rolling my eyes while giving feedback, company is forcing me to see their doctor to get prescription coverage, and more

by Alison Green on November 15, 2024

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Should I avoid rolling my eyes while giving feedback to a coworker?

My workplace rarely fires people for performance issues, and it’s led to us retaining a few people who everyone agrees have performance issues but where no action is taken. I have a few colleagues who I’ve given regular, repeated feedback to about basic things like not completing the scope of a project they outlined they would complete or not understanding a topic that they work on regularly. The first time I give someone feedback, I always give them the benefit of the doubt that it may be a one-off. But there are now a couple (of the dozens of colleagues I work with) where I don’t have hope that their performance gaps are coachable. They are both below me in rank, but don’t report to me.

I always keep my words factual, but I’ve now started to receive feedback that I should avoid negative body language, such as eye rolling. Is it reasonable to expect someone to control unconscious body language even if everyone agrees that the negative body language is in reaction to unacceptable performance, not anything personal?

It feels like these employees’ performance issues have now become my problem. Would a man be expected to always be extra “nice”?

Rolling your eyes at someone while giving them feedback is incredibly rude. This isn’t about being “extra nice”; it’s about not showing open contempt while speaking to a colleague, and that’s a reasonable (and very normal) expectation of both men and women.

If f you truly can’t control outward signs of contempt, you’ll need to find another method of providing the feedback (like in writing where your eye-rolling can’t be seen) or ask your manager or someone else to deliver it in your place.

For what it’s worth, your company’s refusal to deal with performance issues is a much bigger problem than any individual low performer could be. Direct your contempt there.

Related:
my boss says I’m too much of an “open book” emotionally

2. My company is forcing me to see their doctor to get prescription coverage

I have been taking weight loss medications (think Wegovy, Mounjaro, etc.) for over a year and I am ecstatic to finally be losing weight after a lifetime of struggling with obesity. But I recently received a letter from my employer stating that starting in 2025, our health insurance plans would no longer cover weight loss medications unless they were prescribed by the online clinic they have partnered with which specializes in weight loss. They’ve marketed this partnership as an amazing new benefit to employees. You get to meet with a dietician, download their app, track all your food, connect your activity tracker, all for free! And then maybe, if you qualify, you get to meet with a prescriber. I get what they’re trying to do. The medication is expensive and they need to reduce the number of employees taking them. Note that while we’ve received company-wide emails touting this new amazing benefit, the part about weight loss medications has only been sent quietly via snail mail to the people currently taking them.

I am pretty terrified that I will become a victim of the prescription reduction targets they’re trying to achieve and am frustrated that they believe the opinion of a doctor I’ve never met is more valuable than that of my physician who specializes in medical weight loss and whom I’ve been working with for more than a year. While I don’t believe it will be good for my mental health to reinvigorate a numbers obsession back into my life (calories eaten and burned, pounds, grams of macronutrients, etc.), I am willing to do many of the things my company has outlined to prove I am worthy. But the RX can only come from their doctor.

I’ve already expressed my concerns to our third-party benefits support provider and plan to appeal the rejection I will receive when my physician prescribes me this medication in January. In the meantime, I have begun jumping through their hoops, some of which seem invasive, make me uncomfortable, and are all pretty time consuming. (Each day you open their app, you have a new long list of “things to do” and information to share.) Is there anything else I can do in the meantime to convince my company that their doctor is not better than my doctor and that abruptly cutting off care will not be good for my health? For context, I work for a large global publicly traded company that manages several “operating companies” and I personally am located in Massachusetts.

Probably not, I’m sorry. Less than 20% of large companies in the U.S. cover weight loss drugs in their insurance plans at all; they’re increasingly being excluded from coverage because of the cost. About half of those that do cover them are adding requirements like your company’s. If you want to continue to get them through your insurance, this is likely the only way you can do it.

3. Do I have to continue my old boss’s gift-giving tradition?

Early in the year, my boss moved across the county to a new job, and I was given his role. I am now the manager of our small office and my coworkers. Several of us have been here since this branch opened; we’ve been peers all along and have held various levels of supervisory status. We are a client-facing operation so that title is not so much for internal supervision as it is procedural for client issues.

My boss used to give everyone gift cards for Christmas, either for specific stores or a general Visa-type card. Last year I was given $100 and two others $50, and the rest of the staff $25. No one else exchanged gifts that I know of. I was pleased, I admit. I mean, who doesn’t like free money?

