Column list it will give you subtotals, totals and grand total.

      So basically the data for your expenses is a flat database(just the source data), then you use pivot tables to do a report on that data and give you totals.

  46. Victoria, Please*

    Oh my lands, what seemed like a fairly straightforward household task has just turned into a saga that will require extensive internet research, waiting for days, and tearing apart the living room *again*. The reason is, the cleaning appliance we were counting on has a fatal fault that we must try (AND NO DOUBT FAIL) to fix before before we can proceed.

    Even regular house cleaning is really exasperating and frustrating for me.
    This is super extra. Send chocolate.

    1. WFH4VR*

      Advice: Save your sanity and hire a professional housecleaner once or twice a month. It is so worth it. I cut way back on eating out and getting takeout to afford it, but it is a life-changer to come home at the end of the day and find the house spotless. A deep clean lasts a solid two weeks before the crud starts to build up again.

  47. WoodswomanWrites*

    Wildlife thread. Urban settings qualify. What critters have you seen?

    My neighbor has a tall ornamental shrub covered in berries that the birds love. Yesterday a house finch was singing his heart out atop a branch. So beautiful to listen to.

    1. Annie Edison*

      I saw the most beautiful coyote trotting along the grass by the parking lot near my office one morning this week! It was cold and crisp and early enough that there weren’t many cars or people, so I just stopped and stared at her. We made brief eye contact, I told her how beautiful she was and that I hoped she stayed safe, and then we both continued on our way. It was magical

    2. WFH4VR*

      I live in the land of Suburban Turkeys. Seriously, they are everywhere. I saw one in the Public Garden in Boston yesterday. Also: Giant red-tailed hawks that stake out my birdfeeders, a groundhog, herds of rabbits, and killer squirrels. At the feeders I get titmouses, house finches, a Carolina wren, nuthatches, woodpeckers, goldfinches, a Flicker, and flocks of sparrows (which I don’t like at all.) Cardinals, mourning doves, and juncos as ground feeders.

    3. Six Feldspar*

      Saw and heard several young butcherbirds sitting on the tv aerial and practicing their calls!

      Also several baby magpies in the area begging the parents for food all day every day, and a few currawongs. So this week I’ve got the whole trifecta of Monochrome Carnivorous Birds With Beautiful Singing Voices!

      Also spotted a trio of black cockatoos on the way home a couple of days ago, I see the white ones a lot but the black ones generally only when there’s a storm coming.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We have foxes here. And deer. I don’t mind the deer, but the screaming foxes… oy. It’s really disturbing.

    5. epicdemiologist*

      Today on my way to the grocery store, I passed a flock of THIRTEEN buzzards dismantling the remains of a possum. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many on the ground in a tight group (I’ve seen large flocks spiraling on updrafts though, particularly at this time of year).

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      Lots of mute swans in a nearby pond today. Many juncos everywhere. Turkey vultures! A decent amount of hawk activity too. Red tails, Coopers and a very fierce Goshawk.
      Plus a mink at our pond!

        1. allathian*

          I’ve seen them in the wild as a kid. Unfortunately they’re an invasive species here, escapees from mink farms or the descendants of escapees.

    7. BellaStella*

      Our pond is frozen and we have a few inches of snow so we are seeing a lot of animal tracks, chamois, deer, weasel, fox

    8. Nancy Drew*

      The robins are having a party in my yard this afternoon, feasting on the now-fermenting holly berries and pulling plentiful worms out of the ground. They get drunk and goofy. This is an annual event after the first freeze of autumn. I look forward to seeing them gather each year.

    9. Rara Avis*

      Two enormous hawks flying back and forth between the tippy-tops of tall pines along the YMCA parking lot!

  49. Bluebell Brenham*

    Quick follow up on a topic raised earlier this year. Someone (not me) asked about chili crisp and I was motivated to try it. Now I’m hooked! I bought Mr Bing brand and putting it on stirfry, canned tuna, and more! Thank you, weekend commentariat!

    1. Rainy*

      If you like chili crisp (we use Lao Gan Ma brand if you are ever interested in branching out), try salsa macha–it’s a Mexican condiment with smoked chilis, nuts, and sometimes fruit. We prefer salsa macha with pepitas to salsa macha with peanuts, but there’s a fair variety out there.

  50. My Brain is Exploding*

    Restaurant pet peeves? (Not serious things like underpaying staff.) I’ll start: I hate when they hand out butter that is rock hard! Then the bread rips to shreds. Also: places that don’t have caffeine-free diet soda. So I don’t get the combo that I would like to get because I can’t drink the soda they have.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Oh, caffeine-free diet soda is SO hard to find in the wild! I feel for you — that’s my go-to drink as well, but I have to buy it at the supermarket.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      EFFING LEMON SLICES IN THE WATER. I loathe that weak, lemon-ghost taste in my water so damn much.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Co-signing this and the rock hard butter.

        Also lemon slices in my SODA. What even.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            In general, I think the default should be to not add extras unprompted – put them on the side or ask up front, do you want a fruit salad in your beverage :) super easy to add citrus to a blank slate, but once it’s there, you can’t undo it.

