telling an employee his pants are too revealing, unannounced video calls, and more

by Alison Green on November 8, 2024

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. How to tell an employee his pants are too revealing

I need some guidance! We have a new high school teacher who wears pants that show the imprint of his penis. Several students have gone to the principal to share this information. We recently had to remove a picture from our school’s Instagram page because after someone pointed it out, it was obviously very visible.

We’re planning to have a conversation with him to tell him that he hasn’t violated the dress code policy but we do need to bring it to his attention and suggest that he wear a different fit (loose), pants made with a heavier fabric and less stretch or maybe darker colored pants.

It’s refreshing to get a letter where this issue is about a man’s body rather than a woman’s! I don’t know that you’d need to address this in most workplaces, but in a high school? Yeah.

I’ve never contemplated what I’d say in this situation before! My best stab at it is: “I’m sure you don’t realize this is the case, but a lot of your pants are too revealing for our environment and a couple of students have mentioned it. I think you can solve it with looser clothing, or at the very least heavier fabrics or darker colors.”

I’ve gone back and forth on whether you should include that some students mentioned it. On one hand, how mortifying! On the other hand, if you don’t mention that, you risk him thinking you’re making a big deal out of nothing.

2. Do I have to answer unannounced video calls?

I am an in-house database developer. My company handles a lot of communication via Microsoft Teams. I’ve noticed it’s extremely common for most people, including executives, to shoot a message of “got time for a call?” before initiating a call, which is awesome!

My tasks in a day run pretty much the gamut — primarily development projects, but also documentation, support, querying data, data migrations, collaborating with users, etc. I pride myself on being very responsive. That being said, there are a handful of coworkers who will randomly initiate video calls, and I find it really frustrating when I’m trying to troubleshoot a tricky issue, on a roll with a development project, or working on a time-sensitive report for management. I’ve found that sometimes is takes a couple minutes to effectively transition between tasks, like to save what I was working on or find a good breaking point if I am working on a migration. Also, most questions I receive are easier to answer if I have a little context ahead of time and do a little research if necessary.

If I’m not at an ideal spot to take an impromptu Teams call, I don’t take it, but I do follow up quickly. I will take it if it’s management, but seriously management always reaches out before calling. I would say 9/10 users will reach out first, so it feels like very much “company culture” to do so.

Part of me feels like my aversion to unannounced video calls is an irrational pet peeve. The other part of me, though, feels like my time is most effectively managed when I’m not dropping everything at the drop of a hat with zero information. Is there an appropriate, more direct way to deal with the issue? Or should I just keep doing what I’m doing — that is, ignore it and follow up within 10 minutes after I’ve hit an appropriate break point? Or am I being a little petty?

These are never critical issues, and are often random data requests. I have also noticed a very high correlation between unannounced-video-call-initiaters and misusers-of-high-importance-email-and-read-receipt-settings.

What you’re doing is perfect. It wouldn’t be if you were in a job that required a different kind of availability, but for many/most office jobs it makes sense and is what most efficient people do.

You need to manage your time in a way that makes sense for the work, which in many jobs means focusing rather than stopping whatever you’re doing every time your phone rings (or someone stops by or an IM pops up or so forth). In fact, if I managed someone who stopped deep-focus work every time a new message popped up on their screen, I’d talk to them about ways to focus better (assuming I saw it reflected in their work or stress level, which is likely). This isn’t that different.

Also, this is true of all calls, not just videos calls. The unannounced video makes it worse because you might not be in a place or condition to spontaneously appear on video, but my advice would be the same if they were non-video calls too.

3. Senior managers who try to commiserate over current events

My great-grandboss wandered around our academic (major research institution) workplace looking to commiserate and, presumably, console staff (whom they barely know) after the election. Pretty much the same thing happened after the October 7, 2023 attack. What the hell is this?

They didn’t send out a carefully worded message that said, “We know that nerves are raw and emotions may be high due to current events. Please remember to be patient with your coworkers and seek out help if you need it (link to EAP).”

No.

They seemed to be looking for co-mourners or something. I’m of the opinion that they aren’t my parent, friend, or therapist and they should not be doing this. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are the same as yours. It’s inappropriate and likely unwelcome to many people. Managers are uniquely positioned to help people during stressful outside events — by sending out the sort of message you described, adjusting workloads, or encouraging people to take time off if needed — and they should stick to those things, rather than (a) attempting to fulfill their own emotional needs through employees or (b) assuming some sort of pastoral role that isn’t appropriate and which no one wants them to take (not to mention the assumption that every they encounter shares their political views).

