I offended a client, asking a new hire to go by her last name, and more

by Alison Green on December 9, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I think I offended a client

I give private music lessons, often in people’s homes. About a month ago, I arrived and the youngest child didn’t know where her materials were, and said she hadn’t prepared. Normally I swallow this with a smile, but this time I chastised the child and brought the situation to the attention of her older siblings. This was obviously inappropriate and wrong! I should have brought it up with the parent, and only with the child in a polite, positive, or funny way. A few days later I emailed an apology to the mother (a real apology). I apologized directly to the child the following week (she said “thanks”) and a few weeks later apologized directly to the oldest child. However, the apology email was never acknowledged.

The mother is now giving me what seems to be the silent treatment — she does not show herself during lessons, she does not say hello or goodbye. The father now sits in the youngest child’s lesson (which is actually a win — I need parents in the lessons of young children). Since he never did before and now suddenly does every week, I imagine it was directed by her or decided by him, or both. He is pleasant and does not refer to the incident. The kids seem as happy and willing to play as ever, nothing seems wrong there.

What do I do? I would apologize to her directly if I could. I thought about finding her in the house, but I don’t want to create a scene. Background: I’ve been working with this family for six years, all without problems, in fact, they have been very vocally happy with me in the past. They do have a habit of leaving their children to work out their own practice, which is fine philosophically, but often frustrating practically. I think that’s probably why I snapped that day.

I’d let it go. You’ve apologized to everyone involved, and they might not think it’s as big of a deal as you do. It’s possible the mother has other stuff going on and you’re assuming it’s about you when it’s not. Or who knows, maybe it is about you! But you’ve apologized to her, and if she wants to be chilly for a while, hunting her down for another apology probably isn’t going to change that (and risks seeming very weird if she’s moved on).

It’s true that the father might be sitting in on the lessons to monitor you, but he also might be sitting in because the youngest child not being prepared made them realize she needed more parental involvement.

– 2019

2. Candidate didn’t tell us she’s been at another job for a week

I recently served on an interview committee for an entry-level staff opening in our office. We interviewed Sansa, a candidate we liked very much. Her resume listed that her last job was an internship that ended a few months ago. The next day, we interviewed Arya, another candidate we liked. Arya’s resume listed her current job at Company A and indicated that she had been there for two years.

Later, I was looking at the website of Company A to learn more about it, and found Sansa listed there as a current employee, despite the fact that this job had not appeared anywhere on Sansa’s resume and she never mentioned that she was currently employed.

My boss did some sleuthing and found that the Sansa on Company A’s website was indeed the same Sansa that we interviewed, and she had only worked at Company A for one week at the time of her interview with us. Our hiring committee has varying opinions on this — some now see Sansa as a liar, others want us to approach her with questions about the omission, and some are okay with it, guessing that Sansa felt silly including a job that she’d been at for such a short time on her resume. It might be the case that she started that job and immediately knew it was not a good fit.

How should we best move forward in this situation? Sansa and Arya are both top candidates, but we are concerned about Sansa’s omission on her resume.

This is a completely normal omission and not something you should generally penalize someone for! It wouldn’t have made sense for Sansa to put the job on her resume when she’d only been there a week (and may not have been there at all when she first sent you her resume), and in fact I regularly advise people to leave off jobs that they haven’t been at for long. A resume isn’t a legal document that’s supposed to be a comprehensive account of every job you’ve ever held; the point is to show how you’re a strong candidate for the job you’re applying for, and having held a job for a week is never going to do that. So no lying happened here, unless she told you she was unemployed when you spoke.

The worst thing you can say about her is that she may have taken a job with Company A without intending to commit to them for very long (which is indeed crappy) — but you don’t even know that it’s the case. For all we know, she could have applied with you before she got the job with them, started work there and discovered that she was seriously mismatched with the work, the boss, or the culture, and jumped at the chance to talk with you when your interview invitation came in. Who wouldn’t do the same?

At absolute most, you could say to her, “I happened to be looking at Company A’s website and noticed you’re listed as an employee there. It wasn’t on your resume so I wanted to ask you about it.” But really, it’s unlikely that there’s anything shocking to hear here. This is just not a big deal.

– 2017

3. Asking a new hire to go by her last name

My name is … let’s say Arya. And I recently hired someone who is also named Arya. During the interview process, we discussed the awkwardness and potential risk-management-related issues with us being mixed up due to the nature of our positions and the fact that she is reporting to me.

She agreed it would be very confusing, and said she’d be happy to go by her last name, Stark. I have been introducing her as Stark to everyone, but noticed she has been introducing herself to people as Arya. I don’t want to be a jerk, but she had agreed during the interview process to go by Stark, and I feel pretty embarrassed at how this makes me look to the other folks who report to me, as if I forced her to go by another name, when really it was mutually agreed upon … or so I thought.

We have other folks in our organization who go by their last names and it has never been an issue before, so there is a precedent for this. How do I broach this with her without being a jerk? I can’t imagine what a nightmare it will be to have two Arya’s reporting to each other in our line of work.

Is it really going to be such a nightmare? It’s very, very common for offices to have two people with the same first name working closely together. Usually people solve it by using last initials and referring to Arya S. and Arya W. or something similar to that.

If she doesn’t want to go by her last name (and I realize she said she’d be okay with it, but it sounds like she might not really want to), you shouldn’t force her to do it; it’s not fair for her not to be able to use her name just because you were there first.

I’d talk to her and say something like this: “Hey, I know we’d talked earlier about you going by Stark to avoid confusion. I’ve noticed you’re using Arya — do you prefer that? If so, let’s start using Arya S. and Arya W. so that it’s clear who’s who.” And then if you’re talking to someone who doesn’t know the importance of including the initial, say something like, “When you follow up, make sure to ask for Arya Williams since there are two Arya’s here.”

– 2017

4. My employer requires all employees to back into parking spaces

I work for a mid-sized corporation. A new parking policy has been introduced, which requires all employees to back into parking spaces. I don’t like this because it takes longer to park now and because I am terrified of hitting the cars on either side of me when I am attempting to back in. When I questioned the reason for this policy, I was told it was for employee safety and that it would prevent people from backing out of a parking space and hitting someone who was walking by or another car. I feel the odds of me hitting someone are something are greatest when I am trying to wedge myself and my car in a tight space, while in reverse. What do you think of this policy and do you think it is logical?

I have no idea, without knowing more about the parking situation. But regardless of how reasonable it is, if you make a big deal about it, it’s not likely to reflect well on you — most people will think this is a pretty minor thing, and major pushback on it will seem out of place.

For what it’s worth, I once lived somewhere that required residents to park that way and I was highly annoyed — but I discovered that it was pretty easy after the first week of doing it. (And then I never lost the skill, which has been handy.)

– 2014

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  1. Happy meal with extra happy*

    Lol I remember the name question. I hope OP ultimately realized that they were being a bit precious. Common names at companies is extremely normal, and it’s really no big deal. I’ve had the same name as someone on my team, and there was at least one other name pair as well (out of like 15 people). Between context clues and initials, it never was an issue.

    1. Pam Adams*

      At my university, there was another Pam, who was also an academic advisor. To add to the fun, she advised computer science students, while I advised the business computer students. We frequently sent students to “the other Pam.”

      1. The turtle moves*

        When I started in my current department we had a Jacqui and a Jackie, both in the same role but supporting different areas of the business, who sat next to each other. If we needed to talk about something that involved both of them, we’d talk about the Jac(qu)(k)ies.

        Now there are two regional managers both called Lisa, so of course they’re the Lisas, and everyone jokes that the second Lisa got the job because it saves everyone having to remember two names.

        OP made a weirdly big deal out of something that’s so common, and where it’s usually pretty clear from context which [Name] people are talking about.

        1. Lionheart26*

          I lived in Vietnam for a decade, and words and names are only ever one syllable long. They use tones to create more letters and sounds, but when these names are Anglicised, people drop the tones, so you end up getting a LOT of repeating names. At one company, somehow EVERY administrative assistant was named Thuy (Twee), so instead of saying “check with Steve’s AA” or “I’ll ask my assistant to do that”, we’d all say “check with my Ms Thuy”.

          One day I was interviewing for a new Ms Thuy and everyone was joking about the candidates HR would bring to me and if being named Thuy was a requirement for the job. I interviewed and selected the best candidate and then proudly told everyone in the office, we did NOT have a new Ms Thuy, but would in fact be supported by a MR Thuy!

          side note, that was 20 years ago. Mr Thuy still works there and is one of the longest standing staff members and he tells me that the admins all have different names and are called admins now.

          1. MassMatt*

            Many years ago I interviewed at a company with someone from Vietnam, with the family name Nguyen, which is really common. We had a nice rapport and it was informal so I asked how you find the right “Nguyen” in a phone book (which indicates how long ago this was) in Vietnam. She laughed and said you need to know the middle name, or the address. “And if you don’t know that… I guess you are screwed!”

            Just about everyplace I have worked has multiple Johns, Pauls, Marys, and Marias, so I don’t think this name confusion is as much trouble as the LW thinks.

            1. Freya*

              In my age group in my city, it’s David. To the point that one partner dancing class I taught was literally 1/3 Davids.

        2. More double-Aryas*

          We do the same thing at my office. I share a name, an office, and a direct report with a colleague. At one point we also shared an intern with the same name!

          It’s really never an issue. People at the office tend to refer to us as the Aryas and our direct report jokes that she only works with Aryas. We have different, but closely related work areas and the context usually gives away who is the right Arya in the situation. However, given that we share an office, both of us do tend to look up when someone walks in saying “Arya?”. Sometimes people refer to us by our last names, but I’m not too fond of my surname, so I don’t like that. The other Arya is fine with going by her surname but in my country people tend to go for calling everyone or no one by their surname, so using her surname and my first name has not really become a thing.

          (When I started working there we also had three Johns, two of whom were in different levels of management, and the last liked to be called Dr John, so that usually worked out using gestures and/or surnames).

          1. Worldwalker*

            In high school, I went on a canoe trip with a half-dozen other people: one in my canoe, four in two other canoes, and the teacher leading it in a kayak, solo. Every boat except the one I was in contained a Dave.

      2. amoeba*

        Yeah, that one was weird. We have one person in my group with the same name as our boss, as well as three technicians with the same first name (different from the other two!). Oh, and a third pair as well.
        Initials would be uncommon here, we generally just go with the full name if we need to make clear which one we mean – so, it’s “John Smith” and “John Miller” then. But if we talk directly to them or it’s clear from context, we just use the first name (“I asked John for his approval to go to the conference” – it’s clear I’m talking about my boss, not the colleague on my level!)

        I mean, also, both my ex and my boyfriend have the same name, as does the boyfriend of a good friend of mine and multiple colleagues and people in all our companies. Nobody gets banned from using their own name though, it always works out with minimal confusion.

        1. Edwina*

          For a few years, we had another Edwina with the same first letter of her last name. We were in different departments but on a committee together, so it only came up in committee meetings.

          I tried to get people to say IT Edwina and [her dept] Edwina, but no one seemed to like that, so it never happened.

          People mostly said Edwina M. and then realized that wasn’t helping and so said the full last name. However no one asked us to change our names.

      3. Matt S*

        When I was a grad student, I shared a first name *and* last name with the college president. A single number was the only difference in our two institutional emails. We both regularly received email intended for the other, which is a pretty big issue given the gap in duties.

      1. Learn ALL the things*

        Or an Elizabeth. My office has I think seven Elizabeths. We manage to convey which Elizabeth we mean about 98% of the time.

        1. With an -s*

          Wow! I’ve always been grateful to have that name, as it’s familiar but so rarely repeated. These days, it’s Addison, Sarah, and anything ending in -aden, based on my son’s classmates’ names.

          1. Meep*

            My name is Morgan. It took until high school for me to have not one, but two other Morgans in my grade and senior year to have one of them in my class. Of course, I knew other Morgans, but they were either younger or older than me and never interacted in a “professional setting.” Still haven’t to yet, tbh.

            It has become more popular in recent years so I see more toddlers and elementary school kids with the name. Especially since more “traditional” names are no longer as popular. I sometimes wonder how many moms thought they were giving a unique name to have 2-3 Morgans in their class. lol.

        2. Sara without an H*

          At my last organization, we had four Sara(h)s. We made it all work — We just used both first and last names, if we thought there’d be any confusion.

          Fashions in names come and go, so unless you work at a very small place, you’re probably going to have multiples of somebody’s name. It’s not a big deal, unless you make it so.

          1. Magnolia Clyde*

            As a fellow Sara without an H, I was recently in the same situation! There were 3 of us, and we all went by Sara(h) + Last Initial.

            No one seemed to have problems, other than the occasional misdelivered piece of mail. But we never had any major issues.

            1. Not my real name*

              I was checking people in at an event. The person said her name was Sara, no h. I heard Sara Noache. I wrote down Sara and asked how to spell Noache.

              I met someone whose last name was Startz. She said that telling people that her last name was “Startz with a Z” resulted in the question of the rest of her surname.

        3. Always Tired*

          I have two sets of triples, and two sets of pair names. At a company of FORTY. We manage with initials and job indicators (Juan C. vs Juan O, finance John vs. PM John vs. Tech John, etc) and it works just fine. OP can be Boss Arya.

      2. TeaCoziesRUs*

        Or a Jennifer…

        I get the writer to an extent. I was in high school before someone else shared my name, and it’s still pretty uncommon… as a first name. But, still! The only time I’d expect someone to use my last name is in the military or with a sports team… and since my first name is shorter, people still use that.

        1. yet another Jennifer*

          Yes…. as a fellow Jennifer it is pretty common for there to be at least one other Jennifer. At my old job there was someone with the same last name as well. We worked in very different departments so only occasionally got mixed up.

          1. runner up*

            I’m also Jennifer. I currently report to another Jennifer. Previously, I worked very closely with a different (3rd) Jennifer, and we both interacted with a fourth Jennifer. We use last names or last initials as needed, although context is usually enough. It’s just not a big deal.

        2. Anja*

          I worked in a place that had two Jennifers with the same last name. And two Davids with the same last name. We managed.

          1. Former Admin Turned PM*

            We have two people with the same first and last name whose jobs sporadically overlap. We’ve taken to calling them BIO Julie and QA Julie, particularly when QA is doing a project with the biologics dept…

        3. William Murdoch's Homburg*

          My twin sister’s name is Jennifer. Many moons ago, there was another Jennifer in our kindergarten class, and the teacher arbitrarily decided that Other Jennifer would be called Jenn and my sister would be called Jenny. Sister hated Jenny then and still hates it now, but the teacher wouldn’t hear a word of protest. After kindergarten the two of them went by Jenn Last Initial and we all managed.

        4. SimonTheGreyWarden*

          In my tiny 3rd grade class there were 2 other Jennifers, and that’s why I chose a very nontraditional nickname and have kept it as my name ever since. It’s so nontraditional – and a name in its own right – that people are always surprised when they get my full name from my work email. I can only blame it on being 8 at the time, but I love my chosen name and wouldn’t go back.

          Oh, and there were at least 2 other Jennifers in my high school class, my college roommate was a Jennifer, and my most recent boss was … guess it… another one.

      3. Dovasary Balitang*

        I’m one of those in real life. I’ve regularly sent emails that read:

        Good morning Jessica,

        As per my previous email, [whatever. Protein, bruh.]

        Regards,
        Jessica

        And usually have to be Jessica Last Initial in class. But other than that, it’s not terribly distressing. It’s just a name.

        1. Gen X Karen*

          I have that same issue. I have emails where Karen B is asking for the status of a lab project that Karen G was working on so that she knows when I (Karen H) will have it ready for release. I got forwarded an email today where a colleague gave guidance of “…ask Karen if you need more clarification,” and the person needing help pointed out that there are 8 of us in the organization (although some could easily be eliminated from consideration for the question).

      4. Guacamole Bob*

        Or a Fortune 500 CEO (there was a story a few years back about how there were more Fortune 500 CEOs named John than women, though I believe that’s shifted).

        Regardless, men with very typical anglo-saxon names like John, James, Matthew, Mark, Michael, Robert, William, etc. get pretty used to having others with those names around. In my large company I regularly work with multiple of each of the names I listed here. We manage.

        1. anonymous anteater*

          Yup, at some point the numbers 1 and 2 in our leadership were both Bill, but still no women. Also multiple Peters and Steves around the workplace.

          1. Guacamole Bob*

            I can only think of one of each of those that I work with regularly at the moment, but yeah. I know several of each.

          2. Worldwalker*

            In the tabletop game industry there are two groundbreaking, famous game designers named Steve Jackson. One is in the US, the other is in the UK. They get confused for each other by their fans, asked to autograph the wrong guy’s stuff, etc. The fact that one of them once wrote something published by the other doesn’t help!

      5. another Jessica*

        Oddly enough I’ve only had one job where that happened.

        I will say, at first the longer tenured Jessica opted to go by Jess in an effort for things to be less confusing. But she clearly was not super into having a name change herself, and now it’s just not an issue. Also, both of us get nicknamed as Jess and while neither of us have a problem with being called that – it’s also clearly not our primary name.

        Whenever it might be confusing, surnames come into play but it truly is so much less difficult in practice.

    3. allathian*

      My coworker went on a 6-month job rotation to a sister org recently, and when we hired his temporary replacement, one of the candidates we considered interviewing had the same first name as I do, as well as the same middle initial and last name initial as I do.

      I was rather relieved to realize that she lacked a must-have skill so that we didn’t have to interview her after all. Obviously having the same name as an established employee, even including middle initials and last name initials, should never be a reason not to hire a great candidate, but in our case it would’ve been even more awkward than usual because we do the same job. I strongly suspect that I would’ve been Arya senior and my coworker Arya junior if we’d hired her. For a temporary situation I could’ve lived with that, but I expect that a potential long-term coworker wouldn’t have liked that.

      That said, in another department we have a Ned Stark and a Ned Start, as in there’s a one-letter difference in their last names, and they do the same job. I’ve heard that their team uses their last names with no honorifics. It’s a bit weird, but using last names for men is a lot easier than using last names for women, especially without honorifics.

      1. Emmy Noether*

        At my place we have a John William and a Jon Williams (first names spelled differently but pronounced the same, last names one letter apart). They’re always referred to by full name (with extra emphasis on that s in Williams), so they can be told apart in conversation, but they get emails meant for the other ALL the time. Autocomplete will always propose the wrong one. They have a sense of humour about it, which is probably the only way to deal with it.

        1. Myrin*

          I was on the hiring panel for a position working somewhat closely with mine and one of the candidates had my name except for having a “u” in her surname where I have an “ü”. My surname is very rare here (although pretty common in a region on the other side of the country) and I’ve seen people on the internet with the exact same name as me (down to the “ü”) but never as a potential coworker!

          I had to sternly tell myself to not be ridiculous and stop hoping for her to not get the job simply because this would have been logistically confusing (nevermind probably hilarious to all of my coworkers).