        2. Stocking Stitch*

          How peculiar! I’d be very disappointed if there WASN’T a slice of lemon or lime in my Coke.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            And that’s great, but it is much easier for you to add one that you do want to yours, than for me to remove the juice of the slice I didn’t want in mine.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      And…when you ask for lemon for your tea and they bring you this slices instead of wedges, so instead of squeezing the lemon in, you have to put it in your cup and muddle it with a spoon.

      1. LemonPickiness*

        I don’t drink tea with lemon anymore, but my experience is that they use lemon wedges but they put them in the bottom of the glass or sometimes the mug if hot tea (more common for iced tea than hot tea) before putting the tea in so you get the gross peels and seeds and everything. Blech.

    4. HannahS*

      1) When they seize the plates away as each person finishes eating, instead of waiting until everyone is done and taking all the plates at once. Argh! Even at expensive places!

      2) When the vegetarian option doesn’t have enough calories but costs as much as the meat. I was just out with my husband and the vegetarian option was two terribly fancy mushrooms, or a dish of terribly fancy Jerusalem artichokes. No rice, no pasta, no bread, no beans, no real CALORIES. Same cost as duck breast! The worst is a “cauliflower steak.” I always wind up hungry and bloated.

      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        Ha, I just said the same as your #1. Many, many people hate to have dirty plates in front of them and bussers like to keep things moving so I get why restaurants do it. But I hate it! It makes the slower eaters feel self-conscious.

      2. Ravenous vegan*

        I’m with you on 2! I once got literally roasted cauliflower on cauliflower rice. And two small dots of pea puree (like the amount of wasabi with sushi). No protein, no carbs. It tasted ok, but I was hungry immediately. Professional people at a fancy restaurant and they can’t compose a decent meal. I’d served it with smoked tofu or beetroot hummus.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Top Chef did a vegan challenge maybe 10 years back with a vegan judge, and the winner was the chef who gave up meat for Lent every year. He got that when this was every meal, not the occasional meal in an omnivore day, you needed some protein and calories in there.

          1. HannahS*

            That makes a lot of sense. I’m an omnivore myself, but I keep kosher and the majority of my meals are dairy or pareve, so I am well-accustomed to making satisfying meals without meat. I do find vegan cuisine a bit more challenging (as in, I have a couple of go-to dishes for entertaining and them I’m out of ideas, since I avoid processed imitation meat and cheese) but still! My kingdom for a chickpea!

    5. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      Making you ask for salt/pepper shakers
      Unsalted butter with bread (why? it has no taste.)
      Bread that isn’t cut all the way through so you have to manhandle it
      Iced tea that’s from a mix
      When they ask how your food is before you’ve even taken a bite
      High noise levels
      Aggressive plate clearing (I’m of the “wait until everyone’s finished” school, even though I know many people disagree. Also, ask if I’m finished before starting to grab my plate.)

      1. Salty 'bout it*

        I hate salted butter. All you taste is the salt. Unsalted tastes of butter which is what I want on my bread.

        1. red rose*

          Sorry, I shouldn’t have commented. Nothing more annoying than being pet-peeve policed. Regretted it as soon as I posted.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      By far, the thing I detest is places that are so loud you have to scream to hear the people you’re dining with and vice versa. While some places are just old buildings that echo, the ones that add loud music are especially annoying. I don’t care how good the food is, I never go back to noisy restaurants.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, same. My favorite restaurant has no background music at all and plenty of textiles to improve acoustics. The lighting’s amazing, too, indirect and soft enough to look flattering on middle-aged and older white skin but also bright enough to read the menu without squinting. The service’s also great.

      3. ReallyBadPerson*

        I was at an industry dinner in a hipster sort of place with hard surfaces and no sound dampening, and the music was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think, let alone hear my table mates. I got up and asked the organizer to please turn down the music (we were paying to attend this thing so we could network) . I saw her gesturing to the manager, and he finally turned the volume down a notch. He later came to our table and “apologized,” explaining that the music was part of the vibe. What’s weird is that this was not a young crowd. There were a few younger people, but most of us were well northward of 45. My husband, who is the actual owner of the business for which we were networking, actually got up and moved out onto a balcony, even though it was chilly, just so he could have a conversation.

    7. Harlowe*

      Speaking from the server side: working at a restaurant with off-brand soda. Kids would have complete meltdowns when they learned we had neither Coke nor Pepsi. Adults would be snide. Everyone always acted like it was my fault.

      1. Colala*

        I’m sorry people were rude. I do really hate it when I can’t get Coke in a place, but I know that’s not the server’s fault and I just don’t go there again in future (I stopped going to my fave burger place after six years when they got rid of Coke, and I regret nothing!).

    8. Rainy*

      Restaurants that don’t actually describe major parts of a dish in the menu description.

      Also I went for a high tea a few months ago with friends and I have some allergies, which they like to know about when you book your table, but they somehow changed my list of allergens to “vegetarian” and proposed a menu that was 2/3rds made of the very same allergens I’d informed them about ahead of time! (They did change us to a different selection when I said “I can’t eat most of that” but ffs, if you ask for allergy info ahead of time so you can “curate [our] tea experience” don’t then *write down different info*.)

