update: stably employed but internally screaming

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was stably employed but internally screaming (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

Your advice and the responses to my initial letter were very insightful and validating, and it did help me accept the fact that I just don’t like this job very much. I have less than a year until my retirement account is vested so I’m not planning on leaving before then (unless I come across a really amazing opportunity) but working towards a mental expiration date is helpful.

At the same time, the spiraling I mentioned in my initial letter has, if anything, intensified. Whenever I make even minor mistakes, like submitting an expense sheet with math errors or populating the wrong column in a spreadsheet – annoying but not emergencies – I can’t help dwelling on it and feeling really stupid for a while. As minor as they are, they add up and I don’t want to be the person who submits unreliable work – even when I *think* I’m checking myself, somehow things still slip by that are glaringly obvious in retrospect (the recent letter about double-checking work also applies to me). And often when I ask clarifying or follow-up questions, I feel like I should somehow already know the answer – even when the answer is something I hadn’t even considered, which then makes me feel dumb for not thinking of it. It’s almost like the longer I work there, instead of feeling more secure in my expertise, I feel like more of a failure when I get something wrong (or just need information that, realistically, I have no way of knowing prior to asking). I’m creating a handbook for my position with step-by-step instructions for my recurring projects and my initial pitfalls so I know to avoid them in the future, and having it all written out is calming. But it doesn’t necessarily help with avoiding mistakes in the first place, or for moments where I need to exercise judgment.

Maybe I just haven’t been there long enough yet (the person before me was there for decades, so I feel like my ineptitude is even more glaring). Or maybe this is run-of-the-mill imposter syndrome, and I’m not used to it because I felt useful and needed at my last job, and had been there long enough that I didn’t spend so much time and energy second-guessing myself. Either way, it’s all further evidence that this isn’t the job for me. It also makes me think I should talk to a therapist and figure out the root causes of these feelings. No one has told me my employment is in jeopardy, and there are elements of my job that I enjoy and know I’m good at. But they tend to be one-time outliers, like thinking through how to improve a system, and not the rote tasks that make up the bulk of my day.

I wish I had a more upbeat response, but right now I’m kind of in a holding pattern and focused on keeping my head up at work and having an enriching life outside the office. If anyone has advice about how to stop spiraling, I’d appreciate it.

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{ 62 comments }

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  1. Lisa*

    LW, please look at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for the spiraling. You need to change your self-talk when a mistake happens to get from “I am stupid” to “I am a human who messed something up, I will fix it”.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      LW, if you decide to see a therapist for this, please tell them what you wrote here:

      I feel like more of a failure when I get something wrong (or just need information that, realistically, I have no way of knowing prior to asking)

      It’s normal to have some (small) negative feeling after getting something wrong, but not to “feel like a failure (overall, as a person)” and that’s something you and your therapist can work on. Also, you’re not a failure for asking for information you have no way of knowing without asking! That’s exactly what asking questions is for! You and your therapist can also work on this.

      1. Your Former Password Resetter*

        Absolutely, that’s some strong and very personal self-judgement for something routine and unremarkable. It sure sounds like your own brain is actively abusing you.

        Fortunately, you can retrain yourself out of that over time (been there done that), but to do that you need to recognize it for the lie that it is.

        Presumably you’d never judge a co-worker like this, and your coworkers are kind people who would not treat others like this either. Including yourself.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I realized a few months that I was having an episode of my chronic mental illness and requested treatment. The psychiatrist I spoke to asked why I thought I was having an episode, and I told her I’d been having recurring thoughts and thought spirals that I realized were irrational and that I recognized from previous episodes.

          “Ah,” she said, “I see you’ve had cognitive behavioral therapy.”

          Yup, benefits of a childhood diagnosis and shit-tons of therapy. My brain may still not always work the way I want it to, but I’ve gotten pretty good at understanding how it works and what I need to do to get it to start working again (even if it sucks waiting for the new meds/therapy/etc to work).

    2. Dadjokesareforeveryone*

      Came here to say that the kinds of mistakes you describe sound very human to me, in that these are the kinds of errors everybody makes sometimes. If you make the same mistake everytime you fo something it’s worth looking at your process, but if you’re making different isolated mistakes that’s completely normal, and something I and every other person in this comment section also do.

    3. Wayward Sun*

      Seconded. It really helped me a lot. A combination of childhood bullying and depression had made me really, really hard on myself, and learning to push back on that made a big difference.

