job candidate’s name is a slur, exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity,” and more

by Alison Green on January 21, 2025

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Job candidate’s name is a slur

I recently reviewed a job application from a candidate whose given name is a slur. It’s not unheard of for people to be named this and there are still plenty of folks who don’t realize it is a slur. It’s not obscure knowledge by any means, but it’s definitely not as commonly understood to be harmful as more well-known slurs.

The thing is, I know that it’s a slur and I don’t think I can address someone by a word that I know is harmful even though it’s their name and what they prefer to be called. The position is still open so I may get so many better qualified candidates that it doesn’t matter, but if I do end up needing to interview them … what am I supposed to do?

Ours is a very informal work environment and everyone around me knows that I make a point of addressing everyone without titles or honorifics, including elected officials we work with. I don’t know their gender but if I find it out and end up using Mr. or Ms. Last Name, that would really stand out. Most people don’t choose their own names and I know what a pain it is to have your name legally changed, having done that myself, so I don’t want to exclude a good candidate because of this thing they probably didn’t choose. And yet, I don’t think I have it in me to say “Hey Racial Slur, can you finish up that TPS report for Bobby by end of day?” What is the right thing to do here?

People should be called by their names, even if you’re uncomfortable with it. There are names in other languages that sound identical to obscene words in English, and those people should be called by their names too; this is no different. The important distinction is that in this usage, it’s their name, not a slur.

In fairness, I do think there are some limits to this. If someone legally changed their name to King Of Turd Mountain and wanted to be called that, I think it would be reasonable to decline to play along (particularly when it comes to listing that name on your company website and so forth) … but someone going out of their way to try to be provocative/make people uncomfortable is a very different situation than someone just going by their given name.

2. Exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity”

I work for a nonprofit that serves people with disabilities. This week, a senior vice president sent an all-staff email advertising a roommate opportunity. He said his daughter, who lives with disabilities, is looking for a roommate and it’s a great deal — free rent! You get a stipend! You just have to split utilities! Oh, and be available every night on call if she needs help using the bathroom or with any other emergencies. A home health aide works with her during the day.

Once again, he’s sharing this as a “roommate opportunity.” It’s … an overnight home health aide opportunity. And for the stipend, it is well below minimum wage (plus, a home health aide wouldn’t be expected to pay utilities!). It sounds like there’s no contract so there’s also no agreement upon things like time off, coverage, etc. You’d be on call every single night.

In addition to serving people with disabilities, our organization also tries to hire people with disabilities. In addition, given the nature of the field, many of the people in the entry-level tier, doing things like helping people use the toilet, tend to be low socioeconomic status themselves and are often from immigrant communities that are more vulnerable to exploitation and/or less savvy about American workplace expectations.

This “generous offer” feels really exploitative and inappropriate. It seems unethical in general for an SVP to try to recruit an under-the-table home aide for his daughter from his own staff. The nature of our work makes it even weirder; I would expect someone in our field to understand why this is unethical.

What are your thoughts? Is this completely insane? Inappropriate anywhere, but especially at our org.

You are correct: it’s exploitative, and it would be inappropriate anywhere but is particularly misplaced at your organization. I’m sure he’s thinking “here’s an audience that’s particularly sensitized to the needs of the disabled and who might appreciate this ‘great deal’” … but, as you point out, it’s very much not a great deal to work every night for less than minimum wage, and he’s misusing his position by marketing it to people he has power over. Someone high-up in your organization should have flagged it. (Well, really, he himself should have realized before sending it that it wasn’t okay, but since that didn’t happen, someone else should have flagged it.)

3. Can I book an earlier flight to a conference than everyone else?

In a few weeks, I am being sent on a big work trip to a four-day convention, my first one, although I have been with the company for many years in various roles. For a variety of reasons, such as plantar fasciitis, difficulty flying, autism/ADHD, and already being in a state of burnout, this is going to be an extremely hard trip for me. I’ve been told to expect 12+ hours on my feet and an additional 3-4 hours of dinner meetings each night. I cannot get out of it.

I have a good reputation and am in a mid-level role with a lot of responsibility, but not compared to the other attendees from my company who are all 5+ levels above me on the org chart. Their assistants have booked them all on a flight that leaves at 6 pm after work the night before the conference starts, meaning we would not even be getting to our hotel rooms until 1 am the night before the convention.

How bad would the optics be if I booked a flight earlier in the afternoon so I could be in bed at a reasonable hour? am in charge of my own flight arrangements. I will also need some additional accommodation on the airplane that will be embarrassing to ask for openly in front of everybody.

Knowing the company culture, I actually think flying out a day early to ostensibly see a friend or relative before the convention would go over way better than implying I can’t run on four hours of sleep like they all can, but I don’t want to lie.

You know your company culture better than I do, but for the record: in most companies, it would be absolutely fine to say, “I don’t want to be exhausted for the first day of the conference, so I booked an earlier flight.” And that’s if you even needed to say anything at all; in a lot of cases you could just quietly book a reasonable flight and then, if asked if you were driving to the airport with the others, could just matter-of-factly say, “Oh, my flight leaves a couple of hours earlier.”

But if you don’t think that will go over well, it’s perfectly fine to use a cover story. “I’m flying out a little earlier to meet a family member who lives there” may be a lie but it’s a lie that doesn’t harm anyone, doesn’t affect anyone but you, and is reasonable if it’s in service of avoiding company dysfunction (and preserving your privacy around on-flight accommodations).

4. What does a career coach do?

I am unhappy in my current job and have been trying unsuccessfully to find something new for years now. I have multiple arts degrees and a job history that should translate into a good fill for most generic office jobs. However, I am totally overwhelmed about how to find these sorts of jobs and what they might be called in various industries so that I can apply.

So I found a career coach, hoping that she could take a look at my skill set and help me track down jobs I would qualify for or translate my skill set for a particular industry. I honestly don’t care where I work or what I do — I just want to be paid fairly and not work with total jerks.

However, that wasn’t what she seemed capable of doing. She was more like a high school guidance counsellor, making me take a number of personality and aptitude tests and asking a lot of questions about my “dream job.” One, I do not dream of labor, and two, I had my “dream job” and was chased out due to rampant sexual harassment and other bad behavior. I stayed way too long and developed anxiety issues because it was my “dream.” “Dream jobs” are a trap.

I could not get her to move on to actually applying for jobs because she was so hung up on me finding passion for a career, and that’s just never going to happen. I’ve reached out to a few other “career coaches” and they all seemed to be in the same zone: helping me find my passion. I have passion, it’s just not for work.

Did I just find a bunch of really bad coaches? Or is this what coaches do, and what I really need is another “assistance in finding work” person that’s called something else?

This is indeed what a lot of career coaches, maybe even the majority, do. They’re often the live version of that old What Color is Your Parachute? book. You could try screening them by being very, very explicit before hiring someone that what you need is help figuring out what you’d be qualified for, not what you would be motivated by, but even then, unless you find someone unusually good, I’d worry that they’ll fall back on the “passion” framework. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find, but it does mean you’re going to have to do a lot of pre-screening before engaging someone.

Part of the problem is that there aren’t any particular qualifications required to be a career coach, so just because someone is calling themselves that doesn’t mean they’ll have any expertise at understanding the range of jobs out there and what would make someone a good match for an employer hiring for that job (versus the “let’s explore your inner world” bent that you’ve been encountering). You’d probably have an easier time if you can identify a handful of industries you’re interested in and then seek out recruiters who work in those fields; they’re better equipped to help you position yourself as a candidate than many coaches are. (To be clear, recruiters work for employers, not candidates — but if you have skills they’re looking for, good ones can help match you to those jobs.) But that’s a little different than what you’re looking for.

5. Should I pay $600 for a certification I need for a job I’d like?

I’m trying to decide if I should study for and spend the money to take a board certification test. I’ve been working at my company for five years and have been a working, licensed professional for 14. I have an interest in moving more into a corporate role, and have a big interest into moving into a computer-based role. However those jobs are very rare to open up and are highly competitive when they do.