But I think I’m a bit of a hypocrite because I am not a gift-giver or holiday-minded person by nature, and I somehow feel weird about taking over the gifting role. I’ve never exchanged gifts with these folks, and it kind of seems odd to start now. I appreciate them hugely, and I tell them so often (they really do make my work life easy), but giving gifts seems … too personal? But maybe that’s just my anti-holiday streak talking. Would it be really egregious to skip the individual gift and do some sort of a group recognition?

You’re fine skipping the gifts. You’re not obligated to give gifts, even as the boss. That said, before you decide, are you sure your old boss was buying those gifts personally rather than them being “from” the company? If they’re paid for by the company, it would be Scrooge-ish to stop the tradition.

However, giving different amounts to different people is weird! If it turns out the company will pay for gift cards and so you continue giving them, everyone should get the same amount.

4. I can’t convince myself to start job searching

My boss sucks, and isn’t going to change. I work for a micromanager who plays favorites, and while I’ve been able to find ways to work around this for years — work from home was great! — I’ve finally reached my breaking point. This isn’t healthy, I don’t deserve to be miserable at work, and there has to be something better out there.

The problem I’m facing is actually taking the plunge and starting a job search. I know I need to get out! I feel strongly about this! There are positions on my industry job board that I’d be qualified for! And yet: I can’t bring myself to update my resume and put myself out there.

I think there’s a lot of things playing into this hesitation. This is my first professional job, which I came to without the traditional educational background. It’s been made clear that it’s Very Unusual for someone without the traditional background to hold a position in our industry. And while I am at a crisis point with my boss, I love the work itself; under different management (which likely won’t happen at my organization for many years), I’d be happy to stay here indefinitely. What if I can’t get hired into another job in my industry? Am I insane for considering moving out of my low-cost-of-living region? Is it foolish to throw away my current position, where I’ve got middling seniority, when my industry (and the world!) may become increasingly turbulent in months and years to come? What if, what if, what if…

At the end of the day, I know the answer: I’m miserable, and it doesn’t hurt anything to see what’s out there. Job searching and leaving a job are two different decisions, and I should view them separately. What I could use is advice about how to make that leap, emotionally, from “I know I need to look” to actually looking. Any guidance about how to get over the hump would be greatly appreciated.

Look at this way: you’re just gathering information. If you’re worried that you won’t be able to get hired into another job in your industry, the only way to confirm or disprove that is to apply for jobs and find out. If you’re right about that, you’ll find out by … not being offered other jobs. It doesn’t make sense to decide that preemptively, rather than testing the market.

And you’re not obligated to take a job just because it’s offered to you; you can job search simply to see what’s out there and to compare those jobs against your current situation. If you decide you’re not ready to make the move once you’re offered a specific, concrete job, you’re allowed to decide that. But by not even looking, you’re taking away all options from yourself and just ensuring you’ll stay where you are, with a boss who’s making you miserable. If you end up choosing that in the end, after comparing it to other real options, so be it — but do yourself the favor of letting it be a real choice.

You may also like:
{ 53 comments }

{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Tio*

    LW1: When you say “Would a man be expected to always be extra “nice”?” not rolling your eyes is not “extra” nice, it’s a baseline behavior. And any man that’s getting away with it would be a man getting away with a lot of other bad behavior, but also women get away with this one in particular A LOT. Some managers view it as not a big deal or a personality conflict, but like Alison said, it’s incredibly rude and not ok.

    Reply ↓
      1. Worldwalker*

        Exactly.

        There is no situation in which rolling your eyes while giving feedback is anything other than outright, flagrantly rude.

        Reply ↓
        1. Yay! I’m a llama again!*

          ‘Should I avoid rolling my eyes…’ I really thought I’d read it wrong!

          LW1, if you were receiving feedback and the person giving it to you was rolling their eyes, how would you feel? It’s extremely unprofessional and rude.

          Reply ↓
    2. Michigander*

      The idea that not rolling your eyes is being extra nice! And that it’s an unconscious physical reaction that you have no control over and shouldn’t have to apologise for. If you think any of those things, guaranteed you are rolling your eyes too often.

      Reply ↓
  2. Daria grace*

    #4, I’ve struggled with getting job searches going a couple of times before. It helps to remember it gets easier after a few applications. You get into a rhythm, your resume gets finished, you develop cover letter material you can reuse with tweaks in future applications, the interviews get less intimidating. If you can push yourself through the stressful early weeks of job hunting it likely won’t keep feeling as overwhelming as it does now

    Reply ↓
    1. Testing*

      All of this! Also, applying for jobs and getting some interviews lets you refine your own thoughts about what kind of job you want and what you are offering.

      Last time I was applying it took me a year to finally find a job, but in the end this was a good thing as my thoughts and expectations changed a lot during the process and I ended up applying for quite different jobs towards the end compared to the beginning.

