updates: the musician with a day job, the required email greetings, and more

by Alison Green on January 23, 2025

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. How do I manage a “regular” job with a parallel career as a musician?

I asked about career advice for musicians a long time ago, and I’ve waited a long time to have an update I felt like sending. Unfortunately, the last few years have just been really, really bad. Things started to go sideways not long after I wrote to you. The program I was in was a really bad fit for me, and I ended up dropping out long before the end of it. There were other bad things too – I won’t go into it all because it would be pretty identifiable.

One major theme of the past year has been weird and stressful health problems. Your post on PMDD was very timely – it appeared right around the time I was realizing that my particular premenstrual hell was perhaps not, in fact, normal. I got medicated for that earlier this year, which helped a lot. I also discovered recently that I have CRAZY ADHD, WHO KNEW, and started taking meds for that too – and the difference is like night and day! I am having a lot of feelings about the whole situation. I am overjoyed to finally have something that works for my brain, but also incredibly sad and angry that it took so long to figure this out.

So many people left very kind and helpful suggestions on the original post (thank you all so much!) and I went back to read the comments many times. A lot of people suggested some sort of corporate job, and that’s what I’ve ended up doing. After dropping out of school I took a break for a few weeks, then freelanced and job hunted, and back in March I fell into a temporary position in a corporate mailroom. I’ve been there for 8 months now, and so far so good I guess? It is a very boring, low stress job. I do a lot of data entry and scanning and sorting and making UPS labels and I listen to a lot of podcasts. My coworkers are all very kind, and my bosses seem to like me, and we take turns bringing in snacks every week, which has turned out to be more important than I thought it would be. I am very underpaid but asked for a raise a month back when my contract came up for renewal (thanks Alison for the wording suggestions!), and am being persistent in following up :) In the long term, I don’t know that this job or type of job will be the best fit – this is my first corporate job, and it turns out that I’m not so good at situations where I have to sit still for long periods of time (but at least I understand why!!!!). But for the moment, it’s ok. I’m treading water, trying to sock away some money, sorting out the medication situation and finding a new equilibrium, doing music things on the weekends, and generally setting myself up for my next move, whatever that is.

Anyhow, if you have any musician friends, please check in on them and maybe give them a hug. The post-pandemic arts situation just really sucks – so many people I know (myself and my ex-partner included) are moving on to other things, because life is just too damn expensive now and we are all broke, exhausted, burnt out, and struggling with various illnesses. I’m feeling more positive about my personal life than I have in a long time (it’s amazing what some consistent income will do for you!) but I’ve never felt more discouraged about the future of the music industry (or, perhaps more accurately, the future of not-independently-wealthy musicians in the music industry…). The economic shifts of the last few years are rapidly choking off the last revenue streams available to the average musician, and it’s honestly really depressing.

Thank you so much, Alison, for all the work you put into this site – it is such a great resource. And thanks to all the commenters – I love this warm, kind hearted, and supportive little pocket of the internet :)

2. My boss said it’s unprofessional not to start an email with a greeting (#2 at the link)

After my boss emailed me about how I started that single email, I ensured all my emails had a “proper” greeting, even in longer email chains (there may have been a little malicious compliance involved).

However, it was the beginning of the end. I started getting negative feedback from my boss on other minor things and then mixed messages, like “You’re asking too many questions; you should know your job by now” and then “I’m not sure why you don’t just ask me that question.”

I could see the writing on the wall and started looking for another job. I was eventually put on a PIP, told to write the PIP and come up with goals for my success, which she then approved. (Is it just me, or was that really weird, too?) Despite succeeding in all my goals, I was fired without cause at the end of it, with a small severance. I don’t know why I even bothered.

All of this happened within six months of an excellent performance review in which I was told I was meeting or exceeding expectations, accompanied by a decent raise.

They advertised for my position at a lower salary and title, traveled to my city to hire someone, didn’t, and then transferred all my duties to others.

I was lucky enough to find another job quickly, and while it has its own characters and challenges like every job, at least I haven’t been blindsided. It was truly a bizarre experience, and I still wonder what it is that I did to make her opinion of me change so quickly.