    9. MeMyselfI*

      Dim lighting. Unless you are deliberately aiming for a client base of under-40s, why won’t you turn up the lights?! I shouldn’t have to turn on the flashlight on my phone to read the menu!! Yes, my eyes are old!

    10. Onomatopoetic*

      To echo a comment upthread: places that put cilantro in stuff without warning. Nothing like eating a salad with what you thought was parsley and get a mouthful of soap.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I love cilantro, but the rest of my family hates it. They don’t have the soap gene, but they tell waitstaff they do, because it’s easier to get the point across. Enough people of northern European ancestry have it that you would think restaurants would be more upfront about it.

        1. Sloanicota*

          It is funny, especially when half the time it’s acting more like a garnish that shouldn’t be so hard to leave off. I don’t have the gene and I actually like cilantro just fine, but I do think it’s weird to put it in everything knowing that it renders a dish inedible to a significant portion of the dining public! (I do have a friend who has the gene which is probably why I notice how often it’s added).

      2. KillTheGarnish*

        or any garnishes. I am allergic to raw tomatoes, and some places just don’t get it. The worst was this now defunct restaurant that used to have avery nice but fairly expensive seafood buffet on Friday and Saturday nights. I would periodically go as a treat, maybe 8-10 times a year over the course of several years. The last time I went every single dish randomly had diced tomatoes on top as a garnish. As a regular, I had stopped checking the buffet before I entered as they (previously) always had plenty of stuff I ate. When I complained about the tomatoes no one understood why it was a problem or was willing to do anything about it – and they still wanted me to pay because I’d sat down at a table.

        1. Rainy*

          I remember when pea tendrils were all the rage as a garnish and I got SO TIRED of taking them off things. (I’m allergic to peas and I wasn’t willing to roll the dice with pea shoots!)

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      The restaurant website should have, on the main page or one very obvious click away:
      • the street address, including state
      • the hours

      Now that I think about it, exactly the things that lead me to look up the restaurant on google maps rather than the restaurant’s own website, because google maps gets that “where are you relative to me?” and “what are your hours? are you open now?” are top questions, and “What is a sound track that conveys the vibe of the restaurant?” is way down.

      2. Ochre*

        And also if they have repeating food-related events: Monday night is the buffet at one of our favorite places, it’s Wednesday at another, plus weekday lunches at both but one of them actually does 7 days/week lunch. I want to come eat at your buffet! But I don’t remember when it is! (Obviously ditto other events like 2 for 1 drinks on Thursdays from 5 to 7 or whatever…if you do it every week, please put it on your website!)

      1. Angstrom*

        Typically a food service establishment contracts with Coke or Pepsi for their line of products. I think the contracts are exclusive so one can’t serve both.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Yup, and the Inquisition are a bunch of fumbling amateurs as compared to those corporate lawyers, believe me.

        2. Goldfeesh*

          Yes, but instead of just offering Diet Coke, offer also something like a Diet Barqs, Diet Sprite or Diet Cherry Coke. If places have Pepsi, usually only Diet Pepsi is offered, do a Diet Mountain Dew or a Diet Mug Root Beer. I understand not offering a lot, but give two choices.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      Print a menu on paper. I hate doing the phone scan of a QR code thing.

      Also, put a copy of your menu out front. When deciding where to eat, knowing what you offer and roughly how much it costs are important questions. I don’t want to come in and start an interaction and then be like “Oh, everything you serve is unappealing to me.” Let me decide that on the sidewalk.

      1. Nightengale*

        I can’t use a smart phone well enough to use a QR code. So I would not be able to eat alone at that restaurant

      2. My Brain is Exploding*

        Yes, when we lived in England every restaurant had a menu…WITH PRICES (yay)…posted in front of the restaurant. If I’m just wandering around somewhere trying to decide if someplace looks good to eat, that’s what I want. It irritates me when restaurants put their menus on their website and STILL don’t include prices!

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Luckily most of our local spots seem to have gotten the memo on printed menus. Nobody I know wants their phone clogged with tons of apps just to order a burger.

      4. Clara Bowe*

        I have gotten very comfortable saying “I don’t have a phone that can do that, I need a menu.” and DEAD STARING people in the face. I do feel bad for the servers, but I am so annoyed that the basic work of reading a menu has been offloaded onto me owning a phone with internet.

        I also hate tv-screen menus at walk-up places. I get that it is “easier” for price changes, but I miss the old menus with numbers on tracks. I am so, so tired of screens everywhere.

    14. Pet Peeves*

      If they don’t come by to refill water then complain if I ask for pitcher of water.

      If they disregard special requests

      If they give me a hard time about wanting my steak fully cooked instead of mooing, especially when I’m at an expensive steak house.

      If they tell me one thing if I call ahead to check and fo something else when I arrive.

      1. Harlowe*

        I try very hard to be an easy guest (server to server courtesy) but I LIT UP a waiter when he was snide to a family member about her steak order. She has severe autoimmune issues and is required by her specialists to eat meat well-done for safety. He acted like she has just failed the test to sit at the cool kid’s table, and I immediately involved a manager. You do not shame people for medical conditions, and especially not at their birthday dinner.