      Reply ↓
  3. Viki*

    My kid likes to say her face has subtitles. As she’s getting to post secondary we’re working on taking and giving constructive feedback without body language being dismissive.

    Rolling your eyes at a coworker in a feedback loop is not professional. Don’t think about it as nice, this is like bare minimum professional work bits.

    Reply ↓
  4. Coverage Associate*

    #2 is in a better position than many, in my experience. They got sufficient warning that maybe there won’t be a time gap in coverage. I have seen new health benefits plans announced with the bare minimum notice required by law, and actually experienced much less notice than I am told was required by law.

    My coverage through my employer pays for these after the very high deductible is met. Before that, we were able to download a coupon code from the manufacturer and get $150 back for each $900 Rx. Once we met the deductible and started getting reimbursements, I set up savings accounts to save to meet the deductible next year.

    I have been mostly satisfied with our high deductible plans in the past, especially when the health savings account is considered, but we may switch to a lower deductible plan for 2025 due to anticipated life changes. If OP has a choice of plans for 2025, they should crunch all the numbers.

    Reply ↓
  5. LaminarFlow*

    I would be horrified, humiliated (and could only blame myself) and just completely embarrassed if my manager told me that employees say I’m rolling my eyes and projecting negative body language in conversation.

    Tbh, I would also expect to be terminated if I couldn’t show someone basic respect. Just….wow.

    Reply ↓
    1. Waving not Drowning*

      I was accused of a previous manager of rolling my eyes when she spoke. Problem is, I didn’t! It is not something that I do, at all, ever! We were talking as a team, and she wanted us to do a complete flip in a process, so I was trying to get my head around how we were actually implementing it – going through steps in my head, working out if I had any questions, but, in no way rolling my eyes, or even expressing an opinion!!!! She was the only one looking at me at the time, but, it was awful to be called out for doing something that I wasn’t.

      Reply ↓
      1. Missa Brevis*

        If we give your manager benefit of the doubt (which she may or may not deserve), for me sometimes “going through steps in my head” comes with a little upward flick of my eyes while I put the pieces together, which can look like an intentional eye roll if someone is really sensitive to that. If you think with your face at all like I do, I can see it being misinterpreted. That said, of course, the appropriate response is to check in and ask if you meant to roll your eyes, not jump straight to accusations.

        Reply ↓
        1. niknik*

          Had a colleague once, who had that tick to always look a the ceiling while talking to someone. So he would look at you while you were talking, then when he answered, his eyes would roll up. Might’ve been an eye contact thing, not sure. It was certainly subconscious, though, and not meant as a reaction to what you were saying. It made longer conversations a little strenuous/awkward, but i’m pretty sure he couldn’t help it, so i never mentioned it.

          Reply ↓
    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      Another thing about eye rolling that this OP may want to consider is that it may, by itself, be making people less receptive to feedback. If someone rolled their eyes at me while giving me feedback, I’d assume it was their way of conveying “you’re an idiot, you suck at this job and you’re not going to do this anyway, so what’s the point?” If you wouldn’t say that out loud, don’t convey it with your body language.

      Reply ↓
      1. Worldwalker*

        Definitely. If someone is rolling their eyes at me, I’ll assume their words are only pro-forma, and the real feedback is in the body language. And that body language is really rude. I wouldn’t be listening to what they were saying — I’d be trying to get out of there as fast as possible.

        Also … the OP said these are people who don’t report to her. Is she in fact giving them feedback in an official capacity, or is she just being bossy to colleagues?

        Reply ↓
        1. tommy*

          i was wondering that too! why is LW giving feedback? did her manager ask her to? she didn’t mention it being part of her role nor specifically assigned to her. that said, it doesn’t sound as if anyone told her to stop giving feedback, only to stop giving it obnoxiously… but then, who asked her that? are they in charge either? might they be the people at whom she eye-rolled or peers of those people? a clearer picture of everyone’s role would be useful.

          Reply ↓
      2. MK*

        I am also questioning how appropriate giving the feedback is in the first place. Maybe OP is giving feedback about specific work that directly affects their own work, but from the letter I could also assume they had taken it upon themselves to criticize their coworkers performance in general. Which isn’t really their place, if they aren’t these people’s manager.

        Reply ↓
        1. Myrin*

          I was thinking that! These are colleagues and the two OP deems especially hopeless “are both below [her] in rank, but don’t report to [her]” so – does OP even have standing to correct them?
          It’s possible that the projects she talks about or the basic procedures the coworkers don’t understand directly impact OP’s work or are even things under OP’s purview but… it kinda doesn’t read to me like that’s the case, actually.