3. Coworker was a jerk after I gave her (solicited) feedback (#3 at the link)

I decided in the end to suck it and see. (Note from Alison: this appears to be a Britishism.) I carefully shared my experience with my new work buddy (a much more experienced contractor) and she revealed she’d had the same meeting – and that the woman who’d been rude to me had also been equally rude to her. We discussed speaking to her manager, but the woman in question was about to host a team meeting that very day and we decided to see how that went first.

Well, it was awkward as hell, basically. It turns out this woman is just outright obnoxious to everyone, about everything, and nobody says anything!

So, being British, I went with the tried and trusted technique of aggressive politeness. Every time she was rude to me over the next few months, I responded with smiling, robust politeness in the face of her coldness and abruptness. Taking this approach with rude people tends to highlight the rudeness, making them feel awkward and inviting comparison from others.

Over the six months or so that I was there, her peers must have spoken to her: she slowly became less rude. By the time I left she was extremely nice to me, and even fairly nice to others.

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{ 105 comments }

{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }

      1. Shinespark*

        It’s a reference to lollipops or hard candies. If you don’t know if you’ll like that flavour in advance, you’ll just have to suck it and see! Sometimes you have to try a thing to see how it turns out.

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        1. Silver Robin*

          I am so glad somebody explained the background because I honestly thought it had a more vulgar origin (a la the American meaning of “suck it”) but that was not making full sense either. Lollipops are such a cute source of an idiom, I am delighted.

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          1. Kevin Sours*

            I assumed it was a reference to the habit of baby animals to randomly test if any given object is going to provide milk.

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        2. A Simple Narwhal*

          Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that makes sense. Thank you for explaining! Lollipops is not where my mind went but I had to assume there was an innocent explanation since the phrase was listed on the merriam-webster site and not urban dictionary.

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        1. Shinespark*

          It’s more like “if you don’t know if you’ll like this flavour candy in advance, you’ll just have to suck it and see”. Sometimes you have to try a thing to see how it turns out.

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        2. TechWorker*

          Haha me too! and I am a Brit who has heard the expression & understands it, but always assumed it was ‘suck it (up) and see (what happens next)’

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      2. Athersgeo*

        Halls Menthol Eucalyptus, I think. Not exactly throat lozenges so much as cough drops. They used to be the cough drop of choice when I was a teenager and my secondary school generally had a little cloud of cherry menthol vapour hovering over it between Halloween and Easter!

        For American readers: very similar to CVS’s cherry cough drops.

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        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          Yeah, my brain went dredging through the old ad slogans folder after I posted the comment above, and I think it’s more likely to have been Strepsils than Hall’s.

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      4. MsM*

        Weirdly, I thought throat lozenges once I got past the innuendo. I wonder if I saw one of the ads somewhere and it just stuck in my subconscious.

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      2. YetAnotherAnalyst*

        Well, without prior experience of it as an idiom, it looks like it should be interpreted as “suck it” and see – except that doesn’t make much sense in context. It’s less our Puritan roots (since we’ve got both “suck it” and “suck it up”), and more about missing cultural context.

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      3. Le Sigh*

        We are puritans, but we’re also absolute giggling children about anything we can interpret as even mildly, vaguely dirty (I count myself among those children).

        I admit I raised an eyebrow at “suck it and see” and now I kind of want to start using it and see what reactions I get. And then if people are shocked, I’ll just tell them it’s a British term, they should maybe brush up on history and culture, and get their minds out of the gutter.

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      4. kicking-k*

        These things can be subtle! Oddly enough, as a Brit, I have shied away from. using the phrase “that sucks” to a British audience, when it doesn’t seem to be that rude (if not very formal) in a US context. But I wouldn’t worry about “suck it and see” because everyone here knows it’s about candy/lozenges. (There’s a record store chain where I live which has also used the slogan to indicate they will take returns if you bought an album and didn’t like it – I don’t recall any moral outrage!)

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      5. Excel-sior*

        as a Brit, American puritan tendancies such as these are a source of some fascination. Mostly because I want to know how naming boys ‘Randy’ slipped through the net.

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    5. Clisby*

      I (US) had never heard it before, but immediately thought of our FAFO (fuck around, find out) but seems like FAFO generally refers to potentially dangerous behavior.

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      2. UKDancer*

        Yeah suck it and see isn’t referencing dangerous behavior it’s more like, you’re not sure if you’ll like something (often a food item) so you suck it and see how it strikes you. The outcome could be positive or negative depending on whether you like it.