    4. MigraineMonth*

      If you cannot access a therapist or find one you trust, studies show that self-directed CBT can also be effective, and I’ve noticed that even friends/family can help point out when my self-talk gets particularly negative or unreasonable.

      Has anyone tried self-directed CBT and could comment on that? (I’ve also heard from some neurodivergent folks that CBT can be very frustrating and even counterproductive, so be aware that it isn’t for everyone.)

  2. JennG*

    I have advice on stopping spiralling! Here are a few tips:
    – when you start, change your energy – go run up and down the stairs or do a few jumping jacks in the hallway
    – take lunch breaks and go for walks or read a light hearted book

    Here are three techniques from a document on test anxiety that I use:

    The Releasing Tension Method: 1. Put your feet flat on the floor. 2. With your hands, grab underneath the chair. 3. Push down with your feet and pull up on your chair at the same time for about five seconds. 4. Relax for five to ten seconds. 5. Repeat the procedure two or three times.

    The Palming Method: 1. Cup your palms over your closed eyes so there is no pressure on your eyeball. 2. Think of a real or imaginary relaxing scene. Mentally visualize this scene. Picture the scene as if you are actually there, looking through your own eyes. 3. Visualize this relaxing scene for one to two minutes.

    Deep Breathing: 1. Sit straight up in your chair. 2. Slowly inhale through your nose. First fill the lower section of your lungs and work your way up to the upper part of your lungs. 3. Hold your breath for a few seconds then exhale slowly through your mouth. 4. Wait a few seconds and repeat the cycle three to five times.

    They are from here: https://www.ursinus.edu/live/files/3683-test-anxiety-relaxation-tips#:~:text=Push%20down%20with%20your%20feet,for%20five%20to%20ten%20seconds.

  3. ActuallyAutistic*

    I don’t know if this will help but it seems to help my reports:

    I tell them all the time that the point is not to never fail. The point is to fail in a more interesting way next time. This has helped my entire high strung team be more comfortable with making normal, human mistakes and having a solution oriented mindset about it.

    I try to teach that we aren’t going to waste time beating ourselves up for mistakes, we’re just going to figure out how it happened so it doesn’t happen again and then make a different mistake next time so we have something new to solve.

    1. Anon a perfectionist procrastinator*

      I like this so much! I just shared it with my coworkers, since we all struggle with the perfectionism of it all, and they all got some benefit from reading your perspective. I’ve pinned this to a note on my computer screen. Thanks for passing on your wisdom – I’ll be aspiring to fail in more interesting ways going forward haha!

  4. Madtown Maven*

    Hi, LW! I’m not a psychology professional, so I won’t attempt to diagnose you. I am, however, very familiar with anxiety. Seems like you might be having quite a bit of it.

    You are worthy of getting help for these thought patterns. Therapy sounds like a great plan!

  5. Clearance Issues*

    I spiral too, and I like my job.

    What helps me in the moment, when I can’t do something else like crochet or drawing or take a walk, is to recite the “Fear is the Mindkiller” mantra from Dune. I don’t even really like Dune. It just helps when I have to do something that makes me feel anxious, usually by distracting me.

    I hope you can get through your last year before vesting, and find a job that doesn’t make you feel as anxious.

    2. Wendy Darling*

      There’s just something about “Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” that hits for me.

      Like, the acknowledgement that fear is an inevitably temporary condition and it passes through you and then is gone, but you’re not gone, you’re always still there after? Chef kiss. Exactly what my anxiety brain needs to hear.

      (That said apparently the strategy that works for me re: my anxiety is talking just absolute vicious trash to it — I started doing the nighttime shame spiral thing where you replay every embarrassing thing you’ve ever done and caught myself and was like, “UGH. BORING. TRITE. OLD MEME. GET A NEW BIT, BRAIN.” and by god it worked.)

      2. MigraineMonth*

        Oh, I’m going to have to try that mantra. Or maybe the one from the Murderbot diaries, “Fear [is] an artificial condition. It’s imposed from the outside. So it’s possible to fight it. You should do the things you’re afraid of.”

        Lol, I’ve never tried insulting my brainweasels before, but I can see why it would work! They’re just soooooo repetitive and uninspired, aren’t they?

