I’m frustrated that my coworkers with kids work less than me, but I don’t want to cut back

by Alison Green on November 19, 2024

A reader writes:

I’m 25 and working in a passion career. I love it! I’m not burned out, and I don’t want to work less. My manager gives us all flexibility and grace. And yet … it still bothers me when my parenting peers work a fraction of my hours for the same (or more) pay.

My unit consists of three coworkers—all parents—and me. My manager prides himself on being flexible around parenting, so the disparity in workload can be extreme. I work 9am-5pm. My coworkers work 10am-4pm. I am on call in the early morning and on weekends. My coworkers aren’t. I am expected to attend the events we (I) plan. One of my coworkers bails often with no repercussions. We share a job description, but my closest coworker makes $30,000 more than me because she advocated for a raise to pay for her child’s expenses. (My organization does not offer raises. My boss lobbied for my coworker anyway because of the kid thing.)

I hate that I feel this way, but I’m so demoralized. I feel especially for my closest coworker — she’s parenting alone and in debt. I adore her interpersonally, and I want her to get the support she needs. But I’m struggling to stem my own resentment.

In the past, you’ve focused your answers to childfree people on how to avoid picking up an excess amount of slack. I actually don’t have a problem with my workload, and I don’t want to work less. If I needed flexibility, I think my manager would grant it to me. I just want … company, I guess? For someone else to do the work with me? Our work is supposed to be collaborative, and it functions better that way. It feels silly to type, but I feel almost lonely. How can I reframe this situation for myself? Should I talk to my manager, and if yes, how? I really want to be reasonable and kind, and I worry that this emotion I’m having is neither.

It’s not silly to feel lonely when you are quite literally working alone a good chunk of the time.

And it’s absolutely unfair for someone to make $30,000 (!) more than you for the same work because she has a child and you don’t … and even more so if you’re doing more work than she is.

However, normally when people see parents treated differently than non-parents, the frustration is that non-parents aren’t offered the same flexibility for their own needs — they’re not permitted to come in late or leave early with the same frequency or ease, or it’s a much bigger battle for them to be able to miss an event.

In your case, it sounds like you could have similar flexibility if you wanted it, but you don’t want it.

So I think it would help to think about what would feel like a satisfying solution to you. Do you want your coworkers with kids to have less flexibility? (I’m guessing you don’t.) Do you want them to work more hours? (I suspect this may be yes.) Do you just want to feel like you’re not the only one who’s always there? (I suspect this is yes too.)

If any of this is genuinely causing work issues — like if you can’t ever come in late without specifically arranging coverage because someone needs to be on-site during business hours and everyone assumes that will always be you, or if you’re not able to get answers from colleagues when you need them, or if it’s just become a strain to be the only person reliably at events — those are things you can raise with your manager. If you don’t want to be on-call outside of work hours anymore, you can raise that to her, too. All of that would be reasonable and fair to bring up, and to ask to see change.

If it’s none of that and it’s just that it feels unfair but you don’t want to pull back on your side to better match everyone else’s level, then you should ask to be compensated for your higher level of contribution. At a minimum, you should point out that you’re the only person who’s on-call in early mornings and weekends and the only one reliably staffing events, and you should ask for a raise or a bonus that reflects that.

In other words, think about what can change on your side to make this more fair, rather than focusing on changing theirs. Since you don’t want more flexibility or less work, ask for more money instead. You’re earning that.

But that might or might not get at the crux of your loneliness, which is that you’re more focused on the team’s work than your coworkers are. If money wouldn’t fix your feelings about that part, it’s something that you can probably only change by going elsewhere.

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{ 235 comments }

{ 235 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. DeskApple*

    Regardless of the company’s history of giving raises, OP is more reliable, for far more hours. That itself is enough black and white evidence to present to the company and see what they say. As Alison says, give them ample evidence, and then stop talking. List all of the times you’ve attended things they’ve bailed on, and provide documented hour differences.

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    1. Cmdrshprd*

      “OP is more reliable, for far more hours.”

      One thing to note though is they might be in the same position/job description but how much experience/seniority does each person have? If OP is 25, it is likely they have only been in this job for 2-3 years if this was their first job. How long has coworker, earning $30k more, been with the company and how much experience do they have?

      More hours does not necessarily equal more or better work. Maybe coworker is more experienced and able to get the same amount of work in between 10 am to 4 pm that OP is doing in 9 am to 5 pm.

      Some of the on call hours and working events are valid things to bring up, but OP should raise it in cutting back on the work they do for it rather than insisting that other do the same.

      It is possible the raise was entirely because of childcare expenses, but I think more likely that may have been one of the reasons used. I kinda doubt that the higher ups/management gave them a raise solely for child care reasons. I suspect that coworker has been there for a while and is a good employee.

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      1. Cookie Monster*

        Still, even if that person has more experience or seniority, $30k is a HUGE difference. I don’t think more experience fully justifies that gap.

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        1. Pescadero*

          At my first job out of college – the range within my positions was approximately $50K-$150K depending on experience.

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        2. Cmdrshprd*

          Eh, I think depending on the salary/pay level it might not be.

          If OP is making $30k and coworker is making $60k I agree. But if the salary/pay level is in the six figure level it might not be an unreasonable difference. Is OP getting $100k and coworker getting $130k? It is only 30% more.

          Depending on work quality and output it may be reasonable. If OP has been there for 2-3 years and it takes OP 8 hrs to make one B grade teapot, but coworker has been there for 8-10 years (without a single raise) and is able to make 1.5, A grade teapots in 6 hours then the discrepancy may be warranted.

          Job description is not the only metric, it should be a baseline IE people with 0 experience with the same job description are making the same. But after a while the same job description does not mean two people perform at the same level.

          I think OP can have valid reasons to push for a raise based on being sole person working on call and/or events, maybe the hours 8 vs 6. In a I don’t mind picking up the slack but want to be compensated for it. But OP should be prepared for company to say, we would rather you cut back on how much slack you pick up and we won’t give you a raise.

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          1. StarTrek Nutcase*

            I think there’s a fallacy in assuming the more experienced (and higher paid) employee working fewer hours is justified by they can do the same or more work in those fewer hours. IME with experience and thus better pay comes the expectation of a larger (quantity or difficulty) workload. Here it seems in fact this isn’t true – same work but better pay.

            In any event, I think OP is on a path to burnout and/or resentment. Sure right now she doesn’t want to back off on workload, but what happens when 6 mins from now her personal life changes (not kid related) and she wants to back off? I’ve been in that situation and management’s perception was “I” was now slacking despite proof to the contrary. My management sucked and it appears OP’s might also.

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        3. someone*

          I make at least $25k more than brand new hires. And they’ll probably make that much once they’re here for 15 years.

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      2. Elephant*

        I came here to say this! Someone who is 25 may be working more hours than a 35 year old parent taking advantage of flexible scheduling, but that second person has a decade more of experience and institutional knowledge. (Theoretically. That might not be true.) They may quite literally not need to work as many hours to produce the same product.

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        1. Chirpy*

          I was in a similar situation in my mid-20s. I had more seniority there than everyone else in the office- including the director! and I couldn’t get any flex time or get my coworkers (who were 10+ years older and all had kids) to stop assuming I would work all weekend events or have *anyone at all* stay with me until close. I regularly worked the last 2 hours of the day alone, in a basement office with no way to alert backup if a creepy person came in off the street (and I was not allowed to lock the doors as it was our regular office hours.)

          I was also the only one with knowledge/ degree in our direct mission, but in the end they all convinced the board to get rid of my position entirely to add two assistant bookkeepers. And then they had to call me the next week because nobody else could do an event booked months in advance. So, in my case, no, the older parents did NOT have more experience despite the fact I was like 26.

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          1. Cmdrshprd*

            “So, in my case, no, the older parents did NOT have more experience despite the fact I was like 26.”

            Not saying being older always means they will have more experience/seniority, I’ve known people who switch careers in their 40s/50s. Sometimes people can have more experience and less seniority, or more seniority and less experience.

            But mainly just wanted to flag other possibilities/reasons why coworker may have been given a big raise that is not just kids.

            Sometimes people assume reasons something was done, but those are not the actual reasons.

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            1. Chirpy*

              Yeah, and I wanted to flag that sometimes, it really is the young person who is highly qualified and does more work, and not the older ones.

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            2. Lenora Rose*

              In this case the letter says the company doesn’t normally give raises but did for the one coworker because of their kids.

              Now, it may be the manager advocating for the raise has been trying all along to get this coworker a raise, and the kid was what finally let it happen, but it’s still clear the business as a whole prioritized it due to being a parent.

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        2. Rebecca*

          Yes! I worked with new teachers who thought I was lazy and not as passionate as them because I was able to leave at 4:30 every day. I’d been teachign for 17 years at that point, I’d gotten lesson planning and grading very streamlined. I knew exactly what needed to be done to do a good job and what was extra, and I got good at doing it quickly.

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      3. not nice, don't care*

        I have a newish coworker who can’t seem to understand that folks who have been here longer often informally work out flexibility and better working conditions than newer employees. Instead of sorting out a plan to become one of the more privileged long-timers, she just does crappy work and bails on shift coverage.
        Super frustrating when people have tried explaining how she too can acquire more informal privileges, but are met with tears and tantrums.

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    2. Librarian*

      One thing I’m not sure about: is OP expected or required to work these hours, or is she putting in extra time because she wants to? If she’s expected to work x number of hours per week and she’s putting in 2x isn’t that on her?

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      1. Beth*

        It sounds like at least some of these–being present for events the team is planning, being on call in off hours–are actual duties that someone on the team would have to do no matter what. Even if we assume OP could get away with working 10-4 as their standard schedule and works 9-5 as a matter of personal passion, if they’re the only one doing the on-call time and the only one reliably showing up to events, then they are doing more required hours than their colleagues.

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    3. Beth*

      Yes, OP, please ask for a raise and see what happens.

      It sounds like you have two core problems here. One is doing work alone when you expected it to be collaborative. That’s unlikely to change, at least in the short term. You can’t realistically expect your team members to work more hours when they’re clearly choosing not to and mangement clearly supports them in that. And you’ve said you don’t want to cut back to match their level of engagement. That means you need to expect to have hours where you’re working solo.

      The other problem is that you’re not feeling appreciated, even though you work more hours and are more reliably available than your colleagues. And that IS solvable, if your employer wants to solve it! You have a solid case to ask for a big raise here. Point to the extra 10 hours a week you’re working compared to the rest of your team. Point to your complete ownership of on-call duties. Point to your attendance record for off-hours events. Ask for your compensation to reflect the level of contribution that you’re bringing to the team.

      If your company tells you that they don’t do raises, or offers a small raise that doesn’t make you feel like the work you do is fully appreciated, start job hunting. It sounds like you’ve built up a record of hard work and accomplishments in this role–if your current employer doesn’t value that, another organization in your field will.

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  2. I should really pick a name*

    my closest coworker makes $30,000 more than me because she advocated for a raise to pay for her child’s expenses

    Have you tried pushing for a raise?

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      1. Trotwood*

        It’s incredibly problematic for OP’s employer to be granting raises based on their perception of their employees’ need rather than on an assessment of fair salaries for the positions. Is no one in management recognizing that they could be exposing themselves to all sorts of potential wage discrimination issues by doing that?

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        1. Cmdrshprd*

          That might be OP thinking that was the reason for the raise, and maybe even coworker/boss mentioned those, but management gave coworker a raise because they have been there for a while, are a good/great employee, and they asked/pushed for a raise.

          What people perceive as the reason for something is not always the same as the actual reason for that thing.

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    2. ferrina*

      I agree that OP should ask for a raise, but if the coworker actually used the logic “I have a child” in order to get a raise, that is some serious issues with the company. Raises should be based on value or work, not on family status.

