am I too old-fashioned about how I schedule calls, feedback said my enthusiasm can seem too aggressive, and more

by Alison Green on October 17, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Am I being too old-fashioned about how I schedule calls?

I work for a mid-sized media company. My job includes emailing people outside of the office to set up a time for me to interview them for content that I write. I keep an old-fashioned paper calendar, and I prefer phone calls over Zoom or Teams.

Increasingly, I’m asked to send a “calendar invite,” or if the interview will take place over Zoom or Teams. I don’t understand why Zoom or Teams is preferable to the phone; personally I don’t want the added stress of having to fiddle with technology. Also, my transcription program works best off a phone call. Is it okay for me to say that I won’t be sending a calendar invite, and that I prefer a phone call? So far, I’ve gotten my way, but I’m worried that I sound rude, stubborn and old-fashioned. Or should I give in?

Start sending calendar invites. You’re asking people to do something for you, and you should make it easy for them to do; since a lot of people have told you they want calendar invites, send the invites. They’re asking you to do it because it will save them time, and it’s in your interests to have it on their calendar. You can continue using your paper calendar to track your own stuff.

But it’s fine to keep using the phone. People are asking if it’s Zoom or Teams because so many work calls these days are, but that doesn’t mean they care if it’s not. They also might be asking so they can be prepared if you’re planning on video. It’s fine to say, “It won’t be Zoom or Teams; I’ll just give you a call on your regular number then.” Alternately, it would also be fine to say, “My transcription program works best off a phone call, so I’ll call you at (fill in number) then.”

2. Expecting presidential candidates to release medical records

I’m a (long-time) UK reader. It’s been in the news over here that Kamala Harris has released her medical records and that there’s a lot of criticism for Trump that he is refusing to release his.

Leaving aside the particulars of these two candidates, as a UK reader the expectation to release private medical records to prove you’re fit for a job seems … problematic at best? It’s not something that we would ever expect of our political leaders. I’ve been wondering how it impacts others in the workplace — say if one of them was diabetic or needed ADHD medication to be at their best, could that lead to the average person being judged for the same? Even though that wouldn’t be legal. Would the same be expected for a CEO of a massive multinational? And what about Supreme Court judges? The list goes on.

I’m really curious what you/your readers think about this practice in general (again, leaving aside the particulars of these two candidates as no one needs that in the comments!) and whether it has any impact on the average person.

It’s a practice specific to presidential candidates; it’s not something that’s expected outside of that one very specific situation.

Presidential candidates aren’t required by law to disclose their health information, but modern day candidates — until Trump — have done so anyway. The idea is to assure voters that they don’t have significant health problems that could interfere with their ability to carry out the responsibilities of the office or to serve a full term. The tradition started after questions were raised about whether Ronald Reagan’s Alzheimer’s had begun affecting him while he was still in office. (Of course, earlier history is full of examples of candidates and presidents who didn’t disclose medical information, like John F. Kennedy and, famously, FDR.)

Given the uniquely consequential responsibilities of the job, I’m fine with the practice. That said, disclosure should be restricted to factors likely to affect a candidate’s judgment or longevity in the role. Dementia is relevant; a Valtrex prescription is not.

3. Anonymous feedback said my enthusiasm can seem too aggressive

I recently received feedback in a performance evaluation (from an anonymous source) that my enthusiasm is great but can be taken as aggressive by coworkers and I need to be mindful of how others perceive me.

This has been puzzling to me because I am not someone who speaks up very much at all and when I do, I make an effort to be kind and clear in my communication. I rarely speak up in meetings and, if I do, it’s through chat. My interaction with coworkers is strictly through Slack and Zoom chat. Those interactions consist of asking questions to management, providing feedback to management (which they have thanked me for and made changes), or notifying coworkers that a customer reached out for them. These communications are through direct messages, not in the meetings, and it is mostly when asked unless I see a problem that is not being addressed that I feel they should be aware of. Sometimes I participate in team-building activities with my camera on and speak up but barely.

I use a lot of exclamation marks? I’m very puzzled by this feedback. What are your thoughts? Is this something I need to work on?

Anonymous feedback without any contextualizing by your boss is pretty useless. Did your boss indicate whether she also sees this as a concern? Or is she just passing along something she hasn’t personally seen without knowing if there’s any merit to it? If the latter, this could be one weird outlier person who doesn’t represent anyone else, and it could be feedback that’s nonsensical, baseless, or simply not worth acting on.

