my coworker won’t stop telling me that I smell

by Alison Green on October 14, 2024

I’m off today. This was originally published in 2017.

A reader writes:

I enjoy wearing perfume, but tend to stick to indie oil scents, since the smell tends to stick closer to my skin (so, in theory, I don’t bother my coworkers) and also because I seem to be sensitive to the alcohol that a lot of spray perfumes use. I also tend to use unscented deodorant and laundry detergent; I really dislike how “chemical-y” scented products like this tend to be.

About a month ago, one of my coworkers told me that the perfume I was wearing bothered her. I work closely with her, so I immediately apologized and washed it off, and haven’t worn any of my perfume since. I don’t have a huge wardrobe, so most if not all of my office-appropriate clothes have been washed since then, so I’m pretty sure that there are no lingering traces hanging on.

My problem is that this coworker is now complaining constantly about the perfume I’m not wearing! She even went to my manager, who pulled me aside and asked me about things like deodorant and bath products. I’ve tried to explain to my coworker that basically nothing I use is scented anymore, but she makes exaggerated sniffing noises and says things like, “Oh, patchouli AGAIN?” when I get near her. (Again, I am not wearing ANY perfume, my deodorant is unscented, I shower every morning and my body wash is lightly lemon scented and doesn’t stick around.) It’s reached the point where it feels like juvenile bullying and I honestly don’t know what to do.

Do four things:

1. Stop using the lemon-scented body wash for a few days and see if she keeps making the comments. It’s possible that it’s lingering in a way that you don’t realize. And if the comments don’t stop, then you can legitimately say that you have cut out all scented products and it hasn’t changed anything.

2. Say this to the coworker: “Jane, since you raised this issue, I have stopped wearing any scented products to work, and I have washed all of my work clothes in unscented laundry detergent. There shouldn’t be any fragrances lingering around. I can’t think of anything else that I can do. Is there something else you’re hoping I’ll try? If not, I need you to stop commenting about something that I can’t do anything about. At this point, it feels like I’m being harassed for fragrances that I’m not wearing and I want you to stop.”

You could also say, “If you’re suffering from fragrance sensitivity, you should talk to (manager) or HR about what accommodations they can offer. But I need you to stop the constant comments about me.”

3. Say this to your boss: “Ever since Jane mentioned a month ago that a perfume I was wearing bothered her, I’ve made a big effort to ensure I’m not wearing anything scented around her. I’ve stopped wearing perfume, have switched to unscented deodorant, and I wash my clothes in unscented detergent. And of course I shower daily. Yet every time she’s near me she complains about the fragrances she says I’m wearing. I’m not, and I’ve told her I’m not. I’m not sure what else I can do. I’ve asked her to stop, and I’d like to ask you to intervene if it continues, because it’s becoming disruptive, and frankly at this point her continued complaints are starting to feel like harassment.”

(To be clear, this doesn’t sound like harassment in the legal sense — that would need to be based on race, sex, religion, or another protected characteristic — but it’s certainly harassing in the colloquial sense.)

4. If your coworker continues the comments after these conversations, then at that point, say this: “Clearly this isn’t something we can resolve on our own. Should we go talk to (manager) or HR together and resolve this once and for all?”

And then do that, because it’s reasonable for you not to want to be subjected to this. Even if she has legitimate fragrance sensitivities — and some people do, although it’s not clear if that’s really what’s going on with her or not — this isn’t the way for her to handle it.

2017 note to commenters: There have been loads of suggestions below for additional ways the letter-writer could tackle potential scents and stamp them out. I’m going to ask that we stop with those suggestions now and instead focus on how she should deal with the coworker, which I think will be more helpful to her. At this point, the issue is that she has a coworker who’s being rude and snarky to her, not that she should just stop using bubble bath on weekends or so forth.

2024 note to readers: You’ll want to read the update to this one.

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{ 92 comments }

{ 92 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. SHEILA, the co-host*

    If the LW is still around, I’d love to know if co-worker came back to work after maternity leave and if so, if her nose issues were greatly resolved or if she returned to being a bit of a bully.

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      1. BlueCactus*

        But the LW’s coworker wasn’t even bothered! It just amused her to upset LW, which is wildly out of line.

        Reply ↓
    1. lost academic*

      It was my first thought halfway through the post originally, so it didn’t surprise me at all! But I’m glad it was true.