          However, I was very impressed by her interview, which quickly helped me get over this weird hangup I found myself having. She even became my second choice but when our first choice declined, I was outvoted and we ultimately went with another candidate. I do wonder what it would’ve been like had she been hired, though, especially since it happens pretty regularly that people mishear or misread my name and make it hers instead; I bet we would’ve received a lot of misdirected emails and calls.

        2. Lily Rowan*

          Yeah, I have a coworker named “Lillie Rohan” and I’m honestly surprised I don’t get more of her email! It’s just not a big deal.

      2. AnonForThis*

        I used to work somewhere with multiple “John Smith”s, they had a fun roulette of each others mail/emails. I’ve also had coworkers with the same first name as me, one of whom shared the same middle & last initials as well. It might be confusing at first, but honestly people who work routinely with us/them learnt ways to distinguish between anyone with shared names.

        1. PhyllisB*

          This reminds me of an old joke: someone was calling the law fiirm of Smith Smith & Smith. Person answers: “Smith Smith & Smith. May I help you?” Caller: “Yes. May I speak to Mr. Smith?” P: “I’m sorry, he’s not in. May I take a message?” C: Well, can I speak to Mr. Smith? P: He’s with a client right now.” C: Well, I’ll speak to Mr Smith then.” P: “Speaking.”

          1. Annie*

            haha, yeah, we have a 2 Bills, a Will and a William. Somehow we always know which Bill is being referenced, and people outside our team often call the Bills William, and the Will William, and the William Will, because they are all Williams on email.

      3. Glorie*

        Is there some reason you couldn’t just use full names (first/last) for both you and her where context did not make it clear enough? That seems like an obvious, easy and common solution – we do it all the time (I’ll bring Muhammad Aslam in on this/I’ll pass this along to Muhammad Abbas). Why would you use senior/junior designations?

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I wonder if the automatically generated email addresses were first name + middle & last initial.

          1. Salty Caramel*

            I’m in IT and I’ve never seen auto-generated email addresses with middle names or initials (not saying it doesn’t happen, just that I haven’t seen it in 25 years of experience). In case of first/last duplication there are checks in place to add a number.

            1. Notwithstanding the Foregoing*

              I had a middle initial in my work email because another person with the same first and last name worked there and she started first. It was how the company set emails when there were multiple employees with the same name.

      4. AF Vet*

        This becomes the reason for nicknames, or even better, callsigns. Callsigns are usually earned, typically accompanying a very funny / mildly embarrassing story. In the US Air Force, aircrew usually have their callsign on their uniform, rather than their name.

        1. Christmas Carol*

          Ewan McGregors’ brother, Colin, is a RAF pilot. According to the internet, which is always complely reliable, is call sign is Obi Two

    4. MendraMarie*

      My name is fairly uncommon, but there’s often been one other person with my name where I work – even at a tiny place where there were only six of seven of us. The only time it was even a little bit confusing was at a place where the other “me” had a surname easily confused for mine, and we got used to forwarding each other mis-directed requests. We used it as a point of connection!

    5. kanomi*

      I also thought LW was unreasonable. Maybe Arya badly needed the job and was afraid of a dealbreaker.

      The idea of a parking lot full of outraged workers smashing into each other while trying to back into spots in LW4 was great, though.

      1. Colorado Winters*

        I was thinking the same thing about Arya needing the job. If I really wanted/needed that job, I’d agree to something like going by my last name.

    6. Worldwalker*

      My husband, who has a moderately uncommon first name, once worked for a company of about 20 people with someone who shared the first name. Both of them have very unusual last names. So a client would call and ask for and ask for Tyrion. “Which one?” … “The one with the weird last name” … “Which one?” … “The one with glasses” … “Which one??? … they were both about the same height, about the same age, about the same hair type … the only good way to distinguish them on a phone call was their last names. Which the clients never remembered (even just initials). That same company had two people named Greg with similar one-syllable last names … let’s say Stark and Steak. This caused similar confusion, though not quite as much because only one of them generally interacted with clients.

      1. Hijinx*

        I was at work once and saw someone completely unexpected walking towards me, and I watched my brain go through all the various associations I had with him as I tried to work out who he was, like a game of Guess Who. He’s not a colleague – he’s a friend of my partner’s – I’ve been to the pub with him and his wife, they’re both lovely – that was when we were living in another country – he’s about five years older than me – he’s a doctor – his name’s Pete — DAMMIT THAT STILL LEAVE TWO PEOPLE!

        As soon as he said, “Bamcheeks, fancy seeing you here!” I knew exactly which Pete he was. But how do I know two people who meet all these random conditions and are BOTH called Pete?!

    7. GammaGirl1908*

      I remember this letter also. I could only figure that this LW had an uncommon name, such that it was her first time not being the only person with her name, so she was newly discombobulated by it. It was such a complete non-issue, and she thought it was close to the end of the world.

      (Super-common name-haver here.)

      1. EchoGirl*

        Uncommon name person here — it’s definitely a little weirder when you’re not used to it. I think the Jennifers, Johns, etc. of the world often get used to being in spaces where they’re not the only person with their name, while for me it was very unusual to hear anyone say my name unless they were talking to ME. I had a teacher once who had a similar name to me (not even identical, but they sound pretty similar) and I never got over the reflex to turn my head, or at least start paying more attention, when I would hear a fellow student say something that sounded like my name, even when it was clear from the context that they were talking to the teacher. I’m just so hardwired that when I hear that series of sounds, it means me.

        That being said, I don’t think asking the new hire to use a different name is reasonable. But it really does feel different when it’s abnormal for you.

        1. bamcheeks*

          My mum’s name was very uncommon in her generation in England, but became one of the Popular Names apparently overnight in the 90s. So after ~40 years of “if I hear my name, it’s definitely me”, she was suddenly surrounded by people scolding dogs and toddlers with her name. :D

          1. Mostly Managing*

            That happened to me, too.
            I’m the only one *my* age, but there are squillions of women with my name who are about my kids’ ages.
            This doens’t bother me, but it can be very amusing to watch people’s faces as they meet me for the first time after a series of emails. I am NOT the generation they were expecting me to be!! :)

          2. Blarg*

            I’ve still never met another person with my name (which isn’t really a name, but a slang term in another language). But about a decade ago, a product with the same name became rather popular. The first time I absentmindedly heard one of the commercials I was quite startled, as though the TV were talking directly to me.

            Upside: More people pronounce my name correctly, and I can say “I’m [name], like the [product].” Downside: I don’t think the product is all that good, so that’s weird.

      2. Nightengale*

        My name is relatively uncommon (I have met 3 other people with it in my lifetime?) but I grew up in the era when everyone was named Jennifer and there were always kids in my class called David D and David R. My mother grew up in the era when everyone was named Janet or Susan. My grandmother was one of two people with her same first and last name in her high school. I would expect most people with unusual names to still be familiar with how people with the same name manage in school or workplaces.

        Although my favorite solution has to be from a social group/club in college where people with common names often chose (not were forced into) nicknames. One mathy person appended ‘ (prime) after their name. So the group had, say, Alex and Alex prime. Eventually that person’s nickname morphed simply into “Prime” and I knew them for some time before learning their name used in other settings.

    8. Causing chaos*

      I’m currently causing mass confusion as I onboard someone with the boss’ name. Their skills are so different that when I’m talking about our new hire I’m getting a lot of shocked expressions – and have to clarify ‘not the boss!’

      It’s amusing at the moment but won’t take long for people to adjust and figure it out from context.

    9. lanfy*

      I once worked at a small company that had so many name repeats that we joked we only hired people who has the same name as an existing employee.

      Gondor did not fall.

    10. Kjinsea*

      At one job, there were 5 women named Kim across 3 departments that all overlapped often. Sure it was confusing- but not that hard either.

      2. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

        At one job, we had 4 Mikes. On orientation day, as I was being introduced to everyone, I joked, “If I have a question, I’m just going to yell for Mike and someone’s bound to come over and know the answer.” It was only mostly a joke.

        My first grade class also had 4 Mikes (Michael was the most common male name for most of American history) so I guess I learned early on how to deal.

        The semester at all girls’ Catholic school that I took had a class of 24 students and 6 of them were variations of Krissy or Kristi was tough though.

    11. linger*

      I’ve probably mentioned this one before, but on my first day teaching in Japan, taking the roll for a lecture class of ca. 100 students, I found I had *three* students all named “Miho Suzuki”.
      [This was the (even more common) Japanese equivalent of “Jane Smith”, so maybe not so unexpected; but the range of permissible personal names expanded considerably in subsequent years, so I never again had the same problem.]
      Anyway, being new and clueless, I suggested the Mihos choose adjectives as distinguishing titles. One immediately offered “Miho the Cute” — which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy, as she sat smiling sweetly while the other two glowered at having missed that opportunity.

    12. Nina*

      In a previous workplace we had Jo B, Jo S, and Joe Warehouse (who worked in, no surprises, the warehouse). No problems.

      1. Be Gneiss*

        I work with 3 Heathers who all do very different jobs. Based on who you are talking to, they end up being Heather, Other Heather, and No, – the Other-Other Heather.

    13. Thomas*

      300 in my org here and loads of repeated first names including a seven, a six, and a few fives. And a pair with the same uncommon spelling of a common name. And that’s not even considering a bunch of staff who don’t use email.

      Mostly name in department works, but there’s a few with the same name in the same department. Only times I’ve seen confusion was with two people (one being me) in different departments with similar enough roles, and when we had two people with the same first and last name although one wasn’t an email user.

    14. londonedit*

      Definitely – I don’t think I’ve ever worked anywhere where we didn’t have multiples of the same name at some point, even when I was at a small company. There are inevitably lots of Sarahs and lots of Matts. So you just do Sarah C and Sarah M, or you do Contracts Matt and Design Matt, or whatever. It’s easy enough to come up with ways to differentiate so that people know who you’re talking about.

    15. Jamoche*

      I was on a team that had three Steves. There was another Steve in the management chain, and a very famous CEO Steve. There was a certain inflection everyone had when they meant CEO Steve in “Steve says…”, other than that we figured it out from context.

    16. Jake Purralta*

      I’m shocked this is such a big issue to them. I once worked in a team of 32, and there were 9 David’s. It never caused issues, if you were unsure which David someone was speaking about you clarified.

    17. Nebula*

      I have a fairly uncommon name, but even so I have worked with other people with the same name as me. In one org, we were always getting emails meant for each other (we both have surnames close together alphabetically, which I think didn’t help). She ended up as my manager for a while, and I honestly think that one of the reasons for putting us on a team together was that it made it easier for everyone else to just see us a unit rather than remembering which one of us they meant to contact.

    18. Quoth the Raven*

      I was once one of two Jessicas* in a team of 10. We both went by Jess and didn’t really like being called Jessica. Since my hair is dyed red and the other Jessica’s was grey, we chose to go by “Red Jess” and “Grey Jess”. It did cause a bit of confusion sometimes when someone randomly called out for “Jess” without the adjective, but it wasn’t anything earth-shattering that couldn’t be solved with “No, the other Jess”.

    19. Same name*

      At my work, there’s another employee who has the same first, middle, and last name as me! Luckily they work in a different unit in another municipality — but still!

    20. Czhorat*

      Yeah, the other thing that jumps out at me about the name thing is that OG Arya seemed to ignore the power differential in an interview and may not have realized that new-and-improved Arya was very likely being agreeable in order to get the job.

      At my current employment we have two Toms; at a prior there were no fewer than three Bobs. It’s never been at all a big deal, and I suspect in OP’s job it wasn’t either, unless OP made it one.

    21. Account*

      Yes this seems to be a person with an unusual name, if they haven’t run into this before! Most of my teams have had more than one William, more than one Maria, more than one Dave.

    22. Momof3*

      My kids (very small!) Montessori preschool had no less than 4 teachers with the name “Jennifer”. There were only about 8-10 teachers total (Montessori classrooms always have 2 teachers).

      Fortunately, only 1 preferred the whole name and the remaining 3 were happy to go by variations like Jen, Jenny, and J!

    23. Cat Tree*

      I was recently in a meeting of 8 people and there were only 3 different first names between us. We managed.

    24. ticktick*

      I worked somewhere where there were two people with extremely common first and last names – like John Smith. One of them got so irritated by people asking if there was a nickname or other identifier he should go by that he said, “It’s just f***ing John Smith!”, and from that day forward, there was John Smith, and J.F. John Smith. I believe “J.F. John Smith” may even have been put on the cubicle name plate.

    25. Bunny*

      Let’s say my name is Anne. Early in my career, there was another Anne in the workplace. There was also a Dan. And a Fran. And a Jan. And Pam. You get the idea. This is was a job in which I regularly interacted with first responders, which I did VERY well, so they often called the workplace and asked for me by my last name, because cops and firefighters calling in a tip have no time for who’s-on-first-shenanigans.

      Throughout my 30-year reporting career I was always known by distinctive last name. It’s also a sign of respect among first responders, so I did my job well. Anya 1, why don’t you use your last name?

    26. HonorBox*

      I went to school in a small community. Because it was a popular name at the time, my first name was shared by two other guys in my class…of 40. So 7.5% of the class had the same name. We also had two Jasons. It was never a big issue. Teachers figured it out. We all figured it out. Sometimes there were last initials added. Sometimes we got referred to by last name. Other times it was painfully obvious which one of us they were talking to/about. It really isn’t that big a deal.

      1. HonorBox*

        Shoot. Just remembered too that we had two Michaels. That meant that of the entire class, there were three names that were shared by 17.5% of the class. And because we had an odd gender breakdown, it was 23% of the guys in the room. Still was never an issue.

      2. Turquoisecow*

        My graduating class from high school was 52 kids and 5 Michaels. Most of them went by their last name except Michael Lewis, who always went by his first name because there was also a Louis (who usually went by Louie). It was fine.

        My husband’s small start up at one point had three people named Tim. They numbered them in the order they were hired but also just used their last names if there was confusion about which one, “oh yeah thanks for that info, Tim Jones, I’ll ask Tim Smith to look into it.” I don’t think any of the Tims were bothered.

    27. BW*

      I worked at a company that had 3 people named Dick Smith. Emails were always going to the wrong person.

      1. anonymous anteater*

        lol, if only you had all worked at Dick Smith’s! That’s a NZ chain of electronics stores.

      2. EvilQueenRegina*

        I had that in my old job – let’s say my coworker was Dick Smith to use your example, and HR hired another Dick Smith on a temporary contract. Our guy was always getting emails meant for the other one about things like people’s sick leave. The HR guy ended up logging a job with IT so that our guy’s job title was also in his Outlook entry (had the added benefit of him being displayed first as Smith, Dick (HR), with Smith, Dick (Llamas) underneath it).

    28. Nameless*

      A few jobs ago we had two Daniels, two Sams, and two Jacks. One of the Jacks reported to the other. It was 100% absolutely fine.

    29. Bast*

      The first firm I worked at was larger, and managed to have multiple name twins. Thankfully, all the names twins worked in different departments, so when someone called in and asked for Lisa, you’d have Real Estate Lisa and Divorce Lisa. Similarly, you had Maintenance Bob and Criminal Bob, and Criminal Susan and PI Susan, and Accounts Jane and HR Jane. The context usually made it pretty clear who you were talking about; the confusion came in more when someone would call or come in and ask for “Lisa” and you’d have to ask if they were buying a house or getting divorced, since if you asked, “Are you looking for Lisa Smith or Lisa Jackson” usually elicited a blank stare.

    30. cloudy*

      My first name is on the common side! I had a college class that had around 16 people in it, but 5 of us had the same first name. It honestly never caused issues – you can just add the last name (first letter if possible or full) on to the end when you need to specify, but often that wasn’t even necessary because you can tell based on nonverbal communication/context.

      My current office doesn’t have anyone else with the same name as me, but it does have like 7 Katies!

      Asking someone to go by a different name is odd to me to be honest. I’d have been a bit put off if a teacher had asked me to do this in school. It’s so hard to adjust to a new name for yourself anyway – introductions are such a strong habit that when I changed my legal name, I accidentally introduced myself by my former name by mistake at least 50% of the time.

    32. LaurCha*

      Right? It won’t be a “nightmare”. As a GenXer I know approximately 4000 people named Jennifer and Michelle. When I started teaching there were tons of Britneys, Ambers, and Megans. Teachers cope with it, friend groups cope with it, and LW 3 can learn to cope with it. It’s just not that big a deal.

    33. epicdemiologist*

      Not work but school–in my class of 20 in our physical therapist assistant program, there were 2 Lauras, a Lori, a Lauren and a Lila.

    34. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      No one in my office has my same first name, but someone has basically my name in reverse–my last name is a male first name and my first name has a couple slightly different versions of it that are a last name. (not quite the same, but think like Joan Michael–> Michael Jones) So, I would often get his email. The funnier thing is the same is true for my stepson–we have each others’ names in reverse.

    35. CommanderBanana*

      I’m an 80s baby and every year we had multiple Jessicas, Jennifers and Stephanies in every class at school. My last office had 3 Jennifers in the same department. This is so not a big deal and I don’t know why LW is making it one. Asking someone to go by their last name is bizarre.

    36. PhyllisB*

      I remember when this letter posted but can’t remember if I commented. Try having the same first and last name!! My husband has a sister named Phyllis so when we married our town had TWO PhyllisB’s. That may not sound like a big deal but in those days our town was smaller and everyone knew everyone. One of us would call Pizza Hut for delivery it would be delivered to the other one and things like that. The worse was phone calls. I had the phone listed in my name because I worked for the phone company and got a discount for keeping it in my name. She worked at the navy base and some of her sailor friends would get a snootful and call at 3 am. Hubby and I didn’t know each other very long when we got married and he would get very upset until I reminded him they were calling for his sister. We were happy for several reasons when she got married.
      At family gatherings they just call me first name-middle-name.

      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        Yes! I have a family member who married someone with the same first name as his sister, so for a while there were two people called Donna UnusualLastName in the same small town. To make it more complicated, one of them was Donna Jean UnusualLastName, and the other was Donna Jane UnusualLastName.

        I think everyone was happy when the sister finally got married and became the one and only Donna OrdinaryLastName!

    37. Loredena*

      At an earlier employer the founders were both named Steve and so were the first few employees. They all went by either their surname or a shortened version of same. Much more confusing was when we hired a junior consultant with the same names as a vp, and that was mostly an issue for email!

    38. Grimey*

      We changed HR managers at one point, and the next five staff hires were all people named Stacy, except all five spelled it differently. We joked that HR didn’t realize other names were available but at least they’d given us a way to tell them apart. Also, like most other hires, they had last names.

    39. Notwithstanding the Foregoing*

      I have a very common first name (for people my age) and a moderately common last name. At my last company there were two of us with the same first and last name. There are three people at my husbands company with the same first and last name as him. In every classroom and group of more than 20 people who are within 5 years of my age, there is almost always another person who shares the same first name as me.

      Having two or more people in the same department with the same first name is incredibly common. I would be very annoyed if I was asked to go by a different name.

