updates: reported a coworker for hitting a child, the spooky question, and more

by Alison Green on December 3, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. I reported a coworker for hitting a child (#2 at the link)

I figured out after doing some more research that he was actually not a current employee, although his LinkedIn made it seem that way. So I didn’t inform my employer at first. However, several months later I got called to testify in court, and he ended up being sentenced for hitting the child based on my testimony (but not for shoving me, that part never made it into the indictment, which I am totally fine with).

About six months later, when I was walking to work, he suddenly showed up and confronted me in front of my office. So at that point, I got my employer’s security involved and informed my boss and we ended up having extra security for a while. He never showed up again at my work. But I do see him around town and unfortunately we run in the same circles in a particular hobby that our kids share, so that has led to having to have some strategies to stay safe and unfortunately my kids and I can’t participate in certain activities around that hobby. What I took away from this is that anything that happens to you in a small town can end up being an issue at work!

2. My employee says he’s “already thought of” every suggestion I make

The short update: I didn’t say anything to my employee.

The longer update: Your advice and the advice from the forum were incredibly helpful in getting me to see that I was at least as likely to be doing something wrong as my employee and why. Just writing the letter and seeing how seriously you all took it made me feel validated — that his behavior WAS annoying and problematic. But once I had it off my chest, I decided to change my behavior instead of asking him to change his. Maybe I chickened out, but I didn’t feel good about bringing it up directly with him.

Instead, over these months, I have focused on letting him have time to think through a process thoroughly and to ask for his plan rather than jumping right into telling him what to do or how to do it better. By taking myself out of his planning or production process, I have shown him that he has ownership and my trust. And to his credit, he’s stepped up. While he still doesn’t do everything as I would, and there are still times when I will make suggestions, he’s been much more receptive to them and far less likely to come back with, “Yep, I was already thinking about doing that.”

In the past year, our organization suffered a significant crisis that required us to expand our skills into new and frightening territory. We had each other’s backs throughout the ordeal. That experience cemented our trust, and he’s more confident about fully inhabiting his role. Others at our organization have commented that he seems more productive and engaged.

So, I was the problem all along. Sigh.

But seriously, thanks, Alison, and thanks to the readers for giving me space to work out the problem and giving me great advice.

Sign me: A better manager now.

3. The spooky question

It’s brought me great joy that you enjoyed the tale of me asking my coworker if she had ever seen a dead body so much that you published it two years in a row! I know mine was a Mortification Week submission and not a regular question, but I have an update for you!

At the time of the story, I was working in an agency, and I was young and new and desperate for people to like me, so I was trying to make any conversation I could. Most of the women in that office were very cliquey (like, nine people wearing the same outfit in one day), and I was very much the outsider. Today, I’m a lot more secure in myself and happier!

I also (and this is what made me think to write in) work at a hospital now! Yesterday, five separate people told me about their experiences with dead bodies, unprompted. I don’t know that that’s a good or bad thing, but I’m not only NOT an outsider here, I’m well-liked and in a leadership position! I definitely am slower to speak though, and I’m not desperate to make conversation or friends.

4. AI attending meetings (#2 at the link)

Thank you for your response to my question about an AI notetaker unexpectedly appearing in a meeting — it was really helpful in helping me think about why I was uncomfortable with the AI notetaker and what sort of rules we might have around them.

As it turned out, the person who was using the AI notetaker didn’t realize it was attending all their Zoom meetings. And this did prompt my team to have a discussion about how to deal with AI notetakers; we now boot them when we see they’re in meetings, and check with the person identified as the “owner” of the notetaker. (I think in every case, they’ve been unaware the bot was attending for them.) We’re also working on a new notetaker policy, because it feels important that these meetings remain a space where people feel they can talk openly.

5. How do I not lose hope in a highly competitive field?

Thank you so much for answering my letter so many years ago. This is an update to the question I wrote during a very fraught time in my life.

I continued my search for the academic job well into the pandemic. However, the sudden loss of all work in 2020 nevertheless forced me (as it no doubt did others) to seriously reevaluate my life and priorities. I became aware that what I had been trying to do was simply not sustainable, neither physically nor mentally. In response to Alison’s “can you do this for ten more years” question, I finally realized the answer was “no.” I began to cast my net for a much broader range of jobs. Two years into the pandemic, I was hired for a directorship at a firm across the country. It was far from my home network and, though it let me remain in my field, it was not something I really ever imagined myself doing. But it turns out I am not only good at the work — I enjoy it!

