updates: boss keeps bringing sick child to work, manager keeps asking for rides home, and more

by Alison Green on December 11, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My boss keeps bringing her sick child to work

I tried to talk to my boss about her bringing her sick child to work with her. I tried to start with a lighthearted “they should be home watching the Price is Right,” but she shut down the conversation with a tirade about how hard it is to run a business and have kids, so I dropped the issue. Since then, I could tell that she’s had a shorter and shorter fuse, so I avoided bringing it up. I think her child must have had a good stretch of not being sick, because I didn’t see them for a while.

Unfortunately, she then scheduled to have her business renovated. The working conditions were by no means safe, but she refused to close. I brought up the safety issues multiple times, trying to frame it as “how can we figure this out together,” but she would throw up her hands and say that people would just have to deal with it. Another downside of the renovations is that she’s been so stressed about it that she turned me into her “emotional release valve.” She would lecture me for not doing things I was never told about, immediately blamed for things other people did, and whenever I fixed something she would refuse to acknowledge that I had fixed it and instead just find something else to complain about.

Long story short, I quit and cited unsafe working conditions. I also filed a health and safety complaint with the labor board.

Thank you for the advice (and all of the suggestions and support from other readers). Hopefully my next job will be better.

2. My employee wants to be promoted into a job that doesn’t exist here (and probably shouldn’t) (#2 at the link)

I followed your advice exactly. I told the employee that it would be very hard for us to make a case for the role, and if we were successful, the role would probably be moved to a different department. I was also honest about his current qualifications and how he’d need to close a gap between his current qualification and what’s needed in the role he wanted. I indicated that if he still wanted to pursue this, the first step would be to draft a document that actually makes his case. I also said that the easiest way for him to get this job, if he really wants a job like the one he’s creating, would like be to find it somewhere else where it currently exists (or exists as closely as possible to his ideal job).

I left all this in his court. I’ve heard nothing on this. However, this conversation ended up redirecting the employee. Rather than pursuing this job he’d imagined for himself, he has a renewed interest in his current job, even with regards to parts of his job that he didn’t previously have interest in. He seems to be happy for the moment.

Thank you very much for replying to my letter and your excellent advice!

3. My company has no reporting structure and no training

I’m happy to report that I took your (and your readers’) advice and walked away. I thought that was probably what I needed to do, but it was so nice to hear it from someone else when I felt like maybe I was giving up too soon.

When I gave notice at my old job, Malcolm’s reaction was shock. “But I didn’t think you were that unhappy!” was what he said. As if I hadn’t, more than once, told him “I cannot do my job like this and we have to change things.” He tried to counteroffer and promised to give the changes a try, but I knew he’d never follow through and politely declined.

I handed off my projects, checked in with those people periodically to see if they were doing ok or needed help, and otherwise took my hands off the wheel. I didn’t earn much those two weeks (we got paid based on chargeable hours), but it was worth it for the break.

I did a pretty honest exit interview and gave Malcolm some feedback for what would have kept me from leaving. I hope it helps my replacement, who was one of the team leads, is great at her job, and could really improve things if given the chance.

I’m now working for a private company in a role that is more suited to my professional skillset. Compensation is similar, I’m on salary (no overtime!), and I don’t have to manage people. I’m very happy!

4. My boss keeps asking for rides home

Funny enough, there is no update. Since writing that, he has not asked for a ride. He ended up getting a new vehicle and has not had any issues with it, knock on wood. He’s still a quirky and awkward man, but I haven’t had to give him rides anywhere. There have been a couple instances where we go off site somewhere and he has asked if we want to ride together, and I just always say no I’m taking my own car, and that’s that.

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{ 29 comments }

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  1. Valancy Stirling*

    3. When I gave notice at my old job, Malcolm’s reaction was shock. “But I didn’t think you were that unhappy!” was what he said.

    Of course he did. Why are they always shocked when an employee leaves after being ignored for months?

    1. Goldenrod*

      Came here to say this! In my experience (and from hearing other people’s stories) it’s invariably the terrible bosses who are shocked (shocked!) when anyone dares to quit.

      Even after they are told–often quite directly–that the employee is unhappy and considering leaving. It’s so (darkly) funny!

      My personal theory is that it has something to do with those kinds of bosses being so self-centered that they just quite literally CANNOT view any situation from another person’s perspective (due to their lack of empathy).

      And also I think it has to do with habitually undervaluing employees, i.e. thinking they are stuck and have nowhere else to go…Maybe it’s overestimating their own power to control others too?