  6. Ms. Whatsit*

    I have a lot of sympathy. I stayed too long in a job and found it had eroded my confidence that I could do anything else. (Tbh I’m a bit worried that that’s happening again, but forewarned is forearmed.) When you’re feeling down or demotivated, it’s easy to procrastinate, let things slip, miss little things, etc., and easy to feel disproportionately bad about those mistakes. But please give yourself some grace; your negative perceptions aren’t really accurate or the full picture of who you are. And I definitely think raising this with your therapist is a good idea.

    In terms of checking things for mistakes, I usually find I’m better at editing/checking if I have time to set it aside for a bit. Outside of quick turnaround projects, it sounds like you probably could, for example, set a personal deadline a day earlier, set it aside, and review the next day. Checklists are also a good tool for walking yourself back through your work. Hang in there!

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yes, honestly, it takes a unique skillset to perform highly in a situation where you are mostly not challenged or engaged. Rather than kicking yourself for errors “because it should be easy” OP should remind herself it’s challenging *because* it’s rote. It takes some different approaches to pull it off. I’m thinking of other tasks that are routine most of the time, yet you need to be prepared to perform highly on the spot, like security guards or military professionals or police. Also humans driving autonomous vehicles make errors they wouldn’t have made if they’d been driving all along.

    2. Nameo*

      Seconding reviewing things the next day (or even a few days later, if you can swing it)!! It REALLY helps catch mistakes.

  7. Liz*

    I really relate to this because I used to do a much more fast-paced and interesting type of work but it paid terribly and had no work-life balance; now I’m in a role that’s much more stable but is wildly boring and inefficient by my standards. I’m also trying to find an exit but in the meantime I get by by cultivating friendships with my fun coworkers. Some days the silly Teams side chats are all that gets me through

  8. Taco Cat*

    I am here for these comments as I too am in a deep unrelenting spiral and trying to ignore my entire family circle telling me to quit. I am desperately telling myself to stick it out.

    The LW hits home

    1. lunchtime caller*

      Well, should you quit? There’s no value in suffering just because. Now if you definitely can’t quit (for understandable reasons like money etc) then can you change something? The job, your mindset, etc? I find just waiting for something painful to become less so just by pure force of will to be a useless and frustrating exercise. There’s almost always something you can change, or work to one day change, which often is a relief in and of itself.

      1. Taco Cat*

        Umm my sense of pride I guess. I can’t imagine not working even though my husband and I would be fine financially and I would love to just have a few months to myself to right the ship, I just deal about the future but I’m just really tired

        1. MigraineMonth*

          Deciding to stop working does sound like a big decision. Could you make a smaller decision instead, like taking two weeks off? Or searching for a better job? Or what about taking a couple of months off, and then searching for new work if you want to?

          My aunt and uncle were able to retire young, and they sold their house and lived on a boat in the Caribbean. They spent years sailing from island to island, snorkeling, fishing, everything they wanted to do. Then they got bored, sold the boat, and unretired back to their previous careers! Even seemingly-final decisions like retirement can be reversible.

    2. mlem*

      Do you have a specific something you’re sticking it out *for*? The LW, for example, only has a year to go to retirement vesting, so that’s a timeframe and specific goal. If you have something like that, great! (Reminding yourself of your timeframe and/or goal regularly might help.) But if you just think you need to tough it out for non-specific reasons or timing and everyone is telling you to get out … maybe they’re not wrong.

      1. Taco Cat*

        No, I don’t have any timings just a sense of pride but I am just sad and miserable working and it would be nice to have a few months to right the ship. I just worry about the future even though my husband and I are ok. I just can’t imagine not working and being a productive member of society

        1. orca fan*

          This is so familiar to me! Until 5 or 6 years ago, the thought of not working & being productive was a non-starter (it made post-layoff unemployment blocks really, really hard.)

          And then a friend of mine asked a question that rocked my brain a little: who *says* you have to be a productive member of society? Who precisely is owed your productivity?

          Me: uh… oh.

          My current thought is that this feeling is a habit you /can/ break (or at least weaken!). One re-frame that helped me is: work the thing I do for ~8h most weekdays to fund the rest of my life (including support of social groups & causes!).

          I hope you find a way through the sad & miserable era! You deserve better!

        2. ActuallyAutistic*

          @Taco Cat I just want to gently push back on the idea that you aren’t “a productive member of society” if you aren’t earning a wage.

