weekend open thread – January 18-19, 2025

by Alison Green on January 17, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Rental House, by Weike Wang. After the daughter of Chinese immigrants and the son of a white, working class family marry, they grapple with their relationship with each other and both sets of parents over the course of a summer vacation. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

    1. Valancy Stirling*

      I’m reading A Love Song For Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams. It’s an absolutely delightful romance about fitting in, romanticizing life, and accepting the things that make you you.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Recently finished “Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone” and loved it. The blurb compared it to Knives Out and I think that’s pretty accurate, the kind of witty, sarcastic, clever-dumb humor mixed with a murder mystery.

      Now I’m listening to “Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes” on audio. I feel like it’s objectively not great but it’s hitting the exact reading experience I wanted so I’m really enjoying it.

      1. CityMouse*

        I liked the sequel Everyone on this Train is a Suspect, even more. I knoenthere was a Christmas novella that I haven’t read yet (I noticed a couple Christmas mystery novellas this year).

        1. GoryDetails*

          I’ve enjoyed Stevenson’s books – well, “Everyone in My Family” and the Christmas “Everyone This Christmas Has a Secret”. Haven’t read the train one yet but it’s on my list.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m part way through Carrie Fisher’s *Postcards from the Edge*, a fictionalized recovery memoir. I like it. While I fortunately do not have any addiction to drugs or alcohol, I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, and Fisher’s depiction of the lies addicts (to anything) tell themselves is spot on.

      I’m also part way through Betty MacDonald’s very funny *Onions in the Stew*, which details her life moving to and living on Vashon Island off the Washington State coast near Seattle and Tacoma in the early 1940s. So far, none of her vile racism towards the local indigenous population has appeared, but we’ll see how the rest of it goes. She is friendly with a local Japanese couple, but seems shockingly unbothered when they get sent to an internment camp.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        How did I never know Betty MacDonald lived in Washington? I just read her Wikipedia page and I lived in the same neighborhood as her for awhile.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Oh, cool! There’s a lot of Seattle stuff in her *Anybody Can Do Anything* memoir about trying out a series of jobs in the early 1930s.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Yeah, that book has the worst of it, unfortunately. It’s weird because in *The Plague and I*, which narrates the chronicles of a few years later when she’s in a tuberculosis sanatorium for a year, she seems quite open to being friendly with her Japanese and Black fellow patients and seems critical of those who are racist towards them, and her family was open to and friendly with gay people and Jews as well. But she has a really problematic attitude towards indigenous people where she judges them as a group in a way she doesn’t seem to do with other groups.

          Aside from that, *The Egg and I* is quite funny, as are all her books, and it should be required reading for anyone who plans on “going back to the land” — it sets out the difficulties of setting up your own farm in great detail.

      3. Seashell*

        I enjoyed Postcards from the Edge, and the movie is worth a watch too, if you haven’t seen it. Carrie Fisher’s actually autobiographical Wishful Drinking (and its accompanying one-woman show) were good too.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I definitely want to see the movie now, and I will check out *Wishful Drinking* as well!

      4. Heffalump*

        My first exposure to Betty MacDonald was when my kindergarten teacher read us some of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle stories. At that time, I concentrated on the stories and didn’t give any thought to who the author might be. One story that stuck with me: the girl who didn’t like bathing, so one night her parents pressed vegetable seeds into the dirt on her skin as she slept. When she became a walking vegetable garden, she saw that there was something to be said for taking baths.

        I moved to Seattle in 1981 and finally read “The Egg and I” and “Onions in the Stew” around the turn of the 1990s.

        Some years ago, Paula Becker published a biography of Betty MacDonald, “Looking for Betty MacDonald,” which I highly recommend. I went to hear her talk about it at the Seattle Public Library. One man in the audience said he was a nephew of Betty MacDonald and one of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle stories was based on a specific childhood behavior of his. If I’d been faster on my feet, I would have asked which story it was.

        Ms. MacDonald actually wrote the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle books before “The Egg and I,” and publishers turned them down. Once she had the success of “The Egg and I” under her belt, it was another matter.

        Ms. MacDonald had a Japanese-American roommate, Monica Sone, at the sanitorium. Ms. Sone later went on to write “Nisei Daughter.”

        https://www.humanities.org/spark/looking-betty-macdonald/

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Oh, thank you for all of the info! I’d heard of *Nisei Daughter* but had no idea that was Betty MacDonald’s roomie who wrote it. And I will be sure to check out that biography.

          “The Radish Cure” (I think it’s called) is one of my favorite Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle stories too! I loved those when I was a kid, and I was re-reading them now, and they are still very enjoyable (and funny in ways I didn’t pick up on when I was younger).

          I noticed that the story about the sisters who constantly fight has them named Anne and Joan, after MacDonald’s two daughters, so I have to assume that the behavior detailed is theirs (which tracks with some anecdotes from *The Plague and I* and *Anybody Can Do Anything.*

          1. Heffalump*

            In the 1980s the Seattle Times interviewed one of Betty MacDonald’s daughters–Joan, IIRC. She said, “I have every letter my mother ever wrote me, and they could be published. They were hysterically funny.”

            One of her daughters said that when she was a single mother during the Depression, she was never self=pitying.

            Her house on Vashon Island was a B&B, but I’m not sure if it still is. The weblink for the B&B is dead.

            “The Egg and I” is set in Chimacum, which she calls “Town” in the book. The road on which the property is located is now Egg and I Road.

            As a matter of interest (at least to me), Maw Kettle was originally from Estonia. This was during Estonia’s first period of independence between the wars.

            If you read the bio, let us know how you liked it.

          2. Heffalump*

            Speaking of picking up on things as an adult, the wonderful thing about Beverly Cleary’s Ramona Quimby books is they work on both a child’s and an adult’s level.

            1. allathian*

              The same thing is true of Tove Jansson’s Moomin books. I first heard them as bedtime stories when I was 10. I grew up bilingual and our dad who’s Swedish-speaking read them to me and my sister in the original Swedish. He was a fairly hands-off dad, as dads of his generation (early Boomer) typically were, so I cherish those Moomin books because they brought some rare moments of bonding with my dad.

              I was a pretty advanced reader but those were a bit beyond me at the time. I read them for the first time in my late teens, and since then I’ve read them about once a decade. Every time I read them they hit a bit differently thanks to life experience.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Finished Circe by Madeline Miller, a retelling of the Greek myth, which was very good; I especially liked what the author did with Penelope. Reading this I thought a lot about Pandora’s Jar by Natalie Haynes, about the depiction of women in ancient Greek myth. (Specifically that there are many versions of these stories, and that the versions in your high school Penguin Classics translation probably were the most “women should sit on the sidelines” of all the options available.)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        How interesting that last fact is! I hadn’t thought about it, but it makes a lot of sense.

      2. Lilian Field*

        This is a great novel, and, as an English professor, I can say that The Youths often love it. It could be a pretty good gift/readalong for a college-aged student.

      3. Second Best Time to Plant a Tree*

        I’m currently reading Pat Barker’s “The Women of Troy” which is excellent and thematically very close. Follow up to “The Silence of the Girls”, this is from the point of view of women who have been taken captive by the Greeks and awarded as “prizes”. Pat Barker is a fantastic writer, her First World War trilogy (Regeneration, The Eye in the Door, The Ghost Road) is also stellar.
        I have Circe on my to-read pile, not sure why I haven’t got around to it yet – I must bump it up.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Also, I just realized that when people would recommend Dorothy Sayer, I was confusing her with Elizabeth Peters. And I tried Peters’s first book years and years ago and didn’t finish it because of the racism towards Egyptian people. So, anyway, I’m going try Dorothy Sayer. All I could find at the library was the BBC dramatizations. Will start with that.

        1. Weekend Warrior*

          The Sayers novels are excellently written but many are shot through with snobby “genteel” antisemitism, typical of inter-war Britain (and elsewhere). The first one, Whose Body?, is particularly bad. She later has at least one upper class character marry a Jewish character but still traffics in stereotypes. The BBC dramatizations no doubt soften all this. I’ve seen them but don’t really remember. I loved Gaudy Night as a young woman but recently decided to reread all the novels and noticed what I’d skimmed over as a younger reader. Blechh!

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Interesting. I tried *Gaudy Night* and the one with the bells, and didn’t get swept up in them. Maybe that’s part of why? The flood scene in the bells one was great, though!

            1. CityMouse*

              Whose Body and Unnatural Death are particularly bad about this. It’s definitely jarring when you come across it. Agatha Christie’s novels have been edited in recent editions to remove some of the references. Sayers they could probably do for some of her books, but the two I mentioned above the antisemitism and homophobia are somewhat central to the plots.

              It’s definitely something hard to grapple with because unlike some content like Huckleberry Finn, Sayers isn’t engaging in criticism of those attitudes. I read those books initially when I was pretty young and I forgot about how bad some of it gets. Yes, she was of her time, but it doesn’t make it less jarring.

              1. allathian*

                Yeah, I haven’t read Sayers but at least the racism in Christie’s books mainly shows in throwaway lines that could be edited out without affecting the main story. The most egregious example was modified early, And Then There Were None was originally published as Ten Little Indians in the US, and Ten Little n-words in the UK. I have a first edition UK paperback, and the rhyme is jarring to read.

                The casual sexism is another matter, although even there the most egregious examples could probably be edited a bit. Poirot is particularly bad about this with the assumptions of what women can and can’t do, because he states things so categorically instead of talking about probabilities.

                The classism is probably impossible to edit out because several stories depend on the assumption that people don’t see servants as people, they only see the uniform, and dressing as a servant/train conductor/airline steward lets you get away with murder.

        2. Weaponized Pumpkin*

          At some point I’d read a later Peters and thought it was decent, so I picked up an audiobook of the first one for a road trip and hated it so much. (Not just the racism, it was just boring and slow too.) On paper it ticks a lot of boxes for me but nope.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        I just reread the first few Falco novels and then got distracted by other books, maybe I’ll try to keep them going…

    7. chocolate muffins*

      Stamped from the Beginning by Ibram Kendi. I learned some things (like that Roger Taney, who wrote the Dred Scott Supreme Court opinion, also freed everyone he had enslaved – definitely did not know that!) but didn’t really follow the thread connecting the five people he was highlighting. Some of the historical facts were interesting but the anlysis did not seem particularly deep or novel, to me.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I really enjoyed his *How to Be an Anti-Racist* — it’s a philosophy interwoven with a memoir that covers related moments in his own development as a thinker.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        That was kind of how I felt about How to Be an Anti-Racist (interesting but not novel). I think his books get promoted as kind of “beginner social justice” reading but if you already read that genre a lot or think about these topics in depth he has less of an impact.

    9. HannahS*

      I’m slowly picking my way through The Collected Schizophrenias by Esme Weijun Wang. It’s a combination of memoir about her experience of schizoaffective disorder and discussion about psychosis and psychiatry. I think it’s good, but there’s something about the writing style that’s not to my taste. I can’t really put my finger on it. I’m still going to finish it, though.

      I tend to read cookbooks before bed to help me relax and fall asleep. I just finished Classic German Cooking by Luisa Weiss and enjoyed it, though I won’t be cooking from it (the recipes were pretty much either deeply unkosher or desserts lol)

      My go-to comfort read is the Innkeeper Series by Ilona Andrews. I’ve read their other works and find them a bit dark/gory for my taste. Since my life is tending towards hard/sad these days, I’m looking for more comforting things. Does anyone have a recommendation for something similar to the Innkeeper series?

      1. RedinSC*

        you might enjoy Molly Harper’s books? the halfmoon hollow stories are about a vampire and her community in Kentucky. and then she has the Mystic Bayou stories. they’re fantasy not Sci-fi but I enjoy them.

      2. PhyllisB*

        I love to read cookbooks, too. My most recent read was Betty Crocker’s Found Recipes. I liked it, but has a couple of glaring mistakes. The main one was the recipe for Black Forest cake (in this book) called for a yellow cake mix but Black Forest cake is chocolate. And the photo is showed was a chocolate. Anyone used to reading recipes and cooking would know this, but a new cook will be very confused. I don’t know how this got by the editors. I’ve considered writing to the publisher so they can correct subsequent editions.
        The other thing I was disappointed about was the recipes were mostly from the 80s and 90’s. I know for most of you that is old recipes, but I was hoping for some from 50s or 60s. Maybe even the 40s. True we aren’t growing victory gardens and worrying about sugar rations but I still think it would have been interesting to have a few of those included.

          1. PhyllisB*

            I think I will!! I would have to go back to check the other mistake, but I think it was a reference to a recipe that wasn’t in there.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Try Baking Yesteryear by Dylan Hollis. He bakes found recipes from all parts of the early 20th century.

        3. HannahS*

          Hm, that does sound disappointing! One of my favourite cookbooks is Bravetart by Stella Parks. It’s a history of American desserts, with long interesting essays and really great recipes. I recommend it!

    10. Charlotte Lucas*

      Just finished Death in Ecstasy by Ngaio Marsh. The mystery was good, but I found the portrayal of the two gay characters problematic (it was written during the 1930s).

      Now I’m working through some collections of short mysteries. “Death at the Sundial Motel” shattered me in the modern collection +really good, but so sad), so I’ve moved to a collection of older English mysteries.

    11. Rara Avis*

      Learned by Heart by Emma Donoghue. Well -written and based on a real lesbian couple who met at school in 1805. But like her Room, not a comforting read.

      Virals by Kathy Reichs. Fun YA by the author of the Temperance Brennan mysteries.

      The Antique Hunter’sGuide to Murder by C.L. Miller, daughter of well-known writer of antique guides. Interesting but the writing is only so-so.

      Next is Red, White, and Whole, a middle-grade novel in poetry about an Indian-American 12 year old coping with puberty and her mother’s leukemia diagnosis. I’m not a fan of novels told in poems, but we just heard the author talk, and it’s set in 1983, and she mentioned fashion, Cyndi Lauper, and Star Wars — I was 12 in 2983, so I figured I needed to read it.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Just bought The City and its Uncertain Walls by Murakami, and Witchcraft for Wayward Girls, Grady Hendrix’s latest. Which I should not have done because I have a giant pile of unread books already.

      1. hummingbird*

        I started Murakami’s but had to return it and then Grady’s was ready for me so reading that now.
        (Well, shoot. I didn’t need to return it lol it was automatically renewed, not due. Now, which do I read next??)

    13. Double A*

      I just finished “The Saint of Bright Doors” by Vajra Chandrasekera. May be one of the best books I’ve ever read. I would call it mythological fantasy. Beautifully written and intriguing ideas. I’m not even sure else how to explain it. Some might call it magical realism, except it’s not set in our world. And yet if you go into it with the fantasy genre in mind, you’ll be confused.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Agree that this one is hard to describe! It’s fantasy if you define fantasy as writing about a world none of us have actually lived in with things happening that can’t happen in this world, but there’s so much here with the development of the religious beliefs and what they mean. The power struggles between belief systems make it a political novel too.
        I might even describe it as a book about troubled family relationships, but wrapped up in the political power struggles of competing religious systems. It also involves an immigrant adapting to new things, a gay or bisexual man in a place where that’s against the religious laws, caste systems, bureaucracy…. It’s a lot! I think I read it because of a recommendation here. I ran across a Reddit review that referred to it as weird but cool and I think that’s a pretty good description.

    14. Percy Weasley*

      Just finished Iona Iverson’s Rules For Commuting by Clare Pooley which was delightful. Also re-read Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld – so good!

    15. The Dude Abides*

      Ovid’s Metamorphoses.

      Found it in a cute bookstore on vacation, and reading it has made me realize two things – how much I’ve forgotten about Greco-Roman myth (I’m embarrassed at the number of references I have to look up), and how much I miss reading for pleasure

      We read nightly with our 5yo (currently working through the Junie B Jones box set), but I’ve finally gotten the kick up the backside to read again. Once I finish it, I’m gonna dig up some mythical texts I haven’t read in years (Eddas, Popul Vuh, etc).

    16. English Rose*

      Just finished Richard Osman’s latest, We Solve Murders. I wasn’t sure what to expect as this is part of a new series with new characters and I’ve so loved his Thursday Murder Club series.
      But these new characters are great, funny with underlying vulnerabilities which make them real. Found the final villain reveal a bit disappointing but an enjoyable read by a witty and imaginative writer.

      1. RC*

        Same on the reveal. The way that character was initially described I wanted them to not be the big bad, and their motivation was pretty unsatisfying. But overall I enjoyed it.

    17. Inky Fingers*

      Yesterday finished Josh Brolin’s _From Under the Bus_, a slender memoir in a uniquely structured essay form. He may be known as a good actor but, damn, he is a stunningly poetic writer! There were pieces that literally caused me exclaim aloud, others so sharply, starkly honest I had to put the book down until the next day.

    18. Evvy*

      Finally picked up Guards! Guards! (Terry Pratchett’s Discworld) and it’s SO great and funny so far. I kept seeing things on the internet about how it’s a great place to start with Discworld and one of the best books. I started with Mort and Going Postal, back in high school, but it had been a long time since I read any of his stuff and I wanted to get back into it!

      Kairo-ko by Natsume Soseki, said to be one of (the only?) well-known Japanese adaptations of Arthurian legend. It’s about Lancelot, Guinevere, and Elaine of Astolat (love triangle!)

        1. Evvy*

          I found it hard to track down as it’s out of print and not super common secondhand! But there are ways to read it online, mostly by amateur scanners trying to preserve Arthurian lit. (This is the one time I’ll read pdfs of books — if the book/story is out of print, hard to find secondhand, and no longer benefiting the author in sales.) I’d be interested to know if you manage to obtain a print version!

      2. Six Feldspar*

        Yeah the first few books are more like satire of fantasy than a good doorway into the Discworld series in its own right. Hope you enjoy Guards! Guards! and the rest of the series!

        1. Evvy*

          That makes sense! I remember reading the very first one (The Color of Magic…?) as a kid and being very ??? about it haha. But I loved Going Postal so much I read it three times!

    19. PhyllisB*

      I’ve done a lot of reading this week. Mostly light cozies except for one, The Treasure Hunter’s Club by Tom Ryan.
      If you ever liked Gothics you would probably like this, but it had a twist I certainly didn’t see coming.
      For lighter fare, I read How Not to Murder Your Ex by Katie Marsh (very funny) Low Country Boneyard by Susan Boyer (part 3 of a series) and started a new series The Psalm 23 mysteries. I can’t think of the author’s name at the moment I’ll have to report back if anyone is interested. The first title is The Lord is My Shepard. The main characters are a church secretary and a Jewish Rabbi. They solve a string of murders that were committed during Holy Week. It’s billed as a Christian cozy. There’s no sex or bad language but the muders are rather gritty.
      I had a hard time believing one person could perpetuate all this alone. I realize it’s fiction, but still…
      Now I’m reading Kale to the Queen by Nell Hampton. This is a mystery with a main character who is a personal chef to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. If you have read any of Julie Hyzy’s White House Chef mysteries it’s very similar.

    20. Zephy*

      I’m attempting the PopSugar Reading Challenge this year, they have a list of prompts and you have to read a book that satisfies each prompt. I just finished prompt 3, a book about space tourism, but I feel like I kind of cheated because I chose a fiction novel called Floating Hotel (Greta Curtis, 2024). Which, while the action centers on the titular hotel floating in space, it’s not about space tourism as such; we’ve skipped past the “Vacation on the Moon!” 2001 A Space Odyssey type of space tourism and humanity is now a pan-galactic society strip-mining entire planets for resources. I wanted to read Packing for Mars (Mary Roach, 2010), which I think is more in the spirit of the prompt, but my library didn’t have a copy available and I didn’t want to either wait for another branch to ship it or drive across the county myself, LOL. I do still want to read Packing for Mars and I’m close by a branch that has copies today, so maybe I’ll stop by there this afternoon.

    21. Mrs. Frisby*

      Just finished The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett, and I definitely recommend it. It’s being sold as a Holmes/Watson mystery in a fantasy world. I went on a deep dive of the author after reading it, and he says he was more inspired by Nero Wolfe mysteries (which I’ve never read) than Sherlock. Anyway, I thought the world building was interesting and I really loved the dynamic between the two main characters. And there’s humor. I have added more of his books to my list.

    22. GoryDetails*

      Books I’ve read recently/am reading and would recommend:

      Small Game by Blair Braverman: cooperative survival reality show contestants find themselves stranded in the woods when the film crew doesn’t come back. Lots of gritty survival skills demonstrated – and much introspection in a very challenging situation.

      Birder, She Wrote by Donna Andrews – more Meg Langslow, quite entertaining. (Dedicated to Angela Lansbury for “bringing us Jessica Fletcher”) Features Pomeranian pups being trained as scent dogs, which is hilarious.

      All the Water in the World by Eiren Caffall, a post-apocalyptic tale from the viewpoint of a young girl who’s coped with rising ocean levels and, as the novel begins, a mega-storm that forces her small family out of their (relatively) snug home atop New York’s American Museum of Natural History.

      Audiobook: The Masquerades of Spring by Ben Aaronovitch, a kind of distant prequel to his “Rivers of London” books. Set in Jazz Age New York, it features Augustus “Gussie” Berrycloth-Young, who’d trained at the same school of magic as one Thomas Nightingale – but who chose to move to New York to enjoy the music and entertainments of the city. His pleasantly idle life – and his time with his boyfriend – are interrupted when Nightingale turns up, on a quest to rescue a fey from bondage at the request of the Folly’s housekeeper Molly.

      1. Dontbeadork*

        I found The Masquerades of Spring to be very reminiscent of the Jeeves and Wooster books by PG Wodehouse, if anyone is hesitating about whether to read it. Very nicely done.

    23. Nervous Nellie*

      Two for me – my Year of Penguin Classics is coming along nicely. A late thread comment a couple of weeks ago from Little John (hi, LJ!) about Six Records of a Floating Life by Shen Fu (translated by Leonard Pratt and Chiang Su-Hui, which I was halfway through at the time, caused me to slow down and really absorb it. Thanks for that! It’s a lovely true diary from 1809 of a Chinese private secretary who recounts his work and wonderful home life with his gentle and beautiful wife. He’s a romantic and a dreamer. Hugely recommended!

      I am also greatly enjoying Voltaire’s two short novellas (in one Penguin): Zadig and L’ingenu. Both are witty feel-good tales – it’s no spoiler to say everyone in the tales overcomes their obstacles. It’s like he wrote the script for Ted Lasso! My used copy may have been a college textbook as L’ingenu is littered with highlighting and dogearing (who DOES that?) but the story is shouting down the previous owner’s marginalia. I could see this being a very fun operetta.

    24. Tea Monk*

      I’m reading The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Real Magic and it’s an amazing novel. It’s a portal fantasy and well written with gokd characterization and world building

    25. Bike Walk Barb*

      I just finished Starter Villain by John Scalzi, which I picked up thanks to a recommendation here. Super fun romp with punchy writing. And if you love cats, you’ll love this.

    26. RC*

      I’ve made strides this week towards maybe getting the gang back together for a book club of Climate Rock Star Ayana Johnson’s “What if we get it right?” We had a group who read the previous one she edited (All We Can Save) back in 2020, and I think there’s enough interest to discuss with the same group if we can find a time for discussion. I’d been hesitating because the book was written earlier this year and now the world has proven itself to be an extra hopeless nightmare, but if anyone can frame it in a hopeful way, I’m hoping it’s her. Would be interested if anyone here has read it; I’ve only just started the copy I got for Christmas. (Am finishing Scalzi’s Old Man’s War series first; while I still enjoy his style, it’s only okay, I definitely like his more recent stuff much better.)

      1. Amy Purralta*

        I’m currently reading the first part of Cher’s biography. It’s very good. It’s worth a read just for her Mum’s backstory. I don’t know how her Mum survived.
        The next books on my list are Butter, Yellowface, and Pachinko.
        The last book I read was the latest Richard Osman, We Solve Murders. I think I’m going to enjoy this series as much as The Thursday Murder Club.

      2. kt*

        I went to a talk by Dr. Johnson and it was thought-provoking & so I have the book on order, but I haven’t yet read it. In the wake of events in Altadena, close to where I used to live, I need a take like hers so I’ll start once I get it.

        I also picked up Medicine Wheel for the Planet by Dr Jennifer Genz, and right from the beginning it’s really hitting the right spot for me. Especially in this moment, given the situation & some of my life experiences, talking about the tension she felt in bringing together a Western scientific academic worldview & her Indigenous relational worldview, and what philanthropy funded vs what was effective in terms of ecological restoration work, and and and.

    27. Forensic13*

      I’m reading Death Comes to Pemberley by PD James, the mystery that takes place in the Pride and Prejudice universe, a few years after the book. I’m not sure if I like it or not, but it’s well-done, if that makes sense.

      1. Dontbeadork*

        I liked it well enough, but I wasn’t wishing that they’d make it a series by the time I finished. Kind of like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies , it was a fun read, but one’s enough.

        1. Forensic13*

          You are kinder than I am because I finished today out of spite! I grimly told my husband that I don’t think I’ve ever read a worse mystery. Not the worst mystery book ever, as she is a stylish writer. But oof, the actual mystery parts were unbearable to me.

    28. I liked Prodigal Summer*

      Am in the middle of The Making of a Major Motion Picture Masterpiece by Tom Hanks for next month’s book club. I do NOT recommend it. Too long, too wordy, tough to get through. This may be the first book club book that I do not finish.

      1. ElastiGirl*

        I found his book of short stories, *Uncommon Type,* very enjoyable indeed. But I agree… *The Making of a Major Motion Picture Masterpiece* was… disappointing.

    29. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Just finished “Making It So” by Patrick Stewart on audio (in his voice). He’s a much more vulnerable and emotional person than you would think from him being Picard.

    31. carcinization*

      Just finished Wiswell’s Someone You Can Build a Nest In. I think it was worth the hype. There were a couple of things I would have liked more explanation of, but in all it was really enjoyable!

    32. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      The Wednesday Wars, by Gary D. Schmidt: a historical novel about, and narrated by, a seventh grade boy in Nassau County, NY in 1967-68. He’s the only kid in his class who isn’t going to either Hebrew school or Catholic catechism classes on Wednesday afternoon, so his teacher has him start reading Shakespeare. Some of the events follow from that, and others are because of the Vietnam War. I reading this for a book club, and then decided that I liked it but had nothing particular to say about the book.

      1. Evvy*

        Oh I LOVE the Wednesday Wars!! It’s been one of my favorite books all the way since I read it for school. Schmidt’s Okay For Now (set in the same world, I wouldn’t call it a sequel exactly as it follows a different main character who moves away from Holling’s neighborhood at the beginning of the book) is if anything even better. I love his writing.

    33. StarTrek Nutcase*

      I just devoured Vin Strong’s Lone Survivor and Lone Target (1st & 2d in a series). While I usually read sci-fi or paranormal, the covers & blurbs caught my attention. These are modern thrillers dealing with different airline terrorism from view of an Air Marshal. The action sucked me as did the Air Marshal’s decision making when 300+ lives balanced on a knife’s edge. And I enjoyed the glimpses of the ubiquitous entitled passenger or two. These aren’t tomes but definitely long enough to capture one’s interest with satisfying conclusions. I am already anxious to continue the series.

  3. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What, if any, are you hoping to get done this weekend?

    (“Catch up on sleep” is an absolutely valid response!)

    1. Past Lurker*

      I want to purge my closet of clothes that I don’t want anymore. I’ll donate as much as possible and hopefully repurpose or recycle the rest.

      3. Mrs. Frisby*

        I started this a few weeks ago and this weekend is when I hope to finish–box everything up for donation, store the clothes I’m keeping but don’t want hanging up right now, etc. Clearing out the piles would be good!

      4. PhyllisB*

        I need to do that with my late son’s closet. I keep putting it off because I feel like I’m erasing him.
        When I do get to where I’m able to, can any of you suggest a group that wants professional men’s clothing? When he was in college he had to attend a lot of professional events and there are a lot of sports coats, dress slacks and such. I know this is (or used to be) a group for women’s clothing called Dress for Success that would provide women with clothing for job interviews but haven’t heard of anything similar for men. Thrift shops and sober living places don’t want them, they only want casual clothing.

        1. Dontbeadork*

          If you check on the Dress for Success website, they do suggest a couple of places that take men’s professional clothes.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Put away the Christmas tree. I took all the decorations off of it two weeks ago and all the other holiday decor is gone but this naked tree has just been looming in the corner being too hard to confront, lol

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Syllabi. Ugh. My brain is so foggy sometimes, and creating something new/modifying something existing feels like it hurts. But I know I will be much happier once I have the syllabi done and that I’ll be a better teacher once I have *my* roadmap set out for me!

      I don’t think I can bring myself to drive back to my apartment and clean it of pesticides in the biting cold that’s coming, but maybe later next week. Ugh.

    6. Amber Rose*

      I should probably pull the Christmas lights off the lawn…

      It’s also time to get back to the gym. I have been sick since December but I’m more or less better except for a cough so, it’s time.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Bring LOTS of tissues. I’ve been making myself work out post cold and man, that runny nose…

    9. Percy Weasley*

      Just finished Iona Iverson’s Rules For Commuting by Clare Pooley which was delightful. Also re-read Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld – so good!

    10. GoryDetails*

      Decluttering. Massive decluttering. I’ve lost some significant things in the stacks-of-stuff-to-sort-through, and I need to make room for some household repairs, and in general I’m feeling the weight of the detritus. [It’s supposed to snow, so maybe that will motivate me to stay in and sort things!]

    11. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

      I bought a handful of books recently that I’m excited about, but I have no room for them in my bookcases. I’m going to clean my bookcases and pick some books to donate to make room for my new books this weekend.

      It shouldn’t be hard to pick which books to donate since I came up with an “acquisition and deaccession policy” for my collection a few years ago, but I feel horrible about getting rid of books anyway since I really love books. (I borrow most of the books I read from the library though, so this isn’t a constant problem or anything though.)

      1. WellRed*

        I’ve been trying to rehome a bunch of books. I’ve managed to give some away on Buy Nothing and am going to stick some in my car and find some LF libraries in need of restocking. I definitely use the library when possible but it’s like the books just multiply on my shelves!

        1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

          Someone fed your books after midnight, lol!

          (Just googled the Gremlins movies, and there’s a third one in development!)

      1. Amy Purralta*

        We’ve had an unexpected £5000 vet bill. Our 6ish year old indoor cat had server liver issues, luckily he’s turned a corner. I’m selling some of our collections this weekend to make some of the money back.

    13. Six Feldspar*

      The weather and the weekend has *finally* aligned for me to be able to repaint my front porch (I need a run warm dry days when I’m not working). I did the prep Friday, undercoat yesterday and today I’ll paint the top coat (hopefully only one!)

    14. Geriatric Rocker*

      The ironing, a job I hate (but not as much as I hate vacuuming). As it’s summer (and we have some 40C+ days coming up), I like to wear cotton, which means I have to iron them unless I want to go to work looking like an unmade bed.

    15. Thorn of Queens*

      Watch sumo nonstop with my husband. I just got into it two years ago and it’s so much fun.

    16. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I was not sleeping well early in the mornings because I was cold, so I got an electric blanket (all the warmth is on the other side of a long house at night). Ah bliss!

    1. Valancy Stirling*

      I traveled to Chile with one of my best friends, who lives on the other end of the continent and whom I almost never get to see.

      1. Southern Violet*

        I am currently rereading the Blue Castle and LOVE your user name!

        To answer the question, my cat fell asleep on me earlier and I’ve never seen a creature look so contented.

      2. RC*

        Oooh which part? Summer in Patagonia is amazing (we’d intended to do TdP in December 2020 but we all know how that story ended…).

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I traded my old pair of Lothlorian wool/possum gloves for a new one. The old pair was getting thin in the palms, and the new pair is just delightfully warm and cozy and never gives me that “grk, thin spot there” when grabbing a car handle.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        That possum/merino combination really is magical! I have several pairs of socks that I wear 24/7 through winter and they’re barely worn.

          2. Six Feldspar*

            The “possums” are brushtail possums, which are native to Australia and a protected species there. HOWEVER they were introduced to New Zealand and have become a pest species so using their fur/skins isn’t an issue for species management. It’s also an important source of possum skins and products for Australian First Nations peoples.

              1. Six Feldspar*

                That’s hilarious! Brushtails are locally known for eating fruit and clomping around on roofs at night (seriously, a brushtail on a tin roof sounds like an elephant) so I’d put them closer to hobbits myself XD

      2. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Are these available in North America? I looked at their website but couldn’t see stockists outside of NZ and AUS!

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I ordered these from David Morgan. (Used to order from a company called Three Islands that seems to have vanished.) They are quite reasonably priced (about $25/pair).

          I first got a pair in ’99 at the Sheep Expo in New Zealand, amazed at wool that was not itchy. Babied those along until the internet reached the point where it could figure out that by “Lothlarian gloves” I probably meant “Lothlorian gloves” and found a source for me.

          And as Six Feldspar says, the socks are great.

    3. Teapot Translator*

      Finally received my pack of dogs playing cards from Artiphany! Delivery was delayed due to the strike.

    4. WellRed*

      On eBay I found a replacement for a top I loved that I didn’t get to enjoy for long because it got damaged (and I had paid full price I liked it so much). It arrives next week,

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Same! I had a hard time finding hiking boots that fit properly until I at last I found a design that has been perfect. I’d replace them when they wore out with the new version for many years, until recently the company decided to stop making them.

          I went to eBay and found two pairs my size, both listed as used but they clearly were like new. Someone probably wore them once or something.

          1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

            Shoes have been my biggest wins. Many replacements of discontinued or changed styles, often new. Amazing!

        3. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

          Yes! I have a Tupperware container I use to pack lunch for work. The latch closure breaks off after a few years of use, but I’ve gotten a few replacements off of eBay. (Some new, some used in good condition.) I’m grateful for it!

    5. WorkNowPaintLater*

      The weather warming up enough to melt the glacier that had formed around my car’s wiper blades. Catching a new episode of Will Trent. And realizing today that I can sleep in (for me) for three days in a row.

    6. Past Lurker*

      The online order form for my favorite coffeehouse didn’t let me select the latte flavor I wanted. They recently changed the order form, so I flagged it in case they wanted to fix it. I picked a different flavor but alerted them in the comment section that it wouldn’t let me pick that flavor. When I went to pick it up, they had made my latte with the flavor I originally wanted!

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      It finally being cold enough to enjoy our duvet rather than suffering through kicking it off the bed every night.

    10. Knighthope*

      I suggested that my watercolor teacher apply to teach at an art collective she was unfamiliar with. She was hired and already has several classes coming up!

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        So nice of you to encourage her to apply to the art collective job (and it’s so great that she was hired)!!!

    11. Blythe*

      Complicated story that is too much for this thread— but the summary is that I am so grateful for a good situation my three (foster) teens and I are in!

    12. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Finally got to see a sea otter in the wild today. My hubs and I have been visiting everywhere they are reported to hang, but had no luck. But today was the day – we followed it along the shore for about 10 minutes before it swam off.

    14. BellStell*

      My joys were walking a lot this week, the road ice sheets melting, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

    15. Evvy*

      I gave myself the day off yesterday and drove a few hours to visit one of my favorite small local museums, and fulfilled a childhood dream of mine by actually buying a cute plushie from their gift shop! I always talk myself out of it (that stuff tends to be expensive LOL) but not this time and I’m very happy with my cute lil guy

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        I’m not the type of person who likes cute things in general, but I have two cute plushies at work that I got as gifts from coworkers, and they do bring a lot of joy. Fulfilling your childhood dream by buying a cute plushie from a museum giftshop sounds lovely. :)

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I like buying jewelry from museum gift shops–they have nice stuff, for obvious reasons!

      3. Sunshine State*

        What a great idea! And you got the plushie!! (I was shopping with my cousin Saturday who reminded me I can talk myself into and out of anything! We were at Hobby Lobby at the time and she was correct. I talked myself out of a lot of things there that day!) Now I need to plan a day trip to a museum!

    17. fallingleavesofnovember*

      So many this week! Skating home from work one day, dinner out and orchestra the next, booking a trip with my Mum for the spring, and drinks with one of my best friends!

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        It currently icy/snowy where I live, so when you said you skated home from work my first thought was that you ice-skated home, lol. Roller blading or a skateboarding would be a fun trip home too!

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          I actually did mean ice skating! This sort of gives away my location, but my city has a canal that they turn into a long ice skating trail in the winter! Sadly climate change is having an impact and the last two years it was barely open so everyone is really excited we are getting the opportunity this year! It’s not quite close enough to skate to and from work every day, but we do it when we can!

          1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

            Oh, wow. When I thought of ice-skating home, I was thinking the roads or sidewalks were somehow ice-y enough to skate on, and then I was like, nah, it couldn’t be *that* ice-y. (Though, once when I was a kid, our back yard was a sheet of ice after a storm and a family skated across it.) I never heard of places having bodies of water that they could turn into ice-skating trails. It’s awesome that that kind of thing exists and that you get to ice-skate home! That’s so much nicer than sitting in traffic.

    18. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

      I ordered a book from ThriftBooks for the first time. It’s an old, out-of-print book, and I was disappointed that they sent me the paperback instead of the hardcover I ordered. I e-mailed them about it because the listing obviously has an error (it says hardcover, but the ISBN matched the paperback sent to me). I expected to get ignored or simply told to return the book, which would really suck (I hate the hassle of going to the library to print a return label, scrounging around for packing materials, and then waiting in line at the post office on a Saturday morning to return stuff), but they responded the next day asking for more information to “look into it,” and then refunded my purchase because they didn’t have any hardcovers to send.

      I was shocked but happy. :)

      (Is it just me, or has anyone else come to expect to get horrible customer service? I’m like, “Wait, what just happened?” when I have a good customer service experience.)

    19. Rose is a rose*

      We drove up to the snow and stayed in a ski cabin. Our 6.5 month-old pup got to frolic in the snow for the first time!

    20. Be the Change*

      Not exactly happy but it was beautiful weather for sign-waving and demonstrating with other community members.

    21. chocolate muffins*

      Spent time with two friends and their adorable new baby! I did not really enjoy my own child’s babyhood but it turns out that babies in general are marvelous when one is well-rested and in general enjoying life. I got to hold the baby while his parents ate which was a win for everyone, I think.

      1. Rara Avis*

        The great thing about holding someone else’s baby is that you can hand them back when they start crying.

    22. Clara Bowe*

      I signed up for and went to an adult ceramics class! Haven’t done it since high school, and spent a couple hours on Friday night just playing with clay and chatting with some nice people.

      I also got to smash my pot at the end! (I do not want or need new things. Just creative building time.)

    24. Shiny Penny*

      This week I’ve been learning about Opae Ula, aka Hawaiian Volcano Shrimp. I want more furry animals, but now is not the correct time for that! So I’m looking at all the possible indoor non-furry pets.
      Opae Ula sound like a fun option, and watching all the you-tubes about how to keep them has brought me a lot of joy this week.

