coworker asked to borrow money, changing into pajamas as soon as you get home, and more

by Alison Green on October 30, 2024

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should managers have to train professionals on basic computer skills?

We have an ongoing debate in my office – is a manager responsible for training an employee on non-essential but generally required skills? For example, my partner and I provide our new attorneys training in how our office operates, the applicable legal fields we cover, legal updates, and generally how to be an attorney. We always provide very detailed training on how to be an attorney in our office and our nuanced procedures.

Where we have a difference of opinion on training is on essential technologies that an attorney needs to use but are not attorney-related. For example, Microsoft Office, Zoom, Teams, using a digital calendar, etc. Not any technology related to our field, but just ones the general office-working population uses these days. This also includes basic tasks related to them like setting up your computer to turn on a camera, hiding a line in Excel, or troubleshooting a printer paper jam.

I refuse to teach new attorneys these technologies as they are basic to any working environment, and they have a vast amount of schooling where they should have likely learned most of it. However, my partner is adamant that we should be providing them training and walking them through these basic things. If they have tried troubleshooting and still have questions, I will answer. I do not apply this same expectation to our support staff who have not had as much schooling or office experience. Is it reasonable to expect high level employees to figure these things out on their own? (I will also note that my frustration also comes from the fact that it is only ever men younger than me who must be walked through these tasks.)

A lot of people don’t learn that stuff in college, depending on what they’re studying. But it’s reasonable to ask them to try googling the answer first — most of what you described is very google-able by anyone with a bit of resourcefulness  — and to tell them to only come to you if they’re still having trouble after that. And if someone has a lot of questions in a particular area, get them set up with formal training (purchased by your office, but not run by you personally) in whatever the program is.

I’m not blind to the gender component of this, though, and that does make it grate more. I’m curious whether your partner is male and, if so, whether you find these younger men go to him with questions at the same rate as they come to you. If not, and instead they’re specifically coming to the woman for admin help, that’s an issue.

2. My coworker asked to borrow money

A coworker, who I interact with occasionally for work-related issues, unexpectedly asked to borrow money. The amount was not substantial (about 25% of the minimum monthly wage here), but I felt uncomfortable with the request since we are not close and have only professional interactions. We work in IT and our salaries are way above the minimum.

He reached out to me via a video call and asked for the loan, promising to repay me by the next paycheck in two weeks. I declined, explaining that I don’t lend money to anyone, whether friends or family. He was understanding and we made some small talk before ending the call.

Should I raise this with my manager or HR? Or should I just brush it aside for now and do it just in case he asks for money again?

Someone you only occasionally interact with set up a video call specifically to ask to borrow money? And they wanted 25% of the monthly minimum wage (which in the U.S. which would be at least a few hundred dollars)? That’s awfully bold.

I’d normally say that no, you don’t need to raise it with anyone — you declined, and he seems fine with that — but it’s such an odd request to make of someone who he doesn’t know well that I’m concerned you’re not the first or the only one he’s asking, and your manager might want to be aware. You don’t have to raise it, but if you do you could frame it as, “Since I don’t know him well, I wondered if I’m not the only one he’s asking and didn’t know if you’d want to be aware of that if so.”

3. Is it weird to change into pajamas as soon as I get home?

I teach middle school social studies and I have to be at work most days by 7 am. I love my students and my work, but by the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I usually get home by 4 pm and the first thing I do is put on my pajamas.

My husband works in senior management for a Fortune 500 company. He usually gets home well after I do, and he gets annoyed sometimes to get home and find me wearing pajamas. He sees it as a sign that I’m refusing to do anything else that day. He changes out of his suit into more casual clothes, but he doesn’t dress down to the point that he wouldn’t want to answer the door or run to the store. I’m curious if it’s truly unusual to put on pajamas as soon as you get home from work. What do your readers think?

This isn’t really a work question, but it’s an interesting one! I do think it’s somewhat unusual — which doesn’t mean it’s not understandable. I did have a roommate who did exactly this when we were all about 20, and it definitely read as … well, an unusual amount of homebody-ness, especially at that age. I can imagine your husband feeling like it’s condemning him a bit to that same level of homebody-ness … and like you’re sort of giving up on anything more interesting happening that day. Is there a compromise where you change into comfy lounge clothes but not actual pajamas until it’s closer to bedtime?

Alternately, if you want to have some fun with this, tomorrow you could be in club wear when he comes home and see how he reacts to that.

4. Should I tell my employer why I won’t come to the Christmas party?

I work as a professor’s student assistant in the department I also study in. (It’s minimum wage for about 5 hours a week). A few other students who work in similar positions and I were once again invited to join the department’s Christmas celebration as we are technically employees of the department.

Unlike the years before where it was just a small get-together where we had to bring our own food (which none of the professors attended), this time it’s supposed to be in a restaurant, but the invitation states outright that we have to pay for our meal ourselves.
While I can probably pay for a single meal out, it’s not without some pain, and I definitely would not have chosen a restaurant in this price class for myself. I know the same goes for the other students.

I could just politely decline, but would there be any merit in mentioning why I won’t attend? I don’t want to stir up trouble but I’m also disappointed that our professors, who are all very well tenured, are seemingly oblivious to the gap between our financial resources. The professor I work for has been gracious in the past, paying my part of the check when I joined meals during work-related outings, but I don’t want to rely on his personal kindness.

Yes, mention it! It doesn’t have to be in a “lodge a complaint” type way — it can just be, “Unfortunately it’s out of my budget.” Encourage any peers who feel the same as you to be candid about it too. It’s useful feedback.

If you do want to make more of a point about it, that would be okay too. In that case you could say, “I know the plans are already set for this year, but in case it’s helpful for know for next year, that price range is rough for us student workers to swing.”

5. Is it OK to return to my old team?

I left a role at Great Company for a new job for more money. It turned out to be a huge mistake; I HATED the new job. I asked my old boss if I could return after half a year. (We had a great working relationship.) Although there were no openings on Great Boss’s team as they had filled my role already, they recommended me for a different role back at Great Company, under a different manager. I’ve been back almost a year now, and Great Boss just let me know there is an opening on their team and asked if I’d like to return. I would love to work under Great Boss again. Current Boss is great, but I liked my previous team more and I miss Great Boss. I’m worried how this will be perceived, as I left Great Team at Great Company, then came back to Great Company, and now am potentially leaving Current Team. Is this unprofessional? I never should have left to begin with!

This isn’t unprofessional at all! You’ve been back a year, another position is opening up that you’re interested in, and you’re throwing your hat in the ring. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I suspect you’re worried about seeming flaky, like you’re jumping around too much and should have stayed where you were originally, but this kind of thing happens. People leave and try out new things and sometimes find their way back to where they started (and it doesn’t sound like this would even be the same role as your original one, although that would be okay too). You can be happy in your current job and with your current boss and still see that a move would fit you even better. (If you keep doing it annually, that could start to look weird after a certain point, but you’re not at that point.)

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{ 157 comments }

{ 157 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. GeeseInFlight*

    OP3, I’m also a teacher (elementary) and after long/tough days I do often change into pajamas when I get home. It feels like a statement that I’ve earned a break. It’s also a nice way to set the work day aside and stop thinking about it, which can be a real problem for teachers. I am definitely a homebody, though, so maybe that’s why!

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    1. Edwina*

      I change into “play clothes” the minute I get home. When I get inside the house after work, the clothes that felt fine all day at work and in the car on the way home, suddenly feel uncomfortable, and I need to change right away, and I especially need to get the bra off!

      The OP’s spouse saying that “He sees it as a sign that I’m refusing to do anything else that day” seems kind of extreme or harsh. Maybe OP can ask him if he can say more about what bothers him when OP is in pajamas after work. It sounds like OP ishoping to relax after teaching all day. I don’t see anything wrong with that, but it sounds like the spouse does.

