update: I might run into the person whose life I ruined at a work event

by Alison Green on December 16, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer worried they might run into the person whose life they thought they ruined at a work event? Here’s the update.

I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my post. I especially thank everyone who spoke with kindness to me about my situation — I obviously still hold much shame for my role in this torrid love triangle. I was catastrophizing and projecting. I assumed this incident had damaged her as much as it damaged me — and the bulk of the comments got me to actually thinking that maybe none of this was a big deal to her at all, especially not after 10 years. So I decided to let it go.

About three months after my letter was published, in a similar meeting with my boss and the same board member, the board member brought up Sarah AGAIN as a designer for the gala-that-may-or-may-not-happen in the future for the project we are working on. And he repeated the conversation almost verbatim — that Sarah had been cheated on and left the area, but came back. I finally asked him how he knew Sarah was back in the area and she said she moved back to [major city over an hour away] and was running a few designing classes at a local nonprofit (which I confirmed on their website).

After the meeting ended, I asked my boss if she had a minute. And I calmly, professionally laid out the situation of one of the most traumatizing events of my personal life — giving my boss only the relevant details, and expressing my concern over Sarah seeing me — that I didn’t know how she would react, I could remain professional, but it might be best if I had a back-of-house role if this project did move forward.

My boss suggested that we go with another designer for the project. However, I didn’t want to take any work away from Sarah. My boss reassured me by saying, “It’s not [board member’s] decision who we pick if we even do pick a designer.” She also guessed that he was so fixated on Sarah because his wife had taken private lessons from Sarah in the past. There are plenty of other designers in the area, and if we even do this project, it’s up to event staff for scheduling any designers, not a board member. And, also, we weren’t even at that stage yet.

Then she commented on me having a better catch with my husband (who everyone in my job knows and loves). She didn’t know my ex personally, but she had heard things about him based on the breakup with Sarah.

So, based on no actual research but hearsay, I think Sarah moved back to our state a little while ago, but is well over an hour away from this small town. I believe she is still working in the job she picked up after she left here, and is doing design on the side with her old contacts in this area. Maybe one day she’ll move back to the area, but with housing prices the way they are I doubt that will be anytime soon. And even if it is … she has every right to move to this town, and I have every right to work here.

A few weeks after this meeting, I was pulling out of the parking lot of my local grocery store when I saw my ex. He did a double-take (my car is VERY conspicuous — I had just bought it weeks before we broke up) and then started smiling and waving as if we were old friends. I had sunglasses on and pretended not to see him, but it sent me spiraling. That grocery store is not exactly one along a major route — it’s mostly a neighborhood grocery store, which means he most likely lived nearby. I don’t know if it was healthy, but I looked up property records in our county using his name. Turns out he bought a house 1.5 miles away from me a year after my husband and I bought our house. He’s literally within walking distance of my home. Is it a coincidence? Probably … but I still feel so violated. He took so much away from me in the 10 years we were together, and for several years after that. He chased me out of a nonprofit I loved that we both volunteered at because he wouldn’t leave me alone to do my own thing there (kept trying to “be friends” and kissed me when we were doing a task alone — my response was to slap him), he has shown up to two previous workplaces under the guise of conducting business so I couldn’t kick him out, and even sent an anonymous package to my house a month before my wedding with books that only he would have thought I would have liked (it was confirmed sent by him when he was confronted about it). I don’t feel safe interacting with him, although I couldn’t tell you what I am afraid of, exactly. He told me right after I broke up with him that he had sociopathic tendencies … and I don’t really know what that means. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder wondering if I’m going to run into him at the store with my child. I don’t want him anywhere near me or knowing anything about my life these days.

But I also recognized that my spiraling, so long after our breakup, was only hurting me. I’ve been in therapy ever since. But I don’t think I would have considered any of this as trauma without the wonderful commenters on this blog. And a special shoutout to commenter “Don’t Send Your Kids to Hudson University” for recommending the “Something Was Wrong” podcast. I’m on season 16 at the moment. It really did help me put my own experience into a kinder perspective, hearing similar stories of people who were emotionally and mentally abused and also struggled with letting go of these relationships.

So, still feeling lots of shame about the situation and now aware that a man with sociopathic tendencies who thinks he did nothing wrong to me lives less than a 5K race away from me, but I’m trying to navigate through it.

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{ 94 comments }

{ 94 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Czhorat*

    I’m SO SORRY for OP to have to face this.

    It’s easier said than done, but all there is to do sometimes is just continue on continuing on and pretend that he doesn’t exist.

    I know that OP is a good person because she took responsibilty for hurting Sarah, even though it clearly CLEARLY was not her fault.

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    2. Aldabra*

      I am very confident that Sarah has thanked her lucky stars many times that OP told her about the relationship so she could get out. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex has bothered Sarah too. These two ladies probably have a lot in common.

