update: the black woman who was told to monitor her tone and not dominate conversations

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer who wrote about being a black woman in government who had been told to monitor her tone and not dominate conversations? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

I’m very happy to say that lots of things have changed since I last wrote in and I’m now a manager! I learned some time ago that the “offenses” I caused had highlighted major problems with cross-departmental communications, which are now improving. Also, the anonymous fora confirmed we had poor leaders in our midst. The majority of those people are now gone or otherwise under heavy scrutiny (which I learned in my current role!). We are improving year after year in our evaluations, and I look forward to what the future holds.

My current manager told me that I have a reputation for taking the lead in presenting ideas, and that my contributions often resonate with others. My current role is helping me to continue to home in on my soft skills and confirms what my former manager (who’s now my mentor) had been saying. I believe I’m better at getting results now without alienating others. Even though it was often confusing for me, and painful at times, I suspect I was being groomed for management all along.

Lastly, the training course was a resounding success. My contributions highlighted technical aspects of the work that no one else had prior experience in, and the students were so engaged. I had reservations about my ability to perform, but we had outstanding results.

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{ 15 comments }

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

  3. Riley*

    So glad this took an overall positive trajectory! It’s really tough to tell when feedback is warranted when said feedback mirrors sexist and racist narratives.

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  4. Joana*

    I really love the updates where it turns out that everything was fine and it was really just one or two people trying to talk for everyone. Restores my faith in humanity a bit.

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    1. Cmdrshprd*

      That is not how I understood the update.

      “I believe I’m better at getting results now without alienating others. Even though it was often confusing for me, and painful at times, I suspect I was being groomed for management all along.”

      I think it was both, OP did need to work on her soft skills/tone to some extent and there were some bad people in management making a bigger deal out of OPs tone.

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      1. Joana*

        ” I learned some time ago that the “offenses” I caused had highlighted major problems with cross-departmental communications” tells me it’s more about the management being unable or unwilling to actually handle something. Everyone can use improvement, even someone you think is the best worker/manager/whatever ever, and the fact you can improve doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. And the fact she’s excelling now that the problem management is out speaks volumes.

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  5. heckofabecca*

    Wow, what a fantastic update! Mazal tov on your promotion and all of your well-earned successes!

    I also wanted to say that I’m really impressed with your writing/communication in your initial question and in both updates.

    Reply ↓
  9. davethetrucker*

    Awesome to see a company adjusting and improving itself, including by promoting its best workers! Congratulations, and Happy New Year!

    Reply ↓

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