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    6. Ann O'Nemity*

      I remember this being a thing when Arctic Monkeys released an album with that name like ten years ago. Some Americans were clutching their pearls like it was a sexual reference and our British friends were like, “um, it just means give it a try….”

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    7. TooTiredToThink*

      I’ve seen/heard/used “suck it up” and when I first read it, I thought it was a typo of a missing word, until Alison clarified it was a Britishism, so to me “suck it up and see” made absolutely perfect sense and I feel like I’ve heard it before (but I may just be conflating/mandela effecting there).

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      1. Antilles*

        That’s how I read it too, as just a variant of “suck it up” (roughly meaning “this stinks but it’s not changing, so just deal with it”).

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    8. UKDancer*

      Me too, I did not know this wasn’t something used in the US. But I guess it isn’t. I’ve always assumed it was to do with sweeties like pear drops or fruit pastilles, if you’re not sure if you like a flavour you try it and see if you do.

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  2. Momma Bear*

    Re the last one, sometimes it can also help to just know you’re not alone with a person or situation. I’m glad she improved and it wasn’t specifically personal.

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  3. Certaintroublemaker*

    LW1, oh do I feel you on the regular paycheck! I went from freelancing to a job, and the paycheck (and having health insurance for the first time in 16 years) really made a difference in my life and mental health. Also good that you are learning what kind of job will work for you (not sitting). Aside from mailroom, other things you might consider are building management and event coordination. Wishing you all the best!

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  4. Velawciraptor*

    “I still wonder what it is that I did to make her opinion of me change so quickly.”

    LW 1, the answer is in your own letter: “They advertised for my position at a lower salary and title.”

    It wasn’t you. It was an excuse to get rid of you so they could save money in the position.

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    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      and then didn’t hire anyone and redistributed the work. Yeah, OP it wasn’t you, it was them being penny wise and pound foolish.

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    4. A Simple Narwhal*

      Agreed, it was never about your performance – your boss just wanted to get rid of you and found every excuse to do so.

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    5. Alan*

      Like everyone else is saying, it wasn’t you. She tried to get you to quit and when you didn’t, she forced you out. I was raised as a child to think that any conflict I had was my fault: “What did you do to make this person made at you?”. Now that I’m older I’ve realized that sometimes conflicts aren’t something you can fix. The other person is just a glassbowl. I hope you won’t give brain space to this person anymore. It’s not you. It’s them.

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  5. Evan88*

    I read so many comments and updates here from people who get diagnosed with adhd and start taking meds. It always amazes me. I don’t know any adults that have been successful in getting a script in my area.

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    1. Aggretsuko*

      Yeah, I tried to get evaluated for ADHD and they refused to diagnose me and just said “depression and anxiety.” It was clear that all of them (a LOT of people) DID NOT WANT TO and would cite anything else.

      I’ve switched insurance since then, so technically I suppose I could try asking for another evaluation (especially since depression/anxietywise I’m doing better), but it seems likely I’d get the same reaction again, and also people literally are having struggles getting the meds in the first place even if approved. So why bother.

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    2. Roberta*

      the real irony of dealing with ADHD as an adult is that the things required to get a diagnosis and a prescription (or other accommodations) are damn near impossible to do in the beginning. Multiple appointments, coordinating with doctors, paperwork, insurance or health plans if you are so lucky, all require a level or organization that is just a pain in the ass. So a lot of people who are that dysfunctional just don’t get diagnosed unless it is by happenstance.

      My own dad wasn’t diagnosed until his 60’s and that was because he when to his GP thinking he was either losing his hearing or his memory. It was neither, it was just now more noticeable than in his youth.

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      1. Zona the Great*

        Yep. I spent $1200 just getting diagnosed and I’m still fighting w insurance to cover it. I haven’t even been treated

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      2. kicking-k*

        Yes. I am partway through this process and can attest to the difficulty of getting through it when you aren’t organised, don’t have a good sense of the future, and may have rejection-sensitive dysphoria which makes it hard to take a chance on being knocked back. In the general population, I’ve really seen a change over the last few years from “You’re acting irresponsibly if you don’t get yourself medicated,” to “Oh, ADHD is a fad now, everyone thinks they have it, you won’t get diagnosed if you (hold down a job, are in a steady marriage, etc)”.

