employee’s outbursts might be hormonal, an overly friendly coworker, and more

by Alison Green on December 20, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I think my employee’s emotional outbursts might be hormone-related

I manage a business with eight employees, which includes one supervisor, Diane, who oversees the daily operations of most of the remaining staff. One of those staff members, Kristine, is a very good employee; however, she periodically has very strong emotional reactions to work situations (and life situations, but we know to focus on the work ones).

Here’s the thing though, in reviewing my notes recently (following Kristine’s most recent outburst) I’ve realized that these emotionally charged reactions occur at a regular interval of every four weeks. Based on the notes and other information informally shared by Kristine, it seems very likely that these exaggerated behaviors are hormone/PMS-related.

While I have no intention of suggesting to Kristine that things may feel worse due to hormones/PMS, would it be completely inappropriate for me to help her supervisor make this connection too? Am I making too big a leap in my assumptions about this?

Should we address these behaviors that only happen every so often (and so predictably)? Even if I don’t say anything to Diane about it, is it inappropriate or “too soft” (I don’t want to be a pushover) of me to use a little more caution in addressing errors, requests, etc. during these times of likely increased sensitivity?

I think you can legitimately point out to Kristine or her manager that this happens at regular four-week intervals, but I wouldn’t speculate to either of them about why that might be. At most, you could say something like, “Given that this is happening at regular intervals, it might be worth talking to a doctor about whether there’s something medical going on.” But anything beyond that is too personal (and also gets into icky historical territory about women and emotions).

And don’t treat her differently during those time periods — it’s too personal, it’s speculation, and you might be wrong. (And a lot of people — everyone? — would be mortified if they learned that their boss was tip-toeing around them when they suspected they had their period! I am cringing just thinking about it.)

Most importantly, what you need from her doesn’t change regardless of the cause of her behavior: You need her to stop having disruptive emotional outbursts, and that’s true whether it’s caused by PMS, her monthly book club meeting, or anything else.

– 2016

Read an update to this letter here.

2. Should employers pay if employees need an extra seat on the plane?

I manage a few people who have large bodies. I am nearly positive that they don’t fit in a standard coach plane seat and would require two seats in order to travel — for context, I have overheard one person saying this on the phone with an airline once and another one told me in passing.

My question is, should the company foot the bill for the extra seat (or, if it’s comparable fare, an upgrade to larger seats in first class) when these employees travel for business? Is this common practice? Both are due to travel to a conference soon and I want to make sure they have the accommodations that they need. For the record, I’m hoping to get an “if you need more space, here’s what to do” policy set and just give that to everyone who travels rather than singling folks out and awkwardly inquiring about whether their body will fit in a single seat.

My opinion is that it would be unethical not to make sure they are taken care of in this regard, but I have a feeling my penny-pinching (and tiny) director will push back and probably even fat-shame. Any ideas on how I can advocate for the company to pay for everyone to have the amount of space they need? Is this as controversial as I think it might be?

It certainly shouldn’t be controversial, although we live in a society that likes to fat-shame so who knows.

But it’s not reasonable to expect people to pay for their own business travel, which is what your director would be doing if she refuses to pay the costs of transporting these employees. And that’s the way to frame it to her — “if we’re asking people to travel for business, we need to pay the full costs of that. We can’t ask people to cover the travel costs involved in business travel, or tell them they’ll need to take a financial loss in order to do their jobs.”

– 2019

3. Friendly coworker asks about my day, afternoon, and night

My coworker, Anna, is incredibly friendly, professional, and brings great energy to the office. I have zero criticisms about her: I love working with her and love her personality. The only thing I’m irked about is that she asks about my day, afternoon, and night … every. single. day! “What are you doing this weekend?” “Where did you go for lunch?” “Are you doing anything tonight?” “How was your day off?” I’m not getting a nosy vibe, just friendly. Thankfully, she doesn’t ask this all at once, but I think it’s too much! This must be her version of phatic expressions.

So far I’ve been responding with “not much, you?” or “nothing special. How about you?” Sometimes I like to be social and share whatever. Should I simply persist with being boring? I have a feeling that this will never end no matter what response I give.

I think I’m mostly annoyed that these questions force me to talk when sometimes I don’t feel like talking. I try to avoid being my own version of “Anna” by consciously asking people yes / no questions, which allows the other person to expand more if they wish. One example: “I hope you got to relax this weekend?”

I suppose I’m writing in for some validation and perhaps a perspective/mantra that would make this less difficult. Is there a way to navigate this? Am I the only one annoyed here? She’s just so lovely and friendly. I don’t want to say anything, but I’m bothered enough to write in!

Some of this is quite normal — “How was your day off?” is a pretty inoffensive question. But I can see how being asked every single day about all aspects of that day would start to feel like an awful lot. It sounds, though, like she’s a warm and friendly person and intends to connect with you and convey warmth and interest in you.

In many cases, questions like these help build warm relationships — she asks what someone is doing that night, the person says they’re seeing a movie with their partner, they talk about the movie, they talk about the partner, boom, now they’re having a more substantive conversation that builds a relationship.

In your case, it’s making you feel weirdly interrogated. That’s no surprise since you’re someone who’s deliberate about asking yes/no questions to coworkers in this context — which is pretty unusual and indicates you’re on the other end of the spectrum from Anna. So you two are just different in this way. (Although I admittedly might have a different read on Anna if you didn’t find her so lovely.)

But it’s fine to persist with vague or boring answers — “nothing much,” “just relaxed,” etc. (I enjoy saying “I am doing NOTHING” with enormous triumph like the tone other people use to announce they got Hamilton tickets. In fact, I take pleasure in bragging about doing nothing, as I feel I am doing the lord’s work by promoting lounging time.)

I don’t think there’s much you can do the being forced to talk when you don’t want to piece of this. That’s just part of working with other people — they’re going to talk to you, say social niceties, etc. I’d focus on the fact that you think Anna is great and this is more about connecting than interrogating you, and perhaps remind yourself that you’re just in different places on the Interest In Interaction scale.

– 2019

4. Should I tell people they’re supposed to cut the tack stitching off their suits?

This is low-risk question, but I was hoping you or your readers could help me address a pet peeve of mine. I live in NYC and see a lot of people, both men and women, while I commute and who I work with, who don’t cut off their “X” tacking. I even saw one person reinforce the tacking! I think this may be a nuance of professional polish that has been lost from common knowledge and I just want to help educate people. But how weird is it to go up to random strangers and be like, here let me cut this thread near your butt (kidding)! Do I try to tell people, for the betterment of fashion-kind or continue to mentally be exasperated at their ignorance? What should I say without sounding obnoxious or condescending?

