my coworker accused of me of deliberately snoring to keep him awake on a work trip

by Alison Green on January 21, 2025

A reader writes:

I went on a work trip and thought it went well. On the last day, I woke up to hear my senior teammate bashing me. We shared a wall, and it was paper-thin. I snore, and it’s something I’m embarrassed by, but there’s nothing I can do to control it. My teammate said he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep for the whole trip and accused me of doing it on purpose so I could transfer off the team. I don’t know where that came from — I’ve never indicated I wanted to leave. He also called me weird and nasty.

I was shocked. Up until that point, he had been pleasant, engaging, and polite.

My concern isn’t with him; it’s with his influence on the team and senior leaders. I love my job. It’s complex, fast-paced, and I’m always learning something new. It feels like my sweet spot. But he has a lot of influence and more time in the company than I do, and I’m worried I’ll be blackballed or not invited on any more work trips.

This incident feels like the culmination of some insecurities I’ve been feeling. My personality doesn’t seem to be landing with the group. I’ve tried to make headway socially, but it feels like I’m hitting a wall. I also worry that certain things are being viewed in a bad light. For instance, I have a sensitive stomach that’s affected by stress and changes in schedule, so I didn’t hang out with the team every night — only two out of the four. This is new territory for me because, at my other jobs, it wasn’t expected. Everyone just did their own thing. But given my teammate’s strong reaction, I’m starting to think this may have added fuel to the fire.

I’m bummed. I love the job and the team, but I don’t see a way forward. I strongly believe I’ll be forced out or iced out.

Do you have any advice on how to interact with my teammate? We work together on a lot of programs, so I can’t avoid him. Usually, I don’t sit at tables where I’m the next topic when I get up, but in this case, it feels unavoidable.

FYI, I am not having any performance issues, which may be the only thing that saves me.

Well, wait — you’re giving way too much power to someone who sounds like an awful person.

The idea that a colleague would intentionally snore loudly as some sort of plot to be able to transfer off the team is Incredibly Weird. It’s really unlikely that other people would hear what he said and think, “Wow, Snorer is a real jerk to do that.” They’re far more likely to think, “WTF? No one snores as a strategy to bother someone in a neighboring room; what a bizarre thing to say.”

Truly, any sane person who heard your coworker accuse you of that is thinking there’s something wrong with him, not with you. Or, in the most generous reading, that he was just cranky after not sleeping well and was lashing out unreasonably. No one is going to think you were strategically snoring as an act of anti-social aggression.

I suspect you’re giving this so much weight because of the rest of the situation — that you feel you’re having trouble meshing with the group. But even there, it’s worth questioning what you’re basing that on. Did anyone actually respond poorly to you for only hanging out two nights out of the four (which was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, by the way)? Or are you feeling anxious about the situation in general and assuming that may have been one more way you aren’t fitting in with them?

It’s definitely possible that you’re not clicking well with the group. That’s really common! But it doesn’t usually mean the person who’s not fitting in gets pushed off the team. It just means things aren’t as socially comfortable — which isn’t ideal, but is a world away from being iced out or losing your job.

It’s possible there’s more going on that didn’t make it into your letter —  concrete signs that things aren’t going well in a way that could jeopardize your job. But it’s also possible that this is all an anxiety reaction — that your brain is catastrophizing in a way that doesn’t reflect anything that’s likely to happen.

Would you feel comfortable talking to your boss about how things are going overall? That will give you more data to put all of this in context — and you might hear that as far as your boss is concerned, everything is fine. As part of that conversation, you could also say that you’re not sure you’re meshing well with the group and ask if she has advice on that — but whether that’s useful to do will depend on your relationship with her and your sense of how skilled she is on picking up on things like that.

I’d also seriously consider talking to the coworker whose unkind remark you overheard. There’s no reason you can’t say to him, “I overheard you say my snoring kept you up, and I’m horrified — I had no idea that would be an issue, and I feel awful that you didn’t sleep well. For future work trips I’ll plan to ask for a room further away from the rest of the group so that doesn’t happen again.” Maybe that will jog him into realizing he was being a jerk, but if nothing else it’ll at least get you on the record as Not Snoring At Him … and also as someone who handles issues professionally and maturely, unlike what he’s chosen to do.

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{ 187 comments }

{ 187 comments… read them below or add one }

      1. Phony Genius*

        I suppose a well-placed nose clip could be used to restrict the air flow in some fashion that causes snoring. But that would be very uncomfortable and make it hard to breathe.

        More likely, since there are anti-snoring treatments that work on some people (such as Breath-Right strips), this person might (wrongly) think that all snoring is controllable, so it must be a deliberate act not to use any of those treatments.

