have a question about holidays at work?

by Alison Green on November 4, 2024

I’m doing a column for Slate answering questions about holidays at the office, and I want your questions! Maybe you’re wondering how to get out of buying gifts for all your coworkers, or you want to avoid being shafted in the Secret Santa this year, or you’re terribly afraid your boss is going to hand out nude, gold Barbies. Whatever it is, you can post your question below or email it to me at alison@askamanager.org and you may see it answered in an upcoming column.

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  1. No favorites*

    Can a manager participate in secret Santa? I work in a mixed office and I’m senior in hierarchy to most of those in the office. I’m directly over about 1/4. The other 3/4 of the staff are in a parallel reporting structure and always do Secret Santa and invites my staff as well. We all have great camaraderie and most of my staff joins, as did the person in my position before me.

    Can I?

    2. Pam Adams*

      Yes, but be extra sure not to provide a sucky gift. Also, if stealing is allowed, you shouldn’t be in the hunt for the ‘good’ gifts.

      1. JPalmer*

        I think you’re mistaking Secret Santa for White Elephant.

        Secret Santa is where every person gets a random other person and gets them a gift.

        White Elephant is where folks pick gifts at random and some rules let you ‘steal’ a gift from others.

        1. LizB*

          If I’ve learned one thing from reading this blog for years, it’s that there are several common names for different kinds of gift exchanges and every one of those names will sometimes (in some region, office, group of friends, etc) apply to every one of those exchanges. Someone out there does an exchange where they match one-to-one to give nice gifts and they’ve always called it White Elephant. Someone out there does an exchange where the point is to exchange tacky bad gifts and they call it Dirty Santa; someone else calls it White Elephant; someone else calls it Yankee Swap. Someone else also calls their exchange Yankee Swap but the gifts are supposed to be actually nice/desirable. None of these people are wrong, per se, but if they all got together in the same gift exchange without clarifying expectations, it would be a disaster.

          My takeaway is, if you are organizing any kind of gift exchange, whatever you call it, you must be extremely explicit about the rules up front. Never assume that everyone participating will understand what parameters you mean to set just based on the name.

          1. RabbitRabbit*

            Agreed. The invite needs to be super-clear about what kind of present is expected and what the process involves. I remember a White Elephant party at work where a used puzzle from the 1970s or so was one present, and another was a new-in-box Hello Kitty toaster (which was viciously stolen back and forth by two male employees trying to take it home for their respective young daughters).

          2. GammaGirl1908*

            Right. I’ve always known White Elephant to mean that you regift something; that is; give a nice gift but spend no money to do it.

            Yankee Swap to me is the gift-stealing thing (which, I frankly don’t understand what’s supposed to be fun about it).

            Secret Santa to me means a gift exchange where you draw names for your recipient, and s/he does not know who is bringing their gift.

            I would take Dirty Santa to mean gag gifts or funny / tacky items. Not necessarily cheap or embarrassing, though.

            1. CheeseHead*

              I’m already on the fence about coworker gift-giving. I would leave the state to avoid a workplace gift exchange with “Dirty” in the name.

      2. Sevenrider*

        Ditto. I worked at a law firm as an assistant and picked one of the few very good gifts. It was stolen from me by one of the attorneys. :(

        1. LifebeforeCorona*

          My partner’s workplace has a party and a raffle. The gifts include big screen TVs, IPads, Airpods, gaming systems, sports tickets, high value gift cards, a year’s supply of really good coffee etc. BUT management above a certain level are not allowed to participate. The employees are very loyal.

    3. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Yes, as long as their is a very clear spending limit and you’re not the kind of boss who is going to go over board, a la Michael Scott, so that one person gets an amazing gift worth ten times the limit that was set.

      1. Strive to Excel*

        Yup – get something tasteful within the bounds of the spending limit. Don’t hit up the dollar store but don’t overboard either.

    4. JPalmer*

      I think it’s reasonable but be a voice for gift price limits, that way someone doesn’t get spendy in hopes to influence your opinion of them.

    5. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      Our does and it is fine. Except that by some weird quirk I have drawn her name the last 4 years and I am out of ideas

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Ask if you can draw first this year, if only to increase your odds of not getting her name! I assume it’s a running joke in your office at this point and people would fully understand you wanting some variety.

      3. dawbs*

        If you use something like Elfster (which I recommend! that way the person organizing can play! and it makes it easier to anon. ask for ideas, etc), you can set up a rule that you can’t get the same person as last year.

        (We do it at work where there are no rules on it, and for the family, I set up a rule that makes the system not let us draw our own spouse or the person we got last year.)

    6. Miss Muffet*

      Perhaps you can work to change the gift giving to something more of a white-elephant/gift exchange style? It removes a lot of the stress with this hierarchy thing since everyone has an equal shot, and since no one is getting gifts for people specifically, it makes it much less fraught (see Alison’s “you may also like” links for the pitfalls). Short of that – if you have to do it in a way that it’s a specific person, I think enforcing a spending cap – and having it be something on the low-end of reasonable – will help it avoid the “giving up” issues.

    7. DJ*

      I think for a secret Santa rather than a steal. Find out what the going rate is, ensure it’s reasonable and allow ppl to opt out!

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My $0.02 — do join the “steal presents” grab bag gane, but take it on yourself to steal the unwanted present(s) from people who look unhappy with what they’re holding.

    9. Gentle Reader*

      Just don’t put your own name on all of the slips of paper if drawing names! There was an episode of House where he did that, and my mom and I think about it every year when we draw names for our family gift exchange!

  2. noname today*

    Anyone ever have success moving work-based “holiday” parties out of December and into January? December/year end is already filled with work deadlines and family commitments, and I’d love not to risk my—or my family’s—health/finances/energy at that time of year.
    Mid January and in would be soooooo much better!

    1. Bebopolea*

      We did and it worked great! We reframed it as a “welcoming the new year” party and everyone loved it.

    2. MKJ*

      Yes! My former company moved our holiday celebrations into January and even February due to scheduling conflicts. All celebrations were during the work day so nobody had to use their personal time to attend. It was always a great time and a nice afternoon off work.

      2. North American Couch Wizard Society Member*

        My husband’s old firm did this, basically because the managing partner was–let’s say frugal. The holiday party was held in March every year. Nobody really minded because it livened things up a bit, avoided an obligation at the busiest time of year, and to be honest no one was really that excited to go to it anyway so the lack of competition probably made it better.

    3. Coverage Associate*

      I worked for one small business that did this. I think the trick is to announce it early and be consistent year to year, so people don’t wonder about whether the company is delaying because of finances or other bad news.

      1. DEJ*

        On a similar note to consistency, we switch it up each year, December one year and January the next. Some people prefer December for the ‘holiday’ vibe and others prefer January, so this is our attempt to try to make everyone happy.

    4. Funko Pops Day*

      I actually loved when our party last year happened in January as a “kick off party”, for all the reasons you mention! Plus we’re a diverse office and not everyone celebrates a December holiday, but we all celebrate the new calendar year.

    5. Yikes*

      Yes! I work for a small org that hosts our annual event in December and participates in a high-priority political event each January. Last year I started not-so-subtly mentioning to our ops team that the holiday party would be so much better if it weren’t in the middle of everyone’s busy season, and now we have our party in February!

    6. spcepickle*

      We also moved our winter party to January. So much easier to make the party welcoming to everyone, instead of Christmas party that we call something else. So much less busy, venues are cheaper to book, we don’t compete with all the other things happening in December.

    7. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Not only does it avoid a busy time of year for folks, but it neatly side-steps gift giving and the specificity of religious and non-religious celebrations.

    8. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I know someone whose holiday party was in March! They seemed to like it, though I can’t speak to how anyone took the transition from December to March (assuming it didn’t always exist in March).

    9. HannahS*

      My hospital department does. I think it’s great. They like it because it’s cheaper to host in January, and I like it because it’s finally a party that isn’t we-call-it-a-holiday-party-to-be-inclusive-but-we-all-know-it’s-a-Christmas-party.

    10. Sleepy Hollow*

      Ironically this year we’re doing our party in January for the first time due to venue availability and people are not happy to say the least.

    11. Happier post-holiday!*

      Yes! Our staff (a school) has done that several times. Life is much calmer in mid-January, and the party was something to look forward to in the new year. An added bonus – we have potluck snacks so most people raided their pantry and brought unused holiday treats. Leftovers might not sound good, but we have amazing bakers and cooks with big freezers….

    12. Benihana scene stealer*

      I was at a company that did this one year, but it turned out there wasn’t the same holiday feel so after that one year we went back to having it in December

    13. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      My last company did the big holiday party in mid January and it was such a relief to everyone. It avoided really connecting the party with any religion, it got away from the busy stressful year end stuff and travel. And workwise, it was so much better near the beginning of a quarter than near the end of a quarter.

      It seemed to have much higher attendance than traditional holiday parties.

    14. MikeM_inMD*

      One company I worked for (before it got sucked up into a very large corporation) held an annual “Holiversary” party in mid-Jan. to cover the winter holidays and the anniversary of the public launch of the company. They freely admitted that part of the reason was to make it cheaper and easier to book, being outside the Dec. glut of parties. Everyone dressed to the nines and we had a lot of fun.

    15. HSE Compliance*

      I or my spouse have been at multiple companies/departments where the holiday party was pushed to January if not February. Honestly, it’s nice that way. Less stressful and often a nice break after the rush of the holiday season (and all that associated travel).

    16. CubeFarmer*

      We did this about a decade ago, and it’s become very popular. A post-holiday lunch in January. I think the venues like it, too.

    17. Lily Potter*

      It’s absolutely fine – although you’re quickly running out of time to make the change for this year, If your December party has “always” been held on a certain date/time, your employees may have already made scheduling decisions around that date.

    18. UAdmin*

      We’ve done this at several places where I’ve worked. This year there’s an added benefit of accommodating the religious diversity of my current group of coworkers. Starting off a new calendar year with a celebration avoids conflicting holidays and makes it easier for the employee who doesn’t celebrate holidays.

    19. RedinSC*

      Yes, we did. End of Calendar Year is so busy that we moved our staff holiday party to January, and I felt it was well received. People weren’t worried about missing half day while their work piled up, etc. The executive team just made sure to communicate the change and included staff in deciding what to do for the lunch (catering in or restaurant).

    20. KTbrd*

      Yes! The first year it was by accident– our party got snowed out (thank you, Minnesota) and we had to reschedule for January (and then reschedule a SECOND time in January when the original 2nd date was snowed out!). It worked so nicely that the next year we put a poll out on Slack asking how people would feel about making it a permanent thing. That got positive responses so we’ve moved forward with that! The only “downside” is that it can be awkward to pick up catering in January wearing a full-tilt ugly sweater get-up! But overall the reception at our office has been positive. I highly recommend switching, tbh, because December is often overwhelmingly busy and January kinda sucks XD

      1. iglwif*

        Yeah, January is an unfun month and I think having a party would make it more fun. Whereas December is already full of parties and doesn’t need another one.

    21. BethRA*

      We did, for the reasons you mentioned: Dec. is already crazy work-wise, everyone’s dealing with travel and other commitments, etc.. We still do a Secret Non-denominational Gift-giving Being or Yankee Swap depending on what people want to do that year. The move has been very well-received.

      1. Wolf*

        Yankee Swap in January is the best. Time to regift that bafflingly weird item you got from your in-laws, the wine you’ll never drink, and the socks that are the wrong size! We’ve seen a few hilarious ones.

    22. JustMyImagination*

      My former small deprtment did this since December always had tight timelines. We even still had a gift-giving component but it was a White Elephant style and you weren’t allowed to spend money. We called it a re-gift exchange and it was a way to get rid of the weird present from your great aunt or something around your house you wanted to get rid of.

    23. Jen*

      We did that and it works great! We are primarily remote so it was almost impossible to get together until after the holidays. We do a small, optional gift exchange in December and usually the people who don’t take that week off toast the holidays on Zoom before we leave for our days off at Christmas.

