coworker is giving a colleague underwear in our Secret Santa, cooking a roast at work, and more

by Alison Green on December 16, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker is giving a colleague underwear in our Secret Santa

My office organizes a Secret Santa. The guy who has the desk next to mine told me today that he got the name of a colleague of ours with whom we eat often, and that as he heard her say once during lunch that it is a tradition in Spain (she is Spanish) to wear red underwear for the new year, he bought her red lingerie. He is quite friendly with her, but I still think it is a terrible idea. He is in his late 40 and married, and she is in her early 30 and single. They are at the same level and they don’t work together, so he really sees her as a peer and doesn’t agree with me when I tell him that this kind of present is entirely inappropriate. She will have to open it in front of the whole office. Even from a close friend I would not like it, so in a work context I believe it has the potential to become a huge problem. It could damage both of their reputations. I told him what I think and he disagrees with me. What else should I do ? I don’t really want to let my colleague get this kind of present at work.

Yeeesh. That’s really inappropriate. Even if they have the kind of friendship where she wouldn’t be bothered by the gift, she’s going to be opening in front of all her coworkers — and I doubt she wants that, or that they want that.

Since he’s not interested in hearing from you, tell the person organizing the Secret Santa and suggest they intervene. They’d probably be interested in clarifying the guidelines of a work gift exchange with him. (And warn your coworker, as well. She should know too.)

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

2. I fell for an email scam and cost my company money

I was recently the victim of a scam over company email and I wanted to write you for both advice and to warn your readers!

Recently a member of the executive team (but not my direct supervisor) emailed me in the morning to ask if I had any meetings or if I was available to do her a favor. There were very few people in the office and we’ve worked together for many years, so this wasn’t odd. My coworkers do these kinds of things for each other fairly often. I let her know that I was available and asked what I could do to help. She said that she was in a meeting and couldn’t talk, but needed me to run and grab a few Google Play gift cards for her for some clients. None of this raised any red flags for me, but you see where it’s going…

…It wasn’t her emailing me at all. Someone had spoofed her email address and I ended up sending over $1,000 worth of gift card information purchased with my company credit card over email to a stranger and criminal. It wasn’t until I had done everything that she asked and she requested more gift cards that it occurred to me that I was being scammed. By then the damage was done. The cards are worthless now.

The second that I realized what happened, I ran to fill in my supervisor and contacted IT and our accounting department to let them all know. Everyone was understanding to a fault, but I can’t get over it. It’s humiliating to have fallen for this. I have no experience with Google Play gift cards, but apparently they’re one of the few cards that you only need the code to redeem, not the gift card number itself.

To add insult to injury, I’m generally one of the most tech and digital-savvy people in our organization and I’ve never been so mad at myself. I’ve been trying to pay my company back the money I lost, but they won’t allow it. If you have any advice over how to move past such an idiotic, pointless, and pricey mistake, I would love to hear about it.

Your company is right not to let you pay back that money. Mistakes are a cost of doing business, and it’s in their best interests not to have employees worrying that they’ll have to personally foot the bill if they mess something up. So stop offering that! (And for what it’s worth, while I’m sure your company wasn’t thrilled to have lost $1,000, in the scheme of things that amount is not huge for most companies the way it would be to most individuals.)

This scam works because people fall for it. Chalk it up to experience, decide you now have a good story when the subject of email scammers comes up, and don’t stay mired in embarrassment about it. (Plus, you’ve done a good deed now by spreading word about it here.)

– 2019

3. Will I be tarred with the same brush as my unprofessional counterpart?

I just recently started my first post-grad job and I’m loving it. I have been working since I was 14, so while this is my first full-time job, I consider myself fairly well versed in professional behavior. I’m aware that I am very young, but I’m willing to learn and take cues from my colleagues, and I think I’m balancing the fact that I’m inexperienced and need advice, with my ability to read the room and abide by office norms.

