updates: coworkers don’t know I’m married, tiny lunches, and more

by Alison Green on December 2, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How do I tell coworkers I’m married when they don’t think I am? (#2 at the link)

Your advice was indeed very helpful. I ended up telling a few coworkers I was closer to by casually mentioned my husband here and there when an opportunity naturally arose. Everyone took it in stride and didn’t seem fazed at all, like the comments said it would be. How I ended up telling my workplace at large was another story!

What happened ended up being pretty interesting. I work in public service and a customer started harassing me by repeatedly asking me out and bringing me gifts. I was growing increasingly frustrated by the situation (which was well addressed by my employer!) and vented about the customer to my coworkers.

My one coworker suggested wearing a fake ring to deter the customer and I said I didn’t need to wear a fake one — I was married for real! There was a brief moment where everyone sort of paused and then the coworker said, “Well, there you go!”

After that, I started wearing my ring to work and slowly worked my way up to mentioning my husband here and there. My husband and I are doing great and recently went on a trip to Europe.

Overall, no one was weird except me and I learned how to bite my tongue at work. I was definitely a chronic over sharer in the past. I also moved into a supervisory role recently and have been more private in general as I set some boundaries between myself and my direct reports, and I find myself enjoying the separation between my work life and private life.

Thanks for all of the advice and reassurance from you and your readers!

2. Eating tiny lunches in a group (#2 at the link)

The advice was really helpful. I also appreciated the perspective shift, as you (and readers) were correct about my coworkers simply being concerned I wasn’t eating enough, or that I hated the venue. I ended up following a combination of advice depending on the situation.

For the casual work lunches, after a few months, everyone mostly got used to it. I became known as the “light eater” and only need to endure some light ribbing about it now. I also discovered if I claimed I was “intermittent fasting,” instead of “not being hungry,” my portions were much more accepted, and were even praised as being healthy! Truly, marketing is a terrifying tool.

For the more formal work dinners and lunches, my first line of defense is to ask my neighboring coworkers if they’d like to split a huge shared meal, like a pizza. No one tends to notice when I only eat 1 or 2 slices slowly, and the rest kind of evaporates over the course of the meal. My backup strategy is to find a fancy “jumbo appetiser” that I can nibble at, like a cheese board, oysters, or salad. Since these are quite pricey and extravagant, everyone feels like I’m happier with my meal, especially since they tend to come out looking like more food than they are. You don’t tend to eat the oyster shells, for example.

Thanks again to you and your readers for the excellent advice!

3. Employee gave lots of notice, but now we have someone who could replace him (#2 at the link)

So. This took a turn … but I’ll get to that.

In terms of your advice, I went back to my boss with it and it made a huge difference. He took some time to really reflect on how the long notice periods serve him and his employees well. He went back to Lance and let him know what was going on, and that he would need to check back with him later on. Lance later got a different job, but my boss says that if Lance is looking again he knows to come back to us, and Lance has a really good impression of our company.

Gary continued working as usual, generally a good-natured hard worker while being fairly new to the employment world (in his early 20s). One day, a couple weeks before his last day, I got news that he had assaulted a coworker (Steve) on a job site by hitting him in the chest with a long pole-like tool they use as part of their work. Steve had the wind knocked out of him, and immediately called paramedics because he thought he was dying — having never had it happen before. Police also came to the site due to the nature of the injury, and Gary was arrested and taken into custody for assault with a deadly weapon. Consequently, he was let go from his position at our company.

Steve is OK! He was checked out medically and cleared to come back to work right away but my boss gave him some time off anyway. Last I knew about Gary he had moved out of state, though still has court date(s) in the future. It was all very sad, because Gary was lovely to be around and well liked, and we were all shocked that he would do that! He and Steve were arguing on site and Gary lost his temper and hit him — immediately apologizing and trying to help him. We later learned that he grew up in an environment where lots of friends and family get into fights, I guess? And this wasn’t out of the ordinary for him, as much as it was a shock to all of us.

So there’s your update! I’ll be sure to let you know if we hire Lance in the future.

4. Can I ask an employee if they need an eye exam? (#3 at the link)

I took your advice and jumped straight to showing what tools I used to a) see blurriness b) correct the issue. The zoom function is definitely our friend when looking at communications deliverables. We haven’t had a problem (with this issue) since!

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{ 72 comments }

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  1. Hermione Danger*

    #3 Took a turn, indeed. Was not expecting that outcome. Glad Steve is okay, and sorry that Gary didn’t learn early that hitting people is NOT okay. That’s a tough thing to have following you around so early in your career.

