update: I promoted one employee instead of her coworker, and now my whole team is upset

by Alison Green on December 19, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who promoted one employee instead of her coworker, and now their whole team was upset? Here’s the update.

I did follow your advice by not asking Annie to do or say anything with respect to the overall dynamic on the team. I always knew that I couldn’t do that, really; I wrote the letter in a frustrated moment. That moment has passed and the team has moved on to other concerns. Beth is settling into her position. Annie has not quit, and I don’t know to what extent she has looked elsewhere. There has been no further conflict between Annie and Jane.

I made the original letter as short and simple as possible, but I can give a bit more background for your interested commenters. (I’m sure Annie would appreciate their outrage on her behalf!) The promotional opportunity was dictated by our corporate headquarters 3000 miles away, and officially I’m not the decision-maker although I led the interview team and my recommendation was accepted. An outside candidate was not an option because policy that comes from high above me requires an internal promotion, and frankly I agree that that’s a good policy given the nature of the position. The work is a bit esoteric. Moving Beth to a different team upon promotion was also not a realistic option because our team is the only one in our geographic area.

There was a formal, standardized application process which involved Annie and Beth answering the same questions in their respective interviews. The one question Annie answered poorly was the one that, considering her history, she had to answer perfectly: how do you handle stress? That is the source of the “volatility” I mentioned: she occasionally handles stress by screaming and crying. These incidents have come multiple years apart, so I’d hesitate to brand her a high-drama-high-performer, but I’d also hesitate to place her in a permanent position of authority. A previous manager pushed her to speak to a counselor and to her credit she did. I thought that she had gotten herself under control, but then came the head butting between Annie and Jane. Some of Annie’s complaints about Jane were legitimate and steps have been taken to correct that. However, Annie’s delivery of her concerns involved name calling, which is obviously not acceptable. Literally the only criticism that has ever appeared in Annie’s evaluation is “handle stress better.” It hasn’t happened yet, but I haven’t given up entirely — for Annie’s own sake as well as for the sake of the people around her. I do remain surprised that she received so much support from her colleagues when she was passed over for the promotion considering that her history is common knowledge.

As for why I would ever have fantasized about asking Annie to diffuse the tension when she’s too volatile for promotion? Because 99% of the time she’s Dr. Jekyll. But the 1% of the time that she’s Ms. Hyde is still 1% too much when there is a more stable option.

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{ 33 comments }

{ 33 comments… read them below }

  1. CityMouse*

    I agree with OP’s Jekyll and Hyde point. Screaming and crying and name calling at work? Promoting someone who does that 1% of the time is definitely a bad idea.

  2. LP*

    Im surprised not to see anything here addressing Beth and Jane’s friendship outside of work, which was rightfully called out in the original post- I can see how Annie’s past reactions to stress might make you hesitate between her and another equally qualified colleague, but surely promoting one of Jane’s friends and explicitly stating that her relationship with Jane helped get her the job is bad?

    1. Mutually supportive*

      Yes, I was surprised by this too. It feels like the update is only about the “easy” part of the question, and not the challenging bit!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        To be fair to letter-writers, they’re not required to take any of the advice here (from me or from commenters) or even to engage with questions people ask if they don’t want to. I appreciate them sending in updates regardless!

    2. Cyndy*

      I also thought it was interesting that OP dedicated the update exclusively to Annie instead of addressing the Beth/Jane friendship, which was the biggest point in Allison’s response.

    3. Elbe*

      Yeah, this response side-steps a lot of the concerns that people had.

      One of the biggest issues in the original comments was how unfair it seemed to use Annie for the extra work and then turn around and promote someone else to that role. That’s such a bad look. Of course it’s going to tank morale for employees to see one person doing the work while another gets rewarded.

    4. Lucy from the block*

      I think she probably let it go. If she wasn’t ultimately in charge of that and only giving someone several levels higher than her a promotion recommendation, I feel like the OP might not feel like it was their issue to deal with.

  3. Cyndy*

    Interesting that OP did not address the Beth/Jane friendship, which was a core piece of the dynamic that Allison advised on.

  4. MouseMouseMouse*

    …Screaming and crying MULTIPLE years apart? And you say “I thought she had gotten herself under control, but then came the head butting between Annie and Jane.” And you go on to say that the head butting involved name-calling? Is she, like, name-calling while screaming and crying?? Because those are two very different things.