    40. Terrie*

      In my department, the boss is named John, there’s a worker named John, and another worker whose husband is named John. They are known as Boss John, Work John and Husband John.

    41. Csethiro Ceredin*

      For a while more than 10% of the staff in our office were named Emily. There were a few “wrong Emily!” instances but overall if anything we laughed about it.

    42. Chick-n-boots*

      Agreed! Heck, at my office (of about 40 people) we have 3 sets of people with the same name – and it’s no big deal! Most of the time, as you noted, the context of the convo makes it clear who is being talked to (or about) and when it’s not, people say like “did you mean Sally K or Sally T?” And we figure it out. It’s really not that big a deal!

    43. Always Tired*

      I had a coworker who was same first name, same last initial. (Think Samantha Doe to my Samantha Daw) and the only saving grace was that I was first alphabetically overall since I was HR. 2-3 times a week I would get a project related email intended for her, whereas I think she got one in the entire two years we worked together. I would frequently respond to an email cc’ing her going “I really hope this is for the other Jane because buddy, I got no clue.”

      But I would never have dreamed to ask her to go by a different name, or even a different nickname, because that’s her name. There is enough room in the world for two Sams.

    44. Pixel*

      I am solidly Gen X, and…I am also a Jennifer. It wasn’t until I started working in IT (3 decades ago, when women in IT weren’t as common) that I escaped having at least one other Jennifer in the immediate vicinity.

      That said, the problem I had, at the previous job, was with the other woman in the department. Our names are completely different, all three of them, but we have identical initials (so my usual trick of signing quick e-mails with all three initials didn’t work) and people would get us mixed up ALL THE TIME. We do not look even the slightest bit alike except that we are both Caucasian — height, weight, build, hair, all different — AND we worked on different teams, she on Unix and me on Windows, but apparently the fact that we both possess lady parts and worked in the same department made us identical.

      Grrr.

    45. Kit*

      I think my perspective is probably biased by having almost always had at least one other classmate with the same name-and-nickname from kindergarten on forward, through my undergrad days. Having to disambiguate by last initial or context has always been an ordinary thing! (I since switched to a new nickname and am usually the only Kit in any given space, but the formative experiences are still in my brain.)

      And I’m realizing that we have a couple duplicate names in the family – my dad’s aunts both married Joes and the subsequent generations have kept including them, there are Daves all over, and so on. It’s just… normal to me? Humans are tremendously adaptable, we figure it out.

    46. I was first*

      I worked with someone with the same first name; turned out we had the same middle name as well.

      And I’ve also worked with someone with the same first name and initial of last name.

      Somehow we all survied.

    47. Meep*

      Also, one could 100% be more “social” and one be more “professional”. I.e. Call me Arya when we are shooting the breeze. Call me Stark when you want to make sure I know this is my assigned work instead of the other Arya.

      It is such a non-issue.

    48. L*

      When I started at my organization, we had an 8 person department, of which 3 were named Rob, plus there was a Bob in another department. Later, when I moved into a role that’s split between two departments, both my managers were named Alex, one a man and one a woman.

  2. Not your typical admin*

    Mom of multiple kids who do music lessons here. I wouldn’t worry about it at all. Honestly, sometimes I want my kids teachers to “get on to them” if they come unprepared. I have 2 teens who I expect to be totally independent, and a 10 year old who I remind to grab her book on the way out the door. I look at it as an excellent opportunity to teach responsibility.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My internal fan fiction? Dad is the parent committed to the idea of piano lessons for all his children – so he’s in charge of riding herd on the one(s) who don’t keep up.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Wouldn’t he then also be the point of contact for the teacher, and therefore the parent the LW would have emailed with the apology?

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          He WASN’T but from here on out he will be because Mom learned to set boundaries. ;)

      2. aett*

        Regardless of who is the most committed to the lessons, it does seem clear to me that the dad is the one who is there to make sure that the kids are prepared and on task.

        My kids have ADHD and autism. During the pandemic, my oldest was taking an after-school online coding class, but by the time it started, his ADHD meds were wearing off and he was easily distracted and not paying attention like he would in school (which was also online at the time). Once we found out that he hadn’t been focusing, my wife and I took turns sitting in on his classes to help redirect his attention.

        If my kids were taking piano lessons and I found out that the teacher was upset because one of them wasn’t prepared, we would *absolutely* be making sure that didn’t happen again.

    2. Learn ALL the things*

      As someone who took in-home music lessons as a kid, one of my parents was usually in the room for my lessons. Not because they wanted to keep an eye on my teacher (who was a close family friend) but because I have what we now know to be ADHD, but girls in the 90s were wildly underdiagnosed so at the time I was just seen as a flighty, daydreamy kid with a bad short term memory. Having somebody in the room who could remind me where my books were or check in with me a few days later and remind me to do my written theory assignment was really helpful.

    3. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      I agree with this one. I want teachers, tutors, etc, to reinforce my lessons that Accountability is a thing. Future bosses, law enforcement, customers, etc, are going to expect and demand it; I want my children to be prepared for it.

    4. learnedthehardway*

      Agreed – sometimes, my kids listen to other adults more than they do to me. And kids DO occasionally “need to be told”.

      Perhaps the mom is taking it personally, but the dad seems to be fully on board. I expect that the mom will come around over time, as she realizes that her kid is actually getting themselves prepared for lessons ahead of time.

    5. Rebecca*

      Oh, yep. I teach kids, and there are a lot of parents who are paying me to be the bad guy for them. Teaching your own kids is hard – I struggle to teach my own eve though I’m good at my job – and a lot of parents want or need the reinforcement from the teachers and other caregivers.

      1. English Teacher*

        +1. Another teacher here thinking along the same lines.

        Unless “chastised the child and brought the situation to the attention of her older siblings” means something much harsher than what it sounds like, that’s pretty much what I do on a daily basis. if I’m lucky enough to have siblings in the same school, you better bet I’m going to talk to the more responsible one about keeping the less responsible one on task! They usually find it hilarious.

    7. Momma Bear*

      After six years and multiple kids the parents know LW well. I bet that they realized that this one needs more parental involvement than the others and dad stepped up to do it.

  3. IT Relationship Manager*

    I worked with three Michaels in an office and we just called them by their whole name. Never had an issue! Seems overbearing to make someone agree to go by a different name without even an incident to cite as a reason.

    There’s some upper level positions that we use last names for because of same names but it’s just when talking about them and not something they need to refer themselves as.

    1. Marie Antoin-not*

      Once I was on a project team with 3 Jasons.

      I did feel like that was excessive and maybe there was a team in need of a Jason and we had him?

      All was fine with Ponytail Jason, Facial hair Jason, and Geographical nickname Jason, until 1 shaved and 1 cut his hair.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I worked with our Jane (in the same team), downstairs Jane (our office was multiple floors) and Jane in-other-department.

        I have a colleague with an unusual name, but when sending emails, the automatic address filler function doesn’t always put their name in, as they don’t go by the part which fills in first.

      2. jane's nemesis*

        I was once on a team with 4 Laurens, three with the same last initial and two with the same middle name. And I, as a non-Lauren, was often called Lauren by our supervisor

    2. PepperVL*

      I work in an office with about 60 employees. We have 3 Matts, 2 Margarets, 2 Amys, 2 Bobs, & 2 Jennifers. We also have a Brian and a Bryan, a Sandra and a Sondra (both of whom use Sandy as a nickname), a Ted and a Tedd, & an Allie and an Ally. And until recently, we had a Steven & a Stephen. That’s literally 1/3 of our employees share a first name with someone else in the office.

    3. Spencer Hastings*

      “There’s some upper level positions that we use last names for because of same names but it’s just when talking about them and not something they need to refer themselves as.”

      Yeah, we have a few of these too. There are two managers named “Steve” — often in casual conversation, we’ll say “send that over to Jones” or whatever. But emails to either of them will start “Hi Steve”, and if it’s totally obvious which one is meant (they’re in different departments), they’re just referred to as “Steve”, and so on.

    4. Wayward Sun*

      My real name is David and I once shared an office with another David. One of us had to become “Dave” to avoid confusion, although since one of us was tall and blonde and the other was short and dark-haired most people just called us ‘Legolas’ and ‘Gimli’.

      1. bamcheeks*

        Ha! Which are you?

        I had a job where both my grandboss and my great-grandboss were called Emma. I once said in a meeting, “What does Emma think? Not our Emma, Super Emma. I mean.” Everyone knew immediately what I meant and after that we never called Super Emma anything else.

    5. Numbersmouse*

      When I started grad school, my department had two Matts in the same year but in different programs, so we simply referred to them as “PhD Matt” and “MA Matt”. The next year, however, another Matt was admitted to the PhD program, and we had to switch to “Modern Matt” and “Medieval Matt” (in addition to “MA Matt” who was soon to graduate), reflecting their contrasting subject areas. I never did find out what would happen if we got another medievalist with the same name.

    6. Anonymous Cornellian*

      And then there was the freshman writing seminar with ~15 students, all named variations of the sane name.
      Mary. Marie. Mari. Marianne. Mary Ellen…. you get the idea.

      I broke the ice and volunteered to go by my family name.

      1. ggg*

        Kid’s class of 15 preschoolers had two Leos and three Maximos. I have also managed a team made up entirely of Andrews.

    8. Anonymouse617*

      Been one of three Kathys in a department before. We would do Cathy with a C, Kathy A. and Kathy T. If clients didn’t remember which Kathy was their Kathy, we would ask them Sales Kathy, Customer Relations Kathy or Trainer Cathy (though we could usually figure it out based on the issue they were calling about).

    9. Coffee Protein Drink*

      I’ve never found this an issue, either in friends groups or at work. I have to wonder what else is at work in the LW’s head here.

    10. Waiting on the bus*

      We once had three Alexanders in our company, each preferring to go by Alexander at work, rather than a nickname; their surnames all started with the same letter and were at least nine letters long. Two of them were on the same team.

      We’d do full names as well to differentiate between the Alexanders. The first name and surname get smashed together after a while and I loved how melodious that made their names sound.

    11. Kit*

      Oh oh oh, this reminds me of my mom’s coworkers, who had so many Mikes that they ended up with some pretty funny dismabiguations, most notably Velociraptor Mike.

      And of course, Education Mike lives on in AAM infamy forever. RIP, Education Mike.

    1. Jackalope*

      It’s a skill that many people have (and I personally find it to be the easiest way to park), but it’s also the least common way – at least in areas I’ve parked – to be a requirement. Lots of people never get practice with it and aren’t comfortable backing their cars into a space. I’ve also noticed that many people who are good and competent drivers have one way of parking that they find uncomfortable and try to avoid.

      1. a bright young reporter with a point of view*

        Yeah, the replies are a bit surprising to me. Most people do not reverse park in my neck of the woods, it was not in Behind the Wheel, in many cases it causes problems because people aren’t expecting you to do it, and lots of the parking lots around here are angled so you really can’t. I’m not bothered if people do, of course, but it’s a little fancy! All to say, while it’s a good thing to learn, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for LW to be taken aback.

    2. Marie Antoin-not*

      Objection. If you’d rather not reverse park, can you pull through 2 parking spots so that you are facing out? Or can you reverse park where there is more open space on either side to give you more clearance and confidence?

      There are many options to resolve this. Period.

      1. GammaGirl1908*

        I know this is a 2014 letter, but I was coming to mention this. LW could try to find two end-to-end spaces and pull through them so they are facing outward, and that could solve it. The requirement is not actually to back into parking spaces; the requirement is to exit parking spaces driving forward, however you make that happen. But ultimately I agree that being able to back up with some precision is an important skill (not least because if you park facing forward into a parking space, you still have to back up with precision), so backing into a space is a skill that they probably should learn.

        I also think this is a geographical bugaboo. A lot of people who say they never have to do this probably live somewhere with a lot of wide open spaces, where parking is not at a premium, and they never have to struggle to find a parking space or think too hard about it. People who take pride in the fact that they can park anywhere, any place, anytime, anyhow live somewhere where parking is drama.

        1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          Where would there be a space that you could access by backing in and not by driving in and backing out? (Aside from the “you must do it this way” situation here.) I can’t visualize it.

            1. The Cosmic Avenger*

              All my office parking has been like this, in multi-level garages next to or under the office building. I’ve never had a spot I could pull through at work.

            2. IT Relationship Manager*

              Also a good time to remind people that if a spot in a garage is slanted, it’s in a one way path and you can’t back into those spots!

              We have over zealous pick up truck drivers who think it’s okay to back into a spot in every situation who get parking tickets!

              1. Cmdrshprd*

                “Also a good time to remind people that if a spot in a garage is slanted, it’s in a one way path and you can’t back into those spots!”

                I don’t know about that. I think you can still back into those spots, it just takes a little bit more time and a bit more practice.

                Most of the time backing into a spot does not take a lot more time, maybe an extra minute or two depending on the skill level. So backing into a slanted spot might only be an extra 3/4 minutes. Not really a long time, and considering the safety reduction of backing aka pulling forward when leaving it is worth it.

                I have not done a scientific test, but I would guess the overall time in parking when factoring in backing in and pulling forward are about the time as pulling forward to park and backing out to leave, I think all it really changes is when you take more time, either at the beginning or at the end.

                1. bye*

                  It’s not that you can’t back into slanted spots because it’s harder, it’s because there’s one-way traffic and backing into a spot just doesn’t make sense.

                2. Cmdrshprd*

                  @bye
                  I disagree that it does not make sense.

                  I don’t get what the difference in one way versus two way traffic makes for backing in. I think maybe because you think in one way it blocks traffic but in two way it does not, but in my experience when backing in it blocks all traffic even if it is one way or two way.

                  Even with one way slanted spots, I think it still makes more sense and is safer to back into the spot, because it is easier to see other cars, but more importantly pedestrians walking by when pulling out. Yes you need to spend a little more time pull out and around then normal. But I think the reduction in accidents is worth it. Its not like it would take someone 15/20 minutes instead of the normal time, I would say it only takes 2-5 mins longer at most.

          2. Momof3*

            A parking situation that dumps directly onto a busy street.

            I see it all the time where I live, with houses & driveways whose only access is a 55mph road that’s practically bumper-to-bumper during high-traffic times.

            No one but the inexperienced pull head-first into their driveways. Everyone backs in, so when they leave, it’s safer & they don’t have to wait for a mythical break in traffic to back out & then start driving.

            1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

              That makes sense, thanks! I was thinking of parking lots/garages or residential streets with lower speed limits.

          3. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

            Anywhere where there’s only one row of parking spaces. I thought the same thing, but if there’s only one row, you have to back in in this instance. Which…I’d have to learn backing in in a hurry. Where I’m at, it’s technically part of the driving test, but in a bizarre and bonkers way that in no way prepares you to actually back into a parking space. I’m a recent driver, but I just learned what I needed to to pass the test and then promptly forgot the convoluted method they espouse. I keep thinking one of these days, I’ll take the car to a big lot and try it with no cars around, but it honestly hasn’t been an issue for 5 years.

      2. N C Kiddle*

        This is how my dad parks whenever he has the opportunity, and for good measure once he stops the car he announces, “I always back in.”

        2. Spacewoman Spiff*

          hahaha same, and then a brief aside on the safety benefits of backing into a parking spot :)

      3. Beany*

        “There are many options to resolve this. Period.”

        I think this is a pretty strong assertion, given that we don’t know how LW’s work parking lot is arranged. I’ve been in many parking lots where pulling through is impossible, because the spaces are only one-car deep (e.g. they line the property wall), or have raised concrete dividers between them that would damage the undercarriage if you tried to drive through.

        Similarly, we don’t know how wide these spaces are, or whether LW’s own car is big or compact.

    3. Wayward Sun*

      I’ve also found that a backup camera makes it far easier to do with confidence, especially one with guide lines.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Yes, agreed. My 2016 car has a rear camera and 360° parking sensors, both of which make reverse parking trivially easy (easier than forward parking, in fact) but those were distinctly non-standard in 2014 when LW wrote in.

        Someone really struggling with a similar problem in 2024 could consider booking an hour or two with a qualified driving instructor for some focused training.

    4. Msd*

      I can certainly drive and have been for over 50 years. I can count on one hand the number of times I have had to reverse park. Reverse parking is not a basic skill and not having does not mean you can’t drive.

      1. Beany*

        I learned to drive in Ireland, many moons ago. At the time, the hardest skill** was reversing around a corner — roughly equivalent to backing into a space in terms of skill, but far less likely to be necessary in real life. Nevertheless, if you couldn’t do it to the tester’s satisfaction, you’d very likely not pass the test overall. I.e., as far as the authorities were concerned, it really did mean you couldn’t drive.

        (**The next hardest was hill starts, but that’s only really an issue with manual transmissions.)

        1. PhyllisB*

          Oh yes. My first car was a 1962 VW. Not only did I have to learn to drive a stick (a very handy skill to have) but how to stop on a hill without rolling back. My stepfather made the decree that I couldn’t leave the neighborhood until I learned how to stop without rolling. I can’t tell you how many times we went up that hill with me crying “I CAN’T DO THIS!!” And him saying, “If you want to drive you will.” I learned.

      2. Cmdrshprd*

        ” Reverse parking is not a basic skill and not having does not mean you can’t drive.”

        But unless you only every parallel park, or always happen to have the space in front of you open when you leave, if you pull forward into a spot it means you need to reverse out of the spot when leaving. So reverse parking/driving as a skill would likely be pretty common.

        Reversing out of parking spots is much more dangerous and leads to more accidents versus driving forward out of a spot.

        Sure maybe you have not had to use it much, but if you learned how to drive, you should be able to learn how to reverse park, it is a skill that is learned with practice like any other.

    5. Scholarly Publisher*

      If I’m in a car with a backup camera, sure, it’s easy. In a car without? I can do it, but I’d rather parallel park.

    6. MK*

      I agree that a driver should know how to do it, but I want to point out that OP doesn’t say she can’t, just that she isn’t practiced in it and prefers the other way. I do think she will find it will be just as easy, after a couple of weeks; also, it is in fact safer, backing in at worst risks scratches at the nearby cars, backing out can be dangerous for pedestrians.

      To all the people saying they haven’t done it in X years, so it’s not a basic skill, eh, that’s not actually relevant? Having a driver’s license means you are supposed to be able to do a lot of things you might not in fact do that often.

      1. Leenie*

        Sure. But that’s not a skill that was included in my driver’s test, when I learned how to drive in a small Midwestern city. And it’s virtually never come up in my roughly 30 years of driving in different areas of the country since that time. So I’m not sure if it’s a qualification for a driver’s license in most places that I’ve traveled, at least in the US (I don’t normally drive when I visit other countries). I can understand the safety argument, but it’s not something I’ve really seen as a requirement. Anyway, I could do it now with a rear view camera. But I also would have found it intimidating a decade ago when this letter was written, before I owned a car that had that feature.