          I’m going to assume you’d never feel that people who are unable to work for some reason are “not productive members of society”

          There are all sorts of ways that humans contribute to the societies they are part of- being a good friend, cooking good food, volunteering, creating, enjoying, existing in relationship to other people, and many more ways. All of this is intrinsically valuable and produces value for other people (so extrinsically valuable too) without necessarily being linked to a paycheck

        3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

          Taco Cat, figuring out when to stop doing something (knowing when to quit) is a skill like any other. It sounds as if your personal circumstances will be fine financially, and that you have family encouragement to leave. It seems your family can see that this job is making you unwell, and they have the clarity outside of it to say Stop now! But you are inside of it and it is messing with your mental and physical health and stuffing up your decision making process.
          As an internet stranger speaking to you – tell yourself you will leave work at the end of this year and then take 6 months to rest and recover and rejuvenate before deciding what to do next. Don’t argue with yourself, but treat yourself lovingly and caringly.
          We only get one life; you don’t have to be ‘productive’ to be valuable to yourself and to those who love you.

        4. Hlao-roo*

          Others in this thread have already give you good advice. I have a few questions you can use to think about your situation (no need to reply here):

          – Is it working in general that makes you sad and miserable or is it working this specific job that makes you sad and miserable?

          – If it’s this specific job, have you thought about looking for a different job? New company/same industry? Different industry? Lower stress job? Part time job? Are you OK taking a job with a lower wage?

          – Would it be possible to take an extended leave from your current job, either paid or unpaid? Even two weeks or a month off, knowing you have a job to go back to, could give you some good information on how you feel when not working.

          – How do you feel about starting a job search now (updating resume, gathering relevant documents, etc.) before leaving your current job? Would you feel better about not working if you had some job-search goals (for example, maybe “apply to one job per week for two months, then apply to three jobs per week after that”)?

          I also strongly second ActuallyAutistic’s point about what “being a productive member of society” can look like! I don’t know what shape your worries about the future take, but maybe some of ActuallyAutistic’s suggestions can help you address your worries (being a good friend, volunteering, etc.).

        5. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

          Pride in what, though? Being unhappy? Being stubborn? I’m truly unable to see where you have anything to be proud of.

          You actually sound like you are not proud, but afraid. Afraid you have no value (to whom?) if you’re not working in this specific job. Because obviously, you could get a different job, but you’re not considering that. You could work as a homemaker, a volunteer on a nonprofit board, cooking in a soup kitchen, directing a community chorus, learning cryptography or pottery. It’s strange that you only know of one way to “work”, when there are objectively so many other ways.

          I strongly urge you to think about what your values are. You have something misaligned that is leading you to think and feel this way. The people who matter to you are telling you that you have value without this job. Why do you refuse to listen? Why don’t you honor your own needs?

  9. Anon Attorney*

    Therapy. I kept beating myself up obsessively and having issues with spiraling/having panic attacks while at work. Turns out it’s not due to my mistakes, it’s due to having anxiety disorder and needing medication. I’m much happier now.

  10. Kat*

    I second all those who recommended CBT. therapy. I was going through really similar thought patterns a year ago ( and probably much longer than that, a fact I only realized when I started therapy, a year ago) and 10-12 weekly sessions with some stuff to practice in the meantime were like magic.

    I also worked through When Panic Attacks book by David Burns. A godsend, no less.

  11. basement coffee*

    I don’t have any advice here, but I wanted to commiserate a little––LW, this update could have been ghostwritten by me! It sucks not feeling like I can really take pride in the quality of my work, but I hope it’s at least a little reassuring to know that you’re definitely not alone in your struggles.

  12. H.Regalis*

    Please go see a therapist! You deserve better than feeling bad about yourself all the time. It’s hard work, but therapy can help. Give it a go.

  13. jonquil*

    LW, I wonder if part of the mistakes thing is that you need more stimulation to keep your brain firing on all cylinders? Like a good sports team that loses to a team they should easily beat, or being absent-minded when driving at slow speeds. I don’t know exactly what the fix is, but it’s a pretty human phenomenon and therefore not worth beating yourself up about.

    1. Too Many Birds*

      Yes. Or even just *different* stimulation.

      I realized recently that I perform much better at the administrative part of my job when I also get to go more social + intellectually engaging parts, like moderating a panel or leading a workshop in my field. I’m also less burned out, even though I’ve actually had more work.