  5. Just a name*

    That kitty looks like the feral cat I’ve been feeding this winter. Although much less skittish.

  6. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Blue Eyed Samurai is good if you’re up for a tale of animated revenge. This is definitely R rated, between the violence, nudity, and sex. In old Japan a mixed race warrior sets out to seek revenge on a whole lot of people. I liked the straightforward approach to brothels, and that the romance turned into less “a perfect pairing of souls” and more “we could be a step on each other’s journeys.”

    Returned to S2 of Silo, after taking a break because the slow pace was getting frustrating watching once a week. Will probably finish the last two episodes tonight. I like individual characters, but we have learned almost nothing and the whole middle of the season could have been an email.

    Did not finish No Good Deed, about the secrets that bubble up when a house is listed for sale in LA. I like stories where the house feels like a character in its own right, and this had a lot less of that than I expected–the people looking for a house needed shelter, and shelter with natural light and exposed beams is nice. They missed a chance to go much deeper on “Why do shows like House Hunters appeal so hard?” After three episodes, I didn’t care what happened to any of these people.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’m watching The Last Detective. I like it, but I think they meant it to be funnier than it actually is.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Sidenote, FD, I’ve been watching with dismay as whatever has been happening kept happening this week. I hope the site has figured out how to block that person’s IP or whatever. You are such a good commenter and it’s horrid.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      *Sex and the City* — I missed it when it was on in the late ’90s/early 2000s, though of course I read about it. I like some of its LGBTQ+ representation so far, though the language is sometimes cringey and I haven’t seen all identities fully represented yet. But it’s nice to see at least a consistent presence of gay men in the series. I wasn’t even out as bi yet when the series was on, but watching the series feels like teleporting to a more hopeful time for LGBTQ+ rights, where what was in front of us was only going to get better. I also like fact that the series does not shy away from the representation of women being able to be unapologetically sexual if they want.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I will say there was (in my opinion) some bi erasure going on in one episode where an out apparently gay man marries a straight woman and they tell their friends they are in love and have great sex. The series seems to grudgingly admit that it’s possible (though individual characters doubt it) but never takes the step to saying, you know, lots of folks are bisexual or homoflexible — this isn’t that unheard of. That would have been nice.

      2. Busy Middle Manager*

        I’m surprised you like it in retrospect! I remember loving it when it was new since but have watched some clips since and it’s a tad cringy to me in retrospect. So many scenes are basically “sex, amirite?” I think too many characters on the show are basic caricatures and they only give full personalities to Miranda and maybe Charlotte.

        I am of the school that they actually did not want us to like Carrie even though she was the protagonist. Just a series of bad decisions she thought were cute, but that bothered or hurt other people. I remember generally liking the show, but leaving annoyed that Carrie screwed up another opportunity or relationship for no reason

        I think I liked it back then because of the random street scenes and the coziness of a group of friends that actually meets and does things and can afford to live near eachother (I grew up in a higher COL area and them just meeting up for dinner so often without half the friend group being an hour away is a huge luxury!)

    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      I rewatched both seasons of the extremely funny British comedy Spy recently. Then realized that I want Darren Boyd and Alan Tudyk (or Wat from A Knight’s Tale, as he’s known in my household) to start in something together. Maybe as brothers.

      1. Rara Avis*

        Alan Tudyk will always be Wash to me.

        No wait, K2!

        Oh, but then there’s Hei Hei ….

        You know what … never mind!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I liked episode 10, but feel we stalled all the way through the middle of the season. I think the pace of doling out information about the silos got thrown out of wack.

        It makes sense that any society locked into small space would have some rigid ideas about order, and be designed to quash anyone curious. I can believe that the curious would still exist but keep it contained to realms where the powerful either didn’t notice or didn’t care, and then A Thing would happen that lit them onto a mystery relevant to the plot. I’m not sure how much of my frustration with the show’s pace is that not enough is being revealed about what’s going on, and how much is that the author told a different kind of story set in different constraints and this is the natural outcome of that.

        Basically I thought the middle of S2 needed a lot more The Martian, where there are solid tech problems to solve and a reason those take a long time.

    6. Strive to Excel*

      I’ve been very hyped about Solo Levelling season 2! It’s one of the newer trend of anime with a “somehow there are monster dungeons and superheroes on Earth”, but I enjoy the art, the concept, and the fact that it keeps a tighter grasp of some of the themes and plot lines than others. It’s adapted from a wildly successful webcomic. Definitely R rated for animated violence.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, my son at nearly 16 loves it. He’s never been fazed by violence in movies because he’s so aware that it’s not real, especially animated stuff. We watched the extended LotR movies with him for the first time when he was 8, for reference.

        We’re also watching Star Trek TAS.

        Skeleton Crew ended in an absolutely amazing finale.

        My husband and I are watching The Sopranos.

      2. Thorn of Queens*

        Me too! Loved season 1, and season 2 looks good so far.

        But I am so so so hyped for season 2 of Apothecary Diaries! My husband found it by searching for “strong female protagonist” but it seems to be genuinely popular. Maybe it’s the Frieren effect.

    7. Helvetica*

      I started watching “Black Doves” on Netflix because there was a lot of hype around it. I do like it in general, although I am a bit annoyed by them being supposedly excellent spies and then relaying important and sensitive information to each other over regular phone calls on their personal phones….That is in no way secure or safe, and they should know better.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I just watched “Countdown”, a 2019 horror film, on Netflix – it’s leaving Netflix at the end of the month so I boosted up my watchlist. And I enjoyed it. It is a fairly typical horror film, and yet I liked the execution, jumped at the jump-scares, and was especially fond of the quirky demon-fighting priest that the protagonists met in hopes of fending off the Big Bad. [The premise: an app called “Countdown” will tell you when you’re going to die, via a full-screen count-down clock. Characters download it just for fun, and every single one of them accepts the terms and agreements without reading them first – leading to havoc when it turns out that taking steps to circumvent your given death-date means that the date will be moved up and you’ll be stalked by something really scary.

      Again, nothing really out of the way horror-film-wise, but I liked it.

      Am also getting through the older seasons of “Is It Cake,” which is a very silly show but which features some jaw-dropping photo-realistic cakes.

    9. Ostrich Herder*

      Extremely excited for Severance starting back up – it’s one of those wonderful shows where I’m terrified they’ll mess up the legacy of a perfect first season, but the season two opener was good!

    10. Nervous Nellie*

      I am riveted to the 2015 English series Humans, which I found streaming free on Tubi. It’s 3 seasons long. It’s edgy stylish sci-fi about the impact of AI and robotics on everyday life. The story is set in London in the very near future, and it’s a trip. Replicants (thank you, Philip K Dick) live in people’s homes doing their shopping and gardening, etc. and are also in most service jobs. Many of them work alongside humans covertly. Creator scientists are sympathetic advocates or mad scientists. Some replicants become sentient and search for each other for protection. It’s a marvelous cast, and the story is bursting with things to consider. I personally am very uneasy about the advent of AI and what it may do to my job and others’ jobs, but this series makes me feel sympathy for some of the replicants. Interesting! As a lifelong fan of Blade Runner, I can say this series expands on those ideas, and that Philip K Dick would be nervous today with our phones, cars, fridges etc. monitoring us….

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Humans was good. I hoped they’d go on for one more season to explore implications of the last episode.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Ah, I’m only on Season 2, and am hopeful it doesn’t end on a cliffhanger. But then again, AI kind of is a cliffhanger in our lives, so maybe that would be apt.

    11. Thorn of Queens*

      I really enjoyed Blue Eyed Samurai.

      I recently found a series called My New Boss is Goofy (Atarashii Joushi wa Do Tennen) that I absolutely loved. It’s about a young man with PTSD from an abusive boss and how his goofy and supportive new workplace helps him heal. It’s one of those feel-good shows I put on when I want to destress and laugh.

    12. Rosyglasses*

      Just discovered Staged on Britbox after seeing a few shorts on Instagram. Michael Sheen and David Tennant started it during 2020 and it’s pretty hilarious!

    13. StarTrek Nutcase*

      After seeing some YouTube shorts, I got the Mandalorian series on DVD. It’s a offshoot of Star Wars. Originally on Disney+ (which I don’t have), it’s a high quality production. While it’s obviously fantasy sci-fi set in a universe far, far away, it’s themes are familiar (religion, politics, underdog, adoptive love, honor, etc.). And while there’s lots of action/adventure, it’s really a tale of relationships including a baby (50 yo) of Yoda’s species. It’s like sci-fi chocolate – a yummy guilty pleasure.

  7. RLC*

    Grendel’s expression seems to say “you weren’t supposed to see me up here !”
    Would love the backstory on how he got to that perch.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It’s a big slab of live edge wood that’s hanging on the wall. He’s discovered that he can jump from the top of the cat tree in the corner onto the wood slab and walk along it. He’s also discovered that he can jump from the cat tree to the top of the window blinds, which I am less happy about.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Allison, have you seen the comic strip Breaking Cat News? It is hilarious and I think you would really, really relate.

        2. RLC*

          Proof of my theory that there once was a feline Cirque du Soleil: when it disbanded the former troupe members dispersed and were adopted into human households around the world. One of them is evidently living with Alison. Another lives with us and maintains her acrobatic skills walking along the 1/2” wide top edge of our TV then leaping gracefully to the 2” wide top frame of a 6-1/2’ tall mirror. (TV and mirror are secured to house structural framing with seismic restraint brackets for safety.)

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          The Spanish Inquisition spent a long time practicing leaping onto the newel post at the bottom of the stairs. And not in a graceful “clearly I mean to be hanging sideways off this thing with my ears flat” way. But she persevered, and can now leap dramatically onto the newel post and bypass the bottom of the stairs.

          I don’t know why this was an essential pathway to develop, but it was.

        4. allathian*

          My parents’ cat used to perch on the curtain rail in their living room/office as a young adult. He’d jump from the floor to the desk and from there to the rail.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Love the photo! Brings back memories of a fluffy grey cat my family had when I was a kid. She could jump to the top of an open door – from a standing start, too. She even made it up to a picture-rail that couldn’t have been 2 inches wide, and how she stuck there I do not know. I think she just used those feline gravity-control powers, the same ones that let a small cat increase in weight when they want to pin you to the chair or mattress.

  8. Anon5775*

    My partner and I are thinking of going to Lincoln or Omaha Nebraska for our summer trip. We like staying in Airbnb’s, but since we’ve never been to either city before, we’re not sure of the best neighborhoods to stay in to be close to say, the zoo, and other attractions. Alternatively if there are neighborhoods to avoid, I’d love that info as well. Can’t miss attractions we should see are also welcome. Thanks!

    1. Enjoy Nebraska*

      I live near but not in those areas. Don’t go during the College World series unless you are going FOR the College World Series. Also don’t go during Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting. Both of these are in Omaha and lodging prices are sky high. Then it depends – adults only or adults and kids? What do you like to do? Lincoln has some off-the-wall museums: roller skating museum, World of Speed (HUGE), International Quilt Museum, there’s a museum on the college campus. In between Lincoln and Omaha is a big outlet mall, Baker’s chocolate company, and the SAC (Strategic Air Command) museum. Omaha has its share of museums, so look at them and see if their exhibits are what interest you. The Durham Museum is small , it’s had some good exhibits and some not-so-good; Joslyn Art Museum, tour of Joslyn Castle if you like cool old historic buildings. There’s a Black History Museum (I haven’t been there yet), a children’s museum in both cities. Bellevue (near Omaha) has Fontenelle Forest Tree Rush. I’m not sure about areas where there would be Airbnbs.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        What is Runzas and what is their specialty? Inquiring minds* want to know. Thank you!

        *mine and probably those of some other folks in the wider AAM community :-)

        1. Generic Name*

          It’s white bread with seasoned ground beef and cabbage in the middle. Traditionally the filling is baked inside the bread, but I noticed maybe early 2000s they switched to just slicing a long roll and plopping the meat in the middle, which isn’t as good. The flavor profile is “savory meat”. I believe it’s German heritage. It’s a fast food restaurant, so set expectations accordingly.

    3. Frieda*

      Staying in Midtown in Omaha (maybe Aksarben or Blackstone) will give you proximity to the zoo, the Old Market/downtown, the beautiful new riverfront park and museums, the botanical garden, etc. IMO there’s more interesting food in Lincoln and the Capitol is fun, and there are museums at UNL.

      1. Generic Name*

        I agree with this. Dundee is a cute historic neighborhood close to all that stuff as well (that’s where I grew up).

        As far as stuff to do:
        Henry Doorly Zoo (number one zoo in the world)
        Durham history museum
        Lauretzen Botanical Gardens
        Hang out at the Old Market
        Air and Space Museum (closer to Lincoln, but it’s just a 30 min drive from Dundee)
        Kiewit Luminarium
        Joselyn Art Museum

        Interesting about the food. I always thought it was my mom’s pedestrian tastes in food, but maybe it’s the restaurants? Jaipur in Dundee has good Indian food. The Mattress Factory near downtown has good bar food.

        1. Frieda*

          Yes on Dundee!

          Omaha has lots of good Indian food, a few really good Middle Eastern places, one good and one medium Ethiopian place, and lots of Mexican/Central American, but I think of Lincoln as having more fun niche places – Banhwich for banh-mi and several other Vietnamese places, Pepe’s Bistro… but there’s probably some nostalga coloring my POV since we used to be in Lincoln a lot and haven’t so much recently.

          The restaurant group that includes Blatt Beer and Table and Blu Sushi is pretty good, too.

    4. MaxKitty*

      The Durham Museum is inside Omaha’s gorgeous Art Deco Union Station. And it has an operating old-fashioned soda fountain.

    5. Enjoy Nebraska*

      Runzas – some people like them, some don’t. But it’s a very regional thing so yes, you have to try one at least! That’s why I said the basic one (regular or regular with cheese); I don’t care for the specialty types. They came over to Nebraska from Germans who lived in Russia. It’s a chain, but many, many people make their own. Quite like a bierock. A highly rated sushi chef is here and you can have his omakase for $$$ at Yoshimoto, I think. Umami, in Bellevue (just south of Omaha) has an award-winning sushi chef. Of course, if you eat meat, there are many notable beef restaurants.

    6. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      If you you plan on being in NE over the 4th of July, check out Seward’s fireworks show!

  9. MissB*

    How does your garden planning go?

    Too wintery here to be growing much and this is the time of year that I really narrow down my choices of what to grow this year.

    So tell me what seeds/plants/new things you’re trying this year!

    I’m using the seed snail method for much of my seed starting this year.

    I’m looking forward to trying Biquinho peppers this year too. They’re super cute and supposedly good to pickle.

    1. Middle Aged Lady*

      We are expanding space, putting in raised beds, and plan to add green beans and maybe some bell peppers to our mix of tomatoes, yellow squash, zucchini, white onions, and eggplant.
      Also moving the perennial herbs out of pots into a designated garden spot. What is the seed snail method? We usually start some seeds in the garage under a grow light.

      1. MissB*

        It uses soil along a roll of material- some folks use the thin foam that is used in packaging and some folks use burlap or other material.

        I use about 30” length of material and the height is a bit less than the container you want to use. I use half gallon round plastic pots. Spread a layer of moist dirt (maybe 1/4-1/3” thick) on the material then roll it up and tape it. Stick that “seed snail” in the plastic pot, then plant the seeds along the spiral at the top.

        Cover seeds as usual, then I use a plastic bag on top for inside germination until the seeds emerge.

        Once you have seedlings, you can unroll and add dirt as needed.

        The roots don’t really get tangled too much and you can grow quite a few seedlings in a smaller space plus the depth of the container allows for deep roots. Gently separate them when you’re ready to plant out.

        I used it last year to grow out my outdoor seedlings for fall.

        1. Middle Aged Lady*

          Thank you for that thorough explanation! As soon as I posted, I realized I could have looked it up—but probably would not have got so much detail.
          It’s our first year in a long time to grow beans. We will see what Territorial Seeds has for our area (PNW). I am leaning towards bush, but Mr Middle Aged Lady will probably want pole, because it means he will be called on to build a structure for them to grow on!

          1. MissB*

            Haha! That’s great that he wants to build structures.

            I have limited vertical space so I tend to tuck bush beans in everywhere along the edges of my raised beds. I really love territorial’s Desperado bush green bean- it’s the only one I’ll grow. (I do grow yellow waxed and purple too for fresh eating and black bush bean for dried beans.)

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Landless apartment dweller (and would-be gardener) here. What is the seed snail method?
      Thank you and enjoy your garden planning!

      2. Professor Plum*

        I also have no outdoor space for gardening. I’ve really enjoyed my aerogardens for indoor gardening—herbs and greens so far. Getting ready to start tomatoes.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          We found with our aerogarden tomato experience – don’t fill more than half the spots. We filled all six of our spots and when they were getting big enough to start flowering, there were enough roots to choke out the pump and block the water sensor, so the thing went dry but the “please water me” light didn’t go on so we didn’t realize it til the plants all dried up literally overnight and the pump was making awful noises trying to run dry. So start with 2-3 pods and see how it goes first!

          1. Professor Plum*

            Thanks for sharing your experience. What I’ve read is 1 pod for every 3 spaces for flowering plants—now I know why. Herbs and greens can apparently fill every space.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Yep, exactly — our herbs and lettuces did fine with all spaces filled, and we didn’t even think to look into how to space other plants. :)

    3. BellStell*

      Today I noticed on my indoor tomato plant that I have five small flowers! I brought in a straggler in October and it is blooming and 18 inches tall. Today will go get some soil and bulbs and containers for my balcony garden for spring. Also the birds love the bird seed I have out so may get some sunflowers from the mess they make.

    4. CityMouse*

      We built basically a care around our garden plot in an attempt to foil the deer. We will see if it works.

      2. MissB*

        I’m sorry! I know it’s challenging to deal with deer. They used to come in and eat everything – hostas, roses, columbine.

        We built a fence around the garden that had a panel and then a 2’ gap before the top piece. They won’t jump through the gap between the panel and top and while it requires taller posts, it uses less material overall.

        But what really helped was getting a fully fenced yard so our dogs could go out and patrol the entire yard. Haven’t had deer come in for years, and I now grow roses fearlessly, lol.

        Hope your cage works!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Someone here asked about winter sowing. I had to go to a neighboring town building and noticed signs about where to go for the winter sowing class. So I pass this on as a spot to look for such information, designed to be local to the microclimate.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        So cool! I was the person who asked about winter sowing, and this is a nice reminder to me to look into local classes for building my gardening knowledge. I bet my city has a lot of resources I don’t know about.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          My town has lots of gardening Facebook groups and such too that often have info on these!

    6. Spacewoman Spiff*

      This is only my second year with a garden (and my first where I can actually plan—last year was a late rush to the hardware store to buy whatever plants they had) and so everything is new and I’m very excited for the spring! I’m trying to get a good mix of heights and colors into my garden, and I also have some containers which I’m hoping to do more with than I managed last year. I’m trying to make it very pollinator-friendly and am bringing in some perennials this year, so I’m hoping I manage to arrange things so I have a nice number of blooms this year…I know some of the plants won’t really get going this summer. I’m planning to plant: hollyhock, bachelor’s buttons, milkweed, coneflower, marigold, black eyed Susan (two types, one vining), zinnia, creeping thyme, lobelia, sweet alyssum, bells of Ireland, cosmos, larkspur, and lavender. All new to me, sure to be an adventure! This is also my first year winter sowing (thank you again to everyone here who had advice) and have started the seeds that need cold stratification…planning to get the rest out in the next couple months. If it works, I’m really liking this approach to sowing and how it lets me do some gardening stuff in the dead of winter.

    7. Frieda*

      I’m putting in an arch for better support for cucumbers, beans, and peas. (I went to look at the materials I want to buy at Farm and Fleet, just to see what I would need to do for transport home since we don’t have a truck, and the woman who was helping us briefly thought I wanted to strap an 80 inch cattle panel to the top of my Prius. Good times!) That will involve amending the soil in one new bed and converting some existing raised beds for more tomatoes, which is my top-priority vegetable.

      I’m also going to give seed starting another shot – my soil hosted too many gnats last year and the whole project was a little wobbly. I might delay a few weeks for warmer weather and get heated seed mats and put the little indoor greenhouse on my sun porch, which is enclosed but not insulated.

      We’ve been in this house four years in July so I think it will be a big transplanting year for me! I’ve also got seeds from a variety of friends – mostly native flowers – that I’m excited to put in. I keep bees which is fun but also I worry that my bees provide competition for native bees so I try to over-populate my garden with native pollinator plants.

      1. MissB*

        Awesome!

        We put in two arches last year and ended up getting some 8’ tall material and then just zip tying the top together in about 6-7 places. We used two pieces of wood to create more of an arch towards the top- just scrap lumber that you wedge along the top three or four squares between the two panels. Not totally necessary depending on the arch shape you want.

        It was a lot easier to move 8’ long panels vs 16’ long panels, lol. We even have a truck. We just pounded in the t-posts (oh, breaking a new irrigation line in the process) and zip tied the panels to those and then grabbed a ladder and zip tied the top. I’m sure I saw a video somewhere. Oh, found it on YouTube – called making a Gothic arch garden trellis.

        (The Gothic arch matches our green house door arched windows)

    8. Ellis Bell*

      This winter has taught me that in spite of my camellias, bamboo and privet topiary I still need yet more evergreen structure, but they have to be both kitty safe and low pollen. I’m thinking a column of Rosemary Tuscan Blue, and some dwarf picea/spruce and maybe some (female) bay lollipops (not kitty safe but too high and spindly for cat climbing). I’m going to sow annuals for the first time (not counting the cornflowers I grew ahead of time in autumn) I’m going to sow a lot of decorative salvias to go below the roses, as well as alyssum, saxifrage, and lobelia. I also want to do better with tomatoes than my miserable effort last year. I think I need to create more heat and sun, and certainly pest protection. Pill bugs and snails won hands down, with strawberries too. I’m really excited about the helianthemum seedlings that took off well in the autumn and have been overwintering beneath a dome. Evergreen groundcover that flowers for months!

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      Trying Shishito peppers this year, also celery, both from seed. Fingers crossed!
      I love being in my deep parallel gardening fantasy universe while it’s busy being winter outside. Seed catalogues are the BEST form of entertainment.

  10. Teapot Translator*

    I got myself a brand new deck of playing cards. What are you favourite card games to play alone? I’ll look them up on the Internet.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      Plain old solitaire always works for me. I think it’s the “Klondike” version, but I’m not entirely sure.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        Klondike is the traditional one, yes.

        Sometimes I’ll play single-deck blackjack for fun and to practice basic counting. I have a 8-sided folding table and a case of poker chips, waiting for the day I can teach my daughter to take kids’ allowances.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Be sure to get her the visor and teach her the riffle and wash methods of shuffling. The players will be so dazzled they’ll just place their allowance on the table and call their Mums to come collect them.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      I like 13, also known as Pyramid.

      I love Free Cell as a computer game but have never tried to play it with real cards.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I played it with real cards on a trip, and there is an advantage to being able to decide that there is probably another cell here.

      2. allathian*

        Somewhere I have a tiny deck of cards, about 2 in by 1 in. The deck is small enough to play Free Cell on a large tray, although shuffling the ordinary way is impossible.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Arkadium has some solitaire games; I particularly like Free Cell Solitaire and Tri Peaks Solitaire. (You could figure out the rules by playing a few online games.)

    5. Saturday*

      I like Accordion. I see some rules online say to start by laying out the whole deck at once, but I’ve always played it by starting with a line of… 10? 12? 13? cards. I can’t quite remember, but something like that.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Oh, my gosh! Thank you, Saturday! I had to google it, then realized I’ve been playing Accordion since I was a kid (back in the Mesozoic)!
        My grandparents and great-grands were, um, great card players, and among the many other things they taught me were about six different kinds of solitaire. Accordion was one of them, but we just called it “that game that nobody ever wins”!

        1. Saturday*

          I actually didn’t know what it was called either until I looked it up today! My sister taught be how to play when I was a kid (also maaaannnny years ago). I’ve gotta pull out my cards so I can play it again!

      2. Forrest Rhodes*

        About starting a game: We always laid out four cards, then added one card at a time, playing them whenever possible. Laying out all 52 at once just seems overwhelming to me.
        The best result I ever achieved was 51 in the first stack and one lone card left over—I’m counting that as a semi-win. One of my aunts said she actually did end up with all 52 in one stack … but none of us were around to see it, so the family gave her an asterisk with that win! :)

    6. Dontbeadork*

      I really like Forty Thieves, but it’s a two deck game. And my hands can’t shuffle two decks as well as they used to.

  11. Don’t make me come over there*

    I asked for podcast recommendations recently and you all came through! Really enjoying 99% Invisible, and looking forward to checking out the others. Thanks!

    1. Part time lab tech*

      I’ve been listening to that too. It’s great. I particularly enjoyed the ones about invisible women and nobody’s average.

  12. Peanut Hamper*

    I have (ironically) a weird question about peanuts.

    A few months ago, I bought a container of Fisher dry-roasted peanuts at Menard’s. They were delicious for a few days, but then I noticed they had a musty/moldy smell. Well, peanuts can grow mold and I figured that’s what I get for buying a cheap brand at Menard’s, so I threw them out.

    Then I bought some at Walmart (the Great Value brand) and had the same experience. Tasted great for 4-7 days, then had a musty/moldy smell. I thought that maybe they were from the same manufacturer (a slim chance, but still a chance) so I threw those out as well.

    A month later I bought name-brand dry roasted peanuts. And the same thing happened: fine for a few days, then a weird musty/moldy smell when I opened the container. Out they went.

    After that, I noticed that my jar of peanut butter from Aldi (which I love and have loved because it’s the bomb and thus I have been eating it for years) had the same smell. I did not throw it out, because I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

    Fast forward until this week, and I opened the jar of peanut butter and the smell is gone. Tasted a bit and it tasted fine.

    My question is….is there something weird going on with peanuts that I don’t know about? (A peanut recall I missed, maybe? I didn’t find anything at the other end of a google search that affected the smell of dry-roasted peanuts.) A bad year for peanuts? Possibly storing them wrong? (Although I’ve used the same pantry for years now.)

    I could think that I am imagining this, but it was just weird. Has anyone had a similar experience with a particular food? I’m completely perplexed. Googling “weird disease that makes peanuts smell bad” just brought up a lot of articles about peanut allergies and I am definitely not allergic to peanuts. (As proved by the large number of peanut butter cookies I bought from the store last week and ate.)

    Not looking for medical advice, just clues. Nothing else has smelled off to me in the past year.

    1. Not A Manager*

      When you open a peanut product, try storing it in the freezer (nuts) or fridge (peanut butter). See if that helps.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Is there anyone you could ask next time? You don’t mention a partner or roommate but maybe a friend or coworker? I’d be curious if anyone else smelled it.

    3. Washing Walls*

      Did you get sick in that time that could have caused allergy-like symptoms to peanuts? Maybe the smell was only in your head (not mentally, but I couldn’t find a better term).

      1. A313*

        I’d never heard of this and just looked it up — interesting! And so glad it doesn’t last forever!

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Have you been sick or taking any medications recently? Sometimes either one of those things can affect taste and smell.

    7. allathian*

      No clue about the pennut butter, but peanuts contain a lot of fat and when it goes off, the taste goes stale.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      The only conditions I know of that mess with your sense of smell, are COVID and pregnancy; don’t know how helpful that is! The other thing to consider is if when you opened the nuts/peanut butter where you in the same spot each time? If you were in the vicinity of something else that smelled musty/mouldy; food is really good at absorbing smells or appearing to be the source of a smell, and when the actual smell went/dried out, then you realised the food was okay. It would have been interesting to try storing/opening the nuts somewhere else to see if that changed your response to them.

      1. Cai*

        Yes, maybe there’s a mouldy smell in the part of the home that OP is opening the peanuts in? Could be something caught under an appliance or under the trash can?

    9. Armchair Analyst*

      You could put something in with the peanuts that absorb moisture – like a teaspoon of uncooked rice. Don’t eat it, but it’s edible so it would be fine if you did (unlike a silica gel packet)

    10. empossible*

      It could be because fresh nuts do go rancid. it’s from the high fat content. I’ve known plenty of people who store almonds and walnuts in the fridge for this reason. (Although I’m surprised you have the experience with peanut butter, unless it’s no-sugar PB. sugar can act like a type of preservative.)

      It’s the same reason why if you grind fresh flour directly from wheat berries that the flour and bread itself can go rancid!

      1. fhqwhgads*

        True although I wouldn’t generally expect it to happen withing 4 days of opening…with the exception of the package that had been on the shelf for a few months.

    11. PX*

      I think the smell might either not be exactly musty/mouldy but perhaps something like offgassing? Probably not the right technical term, but perhaps something about how you are keeping them/how they are now manufactured/the container/whatever means that as they acclimatize to your house they either release more chemicals/the chemicals in them react to something and then once they are acclimated the smell goes away?

      Things to help narrow it down: has this happened before? has anything changed in how you store them? is it the actual peanuts which smell or the container (eg the if you took them out and put them on a plate or other surface, would they smell), if you waited before tossing them, do they still smell, if you decanted them into a separate container from how you bought them, would they smell? etc etc.

    12. And thanks for the coffee*

      Once I was at a restaurant and ordered ice cream with chocolate syrup. I insisted it did not taste like chocolate. They showed me the can and everything. Later I realized that maybe it was because I was taking Flagyl, an antibiotic. It apparently altered the taste for me. I never went back to that restaurant because I was so embarrassed. This was way before COVID.

  13. BeachyKeen*

    Looking for feedback/stories from folks who moved to a new city for a better climate/nature- do you feel it actually improved your QOL?

    I currently live in the Northeast US. I like where I live- good COL, exciting urban life, culture etc. I have lots of friends and a good community here which means a lot to me. I live 90 minutes from the beach, which I get to go 4 months out of the year because we have all four seasons.

    During those 4 months, and from trips I’ve been on in beach towns/cities, I realized my days feel more worthwhile and I just feel better when I “end” my day on the beach. It feels kind of sad to be living for those 4 months when this could be my life everyday if I had the guts to move and give it a try.

    I consider myself a realistic person- I know if I moved, I probably won’t go to the beach as much as I think, no place is perfect or comes without its flaws and the beach isn’t going to make everyday better. I also know I’d be looking at higher COL, home is where you make it and building community isn’t easy. I am single, without kids so I don’t need to worry about community the way some others do.

    I really have no desire to leave my current city besides this so would love to hear from others if making a change like this actually made an improvement in your quality of life

    1. Lisa*

      You’re single without kids. Go! Try it out! If you find out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, you can always move back. There’s no law you have to stay forever. Or you could even try different beach towns.

      I just moved from the east coast to the west coast and the nature options are totally different. I get to see new, breathtaking scenery all the time, and I’m really happy with my new town that also has cool, quirky events and people. I do wish I had 4 seasons, but I didn’t have that back east either.

      Anyway, “not everyday” and “way more often” are not the same thing. I’ve done the really big move/relocate to a new state thing twice and both times improved my QOL.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree with Lisa’s theory here — if there’s nothing tying you to your current location, this is the perfect time to experiment and see what makes you happy! Like she said, you can always move back if you decide you like your old location better. Better to try than get stuck in thinking “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.”

        I lived in several places around the US, and while I enjoyed different things about each one and learned new things from each one, I ultimately wound up in an area that is near and culturally similar to the place where I grew up, and I am glad to be back here. However, I think that I would have felt stifled and hemmed in if I hadn’t lived in a bunch of other places and just stayed here the whole time. So spread your wings and fly now, while it’s easy!

    2. BellStell*

      Yes! One year ago I moved to a small mountain village from a small town. I am 2minutes from the forest, have foxes and chamois and loads of birds, walk all the time even in the snow and ice, and it is quiet here with nice neighbours in my building. I moved due to a bad bad neighbour with a noisy toddler who was up running around until 1am each night (five of seven nights at least) & that neighbour flooded the building so I found a cheaper smaller place and moved and it has been TheBest thing for my mental health!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I loved Seattle as a place but couldn’t deal with 9 months a year of gloom and drizzle. I moved back to somewhere with real seasons and my mental health immediately improved. (But I also now have a lower COL, much better career advancement, and terrible state politics, so there’s always pros and cons.)

    4. six sided snowflake*

      I’m also a beach person. I spent 20 years (just moved this year due to lay-off, boo!) living in a small apartment in a high COL city, 4 blocks from the beach. I would walk past the beach 4-5 times a week. I’d made a detour to go by the beach. If it’s in your soul, your soul will feel better for being by the water.

    5. Sloanicota*

      I used to live on the Lake Michigan shoreline. I really did go to the beach every day, but that’s because I was literally steps from it at my job/home. When I moved even just 10 miles inland, I went so much less. But it truly was glorious when I lived there. If it’s not realistic to move to the beach, what about a temporary thing so you can say you did it? Could you commit to renting an air bnb four times this year or for one whole season, perhaps working remotely? The biggest returns are probably in the first year, then other frustrations popped up after that, as they always do.

    6. Mostly Managing*

      Does going to the beach have to involve swimming?
      My sister has a similar love of the ocean, and gets to the beach as often as she can all year round (coastal city). In summer she swims. In the spring and fall she wades. In the winter she bundles up against the cold and walks the beach and looks at the ice and snow – at least on the weekends, when she doesn’t have darker evenings to work around.

      As others have said, you are at a good stage to try living somewhere completely different if you want to. But maybe a different perspective on the beach could also help

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      I’ve always been happiest near moving water, but that wasn’t always affordable or realistic.

      When my company relocated, I took the relocation package, because it meant I could live near water. Now I live in a condo with water features made to look like natural flowing water AND I can see the ocean pretty much everywhere except inside my condo. Ok, I can see peeks of it, but even the biggest fabulist wouldn’t say “ocean views.”

      My QOL has improved dramatically. It makes me SO happy to see the ocean when I’m coming back from the grocery store or on the way to work or just taking out the trash. It was absolutely worth it to me to buy a small condo rather than a larger SFH farther away from the office.

    8. Longing for the Beach Too*

      I’ve done it and yes, it made a huge impact for me.

      I think the thing to keep in mind is any of the negatives that will also impact your quality of life. I’m now looking to move again since one of the huge draws to this area has been greatly diminished by changes in other aspects. Think – I moved for a quiet beach town and now it is a rowdy spring break spot 365 days a year type situation, so I’m now more unhappy that I can no longer enjoy the beach that is right in front of me.

    9. Ideas welcome!*

      I’ve done an intentional QOL move before (to Portland, OR) and loved it. I’m at a different place in my life now and wanting to make another move. For those who love their new locations, would you care to share where? I have the ability, and the mindset, but am struggling to come up with new ideas. I don’t know what I don’t know!

    10. empossible*

      We moved for climate reasons! It improved our quality of life, but mainly because we go for daily walks. Daily walks were impossible in MN, and we also were looking for places with better sunshine and latitude (for vitamin D).

      We did a lot of research before moving, including visiting multiple towns. Ultimately, I think it’s important to remember that EVERY place has pros and cons, so the best you can do is maximize the pros. And the other important thing is that what is “quality of life” for you? We considered the community events, the feel of the town (like layout, traffic), and the day-to-day amenities (groceries and stuff). I love that we’re closer to hiking and mountain biking now, even though that will be seasonal. I am looking forward to having Zone 8 growing now, which is an entirely new project for me.

    11. Generic Name*

      I’m originally from the Midwest, but moved from Texas to Colorado because I couldn’t stand the heat in Texas. Plus, even though I lived there for years, I was seen as a Yankee outsider. Texas is very snobby and provincial. I think the climate here is about perfect (if a bit too hot). Much happier now (the culture is closer to what I grew up with, which helps). Not to discourage you, but consider if your happiness when you end you end your day at the beach is because you are on vacation and are therefore more relaxed in general. Something to think about!

    12. Peregrine*

      Living near nature as opposed to in the suburbs or city really improves my QOL. I lived in a beach town for several years and it was wonderful. I did actually to the beach a lot, because it was so close and I could go on off times to avoid the traffic, and could go at night, bird watching, for walks in winter, etc. If you can, I’d absolutely move closer.

    13. Fire Country*

      No, moving to a higher nature quotient area did not improve the quality of my life. I don’t regret it because I have no desire to go back, but I am ambivalent here at best. When I’m out hiking I ask myself “would I really want to give this up?” But it doesn’t offset the isolation (especially after covid and the resulting polarization), the environmental risk, and poor health care access.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that moving from a place with long grey winters to short sunny winters was a big boon to me, because it allows me to get outdoors most days and get some exercise / fresh air, which makes a huge difference for my mental health. I’m glad to still have four seasons, just … less of one.

    15. bay scamp*

      I love the beach (though we often call it something else where I live now). In high school I lived 20 minutes or so away and I wanted to go more than anyone else I knew and always enjoyed it when I went. After graduate school I moved to the beach. I had a demanding job (this was a bad economic time so I was lucky to have one at all) and didn’t go down to the actual water more than a few times, though I took walks more often than that where I could see the water at least. There hadn’t been hurricanes for a long time when I moved there, but the hurricanes started up again that fall and now they are more common again, I guess due to climate change. After losing everything due to a hurricane I moved away again. Now I am back to enjoying the beach as a yearly vacation. I wish living there again seemed viable, but I think the hurricanes are too much of a risk for me.

    16. Qwerty*

      My sibling did this twice and both times ended up moving back to Midwest US. Her favorite home was actually Chicago because she lived near Lake Michigan and her tall apartment building had a giant beautiful view of the lake during all seasons, giving her a beach feel without actually being on it.

      Some lessons to keep in mind
      1) Building a social life is hard and takes a few years. She was lonely both times and always trying to get family to come visit. Even single people need community.

      2) Towns that are fun to visit are not fun to live in, so her test vacations to the area didn’t provide an accurate preview. Research where locals who aren’t tied up in the tourist industry live and can afford. Most people she knew where either remote white collar workers or people scrapping by on multiple jobs.

      3) Seasons are different. In one location, she went from only liking the 4months of Midwest Summer to only liking the 4 months of Southern Winter. Her solution has been to find more outdoorsy activities like hiking in Fall/Spring so she still gets her nature fix when the beach isn’t an option. And to take a long trip to a southern beach each winter.

      4) The beach is less special when it is a daily reality rather than a special treat. Make sure there are many other things that you are looking forward to

      5) Hurricanes/Earthquakes/whatever natural disasters are common to the region. All this stuff is getting worse. She was certain hurricanes would not be an issue in her beachy town because that region only gets hit about once or twice a century. It has been hit hard twice in three years (first time she was living there and evacuated, second time she was already gone)

      If you are looking for a daily fix, also consider middle ground options. Like could the beach be a large lake in a medium cost of living place? Is it ending your day at the beach or just being in a natural untouched place that could let you have maybe woods or fields to go to in spring/fall when you can’t make the beach?