    24. Lizzie*

      My company doesn’t do a party anyumore but each group goes out to lunch. For the past few years, we’ve done it in January. there are only a few of us, and its guarenteed that leading up to the holidays, SOMEONE is out.

    25. White Dragon*

      My husband’s company is small, but extremely diverse and quickly moved away from a “winter holiday” model. The only significant year end event is that bonuses are given out sometime in November.

      However, they do a company funded family weekend at a resort in March as a celebration of their staff. They cover accommodation and a banquet. Staff are well enough compensated that if anyone wants to do local activities it’s not a hardship.

      Frankly, I don’t miss the December stress.

    26. FunkyMunky*

      our holiday party is always in second half of January, one year it was February even! I think they was just something the higher ups decided on and it’s obviously cheaper and more availability for everyone to join

    27. AnotherOne*

      My office has done both December and January. I think we’re moving back to January again- December gets crowded with everyone else’s holiday parties (we’re at a university) and we already have a different office event that month.

      It’s less expensive for the office, easier to get locations if it’s off site.

      And for many employees, I think it’s just less stressful. Though I’m sure there are some people who will be upset that there isn’t a “holiday” party.

    28. Not Australian*

      We once moved ‘Christmas’ to 5 February because our boss was in hospital over the festive season and we didn’t want to celebrate without him. It was a disaster: other departments didn’t understand why we were all out of the office at the same time, the restaurant wasn’t decorated for Christmas and didn’t have a holiday menu available, and we were all just too deflated to enjoy ourselves.

      2. amoeba*

        Yeah, I mean… definitely don’t call it a “Christmas party” and try to make it Christmas-themed in February! (We actually also did that once and it was just weird.) But if you’re trying to move *away* from that anyway, it’s a different story, I’d say?

        (I’m in Europe where the whole debate is very different, anyway, but from what I understand from this blog, Christmas parties aren’t the best idea in a US workplace, anyway…)

    29. StrawberryWine*

      Yes, I’ve had a few companies do this, and from an admin perspective, it makes finding a venue much easier (and probably cheaper). There’s a huge rush for the first two weeks of December. It can also take the emphasis off of Christmas (coming from an American perspective), which can be hard to do for a party in December, where Christmas trees and ornaments are bound to be part of most decor. By having it in January, you can really focus on a more secular, Happy New Year sort of event.

      This year we’re having a team dinner in December, but the larger company is hosting the company wide party in January.

    30. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      We seem to alternate depending on the bigger calendar. The division does something, the building does something. We had a couple December birthdays and just end of year deadlines, so when this happens, our manager emails in the end of November and sets expectations: We can do a lunch on X day or Y day in December, but there are B work event, and C larger party. How about January… and picks a couple dates. It’s all set on the calendar and everyone looks forward to it.

    31. DJ*

      I think it’s a great idea as a lot of things close in January. Have it later in the month so ppl are back from leave. Even better if in the workplace (many workplaces are quieter in Jan). But also have a very small late celebration in the office late Dec.

    32. Tangochocolate*

      I would check with your finance team though. If their year end is December, some teams would be working considerable extra hours Jan/early Feb and wouldn’t be able to make it.

    33. Gumby*

      I worked for one place where we sometimes had the party in January for logistics reasons. It was a small group – fewer than 20 of us at the location – so we planned around everyone’s schedules. Those were during the work day and not crazy fancy. Of the 3 years I worked there I think it was in January twice and December once.

      But my favorite was the place where the big annual company party was the anniversary of the company’s founding in early October. That very neatly did away with any “winter holiday but really Christmas” vibes plus it was so much nicer to have an event that was in a less busy time of year. I’m sure they were able to get venues more easily and probably at lower prices because of it. One of our parties was at a science museum and I am 100% sure it wouldn’t have been available to a small business in December. It would have been reserved for a larger org that would pay for the full facility rental not our group of under 200.

    34. Beth**

      I did this for years when we were a team of two. it helped that our employer’s financial year end is not December, so our January celebration was in the same fiscal year as all the teams celebrating in December.

      An advantage I didn’t see anyone else mention is price/value for money. Here in the UK where December office celebrations are ubiquitous, most venues increase their prices in December, require set menus with few choices etc. In January, when everyone is partied out, there are often buy-one-get-one-free offers or similar. With the same budget, we were able to have a much nicer lunch in January than we could have afforded in December.

      1. Freya*

        We always do a December end-of-year thing because it’s a small group, never more than 10-15 people, and one of the up-market hotels in my city with good parking does a really good pre-booked buffet so we can easily accommodate most food issues – the staff are really good about making sure people with cross-contamination issues get first go at the fresh dish of things they like, if we let them know. We do have to organise and book no later than October to ensure we can get seats at the time that works for everyone!

    35. Dancing Otter*

      Well, if you want to exclude all those boring accountants, go right ahead! January is year-end closing and preparing the annual reports to stockholders and the SEC. It’s usually when the external auditors are making our lives miserable, too.
      It’s been twenty years, and I haven’t forgotten working myself into pneumonia every year: no time off was allowed until some time in February.

      1. amoeba*

        I mean, if your department has a busy season, it obviously makes sense to schedule this afterwards! (So, end of January/beginning of February would probably work quite well in this specific case?)
        In all teams I’ve ever worked in, the party was department only, so the people organising it knew that kind of thing and it was easy to take into account.

      2. Freya*

        It’s July here in Australia, and it drives me nuts (and has for years) that there’s great events in one of my hobbies that I’d love to go to but usually can’t because they happen on the weekend that PAYG Payment Summaries / Income Statements / Group Certificates are due. One year, I was at one of those events, frantically doing those PAYG Payment Summaries in between judging heats and performing and doing other stuff that I WANTED to do. It was awful and exhausting, on top of an awful and exhausting few weeks getting all the OTHER stuff done for clients that ALSO had significant penalties attached.

    36. Yes!*

      My office did this and it was wonderful. No trying to sync up everyone’s schedules during busy holiday season, and everyone was much more relaxed. And before COVID, when we had our parties at restaurants, we didn’t have to contend with every restaurant already being booked.

  3. Jane Bingley*

    What does a remote workplace owe its team?

    We have staff around the world, some of whom are found in geographical clusters that allow for a holiday party. Others are not near any colleagues. What’s the best way to ensure everyone feels celebrated? Right now we have parties where it makes sense and give a gift card to those who can’t make it to one, plus a personalized note from the CEO. Is there a better way?

    1. Tech Industry Refugee*

      We usually get some kind of company merch – sweatshirt, water bottle, etc. I appreciate the gesture but I am not keen on wearing logos. I would avoid doing that if possible.

      I like the gift card and personalized note idea!

    2. JMC*

      a gift card is good but make it a visa gift card not specific to any company, there are so many that need to be boycotted for one reason or another.

      1. L*

        Honestly, even just the fact that not all companies exist everywhere in the world makes a Visa gift card a better option. Target is generally a decently-regarded store afaik, but a gift card to there would be utterly useless for someone in Canada.

        Not as much of an issue if everyone is scattered around the same country, but OC mentions worldwide employees so it’s definitely a concern!

        1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

          I just found out that my niece in a nearby state doesn’t have the same grocery store I have. I thought that was crazy. It’s a big chain but it ends somewhere between us.

        2. Freya*

          It’s no longer true, but at one point there were at least two different IKEA entities in Australia, and gift cards purchased at one weren’t valid at the other – I had to organise a friend to purchase a gift card on my behalf for me to give to a family member (living interstate and visiting my family in my home state) for Christmas.

    3. MountainGirl19*

      Maybe I’m a curmudgeon but I’m so over holiday celebrations surrounding work as a remote worker. I prefer nothing be done other than sending some holiday cheer my way, but if management insists, send me money or give me time off, okay to leave early, etc. I am a huge holiday celebration person, but that is reserved for my family and friends.

    4. WFH4VR*

      The best present for everyone is free time off. A full day if you can swing it, or at least a half day off that doesn’t count towards vacation time. Stipulate that it has to be used up by March so people actually take the time.

    5. I Have RBF*

      Last year we got branded jackets – we got to pick from three styles. So now I have a nice new jacket, nicer than I would buy myself! The previous year we got knit hats. It’s really hit or miss. One company I worked for gave you a budget and you could get stuff for your home office with a special Amazon wish list that they then ordered for you.

  4. Just a Manager*

    I give a holiday gift to each of my team each year. I usually spend a couple hundred dollars of my own money on this. Is it reasonable to expect a thank you for it? I might get two thank yous out of ten people.

    1. HannahS*

      If my supervisor gave me a gift, I would say thank you to them directly when they gave it to me, but I wouldn’t send an extra card or anything. I also wonder if the staff know that it’s from you personally and not from the department.

    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Written thank yous or verbal thank yous? Of the ones you receive, which are they? Miss Manners says that thank you notes are for when you’re not there in person to thank someone, so if you hand a gift to Fergus and Fergus says “Thanks, Just a Manager!” then that’s considered a thank you and no more is required from Fergus.

      Is it “reasonable” to expect a thank you? Sure. Is it something I would fixate on? No. If it bothers you enough, you can definitely stop doing giving gifts, but I would examine what your motivation is for giving holiday gifts to your staff in that case.

      1. Anon in Aotearoa*

        This is a very good question. When, in the past, I’ve received Christmas gifts from my manager, I’ve assumed that they’ve been given a budget from the company to do so (and even that they’ve been handed the gifts to distribute, if they’re not noticeably personalised). I’d have been shocked to learn they came out of the manager’s pocket.

    4. JPalmer*

      I think Thank-Yous are increasingly uncommon, especially written ones.

      You can also level with folks that it isn’t required, but it is something that motivates you to do it. “Hey team, before we go for the holidays, I wanted to thank all of you. I put effort and my own money into these holiday gifts each year. This is IN NO WAY required at all, but I’m a little old fashioned in that written thank yous make me feel really appreciated in turn and makes my holidays warm.”

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        I would 100% interpret this as being required. If it bothered someone enough to tell me that they didn’t get a thank you but wanted one, and if that person was my boss, it would not come across as being an optional thing.

        1. Heidi*

          Exactly this. If someone wrote this to me, I’d definitely intepret it as saying, “I absolutely expect to receive a handwritten thank you note from each and every one of you and my opinion of you will suffer if I don’t.” Now, if that’s how you really feel, it might be better to make it known to your reports rather than letting them fall into a read-my-mind trap, but you really don’t have to give gifts either.

        2. Grizabella the Glaimour Cat*

          Yes, I would interpret it as some sort of a passive-aggressive “hint,” and it wouldn’t sit well. I was always taught that thanks should be freely given and that it was never appropriate to ask for thanks (which would include dropping hints).

          And considering the manager/employee power dynamic, even a hint would feel like an “assignment.” After all, this is the person whose job it is to tell me to do things, and my job is to do those things.

          Lastly, expecting a written thank you note for a gift given in person is pretty extra, and being upset about not receiving one is absurd imo. (I mention that IN CASE that is what the LW meant, which wasn’t clear from the letter.)

      2. OldHat*

        If you do that, be okay if your staff indicate they really don’t want a gift. A lukewarm response might indicate that they don’t appreciate the gift or feel it was about the routine rather than something given much thought.

      3. CubeFarmer*

        Um, no. That just makes LW look parental: “Now staff, what do we say when someone gives us a gift…? That’s right, and preferably in writing.”

        Personally, when my supervisor gives me a gift, I immediately write a thank-you email. It’s a very easy way to score points, and I’m surprised that more people don’t do this.

        1. Lizzie*

          I do this as well. I get gifts from all of my bosses, and because we work from home and in office, and we all take time off, i never know if I’ll be seeing them or not. so if I come in, and find a gift on my desk, I immediately send a quick thank you email.

      4. Benihana scene stealer*

        No – that sounds like a parent telling their kid to call their grandparents to thank them

      5. Evan88*

        Did you try saying that out loud? Like, read that script out loud to yourself. If my boss said that to me, I wouldn’t be able to write a thank you note because I would be laughing so hard my thank you note hand wouldn’t work.