      Whatever it is, it’s so predictable….yet somehow still surprising….

      1. Zona the Great*

        IME, they have shown themselves to be like this in love as well. “What?! You never told me there was an issue” while their partner had been basically begging for things to change for years. Blindsided they always are!

        1. Limotruck87*

          Yeah, that made me think of romantic relationships too. One person (typically this is gendered in heterosexual relationships, though nothing is 100%) dumps the brunt of the daily labor on the other, ignores all statements of unhappiness, complaints of burnout, and pleas for a better system, then is shocked when the other person leaves. I suspect in these cases, like Malcolm, they are ok with others’ unhappiness and dissatisfaction as long as their own needs are met. It only becomes a problem when it becomes a problem for *Malcolm*

          1. rebelwithmouseyhair*

            Not only are they shocked, they then corner unsuspecting people in bars to complain that their partner just upped and left without any warning, no idea why. Because they don’t listen, they think they are so wonderful, the other is lucky to have them. They think they have the upper hand with their just like they think they have the upper hand with their employees.
            They have no empathy, they don’t know what love and kindness is, they only know how to exploit someone who is loving and kind at home, or an employee who is hardworking and conscientious at work

        2. coffee*

          Oh, I did hear a theory about that with romantic partners! Basically, when the partner who wants change eventually gives up on the relationship, they stop begging for things to change. The unchanging partner is like, great! I love the status quo and now I’m not being asked to change it, everything is going great.

          When the wants-change partner does leave, the status-quo partner is then shocked because they’re like, didn’t the lack of complaining mean that everyone was happy? Even when you were complaining, you still stuck around! Where did this come from?

        3. ferrina*

          Exactly this.
          “But you didn’t tell me!”
          I told you. Repeatedly. For a significant amount of time.

          These bosses/partners are simply so self-centered that they are ignoring anyone else’s perspective. They are content with the status quo- nothing else matters. Besides, if they acknowledged the other person’s perspective, they would have to *shudder* change their own behavior. Heavens forbid! /s

      2. FrivYeti*

        Yeah, I think the idea of other people having agency really trips them up.

        I had a boss like this once; nice enough, but clueless. I was hired as a part-time temp for a position that was initially meant to be two months and then kept getting extended. After six month, I asked about making the job permanent – since the temp company charged the client half again my salary, even with the addition of vacation time, benefits, and a decent raise it would have cost them about the same amount. My boss said she’d look into it, but it probably wouldn’t be possible until I’d been around for a year.

        After a year, I asked again. Yes, probably soon. And then again at a year and three months. At a year and six months, I asked for a meeting and explained that I could not do a permanent job with no vacation time or benefits, and my salary was painfully low with no opportunity for raises, and if this job wasn’t becoming permanent I absolutely would have to find somewhere else. My boss admitted that the union rules didn’t allow them to hire part-time employees, so there had never been any chance of the job becoming permanent.

        When I found a new job and left three months later, she was shocked. I’d been doing so well, and surely if I’d just waited a bit longer a permanent position would have opened up!

        1. FrivYeti*

          Oh, and as a bonus – because I was a temp and not a permanent employee, company policy was that my supervisor wasn’t allowed to act as a professional reference for me; I could only use the temp company as a reference and all that they could say was “I stayed employed” because they never actually interacted with him. Which was great for job-hunting purposes.

        2. Valancy Stirling*

          This is infuriating. It’s not even the being shocked that’s the worst part – it’s the blatant lying.

    2. BigLawEx*

      But it reminds me of all the people who are shocked when a spouse leaves despite complaining or counseling. I really believe that it’s not only a lack of empathy, but also the belief that the other person is stuck.

      It’s power dynamics, I think. If the boss/spouse/whatever knew the other person could leave without financial or health insurance (US) consequences, the behavior *might* be different.

    3. Rainy*

      I had a similar conversation with the (interim) director at my last org. She was gobsmacked when I gave notice. “What in the world made you look for a new job?” she kept saying. I looked her dead in the eye and said “I have been begging for help for *years* with a workload that you know perfectly well is too much for one person, and I have gotten less than no help from leadership. We are all grotesquely underpaid. Why in the world would you think anyone in this office ISN’T looking?”

      My old office has lost seven people in the last year, four of them in the last three months. Their search for a permanent director failed when they offered it to the only viable candidate and he turned them down because the pay was too low–and they advertised it at 30 more than the last director made, which means the salary for the director role is more than 2x what the professional, credential-requiring staff positions on the team make. If low six figures was too low for him to survive in that city, imagine how the peons making $48k are managing.