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      1. :)*

        100% feel you on the “play” clothes! In my culture as well as many other Asian cultures (and, I assume, many other cultures in general? Don’t have a ton of data on this) it is normal to have both inside clothes and outside clothes. Wearing my outside clothes for lounging around the house can feel a little gross or uncomfortable to me personally. Plus, my outside clothes are usually a little nicer and fancier than my inside clothes, so I don’t want to worry about getting food on my clothes while cooking with a nice shirt on or whatever.

        Often if I’m not feeling like changing twice or my day was very long I’ll skip to the pyjamas, so I really sympathize with OP here haha :P

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      2. allathian*

        Normally I sleep naked, and I’ll only wear my nightdress after my evening shower, if I take it early enough that I don’t go to bed with fully wet hair. Pajamas are out for me because if I wore pajama pants, I’d also have to wear panties, otherwise I’d have to change my pajama pants every day (mental issue with not having anything pant-like next to my skin for longer than a day at most, and if I take it off for any reason, it goes in the wash).

        I also can’t do anything except recline on the couch unless I’m wearing a bra, so there’s that. If I get up, I’ll put one arm under my pendulous boobs for support. They don’t quite reach my navel when I’m sitting up straight, but nearly (F cup), I have a short spine for my height. If I bend over suddenly in the shower, say if I drop a bottle of shampoo or something, I can also bop myself on the chin with a boob.

        I WFH most of the time, and I wear the same tops I would if I went to the office, but I’m usually wearing sweatpants for comfort. My office doesn’t really have a dress code. Clothes should be clean and whole, although I’ve never heard of anyone being sent home to change in the middle of the day if they spill something on their clothes. Shorts or skirts that go just above the knee are fine in the summer. The winters are cold enough that very few people wear skirts then (women who don’t wear pants for religious or cultural reasons generally wear garments that end at the ankle).

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        1. Tacky Halloween Decor*

          Stairs with big boobs and no bra are probably some kind of torture in hell.

          I definitely also need to use an arm to keep my breasts in check if I’m not wearing a bra. Mine put video game “jiggle physics” to shame.

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      3. duinath*

        I actually think changing into pyjamas immediately is worse if you’re the kind of person who, once the pyjamas are on, you’re in for the night. That’s the only way I can make husband’s attitude make sense, and I understand it. If your partner is just deciding every day to not do anything social (or even run errands) once they’re home from work, that can feel pretty limiting.

        That said, I myself also tend to change as soon as I’m in, purely for comfort. But I’m really never “in for the night” when I do; I get comfy but not so comfy I can’t put on a bra and some pants and be out the door.

        If LW feels as I do, they could clarify that for the husband, maybe he’s reading an intent there that doesn’t exist; if you want to go somewhere, just tell me. These pyjamas aren’t glued on.

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    2. Nodramalama*

      I change immediately into trackies, but don’t go straight to pjs. There’s a lot left of the day before I go to bed! It I eat dinner in my pjs there is an even chance I will spill something and then have to change AGAIN

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      1. Em*

        Pretty similar to me- I just have at home clothes that are cozy and not contaminated with metro/tram/bus seat gunk, and I change immediately when I get home for comfort and cleanliness, or they’re what I put on first thing if I’m not going out. Somehow wearing outdoor clothes at home feels bad to me- how can you relax if you’re wearing a belt at home??? Everyone in my family changes immediately when getting home, so I guess it’s our cultural norm.

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    3. Happily Retired*

      I don’t change into pj’s/nightgown, but I do immediately change into SlobWear™ (that’s supposed to be a trademark symbol, if the site software gets confused) the moment I’m home. The nightgown goes on when I finally realize that I need to be in bed. Like now.

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    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      I change out of work clothes when I get home, but it’s only into pyjamas if I’ve had a really long work day coordinating an event. People somehow conflate pyjamas/loungewear with laziness because of the association with bed, but it sounds to me that people who change into them after work use it as a way of switching off theit “work brain”.

      And it always fascinates me to watch old films and see people come to the door in a suit and tie or a fancy dress with full hair and make-up. I always wonder if people actually did that back in the 1940s or 50s!

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    5. Artemesia*

      I think it is a reasonable rule of life that if something bugs your husband you don’t do it (and vice versa) even if it is ‘reasonable.’ It is a small thing to change into jeans or sweats or whatever rather than pajamas in the evening.

      My husband thinks the bed should be made — I don’t care. So we make the bed because it matters to him. Why would I not do this small thing that matters to him? Our rule is the last person up makes the bed and that is usually him so it works out anyway.

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      1. MK*

        That works if the thing your spouse wants is something you don’t care about and/or requires minimal effort, not if it’s something that bugs you in return or requires significant effort/inconvenience. Then, sorry, but they need to justify why I should do it.

        In this case the husband wants OP to change something that makes her comfortable for hours every single day, and if she changes that she will be less comfortable on a daily basis. That’s not in the “things that don’t matter that I do it for loved one”. If OP is in fact done with the day once she changes, and that means her husband gets stuck with anything that needs doing outside the house, he has a valid complaint; and her wanting to be comfortable isn’t much of an argument in an era where the shops are brimming with atheisure/loungeqear that’s more pajama-like than sleepwear, over-sized tops and yoga pants. If he wants to do fun stuff in the evenings and she doesn’t, that’s a relationship incompatibility they need to discuss. Of he has some hangup about people lounging in pjs in daytime or an unkempt wife, frankly that’s a him issue. She can still choose to humor him, but it’s not really a reasonable request.

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      2. JM60*

        If pajamas are much more comfortable to the OP than jeans or other alternative, then sacrificing comfort for hours each day may not be “a small thing”.

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    6. Little Owl*

      My husband does this and he is also a teacher! (mostly of the 8-11 age group). I don’t exactly get it, but then, I work from home so I am already usually in leggings and a non-underwired bra for the day!

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    7. Sharpie*

      I’m lucky enough that I can wear comfortable clothes to work and don’t feel the need to change once I get home, unless I’ve worn one specific pair of trousers to work. Having said that, changing into comfortable clothes once I’m in was ingrained in me since I was a kid – we wear uniform to school and as we didn’t have much money for new uniform if anything got torn, Mum used to make us change out of uniform into regular clothes once we got home, which also underscored ‘these clothes are for this thing ‘.

      If I were in OP’s shoes, I would buy myself some comfortable lounge wear that isn’t PJs for the time of day between getting in the house and getting ready for bed. Best of both worlds, keeps everything cleaner for longer and you’ll still be in a fit state to pop to shops if you need to.

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    8. Storm in a teacup*

      I’m also #teampyjamas when I get home from work if I know I’m not heading back out.
      I can cook in them and lounge on the sofa before bed. If I have a gym class or have errands then as soon as I’m home.
      Mainly I feel weird not wearing a bra under normal clothes (even loungewear) and that bra needs to come off as soon as I’m home for the night.

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    9. Ellis Bell*

      Another teacher here who changes into pajamas, straight away. The only way I have of describing it is, it’s like exiting stage left after being on stage for hours, taking off a costume, and putting on a dressing room robe. You don’t breathe fully until it happens. There definitely is an issue with going out to do errands and other things, which is why I buy outside clothes that I would never wear in the classroom but which have the exact same softness and texture as pajamas and slippers, like hoodies, leggings, Uggs. If I was going out somewhere dressier than that, I would shower again anyway (but, on a school night? The phrase “no tired like teacher tired” applies). I also mix and match, so I often wear a hoodie with pajama bottoms; this means I only have to change one thing on the bottom to go outdoors. My partner isn’t fooled though; he knows which of my hoodies and sweatshirts and jogging pants are my “pajamas”. I just read this letter to him and he said “Your pajamas go on first thing in the morning straight after your shower sometimes”. It’s the half term holidays.