        1. NotRealAnonForThis*

          Its not currently included in the driver’s test in my state either. (Source: have a teenager in driver’s ed…its a several year’s worth process here with spaced out classes and logged hours of practice, with a graduated license.)

        2. PhyllisB*

          That’s like parallel parking. It was part of. y drivers ed, but the town we lived in didn’t have any parallel parking spaces so it was several years after I got my license before I got competent at it.

        3. helle*

          It’s a mandatory skill for learning to drive in the UK and Ireland, along with reversing around a corner. (In the UK when I was learning, about 10 years ago, your test would include one out of the various reversing skills, with an automatic test fail if you couldn’t.)

      2. Wayward Sun*

        Avoiding hitting other cars is really not that hard — even without a backup camera you can easily monitor where you are relative to other cars using your side mirrors.

        It’s honestly not that hard once you’ve done it a few times. Now, backing a trailer into a narrow space…that’s a lot harder!

      3. Allonge*

        Yes – just like almost everything else in driving, it’s a case of practicing it and it will be better.

        If the story you tell yourself is ‘this is horribly difficult and nobody should be expected to do it’, that will not help either.

      4. Emmy Noether*

        I agree. It’s one of those skills that seems intimidating when it hasn’t been used for a long time, but improves quickly with practice.

        Just take it really slow the first few times. Maybe practice a few times not at work (practice parking between two chairs in your driveway, or in a mostly empty lot or whatever).

        It also is indeed safer. I know I always avoid walking or biking directly behind a parked car when I can tell someone is in the driver’s seat (unless I’ve made eye contact). I’ve also had cars nearly run me down while exiting a parking spot or driveway going forwards, but it’s rarer.

        1. HB*

          For the record I think it *should* be a basic skill since it improves so easily with practice, and I think most people’s hang-up is anxiety which will only be worse when you find yourself in a situation where you really need it.

        2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

          I need to back-in park approximately once every three years. I don’t think it’s a “basic” skill.

          1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

            Also, people backing in to parking spaces are annoying, because they hold up traffic.

            1. Insert Clever Name Here*

              To be fair, unless all parking is pull through people backing out of parking spaces also hold up traffic :)

              1. Cmdrshprd*

                I agree with you I would say/guess it ends up being a wash at the end of the day.

                You pull in and it takes you 30 seconds, but when you back out it takes you 2 minutes, total time 2.5 mins. But if you back in it takes you 2 minutes, but when you pull out it takes you 30 seconds.

    7. RCB*

      What a condescending thing to say, especially when you’re completely wrong. You can drive your whole life without having to back into a parking spot. It’s taught now in driver’s ed but it wasn’t when I learned to drive (almost 30 years ago) so it’s very much a generational thing. Personally I HATE backing into spots, but more importantly I hate when others do it, because it takes so damn long and holds everyone up. But all that aside, this is not at all a basic skill. Backing up a car is a basic skill, but backing into a parking space (a narrow, defined space often with obstacles on both sides and behind you) is not. Also, this letter was written in 2014, before backup cameras were common, today it is SO much easier thanks to the cameras and sensors.

      1. HBJ*

        Sure, it takes time to back in, but it also takes time to back out. So either you’re waiting on one end or waiting on the other.

        1. Emmy Noether*

          Nah, backing out is quicker because cars will just shoot out assuming there’s nothing there. Which is the reason for the policy.

          1. Flor*

            Yep. I have gotten a driving licence in two different countries. Both of them tested reversing into a parking spot, and I was told by an instructor that it’s safer. You’re far less likely to hit someone behind your car when you’re reversing slowly into a spot than when you’re reversing out into the main thoroughfare (even if that thoroughfare is part of the car park).

        2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

          Backing in makes other people wait, backing out makes the person who is backing out wait (for an opening in traffic).

          1. Cmdrshprd*

            I have definitely had to wait many many times for people that are backing out of a parking spot, sometimes they just pull out without looking and I have to hit the brakes to avoid an accident, or slowly/cautiously pulling out and could have pulled out with the break in traffic, but they took to long that the opening in traffic ended. Other times I have had to wait for people who don’t wait for an opening in traffic but start pulling out with the hope/confidence that they will create their own opening in traffic with people stopping to avoid accidents.

            Studies have shown that pulling forward out of a spot is much safer and reduces accidents rather than backing out of spots.

            I have had to slam on the brakes, honk at people backing out, much more than people pulling forward.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah. I got my driver’s license about 20 years ago at 30+. At that time, reverse parking was a requirement of passing the driving exam. So was parallel parking, and I faced that with a lot more trepidation than reverse parking. That said, if given the option I’ll drive through one spot and park in the next, no reversing required either coming or going.

        Some electric cars have their charging port where combustion engine cars have their gas tank lid, and with those it’s always necessary to reverse into a charging bay, unless you have an exceptionally long electric cord. That said, those cars also tend to have all the cameras and sensors.

        1. gyratory_circus*

          I got my license in 1990 and neither backing in or parallel parking were on the test, and I haven’t had to do either ever. I also drive a 2013 car that doesn’t have any cameras on it, so I would be utterly screwed if I had to do this on a daily basis. The only possible way I could do it without being terrified would be to get there super super early and have plenty of empty space around me.

      3. Pumpkin cat*

        It is so annoying when people do this in a parking lot. It’s also an unpredictable and unusual move, which could cause an accident! I don’t believe anyone who says it’s actually safer.

        2. Lost academic*

          We have a lot of data on this. It is absolutely safer to back into parking spaces and it’s why certain industries require it of everyone at all times on their properties (and since they’re my regular clients that’s what I do all the time now). The best option is pulling through such that backing up never had to occur at all but not every lot can accommodate that. This is my job and field of expertise. It is safer

          1. Anonythis*

            I’ve worked in places where reverse-in was required – but it was because we were in the blast radius for three other explosives factories and if you had to leave you had to leave now!

          2. MassMatt*

            Maybe it’s just me, but IMO the fact that an employer is demanding you park a certain way seems awfully controlling.

            Are they also going to mandate how you arrange your pencils, hang up your coat, or order lunch?

          3. Pescadero*

            We have a lot of data on this.

            It is absolutely safer FOR PEDESTRIANS for cars to back into parking spaces.

            The data shows no significant difference in safety for vehicle/vehicle interactions.

        3. Syderia·os*

          it is safer for pedestrians on parking lots for visibility reasons, because a car backing in to park is more visible than a car backing out, and the driver of the car backing out can’t see the pedestrians.
          it’s also safer in case the parking lot has to be evacuated, because it’s easier and quicker for everyone to get out of their spaces.

        4. rebelwithmouseyhair*

          you’re thinking of scratching someone else’s car, but what about the kid running along the line of parked cars? You might not see them as you’re backing out. Hitting a kid is way worse than scratching a car.

        6. Donalbain*

          Well, there are actual peer reviewed scientific studies that show that reverse in – drive out is safer. A very quick google will find them, but also, just think for a moment about what is likely to be more dangerous; reversing into a space where you are very unlikely to find an actual person, or reversing into a space where there are likely to be people?

        7. Traffic Engineer*

          Most people tend to walk in the traveled way unless there is a sidewalk. In most parking lots and garages, there aren’t sidewalks for the pedestrian to utilize. In this type of case, it’s actually safer to reverse into a parking space since no one will be walking between the cars. Whereas, when leaving and backing out, you have a greater chance of hitting a pedestrian in your blind spot. Remember, in most cases, pedestrians have the right of way.
          As for the other vehicles, they need to show patience once you signal your intention – whether it’s reversing into a space or parallel parking.

        8. Huttj*

          So, you’re probably picturing a situation where there’s multiple cars looking for parking, one drives past a space then suddenly slams on the brakes and starts reversing. And yes, that is dangerous.

          But during that maneuver the person acting unexpectedly has full view around them, and what’s behind them. And then when pulling out they’re in front and have better view of what’s around them and in front of them, while backing out of the space has restricted view.

          In a situation where people are trickling into the lot, and not following closely, backing into a parking space gives overall more visibility of hazards and obstacles.

      4. londonedit*

        My parents are in their 70s and they can reverse into parking spaces better than I can. I’m in my 40s and it wasn’t on the test when I learnt to drive, but I can do it. I find it bizarre that anyone would go through their life not reversing into a parking space! Is it really that uncommon a skill in the US? My car doesn’t have cameras and parking sensors but even so, it’s not hugely difficult. If you need a couple of goes to straighten up, fine, but you just use your mirrors. It’s extremely unlikely that you’ll actually hit another car.

        I agree that Ms Vader could have said it in a slightly less condescending way, but I’m amazed that people here are saying that being able to reverse into a parking space isn’t a skill that drivers need to have.

        1. Myrin*

          This is a really interesting discussion to me.

          Reverse parking has been part of German driving lessons and tests for decades, possibly even from the very start; it was definitely already a mandatory thing when my mum got her licence in 1974.

          I’v always been pretty good at backwards driving in general, and when I started driving again last year after more than a decade of not driving, I found that it still comes to me rather easily although there certainly is a practice factor (and I realised I’m letting myself be way too influenced by impatient drivers; definitely something I still have to work on).

          My mum, however, doesn’t have the… spatial awareness? IDK what it’s called, but she literally can’t drive backwards with only mirrors, she always needs to turn around. She’s got this block in her brain where she just goes the opposite way from where she wants to go; she can’t draw a cube, either, it’s something about her geometrical thinking ability.

          So when she still drove, she indeed went through her life not reversing into parking spaces. She was a very good and confident driver otherwise but her brain simply shut down completely when she even so much as tried.

          So it IS possible but since I was still too young back then, I also don’t know if there were any particular hardships associated with this for her, like maybe she always took much longer to find a parking space or similar? I don’t remember this but I also didn’t really pay attention to that during that time.

          1. NotRealAnonForThis*

            This “brain block” sounds similar to mine…which is a diagnosed case of dyslexia.

            I can actually back a car up now, as I have a reverse camera. Before though? My brain simply would not flip left/right around to allow me to figure out how to do it with mirrors.

          2. LadyVet*

            I remember when my sister got a German license and mentioned having to prove she could back in!

            I don’t drive much anymore now that I live in NYC, but in the almost 20 years I did I never backed into a spot.

        2. hbc*

          I guess the question is, in what situations do you actually *need* it? I’ve lived in cities and suburbs and rural areas, and literally never needed to do it. Do you have increased visibility when leaving a parking space? Of course. Is it objectively dangerous to back out in 99.999% of situations? Nope.

          Plus, I’ve got to say, the reverse parkers I know feel way stronger about the superiority of this maneuver than is justified. I’ve gotten out of conversations with literal evangelists with less fervor. Watching them back into those slanted parking spots is a trip.

          1. londonedit*

            Wow…I’ve never met anyone who places any particular superiority on the ability to reverse into a space! It’s just a normal thing that drivers sometimes do. Where I live the residents’ parking is a private car park behind the flats, so everyone has a space, and people either reverse in or don’t. I try to reverse in unless I know I need to load/unload something from the boot of the car, but it’s just about convenience, I don’t think it makes me inherently a better driver. I’m just surprised that some people here have never learnt to do it, or never encounter a need to do it. Reversing into a space and parallel parking are pretty normal things to do here – I’ve never seen such a discussion about it until today!

        3. A Girl Named Fred*

          I’m 32 and I’ve *had* to reverse into a spot exactly once in my life, and that was only this year. In my apartment parking lot, one person backs into their spot, and they drive a giant work van (so I assume they need to do it more frequently/it might be the best way to park that particular vehicle.) Everyone else pulls in forward. My dad *can* back into spots with relative ease, but he rarely does it. The only place I see people back into spots consistently is at work, and those folks are teaching newbies how to drive and back semis, so they all have a comparatively massive amount of experiencing backing vehicles. Not a one of them has ever told me I need to change how I’m parking.

          Is it a skill I could *benefit* from having? Sure, probably. Is it a skill I *need* to be an effective, conscientious, and safe driver? Nah.

        4. Ellis Bell*

          There are loads of people in Britain who don’t like to do this, either (they’re unlikely to be in London though). It’s because as you say, it isn’t on the test; how can be lots of people be quick and proficient in something they did not need to learn for the test and which they don’t often have to use? If you’re in an area with tight parking, where it’s useful, it will come up on your driving lessons and when you’re still forming habits. I will say that it’s the same skillset as other manoeuvring skills, so it’s a case of “don’t like to” rather than “can’t do”, but the uninitiated will be a bit slow at first. Reversing into a space is not terrifically different to reversing out of a space, it just phases people initially if they are not used to looking at it from the other way around.

        5. Flor*

          I’m surprised you didn’t have to do reversing into a bay on your test. It, along with reversing round a corner, was on the test when I sat it in the early 2010s, and I believe when my husband took his around 20 years ago. I hadn’t realised it was such a recent addition!

          1. Angus Macdonald, Child Detective*

            I believe bay parking is on the test but you don’t technically have to reverse in, so long as you’re within the lines when you say you have completed parking. Reversing around a corner has been removed entirely! Source: took my first test in 2012, failed, took some time away to go to uni, took a second test in 2018 and passed.

          2. londonedit*

            I passed in 1999 and our manoeuvres were parallel parking, reversing around a corner and three-point turn. I also did my theory test on paper!

        6. No Thanks*

          I’m in the US and didn’t have to reverse park or parallel park on my driver’s test (in the 70s). I did take a semester of driver’s ed and we were taught how to parallel park. Our kids had to take private driving lessons one summer (no more driver’s ed in high school) and did not have to learn how to reverse park. I have never been anywhere I have had to reverse park; they just instituted it in the mid-major town we live by in the downtown for the street parking, but I hate driving there any way and would just choose a lot to park in, and not the street! I very rarely even need to parallel park any where, can’t remember the last time. My spouse grew up around farm equipment and can drive anything forward or backwards, but had a lot of practice at a young age!

      5. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        It’s not condescending at all. Reading other comments I understand that in the US people are used to have lots of parking space, here in Paris, there’s much less room and you have to learn to wiggle in and out of tight spaces unless you have time to cruise for another 15 minutes looking for a larger spot. But nevertheless, if you know how to reverse, you should be able to reverse into a parking spot.

        1. ParkingDirection*

          I’ve never lived anywhere in the US where it wasn’t necessary to back in at least some of the time – rural, urban, or suburban; Northeast, Midwest, Southwest.

          I’ve also seen plenty of times when the driver who pulled in to park had a hellish time getting out of the spot because big vans or other large vehicles pulled into the next spot and completely blocked the view of the driver. My dad used to regularly make me stand outside the car and use hand signals to tell him when it was safe to exit. Then he had to stop and let me in the car after he pulled out.

          Thus I grew up with the idea that it’s much better to park facing out, and much safer too. It’s certainly pretty common to see it in large parking lots where drivers clearly get to choose their direction. As noted, most people prefer to pull up when two open spots face each other and both are free, but many people clearly back in to park when it’s not. A reasonable reason not to back in is if planning to have large/heavy items to remove from or add to a trunk, but otherwise it seems pretty common just based on observing lots.

      6. Not Jane*

        Reversing in is easier than reversing out, so I rarely park so that will have to reverse out. As the steer wheels are at the front, driving in forwards can require more back and forward than just reversing in where spaces or the travel lanes are tight. I have to wait for people backing up to straighten out in a space they have driven forwards into more often than I need to pull out and back in when reversing into a space.

    8. Sharpie*

      It’s a skill that is taught in the UK and may come up on the driving test nowadays, though it wasn’t a test requirement when I learned to drive. If you take it slow, look all round you and make good use of your mirrors, you’ll be fine.

      I’m going to link to a video by a UK driving instructor on how to do it, which may take a while to get through moderation, but in the meantime look up ‘Conquer Driving reverse bay parking’. Yes, it’s from the UK but the principles work even when your driving set is on the left.

      As a woman, reversing into a parking space is a good idea because it means that if anything untoward happens, you can get out of Dodge a lot quicker and a lot safer than having to reverse out; it’s also how the military are expected to park, so it’s second nature for me and I find it a lot quicker than driving forward into a parking space.

      2. londonedit*

        Agree with all of this. Reversing into a parking space wasn’t one of the possible manoeuvres on the driving test when I learnt to drive, but it is these days, and my driving instructor taught me how to do it anyway. Am I lazy most of the time and do I drive in rather than reversing in? Yes. Mainly because if you’re at the supermarket or something, it’s easier to drive into a space so you have room to open the boot to put your shopping in. But I absolutely can reverse into a space if I need or want to, and I’m surprised that there are people who don’t know how to do it. I’d see it as one of the essential driving skills! It’s also a good thing to do just in case your battery goes flat – you can’t jump start if there’s no space to get the jump-starting car near enough to your bonnet.

        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, I actively need to remind myself to NOT reverse into a parking space at the supermarket because then I end up not being able to reach the trunk!

    9. Carmina*

      I don’t know if it’s all that common/easy, but as a regular cyclist who has been hit once by a car backing out of a space, and almost-hit more times than I can count… learn to do it. Your convenience is not worth more than my life, even if many drivers don’t seem to think so.

    10. Morning Reader*

      I am not understanding how someone could be able to back out of a parking space but not back in. Isn’t it the same skill? Backing up without hitting anything or anyone? Using mirrors or backup camera or both?
      Generally speaking, the safest thing to do is to never back up. However there are many situations in which you must back up so it’s a necessary skill. Unless there are drive through spaces you have to go backwards in or out. If someone has difficulty getting their vehicle placed correctly, I suggest parking further away from other cars so you only have to get it between the lines, not between two other cars.
      Ms. Vader may be blunt but she is correct. You don’t have to be able to drive a distance at speed in reverse, but you should be able to do basic maneuvers like backing into a space if you are a licensed driver. Otherwise why is there a reverse gear at all? It’s not bumper cars out there.

      1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        I find backing into the spot easier, as it’s much less likely for things to be moving. It’s my default method.

    11. BW*

      Modern cars have backup cameras that make backing up super easy. Plus the cars have bumper alarms that will stop your car from hitting anything and beep at you to let you know you’re too close. Pulling out at the end of the day is easier when you can go forward.

      I even use my backup camera to check that I’m between the lines when parking forward too. I just put the car in reverse while in the parking space and look at the backup camera to see if I’m centered in the spot.

    12. Blarg*

      Eh, it is so situational. I am a phenomenal parallel parker. Can wedge a car into any spot where it can physically fit. But have a harder time reverse parking. Why? Practice. I lived for years in a crowded area with only street parking, so got lots of reps. This is a practice-skill, and not an essential one. Now I don’t own a car, which is even better. But I do still occasionally parallel park my friends’ cars for them when we are out.

      1. Turquoisecow*

        Yeah I have been in many parallel parking situations where that was the only option so I am reasonably confident in that skill (especially with a camera now, but I did okay when I didn’t have one).

        I have never HAD to back into a parking spot in my entire driving life. I think I’ve done it a handful of times, maybe to make loafing or unloading the trunk easier? But it was never REQUIRED. I was tested on parallel parking but not backing into a spot (or pulling into one). Is it a good skill to have, yes. Is it 100% necessary and if you don’t know it you shouldn’t be driving? No. At least not where I live.

