my boss’s wife cheated on him in front of me, and now he’s icing me out at work

by Alison Green on January 6, 2025

A reader writes:

I work for an office of 20/30somethings with a strong drinking culture — our events inevitably end up in pubs late into the night and include all partners, funders, etc. This is not abnormal in my industry.

The other night, we were all out late after a successful event and the boss invited everyone to his house for an afterparty. His wife and I got separated from the group, and she was very keen on “remedying” my singleness, so started talking to a random guy outside a nightclub and invited him back to the house “for me.” My boss very quickly Irish goodbye-ed and went to bed, and I fell asleep on the couch with people chatting around me.

When I awoke, I saw my boss’s very drunk wife kissing this random dude, then leading him by the hand upstairs. I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the night, so I waited until I could catch the first train in the morning. Eventually I heard someone walk down the stairs and out the front door. I was sneaking out when I was surprised by his wife, who said, “Did you hook up with that guy?” I blurted out, “No, but you did!” and she burst into tears, saying she was married and so embarrassed.

I left, and then received a call from my boss asking me to tell him everything that happened and then asking, “What do I do?” and requesting that I not tell anyone at work.

Since then, my boss has barely spoken or looked at me, to the point that higher-ups have called for a meeting to ask about the office dynamic. I am at a loss for how to deal with this (beyond never drinking with my coworkers again). I don’t think I can tell the higher-ups why my boss is being so cold to me, but I’m not sure what to say.

You can indeed tell them what’s going on with your boss, and you might need to.

First, though, if you want, you can try talking to your boss directly. Whether or not that makes sense will depend on your relationship with your boss and what he’s generally like, but in some cases it might move things forward if you say, for example, “My sense is that you’ve felt awkward around me since last weekend, and I want you to know that I don’t consider that any of my business whatsoever. As far I’m concerned, I’ve wiped it from my mind and never plan to think about it again! I do need to talk to you as my boss, though, so I’m hoping we can go back to our normal relationship, which I really valued.”

You could also say, “Rupert and Margaret have asked me what’s going on with the office dynamic. I don’t think what happened the other week is any of their business — just as it’s not any of my business either — and I’d like to be able to tell them everything is fine between us. Can we put this behind us before I have to meet with them?”

Or, with some people, you could skip that and just look for opportunities to interact as normally as possible with him, as often as possible — on the theory that he’ll take cues from you and if you’re making a point of demonstrating “I’m comfortable just being normal and not dwelling on what happened,” it’ll make it easier for him to relax back into a normal dynamic. With some people and in some situations, this is remarkably effective.

But if neither of those approaches work or feel doable, then I do think you’ll need to seriously consider telling your higher-ups what’s going on when they ask. You don’t need to get super specific (“Jeb’s wife hooked up with a random dude and I saw it”); you could say, “I witnessed something awkward between him and his wife at a party and he hasn’t seemed comfortable talking to me since then. I don’t consider it any of my business and I’d like to move forward but I’m not sure how to navigate it.”

Is that an awkward thing to say to higher-ups? Sure. But it’s not okay for your boss to freeze you out (over anything, ever, but especially over something like this) and if that’s the path he’s picking, he’s the one choosing awkwardness, not you.

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{ 218 comments }

{ 218 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. ZSD*

    What advice would you give to the boss in this situation? Obviously, the advice would be not to freeze the employee out, but aside from that, do you advise them to address it with the employee head-on? Just act normal and never mention it again?

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    1. Juicebox Hero*

      Most likely he’s angry with his wife but displacing it onto LW. I highly doubt this is the first time she’s done something like this. My advice to him would be to hammer things out with his wife, stop the party culture yesterday because it’s just asking for a similar situation to happen again, and pretend the situation never happened at work.

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      1. HugeTractsofLand*

        Yeah, I think it’s likely the boss is either passively associating LW with an embarrassing event or the wife (or he) has actively spun this scenario in his mind where it’s LW’s fault that the man was in the house. Obviously this isn’t rational thinking either way, so having a conversation addressing it should be a good wake up call.

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          1. Princess Sparklepony*

            That’s what it sounds like since the wife was telling the OP that it was OP who had the one night stand and not the wife.

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          2. Momma Bear*

            I think this is likely, too, and either way it doesn’t bode well at work. Honestly, if it was so bad that the higher ups are involved by their own volition, I’d just simply and directly explain what I think is going on and let them deal with Boss themselves. They may also need to re-evaluate the drinking culture in the office if this is not a one-off thing. At this point whatever Boss should have done he’s now impacting the whole office enough that other people noticed.

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    2. Judge Judy and Executioner*

      My advice to the boss would be to have one conversation with the employee, then act normal at work and never mention it again. It would be awkward, but if people are already noticing a difference at work, better to address it once and move on (at work). The boss has bigger problems to worry about with his wife outside of work, and freezing out the employee isn’t the answer. His avoidant behavior at work with the letter writer is only creating more problems.

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      1. Lady Danbury*

        This. I would have had a private convo and apologize to her for her being placed in the middle of a private marital issue, then acted like it never happened. And definitely reevaluate how I/my spouse interacts with staff. Just like the letters about the spouses who get into fights or make racist comments at company events, if you can’t trust your wife not to embarrass you at company events, then don’t bring her around the company (or bring the company to her).

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      2. Liane*

        He’s already had one conversation with OP per the letter. It’s clear it didn’t get to “This was awkward AF, we need to act normal at work, & never speak of it again.”

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    3. A Lab Rabbit*

      Also, probably not a good idea to invite a bunch of drunk employees back to your house to continue drinking.

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        1. LinuxSystemsGuy*

          I’ve never had anything get anywhere close to that far, but tech startups are pretty bad about boundaries. I don’t know if that’s where OP works, but alcohol, parties, bars, etc are definitely part of the culture. I’ve never been invited back to someone’s house, but groups of us have definitely gone back to one person’s hotel room for a last drink before bed (in our own rooms, no sex has been involved)

          This sounds pretty extreme though. I’ve definitely never seen anyone get *this* messed up at a work party.

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          1. new laptop who dis*

            I’ve worked in tech since the late 90s dot.com era, and I’ve unfortunately seen far worse when it comes to boundaries, alcohol, hookups, and all around bad decision making. To the point where this story, while extreme, does not actually seem THAT extreme to me.

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    4. Observer*

      Just act normal and never mention it again?