      Reply ↓
    1. Good Lord Ratty*

      Does it? The coworker admitted that she had been purposely bullying the LW. What’s so great about that? It’s nice that the LW seemed relatively unbothered in the end, but it really isn’t ok for someone to go to great lengths to accommodate a colleague, only for the colleague to engage in deliberate gaslighting and (colloquial sense) harassment. Not very… collegial.

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      2. Observer*

        but it really isn’t ok for someone to go to great lengths to accommodate a colleague, only for the colleague to engage in deliberate gaslighting and (colloquial sense) harassment. Not very… collegial.

        True.

        What made *me* happy about that is that the LW’s supervisor called the CW for her behavior.

        The LW says that “Manager has talked to her about not taunting the coworkers.” *That* is a good outcome!

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      4. HB*

        Yes, it does which is why I said it. How about you not question other people’s reactions just because they differ from yours?

        Reply ↓
  4. Adam*

    That update is wild. Not just the revelation (go read!), but the fact that she wasn’t actually bothered by the smell, she was just winding up OP! What a jerk!

    Reply ↓
    1. mango chiffon*

      Yeah, the fact that op was going well out of her way to accommodate the coworker and the coworker was just purposely making a big deal out of it really sucks.

      Reply ↓
    2. pally*

      Yeah! Doesn’t it bother this co-worker at all that the OP went to great lengths to ‘de-scent’ themselves when it wasn’t ever an issue for them?

      With situations like this, I wonder about it being a way to get someone they don’t like to maybe get moved to a different job or even quit their job.

      Reply ↓
      1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

        There was a letter from someone whose co-worker did exactly that. He didn’t think women belonged in the industry they were in, and he couldn’t bear sharing an office with a woman. So he loaded up on beans and cabbage. Everyone else seemed to be pulling up lawn chairs, because repeated requests/pleas for her to change offices, or him to change, or anything that would allow her to breathe, were brushed off. And after she finally changed jobs, he admitted to everyone else that the whole thing was deliberate, and woohoo, he finally ran her off. ::head explodes::

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    3. Sunflower*

      Yeah, I was thinking “Aw. The poor lady with such scent sensitivity and now she’s pregnant to make it worse” until I got to the end. I wouldn’t accommodate her anymore if I was the OP. I’m not saying to start wearing perfume again but use normal/lightly scented stuff like shampoo and stuff.

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      1. The Nose Knows*

        I can see an office adopting a no-perfume policy.

        However, it is unreasonable to ask that OP use unscented body wash in the shower, or even unscented laundry detergent. Those are personal decisions. If another employee is *that* scensitive, it’s time to ask for an accommodation.

        Reply ↓
        1. FunkyMunky*

          yeah we are technically that but I was also in a situation where my detergent was scrutinized so I just pretended it’s not me they are smelling. Like come on, personal care items are where I dry the hard line. Especially because this person took public transit to work, went to shops and restaurants and nail salons and apparently that’s all fine but my smell was too much

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      2. Good Lord Ratty*

        I think it’s fine to have a no perfume/cologne policy, but asking everyone to use only unscented personal hygiene/laundry/cleaning products is excessive. I hope OP started using the products they actually like to use again. (Especially because lemon and patchouli smell NOTHING alike, which made me suspicious from the jump.)

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      4. Filofaxes*

        I’d seriously be thinking to myself, “hmm yeah, either I won’t be here when you get back from maternity–because I have a new job–or you better not come back from maternity leave. If only because I can’t make the company fire you while you’re on maternity leave because duh. WTF, Trixie.”

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    5. nekosan*

      Yeah, things like that make it much harder for everyone who IS having legitimate issues due to scents. “My perfume doesn’t give you a migraine; you obviously just hate me and can’t even smell it. I’m going to spray it all over your cubicle to prove it.” So. Many. Days. Of. Pain.
      Can’t we all just act like reasonable adults?

      Reply ↓
    6. Elle*

      It’s insane to me that someone would create an issue for someone else over straight up nothing. That coworker would not get the benefit of the doubt from me ever again.

      Reply ↓
  5. Cassandra*

    The update makes total sense, but the OP’s coworker was still a jackass because she enjoyed watching poor OP freak out on purpose!