    13. Learn ALL the things*

      I’ve been driving for 25 years and I have reverse parked exactly one time. It’s not a necessary skill for most drivers.

    14. Fluffy Fish*

      This is a bit much. Just like every other skill on earth if you don’t use it you lose it. Also like every other skill on earth, no everyone is comfortable with every skill they have to use.

      I will park a mile away and walk before I have to parallel park. I can drive just fine thanks.

    15. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      Wow, so weird that I have managed to get around by car for 40 years, including in some very high-density areas, without knowing how to drive.

    16. Loredena*

      I’ve never been anywhere I needed to reverse park in 40 years! With the rear view camera I likely could but it might take a few tries to be straight and with enough room for doors to open

  5. Wayward Sun*

    The idea with backing in is that you’re going into a space that you’ve just driven past, which makes it easier to verify it’s clear. If you’re backing *out* of a space you’re backing more or less blind into cross traffic.

    It’s a skill worth learning because you can make a much tighter turn backing up than you can going forward. It’s much easier to get a long vehicle like a van into a narrow space this way. When I drive my camper van I almost always back it in, for that reason; it’s 19 feet long and if I pull forward into a typical parking space, it’ll end up crooked.

    1. bishbah*

      The first place I encountered this kind of parking policy was at a chemical plant. It was intended for speed in evacuation—it’s much faster and safer to exit pulling forward, especially when everyone is leaving at once. The site also angled all their spots, which helped with the maneuver. One past job of mine shared a garage with a hotel’s valet company, and they parked cars tail-in for exiting speed as well.

      I now tend to park this way at events and such when everyone is arriving at different times but leaving together.

      1. allathian*

        I work for a government agency and our civil servants are required to visit people at their homes. There’s a rule in our employee handbook that says that when visiting other people’s properties. There have been cases where our employees had to leave quickly because someone threatened them with a gun or set their guard dogs on them.

        1. Sharpie*

          I took my test in the Army and it’s a requirement to reverse into a space when driving a military vehicle, for much the same reason – and as basic self defence as a woman, it makes more sense to reverse in so you can get out of there in hurry if you need to, so I always do it now. I find I park much better if I reverse in than if I drive in nose first.

      2. Wayward Sun*

        That’s a good point about events. Last time I went to a game at Dodger Stadium I parked nose-in, and was kicking myself at the end when I had to back out into a solid wall of traffic.

      3. Catalyst*

        I came here to mention this. I have worked two places that required this for safety because of high traffic during the day of machinery such as fork lifts and transport trucks. They did also both work with highly flammable substances in their production, but I don’t think that was part of the reasoning because the cars were so close to the plant that you wouldn’t want to try to get them in the event of a fire.

      4. Mary*

        I worked in the PNW bear the coast and we had that same rule; in case of either a forest fire or a tsunami, we had to get out of there quickly.

          1. So they all cheap-ass rolled over and one fell out*

            If you forget to lock the doors (because a bear is chasing you), some bears can open a car door. So if a bear chases you into your car, it behooves you to leave as quickly as possible.

    2. Saturday*

      Yeah, I’m thinking if OP isn’t comfortable backing up, it really is safer to do it while backing into a space rather than into cross traffic (or a pedestrian).

      1. Harper the Other One*

        I think there is a psychological difference between backing into a space and trying not to hit/scrape two cars next to you, and backing into a relatively open driving lane in a parking lot. It reminds me of that example where we’d all be fine walking on a narrow board in the ground, but suspend it between two buildings high up and suddenly we’d be anxious!

        Practice can definitely help, but I’ll also admit that certain vehicles are really cumbersome to back in. I’ve been driving my current van for almost eight years and it still feels awkward trying to back into a space – something about the turning radius just doesn’t feel comfortable to me. I tend to look for a pair of spots where I can pull though in a situation where I’d normally back in.

        1. Stipes*

          But the problem is that the “relatively open driving lane” is far likelier to have people moving into and through it shortly after you see that it’s open. The worst thing that you’re likely to hit while backing into a space is someone else’s car. While backing OUT of a space, you might hit someone walking by!

    3. learnedthehardway*

      Agreeing – I’ve never had a problem backing in, but I DID once crease the side of my vehicle against a pillar/pier (whatever you call the upright chunks of concrete that keep a parking garage standing) while pulling in forwards. (In my defense, I was really sick and misjudged the width of my vehicle.) I would have been far better off reversing into the space, as my rear camera would have made it quite clear where I was safe to be – those lines the screen overlays are really useful.

      1. So they all cheap-ass rolled over and one fell out*

        I have scraped my vehicle going forwards more than once :(
        I don’t think I’ve ever done so when backing into a space.

    4. fine-tipped pen aficionado*

      Our insurance company has asked us to mandate backing in before because their data shows that a huge number of accidents come from reversing out of a parking spot.

      Not having access to this data, I can’t say for sure, but I also question whether it’s clear that the method of parking is the cause of the accidents and not that leaving a parking space is a common time to have an accident and most people pull forward into a space in the US.

      At any rate, it’s valid to be uncomfortable with a skill you haven’t used often but anyone in OP’s situation should view it as an opportunity to improve a very useful skill.

      1. Insert Clever Name Here*

        Anecdotal, but I work for a utility and workplace safety is a major focus for the whole company. The company had a significant amount of OSHA incidents related to company parking lots — collisions, pedestrians being struck, etc. — and started heavily encouraging backing in or pulling through where possible. At some sites (like warehouses and laydown yards) it is required. Where back in/pull through is required, parking related incidents largely disappeared. In buildings where it’s heavily encouraged (like mine, where parking is in a garage so pull through is not an option) parking related incidents have drastically decreased.

    5. Somewhere in Texas*

      I did a safe driver training as a part of an internship, and they promoted backing into spaces since you are more focused when you arrive. You are more distracted when you are starting a trip, so exiting forward is safer.

      Also in an industry where backing in is the norm.

      1. Candace*

        I find this whole exchange fascinating. At my employer, we are not allowed to back in or pull through spaces to park because our id has to be visible on the rear window. I was not aware of these rules until a co-worker found out the hard way.

        1. So they all cheap-ass rolled over and one fell out*

          Is there some reason your IDs can’t be placed on your front windows?

    6. Katherine*

      Yeah, now that I drive a car with reversing cameras it is way easier to get into a space straight if i reverse in.

      1. anotherfan*

        bringing this up because i didn’t see a response: Cmdrshprd*
        December 9, 2024 at 11:05 am
        @bye
        I disagree that it does not make sense.

        I don’t get what the difference in one way versus two way traffic makes for backing in. I think maybe because you think in one way it blocks traffic but in two way it does not, but in my experience when backing in it blocks all traffic even if it is one way or two way.

        Even with one way slanted spots, I think it still makes more sense and is safer to back into the spot, because it is easier to see other cars, but more importantly pedestrians walking by when pulling out. Yes you need to spend a little more time pull out and around then normal. But I think the reduction in accidents is worth it. Its not like it would take someone 15/20 minutes instead of the normal time, I would say it only takes 2-5 mins longer at most.

        …. In a one-way situation, like in a parking garage, backing into a slanted space puts you contrary to the direction of traffic. you would have to either drive past the spot and back up in the wrong direction to turn in the wrong direction to get into the slanted spot or once you parked, getting out would put you in the wrong direction and you would have to turn into one way oncoming traffic to drive the correct direction to get out.

    7. Starbuck*

      The data backs up that backing in is safer; my personal anecdotal experience is that I work near a busy public park and before I switched to doing that, I’d have so many close calls of people, kids, bikes etc going by behind me that I almost didn’t see. Plus, it’s rarely busy when I arrive in the morning but almost always is when I’m leaving later in the day, so it was an easy switch to make.

    8. Librarian of Things*

      I recently sat through a lengthy presentation on parking lot design for my new branch building. All of the traffic engineering folks were agreed that back-in parking is safer for pedestrians and cross-traffic than back-out parking. The only stipulation that traffic engineering gave the parking lot designers was that they needed to include a slip road so that no one backing into parking spaces was blocking traffic in the travel lanes.

      All the public works staff totally got the discussion. Some commissioners, though, were appalled at the idea that anyone would ever be required to back in to a space. In fact, most garages here prohibit back-in parking; my guess is that it’s not for safety but because we don’t have front license plates in this state and writing tickets is a lot easier if you can read the plate from your parking enforcement vehicle. Goodness knows, a vehicle backing out into traffic at the end of the day certainly causes at least as much delay as a vehicle backing in to a space at the start of the day.

      1. So they all cheap-ass rolled over and one fell out*

        The traffic engineering folks knew that it’s statistically proven that backing in is safer.
        The commissioners were perhaps using their intuitions, which see the obvious risk of scraping adjacent cars, or apply hyperbolic discounting to spending the extra minute up front backing in vs. the extra minute later backing out.

        Another counterintuitive car-related fact is that (most) highways are safer than surface roads, even though highways have higher speeds.

  6. Middle school teacher*

    Dear Arya (aka OP 3),

    Imagine, if you will, a classroom teacher with two Amamdas, three Kyles, four Taylors (two boys and two girls), and a partridge in a pear tree.
    (And that’s in just one of six classes)
    Really, relax, everyone will figure out who’s who by context or by using the last initial, but it’ll be just fine.

    1. Nah*

      Was it this blog that had like six boys with the same name and the after school teacher was banned from using their nicknames or even any last names to differentiate? completely opposite problem, obviously, but I just remembered it reading these.

      1. Stipes*

        Wait, banned from using last names to differentiate? That’s wild! It sounds like the sort of thing you would invent to purposefully make someone sound unreasonable.

    3. Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson*

      Now imagine being a teacher in a major city (“Jamal?” “Present.” “Jamal?” “Here.” “Laquisha?” “Present.” “Jamal?” …).

      1. Frodo*

        Teacher here, too. We have approximately 40 staff at my school, about 10 of them are named a variation of Kristen, Christen, Christine, etc. Last name use is pretty common.
        80% of the boys are Ben. 100% of the girls are Madison.

        1. Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson*

          I share your pain regarding female teachers all being named Kristen and Christine. Parents should take a lot more care to ensure their children aren’t going to share the same name as half their peers.

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      Yeah, when I was in 1st, 2nd and 3rd year (12-15 years old), our class had 3 Margarets, 3 Normas (this one was a bit odd as it’s not that common a name), 2 Ciaras, 2 Deirdres and 2 Siobháns…this was out of a class of about 29. The two Ciaras even had similar sounding surnames, think Ciara O’Donnell and Ciara O’Driscoll. We managed.

      1. Anon for this*

        My recent hs graduate’s first grade class had SO MANY sound alike names– Aidan, Jayden, Jaydon, Brandon, Brenden, and I forget the other variations. I mostly remember it was a nightmare addressing birthday party invites the first month of school.

    5. JustMe*

      Retired elementary teacher agrees!
      Names often follow trends, so not unusual to have students with the same name.
      One year I had 3 boys named Nicholas (in a class of about 20) but they each thankfully used a different nickname.
      Likewise, we all made it through the Aidan/Jayden/Caden years :)

      Also had a nephew in a French immersion class who had the same name as a female classmate.
      Teacher referred to them as Belle and Beau which we thought was cute!

  7. Apples and Oranges*

    I have to wonder if LW 3 had an uncommon name to be so befuddled by the possibility of someone having the same name. My name is very common for people around my age and I did have someone report to me with the same name as me and it was a non-issue. I’d say 90% of the time it was clear by the context which one of us people were talking about and otherwise they’d just add in a last name for clarity. The most confusing thing was for clients (people we emailed with but never met in person) who assumed that she was me and I’d just gotten married and change my last name. But this didn’t actually matter in any material way.

    1. Roland*

      Maybe, but I have an uncommon name but I still noticed how much it was a non-issue to have 2 Jims on the team or whatever. Started early, I always had at least a few kids in class with the same name. Pretty surprising reaction from OP, I do hope they got past it.

      1. Allonge*

        This – it took me all the way to high school to have someone with the same first name in my class (even same last initial, horror!) and I was still familiar with the concept by then.

    2. WS*

      I have an uncommon name and never had this problem in school (there were 5 Matthews, 5 Amandas, 4 Michaels and 4 Kylies in my class at one stage, out of 36 kids) but my name became more popular later on, and I have since worked with two name-sharers. It was a surprise at first, but we quickly adjusted.

    3. lissajous*

      I can confirm that if you have a rare name, two of Rare Name can indeed cause problems. Everyone expects multiple Michaels, Andrews, Daves, etc; no-one expects – and more importantly, thinks to check for – two Bartholmews.
      (My name isn’t unusual – I use the traditional spelling and everything – it’s just not common.)

      Within the office people would adapt pretty quickly. People you may need to interact with of be on periphery of *outside* the office – not so much. They will not check for which Bartholmew is replying if there are two in a group email, for example.

      The plural of anecdote is not data, etc, but have one nonetheless:
      I have had Payroll in Country A send my project manager (he and I were in Country B) an email saying my contract was ended, why was I still billing hours?
      There was a second Lissajous in Country C – spelled Lyssajous, so they didn’t come up when the usual spelling was searched. I only knew about them because I’d often come in in the morning to meeting requests for them that had come through while I was asleep.
      Anyway, I carried on doing billable work in the secure knowledge that I was not even on contract in the first place, my manager sent an email “u wot, no, we need that person!” and Payroll sent an embarrassed apology when they came online. They may have actually learned to check the full name and maybe even the employee code on such things! We can hope :)

    4. Emmy Noether*

      Possibly. I have a rare name (in that I have personally met only three others in my whole life, and know of two minor public figures).

      One time, I was in a creative workshop and two people at the next table were discussing their colleague, who had the same name as me. I could NOT get used to it, looking up each time I heard my name as if they had called me.

      I’m sure I’d get used to it after about a week, though.

      1. amoeba*

        Yup, same here the one time I met somebody with the same name at a party, we were indeed very confused! It was literally “Hi, amoeba!” “Yeah, that’s me, what’s your name?” “Huh??” (We did figure it out, but it took a minute!)

        All the Thomases and Philipps and Michaels and Jessicas etc. I know are much, much more used to it.

        I’d still never tell another amoeba to go by her last name!

    5. Sharpie*

      I have a very uncommon first name and during my temp job this summer/autumn I was rather impressed to find that there were not one, not two, but three others of my name who had (or who had had) an account on our CRM software. They were all listed under different departments so it would have been a case of Arya A, Arya F, Arya L and Arya T.

      And I switched to my full set of initials when making notes in the shared Excel spreadsheet because someone else on my team had the same first and last initial (she was, say, Alex Kingston where I’m Arya Karstark).

      1. Initials*

        I ran into this fir the first time last year – I use my initials XYZ but the other person just used XZ and it caused all sorts of mayhem when reviewing documents. It never occurred to her to use her middle initial ( not Y in this example) and she did not adjust well. Meanwhile, no one else seemed capable of understanding that two initials meant Xenia and three meant Xenon. Plus I had a moment of cognitive dissonance every time I saw XZ and mentally tried to remember why I said that for a secoand before my brain caught up which was mentally exhausting.

  8. Heidi*

    Since the parking policy is new, I wonder if there was there an accident that motivated this change. If, so it might be difficult to push back immediately afterwards. My own parking garage at work is trying to get the backwards parkers to stop doing it. I think it’s because the spaces are angled to facilitate front-in parking and the people who back in tend to not get the angle quite right and end up double parking.

    1. Chickadee*

      That was my first thought as well, since a prior job implemented a similar policy after someone was hit by a car. (They were bruised but okay.)

    2. rudster*

      I’ve heard that some places prohibit backing in because it means that pedestrians on any walkways directly behind the spots are breathing in all the exhaust from cars who have just parked/are ready to leave/are idling and/or if the building wall is nearby all the exhaust soot is getting deposited directly on it. Spots angled in the direction of traffic are definitely designed for front-in parking. I’m trying to figure out how you can even back into an angled spot without first positioning yourself in the opposite direction of traffic to the angle (and subsequently exiting into opposing traffic – moreover, twice if the turn you need make to get back in your lane wide enough). Surely this must cause all kinds of chaos!

      1. Myrin*

        I’d always wondered why my GP has a big sign next to his door saying people should only park facing forwards and when I asked about it one day, it was exactly like you say with the building wall (and the waiting room’s windows) being very close to the exhausts otherwise.

      2. Karl Havoc*

        huh? You just angle the spots in the opposite direction (i.e., so you reach the opening to the space last). Easier to back in, and when you pull out it’s almost more like merging than a hard turn.

      3. MC*

        A lot of people in my apartment complex who drive larger trucks will back in, except then they refuse to pull back forward a bit once they bump the curb so the cab is hanging over the sidewalk and no one can use it. Same at the children’s hospital where my youngest has speech therapy – there’s a walkway between the two sides of the parking spaces for people to walk safely on (because everyone there has young children with them!), but people who back in don’t keep it clear. They just back up until they hit the parking block.

        People who insist on backing into angled spaces are just incredibly self-centered because the only way to do that is by going against traffic to get in and out.

    3. Wayward Sun*

      When I lived in Michigan I ran into places that didn’t allow backing in for parking enforcement reasons. Michigan doesn’t issue front plates, so if cars are backed in it’s a lot harder to see the plate number.

  9. nnn*

    Several thoughts about #3:

    1. They’d do better to come up with a parallel naming convention, simply because, while it might be clear that Stark = Arya Stark, not everyone is going to recognize that Arya only ever means Arya Williams and does not ever mean Arya Stark.

    2. Even if Arya Stark did go around introducing herself as “Stark”, there’s still the email issue – everyone will know her first name because it will almost certainly automatically appear in her email address. People who haven’t been introduced to her in person or who interact with her primarily as a name on a screen will think of her as “Arya”.

    3. With the caveat that I’m old and not certain if this still reflects the connotation for young people today, to me, addressing someone by surname only feels masculine, and therefore it feels kind of rude to do to a woman, almost like you’re misgendering her. Because of this, it would be far more difficult to get uptake.

    4. Also, addressing someone by first name is less formal, so it would feel wrong to address the manager by first name and the subordinate by surname. If you need to differentiate, it would probably make more sense for the manager to go by Ms. Williams and for the subordinate to go by Arya.

    1. LadyAmalthea*

      In terms of feeling masculine – My name is Sarah, and I was born between 1978 and 1984, so there were always more than one of us. I’ve been referred to by my last name or some variant thereof for decades.

      2. amoeba*

        Interesting! For us, it would always be full name in those cases. Last name only… eeh, some guys do it, but in my work environment, it would be quite unusual as well. It was more a weird, masculine thing some guys did in school, no idea why. Nothing you’d do in a professional environment, although might have been more common 10 years ago.

        (OTOH, Mr/Ms Lastname with the polite form of address was very common and still is in some places! Last name only with everybody else first name and the informal “du” would be strange though. Maybe exactly because of that?