There is a different, more regulatory role in the health system that has opened up recently. It requires a specific, niche board certification. I emailed the hiring manager asking if they would consider hiring someone with a “certification within 6 months of hire” clause and was told no.

The cost of signing up for the test is $600. I think I could do well in the role and would enjoy it, and it also works closely with the department I want to move into. But it’s hard to fathom spending that much money for the sake of a job I may not even get an interview for.

Would the certification also make you a stronger candidate for other jobs that you’d want to apply for — and would you be a compelling candidate for those jobs once you had the certification? If so, it could be a worthwhile investment. But if not, I don’t recommend spending $600 just for a chance to be considered for a single job.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A reminder: We’ve had a recent increase in trolling here, and you can help me by NOT RESPONDING to it. Instead, please flag the comment for me (to do that, reply with a link, which will send your comment to moderation so I’ll see it) and I’ll take care of it. If you want, you can respond “reported” so people know it’s been dealt with and isn’t just being allowed to stand. But please do not engage. Thank you.

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    3. A.K. Climpson*

      There are so many names that are also slang terms for inappropriate work topics (e.g. Dick, Roger, even to some extent John). It would be absurd and offensive to refuse to use one of those or to insist on calling someone who uses Dick “Richard.”

      That conclusion does not change depending on the alternative meaning of the name. It’s not being used as a slur when it’s just being used as a name (unless someone has self-selected a slur as a name for that reason, in which case it’s fine to offend them by not using it).

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      1. AnotherSarah*

        I agree about the OP needing to use the given name, but I don’t think Dick or Roger is similar at all. The name I think the OP means is a slur (except, I’d say, if it’s used by members of that group, but outsiders should tread very carefully), and the meaning of the name is exactly the group it’s slurring. So while Dick is both a nickname for Richard and a penis, this word is only this group, which I do think makes it feel different to OP.

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        1. SemiAnon*

          I’d guess something like Gipsy, which to some people is a totally normal girl’s name, and to others is a racial slur.

          I work in a very international environment, and we get all sorts of names that don’t cross language barriers well, and you simply learn to say names respectfully and with a straight face, and after using a few times, it’s just their name. It’s not just rude words – my name sounds like “Mommy” in the native language of many of my collaborators, my husband’s is a common noun in mine.

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          1. Jillian with a J dammit*

            That’s the name I was thinking. Depending on the age of the applicant’s mother, it may not have always been considered a slur and was just a name she liked. I’m over 60 and I know two people named that (with a y).

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            1. Jackalope*

              It’s also possible that the person doesn’t know that it’s a slur, or their parents didn’t know when they named their child. (The second seeming more probable to me.) Slurs change all the time, and if you aren’t a member of the group who’s getting insulted it’s possible that you’ve never heard it used in that way.

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          2. coffee*

            Yeah, I would also mentally categorise that person’s name in a different mental space than the slur. Much like a homophone, it sounds the same but has a different meaning. I do think it’s similar to a man named Dick, or a woman called Rose, you’re not actually referring to an object when you refer to the person with that name.

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          3. John*

            My guess would be Jagger’s first name, as that’s the only thing I can think of that’s a slur in some contexts and just like a normal name in others.

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            1. Resentful Oreos*

              Jagger’s first name is the more commonly used diminutive for “Michael” in the UK, Ireland, and Australia, as I understand it. “Mike” is the American version. I think the British version is far too tightly tied in with “Mickey Mouse” to ever be used in the US.

              As far as the employee’s first name, I was thinking it was the one beginning with G and made famous by being added to Rose Lee.

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            2. londonedit*

              Eh? ‘Mick’ is a slur? I’ve never heard that one before. In Britain we say ‘taking the mick’ or ‘taking the mickey’ to mean making fun of or being cheeky, but I’ve never encountered it as a slur or a rude word.

              I’d say Mick and Mike are probably equally common shortenings for Michael in the UK.

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              1. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

                It’s anti-Irish, yeah (though my grandad also used it to refer to Catholics generally). That said, while that was the context I heard it in growing up, I’ve met a few guys called Mick as an adult and the two different connotations don’t really clash in my head at all.

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              2. AMM*

                It can be if you’re relating it to The Troubles… or have recently been reading/have seen a performance of Brian Friel’s Translations.

                That said, none of my Irish cousins are named ‘Michael’, though one from England is, and the Irish side of the family have never mentioned any of the connotations about Catholics… so I don’t know how ‘current’ the terminology actually is.

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              3. linger*

                “Mick” (and “Paddy”) are indeed used, as indefinite generic nouns, as slurs for “an Irishman”, both in American and British English (and elsewhere). The New Oxford American Dictionary lists both as “informal, offensive”. But even so, that use is grammatically distinct from use as a literal name of an individual, and should not stop anyone from using an individual’s actual name.

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                1. Caller 2*

                  Yep. It can be a slur, but a lot of Irish men (older generation in my experience, but still) go by Mick. And Paddy.

              4. CheerilyTerrified*

                As an Irish person I’ve definitely heard mick used as a slur in the UK. You hear people saying micks as a replacement for Irish, usually linked to the common Irish are stupid/violent/dumb/drunk/stroppy/sly/workshy racist stereotypes. It was more common in 80s and 90s, disappeared a bit and it definitely feels like there was a resurgence with Brexit.

                But it is also a nickname, and obviously they are used differently. You can tell when someone is referring to someone versus using it as a slur.

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                1. I&I*

                  I’d say that’s a slightly different case than if the name is, say, G- as in ‘Rose Lee’. That was always a term of disparagement, whereas ‘Mick’ and ‘Paddy’ were adopted as slurs because at the time they were popular names for Irish men. (It occurs to me that if they’d wanted to slag off Irish women, ‘Mary’ and ‘Bernadette’ would probably be slurs now!) But being actual names came first; they weren’t offensive in themselves.

                  Regardless, I wouldn’t let it shape your opinion of a job applicant. It’s unlikely they chose it themselves, after all, so if it reflects on anyone’s judgement it’ll be their parents – who aren’t the ones applying for the job.

          4. Richard Hershberger*

            Fun fact: “Jihad” is a standard Arabic given name. It comes up as a source of awkwardness, or worse, from time to time in the American context.

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            1. amoeba*

              Yeah, my boyfriend’s uncle was called Jihad – he did choose to change his name when he came to Germany, that was also one of the cases where that was easily passed.

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        2. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

          I’m thinking of a colleague I once had whose surname was Hoare – I’d argue that it was not on her to change her name, but on us to think of it as a separate word from the slur for a sex worker (in my country the two words are pronounced identically).

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            1. stratospherica*

              We had a teacher called Mr. Burke, which only the parents really got. (Berk, pronounced the same way, is a British slang word for an idiot)

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              2. Aww, coffee, no*

                And the real problem with berk is its linguistic roots – it was a shortened version of Berkeley Hunt, where the ‘hunt’ was rhyming slang for a very gendered insult.
                Which would still not be a reason to call someone Mr Burke, if that was their name.

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            2. londonedit*

              We had a teacher whose name was Richard, but once you got to the sixth form (post-16, doing your A levels, in my school you were allowed to wear your own clothes rather than uniform and you were generally treated more like adults) if you were studying his subject he’d start the first lesson by saying ‘Call me Dick!’ – which always resulted in gales of laughter from a load of 16-year-olds.

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          2. londonedit*

            I went to school with someone whose surname was Haugh, pronounced in the same way as Hoare. Of course she didn’t have the greatest time at secondary school with a load of teenagers, but people got over themselves and I definitely do still have a separation in my mind between ‘Haugh’ as a name and the other word.

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          3. History together*

            Haha, that was my very proper grandmother’s maiden name. I have a hard time believing she understood what her surname sounded like because she was my proper grandmother, but she must have!

            One of the cousins from that side of the family is a prominent Christian pastor (in a part of the world where that kind of Christianity is not the norm). He’s a decent enough guy who AFAIK goes out of his way to do actual Christ-like work but I do think it’s kind of funny nonetheless.