      But yes, so much surprised Pikachu.

  2. Llellayena*

    LW3: “Paid based on chargeable hours” seems…not right. Is that something like a commission structure? Or an hourly wage that doesn’t include overhead hours? Because I don’t know much about how the first would work, but the second is illegal and if you’ve tracked all the overhead hours you worked (including that last week where you were there but didn’t have much billable time) you might be able to get some extra money.

    1. Silver Robin*

      I might be wrong, but billable hours are a thing in law, for example. Basically, if you are not doing work that can be charged to a client, the firm is not making money, so that is free labor. But I am not sure about docking pay based on billable hours; I know maintaining a particular percentage of billable hours or amount of money charged to billables is often a requirement of the job. If LW handed off all their billable projects, they might not be meeting those goals? not sure

      1. MrsBuddyLee*

        Billable hours are a thing in fields like law and consulting. The big caveat are those jobs are salary/Exempt – so even if you bill 0 hours you still get paid the same salary every week (until you inevitably get fired for not billing any hours).

        Billable hours goals are usually used in performance reviews and calculating bonuses, but they can’t just not pay you for not meeting those goals (at least in the US).

        Color me shocked that the company with no reporting structure and no training is doing something shady AF.

    2. Your Former Password Resetter*

      Considering Malcolms freewheeling attitude to his company, I wouldn’t be suprised if he regularly breaks labour law. He may not even realize he’s doing it.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I also thought that stunk. I know law firms have billable hours but they also presumably have to ensure minimum wage is being met; their employees aren’t contractors. I’m going to hope OP meant they *only* made the smaller hourly wage or whatever.

      If OP was some sort of contractor all that time, the DOL might like a call.

  3. Apex Mountain*

    Personally I would love to be at home watching the Price is Right. Talk about the ideal sick day as a kid. I know I would get 100 if I spun the wheel

    2. RIP Pillowfort*

      Ginger ale, crackers, lying on the couch, and the Price is Right is how to soothe an upset stomach.

      1. Jan Levinson Gould*

        Except one time when I was home sick with a vicious stomach bug and the theme of the Showcase Showdown was food. Plus all of the commercials for food. Made me feel even sicker while lying on the couch in misery. Otherwise nothing like a sick day as a kid watching TPIR!

      2. JustaTech*

        I wish I had know about the Price is Right when I stayed home sick as a kid! All we ever watched at home was PBS, and man, in the middle of the day PBS was a *wasteland* of TV for literal infants (and their stir-crazy moms). But the only other thing I could find were the soap operas, which never made any sense.

    3. Kit*

      When I was a kid, it was Supermarket Sweep, which oddly did not bother me even if I had no appetite. (I just checked to see whether this reference dated me, and turns out it does… sort of… but I’m not admitting which version it was.)

  4. Lorikeet*

    LW1 – many years ago my workplace at the time decided it was going to do a renovation while we were all still working there, just closing off various sections with heavy duty tarp which mitigated the dust (mostly) but did nothing to for the fumes and noise. Myself and a couple of others agitated around the obvious health and safety issues, went to the union, and eventually they agreed that in future the work would only occur at night.

    A week later a fire started during the works and the building burnt to the ground. I’ve never been more proud of agitating for the health and safety of my colleagues.

    2. Lenora Rose*

      … Wow, I was expecting something would go horribly wrong when I started reading, but not THAT horribly. I am so glad you and your colleagues weren’t on site for it, and you SHOULD be proud of your advocacy. (Were the renovators okay?)

      Not at my current workplace, but at my last one, the Health and Safety officer had a story about deciding as a construction worker and not yet a safety officer, that a particular set-up looked unsafe (it involved a pit dug in the ground), and he did the full formal “Refusal to work in unsafe conditions” process for that location, which was intentionally a bit daunting for the workers. Same kind of thing; the next rainfall, the pit walls collapsed, but because of the refusal to work, nobody was hurt. So yeah, he learned the importance of advocacy early on.

  5. Eurekas*

    LW #2,

    I’m thrilled for you that a direct conversation about the desired job’s prospects and unlikelihood resulted in am employee who is better focused on doing their present job well.

    1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      The OP says “He ended up getting a new vehicle and has not had any issues with it, ”

      The whole problem was that his old truck was in the shop continually.

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