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      1. Paulina*

        This organization doesn’t give raises. The manager pushed for the single-parent coworker to get one anyway, which basically sounds like “we don’t give raises but we have to pay this person more in order to keep her, because we understand that her expenses are higher.”

        And yes the end result is unfair, but that’s what happens in an organization that runs on its employees’ passion for the work rather than paying properly and giving raises when appropriate and deserved. They should also see that appropriate pay and fair working conditions are essential for keeping key staff like OP, but somehow they do not. Since “no raises” is expressed by OP as such a fundamental part of the organization, it doesn’t sound like she’s going to be able to change that.

        OP is going to have to leave anyway, because this organization doesn’t give raises, so she needs to start getting her ducks in a row for an eventual exit. She’s already the most regularly visible at events, so that’s good. She needs to look at where else she wants to go and what would help her get there, and build her network.

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        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          The fact that the org doesn’t give raises jumped way out at me. WHAT??? That’s unreal. That in and of itself would have me running for the hills. Not entirely sure what OP means by “passion career” but if that means all the pay everywhere is pretty low, that’s most unfortunate, but hopefully OP has learned enough at this job that they can find work somewhere else for more pay.

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  3. WellRed*

    I’m side eyeing your organization here for the pay disparity as well as lack of managing employees. Parents or not, it sounds dysfunctional. Some of this is also in your power to change, like the hours and on call availability. Either do it or don’t but don’t complain about it or don your martyr hat.

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      2. Liz*

        If this is actually true and OP isn’t just martyring themselves to feel righteous it sounds like a small family business who has no idea how to manage people

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      3. AngryOctopus*

        I would be 0% surprised to learn that the company told the other workers “we hired OP to be on call so you don’t have to”.

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      4. Lenora Rose*

        This.

        For many companies, if a parent leaves early/works fewer hours in the day, they are doing so via flex time where they sign on again after kids are in bed, or some such. A common way to make up for it would be to be available for events, where they can arrange with spouses when relevant, or get childcare.

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    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Yeah, as I was reading this, I was thinking the parent stuff is a red herring (aside from the $30k raise which was explicitly about someone having a child). There’s a lot of other stuff going on here where the boss isn’t balancing the workload across the team and I wouldn’t even really bring up the parents/kids stuff since ultimately most of these problems would still be issues even if the colleagues weren’t parents.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        Yeah this! I see how OP got there, but honestly the issue is not that your coworkers are parents. It’s that you’re being stuck with an inappropriate workload and underpaid to boot. The fact that you don’t feel burned out yet isn’t the point – those extra hours you’re working deserve to be either given back to you or paid for.

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        1. Chirpy*

          Eh, when I was in a similar situation, I was told my coworkers needed flexibility because they had kids, and I didn’t, so I had to just deal. Absolutely no one took my concerns about being alone in the office seriously, because it would have meant they’d have to change their flexibility, and I had no way to go to the board (who probably wouldn’t listen either, the office manager was the one who started the “parents get flexibility” because she wanted it herself. )

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      2. AngryOctopus*

        Feels like the $30K was “we’re going to lose this worker if we don’t pay her” and the shorthand was “well, she has kids so therefore it’s fine”. Honestly it’s just one red flag in the parade of flags this company displays.
        Also, OP, don’t let the 10-4 throw you–you don’t know how efficient they are after years, and you don’t know if they do things at home or not. You also don’t know if they were told “we hired OP to be present/attend planned events so you don’t have to” and that’s why they’re not there.

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    3. RIP Pillowfort*

      Yeah my eyebrows are in the ceiling.

      I’m all for flexibility for everyone. OP should be getting more support. They need the parents to start rotating on-call. They need to not be the only one there for early morning issues or going to events.

      Like I’ve been this person at 25. Now that I’m a parent and caring for an aging parent, I need flexibility but not at the cost of never pulling my weight. If anything, I love that I still do a lot even if I can’t drop everything to do what I could at 25 with no commitments.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        “They need the parents to start rotating on-call.” – counterpoint, I would say this a little differently even if it’s essentially the same … OP needs to raise the on-call system, request a review of how it’s working, what the goals are of the current system, and if they’re being met, or could be met in other ways. It’s equally possible the organization doesn’t need to have so many on-call days (and would change this once they got pushback – but why change it now, it’s working for THEM and no one has raised it as a problem). Maybe they need to hire another person to cover just weekends. There are a lot of options. Don’t get focused on “make these other people do what I want.”

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        1. ferrina*

          Agree. If OP doesn’t mind being on call, then maybe add in a compensation component. OP is doing an extra task that requires more hours, so maybe a bonus based on on-call hours?
          Just something to recognize that OP is covering this.

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          1. Banana Pyjamas*

            My mom is in manufacturing, and she gets 4 hours of call-in pay automatically + the hourly for the time she works.

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        2. RIP Pillowfort*

          You’re right. If it’s not really beneficial for on-call to happen, it shouldn’t.

          I’m just assuming OP has a job where the on-call is established and understood. Which my job has that and both my boss and I are the first point of contact should something be needed after normal working hours. And we readily trade that off when there are vacations, illness, etc.

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      2. ariel*

        “I need flexibility but not at the cost of never pulling my weight.” THIS. As a childfree worker who loves the flexibility that my colleagues get and also uses some myself, this!!! OP, you’re being left holding the bag too often because your manager isn’t managing the team well.

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        1. Cmdrshprd*

          “you’re being left holding the bag too often because your manager isn’t managing the team”

          the part that I struggle with is that it seems if manager offered to take the bag from OP, OP would refuse. Op specifically said they don’t want to work less. I think asking for more money or to work less are the only realistic asks OP can make.
          OP should not ask to make others work more.

          It seems that OP is lonely at work and more so wants coworkers to be there so they are not lonely. OP should not rely on coworkers for social interactions, and if they want that they might be in the wrong industry and/or company.

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          1. Paint N Drip*

            I agree. I wonder if OP can find the camaraderie in a bigger team or a team with a different culture, I have to assume a ‘passion job’ industry could offer a younger more vibrant and intense work culture

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          2. Paulina*

            OP says that the work is best done collaboratively, and also mentions “the events that we (I) plan.” Brainstorming a plan for an event is quite different when a significant part of the work is being done with only one person involved. Stuff is getting done; is it as good? Is OP getting the experience of her colleagues or the benefit of a collaborative setting? It doesn’t sound like it.

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            1. Cmdrshprd*

              “OP says that the work is best done collaboratively”

              That may be true that collaborative work results in best A+ results, but maybe the company and clients are fine with good A or B+ results.

              Sometimes the best is not really the best, because “perfection can be the enemy of the good.” and/or you get diminishing returns to get the “best work.”

              Event 1 can be planned to an B+ or A level in 8 hours, but to get the event to A+ level it would take 4 hours, and company/client are fine with B+/A event 1, and using the other 4 hours to get half the planning done for Event 2. You can plan 1 A+ event in 12 hours or 1.5 A/B+ events in 12 hours.

              It might just be that this position/company may not be a right fit for OP is they want a more collaborative/social place. I’ve been there before in that I got a lot of both in work and out of work socializing with coworkers. But not all workplaces are like that.

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          3. Sloanicota*

            I would try and change OP’s mind about not wanting to work less, if I had the power haha. Your time is money, so this is like saying “I don’t want money.” It’s antithetical to my view of labor, lol (even nonprofit labor – you can always choose to donate time to causes you care about without that being your literal employer).

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          4. Seth*

            We have no indication that the LW would say no, so why are you bringing this up? Site rules tell us not to create fiction. You are up and down these comments coming up with all kinds of reasons why LW is wrong about her own lived experiences working this job.

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    4. Quinalla*

      Agreed! Flexibility is great, but it shouldn’t mean folks that take advantage work less hours – it should mean they flex their hours so everyone is still putting in 40 (or whatever is the norm) just not on the same schedule. And on call if falling just on one person, that person should be compensated for that for sure, that should be an easy ask. Same with one person doing all the events. It’s a clear cut OP is doing more. It’s harder to argue the hours thing – it shouldn’t be, but it is – but those I think you have a good case for your boss to push for a raise for you.

      But yeah, I have lots of flexibility at my job, so when I pick up/drop off kids or go to various medical appointments during work hours, I make up those hours outside of normal work hours. It is weird that it is apparently just working less hours and not like OP (except for events/on call) is working tons and tons of hours, everyone else is not working normal hours.

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    5. Smithy*

      Yeah – when the OP says this field is their passion, I think it’s worth it for the OP asking themselves if this is a truly challenging passion industry to break into where lots of professional norms can be crossed because there are so few jobs? Or a field they’re passionate about, and while they don’t want to leave their current passion work – similar passion jobs do exist in the market.

      I’m in the nonprofit sector, so on some level loads of people are there because it’s their passion or mission-based job. And some nonprofit fields are truly super difficult to break into, and others more so reflect the larger job market. My field is currently in that second half, and not to say job hunting is ever easy – but when I meet people who say their job at current nonprofit is the only nonprofit they’d ever work for – they’re just setting themselves up for all sorts of wild unprofessional practices. When they really do have other options at similar mission-based orgs.

      The OP is 25 and working at a place that doesn’t do raises? Ok – then that’s a great job for two years, build up the resume, and apply elsewhere. Fighting for more equity in a place with practices like that when you’re relatively junior is just rarely worth the energy compared to putting that energy into job hunting. And it can also risk putting you in a more antagonistic dynamic with your supervisor, when you may benefit far more in the future having them as a reference for future job hunts.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep. No raises = no longevity (I assume they do promotions, in which case OP can evaluate the potential there for them). Staying at the same rate of pay year after year is actually like losing money, especially right now. Think about it – does your rent ever go down? Do insurance costs ever go down or even stay the same? (I’m sure it happens but not in my experience). And as you age it’s normal to find that your expenses increase. I used to camp and stay in hostels, but now my back doesn’t let me do that anymore so I need to book decent hotels when I travel. My friends with more money want to propose more fun trips and I want to be able to go sometimes, not always go to the state park for a week. Hey, my friends get married and demand expensive wedding/baby gifts now, haha. OP may also want a house or a wedding or a baby some day. Costs just go up.

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    6. MK*

      It sounds so out there that I have to wonder how accurate OP’s perception is. Are you certain they are receiveing the same compensation, while working 20 hours per week less? And an organization that doesn’t give raises gave a 30k raise to someone just because she has child-related expenses?

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      1. Garden Gnome*

        That was my thought as well. That sort of bump in salary seems very disproportionate. How would OP know the amount of the raise? And if the parent did get a raise, is it possible they have more time there than OP? Seems to be some unanswered questions.

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        1. Paulina*

          The parent who got the raise may have more time there, in the sense that the organization sees sufficient value in them or has enough of an emotional connection to them to not want them to have to quit because they can’t pay their bills on the small salary otherwise offered.

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            1. AngryOctopus*

              This company seems less about seniority as “I have worked here for longer and bring value, and should therefore be making X not Y” and more “oh no this person who is a good worker threatened to quit so we gotta give her more money”. Which is of course the actual problem.

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    7. Alicent*

      One of the reasons I quit my last job at a poorly managed small business was that my coworker who had a preferred assistant with kids would use ME as a chauffeur to bring them back when they needed to pick up their kids (we all did field work) or use it as an excuse to not take her on call duties. I ended up working longer hours to cover my coworkers and my boss refused to address the problem at all. The same thing went with the office staff who were regularly late to the office, but phones had to be answered as soon as we opened. Apparently I was also supposed to cover as receptionist when they were late because they had kids even though I had my own important work to cover first thing in the morning.

      Management at these places doesn’t change. You live with it, push back as much as you can, and/or leave.

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  4. T.N.H*

    I think you’ll be happier changing jobs. While there is some disparity between parents and non-parents in many organizations, you won’t feel it as much when you aren’t the only childfree(or less) person on your team.