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        2. Dog momma*

          They work, but on occasion they dont. When I was REALLY tired and slept hard, they didn’t. I have a deviated septum and probably broke my nose at least once as a kid. So I’m a mouth breather besides that + having seasonal allergies. I’m on meds lol

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      2. Heidi*

        I’m also having trouble understanding how the snoring would lead to the OP getting transferred off the team. Has anyone pieced that together?

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      This is the inherent problem with the dastardly plan to keep someone awake when you work the same hours: You have to stay awake too.

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      1. So Tired*

        Maybe? But that poses more of a risk to the person with sleep apnea since there’s a chance they’d stop breathing at night without it! So not a great way to enact a dastardly plot against a coworker.

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      2. dulcinea47*

        As someone who uses a CPAP, I still can’t control whether I’m snoring or not. Not everyone with apnea has a history of incredibly loud snoring.

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        1. Observer*

          This is true. But also, the CPAP can be *noisy*. Yes, I’ve heard all the claims that they don’t make noise. And that’s not necessarily true.

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            1. Evan Þ*

              Yes, my mom recently got a CPAP too. She’s had a lot of problems with it (until she finally found a mask that works for her), but the noise wasn’t one – it’s amazingly quiet!

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            2. Observer*

              I have a reasonably new model. And how noisy it is depends on a lot of factors – most of which are out of my control once I’m asleep.

              Also, different models have different sound profiles, and not everyone has the choice to get the quietest one.

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          2. Freya*

            I made my mum get tested for sleep apnea after we shared a hotel room and her snoring had got immeasurably worse since the previous shared hotel room. She now has a CPAP, and while it does make a noise that I can hear from the next room in my house with brick internal walls, it’s quieter than the snoring was, and much closer to white noise because it’s constant.

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    4. A. Lab Rabbit*

      There are things you can do to prevent snoring in some cases. When I saw the headline, I thought maybe it was just a matter of LW forgetting to wear a medical device that prevented it (since it’s a work trip, it’s something you could forget to pack), and coworker was miffed by that. (But again, “forgot to pack” is not equal to “did this on purpose”.)

      But then I read the entire letter, and whoa! Coworker sounds like an awful person. Even if the above is true, coworker really overreacted.

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    5. Morning Reader*

      Oh simple, you bring little speakers and set them close by the wall, and play a recording of snores all night. Then, you have an alibi when you slip out to do murder in the middle of the night. – signed, reads too many mystery novels

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      3. amoeba*

        Hah, yeah, I mean, I guess there’s a number of ways one could *fake* the snoring, but… would that really be the most efficient way to get transferred off a team?

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      4. Not very creative*

        You don’t want the electricity to go out though or that could be a problem. I spent years dispatching on the night shift planning the perfect murder! Like, no alibi is sometimes better…

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      1. Observer*

        Deliberately fall asleep on your back rather than in a position less conducive to snoring?

        Yeah, it doesn’t really work that way. People who snore really loudly tend to snore in other positions too. Someone with that much of a problem is not going to be able to substantially mitigate it by changing their sleep position.

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  2. Ex-Prof*

    “Well, wait — you’re giving way too much power to someone who sounds like an awful person.”

    Truth. Off to embroider that on a pillow.

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    1. I'm right on top of that Rose!*

      I’d recommend shorting it to “don’t give awful people power over you” or “you’re giving awful people too much power over you” …It will be easier to embroider

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      2. Armchair analyst*

        I like the “wait, wait…”
        It acknowledges that sometimes for whatever reason your mind goes there, anyway, but that your same mind can stop it from getting worse and yes, prevent it in the first place… but sometimes it happens

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      3. Llama Lover*

        In These Trying Times(TM), are you really going to tell someone to stab something FEWER times?! I need all the embroidery I can get right now!

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        2. Jam on Toast*

          But according to every cozy mystery I’ve ever read, murders are regularly committed with skeins of yarn, knitting needles, crochet hooks, rotary cutters and even embroidery scissors. So serious crafters may in fact not be PREVENTING murders by knitting/crocheting/embroidering, but rather honing their skills, thus enabling them to commit MORE murders.

          Interrupt the focused crafter at your peril!

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          2. Another Kristin*

            You would have to be really dedicated to murder someone with embroidery scissors! How did they do it, stab the guy in the temple?

            (signed, I do too many crafts and read too many mystery novels)

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          3. Jojo*

            Now I have a new security plan. If I hear someone break into my house, it’s off to my sewing room to grab the rotary cutter! (in reality, the thief would probably run off when they heard me throwing things around my sewing room yelling about where the hell my rotary cutter is.)