4. Former employee’s new company is still using his old email address — should I tell them?

We had a long-standing employee resign to work for a competitor. He left his replacement a mess to fix and we spent weeks fixing his mistakes. Upon his leaving, I notified our vendors that he’d left and changed all passwords to ensure he didn’t try to keep using our systems. The new company he went to placed orders with us and he was their old rep.

I gave his replacement access to his old email, as per company policy. We wait to delete the old email for about a month or two.

His replacement informed me that his new company is still sending messages to him at his old employee email, so we are getting included in all of their emails about projects and clients. I am unsure if this is because they have yet to issue him a new email or if it’s because they are so used to autofilling his old email. Should I tell the new company he’s working with that they are sending emails to wrong place or let them reap the consequences of not issuing their new employee a new email address?

You’d think someone over there would figure it out when their new hire isn’t receiving/responding to any of their messages!

I don’t think you have any absolute obligation to inform them, but it would be a professional courtesy to do it — and doubly so since it sounds like this new company is a client of yours (although also a competitor?). You’re understandably annoyed that your old employee left a mess you had to clean up, but it would be fairly petty to let that be the reason you stay quiet. I’m feeling a bit scorched earth myself lately so I understand the impulse, but you’re nearly always better off taking the high road.

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{ 48 comments }

{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Lorna*

    Letter #1

    “…making a big deal out of nothing.”

    Am I childish? Absolutely! Am I howling with laughter? Absolutely!

    Sorry, I’ll see myself out. ;)

    Reply ↓
    1. Cmdrshprd*

      It needs to be addressed asap or else the problem will keep growing…..As in more and more kids will be subjected to it.

      Reply ↓
        2. len*

          Of course, but… I don’t actually see what the penis joke is in that wording. Just the word “big”? The word “nothing”?
          Glad others are tickled.

          Reply ↓
          1. Allonge*

            A combination of the fact that penises have a possibility to grow (in erection), so get ‘big’ out of ‘nothing’ and just plain referring to a penis, or a penis as nothing or big, all of which tends to be part of jokes. Not necessarily ha-ha funny jokes, but frequent jokes.

            Reply ↓
    4. Allonge*

      ‘Sensible chuckle’.

      Seriously though, LW1, say something to the guy. He is new, you got complaints, now is the time to do it.

      Reply ↓
    1. Bilateralrope*

      I’d start with telling him that students have mentioned it. His reaction to that will tell the LW a lot about him.

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        Yes, absolutely. If he’s doing it on purpose in an attempt to titillate his students, he has no business being a teacher.

        Obviously it’s entirely possible that he’s as innocent as driven snow and that this qualifies as a poor wardrobe selection issue, but somehow I doubt it.

        Reply ↓
      1. Bog of eternal mensch*

        You remind me of the student (what student?)
        The student with the power (what power?)
        The power of bio*! (Who do?) You do!
        (Do what?)
        Remind me of the student…

        *I couldn’t think of a HS subject that rhymed sorry

        Reply ↓
    3. KateM*

      And not only in “giggling about it between themselves” way but “have reported this to [school] authorities” way.

      Reply ↓
  3. Famous Amos*

    LW #4, if the email account can’t be permanently disabled, just set up an auto responder “Joe Cool-Smith is no longer at this company and this address is not monitored.”

    Reply ↓
    1. amoeba*

      Yeah, I’m honestly just confused why the account is still active at all, in all places I’ve ever worked, it gets deactivated the day you resign (even at uni, even though some of them gave as some grace period).

      Auto-reply seems like the minimal thing to do – who knows who else might message him? Like, not necessarily through his own fault, if some business contact from years ago or whatever reaches out to him.

      Reply ↓
  4. Bilateralrope*

    LW4: I’d send one reply to tell them that former employee no longer has access to that email address because he no longer works there. Then ignore their emails unless there is something illegal about them sending you that information

    Maybe get IT to make sure that he hasn’t been accessing it somehow

    Reply ↓
  6. Observer*

    #2 – Unannounced video calls.