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    1. AXG*

      I agree with T.N.H here. The time differential is horrible, in my opinion, but the bigger thing is you feeling like you’re on an island. I would recommend, if possible, finding a new job with a bigger and more diverse team or where these disparities aren’t as visible. I do think advocating for a raise is good: You are legitimately working more than the others and should be paid accordingly. If they don’t “do raises” frame it more as adequate pay for a higher workload.

      For what it’s worth, I’m in a non-work group where I am the only non-partnered/non-parent person, and even though I don’t want to change my situation, it’s hard being the only one! I feel for you, and hope if nothing else, that what you’ll get from the commentariat is solidarity <3

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        1. AXG*

          I don’t think you’d approach it that way, but asking questions about the team demographics and culture would be illuminating! As well as potentially meeting some of the team.

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          1. T.N.H*

            Really you should always be asking about culture in an interview and can suss out the team dynamics without pointed questions.

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    2. MigraineMonth*

      Yeah, this is a very rare environment where people are allowed to work significantly less than 8 hours a day, never cover for a coverage-based (I’m guessing?) job and regularly dip on events. Almost any other company you move to will not be like that.

      There will be trade-offs, (you may not have flexibility when you want it), and there is always going to be some degree of unfairness, but it probably won’t be like this one.

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      1. AngryOctopus*

        Also, I said it above, but I’m truly wondering if the rest of the team was told “we hired OP to provide coverage and event presence so you don’t have to” so OP is annoyed but the rest of the staff is like “oh nice we don’t have to do that anymore”.
        Basically it’s a red flag parade and OP should get out and make more money at a place that will give raises and respect them.

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    3. Sloanicota*

      I thought the same thing, just because of the no raises and the current pay disparity. If you’re doing a great job and you’re not seeing the reward, it’s a good idea to look around. It sounds like there could be other passion jobs in your sector that would pay you 30K more!

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    4. ferrina*

      Agree- OP should start a low-key job search. Aside from the other issues, it sounds like it’s not a culture match. OP wants somewhere with a lot of social interaction, where they can collaborate a lot. They aren’t getting that here.

      I don’t think this is a “run away” scenario, but OP can start looking around, apply to a couple things per week, and if they find an option that feels right to them, make that move. The best time for a new job to look is when you are getting a little irked and wondering if it’s time, not when you are absolutely convinced you need to get out. Your mindset will be better when you’re under less pressure, and you’ll be less likely to settle for a bad fit.

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    5. Spencer Hastings*

      I was thinking the same thing — it seems like the LW would be a lot happier if they were still doing the same level of work, but on a team where the distribution of work is more even. In their position, I would despair of that ever being the case at their current job, but maybe there’s another organization where they could do that.

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  5. Zahra*

    my closest coworker makes $30,000 more than me because she advocated for a raise to pay for her child’s expenses

    Yikes! How far are we from “men need a higher pay because they need to provide for their family and women are just earning extra spending money”? I feel for your coworker, but that reason is absolutely not one that should have been used as justification for a raise. Matching market salaries, good performance and the like are good reasons. Having kid expenses might be the element that makes you go ask for that raise, but it shouldn’t be the reason why you do get it.

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    1. MassMatt*

      Came here to say this: Is this not discriminatory behavior?

      But to my shock, discrimination based on familial/parental status did not show up as prohibited under federal law.

      This LW is working 33% more hours than their married coworkers, AND the only one required to be on call for evenings/weekends, all for significantly less pay. There’s “giving parents flexibility” and then there’s this, yikes.

      Major side-eye to “my organization does not offer raises” also. You might as well say “my organization does not value me, and pays me less and less every year”.

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      1. Tuesday Tacos*

        Major side-eye to “my organization does not offer raises” also. You might as well say “my organization does not value me, and pays me less and less every year”.

        exactly they are taking advantage of a young worker new to the workforce!

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        1. Paulina*

          She wants to work the hours because she’s passionate about her work and doesn’t want to leave things undone. Her passion is having her grab the ball that the others are letting drop, especially if they’re coming in late when she’s already making progress. It’s probably a lot harder for her to be flexible than the others, since she’s the one that’s always there and also on-call. Additionally, she should keep caring about what she does; she just needs to work on finding a better organization to be part of for it.

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    2. Seacalliope*

      Did the coworker share her motivation, which was met because of excellent work, or did the coworker confess that the pitch was expenses and the workplace accommodated? It’s possible to be motivated by expenses but not present that to work and get what you need based on your performance.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        I wondered how OP would even know something like this TBH. Yes you know the coworker makes more than you but are you sure that’s the reason – like did your boss actually say that? If so, that’s nuts and a sign of huge dysfunction in the whole org. They said the quiet part out loud!

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      2. A Simple Narwhal*

        I was wondering this too. I could see a world where the coworker absolutely deserved a raise, and after not receiving one for years was vastly underpaid for their position. The organization doesn’t “do raises” so they tell their manager that they’re going to have to leave the organization if they don’t get a salary bump. And maybe childcare prices going up gave them the boost they needed to finally say “pay me or I leave” and they got their raise because it was deserved and the org didn’t want to lose them, but through a game of office telephone all that boiled down to was “they got a raise because of their kid”.

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        1. Paulina*

          My guess is that “if I don’t get paid more, I’m going to have to leave because I can’t afford to work here” was the winning argument that finally pushed the organization into giving a raise, as a kind of “keep the team together”/”refilling will cost more” expense.

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    3. MigraineMonth*

      Even in child-friendly companies, that’s not how you do it! You offer on-site childcare or a stipend, you offer college scholarships, you cover the difference between a single plan and a family plan for healthcare, and you offer generous caretaker leave.

      Paying a woman a lot more money than a man for the same duties/work conditions/skill level is a violation of the Equal Pay Act and could get the company in legal trouble. “She has to provide for her family” and “she negotiated better” should get thrown out as rationale just as quickly as if a man tried them.

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      1. I wish I could snooze life*

        Yes! Although paying more to women than men sounds good in theory, saying you only get a raise IF you have kids is just as bad. Then people like OP can’t speak up. I have a feeling OP does deserve a raise, and I hope they speak up about it.

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      3. AngryOctopus*

        I mean, given that the company doesn’t do raises, my guess is that this worker said “my cost of living has gone up, especially with a child. I am going to leave if you don’t pay me more” and then they decided to pay her more (but because they are anti raise, of course this wouldn’t translate to anyone else). It’s stupid and shortsighted and really everyone should leave, but I don’t think they’re paying her more because she’s a woman. They’re paying her more because she threatened to quit.

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    4. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

      Exactly. Sounds like OP loves her work but this pay structure is BS. Ditto “we don’t do raises.” That’s just another way of saying “we don’t retain goid employees.”

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      1. Paulina*

        It also sounds like the rest of the team is checked out a significant part of the time. They’re not moving on because this job gives them the flexibility that they need, and they have OP to take care of things. But I expect OP’s passion for her job would be even higher if she was surrounded by others with the same approach, and this job is not structured to retain those.

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    5. Frances*

      I was 25 years old once upon a time and it is no surprise that this happened. I once worked with a lady my parents age who had tons of things going on. She had a myriad of health problems, always had to babysit the grandkids, family issues and everything in between. Sometimes she would go on these long vacations and on the day of return she would be late because the plane was delayed, transportation problems happened and everything . I always had to do her job and mine. I really think she was having some kind relationship with the boss because after the boss left he was in contact with her. Can’t prove it though but when it came to me I wasn’t allowed to do much except be a 24/7 worker. I come from gen X and parents that believed you should do everyone’s job.

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  6. The Original K.*

    You’re the only one on call? Ever? So you can NEVER make plans outside of work? That’s not sustainable. I’d be pushing back hard on this – if there’s a genuine need for this kind of coverage, your colleagues and boss should all be scheduled to take turns. If there’s not a need, I’d stop doing it, particularly if I asked for a raise (as you should) and was turned down.

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    1. RunShaker*

      OP, The Original K & everybody else is correct. This isn’t sustainable & you’re hurting yourself by not advocating for a raise due to your workload. Hurting yourself by pigeonholing yourself into a low salary and you’ll be working extra hard for years to catch up to market rate salary. Any company that doesn’t do raises for COLA, growth, promotions, etc., is a company you need to stay away from plus the lopsided workload since “you’re childfree” is wrong.
      I’ve been in workforce for many years and parents, included single parents have managed their workload working normal 40 hours and this is with employers that were and were not flexible.
      The debt your single parent coworker has is personal matter & you can’t be worried about that. Her debt isn’t under your control. It’s ok to put yourself first, it’s ok to advocate for yourself, it’s ok to make sure you’re health and happy. When you do all these things, your best self shines & you’re in a better position to help others.

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    2. Heidi*

      I was going to ask about that also. It’s possible that the off-hour calls are extremely rare (like once a year). But if they occur with any regularity, one person should not be the only person on call every morning and every weekend. What happens if OP goes on a vacation? Which reminds me, the OP could consider asking for more vacation time instead of day-to-day scheduling flexibility. Like at least a month off to do something big. It might help the boss recognize how much slack the OP is picking up if that’s playing a role in the OP’s job dissatisfaction.

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      1. Sloanicota*

        I also want to keep pushing back on “I’m not burned out, this is fine.” The time to stop burnout is BEFORE it happens, because in my experience, once you are burned out, it’s irreversible (at least within that role) and I have seen so many excellent people in the nonprofit sector (my sector) literally burn bridges they took years building because they suddenly hit the limit and couldn’t care any more. People who went over and beyond for years suddenly couldn’t get out of bed or show up to work reasonably groomed. The unsavory final weeks really colored their previous stellar record and reputation, and it hurts so bad to see it because it really does happen to the best people. So don’t assume it’s fine for you to be on call 24/7 just because you don’t feel it yet OP. Careers are marathons. You have to pace yourself even if you’re still feeling great in the third mile.

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        2. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

          Also, the LW said they’re demoralized, which can easily kickstart the burnout that may be inevitable if nothing changes.

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    3. Elbe*

      If I needed flexibility, I think my manager would grant it to me.

      I also very seriously doubt this. It’s easy for the employer to make promises that they don’t think someone will actually take.

      The reason that they can offer flexibility to others is because the LW is there for coverage. If the LW needed flex time, that means that one of the other employees would have to work during that time, and the manager seems unwilling to ask them to do that. I very strongly suspect that if the LW actually requests flexibility, they will be met with a “but we don’t have anyone to work then! think of the kids!” guilt trip.

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  7. Tradd*

    This letter made my blood boil. $30K more because coworker has a kid! I’m a perpetually single, childfree woman. I’ve been getting the short end of the stick since the early 90s. Parents allowed to come and go as they please, without any repercussions. I’m not talking about sick kids, doctor’s appts, but things like kids’ sports events. The childfree employees always got more work dumped on them (this has nothing to do with the pandemic). Parents who were paid more because they had kids. Management at various jobs never got it through their thick skulls that the childfree employees had things to do, too! My favorite example was when I had a friend coming in from out of town in the mid-90s. She insisted taking the train, which made required me to take public transit down to the city center to get her, rather than the airport which was more accessible. I was not allowed to leave early. I had to work 6am-2pm if I wanted to get out early. Manager told me “she has a kid, you don’t” when I pointed out coworker left early all the time for her kid’s sports. The last time someone tried dumping more work on me because she had a kid (nothing medically related), I said no. She howled. I stood my ground. Never again.