Ironically, as soon as I was hired for this firm, a university in the area reached out to me to teach some classes there. It seems that my new industry job gave me credentials that were attractive for teaching! I don’t teach full time, but I actually really enjoy the variety of my life. I have a job that I like and keeps me comfortable, and I get to enjoy teaching the wonderful students at this school without the pressures of a full-time professorship.

Life isn’t perfect — in my field, I will never be rich, and my job is high pressure and public. My teaching contract is per-semester, so I also know that I’m not guaranteed to be able to keep doing it. I’m still far busier than is healthy, and I crave a better work-life balance. Even so, I feel very lucky to be employed doing work I love, and I don’t think it would have been possible to do that without doing some letting go. I’m also working with a therapist on creating better boundaries with my work and personal life, and have made good progress addressing my achievement/self-worth issues that some commenters astutely read between the lines of my original letter.

I really appreciated your gentle but forthright advice. I also appreciated the empathy of the comments, though some were hard to read. A few people felt that I had expressed entitlement, classism, or gendered expectations by my word choices, and that hurt; but I can see why I came across that way. My field is deeply male-dominated and I think that the past few years have opened my eyes both to the internal and external effects of that on others and on myself. I am beginning to see that that environment compounded my need to prove my worth in an unhealthy way. I’ve recently become involved in some organizations that strive to make my field friendlier and more welcoming, especially to my fellow women and nonbinary colleagues. This has been incredibly fulfilling and healing, and I am trying to learn as much as I can so I can strive to be as good a role model as I can for my students.

I sort of wish I could go back and tell a younger me that the perfect/most prestigious job is not the most important thing in the world; that there are so many facets of life that make it worth living, and that those facets are deeply personal. I think exploring what I truly wanted out of life beyond my career would have saved me a lot of grief and pain—and time. That said, in some ways I think I had to go through this to come to this point, which is of course still evolving.

Thank you again for publishing my letter, and to everyone for their kind insights.

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{ 46 comments }

{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Kevin Sours*

    One of the hardest things about delegation is separating “not the way I’d do it” from “doing it wrong” and learning to let the former go.

    Reply ↓
    1. Archi-detect*

      and bonus “slightly wrong but not worth getting bothered about.” Some things just aren’t worth the energy for either person

      Reply ↓
    2. Jennifer Strange*

      YUP. Delegation has previously been difficult for me because I can get very rigid on how things are done. Thankfully, in the last couple of years one of my biggest growths has been being able to separate when things need to be done a certain way for a reason and when I was just doing them a certain way because it’s the way I prefer. I still get stuck in my ways, but it’s been baby steps (and I think having a child has helped me in that regard).

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      1. Catagorical*

        Well, as Alison wisely said, it does depend. I am one of the few that stayed on that unrealistic path, clear-eyed, and for me it was so very, very well worth it.

        But I knew what I was signing up for.

        I am thrilled for the letter written, having found an excellent and reasonable compromise. But not everyone can, or “should”.

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        1. boof*

          If you love it so much and/or have the independent resources that it’s worth it, then it’s worth it to keep trying! But I think too often the answer to some of these tracks are “no actually there’s plenty of other things that I would also enjoy and would have a better quality of life” but they just aren’t presented as serious options early on but more like “oh I guess if you can’t hack it doing the One True Thing (because you can be sustained on pure drive and curiosity forever) maybe there’s something out there that will make vulgar money” – IDK I abandoned that path over a decade ago now and still am kinda mad that vocational training and actual thoughtfullness about “what does a career really look like” isn’t touted, or at least discussed more early on

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          1. kicking-k*

            Yeah. My academic career derailed fairly early in post-grad, and I definitely had a sense then of “If I don’t pursue a PhD and an academic career, I have no options other than Selling Out and Going Corporate,” and that was just not true. But the available information made it seem that way. My university careers centre back then was candid that for humanities grads they could mostly offer advice on “ABC” careers – accountancy, banking and (management) consultancy, all fine careers but not what I was suited for. I really hope that has improved in the 20 years since. I see a lot of effort by my children’s school to bring parents in to talk about their careers and that seems like a positive step – although it’s evidently hard for working parents to find the time during the school day!