Strangers: Don’t do it. It’s not your place and while some people might appreciate it, it’s going to be boundary-crossing to others.

People you work with: if you have a decent relationship with them and think they’d appreciate the heads-up, you could say, “Oh! You left the tack stitching on your suit — that little X there that’s supposed to come off after you buy it. Do you want me to cut it for you?”

But really, this is probably something you’re better off ignoring unless you’re with a close friend. It’s not really your business or your problem to solve. This isn’t in the same category as alerting someone that their fly is down or their skirt is tucked into the back of their underwear or other things people feel urgency around fixing immediately.

– 2018

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{ 157 comments }

{ 157 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Dahlia*

    Oh, man, if there’s ever a letter I want another update to, it’s OP2 in the update post to number 1. (This one: https://www.askamanager.org/2016/12/updates-boss-wants-to-talk-about-her-feelings-all-the-time-mother-is-a-destructive-force-in-my-professional-life-and-more.html)

    I very much hope that person is doing well.

    I see paying for a second seat no different from any other kind of accomodation a business may need to make. Not doing so is essentially discriminating against fat people.

    Reply ↓
    1. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      I totally went down that same rabbit hole. I hope she’s doing well. It was so awesome that the readers here helped her so much.

      Reply ↓
    2. Elle*

      It’s pretty clearly discrimination, but a lottt of people think discriminating against fat people is reasonable. Currently avoiding downthread where people are very comfortably saying how mad they’d be if they knew a fat person was upgraded to first or business or that they think it’s reasonable to choose people for business travel based on the cost to send them.

      Getting appropriate travel accommodations for a fat employee isn’t just about that person’s comfort- it’s also about the people adjacent to them. That’s why it doesn’t make sense to equate a tall person with a fat person in this context. A tall person may be uncomfortable in our coach seats, but we’re not going to affect adjacent passengers the same way and potentially get harassed over it.

      Reply ↓
    3. Insert Clever Name Here*

      That OP commented as AlligatorSky in the original posts; Hlao-roo has links to them all in a comment further down this page.

      Reply ↓
  2. nnn*

    #4: I once saw a grandmotherly lady carry it off by asking the young woman with the tacking “Are you on your way to a job interview?” When she said yes, the grandmotherly lady explained the tacking and why it’s there, and offered her a pair of nail scissors she had in her purse.

    I’m not sure if it could be carried off without that very precise confluence of factors.

    Reply ↓
        1. Delta Delta*

          Someone who appears not only kindly but also someone who speaks confidently and from a place of wisdom. Grandmas know stuff.

          I think of this whole tacking thing in the same vein as telling someone they have lipstick on their teeth or spinach in their teeth or something. I recently walked past a bunch of groomsmen posing for wedding photos. One had his shirt untucked, and I’m sure he couldn’t see it. As I walked past I smiled at them and said they looked like they were having fun, and then just quietly told the guy about his shirt and he tucked in his shirt. I never stopped, never broke stride, and I kept smiling. It helped to save some embarrassment for him, as they were taking photos.

          Reply ↓
      2. nnn*

        In this instance, an older lady, by visual assessment old enough to be the grandmother of the young lady she was advising.

        General vibe was at the intersection of kindly and harmless and loving and real talk, in a way that evoked for me how my own grandmothers would tell me the truth of the matter in a way that’s helpful and actionable while generally being supportive and nurturing, when other adults in my life would tell me comforting untruths to “preserve” my “innocence” while generally being self-absorbed and judgmental.

        Which is a lot to cram into one observation of one interaction, but that’s what I was picking up in the moment.

        Reply ↓
        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I second this. Someone who trusts that their interest will be perceived as non-romantic, non-threatening, and intended to offer a small bit of practical help.

          I’m not quite grandmotherly. But have observed that I get asked for directions far more often than my husband or his brother, who have outstanding senses of direction but are not small women–bystanders are not interchangeable with each other.

          Reply ↓
          1. Just Another Cog in the Machine*

            My husband and brother (both 6’6″) get asked for directions A LOT. My husband thinks it’s the opposite thinking. The person is thinking “I’m not going to scare this giant person by coming up to them and talking to them.”

            Reply ↓
    2. Certaintroublemaker*

      Honestly, every store clerk selling a suit with tacking should say at point of sale, “We recommend you cut this tacking today, after transport is finished and the suit is hung.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Artemesia*

        this. Shoppers are not tailors and people buying their first interview suit often have no clue about such things. It is the job of the tailor or sales person to remove or suggest removal of the tacking. They should also explain that the pockets can be left tacked to preserve the line of the garment or the tacking cut so that the pockets can be used. Lots of people are unaware that their jacket doesn’t have ‘faux pockets’ but real pockets that are simply tacked shut.

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      2. Mongrel*

        It’s yet another example of assumed knowledge that I hate, “Oh, but everyone knows that!” with the “you must be very stupid” subtext.
        The handful of suits I’ve brought all came with a small ziploc bag with a couple of spare buttons, adding a card with “Once you’re home…” instructions would be trivial.

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        1. DJ Abbott*

          Yes, and the whole point of fashion is exclusion. If you can’t afford the inflated prices (they’re just clothes!) or know the things that no one tells you, you are judged.
          Fashion is not the only thing that’s like this but it’s one of the most obvious, expensive, and unnecessary.

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          1. metadata minion*

            Yes! I remain grateful for the sales associate who sold me my interview suit. She managed to incredibly gracefully steer me toward an appropriate outfit without making me feel inadequate or like I didn’t know basic adulting things. Her entire attitude was “I possess expert knowledge in this field and am happy to share it with you”.

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          2. Frosty*

            The “whole point” of fashion is most certainly not exclusion. It’s about choosing to wear clothes that serve a purpose to you, the wearer. That may be comfort, aesthetics, a signifier of a particular role, protection etc. Some clothes are very expensive and “inflated” beyond their value, but many expensive clothes are priced that way because of the labour, knowledge and materials involved to make them.

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      3. Artemesia*

        This. It is ridiculous to assume that everyone buying their first interview suit would know about the tacking. Many people also don’t know that pockets are tacked shut and assume they have faux pockets, especially women whose clothes often don’t have usable pockets. The clerk should say something like ‘I left the tacking on to preserve the shape of the suit while you take it home; you can use nail scissors to cut the threads and remove it before you wear the suit. Oh and this suit’s pockets are also tacked shut. Some people like to leave that in to preserve the drape of the suit, but you can remove the tacking if you want usable pockets.’ Everyone has a first time to encounter these things; it is not something the average teenager and thus average young professional is introduced to.

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        1. Pocketses*

          I am in my 50s and this is the first time I’ve ever heard of this practice. how do you determine if the pockets ate sewn shut vs legitimately false (where trying to open them could damage the garment)?