        I am in my mid-40s. I very much wonder how my career might have been different if I had been diagnosed even ten years earlier. As it is, I don’t know if I’ll make it to a diagnosis by 50.

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    3. Willow*

      Interesting! I got diagnosed by a private doctor and when I mentioned it to my GP, saying I wasn’t planning to get medication, she told me to talk to my psychiatrist and explore my options (I was already seeing an in-network psychiatrist for other medication) he prescribed me medication after a single phone conversation. I was surprised he didn’t even ask me to send him proof of the diagnosis. It might have been a different story if I’d gone through my HMO for the initial evaluation, though.

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      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        I follow a reddit forum for ADHD women and it’s absolutely wild how disparate the experiences are. Everything from “After one visit covered by my insurance I walked away with a diagnosis and a script” to “I’ve spent years and thousands of dollars trying to get someone to take me seriously and the last doctor said if I made it through college with decent grades that means I can’t have ADHD”

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        1. Jaydee*

          I think so much depends on the provider and their familiarity with how ADHD shows up in adults, women, and/or high functioning people. I started seeing a therapist for anxiety, and at the end of my first appointment she told me to schedule an appointment with the nurse practitioner at the clinic to get evaluated for ADHD. Turns out the therapist had a young adult daughter with ADHD, so she was pretty familiar with it. She couldn’t diagnose or prescribe, but she could help me not waste my time treating the anxiety first, when the untreated ADHD was contributing heavily to the anxiety.

          Unfortunately, lots of providers still think you have to be a hyperactive little boy, addicted to substances, a dropout, or a failure at school/work/relationships to have it. A lot of us have succeeded but not nearly up to our potential. Or we’ve succeeded but if you ask us how we did the things it wasn’t “through diligent time management, support from family and friends, and good old-fashioned hard work” but rather “a lot of late nights, so much caffeine, and constant feelings of shame and dread.” Or we’re seeking help because we’ve built a house of cards and we can feel the wind picking up (the declining GPA, frustrated boss, frustrated partner, etc.) and realize that our house of cards is about to crumble.

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        2. CV*

          Yeah.

          For me it was me lightly complaining about something to my doctor, and she said “well, that’s because of your ADHD.”
          “My what?!?”
          “Oh, didn’t you know? It’s very obvious, but you’re smart so you manage your life in other ways. Do you want meds?”

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    4. LW 1*

      It was not easy to get diagnosed! To start off I’m in Canada so it’s maybe a slightly different process, but it was still a total mess. I waited about 6 months for an initial appointment with a psychiatrist, who asked me a few screening questions to determine how much my childhood behaviour confirmed to the hyperactive little boy stereotype, and then declined to refer me for further testing because *insert digression about TikTok and how everyone and their dog thinks they have adhd now*. So then I went to a private clinic. Which was way faster, and I managed to actually get someone to evaluate me within a reasonable timeframe, but between the evaluation and the follow ups to sort out the medication the total cost so far is in the neighbourhood of $1000 :( So…yeah. Things are definitely better, but it has been such a struggle to get here, and it is definitely not an easy thing to get sorted out. Especially for people who already struggle with things like executive function and being organized!!!

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    5. An Academic*

      I was diagnosed when my son was. I was answering the parental questions and asked the doctor, um, I have all of these as well? My sons psychiatrist sent me to a friend of his that worked with adults. Was on medication for about 6 years with one of the jobs I had that I absolutely hated and was not a fit.
      Today I use lists, reminder apps etc. I have found my hyper focus super power let’s me concentrate on grant writing proposals and my hyperness let’s me switch quickly to problem solve as a director in my academic environment. So got off meds. Was a total headache having to physically get prescriptions for both me and my son every 2 months and going to the doctor every 3 when we had been diagnosed for years. It was ridiculous. So over regulated because some people are misusing the meds…

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  6. Peanut Hamper*

    #2:

    mixed messages, like “You’re asking too many questions; you should know your job by now” and then “I’m not sure why you don’t just ask me that question.”

    This was my last job, as well. In my experience, this has always been a sign of just plain bad management. What you have is a manager who is terribly inconsistent. I’m glad you were able to get a better job shortly thereafter.

    Being asked to write your own PIP is just bananapants!

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    1. GammaGirl1908*

      Hard same. I left — read: resigned to avoid being fired — a job in 2023 under similarly frustrating circumstances.