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  2. Not on board*

    I really feel for the OP. There are a couple of relationships/friendships in my past that were filled with betrayal that I sometimes dwell on – I felt both so stupid and so betrayed.

    I think the fact that this horrible ex has continued to try to stay in OP’s life is adding to their trauma. I never have to see or speak to those people in my past so it’s easier to let go.

    But OP, you did nothing wrong – and I hope that through continued therapy you can be at peace with what happened.

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    1. Emily Byrd Starr*

      Removed — I don’t think that kind of speculation will be helpful to the LW and could make things worse! – Alison

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    2. Sneaky Squirrel*

      I hope this doesn’t feel like I’m playing devil’s advocate or knit-picking, but I didn’t get the sense that the horrible ex tried to stay in OP’s life except for that one instance of waving at a public grocery store, in which they might have felt there was nothing else they could do but be polite if they were also caught offguard. That the ex lives within 1.5 miles is likely coincidence, and not at all unsurprising if they are both living in the area they lived in when the incident started – especially because it’s not exactly giving huge city vibes.

      All this to say, it might give OP peace of mind that it had been 10 years and Sarah and ex seem to be moving on from it. I hope OP knows they did nothing wrong and continues therapy to be at peace with it as well.

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      1. Sneaky Squirrel*

        I’m retracting part of my statement because I very much missed the whole middle of the paragraph of him where he was indeed more stalkery.

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        1. Rage*

          Except that she said he did a double-take when he saw her .

          He may not have moved there for the exact purpose of stalking OP, but it certainly wouldn’t be terribly surprising if he started.

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            1. Sneaky Squirrel*

              See, this is interesting, because the double take is why I didn’t think it was stalking (this time around, as I said, retracting my statement about him otherwise). I think of a double take as “was not paying attention to surroundings, saw something that surprised me, looked again to process what I was seeing, shoot now I’m looking awkward so I have to wave”.

              Regardless, OP should avoid, not engage, and do what they need to protect themselves.

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              1. Letter Writer*

                LW here— that was my take on it too, that he didn’t expect to see me there. He seemed just as surprised as I felt.

                Most of the low-key creeper stuff ended when I called him right before my wedding over the package and told him to f*** off. This was before we moved into our current house.

                He did show up to my last workplace, but that’s because he somehow managed to get an interview for my position. I was finishing up my notice period. He did not get the job. He also didn’t see me when he was there, although he knew I was there— my conspicuous car was in the lot.

                I think, at this point, he is not interested in me romantically— it just strokes his ego if I show that he means anything to me anymore, good or bad.

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                1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

                  My ex is still, after over 20 years, could still send me into a fit of terror if he rocked up in my home town so I completely understand.

                  I’m pretty sure that it’s not about being attracted anymore; it’s about power. It was always about power.

                  Not going to blow smoke up your chimney by saying it’ll go away but the fear does lessen over the years. Plan good escape strategies (which is seems you have) and remember it’s not your fault.

                3. Quill*

                  It seems you still live in the same town as someone who causes you fear. And even if you never, or almost never see evidence that he’s around, the tension of wondering subconsciously if you will run into him is bad for you.

                  Having done that myself, keep up with the therapy and put up boundaries with people who might want to gossip to you about him or Sarah, or mutual friends you and he had. The less conscious time you can give him the more therapy and meds if you end up needing them will keep him out of your subconscious.

                4. JSPA*

                  I have one that’s been resurfacing (by one or another social network or communications method or via a friend he sought out) roughly every 3-5 years since the late 1980’s.

                  I used to think, “how long does it take to get a clue?”

                  By now it’s clearly either revisionist history (I left after a violent attack, why would I want to hear how he’s doing???) or hoping he can still yank my chain (yeah, I do get that “stepped in dog poo barefoot” feeling while hitting “delete”).

                5. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

                  Pardon, but what is this package? I can’t find anything in the letters or comments.

                  Anyway, glad you’re okay; hope things stay that way!

                6. Rowan*

                  It’s in the update letter. “even sent an anonymous package to my house a month before my wedding with books that only he would have thought I would have liked (it was confirmed sent by him when he was confronted about it)”.

                7. Observer*

                  I think, at this point, he is not interested in me romantically— it just strokes his ego if I show that he means anything to me anymore, good or bad.

                  That’s probably true. He might have other motivations as well, but I doubt that any of them include actually having a relationship with you.

    3. MK*

      I confess that, when I first read the letter (and assumed this was a simple “we had a fine relationship and then I find out he was a cheater”), I thought OP was overdramatizing the situation (especially the part about ruining Sarah’s professional life, as it sounded as if she has solid ties in the community and a separate work and social life from the boyfriend, and she could have stayed their and grown her career if she chose, it’s not as if the breakup caused her to lose her job). Now that I read how badly this guy behaved, I can understand OP’s reaction; sounds to me as if it was more about the anxiety his borderline-stalking caused her than the actual situation with Sarah.