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          4. MigraineMonth*

            I still remember the short story I read for HS English where a man was choked to death in bed and his wife claimed she slept right through it. The police arrested her, but allowed some of her friends to bring her knitting project to jail for something to do while they investigated.

            The police never did find the murder weapon that had been used as the garotte!

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              1. Love me, love my cat*

                No, it was a leg of lamb. :) Ok, not quite logical in this instance, but I couldn’t stop myself.

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    1. Presea*

      Yeah, there are a lot of potential options in a situation like this, like ear plugs/headphones, white noise, actual communication with the person snoring… we can’t know the full situation, maybe none of this would have worked for whatever reason, but if my co-worker started earnestly accusing our teammate of Snoring At Him, I would certainly wonder why these solutions weren’t used and why the co-worker has taken such an antagonistic stance about a common bodily function.

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Yeah, one of the many frustrating things about co-worker is that this is classic “Say NOTHING when the problem could readily be fixed, and then launch into the martyr thing when it’s impossible to change anything.”

      Reply ↓
      2. HonorBox*

        Yeah, if it is one night and the coworker is complaining, that’s one thing. But if it is multiple nights in a row and they’ve neither addressed it with the OP, or requested a room change, that’s irritating. You had the power to attempt to make a change, yet sat on your hands and did nothing. I don’t give this person’s opinion any weight or respect.

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    3. Resident Catholicville, U.S.A.*

      Or, the coworker could have decided that this was an annoyance that would have a time limit (four days) and just be glad when it was over and done with. Any sane person wouldn’t assume that a coworker was purposely snoring loudly (which the only way that could happen is if the snorer stayed awake and made obnoxious snoring noises and that seems highly unlikely).

      I rarely sleep well when I’m not in my own bed, so maybe this person is the same way and was extra irritable. That still wouldn’t excuse it- but it might be an explanation.

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    4. JSPA*

      My fan fic take is that coworker was in another room, didn’t get much sleep, and is deflecting any resulting performance issues (or someone-saw-you-in-the-hall-at-4-am questions) by pointing at how he heard snoring all night.

      I mean, we know he’s some sort of jerk. We just don’t know the exact flavor.

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    5. Ally McBeal*

      Or open their music-streaming app and pick any of the tens (hundreds?) of 8-hour-long white noise tracks. My mother doesn’t leave home for even a single night without her sound machine.

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      1. Freya*

        I have a brown noise playlist on Spotify (with settings set to “don’t use my usage of this as a signifier about my music taste”) because it’s like white noise but it changes more, so I don’t get that irritated-bored feeling that wakes me up when I’m trying to sleep.

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  4. Sleeps with a snorkel*

    OP: This is not medical advice but if you are snoring loud enough to wake someone in another room you should get a sleep study done. You may have sleep apnea like I do. I was keeping my wife awake at night enough she move to the couch. Having a CPAP made a huge difference in my sleeping habits and ability to stay awake in long boring meetings at work too.

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    1. bunniferous*

      THIS.
      My husband has sleep apnea and his snoring before his diagnosis could wake the dead.

      (I’m scheduled for my own sleep study -this is a condition that is nothing to play with. It has the potential to wreck your health. GET CHECKED.)

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      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        It doesn’t just have the potential to wreck your health — a friend’s sibling actually died from their sleep apnea. It’s not super common, but it happens, especially if it remains undiagnosed.

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        1. Serious Sillyputty*

          Yeah. I’d never heard of sleep apnea when a friend’s dad died from it… we were in high school, so dad couldn’t have been THAT old. (Probably around my age, now that I think of it.)

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    3. Crencestre*

      I second that! Snoring can indeed be a symptom of sleep apnea, which can be very dangerous if left untreated. You may be both snoring and gasping for air in your sleep; this is almost never recognized by the person doing it because, after all, you’re not awake so you CAN’T perceive it! But it CAN be treated successfully, so please contact a sleep specialist and see about a sleep study – for your own sake.

      And if your colleagues have any sense at all, they’re recognize that accusing someone of DELIBERATELY snoring is full-0n bananapants bonkers (as well as being physically impossible!)

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    4. Moo*

      I was just coming here to suggest this! I wish my husband would do a sleep study, I did one and now sleep with a CPAP and while I’m still exhausted (thanks parenthood lol), I know I’m sleeping more hours every night and not choking or snoring anymore.

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    5. iglwif*

      +1 absolutely get this checked out — not because of your jerkface coworker, who is just a jerkface, but for the sake of your own health.