    5. --*

      They should thank you once per gift, and that is it. So, if they thank you as you hand them the gift – that’s enough. If you send a gift in the mail and never receive thanks, that is not enough. It sounds like others think you might be expecting a thank you card or similar, and I don’t think you’re asking for that, but if you are – no, that’s not reasonable to expect. They may assume the company is paying and that you’re just the conduit. I think it’s OK to drop this tradition.

    6. is.alpha*

      How are you giving the gift? If it’s left on my desk, even if it’s signed by my manager, I 100% expect it’s from the company or bought with company funds. If you want to do something a little celebratory with just your team, maybe lunch & holiday cookies?

    7. Jack Russell Terrier*

      I don’t know how much per person you spend but that’s a lot of money. I wonder if that’s what’s actually driving this feeling. Might you feel more holiday cheer if you decided on something fun that’s more of a token?

    8. MigraineMonth*

      I think it might be useful to be really clear with yourself why you’re spending your money buying gifts for your team. Does it feel like an obligation? Is it a thank-you for the work they’ve done that has benefitted your standing? Is it something you did in past years and feel is expected of you now? Is it a way to improve your reputation with your team?

      Once you’re clear on *why* you’re doing it, decide *if* you want to continue. It’s okay to end a tradition, especially if this is an effort your team doesn’t seem to particularly appreciate. Maybe taking each report out for coffee to talk about their career progression would be a better way to connect with them than a $20+ gift.

      Third, I’d look at how you’re delivering the gift. Handing someone the gift is most likely to solicit an immediate verbal thank-you. If that isn’t possible, it’s probable that your reports are busy doing their jobs and may forget to follow up with a thank-you later.

    9. Nina*

      Do your team know it’s your own money? In past jobs, holiday gifts presented by my manager were known to be ‘from the company’, to be exactly the same for every employee, and to come out of company money (specifically, the team morale budget), so I can definitely see myself assuming that was the case. And in that case you say ‘thank you’ at the time but that’s all – the company is buying a unit of your goodwill with the ‘gift’; they have to be getting something out of it or they wouldn’t do it.
      I would be horrified and seriously reconsider staying long enough to risk getting promoted if I found out I was in a company where managers spent their own money on holiday gifts for employees.

  5. Teapot, Groomer of Llamas*

    I was in a situation once where my employee spontaneously gave me a (cheap) present for the holidays. I was really conflicted because I do believe that gifts should flow down, but how do you reject something like that in the moment without coming across as a jerk?

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think in the moment you just say “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” as genuinely as you can and, if it’s a shareable gift (e.g. a box of chocolates), put it somewhere that the whole team can share in it. Then the following year, get out ahead of things by letting the team know they absolutely shouldn’t get you anything. That person may have a “Yikes, did I make a mistake last year?” moment, but it could be worth framing in an “Here’s some workplace etiquette” context since obviously not everyone knows. When I was younger, my boss used to get me stuff, and I always thought I had to reciprocate because no one told me otherwise.

    2. JSPA*

      As a grad student, I got, “it’s kind of you to want to do this, but I really can’t accept gifts from students and employees. Do you want to give it to a friend, or we can put it out for the department?” (it was a regional cookie in a nice tin, which made sharing possible.)

      1. You know it's Liz*

        Love this framing! It acknowledges the kind motive behind the gift, provides clearity on a missing piece of info the giver didn’t have (without any blame or guilt), and quickly redirects that generous impulse to others in a way that would seem like a win for all. Thanks for sharing this!

    3. spcepickle*

      My answer is to not reject it. I totally agree the gifts should flow down and I work hard to set the expectation that I should not be given gifts. But I also respect that culture difference exist and if accepting a gift from someone makes them happy who am I to disappoint them and in some cases come off as a jerk. In your example I would have had said thank you and accepted it.

    4. Holly Jolly*

      I once had a new manager who completely ignored our team and skipped the meetings they set up with us. In 3 months or so, we’d barely had a conversation. For Christmas, they gave me some kind of anti-aging cosmetic cream! I just said, “gee, thanks,” and gave it to my sister as a gag gift.

    5. I Have RBF*

      So, in the past I’ve gotten cheap gifts for my coworkers and managers. Before we went to WFH, I would make jam, can it, and hand it out, even to managers up three levels. It was because I didn’t think they should be left out of the yummies.

      Was I wrong? Maybe, but it was just a thing I did for the people I worked with, regardless of rank.

    6. Orora*

      In my line of work, I often assist residents of different countries with arranging visits to the U.S. When they come, they will often bring a small gift (usually sweets or snacks) from their home country as a “thank you”. My standard response is a warm “That’s totally unnecessary, but much appreciated. It’s my pleasure to be able to help.” Sharing is a nice gesture, too, if the gift makes it possible.

  6. zolk*

    I’m always surprised that our office’s holiday/end of year parties _always_ involve alcohol. Not a lot–usually everyone gets two drink tickets–but I don’t get why that’s a thing at all. I’d love if these parties just ditched alcohol entirely and focused on feeding us well or even giving us a free afternoon off.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Why is that surprising? I’m not saying you’re wrong to hope for an alcohol free party, just that it’s so common I’m confused why it’s surprising.

    2. Tech Industry Refugee*

      Eh? That is very common at holiday parties. You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to.

    3. Strive to Excel*

      It’s a thing because people like alcohol!

      If you feel like they disproportionately focus on alcohol with the result that the food is mediocre, that’s something you could tell whoever’s in charge of food ordering. Especially if you’ve got some sort of food restriction that hasn’t been accommodated well in prior years. It’s also not unreasonable to ask for more non-alcoholic options.

    4. JMC*

      Do companies even do this anymore? I haven’t had a holiday party with alcohol at work in decades. I don’t think offices even do many holiday parties anymore.

      1. Bella Ridley*

        Uh….yes? Depending on your region, your area of work, your demographics…yeah, holiday parties are extremely common, and alcohol is present at tons of them.

      2. Roland*

        I’ve never been to a company party without alcohol. Not that it’s all people getting sloshed, but rightly or wrongly, a large celebration in the US and many other countries just… always includes alcohol.

      3. beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk-ox*

        Maybe it’s regional or something, but…yes, most certainly, both holiday parties and alcohol at said parties still occur. I’ve worked for four different companies in very different industries over the past 15 years and all of them had holiday parties of some sort. One closed the office early the day before Christmas so the staff could have lunch and do a White Elephant exchange, and there was no alcohol at that party. The other three had massive holiday parties — one had a cash bar, one did four hours of open bar for beer and wine (an abysmally foolish choice imo), and the third opted for the drink ticket system (and I think allowed more drinks after your two tickets, but you had to pay. I generally only have one drink, so this was never something I encountered personally). The last two also either discounted or paid for rideshares for everyone for the night of the party.

      4. Irish Teacher.*

        I’m in Ireland, but our staff parties always take place in restaurants or pubs where…there is obviously alcohol and it’s not unusual for people to get a couple of drink tickets or for management to “put money behind the bar” for a drink for everybody.

        I think it would be hard to find a venue offering office parties but not offering alcohol, at least in Ireland. I also have my doubts that all that many people would choose to go to a work party that didn’t have alcohol available, not because most people are that focussed on alcohol but because…well, most people aren’t so close to their colleagues that their company alone is worth organising a babysitter, giving up your free time, etc for. For most people, the food and drink is at least part of the incentive.

    5. mlem*

      My group’s gatherings, which are on company property during work hours, don’t generally involve *consuming* alcohol, but some years ago now, they decided to allow alcohol in the Yankee Swap (aka White Elephant, non-garbage version). It did change the vibe, to me, and when I last attended, there were always 3-5 alcohol items — beer sets, wines, that kind of thing.

      Not a fan for my own reasons, but I stopped participating so I don’t really have an opinion on what the rest of the group does.

      1. mlem*

        Ugh, phrasing, I meant to clarify that my team did/does a swap of reasonably useful items at a specific price point rather than trying to unload useless or joke items. I didn’t mean that one version of the swap *is* ‘garbage’.

    6. Disappointed Australien*

      One place I worked did this but made sure you could ‘spend’ the drink tickets on bar food. Which in Australia pretty much always includes hot chips as well as little foil packs with 18 peanuts. So my “holiday drinks” was always wedges and fries or something, followed by half the rest of the team using their “drink” tickets to buy fried junk food as well.

  7. Lacey*

    No questions, but I’m so grateful for the first ever AAM I read, on Slate, that talked about how gifts should flow down, not up.

  8. Penthesilea*

    I moved to a new organization over the summer and now oversee a division of 23 divided between two different teams. At my old company, where I managed a group of 6, I took everyone out to lunch (I paid) around the holidays and we usually had a great time. I can’t afford to take 23 people out to lunch! I’ve been told that our office gets a ton of food gifts around the holidays from vendors and we have a larger holiday party for the whole organization. I would love suggestions for what to do to celebrate the holidays with my division.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Any time I’ve been part of a team-specific celebration, it’s usually been an afternoon potluck with games (trivia, bingo, etc.) and a Yankee Swap with a $10-$20 limit. It was mostly fine, but I always would never have missed it if we hadn’t done this. I’ve also been on teams where we just didn’t do anything separate from the main party and no one was upset about it.

      Can you ask other managers what, if anything, they tend to do with their teams? That way you can get a sense if it’s even something that’s even done in your workplace.

      A handwritten card of appreciation to each person would probably honestly suffice. They know how big their team is, I’m sure they’re not expecting much!

      1. MigraineMonth*

        I’d much prefer a card of appreciation–if it contained specifics to my work–over a company-branded mug or yet another scented candle.

    2. Strive to Excel*

      Ask if they have any existing traditions! It sounds like there’s already a holiday party and food gifts; maybe they have other things going on they’re used to doing.

    3. But not the Hippopotamus*

      Honestly, I think if you could let everyone go early on a Friday, they would probably appreciate it. It doesn’t cost anything that a party wouldn’t cost (productivity) and is religiously neutral. And, you can offer it to remote workers too. Just be clear about the rules. E.g. I’ve gotten the go-ahead to give everyone an hour off on Friday the Xth. please charge it to the overhead account and enjoy the time!

    4. WFH4VR*

      Give them free time off. Shut the office for an afternoon and let everyone go home early. For remote people, give them an afternoon to log off. People do not want gifts, trinkets, cards, or food that they can’t eat for whatever reason. They want TIME.

  9. Name (Required)*

    I’d love a non-confrontational, non-emotional way of saying “Hell no, I’m not gifting up to the guy who has three houses and only considers employee input if it comes from a man.”

    2. Arrietty*

      You can just say “my understanding is that gifts should only flow down the hierarchy, if at all, so I’m going to skip this year”. No need to add the reasons why you don’t want to give to that specific person!

    4. I Have RBF*

      “X and I did not work closely this year, and I don’t have the budget for any gifts except close coworkers.”

  10. Casual Librarian*

    I’d love to know a reasonable expectation of leave/workload/timelines is around the holidays when schools are often closed. Between childcare and family and general merriment leave, I feel like my work can grind to a standstill since so many people are on leave (for good reason! I want them to take it!), but I don’t necessarily want to be at work twiddling my thumbs because I need approvals on projects before they can move forward. I try to get most things approved before Dec. 15 and generally won’t set any other deadlines until a week into the new year to prevent this, but some things can’t be helped. What is a reasonable amount of “slow down in turnaround” at this time of year?

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think “mid December until the kids go back to school” is a reasonable amount of slow down time. Or rather, whether it’s reasonable or not, that’s when it’s going to be slow, so plan accordingly.

      I think if you do have something specific you’d need to get approved during that period, I’d talk to the person doing the approver to see if they’ll be around and, if not, what they want you to do instead. Maybe they’re checking their email anyway and are fine to sign off. Maybe they’re not but would welcome a text on approval day letting them know to check their email. Maybe they don’t want you to interrupt them at all and want you to wait until January.