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    1. ferrina*

      But don’t you know that child-free people have no valid life of their own? [complete and absolute sarcasm here]

      Seriously, the other thing that bugs me is that the people that don’t apply this logic anywhere else. What about people that care for aging parents or neighbors? Anyone with a health condition that needs to be managed? Or the reverse of the kid argument- I had exceptionally crappy parents, and there is a tangible cost associated with that (therapy, not having the option to move in with my parents when times got hard, not having any cultural capital around workplace norms). Or what if your family of origin has more money and paid for your college (I’m in U.S.)- does that mean you get paid less because you don’t have any student loans?

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      1. Chirpy*

        I’ve always wanted to point out that as a single person, shouldn’t I get paid more because I have no spouse to fall back on? Or perhaps if family is so valued, then I should get more flexibility so I have time to go out and meet that future spouse??

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    2. JMC*

      This is so not true in so many places. Call centers do not give a damn whether you have kids or not. Or any place that does customer service. Parents get in trouble if they want to leave early for anything to do with kids, even medical emergencies.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tradd*

        I’m an educated international transportation professional/licensed customs broker of 3o+ years. Jobs nothing like a call center.

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    3. Hales Bopp*

      I felt this letter in my bones. In one of my first professional roles, most of the team was close in age to me, but I was one of the only staff who was not married/did not have children. Our job required occasional weekend/evening work. I had a coworker who consistently asked me to provide coverage for her. I remember she once emailed and asked me to work a weekend event and said, “Weekends are really for time with my baby.” As though I was just sitting at home on a Saturday, twiddling my thumbs! I hated the dynamic, because I recognize how difficult it must be to be a working parent, while simultaneously hating the constant expectation that I did not have commitments outside of work. I quickly became adept at saying, “Sorry, my schedule won’t accommodate that.”

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    4. Julie865*

      This happens far more than is spoken about, and often there’s an undertone of us not supporting the sisterhood by having an issue with it. Many employers go too far in trying to be ‘fair’ to working parents that they end up making the system entirely unfair for everyone else.
      Years ago I was refused a raise but one was given to a colleague who was a mom and unfortunately found herself in a DV situation in her marriage, and the grandboss felt that with more money she’d be able to ‘get out’. How do you counter that? I countered it by resigning. I was, of course, endlessly sympathetic to her personal circumstances (she did later get out and is doing great) but the financial penalty was one I couldn’t swallow as a colleague. The initiative came from a good place but again, totally unfair to the rest of the staff.

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  8. Tundra dweller*

    I once had a junior coworker receive a big raise and promotion without meeting what we had listed as the merit criteria. The boss’ justification was that she was a single mother, so we should lower the qualifications for her because she needed the money. I guess since I was single, I was supposed to be qualified to do my job.

    Didn’t make me feel very motivated.

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  9. Caramel & Cheddar*

    “My organization does not offer raises.”

    Don’t stay too long here. You say you’re in your “passion career” but I’m hoping that passion isn’t so niche that you won’t be able to do it elsewhere.

    By all means, bring up all the things AAM says to mention to your boss re: uneven work distribution or tasks that you’re solely responsible for, but if they have a blanket rule against offering raises unless you need an extra $30k because you have a kid (!!!), this is a place that will continue to undervalue you. I think there’s probably a lot of folks here who have been through what you have (loving their work while they’re still young and fresh in their industry) but looking back later in their careers realised they should have moved on faster when it was clear their employer was never going to do what it took to keep them.

    Learn as much as you can, get all the contacts you need, but don’t languish too long somewhere that they explicitly state you’ll never get a raise.

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    1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

      The org does offer raises, but it’s done in a capricious and irrational manner. If you can capture the manager’s sympathy with your needs, they’ll lobby for you. Otherwise you are SOL. That is the org’s policy on raises!

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    2. Smithy*

      Absolutely this.

      I would also add that for any person new to a sector, it’s also helpful to learn the ways that our industries are more susceptible to bad or unprofessional practices. Because it helps when interviewing for new jobs to ask questions that can highlight if a certain place is leaning into the worst behaviors vs mediocre to good ones.

      If the OP is the only one running events – what is the protocol if they’re sick? Stuck in an elevator? Is it a major team panic where someone has to move mountains to fill in? Cause no matter how much the OP wants to work, being the only person doing external facing events for a number of sectors isn’t amazing practice because it means if the person can’t make it – then it’s a last minute panic or cancelation.

      I’m in nonprofits – raises, promotions, compensation on average isn’t an area where we’re known to thrive. That’s a reality. But there are also 100% bad actors that take advantage of that reality or chaotic actors that allow bad practice to take hold. Being able to dissect all of that is truly valuable to be aware of the choices you’re making professionally as well as planning how long any place is worth staying at.

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  10. DNDL*

    A couple thoughts from someone who was that 25 year old over-achiever, and is now the parent.

    1) Pull back. Are you actually being asked to be on call after work hours, or are you taking it upon yourself to be super responsive because that’s just how you are? If no one is actually expecting you to be on call, then you need to be honest with yourself and disconnect. If they are expecting it, you need to have a conversation with your manager about implementing a rotation for this work.

    2) Same with events. Are you actually expected to attend all of these events, or are you doing it because you are eager and energetic and love it? Same as above–be honest with yourself. Is it expected? If not, you need to pull back. If so, your manager needs to implement a rotation.

    3) I can fully imagine a world where your coworker went to your boss and said, “I cannot afford to stay in this job because of childcare.” And your boss thought the raise was worth it to keep the employee. It is absolutely possible to apply this to you. “I cannot afford to stay in this job because of rent. It increased x% since I began working here, but my salary has stayed the same.” This is a shitty way to run a business–making people justify a raise for anything other than performance–but it is incredibly common in passion industries. I know because I’m in one. Do not begrudge your coworker for advocating for herself. Instead, follow her lead.

    4) Take the flexibility. Find a hobby or a class or something else, and take advantage of that flexibility. Not every job you’ll have will be this flexible, so take advantage while you can.

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    2. Shenandoah*

      Cosign this whole comment – OP, regardless what you decide to do with this job, this is all great advice to staying non-burnt-out.

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    3. Chili*

      Yes! When reading the letter, I got the strong vibe of someone who always wants to do more and gets frustrated that colleagues don’t share this approach. I have worked with a person like this before and their behavior alienated them from their colleagues. Wanting people to work extra (uncompensated) hours because you choose to work extra and are lonely it’s wild.

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      1. bmorepm*

        seems like you read in some stuff that wasn’t stated. her working the regular schedule of 9-5 and her coworkers only having to work 10-4 isn’t “wanting people to work extra because she chose to work extra.” being assigned to be on call when none of your peers are is also not choosing to work extra. just because LW said they didn’t need/want to cut back their hours doesn’t negate that it’s inherently unfair to have such different standards based on personal life circumstances.

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        1. Double A*

          Who’s imposing those expectations, though? It’s absolutely worth it to the OP to ask themself what they are explicitly being expected to do and what they have voluntarily taken on. And if they can shift those expectations in a way that makes them more satisfied.

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            1. Bonkers*

              That was exactly how I read this comment, FWIW. OP didn’t clearly say *who* was imposing these expectations, to the best of my understanding.

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              1. Seth*

                Chili said “I got the strong vibe of…”, which means they’re not basing it off of anything the LW wrote. We’re generally expected to take LWs at their word here – if she says those are the expectations, then those are the expectations. Not something she imposed on herself.

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    4. Ellis Bell*

      Further to your excellent point at number 3, would it be an idea for OP to point out the impact on their development? As well as “I’m not getting compensated for x extra hours/ not covering my rent increase”, I might consider saying”I’m concerned about my professional development/happiness here if I continue working solo so often. Is more collaboration/hiring colleagues with more availability a possibility?” This might be way outside the remit of what OP’s manager can supply, but it’s not a “silly” thing to ask for, and it can’t hurt to plant a seed.

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    5. MigraineMonth*

      I agree that the on-call is excessive and definitely risking burnout if you cannot take any time fully disconnected from work.

      If you truly feel okay with this level of work other than that, OP, at least find an environment where going above and beyond is swiftly recognized and rewarded with promotions and raises. I’m betting you can find that even in a passion field. It’s going to be important for your career going forward, because without those promotions it’s going to be difficult for a future hiring manager to tell how hard you’ve been working. (It’s also important to get enough money when you’re young that you can start saving and avoid debt traps.)

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    6. smirkette*

      This is such great advice. The only thing I’ll add is as a childfree overachiever in my 20’s now in my 40’s, is don’t let whatever’s driving you to work so hard burn you out. I’m just coming out of a yearlong burnout where I almost could not function after decades of being the “fixer” at my various jobs. Remember that stuff only needs fixing because management is inept and it’s not your job to fix that—and in my experience, impossible short of some very cut-and-dry legal issue that would cost them serious money. Leadership and management in my experience hate any change that they didn’t come up with themselves, particularly if it was driven by their own mistakes (as they have here).

      Start looking for another job. You’re worth more than this, and there are better managed places out there.

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    7. Double A*

      YES! I have some coworkers who are extremely stressed about certain expectations… that they put on themselves. And some of the people who don’t feel the need to meet those expectations are parents because we simply cannot do both extra in our job and the job of raising our kids. Also some of us are older and while we went gangbusters at 25, we’ve realized we need to pace ourselves for the long run. And I think it’s okay to go all out when you’re young and have more time and energy! But you hit a point where you have to reassess how you’re using that time and energy. It sounds like OP might be hitting that point. And that’s okay! It’s a necessary part of any passion career, I would think, if you’re going to make it sustainable in the long run.

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    8. Trotwood*

      It’s also helpful to have outside-of-work commitments to force you to disconnect! During the pandemic I found it so easy to get sucked into “well I truly have nothing else to do so I might as well keep working at 8 pm.” But now, find yourself something else to do! “Sorry, I can’t take calls on Tuesday nights because I volunteer at the art museum!” or whatever you want to spend your free time doing.

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    9. I'm great at doing stuff*

      These are excellent points. The only part I would change is the argument for the raise should not be about rent, childcare, or other personal reasons, but should be about your work output and keeping up with market rates. Maybe it worked for your coworker to name that a reason, but typically that is not the way to approach asking for a raise.

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      1. bamcheeks*

        It should be, but there are some fields where it’s expected that you’ll be working well below market rates, so that’s not a compelling argument, and they will always offer more training, more flexibility, more PTO etc before they change your pay. Sometimes it has to be “Sadly, I will have to leave this job because I can’t afford X” because that’s a hard external reason which can’t be negotiated.

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    10. Murph*

      Former overachiever and new mom here! I have been in positions in the past where I worked late to be all things to all people, without being asked. I would challenge OP to try setting boundaries and letting the natural consequences happen. If OP can’t be on call, then someone else will have to step up.

      I’m not shocked by any of this. To me, it sounds like the other people in their roles have made a conscious trade-off to not get regular raises in lieu of flexibility. I know I would take this trade-off in a heartbeat!

      It sounds like OP could have this flexibility as well but just wants everyone else to have less; like someone who wants everyone else to work in the office every day even though they don’t have to. This could be seen as helpful and enthusiastic or out of touch, depending on the team.

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    11. LS*

      I was about to write something nearly identical, having been a mid 20s workaholic, now mid 40s working mom in a leadership role.

      Also, I caution all of our employees that just because they are working more doesn’t mean anything to me. 2 examples:

      1) An employee that has serious efficiency issues. He works way longer than her should have to because he’s super slow. Partially due to inexperience, but more due to time management issues.
      2) An employee that chooses to work more because they are so passionate and gets frustrated that not everyone is as passionate about their job and doesn’t want to work any extra (or can’t because of life obligations – yes, often parenting). She very much played the martyr card despite us actively telling her nearly exactly what PP said … and guess what? She just quit from burnout.

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    13. Hyaline*

      #3–exactly my thought. A lot of comments seem to treat this as “the coworker got a 30K bonus for having a kid” and no, I doubt that’s what happened. This looks like an org (maybe a whole industry) underpaying its employees as a rule, and someone managed to make themselves valuable enough that when they said “this is my break point, take it or leave it” they got the raise.