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    6. A Simple Narwhal*

      Yes, and I just wanted to add that some sleep studies can be done in your own home! I always thought a sleep study required going into a medical facility and sleeping there, but apparently not, they just give you some sensors to wear to bed.

      It of course depends on the person and their individual needs, but if being away from home would be burdensome and that’s holding you back from pursuing one, there’s a chance you can just do it at home.

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      1. Aggretsuko*

        It’s pretty difficult for insurance to even let you do a medical facility sleep-in, per a friend of mine’s apnea drama. Now they send you home, you drive in the machine the next morning, done.

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        1. Armchair analyst*

          My at-home sleep study was basically a disposable smart watch – I just had to upload data and throw away the device at home. This was in 2022

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        2. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

          It depends – my wife did a two-day in-home study, but the results were inconclusive so she had to go onsite for a followup. (They prefer in-home both for cost and quality – results are more reliable when people sleep in their normal environment!)

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    7. Statler von Waldorf*

      I was told that the heart attack I had about five years ago was directly related to the fact that I had been dealing with undiagnosed sleep apnea for many years. I’m lucky to be alive, and CPAP therapy changed my life for the better in multiple ways. My sleep study was easy, just sleeping with a sensor on my finger. I strongly second getting one, especially if you have any of the other symptoms of sleep apnea.

      That said, just because someone snores doesn’t mean they have sleep apnea. There’s definitely overlap on that Venn diagram, but it’s not a circle. My dad’s snoring can wake the dead, and he had a sleep study done after both my brother and I were diagnosed with sleep apnea and he didn’t have it. He just snores really loudly.

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      1. M*

        Yeah, this. My partner, when he snores, sounds like a full on chainsaw – complete with a total lack of the stuttering pauses and breaks that define sleep apnea. Sometimes, people are just loud sleepers.

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    8. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      I think we should assume that the OP knows the best. After all they say that there is nothing to do about the snoring. So they probably have done all the sleep studies, etc.

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      2. amoeba*

        Also, if the walls were really paper-thin (as in, LW could understand every word of co-workers conversation), I guess the snoring doesn’t have to be that bad to be heard through them!

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        1. Ann O'Nemity*

          This is where I land too. If you can clearly hear your neighbor’s conversations, the hotel hasn’t invested in the bare minimum of sound proofing.

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          1. My User Name Was Compromised*

            I stayed in a hotel like this at the last conference I attended. I think it was exacerbated by a connecting door between rooms. I could hear the person next to me clear as day when he was on the phone speaking in a very normal voice as well as his TV. Depending on the placement of the bed, a moderately loud snore would have been completely audible.

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            1. MigraineMonth*

              Oh man, I had a connecting door (locked) to a room where a couple was celebrating their honeymoon, and you could hear everything.

              Where by “everything” I mean the all of their arguments. I really don’t think those two should have gotten married.

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      3. Observer*

        After all they say that there is nothing to do about the snoring. So they probably have done all the sleep studies, etc.

        In my experience, quite probably not. Of course, I am positive that the LW doesn’t have anything that they can do, and they may have even been told that there is actually nothing that can be done. But that doesn’t mean that the advice was actually based appropriate medical reality.

        For one thing, depending on things like the LW’s gender and weight, they may not get the testing and / or treatment they need.

        There are doctors who simply won’t treat overweight people with sleep apnea because “all you need” is to lose weight. Never mind that in the mean time, there is a real problem going on. And if it’s sleep apnea, that can actually get in the way of losing weight.

        Also, a lot of times doctors are simply not aware of some of the causes of sleep apnea and sometimes people don’t tell the doctor who could do the correct tests because they don’t realize that it’s relevant. We didn’t know that GERD could cause snoring, so we never told my husband’s GI about it.

        In regards to the issue at hand, it does not matter. The LW was absolutely not snoring *at* the coworker, and CW was being, at best, an utter idiot because they were tired and not thinking. But in regards to the LW’s overall health, I would say that I’ve seen too many people whose snoring was not appropriately followed up on by doctors. So if the LW has not checked these things out, it would be good idea to push for that.

        And for anyone else reading this: If you snore, please check it out if you have not done so yet. Don’t let your doctor just blow you off as no big deal. Because sometimes it *is*. And you won’t know till you check it out.

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    9. WhoKnows*

      Cosigning this as well! I live alone and was not in a relationship and had no idea I snored so loudly until I literally WOKE MYSELF UP WITH MY OWN LOUD SNORING. Then I recorded it on an app overnight and it was horrific. I got a sleep study done and now use a CPAP and no more snoring! Takes a minute to get used to and is something that is slightly embarrassing in and of itself (you look a little bit like an alien elephant wearing it) but extremely worth it for sleep quality – bonus side effect for me was the humidification in the machine has made my incidence of nosebleeds in winter go wayyyy down.