    17. Cai*

      I have 2 caveats to consider before you move.
      1 – places that are warm enough to go to the beach in non-beach months are usually HOT during the summer. I lived in North Carolina for a while before moving to Boston, and everyone goes “how could you move away from that gorgeous weather?” Well, because it was highs in the triple-digits for a month straight sometimes in August. We lived in an apartment where the air conditioner broke – it hit 120 in my living room during the day. I had to threaten to sue the apartment complex before they’d fix it; we had to live like that for several weeks.

      2 – living close to the beach means you run a higher risk of ocean-related weather and natural disaster events. Flooding CAN happen inland too, but hurricanes do a lot less damage to places further away from the coast.

      There can be positives through. Southeast US is probably significantly cheaper than the urban northeast.

    18. Chauncy Gardener*

      Why don’t you either move closer to the beach or just go more often? I live in New England and we walk on the beach quite frequently year round. I’m about 40 minutes away from a beach, depending which one.

  14. Charlotte Lucas*

    What are some of your favorite films or TV shows that retell classic stories/books/plays from a fresh/different/modern perspective?

    Here’s a short list of what popped into my head (I will probably think of more later).

    Ball of Fire – A screwball comedy based on Snow White with Barbara Stanwyck as a gangster’s moll in hiding and Gary Cooper as the head of a group writing an encyclopedia. Instead of singing and cleaning house, she teaches them slang.

    Clueless – Best retelling of Jane Austen’s Emma.

    The Haunting of Hill House (TV series) – While I wasn’t crazy about the resolution in the final episode, I think this series was respectful of the source material while also turning it into an extended meditation on grief and loss.

    The Muppets’ Christmas Carol and Scrooged – Both great retellings for different reasons.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      Lizzie Bennet Diaries! In a way it’s the most accurate Pride and Prejudice adaptation. It’s very true to the characters and themes while modernizing it to be relatable to our current social norms. They also develop the sister relationships really well, especially Elizabeth and Lydia. I watched it as it was originally aired (on YouTube with fun social media character stuff too) and it was soooo good.

    3. Professor Plum*

      Moonlighting’s episode that is a retelling of The Taming of the Shrew.

      O Brother, Where Art Thou? is an adaptation of Homer’s Greek Epic, The Odyssey.

      Gregory Maguire’s books retell classic fairy tales with a twist. I read his book Wicked after seeing the musical on stage, and now of course there’s the new film in theaters. Can’t wait for part 2!

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Ten Things I Hate About You – Taming of the Shrew, set in a (Seattle) high school.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I think right around the same time as Ten Things there was also an Othello retelling, also with Julia Stiles?

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Muppet Treasure Island.

        I have heard it said that Muppet Christmas Carol was good because Michael Caine treated all the muppets like real actors, and Muppet Treasure Island was good because Tim Curry treated himself like a muppet.

        Speaking of Tim Curry – does Clue count as an adaptation of something?

      4. Dark Macadamia*

        I love this movie so much.

        Another one that I think is very underrated and I definitely didn’t realize it was a Twelfth Night adaptation when I watched it as a kid – the Disney channel movie Motocrossed!

      5. RC*

        I started watching that on streaming recently and was … disappointed about how it has aged relative to what teen-me remembered :\

      6. Jill Swinburne*

        I still love and adore that movie with the fire of a thousand suns. A couple of years ago I watched it with a bunch of 20-somethings, some of whom hadn’t even been born when it came out (where are my dentures?), and they enjoyed it. A couple of small things jarred, but overall it held up for them.

    6. bishbah*

      “Scotland, PA” is an interesting take on Macbeth as a black comedy. Maura Tierney is great in it.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, I love that one! And yes, Muara is fantastic–especially wearing that fab ’70s dress at the end.

    7. bishbah*

      It’s not modern in its setting, but “The Little Hours” did a good job of making stories from the Decameron feel fresh. Plus, Alison Brie, Aubrey Plaza and Kate Micucci? How could you not?

      1. CityMouse*

        Hadestown is a musical that tackles Orpheus and Eurydice as well as Persephone’s story.

        The BBC did a whole series of Shakespeare ReTold that’s worth checking out.

          1. Armchair Analyst*

            Well on that note I really enjoy “Upstart Crow” show from BBC, quite a re-imaging of Shakespeare’s life, usually in Stratford-upon-Avon, and each episode is a funny imagining of something that might have inspired one of his plays. It’s newer (2016+) so there are actors you recognize, too. Very fun and ridiculous

    8. Brevity*

      OMG Ball of Fire. It’s a good movie, and Barbara Stanwyk is a goddess; but my mother absolutely haaaaaaaaated “Drum Boogie”. Like, it became her code for the mediocre: “How was the dinner?” “Ugh, Drum Boogie.”

    9. Banana Pyjamas*

      Have you watched Abby Cox’s discussion about The Muppets’ Christmas Carol? It’s a favorite of mine.

    10. AL*

      I enjoyed The Fall of the House of Usher, which is based on the tales of Edgar Allen Poe – I thought it had a good balance of horror and camp.

      I’m also very bummed that KAOS wasn’t renewed for more seasons. It’s a bit of a modern take on Greek mythology, with a focus on Orpheus & Eurydice and King Minos & the Minotaur, with Jeff Goldblum playing Zeus.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I want to see that one! I Just Can’t with Haunting of Hill House, but that’s because it’s one of my very favorite books ever and I keep it in the “No Tinkering” part of my brain.

    11. allathian*

      Not quite a retellung but a sort of adaptation, Percy Jackson and the Olympians. My son loves the books by Rick Riordan. The teen characters are refreshingly played by a very talented bunch of actual teens.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I quite liked the recent series based on book 1; the earlier movie adaptation wasn’t well done.

        Just want to note for those who have an “eh” impression, it might be from the movie, which took out a lot of the details that made the books sing.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Bridget Jones’s Diary, loosely based on Pride and Prejudice. I like the book and its sequel even better than the films.

    13. Irish Teacher.*

      The Muppets’ Christmas Carol is amazing. It’s actually pretty faithful to the real thing while…also being hilarious and you know…Muppets.

    14. Fellow Traveller*

      I loved My Lady Jane (the book, I haven’t seen the series yet.), but it’s telling of the story of Lady Jane Grey. So much fun.

    15. Christmas Carol*

      A couple of episodes of The Monkees from the 60s:
      The Prince and the Pauper, with Davy Jones as the title character, and Fairy Tale, with Peter Tork rescuing Mike Nesmith as Princess Gwen.

    17. Film Prof*

      I am actually teaching a college class on this subject right now. It’s a lot of fun. Next week we’re diving into Pride and Prejudice, and yes, I’m showing Bridget Jones’s Diary and Fire Island (and many others).

    18. fluff*

      I discovered Wishbone as an adult.

      All classics retold from a heroic dog’s perspective. Wishbone, what’s the story?

      Plus the costuming department rocks.

    19. Ron McDon*

      I just watched the film Rosalind and really enjoyed it:

      “Rosaline” is a fresh and comedic twist on Shakespeare’s classic love story “Romeo & Juliet,” told from the perspective of Juliet’s cousin Rosaline (Kaitlyn Dever), who also happens to be Romeo’s recent love interest. Heartbroken when Romeo (Kyle Allen) meets Juliet (Isabela Merced) and begins to pursue her, Rosaline schemes to foil the famous romance and win back her guy. (from Rotten Tomatoes)

      I thought it was very funny (Kaitlyn Dever was particularly fabulous, as always), and it mixed modern dialogue and sensibilities with a Shakespearean setting and characters in a way I found fresh and entertaining rather than irritating, as some ‘modern takes’ can be!

  15. Aphrodite*

    Is anyone else a huge Jeopardy fan? I don’t own a television but watch it each night on YouTube. How do you think Ken is doing? It certainly seems to have change, which is not a bad thing. But the types of championship games, the pace of Ken’s speech, even the questions seem different somehow. I enjoy it, t just feels very different.

    1. Bookworm in Stitches*

      We’re (my husband and I) are huge fans. We like Ken as the host, very much so. He seems like a nice person without aiming to be a “big personality”. Alex was the same. Thank goodness.

      Speaking of Alex, we always have recorded Jeopardy in case we were late getting to the TV or missed a show when it was fun watching a current champion. I haven’t deleted the last month or so of Alex hosting.

      1. Donottry*

        We were just talking about this yesterday so funny exclamation point I have not watched Jeopardy in quite a long time, as I didn’t care for Bialik and I really don’t like Ken Jennings. I wish they had picked someone outside of the Jeopardy family, or if they were going to pick someone from Jeopardy I would’ve preferred Buzzy. I know he’s an acquired taste, but I think he would’ve given the levity and interest in the contestants that Ken seems unable to muster.

        But I also know that they had fired the producer at one point or he left Not exactly voluntarily and I believe Ken stepped in as a co-producer. So he probably got to call the shots. In any event, I haven’t watched it in quite a while and don’t plan to.

    2. CityMouse*

      So they have a new producer (after they fired the guy who tried to make himself host) and he’s responsible for a lot.kf the tournament changes and such. He also started putting box scores online. I think Ken has good rhythm now and gets through the episodes well.

      I do like the second chance tournament, in part because a friend of mine got to participate in it after losing a nail biter game to someone who went on to qualify for Tournament of Champions. I know people have mixed feelings on the Masters games but I do enjoy watching the big names come back. I have a soft spot for James because I was on maternity leave when he did his big run and watching him play was sort of something I could pencil in during those tough early days).

      You should read the recent Rolling Stone article, apparently they have figured out something like 14% of their viewers watch it on YouTube which is why they’re trying to get the daily episodes on streaming next season.

      2. Jules the First*

        I can watch jeopardy on youtube?!?! As an expat, it’s one of the few tv things I miss.

        1. CityMouse*

          Not officially. That’s why the show is trying to make it available on a streaming service. If you don’t have cable or an antenna it’s not currently possible to watch it officially.

          1. Clisby*

            Yes, not official and sometimes you can’t find every game, but youtube is the only way I can see it now. I haven’t had a TV in almost 30 years, and am not about to buy one just to watch Jeopardy.

      3. Clisby*

        I liked 2nd Chance too. I remember when they introduced Drew Goins as a journalist from Honolulu. Which is completely true, but I was like, “Drew Goins from the Washington Post?” I don’t think that was ever mentioned, but yep, it’s the Drew Goins from WaPo.

        1. SAF*

          I have been wondering what he will do, as TPTB at the Post are apparently mandating a full return to office.

    3. Boggle*

      Hubs and I started watching Jeopardy years ago, while I like Ken, it’s still odd when Johnny introduces him because I was so used to hearing Alex’ name. There are some categories I really enjoy and do well with, and hubs is the same, but usually different categories. We tape the episode if we aren’t available to watch (together) during its regular scheduled time. Love, love, love Jeopardy.

  16. Marie*

    Does anyone have any dish towel recommendations? I bought some from Target and Kohl’s, but they seem to repel water.

    2. KayDee*

      I have noticed recently when shopping for dish towels for myself that a lot of them are a cotton/poly blend. I prefer 100% cotton for absorbency. And don’t use fabric softener when you launder your towels, kitchen or bath, and they will be much more absorbent. Just anecdotally, I bought some towels from Costco a whole back and at first they seemed to repel water, but after being washed a few times they became very absorbent. Don’t know if there was some kind of sizing or treatment on them or what, but maybe give your towels a few washes to see if that helps?

    3. Pyanfar*

      Cloth diapers…according to my mother, best to use them as dish towels once the babies are out of diapers.

    5. Higher-ed Jessica*

      I haaaaate those linen-y ones that are so decorative and utterly unabsorbent. In my opinion the first and most important function of a towel is to be absorbent, and it’s called a dish TOWEL for a reason!

      I have been using these long enough to recommend them highly:
      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010GHN2LU/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1
      They’re absorbent, 100% cotton, are wearing well, come in several color/design variations on a basic theme, and are (imo) attractive.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This! My towels get USED and any pretty designs are obliterated quickly. I like a nice looking towel, but it has to dry first and foremost, not pose in an art gallery.

    6. Alex*

      Are they microfiber? I don’t like microfiber. I like 100% cotton towels that are flat woven. Brand doesn’t really matter. I think mine are from TJ max or Marshalls or someplace like that.

      2. Marie*

        Are you talking about the “Williams Sonoma Classic Stripe Towels”? (Just want to make sure I’m looking at the correct item.)

      3. OxfordBlue*

        Those got a great review from the Gear Heads at America’s Test Kitchen on their YouTube channel. The dishtowels are the last reviewed item in the “The Best Kitchen Cleaning Tools & Tips For 2023” video.
        I happened across it while scrolling a few days ago and so your comment rang a bell, good to know that the review is accurate too.

    10. Silent E*

      New towels often have a coating on them, so that’s probably what’s causing them to repel water. I’ve had luck with running them through the wash before use. If you’ve done that and they are still not absorbent, try washing them again, and add 1 cup of white vinegar to the washing machine’s fabric softener dispenser – that seems to remove the coating on the new towels (this has worked for me for bath towels, too). Some places on the internet suggest running the towels through the wash twice: first with the cup of white vinegar, then with half a cup of baking soda and no detergent the second time. Never use fabric softener on towels because that will put a waxy coating on them that repels water, too. Good luck!

    11. CityMouse*

      I got some from Sur La Table as part of a bonus when I bought a cake pan and I like those a lot.

    12. English Rose*

      I would say always get 100% linen but find that whichever brand I get they’re better if they’re laundered on a hot wash before using for the first time. And I iron my dish towels (we call them tea towels in the Uk btw). Is that too much??

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If ironing your tea towels makes you happy, and you’re not lecturing other folks for not doing it, you do you. :)

      2. Jules the First*

        Ironing the dishtowels, table napkins, and pillow cases was one of my first independent chores as a child. As I got bigger, my mum added the tablecloths and sheets too. Funnily enough, this was one of those chores that stopped being done when I moved out…it turns out my mum wasn’t that bothered about it but it did helpfully absorb me in one spot for a chunk of uninterrupted time. As an adult, I don’t iron anything except sewing projects, but ahead of big family dinners you can find me and my brother in law in the basement quietly working our way through a stack of wrinkled table linen and sheets while chaos rules upstairs…

    13. Dinwar*

      I second the cloth diaper recommendation. We have a few from when the kids were babies (thoroughly washed! My wife and I both did environmental sampling, so we know how to decon) and they work really well.

      Also, don’t wash towels with fabric softener. Sure, they show it on all the adds. But the reality is that fabric softener puts a coating that repels water on the clothing. Not so bad if it’s a shirt you plan to wear on a rainy day, but it defeats the purpose of a towel.

      My favorite option for dishes, though, is the drying rack. Why go through the effort of drying things when they’ll naturally do that on their own?

    15. WFH4VR*

      Go to yard sales and craigslist and buy old “tea towels” which are actually linen, and dry everything to a polish.

    16. ronda*

      depending on what you are using them for:
      swedish dishcloths.
      very absorbent but not the dish towel size I am used to

  17. Bookworm in Stitches*

    I want to do a hot cocoa bar! My plans so far are mini marshmallows, chocolate dipped spoons, a bottle of Irish Crème, mini gingerbread cookies that can hang off the sides of the mugs, and candy canes. What else would be fun to include?

    1. Jay*

      I love Rumchata in hot cocoa, also Rumple Mintz peppermint schnapps.
      Gingersnaps are great. If, by some minor miracle, you have access to Moravian spice gingersnaps, they are wonderful with hot cocoa.
      Home made whipped cream, especially vanilla whipped cream.
      Cinnamon sticks.
      Try making it with cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice.

    2. Professor Plum*

      My first thought is to have a variety of bases:
      Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate.

    3. HannahS*

      Definitely a big bowl of whipped cream (or a canister, if that’s easier!) Maybe some spices or flavourings? Like peppermint flavouring, pumpkin spice blend, chili pepper.

    4. Fifi*

      I just did one of these for work! In addition to your great add-ons, we got sprinkles and whipped cream. Also got some of the cocoa with chili spices (haven’t tasted it yet) along with vegan and gluten free.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Seconded!

        Also, do you just want suggestions for what to put IN the hot chocolate, or sides? For the latter I recommend those yummers cookies that melt in your mouth–they’re usually round with a dusting of powdered sugar?

    6. GreySuit (they/them)*

      If no allergies, provide peanut butter! A spoonful in my hot chocolate makes it taste like liquid Reese’s, I love it.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Make some of the cocoa not very sweet and provide coffee syrups for sweetness/flavouring. Peppermint syrup is excellent, anything nut-like (hazelnut, almond), maybe raspberry. It’s also a nice add in if you want flavour but no alcohol. Alternatively, a bit of baking extract (vanilla, peppermint, almond, etc.) adds flavour but no sweetness.

      If it’s for a big group, I might include some hot matcha milk for those who aren’t chocolate fans.

      Maybe some biscotti for dipping?

    8. Martin Blackwood*

      Caramel sauce! to stir in or drizzle on top of whipped cream all photogenic. I have a container of Turtles(tm) that recommends rimming the mug with caramel and chocolate bits which seems like a Lot more work, but its An Option.

    10. Nihil Scio*

      Try grating different kinds of chocolate
      I grated my leftover toblerones and Terry’s chocolate oranges and mixed them with cocoa and brown sugar
      You could do a ‘tasting’

    11. Pam Adams*

      we set it up for the holidays. Peppermint marshmallows are great, as are the new peppermint holiday Peeps. We got a special pot to heat the milk, and have multiple hot chocolate types.

    13. Past Lurker*

      Some people like to pair cheese (like Gouda) with hot chocolate. A family member adds it right into the cup so that it melts. I’ve never tried it though.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Whipped cream. Chocolate shavings.
      Flavorings like vanilla, almond, hazelnut, pistachio, raspberry…. these let someone allergic to chocolate or just not into it have a hot flavored milk drink anyway.

      If you can, a frother of some sort could be fun.

    17. CanadaGoose*

      Sounds amazing! And also terribly sweet…personally, I’d appreciate having a decadent milk base (eg whole cows milk) that I can add things to as I please. If that what you’re already planning, then it’s likely to work well for lots of folks, though a vegan alternative is also often appreciated.

    18. Maotseduck*

      Flavored marshmallows if you can find them. A couple of times in college I made orange marshmallows and they were amazing with brownies and hot chocolate.

  18. MozartBookNerd*

    One quick followup please, from last week’s great thread last week on password manager apps!

    Am I really dumb to be just listing my passwords in a simple Word file, on my day to day Mac laptop?

    My passwords themselves are strong and non-duplicative. I like using just a simple Word file because it lets me also notate related info. (For example security questions and their answers; which e-mail account the two-factor identification message goes to; what’s a good poorly-publicized customer support phone number; etc.) A lot of that related info changes over the months and years, so writing it all down in classic hard copy format isn’t great for me.

    From what was said last week I’m sure my approach is really naïve — but how come, exactly? It seems really far-fetched to me that a hacker would be interested in getting “inside” my paltry laptop. Isn’t hacking much more focused on big sites? And regarding password managers, ugh, I dislike software in general and a password manager would be “software about software” which makes me a little dizzy and frankly even kinda sad. . . . :-|

    1. strawberry lemonade*

      I’m not an expert, but password managers are good because they make it way way way easier to have good passwords—strong ones without a system or duplication.

      What you’re relying on is security-by-obscurity, ie that the dice of fate will roll in such a way that you’re not targeted. The problem is, you’re not facing a small group of nefarious hackers carefully choosing their targets. You’re facing an array of people who cast scamming nets extremely widely—for example there are numerous scams (like, “you have a problem with your computer, click this link to get help”) that will grant someone remote access to your computer, and yes, they will look for passwords.txt. Bank account info is nice to retrieve, but also just a login to an instagram account can be sold. And, literally anyone can fall for a scam—just has to find you on the right day.

      Basically, while a password manager is not an automatic shield of safety, it does help on multiple levels—first making your passwords good, next making a compromise a little less impactful (hopefully).

    2. Reba*

      Well, a password manager will let you keep all those notes, too. Something else I really appreciate about using 1password is that it syncs so I can get my logins on my phone, or via web when I’m on a work computer, and I’m not tied to the info in one place.

      Is your laptop password protected? In that case, and if it always stays at home, you do you.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Who you really need to be worried about is anyone who might have access to your laptop when you’re not around. A friend had a dog sitter/neighbor access her bank from her laptop and take a couple thousand. A cousin of mine had an adult child with a gambling addiction empty her accounts.
      It’s not just random anonymous hackers you need to be concerned about.

      1. o_gal*

        But that’s an “Evil Maid” scenario. If she protects her laptop so it requires authentication to get in, and makes sure that she locks her laptop every time she’s away from it, that makes it a little bit harder for people to access the file.

        As someone with Security+ and CASP certifications, I’d say you were playing with fire. It may end up being safe, or if you do fall prey to a scheme where someone gets remote access to your laptop, then you’re sunk. If you are going to do this, then bury that file a number of layers deep in your file system. Then name it someone weird like “UncleAlRemindersMedication.txt”. And see if you can put something other than the actual passwords in there – come up with a scheme for naming them. Such as, if you are going to use “CorrectHorseBatteryStaple!23” put in “XKCDwithbangnumberofgenes”.

    4. Aphrodite*

      I have all of mine in an Excel sheet that includes columns for the site name, login, password, secret questions and other things that may be needed. The document itself is locked under its own complicated 18-character password that makes sense only toe me. (My executor has the password.) I know it’s not as good as a password manager but I prefer it.

      1. Ashley*

        I have the excel sheet as well. Most of the important passwords are in code that I and my partner know. I never lost my bank password on anything. There are a few that are strictly memorization.
        Also the file isn’t called passwords to slow someone down if they did get on my computer.

        1. Sloanicota*

          This is what I do. I have the passwords saved in places that are not that secure, but there is a very basic simple code I use to make sure that the actual thing in the file is not the password itself.

        2. Mutually supportive*

          The search engines within computers are powerful now and trawl the content of files, not just the names. So someone can search your computer document library for “netflix” and bring up the file “not passwords.doc” b fair it says netflix in it!

      2. Harlowe*

        I also use an excel sheet (technically an excel tab, inside an excel document that is used to inventory my collection of books and vinyl). It lives on my hard drive and on two back-up thumb drives in my safe. Nowhere online.

        I just don’t trust password managers. If I were a hacker, I would be throwing everything I had at those sites, because they’re the motherlode.

        1. David*

          Hackers *are* throwing everything they have at the password manager sites. At least, the ones who haven’t realized that password managers are *extremely* difficult targets (and also the ones who are employed by the password manager companies to find their own weaknesses). Password managers are specifically designed to resist everything the hackers have to throw, and for the most part they are doing that.

          Obviously password managers are not 100% immune to being hacked, but most hackers who are in it to steal passwords eventually realize that it’s much much easier to get what they want by tricking non-technical people into giving up their passwords with phony emails or phone calls or fake tech support scams or so on.

    5. Double A*

      If the document is backed up on the cloud, it could be vulnerable. If it’s not backed up on the cloud, the how is it backed up and what would happen if the computer it’s stored on died? Do you save, for example, a thumb drive with a back up in a safe deposit box? This would still need to updated periodically.

      1. La*

        I recently started using a password manager too (yes, hacking was involved and it is going to take forever to fix things – I actually have zero hope of changing all passwords because there are just SO MANY, so I tried doing triage) – but my complaint is none that I could find work on kindles. if anyone knows one that does, please let me know.

        1. Roland*

          Like a Fire tablet? If none of the major ones support it, I don’t think it would be a good idea to download some smaller unknown one. I would use Firefox or Chrome’s built in manager at that point I think – the internet says those browsers are supported, but I haven’t used a Fire tablet since they were a prototype so idk for sure. (Or just type in passwords, depending on what you’re doing on there and how often.)

        2. Mutually supportive*

          I’m the OP from the thread last week and I sympathise – there are SO MANY sites/accounts that have passwords!

      2. Sloanicota*

        Yeah, my stupid computer came with a bunch of cloud defaults and is really sneaky about reverting to “one drive” when I don’t want it to. You tell it to save to desktop and it saves to user/onedrive/desktop. That means hackers who get access to one drive, perhaps through no fault of my own, have all the info, plus I assume onedrive casually scans everything to feed ai / advertising too.

    6. Sara K*

      Apart from what other have already said you can set it up so you have access to a password manager from multiple devices. I have mine set up on my work laptop, my home computer, ipad and my phone. So if I am out and about using my phone I still have access to my passwords if I need them.

      I also use mine for other secure information like bank account information and passport number. Basically anything I want to be secure but also accessible quickly.

      Password managers are kind of like little secure databases so you can absolutely set them up to hold notes and other information associated with that particular username / password combo

    7. guerilla agile*

      Not at all. The advantage of password managers is in having access on multiple devices, quick password generators, organization. handy backup. I like the auto fill feature, since I inevitably miss type something.

      But as we learned from LastPass, you have to trust the company too. If the Word file is password protected in case your computer gets stolen, it’s not less secure than any other software.

      The basics of security are what is important: Long random passwords because the hackers just automate trying dictionary words and simple variations in an automated way until the get lucky. Unique passwords per site so that when a company is hacked, the hacker can’t use the info elsewhere. And making sure only you have access to the passwords. A locked piece of paper works and what was recommended before password managers became a thing.

    8. Busy Middle Manager*

      You are not dumb, I often refer to my paper list of passwords. The issue with password managers is that they also have passwords. I got locked out of LastPass and it was a PITA to get back in. Ended up writing that password down on paper anyway to avoid another run around of sending me codes that never came through and saying my security questions were wrong etc.

    9. Kay*

      I have a hard copy in a spiral bound notebook so I can tear out pages as the information becomes obsolete. Some of it is written in partial code and has a few intro pages of junk so it isn’t some notebook screaming pick me either.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah I write mine down in a sort of code; shorthand. Even when people are trained to write in shorthand, they can’t usually read other people’s shorthand so I feel pretty safe.

    10. Peanut Hamper*

      I use a password card so I can write down my passwords without actually writing down my passwords. Check passwordcard dot org.

    11. zyx*

      One big advantage of using a password manager is that it will autofill for you on the website where your password should go, but it won’t autofill in other places. That means if you end up on a shady site that looks just like your bank login page, for example, it won’t fill in your password, which gives you an opportunity to realize you’re being phished.

    12. MozartBookNerd*

      OP here. My life doesn’t expose me to an Evil Maid or Substance Abusing Nephew scenario. And the computer is locked and the file is not on the Cloud. And I’m quite alert about phishy phunny business.

      So tentatively, maybe I’m not quite so monumentally bone-headed as I feared I might be. Much appreciating the comments of “you’re not dumb” and the qualified “you be you.”

      In the meantime this is all great input and please keep it coming. The line between thinking and overthinking is so elusive sometimes, innit!

      1. Qwerty*

        You’ll also want to password protect this specific file – Microsoft has a way to do it locally for Word/Excel products. That protects you in case anyone else ever uses your computer or it gets stolen.

        Probably best to also make sure the filename doesn’t indicate what the contents are so that a bad actor is less likely to notice it too.

      2. strawberry lemonade*

        You’re not dumb, but smart people also fall for phishing scams. I care a lot about this, because the more we say “it really helps to be aware of phishing and scams, but everyone CAN still fall for them,” the less shame people will feel when a scam gets them on a bad day.

        It’s an area where it’s helpful, in my opinion, to set up a few safeguards with the mindset, “when I get scammed, what will I be happy my past self did?” For me, that is already using a password manager, generally using 2fa, and having my credit frozen. Those things make my current life more convenient, and they’ll do at least a little bit to mitigate my risk if I get got.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Whatever method you choose please record your device login as well as site logins. And consider filing a copy of the notebook (or the password to your password manager) with your will.

        My late husband did not do this and we still haven’t gotten into everything after a year — including his laptop. It’s a very expensive brick.

    13. CuriousLemur*

      How do we know we can trust the password managers? What if someone hacks them? What if someone who works at a company that creates password managers finds a way to get people’s passwords?

      1. Sara K*

        Reputable password managers are encrypted. Nothing is stored in the clear in anyway that any random person who works in the company can access.

        Everything can be hacked but the likelihood might be very small. The point of security is to balance risks (of hacking, of breaches, etc) with other factors to get to a point where you as an individual are comfortable. There are risks to **not** having a secure way of managing or generating your passwords (re-using passwords, writing them on sticky notes, keeping them in an unencrypted passwords.txt file on a computer that is connected to the internet, etc) and these also need to be part of your risk management decision.

    14. Just a different redhead*

      One reason my husband uses KeePass is that it’s locally stored on your computer (or wherever you put it), not anywhere on the Internet, so not only does it store them plus whatever you name and note on them, but it’s got the encryption patterns of a password manager and is still only accessible from your own computer.

      I described in the previous thread that I use patterns and keep a document of hints in an Excel file. They wouldn’t make sense to anyone who is not me. None of them are actual passwords. I’ve just had it drilled for so long “no plain text passwords anywhere” it would make me feel terribly uncomfortable to put them anywhere. Tbh I’ve had enough trouble resetting a few important things where the pattern differs by this point that I’ll probably start using KeePass myself though.

      If you do need to keep the Word file system for now, I would suggest as others have a) make sure it never accidentally saves/backs up online or somewhere you aren’t 100% aware of so you can make sure that *backup* never gets online either, never email it to yourself etc., b) make sure it’s named something not related to passwords at all, c) password-protect the file itself.

  19. Anonymous Cat*

    I have a question for the coin collectors!

    My grandparents bought some mint proof sets of coins in the 90s and the sets have been in a box for years. How do I find out if they’re worth anything?

    I thought these probably are like mass-produced collectibles that aren’t really worth much, but if I take them to a coin shop, I expect they’ll know I’m an amateur and lowball me.

    I’d like to at least get as much money as my grandparents spent so they come out even.

    Does anyone know how amateurs handle this?

    (In case you’re wondering, my grandparents aren’t able to deal with stuff like this and are fine with me handling it.)

    1. MM*

      Look on eBay for the exact same coins and see what they are listed for. Then realize that is the selling price, so if you take them to a dealer they will need to offer you less so they can make a profit.

      When searching on eBay, there are a lot of similar coins so be sure you are comparing the same coin.

      Two things that will affect their worth, are they graded? If so do they still have their original packaging? If they are not graded, are they still in their original packaging?

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        If not packaged, make sure they are NOT cleaned unless it’s by a professional! Scrubbing an antique coin can remove patinas and other things that increase its value.

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      Mint proof sets aren’t really going to be worth much. There are just too many of them out there.

      The three factors that affect the price of an antique or collectible are:

      1) Scarcity – how difficult is it to get your hands on one?
      2) Quality – is it in good shape? Value declines precipitously with quality. Even a few minor issues can cut the value by half. (This rule does not apply if you find a first edition Edgar Allan Poe. It does apply in the case of a first edition Ernest Hemingway, however, due to factor #1.)
      3) Demand – how much do people want to buy this? Is this an item people are actually looking to buy, or is it going to sit on a dealer’s shelf for a decade before somebody actually looks at it?

      I once ran into a young couple who were saving wheat pennies as a college fund for their (then) baby. They asked me how many I thought they would need and I told them about ten million, because a wheat cent is worth exactly one penny. There are simply too many of them out there and because they were in general circulation, most of them are in pretty awful condition. And nobody really collects them. They might get one from each year they were produced and that’s about it.

      This is also why JFK items can be had pretty cheap. After he was assasinated, lots (and I mean tons) of commemorative items were produced. They’re not difficult to get your hands on, but most people don’t want them any more unless they have some kind of personal connection to JFK. (In fact, I would say this is true of most presidential commemorative items. They get bought up in a faddish sort of way when the president gets elected, but that’s just the excitement of the moment. They don’t really hold any value, and often end up in a tag sale a few years later for pennies on the dollar.)

      So yes, you can expect to get a very low value from a coin shop, because of the reasons above. Most coin shops that get decent traffic see people coming in with these things on a regular basis, thinking they’re going to get a fortune for them, and then walking away disappointed.

      1. Anonymous Cat*

        I think they bought these as an investment so I’m just sick at the idea they actually lost money.

        1. nonprofit director*

          I want to second what Peanut Hamper wrote.

          My mother-in-law purchased many of those coin sets for a lot of money, including presidential coin sets, far beyond face value. My husband inherited her coins when she died, I inherited them when he died. I recently educated myself about coins and sold them to a coin shop. I went to a coin shop because I wanted to make it easy on myself, not maximize what I might get for the coins. I felt very lucky to get what I got for them; I got more than face value, but not much more. My husband held onto a lot of old, random coins, which I also sold; I actually got $0.02 for each wheat penny!

          I, too, was angry and sick that my mother-in-law spent that money, thinking she was passing on something of value to her heirs.

          1. WellRed*

            This is so true of so much stuff that gets passed on. With the exception of the obviously valuable, do yourselves a favor and make it easy to get rid of stuff. It’s nit worth it otherwise.

            1. ThatGirl*

              After my husband’s grandparents passed, his dad gave us a bunch of Emmett Kelly Jr clown figurines they’d collected, asking us to sell them for him and split the profits. Someone had told him they’d be worth a few grand. They were not. I think there was maybe one that would’ve netted us $50 but it was so heavy it was hardly worth the shipping. So I had to break the news to my FIL and they ended up at goodwill.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I have a buffalo head nickel that I once googled hoping to sell, only to find the most I could make was about five dollars.

    3. Generic Name*

      When you say “proof sets of coins” does that mean they are legal tender or not? If they are legal tender, hopefully they paid no more than face value, since that’s likely what they are worth today.

      2. Anonymous Cat*

        They come in a plastic case that keeps them nice but would have to be removed to use them as money.

        Some of them have higher metal amounts than coins for daily use like extra silver so theoretically they’re worth more than face value.

        So I wonder if coin shops turn around and sell them to be melted down.

    4. Seashell*

      Regarding ebay, click on Advanced and search only for completed or sold items. That will give you the ones that actually sold or what people asked for ones that didn’t sell, so you can if sellers were asking too much.

      I would also see if anyone was selling a similar item on Facebook marketplace, Craig’s List, Nextdoor, etc. There also might be coin collecting groups on Facebook, Reddit, etc. where people can give you an idea of what they’re worth.

  20. KristinaL*

    Recommendations for a camera and a scanner?

    I’ve got a small camera (can carry it in my pocket) with great zoom, but it’s several years old, and I think I can find a camera with great zoom that also deals better with movement instead of blurring on it.

    I’d like to be able to scan pictures that are 9 inches by 12 inches. I’ve got a huge old scanner that has a printer (the printer no longer works), and it would save so much room if I had a slim scanner that I could store easily on a shelf.

    Any suggestions? I’ve heard Sony is a good camera brand.

    Thanks!

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      You can probably get better images out of that same camera if you know a little better how to use it. A fancier, newer camera won’t fix most causes of blurry photos!
      Image blur happens at slower shutter speeds and can be from your subject moving or from you moving (or both). When the light is low, the camera makes the shutter speed slow to have more time for enough light to hit the sensor.
      So there are three possible solutions:
      1. Add more light. If you can use a flash, add more light in other ways (turn a lamp on in a dim room, etc.)
      2. Increase the ISO setting on your camera. This makes the sensor more sensitive and can give you faster shutter speeds. However, there’s a tradeoff: the image might be noisy (grainy looking) because of that sensitivity.
      3. Stabilize the camera and/or the subject. A tripod works if the source of movement is you. Does nothing if the blur is from the subject moving. If you can get your subject to stay still, that would help. (In the early days of portrait photography, people had to stand still and sometimes have their head clamped to a stand. Not recommended.) If you’re shooting flowers and can have someone hold the step just out of frame, or block the wind, etc those might help.

      1. KristinaL*

        Thanks! I noticed that my phone’s camera does better with not blurring, but my regular camera has more zoom. My phone is fairly new, so I assumed its technology deals with it better. I’ll try those things.

        Sometimes I’m taking pictures of animals, and they move a lot.

        1. Workerbee*

          I switch to video on my phone, hold myself as steady as I can (I don’t usually carry a tripod), then extract frames later for still images.

    2. Lady Alys*

      I did a family photo scanning project a few years ago and bought the “Canon CanoScan Lide 400 Slim Scanner, 7.7″ x 14.5″ x 0.4″ for under US$100 and I’ve been very pleased with it. I store it in an old laptop sleeve when not in use, as it has quite a slim profile. It accommodates only up to US letter/A4 so many not be quite big enough for what you need, though. (Anything wider than 8.5” seems to jump to “large format” category which also means “large price” category…)

    3. AcademiaNut*

      So for blurring with motion, what’s happening is that the exposure is too long, so you get movement as the picture is being taken. To get crisp, non-blurred motion shots, you need shorter exposures. But that means less light is going into the camera, so the pictures are darker.

      There are three ways to fix this. One is making the detector more sensitive – you can fiddle with the ISO settings in your camera, and push for a higher ISO. Putting the ISO too high (some cameras will go to 6400) can result in grainy, noisy looking images, however. You can add light – so a flash (or turning on the lights indoors). This will be less useful for outdoor action shots. You can also use a lens that gathers more light, so a larger (wider) lens, which makes it harder to fit in your pocket. I’d see what you can do with the ISO, or see if your camera has an action mode, before getting a new one. If you’re zooming while doing action shots that decreases the amount of light that lands on the detector as well, so action shots can work better unzoomed.

      Good zoom on an in pocket camera is mostly software, because you need a larger (longer) lens to get bigger optical zooms.

  21. PollyQ*

    Looking for recommendations for chair yoga or standing yoga videos. Free is obviously ideal, but I’m willing to spend a little money, especially if it means no ads.

    Thanks!

    1. tangerineRose*

      This isn’t a specific recommendation, but you might try checking some out from a nearby library. Some libraries have it set up so you can borrow stuff from any library in the county, and it will be delivered to your local library. That way you can find out what you like for free.

    3. LGP*

      Yoga with Adriene! She has a few chair videos and more standing videos. And even in ones that don’t fit that criteria, she often talks about modifications you can do to make them more accessible. Basically whatever type of yoga you’re looking for, she probably has it.

      1. Evvy*

        I love Yoga with Adriene!! I am NOT a person to whom yoga practice comes easily and her 5 minute yoga and Yoga at Your Desk videos have actually got me to do yoga (!) a couple times a week without stressing about it! She has vids of all lengths on her channel.

        1. Be the Change*

          It’s okay to have a minority opinion. :-)

          I keep wondering if the dog is still around, some of her videos are 9 or 10 yrs old at this point.

          1. LGP*

            Her first ever video is from 2012, so it’s actually been about 12 years! Back then, she had a dog named Blue, who passed away in 2014 I believe. Then that Christmas, she got Benji, who is her current dog and still going strong. :)

      4. Healthcare Worker*

        Yoga with Adriene on YouTube is great! I love her chair yoga, very gentle and a good stretch. You can also subscribe to her free channel, and she will send you regular updates. I also like chair Yoga with Kassandra on YouTube, she’s also very good.

        1. Donottry*

          We only do chair yoga on YouTube as we don’t do anything in group classes. There’s a number of people we really like, depending on our mood and whether we want something gentle or more active.
          yoga pantry – a young woman from New Zealand, who actually has a zoom class on Sundays that we occasionally attend.