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  3. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    WOW that’s a lot.

    Good for you for not wanting Sarah to be hurt because of the past. She shouldn’t be excluded, but she is not a shoe in for the job, even if the gala happens.

    As for your ex. This is very weird. Including how he reacted on seeing you. The fact he tried to continue the relationship after you ended it shows he is a problem. Now he’s in your neighborhood. Don’t change your life for him. But 1 – talk to your husband about it. I’m sure he already knows about the books, etc., so you can explain you saw him again. Then both ofyou be on the look out for any behavior from this guy trying to force a friendship. Do not be afraid to call the police if you feel unsafe. Will they do anything? No. But you’ll have a record so if you need a restraining order you can show the pattern.

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    1. NoBananaPants*

      I was about to post similar thoughts re: law enforcement. They won’t do anything about the guy right now but if he escalates in his behavior there will be a paper (or electronic) trail.

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    2. ferrina*

      Yes to all of this. LW sounds like an absolutely lovely, thoughtful and compassionate person. The more we learn about the ex, the scarier he sounds. That stalking sounds terrifying and traumatizing. Definitely loop in your husband and document.
      Sending LW hugs!

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    3. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      I’m honestly not trying to scare OP more but restraining orders are VERY hard to get and more often than not do not work.

      I wasn’t allowed one. The police claimed that since the guy hadn’t beaten me up recently that I was in no danger of my life. Additionally I know my stalker ex would feel really empowered that he’d got to me that badly.

      But go with your gut.

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      1. Letter Writer*

        I helped a family member get a restraining order against an abusive ex in the early 2010s. I am aware how difficult the process is. It wasn’t possible for my family member until an off-duty cop came to her rescue during an altercation in a parking lot.

        As the requirements now stand, my ex has never done anything to warrant a restraining order.

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      2. Restraining Order*

        As a counterpoint, I was just awarded a restraining order against an ex who has never hit me. All I will say is that courts are beginning to realize that domestic violence encompasses more behaviors than “just” physical violence. I got a restraining order because I was able to show that the threats against me constituted domestic abuse by coercive control. My lawyer was surprised I got the order, but I’m glad I made the effort to file for it even if I wasn’t 100% sure I’d be successful. If you are able, I suggest talking to a lawyer. The more written documentation you have (when you confronted your ex, was it via email or text?) the better. Hang in there. Fearing that an ex from your past will pop up at any moment is truly terrifying.

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    4. Catagorical*

      I haven’t read through to see how many recommended reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker ( if I’m recalling that correctly.) Probably available through the library/ebook, etc.

      And grey rock this guy, and document any encounters.

      LW, I am a fan of yours. Hope it all improves.

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  4. Dust Bunny*

    “I have sociopathic tendencies” probably means “you can’t hold me responsible for anything I did”, in an effort to head off you telling anyone he’s an a-hole, and possibly trying to leverage you into “being friends” again. Which might, in fact, mean he has sociopathic tendencies, but it’s beyond my scope of knowledge.

    Anyway, it’s kind of irrelevant because you know enough about whatever kind of person he is to know you don’t want to have anything to do with him.

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    1. Not a Girl Boss*

      Yeah I mean, maybe dude is a sociopath-lite.
      But so often in my life, aholes have told me “I have xyz personality disorder and therefor you cant ever expect me to take any personal accountability or make steps to grow as a human and be less of an ahole to you, you just have to accept my aholeness until the cows come home.” Basically, whenever there is a medical condition or otehr excuse, aholes will take advantage of it to gaslight people into accepting their ahole behavior.

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      1. 2 Cents*

        A former friend (VERY FORMER) liked so say “but I’m a narcissist!” as if that excused him from every d!ck!ish thing he did to … everyone. No, you’re just an @$$.

        OP, I’m sorry you spent so much time with this guy. You did the right thing by telling his fiancee, and I think you can forgive yourself because if you’d known he was with someone, you wouldn’t have dated him. You can’t control whether she forgives you or not, but you can forgive yourself.

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        1. Testing*

          And even if one is actually a narcissist, sociopath, etc: I have no obligation to remain your friend/partner/anything. Even if a diagnosis might explain some things, it does not take away my right to decide for myself.

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          1. I Have RBF*

            This. You can have a diagnosed disorder and still chose NOT to be an ahole. Yes, it’s harder, but not impossible. Look at all the high functioning sociopaths running companies…

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            1. Velawciraptor*

              Exactly. A diagnosis is not absolution. It’s a starting point to figure out how to make changes in how you move in the world.

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          3. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

            Very agreed. My mind is prone to detach from reality but I do not expect anyone to put up with my behaviour when it goes off the rails.

            And I’ve had enough ‘it’s not my fault I’m creepy, I have X disorder and can’t understand women’ to last me several Vulcan lifetimes.