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  2. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

    #TeamPajamas

    No compromise. No surrender.

    If my spouse wants to answer the door or run to the store, he CAN.

    But not me. Bra’s off and I’m in for the night.

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    1. Language Lover*

      I’m not quite at sleepwear but what I wear after I get home from work resembles Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company.

      If someone comes up with something amazing, I can easily change back into “going out” clothes but I see no sense of being any other than super comfy if I’m staying in.

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      1. BioBrains*

        This! “I see no sense of being any other than super comfy if I’m staying in”.

        Life is too short to not be comfortable when you are at home/alone. For me that also means that on some weekend days I never even make it into decent clothes, although by slob wear/home clothes are somewhere in between lounge wear and pajamas so I can also walk outside in them. That’s never an issue (apart from that one time when I ran into my boss at the grocery store). For the record, I am single and an introvert homebody, which helps.

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      2. I Would Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

        Yeah — I wonder if there is an easy solution here which is OP investing in some comfy ‘around the house’ pieces that are not explicitly for sleeping.

        I often switch to loungewear but it’s not the same as PJs, so I can still pop out if needed.

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    2. Noodles*

      Same. I put PJs on. But it’s not like then I immediately veg out. I cook in pjs, do chores in pjs, and if I need to go out I… throw on outside clothes! (Or if I’m feeling lazy I just wear pj oants and a tshirt to the store.) No way is my husband dictating what I wear. If he wants to wear less comfortable clothes, he can. Not me.

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      1. Tacky Halloween Decor*

        And then there’s me, who doesn’t actually find PJ’s all that comfortable and is weirded out by this cultural narrative we have that anything not resembling a few rectangles hastily sewn together is “uncomfortable” ^^’

        …but that is my prerogative, and wearing your PJ’s the minute you get home is yours. As long as you get done what you need to get done and are comfortable doing so I don’t see what the issue is.

        And LW: it does sound like you and your husband may need to have a talk about this. Not in a “omg divorce this man if he doesn’t agree” way, but just in a “hey this is a thing and we need to communicate” way. Sit down and really listen to one another on this.

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        1. AJ*

          It’s probably entirely psychological, but I CANNOT wear the clothing I sleep in during the waking hours of the day unless I am sick. If I do, I overheat (even if my sleepwear is a cotton dress, and the clothing I change into is ALSO a cotton dress.) And I cannot go to bed in clothing I wore during the day, or I will feel disgusting.

          The first time I found out people wore pajamas to lounge at home I was baffled.

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          1. Myrin*

            Yeah, same (minust the overheating). I’m surprised to see the majority of commenters (as I’m writing this comment, at least) say that they do change into pyjamas straight away.
            I wonder if part of this is also cultural – I’ve actually talked about this with people before and the general consensus always seemed to be “change into more comfortable clothes but NOT pyjamas, which are for bed” with a – to me – surprising minority of people who don’t actually change out of their work clothes at all.
            (Of course there are people like OP here, too – my sister is one of them – but at least in the circles I’ve talked about this before, it seems to be rare.)

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            1. Harper the Other One*

              Weirdly, for me PJs in the evening does not trigger the “I’m sick” connotation! But it does trigger “ah, the day is done and I can truly relax” after about 6pm and a way that jeans or sweats don’t.

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          2. KateM*

            Yes, same to me – I don’t want to wear to bed what I have been sitting on floor or whatever.
            I have really four pairs of pants in everyday use, ha. Pajama pants for sleeping, work pants for going to work or town or other official place, home pants, and then “just going to nearby grocery store” pants. The last two share the same top, though.

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        2. Emmy Noether*

          I’m also team keep my day clothes at home. My #1 reason is actually that I find changing clothes really annoying, so the thought of “just” changing back if I have to go out again is a definite NO. I’d rather go buy milk in lounge clothes if that’s the options.

          Also, my dayclothes are not really less comfortable than my pajamas, and I don’t find the same clothes comfortable for lying down and for sitting/moving around anyway. For example, I can’t stand anything skintight for sleeping, but I like it for movement.

          And for pajamas more specifically, I’d worry about getting them dirty if I wore them while doing things around the house.

          These are all my personal preferences, though. Other members of my household can do whatever they like (as long as I’m not the one who has to change their clothes).

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          1. Arrietty*

            I also hate changing and wear fairly comfortable clothes during the day – I do take off my work-branded tshirt on days when I’ve been wearing that and need to wear it again before I’ll have time to wash it, and in that case I either swap for a regular tshirt or straight into a pyjama top. Then again, I don’t have any kind of evening social life and shopping is done on the way home. Once toddler is home for the day, we aren’t going out again.

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        3. Thegreatprevaricator*

          Ha yes! I don’t like to wear pyjamas as lounge wear, it feels wrong. But I recognise some people like to change clothes to signal that transition and change of mode. Frankly I think we should bring back the housecoat..

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            1. noname today*

              I use Lands End beach coverup dresses for just this sort of thing. We live in an apartment building and need to go down to the lobby for our food deliveries, out into the hall/down to the basement to throw out the garbage/recycling, etc. I could wear my pjs to do this, but the beach coverup and flip flops—my version of a house coat—is my go-to choice. They come in long sleeves, short sleeves and sleeveless, and I wear them all, depending on the season/temp.

              Hubby did the same before he retired, but used work out shorts and tanks instead of the beach coverup.

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    3. Nodramalama*

      Lol I think this might be the spouse’s point which I suspect is probably a bigger issue of mismatched expectations. I suspect there is a larger issue where spouse wants the ability to go out to dinner/go to the movies/go to the park etc after work and feels like the pjs is a signal they are not willing to do so. Whether that IS the signal is a question only LW can answer

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      1. Lord Millet, the most noble among the five grains*

        Yes, I’m wondering whether there are some other signals that are broadcasting “don’t want to engage with this day anymore.”

        Like, are you vegging out the rest of the night?

        Or are you engaging with your husband in ways you both enjoy? Are you helping to make dinner and keep the place tidy? Are you willing to go to the store in your pajamas if the household needs something? Are you open to evening activities outside the house?

        My partner inexplicably has more energy than me after the work day. He often starts in on cooking projects that take several hours. But even on days I need two hours to veg, I make it clear I’m still up for interacting, doing chores, going out if needed, etc. I have to be proactive about communicating that willingness, because if he sees me on the couch looking at my phone, he may interpret that as unwillingness to engage.

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      2. RLC*

        I’m thinking same, my husband nearly always arrived home from work long before I did, and was often in sweatshirt and joggers by the time I got home. I usually assumed it was an “in for the night” signal until I finally asked him. Nope, he just wanted to be comfortable and would happily change back to work clothes for going out.

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      3. JM60*

        If that were the case, they could just ask their spouse about going out rather than assuming that they don’t want to go out just because of the clothes they’re wearing at home.

        I always wear shorts when at home, unless I’m at home for just a few minutes. If I get home in the winter, while planning on going out somewhere in a couple hours, I change into shorts/tee shirt. Just because I’m in my home/comfort clothes doesn’t mean I’m magical locked into those clothes. I can just change back.

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    4. But what to call me?*

      100%. I come home for the day, jammies go on. Many of my relatives do the same thing. It’s not like I want to wear my work clothes around the house anyway once they’ve been out in the world, and it’s not like I can’t change back into daytime clothes if I need to do something that requires them. I guess I could have a whole separate outfit for wandering around the house in the evening, but why bother with the extra laundry? I have nice jammies, they work just fine for anything I might do around the house, and I can’t think when the last time was that I unexpectedly had to answer the door. It’s weird to me that this is weird to some people.

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    5. Roland*

      That’s fine and all but I think it’s very understandable why it would be frustrating for your spouse to declare this every workday at 4pm.