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      2. UKDancer*

        I had to work with an American called Randy in a previous company. In the UK that is hardly ever used as a name because it means aroused. I fell about laughing when I was told the name of my new colleague. Then I composed myself so when I met him I was professional.

        I still think it’s hilarious but it’s his name so I use it and manage to forget the other meaning mostly.

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        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          I am so glad I never had to work with any Americans named Randy while I was living there. I think being surrounded by Americans who didn’t know the British meaning would have made me go into full-on giggling mode every time I heard it.

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          1. Magpie*

            It means the same thing in America and I’m betting almost everyone here is aware of that meaning. It’s just that Randy is also such a common mens name here that I think everyone separates that in their mind over here and doesn’t automatically think of the slang when talking to a person with the name, just like other people have mentioned with the name Dick.

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        2. Nina*

          A friend of mine once knew an American [performer of a niche art] named Randy Love. Mr. Love changed his stage name PDQ after moving to New Zealand, where ‘randy’ takes the British meaning.

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    4. diasporacrew*

      I’m not sure it’s quite as easy as that. This is an extreme example, but I once met someone with the given name Hitler. It was spelled very slightly differently but was both clearly meant as a reference to and pronounced like Hitler. This wasn’t someone who changed their name to be provocative, it was their given name their parents called him.
      I never saw this person again past this first meeting, so didn’t have to figure out what I’d do, but I think I would have had to come up with an alternative.

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        1. diasporacrew*

          As I said, I never saw this person again, but I don’t think I would have been able to call them that and seem warm and normal toward them.

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      2. Jessie J*

        Hitler is a real Germanic name though, along with Adolph. And families still use this name in Germany because well, it’s common to them.

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            1. jtr*

              I think that diasporacrew is saying that this non-German person’s FIRST NAME was “Hitler” – like Hitler Tiberius Kirk.

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              1. Jessie J*

                I understand but it’s such a common name so it’s not that alarming. I’m germanic and lived in germany and switzerland, and saw this name often.

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                1. Harriet Vane*

                  No, it isn’t. It really isn’t. I can’t speak for Switzerland (but I very strongly doubt it), but Hitler, or any variation thereof, is not a common first name in Germany, nor has it ever been historically. Given there are regulations about what children can be named in Germany, I don’t think the name would be approved by any registry office. As for Adolf, yes, that once was a common first name, but it has rapidly fallen out of usage after 1945.

                  Germanic, btw, is a term that was core to Nazi ideology, so I would be careful to use it as a self-descriptor unless you are a language family or a pre-medieval tribe. You might give people the wrong idea.

                2. jtr*

                  Jessie J, are you really saying that no one in Germany would bat an eye at naming a kid Hitler as their first name, because the name is so common there? I find that…well, pretty unbelievable, to be honest.

                3. Emmy Noether*

                  Harriet Vane is right in all points. It’s not common in any German speaking country, it IS alarming.

                  And “germanic” is for languages and for ancient peoples causing the fall of Rome. You are not germanic.

                4. Myrin*

                  What? I’m not sure whether you are just misunderstanding what others are saying or what, “Hitler” is not a first name at all!

                  And I am German, have lived in Germany all my life, and majored in German language and literature, and I have actually literally never encountered it as a surname, either (probably because it indeed wasn’t very common to begin with and after the war, despite Germany having very strict conventions and laws around changing your name at all that would be one of the outstanding reasons for being allowed to change your name immediately).

                  But also, again, it is not and has never been a first name!

                5. amoeba*

                  What?

                  No, no, it’s really, really not. I mean, I could *probably* get over myself and use the name if it’s somebody from, whatever, South Africa (apparently, it’s a thing there? Trevor Noah has a very funny story about a boy called Hitler in “Born a Crime”…), but a German person? No. Just no. Even “Adolf” is not really used at all anymore and I’d *definitely* be at least a little suspect if I met an Adolf, and a lot more if the person was born after, like, 1950 or so.

                  There’s an Austrian football coach called “Adolf Hütter” and even that name raises quite some eyebrows here – apparently, he’s named after his grandfather or something, but it does not land well. He uses “Adi”, I assume for that reason.

                6. Limmy*

                  I’m European and lived in Germany for a long time and I don’t believe this for a second. Germans are acutely aware of the shadow of their past. No one would choose this as a name (which is NOT common or historical) unless they were deliberately being provocative and they wouldn’t be allowed to. Anyone with that surname would have changed their name generations ago.

                  I do not believe the poster making that claim is German or has been to Germany.

        2. Emmy Noether*

          I am German and just want to note a few things:

          1) people do not call their children Adolph in Germany anymore, although there are still people in their 80s with that name. I have never met one born after 45, and I would assume his parents are Nazis.

          2) Germans have never used “Hitler” as a given name. It’s a last name, and pretty much extinct.

          3) Changing one’s name is difficult to impossible in Germany (a judge has to decide your name is harmful to you), and carrying that name is one of the few things that will fairly automatically go through.

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          1. Myrin*

            I do know (of; he used to live in my town but I’ve never met him personally) exactly one Adolf who was born in 1970 or so and as far as I could tell, literally every firstborn son in his family since the 1880s at least had that name and it was passed down like a regular “family name” (which I’m pretty sure is the reason the Standesamt even allowed it at all). But good god, talk about being tone-deaf and not aware/willfully ignorant of how that will come across at best (at best!).

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            1. Emmy Noether*

              Yeah, that is the kind of situation where I could see the name being allowed, and also the whole town talking about it. He’ll have to either never leave the town where everyone knows (of) him, or get it changed.

              There will also always be a whiff of… maybe it’s not just naïveté/stubbornness on the part of the parents.

              To bring the discussion back to the letter, the Adolfs I knew all went by Addi. I’d call one by the full name if he wished, though. Names are complex things, with complex reasons behind them, and they most often say more about the parents than the person.

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          2. amoeba*

            This.

            Also, pretty sure it’s very similar in Switzerland (although it might be a little less extreme because, well, not quite so close, historically.)

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          3. Caller 2*

            Harpo Marx’s (born 1888) birth name was Adolph, though he later changed it to Arthur. I imagine he wasn’t the only Adolph to do so.

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          4. I Would Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

            Yeah – Adolph also used to be semi-common in Sweden and I have one or two (now deceased) connections on my family tree by that name…but I have never met anyone born post WWII with the name Adolph.

            I think that name has been pretty robustly rejected by modern generations.

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      3. The Prettiest Curse*

        If this person was from South America, there is a tradition in that region of naming people after historical world leaders. The most prominent recent example is Lenin Moreno, former president of Ecuador.

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        1. diasporacrew*

          No, they weren’t South American. And Lenin Moreno was named that because his parents admired Lenin… I would argue it is still different than admiring Hitler, which is pretty universally frowned upon.

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          1. The Prettiest Curse*

            I agree that Hitler is different than other names and a terrible name choicd (and I would also have difficulty getting past it myself, even as someone who comes across lots of unusual names in my work), but I did once participate in a discussion thread elsewhere where a ton of people gave examples of people they had known in South America with names of foreign political leaders. There’s a Venezuelan footballer whose first name is Stalin, for example.

            I’m sure part of it is people naming a child in tribute to a leader they admire (or not doing research on the source of the name), but also there is probably some of it is ‘hey, this name sounds cool to me, wasn’t this person famous?” and not realising the name will be received differently in other cultural contexts.

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        2. Bay*

          Not just Latin America either– Trevor Noah wrote about a popular DJ in his neighborhood when he was a teenager in South Africa named Hitler, because Famous Foreign Names were popular

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          1. diasporacrew*

            I remember that being a result of a few historical factors, namely: black south African people being forced by apartheid-era legislation to have English sounding names in addition to their actual names; their having no innate understanding of cultural conventions around English-language naming conventions; and apartheird-era schooling and education being woefully inadequate around the evils of the Third Reich (I wonder why…)
            So, not historical neutral, and the story did revolve around Jewish people finding it unbearable to address him that way (rightly).

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            1. Caller 2*

              Yeah. A lot of colonised or formerly colonised peoples saw WWII as being chiefly Britain vs Germany and had a hard time seeing what Germany was doing as any worse than what Britain had been up to until very very recently (or was still up to).