      Boss kept giving me similarly contradictory feedback, moving the goalposts, telling me to ask more questions and then biting my head off for not knowing things when I asked questions, punishing me for not meeting unstated expectations, complaining about me to others but never telling me the problem, telling me about issues long after I could fix them, and on and on.

      Those techniques are, apparently, a time-tested way for destabilizing someone you want to get rid of, but to whom you don’t want to give feedback so they can right the ship. Sigh.

      I’m glad to be out of there and have a new job.

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      1. ubotie*

        Boss kept giving me similarly contradictory feedback, moving the goalposts, telling me to ask more questions and then biting my head off for not knowing things when I asked questions, punishing me for not meeting unstated expectations, complaining about me to others but never telling me the problem, telling me about issues long after I could fix them, and on and on.

        Ugh, been there :-( Especially the “you’re not asking enough questions/you’re asking too many questions and should know this” like 5 minutes later. Pick a lane!

        Maybe people need management licenses in addition to other professional licenses.

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    2. Richard Hershberger*

      I take this as a sure sign it is time to brush up the CV. Bad management is the best possibility. From there it descends to being a power play to keep you nervous so you won’t ask for a raise, to being preliminary to firing you either for asking questions or for not asking questions.

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    3. Velawciraptor*

      It’s not just bananapants. It’s further evidence that they didn’t have any genuine complaints about her and were just looking for a way to push her out to save money.

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    4. A Simple Narwhal*

      My boss at my first job was like this. Always yelling at me for not asking them for help sooner or at all, but anytime I asked for help they yelled at me for bothering them and/or for not knowing what I was doing. And when I pointed this out they yelled at me more for “making things up”.

      I don’t miss working there at all.

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    5. Kethryvis*

      SAME. I was asked to write my own success plan for a not-quite-PIP-but-basically-one which I thought was totally crazy. The main reason i was on the thing was because when my boss was on leave (after just arriving) my team found itself severely understaffed, and instead of working on a big project that was a nice-to-have but not a necessity, I turned my attention to trying to keep my team afloat doing day-to-day tasks. Apparently that was the wrong move, because in my review a few months later (keep in mind, he had only watched me work for a month and a half) i was found to be below standard, even though six months before I had a glowing review, promotion, and raise. So I wrote my own plan, and hinged it on that big project, which I had already said I wasn’t sure was a good idea and didn’t have the cross-functional support I needed to get it spinning. What do you know… I was right, which he realized once I had to loop him in to get the support I needed and he also failed. I passed the review with flying colors, with him admitting he had managed me poorly. That said, he never managed me well.

      … then four years later the same thing happened and I ended up taking a mutual separation because a whole new management crew came in, managed him out (which I thought was a delightful thing at first), and then managed me out because I didn’t kiss ass enough and I asked too many questions. They said I wasn’t meeting expectations… I wasn’t given any sort of job description for my new role, when I was given something it was very half assed and were not areas I had ever worked in before or played to my strengths, my entire team’s purpose shifted every two weeks (I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not) and was told I needed to finish my projects so my new manager could make the quarterly plan. Last time I checked, my manager needed to make a quarterly plan before the rest of us can execute on anything. If I’m making the quarterly plan, maybe *I* should be the Director. Also, the year before I had received a glowing review, raise, and bonus. Anyway. It was all a thinly veiled plan to get me out, and my manager was fairly incompetent (though meant well) and the manager above was great… they just got put in a corner by higher ups and had no choice in the matter. It sucked a lot.

      To be quite honest, I’m still suffering a bit from a huge loss of confidence, and a very jaded outlook on the working world which… well it’s not the greatest combo for job seeking. I’ve landed a super part time job that is super cool and looks great on my resume, it may grow into something bigger which would be sort of cool! But it has its own bobbles and rockiness so I really don’t know. Anyway. Bad management sucks.

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      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Oh, yes!

        “Peanut Hamper will take a 90-minute break every morning and afternoon for contemplation.” is what I would add. Because why not?

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    7. Saraquill*

      I was in a similar situation. Bosswife screamed at me to always have Boss approve my assignments, and screamed that I should know better than to consult Boss.

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  7. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    #1 – all creatives are having trouble as the platforms take more and more fees and there are so many that the interest is splintered. The economy being so precarious means people don’t have the bandwidth to be creative.