I started alongside another brand-new employee doing my same role, also fresh out of college. She does not seem professionally aware and she’s very chatty, often talking over people to share her personal stories and not letting others talk, quick to loudly chat about personal stuff when we should be getting our heads down, and generally she seems young and focused on things that seriously don’t matter. I see older employees roll their eyes when she interrupts them to talk at length about sorority dramas and college deadline disasters. She’s incredibly nice, and competent too, but I’m worried we’ll both be seen as the same. I really don’t want to be tagged alongside her as “annoyingly young and unprofessional” by the rest of the office, which might mean I don’t get invited to sit in on and observe higher stakes meetings/decisions, etc. which would be really useful to learn from.

I wondered if you had any advice, other than just being as professional as possible, to make sure I’m not seen in this same light? I can’t really give her advice because we’re the same age. (And also, I’m not 100% sure what’s acceptable, so what would I even say!) We work closely together so we are always in the same conversations, and her behavior is never truly separate from me – conversations about her sorority pals always happen with me right there and I’m worried I’ll inadvertently get labelled as having the same attitude. Any advice?

You’re underestimating your coworkers! I promise you that they can separate the two of you and can tell that you’re not the one talking over people, interrupting them, talking about sorority drama, etc. The fact that you’re the same age isn’t going to make them think you must be like that too, since they can see that you aren’t. In fact, it’s likely to do the opposite and make you look better by comparison.

One thing I would watch out for, though, is to make sure that you don’t exclusively pair up with her for the social parts of work — like having lunch with her all the time, always grabbing coffee with her, or so forth. It’s fine to do that occasionally if you want to, but if you do, make sure that you’re forming relationships with other people too. If people see you socializing primarily or only with her, there’s a danger that they’ll associate you with her a bit more — not that they’ll think you’re overly chatty, etc. if you’re not, but just that they may see you as having less mature judgment just by association. That’s not really fair, but it’s also not always a conscious process — people just often assume when they see two people hanging out together that they have the same values and worldview. That’s not to say you can’t socialize with her — you definitely can! — just make sure that you’re spreading your time around to others as well.

– 2018

4. Cooking a roast at work

Last year, our common lunch area and kitchen (for about 120 people) was refurbished, with an oven put in. Nobody has really used the oven until this week when a group of staff from different teams, who are friends, decided to use it to cook a roast for lunch. (Walking into work at 7:30 am to find a staff member oiling up a raw piece of meat was NOT an expected start to the day.)

Well, the oven’s first ever workout was a bit gross. For the whole cooking time of a few hours, the common space smelled of raw meat and some other weird odor. Apparently a few people commented on the smell — nothing overly malicious, things like “eww” and “ooh, that doesn’t smell good!” Some people seemed not to notice, but a number of us found it a really awful smell, to the point that we had to avoid the space. The two or three chefs got defensive (“it smells nice to me!”), complained to our HR department about the way they were treated, and have been cold shouldering a few staff all week as a result.

What do you say? Given that this group probably couldn’t have foreseen the roast/oven smelling weird, is this an appropriate use of the common kitchen? Is this just fun for a group of work friends to do, or am I justified in thinking that cooking a roast at work for eight people is a little obnoxiously cliquey? For what it’s worth, a number of the group involved in the roast are middle managers.

I don’t think it’s a big deal that they decided to cook something together — there’s an oven and there are people who need lunch, so why not make something in it? But it’s true that making something that needs to cook for hours and will fill up the space with a noticeable smell (even a good one) isn’t a great move if they’re not offering it to others too. Not outrageous, but not ideal.

The weirder part is that they took such offense to people’s comments about the smell, to the point of complaining to HR. That’s a bizarre response, and I wonder if there’s some other context that would make that make more sense.

– 2019

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{ 32 comments }

{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. yvve*

    I’ve just generally erred on the side of caution with ALL strong smells– some things that don’t bother me (like popcorn, microwave broccoli) really bug other people, while things that really bug me (bacon, for example) don’t bug other people. Even if they offered it to other people, I don’t think I’d want to smell a roast in the office all morning (and I like roast just fine!)

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    1. Artemesia*

      Just because there is a kitchenette doesn’t. mean it is appropriate to fill a workplace with restaurant like smells. I saw that in an institute I worked in. Staff fried chicken and the place smelled like a KFC when important Foundation people came to interview the ED about a potential grant/sponsorship. The director was embarrassed and moderately furious about the whole thing and the rules laid down were that no extensive cooking would occur in the kitchen without authorization.