So can you go back to your boss and ask for her perspective? Say you took the feedback seriously but can’t figure out what it’s stemming from, and if changes are needed you can’t make them without understanding what’s happening, and ask for a couple of examples of where you’re coming across as aggressive.

4. My company wants me to share its posts on my personal LinkedIn

I have been at my job for two years in a junior role. Our senior management team is a huge fan of using LinkedIn to connect with clients. In particular, one member of that team will often share links to LinkedIn posts in my department’s Slack channel asking us to like, comment, and reshare with our network. They have also encouraged us, in business strategy meetings, to leverage our personal LinkedIn accounts to build our own “personal brand,” as well as promote the company.

Although I have an account, I despise LinkedIn, and mostly keep my profile up in case I need it for any future job searches or networking. I also am not a big poster on social media in general — I probably post on my personal Instagram account four times a year, and that is the only social media account I actively post on.

I don’t mind liking or commenting on company posts if asked, but I really don’t want to reshare posts onto my personal account, especially since I very rarely post any of my own content. Perhaps complicating things further, this job is in an industry that I don’t see myself in long-term (although nobody there knows this), so I don’t particularly want to build a huge LinkedIn presence in this industry.

I’ve mostly managed to fly under the radar with this, but there have been a couple times recently where this manager has mentioned me by name when asking people to reshare the post. Is there a graceful way to opt out of using my personal LinkedIn account for my company’s business purposes?

There are some industries where LinkedIn is so inherently a part of the work that it would be unreasonable to refuse to do this (for example, recruiting, some forms of PR, or LinkedIn itself). But assuming you’re not in one of them, they’re welcome to ask people to share posts, but you should be able to decline. That’s your social media, not theirs.

The easiest way to deal with it is to just keep ignoring it. If you’re mentioned by name when the request is made, nod and make a note on your to-do list and then … just don’t. If you’re directly asked about it in a more serious way, feel free to say you never use LinkedIn or even that you haven’t been able to log in the account recently.

5. When a business contact dies mid-project

In my job, I’m often the only connecting point between organizations — a combination of my clients, colleagues, vendors, regional stakeholders, etc. Recently, a project missed its deadline because I couldn’t get ahold of my contact, John, at a regular vendor, Acme. He had known we would need to be in heavy communication in the runup to a Friday deadline, but he stopped responding to emails or answering phone calls on Thursday, and we couldn’t finish the project without his input.

Over the weekend, I happened to get dinner with a friend who used to work at Acme. I mentioned that we’d blown a deadline, and that it was really unlike Acme to leave us hanging. My friend asked who I had been working with, and when I told her, she told me John had died on Wednesday night! She’d only heard about it that morning, and it sounded like it had been very unexpected and, understandably, things were chaotic at Acme in the wake of things.

I spent Sunday stressing about how to reach out to Acme. I worked with John a few times a year, and we weren’t close, but I respected him and was sad to hear the news. I could imagine that this has been really hard on Acme’s team, and wanted to express my condolences. But I also had my client and other stakeholders breathing down my neck to get the project done, and I was unsure what to say to them in the meantime. John was a department head, so I wasn’t really sure who to reach out to, either. Luckily, my friend had sent some of her old Acme contacts a heads-up, so someone reached out to me first thing Monday morning with an explanation, an apology to send to my client, and a new point of contact. I was able to just respond with condolences and thank them for their help.

But if I’m ever in this situation again, what’s the etiquette around someone’s death? Is there a script for when and how to reach out after hearing the news? Who do the messages go to? And if I hear that someone has died, is it fair to discreetly share that with someone like my client, as an explanation for the delay?

It would be fine to reach out to any other contact you have there and say something like, “I was so very sorry to hear about John. He was (insert something personal here about what you valued about John/the relationship, if possible). He was working on X for me; when we missed the deadline Friday, I hadn’t known what had happened, but now of course I understand. I’m so sorry to bother you with this right now, but when you’re able, would you let me know who I should be in touch with about the project? I understand it may take some time to sort out.” Depending on the context, you could add that if they’d like you to look for non-Acme resources for completing the work so they have time to sort out what will happen from here, you can do that.

It’s fair to share the situation with your client; most people will be a lot more understanding of delays in a situation like this than if they’re left in the dark.

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{ 74 comments }

{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Clementine*

    There’s a reason Zoom, Meet, etc. are more popular than phone calls. With a phone call, you have to hope to pick it up, and you sit there in anticipation for the phone to ring. With Zoom, you just click in and wait for the person to show up (or join the person that is there).