          Yoga 77 – also from New Zealand and very gentle.

          Yoga with Kassandra – combination of chair and standing classes ranging from easy to strenuous.
          Bea Yoga – I don’t know if all of hers are chair yoga, but we do a number of them that are.

          Jody yoga – lots of videos, including ones you can do from your bed, and a chair, standing or lying down.

  22. Going to New Zealand!*

    In early November, I am going to New Zealand! I am going on a two week organized tour of LOTR filming locations that will include stops on both islands. I am so excited! I am looking for feedback on a couple of things:

    1. I’m flying from the West Coast of the USA to Auckland. For people who have made that trek in particular, is it better to plan to arrive a day earlier than my tour starts? (Just in case)

    2. How soon should I plan to book my flights? (Probably ASAP)

    3. Feedback on booking the sky couch on Air NZ?

    4. Any advice on how to dress that time of year if I’ll be spending a decent amount of time outside (though not all day every day)?

    5. Any other tips?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      Based on general long-haul travel experience, arrive a day earlier. That will give you a buffer for delays or late luggage, and you’ll be exhausted when you arrive, so a bit of extra sleep can help. Try to stay on local time as much as possible while adapting to jet-lag, though.

      1. CTT*

        I would even recommend two days earlier – the potential for delays plus not feeling at 100% due to jet lag is high.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        When oldest was going back and forth between Europe and the US she recommended making sure to eat on the new framework, since that is a signal to your body of what time it is.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      How exciting! My experience with New Zealand at a similar time of year is that the weather can be all over the place. In deciding what to wear, consider what part of the country you’re going to be in. For instance, the North Island is substantially warmer and tropical. At the southern tip of the South Island, you may need to wear thermals.

      As context, my trip to the South Island was focused on being in wilderness for days on end and often at elevation. It snowed on us in the mountains and when kayaking in Milford Sound, we were in cold rain. However, walking around town we were sometimes in our shirt sleeves or with a fleece jacket over it.

      If you’re going to locations where the movies were filmed, it sounds like you’re going to be in all kinds of locales. My suggestion for figuring out clothing is to ask the tour company for their packing list. I’m sure they’ve got that dialed in.

      1. Going to New Zealand!*

        Thank you! This is all very helpful. Yeah, asking the tour company for suggestions is probably a good idea.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Oh that sounds so awesome! Hope you have such a great trip! Huge LotR fan and would LOVE to do something like this one day :)

    4. KeinName*

      I did this in 2003, self-guided with a book and a 2nd hand van. Was lovely! Absolutely arrive with plenty of time before tour. You’ll be jet lagged, possibly have to go shopping for forgotten items, get snacks for the trip, explore Auckland, sample local cuisine.
      My tips will all be 20 years out of date (last time I went was 2010):
      – Hell‘s Pizza
      – Burger Fuel
      – warmed lemon poppyseed muffins with yoghurt (they used to give dollops of yoghurt with any muffin, and warm anything you)
      – maybe buy yourself some adventure clothing as souvenirs, they have the best outdoor stuff, with merino wool

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        Hell Pizza has gone way downhill. It was great in 2003 but now they’re really just a marketing stunt that sells expensive and average pizza :-( Burgerfuel is still pretty good, but also expensive for what it is. Actually that pretty generally applies to NZ!

        1. KeinName*

          Oh thanks for the update. The pizzas were so delicious and like nothing we had at home, and the little sarcophagus for leftovers was so cute. But fantastic to hear burgerfuel is still around.
          In 2003, NZ had a lot of stuff we didn’t have, like cheap sushi, lots of barista coffee places, these nice small cafes with the large salad bowls to put together, and the kumara fries and gourmet burgers, and all seemed quite high quality. Is it not like that anymore you would say?

          1. Jill Swinburne*

            Nah, there’s still a lot of that, but Hell expanded and franchised, and there was a marked decline in quality after that. There are still many great cafes! (Obviously the sector has taken a hit thanks to covid, though.)

      2. Going to New Zealand!*

        Thank you! Yes, having a day to regroup before joining the tour sounds like a good idea. Definitely looking forward to buying wool clothing there.

    5. Jill Swinburne*

      I suggest bringing lots of layers for November, particularly for the South Island. I live in a city near Hobbiton and November can be pleasantly warm, but also can be chilly. Classic changeable spring weather, sometimes in a single day. So bring a raincoat for sure, and light layers you can pull on or off as the weather demands. The South Island will definitely be colder, as will Wellington, so I’d suggest a warm jacket, possibly down if you have one. And good walking shoes.

      And yes, I would give yourself a day or two on the ground before your tour. You’ll probably be jetlagged (set your watch to NZ on the plane and try to sleep and have your meals at destination times) and you want to get the most out of your time. There’s loads to keep you busy in Auckland for a day. The art gallery in particular is great.

      Other tips: we don’t (generally) tip here! Most restaurants and cafes have a jar by the counter for loose change etc when you go up and pay (you don’t normally ask for the bill/check unless it’s somewhere really fancy) and sometimes there’s an option to leave a tip on the machine, but most locals would really prefer it didn’t become a thing.

      Usual other things apply, like taking care of your valuables. If someone greets you with ‘kia ora’ (hello) or ‘morenaa’ (good morning) saying it back will be appreciated, but otherwise you don’t have to stress about learning Maaori phrases. (I’ve seen people online tie themselves in knots worrying about this.)

      Have an amazing trip!

      1. Going to New Zealand!*

        Thank you very much! I am so excited to visit and experience your country!

        I get cold easily, so it definitely sounds like I’ll need to pack plenty of layers. Good to know about tipping! Regarding money, should I expect to use cash regularly or would I use my card? (I’m thinking of when I visit family in Sweden, where they are a mostly cashless society.)

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          Most places, particularly in cities and tourist spots, will accept card. You will almost certainly have to pay a surcharge for credit card or paywave (what NZ calls contactless), usually in the region of 2 percent. So factor that in – in the absence of a New Zealand bank card I’d be inclined to have a little cash, but also to be aware that some really really small places (coffee carts and the like) may be cashless. You’ll find ATMs easily.

    6. FanciestCat*

      I was just in NZ for most of November this year.

      1) All the flight available to me from SFO were overnight flights so they got into Auckland in the morning. I’d recommend trying to stay up until 6pm or so but stick to light things that day since you’ll be exhausted. Also, getting early check in or booking the hotel for the night before is so worth it to shower after the flight. We got lucky with early check in.

      2) I booked mine in May and there were plenty of seats, but once you know for sure that you’re going and when I don’t see any reason to wait. The flights were basically full when we were on them.

      3) Nope, didn’t do that .

      4) Prepare for all seasons, especially if you’re going to both islands and varying elevations. We experienced humidity, rain and heat in the North Island, while it was cooler and more temperate on the South Island, and cold at high elevations on the South Island. We brought suitcases that were close to the max size allowed (one each) and duffle bags for our carry ons that fit under the seats. I’d also recommend Air Pockets, they were so useful.

      1. FanciestCat*

        Double checked and they’re called Airplane Pockets. You put them over the tray table and they give you a bunch of pockets to store stuff in during the flight.

    7. Janesfriend*

      Exciting! I live in Auckland so if you have any specific qu’s, happy to answer. In the meantime:

      1. Yes, definitely arrive a day early. Jetlag can be brutal and a day, or two, to recover is a Very Good Idea. I’d get the ferry from the bottom of Queen St to Devonport or Rangitoto Island (depending on how energetic you feel), or go to the museum or the art gallery, or walk up Mt Eden for the amazing view of Auckland.

      2. I book early, but that’s just because I like to have it ticked off the list. I think one of the websites (google flights, maybe) tells you if the current prices are good or bad (better or worse than average) for the time of year so maybe check there.

      3. Depends on your needs/wants. If you can’t sleep in a normal airline seat and you can get a sky couch at a good price I’d do it, but I find flying miserable if I can’t sleep. They are fairly comfortable. Though they are not great if you are especially tall, as either your head or legs will be in the aisle to be bashed by those walking past. Less of an issue if you are shorter or like to scrunch. Also less of an issue if you’re flying through daylight and don’t want to sleep.

      4.Early November is spring so could be a wide variety of weather and temperatures. Unlikely to be freezing but I’d bring a warm and water proof jacket, but it’s not like winter in Montana -20C kind of temps. And NZ does have good outdoor clothes (lots of merino wool) so you can always buy stuff here.

      5. New Zealanders, in general, are pretty friendly and like to help. Just ask if you need some info.

      Hope you have a fabulous trip.

      1. Going to New Zealand!*

        Thank you! The consensus seems to be to arrive early so I’ll definitely be doing that. Not sure how much energy I’ll have for sightseeing but certainly want to try. I’m short and have chronic pain issues so I think the sky couch will make flying a bit less miserable for me. I definitely want to buy some NZ wool clothing.

    8. Felicia*

      I did the sky couch on the way there and couldn’t get one on the way back amd I would say if you can afford it do it. it’s a significant extra expense but it was the difference for me of getting about 6.5 hours of pretty good sleep vs like 20 minutes of uncomfortable sleep. I’m short so I can stretch fully out but the width was surprisingly good and unless you’re 6 feet or taller I feel like the length would be comfortable.

    9. Oink*

      If you can afford it, Skycouch is great. It’s better than premium economy because you can lie down across the whole row, or if two people are sharing one row at least you have more space. It’s worth the money especially if you’re flying overnight.

    10. ThursdaysGeek*

      Arrive early, as others have said, and have a towel, change of clothes, and soap in your carry-on. There are showers at the airport, and after travelling that long you’ll feel much more refreshed if you get in a shower before your next leg of the trip (unless you’re staying in Auckland the first night anyway).

      If you get a chance, go to the local bakeries and have the pies, drink the tea, get off the tourist route if you can. You probably won’t get a chance on an organized tour, but there is a lot more to NZ that’s not a movie set.

  23. Little John*

    Please speak to me of fun things to do in London! I’ll be there for at least a few days, probably in May, with my partner. We’re both physically active enough for a good bit of walking, and enjoy history, urban planning tourism, traditional music, social dancing, offbeat museums, and finding places referenced in books and media set in London (I’m hoping to find some cool places where Doctor Who scenes were filmed, and identify locations in the E. Nesbit books, for example). I want to do some day-to-day stuff just to see what it’s like there (grocery shopping, go to the movies, that sort of thing).

    Recommendations of less-expensive places to stay are also very welcome. We’re not absolutely broke, but it would make sense to save money on accommodations if we can, since we’ll only be going back there to sleep.

    1. AL*

      The museums in London are fabulous and mostly free! The Victoria & Albert, British Museum, Natural History Museum, National Library – all worth a visit.

      If you’re American, Waitrose is the “Whole Foods”, Tesco is the “Safeway/Kroger”, Marks & Spencer is the “Target.” I’d also encourage you to check out the markets – Borough Market & Spitalfields are fun larger markets, and each neighborhood has its own smaller individual grocers/butchers/fishmongers etc.

      The public transportation in London is top-notch – everything works with Tap/ApplePay, so you don’t need to buy an Oyster Card!

      However, when you’re looking at areas to stay in, keep in mind what “zone” you’re in on the tube. Most of the main tourist attractions are in Zone 1 – if you are staying in Zone 2, 3, etc, it can cost £6/$8 or more each way to get to and from your lodgings and your destination, along with additional travel time. Consider that in your cost matrix, as it may not be worth it to save £20 per night on a place further out.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Hmm, having lived in the US and UK, I’d say that Marks and Spencer might be a cross between Safeway and Trader Joe’s. M&S has similarly creative and good quality products to TJ’s. They are also known for selling clothing – a lot of people love their bra range but I’ve always found them over-rated.
        Sainsbury’s is probably closer to Target food-wise. The bigger branches of all of our supermarkets sell clothing and home goods too.

        Regarding Doctor Who locations – do your research if you want to find locations from the newer series, as a lot of it was filmed outside London.

          1. The Prettiest Curse*

            I find their knickers over-rated too, but that might be due to their habit of putting those stupid tiny bows on them. I hate those things!

          2. londonedit*

            M&S knickers used to be excellent, but the quality has seriously declined over the last five years or so.

            1. Ellis Bell*

              That could be true; I have some older than that which are going strong. The only recent ones I’ve tried are not knicker-knickers, but period knickers which are freaking awesome.

      2. DistantAudacity*

        +100 on the locations bit. For reference, I tend to stay at the Covent Garden Travelodge hotel. Budget-ish hotel chain, top-notch location-wise. You save SO much time on location, and extra travel costs. Still, it is a hotel in central London, but see what else you can get in the area.

        Plenty of good breakfast options nearby (try Franx for a classic English. Also that place right across the street from the hotelmis great).

        1. Cordelia*

          Yes, I agree about the locations. Travelodge is a budget chain all over the UK, the other – very slightly fancier – one is Premier Inn. I’ve always found them clean and reliable. The central London ones are still pricy, but thats central London.
          You can use contactless credit cards on transit, although I couldn’t guarantee that all US cards work. Get the free app citymapper to show you how to get around. Do some riding around on the top deck of the buses, much more interesting than the tube if you are not in a hurry
          There is a company called London Walks which does great guided walks in all sorts of areas about all sorts of things, I can highly recommend them.
          You can do various river boat tours, but the Uber Boats go the same places (obviously, it’s the same river!) and are cheaper. its nice to get the boat out to Greenwich for river walks, market, maritime history, nice pubs.

          2. londonedit*

            Talking of boats, what I like to do if I’m having a touristy day is go over to the cable cars (I start on the north side of the river, at Royal Victoria Dock), get the cable car across the Thames (you can pay with a contactless or Oyster card, it’s on the TfL transport network) and then get the boat back into central London from North Greenwich Pier. If you fancy hanging around a bit in North Greenwich first, what started life as the Millennium Dome is now the O2 Arena, which has an outlet shopping mall and absolutely tons of options for eating and drinking. It’s not your classic ye olde worlde tourist London by any means but it’s something different to do!

        2. Zebydeb*

          Similarly, my parents like to stay at the Premier Inn near Blackfriars station. Handy for trains, tubes, boats and buses, and walking distance from some of the big attractions.

    2. BellStell*

      Go to the Royal Observatory Greenwich, The Old Operating Theatre Museum and do The London Eye at sunset.

    3. CityMouse*

      It’s classically touristy, but I do think the Tower of London is a must do just because it’s classic and there is actually quite a lot to see there. It gets packed so try to go right when it opens. I like to do the South Bank walk at least from Tower Bridge to the Millennium Bridge as you see a lot there and you can go through Borough Market on the way.

      Seconding the free museums. I also enjoy just walking around some of the parks.

      For literary stuff, it really depends on what authors you’re into as there are a huge number of options.

      I love theater and West End shows are typically cheaper than Broadway, so I might consider seeing something, if it’s in your budget.

      1. Jules the First*

        For people spending only a couple of days in London, I recommend doing one (long but fascinating!) day, especially if the weather is good: start at the Tower of London when it opens, then walk across the bridge and head west along the south bank, through Potters Field. Stop for lunch in Borough Market, then, continue along the river. The route takes you past The Globe, the the Millennium Bridge (which you can pop across for a 45min detour and see St Paul’s), then into the Tate Modern for some (free) modern art and architecture, back out along the river past the Oxo Tower, and into the Southbank. Stop for a drink or some theatre, or pop into the BFI for a very comfy cinema experience. Back out onto the south bank of the river and keep heading west to finish at Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament and Westminster Abbey or stop for a spin on the London Eye.

        1. CityMouse*

          That sounds like an awesome and packed day. Last time I did this but ended after St. Paul’s (I was with my kid).

          I did enjoy climbing the dome of St Paul’s, especially if you time it right to hear the bells. The choir was also rehearsing which was nice.

          I’d also say go early to Westminster Abbey, because last time I went it was so packed you were in lines. I had a much better time when it wasn’t so busy.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Seconding the Tower. When I was there, the Beefeaters did free first-come first-serve tours, and that really made the experience. Aside from the history, we got ours talking about the experience of actually everyday living in the Tower, like how often do food delivery places hang up on you when you give them an address assuming it’s a prank? Often, and apparently it similarly took him six weeks to get a washing machine delivered and installed to his apartment. It was one of my favorite days of my trip.

      3. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Jules the First’s recommended walk is definitely what I’d recommend, it really does hit so much! And echoing all the people who say the Tower of London is worth it!

        The parks are great and most are quite large – we’ve enjoyed visiting Hyde Park, Regent’s Park (a bit wilder in some sections – we actually did a mushroom foraging tour there, it was super cool to do in the middle of the city!), and Greenwich Park (you can go see the Prime Meridian line).

        We’ve been to Spitalfields Market and the area around Liverpool St Station too a few times!

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        The ravens at The Tower are worth the tour on their own! So big, so clearly not killing because they just don’t happen to feel like it at the moment…

        1. fluff*

          Yes – and the Ravenmaster presentation.

          I especially loved the one raven that would play dead. He would flop over on the grass. Then people would throw bits of snacks at him. Hence, there are signs to not fall for the ploy: “he’s not dead. Please do not feed them.”

          Brilliant little velociraptors with personality they are.

    4. vegan velociraptor*

      If you’re into offbeat museums, I’d highly recommend the John Soane Museum and the Grant Museum of Zoology (check opening times for the latter). They’re within walking distance of each other and both small, so very doable in one day.

      If you like urban planning tourism, you might enjoy the Barbican.

    5. guerilla agile*

      I’m a fan of walking tours, just showed up at designated time and place to meet the guide and then got a 2 hour wander stoping off a various points of interest. All were good and not too expensive.

    6. EllenD*

      If you like walking try the footpaths alongside the Thames, especially on the South Bank. From Lambeth Bridge heading east, you’ll find views of Parliament across the river that appear in lots of movies and TV series. Then you’ll hit the South Bank complex and further east there are great views and pubs. You can walk to Tower Bridge and see Oxo Building, HMS Belfast moored on the river.

    7. six sided snowflake*

      I don’t mind hostels (you might), and I quite liked the Palmer’s Lodge Swiss Cottage. I booked a private room (obviously more expensive than dorms), but it was nice & relatively quiet. They have a garden with picnic tables etc to eat at – I was there in the summer and it was very pleasant. And, I like that I can cook a meal there, I don’t always feel like eating out for every meal. Your vacation preferences may vary.

    8. Buni*

      If you’re willing to share an email address a friend of mine put together a table of Free London days that shows places, location, nearest station etc and a little breakdown of what it is. I live here and every time they come to visit we knock a few things off the list.

      Seconding recommendations of all the free major museums and a stroll along the SouthBank.

    9. HannahS*

      When I went to London, I stayed in the north end, near the Jewish Museum. I had to take the Tube into the touristy area each day, but if you’re really just going back the hotel to sleep, you might find a better deal there. This was in 2017, and my hostel was 12 pounds a night! Not that I would stay at that specific place lol. But the few times I returned after dark, I felt safe enough.

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Churchill War Rooms (preserved just as they were from the 1940s) was my favorite museum. It’s like stepping back into the past.

    11. MaxKitty*

      The location of the Strand Palace Hotel can’t be beat, and it’s less expensive than a lot of central London locations.

      The Churchill War Rooms (previously the Cabinet War Rooms) is fascinating for a history buff.

      If you’re interested in theatre but aren’t committed to any particular show, look into half-price day-of tickets (ticket booth in Leicester Square but also deals available online, I believe).

      Try out the double-decker buses. The 15 goes between Charing Cross Station and the Tower (and farther), with St. Paul’s on the way.

    12. GoryDetails*

      If you’re into geocaching at all, that’s a great way to explore new locations. And the associated “Adventure Lab” app includes tons of London-area ones: often themed (history, art, statues, writers, etc.), they typically feature five or so stops – mostly within walking distance, though some can extend across an entire county/state – where you’re meant to find a specific landmark and answer a question from info you find on the spot. They make a fun little add-on to whatever else you might be doing.

      Re hotels: last time I was in London I stayed on one of the super-tiny budget ones (Z Hotel? Something like that). It really was teensy – pretty much a bed-sized room with wall-shelves and a tiny bath/shower. Very budget-friendly, and acceptable as a place to spend the night, but not especially relaxing in itself.

    13. Clisby*

      The one time I was in London (a long time ago) one of the most interesting experiences was to attend a criminal trial at the Old Bailey (confession: I am a huge fan of Rumpole of the Bailey). Just from googling around, it looks like this is still available – just like a visitor to the US could attend a criminal trial here.

      The barristers were wearing the robes and wigs, and, with exquisite politeness, snidely sniping at each other.

    15. The Prettiest Curse*

      Since you’re into urban planning, you might find the London Transport Museum in Covent Garden worth a visit. Added bonus: their museum sells great reprints of vintage transport posters. (The rest of Covent Garden is very touristy and over-priced, but worth a wander around.)

      I’ve never visited the London Mithraeum, but have always wanted to – it’s the preserved remains of a Roman temple found when excavations to build a skyscraper were taking place. I’ve also heard that the Museum of London is worth a visit, as it’s about the history of the city over time.

      I second the recommendation of the Barbican (read up on how perceptions of it have changed over time) and would also recommend visiting the National Theatre if you’re into Brutalist architecture.

      Advance reading: on the urban planning side, London Under by Peter Ackroyd I’d all about everything underneath the city, and it’s fascinating. His book London: The Biography was published a while back so is probably a bit outdated, but was very acclaimed at the time.
      I hope you enjoy your trip!

      1. Buni*

        I love the Mithraeum but fair warning you’re in & out in under half an hour, unless you *really* like staring at the ruins.

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      My mom and I went to London years ago and my best memory is actually of a day out tour we took of the countryside–my mom was a HUGE Anglophile and “seeing thatched cottages” was high on her bucket list.

      She booked a professional tour with a local guide who really knew his stuff and dressed the part–flat cap, knickers, tiny British car–and dedicated himself to giving us the Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride experience along the tiny and terrifying back roads of rural England, flying along past blind curves along tracks that were easily eight hundred years old and so sunken there was no such thing as being able to “pull over” or “have two actual lanes.” I asked him what would happen if another car happened to be racing along the same road in the opposite direction, exactly?

      “Well, hopefully we won’t!” He replied cheerfully. Quite the day out!

      So anyway, I recommend at least one day outside the city limits!

      1. londonedit*

        I definitely agree with getting out of the city for a day, but the British countryside is not some sort of theme park.

        I’d steer clear of the ‘day’s coach tour of Windsor/Oxford/Stonehenge/the Cotswolds’ type of thing, because they’re ridiculous, and maybe just look at taking the train to a different city/town. Much of rural England isn’t particularly accessible by public transport (trains/buses) but there are plenty of places within striking distance of London that are easy to get to on the train, like Brighton, Canterbury, Bath, Bristol, Oxford, Cambridge etc.

    18. ronda*

      when my sister (a nurse) chose a museum in London to visit, she chose the Florence nightingale museum. I (not a nurse) found it interesting too.

      I always liked going to the theatre when I was in London.

    19. Anima*

      If you enjoy history, you can go mudlarking in the themes shores. BUT (really big BUT) you need to know two things:
      1. Check the tide table. Really do, the Themse is no joke and you can get trapped easily looking at interesting things in the mud. Stay alert, leave if you feel it becomes dangerous, even if there is no obvious danger.
      2. You can look at cool things in the mud BUT you can’t take anything. You need a permit for that which is not worth the hassle for a tourist. Do not bring plastic bags or trovels. Just go for a stroll on the “beach”, have a look, wonder what you did see and leave everything were it was.
      It’s still fun, though, you will probably see so many ship parts, big and small, wood of all ages, bricks as old as Tudor times, and pipe stems. So many pipe stems! Take pictures but leave them there (they can be quite pretty).

      I did this with my sister before mudlarking was a thing and we had so much fun. I think wee took a few things, because we didn’t know better (and you didn’t need a permit back then). But you learn a lot about Londona history just by looking up after what you saw.

    20. Clumsy Ninja*

      We were just in London! Our favorites were Windsor Castle and St Paul’s Cathedral. (They say not to attempt the climb to the dome if you’re claustrophobic, but it wasn’t too bad.) And we went to the Sherlock Holmes Museum, which was small but seemed very true to the books. The Tower Bridge was really neat, and we went down into the lower level as well. Definitely use the tube for getting around, plus walking. And if you look into it ahead of time (sadly, we didn’t), you can probably watch a Shakespeare play in London!

    21. Qwerty*

      Consider taking day trips to the towns surrounding London – my trip there alternated between London things and taking trains to nearby towns like Oxford, Canterbury, St Albans, etc. I’ve heard that Oxford/Cambridge feel similar since they are both college towns so its generally recommended to pick one of them.

      Many places offer free walking tours – make use of as much of these as you can! I loved them and wish we had more of that in the US.

      Tower of London was great – I’ve been there twice. Definitely do the guided tour (it’s included in the ticket price) – the stories vary by the guide so it was different each time I went

      The British Library was enjoyable and has some book related small exhibits

      The British Museum is ginormous. Their website has recommendations on what exhibits to see based on the time you have. I was alone and managed to somehow cram 90% of the place into 3hrs – I think the adreneline of rushing around trying to see as much as possible added to the excitement.

      Castle wise – check out what exhibit is at Buckingham if its open when you are there because how much you like it depends on that year’s topic. I didn’t find Kensington Palace worth it, though I enjoyed the park around it.

      Tea – There’s a river tour with afternoon tea that was a great way to see the skyline. The Portrait Gallery also has a lovely high tea on their top floor so there are great views of the city (can’t remember what you can see, I was there for the tea so I gave the better seats to others)

      I can’t remember the name of the company, but there’s a company that does bus trips to places like Stonehenge or Harry Potter world – might be worth checking if they have a Doctor Who one? I did the inner circle tour for Stonehenge, where you go to a small town, Bath, Salisbury, then visit Stonehenge after hours where you walk right up to the stones – if you are lucky it is at sunset though timing doesn’t always match up. (there’s a sunrise one too)

  24. Land Acknowledgments?*

    I’m from the east coast and just moved to an area that has a lot of indigenous presence. I have been seeing land acknowledgments everywhere, which are new to me. Are they something indigenous folks asked for or is this something well-meaning white people are doing? I don’t want to ask around here and offend anybody.

    As a white person and outsider, they seem totally insincere. Oh, yeah, this is your land, here is your history, blah, blah, feel good about ourselves, totally not giving it back tho. It’s like how I feel about the Elgin Marbles. I hear a lot of talking and not a lot of acting. Give it back already!

    Am I wrong? Is this something all tribes agree on? Is there a goal, like, bare minimum, level 1 is to acknowledge it, maybe some future level 5 is give it back?

    1. RagingADHD*

      As with anything pertaining to indigenous people, there is no monolith of opinion or single spokesperson for geographically, linguistically, and culturally disparate people who are lumped together by the dominant society as one group.

      There is a variety of opinions about white people practicing land acknowledgements, which include the opinion that they are a hollow gesture.

      I am pretty sure that no institutions practicing land acknowledgements have any plans to give away any portion of their real estate holdings, ever.

    3. Cacofonix*

      I think you’re looking at land acknowledgments in isolation. Alone, they can come across as hollow, but I’ve also heard some insightful ones. They are just one of many ways to create awareness and inspire people to actually reflect on and learn about the realities and history of colonialism, and what you can do to support reconciliation and break down the systemic biases that indigenous peoples still live under.

    4. fallingleavesofnovember*

      They are now super super common everywhere in (what is now called) Canada and most institutions won’t start a formal meeting or event without them (governments, universities, theatres). There is definitely WAS a lot of conversation about whether or not they were just a hollow gesture but it seems we have landed on the idea that it’s better to do them than not do them – it does at least provide acknowledgement and has meant more people are learning whose territories they are on.

      From my own experience (as a settler working for one of these big institutions) I find there are two ‘styles’ – for smaller meetings, etc. I keep it short and sweet – when I would naturally mention the city I am located in, it makes sense to me to include that it is on the territory of X Nation(s). For larger meetings or events (like a workshop where we want to work together on something vs just exchanging information) the advice I’ve generally received is to try and say something to make it more personal in terms of how your work or efforts contribute towards reconciliation or what it means for you based on your own identity/heritage (as a settler, new Canadian, etc), or something specific you have learned about the history of where you are. Also many public events in Canada will now have an Elder from the Nation whose territory the event is in to give an opening prayer and other remarks.

      Bottom line, they can be done well or poorly, and maybe they are more about forcing us as settlers to reflect and be aware and struggle to make it meaningful as much as for Nations themselves – they already know very well whose lands they are!

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Also, look up the ‘Land Acknowledgement’ video from the Baronness von Sketch show, it gets right at what you are asking…

      2. Land Acknowledgments?*

        Thank you. In researching the Canadian history of it, I see that it was the result of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Typical of America, it seems we have skipped over the hard part and just copied the acknowledgments/easy part from Canada.

        I appreciate the context you gave me.

    5. Unpopular (maybe) opinion about land acknowledgments*

      I have definitely seen them used without any input from indigenous people and where they seem performative, but others have had different experiences.

      There was an interesting discussion about this on this site. If you’re interested, see the first comment on the post “can I tell employees not to bring partners on work trips, coworkers ostracizing a former friend, and more” from April 12, 2023.

      Baroness Von Sketch did a segment on this (comedy take, so might not be for everyone).
      On YouTube: Baroness Von Sketch Show – Theatre Acknowledgement

    6. Rara Avis*

      I do tend to feel that it is just an empty gesture, but my school worked with the local Muwekma Ohlone tribe to create ours, and has committed to supporting the tribal community in other ways.

    7. Land Acknowledgments?*

      Thank you, everyone who recommended Baroness von Sketch. That’s kind of what I thought. I’m the lady in the audience! I’ll just sit down and enjoy the show.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m white and have always thought they seem performative, but I do see some organizations doing other things to be supportive of our indigenous communities and/or anti-racist work so it’s not always completely empty. What bugs me is the common wording that’s been adopted in my area has phrasing like “since time immemorial” which just feels weirdly… unnatural? over the top? It’s the only place I’ve seen that word used and it feels like it subtly sends the message that native people are just a part of ancient history. I’d be curious to know who came up with that wording and why.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        In England, ‘time immemorial’ ends in 1189, which is not directly relevant to this, but an interesting fact!

      2. Donottry*

        Where I worked, we always had land acknowledgments, but added a link to an organization here that helps indigenous people reclaim land.

    9. epizeugma*

      I’ve been told by people representing indigenous orgs that land acknowledgements are disingenuous if they don’t come from a place of actual relationship. If you’re just naming the people whose ancestral lands these are, and you don’t actually have a relationship with those people, it’s theater.

      I’m sure people have different opinions about this, but since the native people I know don’t like them, I don’t do them.

    10. Bike Walk Barb*

      I work for a public agency that works directly with tribes in a government to government relationship. We do things that directly affect people, land, and sometimes cultural items found in the ground. Our tribal relations director advised me that for our agency work we consider it performative unless we can say something real and specific about the relationship with the tribe whose lands we’re on or working with. If it’s something that’s a major event and involved partnering we would have someone from that tribe speak on their own behalf, not try to speak for them, and would thank them for the relationship.

      I was at an event a while ago for dedication of a new bridge. Someone fairly important did some kind of an acknowledgement of what I think of as the typical type and then invited tribal representatives to speak. What they said was fantastic. They talked in a far deeper way about the meaning of the land and how the people who lived on it lived WITH it, relied on it, didn’t exploit it. They weren’t describing the land as something that belonged to people. They explicitly said they’re acknowledging the land for itself. They also noted that these acknowledgments often sound like they’re all about the past and yet their people are here, now, with modern-day needs and issues (that the important person was positioned to address).

      If you’re doing anything that involves a tribe I would ask them what they prefer and follow that. With multiple tribes having lived in some places this might result in conflicting preferences and you’d have to sort that out. If there are no tribal people involved in the event, the entity isn’t doing anything to work directly with the tribe, and you have some position power I would ask some pointed questions about the purpose of the acknowledgement and intentions for authentic work on behalf of a stronger relationship. If they’re just doing it to feel better about not actually doing anything…. But if they’d stand up and say they respect the history of the place and are in conversations with tribes about how to partner better in future (if true) that would at least be some kind of basis.

  25. Alex*

    In 1999, my best friend at the time introduced me to the computer game Caesar III. I loved loved loved that game. It’s so simple yet complex. At some point, I put it on a USB stick, because it was all of 50MB or something like that, and I’ve had it ever since. This game does not work on a mac, and the last time I bought a Windows computer was 2012. I’ve kept that 2012 computer around simply to play the game, which I do every now and then when I get a hankering for it.

    Well, I knew that the “new” 2012 computer (with windows 7) wasn’t totally compatible with the game, which was probably made when we had windows 98 or something like that. But the other day I hauled it out and played for a while. There were a few new glitches–some of the animations were missing. I put the game on pause and went to go do something else for a few hours, and when I came back, my computer was totally fried. Now it won’t start up–I get a black screen with a blinking cursor in the upper corner. Some digging online tells me that this is not good at all.

    I really just want to play this game, which I know is a bit absurd, but does anyone have any ideas? Either how to get this computer going again or how to play Caesar III? Why don’t they make games like this anymore! Modern games are too complicated to be fun for me.

    1. Lisa*

      Can you buy a “new” old computer on eBay or at your local thrift store or something? It would probably be cheap, because it’s old tech. Or you could maybe take it to a local repair place as long as they had someone on staff who remembered how to work with Win98.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      You might want to look into virtual environments. They let you run older/different operating systems on a modern computer, and are used for running old software, or testing software on different systems. Virtualbox is free, and a quick google indicates that people are running Windows 98 on it. (If you do download an old version of Windows 98, follow instructions for validating the checksum for computer security purposes).

    3. Chaordic One*

      Out of curiously I did some googling and it looks like it is still be available from a company called GOG dot com. (The company was formerly called “Good Old Games.”) According to their website the version they sell runs on Windows 10 and 11. The price seems very reasonable. Here’s a link to the the game as advertised on their site:

    4. Songs*

      It’s also available to buy and download on Steam, but it looks like only for Windows version 10 and above (ie not Mac).

    5. Saturday*

      Try googling “play Caesar III” and you might find an option that works for you. In addition to GOG which someone mentioned, there is an online version on epicport.

      1. Lisa*

        Wow, people love this game. When I did that search, I also found a Reddit thread that mentioned “two open-source variants, both from the same extraordinary reverse-engineering-and-programming effort: Julius maintains all original game play details, including the save file format, and Augustus provides additional features of game play that some people wanted without remaining compatible. Both of these automatically adjust to different screen sizes and resolutions (which the original does not do), and both require the original game playing files and then install over the top of them.”

        They don’t specifically say, but I assume this was so they could be played on a modern computer.

    7. Just a different redhead*

      Hmm… I feel like I usually get it to run in Windows 7 by messing with practically all of the compatibility settings. 1998 was a great year for games lol :D if I get time I’ll dig out the one Windows 7 computer I still have running and see what it was I needed to do : /

      I have played it (from the original cd-rom!) within the past couple years, though I feel like at this point I need to make a backup of the cd and just use the original to play it on the Windows 95 PC. It is indeed a fun game. All I know is that I beat it fully once. (Just the one time. On the Windows 95.)

  26. The Prettiest Curse*

    Which songs were you surprised to find out were cover versions? I never knew until recently that “I Love Rock ‘n Roll” wasn’t originally recorded by Joan Jett. And for a long time, I thought “(There’s) Always Something There To Remind Me” was first recorded by Sandie Shaw. My husband only knew the 80s version of that song for a long time – but we were both wrong, because the original version was by Dionne Warwick.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Correction on (There’s) Always Something There To Remind Me – Dionne Warwick was the first person to record it, but Lou Johnson was the first person to release their version as a single. The different versions of this song get confusing, because it’s been recorded a lot!

    3. Atheist Nun*

      I grew up in the 70s/80s and did not know at the time that two songs I love are covers:
      1) Hanging on the Telephone by the Nerves, covered by Blondie
      2) I Want Candy by the Strangeloves, covered by Bow Wow Wow

    4. Morning Reader*

      Nobody Knows You When You’re Down and Out.

      I thought it was a depression era recording by Bessie Smith but it was written in 1923 and recorded in different versions by several others. I heard it from a local harmonica player in the 70s about the same time Clapton covered it; knew it wasn’t his but thought it was Bessie’s. (She recorded it early in ‘29, released in September, just in time to become a hit after the crash. It was originally about being poor during the roaring 20s but resonated well when everyone was in the ‘30s.)

    5. Peanut Hamper*

      “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell was originally recorded by Gloria Jones and released in 1964. (And it’s really good! Look it up on YouTube. I doubt you’ll be disappointed.)

      She later became romantically involved with Marc Bolan of T. Rex, had a child with him, and was driving the car in the accident in which he was killed.

      Also, while we’re on the subject, “Bang a Gong (Get It On)” which was released by the supergroup The Power Station (which was Robert Palmer, former Chic drummer Tony Thompson, and John Taylor and Andy Taylor of Duran Duran) was originally released in 1971 by–you guess it–T. Rex in 1971. (It was called “Get it On” in the UK and “Bang a Gong (Get It On)” in the US, but as this a US-based blog, I’m guessing more people here are familiar with the latter.)

      1. Buni*

        Well this is interesting, because I’ve never heard any but the T-Rex version and didn’t even know there *was* a cover.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          In general, I always prefer the original to the cover version, but this is one of a handful where I really do like the cover version better.

          Another would be “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton/Whitney Houston. I love Dolly’s version, but Whitney just took it to a completely different level.

          Also, “Mad World” by Gary Jules — it’s on the Donnie Darko soundtrack — is much better to my ears than the original version by Tears for Fears.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I recently learned that Dolly wrote that song for the movie ” Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

            1. KarenK*

              This is not exactly accurate. Dolly wrote “I Will Always Love You” for Porter Waggoner. They were performing partners, and she wanted to go out on her own.

              Oh, and Dolly is wrong about Whitney’s version being better. JMHO!

    6. Dr. Gurathin*

      Tainted Love, Soft Cell, originally sung by Gloria Jones

      Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Cindy Lauper, written and released as a demo by Robert Hazard

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Yep, the Robert Hazard version was a demo but dang that was a good song! It had a nice punk rock vibe to it, and I see no reason it couldn’t have been released as a single. I love Cyndi Lauper, but I really love this original version of the song. I listen to it fairly often.

    7. A313*

      “Superman” is a 1969 song by the Texas band The Clique, but I’ve only ever heard the R.E.M. version that I really love!

    8. Elle Woods*

      Nothing Compares 2 U. Sinéad O’Connor made it famous in the early 90s but it was originally written by Prince in the mid-80s for his band the Family; he later recorded a version of it with Rosie Gaines. I love Prince’s music but Sinéad’s version of the song is the gold standard in my book.

    9. peter b*

      I was astounded to find that Dear Prudence is not a Siouxsie and the Banshees original… and years later somehow surprised again that This Wheel’s on Fire was originally by Bob Dylan. I still prefer Siouxsie’s Prudence to the Beatles’.

