coworker’s husband punched me after the Christmas party, can I wear burlesque makeup to my office party, and more

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Coworker’s husband punched me after the Christmas party

I was recently at an office Christmas party and our spouses were included. There was drinking. Everyone had a very nice time. On the way home in a bus rented by our employer, my coworker’s husband began to fight with her in the back of the bus. It continued to escalate. Suddenly her husband verbally assaulted my husband. He stood up, as did my husband, and pushed his finger into my husband’s chest, yelling profanities. I stepped in to try to mediate, and my coworker’s husband throat punched me (weakly but enough so that it caused me to trip sideways, although I did not get injured). He yelled obscenities at me twice to get out of the way and to shut up while my coworker friend was in tears and apologizing. Our employer and two other men had to physically force the man to the front of the bus to contain the situation.

I am embarrassed and I am so very sorry for my dear coworker, who I know feels humiliated. How am I to go to work on Monday?

You have literally nothing to be embarrassed about! Your coworker’s husband assaulted you, and with zero provocation. The only thing you need to worry about is whether your coworker/friend is okay, because her husband is scary.

She’s undoubtedly mortified and wondering how she is going to be able to go to work on Monday, even though she didn’t do anything wrong either. Neither of you did. Her husband is the only person to blame for what happened.

Go to work as normal, and ask how she’s doing. Tell her you don’t blame her and your main concern is if she’s okay. (If you’re close enough, and especially if she doesn’t seem surprised by her husband’s rage, consider asking if she feels safe at home. There’s info here that might be helpful.)

People will probably ask how you’re doing as well, and you can answer that however you want — “shaken up,” “recovering,” “hanging in,” “mainly worried about how Jane’s doing,” or whatever you’re comfortable with.

– 2019

2. Can I wear burlesque hair and makeup to my office party?

So I have a glittery quandary. I’m an amateur burlesque dancer. We do shows a few times a year, and each show usually comes with a professional photoshoot for promotional purposes. I also have a full-time, serious professional job that is not soaked in glitter.

This year, the day of our photoshoot is the same day as our company’s annual Christmas party. Because of scheduling, I’m the last one in the afternoon, and I won’t have much time between shoot and party. People do dress up for these parties, and they’re actually a lot of fun, with a live band, open bar, draw prizes, secret Santa, and a meal. The photoshoot, meanwhile, is 1970s themed. My hair is going to be giant, and my makeup is basically as if a disco ball sneezed on my face. Not to mention the lashes and general glitter (which often ends up being craft glitter stuck all over your body with hairspray). In life, I don’t generally wear a lot of makeup or do much of anything with my hair, so it’s a big departure. (I’m actually having both professionally done for the shoot. Prior to getting into burlesque I didn’t own a hairbrush, so that’s the level we’re dealing with here.)

Is it going to be weird if I show up to the party full disco realness? The alternative is a hurried shower between the two to tame my hair, and showing up with wet hair and my usual minimal makeup. If I don’t take off the makeup and hair … should I dress down to tone it down? Or lean into the 70s harder? It’s not a secret at all that I do burlesque, but I don’t usually parade it around the office!

Is there any possibility of getting your photoshoot moved earlier in the day if you explain the situation? It sounds like other people have earlier slots, and if you can trade with someone, that might be your best bet here.

But if that’s not an option … Well, it depends on your office. Is your office one where showing up with giant hair and glitter would seem inappropriate/out of place/tone-deaf? If it’s a pretty uptight crowd and people are likely to frown on this — or even if it’s just likely to get you marked as the Kooky One in a way that you don’t want/could harm your reputation — I’d go with the hurried shower in between. But if your office is pretty relaxed and people won’t care — or would even get a kick out of it — then hell, it’s a party and you can go for it. But it’s very much a “know your office” situation.

– 2018

3. My boss wants to play Cards Against Humanity at a work party

I work at a modest size nonprofit (about 50 employees). We’re supposed to be having an employee gathering after hours, to boost morale, build connections, and all of that sort of thing.