      Reply ↓
      1. Statler von Waldorf*

        (you look a little bit like an alien elephant wearing it)

        You’re not wrong. My kids actually got me a CPAP mask cover that looks like a facehugger from the Alien movies for Christmas this year. I love it.

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      2. Freya*

        I’ve enjoyed one of the local drag performers doing a performance with their CPAP mask thingy to the tune of ‘Baby Elephant Walk’

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    10. Observer*

      you should get a sleep study done.

      If you have done so and there is nothing there, make sure you get a fuller study done, because while the home studies are good, they do occasionally miss. And if that turns out to be ok, please do follow up. There are a number of other medical conditions – that should be treated – that can lead to snoring. And it’s not always obvious. Like, GERD can cause snoring. That was a shock to me when I found out, but it really made a difference.

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    11. PostalMixup*

      There’s also a pillow insert that inflates when the microphone picks up the sound of snoring. It gently elevates the snorer’s head and helps open up their airways. My spouse didn’t *quite* meet the diagnostic criteria for sleep apnea, but this thing has been a game changer. He travels with it everywhere. So even if OP doesn’t qualify for CPAP (or can’t tolerate it), this could be an option.

      Reply ↓
      1. Texan in exile on her phone*

        OMG where do I buy this miraculous device?

        Signed,

        Person Who Has To Nudge Her Husband To Roll Over When His Snoring Wakes Her Up After She FINALLY Fell Asleep

        Reply ↓
        1. PostalMixup*

          The one we have is called Nora. Full disclosure, it’s EXPENSIVE. Like, more than I remember. But ours is still going strong after 18+ months, so it works out to less than $1 per night? But the website says it’s FSA/HSA eligible and currently on (slight) sale, so there’s that. It truly has been miraculous for us. No more moving to the couch!

          Reply ↓
      2. Insulindian Phasmid*

        Oooh…that’s worth looking into. I’ve developed snoring with some weight gain in the last few years but I roll around all night like a gas station hot dog so I can’t imagine hooking something up to my face without strangling myself.

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        1. Observer*

          but I roll around all night like a gas station hot dog

          The face mask I have is actually kind of weird – but what I really like about it is that it’s actually designed to make it easier to roll around. It was the third mask I tried. I still don’t like it, but it’s SO much better than the other ones.

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    12. Arts Akimbo*

      Argh. I agree with this advice so much, but it’s frustrating for me to see because I am positive I have sleep apnea, but even with health insurance I cannot afford the sleep study that will get me the CPAP machine. I feel like my poverty is literally killing me.

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    13. umami*

      My husband actually was told of his loud snoring when he was on a work trip! This was higher ed, so he was sharing a room with a colleague who would freak out because he would stop breathing at night and then suddenly gasp very loudly and start breathing again. He didn’t do anything about it, though, until we started dating, and I was like … ‘DUDE, WTF? You need to go to a doctor!’ He did a sleep study, got a CPAP, and the rest is history.

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  5. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    You it’s petty coming from me, but an appropriately timed comment to coworker, “that hotel, man. Those walls were so thin, you can hear all your neighbors.”

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    1. MassMatt*

      I’m shocked the walls were so thin that someone could hear snoring in a neighboring room. That’s either a really cheap hotel, VERY loud snoring, or a very light sleeper, or some combo of the three.

      That he jumped immediately to accusing LW of doing it deliberately is both very weird and a real jerk move.

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      2. iglwif*

        It’s not always about the thickness/thinness of the walls. Often neighbouring hotel rooms are mirror images of each other, which means the beds are both against the same wall. Sounds can also carry through ventilation systems.

        The really surprising thing to me is that the coworker didn’t simply ask the front desk for a room switch after the first night! My child was recently staying in a hotel room next door to a hen party, and when they were still partying hard at 10pm she asked very politely and they moved her to a different room. Obviously this only works if there’s capacity, but it’s weird not to even ASK.

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        1. HonorBox*

          Or even to just say something to OP. “Hey, this is kind of embarrassing for me to bring up, but your snoring was really loud. I don’t know that there’s an easy fix, but just wanted to say something…”

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      3. Ann O'Nemity*

        The LW also noted that they woke up to hear the coworker complaining about their snoring. If you can hear conversations that clearly through the wall, the problem is the wall!