      2. Ctherocker*

        We stayed at the Chicago Hilton, the super fancy one on Michigan (?). We had a late night but the in hotel restaurant was still serving. My husband and daughter gave their order selections, I then requested a very well done steak (either filet mignon or NY strip) and the server said he had to clear it with the chef. He came back and told me the chef refused to cook it to my specifications because it was wrong. It ticked me off so bad! I told the server to just get me a burger and fries and tell chef to be sure my burger was well done. What a jack@$$ chef.

    15. Nightengale*

      When I ask for water without ice and I get water with ice

      I ask for the water without ice because I don’t like being cold. But also if I can’t get water the way I request it, I then start to wonder if they are then going to listen to any other requests I may have.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      I hate when waiters clear dishes as guests finish vs waiting for everyone to be done.
      Bread (or anything) that isn’t cut all the way through
      Super cold butter
      Green salad that you have to cut with a knife (there’s a reason there’s only a salad fork, not a salad knife, people)
      Super loud environment so you can’t hear the person sitting next to you. Wtf is up with that??
      Whole brussel sprouts that aren’t cooked all the way through so they turn into projectiles when you try to cut them

    17. Clisby*

      #1 is restaurants that are obnoxiously LOUD. And I’m not talking about just sports bars and the like. FFS, turn down (or off) the music and the TV feed. We have a whole list of restaurants we won’t patronize unless we can get outside seating, because that’s the only way they’re bearable.

    18. Girasol*

      I know a lot of people consider it a treat to dine in a fine restaurant, but the least bit of snootiness creeps me out. Formality is not my thing.

    19. red rose*

      When whatever they put as “decoration” on the dish is not listed on the menu and has a really strong flavour. Balsamic glaze and pesto are two notorious ones for savoury dishes, and chocolate sauce for desserts. I send it back if it wasn’t on the menu, as I don’t like those flavours. (Well, I like chocolate syrup ok but it has to be a good chocolate syrup and appropriate to the dish)

    20. Middle Aged Lady*

      Besides what others have mentioned, esp the noise, I don’t like to get a sloshed drink. A glass of wine with a little wine that spilled on the stem, a coffee that’s sloshed onto the saucer, and so on. Clean it up before you serve it, please! I worked as a server for 10 years, and I knew better than to do this. Servers who don’t know the menu. Being rushed. I don’t want my dinner to come while we are eating appetizers. Time your tickets!

  51. Classically Ambigous English Prepositional Phrase*

    For the landlords of AAM, how much do you care if your tenant’s behavior affects an adjoining property not owned by you? I’ve been tempted to contact my neighbor’s landlord because they leave their grill unattended in their very weedy front yard, but I’m also annoyed at their cigarette butts that end up in their yard and some of their noise, but the fire danger is the only thing that threatens the landlord’s property. Would you add the other issues, or does it just distract from the main issue?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m a live-in landlord so my tenant is going to annoy me before he annoys anyone else, but if my tenant is pissing off the property’s neighbors (reasonably, like yes, littering on their property and causing fire hazards etc, not “they left their trash bin down to the curb for an extra three minutes” or something stupid), then yeah, I want to know that so I can address it.

      Also potentially relevant factor: Are you able to contact the landlord because they specifically gave you contact info and said to let them know if there were issues, or do you otherwise know them separately? Or would you somehow be tracking them down unprompted for this? If the LL specifically said, here’s my email address/phone number, let me know if the tenants cause problems, then absolutely mention it for sure.

    2. keepsitonthedl*

      Personally, I think the tenancy act, and any other municiple bylaws, is a good barometer for action
      . The unattended grill is a bylaw breach, so I’d report this to the city directly and contact the landlord as a courtesey. The noise issue is more of a tenancy act thing, so I’d contact the landlord directly in hopes that they’d follow up with a written warning (and eventually an eviction if it came to that).

    3. Not your typical admin*

      As a landlord, I would want to know. The grill especially could be dangerous, and a weedy yard can cause issues.

  52. Classically Ambigous English Prepositional Phrase*

    That should be their cigarette butts in *my*yard. Though I assume they also have cigarette butts in their yard.

  53. noncommitally anonymous*

    *trigger warning* cancer

    My mom let me know on Wednesday that she’s been diagnosed with liver & breast cancer and will start chemo on Monday. Her birthday is Sunday. She’s known for 6 weeks, but just let my sister and I know.

    It turned out later that the breast cancer was a misdiagnosis, so it’s “only” liver cancer, but still…

    I’m….not coping well. Mom is 84, so the prognosis is …. not good. She’s decided to fight, and has excellent insurance (Dad is retired military), so I know her care will be good, and they have the means for good treatment.

    One of the biggest current issues is that Dad is resisting my sister and I coming to visit and help. We each live about 1200 miles from them, though 500 miles from one another. In response to us saying we want to come help, he says, “That’s my job.” Well, my father is 88. His memory is not great, though there’s no sign of Alzheimer’s, just normal aging memory loss. Their house is at least moderately hoarded, and mom has already been having issues with the stairs.

    I’m sorry – I’m babbling, but, like I said, I’m not coping well. Suggestions for support for my mom, given that I’m 1200 miles away and I’m being encouraged to NOT visit? Especially over hir birthday and Christmas, which has typically been a big deal in our family?