Fine, okay, and sure, it’s probably something that we could use. The problem is that our executive director just RSVPed that she’s going to bring Cards Against Humanity, Draw What?! and Drunk Stoned or Stupid as party games.

Am I crazy for thinking these would be hugely inappropriate? It seems obvious to me that nobody would be comfortable playing these games with their bosses and coworkers, but maybe I’m just projecting. If I’m not crazy, how would you mention to your boss that you’re pretty sure people are going to be uncomfortable and lose respect for her professional judgement if she does try to get folks to play these at a work event?

Yeah, all three of these are incredibly inappropriate for work. I only know Cards Against Humanity, but I looked up the other two (and have added links to explanations of all of them for readers) and wow no. Cards Against Humanity is notoriously inappropriate for work (it’s basically X-rated — filled with cards about sex, race, religion, child abuse, and more), and Draw What?! sounds highly sexualized and Drunk Stoned or Stupid sounds incredibly mean and ill-advised.

Your manager has truly terrible judgment. Is this the first sign of that or have there been others? I’m betting there have been others.

I’d write back, “I’d be really uncomfortable playing any of these games with coworkers, and I think a lot of people would feel the same. Plus, there’s actual legal liability with some of these in a work context, given some of the cards in Cards Against Humanity about sex and religion. Can we skip these?” If you don’t feel comfortable saying that to her directly, go to whoever has her ear and will be willing to say it (the org’s second-in-command or so forth).

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

4. Can I ask for my old desk back?

A year ago, I took a temporary role at another location in my company (same city.) It was always known that this role was temporary. While it was likely that I would return to my original role, that was never a guarantee.

When I started at the company, they were going through a big ergonomics push and they were encouraging new employees to complete a health screening that would then allow us to order supportive office chairs, better keyboards, etc. I did it for the chair, but they also allowed (and encouraged me to get) a sit/stand desk. This is just a small extra desk that fits inside the cubicles and can hold two monitors and not much else.

When I changed jobs, I was able to take my chair but not my desk because the place I was going to had a fancy new open floor plan where all of the desks were fully sit/stand. Eventually someone else took over my old cubicle as well as my sit/stand desk.

Now I’m going back to that job and I really want my desk back (it’s simple enough to move the desk from cube to cube.) I currently spend over half my day standing and I have terrible posture when sitting, so standing really helps my neck (which has issues due to a previous surgery.) It only helps because of the posture thing, so I don’t think this raises to the level of ADA accommodation. However, I feel kind of petty for asking, mainly because almost no one in that group has sit/stand desks. Soon after I got mine, they stopped allowing ergonomic furniture orders. Apparently, I just got really lucky with my timing of when I was hired.

My current thought is to simply ask the other employee if I can have my desk back, but not to push the issue if she says no. I’m also worried that even asking might make me sound petty, because she never had an option to order one. What’s the best way to approach this without coming across as whiny? I’m not always the best at avoiding social land mines.

Unfortunately, I think it’s probably hers now and you don’t really have dibs on it, just like you wouldn’t if she had inherited your old office space or your old keyboard. It moved on when you moved on.

The most you could really do is to ask her — with genuine curiosity, not in a tone of possessiveness — how she’s liking it. If she responds with enthusiasm about it, you definitely need to back off at that point. But if she says she doesn’t really care for it or doesn’t use it that much, at that point you could say something like, “If you really don’t like it, I’d love to take it back and use it again.”

– 2018

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{ 52 comments }

{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Workaholic*

    #4: It sucks when companies give out ergonomic stuff to be nice, then later stop doing so then won’t replace it if something happens. My employer asked ME if I wanted an economic keyboard. since I had carpal tunnel I said sure. Got used to using it. Years later all the letters and numbers wore off – but they no longer give out ergonomic keyboards without a doctors note. I also missed out on the “WFH / sure you can take a standing desk home from the office” period. Now that I want one it’s also a Dr note scenario.
    Luckily I keep finding like new ergonomic keyboards at yard sales so didn’t have to try pushing back. But going from ergonomic keyboard to standard for one day in the office my productivity went down 50% (felt like).