      This might be a rough thing to hear but at 25 and fresh on the job, you don’t have that leverage yet. It’s not fair…but also, an org that makes people go through the ringer to be compensated fairly is probably not great on quite a few levels. Just something to keep in mind, LW, as you develop a career!

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  11. Almost Empty Nester*

    Is it possible that your coworkers are working at a time or in a way that isn’t visible to you? When my kids were young, I needed to jet out of the office by 5 so I could pick them up and make dinner, get them to bed, i.e. be a parent. But by 8:30pm when they were in bed, I’d log back on and work from home for 3 or 4 hours…something my coworkers wouldn’t have necessarily known unless they looked specifically for me to be in the online chat. In fact, my manager didn’t even realize it and wanted to fire me for my lack of hours until she was pointed to the extra hours I worked by her manager. Even now, I may not be sitting at my desk after 5, but if any of my coworkers messaged me they’d likely get an answer up till about 10pm. Point of this is…make sure you’re looking at the quantity of work output and not just hours worked. And yes, it is VERY wrong for your manager to have advocated for a parent to get a raise just to afford child expenses. That should be rectified immediately. But also I wonder if they got a raise for a reason that wasn’t actually for “child expenses” but it just gave the appearance of that to you.

    All of that having been said, you need to discuss this with your manager because the imbalance should be resolved. You shouldn’t be always the default coverage, and it sounds like if it’s not true you definitely feel like it is.

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    1. MsM*

      I have a lot of parent coworkers who work like this…and I know they work like this, because they’re communicative about it. But perhaps more importantly, they check in to make sure I’m not feeling left in the lurch or like I have to respond at 10 pm because that’s when they’re able to give me comments on things. I don’t get the feeling OP is getting the same kind of support (or as you said, it’s not feeling that way).

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      1. bamcheeks*

        This may be the thing where it’s about culture and default assumptions– if everyone except LW is in this stage, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming it doesn’t need spelling out. Or that they all spelled it out and checked in with each other when they started working together 8 years ago when LW was still in high school, and don’t realise they haven’t had that conversation since LW joined. These are the kind of things where it could be as simple as LW having a frank conversation with their boss so it gets said explicitly.

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      2. AngryOctopus*

        It’s also possible that they aren’t reaching out because they were told “OP was hired to do X and Y so you don’t have to anymore” so they’re like “sweet, I can get all my metrics done and delivered from 10-4 and I don’t have to worry about on-call because they farmed that to OP”. OP doesn’t know this because of course they’re not being told, but is a distinct possibility.

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    2. HighBackLeatherChairSurfer*

      I agree. When I had small children I was the only one on my team with kids under 12 or kids at all. I would rush to get to work on-time after drop-off often coming in a few minutes late, then work through lunch just so I could leave 15 minutes early for pickup. If my kid had a doctor appointment I would arrange child care it so I could come in an hour early that day. I would take the less desirable projects for more flexibility, and work on weekends when I could bring my kids with me to the office. I hardly ever had enough PTO for anything other than taking care of sick kids. And yet still I would get complaints that I used my kids as an excuse to work less than everyone else. Not saying this is the situation the OP is in, just a reminder to actually look at what the parent is accomplishing not just what you assume they are.

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    3. Hospital PT*

      I would also question how much seniority plays into some of the pay discrepancies. If LW is 25, but another coworker has 10+ more years of experience or tenure, it is quite plausible that they are making more in the same job.

      I have a younger colleague who used to make the “same job, different pay” complaint regularly. I finally did the math for her showing that difference in our rates amount to about $0.25 per year of experience. With that context the noise got quite a bit less.

      That same person was also notorious for volunteering and taking on extra, before anyone else had a chance to, while being resentful and expecting to be paid more for her effort. That’s just not how our workplace functions though. She has been told in 20 different ways that we are not earning trophies and medals here for putting extra on our own plates. The sympathy for her complaints has largely dried up over the years.

      Reply ↓
      1. gyratory_circus*

        I was thinking the same thing – a lot of seniority, a title that’s a rung or 3 higher (ie the OP is a Llama Groomer, and the co-worker is a Senior Llama Groomer Team Lead), combined with better negotiating skills could definitely put someone into a much higher pay band than someone who is very early in their career. When I was first starting out, there was a lot I wasn’t aware of when it comes to that kind of thing and took “we’re both Llama Groomers so everything should be the same” a little too much to heart.

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    4. bmorepm*

      if you were completing your hours outside of normal working hours, why wasn’t that a discussion with your manager or at least a heads up?

      Reply ↓
      1. Almost Empty Nester*

        She was not a nice person, and really intensely disliked me. She had 1 child, I had 2 and was pregnant with my 3rd, so she thought it was horribly unprofessional of me to work with so many kids. She had announced to her manager that I didn’t work very much since I only worked from 8am – 5pm…didn’t put in the “extra hours” that she thought I would if I was a dedicated employee. She was unaware that I was online and working most nights, usually putting in around 60 hours per week (I’m a dummy). She was successful in getting me “fired” for about 3 hours until her manager discovered what she’d done and eventually she was laid off. Also this happened the week I came back from bereavement leave when my father passed away (I took 4 days of leave). So like I said…not a nice person. The kid I was pregnant with at the time is now 21, and I’m still with the company.

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    5. Curiouser and Curiouser*

      I’ve had (and actually currently have) both types of coworkers with children. The kind that do what you are describing – which is true flexibility, and I work for a company that would allow me to do the same so all good here!

      I also have worked with coworkers with children who leave at 3 and are unreachable until 9am the next day. Luckily, management where I currently work generally catches on to this and addresses it and would never allow only non-parents to be on call or cover events, but in the past I have felt pretty frustrated and alienated at other jobs where this behavior was explained by “well, they have kids…” and they were able to not pull their weight. If I found out they were making $30K more than me? I’d be pretty frustrated. Even if they had been there longer.

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    6. Chirpy*

      In my case, the coworkers with kids worked 7-3 (full time) and 9-2 (part time). I worked 8-5, which were our published opening hours, and previously the coworkers before them had all worked until 5. None of the newer ones would budge on staying until 5, even the one with a stay at home spouse (kid was never alone after school, absolutely no reason she couldn’t stay until 5, but because the other parent needed flex time, suddenly she did too.) I was never once allowed flex time.

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  12. Tea Rocket*

    I suspect the LW has outgrown her workplace and it’s time to look around for somewhere that can meet her needs around working with people in real time, sharing in tasks like event attendance, and being on call. “I want a work environment that promotes more real-time collaboration” doesn’t strike me as a bad answer to the inevitable “Why are you looking to leave your current job?” question. She could probably get a higher salary out of it at the same time.

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  13. HonorBox*

    OP, I’m frustrated on your behalf. You’re putting in an extra 10 hours a week, plus you’re on call, and you’re doing collaborative projects largely alone. You can be fine with the hours you keep and the work you do, but it is frustrating still, given that you’re being paid significantly less than your coworkers. I would absolutely second the idea of going to your boss, letting her know that you’re fine with your workload and flexibility afforded to others, but you’re working 10 more hours per week in the office, having to be on call, the only one reliably staffing events… and you’d like to be paid at least what your coworker is paid. That’s a hefty bump to be sure, but what’s going to happen if you just continue to be frustrated and lonely and don’t get paid what you should be? You’ll leave. So I think that’s a good place to start the conversation. If you get the pay increase, then you can better evaluate whether your loneliness is lessened because at least you know you’re being paid what you deserve to be paid.

    One note, just because it may come up. I appreciate that someone received a pay increase to help cover costs of her child, but life generally isn’t a good reason that one person is being paid more than someone else. That she has a child shouldn’t mean that she is more deserving of that kind of additional pay…even if she was doing all the same work that you are.

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      1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

        The 10 hours a week aren’t really “extra hours”, they are the expected hours of the role. The other coworkers aren’t being held to the expectation, due to their status as parents. As for being on call mornings and weekends – I suppose OP could say they are unavailable for it, but it seems that it is work that needs to be done (rather than OP just logging in out of hours because they want to). I suspect, contrary to what OP thinks, if they were to try and get some of this flexibility on expectations for themself, the manager would push back (probably passive-aggressively, as I get the sense the manager is quite averse to conflict).

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  14. childless manager*

    There may be other non-monetary perks you can take advantage of. I am one of the few childless managers in my group, so I often provide coverage on school holidays and days around major holidays (we must have manager coverage on days we’re open).

    In exchange, I take long holidays and random days off during slow periods when parent managers can provide coverage during the day for me.

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      1. childless manager*

        Yes, and that’s a whole different issue. I wouldn’t stay at the workplace mentioned just because of that issue and the lack of raises. But that’s really independent of the excessive flexibility for parents problem and I think it’s particularly common for newer employees to not push back on things like this.

        So I also think it’s worth pointing out that childfree people can and should make use of informal workplace flexibility, partly to counter the narrative that only parents “need” flexibility and to make sure it’s fair. As someone mentioned upthread non parents don’t always push back on excessive requests because they’re not forced to by family obligations.

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    2. bmorepm*

      not trying to be intentionally obtuse, but I don’t read how this is a beneficial exchange for you. you cover during high-demand periods of time and then are able to take the leave you’re entitled to, only during regular, low-demand periods of time, instead?

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      1. Silver Robin*

        childless manager gets to take longer holidays than the parents, because their days off are not used as much during those high demand periods. And, the timing gets to be more flexible because the holiday schedule has significantly less influence on their choices. It can be a worthwhile exchange for folks who would not otherwise take much time around common holidays, or have holidays that are equally important but out of sync with the school schedules/majority culture.

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  15. Shenandoah*

    I also think you should find a new job, OP! This particular group of coworkers is not meeting your energy – the fact they are parents is probably a big part of that, but I’ve also known childfree folks who were happy to coast and parents who like to hustle.

    At the end of the day, the culture here is not good and I think you’d be so much happier with a group of folks who matched your passion and drive.

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    1. Generic Name*

      I agree. Look for job postings that say “fast-paced environment”. Plus, why on earth would you stay more than a year or two at a place that does not give raises? You are negatively impacting your future social security payout as well as future wage earnings by accepting low pay.

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    1. Rex Libris*

      This. I’m curious how one remains “passionate” when the boss sucks, the pay sucks, the coworkers suck and the hours suck. A “passion job” should also include decent pay, reasonable hours, and equitable treatment, which are all things I’m pretty passionate about personally.

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      1. Alicent*

        I probably wouldn’t have left the industry I was dying to get into and spent many years of education to meet that goal if my boss wasn’t a raging narcissist. I didn’t get a single raise in over 3 years, but instead was told I could work even more than the bare minimum 50 hours I was doing a week. Honestly I don’t know how he gets anyone to stay except for the very restrictive non-compete. He burned me out so hard my stomach gets upset if I even think about returning to that industry. Unfortunately it does attract a lot of starry eyed young women who aren’t taught they can advocate for themselves and the men running the industry take great advantage.

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    2. H.Regalis*

      Except when they do, and that person got an extra $30K, which is an insane raise. I’d love a salary increase like that!

      I know everyone’s dogpiling on the OP a bit about how lousy this place is, but “no raises ever” is terrible. Inflation goes up, so they’re effectively giving you a pay cut every year. That’s not good. You need to eat and have a roof over your head.

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  17. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    Definitely feel you there mate.

    However: story of success for you. I was once landed with doing all of the out of hours/past 4pm/before 9am work at the job because others had childcare commitments or such. I noted down all the additional hours I’d done, when I’d been called in at a weekend to do a fix and when I’d been sent off site because others couldn’t travel and it totalled up to a LOT of hours.