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    1. Wendy Darling*

      Yeah, I actually feel kinda bad for Gary. I mean obviously he had to be fired, but I am sad that what seems to be a basically nice person grew up in an environment that totally wrecked his normal meter like that. I hope he gets some help with that and can move past it.

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      1. Bitte Meddler*

        My ex was Gary Lite.

        When we first got together, I complained about some toxic stuff going on at work and he told me to get in my manager’s face and let him know just exactly how wrong he was on X.

        I was like, “Whut???”

        He told me that’s what has always worked for him when he had a jerk manager.

        At that point in his life, he had been a grunt in the Navy, a roofer, a bartender, and a window washer.

        At that point in my life, I had been a retail grunt during high school & college, and then only worked white-collar, corporate jobs after that.

        I had to explain to him how the corporate world is vaaaaastly different from a lot of the blue-collar world.

        He’d forget and every now and then interrupt my venting with yet another suggestion to bow up to somebody I worked with.

        No, Ex, just… No. We don’t do that.

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        1. Things*

          Honestly that kind of behavior doesn’t fly in a lot of the blue-collar world either, especially the Navy, so I’m raising a bit of an eyebrow. The Navy is very much a “You’re going to have to grin and bear quite a lot of toxic behavior” environment, and while there are certainly situations where a lower ranked sailor can put their foot down with a superior (if you are responsible for enforcing a safety regulation, you often have the authority to enforce that against someone who outranks you), and sailors are generally encouraged to speak up if they have input that can help a superior or feel it necessary to warn a superior about an impending mistake, but what you can’t do is get in a superior’s face and bluntly line them out. That’s not how you express disagreement with a superior in the military, not at all, and it will rapidly land you in a lot of trouble. There is a time, place, and manner in which you express disagreement with a superior, and it isn’t all that dissimilar to much of the white-collar world. Of course, this presumes you don’t have a power-tripping jerk of a superior who doesn’t listen and snaps at feedback, which absolutely happens all the time in the Navy, even though it isn’t supposed to.

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          1. James*

            I guess there is a world out there that doesn’t overlap much with ask a manager readers, where conflicts are often resolved by violence. I always found it very strange that so many homicides in the US are the result of someone shooting another after a trivial argument, but it tracks with the idea that some environments never teach you how to regulate violent behavior.

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            1. Lab Boss*

              As someone who grew up in a more blue-collar world and has worked some of that kind of job, there’s also a difference between literal violence and “getting in someone’s face” as Bitte’s Ex put it. It’s more of a posturing thing- a test of wills through eye contact and body language that can help confirm a pecking order or test someone’s resolve. On a construction site or doing security in a crowded venue there’s not necessarily time or space to sit down and have a meeting about a conflict, so you end up glaring at each other or speaking heatedly and then someone gives way and the situation is resolved.

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              1. Fluff*

                I read your comment with a dog trainer narration.

                “Look how he steps forward with his foot and then quickly leans back. He is showing dominance. He is posturing only otherwise, he would have bitten him on the neck. See how the other one steps back first and then gets loud? He is submitting to the pack leader and also demonstrating his membership in the front of the pack group to the others.”

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            2. Statler von Waldorf*

              There absolutely is a world out there that does not overlap much with this place. I’ve worked in the oilpatch in Northern Canada. I don’t share my wildest stories about my time there, either because I’m pretty sure I won’t be believed or because it’s just too depressing.

              I wouldn’t say that “conflicts are often resolved by violence,” unless you’re also selling cocaine on the side. As Lab Boss points out below, it’s a lot more about posturing and the threat of violence than it is about violence itself.

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              1. Lab Boss*

                And I’ll say having worked those jobs has served me well in the white collar world. Sometimes you get a guy who’s legit brilliant in the lab, and decides he can scream and rant at everyone he sees as his mental inferior. The ability to have one of them stand and scream at you and give them THAT look back, without saying anything, makes it so you don’t get screamed at any more.

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          2. bamcheeks*

            There are also lots of blue-collar settings where violence/carelessness WITH EQUIPMENT is a much, much bigger deal than two guys getting aggressive with bare hands. Two lads squaring up? Separate them and tell them to be stop being twats. Someone getting aggressive whilst holding a power tool or a heavy bit of kit? Potential to become a significant and very expensive H&S violation very quickly.