    There’s no merit in being old-fashioned. If you want to be off-video on a Zoom call, that’s definitely possible, but embrace this new technology that makes timing easier.

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    1. Lurker*

      I’m not really seeing the difference between sitting in anticipation of someone joining a Zoom call and waiting for a pre-scheduled phone call. I schedule calls regularly and don’t have an issue with timing…it works the same was as if you schedule a Zoom meeting.

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      1. Clementine*

        You can click in and go back to work while waiting for the other person to join. There’s no missed call.

        I find it psychologically very different to be awaiting a phone call. They’ll never call at exactly 2:30 PM, for example, so I don’t feel I can step away for even a moment starting at about 2:20 PM. If someone is a few minutes late to a Zoom call, no big deal as I am still working while waiting, but if they are a few minutes late calling, my nerves amp up.

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        1. Ellis Bell*

          This is so interesting, I’ve never considered this! I don’t really have a preference, except I think the technology can involve slightly more set up, especially if you’re on camera, but if someone hasn’t called me by the time the meeting has started, I would just call them? Same deal with if I’m working, or away from my desk, or if I for some reason fail to pick up the phone call, I’d just call them back.

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        2. Mangofan*

          Hm for me my nerves amp up the same waiting for someone to join a video call vs waiting for them to call me on the phone. Interesting that it works differently for you!

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      2. Worldwalker*

        It’s not about being old-fashioned, or “the added stress of having to fiddle with technology” — I’m getting Bartleby the Scrivener vibes here. I want to meet my co-workers and my outside contacts, and especially someone who’s doing me a favor, where they are, so I use whatever system they want to use. It’s not like any of this is complicated –they all compete by advertising their ease of use.

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    2. Noodles*

      I prefer Zoom/Meet/etc because my phone (and many other people’s phones) will sometimes not ring on unknown numbers. There was a recent AAM post about this, with lots of commenters saying they had this issue—interview calls being marked as spam and not getting through. With Zoom etc I can click the link and know I’m in the right place.

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    3. amoeba*

      For me, it’s just so standard to use Teams or Zoom that my work phone exists, but is never on unless I’m on a business trip – and then I actually also have only ever used it for e-mail and Teams, I’ve literally never made a phone call with it. I’d have to look up the number, find the thing and charge it first! Or use my private phone, but meh, I mean, I don’t have a particular problem with that, but… why?

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  2. Clementine*

    I think, if your job is important to you, follow what the senior management suggests and repost those posts. If you drag your feet, you are likely to be seen as not a team player.

    On the other hand, if this reposting is too onerous a burden, I would suggest to look for another job where senior management does not ask for this.

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    1. Worldwalker*

      It’s not that reposting is “too onerous a burden” — it’s a matter of not wanting to use a private resource for the company’s benefit. It’s rather like if the company insisted that employees have to cover their own private cars with signs advertising the company, for no payment, and probably leaving sticky residue behind.

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      1. KateM*

        Yeah, I have been in that situation where it was a requirement by grandboss, and I hated it a lot. In my case, it also meant I had to get that personal car to start with.

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      2. Clementine*

        You can have that opinion, the senior management can have their opinion, and it might be that you’re a mutual mismatch for each other. But if I wanted to keep the job, I would do what the senior management asked.

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        1. Worldwalker*

          So if senior management said they wanted you to spend Sunday afternoon dressed like a duck and quacking around downtown, you’d do that?

          If not, then you wouldn’t do whatever senior management asked.

          There’s a story about a man who asked a society lady if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She said she would. He then asked if she’d do it for ten dollars. She replied with shock “What kind of woman do you think I am???” He answered “We’ve already determined what kind of woman you are; now we’re just haggling over the price.”

          There is something you wouldn’t do for “senior management.” It might not be spending your Sunday afternoon dressed as a duck … it might be skipping your son’s (or your own) college graduation to do something that isn’t time-critical, or driving an intern to work and back every day, or not visiting a close relative on their deathbed, or something else — whatever is “too far” for you. But whatever it is, there is something that you wouldn’t do.

          So there’s no difference between you and the OP — it’s just haggling about the details.

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        2. Still*

          Eh, I imagine in many jobs this is a preference of the management, not a deal-breaker. It might burn some capital but it’s unlikely that the LW is going to need to job-hunt over this. It might be something worth clarifying with their direct manager, but I think it would be jumping to conclusions to say that the job is a bad match based on just this one factor.