    11. Peanut Hamper*

      “The Tide is High” by Blondie was originally performed by the Jamaican rocksteady group The Paragons. I’ve loved Blondie since I was a kid, but The Paragons’ version is so much better. There are a lot of songs that started out as reggae/rocksteady songs, and the original artists have too often been forgotten.

      In that vein, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by The Tokens (1961) was originally recorded in 1931 by Solomon Linda, a South African musician. There is a long, sad story about how he and his descendants have been cheated of their royalties for decades.

      Sadly, that is kind of the history of rock and roll in general.

    12. PhyllisB*

      How many of you knew that Pearl Jam did a cover of a song from the 60s? I can’t remember the original artist and I may have the title wrong, but one of the lines is “Where oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me..” Usually I don’t care for covers, especially when I was around when the original came out, but this one is very good. Also, I’m sure everyone knows Elton John did a cover of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. I like it, but like the Beatles version better.

      1. WFH4VR*

        It’s Last Kiss, originally by Wayne Cochran in 1961. If you’re familiar with the Rock Bottom Remainders, which are a band of authors including Amy Tan, Stephen King, Dave Barry, and Ridley Pearson, their version includes “I saw her lying there, and brushed her liver out of my hair.”

    13. anxiousGrad*

      I didn’t realize that All Along the Watchtower was by Bob Dylan! I was surprised that I liked the original almost as much as the Hendrix version given the very different guitar styles.

      1. allathian*

        And my favorite version is the U2 cover on the Rattle & Hum album.

        Bob Dylan’s written a lot of great songs, but if I’m honest I don’t really like his voice.

        Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door by Guns ‘n Roses
        Lay, Lady Lay and Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door by Eric Clapton
        Mr. Tambourine Man by The Hooters

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      I knew it was a cover, but The Cowboy Junkies cover of Lou Reed’s “Sweet Jane” is amazing. I also love Tori Amos’s covers of “I’m On Fire,” “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and “Nevermind.”

    16. Lexi Vipond*

      Could It Be Magic – I was just the right age for Take That to be omnipresent in my early teens, and hadn’t heard the Barry Manilow version until maybe 5 years ago.

    17. MozartBookNerd*

      “I Say A Little Prayer.” I didn’t know that the original was by Dionne Warwick (just like your first one Prettiest Curse). Instead I grew up on the passionate, graceful, fervent version by Aretha Franklin.

      Just recently I saw that the song has a subtext of worrying about the singer’s loved one fighting in Viet Nam. This really snaps the lyrics into place.

      Wow what a perfect song. Thank you Burt Bachrach and Aretha Franklin.

    18. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Don McLean’s “On the Amazon” turned out to be from the 1920s!

      (A quick insomnia websearch says a 1929 English musical, “Mr. Cinders”)

    19. *daha**

      They Might Be Giants “Istanbul (Not Constantinople) was originally by The Four Lads.

      Aerosmith “Big Ten Inch Record” was originally by Bull Moose Jackson.

      Aerosmith “Train Kept A-Rolling” goes back to Led Zeppelin, The Yardbirds, and before that to Tiny Bradshaw in 1951.

    20. Chaordic One*

      OTOH, there are a few people like me who are easily duped. I actually fell for the prank that “Wonderwall” by Oasis was a cover of an old song from the 1950s or 60s. The Mike Flowers Pops did an amazing cover that had me fooled and radio DJs from around the world promoted the prank.

  27. 80th birthday ideas*

    Looking for 80th birthday presents for my dad please! My brother and I want to get something jointly but are drawing a blank. We are not in the US, but probably around the $100 mark. If we ask him, he will say he doesn’t want anything, and he will mean it, but it doesn’t feel right to get nothing.
    We are going out for a family meal and staying the night in a hotel, but his actual birthday is a few days before, we need something we can post so he can open on the day.
    I totally understand that he really doesn’t want more stuff, but the alternative – experience-type gifts – is tricky as he is really quite frail, and sometimes starting to get a little confused. We know there aren’t many birthdays left so we want to mark this one.
    We’re not super close – my parents divorced as a child and he has a new wife and stepchildren and grandchildren, we don’t have much of a relationship with them.
    He does/did have hobbies but they are not things he is able to do any more. I think he mainly reads and watches sports on TV.
    We are at a loss! Any ideas please? Are there things you did for elderly parents that were a success?

    1. Imprudence*

      Photo albums and similar. I made my 90 to mil a calendar for Christmas with pics of all the children and grandchildren – she was in tears.

      1. Clisby*

        By the time my parents got up in their 70s, they were asking us to send photos instead of “things”. We did, and they loved it.

    2. Shiny Penny*

      Food treats? Especially any food treats with nostalgic cultural, regional, or familial value.

    3. Lexi Vipond*

      In the UK there are companies which will sell you a newspaper from the day you were born, we’ve done that a couple of times for that kind of age. But it is technically ‘stuff’.

      Or coffee table sorts of books with pictures of your town/sports team/whatever in the past.

      Or would he appreciate something like a nice bottle of whisky?

      There’s definitely a reason why people that age get so many tins of biscuits and boxes of chocolates!

      1. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        Seconding the newspaper for the day your dad is born. My father really enjoy his. He read it multiple times and told friends about it.

        Just do an online search to find where to purchase it.

    4. CityMouse*

      What about a digital photo frame? You can set it up so it’s pretty easy for anyone to add pictures to it.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      A cool book, especially as you say he reads. If you can find something with local history of a place important to him (check the location’s historical society) that can be a neat niche offering. Like the place he spent summers growing up, or where he lived when he was in his 20s, etc.

      A hit with my dad was a scroll with the history of our last name.

    6. Morning Reader*

      Some years ago, for a friend’s 70th birthday, I got him some smaller things representing each of his decades. Some Swedish fish for his inner 10-year-old, a Beatles album for his 20th, a dem donkey button for 30th, a worlds greatest dad mug for 40th, and so on. It was inexpensive and didn’t involve anything that took up too much space. (I already had two copies of Meet the Beatles so that was easy.)

      1. Christmas Carol*

        I just did the math involving Meet The Beatles as a callback gift for a milestone 70th birthday, and now I have to go lie down.

    7. Fifi*

      These are all great suggestions, but also consider that respecting his wishes for no gifts is also a gift in itself. The gift of your time – even if it’s only to go visit for a bit and chat to him about his life and your lives or watch a sportsball game together, is the best gift of all.

      Happiest of birthday wishes to your dad

    8. Indolent Libertine*

      Does he wear a wristwatch? You can get nice ones engraved with names, initials, dates, etc. on the back pretty easily in that price range. “Happy 80th Dad” on one line and “Kid1 Kid2” first names on another.

    9. Kathenus*

      Similar to Imprudence’s recommendation – for my dad’s 80th birthday I did a photo book (Shutterfly) for him. When my mom passed I became the keeper of the old family photos so had some from his childhood, him as a young adult, in the Army, then of our family throughout the years. I think he really liked it. And as Fifi says the thought and time you put into it will likely mean as much or more than the actual book itself – although the book turned out really great.

      And if you don’t have access to those types of past pictures, one focusing on your and your brother and such might be a good option.

      1. same but different*

        We did a shutterfly blanket of family photos for my dad’s 90th. It has as many or few photos as you want, you don’t have to caption things, and it became a lap rug/memory aid/ conversation starter as he declined. If you didn’t want to do family photos, you could go the memory route as various other posts have mentioned focused on favorite hobbies, or a photo per decade or something.

    10. Irish Teacher.*

      I love the idea of a newspaper from the day he was born. Or from a significant date in his life – his wedding day, his graduations…

      Or something related to an important moment for you all. Like in my dad’s case, he introduced me and my brother to Agatha Christie’s Poirot when we were kids and inspired a life long love of mysteries in us both and it was a game for the three of us throughout our childhood to see who could work it out closest to the truth. So in a case like that, a box set. Or something from a country you went on holiday to as a child or something.

      Or there’s a company, Wonderbly, that do personalised books and they have an adult range. By adult, I don’t mean X-rated, just suitable for adults. https://www.wonderbly.com/ie/personalized-books/adults?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GO-SEA-IRL-En-Brand-E&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIyYqqnd__igMV9ZZQBh2MvQv-EAAYASACEgKPkvD_BwE

    11. AnotherRetiredLibrarian*

      I did a photo calendar with family photos for my dad. The following year I did one with photos of all the cars he had owned. (Yes, there were photos of every one of them.) I used Walmart Photo, but there’s also Shutterfly.

    12. anxiousGrad*

      A couple of years ago my mom and aunt got my grandmother a StoryWorth account. It has prompts for the person to answer and then puts them together into a book at the end. I thought I already knew a lot of my grandmother’s stories, but I actually learned so much about her life from it! And I think she enjoyed doing it.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      Is there specific food type treats he likes? Maybe from your area? That stuff is easily mailed/delivered. I’m thinking things like real maple syrup, candies, chocolates, preserves, etc.
      Good luck!

    14. Healthcare Worker*

      Electronic photo frame! When my mother was quite frail and really couldn’t do anything but sit up, she loved watching the changing pictures of her great-grandchildren. We placed the frame on the kitchen counter where she could see it from her chair. She died about eighteen months ago, and my dad still enjoys “having breakfast with Emma.” My daughter-in-law and is really good about regularly sending new pictures (almost every day he gets a new one or two), and they cycle through from her birth. My daughter also sends pictures so Dad keeps up with what they’re doing, too. Simple pictures that share their day to day life. It’s so easy to set up – it turns on in the morning and off in the evening, you can adjust how quickly the pictures change, and the phone app is simple to use. We also have one, and I love it, too!

    15. Anono-me*

      Is there a luxury that would make his life easier? A bidet with warm water and hot air is my first recommendation (if you can have it installed). Hiring a spring garden clean up if he has a yard. Have a handy person add a railing or safety bars. A meal delivery subscription.
      The Shutterfly book is a great idea. A friend does a personalized calendar for her grandmother. (A big family photo for each month and then a picture of the person for each loved ones birthday.)

    16. RLC*

      If there is a charity your dad supports, perhaps a cash donation in his name? Late in life my parents preferred to have money given to their favorite charities rather than spent on “stuff”.

    17. IT Manager*

      At this point, things that show him/others in the home that you want to maintain a relationship are better than him-focused presents IMO. He’s getting to the age where both he and caregivers will be better off if they know there is family who cares.

      Pictures, calendars, those eFrames where you can email/upload updated pictures (and then mentally commit to sending them!). Photo sculpture of a memorable childhood photo of yours, bonus if he’s in it too. Birthstone jewelry with kids or grandkids if he’s a jewelry wearer. Blankets made from family photos. Scrapbook/photo book of family history (the part he was in!)

    18. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Might not fit your price range, but one of my mother’s favorite Christmas gifts was the year my brother got her an extra delivery of heating oil.

      It was a way to help my depression era mother push the thermostat up and stay healthy as she got frail.

    19. Tulip*

      I’d suggest writing a letter. Or writing down little memories you have with him. I see that you aren’t close, so this suggestion might not be useful. I share it, though, because I’ve seen it be very well received by my elders. One holiday my mom had my sisters and I write little memories of our times with our grandma on slips of paper, then gifted them to our grandma in a little container. For years afterwards, my grandma would read through those notes. Similarly, I once wrote a letter to my dad about a fond memory I had with him, and he cherished that letter. It doesn’t have to be super long or eloquent. It was showing that I cared and remembered that my elders appreciated.

    20. Qwerty*

      For milestone elderly birthdays we’ve often done group sentimental gifts like “80 memories with John” that is a mixture of everyone’s happy memories and specific sayings. Or a scrapbook where each person put together a page about what grandma meant to them. Maybe you could do a smaller version?

      My grandpa loved a giant picture frame we put together for a milestone birthday – one of those things from the craft store that holds 8-10 pictures of varying sizes. It has a large picture in the center where we printed a portrait and for the supporting pics we used shots of him at work, with his kids, with his friends, etc. An alternate idea would be one picture for every decade. The man loved it – it was temporarily hung in the hallway at his house after the party and for several years after my grandma kept asking when she could restore the painting that usually hung there (grandpa refused to take it down). He has dementia now and still stops to look at that board, thrilled to see the homage to himself. It has occasionally been helpful when he doesn’t remember that he lives there – we tell him to go look in the hallway and it helps him remember that he’s in his own house.

  28. LGP*

    Do you (or would you) save your child’s baby teeth?
    My son is starting to get his first teeth, so this topic has come up among some friends and family. Most of them say they would keep them/have kept them, but it seems so weird to me! I think I’d like to keep the first one, like how some parents keep a lock of hair from their kid’s first haircut, but keeping a box full of teeth feels too creepy to me. So I’d love to know your opinions: do you find it cute or creepy?
    Also, if you do keep them, what do you do with them? (I know there’s research about getting stem cells from them, but from what I understand they have to be stored in specific conditions in a facility; you can’t get stem cells from them if they’ve just been kept in a box in your closet). How long do you keep them? Do you give them to your kid when they’re an adult, and then what do they do with them? I have so many questions lol
    (And just to clarify, this is all lighthearted curiosity, I’m not trying to criticize anyone, I just genuinely want to know people’s thoughts on this)

    1. six sided snowflake*

      I find it creepy. My mother, however, did not. My mother kept all my baby teeth, and asked me to keep my daughter’s. My mother was an artist, and before she died, she made a sculpture that incorporated both my and my kid’s. I find the sculpture weird and creepy and my daughter loves it.
      Some things just skip a generation.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t think my parents kept mine. If they did and they gave them to me, I’d either be like “ew, no thanks” or if I did for some reason take them, throw them away immediately. I’m not terribly sentimental even about things I do have valued memories about, and I definitely don’t find any valued memories in random bits of biological detritus – to me, lost baby teeth are no more important than like, fingernail clippings.

    3. Morning Reader*

      Yes, I have them in a little box somewhere, along with the little knit cap the hospital gives newborns, my favorite onesie from babyhood, a few other small things. I don’t know why; it’s more sentimentality than cuteness. But I paid for them, in the guise of tooth fairy, so I will keep them. I tend to keep some few sentimental items from significant people and I don’t think it’s creepy, particularly. It seems a very mild form of childhood souvenir. Many parents of adult children I know have significantly more “stuff” from their children’s childhoods still in their house or garage or storage, boxes full of their toys and clothes and games. My one little drawer devoted to artifacts of her life pales in comparison. (It is mostly stuff like the onesie that are meaningful to me but that she would have no interest in now or even remember. And I’m not going to fess up to being the tooth fairy even at this late date.)
      What to do with it? I assume it will get thrown out like most of the rest of my stuff when I’m gone. I read somewhere of a scientist doing an environmental study analyzing baby teeth, and thought of sending them in, but we moved too much in the early years for her teeth to be useful that way.

      1. LGP*

        I tend to keep some few sentimental items from significant people and I don’t think it’s creepy, particularly. It seems a very mild form of childhood souvenir.

        Just want to clarify that I don’t think keeping childhood things in general is creepy; I’ll definitely be keeping some clothes and stuff from my son’s babyhood. It’s specifically the teeth that I find creepy.
        Anyway, thanks for sharing your perspective!

      2. AnonymousOctopus*

        “ But I paid for them, in the guise of tooth fairy, so I will keep them.”

        Thank you for this, it brought me my first laugh of the day. Can’t argue with your logic there!

    4. CityMouse*

      If the kid loses their first tooth at my kid’s school they get a little box to put it in. I don’t think my parents kept mine but I think I chucked some of them in a drawer and then threw them out.

      I guess I haven’t thought about the tooth fairy and given my kid is in kindergarten I should figure that out fast. He hasn’t lost a tooth yet but many of his classmates have.

      1. Morning Reader*

        I do wonder about that tooth fairy. What is the fairy giving in exchange these days? In my day it was a shiny dime. For my kid I used a half dollar (to keep the shiny theme.) Do kids even know what cash or coin money is now? Does the tooth fairy use Venmo?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I got a quarter. Except the one time I thought I was gonna be clever and told my dad on my way out of church, I took one of the blank offering envelopes from the pew and I was gonna put my tooth in that and make the tooth fairy prove that she was real, because only a real tooth fairy could get the tooth out without ripping the envelope open or having to put it in something else. “Good thought, that’s clever,” says my dad, and suddenly remembered he had to pop back into the church to ask his choir director something real quick.

          The next morning, I opened my sealed envelope and tipped out two dimes and four pennies, and then noticed a note written on it, “minus one cent for not believing.” My siblings and I never questioned the tooth fairy (or the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus) aloud again. :)

        2. CityMouse*

          I got a dollar back in the 90s. I know Bluey (popular kids cartoon set in Australia) gets $5 and the Dad protests but the Mom notes that’s how much the other kids got.

          I need to chat with some other parents after drop off. I do know as a kid I was very aware that the tooth fairy wasn’t real, but I have older siblings.

        4. Jay (no, the other one)*

          My kid is 24 and the Tooth Fairy gave her Susan B Anthony dollar coins. Which meant that the night she lost a tooth and we were out of coins, the Tooth Fairy wrote her a lovely little note as an IOU and from then on they kept up a correspondence – kid left a note with each tooth, and Dentina answered. When she lost a tooth while we were on vacation, Enamella filled in for Dentina and explained that on that side of the Rockies they only had dollar bills, not coins.

          I didn’t save the teeth. I did save the notes.

          2. Rara Avis*

            My kid is 16. We did half dollar or dollar coins. Except the tooth fairy always forgot, so mom had to do a search under the pillow and somehow the coin always showed up in my hand …

            I don’t think we kept the teeth. My kid did keep their extracted wisdom teeth for a while but I think they’ve been thrown away now.

        5. The Dude Abides*

          I got scratch tickets.

          My daughter (5) gets $5 per. It’s hitting the budget hard, she just lost three within the past two weeks.

        6. goddessoftransitory*

          Nowadays it’s apparently a dollar minimum. When I was a kid the tooth loser got a quarter, and the sibling who didn’t lose a tooth got a dime (to prevent IT’S NOT FAIR wailings.) But anything that low would probably be met with “???” these days.

        7. HBJ*

          We currently give the children $1.50. Which I think is too high, but that’s what my husband wants.

        9. RagingADHD*

          Mine got quarters when they were little, then there was significant inflationary pressure when the kids at school started comparing notes. There were kids in school getting five or ten bucks a tooth, which was not doable for us! I can’t remember what my cover story was, but I think we got up to a dollar before it was over.

        10. RC*

          I (90s) got a dollar, but it was a silver dollar. According to some friends with kids, nowadays some tooth fairies give a $20 (????)

    5. o_gal*

      My kid is now 24 years old and I still have his, in a ziploc bag in a drawer with other sentimental stuff from when he was a baby. I just didn’t feel like throwing them away. But I’m not planning on keeping them forever, or even giving them to him. Eventually they’ll get thrown away.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I did not save any teeth. (Children are in their 20s.)

      I vaguely recall a show where the amateur sleuth was trying to run down the baby teeth to show that the Mysterious Interloper had taken over an identity and wasn’t that person at all?

      I think my children would have found it extremely weird to give them the teeth on reaching adulthood. Of more interest was stuff created by them (a book for 2nd grade) or about them (the kindergarten entry forms), but I think those were much bigger for me as nostalgia. (Told to build a tower of blocks, oldest ignore this and constructed a tunnel and told a story about it, which was On Brand.)

    7. Sloanicota*

      I have my own baby teeth in a box and I have no idea what to do with them. How did I get these? My mom might have had them and then put the box into one of my boxes of stuff, or maybe at some point I stopped giving them to the tooth fairy. And wth am I going to do with them? I would feel weird throwing them out and also weird doing anything else with them, haha. What if my otherworldly spirit is forever bound to this box of stuff in my basement because they’re there?? (this makes more sense as a concern if you watch a lot of paranormal television, as I do).

    8. GoryDetails*

      I wouldn’t save baby teeth – though I did hang on to one of my own for a bit. As a kid I tripped and knocked one of my upper front teeth loose, and when it came out it had turned a spectacular purple color. (It also put a little dent in the permanent tooth growing behind it, which is still visible some 65 years later.) Anyway, I thought the tooth was cool and kept it for a couple of years before losing interest.

      My folks did the tooth fairy thing (a quarter a tooth in the 1950s, good money!), but didn’t keep the teeth as far as I ever knew.

      Those who’ve read Terry Pratchett’s book Hogfather might want to be very, very careful about keeping teeth – something to do with controlling the powers of belief in children, a very dangerous magical source indeed {wry grin}.

      Fun fact: baby teeth are also known as deciduous teeth – though that does make me picture them all falling out at once, fluttering down like leaves…

    9. Double A*

      I am keeping them and I really don’t know what I’ll do with them. However, we have a lot of animal skulls and bones in our display cabinets, so I feel like a little container of baby teeth fits right in. I just put them in a little decorative pot I have in a display cabinet.

    10. Dinwar*

      We tried, but they ended up getting lost/thrown out anyway because it’s a house full of small kids. I’m a paleontologist, and pretty much every paleontologist has bits of bone and skulls and teeth lying around (comparison collections), so even if it’s weird/creep, it’s weird/creepy in a way that counts as an occupational hazard. Used to have a few jars of dried frogs on my desk at work; no one would bat an eye at teeth!

      There’s a way to use wire, a small jar, and a cork lid to display them–museums do it with fossil rodent teeth–that looks sort of interesting in a “Witch in a gingerbread house” or “Mad scientist from the Victorian Era” sort of way (which honestly fits with our aestheticeither way). If I find the teeth I’m going to try that. Put them on the shelves with the rest of my bones.

    11. Kay*

      I tend to ask myself what I’m trying to accomplish by keeping whatever thing it is in question. If you are looking to perhaps creep out your adult child at in the future – hey go for the long game! I tend to think in the moment sentimental things will be cute, but I end up chucking them later in a fit of annoyance that I created so much work for myself.

      For the record, I would be totally creeped out if my mom handed me a box of my teeth, its making my stomach turn just thinking about it.

    12. My Brain is Exploding*

      We did not save our kids’ baby teeth. I, however, still have the wisdom teeth that were extracted when I was in my 20s. Each came out in one piece. I was surprised at how huge they were!

    13. Anonymous Cat*

      I once saw a notice to parents and grandparents asking if they had any of their kids’ baby teeth because a (legit) science group needed them for research.

      So if anyone is still using actual teeth for research, maybe you could donate them.

    14. WFH4VR*

      I never did, I thought (and think!) that it’s totally creepy. Ew. Oddly, I have one of my horse’s teeth, which doesn’t bother me at all.

    15. Clisby*

      No, I didn’t. I don’t really think it’s creepy, just nothing I was interested in. I did play Tooth Fairy, though. A couple of times my kids had their teeth come out at school and then lost them, so in those cases they had to write a note to the Tooth Fairy to get the money.

    16. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Yes, I’ve kept all my kid’s baby teeth so far.
      We don’t do the tooth fairy but when the first one came out, kiddo and I went to a toy store and found a small and very pretty box to put it in, and every subsequent tooth has gone in that little box, ever since. (after a thorough soaking and cleaning of each)
      The box is my kid’s and it’s on a shelf in their room. Should kiddo ever feel like getting rid of them, I’d ask for one front tooth as my own “souvenir” and let them toss the rest.
      I don’t find it particularly creepy but can understand others not wanting to keep their kids’ teeth or ever being interested in my kid’s teeth. To me they are just a keepsake to mark the passage of time and remember how much smaller everything about kiddo used to be.
      Kiddo themselve sometimes opens up the box and looks at their tiny teeth in fascination, trying to wrap their head around this evidence of their own growth.

    17. Chauncy Gardener*

      I kept my son’s for a long time, until at one point I opened the box and got totally creeped out and threw them away!

    18. Nightengale*

      I kept my own baby teeth as a kid and my parents let me. They are in a plastic baggie in a small jewelry type box. . . somewhere. I refused to give them to the tooth fairy. I used to leave notes to the tooth fairy asking her to admire my tooth but not take it. I asked her to write back – I was trying to do some, er, handwriting analysis. My last baby teeth were removed by the dentist when I was a teenager and I was always sorry not to have the full set.

      I have done nothing with them. But they were important to my 8-16 year old self.

    19. Anono-me*

      I got a little pill box full of my baby teeth and several extracted teeth when my parents downsized. I did not know what to do with it. It was disquieting.
      The lock of hair in taped in the baby book is more sweet.
      I suspect it is a holdover from when photos were a luxury or not available.

    20. RagingADHD*

      I have some of them, mainly because I was hiding them in the tooth-fairy days. I have no idea what to do with them and never really thought about it.

      I found my own when I was cleaning out my mom’s house after she died, had a couple of sweet childhood memories, and then threw them away. I guess that’s what she kept them for, if she thought about it at all.

    21. Ali + Nino*

      Absolutely not. And my oldest (the only one to have lost teeth so far) swallowed his first lost tooth while he was brushing so that kind of took care of that. We don’t do the tooth fairy either. No shade to those who do, its just not our thing

    22. Qwerty*

      My mom kept them with the intent of giving them to us as adults. It was forgotten about until they downsized their house – my mom brought out a box of stuff/memories for my siblings and I to go through so we were all surprised together. It is very creepy to see bags of teeth, but also we laughed a lot about it and still laugh at the memory so I think its worth it. Teeth extracted by the dentist are the creepiest because they have long roots (especially wisdom teeth). It also was fun reliving memories of the tooth fairy, tricks from our mom to help us with loose teeth, our mom telling us stories about the first tooth we each lost.

      If you have multiple kids, please label the bags with something that will last 20yrs. The names had rubbed off so trying to figure out which bag belonged to who was so weird (but also we couldn’t stop laughing at the awkwardness)

      So – I’m in the “creepy but worth doing” camp. You can always get rid of the teeth later if you change your mind. It might be worth at least holding on to them until the Tooth Fairy period ends to avoid an accidental reveal. (Or use them during an intentional reveal when you are ready for that period to end?)

    23. lily*

      As a mid twenties human who’s parents kept them and are now giving me all the crap they saved from when I was a child, one still has all the same questions when they are given back! And it’s a little creepy. Just toss them unless they are super meaningful to you.

  29. Road running - with or against traffic flow*

    So I jog around my neighbourhood and some of the roads do not have sidewalks so I always run against traffic so I can see what’s coming towards me, especially bikes. My friend’s running coach has told her to always run with the traffic flow – and I see probably 50% of other runners doing the same thing. Wondering what other people choose and why?

    1. Cordelia*

      I do the same as you- face the traffic so I can see what’s coming. Otherwise bikes come up behind and try to pass far too close , forcing me aside. If they are coming towards me I can glare at them!

    2. CityMouse*

      You’re definitely supposed to walk or run against traffic if you’re in the road. I googled it snd multiple jurisdictions came up saying to do that.

    3. Still*

      I’ve been taught to always run/walk against the traffic for the reason you mention, and would feel very vulnerable doing it the other way. I would only switch if I moved someplace where it’s universally accepted to go with the traffic, to the point that it would be putting me in more danger to go against the local custom. And even then I’d probably feel weird about it.

    4. Helvetica*

      I’ve always been taught to move against traffic, especially if there are no sidewalks. You can see the cars, the drivers can see you and I just feel much safer than having a car come up behind me.

    5. adca*

      Depends on the road. I go against traffic if I can escape to the side of the road. But if there is no place to go, definitely not against traffic. Always really scary when I’m cycling and people just keep walking towards me, when there are also cars, so I can’t go around them and have to suddenly brake and literally stop. I always feel like these are people who read in some magazine that this is the safest thing to do.

    6. Maestra*

      Definitely against traffic for all the reasons everyone else mentioned and also so that you might be able to make eye contact with drivers coming in your direction. With the way so many people run with headphones in, why would you take away another of your senses to know if you’re safe or not? I’m really surprised a coach would recommend running with traffic (I say as a high school cross country coach).

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      My understanding was that you bike with traffic and walk against it, the latter making it easier for the two things going at very different speeds to see each other, and be sure the oncoming person sees them. I mostly do that (at a walking pace), allowing for road curvature sometimes making the other side more sensible.

      Anecdotally, on the mixed use bike trail, the most erratic obstacle for me as a biker is the person walking in the same direction while talking on a cell phone, who may be about to veer off randomly across 180° of freedom. When I am coming toward this pedestrian, they know I am there and avoid me because they can see me. While a surprising number of people reason “What are the odds that a bicyclist is approaching from behind, on this bike path, where I am passed by a bicyclist 1/2 times per minute? Probably nil.”

      1. Sloanicota*

        This goes both ways haha. I’ve been the biker wondering why walkers are so oblivious (especially dog walkers) and I’ve been the dog walker annoyed by bikers who are zipping by at what seem to me to be unsafe speeds* while I’m trying to corral my stubborn dog. Twas ever thus.

        *probably a speed not too dissimilar to what I was doing when the walkers were in my way.

      2. Enough*

        You bike with traffic because it is a “vehicle” and you must adhere to traffic laws just as if it was a car. It is actual law.

      3. Lexi Vipond*

        I always get confused if it’s just bikes and people – not formal cycle paths with a marked lane for each, but tracks and things. Do I walk on the right because bikes are traffic and I should be facing them, or do I walk on the left because it’s a path and not a road? In practice half the time everyone’s in the middle to avoid puddles and mud, so it doesn’t really matter!

    8. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Yeah, on foot you always move against traffic. I’m so confused that a running coach would advise to go in the same direction as vehicles. Perhaps they learned from my childhood neighbor’s mom, who instructed us to walk with traffic so…if we got hit…we would not be spattered so much. (Don’t ask me.)

    10. Buni*

      My family & I always quote some 1960s Traffic Safety book we used to have laying around, which cheerfully stated “Always teach your children to walk INTO traffic!”.

    11. Kathenus*

      As far as I’ve always been taught, runners/walkers are supposed to go against traffic and bicycles are supposed to go with traffic. For runners and walkers it is so you can easily see what’s coming and react as needed along with the drivers. For bicycles due to the higher speed if they were coming at a driver both sides would have less time to react in an emergency so it’s more dangerous for bicycles to go against traffic.

    12. Bethlam*

      My answer is very peculiar to me. I mostly run with traffic. I live way out in the country and our back roads are mostly built humped in the middle and graded with a slope to either berm to let the water run off.

      That means one foot/leg/hip is always striking lower than the other. If done a lot,, this can cause hip and back problems. If you walk/run facing traffic, then it’s always your left leg striking lower. Probably not a big deal for casual runners, which I am, except – my left leg is already an inch shorter than my right leg.

      An orthotic lift in my shoe compensates for part of the difference, but not all, so running against traffic is physically uncomfortable and, if done much, painful.

      Caveat: there isn’t a lot of traffic on my roads, and I switch sides on the crests of hills so a car doesn’t come over the top,, see someone unexpectedly, and have to swerve.

      I also switch sides a lot to stay in either the sun or shade, depending on the weather, and to avoid suspect dogs.

    13. Chauncy Gardener*

      Our police department constantly is putting out notices for runners and walkers to go facing traffic. I believe this is the law around here.

    14. Person from the Resume*

      You’re supposed to run against traffic so you see the cars coming.

      Also cyclist (on a road) should be following the rules of the road so they ride in the direction of traffic.

    15. fhqwhgads*

      My understanding is there are actual regulations about this, so regardless of what individuals choose, I’d recommend following the actual traffic laws for wherever you are.

  30. Still*

    Alison, I’m not in the US so I don’t order books from the US anyway, but it’s lovely to see that you’re offering an alternative to Amazon!

  31. Jules the First*

    Feeling a little burned out and depleted and wondering how other working parents square the circle of working full time, keeping the house adequately clean and tidy and everyone fed, and spending quality time with your kid while also getting some time to yourself? (Say, for an out-of-the-house workout or hobby)

    Does it get easier or harder when they start school?

    1. six sided snowflake*

      I never kept the house adequately clean. In one period of time, when my spouse was injured, no one vacuumed for 5 months. For housework, I solely focused on food, and clothes to a much lesser extent. If the kids do activities – that’s your alone time — reading in a coffee shop or in the back of the hockey rink or pool. Mine did *a lot* of activities.

    2. No longer single and alone*

      It does get easier just because most kids (not all!) can be more independent for longer periods of time. Then it become me telling my kid “I’m going to focus on X for the next 30-60 minutes, what can you do for that time all by yourself?”. Mine usually does a ‘quiet time’ in their room for at least an hour each day in the weekends as a way of letting everyone in the house recharge. My biggest recommendation is to start figuring out childcare for the summer months and school breaks. There are a lot and camps fill up fast! Registrations often open up months before summer actually starts. Best of luck to you!

    3. HannahS*

      I’m not sure of the age of your kid(s.) I have one 3 year old.

      One thing that I’ve now insisted on is one evening activity (a class Tuesday night) and one 3-hour block of time on Sunday that’s mine, so my husband is responsible for the kids during those times. And my husband gets one evening and one weekend block too. We were in a situation where he was getting tons of time to himself and in was getting none. So we readjusted and now I’m much happier.

      And honestly my husband does most of the cleaning and shares the cooking, so that’s not all on me.

    4. CityMouse*

      I have a Kindergartener. It does get easier as they get more independent (kid can be trusted to dress himself for school and he can entertain himself while I’m making dinner).

      1. CityMouse*

        I will also say, I signed my kid up for a before school class at school specifically so I could go to an exercise class those mornings).

        1. Jules the First*

          That extra morning sounds super tempting, though I will have to figure out how to make sure I use it for that instead of what I currently do with my extra morning which is catch up on work or chores. It does not help that kiddo is *not* a morning person, so prying him out of bed before 7.30am is a challenge…

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      It gets easier and harder. They can be more independent and they also have more activities – at least mine did. A few things made it possible for us to manage two more-than-full-time jobs plus kids plus non-kid activities:

      1) neither of us had much of a commute and hubs worked less than three miles from home. Until kid was in seventh grade, everything she did (school, dance class, aftercare, religious school) was within a mile of home. We didn’t spend a lot of time in the car.

      2) We hired help in the form of weekly cleanings so that the only housework we did was cooking, dishes, and laundry. Once she started evening dance classes, we hired college students to pick her up at school on those days and supervise homework and dinner and then get her to class. One of those evenings became our regular date night when we’d go to a drumming class and then out to dinner while the sitter picked kiddo up from dance and put her to bed.

      3) kid went to bed early. This wasn’t a deliberate strategy – it’s how she came wired. She needed a lot of sleep and didn’t sleep in until she was in high school, so no matter what time she went to bed she popped up at 6:00 AM. She went to bed at 7:00 PM until she was 8, I think, and was in sixth grade before she started staying up past 9:00 PM. So we had time after she went to bed to spend time together and we could shift some of our work – I did most of my. paperwork after she went to bed.

      4) she didn’t do sports. Again, not a deliberate strategy. She started dance at age four and never looked back. She had some classes on Saturdays but not games – we only had to drop her off and pick her up. We didn’t spend our weekends sitting at a soccer field or driving to away games. We got her to class, kept her supplied with leotards and footwear, and attended two recitals a year. Indoors.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I legit do not know how today’s parents are able to handle the sports pressure. My niece was on a travel team at 9, like she was training for the Olympics, just to keep up with her peer group.

        1. Clisby*

          I don’t either. My son loved soccer, and played Rec League soccer through U15 (he signed up for U17, but they didn’t have enough participants to have games, so that was a no go. He then volunteered as an assistant coach.)

          I was so relieved that he never seemed interested in being on a travel team. I don’t think we’d have agreed to it anyway, but fortunately it never came up. I don’t know how parents do that.

        2. Saturday*

          Yes! Huge chunks of my sisters’ weekends were completely devoted to kids sports. And the kids didn’t even seem that into it – it was just what everyone in their communities did.

        3. Jules the First*

          My sister has an 11 year old who is a competitive swimmer and they basically spend every weekend doing that, most of the year. I’m definitely nopeing out of that one.

          The daycare dads are campaigning to have him join the local rugby kids, but I’ve said no unless one of them would like to come fetch him for an 8.15am start on a Saturday morning…

    6. Emma*

      I think it’s just perpetually challenging, though as they get older and can do things like bathe unattended, deal with their own toileting, etc, it does help. I think part of it is realizing that you need your own time, and wedging it in there.

      1. Emma*

        And our house is definitely not tidy, but having a basic robot vacuum (Eufy, it was like $175), and when we can spring for a monthly house cleaner (about $200 with tip), that helps immensely.

      2. Emma*

        I find time away really helps my state of mind. Tonight we’re going out with friends and got a babysitter – haven’t done that in at least 6 months, but it helps so so much, and we’re going to start doing more of it . If you can have someone watch the kids for a long weekend (haven’t done that since having #2, but hope to when they get slightly older), it is incredible. just so rejuvenating, even when it’s short.

        I will also sometimes take a day off, leave kids in daycare, and just lay around the house. it helps too!

      3. Emma*

        And today during quiet time (little kid naps, big kid either plays outside or in their room), I’m gonna try to learn to knit. Or take a bath! I’m excited! Little stuff like that helps the spirits!

    7. rkz*

      I’m just here in solidarity!! lately my answer has been to really neglect cleaning except for the absolutely bare minimum. I keep talking about hiring a cleaner but haven’t actually made the leap yet. My kids are 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 and can be independent sometimes but lately have been going through a much less independent phase which makes things tough.

    8. Generic Name*

      So, you basically just described like 4 full time jobs right there. Of course you’re depleted! Yes, it does get easier as the kids get older. The “answer” to doing all of that stuff to perfecting standards is that you can’t. You either lower your standards in some areas (house is untidy/dusty often, you eat takeout/leftovers/frozen dinners/sandwiches sometimes) or you hire someone else to do some of that (lots of people hire cleaners).

      Now is a great time to assign age appropriate chores to children. A 3 year old can put away cutlery (not sharp knives) and plastic dish ware or run a rag over the coffee table to dust it, put away their own laundry, etc. It won’t really lighten your load now, but you are setting a standard for later. They also won’t do any of that perfectly, but in the example of putting away laundry, I don’t know of any 3 year old who needs to look perfectly pressed all the time. For kids, doing dishes or putting away laundry with parent IS quality time. I loved going to the hardware store with my dad when I was a kid. I just tagged along while he did his shopping; it was great bonding time for us.

      If you have a partner I suggest sitting them down and telling them you feel burned out and depleted and ask for some changes in the division of household labor.