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        2. Ex-Prof*

          /picturing what would happen to an enlisted person in the Navy who got all up in his superior officer’s face/

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          1. FedIT*

            Superior officer? Not well. Junior PO? Entirely possible. Especially if that PO is not too sure of themselves. One reason why newly promoted Petty Officers or Sergeants need to be transferred to a new unit.

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      2. I should really pick a name*

        I think for most people, the normal meter (at least with regards to hitting people) gets recalibrated over the course of elementary school, high school, and post secondary studies.

        By someone’s early twenties, I don’t think one’s home environment is an excuse for hitting someone during an argument.

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        1. Consonance*

          Sure, but if your school environment and neighborhood environment are also like that, then I can totally see somebody not having developed the emotional regulation skills to handle a heated situation. Seeing my own toddler’s enormous feelings and violent reactions has given me a much greater appreciation for how much of this stuff needs to be taught and learned – it doesn’t necessarily happen just by getting older. That doesn’t mean adults shouldn’t get held accountable, hence the charges that were filed, but I feel for someone who may not have the tools at his disposal to know what to do instead of pushing someone in that moment.

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        2. Ellis Bell*

          Oh it’s incredibly easy for an overwhelmed school to let this stuff go. Mine did and plenty of people from my school settle matters with their fists to this day. I work for a great school now and it’s still an ongoing battle with some kids who think violence is unremarkable, even friendly, and are astonished when adults object. A direct quote from a student yesterday, when I demanded he stop strangling his friend: “Pulling someone around by their tie isn’t strangling someone”. He’s interested in construction and he’s only got one year of high school left for us to civilise him before he’s a site manager’s problem.

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        3. Irish Teacher.*

          It can be very hard for a school to recalibrate it if the home environment continues to reinforce it. I have students – teenagers, so at least 8 years of school already behind them – who will hit somebody and when I tell them off, reply with “but he called me a name/disrespected me/laughed at me” and some seem completely unable to understand when I say that is not an excuse and that they need to handle it different. I get “yes, it is. My dad says I should never just stand there and take it” or “but you can’t just let people get away with that” and sometimes even, “but if he said it to you, wouldn’t YOU hit him?” In a tone like they’ve caught me out in hypocrisy. And when I say no, because I am an adult and adults don’t resolve disputes by punching people, they take it to mean, “I give in to everybody and let myself be bullied.”

          If a kid is being raised by parents who teach them that “standing up for yourself” means “getting your retaliation in first” and that not hitting people “makes you look weak,” it isn’t easy for schools to undo that. The kids genuinely believe teachers “just have to say you should punch people, but that really, they resolve disputes in their own lives the same way. It’s just like how adults say not to drink when they do.”

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            1. Irish Teacher.*

              The problem is that these kids are convinced “my mum/dad says I’m allowed to hit anybody who annoys me and the school is wrong if they try to teach me I’m not because the school isn’t the boss of me. My mum/dad is.”

              I suspect the same parents who teach kids “don’t let anybody get the better of you. Punch ’em if they annoy you. That will teach them to respect you” are also the same parents who tell their kids stuff like, “don’t you listen to those teachers. You don’t take any nonsense from them. I’m your mum/dad and I know what’s best for you.”

              And to be fair, some of these kids are from backgrounds where they and their parents have no real reason to trust authorities which makes it even harder to teach kids stuff that contradicts their family values.

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          2. MigraineMonth*

            I once tried to talk to my brother-in-law after he nearly got into a fistfight with another father in a McDonald’s play area (or at least, to the “let’s take this outside” phase). When I told him that scared me, he was indignant that I was “treating him like the bad guy” and not praising him for “standing up” against the other father.

            It was like explaining his concerns to the other father, asking for help from a McDonald’s manager or just taking his kids and leaving never occurred to him as options preferable to a fistfight in the parking lot.

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        4. Rocket Raccoon*

          I didn’t learn not to hit until I was 25 and out of college. In all the schools I went to, hitting was an acceptable response when you’re a 5′ tall female. People weren’t shocked, they laughed.

          Not until I was “in the real world” did I realize that even when you’re too small to do any damage fighting looks trashy.

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        5. Red*

          I’d usually agree, but I grew up in the same sorts of environments and I’ve never had a heated argument outside of the home. I’ve only hit someone during an extremely heated argument once before, when I was a teen, but I’m terrified of instinctually lashing out if I felt too cornered in an argument.

          I’m working on it and it’s been years since that happened, but I never even realised it was something I might do before it happened. If Gary’s job involves physical work anyway, I can see how that situation might happen more easily just by having things to hand (and not being “as bad” as using your body). It’s terrible and messy, and I’m glad Steve is ok. I hope Gary manages to work on this, whether it was instinct or an intentional choice.