      It’s made me realize I need to change the the balance of my work tasks, whether in my current role or by seeking out a new job. Right now, the ratio of tasks that fill my cup and tasks that drain it is wayyyy off, and it shows in the quality of my work.

  14. samwise*

    OP, I’ve been at my current employer for thirty years, and I *still* ask plenty of “Really? you don’t know that?!” questions. Even though I’m very often the person supplying answers, and I’m very confident in my skill and knowledge.

    Asking “dumb” questions is not a sign of stupidity or incompetence. It’s a hallmark of competent and careful professionals.

  15. Hello*

    Wow can’t beleive I missed this letter because it is almost identical to what I’m going through. Not much advise other than having that mental expiration date – maybe plan ahead on what to do when you get to this stage? Hope you get to move on to something awesome at a timing that works for you. I tried counselling which helped me focus on how well I’m paid for the work but a year later I’m back to being fed up.

  16. Legal Eagle*

    Spent many years (too long) in a position with similar anxiety (one attack was so bad I ended up in urgent care). There were myriad reasons why I convinced myself I had to stay, but I do wish I had left sooner. It was also a deeply toxic environment. No longer work there and it has taken the better part of a year to get to a point where I don’t spiral (and therapy, lots of therapy). Part of my journey has been what other people suggest: changing the way you communicate with yourself. Every time I have a negative thought about self, I take five seconds and try to think about how a friend / partner might talk to me (or how I might talk to them in a similar situation) and that tends to be quite a bit nicer. Easier said than done at the beginning but over time that change has made all the difference.

  17. my cat is prettier than me*

    I feel like I could have written this letter. Unfortunately I don’t really have any advice. I’ve been in CBT for as long as I can remember and still struggle with similar thoughts. I started EMDR recently, but it doesn’t really feel like it’s doing anything.

  18. Sybil Writes*

    Great comments and recommendations, overall.
    One practice that has helped me over time has been to express gratitude when someone finds my mistake. I mess up an expense report: “thank you so much for catching that! I really appreciate you noticing – that would have been unfortunate if it got processed with the wrong info. You are always so helpful.” Taking the focus off of myself and putting energy into complimenting someone else tends to lift us both. (notice that I don’t need to put myself down or compare – just express the appreciation for the other person.
    Another practices is when I have someone who feels embarrassed for making a mistake or having a “dumb” question (I support a large group of end users) I make a point of letting them know that one reason I’m good at troubleshooting is because I’ve been around long enough to have already made the same errors and that their questions help me a lot – either by teaching me something new or helping me see where we need better tutorials or training.
    I guess both boil down to when I make the effort to express appreciation or affirm my coworkers, it helps me reprogram my internal tapes as well. It’s almost always a good time to be kind to others and to ourselves!
    All the best,

  19. Ancamna*

    Echoing the therapy comments, but also OP might want to get checked out for ADHD and not just anxiety. Folks with ADHD often thrive in faster environments or ones with a lot of change and make “dumb” mistakes with more rote tasks. CBT can also help with any maladjusted coping mechanisms you’ve built over time.

    Since you’re going to start job searching soon, I’d suggest thinking of the handbook you’re writing as for whoever comes after you, not for yourself. That can help you be more invested in your work for the time being and give the handbook a different perspective – instead of to catch your mistakes, it’s to train a future employee. You’re not punishing yourself by creating it, you’re helping someone else.

  20. Yes, and...*

    I know exactly what you mean. For me it is forms, any kind like reports, expenses , finance transfers.
    What helped is that the job I have these things are occasional. When I have to do them, I try to have another human being next to me and hold my hand.
    I just came back from the passport office and made a ‘kid’ walk me through the completed form and sure enough, I forgot to enter my middle name. Yikes.
    A colleague said to me when I was moaning about my anxiety of sending a form to the finance department because I ALWAYS have at least one error said, so what- its worse to delay , just send it in knowing it will come back. No one is going to fire you over this.

  21. Judge Judy and Executioner*

    I’m a recovering perfectionist. I also spent time as an accountant, and there is a concept of “tolerable error”. For example, when auditing financial statements, you sometimes calculate expenses as a percentage of sales, and then you only do a deep dive on expenses that are out of range, say + or – 5%. One day in therapy, my therapist made the connection between this and my perfectionism, telling me that tolerable error in life is always greater than zero. No one lives a life free of mistakes or errors. Therefore, being “good enough” means some mistakes and errors will happen. I have the equation Good Enough = TE > 0 on a postit at my desk and this helps me a lot. No one is perfect, and trying to be perfect is an impossible goal.