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            1. Not a Girl Boss*

              Shudders in *remembrance of that time in middle school where I was told no one was going to stop that boy from touching my butt every time I got on the school bus because he had autism and didn’t know what he was doing and couldn’t be expected to behave any differently*

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          4. Elbe*

            Exactly. There are so many people who think that people are obligated to tolerate them as long as they’re not intentionally a “bad person.” And that is just 100% untrue.

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    2. Person from the Resume*

      It is likely the line “I have sociopathic tendencies” is absolute BS.

      I am not an expert but just finished an incredibly enlightening book Sociopath: A Memoir by Patric Gagne. The author is a sociopath and a PHD who has studied and contributed to research on the topic.

      She is not a bad person and really really struggled with not reacting as “normal” people did. OTOH she does get angry about people who are simply selfish, uncaring, cruel claiming sociopathy when they are just jerks.

      Two-timing cheaters can just be selfish jerks without bringing a clinical diagnosis.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        That book was so interesting! Who knows what the ex’s deal is, I would encourage OP to speculate as little as possible. I hope she will not encounter him often again. After ten years, he’s hopefully moved on too, whatever axis his personality.

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      2. fhqwhgads*

        It might be BS and the dude trying to not have any accountability for himself. But if someone said “I have sociopathic tendencies” to me, I might also take that sentence as a threat. Depends on how it was said. So it’s not really about any kind of clinical diagnosis at all.

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        1. Letter Writer*

          It wasn’t a threat. It seemed more like an excuse. I think he also thought it would make me more sympathetic towards him. I went the opposite route and freaked out, telling him to get away from me, and reminding him that many serial killers are sociopaths.

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    3. Ally McBeal*

      It’s projection, if anything. My mother used to scold me for my lack of empathy toward her, and only just admitted two years ago that SHE was not taught empathy by HER parents. I know that I am an empathetic person generally and have known since my teenage years that she lacks it (a scary quality to lack as a psych nurse!), so when she lobbed that at me I just rolled my eyes and wrote it off as manipulation.

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  5. Observer*

    I’m so glad that you are in therapy. And I’m so sorry that you are still dealing with this piece of putrid garbage.

    You don’t feel safe, because he is in fact not a safe person. Even if he knows better than to physically attack you, he *wants* you to feel unsettled and unsafe. He will push as much as he can get away with.

    “Living well is the best revenge.” It’s actually true with someone like that.

    If you are high up enough in your organization, you should have the ability to send him packing if he comes to your workplace. And even if not, it sounds like you boss has your back and knows that this guy has an unsavory reputation. If you tell him that Creeper actually seems to have *low key stalked you, I am sure he’d be on board with never even considering him and having him shown off the premises if he showed up uninvited.

    *Or maybe no so low key. Each individual thing MIGHT be “coincidence”, but the list together? Very concerning. I do not think that his house purchase was a coincidence *at all*. Please have a talk with your husband about safety. The best thing you can do is to not interact with him at all, even if he greets you in public. But at the same time, you also don’t know exactly how he might behave. So, you unfortunately should probably make sure that you have decent security at home. Good locks, an alarm system, highly visible cameras and some not so visible cameras that he won’t see (so he won’t disable them if he decides to amp things up.)

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    1. The gourmet cupcake*

      Yes, if your company has a receptionist, I would advise them not to let in AtomicBombToxic Coworker. Also you might want to warn your kids about ABT Coworker, because I wouldn’t trust him within 20 feet of any of your kids. It sucks that you have to be extra vigilant because of him, and it is so not fair. Don’t let fear overtake your life, but also don’t neglect your or your family’s security.

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  6. LovelyTresses*

    Oh wow OP! In your original letter, you mostly focused on breaking the news to Sarah and the fallout, but reading more details about the incessant contact from our ex — and now with him living so close to you — it’s super understandable why this loomed, and looms, so large in your head. So glad you have therapy, a great spouse, and a great community to support you. I hope your ex stays FAR FAR away from you. And ignoring him as if you don’t see him is a good way to continue on. Sending good vibes!

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  7. NotBatman*

    You don’t know what you’re so afraid of => how about that this shitty guy is going to continue to be shitty? He has harassed you repeatedly since you broke up, treated you terribly when you were together, and revealed himself to be an absolute garbage human. Being afraid is the most rational thing in the world. OP, I am so sorry this person made his way into your life, and I hope you never have to see him ever again.

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    1. Frieda*

      I’m not normally one to sing the praises of Ring doorbells or the like, but this is a situation where I personally would feel some peace of mind by having a security system that I could rely on and cameras I could check remotely.