    2. Allonge*

      Exactly. It would also be plain weird strange to expect New!Arya not to share what her first name is in introductions.

    3. J. random person*

      Not that relevant to this question since it was ages ago – around 1980 I, a girl, took shop class at a school where girls usually didn’t. The teacher – who was not young -called all the boys by their last names. He tried it to me once, but I guess it didn’t feel right to him, because he used my first name the rest of the semester.

    4. English Teacher*

      In my line of work, since our students usually refer to us by last name, we almost always do the same to each other, regardless of gender. It avoids this problem for the most part, because even for the few people in our school with the same surname, they are differentiated by Mr., Ms., or Dr.

      And, this is completely subjective, but as a woman I think it’s fun to be referred to but my last name. Feels like we’re on a sports team or spies or something.

    5. Jenesis*

      RE: #3, I think it’s a gendered thing in general, and therefore not necessarily a good thing in conjunction with #4. Consider how many people will refer to, e.g. certain presidential figures as “Clinton and Hillary”, “Obama and Michelle”, or “Trump and Kamala.”

      I wouldn’t consider it misgendering but I would consider it extremely weird (not least because I have a surname that, at least in my country of ethnic origin, is even more commonplace than my extremely commonplace first name is in the US).

  10. Fanny Price*

    I once worked with a lawyer named Arya, whose paralegal was also named Arya. (Not their real names, of course, but it was a fairly unusual first name.) It would not have been a problem were it not for the fact that the paralegal insisted on answering the attorney’s phone with, “This is Arya.” The worst example was when the person on the other line said, “Arya, this is your Aunt Lyanna. I’m sorry to have to break this news to you over the phone, but your uncle Brandon just died.” The paralegal responded with, “I don’t have an Aunt Lyanna,” and hung up. (She was fully aware that she was answering the attorney’s phone.) I think she finally did get in some trouble for that stunt once Lyanna got in touch with the intended Arya.

    1. Roland*

      Yeah, I also would take a bit to get good at it but it’s just not true that it’s the same. What matters is what area you can’t see and pedestrians are obviously less likely to be in a parking spot than in “not a parking spot”.

  12. PDB*

    I have, at various times in my life, been a truck driver and I find the anguish over reversing into a parking space amusing. Try reversing into a space with a 20′ box van in between 2 semis. Really, folks, that’s what your mirrors are for.

    1. The cat named snowball*

      My father drives commercially, he has no problem backing up without a rear view. If I don’t have it, I’m very much hoping that I cause the least damage possible.

    2. Roland*

      Tbf, trucks have way better mirrors than cars. Drove (small) trucks in college and I loved their giant no-blind-spot mirrors. But backup cameras are so standard now that it matters less for reversing for sure.

    3. FashionablyEvil*

      I mean, I just generally suck at going in reverse (there’s something about the spatial perception that throws me off) but living in American suburbia, it’s not something that’s called for often. (Yes, I can parallel park decently.)

      1. Tea Monk*

        Yea, many skills are difficult to learn and that’s ok. I would probably struggle backing in as well. Parallel parking is also a struggle. ( not taught, the drivers test was like drive around the block). It’s nice that many people find something easy to do, but it’s not helpful for OP.

        1. londonedit*

          I think people (especially those not in the US) are just surprised because things like parallel parking and reversing into a space/around a corner are part of the driving test here, so it’s more a case of ‘don’t like doing it’ than ‘was never taught’. Our driving tests aren’t ‘drive around the block’, they’re about 45 minutes of driving around as instructed by the examiner, and there are manoeuvres that you have to learn because the examiner will choose from the list and ask you to do them during the test. Nowadays there’s also a component of following a sat nav, I think. OK, people here might not *enjoy* parallel parking etc, but no one can say ‘I wasn’t taught how to reverse so I don’t do it’.

          1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

            I think people (especially those not in the US) are just surprised because things like parallel parking and reversing into a space/around a corner are part of the driving test here, so it’s more a case of ‘don’t like doing it’ than ‘was never taught’.

            Don’t discount the differences in vehicle size, too. Backing into a “normal” spot in my old subcompact Civic/Corolla was a completely trivial task. Now my full sized Accord/Camry can be a slight challenge at time, and the difficulty goes up as you slip into a CR-V/Rav4, Pilot/Highlander/Yukon, and Suburban/Escalade. In America, the spaces have been contracting while the vehicles have been expanding, and the reverse-camera technology only mitigates that somewhat.

            1. Turquoisecow*

              I have a small hatchback and I find it so much easier for maneuvering in parking lots or in and out of spots. Much easier to parallel park my Chevy Bolt than a Ford Expedition!

          2. Reporting*

            Also, in a lot of places in the US, driver’s ed has been removed from the school curriculum, so unless your family can afford to pay for a private instructor, you’re just going to learn to drive from your parents or older siblings. If it’s not required to pass the test and it’s not something your parents do often, you’re probably just not going to learn it, which was the case with me. In my state, we did parallel parking and a relatively short drive through a residential neighborhood. My mom had never lived or worked in an area where reverse parking was required so she hadn’t done it since her own driving test 25 years earlier, so she just didn’t teach me. I also don’t live or work in a place where reverse parking is done often, so it’s never really come up.

            1. londonedit*

              Yeah, driving has never been on the school curriculum here. Took me forever to work out what ‘driver’s ed’ was in US films/TV – I thought it was ‘driver Z’ (as in the British pronunciation, ‘zed’) for years. You don’t have to have a driving instructor to learn to drive here, but the vast majority of people do simply because there’s a lot of learning to drive that’s specific to being able to pass the driving test – you might be a good driver but if you’re not constantly checking your mirrors and doing everything to the absolute letter of correctness then you won’t pass the practical test.

          3. Turquoisecow*

            I suspect it varies widely by location even in the US – I had my test in a closed off area at the DMV set aside for such a thing, but there are many others who do the test on the real urban or suburban streets. The test took something like 20 minutes and we did have to parallel park and do a 3 point/K turn, but I don’t recall needing to back into a parking spot for the exam.

            I also took it several times before passing. The first attempt I failed for not stopping fully at a stop sign, the second guy waved me through with a “yeah, that’s fine,” when I made a point of stopping for the requisite 2 seconds. I’ve also heard a wide variety of stories about the strictness of examiners.

  13. RCB*

    I have friends who work for chemical plants and other hazardous places and they are required to back into parking spots at work so that everyone can quickly evacuate in an emergency. This makes perfect sense, it is definitely easier to pull straight out and when you have a hazardous issue seconds matter so getting everyone in their cars and out of there as fast as possible is essential. They aren’t claiming it’s the easiest and most convenient thing to make their employees do, they are saying it’s the safest in an emergency, and that makes sense.

    1. Evacuation*

      huh, I wonder if this would be a legitimate reason not to hire folks with certain disabilities who can otherwise do the job – either because they take a long time to stow things like walkers and actually get into driving positions or because they rely on other types of transportation and cannot quickly evacuate under their own power (could someone else be required to evacuate them in that case?)

      Although the evacuation procedures for tall buildings aren’t particularly disabled friendly (although they’ve improved immensely since 9/11) and that wasn’t a consideration so maybe not.

      1. JMC*

        That would be completely discriminatory. We HAVE to park front facing because we haul my electric wheelchair out of the back of the car. But then all places are no disabled friendly and in cases of emergency we are basically left to die.

      2. Starbuck*

        That would be weird and discriminatory. In an emergency evacuation situation there are also very likely to be injured people who would need assistance evacuating – so hopefully there is a plan for that! The same plan could apply to someone with mobility aids etc.

    2. Mary*

      Yup. I worked in a place where a tsunami or a forest fire were both valid concerns. we always had to back in park so that we could get out quickly in an emergency.

  14. J*

    Strictly reversing into a parking bay is not only sensible company policy, it’s actually a good life rule. I’m not saying I’m good at consistently following it, but it is *significantly* safer for pedestrians, people with wheelchairs or prams, etc. And parking lots don’t seem like it but they’re highly pedestrian areas. The risk of dinging a car might be higher (although with only a little practice it really isn’t) but the consequences are so much less serious.

    It’s standard here in mining companies, for whom every injury on company property counts as a mining incident which the regulator does *not* like. They insist on reverse parking because it works!

    2. FashionablyEvil*

      It’s safer if the pedestrians are expecting it. I’ve had multiple instances at my grocery store where people insist on backing in despite an abundance of parking and I’m not expecting them to suddenly shoot into reverse when they’ve already passed me.

      1. Green great dragon*

        But if they’ve just driven past you, they know you’re there (and yeh, sounds like they should give you more space, but they’re unlikely to hit you). If you pull in forwards, there’s more time while you get settled in, find your seatbelt and get the car started, so more chance of someone you haven’t seen walking into a blind spot.

        (I used to read my mom’s advance driving magazines. This was not contentious.)

    3. RaginMiner*

      Agree- I worked in mining and currently work in oil and gas. it is very standard to require back-in parking for emergency evacs and pedestrians. also if you’re in the US, solidarity on minor incidents getting MSHA’s attention hahaha

  15. flatwhitewalker*

    I’m at an 800-person org with 10+ Kates in various depts… they’re “Kate” in direct conversation or within their team, and “Surname” otherwise, e.g. Jonesy, Mitch, Waititi, etc. It’s really a non-issue.

      1. Random Bystander*

        Back in the in-office days, we had a department of 22 (including supervisor) that included 5 Kathy/Cathys, 4 Jen/Jenni/Jennys and 3 Sara(h)s–two were Sarah, one was Sara. Sara was often called “Sara h-less”, but that was more humor than anything else. We did joke that you didn’t have to be named one of those three names to get hired, but it helped.

        1. Good Enough For Government Work*

          But Sara is at least pronounced differently to Sarah, which should make things easier!

          1. cornelia street*

            I’m curious where you’re from that they’re pronounced differently. In my experience (western US) I’ve always heard them said the same.

  16. Catagorical*

    Since I load my gear out of the back of my car, I never back into a parking space and I expect I’d have a lot of trouble doing so.

    I suppose I could practice with the lines in an empty lot if I had to.

    1. Jackalope*

      Certainly an option, but it’s actually easier with something tall enough that you can see it, rather than just the lines. If you didn’t want to practice around other cars, people up-thread have suggested comes or chairs instead.

    2. Starbuck*

      This would depend on the lot, no? In a garage it wouldn’t work but in plenty of lots you’d be fine. My work lot just has grass on the other side of the car spaces, and sometimes sidewalks etc.

  17. Irish Teacher.*

    LW4, as somebody with such a common first name that last week, the wrong doctor (at a reasonably small-to-medium sized practice) called me in because with maybe 5 appointment at a time, there were two doctors who had patients with my first name, the idea of asking somebody to go by their last name only seems completely over the top.

    Usually, people just use full names in cases where differentiation is necessary. “I’ve an appointment with Arya,” “Arya Stark or Arya Miles?” “Arya Stark.”

    It’s rarely a big deal. At school, I was usually one of 3, in classes of around 30, with my first name and other than that mix-up last week, it generally just means a moment when I’m about to reply and then they say the surname. And it makes far more sense to use her full name rather than just her surname. Heck, I have a colleague who people regularly refer to by her full name although she is the only employee with her first name. It is a very common name though, so I’m guessing that at some point, there was somebody else with her name there and people got into the habit, though she has been the only one for at least 7 years.

    And there is really no such thing as “mutually agreed on” when you are interviewing somebody because of the large power differential (for things like this, I mean; obviously it has to be possibly to mutually agree things like a starting date). When people are starting a new job, they generally want to make a good impression and aren’t likely to feel comfortable saying, “no, I want to use my first name,” especially I’d they sense that the boss thinks doing so would be a “nightmare.”

  18. Despachito*

    OP1 – I think it is perfectly normal to express disagreement if a person you are teaching comes unprepared to the lesson. Unless you do so in a humiliating way which it seems you didn’t, and unless it is perfectly clear that the person does the activity just for fun with no ambition to improve, which also doesn’t seem to be the case.

    It grated me the wrong way you felt the need to apologize so much for something which was in fact a part of your duties as a teacher.

    1. Mary*

      I read it as the OP apologized for making it the other kids’ issue rather than going only to the parents.

  19. Ina Lummick*

    at my work we have 3 people with the same name (first and last) – we differentiate them by department. IE sales julia smith, billing Julia smith, pm Julia smith.

    1. Madre del becchino*

      I once worked at a small bank branch (40 people) where there were three women named Joyce. Thankfully they all worked in different departments, because customers rarely ever knew the last name of the Joyce they wanted to talk to, so we could usually figure it out by asking the customer what issue they wanted to address with Joyce and direct them accordingly.

  20. Nah*

    I graduated in a class of <200 with 5 Katies, and I'm in a family with 4 Michaels and 3 Matts in one generation of close relatives/spouses. (Including a Michael/Matt pair married to each other!) We make it work, either with obvious context clues or just flat out just asking to clarify ("Hold on, do you mean Sophie's Matt or Ken's Matt?" "Ken's." "Okay, got it, please continue.")

    I just think you're overthinking this, LW. It's a lot easier than you expect, especially if you have different positions, last names, and other obvious things to differentiate yourselves.

    1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

      I think OP2 is just not at all used to having someone with the same name around her, she very pointedly didn’t use the name Jane after all.
      Asking the new Arya to use her surname is horrible though. I would never have agreed to that.

      A previous boss introduced a new hire with her maiden name, because her first name had a “decidedly Muslim feel” to it (she was Brazilian, for the record!) and he felt that she would be a victim of prejudice among the potential clients she would be reaching out to. Of course he was assuming all those potential clients would be as racist as him.
      We promptly all started using her actual first name, which annoyed him no end, and we were all tickled pink at that.

    2. sagewhiz*

      This was my family! From the late 1700s, for a good 150 years on my father’s paternal AND maternal sides, the first born son was Paul, the second Martin. (The daughters always included an Eva.) So it was always Ann’s Paul or Mary’s Paul, or Kate’s Martin and so on.

      But then, just to add to the confusion, many of the Pauls and Martins married other Evas. So that led to Eva’s Paul from Chicago, etc. Sometimes it took rounds of guessing to figure out who was being talked about.

      Thankfully, both my father and his brother broke the tradition!

  21. rebelwithmouseyhair*

    I can’t believe OP 3! However did you pass your driving test?
    Backing into parking spaces should be compulsory everywhere, as it’s incredibly hard to see small children and dogs walking along the line of parked cars, and small children and dogs are precisely the ones that can’t tell that the car is about to reverse out of their space. And car parks are typically places where parents and dog owners are less vigilant, because they’re thinking nobody drives fast here, and they’re hunting for their keys AND their car at the same time.

    1. A Girl Named Fred*

      I don’t remember much about my driving test, but backing into a spot was absolutely not part of it. If I even had to demonstrate parking, I probably just pulled in frontwards, got the “Okay, continue,” and went on my way.

      Sure, we can agree that it’s safer than backing out of the spot. But I also don’t appreciate the insinuation that nobody who’s backing out is paying attention, for the same reason we shouldn’t give the pedestrians the excuse of “Oh, they didn’t watch their kid because they were looking for their keys.” Yes, it takes a village and I’m going to be as careful as I can not to hit anyone while backing out, especially a kid, but if you’re walking in a parking lot and don’t actively have control of your young kid, I’m probably gonna judge you more harshly than the person just trying to get out of their space.

      1. rhamphorhyncus*

        Same here. I took driver’s ed with a certain number of hours of supervised driving time, and was not taught anything about parking, whether front ways or in reverse, nor parallel parking. Same on my driver’s test- I was not required to park at all, any way. I was specifically told that the test had ended before I got back to the DMV and had to park at the end, and that I was no longer being “judged”. The “most difficult” manouever I had to do was a three point turn on a residential street, with a line of cars parked on one side. This was in the southern US.

        Whereas my sister just got her license in the northeast US, and was taught all three methods of parking, and had to demonstrate all three on her test. Her test lasted much longer than mine and was much more comprehensive.

        I was taught to park all three ways by my mom, but even after driving for years, I’ve only had to parallel park a handful of times, and I’ve never backed into a parking space. I’ve never even backed into my driveway. It’s just not something that I ever have to do where I live, and I don’t have a backup camera in my car. I am not used to doing it, and would be nervous doing it, especially under pressure. Backing out of a space is so much easier, since you’re going from a confined space to a less-confined space, and have the leeway of a few extra inches to manouever in. I back out of spaces very slowly and have never had an issue, I just make sure to look for pedestrians/hazards/other cars/etc. Backing into a space is much more difficult, since you’re trying to go from a less-confined space to a more-confined space in between two cars/spaces, with the additional requirements of getting it straight and even between the two lines, not too close to one side or another.

        Pedestrians also have a responsibility to not walk blithely unaware through parking lots and behind parked cars, just as other drivers are responsible for staying aware of what other cars are doing. Both parties are equally responsible for avoiding injury or accidents.

      1. Lego Girl*

        I took drivers Ed through a major US city’s public school system and by being competent enough in class, got a piece of paper to take to get my actual license. I am nearly 40 and still have never taken a “driving test” at the DMV. (I do, however, prefer to back in so I can pull out and be gone. I hate parking garages that are sloped with slanted lines that force you to back out).

    3. londonedit*

      I don’t think rebelwithmouseyhair is in the US, and certainly in the UK our driving tests are about 45 minutes of driving around as instructed by the examiner, and there’s a range of manoeuvres that you have to learn to do because the examiner will choose from them to ask you to do during the test. You also have to follow a sat nav, and I think you have to answer questions about car maintenance and/or road signs etc. You also have to pass an online theory test on the Highway Code before you can take your practical driving test. It’s not compulsory to have lessons with a qualified driving instructor, but most people do, and lessons will include driving in as many different situations as possible. So to us, it’s very surprising to learn that manoeuvres like reversing aren’t standard in other countries when learning to drive. You can’t pass a driving test here without being able to do them safely and to a decent standard.

      1. Nancy*

        OP3 didn’t say she can’t, just that she is uncomfortable doing so when it’s between two cars. In the US it depends on the state, parallel parking and reversing was one of several skills on my test in the 90s and still exists on the test in my state. I rarely need to drive because I use public transportation, so I can’t remember the last time I parallel parked.

      2. Nonsense*

        And yet some of the very first comments have been about not being taught, so you really can’t say you’re so surprised over it now.

        There’s no formal standard for the driving tests in the US. Depending on where you live, who taught you, and which proctor you get, there’s a huge amount of driving ability that you may never actually learn and may not even need for decades. For example, I never needed to parallel park when I lived in the desert southwest, even in the cities. I also, obviously, never had to learn to drive in snow and ice. Someone from the Great Lakes region, however, would have tons of ice driving experience but would have no idea how to drive in a dust storm.

    4. Flor*

      Yeah, I’m honestly amazed at how many people are saying they were never taught it. I’ve sat tests in two different places and it was compulsory in both, as were parallel parking and three-point turns, so I think of those all as pretty standard manoeuvres. I only ever reverse in because it’s what I was taught and in a narrower space I find it easier than driving straight in between two cars.