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        3. Satsuma*

          Your comments today sound like you are a very “by the book”, people-pleasing, conformist type of personality. It’s fine if that works for you, but that’s not necessarily the best or only way to be professional and I think you’d do well to recognise that your approach is just one way instead of prescribing it as the best way for everyone. You’re coming across rather didactic and lacking in nuance.

          There is absolutely nothing to suggest the OP will lose their job if they don’t share these posts on LI. That’s a (rather extreme) interpretation you have chosen to place on this situation, and then you’ve offered advice as if that was a given, but it’s not.

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    2. ChattyDelle*

      I feel VERY strongly that my personal social media is mine. not my company’s. Every company I’ve worked for has a strong stance on “not speaking for the company” to media inquire, etc – in the same vein, I’m not going to appear to have my company speak for me on my social media. Also, having been in customer service in a small town, Ive had customers reach out to me the messenger with questions/issues about their service. I don’t work outside my working hours & ice had to shut that down quickly. I hbave never played my employer on my social media & I. not going to change that practice.

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      2. Ellis Bell*

        When I’ve worked in jobs where it’s expected, I’ve just made secondary accounts; it’s easy to make it clear that you’re talking in a professional capacity, so Xena the Warrior Princess Account is different to her account full of her baking and gardening and catching up with family, but it depends on the type of account sometimes. Linkd In is a bit different.

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        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I agree that LI is different. Indeed, I opened an account at my then-employer’s request, though I use it now for general networking, professional development, work-related awareness/activism things as well. I think the boundaries of professional and private content are much more complex there than say Instagram.

          I think most people who are reposting their employers’ or colleagues’ posts are understood to be doing so as representatives of their employer.

          I can’t think why I personally would feel resistant to making this kind of post, *unless I had issues with its content*. When I’m embarrassed or concerned about the work my employer is doing, that’s when I’m already looking for another job.

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    3. Professional Lurker*

      Our marketing manager has recently started sending “please like and share” emails, too (I believe she’s being pressured by the CEO to do this). I just quietly shelve and ignore them. I *think* I have a LinkedIn account? I vaguely remember setting one up when I was finishing college. But it has been more than a decade since then, I have no idea what my login details are, and even if I put in time to recall them and dig up that account, there’s probably 2-3 people I’m connected to there, so what’s the point of me sharing anything?

      If they start pushing this, I’m going to push back on pure principle. My job has absolutely nothing to do with marketing and I should not be required to do this.

      Reply ↓
  3. annsy*

    For OP1, just to share what it’s like on the polar opposite side of calendars & calls: I haven’t had a physical phone at work in years, and literally all of my meetings are on Teams or similar – I haven’t called into a meeting (versus clicking a link to join) in forever! I’m not even certain how to receive a phone call at work – I think it would come through Teams, too, but it… never happens.

    All that to say: this may be the situation for some people you’re trying to schedule with, too, and that could be why they’re expecting invites and Teams calls. It’s so very thoroughly the norm in my world that I would be a little thrown off by (though slightly jealous of) your low-tech approach!

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    1. CL*

      The only people that call my work number are people trying to sell me stuff that I have no budget for. I’ve heard rumors that we’re actually getting rid of work phone numbers next year because no one uses them.

      Reply ↓
    2. Clementine*

      Same – my work phone is not even hooked up at my desk, which would mean they’d have to call my personal cell phone.

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    4. Emmy Noether*

      My company has it set up so that phone calls come in through teams (got rid of our desk phones about a year or two ago, kept the phone numbers). It works quite well – it will behave exactly like an unscheduled voice-only teams call, but show a phone number instead of a name (if the person is a contact, it will also show the name).

      Reply ↓
      1. A rich tapestry*

        Yeah, this. Hardohone vs Teams/Skype for Business (don’t know about zoom) is not necessarily an or situation, it can be an and situation.

        Barring the back up phone systems all of our telephone calls are routed over the internet to either Teams or phones connected to teams if the users prefer a physical phone (usually reception desks have this because, but there are some individual users who also just prefer a phone).

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        1. A rich tapestry*

          *Hardphone.

          Anyway, my point with this is that there may be a solution that works for both LW and their interviewee – it might be worth checking with your company (presumably the IT department plus whoever handles telephony for you) what the possibilities are in regards to this

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    5. amoeba*

      Yeah, I have a company smartphone but only ever use it when travelling, so I’d need to find and charge it first – and also look up the number, because actually, when I use it, it’s also just for Teams and e-mail!