          Reply ↓
          1. bamcheeks*

            Pull at the corners of the “opening” slightly— if they are tacked shut it won’t be finished and the thread will start to loosen immediately.

            Reply ↓
    3. Artemesia*

      I think if you want to do this, you blame it on the store — ‘oh the tailor at your store forgot to remove the tacking from your suit. . .’ On my way to my first major job interview for the position that I spent most of my career in, I am forever grateful to the guy behind me getting off the plane, who pointed out the price tag on my top. I felt like a total goober but at least didn’t walk into the interview with it. Although I do shudder at what I thought was appropriate clothing for an interview for that level position. Got the job though.

      Reply ↓
    4. Emma*

      I actually disagree with Alison here, I don’t think there’s any harm in a friendly “hey, you forgot to take out the tacking!” if you see someone on the train etc. like this. It’s something that can be fixed quickly, like an unzipped fly. I’d want someone to tell me!

      Reply ↓
      1. NE busybody*

        I agree! I live in a Northeast US city and have actually taken to politely telling people on the street about the stitch. It’s the same as having toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe, if you ask me.

        Reply ↓
    5. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      I had to laugh at that letter because it is a pet peeve of mine also. I used to say that if I was given some frivolous fairy-power, I’d cut the tacks out of everyone’s suits and coats.

      Reply ↓
  3. nnn*

    The first thing that occurred to me when reading #1 is that my own period, when unregulated, does not occur every 4 weeks – my natural cycle is highly irregular, ranging anywhere from 2 weeks to 8 weeks. (And when it’s regular, my associated emotional responses aren’t nearly as strong.)

    I’m thinking if #1 felt the need to say something about the interval, it might be more useful to say “around mid-month” or “at the beginning of the month” or whatever is applicable – maybe getting enough money into their chequing account to pay rent is stressing them out?

    Reply ↓
    1. Coverage Associate*

      Yes, I worked in gynecology for years and still wouldn’t go to a hormonal cycle for a cycle of emotions at work. It could be a regular personal stress like making rent or maybe a recurring personal appointment like lunch with the in laws.

      Or it could even be a recurring work thing that doesn’t stress others. A meeting with a difficult client? A deadline on this employee? Or a team meeting that just doesn’t affect others the same way.

      Whatever the cause, the employee needs to remain professional and ask for reasonable medical accommodation if necessary, but I am more concerned about the OP going straight to hormones than Alison. Or, I should say, straight to gender related hormones. Stress has endocrinological causes and consequences in everyone. So it probably is hormone related, just not the hormones OP is thinking of.

      Reply ↓
    2. Earlk*

      I reckon in this instance pointing out the regular intervals would hold less “it’s your period” connotations than making a point about it being monthly. Because if it’s unrelated to her cycle and actually coincides with a regular therapy session, treatment or obligation they don’t enjoy then they’re more likely actually to think about it and recognise how much that is affecting their mood than to think “is she blaming this on my period?!”

      Reply ↓
    3. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      The whole period/hormone aspect of it is irrelevant really. The underlying issue that needs to be solved is “this person is having outbursts in the office about once a month, which is far too frequent”.

      Reply ↓
      1. Insert Clever Name Here*

        Exactly. There’s an update to the letter where OP basically says that seeing her words in writing in public really drove home how wrong she was overall, so win!

        Reply ↓
    4. Soul Sister*

      I know – I tell my employees that it’s not my period because that’s all over the place, it’s probably the moon haha :-)

      Reply ↓
  4. RCB*

    For #2, this is definitely correct on the paying for business expenses part, but it doesn’t address the employee discrimination part. I think it can be implied in “…to do their job…” that job is legally protected from any forms of medical discrimination. But I think it needed to be reinforced here that this is discriminatory (literally, maybe legally, I can’t remember if weight had special rules for workplace protections?) as well, which holds people back in their career advancement and all that, as well as a cost of business that employees should not have to bear.

    Reply ↓
    1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      The other side of this is – assuming the employer does need to pay the additional cost – does this mean that if there’s a choice of people who can go on the trip (e.g. a conference where 2 people out of a team of 5 can go) will this lead to the company giving more opportunities to the people who cost less to send (because they only need one ticket) and what are the implications of that. Company needs to tread carefully here, especially if the obesity is a disability.

      Reply ↓
      1. WorkerDrone*

        I hope that doesn’t end up being the result, but lots of companies get away with a lot of BS so I do think this is a valid concern.

        If the company budgets X amount for employee travel, and sending one particular employee means it costs X+Y, I can see many managers/budget people not sending the employee who “costs” more. I hate that I can see that, I should add, but considering the wide range of unethical and/or discriminatory behavior we see regularly, this wouldn’t surprise me.

        Unfortunately I don’t have any solutions, but I do see where you’re coming from.

        Reply ↓
  5. Alz*

    LW 3: I had a co-worker like this and, like you, I found it really intrusive when she continually asked about my weekends and what I was eating for lunch. At the time I was going through some personal stuff and didn’t really want to talk about hospital visits or depressing doom-scrolling on my phone. Like Alison said though, I think she was mostly trying to find some common ground with me and I found that I actually did better by giving her a really specific answer about something random that didn’t feel too personal.

    “I’ve been growing spider plants and had to re-pot a heap of them and give them to my Neighbours or else they would take over my garden”.

    “I have been reading a book- I haven’t finished it yet so I am not sure if I would recommend it, but I stayed up later than I should finishing ‘just one more’ chapter”.

    I changed it up every couple of weeks but it gave her something to latch onto and her questions (though still frequent) were less repetitive and I found them less annoying

    Reply ↓
    1. Sharks are Cool*

      This is good advice! I also have a coworker with intrusive questions–and normally I love talking about my weekend/interests/whatever!! But their RESPONSE to whatever I share absolutely infuriates me for hard-to-define reasons. It sounds so petty when I try to describe it but I do NOT want this coworker’s condescending approval on whatever I did or didn’t do in my free time? It’s like, they think they’re being soooooo nice by asking but it’s actually just a vehicle for them to say something that makes them FEEL nice and then pivot into talking about themself? And even worse there is no self-awareness or malicious intent!

      So I’ve stopped giving them ANYTHING to comment on (“Oh it [my weekend] was great, how about yours?”) but maybe some non-personal specifics would help me feel more collegial while still avoiding the rage-inducing comments on my personal anything.

      Reply ↓
  6. DEJ*

    I told the intern once about removing his tack stitching. I figured that fell under the category of ‘things you might not know when you start wearing professional clothes and interns are here to learn.’

    Reply ↓
  7. Rory*

    I have genuinely never heard of “tacking” before so I guess I’ve always been making this mistake. Although I can’t fathom why this would matter to anyone else in the slightest.