      1. Dust Bunny*

        I had to parallel park but not back in. And, frankly, the parking lots I use most frequently for work are very tight, and one has angled spaces, and having to maneuver to back into a spot would be a massive pain in the rear. Parking forward and backing out are much less dicey.

    5. Spencer Hastings*

      In New York State, the driving test is:

      -drive around 1 block

      -do one three-point turn

      -parallel park once

      That’s it. I didn’t have to do any other parking, drive on the highway, change lanes, go through a complicated intersection, or do any number of pretty common things. I did those in my lessons, of course, but I wasn’t tested on them.

    6. Pixel*

      Driving tests in the US vary WILDLY, even down to the individual examiners at a particular DMV location. I failed my first driving test because I didn’t stop fast enough for a stop sign that was completely occluded by a tree. We were out driving for almost an hour, for that test. I passed the second one, at a different location, with a different examiner, in fifteen minutes.

      As for reversing, driving instruction ALSO varies wildly. I learned to drive backwards because of my mother, who felt that it was a necessary skill. I didn’t learn it in driver’s ed class in school, that’s for sure.

  22. username*

    In my company we have two people with the same first and last name in exactly the same job! We solve this by using their middle initials (I.e JohnG Smith + JohnP Smith)
    It did take me a while to remember who was P and who was G.

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      We had that two years above me at primary school, that was solved the same way with “Joe W Smith” and “Joe M Smith”. (Real name was about as common as that). It was managed okay at primary school, but I know there was a story that when they were applying for high school, someone didn’t clock the different initials and thought they had the same person twice. Someone was calling out people’s names to allocate them to their new forms on the taster day, called out Joe Smith and both stood up, and the school took a lot of convincing about what happened.

      (When I started that high school two years later, we all got a personal letter from our head of house telling us what form we would be in before we got to the taster day. Not sure if the incident with the Joes prompted this change.)

    2. Dinwar*

      My name is a family name–first son always has the same first and last name, different middle initial. I also grew up in a small town. My wife’s graduating class had nearly as many people as my town had, to put “small” in context. So the folks in town knew us. And they still constantly confused who was who, even with the middle initial. On Saturday mornings, back when film cameras were a thing, we’d go meet up at my grandfather’s place and figure out who’s photos were who’s from–we all went to the same drug store to process them (it was run by a second cousin), and they always scrambled them! And when I went to buy my wife’s engagement ring they ran my father’s credit score, which got really entertaining (hadn’t told my parents we were getting married).

      If my second cousin can do that after knowing my family his entire life, I can only imagine the confusion that a similar situation would cause in a workplace!

      Well, it actually did happen once. My father and I work in similar industries, and someone in my company that works with my dad (no connection at all to me) saw my name in an email. They thought it was Dad, and got really, really confused. Again, we all got a good laugh about it, but it shows how easy it is to miss that middle initial!

    3. Ann*

      Amazing. I used to have a coworker with a pretty rare name and last name. He left for another job a couple of years ago. Within months, the company hired another guy with the same exact name and last name for the same role. Same. Exact. Name. No, they didn’t re-hire the same guy, they are definitely different people. It’s like a glitch in the Matrix.

  23. Security Princess*

    I see both sides. I have a moderately common first name with an uncommon spelling, but I’ve been sharing my name with classmates/workmates since school and I’m used to it. What really threw me was when someone started at my job going by the same non-given-name nickname that I go by with my partner and close friends only. I found it quite hard to call him that, kept responding automatically when people referred to him, and was very glad when he left.

  24. LW1 should let this go*

    I wonder what LW1 thinks they did wrong or why they feel the need to apologize to the whole family. It is obviously not ideal to bring it to the attention of the older siblings because they very likely will not feel any responsibility, but it seems such a normal thing that a teacher wants to address this.
    Also, as a child, I would be so confused if my teacher only reminded me about practise in a funny way because that means it is not that serious and important, no matter how many times they talk about it, right?

    1. Myrin*

      Yeah, I have to admit I don’t really get that, either. I mean, maybe she was much harsher than it sounds like in the letter in a way where now the child is afraid to attend lessons alone but as it stands, this doesn’t seem so outrageous that OP needs to contact every family member about it.

    2. londonedit*

      Have to say I agree. I had piano lessons briefly as a child, and if I hadn’t done my practice or I forgot to bring my books then the teacher would definitely chastise me about it. Not in a bullying way, but in a ‘You really need to make sure you’re practising enough, and you need to remember to bring your piano book to each lesson. I don’t have a spare copy so we can’t make progress with your pieces this week’ or whatever. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Nothing wrong at all in reminding children to do these things, even in telling them off when they don’t do what they’re supposed to. Of course if the OP had screamed at the child, no, but there’s nothing to suggest that’s what they did.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Yeah, I think it makes far more sense to speak to the child than to or as well as to the parent. I realise piano lessons might be different than school teaching for something like this but I would very rarely contact a parent about a minor issue like a kid not being prepared for class. Unless it was an ongoing issue and I was concerned about the kid falling behind, I’d speak to the kid myself.

        I do think it was a bad idea to speak to the older siblings, but even that’s not that huge a deal.

        1. londonedit*

          I’m sort of imagining all the children were there at the beginning of the lesson, and the OP said ‘Sally! I can’t believe you’ve forgotten your books again – I reminded you last week! You really need to start bring everything you need for the lesson, every time – otherwise we can’t practise the right pieces. It’s not good enough’ or whatever. And I don’t even really think saying something like that is necessarily ‘bad’ in front of the child’s siblings, as long as the OP wasn’t laying into the kid or totally shaming them or something.

          1. Irish Teacher.*

            Yeah, that would make sense and strikes me as utterly fine. I took it as she called the oldest sibling in to tell them, “your little brother/sister wasn’t prepared for class. Isn’t that very disappointing? You’d never do that, would you?”

            1. londonedit*

              Yes, or a ‘You’ve forgotten your books again? That’s really not good enough. Look at your brother and sister – they don’t forget their books, do they?’ sort of thing, which again I think would be a fairly common teacher tactic.

    3. Sandwich*

      I’m confused by this as well. It is well within the bounds of a music teacher to remind students that it’s important for them to practice and be prepared, so unless the LW was mean (which is different than firm) there was nothing wrong with that. Talking to another child wasn’t the right move, but also (again, unless the LW was actually mean) not worthy of anything more than “Eldest child, I’m sorry for making it seems like you’re resposible for your sibling. Thank you for always being prepared.”
      The only two plausible situations I see are the LW being actually mean or the LW mistakenly believing anything less than Mary Poppins cheerful is mean.

    4. LHOI*

      Also–why do they feel the need to apologize specifically to the mother?? The father is literally right there, can they not apologize or work it out with him? He’s the kids’ dad!

  25. Myrin*

    I could’ve sworn there was an update to #3 (the same name) but it’s not linked here and I don’t see it mentioned anywhere in the original post, either. It was pretty astounding, with OP basically digging her heels in and forcing the new person to go by another name. Am I confusing two name-related letters or did I just make this up completely?

    1. bamcheeks*

      There’s a very similar letter called “Can I ask a new hire to go by a nickname?”, although in that one the LW hadn’t got as far as actually asking the new hire to do so!

    2. Geotech here*

      #4. reverse parking is standard in UK construction sites for the safety reasons mentioned (you’re apparently more likely to be careless leaving a parking spot than going into one). I also don’t love it but deal with it by parking further away (we also don’t have painted lines to follow which helps).

    3. Margaret Cavendish*

      Arya updated in the comments on the original post. I put the link above – it’s still in moderation, but they were commenting as OP2 if you want to take a look.

      1. Myrin*

        Oh yeah, I saw that, but what she says is pretty different from what I remember (I remember something about a lot of rotating volunteers, which I could find no mention of in Arya’s comments). Either that was a fever dream or it was indeed in a letter different enough for me to not find it via the search function but similar enough for me to get the two confused.

        1. Hlao-roo*

          Maybe you’re remembering the letter bamcheeks mentioned above? That one (originally posted May 23, 2018) has “over 300 volunteers, most of whom are 60+. Because of my position, I don’t have day-to-day interaction with most of the volunteers, but it’s important that they know that I’m the one in charge.”

          There was an update September 10, 2018 (in full, because it’s short):

          I just wanted to give you an update on what I originally wrote you about. I did hire the person with the same name as me. When we hired her, we asked if she had any nicknames that she wanted to go by and she said no (it’s something we ask everyone because before your start date, your name badge gets made and it’s a pain to get a new one if you decide you want to go by something different). She started out asking everyone to call her Amanda C. Most people dropped the last initial pretty much immediately. She ended up getting frustrated with the confusion and chose a nickname for herself after about three weeks. Everyone made the transition pretty easily and it’s been going well.

          Thanks for your help!

          No forcing that I can see, but the new hire did end up using a nickname.

  26. Firefinch*

    I’m a Jennifer born in the 70s. Please. And we’ve had multiple names at our workplaces, where we differentiate based on what they work on. Which can get a little morbid: Are you Infectious Jennifer, Plague Jennifer, or Emergency Jennifer? But it’s not hard to deal with.

    And since car exhaust kills plants, I pull in front first when that’s an issue. Whenever possible, in parking lots, I pull through. But if it were policy, it’s not something I’d fuss about.

    1. Dust Bunny*

      I went to a very small college that seemed to actively recruit Davids and Katherines (not a religious college, even). We had Music Dave, Curly Dave, Poli Sci Dave, [name of dining hall] Dave, and Pickle Boy, who was a Dave who always wore a Dill Records sweatshirt. And that was just my friend group.

  27. Apex Mountain*

    For #2 I don’t think the issue is that the new job was left off the resume, but that apparently it wasn’t mentioned at all in the conversations. I find it hard to believe their current employment status, or why they’re looking, etc didn’t come up in a phone screen or after that.

  28. Abigail*

    4: the prevalence of back up cameras and alert features in vehicles now probably make for a different letter in 2024.

    It is okay to have a preference on how you like to park. It is weird to say you cannot or will never reserve park. It’s a pretty basic skill for any driver and now there is a lot of technology to make it even easier

    1. Wayward Sun*

      It’s also a requirement if you own a Tesla. The charging port is on the back left corner and their chargers have very short cables.

    2. Who knows*

      I am genuinely shocked that I had to scroll this far down in the comments before someone mentioned the existence of back-up cameras. Yes, not everybody has them, but if you do, backing up is much safer and easier!

  29. Jam Today*

    I was born in the early 70s, and due to the names that were popular at the time, by the time I got through college I knew 23 guys named Chris and 11 guys named Mike, and managed to distinguish among them even when the Chrisses or Mikes were part of the same class or friend group and even when I had dated three of them (although not at the same time). Heck, I’m one of four cousins who have the same name, somehow we all know who is who.

    People need to get a grip. If someone told me I had to go by my last name because it would be too challenging to distinguish between two people I’d wonder if they all had some major executive-function disorder.

  30. Retired now*

    My husband and my boss had the same name, ‘Art’. It led to some raised eyebrows when I spoke of things like weekend plans with Art. Their names evolved to be Art and My Art. All my coworkers would even refer to my husband as Your Art. Mostly, we just enjoyed the confusion. I tried to remember to explain to new coworkers so that rumors didn’t start.

  31. 45 / 47*

    My Mom taught first grade for nearly 40 years. One year, in a class of 24 students, she had 4 Michaels, 3 Erics, 2 Emilys, 2 Annas, a Nicky (male), a Nicole who wanted to go by Nikki, a Jamie (female), a Jamey (male), and a James thrown in for good measure. Everyone survived. I think two adults working in a professional setting with the same first name can manage.

  32. Delta Delta*

    #3 – I worked in a small company (10-12 people) where the horrible office bully had sort of a unique first name. She recruited a short-term employee with the same first name and was her biggest supporter to bring her on in the short-term role. A few months went by and one of our colleagues retired, leaving a full time job open. Suddenly the Bully couldn’t stand the short-termer and found fault with literally everything she did. But the short-termer was doing a good job, so the Big Boss hired her on full time. The Bully then engaged in a bullying and emotional manipulation campaign against the new employee until finally the new person quit. A year or so later the Bully let slip that she just didn’t like having two people with her same name on staff. Ugh.

  33. Peanut Hamper*

    #2: I really think if this candidate didn’t get a job with LW’s company, they probably dodged a bullet. Life moves on, and it’s ridiculous to expect candidates to put their professional lives on hold just because they applied to you. This seems like a completely ridiculous thing to get hung up on.

    Maybe your application process is entirely too long and drawn out?

    1. Anonymous Job-Hopper*

      Although the application process may be beyond LW’s control (or even the agency’s, if they’re in academia or government), I agree. It’s weird that people on the hiring committee took this as a major red flag.

      I’ve been in a similar situation on the candidate side. I have a professional degree, for which there aren’t a ton of available positions in my area. My best option was a job at a government agency in another county. But in the window between my accepting the offer and my first day of work, a position opened up in my town. The new position used my degree, was located 5 mins from my home, and paid $10k more annually. I worked at the first job for all of three weeks: I was offered the new job during my first week, and I gave two weeks’ notice. I still feel bad about that situation! Fortunately, everyone at the first agency was very understanding. And nobody at the new job assumed that I was unreliable or deceitful. It was just a matter of unfortunate timing.

  34. HonorBox*

    Maybe I’m off base here, but I kind of feel like LW1 made the right apologies, but really didn’t need to. If the child client wasn’t prepared and parents weren’t around, I don’t think it is totally off base to mention something to older siblings who happened to be there, in hopes that they could pass along a message (since presumably they’ve been left in charge in mom and dad’s absence). While I don’t know exactly what was said initially to the child or siblings, unless they called the young child names or raised their voice, I don’t think it is that out of line to give some pointed correction. It is a waste of everyone’s time, and a waste of the parents’ money, to not even have materials ready to go.

  35. Also Laura Actually!*

    Hahaha, I’m on a small team with four Emilys. We manage just fine! However, in high school my two best friends and I had the same first and middle names and went by our surnames. People still call me by mine.

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      I went all through primary and secondary school with a friend where we were both “Regina Lana different last name” (not the real name, just in keeping with the name I use here) – when we got to secondary school there were three other “Reginas” in the year group. My best friend at secondary was one of seven “Emmas”. We managed being “Regina M” or “Emma S” without having to resort to surnames (while I can’t speak for the other Reginas or the Emmas, I personally would not be happy with going by my surname, for various reasons which would be getting into off topic territory).

  36. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

    #2 Sansa had been at the other job for ONE WEEK. Maybe she forgot to update her CV, maybe she thought it wasn’t worth putting on there (as Alison would have suggested) because she’d only just started, maybe it’s a terrible job and she wanted to get out as soon as possible… if she was a top candidate, why not interview her anyway?

    1. Pizza Rat*

      The position LW might be interviewing Sansa for might be Sansa’s first choice, but she took her second choice because when you need a job Right Now, you might not be able to be particular.

      I’d interview Sansa.

  37. BatManDan*

    re LW#4 – my ex-wife used to work at a place that posted, in the parking lot, that failure to back-in park was a termination-level offense. I’m guessing their insurance required it, or something. Personally, I get VERY nervous backing in (scraped a car or two that way), so I’d rather front-in park (but, if possible, I’ll pull through to the space in front, so can can front-out leave, too).

    1. Antilles*

      Personally, I get VERY nervous backing in (scraped a car or two that way), so I’d rather front-in park (but, if possible, I’ll pull through to the space in front, so can can front-out leave, too).
      The theory is this: If you pull in normally, then you end up backing out of the space when you leave. And when you’re first parking into the spot, you’re going to be more aware of things around you then when you’re leaving. For example, if there’s a small object that fell into the spot, you’d have plenty of time to see that before starting your back-in parking move. Meanwhile, when you’re leaving, most people just jump into the driver’s seat rather than walking around the car, so you wouldn’t see something behind you that wasn’t there when you first parked. Back-up cameras help this of course, but it’s still not quite as ideal as actually putting eyes on where you’re going to be backing right before you do it.
      I can say that my company instituted a “first move forward” policy where you’re required back into the spot while parking so the vehicle’s first move is *always* moving forwards (note: you can also pull through the spot and that is also acceptable). The policy has cut down on the number of backing accidents by a whopping 20% – with the associated benefits on insurance costs for the (employee-owned) company.

  38. Vito*

    Re: #3
    I had that issue with a job that I lasted 1 month at. The big problem was that I was NEVER asked. I found out about 3 days before I left the job when the name tag arrived with my last name on it. I asked the admin and was told that my name choice was overruled by my supervisor. I still feel that the supervisor was an egotistical ASSHOLE. I still tell that story to show how bad a company can treat their employees. BTW, the supervisor was named Joseph and I wanted a name tag with Joe. I would never do any business with that company and would tell friends to avoid them as well.

  39. Dinwar*

    I have three kids in music lessons. I wouldn’t give any of this a second thought.

    A big part of these sorts of lessons is teaching children life lessons. Sometimes you fail. If you don’t prepare, those odds increase. And people will call you out for it. It’s hard to learn that lesson, but it’s better they learn it playing the violin rather than by getting fired from their first job! And mentioning it to older siblings is hardly a bad thing. I know our music tutor has done that with our kids–“Your brother brought his book with him, you need to be more like him” and the like. Shame gets a bad reputation, but the reality is it’s a powerful and useful tool for managing people (you just need to use it properly, for things that are actually problems).

    As for the parental switch, you don’t know what’s going on in their lives. My wife and I are in the process of changing responsibilities in the family because my job is shifting to a less on-the-road role, for example. It means that in some cases we drop the kids off and leave (not music, but other lessons), because that’s literally the only time we have together that month. Or it could be that the mother is taking night lessons herself, or her shift changed. Or she’s just tired of dealing with the kid not being prepared and is trading off with the father for a while–not that YOU did anything bad, but the KID could be a handful. Dealing with executive disfunction takes a lot out of you, and trading off occasionally prevents you from losing your mind completely!

    1. Mouse named Anon*

      Agreed! As a mom of 3, sometimes if a teacher or instructor calls my kid out it goes much further than if I do it.

    2. Dust Bunny*

      Yeah, we were resistant to, and often unprepared for, our piano lessons and our mom made it very clear that that was on us, not her (we were plenty old enough to be prepared, we just didn’t always do it). If we were embarrassed on lesson day . . . well, that was the consequence of our own [in]action.