      Reply ↓
  4. Worldwalker*

    Regarding presidential candidates and medical records:

    The US government hinges much more on a single person than a parliamentary system like the UK government does. If a Congresscritter drops dead over the weekend, or a Supreme Court justice, or basically anyone else, it is just a matter of course: these things happen. A president suddenly dying or becoming unable to do their job, on the other hand, really disrupts things. And as Congress has increasingly abnegated their duties, and the whole “Imperial Presidency” thing spins up, this is becoming worse. It doesn’t matter if the president has a bad back or uses a wheelchair, but dropping dead, having a stroke, being an alcoholic, developing dementia (we really have to stop electing elderly presidents), etc., can all disrupt the functioning of the government. Remember, we vote for a person, not a party. Y’all can replace a prime minister at the drop of a hat; it’s all about party, not person. But with a person, we want to know that the candidate we’re voting for isn’t likely to suffer a severe medical issue and be unable to function.

    I suspect people like corporate CEOs have to disclose their medical details to the people who select them — the board of directors for their company, most likely. In the case of presidential candidates, it’s us.

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    1. Dhaskoi*

      Yup.

      One other factor here is that it’s become a thing specifically because trump has made it a thing, but having demanded others do it he refuses to do it himself.

      Regardless of whether you think it’s a good practice in general and regardless of your personal political leanings, it’s an example of trump not meeting a standard he demanded of others. Which is where a lot of the criticism is actually rooted, IMHO.

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      1. bamcheeks*

        I think this is is for me — it’s a symptom of a politics rooted in bad faith and fascist ideas about health and disability. I don’t think responding to that kind of politics is ever easy, so I have some sympathy with the Democratic party here, but effectively they have validated some very awful ideas about medical privacy, health and power, and I think that’s a very bad thing. A genuinely democratic approach would be to refuse to play, because anyone can become ill or impaired at any point and the checks, balances and back-ups you have in place are more important than what the individual discusses with their doctor.

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    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      We have been replacing our PMs a lot more frequently of late, though historically they have served for relatively long periods of time – Harold Wilson and Margaret Thatcher are two examples from the 20th century. We don’t have term limits for PMs, so you’re in the role till you lose an election and/or your party gets fed up of you.

      We also traditionally haven’t had the role of deputy PM and PMs can still choose whether or not to have one – however, PMs will designate a successor in case of their death in office if they don’t have a deputy. The PM doesn’t decide whether to have a deputy and (if applicable) appoint their deputy till they take office, so you don’t know who it will be until it’s officially announced.

      We have been moving towards giving increasing amounts of power to the PM’s role recently, so we may eventually go in the same direction regarding medical records. Though I think the US is a different case – you invest a lot of your self-image as a country in whoever is president because they have so much power (and because you vote for directly for president), whereas the UK doesn’t go in for that concept as much, though I’m not really sure why.

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    3. flutter by*

      The age thing seems very relevant to me – over the last 20 years, the average new PM was aged 51, while the average new president was 65. That’s a pretty significant difference!

      Reply ↓
    4. Irish Teacher.*

      Yeah, looking from Ireland, that’s pretty much what I was thinking. If our taoiseach was incapable, the parliamentary party can vote him out as leader (Heck, that actually got fairly ridiculous when Brian Cowen was leader and messing up to the extent that a US talk show basically commented on it and ministers were standing around planning how to make him resign in full view of the media). Ireland’s governments are also usually coalitions, so if a taoiseach was incompetent and for whatever reason, his own party failed to act, their coalition partners would probably pull out and trigger and General Election, but even in countries like the UK where overall majorities are common, the party can still intervene.

      It seems to be a lot harder to “fire” a sitting US president, so I can see why people would want a higher level of transparency. Because you are pretty much committing to four years of that person in a position of power.

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    5. Thinking*

      We have a Vice President. When the president has died, resigned, or just had surgery, the VP has always stepped in and life goes on.
      Perhaps you are too young to remember 1963, or 1974, but the admin transitioned very quickly. Emotionally, the electorate took longer.
      Nonetheless, yes, younger leaders in Congress too, please.

      Reply ↓
    6. Audrey Puffins*

      Y’all can replace a prime minister at the drop of a hat

      And, indeed, we went through quite a spate recently of repeatedly doing so

      Reply ↓
  5. KateM*

    For OP#3, I’d like to know what does “a lot of exclamation marks” look like (especially as OP has used non in their post). Every sentence ending with one – or maybe several? I can see how that may feel as “aggressive enthusiasm”.