    Reply ↓
    1. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

      I recently discovered that Microsoft stopped making my beloved ergonomic keyboard. Don’t know what I’m going to do when my current one (the 3rd or 4th of this model that I’ve owned) eventually dies.

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      1. nnn*

        Stock up on ebay. Now, before supply runs low and prices are driven up!

        (Source: hoarded a lifetime supply of my beloved ergonomic mouse when it was discontinued a few years back. Now, when you can find one on ebay, it’s like 6x the original retail price)

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        1. Jill Swinburne*

          We managed to eke out a printer that was made in 1995 thanks to NOS toner cartridges from ebay. We only replaced it last year.

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      2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

        Yeah, I’m not impressed with them stopping that either. Bonus thing is it stops others from pinching my desk.

        I’ve got a rather large mechanical keyboard at home that is great for my hands since they don’t actually require more force than a membrane one and the tactile feedback is beneficial. However those are generally not suitable for work because they tend to be LOUD.

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        1. File Herder*

          Seconding the !”£$%ing Microsoft, and the bonus discouragement of people using my desk (and messing with the settings on my customised orthopaedic chair). I’ve used a Natural 400 keyboard for twenty years and do not wish to relearn muscle memory for a different brand. One hope is that InCase bought the design rights for the mice and keyboards and are planning to make the range again under their own branding with Microsoft’s blessing, but the timeline was for it to start this year and there’s not a lot of year left.

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    2. nnn*

      And the other problem with asking for a doctor’s note after not doing it previously is you might not have any sort of medical diagnosis or otherwise might never have discussed it with your doctor because you were doing fine with the ergonomic equipment provided!

      So if you don’t have a doctor who will play the game, you have to develop a repetitive strain injury before you can get the equipment you need to avoid developing a repetitive strain injury!

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    3. Learn ALL the things*

      I don’t know how universal this is with doctors, but when I asked mine for a doctor’s note for a standing desk, she told me she’ll write a standing desk note for any patient who asks. Back and neck problems are extremely common and it’s easier to prevent them than to treat them after the fact, so she’ll write a letter for a standing desk even if someone doesn’t have an injury yet. If your doctor’s office has an online portal where it’s relatively easy to send a message and get a response back, it doesn’t hurt to ask.

      Reply ↓
  2. nnn*

    There’s a business opportunity for Cards Against Humanity to put out a clean adult version (“adult” in the “rated PG but preteens won’t get the humour” sense of the word) that people can play with co-workers or multi-generational family.

    There’s already enough material for a very entertaining game that is also work-safe. It’s just that there are also an inconvenient number of cards that are, for lack of a better word, gross. But the game’s mechanism and humour still work perfectly well without them – you’ve got all kind of random phrases and pop culture references that pair together in surprising and entertaining ways. I’m sure there’s a market for people who want to enjoy that without being set up for rape jokes or gross bodily fluid references.

    Reply ↓
    1. NCA*

      I could see a fun/silly card game with office type tropes, maybe even specific to different departments. I’m in end user support IT, so for example my team would enjoy stuff about printers and servers being The Worst, Microsoft asking for a million logs to fix issues, and internal end users who need their issue fixed yesterday but aren’t available to troubleshoot!

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      2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

        Wonder if there’s a game about making up acronyms. We already have PICNIC (problem in chair not in computer) but could have a field day with coming up with more..

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      3. Heirloom Tomato Heiress*

        A small ag focused nonprofit I used to work had made a version of it they called Cards Against Agrarianship to use as a way to get folks to walk up to a table at things like a farmers market. As I recall, it was pretty entertaining in that context. I think it’s still out there if you google it.

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      4. curly sue*

        There was an online version available for a while that allowed you to create your own decks. A couple of friends of mine created a Jane Austen-inspired version that was an absolute riot, and very PG-rated. We used to play quite a bit.