    This was a discussion on Bluesky about this. It’s not just having time, but its that having a decent paying job that gives you the luxury to create.

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    2. Anon for This*

      The other option is a spouse with a steady job which isn’t always feasible or obtainable. My brother’s wife is a creative and my brother provides the steady income and health insurance. My brother doesn’t have a lucrative job – the sacrifice they made was not having children. My brother was more than OK with that – his wife would have liked to have children, but seems like she’s at peace with her decision and she’s past child-bearing age. Trade-offs in life.

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      1. buella*

        Yes — I am that spouse with the steady job and health insurance (in the US), which subsidizes my partner’s career as a freelance pianist. Sometimes I fall into resentful thoughts like I wish *I* had some sort of dream job I could do rather than the boring practical job which is slowly killing me at a desk all day, but it’s a special thing to have a calling to the arts so I’m mostly at peace with it.

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        1. Disappointed Australien*

          I’ve been saddened by a few friends who took the steady job and just never found the time to do the fun thing. Especially a couple who are really talented. Karaoke once a year doesn’t count!

          OTOH I have a couple of friends who work part time and fulfil their dream that way. Working afternoons then doing evenings in theatre seems to be pretty sustainable (one friend is ~30 years into that). I recall a professor at university who did one professional musical theatre gig a year and assisted a bunch of amateur ones (see also: don’t assume every artist is a starving peon).

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  8. Anonymous Pygmy Possum*

    Somehow, I missed the first letter when it was published! It feels extremely topical for me right now, as I’m in the middle of figuring out what having a second, very part-time career as a classically trained singer might look like. Thanks for writing in, LW. I agree that I’m not particularly optimistic about the music industry, either.

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    1. Richard Hershberger*

      If very part time fits your needs, the classic route is professional member of a church choir. This is still a thing, if you know where to look.

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      1. LW 1*

        This is the core of my freelance work! I do a lot of this on weekends :) There’s just not enough of this type of work to make a go of it…unless you’re a bass or a tenor, maybe. Sigh.

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    2. Lady Lessa*

      One combo that seems to be working for a singer in the Cleveland area is classical radio host and he also sings professionally in at least one or more local ensembles. A few months ago, when I was looking to confirm that this singer was in two groups, (she was), I noticed that another woman was both in management at this small group and singing with this larger one.

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    3. EmF*

      I sing in a couple of community choirs, and we usually pay a couple of ringers who know what they’re doing to come in – occasionally as soloists like when we did Fauré’s Requiem, but more often just to bolster a section that needs some extra oomph.

      Community choirs being what they are, the demand’s much higher if you’re a tenor or a bass, though. We’re always short on those.

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      1. EmF*

        (The people we hire tend to be “that guy one of our directors two directors ago went to university with, and the guy that the first guy recommended,” though. Very much a word-of-mouth who-you-know gig.)

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        1. Richard Hershberger*

          My city has a prominent conservatory. So far as I can tell, the organists and paid singers at the various churches that do that sort of music nearly all have a connection with the conservatory, usually current or former student and sometimes faculty. On the other hand, I knew a tenor who worked himself into the network without a connection to that conservatory. He went to Julliard.

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  9. Dust Bunny*

    I commented in favor of a stable, predictable, regular-hours job on the original musician post and I stand by that (I mean, to each their own, but I still like my leave-it-at-the-office lifestyle).

    I don’t know that I had full-blown PMDD but my PMS used to make me borderline suicidal, which mercifully disappeared when my doctor agreed to put me back on HBC. I’m getting old enough now that I’ll probably have to address that with her soon, but, wow, is it a relief.

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  10. oona*

    The music industry is so crappy right now. I am a musician as well, though it has never been my full-time job. I am close with some professional musicians though and I am so angry about what they are going through. These are people who have been both critically and commercially successful. They have written hit songs, have hundreds of thousands of monthly listeners on Spotify, get regular licensing deals, and sell out venues on tour. And all of them are looking for day jobs. Some of them already had day jobs and are looking for second day jobs. These talented people are getting pushed out of the music industry and the only music we get to hear is either already well established or safe and dull.

    I have been trying to seek out new music more actively rather than passively accepting whatever these large platforms decide I should hear. I have been deep diving Spotify and seeking out relatively obscure artists there and found some really fantastic new music that way. It feels like the digital equivalent of digging through the bins at a record store. I highly recommend.