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    1. Lara's*

      I think this is what the anonymous feedback was referring to. I have a coworker who uses multiple question marks after benign questions and it comes across as urgent and stressful.

      Reply ↓
        1. KateM*

          Just trying it out:

          For OP#3, I’d like to know what does “a lot of exclamation marks” look like! Especially as OP has used none in their post! Every sentence ending with one – or maybe several?? I can see how that may feel as “aggressive enthusiasm”!

          I think this is what the anonymous feedback was referring to! I have a coworker who uses multiple question marks after benign questions and it comes across as urgent and stressful!

          Yes! Exclamation points in a work setting should be very rare!

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          2. amoeba*

            Hah. I mean, I absolutely agree with you that this example is way over the top and is indeed “aggressively enthusiastic”, but I’d push back against the statement that exclamation marks should be *very rare* – I typically use one or two in most e-mails, and I do feel like it makes the tone much more friendly (and, yes, enthusiastic, hopefully without crossing the line into aggressive!)

            So, something like “Hi XY, thanks a lot for the quick reply! We should have the shipping ready next week – let me know if there are any questions. Are you coming to the meeting on Thursday? Looking forward to seeing everybody in person! Best, amoeba”

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      This is it, if OP is right about contributing mostly in writing. I can’t think of anything else that could convey both enthusiasm and aggression so well, or so unintentionally. I am kind of fascinated by how differently an exclamation mark is possibly being perceived here, and if OP knows anyone who likes to nerd out over punctuation and written communication, it might be worth getting some feedback on any examples from someone you trust. Or, it’s simply the case that the person read way too much into it.

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    3. Artemesia*

      Just as all caps feels like shouting, I think a bunch of exclamation points feels similarly loud and aggressive. Why would you use a ‘lot’ of exclamation points in your normal professional discourse. Why not punctuate normally and see if that is it.

      Reply ↓
  6. bamcheeks*

    LW1, the only thing I’d add about Teams/Zoom vs phones is that my internet connection is reliable, and my data coverage is patchy. Sometimes I have to go and wander around the house to find the right window to stand in front of for a phone call. So I do think being able to flex to a VOIP system of some sort might be helpful for some of your contacts.

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    1. Edwina*

      We have phone software on our laptops to make or receive phone calls using our work numbers. I would really, really not want to give out my personal phone number, and I’m glad I don’t have to. We have an added complication that Teams only works for people inside the company, and for those calls, I think Teams somehow feels easier than the softphone, probably because I can see who’s calling. With the softphone, I can only see the number, not usually the name.

      Also, we are not permitted to be recorded, so it’s good to know ahead of time if someone is planning to use an AI notetaker or to record the meeting, so I can ask them not to.

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    2. abca*

      I expect that for a lot of people it is the other way around though, with internet being spotty at times. It is not uncommon at all to have Teams meetings with my US colleagues (working from home) that go like “let me disable my camera and see if that improves things” “can you all also disable your camera?” “I’m sorry, I’ll call in from my phone”.

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  7. ptrish*

    For OP1 – one REALLY helpful thing electronic calendars do is handle time zones automatically. I recently missed an interview when someone converted times in their head and got Mountain and Pacific mixed up.

    FWIW, everywhere I’ve worked in the last ~10 years expects employees to keep their electronic calendars up to date. People just put “Block – personal” or whatever when needed. It’s just not efficient to have to call or email back and forth to set up a meeting time. I definitely agree with Alison that you should start sending invites, but I would go a step further and say you should probably work towards migrating to an electronic calendar.

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    1. Edwina*

      The only tricky part that I’ve run into is when we’re trying to schedule meetings with people at another company (usually a vendor). They can’t see our availability, so we have to give them ranges of times/dates to choose from. I really like it when someone can send me their Calendly link because it shows when they are available, and they can give out different links depending on whether it’s a 30 or 60 minute call.

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  8. jinni*

    LW#2 it’s easier for me to interview over the phone as well. BUT what one found works as a great compromise is to start on video for a greeting and pre interview, then switch off. I’ve switched to software that allows this flexibility as well as recording/transcription. It makes for warmer interactions.

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  9. Workaholic*

    LW4: My company seems out “hey, share us on…” emails now and then. I thought about it for 30 seconds and noped out. 1: I don’t want to irritate friends and family 2: they’re not paying me to do so/paying for my personal phone 3: I really HAD locked myself out of linked in, forgot the password, and didn’t care enough to fix it for 6 years.