    Went to boss with all of this and basically said that I really should be compensated for all this. I managed to get a decent payrise that way. I also consulted with our union rep beforehand to make sure I’d have their backup.

    It did begin to really grate on me a year or so later when I was routinely denied time off on holidays in favour of the people with kids and increasingly I found more and more work just handed to me without even asking. So I put out the old CV and moved to a different firm. I got a MUCH better payrise that way too.

    Even with the extra money the first firm gave me it still didn’t remove the resentment at the unequal treatment over time. And as I got older I really began to resent having less time at home.

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  18. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd*

    I don’t think this is “loneliness” but rather an acute, and justified, sense of unfairness and disparity of expectations. There’s no way working 2 hours less a day (25%!) is a suitable ‘accommodation’ for being a parent.

    I suspect the boss is driven more by emotional factors than fairness and objectivity, which will be very difficult to change as they are ingrained traits (she advocates for raises capriciously based on someone’s hard luck story, instead of work quality and level etc)… but I would go to the boss with something like “I want to talk about the expectations for being on-call constantly, staffing the events etc (whatever the details are) and of working hours generally, because it seems to me that the expectations are landing entirely on me because I just happen to be the only one without family obligations.” Clearly this isn’t a sustainable way to work, as it relies on something that ‘just happens’ to be the case rather than being tackled structurally. So what are the boss’s plans for converting that on-call into a rota…? etc. Fundamentally though I feel like this is so cultural to this company (or at least this department) that it won’t change and OP should look to move on.

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  19. HannahS*

    Sometimes, a job just isn’t the right fit for a particular stage of life. In their 20s, my sibling worked at a government agency mainly staffed by people in their 40s who were partnered and had children. The work-life balance was great, the pace was relatively slow, the hours were flexible…and my sibling was NOT happy. They were young and energetic and passionate about their work, and didn’t have a partner or dependents. They wanted to work somewhere with higher, more exciting workloads, and didn’t mind working longer and less flexible hours. Ultimately, they left and were happier elsewhere.

    On the other end, I’m in my 30s, a parent working as a medical resident, a career designed for healthy young men without dependents; the hours and workloads are ridiculous and don’t suit me at all. I’m able to arrange some flexibility, sometimes, and my colleagues probably don’t realize that when I leave early, I’m usually finishing up my work late at night. But even with accommodations, it just isn’t a style that works for my stage of life

    It sounds like what want in your heart-of-hearts is for your colleagues to work the way that you do, but you know that forcing them to do that wouldn’t be right, because they have needs that you don’t…and you don’t want to work the way that they do. You can’t square that circle! It’s probably best to move to a place that has a working style that you like.

    Reply ↓
    1. Paint N Drip*

      You expounded upon it wonderfully, but that was my thought as well. OP is looking for camaraderie and energy that IS OUT THERE but is not at this current workplace. A ‘passion’ career is surely seeking someone with vigor and fire in their belly, so I think OP should look around.

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  20. soontoberetired*

    this just kills me. Managers who do this are not doing anyone any favors. Flexibility is one thing, giving parents less hours to work is insane. As is the oncall situation. Look elsewhere. This manager will not see he is being unjust.

    I have had to fight these battles as the single child free person in my work groups from time to time. One of my managers told me I should always take Christmas oncall because I was childless and it didn’t mean as much to me. I did two things – reminder her Christmas has a deeply religious meaning to a lot of people, and I was my elderly parents’ child and I didn’t know how to tell them I couldn’t spend Christmas with them anymore. It worked.

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  21. Joan of Snark*

    I’m gonna pull an Alison: your boss sucks and isn’t going to change. Your manager is okay with their employees never getting raises. Your manager is okay making the lowest paid employee work the most hours, sacrifice the most freedom, and do the most work, all by a significant margin. Your manager is okay with people being compensated based on their progeny and not on their value to the organization. Your boss is the JD Vance of whatever industry you’re in, and that’s not a person you can change.

    Get out.

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  22. Smurfette*

    As a parent I’d love to work a 6-hour day, but I’d also feel really uncomfortable that OP was consistently putting in more hours, attending events on their own, and being the only person on call. That’s just unfair. And while it seems OP has the option to work shorter hours to match their coworkers, presumably they cannot just pull out of attending events and being on call, since nobody else is doing that.

    OP, this is definitely something you can and should discuss with your manager. I see several options:

    – Tell your manager that you can’t continue to take on ALL the on-call and event duties, and they need to be distributed amongst the team (but it doesn’t sound as though this is really what you want, or something that would go down well with your coworkers)
    – Ask that the on-call and event duties are specifically compensated (many companies compensate for these things anyway); however, if this happens, you may find that your coworkers are suddenly able to and interested in taking on these responsibilities
    – Ask that you get comp time for the on-call and event duties – depending on how important PTO is for you
    – Or, ask for the on-call and event duties to be formally added to your role, with an appropriate increase in your salary for the additional responsibility – this sounds like the option that would work best for you

    Good luck. Work out your script beforehand so that you feel confident about what you want to say.

    Reply ↓
  23. The Prettiest Curse*

    As someone who has been a one-person events team – you WILL eventually get burned out by constantly being the sole event coordinator, no matter how much you like the work. It’s the mental burden as much as anything else.

    Also, what is your boss’s plan for coverage if you have an emergency and can’t work an event? What about if you have an emergency and are incapacitated during an event? Having a sole event staffer on site for an event is simply bad practice, unless it’s a very small event.

    As the only person without kids on my current (small) events team, we never do an event without 2 event staffers on site. I have more flexibility than the team members without kids, but we always have each other’s backs, and I think that’s what you’re missing on your current team.

    Reply ↓
    1. HugeTractsofLand*

      Seriously, this was the first thing that jumped out at me! It’s such bad practice to only have 1 staff member at an event for all the reasons you listed. I worked at a tiny non-profit and we still made sure to have 2 per event.

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  24. Seashell*

    I wonder if these other people have more experience than you. You may share a job description, but I’d expect someone who had been there for 10 years or had comparable experience of 10 years elsewhere to be making more than someone who had less experience. The manager might have given the raise to keep the co-worker around for other reasons, such as greater experience, but used the “single mom” excuse to deter you from asking for a raise.

    Maybe you could lobby for extra vacation time to balance out the discrepancy in hours worked.

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    2. Hyaline*

      The single mom thing may also have been the “occasion” that forced the coworker’s hand in demanding a raise–“Either I’m compensated a living/decent/commensurate with market value wage or I leave” and, because of experience and contributions, as you mention, she got it. Maybe she even had another offer and was able to negotiate.

      Reply ↓
  25. HugsAreNotTolerated*

    I kinda get the feeling that OP is hesitant to push back on co-workers needing to pull their weight because they don’t want their co-workers to start resenting them when they’re pushed to you know, work their full hours & responsibilities. I know OP says that they don’t resent the ‘extras’ given to parents in her workplace, but how could you not?! These people are essentially working part-time for a full-time salary, picking & choosing which work tasks they want to take on, and worst of all being rewarded for this behavior! This workplace sounds almost as bad as the one who gives a whole different set of benefits to parents than non-parents. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and OP should start looking elsewhere for employment.

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    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Ultimately, it’s not for the LW to decide that their coworkers need to do more. They don’t have the power to make that happen. That’s why I like Alison’s framing of the LW figuring out what they want and pushing for that. How that affects the rest of the team isn’t the LW’s responsibility to manage. Which may be the point of your comment! Setting some boundaries and making a case for appropriate compensation is totally fine. No need to feel guilty about it.

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  26. Nicki Name*

    LW, please consider the possibility that you are already burning out. You’re demoralized, lonely, resentful, you’ve got no one to help you carry the load? The load is too big and you need to find a new situation right now before it gets worse.

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  27. Roeslein*

    Probably doesn’t apply here as LW’s work sounds pretty dysfunctional, but are you sure parents aren’t leaving the office early for childcare pick-up etc. but actually working another 2 hours later in the evening? That’s been pretty normal at many places I’ve worked. “Leaving early” doesn’t necessarily mean working less.

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  28. Katrine Fonsmark*

    Your organization “doesn’t offer raises” – except they do for certain people? If a colleague with the same job was making $30K more than me because she had a kid, I’d be talking to a lawyer so fast your head would spin. I would not be able to function I’d be so resentful.

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    1. ariel*

      Agreed, you have to get out of that mindset OP – your org does offer raises, to some people. Maybe one of those people is you. And if your boss doesn’t have a problem with the disparity, get out as soon as you can because they will never be a good boss to you.

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  29. HugeTractsofLand*

    It’s absurd that you’re the only person on call on the weekends; your company shouldn’t be “open” if it always falls on one person to staff it! In practice that means you can never be sick and never take a weekend to yourself, which any good manager would see leads to burnout. You need to ask for that to stop right away, but you should go into the conversation prepared. Start by laying out everything you do, say you’re fine working 9-5 but the rest is unsustainable and is leading to resentment and burnout. Wait and see if they have any suggestions but have a list of concrete asks as a backup (more days off/half days? Tasks taken off your plate?).

    I’m glad you work in a field that you’re passionate about, but right now your manager is taking advantage of you. You can and should push back on frankly any of this. Good luck!

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    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah, when OP said “I’m not burned out” I definitely added a mental “yet.” I wasn’t burned out in my 20s either. Then let’s just say I hit my 30s real hard.

      Reply ↓
      2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        Samesies. I wasn’t burned out until I definitely was. And I’m still dealing with the consequences to my well-being nearly a decade later.

        Reply ↓
        1. Sloanicota*

          It really can derail your whole career! And to me, one of the most frustrating elements is that I used up my highest level of energy and commitment to some really less-worthy organizations early in my career. Later when I was in jobs with a higher degree of responsibility/respect/better structured organizations, I didn’t have as much gas in the tank as I wished.

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    2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      I mean, maybe the solution is to expand the team so that things get covered better. If it’s OK that parents don’t have to be on call or attend events, there needs to be a plan where that doesn’t fall completely on the LW’s shoulders.

      LW, are you worried that things will totally fall apart if you pull back? And you’d feel responsible and guilty if that happened? If you answered yes to either of those, I’d encourage you to pull back a little and see what happens. Like, what if you’re unavailable to be on call for a weekend? Or you have to miss the next event? Will your boss and colleagues figure it out? If they don’t, does that give them useful information about the risk they’re taking by having no redundancy in the system?

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  30. Sloanicota*

    Look, I’m a child-free woman of a certain age. But honestly, I still highly prioritize solidarity with working parents even though I know it doesn’t benefit me. I also try to prioritize DEI efforts that don’t help me and disability accommodations I don’t need. So whatever you say or do, do it with a sense of personal boundaries around “here is what I am willing to do / not do” (you should not work a job for $30K less than others at your level, for example) and not “how can I get differently situated people to do more.” That’s not your bag. Leave that alone, respectfully. Focus on advocating for what *you* want and need and deserve or on not doing things that make you feel exploited/undervalued.

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  31. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    LW, you open your letter saying that you don’t want to work less. Which is absolutely your prerogative! You get to decide what you want and don’t want to do, and I get zero say. Maybe the best solution is to push for compensation that reflects all the work you’re doing. Up to you!

    But I’d encourage you to ask yourself why you don’t want to work less. Because it sounds like you’re working a lot of hours and giving a lot to this organization. Perhaps to the detriment of other parts of your life.

    Working a bit less would probably give you more time to have time with friends, take up hobbies, volunteer in your community, etc. If you’re feeling lonely, take opportunities to spend time with people. It sounds like that’s probably not going to be with your colleagues* so find social time elsewhere. Do things that make you happy. And prevent burnout before it happens.

    * I do recognize this doesn’t solve the problem of riding solo on projects that should be collaborative. Which is something to work out with your manager regardless of whether you keep the same hours/responsibilities or pull back.