      1. Jules the First*

        I hadn’t thought of it that way. Maybe I do need to hire a housekeeper a couple of days a week and screw the cost…

        No partner – little dude is a sperm donor baby, because I’m ace but wanted to have kids. Little dude is a dab hand at laundry though – he loved to watch the cycle when he was teeny and he was allergic to disposable wipes and diapers, so there was a lot of laundry and it sort of naturally flowed into helping. He needs a grownup to add soap and turn the machine on for another couple of years until he gets tall enough to safely reach, and he does needs to be told it’s time to do it, but otherwise he manages 99% of his own laundry aged 4, which I am seriously impressed by. (Harsh experience means I do check his pockets for tissues and rocks in the hamper after he’s gone to bed, and sometimes I redistribute a few things on the drying rack, but still…)

        1. Generic Name*

          Oh my goodness, of course you’re depleted, doing it all on your own!! Do you have any friends or family nearby who could give you a break for a few hours? Even a neighborhood middle schooler or teenager to play with kiddo while you read in another corner of the house. I say this from the perspective of having a special needs (autism, but not diagnosed until very late) child who is now 18 and about to graduate and go to college. Physically, it gets much easier. When people say it gets harder or doesn’t get easier are referring to the mental/emotional piece. When they get to school there are friend issues to deal with, and in high school you worry about dangerous things they might be doing with their friends. But if you raise them well, they’ll have a good head on their shoulders and can handle the typical stuff themselves, and come to you when they can’t handle something on their own.

    9. Double A*

      Our house is only clean once a month after the cleaner comes. Then I know that the clutter will at least cover clean surfaces. I don’t really mind the mess because it means we’re doing stuff. toys that are strewn about are ones that have been played with (again, having one a day a month they’re put away helps).

      It absolutely does get easier. I don’t know how old your kids are but mine are 6 and 3.5 and they are both downstairs while I’m lounging in bed typing this. Lazy mornings are one of my favorite types of me time, and Saturday morning cartoons are a time honored tradition.

      I also try not to self-own. I see someone in this thread mention sports; sports are a choice and a conversation. If they are adding substantial stress on the family, there needs to be a serious family talk.

      My oldest going to public school has made a big difference and next year they will both be at the same school!!! It will be incredible. My husband and I are baffled by the veteran parents who, when our kids were babies, would tell us it doesn’t get easier. Like, I have no idea what they are doing where they find elementary school or older kids to be as hard as babies and toddlers.

      1. CityMouse*

        I get my house cleaned once a month too. You do have to prep for that (put stuff away). It helps me keep up.

    10. Pickles*

      My kids are teens and its still hard. But here are my tips
      We have a weekly dinner menu that doesn’t change much, but I don’t have to make decisions
      Order groceries online
      Housekeeper twice a month-for my marriage sanity
      I do at least one load of laundry everyday
      Have friends who get it who you can laugh with everyday
      Occasional date nights
      It’s hard, buckle up. Now with housing prices as they are these kids will probably never leave!

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      It gets easier and harder. Easier – they are more independent for both necessities (snacking, dressing, bathing) and entertainment. Harder – they have more activities and more of a social life. I have two kids currently in elementary school and I’ve recently been appreciating how I can actually do hobbies during their waking hours because they don’t need me to do everything for them anymore!

      Nora Ephron has this great analogy about juggling – some balls are glass and some are plastic, and you need to know which ones can be dropped. This isn’t like “never sacrifice family for work” or vice versa, but like “This meeting is a plastic work ball, so I need to drop it for the glass family ball of my kid’s first big performance. This project deadline is a glass work ball, so I need to drop the plastic kid ball of going to the library today and go on the weekend instead” etc.

      1. Jules the First*

        That’s a great analogy…I’ll try to remember it when everything feels like heirloom crystal baubles!

        I keep hoping it will get easier – one of the reasons we moved to this neighbourhood was because of the relaxed family vibe…there are still packs of pre-teens playing in the local park and most summer nights we have drinks in the cul de sac while the kids tear up and down on their bikes. We probably just need another summer and the anchor of the school community to really build that network in the neighbourhood.

    12. chocolate muffins*

      I saw above that you don’t have a partner. Do you have anyone who watches your kid sometimes? I do the same things others here mentioned where I do stuff that I want to do for me while my kid is in daycare sometimes, or hire babysitters. A recommendation I saw somewhere that we haven’t tried yet, but that has seemed to work for others, is to set up a kid-share with another family. If you think you’d be okay watching two kids for a few hours, you could set up times when another family dops off their kid with you (say, first Saturday of the month for three hours) and other times when you drop off your kid with them (say, third Saturday of the month for the same amount of time). Depending on how old your kid is, that might give you some time not just when your kid is away but also when the other family’s kid is there, if the two kids can play together and leave you free to do your own thing.

      For food, I cook a bunch all at once and freeze, so I am never trying to cook a dinner on the day that we need to consume that dinner. That makes evenings way less chaotic since all we need to do is heat something up in the microwave. I have a toddler who loves cooking with me so batch cooking is a time to have fun together, not just a chore I need to do.

    13. Peanut Hamper*

      Two of the best things you can do to invest in your kid (and in your own sanity, as well as their future spouses) is to 1) teach your kids to cook, and 2) teach your kids how to do laundry and put it away. There will be a lot of mistakes along the way, but a small investment in time earlier (although it seems like a lot at the time) will have huge dividends later, many of which you won’t see.

      So yep, if you can do these things and think of it as preparing them for success later in life, it does make what you have to do right now feel a little bit easier.

    14. RagingADHD*

      We significantly lowered our standards on the house to health and safety rather than company – ready.

    15. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      If you have a partner, the two of you can obviously both make sure the other gets time to themselves. Accept that “adequately” clean and tidy will not be what it was pre-kid. If you can afford it, consider hiring cleaners to come in every couple weeks – for us this was the biggest difference and since we obviously weren’t going out to eat very often we were able to make it work.

      It gets a lot easier when they start school. When that happens, consider taking an occasional vacation day just to stay home – solo or as a date day if you have a partner – and have some kid-free time.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      The weekend open thread is for non-work discussion. Try posting this question on yesterday’s open thread (“open thread – January 17, 2025”) or wait until next Friday, the 24th.

      You’ll probably get more answers on the 24th because the Friday open threads are mostly active on that specific Friday.

  33. Sloanicota*

    I have been reflecting on the ways that my – to me – seemingly reasonable paranoia around tech, are also increasingly life-limiting. It doesn’t feel like paranoia to me when there are many examples of ways they really are out to get you! But I just don’t know how sustainable it’s going to be to worry about data privacy, as everything increasingly moves to apps and two-factor (connecting online accounts to your phone) and cloud-based services. How do you decide where to draw the line on intrusive tech that could get hacked or used by bad actors, vs convenience for you? Ring cameras, location-sharing apps, digital assistants with full access to all your accounts, etc?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m pretty much entirely on the side of “what makes my life easier”. I don’t activate the digital assistants on most of my devices, and I use my Alexa app more to set time schedules to automate my smart devices than I actually talk to the dot, and if something on my phone asks for location services I say no unless I actually feel like it would be useful, but I do have cameras and smart devices and whatnot, and my husband and I share our locations on our phones primarily for geofencing reasons (not for checking up on each other :P ) – on my end, it lets him know when I’m getting home so he can prepare to help me bring in groceries or whatnot, and on his end, it lets me know when he arrives at his gaming group an hour and a half away because he’ll get caught up in greeting everyone and forget to let me know he got there safely for another couple hours. :P

      In general, I look at it kind of like locking the door on my house. I do always lock the door on my house, and I don’t hide a key under the mat or something. I take sensible precautions. But if someone really wants in my house bad enough, all they have to do is smash a window, and there’s only so much I’m able to do to prevent that without causing myself a lot of additional work and effort.

    2. WestsideStory*

      My entire work life has revolved around digital products and unless it’s an online thing or application I use in my work, I don’t put them on my phone or computer.
      My partner has everything on his phone – from his health apps to transit pass to all his banking.
      But I’m the one who had ID theft in past two years (twice). Mileage varies I guess.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Honestly I’m not even sure what threats I’m worried about. Not even identity theft tbh since, as you say, that happens to everyone no matter what. It just drives me crazy to think of these invisible eyes watching all my interactions and storing them up in vast databases for unknown purposes. But all my friends are like, “it’s no problem, who cares these invisible people watch us all the time?” so maybe I really am the crazy one.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Sometimes stuff just lands weird. I get (what my husband considers irrationally) twitchy if someone is eating out of serving bowls or serving out of eating bowls. When I first started using smart plug for timers on lights and similar, my husband was like “But that’s just a way for someone to get access to our wifi.” I was baffled and asked for more information, like how is someone going to get access to our wifi if I put a timer on the Christmas lights? and he couldn’t explain it, but it bugged him. (And then he decided he wanted to buy a raspberry pi off the internet and run ALL OUR INTERNET TRAFFIC THROUGH IT for a network-wide adblocker, and could not explain to me why that was somehow safer than a timer on the Christmas lights, so he got his adblocker and I got my timers and we all just roll with it. The adblocker is actually quite useful. :P )

          1. Rick Tq*

            He isn’t crazy. ‘Tanked!’ is a tv reality show about at Las Vegas company that makes custom high-end fish tanks. They build one for a casino that had all the bells and whistles, including Internet controls for temperature, feeding, etc. A hacker group got access to the thermometer system and penetrated the casinos IT systems, including getting access to the high-roller databases. Anything that reports to a cloud system can be hacked, and most IOT devices like smart plugs have poor to no security nor the ability to apply security patches.

            Your pi-hole system only blocks access to advertising sites, none of your actual traffic should be flowing thru it if is not working as your router too.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I didn’t say he was crazy. But if someone really wants onto our wifi specifically, and they have the skills to somehow do it through the smart plug, they probably didn’t need the smart plug to access our wifi. Like I said above, it goes along with locking a door. Someone who really wants around the locked door can do it.

              1. fhqwhgads*

                Thing is most criminals don’t specifically want to get at You. They’re looking for low hanging fruit. If your door is locked they move on to the next because it’s not worth the effort when they know there are tons of unlocked doors.
                Slightly different if you were a casino. But the smart plugs are unlocked doors.

                1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  Yeah, but I’m also the only house out of the six in my cul de sac that has a password on my wifi. :-P so I am still not the low hanging fruit.

    3. Can't Sit Still*

      I have a lot of stuff on my phone, but I insist on non-smart appliances. When that’s not feasible, I don’t connect them. I prefer dials and buttons over touchpads, too. The one exception is electronic locks over manual locks, simply because of the arthritis in my hands. Not enough to replace the mortise lock on my front door, though.

      There’s lots of useful tech tools, so I try to balance the trade off between privacy and usefulness. Since I’m disabled and live alone, some tracking, for example, is useful to me for peace of mind. OTOH, having a device with the sole purpose of listening to me 24/7? Not going to happen.

      1. Annie*

        Same here with the smartphone vs other smart devices: Smartphones have the right mix of convenience and portability for my use cases, whereas other smart devices seem to just add complexity and expense for features I won’t use for any length of time (Do I really need to check on that thing at home while I’m out and about? Sure it’s nice to be able to double-check how many eggs are in your fridge while you’re at the grocery store deciding whether to buy more, but not 3-4x the price of a normal fridge or maintain the “fridge cam” setup nice), and failure or discontinuation of the “smart” features tends to take the “non-smart” parts down with them.

    4. AnonymousOctopus*

      I try to find a good middle ground. Some things I just refuse to have, like Ring cameras (grossed out by surveillance and I don’t agree with their TOS/sharing footage with police without a warrant) or Siri/Alexa, or smart appliances. I’m wary of AI so when I had to replace my phone a few weeks ago, I purposely got an iPhone 15 instead of the 16 because it didn’t have the Apple AI baked into it yet.

      Other things I may have but limit what functions I use; I have a smart lighting system that I control with an app, but I refuse to use the feature where it tracks where you physically are in your home and turns off/on lights accordingly (creepy!). I do have apps for my banking/financial stuff because I have ADHD-related challenges with managing finances, but I refuse to use the scheduling app for my salon appointments and instead use a browser. I don’t have location permission turned on for any apps that don’t actually require it (Google maps is one example exception).

      And then there are things I don’t have a choice about, such as my job requiring MFA to access work platforms and tools. I don’t like it, but I do like my job so it’s a package deal.

      All that to say: I also share your concerns and basically take it all on a case by case basis, where the improvement to my life has to be worth it and I have to maintain some level of control over what happens to my data. If I can’t do that, then I don’t use it.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        That’s basically my take on it, too.
        I hate surveillance stuff and don’t want my every move tracked. But I do let googlemaps show me my position when I’m on a bike trip – though I always activate the location tracking thingy “for now” instead of “when the app is in use” or whatever it’s called. I like to believe, the app is actually not tracking me at other times then.
        I don’t have or want smart appliances or even smart lights. My locks are manual. I go to my bank to do banking stuff and have almost no important information on my phone appart from phone numbers and my email-account – and the latter only because my kid’s school sends important information via email and I didn’t manage to check my emails regularly enough to always catch those in time. If I feasably could, I would go back to having my only-set-up-for-the-phone email account being the only one on it.
        For most of these things my peace of mind is more important to me than convenience is – both highten my comfort but one feels less risky than the other.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Yeah, I text, and I use google maps (but don’t have my main google email on my phone) and I try to turn off location services whenever I can. I don’t download apps unless I really sincerely need them – to me, that’s Lyft and the parking app. But it’s getting harder and harder. More and more public services are going to be through an app if Europe is the model. During Covid there were already places I couldn’t go because I didn’t want to use the app (not for any other covid objections, I just didn’t want to use the tracer app), and now increasingly hotel keys or plane services are via app. And I see how I’m making my own life harder not having my email on my phone or connected to other things.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      It’s tough. I don’t have a cell phone, for instance, partly because I don’t want to be tracked every second of my day. But it’s increasingly hard to function without one, and probably moot at this point (I use computers at work and at home, not exactly a Luddite.)

      I do find that at work, convenience trumps security nine times out of ten–customers can get really huffy about having to verify their credit card information, for example, even though A) it’s for their protection and B) cards change information often enough that it has to get done or you end up with a huge delay when your card doesn’t go through and you have to call me back and update your info anyway.

    6. Isabel Archer*

      So my comment is tangential to the original question, but I personally feel like technology is ruining humanity. I hate that being tethered, tracked, and targeted is just How Things Are Now. I’m not a Luddite, either — fully computer literate and use them personally and for work. I have a smart phone, have for years, but as mentioned above it’s getting to the point where not having one becomes a huge inconvenience. And yet we lived for many years (decades, depending on your age) without any of this technology, and we were all just fine. We only got phone calls at home, the only screen was the TV, people knew how to read paper maps, and we made decisions on where to go/what to eat/what to buy without — gasp! — first reading the reviews of dozens or hundreds of total strangers. Identity theft was rare. Children weren’t bullied into self-harm by social media. Nobody whipped out a small computer in the middle of dinner with friends to run the Roomba or change the cat litter or read a notification from a celebrity’s Instagram account. Does anyone else feel like the frog in the slow-boiling pot of water?

      If you feel the same way, allow me to plug a lovely series of 4 books called “World Made By Hand” (which is also the title of the first book in the series), by James Howard Kunstler. Set in the not-too-distant future, after a combination of wars and pandemics that killed most of the population but left the planet intact, it tells the stories of people in a small community in upstate New York. They live in houses, but without electricity, internet, phone service, cars (no oil), banking, newspapers, etc. They were all alive when these things were readily available, and they adjusted once they were gone. Lots of bartering for goods and services. Growing their own food. Being there for their neighbors. I’ve read the whole series twice, and both times I found myself yearning to live like this. Not wishing mass death and destruction on us all, of course, but honestly, I’d rather go back than keep rushing headlong into a future where humans are just another “thing” in the Internet of Things.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      So, two-factor auth helps with the security. It’s not an additional intrusion on it. That one thing should be a comfort, somewhat.
      But yeah, given all the GIANT dataleaks…everyone’s info is pretty much already for sale somewhere, so I try to not stress toooooo much.
      That said, I absolutely am opposed to ring cameras, location-sharing apps, and digital assistants with full access.
      Ring does some shady shit with cops. Location-sharing is a physical security risk, not a digital one. And I just hate digital assistants anyway.

      1. David*

        Yeah agreed, two-factor authentication stuck out to me as well as an odd outlier on this list. Assuming we’re talking about good versions of it, like the authenticator apps that generate six-digit codes, or hardware tokens, it’s a significant boost in security with essentially no privacy concerns. (If it’s the versions where they send you a text message or email with a code, then yeah I can understand how it’d be a potential problem, but it is still better security than not having 2FA at all, so if that’s your only option for 2FA, you could reasonably decide either way.)

    8. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      I am not as worried about smart tech as I am about the rising population of dumb people.

      The conversation in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum states that they are using advanced science to create a world but they are using science that they haven’t bothered to understand. Paraphrasing his speech from the dinner debate scene and over 30 years later it is very prescient.

      This hit close to home after I spent the week on the phone with a major cellphone provider. An elderly relative asked me to get them a cellphone and I picked a VERY basic flip phone. I last used a flip phone in 1999? and worked in tech. So how hard could it be? I set it up after looking up an online user manual and filled the contacts but it wouldn’t connect and it took me calling Tech support repeatedly until I found someone who UNDERSTOOD THE TECHNOLOGY, and also knew how to fix it. (hint,it wasn’t my error)
      I also got an email this week from same provider that they are raising my monthly plan $4.00 next month.
      I might have ranted to my family that I want to move to a one room mountain cabin with just my books and a weekly food delivery.

  34. Not the One*

    There is a friend-boy in my social circle that I think is having romantic thoughts about me. He has started texting me separately from the group thread – just innocuous little texts – and we do occasionally meet up one-on-one for drinks at a pub near him, but it’s never flirty. Everyone in my circle thinks it would be cute if we got together (we are both single). Unfortunately, although I really do like my friend – he is so sweet and kind – I just have zero amorous thoughts about him. The thought of kissing him makes me scrunch up my nose, not in the good way, which is generally my sign that we are not going to be a romantic couple, ever. I’m surprised he would be leaning that way since he knows I’m mostly interested in women, but he’s seen me go for at least one fellow so I guess hope can spring eternal. How to cool any thoughts he might be having when he hasn’t even said anything, and may never? Just don’t respond to the texts and stop going to the pub meet ups, or is there more I can do? I don’t think addressing it directly would go well, but maybe there’s a way that wouldn’t seem conceited (I could be wrong!) or hurtful … ?

    1. Jules the First*

      Shut it down when the friend group starts floating it – handy that you prefer going for gals, which means you can just cite that. As for the rest…do you enjoy the private texts and 1:1 pub catch ups? If yes, you can continue and just assume his interest is platonic. If or when he finally does push things, you just warmly and gently decline. You are not responsible for shutting down his potentially flirty thoughts unless and until he actually articulates them.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I think this is the best approach. I would definitely put paid to any speculation in the friend group at large, because any soft pushback is going to be ignored, and most likely at least one of them will probably report back to him that you “seem interested.”

      2. Qwerty*

        This x10!

        If your mutual friend group thinks the two of you are cute together, then they are also pushing him towards you. There’s a decent chance those friends are telling him that you are into him. Almost everytime a guy friend has pursued me and been shocked to find out I was completely NOT interested, he had been convinced not only that I was Sure Thing but that I was actually persuing him due to things that mutual acquantences/coworkers/friends had said.

        Also seconding to assume his intentions are platonic until proven otherwise. Guys and girls can be friends and platonically hang out alone together. Since you usually lean towards gals, he might be thinking that this friendship is automatically platonic and not worrying about having to state that explicitly.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      When I had a colleague whose company I enjoyed but whose body language was starting to veer towards “Hey, Baby,” I kind of panicked. A friend gave me a script to try that worked well for me: “I don’t know where you think this is going, but I don’t see us going in a romantic direction.”

      Colleague re-adjusted expectations, and we actually had a lot of fun together over the next many years going out to dinner and the movies as just friends without any romantic overtones.

    3. Still*

      Whenever someone brings it up, that’s an opening to say “oh, I think friend is great but I don’t like him that way”. Be very clear about it any time it comes up and it should make its way back to him.

    4. Generic Name*

      My vote goes to being oblivious. Of course it would never would occur to you he had feelings because you prefer women. If you like the texts and hangouts, by all means continue. If not, don’t accept invites and respond late/sporadically to texts. If friends try to ‘ship you, I feel like it’s pretty easy to shut down because you date women.

    5. AnonymousOctopus*

      Been there, done that. When I get the sense that someone is starting to think of me that way I still interact but just put a little distance. Wait a few hours before responding to texts, turn down a few invites to hang out one-on-one and try to avoid creating a hangout routine (like always going to the pub every Friday night together) by not being available sometimes. I’ve found that people who are respectful and just enjoy my company are cool with all this, while NiceGuys™️ waiting to shoot their shot get whiny and pushy. I scale waaaaaay back with those types, and the problem solves itself.

      Definitely tell your friends to knock it off when they are trying to play matchmaker! That’s not cool.

      Best of luck!

    6. Ellis Bell*

      To your friends: “Hey, can I ask for some help on that topic? I know people are only joking, but I’m afraid friend-boy would take that stuff seriously or be hurt; so can I ask for your help in squelching any mention once and for all? Too many people are saying it and it’s getting a bit of a concern actually”. You say it the first time with full confidence and optimism of getting the help you want. If people continue casting you in their own reality show, don’t be cute and forgiving; frown and put your hands on your hips until they stop doing it; “I really thought I would get people’s help with stopping this before it does real harm”. To friend-boy, be very light and casual, don’t be too available, use the word friend a lot, and if you can tell him he’s like the brother to you, I would.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        It’s important to point out to the latter type (“We’re bored: be our entertainment”) that this isn’t a fun Netflix show. Real people are involved and raising someone’s hopes in service to a fantasy is cruel.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I hate it when people “ship” real humans instead of characters, especially when they know the humans in question! It puts so much awkwardness and pressure on the people involved. I would just keep shutting that down while taking his actions at face value until he indicates actual interest. You don’t have to do the individual stuff if you dislike it, but you’re not leading him on if you enjoy chatting or hanging out one on one as friends! If you stop doing those things, you don’t have to make a formal announcement or ask about his intentions.

      Possible responses to the friend group from more pleasant to more firm:
      “He’s great but we’re just friends!”
      “I really enjoy our friendship just the way it is.”
      “I mean yeah we’re both awesome but I don’t see us ever dating.”
      “Haha maybe we’d be cute together but I’m not interested.”
      “I’m not interested in dating anyone right now!”
      “It makes my friendship with him awkward when I feel like we have an audience.”
      “No, I’m only interested in women.”
      “Yeah you’ve said that and I wish you would stop.”
      “Please stop talking like that, it makes me uncomfortable.”
      “It’s really creepy that you won’t drop this.”

    8. Catherine*

      > I’m surprised he would be leaning that way since he knows I’m mostly interested in women

      As a fellow preferrer of women, I’ve found that my own preferences are not factored into the equation when a man decides to pursue me. Sigh.

  35. Not A Manager*

    I need advice on how to apologize without sending a wrong signal.

    I went on a date with someone that I’ve known as an acquaintance for a while. We have friends in common and move in the same circles. The date was not a success for me and I don’t want to get more intimate, but I also genuinely like him and will interact with him again in our friends group.

    Immediately after the date, he sent me a text that felt like he was trying to draw me into a little bit of a Feelings talk. I shut it down in a way that I thought was pretty neutral, but in retrospect I realize was actually quite sharp.

    I very much want to apologize for the tone of that text. It was unwarranted and I’m sure it hurt his feelings. But I don’t actually want to apologize for the gist of the text, or open the door to more Feelings conversations.

    How can I say “I’m sorry I was rude” without implying that the whole text was a mistake or a misunderstanding?

    1. allathian*

      Sometimes being sharp is the only way to shut that feelings talk down.

      There’s no way to tell someone who has feelings for you that it’s not reciprocal without hurting their feelings. Sure, no need to be unnecessarily cruel, either, but it doesn’t sound like you were.

      Engage with him in the group as you did before and see what happens.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Unfortunately, since I think what you need is *less engagement* here, I don’t think you should follow up on that – because initializing a conversation would be a sign of interest, you care what he thinks, you want to get closer. You don’t want that. You want to revert to your previous level, and probably start off *below* that level while he disconnects from you romantically and perhaps finds someone else – and *then* you can be good friends again. For some people this takes a week, others it may be months, it depends on how invested he was in the idea of you two getting together. If he’s not clear that you don’t want to keep dating, start there – a useful phrase for me has been “I feel like there’s better matches for both of us.” or, more bluntly, “I’ve realized my feelings for you aren’t romantic, I’m sorry.”

      1. Sloanicota*

        Rereading this I realized it sounds like I said you can’t be friends until he successfully gets a new romantic partner. I don’t believe that. I just think there generally needs to be some space and time to reset the relationship from “potential romance” to “good friends” – and I say that as the person who was the one who wanted the romance at one point. We are good friends now, I just needed a few weeks of low engagement to re-set.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Agree with the space and time thing! No matter how gentle you try to be, hearing “nope, not feeling it” is going to sting, and it’s kindest to let them just handle that on their own. Trying to ‘fix’ it will either send mixed signals –do they actually care that much? Does that mean…–or come across as condescending.

    3. Still*

      Hard to say without knowing the details, but I suspect it might have been one of those situations where he’d feel a bit hurt and rejected no matter how you phrased it. Going back to apologise risks making him feel like he has to reassure you that he hasn’t been hurt by you. Unless you were actively rude, I’d let it go. I don’t know if I’d feel any better after receiving some version of “I still don’t want to talk to you but I’m sorry I didn’t phrase it better”.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Yes. I think this is the gist “I still don’t want another date but I’m sorry I didn’t phrase it better” and I don’t think saying it makes him feel better. It’s just rejecting him again.

        Like it’s too bad you were sharp the first time, but apologizing here probably only makes you feel better.

    4. Generic Name*

      I’d let it go. If he says to you at some point that what you said hurt his feelings/was rude, then you can apologize.

    5. Kay*

      I am also leaning, don’t say anything, since we often try to soften that language when it doesn’t need to be.

      If you feel you absolutely must say something, I would go with an “I’m sorry, I could have gotten my point across without being quite so pointed” or “I’m sorry, that was harsher than necessary, I just wanted to make my position clear”.

    6. Qwerty*

      If you feel you must say something, wait until you run into each other in person at one of the neutral ground events. That way you can get a feel for how well you two are interacting (after all, he may not have read it as unjustifiably sharp once he moved on) and whether anything needs to be said.

      Text is not a good medium for talking about anything with emotions attached and it is easy to be sharp / abrupt or flippant / over-emojied. So if anything more needs to be said, have it be verbal where you have other communication indicators like tone of voice, facial expression, body language, etc.

  36. Bluebonnet*

    Autistic readers: are there any characters in movies that you relate to?

    As an Autistic woman, I relate to Elsa (Frozen) in her “conceal don’t feel don’t let them know” song. Especially the line “make one wrong move and everyone will know.”

    I also relate to Eliza Doolittle (My Fair Lady) in the horse race scene where she is awkward with the wealthy spectators but doesn’t realize it. I can relate to this (people are either charmed by my unexpected conversation topics like Freddy or weirded out like Freddy’s mom).

    On a side note, I am currently getting support from a licensed therapist who specializes in Autism. I am learning about unmasking, stimming and overall meeting my needs.

    1. Overthinking Disney*

      AroAce and I was really struck by the character Mirabel in Encanto. I totally realize this is my own reading and not at all the intention of the screenwriters/anyone else on the planet, but the experience where she’s told she’s going to get this great gift at puberty that will define the rest of her life, but then nothing happens, and she’s left essentially a child in the status-quo nursery while everyone else moves on, felt so, so spot on in a way I’ve never been able to describe or articulate to anyone. I also read Elsa as ace FWIW.

      1. Overthinking Disney*

        I’m sorry, I used “aroace” when I meant “autiace” – I was not ignoring the autistic part of your question. Just more used to typing the other term.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That hadn’t actually clicked for me, but now that you call it out … yeah, I think you’re right on. (Also ND aroace.)

        (Merida too, perhaps, for the aroace parts — “I shoot for my OWN hand.” Though there’s about six hundred and twelve ways I relate to Merida, and I’m not sure how many of them are tied to the ND.)

      3. fluff*

        Me too – except I am Bruno. My patterns and algorithmic mind was very Bruno ish. And the we don’t talk about fluff…

        Mr Spock.
        Luna Lovegood.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      The French television series Astrid (available on Amazon Prime) features the title character as an Autistic young woman who works with/for the police solving cases, but refreshingly free of tropes like “autism is a superpower” or making her character all about her methods of functioning. She and the other lead form a close bond of friendship and as the series advances you see her growing and learning how to accept her own emotional needs but in a way that is helpful to her, not a source of stress and confusion.

      1. allathian*

        There’s another French TV show called HPI. The main character Morgane’s IQ is 160, but she’s also socially somewhat awkward and has absolutely no filter, she’ll say anything to anyone. To me she reads like she’s more than just very smart, but I’m allistic so who knows. She started out as a cleaner but basically solved a case while cleaning at the police station and now she’s a sort of unofficial cop.

        1. kalli*

          There’s a US remake currently airing called High Potential which, um, has some similar aspects but is also American-procedural-glossy so YMMV.

    3. Dinwar*

      I am not autistic, but my son is. I can no longer watch “Beowolf”–the animated one, with Angelina Jolie as Grendal’s mother. Gredal is ABSOLUTELY coded as autistic, and having seen my son have a meltdown due to over-stimulation I cannot look at this version of Beowolf a heroic.

      I suppose this is an anti-recommendation, just something that irked me recently.

      “Young Sheldon” is surprisingly good. Sheldon may or may not be autistic, but that’s not really important here. What’s important is how the family reacts to him. His father in particular is surprisingly supportive and kind. If you’ve got an autistic person in the family this is a surprisingly good series to watch, in terms of being seen in media.

    4. Just a different redhead*

      Realized the below are all anime series rather than movies… Hope it’s ok to share anyway?

      The one who always comes to mind first is Rei from March Comes In Like A Lion, especially whenever he rejoices about communicating with someone and it being fully understood (warning this series is full of All The Feels).

      Actually both the main characters from 365 Days To The Wedding, within the first episode and continuing through the whole thing.

      Subaru from My Roommate Is A Cat, start to finish while also dealing with grief and growth.

      Ironically, for several reasons, I detest that song from Frozen so my ND may be off in some different directions from yours ^_^;

      There are definitely others including live action movies but I cannot think of them right now, of course XD

    5. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I’m not autistic, but I have nonverbal learning disability, which has some of the same symptoms as autism. I, too, relate to Elsa as well as many other characters played by Idina Menzel, especially Elphaba from Wicked and Maureen from Rent. Her characters are often women who don’t quite fit in somehow and try to do good things, but it often ends up backfiring and they get a bad reputation which they often don’t deserve. I can totally relate to those characters, because the same thing often happens to me. Idina’s songs “Let It Go” and “Defying Gravity” are inspirational to me because they are about self-determination and being independent and not allowing others to control you or exclude you.

    6. Boggle*

      While not movies, what do you think of the main female characters in Queen’s Gambit, and Lessons in Chemistry? I can so relate to them, but I’m not autistic. They are just really logical to me, as I am, so related very well and enjoyed watching them.

  37. Karriegrace*

    Last week someone recommended the Queen’s Thief series as a good YA fantasy read. THANK YOU!! Its been a bit of a chaotic week in my family and I have had to travel and stay with a sick relative and all sorts of troubles (everyone now doing fine) and I have read the entire series while this was going in and it…got me through. I had never heard of it (though I am a big reader of that genre) so to whoever suggested it…very appreciated!

    2. Me Too!*

      This is one of the few series where each book is its own story. Gen is an absolutely fabulous character. They hold together and work as a series set in the same alternate reality, but it isn’t simply continuing the same story again in another book. It’s also the reason why I like the Kristin Cashore books (Graceling, Fire, and Bitterblue. I like Winterkeep and Seasparrow, but I acknowledge that you already have to be a big fan to like them as much).

  38. I didn't say banana*

    Hoping for friendship advice: my friend has just learned that her partner of 10 years, who has always been a jerk to her and in general, has a secret other family. He was with the other woman first so my friend is technically “the mistress”. I won’t detail everything the guy did but, as one example, he let my friend pay for fertility testing for him when they were struggling to conceive, even though he had two children and the other girlfriend was pregnant (he is unemployed so has no money).

    The friendship advice part is that she is still in a relationship with the guy, and I am appalled. How do I support her and be a good friend when I think she’s making a terrible decision?

    1. A313*

      I think this is one of those where you ask questions that her answers might help her (eventually) come to a realization, but telling her what you think probably won’t get you anywhere. Maybe telling her *once* that you want so much more for her than this situation will ever give her, but no more than that. Also, ensure she knows that you are there for her, however things go (as long as that’s how you feel).

    2. Sloanicota*

      Have you asked her if she has legal support? It sounds like they’re not married but her situation may be dicey in several ways and I would worry someone who will keep up this level of duplicity is also a prime candidate to do other shady things regarding our money / property / shared possessions (if any). I’d try to gently encourage her to think through some of those things without trying to convince her to do anything.

      1. I didn't say banana*

        Thankfully, she was in board with this! I know a lot of lawyers professionally so I recommended one and paid for it, so she is now more protected than she was. But she is mad at the lawyer for clearly thinking my friend should end the relationship (which is what everyone is thinking)

    3. Lisa*

      Whooof, that’s terrible. I’m sorry for you and your friend. Not nearly as bad, but my BF started dating a terrible guy who was rude to waiters, constantly complained about everything everyone else wanted and demanded attention and tried to isolate my friend. I just told BF I would only say this once, but that I really didn’t like Boyfriend, gave a few examples why and said I thought he could do better. Another friend had credible evidence Boyfriend was cheating, but BF didn’t believe it. Unfortunately, they were together for 5 years before BF found out Boyfriend had HIV and had hidden it. That was the straw.

      I think it would be okay to say you are appalled, if it were you, you would leave, you think she deserves better, but that you want to be there for her no matter what. Maybe your friend is slower to process and will eventually come around. It’s hard though, especially because she already lets him treat her badly.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      So, betrayal is a rollercoaster, and this decision to stay might not last, and decisions to go might not last either – be prepared for that. Assuming she does stay, I would go full throttle on giving her what she’s definitely not getting from the relationship; confidence, unwavering support, telling her her worth, not questioning her judgement, encouraging her to picture her future and what she wants (with deadlines of when she wants it). If the second chance she’s giving him doesn’t work out, he’ll blame her and wrap it up in another layer of manipulation (between you and me), so she’ll need relentless support. Instead of criticising her judgement for staying, ask her – without any agenda – why she is staying and really listen to the answer. After that, stick to the answer she gave you; getting her to stay true to whatever limits or boundaries she has, or goals she wants the relationship to meet. It seems like telling her she’s crazy and doing wrong by herself would be the most supportive thing, but acting like she’ll figure it all out, or has to process things first, or is understandably committed, is more helpful. One thing that helped me in a similar position was hearing that people had my back no matter what I ultimately decided; it made it more possible for me to voice doubts, especially if people didn’t jump on them. Also, don’t underestimate the power of sheer unadulterated fun. Stuff that doesn’t involve her relationship, or talking about her relationship, but is just the two of you having fun. Laughter is great medicine and undoes a lot of the work of a manipulative relationship.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Steer her towards the website Chump Lady, which is a fantastic site that focuses on this type of cheating/lying as abuse, not a misunderstanding. Her Universal Bullshit Translator posts of various cheaters’ messages to their victims is particularly refreshing. Even if she’s not ready, read it yourself for a new take on this kind of terrible.

      It really cuts through the whole gobbledygook haze surrounding cheating and lying and says no, this was wrong. 100%.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Also adding: particularly focus on the “Pick Me Dance,” which it sounds like your friend is doing right now. Trying to prove that they should be the one who “wins” is a big part of being cheated on, unfortunately.

    6. Tulip*

      I’d recommend you call the national domestic violence hotline, if you haven’t already. (1.800.799.7233 in the U.S.)
      Even just looking through their website is useful.

      I found their advice incredibly helpful when my sister confided in me that something similar was going on in her marriage. I didn’t know how to support her, and they helped me be there for her in a non judgemental way.

      1. Survivor*

        This. After I left my abusive relationship (that I didn’t realize was abuse at the time), I spent a fair amount of time on this website: https://www.what-is-love.org/

        I found it very helpful even if I wasn’t exactly a “young person”.

  39. Busy Middle Manager*

    Anyone else living small this weekend because of the Capital One debacle? And does anyone have a good bank that has branches and has a customer service line that has people or chat bots that actually understand prompts (boy the bar has gotten so low).

    I haven’t paid myself for a month since things were slow for 3 weeks around Christmas. I paid myself 4 small amounts this week, three went through, the large one coincidentally when Capital One outage happened, is still missing. It’s a three day weekend, I already postponed paying all my bills due to the slowness around Christmas but was going to do pay stuff Friday.

    I can imagine people who are more literally paycheck to paycheck are having a very anxiety-ridden couple of days. Especially with the lack of communication or factual updates.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Oh hey! I was expecting to, because payday was yesterday (and my direct deposit usually hits on Thursday) and I hadn’t gotten paid yet, but when I saw this post, I just looked and my direct deposit landed this morning. So hopefully the issue will finish getting resolved very shortly, if it hasn’t already!

    2. Pam Adams*

      Credit unions! You’re not a customer, but a co-owner. While they may be stand alone or small chains, they have a network that allows you to access your money anywhere.

      2. The Dude Abides*

        Seconding – used to work for one, and easily switched to another when the job went south.

      3. Lisa*

        Yes, I came here to say this. I’ve been “banking” with Alliant Credit Union for 15 years. They are one of the biggest and you can join even if you don’t live in Chicago. They’ve actually gotten better, not worse. Their app is fantastic.

        Caveat: I am a person who never goes to a bank branch, only banks online and is perfectly happy being digital only. You’d pick a local CU if you need branch service.

      4. Middle Name Jane*

        Yes, also here to recommend finding a credit union. While some have restrictions on who can join based on military service or employer, others are open. I joined my mom’s credit union at age 17 and have banked there ever since. Good customer service, no stupid fees.

      5. Turtle Dove*

        Yes to credit unions! Years ago I gave up on TCF and moved my accounts to the credit union my husband joined when he started college. Decades later, it’s still going strong. The customer service is outstanding. When I need help, I can chat online with a real live person or place a phone call, which also immediately connects to a real and competent person. We get all our auto loans there too. Not a single complaint, just praise!

      6. MissB*

        Yep. And our credit union just changed the rules about their no fee rewards checking.

        You used to have to make sure you had enough deposits and debits each month, and maybe one other metric? Anyway, members complained and the credit union said, you know what? Never mind all that stuff. We are just going to remove those metrics.

        Way better than a big bank.

      7. IT Manager*

        I keep my emergency fund in a local credit union.

        After the latest bank failures a year or so ago (where the account holders got their money back thanks to FDIC insurance – yay for “big government”! – but it took a few weeks), I decided to have at least that money available in a different institution than my checking/savings.

  40. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

    I’ve realized one of my friendships might be “uneven” and I’m wondering if pulling back on my end would make me a bad friend.