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    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      You can only do the really creative ground breaking stuff when you have time to do it. Having to work 2 jobs just to survive means — no really creative ground breaking stuff.

      And none of the broligarchs are interested in funding the arts like the Robber Barons were. It’s all space travel with them.

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      1. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        Absolutely. I live in the SF Bay Area, and the arts community here has long lamented how tech money doesn’t care about the arts — compared to previous generations of rich folks who gave to museums and performing arts etc. These institutions (and artists) are struggling today, and it’s a huge loss that will become worse over time as old endowments dry up. Even one piece of art that got a grant from tech folks was a ridiculously expensive (and not overly impressive) light installation on the Bay Bridge — and that was only because it’s tech-driven art. Imagine what else could have been done with the $10 million it took to restore that.

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  11. Ms VanSquigglebottoms*

    LW3: About 6 months ago, I was asked to provide anonymous feedback to a peer (another VP) as part of her 360. She figured out it was me, calendared a call to discuss it, and provided a multi-page rebuttal of my feedback in advance of the meeting. Working with my coach, I was well prepared for the meeting and very even-keeled. Afterward, she wrote demanding written responses to her rebuttals. It spiraled that way for a while. I decided not to surface it to our boss, as he’s the CEO with a lot on his plate. But needless to say, as we’re approaching performance evaluation season, I will not be providing her peer feedback!

    Reply ↓
      1. soontoberetired*

        So many people I know, including me, have been burned giving honest feedback even it was done as this is something you can improve on. It kills me, it makes reviews meaningless.

        Reply ↓
        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          Which is the whole point–this way, managers who are horrible still get good reviews because there are too many consequences for giving honest ones.

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  12. Ferns*

    #LW2: in that six months did you express interest in a career path beyond your team or do something that “showed up” your manager (even if unintentionally)? I was in a similar situation early in my career where I was awarded a Top Employee prize (a DVD player, that’s how long ago it was!) and was sent to represent my company at a conference in another state. Only two people were selected so it was a real vote of confidence. A few months later I was about to be put on a PIP – but I got another job and left before it started. What changed? Not my performance…

    I had expressed interest in moving to another team in future. Plus my manager made commitments about a career opportunity in my current job (kinda like a sidequest!) with so many conditions attached that she didn’t think I could possibly meet them. But I did. And then she was angry when she had to fulfil her side of the agreement.

    Those are my best guesses, anyway, on what could have prompted the change from her. Like you, I was also asked to write my own PIP. I said I wanted to give it careful consideration on what to write. Then resigned to take the other job :-)

    In the end, that manager had all her direct reports removed because she was such a toxic and dysfunctional leader, but she’d harmed a lot of careers by then.

    Your situation might be different, but if you go from top performer to PIP quickly, sometimes the cause is your current manager’s jealousy that your future manager’s career will benefit from your success, or your manager feeling insecure about their own performance.

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  13. Elizabeth West*

    #2 reminds me of an older woman who was in my college choir when I was a music major. She was very standoffish and everyone was like, “Oh don’t talk to Kathleen; she’ll look down her nose at you,” etc. I had to sit next to her in the soprano section and share a score with her, so I decided I was going to just be very nice to her all the time.

    Slowly she started to thaw, and I found that she was really nice and very smart about the music. She wasn’t a snob; she just felt kind of out of place among all the younger choir members, none of whom would talk to her, so she was just trying to act like she didn’t give a rip. We ended up being friendly for the remainder of my time there.

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  14. Lisa*

    LW1, there do exist corporate jobs where you don’t have long periods of sitting. Also ones where in lieu of sitting in a chair you can use a standing desk or an exercise ball. I’m glad you’ve found something that’s working for what you need now, but when you are ready to move on do see what might be possible!