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    6. JM60*

      I’d argue that there’s nothing wrong with answering the door in your pajamas. It might be a little unusual, but delivery drivers are unlikely to care.

      I don’t see what the problem is with changing into pajamas right away when getting home.

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    7. I Would Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      If my husband slapped on PJs and refused to run errands or otherwise leave the house after he got home every single work day, I would be pretty steaming – especially if he got home at 4pm.

      In my house that would be offloading a lot of dog/child/house maintenance soley to me.

      I think this question hinges a lot on what OP and her spouse DO in the evening and what they both want to do.

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  4. AcademiaNut*

    For #4, it’s worth mentioning, as maybe next year they’ll pick a more affordable option. My experience with academia and government research institutes is that there is often no budget for things like holiday lunches (and no way to authorize one), so it’s potluck, pay your own way, or nothing, rather than having the department pick up the tab or a senior manager expense it.

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    1. Antim*

      After working 10+ years in academia I thing there is a decent chance that the restaurant was choosen so that student workers will not at tent.

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      2. Emmy Noether*

        In defense of academia, that has not been my experience at all. It would have been more likely to be obliviousness – any of my professors would have offered to pay out of their own pocket for student workers if they knew the situation. (My husband used to joke that my lab was the land of the care bears because everyone was so nice).

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    2. Fierce Jindo*

      To be honest, I think the real solution in this particular situation is to stop inviting students that are some particular professor’s RA, since they aren’t really employees of the department collectively (except, apparently, on paper). It’s obnoxious to invite them to something they obviously can’t afford, but because they are a particular professor’s RA, faculty might legitimately balk at the expense were the department to pick it up, if the department is in a tight budgetary situation.

      If, on the other hand, the department itself employs students (like mine does with front desk workers), they should be invited and their tabs covered (which might be through a fund that faculty voluntarily contribute to for stuff like this).

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    3. Artemesia*

      It is outrageous for an academic party to require people to buy their own meals and include students. Of course say ‘ChezDollar’, small laugh, I can’t begin to afford that.’ Whoever is planning this needs to get a clue.

      Reply ↓
  6. EA*

    I have been asked by coworkers for loans of money and never considered reporting it to my employer. I think OP handled the situation well. Personally I would only report it if he asked again or pushed the point. Sometimes it’s better to just let thing slide once.

    Reply ↓
    1. Suze*

      Yes, reporting this immediately seems too much to me too. He asked, you said no. If he asks again you can ask him to stop and if he does again, report it. I would not want to work with coworkers who would’t forgive you one minor faux pas.

      Reply ↓
    2. Artemesia*

      I am of two minds. This is inappropriate enough that we can assume this person is trying to hose anyone s/he can. There will be employees especially if it is a guy and they are women who will feel they can’t say no. The manager needs to know. The fact that it was so formally done — not just a casually can you lend me a few bucks till payday conversation in the hall, makes it likely that s/he is doing this to many people.

      Reply ↓
      1. yvve*

        yea, that was my first thought. Asking a work acquaintance you barely know is not generally people’s first, or second, or third resort when they need money. It seems pretty likely he’s running out of options for people who will lend him anything

        Reply ↓
      2. MK*

        I don’t get the gender angle; frankly, I think I would have a much harder time saying no to a woman as a woman, a request from a man would feel more inappropriate and I would push back harder.

        And I think the “right” decision about whether to report this depends on information OP doesn’t have and cannot know. This could be someone in desperate need and it’s making them override their better judgment, or it could be a thoughtless/inconsiderate/scummy person.

        Reply ↓
        1. Empress Ki*

          I am female, and my reaction would be the same whether the request comes from a female or a male.
          I am curious to know why it feels different to you,

          Reply ↓
  7. Pink Sprite*

    Re: #3— When I was a middle school teacher, I came home and about 95% of the time I immediately changed into my pajamas.
    We started school at 7:20 (horrible for middle school kids {and me}) and finished at 2:15. I usually was out of there as soon as possible because I was exhausted (chronic insomnia yo).
    Got home, let my dog out, we both had a little snack, and then collapsed on the couch for a nap.
    I suspect more teachers than anyone thinks do change into their pajamas very soon as they get home. It’s a physically, emotionally, and mentally demanding and exhausting job.

    Reply ↓
    1. jtr*

      Right?! LW is surrounded by 20 – 30 pre-teen kids All. Day. Long. from 7 am until 4 pm. Maybe they DON’T feel like doing anything else that night that would require non-pj-wearing.

      Reply ↓
    2. Artemesia*

      It bothers her husband. Why would she want to do something that bothers her husband when the alternative is so very easy?

      Reply ↓
      1. Emily*

        Sometimes people are bothered by things that are unreasonable. I think LW should talk to her husband to get more information on why he feels this way, but I don’t like automatically jumping to “It bothers her husband so she shouldn’t do it.”

        Reply ↓
      2. Emmy Noether*

        Mh. I don’t personally do the pajama thing, but I disagree that it would be easy for her. Relax-rituals can be very important to a person. Why is it more important for her to be visually pleasing to him than for her to feel good?

        Reply ↓
      3. Storm in a teacup*

        I get we all need to compromise for our spouses but let’s flip this. Why is her spouse bothered by something and control something so minor?
        Why would he want her to change when the alternative is so easy?

        Reply ↓
      4. Cinn*

        It bothers her, why would her husband want her to do something that bothers her?

        Sorry, but theres something about this argument that gives me the ick, and I’m of the opinion they could find a relatively easy compromise if they talked about it honestly.

        Reply ↓
        1. Agent Diane*

          It’s because it suggests that a wife should make herself uncomfortable when she is home alone simply so her husband doesn’t get put out. It suggests her preferences are less important than his. I’ve seen a couple of other comments along these lines and it genuinely startles me because it is so 1950s.

          Hail the patriarchy!

          Reply ↓
          1. Emmy Noether*

            In this case it’s even more specifically that she should be uncomfortable solely to be more visually pleasing to a man. Which yes, is very 1950’s.

            Reply ↓
      5. SweetCheezits*

        Why is her husband bothered by her doing something that makes her happy? Why does she have to prioritise a man’s comfort over her own? Why is he getting to set the rules? This isn’t the fifties!

        Reply ↓
      6. Generation WHAAAAAAAT*

        Are you, like, cosplaying a tradwife here, or are you just really old? Inquiring minds are baffled and want to know.

        Reply ↓
  8. Lurker*

    But if you change into your pajamas — are you eating dinner in them? Cleaning? Do you then change into different pajamas before you get in to bed? I think it’s weird to sleep in clothes that you do stuff in in your bed – which is kind of what you’re doing when you change into PJs so early. Or maybe you don’t wear pajamas to bed? In which case, you’re just changing into lounge wear?

    Reply ↓
    3. But what to call me?*

      Why wouldn’t I stay in the same pajamas to make dinner? It’s not like I’m spilling food on myself in a regular basis. I don’t work out in them or do any major cleaning, but basic daily stuff around the house is no messier than climbing in bed with them. It’s much cleaner than what I would bring into the house by wearing work clothes inside.

      Reply ↓
      1. Nodramalama*

        I mean a lot of people DO spill when they’re preparing or eating food. That’s why aprons and napkins exist. And its not like the only options are ‘wear clothes you’ve been working in thst are dirty’ or ‘wear the clothes you’ll sleep in’

        Reply ↓
      2. MK*

        Eh, depends on what making dinner means; same goes for cleaning. Of you are dusting in your pj, a lot of the dust ends up on them.

        Reply ↓
      3. Emmy Noether*

        I think it would be the smell for me. I want my sleepwear to smell of bed and fresh linens, not of garlic or cheese or curry or fish or whatever else delicious but not conducive to sleep.

        I guess it depends a lot on what making dinner entails.