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        1. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

          Pretty much everyone in my family snores to a greater or lesser extent (I did the at home testing and it isn’t apnea in my case). In college, my sister had a roommate who had a mid-semester conversion to a more extreme religion (she ended up failing because she would pray to pass tests rather than, you know, study). One night, my sister woke herself up snoring and then heard her roommate say “Thank you, Jesus” over and over.

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      4. ThatGirl*

        I once had a room where I could hear someone snoring nearby – it was a Marriott, not some cheap roadside place. Couldn’t figure out what room it was coming from but once I stopped worrying that someone was IN the room with me I went back to sleep and it wasn’t a big problem.

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        1. My User Name Was Compromised*

          I’ve stayed in multiple Westins that had very thin walls and/or connecting doors that caused sound to travel. When staying at a W in a major city, someone complained about our TV being on at night when it was at a pretty low volume and not a “loud” show (only dialog, no explosions, etc.). Some buildings are just not engineered with that in mind – surprising for hotels, but definitely true.

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    2. Dr. Rebecca*

      I would one hundred percent be that petty, while coldly looking them directly in the eye, not a hint of a smile.

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  6. L-squared*

    Look, while I think saying you intentionally snored is ridiculous, I also think talking to him about what you heard through a wall is NOT going to come off well.

    This wasn’t like he sent a slack message accidentally to the wrong person that you saw. This is him having a, presumably, private conversation that you are essentially acknowledging you were eavesdropping on. If you thought you were on the outs before, this would definitely put you there for me.

    I’d think a person saying someone snored on purpose was being ridiculous. If they told me that another teammate confronted them because they overheard a phone call they were on, I’d think far worse of that teammate.

    I feel like when there are thin walls, there is sort of an unspoken thing where you pretend you don’t hear stuff unless its a true disturbance.

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    1. Observer*

      This is him having a, presumably, private conversation that you are essentially acknowledging you were eavesdropping on

      The LW was not “eavesdropping”, and mentioning that they heard their CW is not “admitting” to that. And if the CW could hear the LW snoring, why would he think that his conversation is THAT private.

      there is sort of an unspoken thing where you pretend you don’t hear stuff unless its a true disturbance

      To the extent that exists, the CW was the one who violated it. Because along with the pretense is a understanding that you are careful what you say in situations like that.

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    2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Nah, if the coworker is griping to someone about what THEY heard through the wall, it’s fine to let them know that it works both ways and their conversation can be heard.

      Reply ↓
  7. LinesInTheSand*

    OP, the things I say in the privacy of my hotel room when sleep deprived for multiple days in a row do not reflect my personal views or the way I want to treat people.

    I know it was all horrifying to hear, but paradoxically you may find some peace by giving this guy some grace. If you’d lost sleep for days in a row, you might say some things you’re not proud of.

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    1. Zona the Great*

      I did not think of this. How exactly was this message delivered? Right into the OPs face? If so, there is no grace to give. If he was overheard ranting in his own room through the paper thin walls, I’d also assume he was at his wits end. I suffered insomnia for 5 years and I was feral. There’s no telling what I could say to myself in those days.

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      1. MassMatt*

        This is a kind take on it, but why didn’t the coworker either mention it to the LW or ask to change rooms? There were many possible solutions here, but it seems the coworker went immediately to lashing out at the LW after the fact.

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        1. So Tired*

          It does seem that way! But also remember that we’re only hearing from LW’s perspective. Perhaps coworker did try to change rooms, and the hotel was full so it wasn’t an option. And, personally, I’ve been taught not to mention things to someone that they can’t immediately fix–loud snoring would fall into that category and unless I was really friendly with the person, I wouldn’t think of saying anything to them because snoring isn’t something that a person can just fix in a few minutes. (Realistically the only person I’d ever dream of saying something to about that is my dad since we have a joke that his CPAP machine is loud, but his snoring is worse!) And as others have pointed out, it doesn’t sound like the coworker vented within typical earshot of LW. Perhaps they were on the phone with their spouse back home and allowed their frustration at poor sleep to come out with a person they trust. That would actually be preferable to them confronting LW about something they can’t fix! Better to get the frustration out elsewhere, it’s just unfortunate that LW overheard because the walls were thin.

          LW, I’d like to reiterate what Allison said. If your coworker does try to badmouth you and your snoring to others, they’re likely to think your coworker is being weird, not that you were maliciously snoring! Speaking to your boss can be a great way to get some feedback on the social aspect of your work, since you said the actual work product is good and you’re not having performance issues. And as others have mentioned, if you find that you are snoring exceptionally loudly, please consider a sleep study to make sure it’s not sleep apnea!

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        2. Ace in the Hole*

          Why would he mention it to LW? It’s unreasonable to think she could do anything about it, so bringing it up would have not purpose except making her feel bad.