      Yup. Either the boss is embarrassed, and is taking it out on the LW. That’s both unfair and stupid.

      Or they are blaming the LW, and that’s even more unfair and stupid.

      I get that it’s not so easy to control the emotions at play. But he *can* control his behavior. And he needs to act reasonably, which means acting as though this never happened *in regards to the LW*.

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    5. Ellis Bell*

      Have the same conversation Alison recommends but from the other vantage point “I’m sorry if I’ve been awkward/things have been awkward around me since last weekend, and I want you to know that I don’t consider that any of your responsibility. As far I’m concerned, I’ve wiped your connection to it from my mind and never plan to think about it again! I do need to talk to you as normal though, so I’m hoping we can go back to our normal relationship, which I really valued.” People who have been betrayed are sometimes a little shell shocked and don’t know what the game plan should be. I think the fact that he was so vulnerable in front of people who works for him is something that he needs to regroup on and start fresh. I would probably apologise for the employee being in that situation even though it clearly wasn’t his plan.

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    6. sacados*

      Echoing Ellis’s comment.

      I think if it were the boss writing in like “this just happened, how on earth do I face my employee on Monday and what do I say?!” it’s a fair bet that Alison’s advice would be effectively the same two options — either not bring it up (if that’s just too uncomfortable) but signal that all is well by being “aggressively normal” and trust the employee will follow suit; or have a conversation like the above, basically saying “I don’t blame you for anything, let’s just both pretend it never happened and continue our solid working relationship.”

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    7. Nina*

      Does the boss know that the situation is ‘my wife brought a random stranger to a party in my house under the guise of finding someone for LW and then slept with the random stranger’ and not ‘LW, my employee, who was crashing at my house after a party, brought a random stranger into my house to hook up with’?

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  3. ThatGirl*

    I am sure these places exist, but I can’t imagine a job where I’d feel comfortable not only drinking with my coworkers/boss (which I have done) but going to my boss’s HOUSE and falling asleep on the couch. I’m way too paranoid for that kind of thing.

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    1. Zona the Great*

      What is utterly bizarre is that I have been invited by TWO of my bosses to get drunk and spend the night at their house with the rest of the group. I showed up at the first one and couldn’t convince them that I could indeed have a drink and drive myself home later so I sat up all night waiting it out. I swear it was some modern key party thing. I didn’t show up at the second boss’s.

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      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah going to your boss’s house is one thing, but spending the night… uh-uh. I’d Uber or make my spouse come get me before that happened.

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        1. Sandi*

          Yeah, I’ve had a number of parties at a boss’s home, but they were more afternoon / early evening things and at most we had a drink or two with food. Definitely a different culture to expect employees to stay the night!

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        2. Letter Writer*

          Hiya, I’m letter writer. I lived an hour out of town and the first bus/train was at 5am so I had to wait it out. Whenever I went out with that crowd (mostly friends/same age) they’d offer a place to sleep if it was a late night. I was desperate to leave but couldn’t afford at $120 Uber home….

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          2. Throwaway Account*

            Thank you for writing in! It can be tough to navigate the comments here but we very much appreciate you responding!

            How did it all work out?

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            1. Letter Writer*

              Oh man…..not ideal. We never spoke about it ever again and he ended up stealing a bunch of company IP and ruined his relationship with the whole team. The rest of us who used to work there went to each others weddings and meet up once a year. I should’ve spoken to him or to higher ups but it was just unfathomable them. And he’s Irish – they don’t really lay it all out, in terms of rough conversations. Also, as I reflected on it I realized how absolutely hammered his wife was, so I started feeling like she probably wasn’t able to consent. I wished I had treated her with that in mind when I said that to her — I was just so shocked.

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              2. Just a suggestion*

                Oh, I’m so glad it’s in the past. You seem to have recovered, both from the experience itself AND the fallout and even be able to look back with compassion. But please don’t fail to recognize that it was at least unfair -probably exploitive – for them to put you in that position: stuck with no way to leave; having other people trying to make decisions for you about your sex-life; and being made to witness something that put you in a horrible position, not only that morning but for some time at work. I am angry for you.

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              3. New Jack Karyn*

                If she was leading him up the stairs, she was sober enough to consent. The gap between “too drunk to drive legally” and “too drunk to consent to sex” is pretty wide.

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                1. Chickadee*

                  If she didn’t remember what happened the next morning (eg black out drunk), she was too drunk to consent.

                2. aaway*

                  @Chickadee – Who said she didn’t remember? She seemed aware once OP made mention of the event.

                3. Chickadee*

                  @aaway It’s unclear how much she remembered, since she asked LW if they hooked up with the guy. Clearly she believed LW about what happened, but that doesn’t mean she remembered.

                  Of course, this is all speculation about how drunk she was, and doesn’t affect the answer to LW, I just don’t think it’s clear cut whether she could consent.

      2. Delta Delta*

        I had a boss who wanted the company to have a “staff retreat” that was essentially going away to his buddy’s camp an hour away so we could all drink beers and not have to drive home. Hard pass on that.

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    2. Katie*

      Back in my retail days, we partied and hung out together quite a bit. This was the entry level employees plus team leads but no one higher level than that. (To note 20 years later, I am married to one of those team leads.)

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      1. FricketyFrack*

        Ugh, when I was 18, I worked in retail and our store manager (who was what seemed like an ancient 26) had a party with most of the younger staff and it really couldn’t have gone worse. Buuut retail is not known for it’s healthy boundaries and good behavior. By the time I was 26 and had worked in an office job for a few years, I was retroactively horrified that she invited literal children – one coworker was 16 – to drink at her house.

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        1. Elizabeth West*

          Food service/restaurant workplaces can get pretty wild too.

          We had little drinky-drink get-togethers after work at Exjob — but they were onsite so there was kind of an expectation that hey, we’re drinking a lot of wine but we’re all “still at work.” Everyone was pretty well-behaved.

          *sigh* I miss those. :(

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      2. StarTrek Nutcase*

        In my earlyish 20s, I worked evening shift in an ER where drinking after hard shifts (3-4/wk) was common. always 12-20 people from physicians to nurses to clerks. As the only non-drinker (& a designated driver), I was privy to lots of secrets they wouldn’t tell their BFF. I had wondered why one nurse disappeared from ER a lot (multiple affair partners on timeclock) and that another wasn’t wealthy but her married sugar daddy was. I was overly naive for my age but I knew enough to keep my mouth shut and learned my secrets were kid-play.

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      3. Slippers*

        Reading this makes me realize that I have totally put it out of my mind/dissociated that my husband of 16 years and I started our relationship while drinking at a [retail job] work party. I was a team lead of a different department. But it was a part-time job in college so it didn’t seem bad… no one ever invited the managers/assistant managers to these things. Praise be…

        We got invited to a party one time that our co-worker was throwing. He was in his late 20’s and worked a full-time job in addition to working at our store. He achieved his goal of paying off his student loans (which is why he had the part-time job). We eagerly discussed for weeks what it would be like to attend a “grown up” party. We show up and said co-worker is outside peeing on a tree. We walk inside and there’s a beer pong tournament in the kitchen. Ah, youth.

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        1. Throwaway Account*

          I’m loving the image of all of you talking about a “grown-up” party only to find it just meant there was some grown-up money and it was the same party.

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    3. Awkwardly Autistic*

      I could see myself doing this when I was a) in my early twenties and b) worked in a very small community. I don’t 100% know if this is a small town, but when I was working in a small town (admittedly very, very tiny -fewer than 5000 permanent residents), there was a lot of blurring between professional and personal. As in, the one doctor was facebook friends with everybody, even if you didn’t want to know about your boss’s personal life there was somebody who was married to a friend who knew all about everything and told everybody so you heard it from a friend’s aunt, and I once heard about a coworker getting a divorce before he did.

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      1. ThatGirl*

        I mean, in my ~20 years of professional experience, I’ve been to multiple work parties and happy hours where people had a drink or two; several conferences/retreat-style gatherings at hotels where I watched people (including the VP of my department) get very drunk (and then everyone went back to their own hotel room); and the VP’s house where we had a few drinks (and plenty of food) on a warm afternoon as a social gathering. None of those ever involved explicit or implicit pressure to sleep on my boss’ couch.

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    4. Yes And*

      I used to work for an organization whose boss hosted company events involving drinking at her home(s), including a long-weekend retreat where we were plied with (really good) wine and liquor after working hours. It will surprise nobody that that was the tip of the HR-nightmare iceberg at this company, and I would be shocked if it were not the same here.

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    5. WellRed*

      I can’t believe “sneaking out in the middle of the night” is a bar not to cross but falling asleep on the couch is ok.

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      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        I didn’t read that as leaving in the middle of the night being a faux pas, just that leaving in the morning is probably easier (transportation-wise, having-slept-wise, etc.) than ducking out at 3am.

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        1. DJ Abbott*

          Safer, too! If driving, much safer to go in the morning, then at 3 AM and sleepy and possibly drunk. If walking or using transit, that’s the most dangerous time. Much better to leave in the morning.

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      4. Princess Sparklepony*

        OP wrote a reply – it was a transportation issue. The next public transportation was at 5 am and to take an uber would have been $120. So OP was stuck. In their industry it wasn’t uncommon to crash at a co-workers house after a party especially if you lived farther out.

        I’m such a chicken that I would have timed the exit time to make the second to last train rather than have to sleep on my boss’ couch.

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  4. MegPie*

    Given the context of your relationship “No, but you did!” is a pretty wild thing to say. A person that wanted to stay out of it would say “no.” End of sentence. Then would pretend to have slept through anything that happened.

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      1. FashionablyEvil*

        Presumably because they were baffled and hungover? I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to see how that happened.

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        1. Jake*

          If you’re drunk enough to pass out while your coworkers chat around you, you’re probably still drunk when you wake up.

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          1. NotBatman*

            Also: I’ve said stupider things while stone sober. None of us is at our best when caught by surprise in a situation this awkward.

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        2. A Lab Rabbit*

          Yeah, I think the word “blurt” explains it all: tired, hungover, trying to sneak out and getting caught on the way out the door. The situation really doesn’t lend itself to coming up with a well-thought out response.

          I really feel for OP. What a terrible situation to be in.

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      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Alcohol + bafflement + “I can’t think of an excellent comeback, so I will just blurt at dream-person that they are describing events wrong.”

        I imagine LW has manifested a lot of much cleverer things to say, but I get why in the moment the truth hopped out.

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      4. Princess Sparklepony*

        I’m thinking the wife was trying to cement the idea that it was OP who had the one night stand. Because that is the story wife was going to tell her husband the boss.

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          1. Princess Sparklepony*

            OK, I went back and reread. It was the wife who asked if she hooked up with the guy.

            But I think the wife knew exactly what happened but was trying out a new narrative to sell to husband.

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    2. Juicebox Hero*

      After a hard night, when any combination of blotto, hung over, exhausted, aggravated, or freaked out, people don’t always say what they would when sober and calm.

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    3. Successful Birthday Rememberer*

      It’s kind of funny that OP said that, only because it didn’t happent o me though. A simple, ‘no, I fell asleep’ would have been ideal, because it presumes OP didn’t know what was really going on.
      I am not my best self until I have had caffeine and mentally woken up as well, so I get it.

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    4. Still*

      Of course the OP could have avoided the whole mess by pretending they hadn’t seen anything… but the wife put them in a VERY awkward position by blatantly trying to use them as her alibi. We don’t always react rationally in situations when someone is breaking the social contract.

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I am guessing the husband overheard, which is why he asked LW for her version.

        I can see a scenario in which wife knew he was listening and was trying to lay down a false trail (“That guy? Oh hon. He was with LW”), and one in which wife floated a little “Did anyone notice?” tester at LW and then was appalled to turn around and discover that her husband heard it all.

        And as guessed upthread, I’m guessing it’s not the first time.

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      2. learnedthehardway*

        I kind of wonder if the wife didn’t tell her husband that OP had hooked up with random dude, and that is why the husband (OP’s manager) is icing them out at work.

        I mean, I wouldn’t be too impressed if I thought one of my guests had slept over with a random guy at my house, and I’d be even less impressed if they were an employee.

        The manager may be mistakenly annoyed with the OP, not realizing it was his wife who had slept with the random guy.

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    5. Jezebel*

      I thought it was wild for the wife to ask that in the first place! Obviously she knows he was otherwise occupied…

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      2. Observer*

        I thought it was wild for the wife to ask that in the first place! Obviously she knows he was otherwise occupied…

        Agreed!

        Either she let something slip to her husband or he over-heard this conversation. In either case, if she had any brains at all she would never have said anything.

        Which is to say that the question was not just unexpected, it was the kind of thing you actively expect to NOT be asked. So, I think it’s quite obvious why the LW didn’t respond with greatest of reticence.

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      4. Kindred Spirit*

        I thought the wife asked LW hoping the answer would be that LW would say she didn’t remember anything from the previous evening.

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        1. Princess Sparklepony*

          That was my thought. But I think the wife knew exactly what happened the previous night and was trying to set up that boss got the story wrong.

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    6. CherryBlossom*

      I mean, it’s equally strange that the wife asked OP if she got with the guy, all things considered. I think both of them were caught off-guard by the other and blurted out things that they didn’t mean to say.

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    7. Circus Monkey*

      I can understand the blurting out to the wife due to surprise/shock of/at her actions but I would not tell my boss what [I think] his wife did!…..that’s for his wife to tell him!….what if my account of events contradicts her account! Also she [LW] cant say for sure what happen after she [the wife] lead him upstairs since she was not upstairs. It sure is strange that wife of the LW’s boss has an interest in ‘remedying her singleness,’ maybe have a word with your boss about that!…..Or after his reaction to this incident maybe not!

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      1. Polly Hedron*

        LW can’t say for sure what happened after the wife led him upstairs

        Sure, maybe the wife was just showing the guy her stamp collection…. [/s]

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    8. MistOrMister*

      I don’t think it’s fair to say someone who wanted to stay out of the situation would have only said no. If someone comes up to me and asks me did I do something that I saw them doing, the odds of me just saying no and walking away are miniscule. I would likely be completely flabbergasted and answer along the lines of OP because it’s just so weird. Say my sibling suggests I have the leftover lasagna that’s in the fridge and I choose not to have it but later see them taking it to their room then I fall asleep. If they ask me the next morning if I ate it, of course I am going to say no and that I saw them take it. That isnt me trying to insert myself into some drama, it’s a normal response to a weird question. Maybe the wife was trying to use OP to cover that she, at the very least had a drunken makeout session with a stranger without her husband’s knowledge, but it’s not OP’s responsibility to be the shield for the wife’s behavior. It seems like OP is trying to keep the drama out of the situation, but unfortunately the boss seems to be too embarrassed to act normally.

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    9. Ellis Bell*

      I actually love that OP said this. I’m not saying I’d advise anyone to copy it in a similar situation, but it felt like it was the hot knife of stunned honesty going through the butter of manipulation. OP made it impossible for the wife to paint her into the alibi. Claiming to have been asleep, or not in the room could have achieved the same goal, but if we’re going to do time travel do-overs, just don’t go out drinking with the boss at all.

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      1. Frieda*

        It also seems like the wife may have used OP as her excuse to bring someone back to her house – gunning for a guy for your spouse’s direct report to hook up with in your home is SO over the top to me that it looks more like the wife was creating an “it just happened” scenario for herself from the get-go.

        The “for me” from the OP’s letter definitely suggests that to me!

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        1. Lily*

          Yep, that’s what it seems like to me. Boss’s wife was using OP as an excuse to bring a random guy home and then tried to use OP as an alibi, too.

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    10. Overthinking It*

      These people are all way too intimate. This is not a simply case of adultry; boss’ wife actually ensnared OP: finding her a hook-up, expecting them to do it at her house, on a couch in the living room! Then, she took the guy herself. Attempting to share a partner and encouraging OP to hook-up without privacy, the wife was pushing the boundaries of group sex. The OP did nothing morally wrong, but her not recognizing the clanging alarms – even drunk – and insiting on Ubering home immediately are indicative of immaturity that may play out in other damaging ways in the workplace. To pretend being pimped out isn’t totally wierd and can be ignored is just . . . ! Look, when it come to sex, “mature” is NOT acting blase, it is knowing that it’s fine, appropriate, to say “STOP! I am not comfortable with this and I won’t participate.” And that doesn’t just go for physical contact, but for being sexually manipulated in any way – including being made an unwilling witness!

      Boss is probably young too, and while he knows he’s got to dial the level of intimacy way back, maybe doesn’t yet have the fine tuning to bring it to “professional” rather than “icy”.

      So, OP, as well as not drinking with coworkers: please learn you have the right to say “No. This just doesn’t feel appropriate” (not just for sex, but for anything asked of you that you feel strongly about). And then go find a place to work where there are some adults, and keep growing.

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        1. Just a suggestion*

          She posted that bit later, after mine. But really, I just feel so bad that she felt there was no escape from the position these people put her in, even if it was sitting up the train station/bus station/all-night coffee shop till 5:00 am, sleeping at the office, or waking up a friend to come and get me. She did nothing to deserve being roped into boss’s wife’s . . .well, drama isn’t a strong enough word!

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      2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        This doesn’t look to me like the boss’s wife was trying to “pimp LW out” so much as a ham-fisted attempt at fixing her up with someone who seemed to be available. And it’s hardly surprising that Random Nightclub Guy was more interested in the woman who invited him to her party, than in the person that woman took pity on.

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        1. Just a suggestion*

          I have to think Boss’s wife picked him because SHE found him attractive. OP was used as bait, or perhaps intended as a potential surrogate.

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    11. ecnaseener*

      I kind of think pretending not to have seen could’ve been even worse. LW would have this secret hanging over them, the guilt of wondering whether the boss deserves to know or is better off not knowing, etc., which for at least some people would make it impossible to act normal around the boss anyway. And then if the boss ever finds out LW knew and could’ve told them earlier, that’s likely really bad for LW.

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    12. Lenora Rose*

      I think that’s easily explained by the moment; tired, hungover (possibly tipsy) and trying to escape an awkward situation.

      Let they who have never, in any circumstances, ever blurted out a thing they didn’t intend to say cast the first stone.

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      1. Le Sigh*

        Yep. I can see myself doing something like this, even if it’s not helpful to me. I don’t have the best filter to begin with and don’t always think well on my feet — if I’m tired, hungover, and cornered, my ability to stop myself from blurting something out is probably nil.

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      2. N C Kiddle*

        When I was about 16, a friend of my dad’s came to stay so he could hide from his soon-to-be ex. One evening the phone rang and before anyone answered, he announced, “I’m not here.” I picked up, and of course it was Ex asking if he was there. Having the question answered before it was asked muddled me so much the only thing I could think of to say was, “He says he’s not here.”

        I can definitely empathise with blurting out an unhelpful truth when put on the spot!

        Reply ↓
    13. Silver Robin*

      Honestly, I loved that part. Can you believe the *wife*?? How much more wild is it for her to ask LW that? The amount of “wtf you have got to be kidding me” going through LW had to be through the roof. “No, but you did!” is way more cogent than I could have managed. I probably would have sputtered out “…uh…no [scrambles out of the house and immediately job searches to never be near here again]”.

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        “Remove the couches and you remove the inconvenient witnesses crashing on them for the night.”

        I have in fact seen multiple movies/shows in which the person sleeping on the couch was the unaccounted for variable interrupting the planned shenanigan.

        Reply ↓
        1. Overthinking It*

          I don’t think OP was an “inconvenient witness” I think it was intentional: her presence made the adultery more exciting.

          Reply ↓
      3. StarTrek Nutcase*

        From my 2 decades in academia, I think desks are the real danger. I’ve walked in on 3 p-in-v acts where the desk was used. (Only one other time was it a couch and I only walked in post.) Maybe it’s part of the power dynamic as it was a professor, his or her desk, involved. (And back then, I naively thought reporting it to the Administration would get the professor sanctioned but found out research professors bringing in mega grant $$ were bulletproof.)

        Reply ↓
        1. Susan*

          Ugh, 3 times. I like to believe that this has never happened three times total in the departments my relatives work or take classes in. That is horrible.

          Reply ↓
        2. Jam on Toast*

          If only Reviewer 2 was available to critique the academics’…work product?

          “The introduction was sloppy and cliched. It was hard to follow the thrust of their argument and overall, the entire effort felt rushed and underdeveloped. The conclusion was especially weak and unsatisfactory. Any future efforts along this line are strongly discouraged.”

          Reply ↓
        3. Discretion*

          I naively thought reporting it to the Administration would get the professor sanctioned but found out research professors bringing in mega grant $$ were bulletproof.)

          Very naive of her

          Reply ↓
      1. Elizabeth West*

        Ah, the good old days, when I could fall asleep on someone’s floor at a college theater party and wake up without feeling like someone ran me over with a garbage truck.
        #youth

        Reply ↓
      1. Juicebox Hero*

        “Did you hook up with that guy?” I blurted out, “No, but you did!” and she burst into tears before hurling an axe at my head…

        Reply ↓
        1. pally*

          That’ll work!

          There’s so many other scenerios:
          Axe thrown at random dude.
          Axe thrown at boss-by the OP or the wife.
          Axe thrown at wife-by the boss.

          Reply ↓
      2. Lenora Rose*

        Axe-throwing feels like the much safer option than drinking and partying in your boss’s house.

        Assuming the axe-throwing is done sober, that is.

        Reply ↓
  6. Throwaway Account*

    Someone, please remember to ask for an update on this one! I really feel for the OP and would not want to have to navigate this one at all!

    Reply ↓
    1. Juicebox Hero*

      Hopefully it will be one of the “there were more problems than I thought, so I quit and I just started a new job with coworkers and a manager who don’t get staggering drunk and randy; also it pays way more and the commute is shorter” updates.

      Reply ↓
      1. MistOrMister*

        To be fair, it doesn’t sound like any of the coworkers or managers were the problem here. It was the bosses wife and some rando she picked up at a club. I would consider a good update to be that OP talked to the boss and agreed what happened isnt their business and for everything to go back to normal

        Reply ↓
        1. Observer*

          To be fair, it doesn’t sound like any of the coworkers or managers were the problem here.

          Well, no the manager is a huge part of the problem. For one thing, the manager is the one who invited everyone over, even after people were already over the limit. And secondly, they are now dumping on the LW. That’s stupid and *deeply* unfair.

          Reply ↓
          1. MistOrMister*

            I am going by the poster’s comment that the OP gets a new place where the coworkers and manager dont get staggeringly drunk and randy. It was not a manager or coworker who was involved in the amorous shenanigans, so I think my comment stands

            Reply ↓
  7. Jonathan MacKay*

    Humans. As soon as I think I have figured out the bounds of rational (and irrational) behaviors… I am immediately proven wrong.

    I’ve long been of the opinion that the wrongs done by others are only my business if they are either done against me and mine, OR will have a negative impact on the common good. This arguably falls into the latter with office dynamics, though is awkward as hell to discuss.

    It seems though that OP’s boss has been knocked on the backfoot, and isn’t necessarily clear minded about such things – especially if this is the first instance of infidelity in his relationship – it may have provoked him to be more suspicious about his wife – there’s nothing OP can do about it, as being the source of information means that OP may be subconsciously seen as the catalyst for everything that comes after.

    No, I haven’t been cheated on before, (that I know of) I’ve just got a degree in the humanities that helps me understand how people tick.

    Reply ↓
  8. Jake*

    I have an additional, unasked, question for AAM. Is this kind of culture acceptable when it leads to employees passing out drunk at their bosses house?

    This feels so far outside the realm of acceptability, but I don’t have a very wide perspective on this.

    Reply ↓
    1. JustKnope*

      Absolutely not. AAM has talked about drinking culture here before and the loss of boundaries and it’s not good. She’s also talked about cultures where the normal socializing is done via happy hours and even that is a stretch, because it can exclude people who don’t drink (for any reason) or people who have caregiving duties outside of work.

      Reply ↓
    2. Amber Rose*

      Acceptable, no, but common enough all the same. Depends on the industry of course, and a little bit on the size of the company. Some weird boundaries got crossed when I worked for a small family owned business.

      I have stories from working in manufacturing/oil and gas too…

      Reply ↓
      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It’s like “It’s wrong, but it’s not illegal” as a summary. “It’s a bad idea, and yet still a thing that happens frequently enough to generate tropes.”

        Reply ↓
    3. CherryBlossom*

      In the VAST majority of workplaces, this isn’t common or acceptable at all. But there are some industries known for this; it’s really normal in tech start ups, in my experience.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lady Danbury*

        I could definitely see this happening in the insurance industry in my country. It’s very much a tech bro, heavy drinking, work hard play hard type mentality.

        Reply ↓
      2. Slightly Anon for This*

        The writer states that it is normal in their industry. Although they don’t specify what industry, I’ll take their word for it. That said, it doesn’t mean that this unnamed industry doesn’t have to change what it considers to be normal and acceptable.

        Reply ↓
      3. soontoberetired*

        It can be state specific. i live in a place where drinking heavily as something that’s done a lot at work events even though it is such a bad idea. But my state is known for its drinking.
        I had a conversation with my boss once about the amount people drink at work parties and she got offended about me suggesting there were problems with people getting drunk to the point they shouldn’t get behind the wheel. I stopped going to the parties after that.

        Reply ↓
        2. Jake*

          I mean, we offer an open bar at our holiday party, but that feels radically different than passing out drunk at my boss’s house.

          Additionally, Uber at company cost is always offered.

          Reply ↓
      4. Bailey*

        I guessed this incident took place on Wall Street or the City of London, both places where drinking is common and people take trains to suburban homes. There was also the use of the word “pub.” But then OP posted and denominated her cab fare in USD.

        It could also be anywhere in Asia (except Muslim countries) in practically any field but it sounds like OP is in the Western world.

        Reply ↓
    4. MHG*

      My husband’s old workplace was like this. They recruit and train sales staff out of college, and drinking is a huge part of the culture. There are tons of marriages from this company, and reading this letter, I wondered if it took place there because of how well it fit! NB: I honestly wasn’t all that sad when he was laid off from there.

      Reply ↓
    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      “Acceptable” always has an implicit, or explicit, “to whom,” even if that’s “acceptable to right-thinking people” rather than “my family would never put marshmallows on sweet potatoes, thanks anyhow.”

      I don’t think it’s sensible behavior, and I’m glad I’ve never worked with people who expected me to come to that sort of party, but yes, there are people who consider that sort of heavy drinking normal. The surprising part is the wife picking up the rando at the nightclub, and I don’t think anyone except maybe the wife expected that.

      Reply ↓
  9. Nicole Maria*

    I know there is this whole thing on this website about taking the letter at face value, but I really don’t think this story is 1. real and 2. relevant to the mission of Ask A Manager. Is this blog just going to become another AITA spinoff? I don’t like the fiction they write there either.

    Reply ↓
    1. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Every letter is just hypothetical to either everyone, or to everyone minus one.

      2) “An awkward thing happened and is now bleeding into work, how do I drag things back to normal while avoiding the awkward?” is a very normal work experience.

      3) Curious yet true: It’s always the most mundane letters that trigger accusations of being made up.

      Reply ↓
    2. FashionablyEvil*

      Why wouldn’t it be real? Also, there’s a whole series of letters that could be categorized as “my boss is icing me out for some reason unrelated to work and it’s causing problems.”

      Reply ↓
  11. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    OP – let me be very clear here. You did nothing wrong. Both the wife and your boss put you in an akward situation. This is not your fault.

    Reply ↓
    1. TechWorker*

      Seems very unlikely, given it sounds like they had a conversation with the boss, who believed her. (Maybe at that point it would have been wiser to plead ignorance, I’m not sure).

      Reply ↓
    3. HonorBox*

      I hadn’t considered that but it does make some sense… like the boss is icy with OP because she brought back some random person and hooked up in his house. I might have a similar reaction if a coworker did that at my house.

      Reply ↓
    4. Kevin Finnerty*

      At minimum, I also think this is a possibility. I worry for OP that whatever boss is upset about is not necessarily what actually happened.

      Reply ↓
  13. Justin*

    This sounds like an Industry plotline.

    I feel for you. The boss is acting poorly though I understand why he’s being a mess. Not okay, though.

    My wife had a situation like this once (not a direct witness, but saw a superior leave the bar with someone) and it became a similar mess – no one was married at least – and the superior eventually had to limit contact with my wife (who was not in her line of supervision).

    Reply ↓
  14. Anon Attorney*

    I am also in an industry where there is also a lot of young people partying/drinking too much etc. and I’ve been a part of it. With hindsight being 20/20, I wish you could have done more to protect yourself and your boss’ wife from a safety standpoint. For instance, strongly disavowing the man coming to the house on your behalf and if that didn’t work, getting someone else involved or deciding to stay somewhere else simply to protect yourself and for your own safety! Your post implies this was part of the wife’s master plan but what if it wasn’t, and she was giving this strange man the go ahead to hook up with you while at your boss’s house when you were not interested. This could have been a lot worse for you, and I’m not sure that’s being acknowledged! It’s not clear from the post, but the wife also could have been way too drunk and not even really been able to consent or see the harm in her action. At least in my industry, it’s part of girl code to make sure everyone is safe at these types of events and I would look at someone differently who was present and didn’t do something to stop the situation – it’s possible that’s part of the awkwardness, even if based on facts unknown there was nothing you could have done.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      it’s part of girl code to make sure everyone is safe at these types of events and I would look at someone differently who was present and didn’t do something to stop the situation

      That’s deeply messed up. Especially in this context, where the LW was clearly drunk, and the person who was ignoring everyone’s safety *especially the LW’s* was the manager’s wife who has more power in this situation.

      To go beyond that to actually *punish* the LW – which is what this manager is doing – for Wife’s behavior is rather gross.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        And the situation was in someone’s private home, with the stranger invited to that private home by the homeowner.

        Reply ↓
      2. Anon Attorney*

        I never said punishing OP or blaming OP was right, and I don’t believe that. I’m offering what may explain the chilliness. I am also offering advice for the future – withdraw from unsafe situations to extent that you can and try to help prevent unsafe situations with the people you’re with to the extent you can. I don’t think that’s wrong to suggest when this situation could have been way worse.

        Reply ↓
    2. MistOrMister*

      I don’t understand who you think OP should have gotten involved when the bosses wife invited someone to her own house. It doesn’t sound like OP was forced to be around the guy in a way that made them uncomfortable and it is not their place to police who someone else invites to their own home unless there is some known danger. This is not a situation where a group of girlfriends went out clubbing together. The judgment on OP for not adhering to the girl code makes no sense to me. The bosses wife invited someone to her own house. It us not OP’s place to say who is or isn’t allowed at someone else’s house. OP then fell asleep and woke up we dont know how much later to see the wife and guy going off together upstairs. It was not OP’s place to assume the wife was too drunk to consent and that she needed to invoke the girl code and get the lady out of a position she apparently wanted to be in. There were also people standing around chatting when OP fell asleep so it would seem the onus would be more of them to protect the wife from herself than OP who was not conscious, using this argument of girl code.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anon Attorney*

        Was OP not going back to the house with the strange man? It would have been dangerous for *them.* I am asking OP to look out for their own safety next time.

        Reply ↓
        1. Myrin*

          I mean, it doesn’t sound so much like “OP went back to the house with a strange man” but rather like “Boss’s wife went back to the house with a strange man and OP tagged along because that’s where they were going to go anyway”. And they were going to go there anyway because that’s where the afterparty was going to be held and where every other coworker already was. Like, I get your general sentiment but in this case, I fail to see what exactly could’ve been dangerous or unsafe for OP in particular here.

          Reply ↓
        2. MistOrMister*

          OP went to a house with what seems like numerous other people in addition to this one stranger that they don’t appear to have been interacting with. They were not inherently more in danger than any other person in that house. I don’t think your comment came off the way you intended because it mostly seems like you are shaming OP for 1) not stopping the wife from inviting someone into her own house and 2) not stopping the wife from doing whatever she did with the random guy. None of which is OPs job to do. If she felt unsafe she certainly could have not gone along to the house but saying the wife was potentially setting her up to be taken advantage of by the strange guy and then saying per girl code she should have stopped the wife from making a mistake makes no sense to me.

          Reply ↓
      1. Anon Attorney*

        I am trying to figure out what exactly is uncharitable here – I am saying it sounds like it was a dangerous situation and could have been worse, and they should take care to make sure they are safe.

        Reply ↓
        1. Kevin Sours*

          Not only do you appear to be grossly exaggerating the danger involved — at no point does the LW suggest they felt unsafe nor is there any indication this person posed a threat — but you appear to be putting the responsibility for doing something about it squarely on the shoulders of the person with the least ability to do anything. If boss didn’t want that person in his house, he could have done something. Is the wife didn’t want that person in her house she could have done something. Instead you want LW to somehow deal with a guest in the house of her boss and his wife?

          Reply ↓
          1. Anon Attorney*

            Am I misreading that the wife inviting this man home under the pretense of hooking up with the LW? I hope next time – well, I hope there’s not a next time, LW doesn’t sleep there!!

            Reply ↓
    4. Nonsense*

      Is it also girl code to try and get your husband’s subordinate laid, and then let her get so drunk she passes out on the couch? Because you and I seem to have very different understandings of what girl code is, starting with the fact that no one calls it girl code once you leave college.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anon Attorney*

        Absolutely not, and my comment doesn’t say that. But when someone else is causing an unsafe situation, you should make sure that you’re also unsafe.

        Reply ↓
        2. fhqwhgads*

          None of these people were even close to sober at the time this occurred. None of them were in any shape to “make sure” anyone was safe.
          The homeowner invited a rando to the house.
          The LW went to the house with their whole team from work, plus the homeowners, plus the rando.

          Reply ↓
    5. HonorBox*

      I think this is rather harsh. Very clearly it could have gone a heck of a lot worse. The guy also could have used the opportunity to steal valuables from the home and from all attendees’ wallets. He could have been an axe murderer. But he was invited to the home by one of the homeowners. I don’t think the rules of girl code apply the same way here. This isn’t like making sure someone’s drink isn’t left unattended or allowing someone who has had a couple too many to slip off with a random conference attendee. We don’t know all of what was happening with and for the wife, but chastising the LW for not stepping in here is really off base.

      I’m also sure the LW has considered what else could have happened, and just because she doesn’t acknowledge that in a letter where it isn’t really part of the question she’s asking, it doesn’t mean she hasn’t thought about it.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anon Attorney*

        My comment was not meant to chastise – it was meant to say hey, this was a dangerous situation and you should take care of yourself and other people if you can! It’s not clear from the post whether they could have or not, and I think I make it clear that I understand that.

        Reply ↓
    6. Morning Reader*

      I don’t think Anon is saying that LW violated “girl code” but mostly that the other woman in the situation did, and that everyone involved was rather lax about their personal safety. That doesn’t mean it’s their fault. I will agree that if LW had any graceful way to get out of the situation earlier, she would have been better off.
      For the future, if heavy partying continues to be the norm in this group, LW might benefit from forming a buddy alliance with a coworker to keep an eye out for each other. And always bring “mad money” to get home if necessary.

      Reply ↓
  15. Elle*

    “No, but you did!” was surely not what OP would have planned to say had she not been flustered, but it’s the response the boss’s wife deserved. YOU took him upstairs, and you’re asking ME that? “No, but you did”= SLAY

    Reply ↓
    2. Account*

      True, boss’s wife was totally trying to ?gaslight?— that’s not the right word, but trying to change history by saying some magic words. “Did you sleep with him?”— obviously NO, he just left YOUR room, girl!

      Reply ↓
      1. Someone Else's Boss*

        I think the boss’s wife was trying to suss out what the LW already knew, so she could figure out how much she could lie. I wish I knew more about the industry they work in – my partner has never even met my employees, much less partied with them.

        Reply ↓
      3. Falling Diphthong*

        If you want someone to lean into your cover story, you really need to make sure they are fully caffeinated first.

        Reply ↓
  16. Cj*

    Off topic, but I kind of get a kick out of it when people refer to a town of 5,000 as very, very tiny. My town is just under 1,000 residents, and most towns around here are between 200 and 1,000 residents. Our county seat has less than 5,000 residents.

    Reply ↓
    2. Big city kid*

      I live in a small town of three thousand. But it’s right on the border of San Francisco which makes three thousand small indeed.

      Reply ↓
    3. Lady Danbury*

      I live on an island of approximately 70,000 people and it feels very very very small. Like 1 degree of separation small. So 5,000 is tiny to me.

      Reply ↓
    4. Nonsense*

      I currently live in city of 1 million that everyone claims is either still a small town or grown too big frlm being a small town, and before that I lived in a city of 5 million. 5000 is tiny.

      Reply ↓
    5. Goldfeesh*

      That sounds like my small county. There should be a law that if your town has a chain restaurant and more than a dollar store then it shouldn’t be referred to as very, very tiny.

      Reply ↓
    6. CowWhisperer*

      I live outside a village that has just over 500 people.

      Technically, I live closer to a failed ghost town that has about 150 people still living there, but it’s no longer a distinct entity so I’m basing my guess on an average home size of 3.5 people.

      In the agricultural area I actually reside in, we average 3-4 homes per square mile – but about 1 in ten homes are empty.

      We’re much more densely populated than area 2+ hours north of us, though….

      Reply ↓
      1. allathian*

        An average home size of 3.5 people sounds huge to me! I’m in Finland, pop. 5.6 million, of whom 1.3 million live alone, although more than half of them are over 60 years old and more than half of those have lived with other people as adults before (frequently divorced or widowed empty-nesters).

        Here the average number of people per household is slightly below 2 (1.96). In our statistics, a family with 3 children counts as large, although they aren’t at all unusual.

        There are some very large families, especially among the offshoot Lutheran Laestadians who traditionally had large families with 10+ kids. They frown on premarital sex and tend to marry young (lots of girls marry on their 18th birthday, as soon as it’s legal) and keep having kids as long as it’s biologically feasible because, at least in theory, any contraceptive method except abstinence and the rhythm method is against their religion. A girl in my class in junior high was one of 15 siblings. (Interestingly enough the size of that church hasn’t increased at all in the last 50 years, meaning that on average, only 2 kids in a Laestadian family stay in the church. Very few outsiders convert.)

        Reply ↓
    7. fhqwhgads*

      My general take is “if the entire population of the town would fit inside a single MLB stadium, it is a small town” (ie, less than 40,000 people ish). If the entire population would fit inside Centre Court at Wimbledon, it is a tiny town (less than 15,000 people ish). If the entire population would fit inside a Broadway theater (less than 2,000), it’s a village even though the US rarely uses that distinction.

      Reply ↓
    8. RussianInTexas*

      I live in a small city of 5,000 which is part of a metro of 7.1 million on 10,000 sqml, so yes, it’s tiny :)
      I grew up in a city of 1.5 mil, and it felt middle-sized back then.

      Reply ↓
  17. HonorBox*

    Eek. This is a really difficult position to be put in, and I’m sorry. I think because the boss’s bosses have figured out something is up, it needs to be addressed. As uncomfortable as it might be, I think a conversation with the boss is probably the best place to start. If there’s a way to rebuild that bridge (though to be clear, you were an unwilling participant in that bridge being damaged) directly with your boss that might allow the conversation to be smoother with the bosses.

    Go to your boss, tell him that his bosses have asked about this, and let him know that you’d just like to get back to neutral with him, and that you’d like to be able to report back to the bosses that everything is ok.

    Reply ↓
  18. Observer*

    I’m going to agree with Alison. If you can talk to your boss, fine.

    If not, you absolutely CAN tell the higher ups what happened. And I think you should.

    And, if you feel bad for some reason ( like not “making a fuss” or not “hurting his career”) keep in mind that 1. YOU are not “over-reacting” or “making a fuss”. You *Boss* is. Nor are YOU hurting is career, HE is by being a first class jerk.

    Also, 2. this is someone who behaves inappropriately and dumps his problem on his subordinates in punitive and abusive ways. (And let’s be clear that’s what he is doing to you.) Anything that helps to prevent him from doing that to someone else is an unequivocally *good* thing. So, if you can’t do it for yourself, think about the other people who would be helped by this.

    *NOT* because you are responsible for his misbehavior, to be clear! *He* bears full responsibility. But sometimes it’s easier to do something that helps others even when you won’t do it for yourself.

    Reply ↓
    1. Banana Pyjamas*

      I 100% agree with this. IME if higher-ups are noticing the changes in your boss, they’re even worse than you realize. You should absolutely be forthcoming.

      If you can talk to your boss beforehand and hash things out great. Meet with the higher-ups anyway. Tell them you were able to discuss the issue, it appears to be resolved, but you’ll loop them in if you have any concerns. Then do that. If your boss continues, loop them in.

      Reply ↓
      1. HonorBox*

        Exactly right! If boss’s bosses have noticed, then we can be 100% sure that plenty of others have too. If the boss can’t figure out how to move forward normally, it might take someone above him setting things straight.

        Reply ↓
    2. learnedthehardway*

      Very much agreeing with this. The manager is acting inappropriately – either because he is embarrassed that his employee know his wife cheated or because his wife told him that OP hooked up with Random Guy at his house.

      Setting the record straight with senior management is probably a very good idea in this situation. Senior Management has already recognized that there is an issue. The OP would be well served to make sure senior management understands that this is NOT the OP’s fault.

      Reply ↓
      1. lilisonna*

        I prefer something that doesn’t use ethnicity/national origin to imply irresponsible drunken behavior. So, no.

        “My boss was drunk and went to bed.” is a full and complete statement that does not need weird and gross additions.

        Reply ↓
        1. A Lab Rabbit*

          I’ve always understood it to mean “left without saying good-bye” which means you can do it with or without accompanying drunken behavior.

          Also, we are asked not to nit-pick word choice on the part of letter writers. So let’s not do that. It doesn’t add anything to the conversation and takes it in a direction away from helping LW figure things out.

          Reply ↓
  20. Zero*

    This letter confuses me… LP invited a rando back to their boss’ house??

    I mean… yeah the wife was 100% wrong to cheat but if I were the boss I wouldn’t appreciate it if I opened up my house to a company gathering and somebody invited not a SO, friend, or +1, but a random person that they had literally just met. Presumably invited guests would have rejected the wife’s advances like LP did (if for no other reason than to keep it cool with the boss), but rando guy didn’t have that context influencing his behavior. So I can’t help but feel like LP had some responsibility in creating the opportunity and maybe that’s part of why the boss is behaving coldly?

    Even if the cheating didn’t happen though, I don’t think LP should have invited Rando Guy to the boss’ house.

    Maybe I misread it, or I’m just completely out of touch with what’s acceptable anymore.

    Reply ↓
  21. Miette*

    Count me on Team “Tell the Higher Ups,” because what happens 6-12 months from now when there need to be layoffs or something, and this boss decides it’d be really great to be rid of the Employee Who Knows? OP, I implore you: cover your behind.

    Reply ↓
  22. JMC*

    Oh good lord this is just a disaster, that’s what you get when you mix drinking with work. Never a good idea.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      Look, I think that getting drunk with co-workers is a BAD idea. But the idea that being punished because their boss’ spouse cheated on them is “what you get” for that is more than a bit much. Please don’t blame the victim.

      “I got drunk at a work event and made a total fool of myself” is “what you get” for drinking with coworkers. Not “Boss is punishing me for his wife’s behavior.”

      Reply ↓
      1. Zarniwoop*

        Not “what you get for” but maybe “the kind of thing that can happen when”. Drunks are known for acting like idiots. When you hang out with drunks you’re in an idiocy splash zone.

        Reply ↓

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