        Reply ↓
    4. Ellis Bell*

      That’s assuming everyone who wears pajamas, sleeps in pajamas! I think they are the most uncomfortable things in the world to sleep in. I adore them as lounge wear, but once I’m actually in bed I need support up top and something short which doesn’t wrap around my legs.

      Reply ↓
    5. Havelock*

      Or maybe, just maybe, something that YOU find weird doesn’t actually bother OP? Because they’re not you.

      I think it’s super weird to be so bothered about what someone else chooses to wear.

      Reply ↓
  9. seriousmoonlight*

    Yeah, unless I have set plans for the evening, I am straight into pajamas when I get home. I’m not going to wear my nice work clothes while cooking dinner and watching TV and it seems silly to change into casual clothes for a few hours if I’m just going to be around the house anyway.

    Reply ↓
  10. the Viking Diva*

    OP2, please bring it up with the script Allison suggests. Someone was doing this in a community group I’m part, and many kind people responded with a loan. They kept it private, as the person’s cover story that invoked privacy, so it took a while for the group leader to discover what turned out to be a fairly large-scale scam that the person had run in other groups too. It caused a lot of disruption and most did not get their money back. The person was caught and has spent several years in jail as a result, but there was a lot of angst in the group as the case wended its way through the justice system.

    Reply ↓
    1. WS*

      Yeah, a sale rep, who invited by my workplaces and similar workplaces, and had a longstanding relationship with all of them in my area of the state, did a similar thing. He borrowed a few hundred to a thousand dollars from at least 30 separate people (almost all men) and it didn’t raise an alarm because each person was in a separate department, everyone knew this guy would visit every month, obviously not a big deal. Unfortunately, he had a rapidly escalating gambling problem and was very quickly caught when he tried to steal from his large, multinational company. The company reimbursed everyone involved, which was not legally required, but certainly rehabilitated their reputation quickly.

      Reply ↓
  11. Zanshin*

    LW1: when I as an RN would start a new job, other professional staff would orient me to the specific nursing functions. But my orientations always included time with IT re the computer systems and time with the unit secretary/ward clerk on paperwork flow and other non clinical stuff. It was a good model.

    Reply ↓
    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      It sounds to me like a new attorney gets that as part of their orientation. My sense if that LW1 is asking about teaching basic knowledge of computer use such as using Excel, turning on the camera, etc.

      I was working in a different field, not a desk job, when Excel was created and therefore missed learning it entirely when it was now an integral function of most office jobs. I found a one-day class that focused on using Excel for work. The instructor was excellent and I never needed another training.

      LW1, it’s not your responsibility to teach someone to use Excel. Send the new attorney to a basic office skills class.

      Reply ↓
      1. Artemesia*

        This. And particularly don’t let him use women professionals in the office as his admins. Make clear what is expected when the person is hired. Don’t hire a new attorney who doesn’t have these skills or is not willing to take a class to learn them.

        Reply ↓
      2. Violet Fox*

        Speaking as IT, having somewhere to send people for basic skills classes sounds like an amazing idea. You cannot assume that people get any sort of IT training at a university outside of university specific things, and this will vary a lot from place to place.

        The whole thing of “people grew up with tech so they should understand it” has honestly made generations of pretty much tech illiterate people who know how to use an app, but don’t know basics like what a file system is and how to use it.

        Teach people yes, but sending them out for basic skills classes is how to do it, not have admin etc train them. Also refresher coursers for older employees to deal with changes in tech and work flows.

        Reply ↓
  12. Yasmin Kara-Hanani*

    For the most part, I’d say LW #3 isn’t responsible for everything their partner might read into wearing pajamas. The one caveat to that that I see is that people do, in fact, to have to do things like run to the store and answer the door after work. If those types of tasks are all falling to the partner because LW is in pajamas, then that’s the more serious issue. But if LW is willing to change back into appropriate clothes to do their share of the errands (or go out to the occasional spur of the moment dinner or movie) this seems fine to me.

    Reply ↓
    1. Yasmin Kara-Hanani*

      *willing to change or shamelessly run to the store/take out the trash/walk the dog in pajamas, like I’ve been known to do, that is

      Reply ↓
      1. Edwina*

        me, too! I’m kind of surprised at how much I don’t worry anymore about being properly dressed to walk the dog. I’m sure my neighbors think I’m a bit odd for wearing my Crocs outside on all but the snowiest days, but they’re comfortable, even though they look like clown shoes.

        Reply ↓
      2. MK*

        There is no way I am getting into the same bed as someone who is still wearing the clothes they went to the store and walked the dog in.

        Reply ↓
    2. Jessica*

      Yeah, I can see how pajamas could seem like an “in for the night” signal, but assuming that the husband lives with LW and perhaps sometimes has conversations with them, he ought to have some idea whether it actually DOES mean that. LW, what’s the deal? Do you
      — only put on pajamas IF you don’t intend to go back out?
      –put on default pajamas but happily change back into daywear if evening plan arise?
      –strategically use pajamas to keep from having to go out in the evening?

      Reply ↓
      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, I think this is where it’s at.

        I’m actually like the husband in this (minus the being annoyed part) in that when I get home, I change into tracksuit bottoms and a casual shirt exactly because 1. I don’t like going out – even if that’s only to the bakery around the corner or even just the basement – in pyjamas and 2. I don’t like “doing stuff”, for lack of a better word, in pyjamas, and that includes inside my flat; they’re very clearly marked as “sleep only” to me and also, now that I think about it, somewhat “intimate”, maybe because I associate them so strongly with my bed(room).
        (However, if I were to go out go out – like to a restaurant – I would still have to change anyway so that aspect doesn’t make a material difference to me.)

        But just like you say, Jessica, the situation really boils down to: “He sees it as a sign that I’m refusing to do anything else that day.” – well, is it?

        Reply ↓
        1. londonedit*

          Yes, completely agree. Personally, when I’m in the office I like to dress a bit more smartly (mainly because I have loads of dresses that I really like) and then when I get home I’ll change into more comfortable clothes (like leggings and a sweatshirt) because dresses aren’t massively comfortable for lounging around in. Then I change into my pyjamas before bed. But I live on my own, and if I’m in for the night then most of the time I know I’m in for the night. My comfy after-work clothes are perfectly suitable for nipping to the shop or going for a quick walk – I wouldn’t do those things in my pyjamas. If a friend sent a last-minute message asking if I wanted to go out for a drink or something, I’d put nicer clothes on! And there’s no reason why the OP can’t do that.

          I think it does come down to if the husband got home and said ‘Oh, I was hoping we could pop out for a drink, do you fancy it?’, is the OP willing to change back out of their pyjamas, or is it really a ‘Nope, once the pyjamas on I’m not moving for anyone’ thing? I think it’s definitely worth a discussion. It reminds me of when I was a teenager – I had friends who would hang around in pyjamas all Saturday morning, but in my family you don’t wear pyjamas during the day unless you’re ill. So if my dad had come in and seen me watching TV in my pyjamas at 11am on a Saturday, he’d have said ‘Oh, not feeling well?’ Wearing jeans and a jumper, fine, but you were expected to get dressed into proper clothes even at the weekend. It was strange to me when I found out that not all families are like that – but it’s just one of those things that differs between different people! So I think it’s worth a discussion between the OP and their husband to dig a bit into where these assumptions are coming from and whether they’re true.

          Reply ↓
    3. Nodramalama*

      Yeah I think it probably comes down to whether pjs is actually a signal or not. If it’s not and LW is happy to change (or wear pjs) to do the grocery shopping, make that clear and there shouldn’t be an issue. But if it IS a signal that LW is done for the day, then thats a seperate issue this sub can’t really advise on

      Reply ↓
    4. Hroethvitnir*

      This. If Husband had an issue with chore allocation or staying in, he can bring that up. If he just doesn’t like what pajamas look like… yeah, not a big fan. I admit to being biased by the mention of professions here, because it swings my read more into Husband being judgemental about presentation.

      They are married! If there was a huge mismatch in expectations for presentation/how you spend your evenings, it should have come up well before now. If something has changed he can bring up the *actual* issue, not how she looks and what he’s reading into it.

      Also very funny to me the people taking umbrage at the idea of never going out. Like, that’s a totally neutral personal preference, I just think wouldn’t make sense for the letter unless the LW has suddenly changed, which it doesn’t sound like. But, man. We get home, chat, get changed into trackpants etc to walk dogs, wear that for dog walking and dinner etc, then go to bed (no pajamas). Who has energy for more? lol

      TBF, we did meet at a sport where we both trained once or twice every day, but socialising on a week night? Very rare, and when we do anything out of the ordinary… we get changed for that. If 99% of the time you aren’t going anywhere, the idea of being dressed up at home Just In Case is wild to me. I absolutely go to the shops in oversized trackpants, tramping boots, no bra and a t-shirt though. I don’t think LW’s husband would like me, haha.

      Reply ↓
  13. Language Lover*

    lw #1 The only thing I will train new hires on is how to set up their MS Office apps on the new computer (how to download, log in, access all the accounts) and make sure they have access to everything they need.

    If they need to know how to actually use them, I direct them to tutorials provided by our local library that they can do online. Maybe you could look to see if your local library has a software that offers tutorials on the apps?

    Reply ↓
    1. I love lawyers*

      Lemme guess, #1 is with the law firm we paid $100k to do documentation, which came back without any cross-reference field’s, meaning cross-references had to be updated manually after each turn of the documents. (More $$$ for the firm.) Have you ever met bankers who bragged about how little they train their employees in Excel? No, so why aren’t you training your lawyers in ADVANCED Word???

      Reply ↓
    2. Gradalag*

      I feel like these are the sorts of questions I expect to ask my peers not my boss! Like if I can’t figure out how to do something in excel or one of the specialized softwares I use and google isn’t giving me the answer, I’ll always ask one of the people in my group or my cubical mates. Maybe IT if it is something like I can’t get my camera to work.

      OP #1 can you ask the new lawyers to direct questions like that to each other?

      Reply ↓
      1. Neubert*

        The “new lawyers” likely aren’t power users of Word, and if one of them is, she’s not the de facto tutor for the entire group.

        Advanced Word skills are something a law firm should teach.

        Reply ↓
        1. Emmy Noether*

          Oftentimes, the problem is also that people don’t know what they don’t know.

          I’ve known people to be completely oblivious to the very existence of the cross-reference capabilities of Word, or how to autofill columns in Excel, for example. These are also not things I was ever taught in school. Now, I’m the type of person who will go click around every menu in a new-to-me program, but not everyone is. So some type of structured learning would increase the productivity of a lot of people…

          Reply ↓
  14. Jill Swinburne*

    #5 you think it makes you look flaky and you should have stayed put, but from where I’m sitting, you could be way more valuable to that team now. You have more professional and life experience, which you wouldn’t have got if you’d been in the same role all this time. And now you know what you don’t want, you’ll appreciate your old-new team all the more.

    Reply ↓
    1. Person from the Resume*

      Same.

      I work from home. I always dress for work (very casually and comfortably). But if I do go out in dressier, less comfy clothes I will often change back into my around the house clothes to get comfy.

      It’s not what I sleep in, though. I put that on when I get ready for bed sometimes minutes before getting into bed. I don’t spend much time in PJs outside of bed.

      Reply ↓
      1. Geriatric Rocker*

        When I get home I take my outer clothes and bra off and put my dressing gown on. I put my piggy Jim jams on just before bed.

        Reply ↓
  16. Letsgetvisible*

    I too put my Jammie on right away. I’ve also had a few work from home, days in which I just stayed in my Jammies all day. My h used to mention it to me, until I told that taking the bra off was the best part of my day and it’s how I relax. He used to have a nap on his afternoon break..lol. I put on Jammies. He stopped saying anything after that. I also love wearing all black pyjamas. People don’t know right away… ha. It comes in handy when you want to grab a quick coffee while staying in a hotel too.

    Reply ↓
  17. Isabel Archer*

    Work clothes for work. Comfy clothes for home but not bed (may or may not be “answer the door” appropriate). PJs for bed only…it’s good sleep hygiene and also a signal to my brain that it’s bedtime now. That signal is the same reason I try not to stay in my PJs all day on a weekend even if I know I’m not going out.

    Reply ↓
    1. UKDancer*

      Yes

      I often change when I get home out of my smart clothes into fleece trousers and a jumper but I only wear nightwear (usually a nightie) for bed because that works best for me. I don’t like wearing sleep clothes when I’m up and doing things.

      For me it’s more about making sure I don’t spill dinner on my smart work clothes.

      Reply ↓
    2. I take tea*

      I have this distinction too. I change into comfy clothes (and take my bra off), because it signals the end of the workday, but PJ is for bed only (if it’s winter, otherwise no PJ at all). I also find it easier to get my day started even on free days if I shower and change out of my nightwear. The signal PJ=bed is very strong for me. Yes, it means three outfits, but they don’t have to be washed every day.

      Reply ↓
  18. Barbara Eyiuche*

    1. At the law firm I used to work for, the owner most definitely did not want junior lawyers wasting their time on things that couldn’t be billed to clients. Yes, google how to do something, but if it’s taking more than a few minutes the support staff was supposed to help us.

    Reply ↓
    1. Nodramalama*

      Well it sounds like the support staff isn’t doing these tasks for them though, otherwise there wouldn’t really be an issue. At my old job the seniors never knew how to fix the printer or send a calendar invite, but they didn’t need to because I did.

      Reply ↓
        1. Artemesia*

          It is reasonable for admin support to provide this support but I read it as a peer lawyer, probably a woman being asked for it.

          Reply ↓
    3. Emmy Noether*

      I don’t know if I have unusually good google-fu or what, but very rarely is asking someone quicker than googling. Google is right there already – in the time I can get hold of a human, it would have already given me the answer.

      Never mind the risk of asking someone who also doesn’t know, but “helpfully” clicks around my screen for 10 minutes.

      Reply ↓
  19. Nodramalama*

    For LW1 I think its a bit odd to refuse to teach people something they actively don’t know, or don’t understand because you think they should already know it. For one thing, if multiple people are asking for help it doesn’t really matter if they should know or not, they clearly don’t. For another, i can’t think of a single lawyer I know who got training on how to use teams or zoom. Half of those a lot of people didn’t even start using until after the pandemic.

    I agree with Alison that if it’s a recurrent issue, organise training. After all, lawyers go to university but still benefit from plain language drafting training, or other professional skills training.

    Reply ↓
  20. Chris*

    “like you’re sort of giving up on anything more interesting happening that day.”

    There are plenty of ‘interesting’ things you can do in pajamas.

    Reply ↓
  21. Happily Retired*

    Re OP #1 (training new attorneys on office-related skills) – I’m a downright geriatric college student (age 70) finally getting my bachelors, and I have found that NONE of my delightful fellow students use or are even familiar with Office programs, and in fact downright despise them. They didn’t learn Office in high school, and they practically have a stroke when a professor wants them to submit a paper in Word document form. They use Google Docs almost exclusively, which I despise in turn. So yay, I know how to hide a column in Excel, but I have struggled mightily on the proper way to download, save, share, etc. a chemistry lab report in Googleland, and I still get twitchy at the fact that other people can edit my stuff.

    Also, college students (and I guess law students) don’t use Teams and all, so you’re being quite unrealistic IMO in thinking that they should know this stuff. OK, maybe they might have picked it up in a summer internship, but what if they were at a site that didn’t use them?

    Agreed, they should be able to learn Office products via tutorials and only then ask for help, but if you want a well-functioning office (lower-case o), you need to be willing to work with them on using calendars, Teams, and all the rest of things that make work possible.