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    2. Certaintroublemaker*

      I’ve played CAH plenty of times with friends and loved it. Discovered at a work party that there is a game from Mattel called Apples to Apples that works the same way but is family friendly. Loved it, too!

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      1. Snow Globe*

        +1 for Apples to Apples – same rules as Cards Against Humanity, but you can play it with kids or your grandma.

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      3. WeirdChemist*

        Looooved apples to apples as a kid/teen! I was kinda miffed when CAH came out when I was in college because it basically ripped off my family’s favorite game lol

        They make a “family version” of CAH, but tbh it does kinda have weird vibes. It swings wildly from too childish (ie “ugh my little brother is so annoying”) to too adult but in childish language (ie “daddy drinks his special juice and then falls over”), plus a LOT of bathroom humor (which is I guess back to too childish). Whereas apples to apples is genuinely SFW while still being fun for adults. I can’t believe I’m using the phrase “good clean fun” unironically, but here we are I guess…

        Reply ↓
      4. Margaret Cavendish*

        Another vote for Apples to Apples!

        I find CAH gets boring really quickly – in addition to being wildly inappropriate for the office, that is. It doesn’t take long to go from funny to repetitive – after a round or two, it’s really just about who can get the most offensive rather than the most clever, and then it’s just gross.

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      7. Proofin' Amy*

        There’s also a picture-based game in a similar vein called DIXIT, where one person has to come up with a phrase that describes a surreal picture in their hand, and then everyone else has to put down their own picture that they think best describes that phrase, and then everyone has to guess which one was the original picture. It’s really lovely.

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    3. Loan*

      There is a “Family Edition” that was released in 2020. I assumed this was the version the boss meant at first, until I googled the other games !

      Reply ↓
    5. Audrey Puffins*

      There is a family version that doesn’t have the filth but still has the same chaotic energy. Alternatively I have played the standard version with an agreed rule that if we pull out anything particularly distasteful then we can immediately discard it and draw another card, though obviously that only works if everyone’s similarly minded and I wouldn’t risk it in the workplace.

      Reply ↓
    6. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      I’d suggest the old IT department standby – LAN party! So many fond memories of Unreal Tournament or even DOOM which’ll run on anything with a microchip these days.

      We did try Quiplash one year but despite the questions being SFW the answers were…shall we say not.

      Reply ↓
    9. Sneaky Squirrel*

      There’s already Apples to Apples, which is what Cards Against Humanity is based on (I believe). There are also a lot of other cards against humanity-esque style games out there now probably of varying level of appropriateness.

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    10. Buni*

      We play CAH with a group that’s mostly adults but occasionally contains one or two 14-15yr olds. We just go through the pack first and take out any objectionable cards – it’s always fewer than I think it’s going to be.

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      1. Good Enough For Government Work*

        Even with my friends, all of us in our thirties, we always take out one card (‘The Hillsborough Massacre’). While we have extremely warped senses of humour at times, we could find no way to EVER make that funny.

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    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Add references to current jargon and business trends, and I’ll propose the name “Cards Against Corporations.”

      Reply ↓
    13. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      We were gifted the mega set of CAH ages ago and a few years ago I took out all the gross (sexist, racist, abusive, etc.) cards and tossed them. Then I separated out the cards that were fine but had profanity and used the blanks to rewrite them without profanity. That way, I had a family friendly version for different friends and family and two versions that weren’t mocking horrific historical events and trauma.

      Long before CAH came out, friends and I would play Apples to Apples/Nutsy Bolts and had a lot of fun so it’s definitely possible to play the game without resorting to punching down. I don’t know why my sibling was so proud the day they felt his teenager daughter was old enough to play CAH uncensored.

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    14. Azure Jane Lunatic*

      I might even hesitate to play Apples to Apples with a work crowd; it’s technically all-ages, but you can make some surprisingly edgy combinations.

      I’ve curated my Cards Against Humanity deck pretty well (house rules: you can exchange any card if you don’t know what it means or it isn’t funny; cards that don’t deserve to be played at all go in a special pile that won’t be played that session and are either trashed or given a strike; three strikes are trashed or otherwise removed from the main deck) but I would have to do a LOT of deck-separation in order to be comfortable taking it to work.