          Reply ↓
    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I really thought there was going to be some reason why it was acceptable and the title was a bait and switch… but no, they’re really just openly and knowingly rolling their eyes!

      Reply ↓
  7. Waving not Drowning*

    LW4 – been there, done that, and ended up changing jobs :-)

    In my case, I finally reached my limit (having 2 weeks of work because the thought of returning was giving heart pounding anxiety), and I reached out to my network and let them know that I was looking for a change (they already knew the micromanaging manager that I worked for – they had seen her in action). I was worried that I would be jumping from one bad situation to another, and I didn’t want to lose the flexibility/work arrangements that my current employer offers, plus, we have a really competitive pay for the area/my skills level, so I wanted to stay here if I could. Luckily one had an opening that she could recommend me for, and I checked out the management style of that department head, and I jumped to her team. It was amazing! Having a manager who presumes compentency in her team is just so good! It did wonder for my confidence!

    Reply ↓
  8. Wolf*

    > Note that while we’ve received company-wide emails touting this new amazing benefit, the part about weight loss medications has only been sent quietly via snail mail to the people currently taking them.

    Does that mean your emplyoer knows what medication you take? Or did these letters come from the insurance?

    Reply ↓
    1. Adultiest Adult*

      If the company self-insures, which some large companies do, they essentially create their own insurance plan under the auspices of a major insurer, and as a result they have a lot of latitude to decide what is and isn’t covered, and at what level. Although it might say Blue Cross on the insurance card (to pick a well-known national example), the coverage isn’t dictated by Blue Cross itself, but by what the company is willing to pay.

      Reply ↓
  9. MPerera*

    Wow, $100 from a boss sounds amazing. My manager gives everyone a $10 gift card. Then again, the first boss I ever had gave me the following present on December 24 : “Since it’s Christmas Eve, you can go home ten minutes early.”

    Reply ↓
  10. Workaholic*

    LW #4: I believe a person should always keep up their resume and apply for jobs now and then, even if you’re not seriously looking. Keep in practice, a bit info gathering, plus you never know! I actually had this discussion with my boss during my performance review.

    Though believing it’s a great idea and doing it are vastly different. I’ve been at my job 11 years, and my resume is on an old computer I’ve not touched in 8 years or so. My boss feels the same way – but hasn’t touched hers in 4 years.

    Reply ↓
  12. BellaStella*

    Eye rolling is also seen as bullying. In a training we had at work last year on types of bullying this was mentioned. My grandboss did roll her eyes at me too and it was only partly addressed as sadly she is still in her role and still not terrific.

    Reply ↓
    1. Allonge*

      I would be a bit careful with this (maybe I am misunderstanding your point though).

      Eyerolling is rude and certainly can be part of a bullying behavior. But I would not expect (or really, want) that we go directly from ‘X rolled their eyes at me’ to ‘X is bullying me and needs to be fired’. It undercuts the seriousness of bullying.

      Which is not to say I don’t believe your grandboss is a bad manager!

      Reply ↓
      1. I didn't say banana*

        A key part of bullying is that it is repeated – if someone regularly rolls their eyes at you, it would meet the definition.
        Signed, a nerd who did her psychology thesis on bullying

        Reply ↓
        1. Myrin*

          If they were being perfectly normal to you otherwise? I’m surprised to hear that. I’d personally categorise that as “strangely rude regarding this one thing” but it’d never occur to me to call it “bullying” absent any other bullying behaviour. I didn’t know it would be qualified that way in psychology.

          Reply ↓
  13. kanomi*

    LW#4: You want to do it, but you’re procrastinating for some reason. Try breaking the task into little chunks:

    Day 1: review open jobs, bookmark faves
    Day 2: review this and other sites’ resume posts
    Day 3: update resume
    Day 4: submit to faves
    Day 5: reward self with cookie :)
    etc.

    Reply ↓
    1. Lisa*

      Good advice. There’s also no shame in asking for help from friends, family, professionals (for pay), or even ChatGPT on updating the resume. Even if you end up having to edit everything they do, you’ll be a lot further along than not having those steps.

      For me when I’m procrastinating this hard about something, it’s usually because there is an unacknowledged fact that I am unwilling to face. Sounds like for you it could be the fear that you are indeed stuck with the awful boss for a long time if you want to stick it out in this career. If that’s so, following out the thoughts to their full conclusion can be helpful. What is the worst that can happen? Say you update your resume, apply for every job in the field, and don’t get a new job. What does that mean? Is it staying at the awful job? Or is it changing fields? What would you need to do to be able to stay at the job? What would you need to do to change fields? What would you need to do to be able to be more viable in the field if you don’t find a job? How long would that take? Is it even possible? Are there equivalents or near-ish training/education that makes you look better on paper?