      That said, I feel like there’s always stuff to work on during this period even if it’s slow. I like to update my job manual, deal with the small tasks I never have time for when things are in full swing, get all my documents / trackers / whatever ready for the next calendar year, etc. I like it as a catch up period, and never seem to get through everything on the list despite how slow it is.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I disagree. I think a couple of days before Christmas until Jan 2 is a reasonable slowdown frame. Kids might not get back to school until the 2nd or 3rd week of January and most employees are back from vacation quite soon after new years day.

        1. Caramel & Cheddar*

          I mean, use your judgement for your school jurisdiction, obviously. Kids here go back the Monday after New Year’s Day, so you’d never have to wait until three weeks into the new year to get an answer about something if you use the school break as your general guidelines.

          1. amoeba*

            I think they changed it in 2022, to distance themselves from Russia? (The Russian version is on January 6th after the Julian calendar). In Ukraine, it’s now December 25th/26th.

    2. Heather*

      Can you meet with management for any specific projects that have been put aside because no one ever has the time and try to get them done?

    3. Make it bold and make it red*

      I’ve used that kinda slowdown to handle gapfill type projects, organize files (physical and digital), deep clean my workspace & inbox, maybe start planning out the next year. If you’re able, you could even save tasks for that time of year. During those couple weeks I generally take my time and enjoy longer breaks (maybe even work with a holiday movie on in the background) because there are other times of year I can’t really do that.

      There’s really only so much you can do if your work relies on other people who aren’t there.

    4. Lady Danbury*

      I’m not sure it’s actually helpful what a group of internet commentators have to say about what’s reasonable because we can’t influence what happens at your job and it doesn’t sound like you can either. It might be more helpful to ask how do you manage the slowdown. For me, it’s a great time to catch up on all of those tasks that I’ve been putting off until I had the time that I never seem to have. As MIBMIR mentioned below, it’s also a good time to reflect on the past year and prepare for the new year. For example, many companies will be moving into annual review/goal setting season, so it doesn’t hurt to get a jump on that.

      1. Roland*

        Yeah, I had the same reaction. Is there a specific problem? And if so, can the comment section help brainstorm specific solutions for it?

  11. Heather*

    My workspace generally has themes throughout the year such as: sports (fall) or travel (spring). What is a great December theme that has nothing to do with holiday/religion?

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        What’s the nature of the displays? Like is this just stuff you’re hanging in your office/cubicle, or is it a big display by the reception desk or something else?

        1. Heather*

          We are a student space that gets visitors all day long. The themes are for materials and atmosphere. We are in Florida, so standard “winter” isn’t a real option.

          2. SpaceySteph*

            As a fellow Floridian I also hate “generic winter” as a holiday theme. I’d suggest either

            ‘outdoors’ because you know the only time its good to be outside in Florida without melting is the winter OR
            it’s citrus season! I’m picturing giant sparkly oranges and grapefruits everywhere.

      2. Yvette*

        If you live in a part of the world where it is applicable, how about snow? Snowmen, snowflakes, penguins, skiing sledding. To me,the theme of winter wonderland doesn’t scream Christmas.

    3. Lady Lessa*

      What just about winter, and evergreens (no balls on them)? Or an interesting contrast of winter where you are and summer in the opposite hemisphere.

    4. Strive to Excel*

      General winter/winter cozy (hot drinks, snowflakes, northern lights or other wintery themes)
      New beginnings (this one does have more of a chance to touch on holidays but the idea of putting the old to bed and looking forwards to the new is pretty universal and relatively unlikely to cause Issues)
      Winter/forest wildlife (Cardinals! Cedar Waxwings! Go full Winter Birds! Lots of fun bright colors)

        1. Nannerdoodle*

          Snow Birds! I know it’s a joke about all the people in northern states coming down south. You could have one about actual birds that stay up in the snow.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            Ooh, all the migratory birds that come south in winter could be a cool theme. Florida has some big & beautiful ones!

        2. Fine Corinthian Pleather*

          Maybe something quintessentialy Florida, like pink flamingos and gators in winter sweaters.

    5. Funko Pops Day*

      “Let it snow” with snowflakes/icicles/snowmen? Because start of winter? (Assuming you’re northern hemisphere and in a snow-possible place)

      If you’re warmer, the Rose Bowl is always on New Years Day and involves elaborate flower-covered floats, so maybe some kind of floral homage to that?

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      Something to represent indoor hobbies? Cooking/baking/world cuisines, books, games (could be board, video, or puzzles), arts (visual, music, drama)

      1. Heather*

        Ok, World Cuisine could work. It is somewhat in line with the global New Year and food makes most people feel “homey” but not “holiday”. Thanks!

      2. Pinta*

        I love the indoor hobby idea!

        As much as I love the other winter-themed ideas, sometimes the snowmen/polar bears/ice skaters feel very close to “Christmas.” Even though they are not! And they are charming! But if you’re really trying to go “nothing at all to do with holidays,” these might feel holiday-adjacent for some people because they are so common in holiday displays. So the indoor hobbies seems both fun AND different.

    7. Tech Industry Refugee*

      Ice-skating flamingoes, shark-as in park-as, manatee floating in a hot cocoa mug (happily), alligator with a scarf on (because cute).

      1. iglwif*

        This is probably a niche opinion but if somewhere I had occasion to visit had manatee-themed decor, I would be THRILLED.

    8. Nannerdoodle*

      Would general “Winter” be a good theme? Specifically snow and snowflakes and people ice skating/making snow men. Or Frozen (if no one hates the disney movie). There are also several winter sports that exist that play in the winter (hockey, basketball, football is still happening). If you live somewhere cold, your work could have a “Snow Birds” theme of all the tropical places you’d rather be. If you live somewhere warm, it could be a snow birds display of all the people who migrated to your area lol.

      Personally, I’d enjoy a display theme of how to drive safely in winter. But I live in a cold and snowy state.

    10. Little Miss Helpful*

      How about an idea, like generosity, caring, diversity, community, family, compassion? A lot of school supply stories have decorations on those kinds of themes.

  12. Young Millennial*

    For your average, American employer (so not a Target/Google and not a 5 person family business), what should a the holidays look like at work? I’m just curious what you think we should all expect from our workplaces. For example, are we done with Christmas parties ( or “Holiday” parties that just so happen to be in December and include pine trees and red and green decor)? Should companies still buy employee gifts? How much seasonal decorating is appropriate for communal spaces?

    1. spcepickle*

      I am going to sound grinchy – My answer is none. Unless your company has a stated Christian religious message I would stay out of Christmas, and any “holiday” party you throw in December will turn into Christmas.
      I think that individuals can do as they please, so decorate your cube with snowflakes, Stars of David, solstice decorations, Christmas trees, festivus poles, or nothing. But let each person decided how much they want to participate. Also make sure that you have a clear policy about what was okay and what was not. Can I put up an 8 ft tree that barley fits in my cube? What about a million lights or candles? What is your policy on religious messaging – is it constantly applied to all religions? How can you keep things low key, so people can bring some joy – without making it feel high pressure for those of us who have all kinds of issues with Christmas.

      There isn’t a gift out there that will make everyone happy – if you want to do end of the year bonus that would be fun but I would skip the stuff. And for the party – see the question up in the comments that asked to move it to January and all the positive feedback.

    2. Wilbur*

      Fortune 50 company, so not necessarily the average American employer. Holiday party is typically a happy hour at an Irish pub with heavy hors d’oeuvres, drinks on your own. No spouses invited. Someone might organize a secret santa, but participation is limited. There’s usually some kind of food drive. Sweets will start randomly appearing in the breakroom. Individuals may decorate their cubes. Leadership will start sending out end of year reflection emails (“2024 has been a great year for working safely, really proud of our strong commitment to our customer…”).

      Previous company was smaller and held a holiday party at one of the hotels with dinner, drinks, photobooth, and DJ/band. Usually some kind of theme but not holiday themed (One year was cowboy themed and had a mechanical bull). This was kind of an opportunity for supervisors/managers from around the company to get some face time with leadership. It ended up getting moved to January for cost reasons (cheaper rentals and easier to justify when the budget is full).

      I think an end of year party is nice. December can be slow and it’s nice to have an excuse to take a break and chat up coworkers.

      Gifts are tricky. I think most people would prefer cash, but there’s always a gap between what companies want to spend on gifts and what would be a meaningful cash gift. I think company swag is fine if employees can pick it from a webstore so they don’t end up with their 20th travel mug.

    3. Pay no attention...*

      End of the year free food, and then go home early if at all possible for business. Catered buffet lunch on-site during the work day in the largest space available — big conference room, warehouse, front reception, or lunchroom. No gifts, no decor, no singing or games. If there are shifts, each shift gets their own fresh buffet. I’ve never worked anyplace that gave end-of-year bonuses, but if they have one, then that’s celebration enough.

    4. Ann O'Nemity*

      In the last few years I’ve seen a big shift from Christmas to Holiday and now to End of Year parties. And a shift from red and green Christmas decor to more generic winter decor with lots of evergreens, pine cones, snowflakes, snow people, stars, and flameless candles. I think the Scandinavian-ish winter decor is cheerful at a time of year when we’re not getting a lot of sun, so I appreciate it.

      I also like it when my employer gives me free food and tells me to go home early.

    5. Anne Elliot*

      My old job (remote) ordered us gifts on Amazon. Some of the gifts were things I didn’t want, so I returned them for an Amazon gift card! I liked that because it was a way for the office to give a gift which feels more personalized than cash, but can be turned into cash by the employee if desired. But I think it only works if the company orders gifts shipped to the employee’s house, which might not be doable in many cases.

    6. Young Millennial*

      I guess my question was less about, what are people experiencing and more about, what standard should we realistically hold our workplaces to? I agree that in a perfect world, we would have left any references to Christmas behind but the reality is Christmas is an US banking holiday and, say, Diwali is not. So, in 2024 what is acceptable and realistic?

  13. KTbrd*

    Alison, I’m not sure whether this is totally in the spirit of what you’re planning for the article but I emailed last year (I think) with a “gift-down-not-up success story.” The short version is: Pre-COVID, our social committee put together a gift for our company president. it was a charitable donation in pres’s name to an organization relevant to our jobs (Think: Llama groomers donating to a Llama shelter). potentially noteworthy is that some of the committee members were also family of the president. During COVID we quietly let this drop. When we started bringing back in-person celebrations, the other pre-COVID committee member asked me if we should bring the gift back. (Family members were no longer at the company.) by this time I was an avid AAM reader and shared your advice that gifts flow down, not up. other committee member asked their boss for advice and it turns out president had always been VERY uncomfortable with the gift and was glad it went away during COVID. Now we just pass around a virtual card for folks to sign and deliver that to the president. President is grateful and employees don’t get asked for $. Of course, this depends on a boss being Extremely Reasonable, and we all know from this site that many aren’t.

  14. SBMitchell*

    How to handle office coverage when there’s more folks with kids/grandkids than folks without kids and how to handle equitably – the non-kids folks do have families, just not biological offspring. :-)

      1. No Tribble At All*

        The best way I’ve seen it done is:
        – offer holiday pay
        – ask for volunteers (my Hindu colleague was always happy to cover Christmas)
        – insist on a rotation — don’t always let the most senior people off

    2. Person from the Resume*

      You should not consider the existence of kids, grandkids at all when making this decision. Be unbiased

      Do ask for volunteers.

      Offer perks for working the holiday and the eve of the holiday like two days off for working one holiday.
      Consider a “you have to work Christmas or new years” policy if you can’t get volunteers and need that amount of coverage.
      Rotating policy each year. ie work Christmas this year, you’re not working it next year.

      1. Zahra*

        Unless someone really doesn’t care about Christmas but really wants to get New Year’s off. I’d work every Christmas, no problem, but New Year’s is our only family party and I really don’t want to miss it. I’d exchange my holiday with someone else if I had to.

      2. GammaGirl1908*

        Agreed. Make it desirable to work then, by offering overtime pay, bonuses, food, extra time off, and the like. Ask for volunteers, because some people would LOVE to work then. If you do have to assign hours, make sure it rotates year to year and holiday to holiday (and no, Thanksgiving is not comparable to, like, Arbor Day) . Accept that you might have a skeleton crew of, like, two or three when you usually have 10.

        But frankly, none of this has to do with your family size or status. Having or not having children doesn’t make you more entitled to time off.

    3. Strive to Excel*

      1. Are there any days when it just doesn’t make sense for the office to be open?
      2. Assuming you’re in the US, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are the Big Three for days off (in my experience). Depending on how many people you have/will need, try to make sure that no one is working all three and no one is working none.
      3. Get the schedules out as fast as possible. People are a lot less salty about having to change plans if they know two months ahead of time vs two days ahead of time.
      4. Don’t weight the schedule for people with/without kids. Shut down any pressuring of coworkers to change shifts under the guilt trip of “but my kids!”.
      5. Is there a way you can make holiday shifts more desirable? Holiday pay would be the best option, but in lieu of that, whatever you can do to make a bad shift better (order food, make sure that they have whatever authority they need, etc).

      1. SBMitchell*

        All very good replies! It was a general question and not so much me wanting it to be answered. At my place (state job – not closed on 12/24, just 12/25 and 1/1), we do have to put in a request around this time of year of when we want off for the holidays, and the same folks still seem to think it’s okay to keep asking 12/24-1/2 off, leaving less people available to maintain office coverage, and it seems to work itself out – I’ve requested Christmas Eve off or worked a 1/2 day that day depending on family plans…but then I’ve had to some years I’ve had to work the whole day and drive like a maniac to get to see my brother and nephew. I do like a lot of these suggestions!

    4. Percy Weasley*

      I appreciate you want to be fair, and I think the most equitable approach is to ask a slightly different question: How should employer handle office coverage during a time when many employees want to take time off? That’s it. Family type shouldn’t factor at all.

    5. Sharon*

      Set the desired outcome (i.e., at least one person from each team has to be here on X day) and try to let the employees sort it out amongst themselves. We’ve always done this on my 4-5 person team and it’s never really been an issue. But don’t tie it to kids/no kids! Holidays mean different things to different people. A single person may need to fly out of town or spend the holiday alone. Another person might be all familied-out and want take refuge in a quiet office day after Christmas. Some people don’t care about holidays or celebrate different ones than their colleagues.

    6. is.alpha*

      Use your words! Aka, ask for volunteers, and don’t assume. I just started a new job and moved 3000 miles to be closer to my (adult) child and family. Guess what? they are busy for Christmas, and I’d be happy to work that day. I’d be rather sad if you ‘gave’ me christmas off, but I had to work New Years (when the kid + fam will be around).

      1. MigraineMonth*

        Right! I’d be crushed to have to work the evening shift on Christmas Eve and happy to work the evening shift on Christmas Day (especially with food or monetary perks). Even among those who celebrate, we don’t all celebrate the same way.

      1. Hazel*

        I worked somewhere it was generally understood that people (especially managers, since there were few and we tried to always have one on) could take time before Xmas or before new year but not both. That worked ok with a bit of negotiating. It helped that some preferred new year (Scots for example).

    8. Irish Teacher.*

      I think a certain amount depends on what days the company is open and how much there is to cover. When I worked retail, we closed Christmas day, St. Stephen’s day (day after Christmas; Boxing day to the English!) and New Year’s day and pretty much everybody got either Christmas Eve or the day after St. Stephen’s day off as well. A lot of the parents were given Christmas Eve, as that involves a lot of planning for many parents, so the non-parents go the 27th off.

      I was going to say it gets trickier if you are a workplace that has to open the 25th as most Christians and cultural Christians will want that day off and you might be in an area where that is 90%+ of your workplace, but if the issue is mostly Christmas Eve, ensure the other people get either the day after Christmas and/or New Year’s Eve off.

      For a lot of people without kids, the 26th might be better for them than the 24th. If they are going to family for Christmas dinner and possibly staying the night, they may not want to go to work the next day. Or they may even find it difficult to get home for the next day if they have long journeys or want to drink.

      New Year’s Eve can be a big day for some people too.

    9. SpaceySteph*

      I worked for a 24/7 mandatory coverage job for 8 years. We had to have minimum 5 people available every day of the year. Around September mgmt would have people provide their rankings from 1 to 3, with 1 being most want to get off and 3 being least for the 3 major holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Then they would compile that and figure out who would fill the minimum coverage for each of those weeks.

      Most of the time these things work themselves out and an approximately equal number of people would prioritize each of the three and get their #1 and #2 off, working their third. In the event that this wasn’t possible, they did use seniority, but it came up so rarely that there wasn’t a lot of heartache around it. I personally preferred to work the Christmas overnight shift.

      I have kids, but don’t think its fair to prioritize parents always; almost everyone has someone they want to spend a holiday with. But you also have to do this early enough that people have time to make childcare arrangements (sign up for camps, spouse take off, import a grandparent, hire a sitter etc) for school breaks. For winter break, that time is now. If you celebrate American Thanksgiving, its already too late.

  15. I'll have the blue plate special, please.*

    1: Is it okay to give your colleagues holiday cards? Or to bring in treats for your department or overall office?

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I think it’s nice, but shouldn’t rise to “expected.”

      It’s fun to come in to work and see a little treat on your desk, as far as I’m concerned, but don’t want it to be anything expensive. I like to do a gifty thing that relates to the team as a whole but is less than a couple of bucks.

    2. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      My old office, at least when I started, loved cards. I do, too, so I happily gave them out.

      Current office doesn’t seem to be into it. For one thing, a lot of us are mostly remote, but even when we do see each other in December, it hasn’t been a thing. (My cards are now going to friends, a habit I picked up during the lockdown).

      Department treats, on the other hand, are happily consumed.

  16. desk platypus*

    December is obviously very busy for most work places and in my office it’s a mix of county wide, branch location, and then department celebrations that add up. A lot of this at the branch and department level is provided by staff labor and money for things like cookie exchanges, potlucks, hot chocolate bars, etc. Usually there’s 5-7 events in the first 3 weeks of December.

    But my issue is I have a December birthday. I’m totally fine with not having a spotlight on me in favor of the holidays because I don’t like celebrating my birthday at work anyways. Plus, there’s so much food/sweets happening in that month! But my department has 3 December birthdays so we’re celebrating them on one day so I can’t exactly say to just a birthday celebration entirely. Today the department party planner keeps hounding me about a dessert choice because we’re doing a dessert per birthday person. (I’ve heard rumor there might also be a birthday lunch potluck.) I’ve tried saying “I would rather not, December is very busy, with so many sweets, so I’ll defer to the other two” and in return I just get more dessert choice suggestions. I think it’s too late for this year, but for next year would it be weird to say, “Even if there are other December birthdays in the department I would rather not make choices for it, please leave me out in the future” ? Also yes I know it’s early November but the party planner lives for this sort of thing.

    1. Strive to Excel*

      Can you ask them for a birthday savoury instead?

      “No dessert for me, but I’d love mini-quiches!”

    2. hi*

      I don’t know if this would be weird to suggest, but instead of dessert can you ask for a fruit bowl or veggie tray; maybe even a charcuterie board. Something outside of sweets. I bet everyone would appreciate something different.

    3. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      So, is this about dessert for everyone to eat? So everyone gets 3 desserts? Or is this dessert only for you to eat? Either way, what happens if you flat-out tell that planner “No, thank you!” or “I really don’t care!” (In general, I think your given sentences are just too long.)

      1. desk platypus*

        Honestly, I should stick to blunter sentences.

        But further discussions have me thinking it’s each birthday person picking a dessert for the department to share. One already picked cookies and the other a bakery cake. For context, we’re a 10 person department and always have leftovers even for just one cake.

    4. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      **“I would rather not, December is very busy, with so many sweets, so I’ll defer to the other two” and in return I just get more dessert choice suggestions.**
      Um, GTF away from me??! /jk
      What more are you supposed to do other than say, no thank you? What is wrong with people? I thought I loved party planning. What I love about it is making someone happy and being proud of making someone happy. I’ve made people super happy by respecting their wish not to acknowledge the day. That gave me the same joy. This person likes party planning, not people planning.

    6. MigraineMonth*

      One option is to say, “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday at work.” You can do this even if there are other December birthdays being celebrated.

      If the party planner insists, “I said I don’t want to celebrate. Please respect my wishes and leave it alone.” Even if you don’t have a strong objection to having your birthday celebrated at work, there are people who do, and you’ll be doing them a favor to get the party planner accustomed to respecting boundaries.

  17. Meddle-curious*

    Holiday party and behavior. I have two colleagues who I suspect like each other. They are on different teams from each other but they share data between our teams. I’ve noticed them flirting and spending a lot of time together. I’m senior to them and one of them is in my team, but neither of them report to me.

    Our offsite holiday party is coming up, it’s employees only, and there will be alcohol. They are both in relationships as far as I know. Do I meddle and say something about appropriate party behavior?

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      Only if it’s a gentle reminder to EVERYONE that since it’s a work party, appropriate behavior is expected. Otherwise, stay out of it.

      1. Anon Attorney*

        Even that would come off as strange and curmudgeonly if OP is not part of the committee hosting the party and there have been no past issues.

    2. Anon Attorney*

      I am going to be honest – it would be exceedingly bad judgment to say or do anything about this. You’re talking about something that could be innocent behavior, and if it’s not, it’s still none of your business. What you’ve shared doesn’t lead to any inclination that there might be inappropriate behavior at the party, and again, if there is, it’s not your business to prevent.

    3. Angstrom*

      Is their behavior affecting work? Is it making others uncomfortable? If not, it’s not your place to intervene.
      A reminder to all that a holiday party is still a work event would be fine.

    4. GammaGirl1908*

      No. These are grown adults who know exactly what they are doing. It’s not like neither one of them has any idea what flirting is or that they have a significant other at home. If it’s not affecting their work, mind your own business and let them have their little office crush.

    5. Tech Industry Refugee*

      None of your business! If they do something inappropriate at the party, handle it then.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        This. You don’t need to worry about it unless they subject coworkers to overly sexual behavior at the party (in which case you should be prepared to send both home).

  18. Lorax*

    I’ve always wondered about the “holiday party” branding. I’ve worked for several organizations that have aimed to do non-denominational winter celebrations, with varying levels of success. On the one hand, there are the organizations that do a Christmas party (nativity and everything), and just call it a “holiday” party. On the other, there are organizations that try to strip out the religious context altogether. For example, my current organization hosts a “winter party” around the winter solstice with the idea that referencing an objective natural phenomenon (the amount of daylight) is better than referencing any of the religious holidays directly. (We’re an environmental nonprofit. Though we have heard feedback that a solstice party feels pretty pagan-y to some.) In the middle seem to be the organizations that try to celebrate all the religious holidays all at once. (Menorahs on Christmas trees! People referencing Kwanza without knowing when or what it is! How late is too late to loop in Diwali?) It seems like in spite of the challenges, people do appreciate a party during the darkest months of the year, but is there a right way (or at least a least-wrong way) to do this?

    1. Jen*

      We do ours in January now. We celebrate the accomplishments of the past year & look forward to exciting things in the new year. It is work-focused and celebratory and fun!

      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        That sounds like a great way to do it. The New Year is a great time!

        Simillarly we do our “end of the year” party around the 19th of December as I work at a university and that is when the semester ends. Sort of like we made it through fall. Then in may we have our annual retreat which is like “yay we made it through Spring too!”

    2. Anon Attorney*

      My old office had a “Year End” party and that always came off as… dull. The approach I prefer is definitely a New Year/Winter/Holiday party where the decorations are sparkly, silver, snowflake motifs, not any religious or holiday symbols. Something festive that just doesn’t get into it.

      As far as a wrong way to do it, as a Jewish person, I do think that the menorah-on-Chrismas tree and Star of David ornaments is definitely a wrong way to do it. I’m not talking about if you are in an interfaith family, but for the office to be like, see?? representation! It’s tone deaf to me.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        “No, it’s not Christmas Caroling, we sang ‘The Dreidel Song’ after ‘Silent Night’, ‘Oh Bethlehem’ and a half-hour portion of ‘The Messaiah’!” /s

        1. Anon Attorney*

          Yep! Not only is it belittling – like we gave you these scraps – but it fails to recognize that Judiasm is a distinct religion with different rituals that can’t just be combined with the dominant religion to show representation.

          1. Jessica*

            Also, a lot of those traditional Christmas songs are pretty offensive if they play them with the lyrics. I’m not going to “fall on my knees” before the dude in whose name my people have been persecuted and genocided. He’s not our king. He didn’t “ransom captive Israel.”

    3. mlem*

      Long, long ago, my team announced a Christmas party. I told my supervisor that, since I wasn’t Christian, I declined to attend. They wanted to cover business at the start, so — to their credit — they promptly rebranded it to an end-of-year party that did not focus on Christmas decorations nor have Christmas music.

      (A few folks wore Christmas sweaters or a Santa hat; that was fine.)

      This worked great until our group grew and combined with another and grew again. Now, suddenly, it’s back to a “holiday” party with Christmas music. If I complain, the most that will change is that That One Adam Sandler Hannukah Song will be added to the playlist.
      (I’m not Jewish.) This year adds a “holiday outfit” contest as well.

      Which means I won’t be attending. That’s fine; it’s gone from a potluck to catering as well, and I don’t eat indoors in public buildings since we’re still in a pandemic. But I would put up with the awkwardness of watching other people eat (and paying for the privilege of doing so, though I’d be allowed to build myself a go-plate from the spread) if the “holiday” branding weren’t so patently a euphemism for Christmas. As team-building, it … isn’t.

      I really, really appreciated when my smaller team cared enough to make me feel included by making it a year-end party. That felt good. This had me switching my in-office day so that, gee darn, I won’t be there the day of the team “holiday” party.

      1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        The irony of a bigger group being less inclusive. I think that 4 or 5 people would have a holiday themed event growing out of a lunchtime/water cooler conversation about December plans and “oh, we should do something here.” But once the group became big enough that it had a catering budget, it was no longer friendly workers having a private party. The company has a responsibility to make people feel welcome; this is making people feel othered.

  19. Pay no attention...*

    If you work for a very large org is it reasonable that you are expected to attend 3-4 different levels of holiday parties?
    1) Org-wide catered buffet lunch during the workday with hundreds of people and not enough actual seating so you might have to eat standing in a corner — but it’s really nice food and it’s somewhat important to be “seen”;
    2) Big Division your department is under with ~50 people potluck lunch during the work day;
    3) Department ~12 people at a restaurant lunch during the work day:
    4) Possibly various other departments that you work closely with inviting you to a break room coffee/dessert thing during the work day, and you want to be friendly …mostly.

    I haven’t even attended one of them yet, and I’m holiday-ed out just receiving the calendar invites. They’re during the work day so I can’t reasonably be like, “sorry, can’t, I’ve got a conflict with life-things going on.”

    Advice on how to navigate this?

    1. Lisa B*

      What level employee are you? The higher up in management/leadership you are, the more the optics matter for you to pop in at these types of things. The closer it is to your own team, the more you’re expected to go. For my example, I’m just below c-suite at my very large org. From your list: 1) I would probably pass on, unless it was very close by/convenient. 2) definitely attend, stay for about 1/2 – 2/3 of the event 3) most definitely attend, stay for full event 4) pop in to a few for 5 – 10 minutes to mingle and say hello from a networking/ relationship standpoint more than the coffee/desserts.

      1. Pay no attention...*

        I report to an Assistant VP, my boss reports to a Senior VP, who reports to the President, so on a chart I’m not very far removed from top level — there should be a Director between me and the AsstVP, but that position has been vacant (pretty much eliminated) for the last 4 years when my boss was made an AsstVP and they didn’t backfill.

        lol, I was hoping that someone would say I could go to the first one (covers it all) and skip all the others. I see my own team everyday so no need to make an appearance with them.

        1. Lisa B*

          I don’t think there’s any way you can get out of #3, regardless of your position! At least not without burning a little social capital, which you might be ok with. In your department of 12 it will really stand out if you don’t show up. You see them every day *in a work capacity* and this is supposed to be for fun – if you don’t go it’s kind of saying “I spend too much time with y’all as it is.” :)

  20. ODA*

    What are your thoughts on explicitly calling them End of Year parties (given when they tend to occur) versus holiday parties? Even if a business aims for generic holidays, those still seem to end up being Christmasy, and the mention of holidays at all is going to leave out some employees (looking at my old work “holiday” party attended by everyone but our JW coworker — it was obvious to everyone that they wouldn’t attend as soon as the boss called it a holiday party)

    1. Best Coke Ever*

      I don’t see why you can’t call them Holiday parties even if everyone doesn’t celebrate one of the holidays. The Xmas/Chanuakah/Kwanzaa/New Years holidays being all around the same time are the reason for the parties in the first place. Not that there should be anything religiously themed, but I don’t know that the name of the party necessarily matters

      1. mlem*

        I just commented slightly above on this. My team did end-of-year parties for a long time, and it was great; now they’re doing “holiday” parties at which the only holiday actually present is Christmas. Not even New Year’s! It’s deeply alienating.

      2. AnotherSarah*

        But this isn’t true–it’s about Christmas and maybe New Years, not Chanukah and certainly not Kwanzaa! Somehow this line of thinking feels worse than just calling it a Christmas party.

        1. Best Coke Ever*

          In the ones I’m thinking of it’s not really about any of the holidays – just a party that occurs in December. I agree that if the party was only Christmas themed then that’s shitty regardless of what they call it.

          1. AnotherSarah*

            Sure–but I was commenting more on the idea that the reason for the parties is the four holidays you mention…it’s definitely not! Even if there’s no holiday theme to the party, it’s still thrown because of Christmas and maybe New Years.

            1. Best Coke Ever*

              That’s true – I suppose i just prefer the December parties because I’m already in a festive mood, but I wouldn’t complain if it were some other time either

      3. But not the Hippopotamus*

        They seem to invariably become Christmas parties.

        I’ve been to “holiday” parties where the Big Boss shows up in a Christmas themed suit, all the decor is Christmas (trees, stockings, red and green), all the food is Chrismasy (egg nog, ornament shaped cookies) and people sing carols. Sure there were also a couple snowflakes for decorations, but it’s about as inclusive as a baptism.

        Mind, as a December birthday person who often has to attend these on my birthday, not be able to eat any food, and pretend to have fun while my introverted self would really rather just go work, I detest these more than honest Christmas parties.

      5. SpaceySteph*

        Honestly this is such a dominant religion kind of answer. To those of us who are minority religions it DOES matter. As mentioned in ODA’s post, Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate any holidays at all (including birthdays) so it significantly excludes them.

        But for the rest of us non-Christians in western countries, a lot of Christmas themed stuff is deemed secular and heaped onto these so called “holiday” parties. If your decor is “Santa with a token menorah/kinara in the corner” then you’re not throwing a holiday party, you’re throwing a Christmas party.

    2. Yecats*

      Personally, I hate calling it a “holiday party” since it always feels like an attempt to make a Christmas party more inclusive by stapling other holidays onto it. I’m Jewish and Hanukkah is a nice holiday but it’s but the most important one on the calendar, so I always find myself feeling resentful that “my” important holidays don’t get parties.

      2. iglwif*

        THIS. THANK YOU.

        Obviously “the war on Christmas” is made-up BS, but at the same time I would love for Christmas-celebrating people to stop trying to shoehorn everyone else’s holidays into alignment with Christmas.

        For example, there’s a Canadian Tire commercial (or there used to be) where one person asks another, “What is Santa bringing you for the holidays?” And every time I see it I yell at the TV, “IF YOU MEAN CHRISTMAS JUST SAY CHRISTMAS!”

        While it is of course the case that an end-of-year party in December or a new year party in January is based on the Christian calendar, both feel enormously more inclusive to me than the party equivalent of a Christmas tree with a few Chanukah and Diwali decorations stapled onto it.

    3. MsM*

      We get a week off at the end of the year (or at least most departments do), so it always just reads as “holiday” to me in the “vacation” sense of the word.

    4. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      I work in an incredibly diverse city. Old employer was “holiday.” New one is “end of the year.” The food includes some favourites usually associated with Christmas and lots of people like to wear ugly sweaters, but otherwise, it’s really just “festive.” And it’s basically a luncheon/afternoon thing followed by a “mix and mingle” where everyone gets a couple of drink tickets. We get the afternoon off, folks are home for dinner, there are door prizes, and the food is always outstanding.

    5. is.alpha*

      well, my new company charges money for tickets to the Christmas party. I can’t remember if it’s actually called a Christmas party or not. I haven’t enquired how much it is because it’s too much. Charging money will exclude some employees.
      But, rant aside, I’d suggest moving it to January and calling it a “start of fiscal year party”. Or April, if your fiscal year ends march 31.

  21. HailRobonia*

    My office has reinstated the holiday Yankee swap. Back when I had to organize the holiday event I managed to cancel the swap – I did a poll and only 2 of the 17 respondents wanted to do one.

    But now like a vampire it’s back from the dead. I am looking forward to the 30-minute long argument over rules that seems to happen every time we did the swap. At least this time I’m not in charge of it.

    I should just count myself lucky that it’s not a secret santa.

    1. anon for this*

      YES! be happy! It could be a LOT worse . . . Our company does both a secret santa AND a white elephant swap. the white elephant happens at the annual “holiday” lunch and it takes like an hour to do the 40-50 ppl and some of the staff gets falling down drunk. EVERY year at LUNCH. Also, my secret santa “forgot” to get a gift last year. So, the order of business is: we all gather for a speech and some handing out of who’s been here the longest prizes and several gag prizes (think: most potty mouth of the year, etc), and then the “family” holiday picture ( a serious one and then one where there’s something funny like they hand out masks or “holiday” light up necklaces, or tiaras). and then they pass out the secret santa gifts and everyone opens them and mills around chatting and admiring gifts. and then we all leave for the lunch which takes AT LEAST 2-3 hours with all the gifts and because it’s a large group thing. UGH it’s a LOT. And, it’s all the GMs idea because she loves xmas and it’s “tradition” (a good chunk of the company has been here 15+ years). we also have 3-4 trees in the office. and the one jewish employee once tried to bring all this up? . . . yeah, that didn’t go over well. she was basically accused of trying to ruin it for everyone else. I mean, we call it a “holiday” party so what else do you want? Let’s just say DEI isn’t a thing in this office . . .

      to be 100% fair, staff doesn’t have to being a gift for the white elephant, because the GM does that ALL ON HER OWN. Yes, gifts for 40-50ppl, gag gifts, thrift store items, and other small stuff she saves all year long. Seriously, I’d rather bring a funky & interesting white elephant than try to figure out a gift for random co-worker I don’t know well (which is why we typically just trade gift cards — and the limit is $50!!!). crazy!

    2. mlem*

      Can you opt out? My team has always done a swap, but they’ve always let people choose to opt in or out, and only about half of the team actually participates.

  22. Best Coke Ever*

    General comment – I think gifts not flowing up is great as an overall guideline, but if your office is doing a secret santa or something like that, a $5 starbucks gift card to the boss isn’t out of line.

    Same as if I bring in cookies or something for the office – I don’t refuse to give any to the boss, they are welcome to take some as is any employee

    1. Person from the Resume*

      I think Secret Santa is fair because if it’s done right and fair (with an expected $$$ amount), every participant gets a gift of about equal value.

      It should also always be voluntary.

      ** Maybe I’m a Grinch, but I am taking great joy in not having to buy a gift any gifts this year. It’s a present for me. I expect no gifts in return but I am no longer bothered by this. (I was bothered when I was younger.)

    2. Pay no attention...*

      I agree with you. In a very hierarchical org I wouldn’t want to “gift up” but in my experience, my boss has always been part of my team, not removed from it, and it would feel so odd to leave them out of activities like a token gift exchange — if we were to have one — but I also don’t expect a gift “down” from them either.

      1. Former Gremlin Herder*

        I agree with you about when the boss feels like a part of the team! I wouldn’t get, say, our department head a gift, but my immediate supervisor whom I work with every day, I do get something. I keep it small, but it feels right to get something for her given our working relationship.

  23. Off Plumb*

    How churlish is too churlish when it comes to exempting oneself from Christmas stuff? Last year’s holiday gathering involved a game where we were all Santa’s elves (we didn’t have to actually do anything, it was just the framing device). I didn’t vocally object but I was annoyed, and I might have said something if anyone had called out my complete lack of participation. But I suspect that the people who aren’t aware of what it’s like to be on the outside of cultural Christianity (i.e. most people) would be shocked to hear this was anything other than a cute game.

    (For context, this is a government job, so our holiday thing was a few hours in the middle of a work day, in a large conference room, with activities arranged by relentlessly cheerful colleagues who almost certainly have no training in DEI or cultural competency.)

  24. too many dogs*

    We are a smallish office. Our Secret Santa events used to cause a little stress: cost, will this person like this, all of those things. A few years ago, we switched to Secret Sock Santa, and it’s been wonderful. Draw the name of your person, and get them a pair of fun socks. Silly socks. That’s it. Everybody has a Christmas stocking at their desk; just put the socks in it. They don’t have a stocking? Small gift bag. Done. Don’t know her that well, but know she has cats? Cat socks. Then there’s Star Wars socks, pizza socks flamingo socks. They don’t have to be expensive, so it works with everybody’s budget. Hope this helps.

  25. Retired Lady*

    I worked in retail all my life, in department stores that had all the usual variety of merchandise. Clothes, small appliances and electronics, cosmetics, household supplies, etc., so most of what we carried was something that could be used as a gift. We always got some kind of discount, plus first crack at sale prices. So when there’s a dollar limit or range given to spend, how do you determine whether what you bought fits in the range? If the limit is $30, and I bought a $75 item at 50% off plus my store discount, that could be below $30, but it would look like I exceeded the limit. I’ve always wondered about this, for personal/family gift giving too. Retired now, miss that store discount…

    1. Zahra*

      I usually go with “Could someone believe, at a first glance, that this gift is *worth* 30$?” Afterall, you could go to a garage sale and pay (hypothetically) 5$ for a priceless item. If it was a gift exchange at work with other colleagues that have access to the same sales and discounts, I’d say to go ahead and buy the 75$ item at 50% off and then readjust depending on what other people seem to do (MSRP or amount paid).

    2. Sharon*

      Align the “perceived value” of the gift with the official limit, ignoring what you paid. So if the limit is $30, give an item that would typically go for $20-30 in a store. Don’t give a high-value gift like Taylor Swift tickets even if you got them for free, and don’t give a thing the average garage sale customer wouldn’t pay $1 for, even if the retail price is $30+.

    3. Nesprin*

      Say if someone brings in an item that’s >2x the budget, it makes the exchanges feel uneven and makes people get competitive. I brought to a 20$ white elephant a fancy jar of perfume someone gave me once (because I’m comically allergic) and there was lots of weirdness involved.

      If you get 50+% off, I’d suggest staying to ~50 list max.

    4. Synaptically Unique*

      While I think that would be a bigger deal in a secret Santa context, for a white elephant exchange, we always expect some people will end up with junk and some people will end up with really nice/cool/higher-end gifts.

  26. Anon for this*

    What do you think of an employer charging its employees to attend a “Christmas Party Lunch”? Previously, the lunch was a gift by the more senior officials. Last year they decided to charge each employee $10 to cover the cost of catering. This year it’s $20. The lunch is optional, but it helps build capital to go. I didn’t fuss about it last year because a donation paid the way of my entire department, but it feels really icky to me to charge for this.

    1. is.alpha*

      I’ve commented above – my new employer charges for the Christmas party. I plan on not going. I don’t know if yours is catered on-site or not, and that makes a difference. I think if they haven’t set aside enough money (or it’s been a bad year) to fully cover lunch, they should have cookies and punch, and whatever speeches, and an hour to wander around and chat to people. I’ve been at companies having a bad year that did pot-luck – that was fine.

    2. Nesprin*

      My thought is that if enough people don’t go, or complain to whoever planned the thing, they’ll change the setup.

    3. WFH4VR*

      I would have an absolutely vital doctor’s appointment three cities away, followed by a root canal.

    4. Wolf*

      My department tried to run a BBQ party. It was 35€ per person, and on a friday evening in another village with no bus connection. More than half of us went “Nah, that’s a week worth of groceries, and a hassle to get there and back” and didn’t attend.

    5. Irish Teacher.*

      In my field in Ireland, it is the norm for everybody to pay for the Christmas party. I think a certain amount depends on how the lunch is structured. If it’s a case of work finishes at 12pm and then whoever wants to goes out to a local restaurant or pub for a few hours and chills out, it doesn’t strike me as unreasonable to expect people to pay to do that.

      On the other hand, if this is more a catered lunch on site with speeches from management or other activities organised or if there are subtle hints that this is part of “team-building” or that it “looks good for promotion,” then charging comes a little closer to “charging for something that is part of your job.”

    6. SpaceySteph*

      As a government employee in the US, our party has never been free. Its usually either at a restaurant (come if you want, pay for what you order) or potluck.

      My old department used to have a fairly expensive evening party and they stopped it because nobody was going. Go figure nobody wants to spend $30 and a few hours of their personal time hanging with coworkers. Lunches are more popular.

      I think as long as its optional, its ok to do whatever they want/can afford, but for you the jarring part is probably that it used to be covered and now its not.

  27. Clockwork*

    What’s a good way to respond for when your coworker is very conspicuously shadowboxing in the War On Christmas? I’m talking – I swear to god I’m not making this up – “wishes people a Merry Christmas on the phone and then, after she hangs up, spends several minutes loudly congratulating herself for being such a daring iconoclast.” She’s done this several times around me and I just. What the hell do you say to that?

    1. iglwif*

      I think I personally would go for the blank stare that says “I am embarrassed on your behalf.”

      But I have no idea whether that is actually a useful approach.

  29. AnotherSarah*

    I’m going to post something directly related to Clockwork’s question, above, but from a different perspective: I don’t celebrate Christmas, and I HATE “happy holidays” because it clearly means Christmas (and New Years…but my New Year starts in the fall!). Not everyone has a December holiday, and many holidays in December are just not a big deal in those religions/cultures. I much prefer a “Merry Christmas,” because it’s honest, and will tell the person who wishes me that “same to you!”

    My question is that since this preference seems to be really really uncommon in my workplace (a place that believes itself to be very DEI-focused…), is there any way to raise it? It’s not about individuals wishing me a happy whatever, but more on the institutional messaging. Can we just say “enjoy the break/time off/etc.” since everyone does get a chunk of time off?

    1. But not the Hippopotamus*

      I’m with you on this, but have zero advice.

      I’ve resorted to wishing people a happy day of the week. Nobody has yet argued with Happy Tuesday. Monday maybe :)

  30. RHinCT*

    The most valuable word in such situations is a simple No. Preferably unadorned, and without elaboration.

  31. Former Gremlin Herder*

    I’m a little embarrassed to have to ask this as a mid-level professional, but better late than never. Last year, our team did end up doing an informal gift exchange (i.e., not like a big organized thing, but the three core members of the team all got each other something.) I also got something for our two part-time, temporary team members, both of whom had started more recently. One of the employees seemed a little weirded out by the gift, and he told me shortly afterward that he’s Jewish, and my read on his reaction is that he was uncomfortable getting the gift. The gift and card weren’t Christmas themed but given where we live and the overarching cultural associations, it did very much read as a Christmas gift. Is the right etiquette to avoid giving gifts around the holidays to those you know don’t celebrate Christmas? I absolutely don’t want to shoehorn someone into a holiday that they don’t celebrate or erase other religious traditions, but I’m also wary of excluding people. Any advice is appreciated!

    1. AnotherSarah*

      I feel like the answer to this might lie in some of the comments about party timing–it’s a Christmas party (even if it’s a “holiday” party that “happens” to fall right near Christmas), so gifts are Christmas presents, even if there’s no real theme going on in the party. I think there’s no way to frame a gift given at a Christmas party otherwise.

    2. Maotseduck*

      I’m also Jewish and would hate to be left out because I don’t celebrate. I think this is going to vary by person and is a hard one to win.

      1. amoeba*

        Yeah, this. My employee is Muslim and she and her family/friends even give small advent/Christmas gifts to each other, even though they don’t celebrate the holiday at all! She was also quite excited about having a Christmas party (which then never happened because of first COVID, then cost-cutting, but that’s a different story), so leaving her out would land very badly, for sure. The other way around, if I were staying in a Muslim country, I’d be pretty upset to be excluded from something like that for Eid or whatever.

        (But then I’m in Europe and I think we’ve all noticed that things are very different here…)

      2. SpaceySteph*

        Yeah as another Jew, I agree. A truly secular card/gift given as an “end of year” present is still probably going to make someone uncomfortable, but is less of a faux pas than leaving out all the non-Christians.

        Its worthwhile to interrogate whether it truly was a secular card/gift though. It doesn’t have to have baby Jesus on it to be considered Christmassy. If it has penguins in Santa hats, you’re kinda borderline (Santa is *not* a secular character); if it says “PEACE ON EARTH”… that’s actually Christmas card.

    3. I Have RBF*

      I am Pagan, so I celebrate Yule (Winter Solstice). Yule has gift giving involved, but can also be 100% secular if it’s just the Solstice (Axial tilt is the reason for the season.)

      I am kind of “meh” on December holiday giving, because so many people just lump it in with Xmas. Yule gifts are small, not the big, showy Xmas stuff, but small and often hand made in my tradition.

      For me, small gifts for Yule/Solstice is my way of saying “Thanks for being there this past year, may your coming year be joyous.” Does this get swamped by the Xmas stuff? Yes, but I still do it. Then again, a seasonal gift does not imply religious conviction to me. I get a little irked by the omnipresent Xmas stuff, but it’s not a thing I can change.

  32. testarossa*

    I’m curious if any other self-employed folks do anything for themselves around the holidays (or if Alison or other readers have any other kind of self-employed “employee recognition” ideas). I know there’s not that much difference between taking myself out for a “work holiday lunch” and just buying myself a good lunch, but sometimes I feel a bit sad about missing this aspect of office camaraderie.

    1. Fiorinda*

      Do you belong to any professional organisations that might do something along those lines? One that I’m a member of hosts an end-of-year picnic and an end-of-year meet-up for a meal and drinks, so that self-employed members can have a social occasion of their preferred type with colleagues.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, this. I’m a member of my professional organization and the Little Christmas (intellectually more honest to call it like it is!) events are usually very popular among the freelancers in my profession. I haven’t attended every year, but I enjoy them when I do go. They’re always held in a restaurant with good access to public transit, so I can leave when I need to.

        I have so many negative memories from my employer’s end of year events that I no longer go. Nothing truly bad, but I’m an introverted 50+ early bird and I want to be able to choose the time to leave a party, not be stuck in either a cruise ship or an otherwise remote location where you need to either grab a cab/Uber at your own expense or wait until the chartered bus is ready to leave.

        I don’t drink much, a maximum of 2 or 3 glasses during an event lasting 6 hours or more, but I absolutely cannot tolerate the company of people who are even slightly drunk when I don’t have the option of drinking, so I also don’t go if I can’t drink for any reason. I also hate driving in the dark and/or when I’m tired, so even if I didn’t hate being sober when nearly everyone else’s drinking, I still wouldn’t want to drive.

  33. Physics Lab Tech*

    I can’t drink anymore for medical reasons, any pithy lines for when people ask? It’s already come up with a few colleagues, but I’ll be interacting with a lot more people who I don’t know — therefore I’d love some short one-offs.

    2. Picky*

      Alcohol isn’t my thing/I don’t drink. (Why?) I just don’t.