  22. FoolMeTwice*

    I personally find I am more likely to make mistakes when I am disengaged and understimulated. I get so bored my mind wanders so I make careless mistakes. You may find it helpful to do some of this rote work while listening to music, taking breaks for a light workout, or setting up a “work and chat” with other coworkers who are equally bored. These may sound counter-intuitive, and they may not work for you at all!-but it could be worth a try.

  23. Emperor Kuzco*

    LW, like a lot of commenters, I completely relate to you and your experience! I started my current job about 11 months ago and I sent the first 6-8 months spiraling every time I made a ‘dumb’ mistake, thinking I should know better or that I shouldn’t be messing up still. One thing that helped is differentiating between “I should have done that better” to “my boss will let me know if I need to do better.” I spent a LOT of time beating myself up for mistakes that my boss didn’t care about – no one cared! Now I tell myself, “Okay I made a mistake, so I’ll make a note and try not to do that next time, but if it’s really a big deal my boss can let me know.” Shockingly, he rarely says anything to me and it’s made a world of difference how I function at work.

  24. bamcheeks*

    My suggestion is that this is actually just your brain on “lots of small downs, no small ups”. Think of your mood as starting at 50 everyday: in a job you like, you still encounter some tedious stuff, some annoying stuff, make some mistakes, and each of those things gives you a couple of minus points. But you also have a few small satisfactions, a couple of great conversations with colleagues, a meeting or a LinkedIn post or a report or a customer interaction that fires you up and gives you a boost, and each of those is a couple of plus points. At the end of the day, you’re still on 50.

    In a job you don’t like, you still have all the former, but you don’t have the latter. So you slowly bob lower and lower, until you’re down to 35 or even 25, and your brain just keeps turning over those Bad Things because that’s what your brain does when it’s down in the 20s or 30s.

    I really noticed this in myself during the pandemic: I was just missing out on a lot of the small things that are usually mood boosters, like a silly chat with colleagues or running into someone I hadn’t seen in a while in the lift, or a client being really effusively friendly or a latte at 10:30. Nothing about work was actively harder or worse, but the bad things looked bigger because I just didn’t have nearly as much positive stuff to compensate. I think we really underestimate how important that little stuff is! If you can’t get it at work, see if you can build it into your personal life— more meet-ups with friends, more activities, more time or engagement with your hobbies, more sunlight, less doomscrolling or whatever. Just consciously work to fill the bucket back up with good things.

    1. Crepe Myrtle*

      this is a great comment, and I’m going to work this into my thinking. Especially about work days.

  25. Gudrid The Well-Traveled*

    What works for me is a version of radical acceptance combined with grey rocking my anxiety. Yeah, I did make that mistake and yes, it could mess things up or annoy people and yes, it’s possible people might see me as incompetent and not want to have lunch with me or even fire me. These are all things that could be true. Not likely, but possible. Somehow accepting these feelings, not agreeing with them, just acknowledging them in a patient but bored sort of way helps more than denial or pep talks.

    It also helps me to take the fearful thought all the way to its root; which for me is usually something social like the person will hate me forever. Just acknowledging that emotion exists makes it easier to disregard and if not I can accept it and move on. I also ask myself if I feel I need to apologize. Usually my brain doesn’t think it’s worth an apology but is worth shaming myself forever, but I don’t accept that as an option.

  26. Alan*

    I remember someone telling me that he never made mistakes at work and my response was that either he didn’t recognize a mistake when he made one, or he had never tried to do anything interesting or big. People make mistakes. We just do. What separates the good employee from the bad is (ideally) catching them, taking *ownership* of your mistakes no matter who caught them, and fixing them. That’s it. That said, I’ve done CBT and it was helpful. Try a therapist and if they don’t help, try another. Not all are good, but there are good ones out there.

  27. striving*

    LW, you might find your job more enjoyable and more challenging if you can shift your perspective from “catching mouse after mouse, day after day”, to “striving to build a better mousetrap”. I have several rote tasks that I genuinely find useful and satisfying to do, because the day-to-day work gives me good insights into what needs to be improved, and when I eventually come up with a possible solution (or at least a step in the right direction), the day-to-day work gives me a chance to test it repeatedly and see if it holds up.

