the best office holiday party date story of all time

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

A couple of years ago, someone shared what I consider to be the best holiday date story of all time, and it must be shared here again. Enjoy:

When I was fresh out of college, a dude in my social circle invited me to his fancy work Christmas party. He was a teacher, so I’d kind of assumed I was there as friend to act as a buffer between well-intentioned female colleagues who wanted to set him up with one another, with their daughters, etc. I was wrong! This invitation to a work Christmas party was meant to be the first date of a magical relationship between two people destined to be together. Why a magical relationship? When I opened the door, he said he’d hope we’d have a magical night leading to a magical relationship. Then HE DID A MAGIC TRICK. I was… startled.

The party was at a country club, where he drove around and around looking for a space while I said “they have valet. it’s only valet” over and over. Inside there was a coat check. He didn’t want to leave his coat–because there were additional magic tricks secreted inside. We went in, got our drink tickets and our seating assignment. I sat down at a table that was mostly single women several years older than we were. He offered to get me a drink, and I asked for a glass of any kind of wine. He came back several minutes later with a mudslide because girls love mudslides, because they’re chocolate and girls love chocolate. I don’t. But he tried! That’s sweet! Right? Over dinner, I tried to make that sort of general polite conversation people make around banquet tables with strangers. He kept jostling my arm to get my attention to show me another magic trick.

At the beginning of the evening, I really thought we were casual friends, but I was single and kind of open to dating this guy if we got on well. Maybe that hokey line was a story we’d tell our grandchildren! But it was becoming increasingly clear that this guy was Not for Me. That didn’t mean I wanted to embarrass him in front of his principal, though. I finally said something like, “Would you mind terribly saving those for after dinner? I’m really interested in hearing more about Harriet’s begonias, aren’t you?”

He pushed his chair back and stalked across the ballroom to a piano. He plopped down and proceeded to pound out an assortment of sad pop hits. There was Muzak-y Christmas music, but he was gonna play the piano anyway. At this point, I was embarrassed to have come with this guy. My tablemates were embarrassed for me. One of them left and came back with the glass of wine I’d asked for initially. I drank it while the middle aged ladies at our table told me all about their various bad dates. More wine showed up. Then someone asked if I like martinis and brought a martini. Apparently none of them drank, and, as my date played “You’re So Vain” while staring mournfully at me, I drank my way through pretty much all their drink tickets. I am an effusively nice drunk person. I told each and every one of these women that they were beautiful angels shaping tomorrow’s great minds to recognize the power of sisterhood and human kindness. Or something to that general effect. My memory is a bit fuzzy, for obvious, gin-based reasons.

My date wanted to leave, so I went to coat check. I tipped the coat check person, and he reached in the tip jar to fish out my money. I thought he was going to pay the tip. Nope. He told me coat check is free. I said I know. I put my tip back in the jar and sidestepped him when he tried to help with my jacket. His department chair and her husband appeared and said that my apartment was on their way and they’d be happy to drive me. I told them they were “hashtag relationship goals” and made an actual hashtag with my fingers.

I was driven home by way of Taco Bell by these very nice strangers. A week later, the guy called to say his work friends loved me and would I like to go out again. I would not.

A few years later, a friend was telling me about a legendary party her school hosted before she got a job there. A girl nobody knew got plastered and told everyone she loved and appreciated them while her boyfriend played the piano at her and drowned out the Christmas music. I did not reveal my identity. Maybe there’re two of us? I hope there’re two of us.

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  1. NYCRedhead*

    And now Christmas can begin, for obvious gin-based reasons. It’s “The Night Before Christmas” of the AAM community!

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    2. Almost Academic*

      Absolutely! A treasured holiday tradition for myself – thankful for the AAM community for reliably providing a laugh at the holidays!

      Reply ↓
      1. Glen*

        My country very definitely does not have a tipping culture and I am still stuck here seriously wondering what he thought the jar of banknotes at the coat check was for.

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        2. Zona the Great*

          Maybe he thought the coatcheck person would tie her coat arms together into a straight jacket and thus forcing her to stay with him?!

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    7. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Reading this on Xmas day (and I’m working!) has made me laugh and I had to share it round the department!

      Reply ↓
  5. the cat’s ass*

    Dang, this has become one of my Christmas traditions! Hope the writer was gone on to a roaringly successful career as a writer. Happiest of holidays, y’all!