    Reply ↓
    1. JB (not in Houston)*

      “Maybe the best solution is to push for compensation that reflects all the work you’re doing.”
      Yes, this. The OP can frame it as not a raise for her current position so much as a recognition that she is *doing a different job* than her coworkers and that *her* job has more responsibility and requires more hours. She should be making more than her coworkers if she has more responsibilities, especially ones that require her to work more hours..

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      1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

        I hadn’t thought about it this way, but that makes sense. Assuming that these are all/mostly actual expectations from the manager, rather than the LW deciding to take on all this responsibility by herself, she *is* doing a different job. One that requires being on call and a fair bit of work outside standard business hours at events.

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  32. The Original K.*

    Also as others have said, a company that never gives raises is not one you want to stay at long-term. My employer isn’t doing COL increases this year (despite strong financial performance) and I’m hearing people talk about quitting over it. (I just started searching myself, though not only for that reason – I’ve been ready to go for a bit.) You lose spending power if your wages stagnate over time because the cost of living always goes up. I get that this is a passion for you, but I would be looking for an employer that supports the mission AND pays its employees somewhere closer to fairly.

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    2. Elbe*

      Honestly, I don’t think it’s even a place to stay at short-term if other options are available.

      I can’t think of a bigger indication that the org doesn’t value their staff and feels entitled to labor. I don’t know any reasonable person who thinks this kind of blanket policy is justified.

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  33. bleh*

    The answer is money. A lot more money. Tell them “More work should equal more money.” End stop. If they don’t move the needle, then this company is bullshit.

    Reply ↓
  35. chiffonades*

    OP do you never take vacations? Do you never get sick? Does this business rely entirely on you being in perfect health and working every single day? You cannot sustain this, and it is not fair to you to be the only one doing this schedule. Is this passion career not possible anywhere else? This place stinks.

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  36. Tuesday Tacos*

    This makes me angry. If it were me, I would add up the weekly hours the coworker who received the big raise makes then I would times that hourly wage by your number of hours and ask for a raise accordingly. (this should some out to her pay plus another 25% since thats how many more hours you are working)
    Make your list of why-
    you are on call and no one else is –
    your work is the SAME as the others who make more
    whatever else you listed
    then ask. i doubt you will get all of it but its a start- and if they refuse then I would start looking for another job.

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  37. Busy Middle Manager*

    OP I am upset on your behalf, for me the worst is the fact that you’re showing up to events alone.

    Especially as presumably the youngest on the staff, you have to be put into a bunch of situations that could potentially be socially awkward or require experience. Or what if they want someone from your organization to give a few words, and the only person there is the most junior? Awkward for your, disappointing for the audience.

    Have seen this before and people (in your position) made a stink about it. People who didn’t want to go to events basically said “we hate them” but fail to realize that any event can be fun if more people go in a group and you’re not there awkwardly alone. Also from a donor perspective, I’d feel shafted/disrespected if they sent a token employee to represent the org and no one else felt they needed to show up

    If people refuse to go you may need to do a variation of malicious compliance and no-show to an event or pretend to have a conflict and force someone else to do it

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  38. Jojo*

    LW, your employer is taking advantage of you. I’m guessing this overall inequity is probably not the only problematic thing going on. Find another job.

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  39. Sparkles McFadden*

    Hi LW. I feel for you, I really do, but the problem you think you have is not the problem that you actually have. The problem that you actually have is that you are extremely underpaid and working in a place that sounds like it’s poorly managed, and you might not ever get a raise. I understand that you like the work, you don’t mind the workload, and you want to support your coworkers, but it is time for you to start looking for a new job.

    Start out by documenting all that you do and lobbying for a raise and think about using some of the flexibility that your workplace supposedly has. If you get told “no raise because you don’t have kids” and no flexibility either because you don’t have childcare issues, well, I hate to break it to you, but your workplace is actually terrible and you need to find a non-terrible workplace.

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  40. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I think it’s important for employers to see this as a reminder that you shouldn’t give an employee a raise based on their lives. we all have stuff going on and would benefit from a raise but you cannot fairly give a raise (especially 30 thousand) just because someone has a child.

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  41. Spicy Tuna*

    It’s fine for companies to accommodate parents (or really, any good employee with outside time crunches, like caring for an elderly parent or tending to an ill family member). However, the people who are picking up the slack should be compensated for the extra work. If that’s not the case, OP should be looking for an organization that will compensate her properly for her dedication.

    I once worked on a team of 5. Three of the team members were dads (not single parents) and two of us were single, childfree women. The two of us women were more reliably available outside of normal working hours if needed. We were all highly compensated but myself and the other women got significantly bigger bonuses to reflect the fact that we just contributed more.

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  42. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

    I think the LW could/should ask for more money or get to count the on-call time in her hours or something. But I can’t agree that the co-workers should work more hours just because the LW is choosing to work longer hours. People are allowed to do the minimum.

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  43. Elbe*

    I know that the LW says that they love their job, but I think that they should give some real thought to how this organization is treating them. I have a feeling that their opinion of this workplace is going to shift once they get more time and perspective.

    Frankly, the LW’s manager and the organization sound incredibly bad. They are taking advantage of the LW to a really extreme degree. $30k?!??! That is not reasonable at all. No reasonable person thinks that “supporting parents” means paying one employee that much less than all of the others.

    The “flexibility” and salary bumps that they are giving some workers is being enabled by proportionally overworking and overpaying the LW. If the LW had a kid tomorrow, I don’t think that they would be able to bring the LW to parity. It’s easy for the company to give the impression that the LW has flexibility when the LW isn’t asking for it, but I suspect that it would not be available if the LW actually tried taking them up on it. I think it’s much more likely that they would get a guilt trip instead.

    The LW should ask for more money, and leave if it’s not forthcoming. Even if the situation is tolerable now, the LW is going to kick themselves if, down the road, they ever run into financial difficulty or need resources for their own kids. Do not let an unreasonable org tank your salary trajectory just so that parents can have more perks.

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  44. LawyerMom*

    LW, I was you approx. 20 years ago. I’m sharing some observations that I picked up in the last two decades, in case they resonate.

    1. At 25, you are still junior in your career or profession. The hard work that you are putting in now is not only an investment in your company and mission–it is an investment in yourself. Trust me when I say that the growth of your reputation, network, and skills will far outpace peers who aren’t putting in the work. Simply put: if you are putting in 2x the work, you will have 2x the experience (and responsibilities/accomplishments) of the others. This differential may not show up in this year’s salary…but it will pay dividends over the course of your career in terms of future opportunities and promotions.

    2. Your letter looks at work as transactional vs. strategic. I.e., when you talk about the contributions of your coworkers, you’re looking at hours in the office or units of output. Depending on their level of experience and expertise, their contributions may be more strategic–instead of related to implementation or execution which you are responsible for–and that value may be driving the pay difference.

    3. Gentle reminder that the work of working parents may not always be visible. Are you online at 4 a.m. writing/revising/editing a memo bc the early hours is the only time you have the bandwidth for focused/quiet time? Hint: I often am.

    4. A career is a marathon and not a sprint. Employees need different things at different phases of their lives. A company that values its employees and grants flexibility at the points-in-time employees need it will have higher engagement and dedication, as well as lower attrition. Your boss may be thinking long-term, not short-term. (A single mom in debt who is given flexibility? She may have loyalty for life to your boss/company.)

    5. I don’t know what your future family plans are, but a working environment that is good for working parents is a v. rare thing. You may one day find that the practices that aggrieve you now are the same practices that you champion later.

    6. Finally, a note on character: we spend a lot of time at work, and we should show up in our profession as who we are. Your boss may be an empathetic person–so extends grace. It appears that a central element of your character is a belief in working hard–you do a good job because that is who you are. From where I sit, both of these core character traits are admirable.

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    1. Elbe*

      It seems that this approach has worked out well for you, and that’s great. But I honestly don’t think that it’s good advice in a general sense. It’s putting way too much trust in an organization to be fair and reasonable, and that’s not a given.

      Putting in time and effort in the hopes of a raise/promotion makes sense over short-term (say, 6 months to a year) but it is not a good approach for long term. The longer situations like this extend, the employee has invested more and there is more risk that the dangling carrot will never materialize. And for the LW, in particular, I think this approach is unlikely to turn out well at a company that feels entitled to just… not give raises, as a general policy.

      It’s good advice for the LW to make sure that their understanding of the situation is accurate (are other not working, or are they working from home? Are they completing more in a smaller time frame due to experience? etc.) but if their perception is even remotely close to the truth, I think this company is badly taking advantage of them. Experience or not, 30K is a huge disparity for the same job title. And the LW should be compensated for things like working weekend or being present at events, because in those contexts, experience is less important than the inconvenience of it all.

      both of these core character traits are admirable
      Both of these traits are also very commonly taken advantage of, especially in careers that people are passionate about. There are enough red flags here that I think that the LW should be wary. At the very least, the LW should try getting some of these benefits for themselves (flex time, days off, raises) to test if there really is a double standard in place.

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      1. LawyerMom*

        Sure, and different mileage for different folks and all of that. Fully acknowledge that my advice is informed to my profession and different roles.

        Without knowing the LW’s industry, I admit to taking “never giving raises” with a grain of salt. In some industries, you don’t get raises unless you are promoted to the next step or next level and/or there is a readjustment of the role’s compensation. (This includes no COL raises, either.)

        Another element that informs my perspective: titles tend to be very broad. Within a single legal title at the same law firm or in-house department, there can be 15+ pay bands or steps driven by experience, results, practice areas…and that doesn’t even begin to touch the equity/non-equity partner roles at law firms. Needless to say, the pay range for the same title can be hundreds of thousands of dollars–so a $30K difference would be very common. (For partner roles at the very top law firms, not unusual to have salary differences of $Ms between the same “title”.) BTW, this makes salary compensation way more difficult–not always a good thing!

        Further–it turns out–that LW’s company DOES give raises…you just have to advocate and ask for them. It may be that the only reason the colleague got a raise was bc she had a kid. It may be that the colleague negotiated for a childcare stipend (likely booked differently by the firm than simply salary). It may be that she negotiated a raise bc she had a competing offer. It may be that she has more experience or drives more value–but, instead of owning those achievements said it was just bc of the kid. So the LW should ask for a raise, and justify it with her achievements/accomplishments.

        In the end–if the environment doesn’t work for LW, or they don’t like their colleagues, or they feel overworked or underpaid…the LW needs to own their career and choices, and get a different job. Complaining about the conditions or experience of their colleagues/manager is a red herring.

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        1. Elbe*

          The logic behind “no raises” is often that good employees will be compensated by new titles and pay as opposed to getting a raise at their current level. But that is out of alignment with companies that have very wide salary bands. How can a salary band be very broad, based on “experience,” if employees can’t get raises as they gain experience?

          Something here is just not adding up.

          The organization seems to be taking a stance that intentionally makes it difficult to be paid fairly, and also intentionally makes pay increases subjectively depend on a manager’s discretion. Both of those things are just huge red flags.

          I 100% support the LW trying to negotiate a raise, even with the no raises policy, but I honestly think they should seriously consider leaving. Even if they begrudgingly give the LW a raise, I am doubting the long-term potential of a career at this place.

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  45. Apex Mountain*

    Can you do a Cousin Oliver? “Boss, this is crazy, but I have a kid now! My sister in Des Moines had me watch their young boy while they are traveling for years”

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  46. Honeycocoa*

    Go on n vacation. Take a nice long trip. Let them experience what it’s like at work when you aren’t there for two weeks. Then ask for a raise.

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    1. A Simple Narwhal*

      I agree. If they’re not going to be paid for their extra work, LW needs to start being a lot less available.

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  47. Yes And*

    Some US states prohibit discrimination based on familial status. If someone is making $30K more than you for the same job description simply because of their family status, if you’re in one of those states, your employer may be breaking the law. If you’re in one of those states, you can and should use that to advocate for a ginormous raise.