    Reply ↓
  7. Momma Bear*

    That’s a wild turn of events. I’m glad the coworker was talked to about taunting people – if it didn’t truly bother her and she was just trying to get a rise out of someone, that’s terrible behavior. And, honestly, I hope she took that lesson to heart and doesn’t torment her child the same way.

    Reply ↓
  8. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

    This kinda pissed me off. Coworker was deliberately (by her own admission) being antagonistic. I am glad everyone thought it was funny and I am glad that the OP got a gift card. Still annoyed me that it took getting to this point though.

    Reply ↓
  9. A Simple Narwhal*

    Woof I think a bad update is hidden behind a good one.

    “She was just being kind of a jerk with the sniffing thing, even though she can smell it, it doesn’t bother her and she said she thought it was funny to watch me freak out. Manager has talked to her about not taunting the coworkers.”

    Like that’s great that she’s very happy about being pregnant, but she purposely lied because she liked upsetting LW? And she apparently does this on the regular to other coworkers? I’d be very interested to hear what happened with her behavior after the initial joy wore off.

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    1. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      Some women are not very ‘glowy’ when they are pregnant lol. I myself was never a ray of sunshine but I didn’t do anything like this.

      Reply ↓
      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Ha I never felt glowy during my pregnancy, just some combination of exhausted, swollen, or nauseous. But despite feeling awful I never took delight in the suffering of others! And even when I was trying to get pregnant, I might have been sad at the unsuccessful attempts but I never put that on others or used that as an excuse to be a jerk. I’ve also had friends go through long painful years of infertility and stressful fertility treatments and they weren’t ever jerks either.

        I think the pregnancy is a red herring and the coworker was just a mean person.

        Reply ↓
      3. Emmy Noether*

        I thought ‘glowy’ for pregnant women referred to looks? For some women, pregnancy can make the skin clearer, the cheeks redder and the hair fuller – like a real-life Instagram filter. I don’t know ANY woman that became a ray of sunshine during pregnancy, mood-wise (I’m sure they exist, but… rarely?). Most aren’t cruel or jerky, mind you, just normal verging on cranky and tired.

        Reply ↓
    2. Dek*

      Yeah, telling someone they smell just to upset them is seriously mean. And then OP bent over backwards to try and accommodate her by not using things she liked.

      Just…I don’t get it.

      Reply ↓
        1. Elle*

          Honestly, personal hygiene and scent has the potential to be so fraught that I think messing with someone about it is on another level of messed up. I don’t know why she would do that to her coworker beyond simply enjoying others’ discomfort.

          Reply ↓
      1. I Have RBF*

        Seriously.

        I am actually very sensitive to artificial fragrances, as in coughing to the point I can’t get a breath in, as well as the headaches and watering eyes. We won’t talk about what wearing clothes with stinkum from the laundry does to me.

        But if it’s not affecting me? Then I have nothing to complain about! As long as your laundry detergent isn’t so thick with scent that it wafts three feet from your person, I shouldn’t notice it. If I smell your perfume but it doesn’t aggravate my issues, I will just enjoy it (many high end, essential oil based perfumes, like from BPAL, don’t aggravate my sensitivities, fortunately.)

        The conclusion that comes out of this harassment from a coworker might be that all ‘fragrance sensitive’ people are bullies, and it’s not true. This kind of crap makes dealing with actual sensitivities harder, IMO.

        Reply ↓
    4. Observer*

      But the *really* good update is that the Manger actually talked to her about her behavior. That tells me that she’s actually pretty decent.

      Because, yeah, CW was being a real jerk.

      Reply ↓
  10. Strive to Excel*

    Persistent and unidentified smells and tastes are absolutely maddening! I was recently on a short course of antivirals. One of the listed side affects was “metallic taste in mouth”, and only about ~12% of people get that one. So naturally that’s a side effect I had. For nearly a week, my mouth tasted like I’d licked the sole of my shoe and there was nothing I could do that helped. Not brushing my teeth, not chewing gum, nothing whatsoever. By the end of the week I was ready to start a hot sauce challenge in the hope of getting my taste buds to knock it off.

    Reply ↓
      1. Artemesia*

        the taste was so gross that the second time i had COVID I just didn’t get Paxlovid — I am very old but very well vaxed and had a very light case. The taste was just so gross that I didn’t want to go through that again.

        Reply ↓
      3. Dry Erase Aficionado*

        Same! I ate a steady stream of Hot Tamales. One at a time, slowly, all day every day. It was the only thing that helped, and I haven’t been able to look at them in the 2 years since then.