    Reply ↓
    1. Mostly Managing*

      This.
      A Christmas Carol (I don’t care if it’s Muppets or Alastair Sim, but those are the only two True Versions)
      Dave Cooks a Turkey, by Stuart MacLean (if you aren’t familiar with Tales from the Vinyl Cafe, you are missing out. Find it. Listen to it. Then listen to the rest of the Dave and Morley stories!)
      The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (read the book to the kids every December for years and years – this year we saw the movie and I was pleasantly surprised that it’s quite true to the book and didn’t ruin it at all)

      Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and Happy Holidays to everyone :)

      Reply ↓
      1. linger*

        To these I would add David Sedaris’ “Santaland Diaries” (as heard on This American Life; Sedaris also contributed some warped Christmas stories to other episodes), and the wonderful Dickens/ panel show parody mashup that is I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Christmas Carol (2003, BBC Radio 4). (Depressing to realise that half the original cast members have died since: RIP Humphrey Lyttelton, Linda Smith, Barry Cryer, Tim-Brooke-Taylor, and Jeremy Hardy.)

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  8. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

    OP making a hashtag with her fingers why saying Hashtag: Life Goals will always be one of the funniest parts of this letter for me.

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      1. Timothy*

        OMG. This is the best and funniest thing I have read on the Internet in about ten years. 100% brilliant. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Bravo.

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        1. Rainy*

          They’re up in the clear on AO3 so if you can’t access them, even trying on a different browser or after clearing your cache, you may have some kind of smut filter on.

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      4. I’m so vain*

        OMG another one! I raced to the comments to find a link to the other one and wow. What a magical Christmas present for me.

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  11. Dark Macadamia*

    I briefly considered scrolling past this because I’ve read it so many times, but I’m glad I didn’t. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, there is always some detail I forgot. This time the mudslide is what made me LOL

    Reply ↓
  12. Phony Genius*

    I wish we knew what kind of magic tricks he did. (Coin? Card?) Not that it matters, since every time I reread it, I visualize it with a new trick.

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    1. Spooky Spiders*

      I feel like the one at the door has to be the Appearing Fake Flower Bouquet…and they only get worse from there.

      Reply ↓
    2. Rainy*

      I imagine the whole “it’s a pencil–no, it’s a bouquet of flowers!” thing. I also always wonder if there was a dove in the sleeve of his coat.

      Reply ↓
    3. Margaret Cavendish*

      My money is on the Appearing Fake Flower Bouquet as well!

      Thank you, OP, for sharing this magical story with us in the first place. And thank you to Alison for sharing it all over again!

      Reply ↓
  13. Sara without an H*

    His department chair and her husband appeared and said that my apartment was on their way and they’d be happy to drive me.

    Hmmm…I’ve always speculated about why The Young Magician’s boss and her husband decided that he shouldn’t drive her home. But it was a nice gesture on their part.

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    1. Observer*

      Because one the one hand it was obvious that she was plastered and in no condition to really fend him off and on the other hand it was pretty obvious that he was a . . . problem. And that at least part of his problem was his lack of boundaries and respect for his date who also clearly was not into him.

      Like everyone at the table saw her ask him for wine only to have him decide that what she *really* wants is a mudslide. And I suspect that if anyone was paying attention, they saw her trying to sidestep his “assistance” in helping her on with her coat. So, yeah, a very wise move.

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      1. Sara without an H*

        I wonder if he’d done something similar at previous parties? In any case, it was good of them to take her home.

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    2. MotherofaPickle*

      And stopping by Taco Bell for her!

      Those two are excellent human beings and deserve all the praise she heaped upon them (in the drunken moment).

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      2. Silver Robin*

        honestly that detail specifically always warms my heart. They had already gone out of their way but to stop and get her food too?? ugh <3 <3 <3

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      3. Audiophile*

        Taco Bell sounds really good right about now; I think I’ll get some delivered.

        They really are “hashtag relationship goals”.

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    3. cosmicgorilla*

      I believe that her place was not anywhere on their way home, and these 2 are amazingly kind souls who knew they needed to look out for her. May they receive all the good karma.

      Reply ↓
  14. teacher*

    I was a teacher for years and never once did we have a Christmas party at a country club. I assume this story is why.

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    1. BlueSwimmer*

      I love this story because I’m a teacher and we had an end-of-the-year/retirement celebration at the local country club one year with a cash bar. The bar staff were all former students and thought they were doing their favorite old teachers a solid by filling our wine glasses to the brim (and the country club had big fancy balloon type wine glasses). Many people got tipsy. A few of the musically talented teachers got up and sang with the band (but they were good!)