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            1. Selina Luna*

              My biggest problem with career days like that is that they only do them at elementary schools. Elementary school kids should totally be exposed to different careers. At that point, they might not have seen many. But high school kids are the ones who really need career days. Have a day where every single business you can wrangle sets up a small booth and gives kids a prize for getting 20 stamps showing they listened to 20 presentations about 20 careers. I don’t know. Something. Because a lot of these kids in high school have been fed the “you must go to college” line, and maybe they want to, and that’s great, but perhaps they just want to go to work, and they should be able to learn what the options for that are too. I’ve had one of my current students every year since he was in 7th grade. He’s graduating now (I transferred schools), and he doesn’t have the grades to attend a 4-year university. He’s not even sure if he wants to. His parents are okay with him going into the military, but they want him to join the Corps of Engineers, and he doesn’t have the ASVAB scores for that. So, he doesn’t know what he wants to do outside of high school. I think that visiting with a bunch of business owners and learning where he could be the most useful would help him, especially to figure out if he wants to start at the local community college (my suggestion to him), to join the military (also a fine choice), or to try to go to a 4-year college nearby that is very small and allows in most applicants.

              Reply ↓
            2. The Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon*

              I have spent so much time talking with friends who seem to believe the only jobs are doctor, lawyer, banker, consultant, and professor. It is maddening!

              Reply ↓
  4. MicroManagered*

    OP1 this sounds like a great case for a restraining order. I think if anyone can’t participate in the hobby, it should be him not you. Might want to look into it?

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    1. Seashell*

      Considering the last issue with this guy was about 5 years ago and he was never convicted of a crime against the LW, I suspect that ship has already long since sailed. She could check, but best not to get her hopes up.

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    2. Crystal Claire*

      Agreed. I would consult with a lawyer first to see what options you might have. That confrontation he had with you at your work might be useful information to pass along.

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    3. Lilo*

      At this time, probably not, but when it occurred (six months later) contacting the prosecutor would have been appropriate. There may have been a stayaway order from any witnesses.

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    4. OP1*

      Hi, so I think that might be true in some places but not here (we are not in the US). I called the police at the time and they made an informal note about the encounter, but since he didn’t say anything outright threatening and it was a public place, it’s not criminal. If he had persisted and done it regularly, it could have become criminal and potentially maybe grounds for a restraining order, but he never did. Restraining orders here are reserved for very extreme cases of domestic violence and stalking. It seems to me like in the US they are more liberal with putting them in place.

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      1. basically functional*

        I don’t think the US is particularly liberal with restraining orders. Many people just don’t understand how difficult it is to obtain one. A friend of mine had a stalker who would show up at her workplace, drive by her house, leave notes on her car, slash her tires, and put trackers on her car. It was still incredibly hard and took years for her to get a restraining order (the trackers on her car finally did it).

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  5. Feral Humanist*

    LW5, you’ve described a journey that so many people with a PhD have found themselves on. Those of us who were trained as academics absorbed certain ideas about the academy –– that it’s a true meritocracy, that it’s a haven from capitalism, that it is the only place you can expect to find intellectual fulfillment, that wanting a steady paycheck and health insurance is “selling out.” Unlearning those lessons can take years. I am so glad that you got out of the vicious cycle of the academic job market and found a situation that works for you. I’m sure your students are grateful for your mix of academic and industry experiences, which are important for them to see, too.

    Reply ↓
  6. Falling Diphthong*

    #4, this is how the Robot Apocalypse starts.

    20 years from now, I wonder what we’ll sigh and attribute to AI?

    Reply ↓
  7. Valancy Stirling*

    I absolutely love when we get updates several years later. It gives me hope to see some of my favorite letters updated someday!

    Reply ↓
  8. Rob Moss Mob Boss*

    OP 1, you really are amazing. And I’m sorry you had to pay a price for it. In real life, where it counts, you are truly a hero. That’s Something with a capital S.

    Reply ↓
  9. Too many birds*

    OP 2, I’m so impressed! It’s really great to read a real-life story of a manager considering whether they can solve a problem by empowering a staff member, rather than the opposite. You sound like a great boss, FWIW.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bruce*

      I think back to my early days as a manager and cringe. Finding how to empower good employees is so much better than being a micromanager, good for you to see the way to grow!

      Reply ↓
    2. one of the annas*

      I was coming here to add the same thing – I think every decent manager goes through this learning process, and unfortunately a bunch of terrible managers never do. I’m so impressed with OP2 and slightly envious of their employee

      Reply ↓
  10. Zelleniel*

    I might be the odd one out here but I don’t see an issue with AI transcription tools in a lot of meeting contexts! It never feels like a safe assumption that things in a work context won’t be repeated outside the meeting and frankly I’d prefer to have a record of my input than something distorted being repeated. Now I think it’s different for 1:1s or perhaps meetings where there are sensitive topics on the agenda, but for project meetings or general team meetings I don’t see the harm.

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    1. Cogitator*

      Fair enough, but I definitely find it unsettling that the alleged owners don’t even know the transcription bot is attending!