        Reply ↓
    2. Dahlia*

      I was in the hospital for a bit on IVs and I am one of the people who can taste it when they flush your IV. Absolutely bizarre experience.

      Reply ↓
        2. Elitist Semicolon*

          I recently had a contrast dye procedure and I could absolutely taste it. It wasn’t pleasant but at least it wasn’t outright disgusting either.

          Reply ↓
    3. Bruce*

      My wife is getting her ear zapped for skin cancer, and she gets a metallic taste in her mouth for a day or so after the treatment. Still better than having skin cancer though!

      Reply ↓
  11. Lady Lessa*

    For curious nerds, like myself. Archeologists found some ancient Roman perfume bottles, had their favorite analytical chemists work on the residue in side and found patchouli.

    Link is in the next posting.

    Reply ↓
    1. Sunflower*

      Except in this case, the smell no longer bother the coworker. Per the update, she just thought it was funny to keep winding the OP up.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        Actually, per the LW, the scent was not even coming from them. *And* whatever it was, the CW didn’t care and was just being a jerk.

        Reply ↓
    2. Consonance*

      I also generally take issue with the idea that scents like Patchoulli are less strong or less bothersome. My husband and I bought a chair off of one of his friends who was moving, someone who wears Patchoulli regularly, and two years later I can still smell a whiff of it every time I sit down in the chair. I’m lucky it doesn’t specifically bother me, but it’s noticeable and I’d rather it not be wafting at me so frequently.

      Reply ↓
      1. MsM*

        Yeah, I’m surprised. I think of patchouli as a heavier scent. Maybe it’s just used that way in most of the perfumes I run across.

        Reply ↓
        1. Good Lord Ratty*

          The LW never actually said they even wore patchouli; that’s just what their coworker accused them of doing.

          Reply ↓
        2. ScruffyInternHerder*

          I have come to accept that patchouli is the cilantro of the scent world – you like it or you don’t. There is no in between and there’s no fathoming the opposite. (I’m in the “this makes me sneeze for days category”, sorry guys!)

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          1. jane's nemesis*

            It smells like gasoline to me! I have never understood how anyone can want it anywhere near them, so I am happy to hear this theory.

            Reply ↓
            1. Catagorical*

              Love cilantro, hate and medium allergic to patchouli. Love jasmine and medium allergic to it. That’s harder.

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    3. Antilles*

      Perhaps, but if the perfume scent is already embedded in the clothing and won’t come out in the wash, what else can OP really do? It’s not a reasonable ask for OP to go out and buy a new work wardrobe.
      In this case, just so happened that OP had some long-stored clothes which were perfume free but what if that wasn’t the case and she just had the same ~20 or so work outfits that she rotates through, all of which have that embedded perfume scent?

      Reply ↓
      1. AMS*

        whenever I’ve had ingrained scents in clothes (usually stuff I’ve bought second hand) I will soak in a bucket with water and baking soda. If it isnt too bad I’ll just chuck some baking soda in the washing machine. The last top I bought I am still able to smell the previous owners perfume after doing this twice, but I’ve never had anythign else be this persistent.

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    4. Observer*

      perfume scent can get embedded in clothing no matter how much you wash it.

      Except that’s not what was going on here. When the whether changed, the LW was wearing stuff that had never had that scent, and they also had *two* different people do a sniff test. So, yeah, if the CW was smelling something, it did not have anything to do with the LW’s (former) perfume.

      Reply ↓
    5. Delta Delta*

      This is true. There was a guy at my gym who had a smell that I swear you could smell from the parking lot. His clothes always appeared to be clean, but they were some kind of fabric that apparently could trap smells for eternity. I’d see him in other places in the community in other clothes – no smell. At the gym in his gym clothes – a smell like no other. It was 100% his clothes.

      Reply ↓
  13. Cabbagepants*

    what an awful, unhinged coworker. people should never be sniffed (!!) or interrogated about their hygiene products by colleagues.

    Reply ↓
    1. That Crazy Cat Lady*

      I can understand if someone is truly bothered by it, i.e. getting headaches, allergic, etc.

      But in this case, it turned out that the smell didn’t bother coworker at all, and she was just pretending it did because she thought it was funny to wind LW up about it. That’s just…bizarre.