      No magic tricks occurred but someone higher up in the school system got wind of the fact that teachers were drinking at a work event and we went back to having our celebrations in the school cafeteria, complete with the lingering old french fry odor and those school cafeteria tables where the backless seats are attached to the table (so fancy!).

      And the other teachers and department chair for sure knew exactly how annoying and cheap Mr. Magic Tricks could be and were trying to save her from him, even if they liked him as a co-worker. I’m sure he was the guy who signed up to bring something like forks to department potlucks and then showed up late without them and everyone had to eat with their hands (I’ve worked with this teacher type many times.)

      Reply ↓
  15. Timothy*

    I am almost oblivious to social clues (and on the spectrum, but I repeat myself), but even I was cringing after the first paragraph. How utterly, utterly awkward of this guy.

    Men: never, never, ever do this. Women: I don’t know how you manage to navigate around this kind of empty-headedness from men. Yikes. I apologize on behalf of my gender.

    PS: Late night Taco Bell? Yes, Please!

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    1. Holidazed*

      And somehow I can’t access these! Not expecting anyone to bail me out of my inITptitude, but I’m bummed I can’t read them.

      Reply ↓
  19. Oolie*

    The trifecta of read-aloud Christmas classics:
    1) ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
    2) A Christmas Carol
    3) This story

    Reply ↓
  20. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I now look forward to this annual Christmas classic.
    Wonderful and told so well

    Reply ↓
  21. Scholarly Publisher*

    This story is becoming as much a part of my Christmas celebrations as the Philadelphia Brass Festival of Carols album and A Muppet Christmas Carol.

    Reply ↓
  23. My Brain is Exploding*

    I love this but my heart is with the woman who drank too much at her boss’s Christmas party and wound up brushing his elderly golden retriever’s fur most of the night.

    Reply ↓
    1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      And mine–a delightful story, and if I found myself in her position, I hope I’d do something like that, a little self-indulgent but entirely wholesome.

      Reply ↓
  33. SelenaLuna*

    For… reasons, I am really annoyed that mudslides are not, in fact, chocolate. They’re coffee. They’re coffee liqueur, vodka, Irish cream, and heavy cream.
    So, not only did she not get the wine she requested. She got coffee.

    Reply ↓
    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve got a recipe that says “chocolate syrup optional”….. No. No it’s not. It’s a key ingredient whose absence should be specified for people allergic to chocolate or not fond of it. Like a martini has gin, and a vodka martini does not.

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    2. Chocoholic*

      I have never seen a Mudslide that did not include chocolate in some form! That would be very strange anywhere I’ve been. Perhaps this is a location thing?

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    3. Productivity Pigeon*

      Oh that is waaay stronger than I prefer to imbibe in professional settings and I’m giving OP’s date a side eye for it.

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  34. Bad Date Appreciator*

    ‘”You’re So Vain” while staring mournfully at me’ made me spit out my oatmeal.
    This was the greatest Christmas gift EVER.
    Thank you, AAM! And girl, go into professional storytelling. This was amazing.

    Reply ↓
  35. Manders*

    This story always makes me laugh because my best friend – a teacher at an elementary school – dated a fellow teacher. He was also a magician, and while they dated she spent many, many weekends as his assistant.

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  36. CaliforniaRoller*

    This reminds me so much of a company Fourth of July picnic. One of the women in sales brought along her brother, Bruce, in an attempt to set him up with a colleague, April.

    Bruce knew ahead of time. The colleague? Not so much.

    Highlights of the afternoon included Bruce pretending to know a lot about her college major and pronouncing a ton of terms wrong, asking about her (dead) dog, and almost starting a fight with one of the other employees when he decided to show off his (incorrect) knowledge of whiskey.

    When he produced a guitar and attempted to play a song April had once been caught singing along to in her office she went home early.

    Bruce spent another hour pounding drink after drink and being a nuisance before disappearing.

    We ended up having to organize a search for him when his sister wanted to leave; The CEO found him passed out in a bush, covered in his own puke.

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  37. Tired Fed*

    I would have a hard time showing my face again at the office if I were that sister!

    Bet she never brought him to an office event again!

    Reply ↓
    1. Not A Manager*

      Sister is a bit sus anyway for the unilateral setup. I imagine she and her brother both have some issues with reading the room.

      Reply ↓

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