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      3. Ex-Prof*

        I don’t feel bad for Gary. LW’s made a lot of excuses for him, but the police described it as assault with a deadly weapon which is not the same as just hitting somebody… and just hitting somebody wouldn’t be okay either.

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        1. JB (not in Houston)*

          I hear what you’re saying, but for what it’s worth, in general I wouldn’t always give the “with a deadly weapon” part of a charge much weight. Just about *anything* can be considered a deadly weapon by the police and the DA. I have seen some pretty ridiculous charges along those lines. I think probably in this case what Gary used could do some damage, given that it knocked the wind out of the other guy, so maybe it fits the general public’s concept of a deadly weapon. But I’d base it on the OP’s description of what happened rather than the fact that the he was charged with using a deadly weapon.

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    2. MigraineMonth*

      Look, I believe in second chances, but *assaulting a coworker with a metal pole* a) probably should follow you around for a while, and b) puts the whole “generally a lovely guy” thing into question.

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    3. JSPA*

      So many questions!

      Among them: I’ve had the wind knocked out of me more than once. In exactly none of those situations could I have grabbed my phone and dialed 911 before the point of getting my breath back, and knowing that I wasn’t dying.

      Also among them:

      Who, regardless of family dysfunction, mistakes their coworker for an acceptable target? Did they grow up in some pocket of post-apocalyptic dystopia?

      Who on earth has family fights with freaking pole arms? (“It’s the Joustersons and their horse Jousty McJoustface!” No, that’s, not a thing…right?)

      Maybe some traveling carnivals / midway carneys combine this level of skill and dysfunction???

      But, dang.

      This isn’t, “had some beers after work and broke a thumb, thumb wrestling.” Or even, “got chest-bumpy, and someone slipped.”

      I really can’t come up with a context where this can be downgraded to, “nice guy, too bad, harsh learning experience.”

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      1. Silver Robin*

        I imagined it as Gary was holding the pole before the argument started and continued holding it until his temper broke and he threw because it was the thing in his hand, not because it was a predetermined weapon of choice.

        I also do not feel like LW was making excuses. I read it as them being really thrown because there were no prior indications that Gary would do such a thing (as far as LW knew). The tone, to me, was more “this is so weird, I guess he never learned non-violent conflict resolution?? But he seemed so normal…?”

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        1. Red*

          I’ve done exactly what you’ve described in an argument once, and I didn’t even realise I had thrown it until it left my hand (thank god I didn’t hurt anyone). Instincts can be a weird thing when you feel cornered, and growing up in that sort of environment gives you a very weird sense of what’s dangerous and what isn’t.

          All that’s to say, I’m glad Steve is ok and I really hope Gary works on this.

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          1. nope*

            Yeah, I gave a classmate a black eye in middle school when I lost my cool with a book in my hand. I managed to talk her into agreeing that it had slipped while I was gesticulating angrily (it had not, but it wasn’t a premeditated throw, either, I just lost and flung what was to hand) and I didn’t go to the administration about how she was regularly bullying me (including damaging my possessions, but carefully avoiding ever touching me).

            I’d have gotten in more trouble than she would have if we’d both told the truth, because I was the one that took the step to violence, but she’d have been watched and couldn’t have picked someone else to start bullying next. (Which she mostly did; thankfully tiny-me didn’t learn the bad lesson that “violence actually works” from the whole incident, but it kind of did.)

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      2. the 1%*

        The bizarre thing to me is that Steve (presumably an adult) never had the wind knocked out of him before and panicked over it. Must not have done a lot of rough play as a child?

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        1. metadata minion*

          Yeah, probably not. I’ve had the wind knocked out of me, but this is mostly because I’m kind of klutzy and so I’ve fallen hard a few times. I’ve never gotten the wind knocked out of me by another person even by accident. And even though I know what’s going on I’m pretty sure I’ve panicked every time; not being able to breathe is a viscerally terrifying experience.

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  2. desk platypus*

    #3 Woah, definitely a turn. As first I thought maybe Gary could have been goofing around and smacked Steve too hard on accident and not a very deliberate assault. Hopefully you can get Lance or someone equally qualified and that they don’t start fights.

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    1. Wendy Darling*

      I am the ADHD doofus who would turn around too fast having forgotten I was holding a very long tool and accidentally clock someone, so I also wondered this, but it sounds like not the case, alas.