      Reply ↓
      1. Roland*

        If you have to purposefully sniff your coworker to tell if they exude a smell then they don’t exude enough of a smell for it to matter because you could just. Not get close enough to sniff them.

        Reply ↓
  14. Bad Wolf*

    I was a patchouli hippie college student for a while. When I finally got bored with it (when I lost out on a potential boyfriend who couldn’t stand it), it took over a year to get the smell out of everything I owned. It was in my skin pores, in my hair. Stuff is relentless.
    But I’m glad to hear OP’s problem got solved quicker.

    Reply ↓
      1. Jeanine*

        Same here. I love the smell of patchouli and use it all the time, and when my clothes are washed it’s gone it doesn’t linger in any way.

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        1. Bad Wolf*

          It lingers. You’re just desensitized. I thought the same while I used it regularly.
          But if you love it, keep wearing it. There’s no harm.

          Reply ↓
        2. Emmy Noether*

          I don’t mind patchouli, but it liiiiiiingers. My aunt once gave me some clothes she was no longer wearing, and I could smell the patchouli on them for a good dozen wears/washes when pulling over my head. Longer on the synthetics.

          It’s normal to go noseblind on lower doses of one’s own smell.

          Reply ↓
        3. Coin_Operated*

          It lingers, you just can’t smell it. To each, their own, but patchouli has to be one of the worst smells of all time, right up there with garbage, road kill, and sewage.

          Reply ↓
  17. Turingtested*

    How people smell is off limits for jokes in my opinion. just too sensitive of a topic. Like jokes about how many kids someone has or weight there are some things that shouldn’t be made light of at work.

    Reply ↓
  19. CeeBee*

    uh – after reading the update, preggo co-worker should have been written up. She thought it was funny to watch LW try to figure out the cause of the (non)smell? not cool

    Reply ↓
  20. carrot cake*

    I can’t stand it when people weave a web just for the pure pleasure of watching gleefully as as unsuspecting and especially underserving people struggle their way out of it. I mean, hell, get a damn life.

    That would be a write-up by me if I were that ass co-worker’s manager, with one and only one warning before termination.

    Reply ↓
  21. MicroManagered*

    The update on this one is wild. I had to read it twice to catch that the coworker ADMITTED she there was no smell and she was deliberately bullying OP on purpose? And she got a “talking to” about it?! I know this one’s old but if it were recent I’d be telling OP to escalate this with their grandboss and HR — not one or the other, BOTH!

    IDGAF who is pregnant, you can’t just tell your coworker they smell every day to screw with their head. OMG!!

    Reply ↓
    1. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

      This reminds me of the AITA on Reddit where the husband kept going on and on about how much his wife stank, totally gaslighting her and making her feel awful, desperately trying all the products, and then she found out his DAD told him to tell her she stank so she’d have no self-esteem and never leave him. Anybody who tells you that you stink, daily, especially when you don’t? Definitely the a-hole.

      Reply ↓
  22. Filofaxes*

    “She was just being kind of a jerk with the sniffing thing, even though she can smell it, it doesn’t bother her and she said she thought it was funny to watch me freak out”

    Whoa, I missed that part of the update.

    So even when the coworker was Super Smeller, she was still just being a pain in the butt?? Umm, okay. Super rude. I’m normally not a fan of endless updates but I wouldn’t have minded a second update to see if the coworker was still that much of a jerk for no real reason (like maybe after the baby was born and the coworker was back from maternity leave).

    Honestly, did the $50 gift card actually compensate the LW for the money and time spent switching out their body washes and detergents, plus the mental stress of wondering if they smell???? If this were me, and the reason was “oh well I just thought it was funny, tee hee,” I think I’d be making sure that I had a new job by the time the coworker got back from maternity leave, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with anymore of that nonsense.

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  23. ViolaLib*

    Two things:
    1) the smell of patchouli literally makes me nauseous. And it can stick around for a LONG time. So I’m deeply sympathetic with anyone who is trying to avoid it at work. That being said:
    2) Unless all of this happened over a very short timeline, there’s very little chance that she was pregnant this whole time but just didn’t know it. Which means that LW’s coworker is just a jerk.

    Reply ↓
    1. ViolaLib*

      And even if she *was* pregnant for the whole time, being pregnant doesn’t give you an automatic “now I can make snarky comments without consequence” card, either.

      Reply ↓

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