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    3. boof*

      Yes this calls for maybe having someone professionally help a little; even a 1 time session; and hopefully give the security at the place you work a heads up OP. You get to control the narrative if you know this guy has harassed you in the past and now you’re having sightings of him. I’m not seeing any red flags for physical violence (see gift of fear; has it’s problems but also has some very practical advice).
      All I can say is when I had a stalker, I tried hard to laugh it off, and that usually worked for me, but when I was getting to the point where it was over but I had occ tunnel vision/fight or flight reflexes to a few things that reminded me of the guy, just having one talk with someone who validated how traumatic the experience really was just… helped. I didn’t end up really needing any of the therapy just being able to have a moment to admit that yeah, that was maybe life and death and maybe that’s scary was a release. lot of unhelpful people.
      OP I can’t say what resource would suit you and the best thing is to ask around and accept things that are helpful, dump things that aren’t; but consider looking into domestic violence resources near you (even if it’s in the past what they did was a form of domestic abuse, so they might know good people for you to talk to or who can help make sure you have a plan on what to do if he starts trying to butt into your life again), and security / stalker resources near you, and mental health resources near you. It might be prudent to give your workplace a heads up that a manipulative stalker from your past is in town, as well as your husband +/- any local HOA associations and the like that you have.

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  8. HugeTractsofLand*

    You are doing so well with a bad situation! The way you handled the Sarah situation with your boss was calm and straightforward, and I suggest you use some therapy sessions to find an equally calm and straightforward response you can use to shut down your ex if/when you see him again. You do not need to let this man into any aspect of your life, even though it’s possible you’ll see him over the course of your life. His past bad behavior all reflects badly on *him*, not you. I wish you the very best, and I hope you have lots of people in your life who support you.

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  9. Ilima*

    I’m downloading that podcast. So sorry you have had to go through all this! It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job with everything.

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  10. HonorBox*

    OP, your ex may be just another dude you used to know who has now moved into the community you live in. And there may be nothing to be worried about because he may also not want to interact with you. The double take could just be that he recognized your car and had no idea you were there in town. But you also don’t want to interact with him, so at the very least give your husband and friends a heads up and discuss specific marching orders to run interference if they happen to see him at the library or store or park when you’re there. Your ex sucks and I’m sorry you’re now going through something else with this piece of crap.

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  11. A Simple Narwhal*

    I’m so glad to hear an update on this one, this letter has stuck with me.

    It really sounds like the ex was a real piece of work. I really hope he stays the hell away and the grocery store meeting and house location are truly unfortunate coincidences.

    Also, claiming to have sociopathic tendencies? Maybe that’s true but in practice it seems to be a way to say “I can be a jerk and you’re not allowed to be mad or hold me responsible for it.”.

    Best of luck OP! It sounds like you’re otherwise living a great life, one that is well-deserved. Sending all the good thoughts and warm wishes your way.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah, I understand why that comment sticks in OP’s head, but it could mean so many things. “I don’t feel as guilty as I probably should when I hurt people” is a useful observation for the Ex to have made, for themselves, or discuss in therapy, with not-you, when you are far away living your best life with your way better partner. It also definitely does not mean he is an actual sociopath at all.

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  12. Bananapants*

    Just want to send you big hugs, OP. This situation sucks and I’m so sorry your ex is still nearby and being creepy/weird. I can only imagine how stressful it is to know you might bump into him randomly.

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  14. You’re doing great*

    Oh, OP, big hugs to you!! That is tough, but it sounds like you’re doing great. I wish you so much luck.

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  15. learnedthehardway*

    OP – you are not the person responsible for ruining Sarah’s life. You never were. The person responsible is the person who cheated on her, and who also deceived and cheated on you.

    You acted in good faith. Being lied to does not make you responsible for the outcomes. It’s very nice of you to care that Sarah was badly affected by your (and her) ex’s behaviour, but please do not carry guilt or shame for what your ex did. That’s his guilt/shame to carry. The fact that he doesn’t do so in no way obligates you to do that for him.

    Sometimes, we want to feel in control of things, even if that means we feel guilty about things for which we were not responsible. It’s psychologically easier for our subconscious to live with misattributed self-recriminations than it is to admit to ourselves that we could not control what happened to us. Being not in control of our lives is terrifying. Only when you unpack and look at things consciously can you realize that it’s more damaging to yourself to accept guilt/shame than to accept that what happened to you was not within your ability to control.

    I would suggest that you explore this with your therapist – I’m sure they will have some insights and tools to help you get more comfortable with this reality.

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    1. The gourmet cupcake*

      In a small town, everyone knows everything. I can imagine Sarah not making it a secret about her ex cheating, and word traveled through the grapevine.

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    3. Ellis Bell*

      It sounds like Sarah shared her reasons for moving away. I had to make some big decisions when my husband cheated on me; it’s a much more sudden change to your circumstances than if your relationship slowly grows apart. In my case it was easier to share my reasons for some about-turns, so lots of people knew. It wasn’t a problem to be forthright with people I had close working relationships with. It also sounds like a small town…

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    4. Cafe au Lait*

      Small towns, and people talk. I moved to a smaller town and joined some community social groups in the area. I’ve found out all the gossip by saying nothing more than “Oh?” when someone references a situation vaguely.