          As far as other solutions… we have no idea what the coworker did or didn’t try. For all we know, he did ask to switch rooms and was told there were none available. Or he just didn’t think about it at the time, or thought it wasn’t going to be as much of a problem as it turned out to be, etc.

          It’s also not clear from the letter – and LW may or may not know – who exactly he was speaking to. For example, he could’ve been on a phone call with his spouse to vent. Which is a perfectly reasonable, harmless way to handle an unreasonable frustration, and he might be mortified to realize she overheard the comments. While that would be no less upsetting for LW, I wouldn’t call it “lashing out” at her. On the other hand, if he was saying these things to someone she knows professionally, or saying them with the intention of being overheard, that would be inappropriate.

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      2. Ann O'Nemity*

        The kindest explanation is that the coworker was just venting, like on a phone call to their spouse. Exhausted, irrational, thoughtless. Maybe even embellishing a little to be funny. “I didn’t get any sleep last night! My coworker next door snores like a chainsaw. I think they’re doing it on purpose! … I don’t know, maybe they want to switch teams. They’ve been weird and aloof all week. I can’t wait to get home, it’s so nasty here.”

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      3. rebelwithmouseyhair*

        OP overheard it through the paper-thin wall! They had just woken up, we don’t know that the other guy even realised OP had woken up, and we also don’t know if anyone was even listening to him.

        I might say all sorts of uncharitable things out loud by myself, exorcising the nasty intrusive thoughts as it were, getting them out of my system, and would be horrified if someone overheard.
        Although of course he did know the walls were paper-thin…

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      4. StarTrek Nutcase*

        1000x this. The coworker, following days of bad sleep, made shitty comments which she may or may not have or should have known would be overheard. LW’s anxiety over not fitting in is making it about LW when it’s more likely about coworker. Most of us think we’re the MC when in fact we are only to ourselves.

        For decades, I (& I’m sure others) thought I was just a bitch by nature and especially throughout the morning. Then my chronic migraines were controlled and I was less bitchy. And once I learned how to mostly manage my chronic insomnia, even less. Like most, I was ignorant to just how much physical conditions can unconsciously affect us.

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    2. HonorBox*

      Yes. But.

      I’ll give you the following: I’m sleep deprived because the room next to me was up partying for a good part of the night. I say something to my wife about their noise when we wake up the next morning. The next room overhears. That’s a private conversation, and they don’t necessarily have the right to be upset.

      But in this case, the coworker is a) well aware that the walls are thin as they’re having the conversation. b) had ample opportunity – MULTIPLE DAYS – to address it with either OP or with the hotel. c) is not just upset because OP has the TV volume a little too loud. They’re suggesting that OP snored on purpose for multiple nights in a row to get something out of it.

      If it is a one-off and coworker was complaining about OP’s snoring and OP overheard, I’d give them some grace while being simultaneously embarrassed. But the coworker had so much agency to at least attempt to make an adjustment.

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    3. Education Mic*

      This is a crappy excuse. “Don’t talk sh*t about people who are highly likely to be in the same building/hallway/room next door” is basic common sense and manners. Most high schoolers could tell you that. And he’s complaining about being able to hear OP through the wall. This is in no way ok or understandable. I don’t care if he was tiered.

      I’m a bad sleeper. As a grown up, I know it’s my job to manager my sleep issues. If I have to stay in a hotel, I bring ear plugs, have a white noise app on my phone/a speaker if possible, and sleep headphones for worst case scenarios. The answer is never have a tantrum and loudly complain about someone in the next room for something they can’t control.

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      1. LinesInTheSand*

        Miss Manners is a big fan of tactical selective deafness. There are things that we hear that we are not meant to hear. When this happens, manners dictate we act as if we have not heard them. The canonical example is thin bathroom walls within earshot of a dinner party.

        Things said (like complaining about someone’s snoring) and done (snoring) in private hotel rooms also fall under this umbrella. I don’t think it’s at all reasonable for people to expect coworker to say something to OP about snoring. It’s a medical issue, it’s not fit for coworker discussion. The coworker has a reasonable expectation of privacy in their own room and OP would do well to act as if that that privacy exists.

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    4. FanciestCat*

      Yeah, the way it’s worded is a little confusing but I think when they say “I woke up to my senior teammate thrashing me”, I think that means they heard them through the wall? And if that’s the case, I think you’re right that what the coworkwr said in a frustrated, sleep deprived moment might not be indicative of how they feel the rest of the time. If I was OP, I’d give it time to see if coworker treats them any differently and if not I’d let it go. If they’re being iced out in other ways tho, that’s the larger issue.