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    1. Testing*

      I don’t really get irritating friends and family on LinkedIn, which is per definition a professional social media. I also don’t understand what one’s personal phone has to do with it, you can do it in the browser version.

      My employer is also pushing this hard (but does realise they can only request it, not order it), and I occasionally repost stuff. The only problem is that I’m of course connected to a lot of my colleagues, so my LinkedIn gets flooded by us all doing it.

      I do understand the OP not being that interested considering she is wanting to change sectors. But what you can do is post some stuff now and then quietly delete it a bit before you start looking for a job outside this sector.

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  10. Lisa*

    Im cynical, but $5 says “aggressive” LW3 is female and the feedback provider is male. Too often women are dinged for being assertive and direct when the same from a man would be considered normal or positive.

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    1. Oddmeister...makin' copies*

      In that vein, I’ve personally been accused of sounding aggressive, *especially* when I was careful to make sure my tone was positive and polite.

      I’m not sure why this happens. The best I can come up with is maybe some people’s unfortunate experiences with others have led them to assume all politeness is passive-aggressiveness?

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    2. But Of Course*

      That was my thought. As a woman who gets a lot of negative feedback on how I communicate from my boss (it is, in fact, Just Her; she’s corrected me that “we” (the organizational we) did something when I had the temerity to state that a project I led and executed 90% of was something I did) I’ve been overusing exclamation marks and emojis to warm my written tone in order to sound friendlier but realized last week I’ve hit deranged squirrel by accident. No one besides my current boss has an issue with my communication like this, spanning back at least fifteen years in a variety of communications-related jobs. So I would also bet money it’s gendered feedback by someone who has a problem with women speaking knowledgeably.

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      1. KateM*

        What you wrote is actually why I would take that $5 bet – I think a woman using lots of exclamation marks would more probably be considered a deranged squirrel than aggressive.

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  11. Decidedly Me*

    LW1 – definitely send a calendar invite! It’s great that using a paper calendar still works for you, but most people don’t use them anymore. Sending an invite ensures it’s on your recipient’s calendar and doesn’t stop you from continuing to use a paper calendar for your own needs. In the invite, you can even put the location as something like “I’ll call you directly at 555-555-5555”, which will solve the other issue if a phone call is needed over a Zoom.

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  12. Emmy Noether*

    #5

    We had something like this happen. A project manager just dropped dead one evening.

    In our case, it was kind of eerie how quickly we closed ranks. It helped that he worked mostly with internal contacts, that were all informed within a few hours the next morning. I was given access to his email account, also that morning, to catch anything external that may come in, but I think I only had to inform two or three contacts of what happened (I decided that they probably wouldn’t want to receive a reply from a dead man’s account, so I would forward emails to my account, then respond from there). I also had to go digging through his old emails once to find some information. Then after about a week, it was strangely like he’d never been there.

    In your case, I agree with Alison’s advice. Just reach out to anybody you had previous contact with with condoleances and your work question – they’ll forward you to the right person.

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    1. Ellie*

      We have had it happen multiple times… engineers seem to die at their post more often than other occupations.

      The standard procedure at our company, is that an email goes out to all his external contacts, as well as the entire company, noting the sad news of his passing, and a few circumstances around it, his major accomplishments, and that they’ll shortly be in contact regarding a new point of contact to wrap up his projects, etc. Then there’s a note about a funeral and a link to the therapy services hotline. Then a few days or weeks later, whoever will be taking over his work will email people directly with a very similar text to what Alison suggests.

      I’ve only had it happen to someone that we worked with at another company once though, and boy was that hard. He wasn’t just the point of contact, he was the inventor of the technology. We just had to get by as the company (very understandably) was reeling. Eventually they contacted us with a couple of new professionals, and we kept going, with lots of problems and understanding on both sides. It added months, possibly years, to our schedule, but there was literally nothing else to be done. Everyone was very understanding, many knew him personally, and many who didn’t felt they owed a debt to him.

      So long as you act with compassion there shouldn’t be any issues. But people need to know about it.

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  13. Linda D*

    Those of us with hearing impairments may prefer zoom over a form of communication that is limited to ones hearing capabilities

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  14. Sunny*

    OP1, since you’re in media, I would ask around among your coworkers about transcription software that works with Zoom. It’s a common enough need that you’re bound to get plenty of suggestions.