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    5. Selina Luna*

      This is a small town, and I’ve heard in my small town of several instances of a supposedly good marriage suddenly falling apart because of cheating. In all but one case, the person who was cheated on was the one who told the rest of the town about the cheating, and in at least one case, it was because people were coming after them for imploding the marriage. The cheater was lying about the reasons for the relationship ending, so the victim of cheating tells people what happened so people would stop blaming them for ending the relationship.

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    6. Meaningful hats*

      I live and work in a small town much like OP’s. I have coworkers who remember and still talk about me tripping and falling at the elementary school recital in 1997 because their children were also in the recital and they were in attendance.

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  17. Aloha*

    Here’s what I did with a very similar ex (who also cheated on me after ten years of marriage, who also became stalkery and wanted to stay best friends; consequence dodger basically). I threw out any gifts/notes that came anonymously without comment or reaction, and told trusted people not to send anything that could be mistaken for this “I’m dealing with some stalkery tendencies from ex, so a surprise is going to be alarming”. His emails and voice messages went to accounts that were not monitored (but he didn’t know this, he just thought I was unresponsive). I also asked trusted people not to pass on information about me to him (or anyone in his circle) or vice versa, because I don’t like having triggers. I told security officers at work that I was no contact with an ex, and could they make sure they didn’t admit a person who matched his description and gave them a photo (Since your ex is in your field and could pretend to have legitimate work, I would loop in your boss first if you do anything similar). I once accidentally answered the door to him, but I had already decided I was happy to slam it shut on him in advance, which I did. I liked to be aware of his general location, (and I approve of you knowing where he lives), because it meant I could be prepared for run ins and plan how to move around the area. My plan has always been to turn heel and leave any area or room he entered; unfortunately the first time it came up he invited himself to my father’s (public) funeral, so I ignored him until I could ask someone to get him to leave under the guise of there being a list of invitees. Enlist as many helpers as possible and ignore him as much as humanly possible. Take great care of yourself and don’t be brave or private if you need extra eyes on this.

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  18. Mermaid of the Lunacy*

    I hope OP gets a security system and trusts her spidey senses. It took me way too long to recognize the signs of an unstable ex. I ended up with a two-year legal battle and a 10-year restraining order. I kept talking myself out of him having bad intentions until they (literally) showed up on my doorstep in the middle of the night. You never think an extreme situation will happen to you until it does. And my ex was 2000 miles away. This one is within walking distance. All it takes is one bad night of drinking for something to happen. I’m just asking OP to be vigilant and if things don’t feel right, trust those feelings.

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  19. MassMatt*

    “I don’t feel safe interacting with him, although I couldn’t tell you what I am afraid of, exactly.”

    Listen to that feeling! Sadly, many people, women especially, either don’t get these feelings or are convinced they should ignore them. This warning system cannot be bought for any amount of money.

    This ex was a sleaze both to you and to Sarah. He pressed unwanted contact on you under the guise of work, and trampled on your boundaries. This is stalker behavior. And he described himself as a borderline sociopath! Red flag!
    Maybe he is done bothering you, maybe not, creepy stalkers can hold on to their obsessions for a long time. Stay in therapy; if your therapist is not experienced in dealing with this type of trauma maybe get a referral to someone who is.

    I would recommend explaining what is going on to your husband if you haven’t already, so he knows what is going on in case he encounters this guy around town or in the neighborhood.

    Thanks for the update, and best of luck to you!

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    1. Elbe*

      Agreed.

      It’s not much of a logical leap to think that someone who has a history of mistreating women and breaking a ton of social norms may be capable of other mistreatment in the future. There is something wrong with this guy, especially if he thinks that someone he has mistreated so horribly should want to be friends. Friends!

      LW should listen to her gut. What we call a “gut feeling” isn’t actually a feeling – it’s a conclusion that we’ve reached even though we are unable to articulate how we reached that conclusion. And that can be really valuable! You can still get the right answer even when you’re not able to show your work, so to speak. Gut ‘feelings’ tend to be extremely useful in situations where the evidence available tends to boil down to mannerisms, behavior patterns, and smaller cues that build up over time.

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  20. Skytext*

    This update gives a whole new perspective on why Sarah was so quick to shut down her business, sell her house, and move out of state. OP, you didn’t “ruin” her life, you possibly saved her life! Maybe she knew about his sociopathic tendencies and stalkerish behavior, and just wanted to get as far away from him as possible. You were with him for 10 years while she was also with him, plus she was with him before, so longer than 10 years. But she never talked to you, and he never talked to you about her (I guess until you found out?) so for all you know, maybe they broke up and got back together multiple times during that period. Maybe he went all stalkerish during those breaks, and she then let herself be drawn back into the relationship. Maybe your visit/reveal was the final push she needed, and she knew she had to get away from there/him in order to truly make a clean break.