      Reply ↓
  3. WoodswomanWrites*

    #1, it’s questions like these where I most want an update.

    I’m sorry to hear that the letter writer was assaulted and also appreciate that they cared about the co-worker’s well-being. While we will probably will never know, I’m hoping that five years after this letter was written, the co-worker married to such a dangerous man has found her way out of there and is safe, happy, and thriving in all ways.

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    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Yes, definitely wanted an update on that one. I was worried about that coworker and definitely hope this was just a one-off on the part of her husband.

      Reply ↓
      1. Jackalope*

        Given how quickly he moved to violence and the fact that he was willing to assault strangers (to him) on the bus in public, I’m guessing not, unfortunately.

        Reply ↓
        1. DJ Abbott*

          I agree. He sounds like a man who gets into fights easily. That thing of pushing the OP‘s husband’s chest is something people do to start fights, IME. Generally, initiating physical contact while angry and yelling is an indicator they want a physical fight.

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    3. Observer*

      Yes, I was hoping that there would be an update – vague because of safety, but positive in that the CW got away from the violent drunk.

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    4. Throwaway Account*

      This is a situation where the police should have been called even while still on the bus. The employer should at least have removed the man from the bus and called a taxi or whatever for him.

      Please consider calling the police in a situation like this. It may be what helps a coworker get out of an abusive relationship.

      Reply ↓
    1. Margaret Cavendish*

      It’s Alison’s Special Holiday Numbering Scheme!

      There’s a link just above the comment box to report things like that if it’s important to you – it’s usually faster than posting on the thread.

      Reply ↓
    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Just above the box where you entered this comment is a link to a form where you can report ads, technical issues, or typos. That will get a typo fixed faster than leaving a comment here.

      I do wish that link were larger or had a box around it or something to highlight it because a lot of people seem to miss it.

      Reply ↓
  5. Generic Name*

    Burlesque hair: I’m very curious about what this LW decided to do. I get the feeling that she was really hoping Alison would say, “It will be totally fine to show up at your work party with huge hair and a glitter bomb face. Folks will either not notice or it will be an interesting topic of conversation”. I also think it’s interesting that in her mind the only two options were “burlesque look” or wet hair. I would have suggested that the LW take the time to dry their hair and show up 30 mins late to the party or else put their hair in a braid or bun if they weren’t able to get an earlier time slot.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was thinking along your lines too… Wipe the gaudiest bits of makeup off to tone it down, leave the hair, and switch to a dress that channels “Santa’s elf” instead of siren,

      Reply ↓
    2. Jenesis*

      That was my thought as well – would it be terribly unprofessional to say “I have an irreconcilable scheduling conflict so the earliest I can arrive to the party is 30 minutes late”? I assume the party is off-site and not during normal business hours so it’s not a reasonable expectation that she must prioritize it (or request PTO) the same way a work shift would be.

      Reply ↓
  6. Anon for this one*

    While my doctor would have been willing to submit ADA paperwork, I don’t want to go through all that trouble. This isn’t a option for everyone, but I ended up buying my first Varidesk because work was not approving standing desks for anyone. That changed a few years later, so I took my original unit home. They also purchased Varidesk standing mats, but I prefer the Topo mat, so I bought one for work and one for home. I love my Kinesis keyboard, so I asked if they would purchase one for the office and they agreed. They also agreed to Varichairs for everyone who wanted one. I bought my own for home after deciding I liked it enough to purchase. I covered both OM vertical mice, but they would have probably paid for the office one if I’d asked. Basically, I’ve piecemealed my preferred setup and mirrored my work and home offices, with me paying for everything in my home office and some of what I have at work. It’s been worth it to me to be comfortable, and everything’s been acquired over time, so the largest outlay I’ve had in a single year was around $300. The biggest issue is that I’m comfortable working for hours at a time in either location.

    Reply ↓

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