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          2. amoeba*

            That story is amazing. I believe it was a dancer, not a DJ, and the rest of the troupe were cheering him on because he was great, so they were going “Go Hitler! Go Hitler!” at all the contests. Until they went to a Jewish school and suddenly the audience went very quiet…

            I’ll also always remember the time when my German friend was telling that story to us two other Germans in the break room and our French colleague came in right when he quoted “Go Hitler”. Must have been quite the look (context matters, people!)

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    6. Suze*

      Agree. I knew a woman called Jihad, and since she was a Muslim I initially felt uncomfortable. It can sound like an insult specifically directed at Muslims, and I was a bit worried that other people who didn’t know it was her real name would think I was insulting her. But I looked up the name and found out it’s a perfectly normal name in her culture meaning struggle (a struggle to be a better person), and after that I quickly got used to calling her that. I recommend that the OP look up the original meaning of this name and understand the cultural context for why their parents chose it.

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      1. Peregrine*

        If it’s the name most of us are figuring it is, there wouldn’t be any cultural context. That’s one thing that makes it weird—in addition to being a slur, it’s like, for example, naming your child an off-color word for Swedish people when you’re not even Swedish.

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        2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

          Back when the parents were chosing a name is likely 20+ years and maybe decades more, so likely not widely thought of as a slur.
          Even now many younger people outside this ethnicity and also outside the white middle class professional bubble don’t realise this. Especially someone ESL that maybe only knew of the musical.

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        3. Nina*

          If it’s the name I think it is (a slur for Romany people), the cultural context is that I still, frequently, in 2025, have to tell people that ‘gypped’ is not an appropriate word to use in any context and ‘swindled’ would be better, and that ‘gypsy’ is in fact a slur and not just a Fleetwood Mac or Cher song. Like, this is still news to a lot of people under 30! Especially in Britain, where being racist to/about Romany and Traveller people is still fairly normal and acceptable.

          I can absolutely imagine somewhat-alternative (maybe not even that alternative) parents naming a child Gypsy and having no problem with it, right now, let alone 20-odd years ago for the child to be old enough to be interviewing for jobs.

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          1. amoeba*

            Yeah, this. There was also quite a bit of romanticising going on there, so while definitely not appropriate nowadays, I honestly don’t think most people would have considered the word in any way problematic in, like, the 70s?

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            1. Tasty Corner*

              Usage and interpretation varies geographically. There are some people from Traveller communities (or family backgrounds) retaining it as their own preferred identity term – either reclaiming or never seeing it as a slur in the first place. That’s an in-group choice, not anyone else’s to make for them. (Can only speak for UK context)

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              1. Nodramalama*

                I didn’t say it was right, I said a lot of people do not know that gypped even has any connotation, let alone that it could be offensive.

                Reply ↓
              2. Mr McGregor's Gardener*

                I went and looked this up, since I usually note think that Americans find it to always be a slur, no question; and the UK census of 2021 had 71,400 people self identify as Gypsy/Irish Traveller (0.1% of the population). That census has a space to write in a preferred identity if the one you use isn’t included on the pre-printed list (same way you can write in Jedi under religion), so the option to use Roma or any variation thereof was there.

                I think, as Tasty says, there is a conscious effort to reclaim the word, in much the same way queer has been taken back from being a slur. Tyson Fury, the boxer uses the ring name The Gypsy King- although he’s actually Irish Traveller, which is another matter. Of course, it absolutely does get used as a slur, and context and location are key. But if you go in assuming that someone using the word gypsy is either malicious or ignorant it’s entirely possible you’re going to put your foot in it.

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            2. Insert Clever Name Here*

              Yeah, I am a white middle class woman who’s almost 40 and while I knew that the word meant Romany people, it’s not one that I frequently heard at all growing up on the US gulf coast, to the point I didn’t even realize it was a slur until literally 2 years ago watching an episode of Derry Girls. And I read a LOT, in a lot of various genres and authors from different backgrounds. I just…didn’t come across this information.

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          3. Prof*

            What I have discovered in the US is that many people there don’t know that Romani people are real. I guess the minority is very small in the US? I had a conversation at university there, where people thought that they were a sort of fairy-tale phenomenon. When I said that there are (quite many!) actual Romani people in Europe, to them it was like saying we have knights and dragons.

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        4. ACG*

          in my part of the world the (assumed) name usually has a *positive* spin on it, and brings to mind romantic free spirits and such. It’s a weird disconnect to know that it’s a slur (and to stop my own usage) and to drive down essentially main street and see the restaurant named basically (Slur) Kitchen.

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        5. History together*

          Assuming it is this word for a certain group of travelling people, I have come across people who didn’t quite realise that it was a real ethnic group. I think they’d kind of thought of them as storybook people, like hobbits.

          Just as I’ve come across people who kind of didn’t quite realise Indigenous North Americans are real modern people and not just from stories. In both cases they were like, oh yeah, duh, when I pointed out that they are real people.

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          1. History together*

            A lot of people also don’t realise Sherpas are an ethnic group and not just a job. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were people who thought the word we are discussing described people who followed a certain lifestyle rather than an ethnic group.

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      2. Elsa*

        Yup, I’ve met people named Jihad, it’s a pretty normal Muslim name. And last night out for dinner we started chatting with the waiter, and someone in our party asked him what his name was. He sort of flinched while saying his name was Osama. I’m sure he knows it sounds weird to Americans, but I think it’s also a normal Muslim name. We said: “Nice to meet you, Osama.”

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    7. Nodramalama*

      I agree. It’s their name, they should be called that. I think it’s pretty weird that girls are called things like Chastity, but it really is none of my business.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cats Ate My Croissant*

        Chastity always makes me think of Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett, where a family names their daughters after virtues and their sons after vices. So there’s a character called Bestiality Carter.

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    8. CityMouse*

      My great grandparents were from a rural farming community and not terribly literate due to lack of education and so my grandmother and her siblings were named some odd things (think Marine instead of Maureen). I definitely could see someone from a similar situation being in the situation here. So there’s an aspect to which unusual names may represent a non traditional background.

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      1. Ohio Duck*

        No group is being targeted by the person’s name. In this context, it’s just their name and it would be disrespectful not to use it.

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    1. K*

      Almost certainly is the word frequently used for Roma people which begins with G. Since it’s not always acknowledged as a slur and has positive connotations in some contexts, there are nonzero people who have it as a given name.

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    3. ??*

      It depends on what languages you’re exposed to.

      I personally know of words in 3 languages that sound “offensive” in English that could be a person’s surname that are not offensive at all.

      It would be odd to not address a person by their name.

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  4. TheBunny*

    OP #3

    I used to travel for work a lot and I found that, for the most part, others who are traveling for the same thing (unless the travel is part of the experience) really don’t care who travels, when, or where they sit on the plane. They are more focused on getting there themselves.

    I think you will be just fine if you give your (fake if that works) reason and just matter of factly answer anyone who comments on it. Basically, I am saying that you are giving this much more thought than anyone else will as they are focused on getting their own travel dealt with.

    And, FWIW, I would fly out earlier too. I can’t think of many worse ways to start a work trap than getting 4 hours of sleep the night before the convention starts.

    Good luck.

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    1. RC*

      +1. You’re traveling for work, will already have extremely long days, take your travel time during your “normal” workday rather than leaving after a full day of regular work. I’ve seen conferences explicitly start on Tuesdays for that purpose (so people can spend Monday traveling rather than sacrifice a weekend).

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    2. Mutually supportive*

      And even less if there are any delays! What’s the point of making and effort to go to a conference, just to be too tired to take anything in when you get there!?

      Reply ↓
      1. DJ Abbott*

        That’s what I was thinking too. If there are any delays in the flight, getting the hotel room, getting something to eat… they will get little to no sleep and probably have to sleep through the first day of the conference. It’s inviting trouble.

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    3. amoeba*

      Yeah, I mean, I’d probably ask my colleagues whether they want to travel together (because I usually actually appreciate the company, and so do they, apparently), but if they just said “oh no, I’m taking an earlier flight”, there would be zero issue. “Ok, see you there, then”.