    1. Rainy*

      I’m so sorry–all of that sounds really hard. I don’t have any suggestions, but I am thinking good thoughts for you and for a good outcome for your mum.

    2. Observer*

      Oooh, that’s hard.

      It’s quite possible that the place she’s getting treatment also has some sort of support program in place. You could contact them and explain what you said here and ask for advice.
      They probably won’t be able to share specifics about your mother, but you can’t be the first people who have had this issue. And also, if the issue of your help comes up, it will be good for them to know that you guys actually *want* to come and help, so if your parents say things like “it’s too hard for them”, they will have the context.

    3. AmyK*

      I’m sorry, that sounds so hard.

      Do you think your dad might be more receptive if you focus on it being a social visit instead of offering help? Or maybe offering to pay for someone to do a big clean in advance “so he can focus mom” but might specifically relieve any fears he has about how the house looks when you visit?

    4. Workerbee*

      Visit them anyway, if you can.

      My mom can have the same kind of schtick about how she’s still the parent and I’m still the kid, so she won’t tell me things that she really damn well should, or want me to help.

      Well, that’s just too bad. Because I’m going to step in and do what I can while I still can. Because I _am_ an adult and not a powerless child.

      So yeah. Visit if you can, blow up their phones lines if you can’t, make them communicate with you. You get to be concerned, you get to act on this concern, and if they kick up a fuss, say they raised you right or otherwise you wouldn’t care.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I’d like to gently push back against this a little.

        As someone who, as an adult, basically got bullied by an adult family member into living with her while I was having an ongoing serious medical issue because she decided she was in charge of me medically, I can tell you that it sucked and that I no longer speak to her as a consequence. Did she help me some? Sure. Did she also ignore my autonomy and wishes to make *herself* feel better and like a super caregiver to such an extent that I no longer wish to have any relationship with her? Yep. This experience also made me not tell most of my family when I got cancer. It was much better to go through it alone than with them.

        I’ve also been the guilty party in this type of scenario by being very controlling myself when one of my parents was quite ill, which was extremely upsetting to my parent and did not ultimately contribute to a better medical outcome. It did not improve our relationship, though at the time, it made me feel like a *good* daughter.

        I’m not saying one can’t help or be supportive — more that one might want to listen very carefully to the kind of help and support that a parent does or doesn’t want and respectfully honor that as much as possible. One of the worst things about getting older is that people don’t listen to us or respect our wishes as much anymore. We’ll all be older ourselves someday (knock wood!), and I feel like we should respect our older relatives’ wishes as much as we would like our own wishes to be respected when that time comes for us.

        1. Shiny Penny*

          You bring up a lot of really good points, Squirrel Nutkin.
          “Helping” a loved one in a medical crisis (or any crisis, really) needs to be an exercise in **supporting** them, not taking over. I think of it as trying to be the very best executive assistant ever (including a good facsimile of “and read their mind, too!” because the people I’ve helped have been close friends and family).
          I focus on noticing their goals and discretely facilitating— be it food, drink, chores, etc— but let them set the goals! Make it easy for them to ask you to do stuff (it is really really hard to be the one asking for help). Be very leery of initiating anything they haven’t expressed an interest in (like de-bulking the clutter! lol don’t do it!).
          Especially don’t do anything to undermine their autonomy or their dignity. In medical appointments, for instance, “I’m just here to take the notes” — not to take over, because I am not in charge. If they want to go to the grocery store because dammit they want to pick their own head of lettuce, then offer to drive, and carry the bags if that’s the help they actually want.

          Help **them** feel in charge of everything possible, because there’s nothing like a medical crisis to make a person feel like they’ve lost all their power. (Yes, personal experience talking.)
          Also, your point about elderly people too often not having their wishes respected is huge. The power to consent (or not) is not age-dependent.
          And personal autonomy is not health-conditional.
          I want “my people” to know that they are beloved, and also to know that I see them as autonomous competent adults. So I’m glad you brought this up, because a discussion about how and whether to help people would not be complete without attending to this facet of the topic.

    5. Shiny Penny*

      I would also say to visit them if you can, if you have a “regular” type of decent parent child relationship (a big caveat for some, but I think most people have an accurate feel by this age).
      Possibly helpful anecdote— my mom’s partner had a terminal illness, but passed unexpectedly while still undergoing treatment. Mom called to tell me. I said I was coming right over and would be there in 10 minutes — and she seriously told me not to come! “Because there’s nothing to do but wait for the funeral home people to arrive. It will just interrupt your day for no reason.”
      I said some casual thing about how I wasn’t busy and didn’t have anything else going on so I was just gonna mosey over. (!!!) I will always be glad that I knew better than to obey her in that situation. She was just in shock, and not able think clearly.
      In the big picture, I think there is often a tendency towards denial on everybody’s part when trauma happens. And a strong “I can handle this, everything is fine” protective reflex. Probably each member of your family is in shock in different ways, not just your dad, which makes clarity even harder to find.
      But later, will you want to remember “coming together” as the thing that happened in the face of this challenge? Even if your Dad is prickly. You can be respectful of his role, and still recognize that the situation may quickly surpass his current abilities. (And still recognize that he doesn’t really get to speak for your Mom here, and tell you kids not to come.) And also, this is not the time to skimp-out on established family birthday and Christmas traditions!
      “I need to come over and give you a hug in person, so I’ll be there Tuesday.”
      Sending good thoughts to you all.