    My friend Shelly moved to another country about a decade ago to be with (and then marry) her long distance boyfriend. We stayed in touch via e-mail, initially exchanging messages every day, but the frequency gradually dropped over the years. About a year ago, Shelly started taking two to four weeks to respond, because she got a part-time job to supplement her husband’s income, she deals with depression, and she’s fully responsible for taking care of her kids, cleaning, cooking, etc. I typically respond the weekend after receiving one of her e-mails.

    Shelly is unhappy with her marriage and various other things, so most of her e-mails are lengthy vents. Responding to these vents takes me at least a few hours because I do my best to be thoughtful and supportive (and it’s a lot to respond to!). She’s said she really appreciates my e-mails because I’m the only one she can be fully honest with, it feels like a real conversation, and she feels validated and listened to and it shows I care about her. If I vent about something, her response is a short sentence or two, like “Sorry to hear that. That really sucks.”

    In my last e-mail, I told her how my job has been making me miserable for various reasons and I’ve started job hunting. When she e-mailed me back on January 1st, she wrote out her typical wall-of-text vent, and ended with, “Sorry I don’t have time to respond to anything in your last e-mail, but please know that I always enjoy reading your e-mails.”

    I was hurt that she didn’t have time for the minimal “Sorry, that sucks” type of acknowledgement about my job misery, but had time to vent about her life. It made me think about how writing my “thoughtful” e-mails is time consuming and tiring, but I don’t get the same effort back. I respond to her fairly quickly even though I don’t have much free time, but maybe I should start prioritizing finding time to relax with a book or a hobby on the weekend over quickly responding to her?

    I haven’t answered her Jan 1st e-mail yet. She followed up with a quick “Oh, and I’m sorry your job sucks now” message a few days ago. It made me feel a little better, but I’m still questioning if I’m putting too much effort into this friendship. Would it make me a bad friend to start taking longer to respond and to respond to less (like just responding to one thing she vented about)? I feel really bad about wanting to do this since it sounds like the quick and thoughtful responses are meaningful and helpful to her, but I think it’s what I’d tell a friend to do if they were in my situation.

    1. Overthinking Disney*

      I’m maybe overly sensitive to energy inequality in friendships, but yeah I’d say this is a good time to pull back a bit and reassess. It’s very easy for some people to fall into a therapist model (and tbh that takes two to tango). But you’re not a therapist, and it’s possible doing this for her isn’t serving her *either* as it allows her to stay stuck and not find real counseling. What could you do with that energy you were pouring into responding to her letters if you put it into someone who helped you back (or just yourself?). It doesn’t have to be a black and white thing; you can keep emailing, just say, “gosh that all sounds tough. What do you think you’re going to do” at the outset, and then share what feels meaningful for you to share. If you think it would be good to keep it lighter for a while with what you share, feel free to do that – that will be matching her energy in terms of her support to you.

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        She does see a therapist once a week (she finds the therapy helpful at least some of the time), but what you said about our friendship turning into a therapist type relationship makes sense to me, and I don’t want to be a therapist. She’s making plans to work toward getting a divorce, so maybe our friendship will be more friendship-like again someday when her life doesn’t revolve around her horrible husband.

        Thank you for the ““gosh that all sounds tough. What do you think you’re going to do” script. That wouldn’t require any effort on my part, but I think it still conveys I’m “listening” and am interested/concerned about what’s going on in her life.

    2. Still*

      Well, of course quick and thoughtful responses are valuable to her, but that doesn’t mean you need to keep providing them if you’re not getting a similar amount of effort in return. It’s not “being a bad friend” to match the level of energy and attention you’re receiving. You might become less close as a result but… well, she’s shown you what she’s willing to offer. You get to adjust your behaviour based on that.

      Alternatively, would you be open to trying a different form of communication? For me, it’s less draining to listen to a friend vent over the phone than to reply to a long venting email. Maybe she could be more supportive over a different medium as well?

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        I think phone calls/video calls would feel like less effort and take less time than e-mails, but we both actually have phone anxiety and there’s a nine-hour time difference. (Being able to relate to phone anxiety but enjoying writing are two things that make us good friends, lol!)

        I do actually worry that we’ll be less close if I pull back on the friendship on my end, but at the same time I’m already feeling less close because the friendship feels uneven, so it doesn’t really matter.

        Saying I’m allowed to “match the level of energy and attention” I’m receiving is good advice. Thank you!

    3. Double A*

      It sounds like a lot of what helps her about your correspondence is that she gets to put it all in writing. I’m sure she appreciates your responses, but I bet it’s mostly the fact that you respond and are sympathetic. If you were less detailed she’d probably appreciate it as much. As such, she probably thinks you have the same need, which is mostly to vent and to be acknowledged. She would probably be fine with you responding to her the way she responds to you (brief acknowledgement) but you want her to respond to the way you respond to her (hours of thoughtful commentary).

      Any chance you two could have a phone call periodically? It’s a lot easier to be reciprocal in a conversation.

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        We both hate phone calls, unfortunately. But what you said about how “she would probably be fine with you responding to her the way she responds to you (brief acknowledgement)” make sense. When she’s told me how appreciative she is of my responses, I might have misunderstood and thought it was the quick responses and “thoughtful commentary” she appreciated, but she very well could have just appreciated that she was getting to write out long vents about her problems and get acknowledged.

        If I start responding to her in the same way she responds to me and it doesn’t go over well, then at that point I can try to nicely explain that my old way of responding was taking up too much time and energy that it wasn’t being reciprocated.

        1. KeinName*

          I think you should start with that last course of action? In a nice way?
          That is, if you would be willing to provide the quick and long emails if you got similar.

          1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

            I’ve thought about it some more, and I think that (even nicely) explaining that I want to match her effort level would upset her, even if it was in response to her questioning slower and shorter responses. The best excuse would probably be to say I’m busy and am dealing with tough things in my life too, so I just don’t have the time and energy to respond like I used to. Which is true.

            I would be motivated to continue providing quick and thoughtful responses if it was reciprocated, but I can’t imagine her having the time to do that. (And now realize I should adjust my responses accordingly.)

            1. KeinName*

              I see! What if you, in addition to making an excuse, just said once that you understand she is busy, and in a bad place currently, but it makes you sad that your issues aren’t acknowledged in the same way than you aknowledge hers?
              Or wait out that period of her divorce and see if that creates space for her to engage with you more – but dial back your attention to her issues in the meantime. Anyway, you will find a way that feels comfortable to you!

    4. Saturday*

      You would not be a bad friend if you didn’t spend hours responding and if you took some more time before responding. You can only give what you can give, and this seems understandably draining. It’s hard to keep up a long-distance friendship. I think you should try to adjust what you’re doing until it feels more comfortable to you.

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        I agree that long-distance friendships are hard. I wish we still lived near each other so I could help her out. Her life has been genuinely rough.

        But, also, I normally I would have responded to her one or two weekends ago, and it’s been freeing to allow myself to think “I really need some time to relax and read this weekend, so I’ll get back to her later” and “my mousing hand is hurting from the intense week at work, I’m just going to avoid the computer this weekend.”

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      The “feels like a real conversation” is the key here, I think. Because to her it feels like an ideal conversation; she gets to rant and be soothed by you without having to listen or contribute on her end.

      Basically, she wants you to be her therapist, and that’s not a role you want. Wanting to respond less and being hurt that she’s using your friendship this way (that second quick “oh and sorry your job sucks” shows she knows you were injured by her non-response) are valid here.

      She’s having a tough time, for sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to provide all her emotional support with no returning attention.

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        I guess it’s not a “real conversation” unless the ranting and soothing are mutual, lol! I still enjoy talking to her about non-venting things, so I’ll adjust to focusing on those topics and give brief “that sucks, how are you going to handle it” type responses to vents. If she gets upset, then the friendship might have just run its course.

    6. Honoria Lucasta*

      if she’s this good of a friend, someone you’ve known for this long, I think it would be fair to actually express your sadness to her in your next email say something about how you were disappointed by her brusque reaction and how it made you feel like she didn’t listen to you. I wouldn’t put it in terms of “she didn’t listen to you as much as you listen to her”, because it’s not a transactional relationship where you earn so many points of listening by doing so many points of listening. but I think you should say that you didn’t feel understood when you shared what was going on in your life that is hard and give her a chance to turn the situation around. I have a good friend that I’ve known for over half my life now, who communicates mostly through text messages, and we went through some rough patches where one or the other of us kind of dominated the conversation. It took calling each other out to turn things around, but we did. if she cares about you this much, she will adjust.

      1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

        I understand your suggestion of telling her that her brusque reaction made me feel like she didn’t listen because friends should be able to communicate hard things like “you hurt me” or “you’re letting me down.”

        But I don’t think I have the spoons to have a feelings conversation with her right now (I’m stressed out about work and some other things) and I wonder if we’re a mismatch in communication styles/expectations? Like Double A suggested, maybe she thinks a brief acknowledgement of a vent suffices and wouldn’t be upset if I started mirroring that? It seems easier to adjust my expectations and adjust what I’m doing. I don’t want to impose on her with my hurt feelings when she’s going through so many tough things, and at the same time it doesn’t feel necessary to impose on my own time/energy anymore to take care of her feelings.

        (That’s cool that you have a good friend that you communicate with mostly though text. I imagine it’s more like a conversation than e-mails are.)

        1. Honoria Lucasta*

          That makes sense, that your own life stress makes it feel like you’re not in a good place to have that “confrontation” with her. And I see where you’re coming from as you think she might not be receptive right now because of all the turmoil in her life.

          It might make sense right now, while you’re both in tough situations, to simply dial back the intensity of your responses, whether by slowing down or by putting less time into replying.

          In this world where friendship is so hard to come by, I would encourage you to hold out for a time when you can tell her before you treat this friendship in your heart as something on its way out. I’ve also had to give up on friendships with people who were thoughtless of my interests and actually quite mean to me (insulting me to my face while taking my picture, for example, or expecting me to dogsit for free). If this turns out to be one of those “friendships”, you should definitely let it fade away.

          1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

            Oh, yeah, I agree that friendship is hard to come by, especially as an adult. I wouldn’t say she’s a bad friend and I don’t want to abandon her. Her venting took over her e-mails gradually over the years. Maybe my thoughtful responses encouraged all the venting and she’ll vent less if it’s not as satisfying to vent to me anymore? Maybe she can’t give thoughtful responses to my vents because she’s too overwhelmed with her own problems? Overthinking Disney’s script should handle her vents and I can spend the rest of the time talking about innocuous stuff. If she gets upset at the changes and can’t accept that I don’t have the time/energy to respond like I did before, then I’ll know it’s turned into one of those “friendships.”

            1. allathian*

              I’ve ended one-sided frienships before, either explicitly or by no longer being available.

              Looks like this thread’s given you some clarity, and I hope that your friend can adjust to the lower effort you’re willing to put into your emails from now on.

              1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

                Yes!!! After getting the responses on this post I don’t feel guilty about wanting to taking longer to respond and not wanting to invest a ton of time in responding to her vents. I’m going to e-mail her today and plan to not apologize for taking longer to respond than usual since I haven’t done anything wrong by being busy and I never question her about taking up to a month to respond. It’ll be less stressful because the e-mail will be much shorter and I’ll be focusing on normal/fun things instead of her vents.

        2. Sloanicota*

          FWIW I think it totally makes sense to just offer what feels good and right and proportional to offer right now, without having a draining conversation that possibly neither of you even want to have, and see if that works. If she reacts negatively or ask about the change, you can then a) explain you’re busy and stressed and don’t have time anymore and b) decide based on her reaction if you want to mention the inequality in the spirit of fixing the issue, or not.

          1. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

            Saving the inequality conversation as the final attempt to salvage the friendship if she reacts negatively to the change and then is still upset after I explain I’m too busy and stressed to throw tons of time at her problems is a good idea. If it comes to that, then it’s like, “I made adjustments on my end to try to fix the problem myself without burdening you, then I gave reasonable explanations on why I had to make the adjustments without putting any blame on you, so I’ve been really nice about it and need you to adjust your expectations or make a change on your end at this point if you want to continue the friendship.”

    7. Qwerty*

      Is it possible to switch to time-boxed monthly (or quarterly) phone call?

      It is surprisingly easy to descend into a wall-of-text vent, especially on the computer where the words just flow. I don’t think people even realize they do it. I noticed in my early twenties that when I thought I was sending a paragraph or two about something emotional that it was actually a page, so now I don’t email about emotional stuff. Phone calls are easier to control the conversation – ask about the kids, interrupt when it turns into venting, start talking about yourself, etc. You have to get comfortable about interrupting so that you get to talk too. It also gives you openings to say “you’ve been venting a lot in the last couple calls in a way that I can’t support you, maybe it would be helpful to [see a therapist / write in a journal / find an outlet]

      (Sorry for not answering your question – my friends and I are realizing that modern communication styles aren’t working for us and we’re happier going back to less techy times. Other friends I’ve started prioritizing having positive interactions over knowing what is going on each others lives, so its mostly swapping pictures of their kids for pictures of my cat)

      Back to your original question – absolutely take longer to respond! I think you are approaching it as “This 5 page email is my homework and giving a swift response is how I show I care” compared to her “I need to respond to friend but too busy to do it now”. Honestly she might not notice if you increase your response time from 2 days to 7 days. Decrease how much you respond to her vent to just a couple sentences and feel free to skim the venting part. You aren’t her therapist, so think of it more like when you meet a friend for drink and they start venting while you just make supportive sounds while entertaining yourself by people watching until the story is over.

  41. Elle Woods*

    How do you deal with disappointment when you’re forced to miss out on something you were really looking forward to? On Wednesday my husband slipped and broke his leg, so obviously travel is a no go. We’re both grateful he’s going to be OK but both super bummed we had to cancel our trip; we’ve had a few stressful months and really needed the long weekend away.

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      It IS a bummer! Sometimes I think to myself, well – at least it didn’t happen ON the trip! Try to do a few indulgent things if you can, whatever sounds good to you and is OK on your budget, such as ordering your favorite meal for carryout or a new game you’ve been wanting to play.
      Sorry this happened to him! Hope he recovers well and quickly.

    2. Lisa*

      Oh, this happened to us! In 2017, we were all set to go on an amazing 10 day vacation to Greece. And the day before, my husband passed out at work. He had an inner ear infection. He couldn’t fly. We had to cancel the whole trip. It was so disappointing for both of us.

      It was actually helpful he already had the time off scheduled so he could recover at home and not worry about work. Once he was able to tie his shoes without falling down, we went on a mini trip to a nearby mountain area for the 2nd half of the time off. It wasn’t the same, but it was something. And by the end of the 10 days, he was better and able to go back to work.

      Since you weren’t going to be home anyway, don’t do anything like chores. Try to have a staycation as much as possible. Then set a new trip for when he’s going to be better so you have something to look forward to.

      1. Elle Woods*

        So sorry this happened to you too; glad your husband started feeling better and you were able to use some of the time to travel.

        Haven’t been doing any chores at all. Instead, doing things like napping, watching football & hockey, and reading books that have been on my “to be read” pile for far too long.

    3. Weaponized Pumpkin*

      I had a leg injury a few days before a two-week trip to Norway and it SUCKED. Honestly I cried for days. We were so excited about it! I don’t have any advice — like any other disappointment you just have to feel, grieve, and process it. We took a short local trip a few weeks later when I could walk again and made the best of it.

    4. chocolate muffins*

      Oh, that is sucky. I am sorry this happened to you.

      I usually try to give myself space to feel my feelings, while also doing something nice for myself. So sit and feel disappointed for a while, then take a nice hot bath, for instance. Or sometimes sit and feel disappointed *in* my nice hot bath! Maybe baths are not your thing, that’s just an example, but the general idea is to mix in nice stuff for me with experiencing whatever negative stuff is coming up for me.

      1. Elle Woods*

        Thanks. I decided to feel my feelings this morning by heading to the gym and taking it out on the punching bag. I’m sure I’ll be sore as heck tomorrow but it sure felt good to let it all out.

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Maybe you can have a bit of a pretend holiday at home- fancier breakfasts, reading some Bill Bryson travel books to each other, watching comedians doing travel shows and so on. Wearing your travel slippers! Using different plates and cups – you get the idea. Decorating his leg cast with little drawings of foreign places, luggage labels and so on. Something lighthearted – something silly- one day you will look back and say Well, that time we had a holiday at home…
      Best wishes to you both

      1. Elle Woods*

        Thanks. We’ve been laying low at home but did get a pleasant surprise when one of our friends stopped by with our pizza from our favorite pizza joint.

  42. Jjjjjjjuuuu*

    I am travelling to Tokyo in the fall and am looking for recommendations. I‘m a product designer and particularly interested in architecture, art, crafts and subculture. If anyone has recommendations and/or stories of your time in Japan, I‘d love to hear them!

    1. Lifelong student*

      We traveled in Japan about 7 years ago- loved it. Many people speak some English- the train announcements are in English and Japanese. Whenever we felt confused, someone would offer to help out. Sorry – not too many recommendations- but the fish market is worth a visit. We took the local transit with no problems- people were so nice to help. Enjoy your trip!

    2. Lisa*

      When we went, I looked for festivals/events that would coincide with our time there. We ended up going to a small town in the mountains north of Tokyo for a spring cherry blossom festival that was very cool.

      Subculture is kinda vague, but there’s certainly a bunch of different ones in Japan. Do you mean Golden Gai or manga or cat cafes or tea ceremony or sumo or obsessively detailed gift wrapping?

      You could easily just wander around with no goal at all and find tons of different architecture in each district. One of the cooler things about Japan is really old stuff alongside really modern stuff.

    3. Catherine*

      As a resident, TeamLabs Tokyo is my number 1 can’t-miss-it event/attraction. I send everyone who visits me there.

    4. Tokyo Recs*

      Go to Hotel Gajoen in Meguro and visit whatever exhibit is showing at the Hyakudan Kaidan (100 stairs). Afterwards walk through the hotel’s beautiful first floor, and have tea or a bite to eat in the cafe/lounge looking over the inner courtyard.

      I also recommend Team Lab – they have 2 exhibits, one in Toyosu and another called Borderless at Azabudai Hills. Both are really cool, I particularly liked Borderless but would happily go back to either of them. You need to make reservations for a particular day and time slot.

      Nezu Museum is a small museum with a nice, quiet garden. It’s located at one end of Omotesando. Omotesando has high end shopping and is a nice stroll afterwards. Omotesando Hills is also there which is an interesting building with shopping. If you want to you can stroll to the other end towards Jingu-Mae, and visit Takeshita Dori which has lots of stores geared towards teenagers/younger generation (JPOP, KPOP, clothes, accessories, etc).

      The National Art Center has a cool architecture and exterior

      Yuzawara is a craft store chain. Its main location is in Kamata (southern part of Tokyo towards Kawasaki and Yokohama) so outside the usual tourist area but has 3 buildings filled with fabrics, thread, embroidery projects, paper, etc etc. If you like buying craft supplies – it can be a lot of fun to look around.

  43. Coffee*

    Bakers of AAM, especially those who bake for people with sensitivities, I need your help!
    I need to make a cake mix cake without eggs. I Googled it of course and I see a bunch of options but I’m hoping to get some first hand experience in regards to which substitution works the best for a yellow cake.
    it’s for someone with an egg sensitivity but there are no other dietary restrictions

    1. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      Bob’s Red Mill makes egg replacer that works really well (it would be in the baking aisle). Other things like plain Greek yogurt, applesauce, or banana can also be good replacements, depending on what you are making. For a yellow cake, I would probably use Greek yogurt so there’s not a residual apple or banana flavor. I will also say, elevation can matter with substitutions. If you are not at a high elevation, any of these will work. If you are at a high elevation I would not use banana or applesauce.

    2. CityMouse*

      Applesauce, yogurt, or Just Egg can work but each has some pluses and minuses.

      You could make a cola cake with a boxed mix (literally just a can of coke with a boxed mix) , it will be extra sweet but the texture will work.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        If you’d prefer to not have the extra sweetness of coke, you can also simply use sparkling water! Makes for a lovely cake.

    3. Kathenus*

      My entire childhood my mom made us ‘mayonnaise cake’ for every birthday (replaced the eggs and oil) – it was great! Now regular mayonnaise has some egg product in it, but they make some now without. So that might be an option. I saw lots of recipes online with a quick search.

    4. WFH4VR*

      Mayonnaise, vegetable oil, milk, buttermilk. You’re essentially just replacing a fatty liquid with another variety.

      1. Lisa*

        Mayonnaise has eggs in it. That’s why it works.

        Also… eggs do more than just add liquid. They add leavening. Might be okay with a box mix that is probably set pretty high for user error, but it might collapse in the middle.

    5. Lisa*

      Aquafaba, which is the liquid from a can of chickpeas. In this time of insanely priced/sold out eggs, that is what I am using to make cornbread today. But I also saved this on my phone from King Arthur Baking. They tried everything!

      http://www.kingarthurbaking.com/blog/2021/01/21/guide-for-substituting-eggs-best-egg-replacers

      If you are willing to work without a mix, “wacky cake” or “depression cake” is a cake leavened by the reaction of vinegar and baking soda and has no dairy or eggs. It’s usually chocolate, but you can look for vanilla, coconut and other variants.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Depression cake was my first thought too, though I’ve only made the chocolate King Arthur flour recipe (King Arthur’s Original Cake Pan cake). So delicious and better than I ever would have expected without eggs or butter.

    6. Alex*

      Depression cake! Well technically it is not a mix, but it is SO easy to make. There are lots of recipes for it on the internet but it is basically flour, cocoa, sugar, baking soda, salt for the dry ingredients, and then the wet ingredients are vinegar, oil, and water. It is so easy I think I started baking this by myself when I was 8-9. And it is good! I used to make the birthday cakes with this recipe in my family.

    7. KristinaL*

      I’ve used peanut butter to substitute for eggs, but I don’t have exact proportions, and it can make the results less smooth. It’s also harder to mix.

  44. KeinName*

    What’s a nice hotel in Dublin? It’s for my birthday, and I like a good, Extremsportler breakfast buffet and a hot sauna.
    That seems to put me in the luxury hotel category in Dublin :)
    Have you any good tips?

        1. KeinName*

          Yes. Can’t say I use that word often. Or ever. But it describes my behaviour at the buffet well.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I am disappointed that the Extremesportler is not a new and exciting form of breakfast buffet to explore.

    2. Lisa*

      We stayed at the Shelbourne for an anniversary trip before COVID. It had a really good breakfast buffet then, not sure now. They also have a spa. Looks like they do have a sauna in the gym, but I didn’t use it.

    3. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I really The Brooks, particularly if you get a Signature Room. It’s a comfortable 4-star, each room is a little different and very charming, the breakfast is good (you get access to a medium-size buffet but also order something hot off a menu, too). It’s in a busy area but the street itself is slightly quieter, which i like.

  45. Middle Name Jane*

    Feeling down today. Took my 14 year old cat to the vet today for a checkup and blood work. It will be Monday or Tuesday before they have the results, but the vet thinks it’s possible she has developed hyperthyroidism, which is common in older cats. We talked about a prescription diet, medication, etc.

    I know I shouldn’t spend all weekend worrying when we won’t have her lab work until next week, but she’s my baby and I know very well how old she is, but I’m not ready for this. Guess it’s good I have therapy on Monday.

    1. Lisa*

      Oh! When I first started reading, I thought you were going to say your kitty had cancer and I was set to give condolences. Your kitty is just old and has a totally treatable condition. My kitty had this and lived many years with it. May I recommend the click stick with meds that go on the ear? Much easier than a pill.

      I’m glad your kitty is okay! I’m also glad you have therapy soon, but in the mean time, maybe flip the script and be grateful your old lady has something treatable.

      1. Middle Name Jane*

        I know! This is the ugly side of my anxiety disorder. We don’t even know for sure that she has hyperthyroidism. My mind jumps ahead to the day when I won’t have her anymore, and I can’t take it.

        1. Sloanicota*

          As someone who just lost a dear old cat, I would gently say that I think it’s okay to start feeling out the edges of this cliff before you’re there, so don’t be hard on yourself. I feel like one day my cat was young. Then the next day the doctor started to fuss about our vet results for the first time, and I thought “oh no, I can’t lose her, etc etc” – and I was being silly, she was just fine for several more years and we had many good times together. However, from then on it would occasionally cross my mind a bit more that she was getting older. I realized she was 16, then 17, then 18. When the time finally did come, it was not such a horrible shock because I had been gently feeling it out for a long time.

          1. Middle Name Jane*

            Thank you for validating this! I’ve been in a place for the last year or two where I have been thinking ahead to her death (but not dwelling on it). It’s reality, and it will put me into an emotional tailspin, but I need to ease into thinking about it some so maybe the shock won’t be as bad. My family has been dismissive of this, but it’s what I need.

            1. Sloanicota*

              I admit I’m a bit anxious/high strung as well, but I’m the same. I need to pre-feel some things a bit. I do try to limit it to things that are inevitable and not just endlessly worry about things that might never happen. Unfortunately some types of loss are inevitable and thus worth preparing for, IMO. Other people don’t need to understand (but that also means I may process privately or only with people who get it).

    2. Flower*

      Ah, it’s hard when your kitty doesn’t feel well! But if it is hyperthyroidism, that is reasonably easy to treat successfully, I understand. A friend’s cat developed it very young and with easy treatment he’s still going strong after 17 years! Hang in there.

      1. Double A*

        Yes! We started treating my cat for this at about 17 and she lived until 20. Definitely something they can die with and not from. If you can swing it (financially, it’s a bit pricey) the ear lotion version of the medication is very easy if your cat is at all hard to pull.

        1. Middle Name Jane*

          I would definitely have to do the transdermal medicine. She won’t tolerate me giving her a pill or liquid.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Our elder kitty also has hyperthyroidism and it’s quite easily controlled with medication. Things to ask/consider: is she okay with taking pills, or having meds in her food? Peanut cat hates being pilled but doesn’t mind his meds being crushed into his wet food.

      Also, keep an eye on dosage. Peanut was on one level for years and then started losing weight and overgrooming out of nowhere–we had to do a couple tests to determine that yep, med levels needed adjusting.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Suggestion — ask your vet specifically to keep a close eye on kitty’s kidney health while you work out the thyroid stuff. Kidney issues and thyroid issues can often show up in proximity to each other and, in medical ways I don’t quite understand, help keep each other in check in cats. We got my mom’s 16 year old cat medicated for her thyroid issues, and then kidney issues appeared quite quickly and unexpectedly. (I’m sorry, I don’t mean to give you another thing to worry about :( but I’d rather share the info than not.)

      1. Middle Name Jane*

        It’s okay, and thank you. My anxiety disorder means I have no shortage of things to worry about, unfortunately.

    5. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      My cat wouldn’t accept pills, and had the ear gel medication instead. I had to measure out a little blob from a syringe onto my finger and then rub it onto the non furry side of her ear. She would put her ear down every time when she saw me getting it ready, but those ‘flatten ears’ muscles aren’t very strong! Interestingly she seemed to grasp that it only happened once a day, and was happy to have her ears rubbed or stroked at other times.
      Because you don’t want the medication being absorbed by your skin and affecting your own thyroid, you need to cover your finger – I did buy some expensive ‘finger cots’ but realised I could just cut the individual fingers off disposable gloves and use them.
      Ear gel for the win! I hope your cat will have many happy years ahead with you!

      1. Donottry*

        So our kitty had thyroid issues years ago and she actually had surgery to eliminate the potential cancer/thyroid growth. She was 17 then and lived to be 22 with no issues. Is surgery an option for you?

  46. Downsizing*

    so, we are leaving our 4800 square foot home to move to 1800 square feet. We have been pretty structured about sorting stuff. our children are launched in professional careers and will visit but never live in our small town again. Any thoughts or advice about that kind of change? We have lived here 20 years and have promised not to have storage units.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Why have you promised not to have storage units? I don’t endorse them as a way to hold onto stuff your kids don’t want and that you’ll never use, but if you really pare down to things you care about/need, the release valve of a storage unit can be really helpful. Also, it’s okay to use one as a transition, and review the contents/downsize after a year or two.

      I moved from a large house to a small apartment, and I keep my camping and ski gear in storage, my Christmas tree, luggage, very large holiday cooking/entertaining items, and some art and hardcover books that I’m not ready to part with.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I agree that having a designated storage unit can be a good thing! Especially for stuff like decorations or equipment that isn’t used all the time.

    2. Bonne chance*

      I have been liking KC Davis’s podcast Struggle Care, and she has some early episodes about decluttering, organizing a space, etc.

      The goal, as she frames it, is to have a functional space with things you want, and she emphasizes that there are lots of ways to do that. I appreciate how she presents ways to decide whether to keep something, and how one can part with it (trash, giveaway, selling, passing something sentimental but that you don’t want to keep to a loved one who knows they are allowed to get rid of it if you can’t, etc.). I think episode 16 (“Decluttering Sentimental Items”) or episode 5 (“Gentle Organizing”) could be helpful, depending on where you’re at!

    3. nonprofit director*

      I agree you don’t need storage units in the long term. Moving from 4800 sf, an 1800 sf house might seem very small. But depending on the number of rooms, storage space in the rooms, and if you have a garage, 1800 sf should be plenty of room for two adults plus occasional visits from adult children and their families. You will be getting rid of furniture and accessories from rooms you will no longer have, so that right there will eliminate a lot of the stuff that is taking up space in your 4800 sf house.

      However, a short-term storage unit, as Not a Manager suggests, might be valuable if you find you still have too much stuff to comfortably fit into 1800 sf. It might take a period of several months to be able to emotionally release the things you are no longer using and most likely will not use. Donations of furniture and household goods and accessories, especially if high quality, are often very welcome and you might feel good about your no-longer-needed things bringing joy to someone else.

    4. Girasol*

      We went from 2800 to 1200. One of us leans toward kondo-style neatness and the other more toward hoarding. We added a Tuffshed in the back yard that really helped to keep the house neat and to store a lot of the “but we can’t get rid of that!” stuff. It’s good for a bike and a kayak and garden tools too.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Is there an overlap in owning the spaces? When my brother- and sister-in-law moved into their retirement home they brought in the minimum and lived with it for a month or so. (This lets you discover “Okay we need a chair here, and some storage here.”) Then moved in a bit more and got rid of the rest. They are my heroes. The space feels so uncluttered.

    6. Downsizing*

      we have given away the dining set from one of our 2 dining rooms and furnished a couple of houses. 100 year old houses have small closets. The storage unit space comes from the fact that we are not Christian, only have hobbies that involve small tents and rope, and asked all of our children to get their stuff. yarn has gone to Project Linus.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        Out of curiosity – what does having a storage unit or not intersect with whether someone is Christian? I’ve never heard of this before.

        1. Higher-ed Jessica*

          Maybe that a thing people often store, and that has already been mentioned by commenters, is a Christmas tree/decorations.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’m not entirely sure what your question is, if you’re comfortable with your new space and your current possessions. Are you asking about how two people who are used to a lot of space will co-exist in a smaller space? Are you asking how best to utilize the storage space you have on-site? How to cook in a smaller kitchen? How to entertain your kids when they do visit?

    8. Squidhead*

      If you haven’t already done so, make arrangements with your children to take any of their remaining stuff! I genuinely thought I had taken most of my stuff from my parents’ house until it was time for the house to sell…and then here was the dollhouse, and some outdoor gear, and the high school sports team framed photos, and some of this and that. Plus furniture that I actually would have liked to keep but I lived on the opposite side of the country and it simply wasn’t practical (or cost-effective) to ship it.

      I think it’s pretty reasonable to tell your kids you won’t be storing or moving anything for them and they need to get it before you sell. (Different if it’s, like, Grandma’s rocker that is yours now but is also promised to your youngest or something like that.)

    9. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’ve been watching the Minimal Mom on YouTube and I really like her approach to paring down stuff. I also like Marie Kondo’s book/process. I’ll never be a total minimalist (I host Thanksgiving, so need more than just a few plates!), nor would I really want to be, but I have reduced our stuff by about 50% and it feels AWESOME.
      I’ve given away a lot to nieces and nephews, even jewelry that I’m not wearing anymore. And I’ve donated tons to a local non profit that helps women coming out of bad situations, and that makes me feel better about letting my nice stuff move on to the next person.

    10. Minnesotan*

      This is blowing my mind!! 4800 square feet seems…so big. Like a small museum. Was it full?! Of things? I imagine you’ll mostly have a lot of furniture to sell. Our house is 1600 square feet plus a one car garage (not attached) and we have two adults and two kids who live here quite comfortably.

      1. Generic Name*

        My current house is about 3200 sf, and that feels ginormous. We have a guest bedroom that gets occasional use and another room that is my home office. Came in handy during Covid, but I’m primarily in office now. The basement has a bunch of unused space. We have 2 eating areas and 2 living areas. We plan to downsize at retirement, and I plan on getting rid of at least half our furniture.

      2. downsizing*

        Yup. Three full stories. I’m not counting the 2 apartments in the basement. We used to be a multigenerational family of 6. Now just 2 of us. The smallest bedroom is 15 x 16 feet. It is rather a lot therefor the downsize.

    11. HannahS*

      You might find it absolutely wonderful! I know of a couple that made a change like that (though they still had 2 kids at home) and after the initial move-in adjustment, the mom was THRILLED. The new house was easier to keep clean, there was less ‘stuff’ to manage, cheaper to heat and cool, the family spent more time together. It made life simpler and more pleasant, without sacrificing comfort.

      One of my beliefs about decluttering is that the right amount of stuff is the amount that you can regularly use. When I go to open-houses of houses that size, what I notice is that there are often multiple, say, living rooms. Theres a formal living room, a family room with a TV, and then maybe another space that’s more kid-oriented. But two people can live very nicely with one living room that is furnished beautifully and has a TV in it. So I’d choose my favourite furniture set and donate or sell the rest.

    12. tab*

      My husband and I did this last year, and we had been in our home for 36 years! We gave away and sold a LOT of stuff, and it still wasn’t enough! My advice is to cull your possessions deeply and thoroughly. I had told my husband years early, that I was only moving the things that I love. I ended up giving away more stuff after we moved. The epilogue is that I love our new, smaller home. We moved to be closer to family and to enjoy city life and nice weather. We are both very, very happy with the move (even though it was expensive). I wish the same for you and your husband.

    13. Pickles*

      After helping parents and in-laws declutter for many years, I’m committed to the question of if I would take it to the old folks home. It’s helpful.

  47. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    In my last post in the open work thread ( https://www.askamanager.org/2025/01/open-thread-january-17-2025.html#comment-4981643 ), I said after I no longer worked at the flea market, I still wound up dealing with the owner after he fired us all for not being men. So here’s how that happened. Be warned, it’s long and a full banana ensemble with all the banana accessories.

    Part I

    About ten years after I no longer worked at the flea market (and about eight years after it closed down), my spouse and I rented a seemingly lovely 60s ranch house about ten miles out of town for a suspiciously good price. The only downside was the landlord’s mansion loomed from the hill above. The only part of the mansion we could see from our windows was the wing with his garages, which was five times the size of our house and three storeys tall. It was still intimidating but we figured surely it’s worth the rent.

    We quickly found out that the landlord was very erratic. Due to previous bad experiences, we had specified on our lease that we needed 24 hour notice before the landlord enters the house, except in case of emergency. Somehow, everything became an emergency requiring the landlord to enter whenever he felt like it. I’d come home to find mud and melted snow tracked through the living room and our stuff moved around. Then I’d get a notice from the property manager saying the landlord was unhappy because there were dishes in the sink. No good explanation on why he was there, he just barged in and started messing with something that he swore was urgent.

    Sometimes he would fix things that weren’t broken or break things that were working fine. He would do things like dig up the septic tank (he owned construction equipment for personal use) or replace the water heater, but not finish the job and we’d be stuck without water for days (occasionally a week). We complained to the property manager multiple times but the landlord still kept randomly appearing at any time of day, always causing headache and stress for us. If the rent wasn’t so cheap in an area of inflated housing prices, we might have broken the lease and moved elsewhere.

    This whole time, something about the landlord was bugging me. It was like I knew him from somewhere but couldn’t place it. Then one day on yet another call to the property manager, she tried to dismiss our concerns by saying he was very busy at his veterinary practice. Something clicked and I went wait, that wouldn’t happen to be X Practice? And she said yes, are you familiar with it?

    Yes, I was familiar with it. That’s the practice that almost killed one of our cats because the vet went on an impromptu beach vacation, locked staff out, and left all the pets who were hospitalized there without treatment for days (when we complained, they literally told us “that’s tough luck”). And the vet that owns that practice happened to be my former boss, the owner of the flea market. Suddenly the erratic behavior made sense. And I vowed to GTFO at the first opportunity.

    Side note: I didn’t recognize the landlord’s name when we signed the lease. He has a common name, like Bob, and we signed through the property manager.

    Part II will be nested under this comment.

    1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      Part II

      About ten months after moving in, spouse and I both got much better jobs in another state so we were excited to move. Spouse went on ahead and I stayed behind to finalize the moving plans. We used a service where a trailer was delivered, we filled it at our leisure, then called to have it picked up. When the trailer was dropped off, the driver (despite his best efforts) snagged the (hanging far too low by state law) electrical cables that went from the pole to the detached work shed and yanked them right out of the wall.

      Side note: We were not allowed to look inside the work shed under penalty of eviction. I feel like me not looking inside was the best decision because there may have been a good chance my body would be buried somewhere in the woods if I had been caught looking.

      When this happens, the procedure was supposed to be that the property owner contacts the moving company to arrange whatever is necessary for insurance and getting it repaired. But the landlord refused to do that. No explanation for why, not even handing it off to his lawyers, just he absolutely refused. He said he would fix it himself and that my spouse and I could reimburse him the costs since it was our moving truck that caused it. He came up with $6000 as the amount it would be. Haha, no.

      In the last week leading up to the moving date, the landlord increased pressure on me. Family had come to help me finish packing while they stayed at a nearby hotel. The trailer was finally picked up and I had a few more days of cleanup left. I had hired a cleaning service to come in on the last day. The day before, I spent most of the day dealing with trash, miscellaneous things, packing my car, and selling large pieces we weren’t taking. It took most of the day, with various people in and out of the house. The whole day, the landlord drove around the edge of the property in his backhoe with binoculars. This was a normal activity for him (claimed birdwatching) but something about this time felt off.

      Finally, it evening and after dark. My family had retired to the hotel for the night and I was finishing up with the last few people buying the last piece of furniture. I was now all alone in a house ten miles outside of town with no other house for miles other than the landlord’s. And that’s when the landlord appeared out of nowhere. He informed me that he expected payment of the $6000 now and he wasn’t leaving until he got his money. That is when I started to panic.

      Side note: I’m NB but to the landlord, I was a young woman alone in the middle of nowhere, which made it extra terrifying for me.

      Somehow, I managed to convince him to wait until the morning since I had to be there to give the cleaning service payment when they arrived. He left and I got to work. See, I knew he was going to show up the next morning well before the cleaning service arrived. They always arrived at 8am, which meant he might be there by 7am. And though I had planned to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and finish the last dregs in the morning, there was no way in hell I was going to let him catch me alone again.