    Agree that if you’re the woman and getting all these requests for training, that needs to be addressed, but that’s a separate issue.

    Reply ↓
    2. Tacky Halloween Decor*

      Yup. I work in IT for a university and contrary to popular belief young people are not magically more competent with computers. They can only use what they can use, and turns out people don’t know things if you don’t teach them. Who knew.

      Now could they figure it out by googling and reading? Probably, but people are surprisingly resistant to learning now things when, in their mind, they already know something else that does the job too.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tacky Halloween Decor*

        (Or googling and watching videos for that matter. There’s little about Office functions that you won’t find on YouTube)

        Reply ↓
    3. ex College lecturer*

      There is also the issue of who are these people supposed to be teaching these skills, as an ex college lecturer with children, I found it was the case of them being shown a computer in primary school, shown computer basics applying only to their class in secondary school and at college assumed to be geniuses with computers. Only at the college was there a specific course for office PC skills and that was aimed directly at the “try and be a secretary, don’t take drugs and get up the duff” mandatory enrolled students.

      And technology is always moving on, why use Word when you can use Google Docs, why use Teams when you can use Discord. Why are you using landlines rather than VOIP calling.
      For the Attorney in question surely assuming everyone to have the skills you have is is rather short-sighted.

      Reply ↓
  22. lyonite*

    OP5: FWIW I’ve known several people who sought out working for a favorite boss when the opportunity arose, and I’ve never thought much about it other than, “Yeah, when you find someone you work well for, you want to stick with them.” If anything, it speaks well of the boss!

    Reply ↓
  23. Emilu*

    Team PJs all the way. The second I get home from anything, the PJs are on. I have also been known to lightheartedly complain when someone wants me to do something that socially makes me change into what I dub “actual human” clothes.

    Reply ↓
  24. Radical Edward*

    I have been Team Loungewear for most of my adult life. While I have never had a job that started as early as a public school teacher’s, my first job was a physically demanding one that often got dusty or dirty, so although I needed to wear comfortable clothes, they weren’t fit to keep wearing after walking in the door. I got used to immediately changing into yoga pants and a tshirt or similar (and taking off my bra, also a key signal that my body and mind could exit Public Mode). Over the years I came to appreciate that clear divide in my day, and how it helped me to relax in the evenings – and it really made me notice how constricting even “comfortable” work attire can feel, once I got used to spending more waking hours in looser, softer garments. Now I can’t bear to so much as wear jeans around the house unless I’m doing yard or maintenance work!

    Reply ↓
  25. Soft Clothes Fan*

    I’m an attorney, and I change into what I call “soft clothes” (sweatpants, t-shirt, no bra) as soon as I get home. I wear the same thing on the weekends. When my husband and I go out, I change into jeans or a dress or whatever is appropriate.

    Multiple outfit changes is not hard, it feels like something deeper is going on here. I would take real issue with someone assuming that wanting to be comfy after work equated to laziness. Especially someone close to me who presumably sees how hard I work, at a stressful job.

    Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      Yes, I do the same. I’m in t-shirt and sweatpants right now as I drove kids to school, now I will drop the pants and socks and have a nap (would never go into bed in same pants that I have been wearing outdoors), then I will change to fancier work clothes, and then when back at home to sweatpants again.

      Reply ↓
  26. My oh my*

    For #3, I think it’s less about changing into pajamas after work, but more about changing into pajamas when you still are spending time with someone else.

    I also suspect your husband is trying to hint that he wants to see you in cuter outfits during your evenings together.

    Reply ↓
    1. But what to call me?*

      Spending time with someone else as in living in the same house and presumably interacting while they do it? Why should OP’s standard for acceptable relaxation have to include looking cute for her husband if she doesn’t feel like it? It’s her house, not a date. She’s not there to provide eye candy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Artemesia*

        I have. had a partnership marriage for decades and I still try to do the things that make my husband happy and vice versa. When it takes so little effort why would you not care what he thinks or what he wants from you?

        Reply ↓
        1. bamcheeks*

          It takes little effort FOR YOU. For other people, it’s actually a pretty big deal to not be able to be comfortable and relaxed because your partner wants you stay “on” and prioritising their needs over your own, especially after a full day’s teaching.

          Maybe that is LW’s husband’s expectation! It would not fly with me.

          Reply ↓
    2. Nodramalama*

      I think its less about ‘cute’ outfits and more that husband thinks that wearing pjyamas is a clear indicator that they’re not planning on doing anything for the rest of the evening

      Reply ↓
  27. Always forget what name I use here*

    I work from home and have a middle schooler with various activities before and after school. There are days I make sure she’s up, log on and work, drop her off and come home to a super busy day, do various pick ups and drop offs and never make it out of pajamas until it’s time to put on fresh ones. On days I actually have time to dress I usually have something specific I know I’m going to do (today was parent teacher conference), but I was in pajama by 7.

    Reply ↓
    1. Always forget what name I use here*

      I should probably say that I have sort of cultivated a “Is it pajamas or is it swanky?” wardrobe so that my partner never knows if it’s fancy or pajamas until I put on a bra and heels.

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      1. My oh my*

        This is interesting. I have something similar – I call it rags or swanky. My rags are pajamas, lounge gear, workout clothes. I work from home (in “rags”), and my main daily outside the house activity is going to the gym, so I am in “rags” much of my time. My swanky clothes are really nice – a lot of medium nice dresses (I favor Boden and Lilly Pulitzer lately) and a fair number a really nice dresses (dinners, performances). I hate wasting my nice clothes when no one sees them, so I don’t wear them around the house. They’re expensive and clothes don’t last an infinite number of washes. And I’m a messy eater. But this honestly kinda makes me depressed. I’m a fashionista who spends 98% of her time in rags. I deliberately tried to put together a “middle ground” wardrobe this last year and utterly failed. I was going to wear these middle ground clothes while I worked at home and went to the gym. And maybe sometimes at more casual events with my friends (I’m often a tad overdressed at things like bookclub, barbecues, etc). However, what happened was I still wanted to wear rags at home, and dresses while seeing my friends no matter how casual the get together. The middle ground clothes never felt right. Oh well, I tried!

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  28. Whale whale whale*

    LW#3, the only reason I don’t change into pajamas after I finish work is because I always sleep in shorts and a t-shirt, and that doesn’t work for housewear year round. But I do change to loungewear, even though I work from home. It’s one of my signals that the work day is done – shut down the computer, do some kind of exercise and change to loungewear.

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  29. pcake*

    To me, PJs feel warm, homey and safe. I can’t imagine a reason not to wear them in one’s own home. I absolutely can’t imagine why someone would have an issue with someone wearing them if no guests are expected. I also think not all people get tired or need destressing at the same rate, so how your husband dresses, feels or acts after work won’t be how you or anyone else does the same.

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    1. But what to call me?*

      Yes to this. He’s welcome to wear whatever he wants at home, but what business is it of his what OP wears? If he feels like household tasks aren’t being evenly distributed or something then that’s a separate issue. I’m actually finding myself getting a little angry on OP’s behalf. It’s everyone’s own business whether they want to wear PJs in their own home when there aren’t any guests around.

      Reply ↓
    2. Nodramalama*

      I feel like it could be a bigger issue that husband feels like by getting into pjs that his spouse is essentially making a unilateral decision that they’re not doing anything for the rest of the night.

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  30. spaceelf*

    OP 1, consider that this training, no matter how seemingly basic, establishes an baseline that incoming new employees can 1) know what they’re expected to use for their jobs 2.) know that your office cares enough about good onboarding that this training has been established 3.) potentially understand their data security responsibilities using company confidential data and maybe 4.) get everyone on the same page as to how the office expects employees to use tools for the company.