    6. AnonRN*

      Go visit, not to “help” but because you want to see them. Book a hotel and rent a car so they don’t have to host you and you have some private space. (I know in some families this is unheard-of but I do think it’s a good idea if you can afford it.) While there, actively focus on just being with them. Do Christmas and birthday stuff, eat food you all like, etc. Don’t focus on the medical stuff unless they want to talk about it–I don’t actually think they “owe” anyone this information (frustrating as that feels) and a gentle touch may get more info from them anyway. Let your Dad do his stuff his way; that’s what will happen after you leave anyway, but it will probably help you spot areas of concern that you may need to intervene on later.

      A friend recently had a parent with a serious diagnosis and kinda felt she shouldn’t go visit? because she wasn’t sure how she could help? I told her she should go if she wanted to see them, it didn’t need to be with any other purpose in mind, it was okay for her to want to see her parent! So if you need permission, here it is.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think I agree with this. If it were me, I would go. This is a special time with your mom and none of us know how many more of those we will get in this life. Your father can decline to host you, that’s fine and that’s his right, but he doesn’t control where you travel and he can’t keep you out of his town if you want to come. I hope he will let you have some time together, it could be out of the house or just sitting with her at her appointment, and you won’t regret that time.

    7. Generic Name*

      If your dad was raised anything like my husband was raised, he likely feels that it’s his job to care for and protect his wife and children. So I agree with other posters that you can frame your visit as a desire to see your mom.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Sometimes you have to railroad your parents.

      After all, it may be your dad’s “job” to help your mom, but who’s helping him do it? He needs you and just can’t admit it, because he wants everything to be normal. But of course, it just isn’t.

      Best wishes to all of you.

      1. Observer*

        Sometimes you have to railroad your parents.

        No!

        Unless Dad is incompetent or actually neglects Mom, no! Railroading people is not the right thing to do.

        The poster has gotten some good advice. But this advice is not good. Railroading people is not supportive. It only *looks* supportive.

    9. Ginger Cat Lady*

      They could also be worried about “I can’t have them drop everything and come! That’s what people do when they are DYING and I’m not gonna die! I don’t want people to act like they think I’m going to die!”
      I know that’s what I’ve seen play out in other families.

    10. Flower*

      Of course you aren’t coping well — you just got serious news. And you aren’t babbling at all.

      This is reallllllly hard stuff, I am sorry you are going through this.

      Follow your instincts. I like the suggestion someone made above — if you go visit, stay at a hotel. That will take pressure off Dad and everyone. Do NOT clean up their house unless Mom or Dad (or both) give you permission — if they are hoarders this will make things (emotionally) so much worse. You can clean around the edges when they aren’t looking, but don’t attempt anything big.

      Take as good care of yourself as possible. I know that’s hard.

      We internet strangers are rooting for you, your mom, and your whole family.

    11. MJ*

      I had a similar situation recently when my mom went into the hospital then had to have an emergency pacemaker fitted urgently.

      My dad kept telling me I didn’t need to be there, that he was fine. I simply told him that *I* wasn’t fine and needed to be there for my peace of mind. After mom was released and back home, he thanked me for being there with him. He may not have “needed” me there – but it was reassuring.

      So go to see and spend time with your parents, not “help”. And if you do happen to do stuff while you are there, well it’s because you need something to occupy yourself so you don’t dwell on things. :)

      Remember, while you may be THEIR child, you are not A child. You can make decisions that are best for you that may not be the decisions they would make.

      Sending healing thoughts to you and your family.

      1. MJ*

        Oh, to clarify – by “doing stuff” while you are there, I meant along the lines of cooking or running errands, not clearing out the moderate hoard. Don’t try to make any big changes to things – there’s enough going on in all your lives right now.

    12. KB*

      You could try
      “I will worry too much if I’m not allowed to help. I need to be there for me, not for you.”
      This worked with my parents. YMMV.

    13. Middle Aged Lady*

      It helped my dad for me to say, yes, you are in charge of her care, and I want to be there to help you do that, not take over. And you can care for her better if the little things are off your plate. Let me cook, run to the pharmacy, take well-wishers phone calls and give them updates.

  54. Wondering about outdoor humidity*

    I was looking at my local weather forecast for Monday, and it calls for very high humidity all day — with 3 non-consecutive hours predicted to have 100% humidity — but no rain. So then, what is the humidity when it’s raining? How can you have 100% humidity but no rain? This confuses the heck out of me.

    Is there something I could read that would clarify this in layperson terms? Hopefully the explanation would not involve the concept of dew point, which remains mysterious to me after several attempts to read up on it.

    1. Roland*

      My understanding is that the humidity in the forecast is something like “the air is holding X percent of the water it can hold given the temperature”. That’s what stood out to me when I asked someone recently, it’s not “100 percent water 0 percent air”, it’s a capacity thing. I think.