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  5. JSPA*

    #1, on a practical level, there’s a reasonable chance they themselves pronounce it differently, or go by a nickname. Or that you can ask if they’ve ever considered going by Kiki or Gipper or Spock, as you’d be happy to do that.

    But you can’t give them a new use-name if they’re not looking to get one.

    And you can’t refuse to use their given name to their face, singling them out in doing so.

    This is even true if the name was given to be provocative or to “own” people.

    What if the person is self-named? In that case, the problem is the attitude (“I want to make people uncomfortable unless they share my views”) rather than the name. (You can very reasonably decline to hire someone who likes to see people cringe, to the degree of changing their name to do it.)

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    1. EllenD*

      I did wonder if it was a name that would be pronounced differently from the racial slur, even though it’s spelt the same. The only option as JSPA says is to ask how it’s pronounce or whether they use an abbreviation or alternative in day to day dealings. On job applications, many people tend to go by the name on their ID/driving licence so it’s easier to do identity checks, etc, even though they use a nickname or abbreviation.

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  6. Jen*

    Is it possible housing is considered part of compensation, and also, is it possible that live in aides do not need to be compensated for time sleeping? Add the stipend, the employer provided housing, and that you are sleeping most of the time, and maybe, the roommate job is over minimum wage after all…

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    1. Jinni*

      But having to pay tax on that ‘free’ rent is going to catch up as additional taxable income…at least in the US. Will the stipend cover the extra tax?

      Reply ↓
      1. Fineday1*

        I wondered about that too. I have a number of friends who took jobs as apartment managers to get free rent and don’t get much above that.

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      2. MK*

        I doubt the “free rent” is going to be declared as income; and whether non-monetary compensation is taxed (and so should be declared) depends on the tax code where one lives.

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    2. Properlike*

      If you’re expected to respond to emergencies or bathroom help, you are “on call” and should be paid for that time.

      Reply ↓
      1. Emmy Noether*

        I’ve heard of programs like this for older people who just want someone there in case they fall (so hopefully never actually needed), and I think that’s fair in exchange for very cheap rent.

        This sounds like more that that, though. If they can expect to have to do something every night, or even just regularly, that does sound like “on call” work that should be paid.

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        1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

          That can work out ok if it’s just in case of rare/occasional falls, but otherwise lack of sleep would likely interfere with their performance at their day job / life.
          The big difference in this case is the close connection to a VP of the day job and the VP misusing his access and power over employees. Big red flags

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          1. Emmy Noether*

            It’s my understanding that it’s more as an insurance against a potential fall, not reoccuring actual falls.

            And I agree that the job connection makes it too messy anyway.

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        2. amoeba*

          Yeah, this, and also for company, help with the shopping and upkeep of the house, etc… there was a programme like that called “living for help” when I was a student, and it was basically that. Students got a free room, elderly people got some help at home and company. And sure, some “insurance” in case of a fall or medical emergency

          I think that’s actually completely alright. But that was people who were generally self-sufficient, not actually requiring regular caretaking! That’s a whole different story.

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    3. Dhaskoi*

      I work in the industry and what are called ‘sleepover shifts’ are still shifts. Even if you’re sleeping you’re being paid to be available if necessary – on call as another commenter said – and if you are needed in the middle of the night you get paid more.

      This arrangement seems more like a sneaky way of getting around having to pay for that – and that’s before factoring in how much assistance the person will actually need. Depending on the level this offer could actually involve a lot of work and many nights of broken, irregular sleep.

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      1. Spooz*

        And also curtail your ability to have a life! If day shift leaves at Xpm, presumably you HAVE to be at home from then until they arrive again. What if you want to go to the theatre and out for drinks afterwards and get home at midnight? What if you decide to take up running really early in the morning before the day shift arrives? What if you want to go on holiday? All fine to give up if you’re being paid for it. Less if you’re just getting these mysterious “benefits” and “stipend”.

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        1. MK*

          I would also question how the “roommate” relationship would work in the context of one person being paid to provide services to the other as part of living in the flat. Can they have people over or for visits? Is it understood that it is only appropriate to ask them for help at specific times? If the daughter does ask for help at other times, is she asking her roommate for a favour, and will they feel comfortable saying no if they don’t want to do it?

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    4. WS*

      It’s pretty common around my university for elderly people to offer cheap/free rent for students in return for help around the house, but they’re not on call and they don’t have to help with overnight bathroom visits. That’s a job.

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    5. PurpleCattledog*

      It’s not uncommon in my (not US) country for people to advertise free rent in exchange for an agreed to level of care. They need care – they have room. Someone else can provide care and needs accommodation.

      These arrangements are legal, but the duty of care the carer owes differs than from a paid carer. They are effectively friend-carers. This can help both parties financially. Person needing care gets help without having to a) pay out of pocket, or b) have the financial liabilities of renting out a room in their house. Person providing care doesn’t have to pay for rent and likewise isn’t attracting tax liabilities. Many pwd could never afford to pay for a professional carer 24×7.

      The problem with this arrangement is really the imbalance of power. Unless the LW has had a discussion with the daughter or the parent about the details – they’re speculating about what the arrangement actually looks like, and therefore whether the agreement is fair. If the daughter only occasionally needs overnight assistance, and there’s arrangements for being away for blocks of holidays or occasional events – I could see this suiting some people.

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  7. Jinni*

    LW 5’s question hits close to home. I’ve been out of my profession for 17 years and have been thinking of returning to some low level temp/contract roles. While I was away, the industry coalesced around one specific software. Since I missed the learn on the job moment a decade ago, they’re hiring only those who have recent experience or are certified. Certification is $700. Completion of which does not guarantee a role, just a greater chance of being pulled from the database when a contract gig becomes available. The downside is I can’t discern if this specific lack of qualification is the culprit or whether it’s having to list year of professional license acquisition is the barrier. But spending hundreds of dollars for the possibility isn’t attractive. At least LW5 would possibly get a higher level position…maybe….

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    1. LW-5*

      LW-5 here!
      Oof, that sounds tough! I think it’s silly that your industry is requiring certification for even entry level employees! I feel like my situation is different in that the certification definitely ensures you have the right knowledge base, but it’s not critical for functioning in the role. Also this is a one person job- so I wouldn’t have the chance to ask a friend.
      Do you know anyone who is still in the industry? Maybe they could show you around the system then you could honestly say you’ve received one on one training? (Don’t know if that’s dodgy because of copyright stuff)
      Good luck either way!

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  8. Random Academic Cog*

    LW 3: It’s really normal to book flights that get into town at a reasonable time. Especially when it doesn’t add an extra hotel night to the costs. Though I’ve also paid for the extra night out of pocket when there are no convenient flights available. It’s just not worth being exhausted for the conference. But also consider the timing of the flight back if part of the reason you want to fly separately is to avoid dealing with coworkers on the plane.

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  9. RCB*

    #3, I agree with Alison that this absolutely should NOT be an issue at all, so I’d go ahead and assume it is fine. However, if it is an issue, the people you work for are so crazy that they want you to work all day long and then travel all evening for work to get to a conference that is also nonstop 16 hour says, then I disagree with Alison that lying to them is the right option, so I would not say you are going out early to have dinner with a family member. I worry that if the office is that time demanding and unreasonable already then they are going to see you as using company travel as a “vacation” and that’s going to look worse. Of course this is absolutely bull that they see it this way, but you can’t make everyone be rational.

    I’d suggest booking an early flight and if it does come up just say something like “airports (or airplanes) are particularly draining for me so I am giving myself a few extra hours to travel so it’s not so taxing on me.” It’s ambiguous enough that you aren’t disclosing a health issue (lots of perfectly healthy people find airports to be draining), it’s also true, it addresses that it’s an issue for that one day and not a broader “travel is draining” where they might start worrying if you’re going to be too exhausted each day to do the job they are sending you there for.

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    1. BellStell*

      I agree on the use of ‘travel is draining’ and would add, ‘to be fresh and energised for the conference to best showcase our firm’

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      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I agree that the angle is “arrive early enough for optimal conference prep” where you can make it sound like you mean shaking out your best suit and practising sales pitches in the mirror, when it actually means decompressing in a hot shower and going to bed with ear plugs in.

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    2. Allonge*

      I was thinking the same (go low detail, preferably no lies), especially if this travel thing is not a one-off. It’s going to get weird to claim to have a relative in a dozen different places, or to always visit with them if the travel always goes to the same place. ‘I prefer to / will take an earlier fight, see you there’ is more than enough.

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  10. Sarah N*

    “Bich” is a popular and beautiful Vietnamese girl’s name that means “gemstone” or “Jade,” and by the way is pronounced “bik.”

    It’s not my name, but I have relatives and friends who’ve sadly relayed comments from unenlightened people who’ll see the name and say things like, Your parents named you the b-word??!! They must’ve hated you, haha!!

    I wouldn’t call this a microagression; this is pure aggression. Pointing out the term of insult in the homonym or spelling of a given name, ethnic or not, strikes me not only as paternalistic and a power play, but also an unwanted calling out of a person’s differences without consideration for their own humanity or ability to contribute to the workplace… or society. And hearing others incorrectly relate their names to slurs over and over again in different settings wears on the psyches of the owners.

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      1. linger*

        You’re good either way. Homonym can cover words sharing written and/or spoken form. Homophone = more specifically sharing spoken form, but not necessarily spelling; and homograph = sharing written form, but not necessarily pronunciation.

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    2. Peregrine*

      If this is the name most people are assuming it is, it’s more like parents naming their child the N word because they didn’t realize it was considered a slut by the people it’s referring to (obvs the n word has always been derogatory, but I can’t think of another word similar to the g word).

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      1. Nodramalama*

        This is not a good analogy because the N word is not a name. This is presumably, a name that people actually use.

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        1. misspiggy*

          Yes but it refers to a group of people. It’s exactly the same usage but currently has different status in mainstream culture.

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    3. Yvette*

      Your first paragraph brings up a very good point. The way something is spelled can be very different from the way it is pronounced. Near as I can tell the letter writer has only seen the name. Perhaps once they hear it pronounced correctly it will no longer be an issue. And now I can’t get Joaquin/Wakeen out of my head.

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      1. Meet in person*

        I am so glad somebody brought up the example of “Bich”, which is pronounced as “Bik” and not “Bitch” (as I made it up in my head). It is not said that OP will be reminded of the slur once they hear it or that OP will be reminded of the slur when they see the person. They shouldn’t judge just from paper.

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    4. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, don’t judge names from other cultures that don’t have the same meaning or cultural baggage as that name in yours. Maybe also not the same pronunciation.
      Use their own name without bringing in your own cultural judgement – unless it is a nickname or shorter version, in which case tell them to use their full forename.

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    5. PurpleCattledog*

      The problem with names is that they aren’t just used around the person who knows it’s their name.

      I worked with a guy and people didn’t use his nickname (I don’t think he realised our accents made it sound basically horribly racist) much and stuck with his formal name. Cause there was just no way we’d stand at a community event and call out a racist insult to address the coloured guy. While I can easily call out Hey Steve can you take the water over to the marquee – replace Steve with an insult, slur, or otherwise offensive way people are called that is not locally recognised as a name and it really isn’t the same as sitting in a closed team meeting and saying morning “Steve” how’s the new teapot design going? There’s just so many scenarios where I see things going really really wrong because you’re insisting that everyone should just realise you aren’t hurling insults around – it’s just their name.

      If someone’s name can’t legally be said on day time radio, or would require a language warning on a tv program/movie it feels very head in the sand to pretend that it won’t cause issues by insisting on using it. It may be their name, and may be lovely in their own language/culture – but part of travel is acknowledging that you’re now in someone else’s language and culture and adapting may be necessary or just expedient.

      And yes I would absolutely use a local name if I lived somewhere that my name was problematic.

      Reply ↓
  11. Daria grace*

    #2: even if he were offering a great wage, having someone informally work for the boss’ family would still be incredibly problematic. What happens if his daughter really doesn’t like the “roommate” or accused them of doing wrong by her? What if the “roommate” is or should be disciplined or fired by their job but is stuck caring for the boss’s child in very demanding ways? What if the “roommate” learns things about boss’ family dynamics they probably shouldn’t know? Frankly even without the boss power dynamics framing it as a room mate situation instead of giving it the clarity and legal status of a formalised employment contract almost guarantees problems. There is almost no way the proposed arrangement ends well for anyone involved

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  12. Anon1234*

    #1: I have sympathy with your dilemma. I had an Italian colleague who told us he went by a horrible racial slur (UK based) for people from Pakistan as a shortened version of his name.
    None of us could use this name. I tended to call him ‘um’ or ‘excuse me’. It wasn’t meant to be a micro aggression on my part, but the name is so offensive and was used to racially abuse some of my friends at school that I just couldn’t speak it.

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    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      If this was a shortened form of his name, or a nickname – i.e. his choice – I’d have told him we had to use his full forename.
      If it genuinely was his full name, then imo you have to use it.
      Especially if this is someone from another ethnic background where this name is normal and without the same cultural baggage,

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      1. londonedit*

        Yeah, I think in that case I’d have said ‘Look, I hate to do this, but in the UK the shortened version of your name has some really awful racist connotations, and none of us feel comfortable saying it. Would you mind if we called you by your full name?’

        It’s a bit like how during the Athens Olympics one of the British equestrian team, Pippa Funnell, had her name listed as Philippa because in Greece ‘pipa’ is a slang word for a sexual act and the Greek commentators refused to say it on air. In Britain, Pippa is a perfectly normal name, but it was something that would not be said on television in Greece.

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        1. MK*

          The difference is that the Olympics last a couple of weeks and those commentators were talking about her for the most part, not directly to her (barring the odd interview probably). It’s one thing to accept journalists using your full name, instead of your preferred nickname, on television for a specific time period, and another to tolerate your coworkers changing what you are called. Especially since this likely wasn’t only about the commentators personal comfort, but also them not wanting g to come across as offensive to a woman athlete who was a guest in the country (and maybe falling foul of the rules for appropriate language on television). If an English woman called Pippa worked in Greece long-term, I would expect her coworkers to get used to it.

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          1. londonedit*

            True, and I don’t think anyone should feel *forced* into using a different name, but if I was a Pippa and I went to live in Greece then I think I’d rather someone said ‘Just so you know, in Greece “pipa” means something rude’, and then I could decide whether or not to carry on using the name. If the Italian chap in question isn’t aware of the history of that word in the UK, he might not even realise people are being weirded out by it. If he decides he still wants people to call him by that name, then fine, they’ll have to get used to it. But I also think it’d be a kindness to let him know about the other connotations.

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      2. Nodramalama*

        I don’t know that I agree it would be reasonable to force someone to use their full name if they don’t use it because it makes someone uncomfortable saying it.

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    2. Spooz*

      That’s interesting. I’m also from the UK and am pretty sure I know exactly what name/word you’re referring to.

      But am I that unusual in thinking that I could probably work up to calling him by his name? It would be a shock initially, but much as I could call someone Rose without constantly mistaking them for a flower, or Precious while hating their guts, I think I could draw a line in my mind between the racist term and this innocent Italian name.

      I must admit I assumed the OP would be talking about something like Paddy or Mick. Where it started as a name but became an insult.

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      1. londonedit*

        This is the second time someone’s mentioned Mick, and I’ve never heard it as an insult before! You learn something new every day. Paddy also – I know it can be used in an insulting way, but also you’ve got people in the public eye like Paddy McGuinness, and Patrick Kielty is often called Paddy too, and in those cases it’s just their name.

        I think I would have trouble using the shortened version of this Italian chap’s name, and I probably would – as I said just above – try to gently point out the connotations it has here and maybe gently suggest that people could call him by his full name instead. But if he was dead set on the shorter version – and I can completely understand that, I also use a shorter version of my full name because I really dislike the full version – then I think I would just have to make myself get over it.

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        1. Emmy Noether*

          I think they are American slurs for Irish immigrants (because they are common Irish names)?

          I think they are also currently waning as slurs, because the Irish are no longer the immigrant group most targeted by American xenophobes.

          There is a pattern there of first names (other option: foods) becoming slurs for immigrants. It’s insidious, because pretty much by definition there will be people whose actual name it is.

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          1. londonedit*

            Yeah, now people have mentioned it I have dragged the idea out of the back of my mind that both names can be used as insults. But I’ve never heard them being used in an insulting way, I’ve only ever heard them in the context of being people’s actual names.

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            1. UKDancer*

              Yes I don’t think they are used as insults in the UK (certainly not now.) I’ve known an awful lot of Micks (mostly not Irish) and at least 3 Paddys and so I’d think of it as names first and hardly at all as insults because they’re so common.

              At least one of my second cousins (definitely not Irish) goes by Mick or Mickey because he prefers it to Michael.

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            2. Rebecca*

              We haven’t heard them used as insults for a while because Ireland has largely managed to pull itself out of the oppression of the 17th and 18th centuries and rebuild, but the scars are still there. I dated a man who thought it was edgy and hilarious to call me a ‘dirty mick’ whenever I had a drink.

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            3. Ferret*

              When my mum (Irish woman with a lot of family named Michael) met my dad she was weirded out that he voluntarily went by Mick… but he was an English guy, and this was the 70s and Mick Jagger was cool. It’s one of those that really is a contextual thing and that has faded enough that most English speakers wouldn’t really be aware of it.

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    3. Pennyworth*

      People differentiate, I’d just call him Paki, or Paqui or however he wrote it. Its one way of diffusing the slur version. I never think of my cousin Karen as a ‘Karen’.

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    4. History together*

      Did anyone ever tell him what it meant in English? If my chosen nickname (or my name for that matter) meant something offensive in the culture I was living and working in I’d hope someone would let me know!

      Also, it’s a slur I heard growing up in Canada too, I might have a hard time using it myself. But maybe not, maybe I’d be able to compartmentalise it as his name. Idk, never been in that situation.

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    5. Lokifan*

      yeah – I think it’s still important to use the name people give you but I can understand that. I think the comparisons people are making with Bich, Dong etc aren’t really the same – a swearword’s different from a slur.

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  13. Properlike*

    #4 – thank you for asking this! I had the exact same problem you did; lots of “coaching” that I didn’t need, very little practical advice about what kinds of positions I could apply for. One Coach told me to go through websites and write down any job that sounded interesting to “get ideas.” I DID THAT ALREADY.

    More helpful was the commentariat here in reply to a former teacher with a similar question, and others. But I wish there were a resource for people who have skills, can do the job finding part, but have no idea what job their skills are suited for!

    Reply ↓
    1. bamcheeks*

      That is the process for getting to that point, though!

      I’m a qualified (albeit not currently registered) careers guidance practitioner in the UK. I can’t speak to the quality of the coaches you’ve worked with, but what you are asking for is what a lot of clients think careers practitioners do, but it isn’t our job, because it’s not possible. You can’t go, “you have XYZ skills — you should apply for ABC.” There are various online programmes that would do this, but they are only ever a starting point for discussion, research and exploration, because 99% of their suggestions are junk. The list the coach asked you to make was also a starting point: the next stage would be to starting analysing that list by looking for common themes, researching other jobs around those themes, networking in those areas and so on. That’s the process of finding new ideas, new roles, new potential matches and so on. There isn’t a shortcut to is, because vocational choice is never just about “skills -> job match”, but also about identity, aptitude, preferences, material needs, limitations, lifestyle and so on.

      This is why so many people have a story about, “I told my guidance counsellor I liked Z / was good at Y, and they suggested I consider [wearing clownshoes]!!”– because your idea of what it means to like Z, or to be good at Y is wildly different from what someone else means by it, and it’s qualified by a whole bunch of other stuff that you need or want in a job that seems obvious to you but which the guidance counsellor doesn’t know unless you tell them.

      If your coach didn’t articulate that process and the reasoning behind it better, that’s on them as the professional, of course! But if you were expecting them to give you a list of suitable jobs for your skills, they should probably have told you early on that that wasn’t a reasonable expectation.

      Reply ↓
      1. NforKnowledge*

        I appreciate your take on this as a guidance counselor, but I still feel that part of the counselor’s job IS to help the candidate make that initial list of potential jobs they might qualify for with their skills! Because they have some insight into different industries, the different kinds of jobs there are, and the jargon they use to describe the skills they want. And the candidate has none of that, just a wall of incomprehensibility that they are told to start finding meaning in. That is the task they need guidance to do!

        Reply ↓
        1. bamcheeks*

          I do agree, and it’s certainly the counsellor/coach’s job to explain what you should do next with that list! There are several different ways to generate that list, though, and IMO “jobs you might qualify for with your existing skills” is one of the worst. Most people either have a specific skill set that narrows the list down too quickly or a very broad and transferable one that leave the field open way too wide. Personally I always find it easier to start with a list of jobs people actually want to explore or a completely random list of jobs , ideally including jobs they would never serious consider, because talking about those things helps you identify people’s values, motivations, their broader interests and also their needs/limitations, and I find that a much better basis for generating a list of Actual Realistic Jobs Worth Researching than the other way around.

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      2. Agent Diane*

        I’d agree with this. I used a career coach to, well, coach me to work out what I wanted from the next stage of my working life.

        It would never have occurred to me to think they’d be like a dating service for specific roles. That’s for me to do with the insight the coaching gave me on what I wanted to do.

        Reply ↓
  14. Withheld*

    LW4: I am in a really similar position, and I feel you. I would have thought someone who helps you figure out your skills and how to position them (or transition them into a new career) would be a thing, but apparently not.

    All I have done is just looked at all the jobs in my area/salary range, and where I think I have relevant skills/experience, written a resume focusing on those skills and submitted it. Then I’ve had discussions with recruiters about what I need to change about my resume to make it a better fit. It’s actually been really useful, but it’s a bit more trial and error than I had hoped for.

    good luck!

    Reply ↓
  15. Chocolate Teapot*

    4. I have posted on here before about my career coach, who I have been working with for 20 years now. There are professional associations for coaches and also I would recommend looking at a coach’s background. Mine was previously a senior company executive so they had experience which was relevant to my situation.

    Reply ↓
  16. Songs*

    LW #4: I went through that too and it was frustrating. But after a few meetings and getting the song and dance of the career testing and passion discussions over with, the career coach did start sending me positions and talking more about practicalities with regards to applying. Although in the end, I wound up going back to school for one of the careers that had come up during our discussions and I’m now super happy in my new career. So if you’ve only just had one or two meetings, it could be worth sticking with it for a few more sessions (since you’ve already invested the time and money with this coach) and seeing if you can also get somewhere! Good luck with your job hunting.

    Reply ↓
    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      Yes, when I started working with my coach I purchased a block of sessions, the idea being that they would support me through the process of finding a new position. The first couple of sessions were of the identify your interests variety, but then we moved onto more practical topics.

      Reply ↓
  17. Bilateralrope*

    #2 That is such a messed up offer that I have to wonder if there is anything illegal going on. Maybe something the LW knows about, maybe something that will only become apparent when the right authority looks at it.

    If it was me, I’d be seriously considering sending the relevant authority a copy of the email. If I could do so without forwarding the email through the company email system.

    Reply ↓
    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Maybe I’d go to HR with a printout of the EM, to avoid a paper trail – but only if I were sure they would keep me out of it.
      However, I’d be dubious about trusting an org that didn’t immediately shut him down AND send out an EM stating say this was sent in error and of course no employee should apply :)

      Reply ↓
  18. Seal*

    #1 – Baby names go in and out of style all the time. Some are cyclical while others more or less disappear; for that matter, it’s not uncommon for names that were once considered to be gender-specific to become gender-neutral. As someone with an unusual first name myself, I’d be surprised if the candidate in question isn’t aware of the controversy surrounding their name. In some ways it’s no different someone whose name is an endearment like “Sweetie” or “Lovey” (I stumbled upon a Gilligan’s Island rerun this weekend) or someone whose hippie parents named them “Beanbag” (a real person!). It may feel a bit awkward at first, but ultimately their name is their name. Asking them to change it so you feel more comfortable is just plain rude.