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    2. StarTrek Nutcase*

      I would wonder if none of the roasters were aware the first time or two an oven is used it usually has an off smell. I know manufacturers claim they don’t but the four I’ve bought over last 15 yrs (long story) certainly have and the really high-end one my law office employer installed awhile back did also. No obvious off “taste” was noted but it was always meat or casserole.

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      1. allathian*

        It’s usually recommended that new ovens are wiped with a damp cloth and heated empty with the top and bottom heaters for 30 minutes at medium heat before using them for the first time.

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      2. CityMouse*

        You also have to be careful (any time but especially the first time) you use an oven just in case something is in the coils.

        There are also certain meats that have a period during early roasting where they just don’t smell great (pork especially in my experience).

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    3. CityMouse*

      I also have some concerns about someone handling a large piece of raw near in a shared kitchen because of contamination concerns. It’s rare to have raw meat or eggs at work or it’s small and contained. Preparing a roast, especially opening packages, can be quite messy. So at least for the rest of the day you have to wonder if you can trust any surface in that place.

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      1. Lizard the Second*

        Yes, this would be my main concern! I would be pretty grossed out by raw meat being prepared in an office kitchen, because of the contamination risk.

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  2. Archi-detect*

    Yeesh buying underwear should be reserved for spouses and children only- let alone lingerie. Even if it doesn’t cone across as hitting on her or announcing they are having an affair it would be super duper awkward.

    I am rather glad he switched to a hat

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    2. Observer*

      I’m glad he switched to a hat. I also am glad, although I was actually (pleasantly) surprised that he decided to get a handle on his overall behavior.

      I hope that lesson stuck.

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    3. yvve*

      i could understand the thinking if they were friends and he gave her like, oversized goofy print underwear as a gag gift. (tho i probably still wouldn’t recommend it) But lingerie??

      Reply ↓
    1. Merry and Bright*

      Lol, yes. Scam training every six months, a monthly installment of a scam soap opera/heist flick, monthly phishing email tests, and an extra reminder in December to be careful with holiday greetings in multiple languages to make it seem more festive.

      Reply ↓
      1. StarTrek Nutcase*

        Gawd, I don’t miss all that. Unfortunately, like most non-work product training, the employees most likely to need repetitive training (i.e., fall prey to scams) are the least likely to give attention to the training. Yet management makes all employees go through trainings although most training should be focused on offenders.

        It’s comparable to having to attend meetings about a topic (timekeeping, password restrictions, etc) where only 3 out of 50 are offenders. And the 3 are usually oblivious during the meeting and the rest just want to go back to work. But management doesn’t have the balls to just directly & privately address the problem with the 3.

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        1. Roland*

          I think these trainings are actually not much like “just talk to those 3 in particular” situations. This type of scam is really common and anyone can fall for it, even me or you. Thinking that we would obviously never do this and thus the trainings are obviously for Jim in sales is how people end up falling for scams.

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  4. RCB*

    I think the kitchen one is much ado about nothing. Lots of times something different (not good, not bad, just different) happens and people feel they just HAVE to react, so they do, and it’s mayhem. Cooking a roast at work IS different, and most people have never seen that before (any cooking at work, let alone a roast) and felt they had to react in some way, and people really love to default to being overly dramatic about things. It sounds like the ovens may have not been used before, and if not then the first few times you use a new oven there is definitely an unpleasant smell as factory odors burn off, so that is very likely some/most/all of the issue, which means it will probably not be an issue or at least not as big of an issue going forward. The meat smells I just can’t imagine were so offensive as to cause this much drama unless someone just really wanted to be dramatic, and there’s nothing you can do to fix that.

    I say all of this as someone who grew up in a “I need to be DRAMATIC about smells” household. My mother is…..difficult. One particular example is that we had this really small oil fryer where you could fry a few chicken strips or whatnot. I always found that if I fried something and left the fryer out (where mom could see it when she came home and knew it had been used) then she would throw an absolute fit about how the house reeked of fried food. If I fried something and put the fryer in the cupboard before she got home then she didn’t know it had been used and never complained about smell. It was never about the smell, it just gave her an excuse to complain about SOMETHING.