      Meanwhile I assume rain has to do with conditions higher up, not down where we are.

      Take this all like you would from a friend at a party and not from an encyclopedia :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        As another friend at the party, I am nodding and putting my fingertip on the end of my nose to indicate agreement with this explanation. :)

      2. mittens*

        This is correct.
        The humidity when it’s raining can be less, because the rain is coming from higher up, and falling due to gravity. The humidity when it’s *foggy* is damn near 100% – that’s what the water vapour does – it collects together and becomes opaque, and hence fog. The amount of water vapour that air can hold is dependent on temperature (colder temp hold less water vapour), so if you have (say) warm air at 80% humidity, and suddenly made the air colder, the humidity would increase and you might well form rain.

      3. Angstrom*

        Correct. What is normally reported is relative humidity, which is a percentage of the full capacity of the air to hold moisture(water vapor) at a given temperature.
        Air is fully saturated when it is in equalibrium with liquid water — it is evaporating and condensing at the same rate. If you seal a container partly full of liquid water the air in that container will eventually reach saturation, or 100% relative humidity.
        Warm air can hold more water vapor than cold air. As air cools the relative humidity increases.

    2. Former Floridian but not an expert*

      The air is basically saturated with moisture, and none of that moisture gets to escape from the air by condensing on stuff.

      Related note: The dew point is just how cold it has to be for moisture from the air to condense on stuff. If you leave out a glass of ice water, the “sweat” that forms on the glass is just moisture drawn from the air around it. The surface of the drinking glass is cold enough (below the “dew point”) so the moisture condenses into liquid water. If the dew point is low, it takes a really cold surface to draw out water that way. If the dew point is high, there are more naturally occurring surfaces that draw out moisture from the air and the air gets less humid.

      1. allathian*

        And if you’ve ever been to a hot (80 C/176 F at least) Finnish sauna and thrown water on the hearth, the heat you feel is from the water vapor condensing on the coolest surface in the room, your skin. Thermodynamically it’s the reverse of what happens when you sweat to cool down.

  55. Jackalope*

    Okay, absolute zero stakes question. Yesterday I bought a black light to look for undiscovered cat pee in our house (truly fascinating, if gross, use of a black light!). Last night I went into our bathroom and with the black light the walls were covered with drips from, presumably, condensation from showers and baths and such. (For certain it was not all from cats, unless our geriatric cats are capable of truly astonishing feats of flexibility to spray the ceiling.) Anyone know what would be in the water that would cause that?

    (As a side note, it was much more fun than I’d anticipated wandering around the house with a black light. Highly recommend for a spot of minor amusement.)

    1. Angstrom*

      Fun! You might try outdoors. I read of a place outside Vegas offering night desert tours with a black light so one could see all the scorpions that flouresce under UV.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Having just gone through this, what I learned is that a lot of cleaning products show whitish under black light, so you could literally be seeing residue from that. I’m glad I looked this up as I thought for a minute that everything everwhere had been peed on lol.

    4. Zona the Great*

      It’s called surfactant leaching which occurs in humidity. It’s in all paint regardless of quality. I have to do a monthly cleaning if my bathroom walls using a magic eraser mop.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t want to do that in my apartment because it has . . . a history. 0_0

      On the other hand, it COULD help me find mouse trails that may lead to openings I missed.

      1. anon24*

        Using a black light as a renter is both fascinating and horrifying. I did it to help me track down some cat urine smells and now all I want to know is what on earth were the previous tenants doing in here??

    7. Girasol*

      I swear I’ve seen paint that’s been in a steamy bathroom get oddly weepy. Is it that? Little golden droplets?

  56. JukeBox*

    To the daughter of Aging Parents on the Edge:
    I hear you. Empathy from my similar experience. My advice: I agree with the others: Do not back off BUT do not invade.
    1) Old Military Dad: mine too. He cannot share certain parts of himself (fears) with you. His job (taking care of Mom) is his dignity. Don’t take that away. Try using military language/metaphors (muster/mobilize the troops, hunker down etc.). If you are female, try the “girl stuff/women’s connection” explanation to let him let you be with Mom. This appeals to his generational mindset.
    2)The hoard: mine too. My case extreme, both parents separate in their parents’ house. Don’t touch it now. It will feel invasive to them and they won’t tell you that. Just be there emotionally for them. There will be a time when you can throw away their stupid bread-tie collection. It is not now. I know your fingers are itching to do something physical and get in there and take control. Resist. OK to ask about it but don’t touch. It’s theirs and they are still here.
    3)Sister: try to get on the same page. Parents want you two agree with each other but not so much so that you gang up on them. Can you take turns being there? Or would it be better at least now, all at once?
    4)Cancer: Investigate local support for them AND for you. There are lots of organizations for this hated-disease. In my experience the beginning of the treatment was not the worst part.
    5)Stress: This IS hard. Whatever you do, it is your best effort and it is good enough. Prepare for forgetting your keys and things just not flowing. Find your support. Most likely there will be moments when somebody says something insensitive, unbelievable and inappropriate – it might even be you.
    My best wishes to you.

    1. Flower*

      Jukebox, this is so wise and compassionate. But possibly the OP may not see it as it didn’t nest under their comment. Might you repost under their comment?