    Depending what you’re interviewing on, phone calls can be preferable. I actually find phone calls can be more intimate than video and people often fill silences on the phone in ways they don’t on video.

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    1. Agent Diane*

      I’d add that if you are doing media work, you may want to send invites with a suitably generic title. For example, “catch-up with OP1”.

      Then if your interviewee could get into trouble for interviewing with you, the meeting doesn’t give the game away when one of their colleagues is looking at their calendar.

      I’d also echo what someone said up-thread: “meet” your interviewees where they are. That could be physical, or on Teams, Zoom, the phone or ICQ. Zoom/Teams both have transcription options that spit out plain text.

      I’m from the generation that was delighted when SMS and the internet arrived as I stopped having to have phone calls. I do not dread unexpected Teams calls nearly as much as my phone ringing.

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    2. So I says to Mabel I says*

      Is filling in silences always good though? That’s interesting because to me, one of the benefits of video is that you can have a pause to think, and people don’t always leap in to fill the silence. I find it often gets better answers from people if they can do that. People talking to fill silence aren’t necessarily saying things that are useful, or that they want to be saying.

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  15. Varthema*

    I used to use a lot of exclamation marks because I, like many of my generation, read them as adding a light tone. Then I taught Business English (as a foreign language) to professionals from all over the world but mostly Europe, and was a little taken aback when, to a one, they read exclamation marks as Very Urgent at best, aggressive and angry and shouty at worst. And then, to my horror, when I relayed this to my local Irish colleagues they didn’t disagree!

    So suddenly when I reread something like “Let me know!” with a new lens, it became clear how it could look shouty, not cheerful. And that helped cure me of most exclamation marks.

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    1. Varthema*

      I will say, I tend to mirror the style and tone of whom I’m writing to, so if I’m writing to a known US American and they’re using chirpy exclamation marks, I’ll use them too. But if I don’t know the nationality of the recipient or if they’re not from the US, I typically try to express the lightness in explicit words and not let a cultural punctuation convention do the work for me.

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  16. So I says to Mabel I says*

    In our workplace, I do have a work mobile because of my role but I seem to be the only one. Most people would need to give their personal mobile, which as you’re effectively a journalist (as they may see it), some people prefer not to do.

    I find Zoom or Teams way, way easier because you can see the other person’s face. It’s easier to know when to speak, read social cues, and just generally understand and communicate better. Yes, we all managed with phones for decades but honestly, I now find it quite difficult (I think I always did but there was no alternative and I was used to it).

    I understand your technology works better that way, and I’d never refuse a call or insist it be virtual, but it’s definitely possible that people prefer a video if it’s an option.

    You would know best how important it is that you accommodate people, that you leave them wanting to work with you again, that they feel confident they made themselves clear etc.

    But not sending a calendar invite combined with “it’s a call because that works best for me” could definitely be coming off as inflexible, all taken together.

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  17. So I says to Mabel I says*

    On leaders and medical privacy, perhaps the biggest difference is that here in the UK, the Prime Minister wouldn’t appoint a successor. Parliament is always sovereign (specifically, the House of Commons), so if the PM became so unwell that they were unable to fulfil their duties, they would lose the confidence of the House, and another leader would be chosen. That leader would need to have the confidence of the House. So the party with a majority can choose their leader and they’d generally have the confidence of the House… (although as we have seen in recent years, they can lose that confidence, and party members can choose someone who doesn’t quite have the confidence of the MPs who actually work with that person…).

    Back when Gordon Brown was PM, a journalist asked him if he was on antidepressants. There was quite a bit of media speculation around that question. But overwhelmingly people seemed to think it was out of bounds and none of our business. (Brown was very unpopular at the time and depression was still very stigmatised, but the principle on privacy seemed to hold for a lot of people, IIRC.)

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  18. So I says to Mabel I says*

    Once a colleague was making smirk faces while I was talking in a meeting. I asked him if he wanted to share a comment or if he had any thoughts on the topic. I said this in a fairly warm tone. He said no.

    I was later told by my boss at the time (another man) that I’m too aggressive. This was the only example.

    Yes, I’m a woman.

    Just throwing that out there.

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  19. Part time lab tech*

    I noticed you work for a media company. I would think this is a more app happy industry and perhaps adapting to teams etc might be good idea. I personally distrust all tech companies with my privacy, use a physical diary for personal use and am old enough that it doesn’t bother me to use a phone as a phone so I sympathise.

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