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    2. Curious*

      One problem with AI transcription is that the AI is “learning” based on what was discussed at your meeting — which may cause concerns if anything discussed is (perhaps unexpectedly?) confidential.

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      1. Zelleniel*

        That’s not always true – AI certainly can learn based on input, like ChatGpt or other similar models, but most transcription software i.e. Zoom’s AI assistant doesn’t use customer data to train the model; zoom has used AI to create a model, but that model is not learning based on the info discussed in the meeting. Obviously it’s important to vet the tools you use, or your companies IT team may do it on your behalf, but not all AI actively ingests your data to use it. I did fact check this with Zoom’s privacy policy – not sure I can link here but worth a read if you’re interested!

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        1. amoeba*

          Even ChatGPT doesn’t actually learn from user input! I mean, it does for the context of that specific conversation, but it doesn’t use the data for training. At all.

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    3. WS*

      The harm is that you don’t know where that transcribed content is going, or who has access to it afterwards. At the very least the AI is now training on it. But I work in healthcare so I don’t think I ever have a meeting that doesn’t have something confidential in it.

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      1. Tea Monk*

        Yes, our meetings are like so CHILD A did a crime, had some medical issue or had poor mental health. not the sort of thing you’d want to go into an unethical company’s data hoard

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    4. Mockingjay*

      We conduct meetings via Teams and the AI bot is only somewhat useful in transcriptions – we use a lot of industry jargon and it simply can’t discern what these things are. Transcripts are mostly gibberish. We’ve used the audio recording function a few times, mostly to have it ‘just in case.’ As far as I know, we’ve never checked the recordings either. We rely on minutes for action items and personal notes for our own tasks.

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  11. Velawciraptor*

    So impressed by the introspection and growth by #2! Absolutely great work giving your employee the space to learn and grow.

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  12. Rincewind*

    LW3 – As someone who worked in the medical field, it’s a much less weird question in a hospital! (I have, in fact, watched people die. I’ve lost track of the number of people who I’ve cared for after death, as well, which covers the companion question of “have you ever seen/touched a dead body?” Comes with the territory when you work in elder care.)

    I’m glad to hear you found a new job where you fit in!

    Reply ↓
  13. CubeFarmer*

    It sounds like one issue with LW#2 is that they were a bit of a micromanager, which is awesome. I worked for someone who was alternatively scattered and hyper-focused micromanager and it was infuriating. Now that I’m managing my team, I made sure to let someone have a chance at solving the problem themselves first.

    Reply ↓
  14. carrot cake*

    “So, I was the problem all along. Sigh.”
    ——

    Maybe, maybe not. Some employees really like direction from their managers. Others, like this one, seem to feel a bit anxious if they don’t step up right away, as though they have to prove something. It’s a knee-jerk reaction without substance, itself a problem.

    So, while of course I’m glad things worked out for you, I wouldn’t sell yourself short as “the problem” simply because you found your groove with this particular employee.

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    1. N C Kiddle*

      I think “the problem” is often a really unhelpful framing. Unless one party is really out of line, the problem is usually in the dynamic between them, so changing how you approach the situation is going to change the dynamic and maybe solve the problem, but that doesn’t mean your behaviour is “the problem”. Just that that’s the part you can control.

      Reply ↓
  15. Happy to see self-reflection*

    So many comments in OP2’s original letter were aggressive to the employee, that I am surprised and gladdened that OP2 was able to weigh those insults and snarky suggestions appropriately, listen to the advice that pointed out her contribution to the issue, and start acting with less pressure, rushing, and micro-managering.

    Not many people have that strength of character. Sincere Congratulations!

    Reply ↓
  16. Pizza Rat*

    LW2: I commend you for being self-aware enough to consider that you changing your behavior could help . Many people would not.

    My experience as a manager bears out what you’ve learned. If an employee feels like you trust them, they are more confident and able to perform better. And you have each other’s backs. Well done!

    Reply ↓
  17. Jack Straw from Wichita*

    YES: “I sort of wish I could go back and tell a younger me that the perfect/most prestigious job is not the most important thing in the world; that there are so many facets of life that make it worth living.”

    I think back to myself 20 years ago, heck even 10 years, and I’m so much happier now that I don’t connect so much of my life and self-worth to my work. <3

    Reply ↓
  18. Coraline*

    No Experience Needed, No Boss Over il Your FD Shoulder… Say Goodbye To Your Old Job! Limited Number Of Spots Open……. hik.net.in/@unicorn

    Reply ↓

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