    I suggest: keep an eye out for errors/problems, and when you find them, see if you can trace them back to where they arose. Along the way, is there any place you could either prevent the problem, or at least be alerted to it as soon as possible? For example, adding a step where you use conditional formatting in an Excel file to alert you to duplicates in a column of numbers.

    Have fun!! You sound capable and clever — I bet when you’re vested a year from now, you’ll either be happy and want to stay, or you’ll at least be leaving behind an excellent process for whoever follows.

  28. A*

    Good advice here in the comments already. I would add a suggestion to devote some of your time and energy to your life outside of work. My therapist suggested that every day, you do something from each of the Three Ms: Maintenance, Movement, and Mastery.

    Maintenance: housework, life admin, etc. Maintaining your living space & your body, keeping on top of your tasks. You don’t do it all every day but you do at least one thing.

    Movement: some kind of exercise that you enjoy. Ideally one that raises your heartbeat but a gentle walk is still excellent (particularly if you can go out into a park or somewhere green & leafy). The actual movement is the goal, you don’t need to be training for a marathon or anything.

    Mastery: a hobby. Some kind of activity that you enjoy where you’re using some kind of skill. Arts and crafts are a good example. Anything you are actively doing. The idea is that you

  29. DaisyGJ*

    While I agree with the other commenters that you are definitely experiencing anxiety, you note that the spiralling has intensified so I wondered if this may be a menopause symptom? I don’t know your gender or anatomy and so may be way off there but brain fog, forgetfulness and anxiety are common symptoms. It may help you to talk to your doctor about treatments like HRT if this might be something that would affect you?

  30. rebelwithmouseyhair*

    It’s normal to make mistakes, and if you’re not actually interested, it’s harder to remember stuff. There are things that have been explained to me time and again and I still can’t remember, silly stuff like how to calculate a percentage. I used to have a post-it on my screen with instructions on it, when I had a job that involved calculating student attendance rates every week. I was lost without that post-it (in the days before you could ask Google). I can’t remember because I’m just not interested enough. My brain prefers words to numbers.

  31. SparkyMcDragon*

    Talking to a therapist is a good idea. You’ve tied your self-worth to an ability to be perfect at a job which is going to be a bigger recurring problem for you than editing one column in a spreadsheet wrong. One thing that may help in the meantime is thinking about how you would react or what you would say if a person you were managing or onboarding made a similar mistake, would you be as harsh or upset as you are with yourself?

  32. DivergentStitches*

    Solidarity!

    Writing the handbook is a great step for helping with this. At least then if you do get in trouble for a mistake, you can show that you’re being proactive and trying to make sure it never happens again. Really, most managers just want to know that you’re aware the error is a problem, and that you are taking steps that it would reoccur.

    If you’re less than a year from moving on, I do recommend starting your search now. It took forever my last couple of searches.

  33. Summer Bummer*

    Checking out “rejection sensitive dysphoria” might be helpful for you! I have autism and ADHD, and the pattern of overanalyzing a process, agonizing over minor mistakes, and holding grudges against myself about it is quite familiar <3

  34. TheGirlintheAfternoon*

    First and foremost: I think discussing this with a therapist could be a great idea because it sounds like it’s causing you a lot of distress. I had a similar experience earlier in my career, so I wanted to share some insights/tricks that might be helpful (not as a replacement for therapy, just as additional thoughts).

    Any chance your previous role/field was one where the work felt very connected to your identity? Not in terms of demographics so much as “Doing this work at a high level means I myself am fundamentally worthy”? You said you “don’t want to be the person who submits unreliable work.” That language turns an action (making mistakes occasionally, which every single person in the entire world does) into an identity.

    That was a real struggle I had when I went from a field where performance was highly aligned with personal identity (academia) to one where it wasn’t – and where my specific job was very rote (front-line administration). I’d been trained, essentially, that making mistakes/not knowing something was akin to being unworthy of the field. Fortunately, my new boss went to some lengths to reinforce to me that mistakes are 1) expected and very normal parts of doing stuff; 2) rarely a major problem; and 3) almost never a sign of intrinsic personal failures. Repeated mistakes may, in fact, be a sign that the role and its skills aren’t a good fit for you – but again, that’s not a personal shortcoming.