      1. noncommitally anonymous*

        I’m here and I saw it. Thank you, this was extremely valuable. I’ve thus far managed to broker peace by pointing out that treatment has not yet begun, so we don’t know how it’s going to go. Let’s wait and not try to make plans too far in advance. This has seemed to calm the waters between my father and my sister; their relationship is particularly contentious.

  57. Elizabeth West*

    Those of you who live in the US and have renewed a passport, what do you do with the old one?

    I was checking online and they used to punch a hole in it when they returned it, but they didn’t do that to mine. The newest visa in it was from 2015 and was only for six months (UK). It was expired when I sent it in for renewal, so I suppose they would know that. Somehow I thought they’d keep it.

    A poster on a travel forum said they take their old one with them when they travel abroad just in case they lose the good one, so it can serve as ID to get an emergency replacement. Would this actually be something you could do? I live in fear of being stuck somewhere if an artful dodger managed to yoink mine.

    I’ve never renewed one before — I had one when I first went to London years ago, but I had to start over when I went back because it had been too long, so I don’t know.

    2. MissB*

      Have you renewed yet?

      I did my renewal online a few weeks ago – just over 3 and a half weeks ago. You don’t send them anything; it’s all electronically processed. You take a photo and submit it, pay with a credit card and don’t send in a single thing.

      They deactivate your existing passport during the renewal process.

      I got my new passport in 3.5 weeks. (Also, my previous passport expired in 2019, so I didn’t even have a valid one anymore).

      I will stick my old passport with my previous version.

      2. Just here for the scripts*

        Only certain ones can be done online—ones from 2009 – 2015.

        The new one has a different passport number from the old one. I don’t imagine that the old one would help if you lost the new one overseas.

    3. Just a name*

      My old passports are in a drawer. I have some cool stamps from different countries in them. (Favorites include Goat Haunt USA and Macchu Picchu). I just did the online renewal and it was fast and easy. The old one was set to expire in February. When I travel I bring a photocopy of my passport in case I lose the passport. I still don’t like handing over my passport in those countries that require it when checking in to a hotel.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      Mine are in a drawer. But my expired ones all do have the hole punched. Haven’t had to renew since 2018. I was told it can be good to have the older ones if you ever loose the most recent one, not while actively traveling tho, more like when it’s time to renew/try to get a new one. It might not be that was anymore though. But at some point a zillion years ago I recall having lost the one that needed renewing and brought something like my previous three to an in-person appointment.

    5. Decidedly Me*

      I’m keeping mine as I have a visa that’s still active. Once that’s expired, I’ll still keep it for the stamps :)

    6. acmx*

      It’s recommended to make a photo copy (I assume in color) and/or take a digital photo of you passport in case of loss. The passport numbers change for each book.

      I also carry an actual passport photo as you’ll need it for an emergency passport.

      I regret not getting the card, too, to carry as identification (even though it doesn’t have the same use).

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, I always make a photocopy and a picture. I didn’t think of carrying the extra photo. That’s a good idea. It’s a horrible picture of me, though, haha.

        I don’t have a Real ID because the RMV lady said I didn’t have enough documents. So I figured I’d better get this thing renewed, since I was planning to visit family and my boss said she wanted me to come to their office at some point so I could meet them in person –it’s in another state. (Also in case I suddenly have to flee for being an outspoken critic of certain people.)

    7. Kaleidoscope*

      mine is a UK one, they snipped off a corner on one of the pages. I had it in a drawer for ages but I think I eventually put it into the confidential waste bin at work.

    8. Middle Aged Lady*

      Mine is in a drawer somewhere!
      For replacement if lost abroad, what I do is copy the first pages with the pertinent info on them. Leave one copy with a friend at home and take the other, but don’t keep it in the same place as my passport.

    9. Roland*

      I don’t think you need to bring it anywhere for backup, but definitely keep it. You never know when old records like that will come in useful – speaking from experience.

  58. Hershey Kiss Shaped Rock*

    When I was a child, I grew up near some sort of factory or refinery or…something in northeastern Colorado. The kids (now adults) with whom I grew up and I all remember there being these slate-like rocks in a perfect round pyramid shape resembling a Hershey kiss and the exact size of one. They were all over the adjoining properties of the factory. They were brown in color and very smooth. When I google these terms, nothing comes close. Has anyone ever encountered such a thing? It would have been on a rail spur if that matters.

        1. Jay*

          I used to collect rocks.
          In fact, I still go out from time to time.
          I happened to remember something vaguely from a museum display some years ago. Then I just did a bit of googling.

          1. Shiny Penny*

            A wonderfully mysterious question, and a fascinating answer.
            And also— 17 minutes! Is it an AAM record? :)

            1. Sloanicota*

              I remember another delightful exchange where someone posed a few lyrics from a foreign song they had learned as a child (Swiss or Finnish or something) trying to find the rest of it, and multiple people responded, some with the name, the whole lyrics, a handy translation, and a youtube video of traditional singers – it was so charming!

          2. Zona the Great*

            Thanks Jay! If these were tumbling rocks of some sort, they had to have been unused because these were ask perfect looking and freshly driven snow!

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