    Reply ↓
    1. tokyo salaryman*

      It’s the same as seeing someone’s tag sticking out. It doesn’t matter significantly, but it would be better if it was tucked in (or the tacking removed).

      Reply ↓
      1. duinath*

        Or not cutting open the flaps on the back of your coat, I suppose.

        In related news, I bought a blazer recently, and now I am paranoid. I must investigate.

        Reply ↓
        1. JSPA*

          it’s exactly this (the stich that holds the flaps together). Though pockets can also have tacking.

          Sometimes people leave it so they can return the suit as unworn, after an interview. IMO, you’ll probably make a better impression with a thrifted or borrowed suit, if you can’t afford a suit.

          Reply ↓
          1. BW*

            I can’t stand seeing visible tacking, like suit or coat back flaps, hanger loops, and thread belt loops (yes, those are supposed to be removed).

            But my dad always told me to keep the outside pockets of my suit jackets tacked, but open up the inside pockets. He said, it kept the front of the suit from sagging if you kept the outside pockets tacked shut, and he’s right. I also keep the back pockets of pants or skirts tacked shut for the same reason. But in these cases, you cannot see the tacking from the outside of the garment, whereas with back flaps, that X is very visible. Plus that X on the back flaps also makes the jacket hang funny.

            Reply ↓
        3. Myrin*

          I also just checked all my suits and none of them have this. Now I’m wondering if this simply isn’t done in my country – I can’t really imagine something like this being geographical but who knows? – or whether my suits are too cheap and the manufacturers are just “whatever, who cares” about it; at least one of them was actually pretty expensive but since I don’t know a lot about suits, maybe it just seemed that way to me and in comparison, it wasn’t that much?

          Reply ↓
          1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

            Sometimes the store will remove the tack for you, and sometimes drycleaners might. Or if you’ve taken the jacket in for alterations, then the tailor would certainly have removed it.

            Reply ↓
          2. bamcheeks*

            It’s only done on fairly heavy fabrics. Heavy wool coats with a back vent will have it; light blazers and jackets almost certainly won’t. It’s fairly unusual on women’s suits because they are usually slightly lighter fabrics than men’s tailoring.

            Reply ↓
        4. But what to call me?*

          …there are flaps on the backs of coats that are supposed to be cut open??? This question has opened up a whole new world of mysterious clothing rules for me.

          And I’m still not sure what tacking is, though I guess I could google that now that I know it’s a thing.

          Reply ↓
      2. Learn ALL the things*

        I would say it’s probably more like walking around with one of those clear straps stores use to keep the blouses on the hangers sticking out of your neckline. It’s something that got attached to the clothing to make things easier for the stores that sell it that a lot of people in their daily lives don’t need.

        Reply ↓
        1. lost academic*

          I leave those on because they help keep them on the hangers in the closet without pulling them out of shape. I make sure they stay tucked in when I wear them.

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      3. BlueSwimmer*

        I’m a teacher and today is “The Night Before Winter Break” aka Pajama Day. I came to school in a new pair of pajama pants and walked through the entire building this morning with the size sticker strip still on my butt/leg.

        No one mentioned it so I am going with the belief that no one noticed.

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    3. scandi*

      the vent is there to allow the jacket to move around you without restricting your movements or bunching up weird when you e.g. sit down. if you leave the tacking, the jacket will feel more restrictive and look a bit off when you move. however, the vent tacking is only there in fairly high-end tailoring so there’s a good chance you’ve simply never bought a garment that has it.

      and it matters in the same way all other dress-code related standards matter. perhaps they shouldn’t in an ideal world, but adhering to them shows that you belong: you understand how you’re expected to dress in a specific context and how the clothes are meant to be worn (including things like removing the vent tacking).

      Reply ↓
    4. Wings*

      It’s often visually very apparent because they are holding together parts of the garment that are meant to allow the wearer to move around, like slits. Effectively, the clothes fit poorly in movement even though they may look nice when stationary in front of a mirror. It doesn’t really matter to others but there’s that “oh, poor person, they would want to have that removed if they realized” vibe.

      Reply ↓
    5. Constance Lloyd*

      The color of the thread used to tack the flaps of a suit jacket or pencil skirt shut can often contrast with the garment itself. It’s akin to forgetting to remove a price tag or having something in your teeth- far from the end of the world, but something one might wish they’d noticed earlier if they discover it after leaving an interview or important meeting.

      Reply ↓
    6. RagingADHD*

      They have secondhand embarrassment, like wondering if you should tell people they have spinach in their teeth. It doesn’t literally matter to them personally – they are empathizing. Nobody knows anything in this world until someone explains it to them.

      Jacket vents exist so that it moves better around your body and doesn’t bunch up when you sit down. They are tacked shut before purchase so the garment stays straight and get less wrinkled in shipping / handling. Leaving them on makes the garment fit worse and be less comfortable.

      Reply ↓
  8. CityMouse*

    The one thing I wonder about is how best to set the airline policy. I think it needs to be part of a general policy on travel booking and clearly stated “We accommodate physical restrictions including X, Y, Z” and making it part of a general accommodation I think makes it more standard and normalized. Definitely don’t approach individual coworkers.

    Reply ↓
  9. Diomedea Exulans*

    Not removing the tacking is a pet peeve of mine too! Almost everyone I see or know leaves it on. I asked a friend of mine and she said she thought it was meant to be on.

    I feel the same way about the French tuck or any partial tuck, but that’s obviously a conscious fashion choice, unlike the tacking.

    Reply ↓
  10. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    2. Took a look at the travel arrangements here for comparison and it basically says that if you require extra room for whatever reasons (height, weight, disability etc.) then the company will do it’s best to make sure it’s accommodated and here’s the procedure to request it.
    So there’s no real functional difference between the person who’ll need a wider seat (or two seats), the person who’s so tall they cannot fit in a standard and the person who’s mobility aids mean they need more accessible room. It’s all the same process.
    What actually gets booked with British Airways is of course depending on the situation but we’d never get the employee to pay for it.

    Reply ↓
  11. NothappyinNY*

    My employer has a policy of first class travel for anyone who has a BMI over 35 (in addition to trips over 3 hours) or might otherwise not fit in standard seat. It is in travel section of handbook. I am guessing anyone who could not fit in one seat might find this workable, and far easier to book, etc. On a personal note, thanks to Ozemic, I no longer qualify.

    Reply ↓
    1. L-squared*

      You know, I’m completely fine with a company paying for 2 seats, and if needed, I think its the right thing to do. But I think I’d be annoyed if I had to fly coach (and possibly a middle seat because of the extra cost of choosing your seat) and my bigger coworker got to fly first class.