    Trust me, this is good onboarding and it makes your office looks organized and new attorneys know they can get the support they need so they can focus on winning cases or whatever new attorneys do. It’s a good practice any manager would embrace if you think about it. Nothing sucks worse that coming into a new job and not knowing where to go for IT help and feeling isolated over it.

    TBH, we don’t know which platform people are used to using. Zoom as a mainstream thing was almost unheard of prior to the pandemic which started like, what, 4 years ago? And My employer used Teams. I never had to use Zoom, and was stuck figuring it out on my own one day 4 minutes before a meeting.

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  31. Lisa*

    LW3, this is what “athleisure” was invented for! Clothes that are comfy but that you still could run to the store or the mailbox in.

    Your clothes are sending the signal that you are done doing anything and ready for bed. You don’t have to stay in your work outfit and you don’t have to wear a new comfy outfit every day (unless you want to) but I don’t think this is a hill worth dying on when there’s a simple solution.

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    1. But what to call me?*

      Only if he chooses to interpret them that way.
      I would absolutely die on the hill of being able to dress how I want in my own home. If OP isn’t doing their share of the housework and grocery shopping then that’s a separate issue that clothes aren’t going to solve.

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  32. pen*

    I definitely change into pajamas as soon as I get home, but I also work 12 hour shifts and am rarely going anywhere but home to eat and then sleep.

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  33. Chezzer*

    Re: pajamas
    I work from home and only get dressed if leaving the house. My industry is casual, so me wearing a T-shirt (that I both wear out and to bed) in a video call is unremarkable. My husband has multiple outside-the-house jobs and changes into comfy pants as soon as he gets home. I think your spouse just has different ideas about casual vs. bedtime. That’s a them problem. I immediately take off hard pants and my bra when I get home, and if I need to put them back on for some reason, I can. Maybe your husband just doesn’t know how to relax and is jealous.

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  34. Alex*

    Re: pajamas immediately after work

    I have almost always put pajama pants and a tshirt on as soon as I get home from work. Putting casual but public-intended clothes on would add about 1/3 more laundry to do, and for what? Possibly answering the door or running an errand? I’ll change clothes if that happens, but let me be comfy after a whole day in a uniform or business casual.

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    1. KateM*

      I’d think on the other side that if you wear pajamas to home AND bed you will wash them more often than when you wear them only to bed. So I doubt that the actual volume of laundry changes much.

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  35. Professional Lurker*

    OP5: I work in a small field and people migrating between companies is super common here. One of the product managers in my company has become a running joke by now, having left and then come back at least 3 times. As long as you have a reputation of a good worker and teammate, nobody bats an eye.

    I’ve had two of the people in my own team return after a year or two elsewhere, and I’ve been nothing but happy to have them back both times. It beats having to train someone new.

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  36. Jordan*

    Office workers often sit during work hours , teachers rarely sit for long periods during their day. So that’s a big difference between #3 and husband.

    To mix up the relax pjs, vs regular clothes
    – I’m a public school teacher with split shifts.
    I start at 8 in the morning, and last class ends at 9pm
    -But I have a 2-3 hour break in the middle.
    On days I come home between (because 13 hours is a lot on my poor old feet) and decide to lie down I change into sleep clothes, but might just do half and half. Work top, lounge bottoms, or vice versa.
    Since my work day ends late, I might take shower after lunch, then change into “play clothes/house wear”, but then change back to fresh work clothes for the 2nd shift.
    If I spend the break in my work/teaching clothes, there’s a limited relax mentality. So if I want the full relaxation, I have to physically dress different
    FWIW, most teachers in my experience do all the errands, extras etc on the way home. So once they’re home, they are in for the duration.

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  37. Coverage Associate*

    Lawyer here. Outlook, Teams, Jabber, Office, etc. are all things you have to learn somehow, and that learning is generally not for academic credit just like it’s not billable to a client.

    And the stakes can be high. For example, it is not obvious that when you forward an invitation in Outlook, a copy goes to the original sender. Outlook invitations come in as emails, and when you forward an email, the original sender doesn’t get a copy of the forward. Now Outlook lets you add text and attachments when you forward an invitation. Do you really want to save a penny by not training your associates on this, only to have them add a privileged attachment to an internal forward of an external invitation? This is the kind of thing that is unlikely to come up in school even if the school relies on Outlook, because you’re not dealing with confidential information in school in the same way.

    Or consider everything we have been reading here about use of AI or transcription or recording on video calls. Or just the lawyer who was not a cat.

    Then there are the rules of court and attorney ethics requiring attorneys to be current on the technology they use. Better E&O insurers write it into their policies.

    Find an online course to cover the software features attorneys are most likely to use and require all new employees to finish it in the first week or month working for you unless they can show they don’t need it. (Interestingly, I might expect an admin applicant to have some of the free Microsoft certificates, but not an attorney.) You will spend a penny but save a pound and maybe your license.

    And I have worked where I had to know how to do fancy things with Word, like adding an image or setting up a caption, myself, or where the admins were too busy to help me, and I have worked where I type in the substance and an admin formats even the easy headings and everything else. Guess where I was happier and where the partners didn’t have to obsess about clients cutting bills for excessive time? Guess what jobs I have left because I just couldn’t get the administrative help to bill efficiently?

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  38. Oh January*

    OP3: I’m a teacher with a chronic illness and physical disabilities and I’m in PJs (flannel pants and a sweatshirt in the winter, cotton shorts and a t-shirt in the summer) as soon as I’m home, so I feel you. PJs doesn’t mean I’m in for the night necessarily though — if I need to go out I’ll at least change into jeans.

    Is there something specific your husband wishes you were doing? Ask him to keep the conversation focused on that, then. It doesn’t matter how you’re dressed in your own home.

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  39. Emily*

    If that’s the issue then LW’s husband needs to say that, which is why I think LW needs to have a conversation with her husband. If the issue is mismatched expectations, then they need to address that.

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  40. Sparrow*

    RE: LW#3, I don’t see anything wrong at all with changing into pajamas as soon as you get off work! To me, it honestly doesn’t even read as being a homebody or making a declaration that you’re not leaving the house again until the next morning. Assuming you’re not wearing some kind of cursed pajamas that you can’t change out of, you can just get changed again if you want to leave.

    I will more often than not change into pajamas right after work, as a way of signaling to myself “You’re not in work mode anymore, it’s time to chill out and relax”. If I end up wanting to leave the house, I just… get dressed again. I can throw on a dress or a pair of pants + shirt in like 5 minutes.

    I know there are people who absolutely do not want to have to get dressed again after they put on their pajamas, so maybe the husband here is that type and assumes everyone else is the same way? But plenty of people, myself included, are not! I will sometimes change into my pajamas right after work even if I know for sure I have plans later in the evening because having some time in my pajamas helps me relax and have some “me time” in between work and whatever social event/errands/whatever I’m going to be doing later that will require me to be in socializing mode.

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  41. Charlie*

    I can’t fathom having an opinion, much less expressing annoyance, regarding what clothing my spouse changes into after work.

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  42. Wage slave*

    Re: Company Christmas party.
    I get it that some organizations (esp. government, academia etc.) don’t have a budget for employee Christmas/holiday parties. However, I’ve always understood such parties serve partially as a year-end “thank you” to employees.
    Years ago, corporate sponsored a full-blown Christmas party at a local banquet hall — and then charged $30 per person (so, $60 per married couple) — to attend. Gee, thanks, but no thanks. I didn’t attend for just that reason, but wondered for a while how mandatory it was. Would non-attendance be noticed? It wasn’t but I’ve never quite thought as well about the company since then.

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  43. Laskia*

    LW5 : it’s exactly what I did this year and it went fine. Some companies will react badly to that, of course, but it’s not weird at all, and these companies probably have some red flags re: what amount of loyalty they expect from employees

    Reply ↓

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