    I suspect that is what is happening here, because something is very outside the norm from what one usually experiences in the office and people just lose their mind when something like that happens.

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    1. Wendy Darling*

      I’m also sort of baffled because raw meat doesn’t really smell like anything unless there’s a genuinely startling quantity of it (like, several hundred pounds) or it’s gone off. If I walk into a house and someone is preparing a roast in the kitchen I won’t be able to tell without looking, and I have an unusually acute sense of smell.

      Cooking a roast definitely does smell, but it smells like meat cooking.

      I wonder if what people were smelling was cooking meat + some kind of weird new-oven smell. A lot of times the first time or two you use an appliance that heats up, it smells kind of gross because there’s residue from manufacturing that’s burning off.

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        1. Mongrel*

          Another reason it may be to do with the oven is if it’s a convection one.

          In a normal oven by the time you can smell the roast it’s normally well past the ‘funky’ stage, the convection is blasting every smell that’s available form the moment you switch it on.

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      2. Quoth the Raven*

        As someone who only eats meat occasionally, I do find that meat has a certain smell to it, both raw and when it’s cooking. I think I catch it more often when the meat is stored in a container and then it’s opened. It doesn’t bother me per se (unless it’s in large quantities as you said) but maybe it’s because I’m not exposed to it as often that I can catch it.

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        1. WS*

          Same, and for some reason pork smells particularly strong to me. And some people really hate the smell of lamb, though I love it!

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      3. Nina*

        I think it’s unlikely that this is the explanation, but I’ve been vegetarian long enough that 1) raw meat and meat cooking do very much have a smell, and to me they don’t smell like food anymore and 2) I would genuinely struggle to immediately identify that ‘non-food’ smell as being ‘meat cooking’ in a workplace where I don’t usually expect to find food cooking.

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    1. coffee*

      Yes, probably even more common now! The thing as well is that the scammer has plenty of practice at scamming people – and I believe they’re often actually a team of scammers. So they’re resourced up, and they keep evolving their scams to make them more and more successful.

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    2. Jackalope*

      Related question for this: I know someone who sort of got sucked into this one. They bought the gift cards and then realized that it was a scam and didn’t send them, but they were lamenting to me that they don’t use Google Play and don’t have anyone to give them to (o don’t use it either or I would have offered to buy them). Is there any way to get rid of them that’s not a total loss?

      Also, yes, be compassionate to yourself, LW. Scams are lousy and make you feel bad about yourself, but they happen because people are good at manipulating others and taking advantage of trust and assumed good will. Next time you’ll be more aware and less likely to fall for this.

      Reply ↓
      1. Katie Impact*

        There are gift card resale websites that will buy gift cards for slightly less than face value; just make sure to look into the resale website you choose to make sure the site itself isn’t another scam.

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      2. Roland*

        I would offer them at work at near face value. Don’t mention the origin obviously. I would do work over random strangers since people are less likely to try to cheat people who know where they work.

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    3. CityMouse*

      At most places that sell gift cards, there are warning signs now.

      My aunt didn’t fall for it, but there was.an extremely savvy one that somehow knew my other aunt would travel to Tunisia for work (not a terribly common thing where I’m from) and tried to scam claiming my aunt had been arrested there. Thankfully it’s now a lot easier to reach someone who’s traveling and a quick call cleared that up.

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  6. Riley*

    things like “eww”

    Are the coworkers 12? No wonder the chefs got defensive. Adults should know better ways to express dislike of somebody’s food odors than “eww.”

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  7. EllenD*

    I think #3 was a combination of a new oven that needed to get rid of the factory smells, and also the fact that some people don’t like the smell of meat roasting, especially if they don’t eat meat. I personally don’t like 90% of meat and dislike the smell of it cooking, so wouldn’t be impressed with colleagues cooking a roast. I can cope with colleagues heating meals in microwave, that takes less than 10 minutes – although I wish they wouldn’t do it for fish dishes – but meat roasting for a couple of hours would be hard to bear. If the meal had been partially cooked and then finished in the oven it might have worked, but I wonder about how they were managing vegetables, etc.

    Reply ↓

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