      It’s not about the money difference, its about everything else that comes with first class over coach. If they are willing to pay for first class for any overweight people, they should be willing to pay for it for everyone.

      Reply ↓
    2. larval doctor*

      This feels very discriminatory to me. If they pay for two coach tickets, fine, that’s equitable. But first class has lots of perks aside from seat size that may be enjoyed by smaller employees, including being generally more comfortable, better food, earlier boarding, etc. I’d be really upset if some of my coworkers got first class tickets and I didn’t because of my body size

      Reply ↓
      1. I should really pick a name*

        If first class is cheaper than 2 economy seats, it sounds like a pretty reasonable solution to me.

        Reply ↓
      2. bye*

        If the policy is to purchase first-class tickets for some employees, then that should be the policy for all employees. The company would just need to eat that cost in order to be equitable.

        Reply ↓
        1. Wide sitter*

          It’s an accommodation. It doesn’t need to be equitable.

          Purchasing two economy seats is not a good solution. Airlines often will ignore the second purchased seat and put someone there if it is “empty,” regardless of the fact that you purchased two, particularly if the plane is full. That’s a thing that happens.

          The only certain solution for a large person is to purchase business / first class.

          Reply ↓
          1. Chairman of the Bored*

            When the airline does this does the person they put in that seat successfully sit in it?

            If so, doesn’t that mean that the passenger who booked two seats actually can fit in one?

            If not, what is the actual outcome? It seems like either the additional passenger would have to sit on somebody’s lap, or the person who booked two seats would have do deplane and take another flight.

            Reply ↓
            1. Bruce*

              I had to share my seat space with a large person once, I was not offered any incentive or alternative. It was awkward but I was polite to them, just as I would hope someone else would be polite to a member of my family in a similar situation.

              Reply ↓
          2. Ann O'Nemity*

            If you’ve purchased two seats to ensure comfort or because you require the additional space, airlines should honor that purchase and not assign the second seat to another passenger! It drives me nuts that airlines do this to people. (And to mothers who purchase a seat for their baby and the airline instead decides to give it to another passenger and make mom hold the baby for the entire flight.)

            Reply ↓
        2. 1-800-BrownCow*

          I agree, it should be a policy for all. As someone thin that would not qualify because I’m under the BMI threshold, I’d feel a bit irked that my height is not in consideration. I’m tall with very long legs so economy seats are always uncomfortable for me because I have no leg room. Add in that I always seem to get behind a short person who likes to lean their seat the whole way back and now I have even less room. I was lucky on a recent cross-country full flight to have a broken seat next to me so I was able to sit a little sideways and stretch my legs some. I will forever be tall with long legs and while I think it’s great a company is willing to accommodate people’s weight when traveling, I would feel resentful.

          Reply ↓
          1. Elle*

            I can assure you that no matter how uncomfortable you think you are as a tall person in a coach seat, you’re not as uncomfortable as a fat person.

            No one gives tall people dirty looks for the amount of space they take up.

            Reply ↓
            1. Ann O'Nemity*

              No one should feel cramped or have their personal space infringed upon, whether it’s by someone overlapping into their seat or stretching into their legroom due to insufficient space.

              Reply ↓
          2. But what to call me?*

            I’m not even all that tall and still if the person in front of me leans their seat back that thing goes right into my knees. On one flight the person actually complained about my knees poking into their back. Sorry, but I’m not messing my back up by sitting sideways the whole flight because you wanted to spend the 90 minutes we’re stuck in this tiny flying box lounging. I would most definitely be angry if some of my coworkers got to fly first class while I was stuck trying to figure out how to arrange myself in coach in a way that would leave me able to walk upright for the rest of the trip.

            Reply ↓
    3. CityMouse*

      I do wonder at this policy because a lot of shorter domestic US flights don’t have first class. First class also often doesn’t have seats that are that much bigger on width, it’s mostly leg room (I got upgraded because of travel points).

      Reply ↓
    4. I should really pick a name*

      I don’t think a rule that means someone needs to disclose their BMI is a great approach.
      “does not fit in a standard seat” sounds like it covers this anyway.

      Reply ↓
      1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

        Also, since BMI is a ratio of weight and height but the sizing of airplane seats is a constant, shorter people with higher BMI may still fit comfortably in the seat while taller people with lower BMI may not. “Does not fit” is the only real metric for this!

        Reply ↓
      2. Elsewise*

        Agreed, BMI is a really weird way of measuring that! It’s your weight compared to your height, which means that a short muscular fatty (like me) will have a very different BMI than a taller fat person with less muscle density, for example.

        Reply ↓
      1. Wide sitter*

        I mentioned it above, but it’s a fact that purchasing two economy seats is not a good solution. Airlines have no issues sitting someone else in the second purchased seat if it is “empty,” regardless of the fact that you purchased two, particularly if the plane is full.

        The only way to guarantee enough room for a large person is to purchase business / first class.

        Reply ↓
        1. Amy*

          First class seats are often 5-10x the cost of a coach seat for a reason. It includes a better meal, alcohol, superior service, a gift and faster deplaning. Deciding this is the only good solution isn’t going to inoculate the company from resentment from other employees.

          See last month’s letter about perks for parents. There’s no way to argue that a first class seat is a only a larger seat, it’s not.

          Reply ↓
    6. Bananapants*

      Oh wow I’d be big mad if other people were flying first and I was stuck in coach solely because of my weight. Booking two economy seats I get, but not a full fare upgrade.

      Reply ↓
    7. Ann O'Nemity*

      Having a policy of upgrading to first class based on BMI does not provide accommodations for everyone that needs them (ie tall people) AND it introduces perceived inequality. Other employees may view the first-class upgrade based on body size as preferential treatment, even if it’s a practical cost-saving choice.

      Reply ↓
  12. DawnShadow*

    I dress very casually at work, but if tacking is what I think it is, I leave it in on purpose to distinguish the front of my pants from the back quickly (I wear pants without zippers).

    I would rethink, LW, why you believe you are the only possible authority over someone else’s clothing choices, and what might be going on in your life that you are choosing not to think about so that you can obsess over other peoples’ problems.

    I say this with all compassion as someone who habitually gets very overinvolved emotionally in others’ business, even if it’s only in my own mind, when I have things going on in my personal life that I feel like I can’t face.

    Reply ↓
    1. Insert Clever Name Here*

      It’s not what you think it is.

      If you aren’t in a place where you can follow the link Alison provided in the letter, it is on the back vent of a blazer, sometimes also on the back vent of a skirt — it’s there to keep the fabric in shape during transportation until it’s worn. Someone upthread mentioned that it’d be like pointing out to someone that they’d left the size sticker from the store on their pants.