      Also it’s probably for the best that I don’t work with dangerous tools.

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      1. Strive to Excel*

        I am also absolutely that doofus and don’t even have the ADHD to fall back on, just bad gross motor skills (I have been known to throw sports balls and have them go backwards).

        Everyone is grateful I work with computers rather than power tools!

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      2. Lions and Tigers*

        I used to sometimes go punting with my work colleagues in the summer (…I know, I know), and I’ve both totally clocked and totally been clocked by someone with a metal punting pole.

        I also vividly remember a few instances in high school and college where I had to rapidly recalibrate the difference between “fun horsing around with friends” and “nope we’re adults now, adults don’t act like this outside of very specific situations”.

        All this to say, I have no idea what truly happened in #3, but…oof. :-(

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    2. boof*

      Given the immediate apology, it’s quite possible it was a combination of “hitting people (lightly) is an acceptable expression of extreme frustration” and “oops, that was more than expected” – but definitely something that basically needs to be handled like is is, because escalating consequences about how not ok this is are the only way to handle it. After all, Gary isn’t in jail etc right now, but maybe next time the oops is an actual serious injury or worse unless they figure out how to get ahold of themselves

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  3. Festively Dressed Earl*

    If LW 1 was still being harassed by the customer to the point of needing to wear a wedding ring to deter them, then the problem was not well-addressed by her employer, public service or not. Respect the word “no” regardless of a person’s marital status, or deal with the consequences. I’m definitely glad to hear that LW is happier, though.

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    1. LW1*

      Hi there! Thanks so much. The customer never ended up seeing my ring because he was warned not to return to my workplace. HR followed up with me regularly to ensure I felt safe and confident in leaving the public floor whenever I felt unsafe. Without giving away too much about my workplace, we deal with some unsavory characters on the regular and we have a handle on the response process. That customer did really suck, though.

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    2. BigLawEx*

      When I was a kid, most places wouldn’t hesitate to ban someone for this kind of behavior. I feel like now with public service being multi-faceted (our libraries hand out hygiene products, for example) that bans are not made nor enforced in the city/county spaces.

      On the other hand I went to Social Security for the first time in twenty years and they have armed guards, locked doors, and it’s nearly impossible to get in or out…which was a LOT for a replacement card for my kid.

      One is overly permissive and the other is too restrictive, IMHO.

      What’s the best way to deal with this kind of thing?

      I ask because honestly, it feels fraught.

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      1. Indolent Libertine*

        Government employees have been under siege for the last, oh, 8 years or so. They regularly have their lives threatened now for doing their jobs, which unfortunately makes that level of security necessary at places like Social Security.

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        1. Huttj*

          Also the Social Security office has a LOT of personal information present. They’re why short form death certificates exist, to cut down on the amount of personal info they’re storing.

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        2. Constance Lloyd*

          I used to work for social security and yeah, my life was threatened a couple of times. They didn’t know my physical location but I my real full name is uncommon and if they happened to learn it, they could easily find my home address. Pair that with the low-ish wages an unfathomable workload, there are a few reasons why I left.

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  6. Bananapants*

    LW1 I’m sure it felt a bit awkward to bring up and I’m happy things turned out not to be a big deal. I had a similar situation myself where I started a new job around the time my fiancé and I were potentially splitting up, so I didn’t bring him up until many months into my tenure when we had worked things out, and I felt weird about dropping that info suddenly. I only had one openly surprised (but by no means bad) reaction, and no one else even thought twice.

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  7. New Jack Karyn*

    A bunch of folks have commented that Gary is not a sweet guy, and they do not feel bad for him. That’s legit! He hit someone with a pole!

    But in the interest of taking LWs at their word, I will suggest that Gary probably has the *capacity* to grow into a sweet man. This isn’t nicking a few office supplies, this is a big deal for him to fix. But it sounds like he has the willingness to change–let’s hope he gets the tools.

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    1. Cookie Monster*

      People here also have a tendency to see people in these letters in VERY black and white terms, and take one incident to paint that person with a very broad brush. Which is understandable! We’re working with very few details about the person. But it doesn’t accommodate the nuance you get from working with someone on a daily basis.

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  8. Testing*

    Intermittent fasting is really not at all about having a tiny lunch, and I’m pretty confused by how the colleagues could even that it would be. But I’m happy for LW that it helps with this predicament!

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    2. Allonge*

      It’s not about an exacxt, scientific explanation (indeed it makes little sense as one).