  40. One Duck In A Row*

    #1 – If I were the parent, I would probably feel shamed, but also want to add that I’d know you didn’t actually mean to shame us in any meaningful super judgmental way. My perspective is of a formerly highly achieving kid with undiagnosed ADHD (who was able to pull things off despite that as a kid) who is now the parent of a kid whose ADHD is so severe and all-encompassing that it is always obvious and a struggle despite her diagnosis and medication. (Believe me, it would be even worse w/o the meds – I’ve literally told the school “good luck” when we’ve been unable to access meds due to the shortages over the past couple of years. At least seeing my kid w/o medication helped them understand that this is actually a disability…) Anyway, that is a very ADHD-long-winded way of me saying that some of us formerly high achieving kids carry a lot of sh*t around pleasing authority figures, and feel secondhand shame if our kids aren’t pleasing their teachers. And most of the folks I know like me keep that inside, because we realize that it isn’t our kids’ faults. If that parent were me, I’d probably be keeping more distant because of that irrational feeling that I failed both you and my kid by allowing my kid to be unprepared. IDK how prevalent that is, but the feeling is so all encompassing for me, even though I know it’s not rational, that it at least feels like there have to be a lot of us feeling that. Who knows!

    #3 – Ugh I’ve been through the pressure to choose a nickname, and am glad I resisted. My first name has a couple of obvious nicknames, but the only one of those I’ve ever gone by is very personal and specific to close family and would feel really weird and wrong to use at work. The only other nickname I’ve had was given to me by close friends in college, and is also special and specific to them – not letting that become tainted by being a work nickname, and it’s also not an actual name out in the world. While it’s not inappropriate in any specific way, even in my casual workplace it would feel pretty eccentric to be the one person going by a name that is obviously not even a name. Also, I used to have a co-worker who decided to choose a nickname to go by to avoid duplicates, but because she didn’t usually use a nickname kept on changing it to find one that felt right. Anyway, that was more confusing than her just using her duplicative name.

  41. RaginMiner*

    Reverse parking is bog standard in most industrial type workplaces- prevents employee accidents and it makes it faster/safer to leave in the case of an evacuation. I’ve done it for so long, it’s an unconscious habit when I’m parking other places as well! I promise you’ll get used to it quickly

    1. Mouse named Anon*

      Yupp, I work in the utility industry. Our field workers are required to back in (or pull thru in most cases). If you drive a company car you HAVE to back in. At the office with our personal vehicles we are strongly encouraged to back in, but its not required. Sometimes I don’t back in, but most of the time I do. I am not a field worker or drive a company car.

      We are also told to “circle for safety” meaning you check behind all the wheel wells and the front and back of the car before you pull away. Our field workers have actually prevents some serious injuries to kids and small animals this way!

    2. Dinwar*

      I’ve been on a lot of jobsites where that’s been a requirement. Backup cameras make this a lot easier these days. Backing an F150 in between two sports cars via mirrors is not my idea of fun, but it becomes a habit.

      You guys use a blue cone or something similar, for your 360 walk-arounds?

      1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        When I bought my Accord used, the previous owner had those long-range side-view mirror attachments installed. I hated them, wanted them gone… until I figured out how to rotate them 90 degrees so they pointed at the yellow lines on the pavement while I’m backing into spots.

        Now, I’m perfectly happy to leave them there. A shame your F-150 didn’t have them back in the day to make that parking task easier.

  42. call me wheels*

    Asking someone else to go by their surname is an overstep imo. I actually go by my surname in most circles because I’m nonbinary and prefer it, but my sister at school was forced to be called by her surname as part of a bullying thing and she hates being called by just her surname to this day. Being called by your surname when it’s not your choice can feel depersonalising I think. And it’s not necessarily easy to go by your surname, systems aren’t set up for it and it can cause confusion (part of the reason I am planning to transition to a new first name soon.) It’s too much to ask of someone else I feel.

    1. Frosty*

      I also feel like a job candidate will often agree to just about “anything” if they are really desperate for the job (or just want it badly). If I agreed to be called by my last name as part of getting a job, I’d definitely have second thoughts when I got there. As much as this might seem “fine” in theory, in practice it can feel strange.

      There is a power imbalance in asking someone to go by a different name in the workplace, especially at the interview level.

      2. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

        “Arya Stark” may also hide another scenario/issue.

        Imagine the anonymized name is now Alex Taylor. The candidate thinks “Sure, I’ll go by Taylor” only to find a dozen Taylors in the office.

    2. Angstrom*

      Good point about use of surnames and bullying. That brings back some unpleasant memories…

      For duplicate names, we tend to use either the full name or first name & role: “Bob in Purchasing”, etc.

  43. Lady Blerd*

    About letter 4, where I work, it used to be required because a long time ago, there was an evacuation that turned into a clusterphuck because of the cars facing different was. But they’ve since relaxed about for personal vehicles but the work vehicles are still parked in reverse.

  44. Dust Bunny*

    OMG the name one. My workplace has 35 people and two name doubles (and at one point we had three of a name!) and it’s just not an issue. I occasionally send an email to the wrong [Anne, not the real name] but I’ve finally learned to start typing emails by last name, which fixed that.

  45. Frosty*

    I work somewhere that has a lot of people that are “professional drivers” (they drive as part of their job and have licenses to drive different sizes of vehicles etc.) and the trend in the regular car park (for our own vehicles) is for them to all back in. I think it is a a bit of an ego thing and also just a trend.

    I asked someone once why everyone seems to back into their spots and they said “so it’s faster to pull out when we leave”. I found that so funny – the amount of time to back out of a spot at the end of the day vs. pull out directly has got to be about 1-2 seconds difference in time.

    I don’t back in so I can show I am “counter culture” (joking but also not fully joking haha)

    1. Wayward Sun*

      It also depends on the vehicle. With a large vehicle in a typical parking lot with narrow aisles, it usually takes at least two back-and-forth maneuvers to get straight in the space. If you back in you can usually do it in one shot. It has to do with the way backing in lets the vehicle pivot tightly around the rear axle, while the front end swings through the clear space in the aisle.

  46. JFC*

    #1 always reminds me of my school. It was a fairly small private school with grades 6-12. Probably less than 200 students total. At one point, we had three students with the exact same first and last names. During assemblies or schoolwide announcements, they would discern them by grade “7th grade Arya Stark, please report to the office” or “Happy Birthday 10th grade Arya Stark!”.

    Today in my office we have two Michaels and two Jills in the same department. They all serve different functions so it’s pretty easy to keep them straight.

  47. BlueCactus*

    In my medical school class we have four Michaels and four Chrises. Somehow, we make it work. It’s really not that many more syllables to say “Chris Brown.”

    This does remind me of when I was a kid and my mom was forced to go by her full name instead of the nickname she’s used her entire life (think Margaret instead of Meg) because her boss had a personal aversion to nicknames. It’s just simply not your business what your employee chooses to go by.

    2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I ran a very small summer program for kids for awhile 2 kids with the same first name. OK, we will call them Lisa S and Lisa…S. OK Lisa Simpson and Lisa…dang Simpson. ok how about middle initial. Lisa M and …are you kidding me Lisa M. Eventually one of the moms says this happens a lot since they are the same age and grade in a tiny town and one just flat out went by her middle name Marge for most activities. Of course we did already have another Marge as well.

  48. RagingADHD*

    I can only assume that LW3 has an unusual enough name that she has never had to encounter this before directly. Though it is odd that she has been working long enough to have direct reports and somehow never managed to work with a cluster of Daves, Seans, Jennifers, Joes, or Emilys.

  49. Scarlet ribbons in her hair*

    At one company, Maria hired an assistant named Maria. The office manager said that it would be too confusing for there to be two Maria’s at our company, so the new Maria had to be called MC (her initials). MC did not seem to mind. Of course, it’s very possible that she felt pressured to agree to be called MC.

    One day, a floral arrangement was delivered to our office. The card indicated that it was for Maria. So I put it on Maria’s desk. (Neither Maria nor MC were in the office at the time. But Maria walked in a few minutes later and left shortly afterwards.) A while later, a man called and asked to speak to Maria “Carson.” I knew that was MC’s last name. If the receptionist had answered the phone, I’m certain that she would not have known that and would have told the caller that he had the wrong number. I told the caller that she wasn’t in and offered to take a message. He said, “I just wanted to know if she liked the flowers that I sent her.” Horrified, I said that I had given them to someone else. I asked him why he hadn’t had her first name and her last name written on the card. He said that it never would have occurred to him in a million years that there might be two women named Maria at our company.

    I ran to Maria’s desk, only to see that she had opened the card, figured out that she wasn’t the intended recipient of the flowers and had put them on MC’s desk. When MC came back, I explained to her what had happened. She was fine with it.

    At the same company, there were two men named Bill. One was the owner. Whenever someone called in and asked for Bill, if he were asked “Which one? Bill “Jackson” (the owner) or Bill ‘Conrad’?” the caller would snap, “Bill Jackson, OF COURSE!” All callers for Bill Conrad asked for Bill Conrad. So when a fax came in that was for Bill, I put it on the owner’s desk. A few days later, the same fax came in again, but it was for Bill Conrad. I figured that the sender didn’t realize that there was more than one Bill in the office, and that when Bill Conrad told him that he hadn’t gotten the fax, they put two and two together and figured out that it had been given to the owner.

    At another company, Charles “Jenkins” Jr. and his son, Charles “Jenkins” III, worked in the same department and had the same job. It was lots of fun answering the phone and trying to figure out whom the caller wanted to talk to. Sometimes they said Junior, thinking that the son was Junior, but they were transferred to the father. Sometimes they didn’t know that there were two men at the company with the same name. Good times.

    1. Lady Lessa*

      We currently have the same problem with men having the same name. Again 2 are father and son. But now since the father is retired and doesn’t spend too much time at the company it’s less of a problem.

      1. Bruce*

        At one time I worked for a company that had 5 guys named Bruce, all in engineering. Luckily we were not being paged by the PA system very often. But the real challenge was we had a large contingent of people in the factory team from one country in south east Asia, and there were at least 3 people with the same name… who were all frequently paged! The PA system would call out ” number 1″ or “same name” number 3″ multiple times a day. This was before cell phones were common, I think they finally bought these guys pagers.

        1. Bruce*

          Ugh, I forgot that angle brackets are special characters… I meant this to read “same name number 1” or “same name number 3” with ‘same name’ being the specific nationally common name from that south east Asian country that I’m intentionally not being specific about out of respect for my many friends from there.

  50. Ama*

    I will say that I have found as a service provider that some clients don’t know how to respond to apologies for mistakes especially if it’s a mistake they consider minor but one they wouldn’t want you to repeat. I don’t really know why but it’s like if they don’t feel like “no need to apologize” is the right response they don’t know what to say. (With my clients they usually say nothing until either one of us sends an email about the next step in our shared project and we move on like nothing happened.)

  51. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

    #1 – my mind immediately drew the scenario closest to my own mom of multi-kid piano lesson experience.
    a) Dad insists on the lessons but has been completely hands-off despite multiple mom suggestions that the youngest is too young to do this alone.
    b) Incident happens and mom feels judged for not having the kid prepared.
    c) Dad is now required to step-up and mom has washed her hands of the whole thing and is taking the lesson time to herself.

    1. HonorBox*

      I was thinking about that scenario too. That, or they simply had to play rock, paper, scissors to see who supervised because after the email mom realized there was a problem that needed to be addressed.

    2. NotAManager*

      That was where my mind went too, that the parents had a discussion about Kiddo not being as prepared/enthusiastic about music lessons as they could be, Mom doesn’t feel like managing that part of the kid’s day, and Dad is the parent who’s more invested in music lessons, so he’s stepping up to keep tabs on the kid.

      (Though as someone who suffered through 8 years of piano lessons when I was Done after 2, my recommendation is to let the kid drop that activity if they’re consistently not into it. It’s not a reflection on the instructor, just the kid’s interest.)

  52. DramaQ*

    My name was #3 on the most popular list the year I was born. It got to where when I was in school if people didn’t say my last name I wouldn’t respond because I assumed there was another DramaQ somewhere nearby.

    Took YEARS before I got used to answering to my first name only.

    One year on vacation there was a guy calling my name and I automatically answered. He goes “Oh crud wrong DramaQ I forgot how common your name is! I am trying to get my wife’s attention ahead of you.” Then he shouted for her using their last name. We had a good laugh about it.

    I’ve never gone by just my last name. Not that I would care but I would be weirded out upon hire if someone insisted I HAD to go by my last name because they were here first therefore I can’t use my first name. I’d be even more weirded out if they got offended that I introduced myself by my given name.

    We have two Justins and two Johns in our lab. We had two Matts and two Erics at one point. The Justins and Matts choose to go by last names but it was never required/expected of them or based on who got here first.

    But even when we don’t it’s pretty clear in context who we are talking about. If not a “no other one” clears it up. Nobody gets offended by it nor does it cause mass confusion. We all know there is more than one Justin and to clarify rather than assume.

    I’ve gotten many emails that weren’t for me because people weren’t paying attention to the last name. I just reply “Wrong DQ, this is DQ ::last name::” Nobody has ever been offended or cause a problem about it.

  53. Bruce*

    For LW4… if this was submitted in 2014 there are a lot more cars with back-up cameras now! Hopefully the writer felt better after some practice.

  54. Retail Dragon*

    I’m blind in one eye. I’m legally allowed to drive, but backing into a space would be a potential disaster because my depth perception is minimal. Being required to do so by my employer would be a nightmare for me. Just reading that letter gave me a shudder!

  55. ADD*

    Regarding parking rules: my workplace actually forbids back-in parking. The context is that I work for a University, where everyone has to pay for parking, and everyone’s parking pass is tied to their license plate which gets read by cameras on the parking enforcement vehicles. So, they want everyone’s plate to be visible, and parking backwards will unfortunately get the car a ticket.

  56. Insert eye roll here*

    LW4–backing in whenever possible is taught in professional driving. It actually IS safer for the reasons your employer outlined since you will be backing in to spaces where traffic is not expected and pulling out forward (and with more visibility) where it is. I think it’s weird and out of bounds for an employer to require it but I’ve heard of worse things to impose. Sounds like you just need more experience since you have to back out in one direction or the other pretty much anytime you drive.

    1. JFC*

      True, but it’s usually easier to back out of a space because you have much more room for error.

      If LW4 was writing today, I’d suggest they find an empty parking lot to practice in the evenings or weekends. I’m uncomfortable backing into spaces as well and I don’t think an employer should require it, but it’s probably something I could get adjusted after a little while.

      1. Exit Stage Left*

        It’s easier, but it’s more dangerous for both you and other cars, as you’re entering a flow of traffic you can’t see. When you back into a spot you have situational awareness of what’s going on (you know if there’s other cars, kids, bikes, whatever – because you can see them). Statistically, accidents involving children / pedestrians / cyclists are *greatly* reduced by reverse parking into residential driveways. With a little practice it becomes second nature (to the point I frequently forget to park the other way around at locations like Costco where you *need* to park the other way around to access your trunk).

        I agree *requiring* it seems extreme, but we don’t know if there’s been problems that are trying to be addressed, or if it’s a high risk area for pedestrians / bicyclists / children.

  57. Orora*

    #3. Back before the earth cooled, I worked for a company with three Amys and two Jasons. To top it off, all the Amys were Amy Lynns so you couldn’t even go by first and middle names. We settled on numbers. Amy #1 was the one who’d been there longest, Amy #2 was there second longest, and Amy #3 was the latest hire. Same for the Jasons.

  58. Pizza Rat*

    I didn’t mind backing into a parking space or pulling ahead into one, but I’ve had my rear license plate stolen twice when I did so. I mostly avoid it now.

  59. Sleeplesskj*

    Years ago I was an administrative assistant to two vice principals at an elementary school. My name is Karen – VP#1 was also Karen. VP#2 was Karin. Somehow we never had a problem.

  60. Ami*

    #3 – I’d be pretty befuddled if my prospective manager in an interview started talking about how awkward and confusing it was that we had the same names, with the clear insinuation that this was a problem that needed to be solved. I wonder if Arya felt pressured to agree to go by something different because she was worried she might not get the job if she didn’t. It’s good that LW didn’t ask/order her to go by something different (which would have been way out of line) but talking about it as if it would be such a big issue might have made it seem like a problem she had to solve. (I also wonder if Arya just forgot between the interview and her first day because… well, this isn’t a big issue that most people would have at the top of their mind as much as LW.)

    I would also never agree to go by my last name, because my last name is also a common first name (think like Taylor or Wilson) and I would be worried people would think it was my real first name. That would be a nightmare for me lol.

  61. DJ*

    I once worked somewhere where I had the same first name as the commissioner. Unusual name too. It was quite funny hearing ppls shock when I’d call saying it’s X about Y. They thought it was the commissioner.
    At my current workplace there were 2 Kate’s so it became Kate F and Kate H!

  62. Eucerin*

    So uhh, I guess LW3 did not go to school during the 80s-90s and/or wasn’t named Jennifer, Katie, Jessica, John, Matt, Mark, Tiffany, Heather, etc? Or even the early 00s and have like, 3 Madisons and 2 Aidens in every class? That may or may not have had 4 different spellings?

    My name is a not-totally common spelling of Catherine and I’ve managed to work with Catherines who spell it that way too. At one point I was using a not-very-common nickname for it–and wound up having a coworker with the same nickname. And the same spelling.

    Unless LW3 was the Queen of Great Britain, I just sort of don’t see the problem here.

    1. Meep*

      I am kind of wondering if LW3’s is uncommon to the point she never had to deal with it and never expected to. I mentioned above. My name is Morgan. Before high school, I had met three other Morgans in my life – two younger and one a dog. The first time I had another Morgan in my same grade was High School where there were 3 of us and then first time I ever had another Morgan in my class was senior year. It was actually the last time, to my knowledge, anyone else in my class had my same name. Though, it has been increasing in popularity in recent years.

      I could see someone easily not being able to cope with having a shared name if they never experienced it before and just freaking out. Especially in the age of -leighs and -aidens and all the insane spellings that go with it as parents try to make their kids’ names one-of-a-kind.

  63. ABC123*

    I think the name one is unusual especially with the follow up as to why there was a business need for the arrangement.

    Normally when dealing with emergency response you would list the position not the name. And have the call go to multiple people in case one is away from their desk

    It’s much easier to remember SAFETY OFFICE x5555; rather than trying to remember if it is Joe B, Joe D, or Joe P who is the Hazmat specialist for your building

  64. darsynia*

    This will likely get buried but as the mom of a child who is very resistant to practicing her instrument but insists she really wants to play, there have been times where my deep frustration at this meant I needed to step back from the process. I did not want to offend her music teacher over this as it’s not their fault! I don’t know if that helps 5 years later (or anyone else who might read this) but I thought you might appreciate it, LW#1!

  65. Andrew*

    At an old workplace of mine, there were two Andrews on my team; myself and another Andrew. The supervisor asked if either of us had middle names and if maybe we could use our initials. THe other Andrew’s middle name started with a “J,” so he said “some people call me ‘AJ.'”

    The supervisor nodded, then asked me “what about you?”

    I told him my middle name starts with a K, so I’d be “AK.”

    This is where I mention the supervisor was from Afghanistan.

    He gave me one frightened look and asked “you mean like ‘AK-47?'”

    I said “yup.” I giggled.

    He said “I do not like that,” then looked at the other Andrew and said “you are ‘AJ’ now.

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