      Reply ↓
    2. YetAnotherAnalyst*

      The tacking stitch in question here is intended to temporarily close a split, like at the back of a suit jacket or the hem of a skirt, so that it’s not damaged before it’s sold. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it on pants?

      Reply ↓
        1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

          In fairness, googling “tacking stitch” or “tacking pants” doesn’t bring up this particular use case for me! I get results on how to do a basting stitch, how to hem pants and tack them invisibly, and how to bartack pockets for reinforcement (which, on reflection, might be what DawnShadow is talking about? Bartacks generally should NOT be removed). You do need to know the context already to reliably find what we’re talking about.

          Reply ↓
          2. Martin Blackwood*

            But if you google ‘suit tacking stitch’, since based on the letter this is suit specific and OP didnt mention pants, you do! Second result is a Buzzfeed PSA on this very topic.
            All this confirms is that AAM commenters are as lazy as everywhere else, lol.

            Reply ↓
    3. Constance Lloyd*

      It’s like leaving a store tag on your clothing. Leaving it is not the end of the world, but pointing it out to someone you know is a kindness, not obsessing or becoming overly emotionally involved.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This. It’s like pointing out that someone didn’t remove a tag. Maybe that is a deliberate fashion choice–but probably it reflects that they didn’t notice, and would appreciate someone noting it if it could be easily remedied.

        Obsession and deep emotional investment would be odd emotional states in this context.

        Reply ↓
      2. Artemesia*

        On the way to my interview for the job I had for 40 years, the man behind me as we exited the plane pointed out the price tag hanging from my new top. I will be forever grateful — what a goober I would have been showing up with that. And to add to the hilarity – it was Nashville.

        Reply ↓
    4. Throwaway Account*

      I wear pants without zippers and now I need to know what DawnShadow means – what is in those pants that is visible on the outside that helps distinguish between the front and back?

      Reply ↓
          1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

            My current best guess is either bartacks on the back pockets (which is one of the results when I search for “tacking stitch”), or darts for pleats (which is kind of what the AI search results sound like they’re talking about). I’m really hoping they’ll come back and clarify, though!

            Reply ↓
    5. Sloanicota*

      I have some dress pants that have the pockets stitched closed (?) but I leave it there because it makes a smoother line. I’m pretty sure I was supposed to cut them open at some point. Slight chance they were always fake pockets, it can be hard to tell with those little tiny front ones.

      Reply ↓
    6. Lab Rabbit*

      I would rethink, LW, why you believe you are the only possible authority over someone else’s clothing choices, and what might be going on in your life that you are choosing not to think about so that you can obsess over other peoples’ problems.

      Wow! You are reading a lot into this, given that “tacking” is actually not what you think it is. It’s something that is on a jacket or skirt, not pants (i.e., trousers). It should be removed after purchase and before wearing. Leaving it in is the equivalent of leaving the price tag on.

      LW is trying to do others a kindness by pointing out that it should be removed. I don’t see anything in their letter that suggests they believe they are “the only possible authority” or that they are obsessing over this. They live and work in New York City, so they see a lot of people on a daily basis and naturally, the chance that they will run into this is higher for them than for people who live in less populous areas.

      Reply ↓
    7. Learn ALL the things*

      I don’t think the LW is referring to what you think they are.

      A lot of business clothes, like suit jackets and pencil skirts, are designed to have a small slit in the back. When these clothes are being transported from the factory to the store, and while they’re being stored and displayed at the store, there are usually two stitches shaped like an X that hold the two sides of the slit together to prevent it from being damaged and to keep it lying flat on the hanger. It’s kind of like how sometimes dress pants have the pockets sewn shut when you buy them, so nothing weird ends up inside the pockets before the customers take them home.

      The manufacturers of these clothes don’t expect or intend for you to leave those stitches in, but as formal dress clothes become less common and ubiquitous, there are a lot of people who don’t know that. It’s not the end of the world if someone is walking around with the flaps of their blazer still sewn shut, but if it’s someone you know well, it could be a kindness to explain it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Flor*

        All of this, and I’d add that I think something a lot of people who aren’t familiar with tacking aren’t picking up on is that the vent is there for comfort and ease of movement. So I do think it’s a kindness to point it out (though not to strangers) for that if no other reason, because walking up stairs in a pencil skirt with the vent versus with the vent sewn shut can be a very different experience.

        Reply ↓
  13. Perilous*

    What a timely letter for me! A few days ago I was given a coat that belonged to my much beloved aunt. She died 21 years ago, and had worn the coat for many years before that.

    The back is still tacked. Can there be any doubt that it will stay that way as long as I’m alive? Can’t mess with perfection!

    Reply ↓
  15. Chairman of the Bored*

    If employees are ever on the same flights and some of them are very obviously going to first class while their colleagues sit in steerage the company should expect some complaints and pushback from the people who are not enjoying the first class amenities.

    This isn’t a reason not to do it, necessarily, but it is something to expect and have a plan for ahead of time.

    Does “bigger bodies” include people who are especially tall? I work with several people who are more than 2 meters tall but lanky. They fit in seats horizontally (but not really vertically) and I imagine they would also appreciate more space on a plane.

    Reply ↓
    1. Annika Hansen*

      I am far from tall, but I have really long legs. I doubt anyone would think I would have an issue fitting on a plane, but my knees hit the seat in front on me on many planes. I usually pay the difference to get an exit row.

      Reply ↓
      1. Chairman of the Bored*

        Yeah, it seems unfair to limit the upgrades to only “bigger bodies” or specific types of bigger bodies.

        My wife is short with short legs, to the point that on airline seats her feet dangle and do not touch the floor. After ~3 hours this leads to knee pain and considerable discomfort; the foot rests typically available in Business/First class resolve this issue.

        I would hope that her “smaller body” also merits an upgrade to a seat that better accommodates her.

        Reply ↓
      2. Frequent Flyer*

        The problem is that just about anyone could reasonably claim to have difficulty with standard seats because standard seats are inherently unsuitable for long-distance travel—anyone who has to sit in them for more than a short while is going to experience significant discomfort of one kind or another. Honestly, airplanes should be redesigned to give everyone more space (and more privacy); business class should really become the new standard.

        Reply ↓
      3. Happy meal with extra happy*

        While I think that would be a great policy, I don’t think it’s awful to have a policy focused on larger people. There is a difference between being uncomfortable in an airplane seat and physically not fitting in a seat. (For what it’s worth, I’m saying this as a fat person with a BMI above 35, but because of the way my body is shaped, I can fit in regular airplane seats, so I’m able to make do.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Chickadee*

          If people are tall enough, they physically can’t sit in the seat – I can just manage, but always opt for exit rows because otherwise it’s excruciating.