      It’s about having a Reason why OP eats small lunches TM. Once that box is ticked with anything that approaches an explanation, a lot of people will be happy to let go – they just want to be sure there is no problem to solve here.

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      1. UKDancer*

        Yes, most people like a reason for things, even if the reason isn’t quite accurate. Telling people a categoric “no I’m not eating” is a lot less comfortable for most people than “I’m doing intermittent fasting”. If you give people a reason they can understand for things you’re doing, they’re a lot more happy for you to do them.

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    3. Chair of the Bored*

      It could be! The 5:2 diet is 5 days eating as you normally would, then 2 days when you eat a quarter of the calories you would normally eat during the day – about 500 calories a day. You can eat those calories however you choose, so LW eating a small meal at lunch with colleagues would be how many folks on that diet would eat out on a fasting day. (The ‘fast’ comes because with that few calories, by definition there’s a longer period of time when you’re not eating.) It would also work if you were doing 16:8 – eight hours in which you eat, 16 hours in which you don’t. Lots of people eat an evening meal, then don’t eat again until lunch the following day. So yeah, if LW needs an excuse to get people to go away and stop asking questions, that would work.

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    4. bamcheeks*

      Maybe they are thinking, “that’s not intermittent fasting” but they have good enough manners not to say it out loud! Some people will have, “Is that all you’re having?” in the “polite friendly query” category but recognise that more detailed analysis of someone’s eating habits or diet is simply rude.

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      1. LunaLena*

        Yeah, this is what I thought too. Most people won’t think too deeply about an explanation like that, at most they’ll think “oh that must be some type of intermittent fasting that I didn’t know about” and then forget it and go about their day.

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    5. Ally McBeal*

      People who are regularly and incessantly pushy about food seem like the type to also be taken in by marketing jargon, even when used incorrectly.

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      1. Ana Maus*

        +100

        I’m glad the LW has a way to get people to leave them alone, but I hate that they have to use something trendy and not always understood as the explanation.

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    6. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m guessing they don’t know much about intermittent fasting and aren’t really that interested and just hear, “the LW is following some kind of diet, probably for health reasons.”

      Often when people push about others not eating much, they are concerned that the person really wants to eat more but for some reason needs to be “encouraged.” This goes double at things like meals paid for by the company where people might think the LW is concerned that ordering too much would “look bad.” The intent is often to “make the person feel they can eat more” (which is utterly ridiculous as it really makes the person feel more self-conscious, not less, but yeah) and saying “intermittent fasting” indicates that this is something the LW is doing deliberately and not a case that they are nervous about ordering too much on the company’s dime or that they can’t find anything they like on the menu or that they feel self-conscious about eating in front of others. Which is probably enough to reassure most people.

      I don’t mean to defend the pushy people. I am a very “picky eater” (sensory issues) and have been on the receiving end of it a lot, but I do think a lot of it comes from an assumption that the person isn’t happy with what they are eating and needs to be reassured that it’s “all right” to eat more.

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    7. MCMonkeybean*

      There are different ways of doing intermittent fasting and some of them can certainly involve that. I am not doing it now but I have done the 5:2 in the past and for me personally it involved eating a very small amount at lunch on my “fast” days and then the rest of my calories in the evening. During that time I did my fair share of ordering side salads or fruit cups when out for team lunches.

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  9. Collateral beauty and damage*

    I know letter 1 is from like 8-plus years ago now and the LW had found a different job by update 2 (away from anyone who knew their alcoholic boss so the chance of retaliation went way down), and that we really shouldn’t encourage LWs to dox companies…but I kind of wish that the company in that first letter could be doxxed now given the passage of time and such. Because I for one am not keen on doing business with companies that blatantly support drunk driving or even just enabling someone’s disease like that.

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  10. Dog momma*

    #3..oh my goodness, how can Gary leave the state before his court date? I think that will lead to jail time, no bail…

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    1. Lab Boss*

      That’s not necessarily true at all. Remember (assuming this is the US) Gary is currently an innocent man. People with pending trials aren’t automatically bound to the state, although they may need to get court approval before leaving and ensure they are keeping their whereabouts known. This can also vary state-t0-state, by previous criminal history, and by what the charges are.

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      1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

        exactly! And sometimes it depends on location. For example I live in a tri-state area where often people either have to work in one state and live in another, or travel to another state for the nearest big city for things like doctors appointments, shopping, etc.

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  11. Kes*

    #3 is quite the update! But I admit I’m left wondering, how did the eventual replacement hiring go since you didn’t hire Lance. Was it easy to find someone else the boss liked as much as him?

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