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Ooh true I hadn’t considered it from that angle. There could potentially be a part of the story OP doesn’t know here. But honestly I think there’s not much recommendation for what OP should do differently other than stay alert and trust your gut if things start to feel weird, but also try not to give him more brain space than he deserves, which is a really, really tough line to strike (as me how I know :( ).

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  22. Bird Law*

    I know there are concerning things in the update with the continued proximity of this disastrous man, but there is so much more to applaud. I can really see the LW has come a long way in accepting that she was one of the wronged parties and not the wrongdoer. The way she handled the event invitation with her boss was so fantastic!

    As an aside, the way I see it is that the LW saved both herself and Sarah from any more misery at the hands of this person by doing something very hard in confronting her. I do sense that the LW hopes that she and Sarah can connect in solidarity over the wreckage the man left in both their lives, and I am really proud of the LW for seeking therapy because that does not seem reciprocated.

    Wishing you a very happy life with your husband and child! You did good, and you got this from here. <3

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  23. Letter Writer*

    LW here. I am touched by everyone’s concerns about my ex’s stalkerish behavior, but I want to clarify something— most of it happened before I married my husband four years ago. He did show up at my workplace less than two years ago, but he was interviewing for my position as I worked out my notice. He did not get the job. I don’t think I am in any actual physical danger from him. Just psychological.

    I think most of that stalkerish behavior was because he knew I wasn’t over the relationship after I broke up with him. I was still in love with the person he had presented himself to be for me, and I was hurting. He took advantage of this by trying to shower me with attention and fake declarations of love and gifts—which I welcomed at first, but quickly realized that I could never love or trust this man again.

    When I got engaged to my husband my ex really tried to contact me under the guise of being a friend. I think he still thought I loved him and it would stoke his ego if I cheated on my husband with him. I did not take the bait, and had the pleasure of telling him to F*** off a month before my wedding when he sent that anonymous package to my house.

    Word on the grapevine is he’s been i. other relationships since our breakup. The only concerning thing is some of this stalkerish behavior did happen while he was probably with some of these other women. But, again, I think trying to pursue me was more of an ego thing than because he actually *wants* to be with me at this point. But whatever. God help the poor women he may be with now.

    The house he bought in my town (NOT the same town where I work) makes sense for him. Walkable part of town, cheap, no yard to upkeep, near relatives and hobbies of his, somewhat reasonable driving distance to his work, if he’s still working for a company he used to work for. I do tend to lean toward it being coincidence. But I don’t want him trying to strike up a convo with me when I’m just trying to get milk and eggs like we’re old friends. I don’t want to run into him when I’m taking a walk.

    I do want to get more security for my house. My only issue is my husband. He knows how badly my relationship with my ex damaged me. However, he thinks my ex was a cheating scumbag, but not someone to be feared, and anything I feel about the ex now is 1. Overreaction and 2. Proof I am still in love with him. Honestly I’d like the cameras just to check that our dog walker is actually coming to the house, but whatever.

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    1. Letter Writer*

      That being said, when you find out that the person you were dating for ten years and planning to marry has an entirely second life you knew nothing about, it makes you wonder how much you really know this person. He was never physically abusive, but he abused me emotionally, mentally, and sexually. The showing up at my workplace four months before my marriage (when he could have gone to a similar business closer to him for the service he was looking for) and sending the package to my house to an address that he should not have known are what scare me the most. I don’t know what he intended, because I never knew him to begin with—so I can’t accurately judge whether the actions were meant to be harmful. He hasn’t done anything since, but I avoid that grocery store as much as possible now and don’t take my child to the playground closest to us anymore, just in case.

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      1. T.N.H*

        Your husband doesn’t want to get security cameras because it’s proof you still love your ex? Sorry, if I’m reading that right, it’s very concerning.

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      2. Observer*

        That being said, when you find out that the person you were dating for ten years and planning to marry has an entirely second life you knew nothing about, it makes you wonder how much you really know this person.

        Yes. This is 100% correct.

        What I’m wondering about is why your husband does not see that? And why he does not see that in combination with Ex’s trying to contact you and showing up to your work as being anything to be concerned about.

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    2. Observer*

      anything I feel about the ex now is 1. Overreaction and 2. Proof I am still in love with him

      Oh wow. I’m sorry that your husband is being so obnoxious. It’s a perfect example of why women have such a hard time dealing with harassment.

      Please find a marriage therapist with *lots* of experience with people who have been in abusive relationships in the past. Then drag your husband to a couple of sessions. Because his reaction is truly out of line. Hopefully a competent professional will set him straight.