    Multiple years apart, man… I remember crying in the work bathroom 3 years ago because of how undermined I felt by my gaslighting boss. And I might cry at work again next year if my grandfather does end up passing away. Obviously I won’t be screaming at anyone, but emotional outbursts do sometimes happen, and I would not lump them in with name-calling and say “see, this person is too volatile”.

    1. T.N.H*

      Crying in the bathroom is not the same as screaming and crying AT someone. The latter can never happen at work and, at least in my offices, she’d be fired instantly.

      1. DrSalty*

        Agree those are two wildly different scenarios. Crying in the bathroom is by definition trying not to cause a fuss and manage difficult emotions professionally. Screaming is the opposite of that.

    2. JB (not in Houston)*

      Emotional outbursts happen, but she shouldn’t be screaming, she certainly shouldn’t have done it more than once, and she for sure should not have been name calling. I would not want that person as my manager!

      1. Sloanicota*

        It also sounds like the way she answered the question requires more self-reflection and growth, because if she framed and addressed her way of handling stress well presumably OP may have felt differently.

      2. Elbe*

        That’s one of the things that seems odd to me here. The LW states that everyone knows about these incidents and, apparently, everyone DID want Annie as their manager – so much so that her not getting the promotion tanked morale enough for the LW to write in to an advice columnist.

        Clearly, there’s a significant discrepancy in how the LW is reading the situation vs. how everyone else is reading the situation. Maybe the LW is overstating the severity of the incidents or maybe everyone else thinks that Annie’s good qualities far outweigh the bad.

    3. duinath*

      Yes, crying is a thing that happens sometimes, but no, screaming is not.

      The screaming is key, it cannot be overlooked, and you cannot put someone in a position of any kind of authority if they are screaming at people at work, especially if they have done it more than once.

      LW gave more of a chance here than most would. I think most people would let Annie go the first time she screamed at someone, let alone the second.

    4. Lucy from the block*

      Unless you hear of a death in the middle of a workplace or something drastic like that the professional thing is to go out to have your feelings in private so as to not burden people with them. So yh, if a coworker was so angry she started crying (even without screaming) I first make sure nothing immediate happened and if they needed help, and after heavily judge them for forcing me to have to see/deal with that.

      3. Liz the Snackbrarian*

        Wow, that’s unkind. Sometimes people have big feelings at the wrong moment. I have nine months of sobriety and learning to self-soothe and self-regulate has been a tough process, I feel like similar issues can happen because of PTSD, cPTSD, or other issues that outsiders may not be aware of. It doesn’t mean we expect bystanders to jump in and help or soothe us, it’s just an indicator that sometimes the unhealed parts of us show themselves.

    5. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Crying in the bathroom, crying in your private office, crying in the storage closet (my personal favorite over the years) is a nothing burger. Because the point is you’re seeking a private place to have your emotions.

      The location of these outbursts and the content that’s involved matters. OP doesn’t share why she was screaming and crying but I get the feeling if they were justified (like upon hearing her mother had passed away or something), nobody with half a soul would hold that against someone.

      It’s uncharitable to assume the OP isn’t right to not want to put someone who has screamed at someone in a position of authority.

      And name calling has no place in the workplace, ever. There’s no excuses for that. That’s unprofessional, crass and unacceptable behavior that would often come with disciplinary action in many places.

    6. Jack Straw from Wichita*

      I found myself thinking the same thing, especially when the word “volatility” was used. Because she cried. Like a human being. A few times. Multiple years apart from each other. She’s labeled as volatile. What?

      Unless it is an egregious, immediate termination type of thing, anything that happened multiple years apart shouldn’t be given any weight in employment decisions. Period.

      I cry almost every week at work, sometimes twice in one day. It’s how I process emotions, which not everyone does that the same way. TBH, I’d argue that I’m healthier than my partner who “shoves those things down” (his words). *shrug*

      FWIW, I also got a rather large bonus this week and am one of 2 on my team of 12 who did. Crying clearly doesn’t make me unable, incapable, or otherwise bad at my job. Or volatile.

  5. CubeFarmer*

    I think the screaming, crying, and name calling would have been important context to add to the first letter. I honestly felt really bad for Annie after reading the first letter, but less so after reading the update. Hopefully, this situation has given her some perspective on workplace behavior.