    I totally agree with Alison. Just to note, though, that if you would be able to take the call if it weren’t video, you can take a call and tell teams to NOT use the camera. Also, if for some reason, you cannot do that (some setting from admin etc.) you can always keep your camera covered. That’s not a bad idea anyway. These days I try to buy only webcams that have covers and most of our staff keeps their cameras covered unless they have a reason to uncover them.

    Reply ↓
    1. amoeba*

      Yup, came here to say this. At least in my Teams version, I can always choose to answer with or without camera and if somebody calls spontaneously, I have zero problems leaving it off! (Can you even see if the other person has theirs on or not? I though you just see it’s a call, but might be wrong!)
      If you usually use Teams exclusively for video, I get why you feel like you need to have it on as well, but really, many, many people use it just for voice calls. (It’s basically the only way for us to make calls, so we use it for everything!)

      Reply ↓
  7. niknik*

    Lw #1: Might be also worth mentioning / showing him the photo that had to be removed. If things are really as obvious as stated, that might help make the case.

    Reply ↓
    2. Indolent Libertine*

      Think back to being in a classroom… seated at a desk… with the teacher standing at the front of the room. If there’s something untoward going on in his crotchal area it’s kind of literally in their faces.

      Reply ↓
        1. Makare*

          Oh god, flashbacks to the math teacher in my high school who was also a PE teacher/coach and wore basketball shorts all day, every day. SO uncomfortable when he walked between the rows of desks while we were working on assignments. I’m quite sure he gave it not a second thought, but at 14/15/16, that shit is MORTIFYING to notice.

          Reply ↓
    1. KateM*

      Either his pants are that thin and tight that his penis is visible through them in rest state… or he is walking around students with visible erection. Both cases absolutely need to be shut down, and I think even in any kind of workplace.

      Reply ↓
    2. Red headed Stepchild*

      I know of a teacher that had this issue. He was absolutely aware and doing it on purpose. I’m not saying this guy is, but he works with kids. He’ll either be mortified and fix the issue or you’ll know you’re dealing with intent.

      Reply ↓
  10. Observer*

    #4 – Old email.

    What we do, and what would probably be especially sensible in your case, would be to

    1. Change all passwords
    2. Explicitly block the user from logging into email (as a separate step)
    3. Set up an auto-responder saying something like “John Smith is no longer working for OurCorp. For assistance please call June Jones @ x567 or j.jones@ourcorp.com”
    4. auto-forward all email to the replacement. Depending on the specifics that stays in place for anywhere from 30 days to forwever.
    5. Provide direct access for the replacement to be able to read everything in the existing box, although nothing should ever be done within that mailbox.
    6- 7-90 days (depends on the specifics) De-license the email account and make sure that system access is deactivated.

    This is in addition to deactivating any other accounts on any specific systems.

    If you do that, then the new employer will be on notice that their emails are going to the wrong place. As a courtesy, since they are customers, you might want to shoot them one separate email saying “It seems like you’re using John’s OurCorp email instead your system. Just so you know, that account has been deactivated and John should not have any access.”

    Regardless, double check everything to make sure that he cannot have *any* access to his old email.

    And don’t delete his account, or accounts in general. You can deactivate accounts without deleting them. And with Office 365, if you turn it into a shared mailbox, you can retain the contents for quite a while, which can be useful for finding stuff later.

    Reply ↓
  11. Name's Seuss*

    #2: Your letter doesn’t make it clear if you use a busy/out of office /indicator status when you need to focus?

    Reply ↓
    1. coachfitz13*

      This. Also, your IT department can set the top-level administrative functions in Teams to prevent video calls when your status is set to Busy.

      Reply ↓
      1. Allonge*

        Prevent the call from being placed or just ‘ringing’ at the receiver end?

        I don’t think I would do the first one – no matter how annoying out-of-the-blue calls are, sometimes there are emergencies.

        Having all notifications muted is fine, but there should still be a ‘X tried to call you’ signal.

        Reply ↓
    2. Tangerine steak*

      Agreed. Of you use teams you can tell people you are unavailable, you can also have a status message.

      I love that colleagues call me directly rather than sending messages I might not see. If I’m unavailable I’ve indicated that through my availability. If it’s something big schedule a meeting.

      If I can’t take the call I won’t – but I suspect some people don’t take calls out of some weird principle that it’s rude to contact a coworker without first contacting the coworker to request permission to contact the coworker.