          Long distance trains tends to be full of exceptionally tall people, probably because they can’t fit on planes.

          Reply ↓
          2. Elle*

            You can manage, but you wont overspill your seat in a way that will cause other passengers to become irritated with you or treat you unkindly. That’s the difference between being tall and fat on a plane. I’m the former and my partner is the latter and this thread is kind of appalling because of the tall people acting like we somehow have equal difficulties flying. Please- I’ve never gotten harassed on a plane for being tall.

            Reply ↓
            1. Ann O'Nemity*

              What are tall passengers supposed to do with their knees when they don’t fit in front of them? Are they expected to bend their legs up to their chest for the entire flight? Or angle them awkwardly into the personal space of the person next to them? And what happens when the inevitable back pain from sitting twisted like a human pretzel becomes unbearable?

              It’s important to recognize that not everyone’s travel experience is the same. While you may feel that your situation is universal, it’s not—and for some of us, the challenges are significantly different and harder to manage.

              Reply ↓
      4. Artemesia*

        two economy seats will be cheaper than a business class seat on an international flight generally. not sure about domestic. but most people would be really POed if their overweight colleagues got the perk of first class/business class and they didn’t. two seats — no problem. Anyone required to fly internationally on business ought to get business class seats if the flight is overnight.

        Reply ↓
      5. Elle*

        This would be most people. The levels of discomfort for a tall, but straight size person in a coach seat vs a fat person in a coach seat are incredibly different. A fat person will be uncomfortable but will also encroach into their neighbors’ space, causing physical discomfort for all involved not to mention emotional discomfort when passengers invariably start throwing dirty looks around.

        Reply ↓
  16. SushiRoll*

    Related to #4, some suit jackets and also many ‘nicer’ wool overcoats (like a pea coat or similar you may buy at a department store) also will have the brand name sewed onto the sleeve on a white tag. This is ALSO meant to be removed. It is there to help you distinguish the coat brand easily while browsing coats hung on the rack (instead of having to dig into the neck area to see).

    I told a coworker once I was friendly with casually oh like hey man that label is meant to be removed after you buy it and he got a little defensive. I think he had wanted to show off the brand, so I left it at that.

    Reply ↓
  17. Blarg*

    Anyone else end up deep in the archives by clicking on links to updates to old letters, then reading the updates to other letters, then reading those original letters, and on and on and on??

    So my question is, whatever happened to AlligatorSky?? I hope she is doing well.

    Reply ↓
    3. Hlao-roo*

      I often do the same. There was a second update on the “my mother is a destructive force in my professional life” letter, posted May 24, 2018 and things seemed to be looking up for AlligatorSky at that point (new job, bank account the mom doesn’t have access to, started travelling on her own, plans to move out). Unfortunately, she posted on the “weekend free-for-all – June 9-10, 2018” that the plans to move out fell through so she was still living with her parents.

      I hope that six years on she’s managed to move out and is living a great life!

      Reply ↓
      2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

        I saw the update connected to a letter today and was just thinking we need an update. So I guess an update to the update?

        OP Controlling Mom – if you are out there, we would love to hear how you are doing.

        Reply ↓
    4. Great Frogs of Literature*

      ME TOO! I want to know how AlligatorSky is doing.

      (AlligatorSky, I doubt you’ll read this, but if you do, I hope that you’re doing well, that you’ve built an independent life for yourself with good friends and things that make you happy, and that when you stumble you can get back on your feet and keep going.)

      Reply ↓
  18. Apex Mountain*

    #2 reminded me of that old letter about the manager who was traveling overseas and needed two tickets because of weight, so she took her junior colleague’s ticket and all the cash without telling him, and he was stuck in the foreign airport

    Don’t do that :)

    Reply ↓
    1. Hlao-roo*

      I don’t think that was ever a letter with its own post, but it was posted on an open thread. The commenter was no Name from the “open thread – March 30-31, 2018” post for anyone who wants to read it. I’ll post a link in a follow-up comment.

      Strongly agree that a company policy that would prevent this situation is a good idea! (Although no Name did book tickets on an airline that was not company-approved. The company-approved airlines might have had different weight/seat policies that also would have prevented this situation.)

      Reply ↓
        1. Apex Mountain*

          Thanks for linking – that one was worse than I remember. Wonder if there was ever an update on it, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t fired after all that

          Reply ↓
      2. Observer*

        Yeah, that poster did violate a bunch of policies as well as the tenets of basic decency.

        And the worst of it is that at no point do they show any indication that they might have done something wrong. And they are apparently unwilling to make their coworker whole, at least financially. And while they said that they are “ashamed”, all they want is the no one should actually know about what they did. To the extent that they are ashamed it’s because they were found out. There is no trace of shame for all of the things they did wrong to create that fiasco.

        Reply ↓
  19. Delta Delta*

    #3 – I would work my darnedest to turn this into a Letterkenny-style “how’re ya now” loop. The coworker may not recognize what’s happening but it would be internally hilarious to me and that would combat any annoyance I may feel.

    Reply ↓
  20. Dyson*

    #3, I’m with you, my dude. I’m on the opposite end of the Interest in Interacting scale from your coworker and would not like it. One thing I have learned as I’ve gotten older is that a LOT of people interpret only asking yes/no questions as having no interest in what they have to say.

    I was raised with “If someone wants you to know something, they’ll tell you” and as I’ve progressed in life, I’ve learned that is a minority opinion, apparently. Most people are of the “If they cared, they’d ask” persuasion. So, “Did you have a good time on your vacation?” with no follow-up is often interpreted as “Wow, I guess they just have zero interest in my vacation”.

    It’s been a hard lesson to learn. It’s always felt prying or nosy to me to keep asking questions about something. But there are a lot of people who do operate this way and don’t even think twice about how it comes off.

    Reply ↓
  21. Bonkers*

    For what it’s worth, I would prefer Anna’s constant benign questions over someone asking me if I relaxed over the weekend. But that’s just because I’m in a stage of life (3 little kids) in which relaxing just never happens. I miss relaxing.

    Reply ↓
    1. londonedit*

      Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I really don’t see any of Anna’s questions as particularly intrusive or ‘too much’ or whatever! Where I work, and in my general experience of the workplace over 20+ years, those sort of little small talk questions do just punctuate the day. You arrive in the morning, someone says ‘Morning!’ and then you might have a little chat about the weather or the trains. Whenever I say I’m popping out to get some lunch, a colleague will invariably say ‘Ooh, where are you going?’ and then there will be a little discussion about whether I can be bothered to walk to M&S or whether I’ll just get a sandwich from the little Tesco near the office. And then there’s the ‘Up to anything this evening?’ and ‘Any plans for the weekend?’ and ‘Good weekend?’ questions. If you write it all out like that, yeah, you can make it sound like people are constantly grilling you about your life, but in reality they’re just brief chats.