  6. Fotze*

    As someone with PTSD… who has always been an Annie in terms of work ability, ethic, and reliability and otherwise relates…I really would be *fuming* at the idea that the one time I cried (I don’t call anyone names tho!) would be held against me for a promotion. Because it has happened.

    I also think it’s poignant that the OP didn’t mention Beth and Jane’s relationship in the update…and frankly in the original they contradict themselves by saying it wasn’t a factor after expressly stating they thought Beth getting along with Jane was important for the role.

    As an Annie, I also relate to the coworkers standing up for her. And I am curious if the handles stress by “screaming and crying” (although answered poorly by her.) at work or if she means in general. If anyone ever knew how much I did those things in private to cope…I’d probably be in an institution because apparently most people can’t fathom the inability I have to “just stop” having PTSD.

    Yes, Im probably projecting, but really, it still burns me OP just doesn’t understand there are legit issues here.

    1. Myrin*

      You really are projecting here – this letter and situation is not about you and it’s not about someone who cried once or even about someone who cries regularly as a coping mechanism, but in private (which, how would OP even know about that?).

  7. good grief, Charlie Brown*

    We live in an imperfect world. If you have to hire internally, and you have two candidates, do you want to hire the one who screams, cries, and calls people names because she can’t manage stress, or do you want the one with a friendship with her boss outside work?

    I would never dare send an update if I had a letter answered, based on the way people are reacting with such vitriol to an imperfect situation the OP can’t change in the ways that would be needed. Attacking and insulting them for something they can’t change is purely mean.

    1. CityMouse*

      I agree with this. People are also changing the framing on LW’S point (turning “screaming and crying” into just “crying” and doubting the LW’s story (we are supposed to take LWs at their word).

    2. Paris Geller*

      I completely agree. I cannot believe the response OP is getting here. I get that ideally you would not promote someone who is at the friends-level-outside-work with their manager, but it sounds like there were only two choices in this scenario, and OP wasn’t even the final decision maker. I feel like a lot of commenters are doing anything to justify Annie’s volatile nature because of the fact she is a star performer (like a lot of people reducing “screaming and crying” to just emotionally crying, which are two very different things). I would not want to be managed by someone who reacted to stressful situations so badly and feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them. In fact, I HAVE been managed by someone like that and it was truly horrible and had lasting repercussions on my mental health.

  8. Myrin*

    so I’d really love more details about this screaming and name calling

    I gotta say, I’d hazard a guess that at least part of the reason this update focuses so incredibly intensely on Annie and not the much more prominent-in-the-original-letter and undoubtedly more pressing issue of Beth and Jane’s friendship is because a huge part of the comments there was just endless variations of “But what does ‘volatile’ mean in this case? I need details to justify believing OP when she says this!” and now commenters want yet more details about the screaming and name-calling?

    I mean, I’m as surprised as anyone that OP makes no mention of the Beth-Jane-relationship at all – although I agree with another commenter above that with the corporate rules at this place, she probably just ended up letting it go – and explicitly mentions that she took Alison’s advice in that one regard while not speaking to what was the lion’s share of Alison’s answer, but I also feel like this goes in the unpleasant direction of grilling OPs until they’ve answered to our satisfaction which is weirdly cross-examining-y for something which ultimately doesn’t have anything to do with our own lives at all.

  9. Aelswitha*

    The problem here, I think, is the fact that Beth and Jane are friends outside work makes everything else about the situation suspect.

    It’s interesting that Annie’s whole team is upset on her behalf. That suggests to me that she wasn’t “screaming and crying” at them. So, who? … because if it was Jane, and Jane and Beth are friends, and the OP admits that some of Annie’s concerns with Jane are valid and has talked to Jane about them … then Jane cannot be unbiased, and may well have a reason to put a more negative spin on her interactions with Annie, whether through formal input regarding the promotion or just passing comments. Because Jane absolutely got what she wanted here – more of her friend, and less of Annie.

  10. BigLawEx*

    I guess I wonder if Annie no longer going above and beyond will affect her going forward in terms of evaluations or raises. I think her actions are justified if what she was doing is not going to get her a promotion—especially if they only come around as often as Halley’s comet.

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