      Reply ↓
  12. Random busybody*

    Lw 1 If it truly is not a violation of your school’s dress code for a teacher to wear clothing so tight/thin that their privates are visible it really should be.

    You shouldn’t just be planning to “suggest” he wear clothing which does not clearly outline his penis. Suggesting has the implication that he can continue having a clearly outlined penis if he chooses. He needs to be kindly but directly told his clothing choices are not currently classroom appropriate imo.

    Reply ↓
    2. amoeba*

      There are definitely people who have a, er, clearly visible package in very normal clothes like fitted (not skintight!) jeans.

      I mean, if it’s really super thin or stretchy clothing that’s the problem, sure. But it doesn’t have to be. I’ve met a few examples. (Although I guess in that case the students would probably have had the common sense not to go to the principal about it, but it’s generally at least an option!)

      Reply ↓
      1. Random busybody*

        Even if your clothing would not be tight or thin enough to highlight someone else’s privates, if it is tight or thin enough to highlight your privates it is too tight/thin for teaching attire.

        Dressing appropriately requires being aware of how your body is filling clothing, not just viewing the item of clothing in a vacuum. If a teachers privates are visible enough in fitted pants for multiple students to feel uncormfortable enough to report it and a picture needing to be removed from the internet, fitted pants are not classroom appropriate for that person. It is still a problem even if a different person may not have that same problem.

        Reply ↓
      2. Nina*

        I can see whether or not this person has the kind of genitals that cause a bulge in pants – completely normal and largely unavoidable.
        The ‘imprint’ of this person’s penis is “very visible” – this person urgently needs looser or thicker pants.

        Reply ↓
  13. Bob*

    One of my colleagues has status message that asks people to message before calling so that they can make sure they don’t lose track on whatever they’re working on.

    Reply ↓
  14. Ellis Bell*

    Fashion usually likes to confuse young women but I wonder if it’s found a male victim here. The very slim and stretchy trouser style has always looked like a potential issue to me; put it someone with any muscle tone and it’s looks like the Hulk was caught short. I think they’re also going back out of fashion, which would make the cut even more noticeable to high school kids. I think both men and women need to approach very stretchy, very tight clothes with some caution. I’m thinking of the supply teaching assistant who showed up to my school in cycling shorts, so OP can be reassured that it could be worse!

    Reply ↓
    1. WS*

      Oh god yes, I remember my high school music teacher. He was an avid cyclist and repeatedly showed up for classes in extremely tight cycling gear which, in at least one set, also had a very unfortunately bright yellow crotch. Quite startling and at eye level when you’re sitting! Also, he often smelled strongly of sweat which wasn’t too bad in the morning but was putrid by late afternoon. It was a long-running joke with the students but one day we got a new vice-principal and suddenly the music teacher found time to wash change before classes.

      Reply ↓
  15. Allonge*

    LW3 – does it help to think about this as the manager mostly seeking help / commiseration for themselves, not as trying to console others?

    Not that I think it’s a good choice, but I cannot imagine someone consciously deciding to ‘help’ others via this method if they themselves don’t need a good talk. And yes, managers should choose other methods for both issues, and be very very sensitive in who, specifically, they approach in any case.

    But, like, my manager is still a human, she was devastated by the news, and I do feel some empathy with the need to talk about it (especially as it has some direct impact on our work).

    Reply ↓
  16. Tangerine steak*

    LW 3 while you don’t care for your senior management coming around – you likely have colleagues that do. It’s even likely that they’ve received feedback about this that makes them prioritise this. It’s unlikely they’re looking to fill their emotional needs (at least I’ve always worked for really large companies, they can do that chatting to their close colleagues like we all do)

    Just accept that people are different. Management will usually take notice of people who comment that SM are callous/don’t interact/don’t treat them like people/don’t acknowledge significant events/just send out soulless emails with employee assistance numbers etc.

    Complaints that SM wasted my time by asking how I was or expressing sympathy for a disaster/situation will make you look a little crazy at best. Chances are they’ll spend their time mostly with those who value the interacting. If necessary excuse yourself and go to the bathroom for two minutes and they’ll likely have moved on by the time they’re back.

    I work disasters – and I know that some people really care if senior people (politicians/those in command) come around. If they didn’t they’d be crucified in the media with people who would go on camera to express their dissatisfaction. Many others find it annoying and a waste of time.

    Reply ↓

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