    Reply ↓
    1. Richard Hershberger*

      No actual research, but my sense is that gender-neutral names as a common thing is pretty recent. There have always been a few, particularly in shortened forms such as “Pat,” but a full name like “Taylor,” which carries no gender coding whatsoever, was really rare until recently. More common was for a given name to start out male and then switch to female, what with no parents wanting their boy to have a girly name. Think “Kimberly” or “Leslie.” (Consider also the stereotype of “Francis” insisting on “Frank” due to the similarity with “Frances.”) Then there is “Madison,” which was a rare name but unambiguously coded male until the movie “Splash” came out in 1984, making it a common name strongly coded female (though with exceptions, most notably the baseball pitcher Madison Bumgarner, born 1989). The Taylor/Tyler combination have so far resisted this trend, which I take as a positive sign about humanity.

      Reply ↓
  19. Resentful Oreos*

    I once worked with a woman whose name (in an Asian Indian language) was very difficult for English speakers to pronounce correctly. Therefore, she insisted on going by “Tiny.” Hey, if that is what she preferred, she could be Tiny.

    I would say just call the candidate by their first name. *Maybe* if it’s a bad enough slur that it makes enough people uncomfortable, you *could* say something to her, but…it’s her name, and chances are it was her parents who named her that, and she probably knows exactly what it means. This is a far different case than the employee who insisted on being called “Wolfshadow” or something similar who wrote in a month or so ago. I presume “Wolfshadow” picked their own name, Unfortunately Named Candidate was named by parents.

    Reply ↓
  20. Rew123*

    I had a scout kids called Niga. It was a big awkward when you get the name list but all you got to do is accept it is their name. It became totally normal after few meetings.

    Reply ↓
  22. Never the Twain*

    ‘Pratt’ is not an uncommon surname in the UK.
    Some names don’t travel well – for example ‘Ruth’ (pronounced in most other countries as ‘Root’) means ‘ugly’ in Hungarian – ‘The Ugly Duckling’ translates as ‘A rút kiskacsa’.
    And even between two English-speaking cultures, I remember being incredulous that Mr and Mrs vanWarmer could be so cruel as to saddle their son with the first name ‘Randy’.

    Reply ↓
  23. VP of Monitoring Employees' LinkedIn Profiles*

    Re:#1…

    If someone legally changed their name to King Of Turd Mountain and wanted to be called that….

    Is anyone else suddenly recalling SNL’s “Jeopardy” skits with Turd Ferguson?

    Reply ↓
  24. LBD*

    As a comment to OP 4, I had to do a job search when my job history and skills are pretty scattered (I think my job history might give me a chance at an actual Llama Groomer position!). I started by looking for job postings that I thought might be a fit and made notes on what they asked for. Then, I searched through the online National Occupation Classification system. It might be called something else in your country.
    I started by making a full list of everything that might be required in the type of job I was looking for. I then made a list of everything that I knew, or had done, that fit each requirement. Then I grouped them (software, technical, people, etc), using various coloured highlighters and then pulled out the strongest. I used that info to make a resume with the categories: Key Areas of Experience, Skills, Work Experience, and Education.
    It has made resume writing merely annoying and not something that would send me into a paralytic fit of avoidance for weeks at a time.
    Good luck, I know how hard putting that document together can be, even when you have useful skills and are a valuable worker, like you.

    Reply ↓
  25. Susannah*

    LW won’t tell us the slur-name (which makes sense, if LW feels uncomfortable even addressing a job applicant by his/her name).
    But at the risk of sounding like I’m pro-slur (I’m not!), is it possible some of us are looking for reasons to be offended by words?
    I imagine, for example, the name LW is referring to is the same as the name of a musical starting with G. I have never understood that to be a “slur” – just outdated (and I lived and traveled in countries with this population). It’s not a word I use, but not because I understand it as an insult.
    I have a friend who sometimes used the word “Oriental.” There is nothing really insulting about that; it’s just not a word we tend to use anyone (said friend is not a native English speaker, and in his language, “Oriental” is closer to the word used to describe Asians).
    Sometimes words are re-thought, and we stop using them (hopefully). I’m personally glad the sports teams “Redskins” and “Indians” changed their names. But I also don’t think the original intention, when the teams were named, was to insult native Americans.
    Honestly, I have a hard time using the term “queer,” which has been reclaimed by LGBT folks, because when I was a kid, it very much WAS a slur – and *intended* to be one.
    At any rate, the irony of possibly denying someone a job because you don’t like his or her name – and then justifying it by suggesting the person’s very identity is offensive – is overwhelming.

    Reply ↓
    1. Guina*

      The fact that you do not understand that it is a slur does not change the fact that it is indeed a slur. Your failure to be educated, aware and empathetic on this issue does not mean that people are “looking for reasons to be offended”. It merely means that you are ignorant.

      That is, fortunately, a problem you can do something about. The author Seanan McGuire has posted eloquently and from personal experience on the issue on her social media, if you need a starting point to educate yourself.

      Reply ↓
  26. Richard Hershberger*

    Plantar fasciitis and twelve hours days on your feet? Yikes! That is beyond grueling, into debilitating. Also, unreasonable. Does the company know about this? At the risk of offering unwanted medical advice, I will note that I have had very good results with cortisone shots, and better shoes of course. If you are a few weeks out from this torture session, there is still time.

    Reply ↓
  28. Redaktorin*

    OP1, I was named after a U.S. suffragette who reacted to Black men getting the vote before White women by having a bit of a racist meltdown. I found out in my twenties, assumed my mother didn’t know what she’d done, and tried to tell her that she’d named me after a famous racist…

    JK, turns out she knew all along and didn’t understand why I was making “such a big deal” out of it!

    For the next decade or so, I wondered if every single coworker and date I introduced myself to could tell my mother was a bad person. I also was scared to change the name because it would mean offending my family while they paid for my disabled kid’s very expensive care. Fun times. I’m only in the process of fixing this mess within the past few months, as my daughter has made enough progress to go to a mainstream classroom in a public school.

    Anyway, I’d feel extremely awkward in your shoes, but I do think you have to say this person’s given name with a straight face at work. Just keep in mind that they may very well know and already be on a path to changing it.

    Reply ↓
  29. Texas Teacher*

    Generative AI (chatGPT, Claude) is really good at identifying jobs based on your skills. You obviously have to use your own background and experience on top of it, but it’s a great starting point.

    You can pop in your resume and use a prompt like: Act as a career coach. Based on this resume, what jobs am I qualified for?

    After it populates the first response, you can ask it to find you current listings for those jobs in your area.

    Reply ↓
  30. I can see you*

    “but I don’t want to lie.”

    You also don’t need to blab everything about your personal health history to everyone all the time—especially at work. If this is the type of office environment where saying that you’re flying out earlier to meet someone is the more acceptable solution, then there’s your answer, fishbulb*
    And before everyone jumps in all “but what if OP’s coworkers expect a full dossier on their friend and the visit and want to meet the friend—“
    That’s not going to happen. Just say “friend is great!” And then pivot the conversation to whatever boring reason you’re all out at that conference to begin with. Duh.

    *obscure simpsons joke

    Reply ↓
  31. A Librarian*

    LW 4…If you went to college, perhaps try your alma mater’s career office. Many offer services, for free, to alumni. I was recently struggling with a job search and was able to meet with someone to go over my resume and how to improve it (I hadn’t redone it in almost 20 years) and then work on targeted job searches.

    Reply ↓
  32. Tuesday Tacos*

    LW4- make up a good resume, or have someone help you with that. Then start networking. Find groups in your area that meet about business or are with certain groups (think- all women networking, or pet industry networking etc). then just get to know people. Every job I’ve ever had I got through networking.

    Reply ↓

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