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    2. LW 1*

      Our office is actually getting moved around this weekend, and apparently we are all going to have standing desks when the dust settles! So that could be interesting. I’m looking forward to seeing what that’s like. I’m also finding that commuting by bike is helpful for managing my zoomies :)

      Reply ↓
  15. Powerpants*

    Fellow musician with a “day job” here. Lol. Despite being recognized as a professional, getting many grants and even a residency since the pandemic – I barely clear anything with my music money after expenses. I have been doing this for over 20 years. What gets me through? The reward of performing and the friendship of bandmates, many of whom I have been playing with for 15-20 plus years in various bands. It is worth it and I can’t imagine my life without it. I am fortunate to work at an org that supports what I do and has let me off for as much as 2 weeks to pursue a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

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    1. boof*

      Go you!
      … it’s nice to get paid to do what you enjoy but I’m beginning to think society is getting a bit too focused on converting all effort to $$$ – if you enjoy it and/or it adds to the world it’s ok for that to be enough. Even if you can’t quit your dayjob there’s something to be said for having a great “hobby” / passion elsewhere in your life.

      Reply ↓
      1. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        I think you’ve got it backwards. “Society” is only focused on converting certain efforts to $$$. You even phrase getting paid for doing something you enjoy as a nice to have, instead of a reasonable expectation. It’s not too much to ask that an artist be able to pay their bills from their labor just like a software developer does. No artist wants to have to take a second job to pay the bills, that is what society is forcing them to do… because people like you seem to think that art should only ever be a hobby.

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      2. LW 1*

        Unfortunately I think a big part of the reason society is so focused on converting things to $ is because there are just so many people in dire straits at the moment :’( So many people are living in situations where you have to be pretty ruthless about optimizing where you direct your time and energy in order to make enough $ to stay afloat. I would love to have more hobbies and to spend more time doing and making things just for the joy of them! Unfortunately that sort of thing seems like a luxury now.

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  16. Pam Schrute-Beesley*

    Hmm, I think I might be annoyed if a newly-hired mail clerk, who found the job “boring and low stress” was persistently asking me for a raise. Perhaps wait a year before raising your pay issue again?

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    1. Jezza*

      I think the key phrase here is, “when my contract came up for renewal”. The LW was negotiating their work contract, which is when you would be expected to discuss a raise.

      Reply ↓
    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      What a weird comment – giving “know your place, lowly peon” vibes.

      I would hope that if you are underpaying your employees, like the LW is being underpaid, you would fix that as soon as possible. Making that right is on you – it’s not a merit increase. She shouldn’t have to ask and she shouldn’t have to wait.

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    3. LW 1*

      I negotiated for a raise, at my contract renewal, after being given additional responsibilities outside the scope of the position I was hired for. The raise came through a few weeks ago, finally. I am still paid well below market rate for the work I do, have no job security or benefits, and can’t afford to do anything other than pay my bills despite working full time and freelancing evenings and weekends! Glad to know that asking to be paid a decent wage is an annoying thing to do, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind next time I’m in a situation where an employer is trying to take advantage of me :)

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  17. HiddenT*

    I was writing a long post about how bleak all the creative fields have gotten and the dang page reloaded and ate it.

    Suffice it to say, LW1, you’re far from alone. Writers, visual artists, creatives of all kinds are having a really, really bad time right now.

    Reply ↓
  18. TR*

    I work in a low-level creative field, and I’ve known several coworkers who were relatively successful artists or musicians (including some in well-known punk or indie bands) but still needed day jobs to make a living. People often assume that artistic success immediately leads to financial success, but that generally isn’t true — and COVID, AI, streaming, and other factors have only made things worse.

    Reply ↓
  19. Office Plant Queen*

    LW2, I know that age discrimination is notoriously hard to prove, but it sure does sound like that’s at least part of what happened. The original letter mentioned you have 25 years of experience, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they decided you were too expensive. Trying to fire you with cause despite a positive record, then giving up and firing you without cause anyway, then relisting your job at a lower salary and title? It sounds like they wanted to save some money by replacing you with somebody with less experience

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  20. goth associate*

    Lw1, just sharing solidarity there; I worked in the admin side of music for over a decade before the pandemic (think royalty distribution and copyright) & it’s been basically impossible to get or hold down a long term position there since 2020 as well. I’ve been out of work for a year now, & I keep butting up against people asking me why I’m applying for legal roles or admin in unrelated industries, then I have to explain that I had to diversify my search because there’s just so few jobs in music anymore because they either a) don’t have the money, or b) have decided after laying people off at the beginning of the pandemic & managing to continue without them, those roles are unneeded. So don’t worry, it’s not just the performance side that’s suffering! (Or do worry, I guess? Cool to see the industry you started building your career in completely collapse, definitely love that!)

    Reply ↓

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