      So I stayed up almost all night finishing everything that needed to be finished and got a couple hours of sleep. I got up at 5am in the dark, did one last quick check, left the keys on the kitchen counter, then went outside to leave. That’s when I noticed all the lights (that I could see) at the landlord’s mansion were on and his unnecessarily giant pickup was parked in his driveway (which he’d never do unless he was awake). Trying not to panic, I put my car in neutral and in the still pitch black, pushed it down the half mile long driveway until I got to the highway where a bank of trees blocked view of the landlord’s mansion. Then I hopped into my car and fled as fast as I could into town to the hotel where my family was staying (they had rented a room for me just in case I got delayed leaving). I called the cleaning service (run by a woman I was friends with) and left a message, explained what happened, apologized that I wouldn’t be there in the morning but the house was unlocked and I was leaving her check at the hotel front desk. I then blocked the landlord’s number from my cell and crashed into bed.

      Five hours later, I woke up to a call from my spouse. He said the landlord showed up at 6am and was furious that I wasn’t there. The landlord demanded his $6000 immediately. Spouse said “Sure, just send us an invoice.” Landlord kept trying to convince spouse to pay, spouse kept saying we’d pay if we got an invoice that itemized the repairs and included whatever deductions were made from the moving company’s insurance payout. Landlord then tried to claim we also owed another $2000 because we left the house completely filthy. This dude showed up two hours before the cleaning service arrived, of course it was a little mess still (but hardly filthy). The cleaning service owner said she’d straighten it out and this wasn’t the first time he’d shown up at a property before it was cleaned and tried to claim tenants left it dirty.

      I hadn’t planned to leave until the following morning so I could get a full night of sleep. Unfortunately, while hanging out after supper that evening, the cleaning service friend called and said the landlord found out I was staying at a hotel in town with my family and was looking for my car in all the hotel parking lots. So I decided it was time to leave, said my goodbyes to my family, jumped back in my car, and snuck out the back entrance that led directly to the interstate.

      And that is the story how I fled town under cover of darkness to avoid the flea market owner from extorting money from me. He never sent us an invoice and I never heard from him again.

      He still runs a veterinary clinic in that town. His ex-wife is still a partner at the clinic. The flea market site is now a yoga studio.

        1. Esprit de l'escalier*

          Me too! I was so relieved that you finally did escape! Wow, this guy is just as banana-extreme as you said.

      3. Anonymous Cat*

        Wow. oOo. Wow.

        (You always have great stories! If you ever publish anything inspired by these, please let us know!)

    2. nnn*

      I saw you say on the Friday thread that you had more stories like this to post here so I wanted to let you know Alison has asked that people not post lengthy ‘this is what happened to me’ stories here because it got out of control in the past :)

      1. Enough*

        This post is response to a question on the very first post. So I believe it falls into an exception.

  48. Instant Pot cooking question*

    I’d like to cook brown rice and kale in my IP at (more or less) the same time. The rice will take 23 minutes and the kale (cooked as I like it) will take 8 minutes. Will it work if I set the IP initially for 15 minutes with the rice and water, then do an immediate pressure release, add the kale and re-set for 8 more minutes? Any pitfalls I should be aware of?

    I realize that the total cooking time for the rice will end up as more than 23 minutes because of the additional pressurize and de-pressurize periods. Should I allow for that and do an initial 21 minutes instead of 23?

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      Can you soak the brown rice ahead of time? Or maybe parcook it and then put in the fridge or freezer for making this dish later?

      I’ve never tried these things, so just guessing.

      1. Instant Pot cooking question*

        Thanks for giving this a try, but I have to tell you that pre-soaking brown rice takes maybe 2 minutes off its cooking time in the IP compared to unsoaked brown rice. Very different from soaking white rice which significantly reduces the cooking time.

        Thinking about the kale part of the equation, now I’m tempted to throw the kale in with the rice at the start and find out just how soft winter kale can become. Or maybe I should first experiment with only kale for 23 minutes and not potentially ruin a pot of rice as well as a pot of kale :)

    2. Jules the First*

      Yes, you should allow for the second depressure in your cook time, depending on how quickly it repressurises, you might also need to allow for that too. It’s going to be a bit trial and error, so might be worth cooking just rice a few times with the split cooking time before you start adding kale. I can’t comment on whether you could just put the kale in for longer because I already can’t wrap my head around 8min pressure cooked kale, but if you like it that’s what matters!

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Yeah, I like my kale to still have a bit of crunch, so I’d probably just throw it in to the hot rice at the end and trust a few minutes in the residual heat to cook it as much as it needed to be for my tastes…

  49. The Dude Abides*

    Hybrid drivers, I need some input.

    I was discussing wanting to switch to electric/hybrid with my next car. I do a lot of highway driving, and someone else who drives one said that for his hybrid, above 55mph it’s 100% gas.

    Is this only for a particular model/manufacturer, or something I should grill the dealership on?

    1. CityMouse*

      I’ve never heard of that. My car does 45 miles of range electric, then switches to gas, could that be what he meant? 45 is enough that my car almost exclusively runs electrically.

      1. The Dude Abides*

        He specifically referred to speed; either interpretation is a deal-breaker. My “shorter” drives are 120-150mi RT, the usual is 300-400mi, and last year I had three drives of 700-800mi.

        1. CityMouse*

          To be clear my plug in hybrid can act as a fully gas car, it just also has 45 miles of electric and then I get excellent mileage on that setting from the hybrid settings. I have a Rav4 Prime.

          My Bolt gets a max of 230 miles of range, depending on temperature and the heater. That is all electric.

          Right now, no electric car has anywhere close to 700 miles of range. They’re getting close to rapid charging which wouldn’t be much longer than filling up for gas, but the tech isn’t there yet.

    2. Garcina*

      It’s not a set speed but how much energy the car is using that matters. At higher speeds you’re likely to pull more so the engine is likely to move to gas only, but can also be using both. At 15mph in town, it can run on electric only. This is typical of hybrids, not to a specific make or model. There is lots of info about this online, including a reddit sub dedicated to discussing it, if you want to research it further before making a decision. It will be worth talking to your dealership about as well, but it’s such a ubiquitous feature of hybrids that you should probably be informed before you get there.

    3. Honoria Lucasta*

      When I drove an early model Prius, it seemed like the electric motor would still kick in on the highway from time to time. I have heard universally that hybrid vehicles get lower gas mileage on the highway than they do in town because there are fewer opportunities percentage wise for the electric motor to take over. I think that’s partly because the electric motor in a hybrid is smaller than the one in something designed to be all electric. I know technology has changed a lot since then though, so it might be something to ask the dealership about.

    4. Rick Tq*

      Take a sample vehicle out for a spin on the highway, the sales rep at the dealer isn’t likely to know. I’ve had Ford hybrids for years (2006 Escape, 2017 Fusion, 2020 Explorer, 2022 F150) and the first three (and especially the Escape and Fusion) would go full electric at highway speeds if I had cruise control engaged. The Fusion was the normal hybrid with the small battery pack, the PHEV version needs a battery that takes up most of the trunk.

      Getting the most mileage out of a hybrid requires a very gentle driving style with slower starts and more rolling stops than you may be used to. Using the adaptive cruise control helps too, and the new systems do a great job of pacing the vehicle in front of you without heavy breaking.

    5. Generic Name*

      That’s not how my Prius worked. I really loved that car, but eventually sold it because, well, I’d had it for 12 years, and I wanted a 4wd car that could handle the mountains after my ex moved out.

    6. *daha**

      This is NOT true for plug-in hybrids, until you run out of charge. They have bigger electric motors, and bigger batteries, and the battery fully powers the car at all speeds until it the charge drops too low. At that point the gas engine cuts in a provides the power that propels you. You plug in the car at night to fully the charge the battery. During driving, when you use the brakes to slow you down they add charge to the battery, but eventually it wears all the way down and you use gas. Once you are using gas you get the gas mileage the vehicle gets as a normal gas/electric hybrid. So it helps to know how many miles of range the battery offers. For some users, they will never use gas on their regular commute, as long as they charge at night.
      With a non-plugin hybrid, the lower capacity of the battery and lower power of the electric motor means that you won’t get the benefit of electric power beyond a certain speed. The speed itself will vary depending on model. This is why hybrids have better gas mileage for “city” than for “highway”. And “highway” mileage does not mean 70 mph – it is calculated based on slower roads. You’ll still get great gas mileage compared to a non-hybrid, with it being best the more time you spend at slower speeds, or in city traffic. The gas engine is typically an Atkinson-cycle engine. It has a long exhaust stroke to eek every erg out of the power stroke, and effectively a short compression stroke that takes in less gas per cycle. The displacement (e.g. 2.5 liters) reflects the exhaust stroke, and horsepower is more like a much smaller engine.
      Try finding a forum for users of the specific model you’re looking at, describe your usage pattern, and ask users what real-world mpg they are getting.

    7. Alex*

      I have a hybrid car, and yes, typically most highway driving is “100% gas” in that the little light that shows I’m running on complete EV power goes off. This happens periodically when regular driving as well–when I am going up a hill, when I start driving from a complete stop and am accelerating, such as from a stop light.

      BUT that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get pretty awesome highway milage anyway. Sure, if I’m not driving on the highway, I get better milage, but trips when I am going 100% on the highway, I still get about 42-46mpg. My car is rated 50mpg combined.

      Cold weather also affects MPG–on one SUPER cold highway drive, my mpg was in the 30s and I was pissed, lol. For reference, I have a kia niro.

    8. Jules the First*

      It’s worth talking to the dealer about how the battery and engine play together at highway speeds. I know that the VW hybrid I use frequently is stubborn about using the petrol engine when it isn’t regularly plugged in, even if there’s plenty of charge on the battery. On auto mode it tends to be exclusively electric at speeds 20mph or below and pretty much exclusively petrol at highway speeds unless it has a hefty charge on board. That said, I do like driving it – it’s definitely peppier than the all-petrol version.

    9. IT Manager*

      I have a hybrid Ford Escape and it lets me select Electric-only regardless of speed.

      In the Auto-Electric setting, it chooses when is most efficient to be gas vs electric, and it does switch to gas often when accelerating in highways. But it would stay all electric if I asked it to.

      (I LOVE my hybrid Escape, btw. I have a really long commute, and even when I have no charge at all in the battery, it’s incredibly efficient. And all my local trips are 100% electric)

      1. IT Manager*

        Sorry should specify. It’s a PHEV hybrid. So it has a small battery it uses when I select all-electric driving for local trips.

        We also have a full electric Honda and we all like the Escape PHEV hybrid better FWIW.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      Not exactly right. You can set a traditional hybrid Prius to run in full electric mode, but it doesn’t have a lot of range or acceleration that way. I leave mine set to Eco mode, and it switches back and forth, battery or gas, as needed. It sounds like you’re considering a plug-in hybrid, which isn’t what I drive. Still, for what it’s worth…

      On level road — this is the Midwest; we have lots of that — my Prius will stay in “Eco” range at 80 mph if I’m not slowing and speeding up. It only goes to “Power” mode (consumption gauge in the red zone) when accelerating. Eco isn’t full electric, but I averaged over 60 mpg on I-80 crossing Illinois, Iowa and Nebraska. Not bad for a heavily loaded 12-year-old car and a lead-footed driver.

      I will admit that crossing the Rockies dropped my mileage below 45. No matter what the signs said, some of those grades had to be a lot more than 15 degrees. It felt like I was constantly either braking, or accelerating just to climb the next rise. That wasn’t a matter of speed, though, but of power.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yeah, I live in the Denver area, and my little Prius struggled badly going up i70 into the mountains. She always made it, but when I became single, it’s one of the reasons I decided to get a new car.

    11. Retired Mostly*

      I think most hybrids only get 45-50 miles on a charge. My Mercedes will run all electric with plenty of pep till it runs out of charge, then seamlessly switches to gas. My usual daily driving is 25 miles round trip, so I rarely use gas.

    12. fhqwhgads*

      Are you talking about a PZEV or PHEV?
      In other words, are you looking at an ICE car with a hybrid battery that improves it’s MPG? Or an electric car with a gasoline range extender?

  50. Esp*

    Oh gosh, Tosca just jumped off the parapet. (I’ve heard this opera a zillion times, but that last scene always saddens me.) This time I happened to wonder how they would stage it if the Tosca was physically unable to get up to the top of the parapet wall. Maybe an artful ramp? I suppose the death scene with Scarpia would also be difficult to stage if Tosca had serious mobility problems.

    Well, really, any opera role with some amount of physical action could pose similar problems. I’m remembering a long-ago production of Magic Flute where the Sarastro had a broken leg and was using crutches. He was lowered onto the stage in the basket of a hot-air balloon — a very elegant solution. But it’s hard to imagine this working for, say, Don Giovanni in the opening scene or La Somnambula somnambulating, just off the top of my head.

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      There’s an opera-house legend (apocryphal I’m sure) about a production of Tosca where there was a trampoline placed behind the set for the soprano to land on following that final leap… but the interaction between her mass and the trampoline’s bounciness and the comparative height of it and the set led to unintentional hilarity…

    2. Fellow Traveller*

      I work in opera and yes, there have been Toscas that don’t jump, for whatever reason. They usually just end up running up the parapet and then offstage. Sometimes there’s double. It’s not a good look. Going up the parapet itslef is always a negotiation of how many steps do tey want to do at a time and the director working with that to get them there eventually.
      Things happen. We work it out. Usually if there is an injury, there is a curtain speech to explain it to the audience. Or we have the singer sing the part and someone else walk the part onstage.

  51. Mexico Airlines?*

    Would anyone who has Volaria, Viva or Areomex airlines share their experiences please?
    I will be traveling to Mexico soon. While there I will be visiting another city. I’m confident with all the other travel arrangements, but I don’t know much about the airlines.
    Thanks.

    1. Donottry*

      If you mean Aeromexico, that is the largest airline in Mexico and very reputable. The other two are discount airlines and the services etc. reflect that.

  52. Old Phone Help*

    My old android phone recently stopped receiving group texts. In the group I’m not getting messages from, everyone else is on an iphone. I tried turning off chat features in my app, but that didn’t help.

    One person sent me a screenshot, and my message to the group has an SMS note (my outgoing message says MMS on my phone). Another person’s message (that I didn’t receive) says RCS. I googled these, but… ugh.

    Any ideas about what I can try?

    1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      My Samsung Galaxy is not old and this happens to me too, with friends who are iPhone users. It’s sporadic, but it’s real and I’ve had send screenshots back that’s like “I didn’t get the text!” Good luck!

      1. Sloanicota*

        What stinks is, as someone who now has an iphone because it was cheaper the day I needed a phone, iphones are the problem but androids tend to experience the glitch. I don’t think this is an accident, because apple wants people to think iphones are more better/convenient and you should switch. But it’s the iphones causing the issue by using their own system that’s less compatible.

    2. Tradd*

      This might not have been what you were thinking of, but try to get everyone to use a different messaging app. WhatsApp is the logical choice, but maybe FB Messenger is used by all in the group. Friends and I got tired of the issues with group texts even since Apple started supporting RCS last fall. With some groups, we use FB Messenger and other friend groups prefer WhatsApp. They’re platform agnostic, so it does’t matter which OS everyone uses.

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      There are lots of hiccups in group text threads that include both iPhone and Android devices. The simplest solution will be for the group to agree on a messaging app like Signal or Telegram or WhatsApp and move the conversation there. No issues caused by different operating systems there.

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Same problem here with my old android phone. I assumed the operative word for this problem was “old”, but the responses above suggest that it might be “android”. However, it seems unlikely to me that the various group texts that my phone isn’t downloading (but I get the notifications) are all coming from iPhone users. Surely I’m not the only android user in all of these groups. Hmm.

    5. Annie*

      I had this this problem a while back, and the solution was to have the sender force close the messaging app, go back in, then start a new text thread with everyone in it. Once that’s done, the recipient just has to force close their messaging app then reopen.

    6. allathian*

      Whatsapp or another dedicated app that works on both platforms. Group texts on SMS are needlessly complicated by comparison.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      It’s not you. It’s them.
      I had an at-the-time very new Android. Person on my group text had a not-that-old but not new iPhone. Their group texts went only to the iPhone users, not me.
      Every other iPhone user I knew who group-texted a mix of Androids and iPhones went through just fine. Even people with the same model iPhone and carrier.
      It was annoying for a year. Eventually, person in question got a new iPhone. Immediately when they group texted, I received them again.

    8. Zona the Great*

      That’s super annoying and I don’t mean to minimize but my first thought was, “how do I sign up for that!?”. I seem to only get very bothersome group texts I didn’t ask to be part of!

    9. ThursdaysGeek*

      I want to know if you figure it out. My spouse and I just both got new Android phones. RCS works for me (it didn’t on my old phone) so I’m getting the group chats. It won’t work for him. And texts from a group with iPhones means he doesn’t get them and doesn’t know.

  53. Ochre*

    How does your brain work? Lighthearted question! (Took place at work but has nothing really to do with work.)

    Scenario: a piece of equipment needs a daily quality control check. This entails checking it with a bottle of “low” solution and a bottle of “high” solution. It doesn’t matter which order you do the checks in, but both have to be done or the equipment will lock out and won’t work. The bottle of “low” solution is green in color and labeled “1.” The “high” solution bottle is red in color and labeled “3.” Which one do you do first and why?

    I was surprised by my co-worker’s answer, which I’ll put in the comments.

    1. Ochre*

      She said she does the “green bottle first because green comes first in alphabetical order“. Anyone else?!

    3. Anono-me*

      Test Number 1 is first. Because consistency in testing protocols helps with being thorough and #1=1st is easy to remember.

      2. Peanut Hamper*

        Yep, this. At work, I actually name files with leading zeros so they will stay in order in any computer system, because some systems don’t understand how the human brain works. So rather than 1, 2, 3, ….. 500, 501, 502, etc., I always go 001, 002, 003, ….. 500, 501, 502, etc.

        You need a song to remember the order of the alphabet. You don’t need one for numbers.

        1. Peanut Hamper*

          Also, I always date files in YYYY.MM.DD format, so that they are always sorted in chronological order. It makes life on a computer so much easier.

          1. Esprit de l'escalier*

            I do this too, and I find it very annoying when people start their file names with mm-dd-yyyy when we’re sharing a folder — don’t they have any concept of sort order, for goodness sake?

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I do it MMDDYYYY, but I also create sub-folders for years, so all the 2024 files will be in the 2024 folder and still in chronological order, and only the current-year files will be in the top level folder. Otherwise there’s too much to look at and I can’t find anything because it all runs together, regardless of how it’s named. (If there’s a lot of files, like it’s a daily thing, I’ll do monthly sub-folders too, 01-2025 and so on, and move those into the yearly one at the end of each month.)

        2. Grace*

          “You need a song to remember the order of the alphabet.”

          *blinks in confusion*

          Who needs a song to remember the alphabet? This is alarming me unduly!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            The way I read that was, when you’re learning the ABCs they come with a sing-song melody, but there isn’t really one of those for numbers (except maybe from that pinball animation on Sesame Street but I don’t ever remember hearing that in school).

            1. Singalong*

              One, two, three, four, five,
              Once I caught a fish alive.
              Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
              Then I let it go again.
              Why did you let it go?
              Because it bit my finger so.
              Which finger did it bite?
              This little finger on the right.

          2. RagingADHD*

            I learned it that way, so it’s more work to try to block the song out than it is to sing along while alphabetizing. I don’t think I need it, per se, but it’s there nonetheless.

            Just like I could recite the Preamble to the Constitution, but I’d have to actively stop myself from singing the Schoolhouse Rock version.

            1. Grace*

              That I get! Though I don’t have to work to block it out personally, and I would have to make more effort to recall the song than the alphabet itself.

              It’s the claim Peanut Hamper made that one NEEDS the song to know the alphabet that concerns me.

        3. *daha**

          At work I have to pick part numbers out of system that does not sort by number value. It applies some alphabetic-numeric sorting instead, I don’t know if there’s a name for it. If the list includes parts numbered 16, 17, 163, and 1635, they will be in the order 16, 163, 1635, 17.

    5. TPS reporter*

      1 or go for green seems natural to me to start with and feels like it would help me remember to do both solutions

    6. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

      I’d check bottle #1 first so that I was checking them in numerical order. (So if it was bottles #2 and #3, I’d check #2 first.)

      If one bottle was on the left side of the equipment and one was on the right side, I might check the one on the left first though. (You read from left to right, so I would start on the left.)

    7. Dinwar*

      I read the user manual thoroughly and figure out which way the manufacturer does it. Then I document this, and use that method.

      The number of times this has saved me–from things ranging from “We need to resample this” to “Oh crap, I’m going to jail”–is non-trivial.

      If the manufacturer doesn’t recommend, I opt for low-to-high. Most of the time this comes up with pH, and I sample high-pH (basic) water, so I want the high end to be more accurate. After that, it’s whichever thing I grab first.

    8. Middle Name Jane*

      Ooo, fascinating. I’m answering this without having looked at any of the comments.

      I would do 1, then 3, because of numerical order.

    9. allathian*

      Numerical order. That said, for me all the ordering methods match up, low before high and green before red also feel natural.

    10. Gronk*

      If there’s no reason you have to pick one way, I’d probably do them sometimes 1 first, sometimes 3 first. I like variety! I am also someone who would be fine with sleeping on either side of the bed, so maybe I’m an outlier. If I have to choose one way to do it consistently, I’d chose 1 then 3

    13. fhqwhgads*

      I’d do green first for three reasons:
      1 – first because one
      Low – first because start at the bottom and go up
      Green – first because green is go

      3 – last because 3 is larger than 1
      High – last because start at the bottom and go up
      Red – last because red is stop, and since there are only two checks, stop after the second one

    14. Clumsy Ninja*

      I would have read the manual to see which order, and if there was truly nothing in the manual to indicate a preferred order, I would start with green because 1. Then I would be completely weirded out that there was no 2, and then gone to 3.

  54. Looking for weekend ideas*

    What kinds of things do you do on the weekends that bring you pleasure and refresh you? Last year was really tough and I seem to have forgotten how to enjoy my weekends. But I need to for my mental health. I used to know how to do this! Some of the things I’m trying to reclaim are playing an instrument, cooking, reading (although reading on my phone tends to get me to just scrolling mindlessly). I’d love to hear your ideas, big or small! Thanks!

    1. MissB*

      Gardening. Just spending time in touch with the soil helps me reset. The whole process of starting the seeds, growing out the plant and harvesting is just so right for me.

      1. BellaStella*

        Same – today I am adding new soil to potted plants and re potting some small plants that I have indoors. Also for me it is cooking too. And agree with missB that if you can start seeds and care for them it is calming and fun. Today I am cooking red sauce with been for pasta for a couple of days of food. Good luck! I had a rough year last year too and I am claiming my weekends and turning off my phone etc.

    2. Sloanicota*

      My main thing has been setting a timer (it’s actually a playlist, but whatever) to remind me to stop scrolling and go do something. I need the reminder or else I’m apparently fully capable of spending several hours just sitting on the couch refreshing websites. This discipline is going to be more and more necessary as I predict darkening news stories in the coming years. So I give myself limited time – a 20 minute playlist usually – and then have to switch to my “action” playlist which is for my crafting time, or shut off the music and go outside.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Taking a walk! Ideally I would do a hike but a lot of times the mental load of finding and choosing a trail (plus the drive to get to it) is too much of a barrier for me, so when I’m not up for An Outing I just walk to and around the park near me, or drive to an easy nearby trail.

      If I’m walking alone I listen to an audiobook, so it feels more productive and I can give myself “credit” for both reading and exercising at the same time.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I actually just removed my scrolling-of-choice app from my phone’s Home Screen and put my Kindle app in the slot it used to be in to see if that will reduce my mindless scrolling :)

    6. Enjoy Nebraska*

      Reorganizing (or getting things back in order in) my favorite spaces! Usually this means going thru the sewing room.

    7. chocolate muffins*

      A few years ago I read a question in a book, something like, “Do your leisure activities help you feel refreshed or exhausted?” I hadn’t thought of things that way before and that’s been helpful to me since then in picking things that will help me actually rest. For instance, scrolling mindlessly is not necessarily restful, so I don’t do that so much, though I do scroll with intention (like I read these threads because I find that restful, but that doesn’t seem mindless, to me). Here’s some other stuff that helps me rest:

      – Exercise.
      – Watching things, again with intent. Like there are some TV shows that I very much enjoy so I will watch an episode or two. That is restful. Watching a bunch of episodes, or things I don’t enjoy, isn’t restful so I don’t do that.
      – Reading novels.
      – Spending time with people I enjoy.
      – Going for walks. This is usually a combination of “exercise” and “spending time with people I enjoy” :)
      – Cooking a bunch of food and freezing most of it to eat during the week.

      I also try to care for parts of myself that aren’t necessarily cared for during the week. For instance, my work is very intellectually stimulating and makes me use my brain to think deep thoughts, which I enjoy but which I also do a lot of when I’m working. So rest time is not really for deep thought, for me (that’s why I specified reading novels above – I read a lot for work, but that is not the kind of reading I do when I want to rest). But if I felt intellectually understimulated at work, then rest for me might be reading something that really made me use my brain. So I might think about what is rare to get during the week but that you want more of in your life, and try to incorporate some of those things.

    8. Inky Fingers*

      Hitting garage/estate sales! Even though I don’t need more *stuff*, it’s just fun to snoop around for a couple of hours, and sometimes I find real finds in dead people’s houses. (Youtube search the song “Estate Sale” by Cheryl Weaver, says it all;-)

      1. GoryDetails*

        I love “Estate Sale”! Haven’t listened to it in some time, but I still recall my delight the first time I heard it. (Got to see Wheeler in concert once – great fun!)

    9. Chaordic One*

      It really is hard to find time to do something fun and relaxing. I have a tendency to spend way too much time online and too much time running about shopping. While I do enjoy those things, they get to where they don’t leave me with any time for anything else. So, seconding Sloanicota and Dark Macadamia, sign off from the internet and take a walk. The fresh air and exercise will do you a load of good. And then go ahead and practice playing an instrument, cooking, reading, sketching, talking to a friend on the phone or visiting in person, going to a concert, to a coffee shop, to a museum, to a class, to a lecture.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      Walking in the woods or on a beach. Any kind of nature, really. I second gardening as well.
      Good luck!

    11. HannahS*

      When I was single, my inclination was to rot on the couch and then whoops it was night time.

      I made a rule that said I had to go out on each weekend day, beyond just doing groceries. I didn’t always make it social–usually not, actually–but I really got to know my local attractions, and it was good for me. Sometimes it was a hike, sometimes a walk, sometimes shopping, sometimes a museum.

  55. Bobina*

    Aside from Pinterest, what are the easiest websites to use for planning/inspiration for home decor? I’ve been thinking it’s going to be time to do a bit of redecorating soon and I’d like somewhere I can ideate in terms of paint colours/carpets/furniture etc.

    I think what I actually want more is somewhere I can mock things up rather than just pin ideas, but something that can do both would be perfect.

    Help? UK based if that makes any difference

    1. MJ*

      One YouTube designer I watch uses Milanote for her mood boards. When she shows them in her videos it looks like the pinned images include links to the site they are from. It looks like it might work for layouts too, but I’ve never tried it. It looks like you can get a free account to try it out.

    2. Part time lab tech*

      Houzz has a wide variety of pictures. I noticed it doesn’t look like it’s updated very much recently though.
      Maybe Pinterest too?

  56. Person from the Resume*

    Since Monday, I removed Facebook and IG from my phones home screen. The apps arestill on my phone. I need FB for organizing and participating in groups and events.

    I did used to limit usage by time, but that never worked because I can click the code and buttons for more time without conscious thought.

    I’ve been super busy but I have also reduced the time on Facebook. I log in and see more than 5 notifications because I’m not checking constantly.

    I just really hope the search for the app doesn’t become muscle memory like opening the app was.

    OTOH there have been moments of procrastination where I use a different phone time waster rather than FB. Which isn’t great because it really is chasing the dopamine high, but the alternate is still better than FB and IG feeds.

    Any other suggestions? Quitting FB cold turkey is a no go because I still need to use it.

    1. Le le lemon*

      I do not log into FB on my phone – only my laptop. I too need it for certain groups, but I figure – I know roughly the schedule of when X will be posted, so I’ll check on those days. If I post a Q in one of the groups I’m in, I’ll check per day to see what responses I got.
      Nobody my age posts anything in feeds that wasn’t already on their IG feed.
      I also turn off ping notifications on my phone for similar apps, so I can set the parameters of when I look. Especially when “you may know X” “Y posted a photo” is considered a notification these days. Don’t care!

      1. Sloanicota*

        That’s what I do too. It is tough because a few friends use FB messager almost like text and are constantly low level irked at me for always missing messages, but I’ve just kept on keeping on (I have always been this way, which helps). By not having IG or FB or the other FB products on my phone and only logging in via privacy browser, I’m hopefully denying Zuck and his ilk a lot of information about me.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Alas, whatsapp is also a FB property now. A whole different group exclusively uses that, so I don’t get to chat with them anymore.

    2. TX_Trucker*

      I “disable” the apps I want to limit using from the settings menu. They are still on my phone, but it’s a bit more involved to turn them back on, than just finding them – which you are correct, becomes automatic muscle memory.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I have always used FB just in a browser on my phone and never the app – the past couple of weeks I signed out and also had it ‘forget’ my profile. I also took it off of the quick bookmarks that show when I go to open a new tab. So it now takes a lot of extra work for me to sign in. Like you, there are groups I am part of that keep me from quitting entirely (Buy Nothing!) but I want to dramatically decrease my usage, and I’ve found I haven’t been missing it much. I do have the Messenger app, so I’m not missing messages from actual friends.
      I also went back and deleted all my old posts and photos, so my profile is pretty ‘blank’ as an added disincentive to returning to more active use.

    4. I just really can’t think of a name*

      I like my local Buy Nothing group, but would prefer to delete FB entirely. So I went in and unfriended everyone (and deleted my profile pic). So now it’s not compelling at all and I never open it unless I want to post on Buy Nothing. (I like that it’s also a good reminder to maintain connections in real life, rather than feeling connected online without real interaction.)

  57. Wired Wolf*

    Does anyone have experience with drivers on Ubuntu Linux? I made the jump from Windows on my desktop PC a few days ago, and am running into some snags with getting my printer working (drivers) as well as my wireless network. My wireless adapter (USB antenna which Windows used with no issues, and it’s supposed to work under Linux) is detected, but it can’t see my wifi network.

    1. David*

      Oof, sorry to hear that! Seems like when something doesn’t work it’s always a driver to blame, lol.

      I think it’d be hard to help you here without more specific details, but in general, you probably have to find some information online about your specific piece of hardware and which drivers you need, and make sure you’ve got the right ones. There are sites more focused on Ubuntu support where you’d probably have an easier time finding that information. One that I’ve used sometimes in the past is called “Ask Ubuntu”, although note that it’s not an official channel to the company, it’s just Ubuntu users supporting each other, but many of them are quite knowledgeable. (Some of them also don’t have the best manners, unfortunately.)

  58. Lilian Field*

    Can anyone recommend any good resources or books on bullies or bullying, especially some might be relevant for neurodivergent teens? I’ve done some research, but a lot of what I’ve found seems targeted at schools and teachers. I’m looking for some good advice for teenagers themselves on how to handle bullying. Thanks very much in advance.

    And, to make sure that this post stays light, here’s a reminder that Brittany Howard’s album What Now came out last year and was pretty great! https://open.spotify.com/album/79MPzNLyjgol1RfGZDZLH2?si=cZoSE0EVT9OaKqrf7ZHYqA

    2. RagingADHD*

      I just clicked my own link above, and was quite surprised to see how much the branding around that program has changed since I first read about it ten or fifteen years ago. It seems very clickbaity and chest-thumping now, so I don’t know whether the material itself has changed or if it’s just being positioned for acceptance by schools and parents in a very different social environment.

      If the material is the same, it is not at all the way the website splash page makes it appear. It was very empathetic and full of encouragement when I read it.

    3. Nightengale*

      I literally just read “Standing Up for Myself” by Evaleen Whelton. The author is autistic.
      The book is about about self advocacy which includes recognizing and dealing with bullying. It’s in workbook format (with a note non-writer me appreciates that the reader could write, draw or think about the prompts.) I really like it includes a concrete practical list of ways to say “no” online

      It may be a little younger but I also really recommend Carol Gray’s bullying guide. It has information for adults first and then ends with a social story for kids.

      https://carolgraysocialstories.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Spring-2004-ISSUE-and-workbook.pdf

      Gray is one of few non-autistic people I recommend on autism topics. She makes the rare point that adults often confuse the topic of bullying with the target – that is, they act like the kid just needs to talk less about dinosaurs to avoid bullying. This syncs with my experience (both as a neurodivergent kid and now a professional working with many neurodivergent kids) and is basically absent from the bullying literature. Since all the self-advocacy in the world is useless if the adults brush off or blame the kid.

      1. Nightengale*

        I should add, the Gray book was written in 2001 and uses the term ASD which I would never use today but it’s very respectful and so I do still recommend it.

        1. Lilian Field*

          Wow, these recs are *exactly* what I was looking for and I don’t think I would have found them without you! Thank you so much!

  59. Clara Bowe*

    What are people cooking this weekend?

    I decided to commit and buy some soup/rice freezer molds, so made a big pot of carrot/ginger/squash/leek soup to freeze into bricks, along with a whole bunch of rice.

    I also found a cool recipe on Budget Bytes for a ricotta toast. I had extra from a recipe and it was a great way to use it up! (I did the grape/thyme/bacon one with a touch of balsamic vinegar.)

    I am also craving some tteokbokki, so that is on the menu for tomorrow.

    1. *daha**

      I just filled the crockpot with high-salt, high-fat, low effort ingredients for tonight’s dinner. To wit: a 2-lb bag of potato puffs, 2 14oz kielbasa, sliced, 6 cups shredded cheddar, one can cream of mushroom soup, a diced onion, and milk to about 3/4 of the soup can. Give it a good stir after the first hour or so.

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I’m going to make the lamb-chickpea shawarma soup someone recommended here last weekend! And pesto pasta using pesto we made last summer from our garden basil.

    4. ElastiGirl*

      Last night I made roasted salmon with a browned butter and maple syrup sauce. So easy and delicious.

      Tonight it’s the meatloaf/mashed potatoes combo from Costco. Also so easy and delicious. The best meatloaf I know.

    5. Hatchet*

      Colder weather calls for a big pot of chili! The secret ingredient is Korean gochujang red pepper paste!

    6. Elle Woods*

      Lindsay from Pinch of Yum just shared a Thai Peanut Chicken Bowl recipe that I’m making tonight. Fingers crossed it turns out!

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Tonight scallops with chorizo to use up some chorizo.
      Tomorrow pork tenderloin with winter fruits.

      We are expecting snow.

      Later in the week, a carrot soup and a lentil soup.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Snow coming here, so I’m making a big pot of pork and beans, using some heirloom sulfur beans. (I also have the big freezer-cube molds, and will be using them for the leftovers.)

    9. RussianInTexas*

      Green curry and coconut vegetable soup with tofu. The base of ginger, garlic, scallions, green curry paste, coconut milk, mint, cilantro, vegetable broth.
      Veggies: cabbage, green beans, zucchini, more scallions, and then tofu. It’s going to be cold, so a hot a spicy soup sounded like a good idea for lunches. I’ll be eating it with since chili crisp.
      Tomorrow there will be rib roast, been thawing for a couple of days now.

    10. carcinization*

      I made Epicurious’ Hominy, Tomato, & Chile (though they spell it Chili) soup yesterday, I think I mentioned planning to in last week’s thread. I make it every year and every year I wonder if it’s really as good as I remember it to be, but it is! It’s cold outside and my husband and I haven’t been feeling great, so we ate almost the whole thing, but he gets the leftovers this evening, while I’m eating leftovers of Half-Baked Harvest’s Saucy Tahini Noodles w/Honey’d Sweet Potatoes.

  60. *daha**

    Attn Facebook on Android users – I’ve got a new phone (Rvvl 7 running Androidk 14). When I click “like” I get a sound. I’d rather have silence. How do I opt out?
    (I’ve been exploring settings within Facebook and within Android, and haven’t found the right one.)

  61. My Brain is Exploding*

    Please help! I need to find a pair of loose, comfy sweatpants (emphasis on loose) without elastic at the ankles (so a possibility she could remove them without removing her shoes, but that’s secondary) for my under-5-foot-tall MIL to wear after she has some knee surgery. It’s really hard to tell looking online if they will fit over a bulky dressing. Ideas?

    3. Reba*

      LL Bean ultra soft sweatpants, straight leg. Or the multisport lifestyle sweatpants look wider in the leg.

      Athleta Sea Soft straight leg pants.

      All available in petite!

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Old Navy Extra High-Waisted SoComfy Wide-Leg Sweatpants come in petite lengths. (They also have other wide leg sweatpants in petite sizes).

    5. CanadaGoose*

      See if searching for palazzo pants, or wide-legged lounge pants finds you what you want. Both are comfy without being “sweats” exactly. And in petite lengths, obviously.

    7. Kay*

      I have one from Vuori without the fitted ankles. They are soft, stretchy and very loose from the top down, even more so if you size up. Aside from that I would say try a place like Nordstrom Rack or TJMaxx to see what kind of options they have.

  62. Lifelong student*

    Critical question- directions to make lasagna on the box say to use a 9 by 13 pan. The noodles are not 13 inches long. Why

    2. WestSideStory*

      Is this for cooked noodles or the kind that are “oven ready?”

      Depending on the noodle. Oven-ready are to be placed crosswise (9 inch side) with space between as they will expand into the sauce.

      Dry lasagna noodles that you boil will stretch out to nearly the 13 inches, they get placed longways.

      Hope this helps!

    5. Donottry*

      I swear by Old Navy fleece lined leggings. If you get them a size larger, they should fit the bill.

  63. Becky*

    For some reason, my comments aren’t showing up. I’m using a different name for this one to see what happens.

      1. Becky*

        I also replied to a comment above about autistic people who identified with fictional characters, and it didn’t show up, either. Was it because I said that I’m not autistic but I have a neurological disability that is similar to autism?

  64. Spring Roll Help*

    It may be too late in the weekend for this but I’m looking for tips when using rice paper to make spring rolls. I love a good spring roll and I don’t have this problem when I eat SRs at restaurants but when I make them at home, I always feel like the ends are just a wad of rice paper that I’m chewing on and it is unpleasant. How can I better fold spring rolls to avoid a wad?

    1. HannahS*

      My suggestion would be this:
      -when you place your filling, make sure the ingredients are densely packed together
      -when you fold in the sides, do it tightly, almost under tension

    2. Lisa*

      Look at burrito and wrap rolling tips, especially video for how to roll. Same problem. Sometimes at restaurants I feel like the bottom 1/5 of the burrito is just dense, dry tortilla.

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