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  48. Lorax*

    If the issue really is that you feel alone in the work, or that you feel more responsible for outcomes than anyone else, could you ask your boss to become more involved? Or someone else from another team or from within management? Would it help to hire someone else to cover the hours and/or events and/or on call time that your coworkers aren’t covering? Or would it help simply to have your work recognized with a title change? Given your seeming extra level of responsibility in holding things down, could you be designated as the “team lead” or something similar? I think any of those are reasonable asks that you could make in the spirit of collaborative problem solving after laying out the issues to your boss.

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  49. Chirpy*

    I just want to say to the OP, I really hope getting a raise/more help with sharing hours works out for you, because I was in a very similar situation at my first job out of college, and I was not able to get anyone to listen and it just ended badly for me. Good luck.

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  50. ACN37*

    Assuming you and them have the same job and the same responsibilities – I’d do the following:

    1 – Look up your state laws and see if this disparity is legal where you are.
    2 – Especially if it is illegal, I’d ask management for an equitable raise. If they say no, I’d be looking for a different job. People shouldn’t get $30k more simply because they have kids!

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  51. Letter Writer*

    Hi, OP here! Thank you all for the input, and especial thanks to the people who have personal experience being a 20-something who’s more excited about work than everyone else. You made me feel much less crazy. :)

    I’m hoping to respond to individual people later, but I want to give one piece of context! I omitted my field, but now I realize that that info is… uh, quite relevant. I work for a quasi-governmental department that is dedicated to supporting kids and families. My org is so parent friendly because it’s trying to “walk the walk” regarding radical lefty parent support. This culture is why I’m so confident about details like my team’s work and pay discrepancy—it’s all explicit and above-the-table. The thing that pushed me over the edge to write in was actually a department-wide meeting about how we can support parent staff even more. I’m not proud of this, but the meeting made me cry (in private) from overwhelm.

    I understand why people are expressing skepticism about how my org could be this extreme about the parent disparity! I promise I’m not exaggerating or misunderstanding the culture. It’s just a very specific environment that… yeah, maybe I should leave soon.

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    1. WellRed*

      That would have pushed me over the edge too! You say you aren’t burned out but I think you’re closer than you think. You cried.

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    2. Elbe*

      I’m not proud of this, but the meeting made me cry (in private) from overwhelm.

      Oh no. I am so sorry. This is not normal and you don’t deserve this.

      There’s nothing kind or compassionate about supporting some people at the expense of others. While their goals may be noble, they don’t seem to have a reasonable perspective on how to implement changes that are both helpful and fair to others.

      Please try looking for a new job. And, if you think that your perspective will be respected, you can try speaking up to your boss about how this is affecting you. If they are actually reasonable people, they may be receptive to feedback that their efforts are having unintended consequences for you.

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    4. ACN37*

      I’d have cried too. And if it is illegal to do this in your state, I’d be reporting them, as well as looking for a new job. What they are doing slaps true fairness in the face. Support the parent staff *even more*?! I’d be out as soon as I secured a new job!

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    5. LawyerMom*

      Ahhhhh, yes, the industry makes a difference.

      LW, there is no shame in looking for a new role, and I would encourage you to begin to do so now. This environment isn’t working for you where you are in your life. Please pull out a piece of paper and write two columns: (1) all of your strengths and experiences gained so far and (2) all of the things you want for your next stage (dynamic working environment, tons of growth opportunities, investment in your own development, leadership opportunities, etc). Use those to inform your search.

      Good luck. With your heart and drive, you have a bright career ahead of you. Wishing you the best.

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    6. The Original K.*

      Speaking from experience, if your job is making you cry, it’s a sign of burnout. And this meeting lets you know that your employer is NOT going to support you the same way it does parents, unless you become a parent – and even then, I wonder because you’ve trained them to take so much from you. I think you’re more burned out than you think you are. I would strongly suggest a job search – there are orgs that support kids and families that don’t flaunt their discriminatory wage practices.

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    7. SunnyShine*

      I would totally bring it up to your manager. It’s okay to say “I feel awkward bringing this up…” and it’s okay to say that you felt like crying because you give a lot and haven’t been compensated.

      If this is a lovely workplace if they paid you more, gave flexibility, or had better coverage, then it’s worth advocating for yourself.

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    8. r..*

      Normally I try to stay out of politics on this site for obvious reasons, but in this particular case there’s no way to entirely avoid them.

      The “walk the walk” part of what your organization tries to do is to pursue aims that need to be solved at the societal level, ie through government programs and support. It cannot be done at the level of individual employers, for the very reasons you have experienced yourself. Even the morals behind it are arbitrary.

      For example I do not have (and cannot have) kids of my own, but I am taking care of a direct blood relative suffering from cancer. If I lived in the US it would have likely cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars due to the circumstances of the situation. In that scenario, should I also get 30k/year more for the same work? If no, there’s no non-arbitrary reason for it; if yes there’ll be no end to the list of people who should also get 30k more. This is clearly unworkable.

      Hence it is not only unfair for you, the policy ideas behind this are also bananas. This isn’t a thing employers can sort out. Flexibility to handle the unpredictability that comes with having kids, yes; this, no.

      That, however, also means that it is likely beyond your ability to change. It is a result of a political policy, misguided or not, and you likely have no effective ability to change that.

      You either need to make peace that it will be like this for as long as you stay with your current employer, or leave.

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      1. Elbe*

        I really hope that the organization isn’t policy-related, because these people sound very clueless as to what changes are actually worthwhile. I really hope that they are not advising other companies/orgs because they can’t even come up with a fair approach within their own walls. Their hearts may be in the right place, but they don’t seem to have a clue.

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    9. Hyaline*

      Yeah this is…excessive. It sounds like the org has lost the forest for the trees when it comes to parental support–others shouldn’t be forced into untenable roles to serve parents.

      But–and I say this as a person who is also an overachiever–you are forcing YOURSELF into this role by not pushing back and/or by staying here. If you always say yes when asked to provide coverage, etc…they will keep asking and you will keep doing it. Push back! Set some boundaries–or try to! If they accommodate your needs, to, then this isn’t so much a “they were treating me badly” as a “I was doing this to myself” situation. But if they absolutely won’t stop dumping on you, this place isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s sometimes hard to see that the Really Great Passion Job is uh…actually not that great.

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    10. Happy Camper*

      I’ll be honest, I was REALLY hoping that you were incorrect in your interpretation because it is so egregious. You need to have a serious discussion with your manager and start looking elsewhere. This is only going to get worse.

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    11. chiffonades*

      OP, I hope you are able to share an update when you can, whatever happens for you next. Please take care of yourself!

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  52. Person from the Resume*

    Ask for a pay raise at least $30K.
    -You regularly put in at least 10 hours more a week than everyone else. (Flexibility does not mean work less than the standard hours; it means you make us the missed hours later.)
    – You’re reliable and reliably at events your organization plans.
    – You’re the only one on call.

    Other organizational things that your manager can fix:
    Do you want at least 1 person other person in the office a from 8-10 and 4-5 so you can collaborate, have a back up, not be the only one?
    Do you want other people to be on call sometimes so you don’t have to?
    Do you need or want other people to be reliably at events (your office plans) so you have help and also so that you not have to attend all of them?

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  53. CommanderBanana*

    A company that gives someone a $30,000(!!) raise because they have kids (!!?) is not a place I’d want to work, because that is bananapants.

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    1. CommanderBanana*

      Also, what sort of organization doesn’t offer raises (also !!?) but will give you a huge raise if you have a child (again, ?!?!?!)

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  54. Lily Potter*

    This reminds me of the situation at a friend’s workplace. She is upper-middle-management and supervises a lot of 25-35 year olds. Their office has instituted a return to office policy effective 1/1/25. Everyone must be in the office on Wednesdays and everyone must also come in one other day of the week. If you commit to being in office three days a week, you get a dedicated workspace; otherwise, you “get” to hotdesk. Supposedly, these policies extend to everyone from the CEO on down. My friend was surprised in that while middle managers and higher were grumbling about the change, many of the Gen-Z juniors were excited about it. While working at home, these Juniors haven’t gotten to know people beyond their immediate work groups, and they WANT to get to know people in person. One junior hadn’t talked with her grandboss in two years (not since her first day!) and she wants to change that! In their office, it’s not that people aren’t working long hours, it’s that no one knows anyone beyond their very small group. If you’re a collaborative person like the LW, that’s not very satisfying.

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  55. Calyx*

    I—as a LNK (Lady No Kids) myself—totally sympathize with OP and think asking for more money, flexibility, etc., is very fair. But for sanity, I’d also suggest thinking of it like the parking places for handicapped people. Yes, they get better parking. But they also have to be handicapped all the time, no breaks. Bringing up kids in the US is horrible. Tons of sanctimonious verbal support and little real support, plus knowing your kids could be gunned down at school any day. This does not mean she shouldn’t advocate for fair treatment of herself! But it might help, when she goes home at night to a quiet home where she can do what she likes and put all her money towards her own upkeep and future, to think about the alternative then as well as thinking about what they get that she doesn’t.

    Repeating for emphasis here that I’m on her side generally and think she has an excellent point.

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    1. HighBackLeatherChairSurfer*

      I know many here will be quick to attack you for your statement, but I appreciate what youre saying. I understand and agree everyone should be equal in the workplace, but it is also true that not everyone carries the same mental or physical load in life. And while we can pretend that work space exist in a vacuum, the truth is parents do not see themselves as superior they are in fact desperately begging for help and empathy. And yes I know the childfree also have unique struggles and strife, but this comment was about parents.

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  56. Ginger Cat Lady*

    What is a “passion career”? One where you voluntarily work a bunch of extra unpaid hours and complain that no one else works just for passion like do?
    As others have pointed out, it IS possible to get a raise.
    As others have pointed out, it IS possible they’re putting in hours you don’t see.
    I really think you need to take a deep breath and re-evaluate whether you are really as happy as you think you are.
    Boundaries are a good thing.

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  57. mango wango*

    $30k is nearly a full extra staff member! Is it possible that OP has different experience/education/qualifications than her coworker or is actually doing different work?

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  58. Political consultant*

    OP, I think you’re in the wrong job. You’re 25 and in a phase of life where you want to devote a ton of time and energy into your career. Meanwhile, you’re on a team that isn’t requiring or rewarding those extra hours. Chances are you, you’re missing out on an opportunity to be in a higher-growth role that would better reward your extra work financially and in terms of promotions — and it’s definitely worth taking advantage of opportunities like that now, while you’re not burnt out and don’t have any caregiving responsibilities. It’s worth at least exploring what else is out there.

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  59. Jennifer C.*

    Letters like this one make me want to invent a child the next time I start a new job. Maybe a kid in middle school who’s on a traveling sports team, with practices in the evening and games on the weekend. I’ll put some pictures of the kid on my desk and leave at 5:00 every day, since I’ll be a single parent. :-D

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  60. Looper*

    Your problem isn’t parents, it’s your company. What benefits, pay, or schedule your coworkers get is not something they are doing to you, they are looking out for their own needs, and your company is using you as a solution to the company’s problems. This is not a you vs. your coworkers situation. This is a “advocate for the pay and scheduling you need” situation, apart from anything your coworkers are doing. If your manager is not scheduling enough staff for events, the problem is your manager, not your coworkers.

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  61. Dav*

    Is there a chance you’re letting perception get in the way of reality? Do you actually know the raise was over kids, or have you inferred it? Or did coworker modestly attribute it to that when it’s actually because she brought in a huge contract and has an invaluable relationship? If you’re working more on your own steam and nobody is pressuring you to do so, I don’t think it’s fair to resent anyone for that.

    Reply ↓

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