      And the thing is, no one actually really cares deeply about the answer. ‘Any plans for the weekend?’ can very easily be answered with ‘Oh no, nothing exciting – how about you?’ And then the other person will start yapping about their plans and there you go. It’s just greasing the wheels of social interaction.

      Reply ↓
      1. Bonkers*

        I agree! And if you don’t feel like chatting, it’s not that hard to say “oh, not much” or whatever the equivalent is.

        Reply ↓
      2. Sneaky Squirrel*

        This is one where I imagine you have to be there to see it, because I felt the same way. Since it seems apparent that it’s just Anna’s way of being friendly, I’d consider letting it go out of knowledge that her questions are not causing harm, are not overly intrusive, and this seems to just be her quirk. Maybe Anna just doesn’t know how to take the conversation from surface level questions into meaningful discussion.

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    2. Moose*

      Same but mostly because I really dislike yes/no questions as small talk when not part of a larger conversation. I find them to be a bit awkward and stilted. Not to the point that I would really notice but still. I definitely prefer Anna’s style.

      Reply ↓
  22. Speak*

    For #4, the stitching, I know I was appreciative when I was told about some stitching I needed to remove by a stranger. I was wearing a kilt for the first time at a renn faire and all the pleats had a single run of thread in them about mid way down to keep the pleats together for shipping. I left it in, not knowing I had to remove it for a more free flowing kilt. After several hours of walking around, a friendly merchant who sold kilts let me know about it and was willing to remove the thread. It is now something I do whenever I get a new kilt, but it was something I never knew about before being told & it is probably something these other people also don’t know about their suit.

    Reply ↓
  23. Tradd*

    I see women with the tacking on their skirt slits all the time. It always seems to decrease mobility with the slit closed. I don’t say anything, just wonder that if it’s not uncomfortable or they don’t notice that the slit isn’t opening when they walk!

    Reply ↓
  24. Heather*

    While it is an old letter, it might be beneficial for companies to know about Southwest’s “Passenger of Size” policy. Individuals/Companies can purchase a second seat at the time of booking and reserve it following the airline’s directions. After the travel has concluded, the second seat price can be returned to the same credit card. It is best to book two seats at once. They do offer an option to go up to the counter and ask but it is not guaranteed and asking ahead reserves the second seat. It is good option for business because the employee is more comfortable, the company doesn’t actually lose the money, and the companies business can be conducted.

    Reply ↓
    1. Wide sitter*

      This policy does not apply if the plane is full. They will give away the second seat, even if you reserve it in advance.

      Reply ↓
  26. Workfromhome*

    #2 1. Absolutely not first call seats. If you are going to accommodate size then provide more room. Providing extra “perks” in terms of food, drinks, service to people based on body shape is just as discriminatory as not sending them for travel based on the additional cost based on their body shape. while it may not be right I think it would amplify resentment if someone that the person’s size may be due to choice (Im not making a generalization on if it is or isn’t simply pointing out a common perception). “hey Joe chooses to be unhealthy and he gets to sit in comfort eating steak while because I choose to eat right and exercise I get crammed into a tiny space and get to eat crackers. If a company chooses to pay the extra expense to accommodate then they will need to incur a little more extra expense o ensure fairness to the other employees by getting them 2 seats in coach.
    2. While its reasonable that if they do send someone for travel that they accommodate them I dont know that its unreasonable that they consider the cost of two equally qualified people when choosing them or that the company might look at the cost benefit of sending an individual on travel. If I need to send a sale person to close a deal in LA and I have 2 equally qualified people one lives in Arizona and the other in NYC its not unreasonable to say I’m going to send the person from Arizona because it will cost much less for travel. I think it really depends on the circumstance . If we ae talking say conferences or training yes people should have “equal opportunity”. If its purely regular work that can be done equally well by multiple people then choosing to manage costs is not in my opinion “discriminatory”

    Reply ↓
    1. Elle*

      This is a lot of words to type on a Friday just to say you really hate the idea of a fat person being comfortable. I’d examine that and maybe touch some grass.

      Reply ↓
    2. Dahlia*

      What if someone needs two seats because of a mobility aid? Would you choose to send an “equally qualified” able-bodied person instead because it costs less? Is that discriminatory?

      Reply ↓
    3. Elsewise*

      Yikes. While I get the idea that giving people first class tickets depending on their weight could cause resentment, this comment is extremely mean-spirited and demonstrates a lot of bias towards fat people. Please take this as a sign that you need to work on your mindset.

      Reply ↓
  27. Baked Alaska*

    Re #3: This might be a neurodivergence thing, or simply a matter of personal preference, but I understand in my bones why this is like having a drop of water landed on your forehead every fifteen seconds.

    I have no doubt whatsoever that it’s well-intended on the coworker’s part (although that is a LOT of questions; I get about the same amount of questions from my mother, who has Alzheimer’s), but it’s a workplace; not everyone wants to share all the details of their private life all day, every day; and I really feel like the coworker is failing to read the room. I hope OP takes Alison’s advice and just starts saying, ‘I did NOTHING’ over and over. (Doing nothing is a good thing to do; Nap Ministry approved.)

    Reply ↓
  28. The Ginger Ginger*

    The business travel for folks who need two seats question I think is REALLY clear when, instead of thinking of it as the employer having to pay extra for some people, consider that essentially you would be CHARGING people of a certain body weight to travel for your company. Hopefully any good employer must realize that you just can’t require travel of your employees then also make only some of them pay out of pocket to do it.

    Reply ↓
  29. Frosty*

    LW#3 I find interesting

    I have a dear friend of 2 decades that is kind of like Anna. I love him to pieces but he does have a habit of texting me at least once daily (if not multiple) and it’s the same kind of specific-yet-bland questions of “how was your night?” “how was work” “what are you up to this weekend” etc.

    I’d rather they were more specific or interesting questions that relate to our actual friendship! They bristle me a bit, but I let it go because of our long-standing high-quality relationship. If a random co-worker was asking me these same frequent questions, I’d lose my GD mind!!

    I totally get LW#3 – I think it’s definitely a mismatch in communication styles and maybe some spectrum stuff. Sending vibes of patience!

    Reply ↓
  30. Bruce*

    For LW2: On one flight the person sitting next to me required the arm rest lifted so they could take up part of my space, they also used a seat belt extender. It was awkward and uncomfortable to be pressed up against a stranger the whole time, but we were both civil people and made the best of it. So please do find a way to pay for the extra seat if an employee needs it, otherwise they may have a very uncomfortable flight and may have to share with someone who is going to be rude about it…

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