      The other piece of advice I always try to remind myself of is to not reject yourself before the other person has the chance to. Make them do that work, rather than doing it yourself. :)

      Best of luck on escaping the bad situation!

      Reply ↓
    2. bamcheeks*

      This is good advice, but LW, if this is the part you’re struggling with, I suggest deliberately giving yourself a 2-4 weeks of “Day 1”. Just browse job postings, without any pressure to apply right now, and at the same time browse the LinkedIn profiles of people in your industry and in a similar role or on a similar pathway and see what they are doing or have done. Try and visualise yourself in that role and think about what you’d be doing, and whether you’d enjoy it or not. If you have real difficulty imagining that role, contact a few people and ask if you can ask them a few questions about it. Don’t apply to anything yet— just gather information and actively think about it and let it all sit for a bit. Maybe make a spreadsheet of positions you could apply for and see whether one or two really grab you.

      This will all be super useful information when you do start applying, and in the mean time it can just help your head get over the scary unknownness of and hopefully start to be a little excited by the possibilities!

      Reply ↓
  14. Jackalope*

    The weight loss drug not being covered is so frustrating. Our country penalizes people for being overweight, refuses them medical care and won’t offer treatments besides “lose weight first”, and otherwise gives garbage treatment. And I don’t think that weight loss is the end-all and be-all of health, but I can understand someone wanting to focus on it. But then after all of the bullying about weight, the insurance companies…. don’t want to cover the weight loss meds? Make this make sense to me.

    Reply ↓
      1. tommy*

        there kind of is a moral issue here — not the way you were joking about it, but in the sense that these particular weight loss drugs are diabetes meds, and now that diet culture has made so many non-diabetic people demand them for weight loss (and made so many doctors push them on or offer them to non-diabetic people for weight loss), diabetic people often can’t get them, because they’re out of stock.

        Reply ↓
  15. I'm Always the Phoebe in a Group*

    “Would a man be expected to always be extra “nice?””
    So extra nice is an expectation for women but such a burden for men?
    Got it.

    Reply ↓
    1. Texan in exile on her phone*

      Well in general – eye rolling excluded – men are praised for actions women are criticized for.

      Men are leaders, women are bossy. Men are direct and confident, women are outspoken. Men are professional, women are cold. Etc, etc, etc.

      Reply ↓
  16. Excel-sior*

    LW4 – if you’re truly miserable in this job, then now is the time to start looking. it’s not going yo get any better. i know starting a job search is daunting for lots of reasons, but right now what you can do is take your time and be methodical about it; you’re not looking for a *new* job, you’re looking for a *better* job.

    what you don’t want to do is keep putting it off until the work situation gets so untenable that you end up quitting without anything lined up and then you’re looking for just *any* job.

    Reply ↓
  17. Mabby*

    Maybe I’ve been out of the US too long. Isn’t it a violation of some sort that the employer (not the insurance company) knows what medications their employees are taking? I thought that wasn’t legal unless it was necessary to know for work purposes.

    Reply ↓
    1. Testing*

      We don’t know if the letter came from the employer or from the insurance company (which could have received the instruction “send this info to all employees who use this medication, whoever they are” from the employer).

      Reply ↓
  18. TechWorker*

    For LW3, giving different employees different amounts is less egregious if it’s more ‘a small bonus that happens to come at Christmas’ than ‘a Christmas gift’. That’s definitely how some small companies I know of do their bonuses (& yes the amounts are paltry, but guess it depends what the salaries are to start with).

    Reply ↓
  19. SlightCorrection*

    While this doesn’t address the insurance/coverage issue, I do want to push back slightly on the framing of the weight loss drug. They are not being forced to see the company’s doctor – which comes with a de facto expectation that all of the medical records belong to/are seen by the company. They are being forced to use a specific outside medical pathway to obtaining an expensive drug. Like it or not, this is a common insurance company arrangement for very expensive drugs (like some cancer drugs) and may not be coming from the employer at all. My dad has been forced to use a particular organization to get some of his leukemia meds for years (they cost significantly more than the weight loss drugs). The specialty organizations that do this will often work with your normal doctors. I’d ask the online clinic about this, and also if you have proof of previous successful use with associated data about improvements in health conditions or proof you’ve gone through that process before you may be able to speed up some of the earlier steps of the stepwise process.

    Reply ↓

Leave a Comment

Before you comment: Please be kind, stay on-topic, and follow the site's commenting rules.
You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here.

Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS