update: my manager says my shyness is seen as rudeness

by Alison Green on December 30, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose manager said her shyness was seen as rudeness? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

I have quite the update and many people may be surprised at the final outcome!

I reread my first update and one of my comments made me laugh inwardly: “My new boss is great and isn’t a mismatch like before.” Wow was I wrong! I was still running on the high of leaving my dead end job and getting the job I wanted more than any other I had applied to. As time went along, I realized that the mistakes I was making and the dread I was feeling and overall feeling of trying to keep my head above water all the time was not just growing pains. It was no longer a new job and things hadn’t gotten better.

Instead of receiving full training, I was given more of an overview and then given a manual or other documentation to fill in the cracks. This might be fine for some people, but I don’t learn that way. This got worse when two people on our team of four left and it was just me and the director. When I would ask questions, she would get annoyed and say “You should know this.” But again, I was never really trained so I wasn’t sure how I should know.

I was pretty miserable and really ready to quit about 8ish months in (on top of everything else I had to work evenings and weekends), but because we were down two team members and going through a busy time I was determined to stick it out until my other coworker (the manager) came back from maternity leave. She came back and things got a little better because I could ask her questions instead (which she welcomed and was very patient about) and gave a buffer between me and my boss.

Well, things started to go downhill again and one day I was sitting at my desk, staying late, researching an issue, and I overheard my boss in her office talking to a manager from a different department about me. Straight up venting about me. Some of it was fair but a lot of it wasn’t. After listening a little (shouldn’t have eavesdropped but it was about me and I’m human) I got up and left. And I know she saw me leave. I called my husband crying and told him I was quitting. I submitted my resignation the next day and worked my two weeks in order to collect my vacation payout. I quit without anything lined up and was thankfully able to take 3 months off for my mental health which had deteriorated (I was also going through a few big things in my personal life).

I laughed at my previous update because the job and most especially my boss were a HUGE mismatch.

On another note, I had actually realized before I even left my first job that I didn’t want to work in my field anymore. I was in a support field (think IT, HR, AP etc.) I had studied in school. I should have made my move when I left my last job, but I was too scared. Even though I was only 4 years into my career it seemed impossible to start a different career with no marketable skills other than what I had. Also it made me feel like my hard work getting my degree (and the money my grandparents gave me for school) was going to waste. But after my experience and some time off I knew it was time to make a change.

There was an open receptionist position at my old company with my old boss and I talked to them and was offered the job on the spot. I took it! I know it seems crazy but I took a gamble that it was my field and the job, not the company, that was making me so miserable and 6 months in it turns out I was right! Here are a few highlights:

  • I was given a promotion two months in and it turns out I have found my niche! I LOVE the new work!
  • I already know my old boss and how to navigate her. Also like I said in my first update I really like her as a person. She has been great so far and has started becoming a mentor again.
  • I have always loved this company and the people here, I just hated my job.I am working with two of my best friends again; that has been great.
  • Leadership here loves and me and always has, which gives me some good capital. I am always told how appreciated I am.
  • A manager I was terrified of before is now actually what I would consider a good acquaintance and has praised my work (big deal coming from her).
  • I have reconnected with another mentor who I really like and respect.
  • I still have some difficult health things going on and have received all of the flexibility I have needed.
  • Everybody seems really happy to have me back.

Overall, I never knew I could be so happy at work. I am even slightly more outgoing naturally because I am no longer miserable and dreading coming in every day (no comments or passive aggressive emails have been made about my quiet nature lol). Things aren’t perfect of course, but no job is and it’s going better than I could have hoped. I know it’s only been 6 months and things can change, but so far so good.

TL:DR – My new job sadly ended up being an awful fit. I went back to my old company with a change in field/job and I am happier at work than ever!

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  1. Zanshin*

    Great update!!!
    Sometimes we get so invested in what we trained to do that we don’t realize we just plain don’t enjoy doing it.
    Sounds like a more “soft skills” job aligns better with who you are – whch opens up a big wide world of future options!

    1. Lala*

      I have a Jane at my job. The problem for me is that when I was new and didn’t know What the Hell I was Doing, she was helpful. Or at least it seemed so then. In hindsight, I question that, but now she is far from helpful. She is nosy, intrusive, and an obnoxious know it all. Because of course she knows how to do everything.

      The thing is, anybody could really do my job. It is just a question of how well and I’ve now figured out my Jane couldn’t do it well. At all. She just makes me grit my teeth. Whatever mistakes your coworkers make…not your job to correct them. It is overbearing in the extreme.

  2. tables*

    What an interesting update! I sympathize as another quiet person. I used to be self conscious about it, but in my experience over the years, if you’re overall good at your job and easy to get along with, most adults don’t care if you’re quiet and will want to get to know you and appreciate you anyway. And if they do care, then I’ve learned to shrug and say “I’m just a quiet person”.

  3. cindylouwho*

    As someone who is currently in a job I hate and fear that I’ll hate all jobs, this was very uplifting.

    1. Bast*

      For the first half of my career, I worked at 2 firms with high drama levels, high turnover, and constant… and I mean CONSTANT… BS of one form or another. Screaming, swearing, dramatic “someone here will be fired in an hour” meetings, underhanded Game of Thrones politics, you name it. I hated going to work, and became physically ill some mornings. I became resigned to the fact that that was just how it was, and while some offices were slightly better, I came to the conclusion that they were all more or less the same. When I first moved to my current office and everyone was exceedingly professional, I was in shock and kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. My new job is not perfect, but I have never dreaded going to work here. It can change. It can get better, whether it’s the job itself or the environment.

  4. CzechMate*

    So excited about this update! I hadn’t seen the original letter, and when I went back and read it, I was pretty shocked. Nothing about what OP did was rude or standoffish, but even if it was, that’s the kind of feedback you give *in-person* during a 1:1, not in an email. Not surprised it all ended up being a bad fit. To me it sounds more like she was a) projecting her own insecurities onto OP, or b) OP is also a woman (or has some other identities in common with the manager) and the manager was trying to “look out” for OP in a wildly out-of-line way. (Ex. “Hey, I don’t know if you noticed, but as a woman, people really DO expect you to smile in the office…”)

    Glad you’re out and doing better, OP!

    1. FunkyMunky*

      she’s now back working with that same old manager though, the one that gave her that email feedback
      so I’m a little conflicted with the latest update

  5. Funfetti*

    Agreed – especially the soft skills part. I saw you mentioned your work was IT help/HR support that definitely lends itself to receptionist/administrative work well as you’re constantly getting things/tracking/having info. I’m so glad you got the happy ending here with a job you like at a company you love.

  6. Insubordinate Clause*

    I’m glad you realized that quietness is not a character flaw. I work in marketing and personalities range from aggressive (those more involved with sales) to introverted (market research, for example). I wouldn’t want to do what they do and vice versa. One of my favorite compliments was when my aggressive manager said, after a few months of working together, “When you didn’t talk much, I thought you were like a deer in the headlights – confused. But then I realized, through your work, that you understood fine and were just processing the information your own way.” Perceptive guy.

    1. Elle*

      Truth. As someone in a technical role but organized under marketing, I have to point out that a loud and quick response isn’t the same as a thoughtful or correct one.

  7. MassMatt*

    I’m glad things worked out for the LW, though I’m confused how being a receptionist is a good fit for someone who finds it hard to say “hello”.

    1. TMBL*

      I’m not the OP but I strongly relate to them. It’s typically because people will approach you and start the conversations. Instead of having to be the one who has to speak up or ask questions themselves. The issue is being afraid someone doesn’t want to talk to you or that you’re interrupting them.

      We can have conversations, we just suck at starting them. I can answer the phone all day, I will avoid initiating calls any chance I get ;)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I had a painfully shy coworker at an old job who was exactly like this. He was a junior in his department and always seemed so serious and busy I never wanted to bother him. One day when we were all enjoying an office lunch together, he was standing randomly near the food table and I just started talking to him. He turned out to be lovely!

      4. allathian*

        I’m an introvert and I was also a shy kid with probably some social anxiety, too. In my late teens I got over my shyness by getting my first retail job and joining my high school drama club. Scripted conversations made things so much easier for me that I basically got over my shyness and social anxiety.

        I’m still an introvert, but a chatty one, and I don’t get anxious in social situations anymore, at least not unless they’re particularly high stakes. At work I can speak up freely even at large meetings, but I don’t voluntarily seek out opportunities to give presentations to large audiences.

        Anxiety is a medical condition and I don’t think there are any circumstances where anxiety would be beneficial, so IMO it’s always a good idea to work on it and if you can and to seek medical assistance for it if necessary.

        Shyness implies a lack of self-confidence, and at least in Western cultures it makes life unnecessarily hard for many people. As I matured and my confidence grew, I became less shy and the world became a much more pleasant place for me.

        Introversion is related to whether spending time with other people drains or energizes you. Introverts also tend to care less about being liked than extroverts, so they’re also much less susceptible to peer pressure. (My son, who’s 15 and an introvert, although a fairly chatty one, will simply walk away if his friends want to do something he doesn’t want to do.)

    2. Mostly Managing*

      Having worked reception (though not currently) – it’s a very scripted role.
      You don’t have to think about whether to initiate contact, you don’t have to think about what to say, you just say the things you are meant to and 95% of the time that’s all.
      “thank you for calling Llamas R Us, how may I direct your call?”
      “good morning, who are you here to see? Ok, I’ll let them know you’re here. Would you like a cup of tea while you wait?”

      etc.

      It’s actually a fairly easy job for people who don’t want conversation.

      1. daeranilen*

        Exactly this – it also has the knock-on benefit of making you much better at highly scripted interactions when you’re on the other end of them. I went from having utterly paralyzing phone call anxiety to being the kind of person who gets annoyed when a business wants you to contact them by methods that aren’t calling.

      2. Resentful Oreos*

        As someone who has worked in reception, can confirm. It’s all very structured and scripted. People don’t expect scintillating wit and conversation, just politeness and efficiency. Visitors can see you have other things to do, so (most) won’t try and make casual chit chat about anything more than the weather or how about that local sports team.

        As long as you are not in the unfortunate position of encountering a large volume of rude entitled people, reception is surprisingly *good* for awkward or shy people.

    3. Bast*

      I have a much easier time interacting professionally than personally. There’s a “rule book” per se with how I act with colleagues, clients, bosses, etc., that isn’t there when I’m trying to figure someone out in the outside world. In addition to this, it very rarely is overly personal. It’s quite hard to get under my skin at work for this same reason, and I can take most things in stride as “just part of the job.” It isn’t like that when trying to mediate disputes with friends, family, and other people you care about with situations you are involved in on a personal level.

      TLDR: I’d have a much easier time chatting up a potential client regarding their case in a professional setting than I would trying to make a new friend in a laid back setting.

    1. Lab Rabbit*

      Please read the responses to the comment from MassMatt just above this one. Like Clarissa, they explain it all.

  9. mbs001*

    Sorry but it seems that you are the one who moves around quite a bit and might be the issue — not the prior companies.

    1. Lab Rabbit*

      This is really unfair. There was some dysfunction at both companies that was obviously not OP’s fault, and it’s not atypical to move around a bit early in one’s career.

      Also, OP’s current company is their prior company.

    2. Leenie*

      People who are welcomed back by their previous employers are not usually thought of as problem employees. Or did you miss that part?

    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Right, because you, random stranger, know more than the OP about her own life! Her letters full of her own thoughts and experiences are somehow wrong and you have found the true issue! Thank goodness you dropped your pearls of wisdom.

    4. Isben Takes Tea*

      We’ve seen a good share of letters here where employees have moved on quickly (or even back!) after acknowledging a mismatch. I don’t think two job moves in one year spells “problem.”

    6. Ember*

      What a peculiarly uninformed comment. Perhaps this is a reading comprehension issue? Try rereading the post carefully, and really think about each piece of information, and see if you can figure out where you went wrong.

  10. AndersonDarling*

    I read the last update and the OP stated a concept so beautifully. They had a boss that wanted them to perform.
    I’d been pondering managers that ask their staff to work early/late/late nights, or take notes in a certain style, or take meditative walks at lunch, or talk more/less, or eat bananas for breakfast…all ideas that the manager decided is “the only” way to be successful. And you have to play along to stay on their good side.
    It’s an act, and your manager wants you to perform. That’s the core of it.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      This.
      Pro-tip: just treat people like the competent workers they are and not captive cetaceans at Sea World.

    2. SAS*

      I’m really curious as to whether this boss has changed this aspect of their management at all. LW has gone back and listed “I know how to navigate her” as a benefit of the new job, rather than, “they know me and I can be myself”.

      Really hope it works out for LW.

  11. Fotze*

    Wow OP! KUDOS to being brace enough to give notice and move on! I think it was 100% the right choice after hearing what you heard, and I admire the strength you had to have had in order to get through it.
    Glad to hear things are working out for you (for real this time!)

  12. FunkyMunky*

    I’m a little conflicted with this last update, parts like “Also like I said in my first update I really like her as a person. She has been great so far and has started becoming a mentor again.” especially because she mentioned in the original letter that she felt she couldn’t trust that boss anymore because of some other behavior. it’s almost like she’s now glazing over things that originally upset her? And I don’t personally understand how support job didn’t work but reception does? I work at a company, where we used to share some of the reception responsibilities when we used to be in person and it’s not the best fit for a very introverted person – comments above mentioned how it’s only certain scripted parts you need to say on the phone. Uh no. Being a receptionist often means wearing many different hats and includes daily chats with various different people, and managers. To me it just sounds that the OP realized that grass is always greener on the other side and came full circle.

    1. LaminarFlow*

      I got a bit of that as well from this debacle.

      It also seems strange that the manager who thought LW was too shy/perceived the shyness as rudeness would hire LW into such a frontline/customer facing role.

    2. linger*

      Maybe it depends how much OP’s role intersects with that of this manager? i.e. the receptionist role intersects less (or, intersects only in limited, fairly scripted ways) so that “mentorship” can be more clearly distinguished from “micromanaging behaviour”.
      Still (noting that it took a few months for problems with the second manager to become clear), it will be interesting to see if OP revises this assessment again in another 6 months.

    3. Resentful Oreos*

      Receptionists just have to interact in very scripted and limited ways with the public. “Good afternoon, Seaworth Shipping, how may I direct your call?” “I’ll tell Davos that Lucinda is here for her 2 PM interview. Would you like some water?” Your job is to be polite, professional, and efficient, not chatty or witty or even conversational.

    4. Oldsbone*

      Eh, as an introverted teacher (who did customer service and customer service management in college), I can do my job all day. Even when it’s interaction, it feels like I’m on a stage doing a role and that’s easier than large social situations. OP might view receptionist work the same way. People are weird sometimes in how we navigate life, and that’s what makes us interesting.

  14. WillowSunstar*

    Glad OP is happy! It can be hard to find that niche job we love. I myself am currently looking because of receiving a layoff notice for early 2025.

  15. Mimmy*

    What a wonderful update! While my situation is different, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve been feeling; that is, whether your misery comes from the job, the environment, the field, etc. I think many of us can relate to this. I know I’m wrestling with this myself. I am so pleased to see that you’ve landed in a job that, so far, seems to be a healthy fit. Crossing fingers things stay positive in the long term.

  16. Killer Queen (OP)*

    Hello all, OP here! I appreciate the kind comments from some :) I actually wrote this update 6 months ago, so it’s been a year now and things are still going really well!

    A couple notes: I know I’m shy, but being a receptionist wasn’t hard. It’s like several commenters said, it’s a lot easier for me to talk and be friendly when I am approached. And as a receptionist I was approached or was answering incoming calls so it wasn’t a problem.
    Also, my promotion was to another support position rather than a higher receptionist/admin assistant job. It’s a completely different department to what I did before and I enjoy it a lot.
    Also, I realize it seems weird I would go back to my old boss. Knowing what I know now, my boss was going through something personally when she sent me that original email and she was acting a little unhinged because of that. She is in a much better place now and would not send an email like that. Also she does not expect me to perform and is fully supportive of my quiet nature. Although like I said in the update being happier at work does make me more outgoing naturally. Either way though, I’m really happy with going back and that’s what matters!

    1. Insert Clever Name Here*

      I love a bonus update within an update :) I’m glad you’ve found a good fit and that you were able to learn that the email was actually an outlier and not an indication of your boss’s true feelings. Hope all continues to go smoothly for you!

    2. Leenie*

      Thanks for the update! And for this bonus update, as well. It’s great to hear that you’re still happy with your decision. Happy New Year!

    3. FunkyMunky*

      ahh this answers some of my questions! I think it’s fair to say we are all happy that you’re happy! Happy New Year, OP!

    4. Lanam*

      I’m so happy for you!!! If you’re comfortable sharing – did boss #2 ever acknowledge / apologize for what happened?

      1. Killer Queen (OP)*

        She did. I remember when it happened I talked to her about it. It’s a bit of a blur lol, but I think I told her I would prefer her talking to me in her office if she has a concern and she said sorry and that she would remember that going forward. But I resigned shortly after. Since I started back she has only given me constructive feedback in person. She does also offer a lot of positive feedback over email, phone, and in person as well. Things have improved a lot.

  17. Me*

    I also am someone who feels awkward breaking into other people’s conversations just to say “bye.” Do I just start talking over them until they shut up so that I can say “bye “? This seems rude to me.

    OP – I am glad you have a good outcome.

    1. Fanny Price*

      Personally, I catch the eye of someone in the conversation and wave. If they don’t want to stop and say goodbye, they just wave back, or even just smile at me. If they have something they want to say to me before I leave, they pause the conversation they’re already in.

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