      Anybody comes back with something inappropriate: frown, make eye contact, and say nothing

    3. Anne Elliot*

      “Oh, I’m good, but thanks!” when someone offers you a drink

      If they ask why you don’t drink, I love the classic Alison suggestion of “My goodness, what a personal question! [topic change]”

    5. Angstrom*

      I often just tell the truth in a no-big-deal tone: “It messes up my sleep”(plenty of evidence for that) or “It’s a long drive home” or “I’ve got plans for early tomorrow”.

    6. Friendly Office Bisexual*

      I just say “eh, I’m just not a big drinker.” Always said in a casual tone, sometimes with a shrug. Usually people don’t push, but if they do I say “it doesn’t affect my body the same way anymore / I don’t tolerate it as well as I used to.”

      1. Friendly Office Bisexual*

        I will add though that you really don’t have to give a reason. It’s perfectly fine to keep giving variants of “it’s just not my thing” and if someone’s being really pushy, you can crack a joke – “Man, I didn’t realize you were so invested in me not drinking!”

        Because they’re being the weird one, not you.

  34. Anon for this one*

    I started as very junior support staff in my office. I ended up being the most senior person remaining when our staffing went from 4 to 2 in a short span. With the full support of my remaining coworker, I was suddenly the boss. I was a struggling single mom, she was an older lady from a wealthy family who was working as much to keep busy as anything else. Our relationship remained more like work friends with gifts in both directions at Christmas and birthdays. Several years later we finally added another staff member to the mix. I didn’t really think about it until Christmas was closer and tried to talk about the gifting, but she said she’d already gotten my present (it was a monogrammed tote bag – not something that could be easily repurposed) and had gotten one for the new employee as well. I talked to the new employee about it. She loved Christmas and giving and receiving presents and also didn’t want to back down from a mutual gift exchange. So, fine. I realized I wasn’t going to get anywhere with that and backed down. As my income rose, I mostly just made sure that I gave them really nice gifts while insisting that they not spend very much. My backing down, however, has ensured that this is an office culture situation at this point and I’m not sure how to change it. I now have 3 staff members (my original coworker retired a few years ago) and the idea of them, especially my most junior person (and my only underpaid person – battling that part with HR), buying gifts for everyone (especially me) makes me feel a little sick. How do I move the dial on this without being seen as a downer in general?

    1. Picky*

      Years ago I joined an office where gift-giving had ramped up to a toxic level. Think part-time student employees being pressured to contribute for gifts for someone earning ten times more than them. So my first year there I instituted a new tradition: we all filled out a ballot with our name and the name of our favourite charity, and put $0-$10 (anonymously) in an envelope. The day before the holiday break, we drew a ballot. We donated all the money to that charity and the person who’s charity was chosen got the tax receipt. I specifically framed this as being *instead of* the existing gift exchange so that “everyone can spend more time and money on their family” and still enjoy a meaningful holiday at work. One person complained because they “just liked getting gifts” but I think everyone else was relieved.

  35. I only want everything*

    Is it possible to change a gift for the boss culture that has existed for at least 7 years? I’m part of a team of 4 plus our boss. Each year for at least 7 years we’ve pooled our money and bought our boss a Christmas present. It started as each person giving what they wanted to however morphed into one team member picking a gift and telling the rest of us how much we owed. I don’t remember the exact amount however it was over $25 each. Last year they were talking about doing the same gift (it’s consumable) and I suggested an alternative that only cost each person about $12. In addition to becoming an avid AAM reader over the past year and thus now understanding that gifts should not flow up, my finances are really tight this year. Lastly, one of my coworkers is the golden child and team suck up so I suspect that this person would still want to do a gift for the boss. Is there any way to end this gift giving thing? If not, any ideas on how to make this more palatable for me?

  36. KatherineJ*

    What can you say to supervisors and managers who make negative comments about coworkers, who are subordinate to them, that choose not to attend the holiday party? I have a coworker who doesn’t enjoy these situations and at last year’s holiday party our manager and supervisor made disparaging comments about them choosing not to attend. I did stand up for my coworkers but is there something I can say to just shut it down (because really people in a management position shouldn’t be making comments on staff choosing not to attend events during their personal time).

    1. allathian*

      That’s a tough one, and if you’re their subordinate I’m not sure how much you can say without risking consequences to yourself.

    2. Wolf*

      If they made comments about me, I’d probably try to ignore it, hoping they realize that nobody wants to hear them complain about such things.

  37. Caleb (he/they)*

    I know that the general rule of thumb is to not talk about religion at work, but is talking about religion in response to someone asking about your holiday plans okay? I’m part of a minority religion (Paganism), and I work at a company where questions like “What are your plans for Christmas?” or “Did you have a nice Christmas?” are common. Is it okay for me to say something like “I don’t actually celebrate Christmas, but I had a lovely Yule ritual!”, or is that inappropriate?

    It seems like it should be a fine response, since anyone asking me what I did for Christmas is inherently asking a question *about* religion… but many of my coworkers are the type who view Christmas as a “secular” holiday, and when I use a response like that, I always feel like they think I’m the weird one who’s bringing up religion out of nowhere.

    1. allathian*

      Religion is usually considered a no-no subject at work because it veers so easily into proselytizing. I think something like “I don’t actually celebrate Christmas but I had a lovely Yule ritual” would be fine. If they take umbrage at that, it’s their problem, not yours. You can probably lower the risk of that happening if you ask about their celebrations.

      I’m not a believer even if I’m culturally Lutheran. There’s been no explicitly religious content in our Christmas celebrations since I was a teenager, when going to church with my gran was a thing we did. After the adults in my family stopped exchanging Christmas presents (picked from wish lists) about 8 years ago, Christmas has become a reason for our family to celebrate something during the darkest part of the year and to eat too much good food and hang out with our extended family. But I wouldn’t call it a secular celebration from the point of view of someone who is religious and follows their own faith traditions but who isn’t Christian.

      Interestingly enough, when the Nordic countries were (more or less forcibly) converted into Christianity, they not only co-opted the date of a major pre-Christian holiday, but also it’s name. In Swedish and Danish, Christmas is called Jul (pronounced with a soft j, as in Yule), in Norwegian it’s Jól. The Finnish “Joulu” derives from the same word.

    2. amoeba*

      I think this is definitely fine in most workplaces – unless you are unlucky enough to have super bigoted coworkers who’d go off on a rant at it. Which wouldn’t make it inappropriate on your end, just something you would possibly choose to avoid!

      But in general, talking about holidays you celebrate etc. is not what’s meant by the “don’t talk religion” rule, just as mentioning you attended a church party when talking about your weekend or telling people you’re fasting for Ramadan. Those are all fine and just… you talking about your life.

    3. Wolf*

      Personally, I’d just say “Oh, I’m excited for our Yule celebrations!” and skip any mention of what you’re NOT doing.

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I think that’s fine. I think there are two forms of “talking about religion,” (one of which, honestly, is often only seen as really “talking about religion” when the religion is a minority one) and this falls into the one that I don’t think the prohibition is meant to be about.

      There’s talking theology/religious beliefs and that is generally better avoided. Nothing good comes from talking about “I believe X is a sin” or “I don’t believe any gods exist and see it as superstition” and while those are…well, phrased specifically in a way that is likely to give offence, even stuff like “I don’t believe in any gods” or “I believe God exists and loves us all” can get into difficult territory.

      On the other hand, “I am looking forward to celebrating Christmas/Yule/any other religious celebration” or “I need a day off for my kid’s confirmation” or stuff like that strikes me as fine. That’s not really talking about the religious beliefs; it’s just mentioning something from your life.

  38. Snubble*

    Is it really normal in the US for the company to cover the full expense of Christmas meals and parties? In the UK it’s always been at my own expense. I’ve had one employer organise a company-wide event and subsidise it, and the rest have all been organised at the departmental level with at most a ten pound reimbursement. Mostly it’s been entirely down to departments whether to organise and pay for a Christmas party for ourselves.
    I’m not upset about that, to be clear. I just feel like I see a lot of expectation on here that companies will cover expenses – holiday parties, team meals, catering for meetings – that none of my employers would ordinarily consider.

    1. Friendly Office Bisexual*

      When I worked in local town government, employees would pool money to cover the costs of food. We usually did it by department. (I think it wouldn’t fly to have taxpayer money cover the Christmas party.)

      And when I worked at a non-profit hospital, it was the section chiefs who covered it.

      I think it might be more common for private sector companies to cover the expense, as opposed to non-profits and public sector work.

  39. Lucky*

    I would love to have a thread for suggestions of small gifts that work for all/most in a work team/dept. – something other than chocolate or wine. (For background, I’m part of a team of 12, I add a gift card for my 2 direct reports.)

    Gifts that have worked for me in the past:
    Fidget toys
    Succulents in small pots
    International treats from Cost Plus World Market

  40. SpaceySteph*

    My office is doing a Thanksgiving potluck. The staff is to bring side or dessert, and management is providing the mains… and what they’re providing is baked ham and pulled pork.

    I don’t eat pork for religious reason and I’m honestly a little miffed that they picked TWO pork products. Would it be so hard to pick one pork and one not-pork main? But they’re providing it out of their own pocket (we are government and don’t have a budget for this sort of thing) so that has me hesitating. I can’t figure out if it would be appropriate at any point to express that picking 2 pork mains is unnecessarily (and probably unintentionally) exclusionary? Does management have a responsibility to try to be more inclusive even when its with their own money?

    1. Jaunty Banana Hat I*

      It probably is worth it to flag that not everyone can eat pork! Maybe they could do pulled chicken instead of pulled pork?

    2. iglwif*

      I think it’s definitely worth flagging that!

      Not only do many people not eat pork for religious and/or dietary reasons, but there are lots of people who just … don’t like it? And it seems like an odd choice to say, “OK, we’re going to have two main dishes for variety, but! not only will they both be meat, we’ll also make them both the same meat! What could go wrong?”

      So I bet a lot of people would appreciate someone flagging this.

    3. SpaceySteph*

      As it happens, this resolved itself (or someone else spoke up, or maybe my management reads AAM) because the updated flyer circulated yesterday says ham and turkey.

  41. PunkAssBookJockey*

    Last year, while working in a small, rural library, I was asked by the director to decorate both the library lobby and community room for Christmas. I did it with the best attitude I could muster because this was not the type of workplace where you could say no to the boss, but I had reservations for a couple of reasons – 1. Libraries are supposed to be inclusive spaces, and I felt that by going over the top with Christmas decorations, we were excluding certain members of our community and 2. I am not Christian. I do not celebrate Christmas. I had never even decorated a Christmas tree before. When I disclosed this to the director, her response was “well you’re smart, you’ll figure it out,” and then, instead of helping, she proceeded to follow behind me and criticize my Christmas tree decorating skills (how was I supposed to know that one does not simply wrap the lights around the tree, one must tuck them into the branches!) How could I have better handled this situation at the time? Is there a way I could have advocated for both our non-Christmas celebrating community members and myself without invoking the wrath of a director who was not sympathetic to anyone who challenged her?

  42. Midwest Manager*

    As a manager, how/when do I tell my direct reports that I do not want them to gift my anything at the holidays? I firmly believe in the “don’t gift up” theory, but I have had direct reports buy me presents (which I decline as gracefully as possible but it can still create awkwardness in previously smooth relationships) or even things like cookies, puppy chow, etc. I’ve tried bringing it up as part of orientation (which seems….both presumptuous and like it pulls focus from other topics that are much more central ot their jobs) and I’ve tried sending a cheery, very neutral email around December 1, “just a reminder, you should not spend your money getting a gift for me” which also seems awkward. I did think (only after I left the management role, unfortunately) that instead of being part of my verbal onboarding, I could create a brief onboarding document, that included things like my cell number, my expectations for how illness call outs are handled, how/when to make vacation requests, and that it might naturally fit in there without feeling quite so “I KNOW I’m so fabulous you’ll clearly want to buy me a gift, but please don’t.” Any thoughts on best practices?

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