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    3. Momma Bear*

      You should talk to your therapist about how to address this with your spouse. He knows you were hurt by this relationship and invalidates how you feel. This does not bode well. You shouldn’t have to present him a lie to get the cameras if they make you feel safe.

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    4. boof*

      Kudos and while I don’t see any red flags for your ex to come at you in what you say either, I also don’t know why your husband wouldn’t support you in things that make you feel better / if he actually appreciates how hurtful and crazymaking that is. I mean, I guess some security systems are expensive and hard to install, but still, that’s a very different discussion on how to /practically/ support you – not “oh I guess you still have feelings for him” – gross!

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  24. Moose*

    This guy still has so much power in the lives of two women. It’s outrageous. He’s still potentially costing Sarah good work and now he’s stalking OP. Wow. Sorry you’re going through it, OP.

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  26. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

    A book recommendation is ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. It’s of course heavy going but I found it has less problematic chapters than ‘The gift of fear’. It’s an insight into the different strategies that men use to scare and control women.

    I hope you continue to trust your gut. If something is telling you to fear this guy it’s likely for a reason.

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    1. boof*

      If I recall, the one thing I liked about the gift of fear is it had a safety checklist / list of red flags for like, high risk of physical violence. I don’t think “why does he do that” had that. That checklist helped me decide if I was being “dramatic” or really needed to be careful (the latter)

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  27. FattyMPH*

    About a year after the breakup, I ran into the jerk who cheated on my bestie & the jerk tried to say hi. I shocked myself by looking in their eyes and just saying “No.” I was probably making a face like I smelled something nasty. I just share this as an option to keep in your back pocket for next time you cross paths with him.

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    1. Elbe*

      I had a similar experience with a friend’s truly horrible ex. It seems that people who are incredibly devoid of empathy tend to consider the people that they’ve hurt as friends. They’ll act like nothing is wrong even though they’ve just done the worst, coldest thing you’ve ever heard of.

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  28. Nathan*

    You sound like you’ve done a great job working through a terrible situation.

    One piece of advice — if my wife were in your situation and I didn’t believe she was right to be afraid, I hope someone would talk some sense into me. Fear is not a rational emotion and you don’t have to logically justify your feelings for them to be valid and actionable. I’m not even saying that your fear is irrational; I’m saying that it doesn’t matter to this conversation. If you are feeling afraid and in need of cameras / a security system in order to feel more at peace, I hope that he will come around and let you get that.

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  29. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I’m so happy that the OP is getting the help she needs. Although I’ve never experienced anything like this I know how it can be when an old abuser pops up somewhere (or you think you see them.)

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  30. Put the Human Back in HR*

    I dealt with a similar situation. I’m offering something I did because it worked for me. I had a red Mazda Miata convertible. I loved that car, she had a name and a personalized license plate, and to me she had a fun and carefree personality. People would come up to me to talk about her, usually young adults or senior citizens. I don’t know why it was those demographics because I was in neither one :) After breaking up with an abusive ex, I was in a large shopping mall parking lot with my Miata. He drove up to my car because he recognized it. I locked my doors and got away. I gave the car to my brother, who at that time lived about 850 miles away. I bought a nondescript car that I still drive to this day. I hated getting rid of the car “because” of that abusive jerk. But I was glad to stay under the radar. Happy ending, I never saw that guy again AND my brother takes such good care of that car that I think she looks better now than the day I gave her to him!

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  31. Momma Bear*

    OP, I hope you get a quick therapy session to work through this new revelation. I also hope that it becomes like a situation I had – I literally lived a few streets from a boss that I…did not like. We ran into each other once over the years at the grocery store and never again. You might encourage your spouse to come shop with you for a bit if that makes you feel better. Or do delivery/curbside.

    Given that you have experience with him showing up at work, give HR/your boss a head’s up. Just a quick, “I just found out that someone who talked me in the past lives nearby so if he shows up here don’t let him in/confirm I work here.” Be factual and calm. Sometimes fear comes from just not knowing what to do so doing a small thing helps.

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  32. LizB*

    OP, I object to your characterization of what went down as a “torrid love triangle”! A love triangle is when Alex, Bob, and Charlie all know about each other and there’s an overt who-will-Bob-choose drama happening. What you (and Sarah) experienced is being duped and abused by a truly shittastic excuse for a human being. Your phrasing makes it sound like you still think you had an active part in doing a bad thing, which is simply not the case. I’m glad you’re getting support to work through the damage your ex did, and wish you all the best.

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  33. Alice Paul*

    Shout out to “Don’t Send Your Kids to Hudson University” for the great advice and the great username. As a fellow Law and Order fan* my wife and I often say we would never send our kids there – too much crime!

    *I assume L&O is where the username comes from? Apologies if not.

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  34. Bruce*

    Just want to second the comments that LW did not ruin this woman’s life, their mutual ex did. I hope she’s moved on happily and that he stays away from the LW…

    Reply ↓

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