    (Side note: during one performance review that same boss rated me very highly in a category where I gave myself “meets expectations,” and when he asked about why I selected that rating, I said it was because the expectation was that I should be doing the work perfectly every single time. The most important thing I ended up learning from that job is that perfection cannot, cannot, CANNOT be the expectation.)

    Similarly, in that role I was coming into a work environment where a lot of people had done their jobs for a long time and I was brand-new, and where the person I was replacing had been in the role for 30 years. I was not capable of accessing her institutional memory! And I had a lot of anxiety about people thinking I wasn’t competent at the job.

    In addition to making process docs, double-checking my work, etc., I came up with scripts to help me get through those moments. None of these are revolutionary! In every case, the script was there not to minimize problems, but to provide context:

    – I very consciously eliminated “identity/I am a person who…” language from my working life. “I failed at X task” versus “I’m a failure.” One of those refers to an action, one to an identity; the action keeps the scope limited to what actually occurred, while the other make the mistake feel like a reflection of who you are. I made a mistake at Task? Okay, that’s just a mistake. I’m a person who makes mistakes? That feels all-encompassing.
    – When I needed to ask questions about something I didn’t know, or when I was asked a question I didn’t know the answer to, I started framing it as “Hey, this hasn’t come up before – how do I ABC?” or “You know, no one has asked me that before! Let me find out and get back to you.” I felt like I should just know this stuff! And if I felt that way, surely everyone else was also expecting me to know it! Just adding that quick framing of “this is new to me” reminded us both that actually, it was very reasonable I didn’t know the answer.
    – I did something similar if the question was related to something I did know but still needed clarity on. I’d say something like, “For Form A, I’m not sure where it needs to go – is it more like Form B where it routs to This Place or Form C where it routs to That Place?” Again, adding that context made it clear both to myself and to my coworkers that I had a sense of what needed to be done and just needed some help with the details.
    – When I truly did just blank on something or forget we’d covered something before, I’d just own it: “Oh, that’s right, we talked about that! Thank you for the reminder.” Or “My mind has completely blanked on X; can you remind me how to start that?” These were such small tweaks they didn’t even feel like scripts – I would have said a lot of this anyway – but thinking of them consciously as a way to remind myself and others that I did know this info and it just slipped my mind took it from “I’m a forgetful person who can’t be trusted to remember details” to “I have forgotten Specific Piece of Information, thank you for helping me remember it.”

    Also – I’d echo the previous commenter who pointed out that not making mistakes during rote/routine work is HARD. Your brain knows the process and so it skips details – that’s part of how brains function! The reason really good administrators are really good at their job is because this is one of their major skill sets. It’s completely fine if this isn’t one of your natural strengths. Honestly, it wasn’t one of mine. But I was able to make significant improvement at it precisely because I stopped expecting myself to be perfect at it; once I was able to get past that pressure, my performance improved.

  35. JukeBox*

    You have all my empathy! I am in a similar situation (near retirement age etc.). Here are some of my strategies:
    (1)recorded youtube manifestations playing at the same time as upbeat reggae music. Its 20 minutes I play as I walk to work. Because the affirmations are mostly drowned out by the music, it hinders my eye-rolling, puking gestures and the positive words slowly sink in.
    (2)Embrace mistakes and laughter. Get big colorful erasers. Cute unicorns etcetera. A dish of them on the desk.
    (3)Redirecting phrases short & sweet, with something physical: Monty Python voice, “And now for something completely different: silly walk!” Zappa song, “I could be totally wrong but I’m a Dancing Fool” Literally, physically spiral for a second. “Staying Alive” song and moves.
    (4)At one point an anti-anxiety youtube video series helped me. I took notes and made a handbook with footnotes and cross references. As the host got more polished and experienced, I liked it less. Anti-perfectionist podcasts and books can be OK too.
    I send you strength and encouragement

  36. ListeningIn*

    I love how brave and generous people are here in sharing experiences and struggles. You are not alone in these feelings and thought patterns!
    Here to say I too think therapy may help. I work in medicine and mental health care- CBT has loads of evidence behind it.
    You might also consider a course in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction— there is a version that is specifically for those with anxiety or depressive symptoms called Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). 8 weeks skills building and high quality through Brown or Mass General (virtual) https://www.ummhealth.org/services-treatments/center-for-mindfulness/mindfulness-programs/mbct-and-mbsr-the-differences-0

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