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      1. FanciestCat*

        Of course if OP thinks the coworker was purposely talking loudly so they could hear through the wall, that’s different.

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    5. learnedthehardway*

      That’s a very nice interpretation, but honestly, the coworker should be giving the OP some grace, as well.

      The complaint that the OP PURPOSELY snored so loudly that they kept someone in another room awake is completely unreasonable and irrational. I mean, a) the person was asleep and incapable of conscious thought. b) the idea that they would stay awake to make a massive amount of noise in order to disturb someone else’s sleep is just bizarre.

      It would be one thing if the OP was a known CPAP user and didn’t bring their machine with them, but even then, the rational / reasonable response would be “I could hear you and would really appreciate if you would bring your CPAP machine in future”, rather than being unhinged about attributing blame about it.

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      1. LinesInTheSand*

        “the coworker should be giving the OP some grace, as well.”

        They did give OP grace. They didn’t have some sort of awkward conversation with OP about a medical issue that’s none of their business. As far as I know from what’s in this letter, coworker had one conversation in the privacy of their own room and it hasn’t been brought up with OP or any colleagues. The fact that it wasn’t actually as private as they hoped is unfortunate. But unless I’m misreading, I see no evidence that it went beyond that. It is unreasonable to apply a public standard of conduct to private behavior and I’m concerned by how many people in this thread seem to want to claim otherwise.

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      2. Roland*

        “coworker should be giving the OP some grace, as well.”

        But he did. He actually didn’t try to make it OP’s problem at all. He just misjudged his volume on one private call. OP heard him speak without having any idea of how the convo started. Like, he could he been doing a sarcastic bit with a friend over the phone who would know that he obviously doesn’t mean it. I don’t mean to jump through hoops to say there’s no way he’s an ass, but I think it’s just as likely that he isn’t (in this one situation).

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      3. Joron Twiner*

        There are (at least) two equally plausible scenarios with wildly different results here.

        Coworker could have been complaining loudly to another coworker about OP, and genuinely believe that OP was snoring loudly on purpose. In this case, Coworker is intentionally trying to ruin OP and is a huge jerk.

        Coworker could have been complaining to their spouse about how OP’s snoring kept them up all night. “The snoring would die down, and just as I started to drift off, the snoring got louder again! It’s like OP was snoring at me on purpose! And the sound was so weird and nasty, you know how much I hate snoring!” In this case, coworker is frustrated and sleep deprived, and probably not trying to ice out OP at work.

        I am inclined to believe the latter, precisely because it is bizarre to think someone is snoring at you on purpose.

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  9. H.Regalis*

    How would you even snore on purpose?!

    If the rest of your team agrees with him that you’re some kind of evil snoring freak, the problem is with them, not you. That’s ridiculous. It sounds like this guy is just a jerk though and I hope that’s the end of it for you.

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    1. Seal*

      Even if you could snore on purpose, why would you do it every night just to annoy someone? If you really want to annoy someone, talking in your sleep or screaming when you wake up from a nightmare are much easier to fake and far more effective (based on my childhood slumber parties, that is).

      Everyone snores or makes other noises at some point when they’re asleep for any number of reasons. Even my cats snore on occasion, which is admittedly more adorable than annoying. And who hasn’t fallen asleep in front of a blaring TV? Like it or not, if you stay in a hotel you’re going to hear and see other people at all hours; plan accordingly.

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      1. H.Regalis*

        Even if you could snore on purpose, why would you do it every night just to annoy someone?

        I guess that’s what I keep coming back to as well. Who would do that? And who would default to assuming the other person was snoring on purpose to be a jerk to them? That’s such a bizarre way of thinking.

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  10. Targaryen*

    OP, for whatever it’s worth — I work on the logistics side for these kinds of trips, and I cannot express to you how much contempt I would have for an employee like your teammate and how little effort I would put into “resolving” their nothing complaint.

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  11. Falling Diphthong*

    I am not sure where this conversation took place.
    • Yelled through the wall that morning.
    • Muttered angrily in bed, without working through that this, also, will pass through the walls.
    • Pounded on the OP’s door to awaken him and unload on the last morning of the trip.
    • Yelled in front of the entire group, who silently nodded.

    I think 2, which LineInTheSand gets at, is a possible read. This would be a lot more understandable if it was an overheard rant through the wall, rather than a direct confrontation where coworker expected to be heard by OP, that was the whole point. And I think OP is rounding it up to 4, when that’s unlikely.

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    1. WellRed*

      I got the impression it was option no. 2 as well and may lack greater context. Coworker still sounds challenging, if course but let’s not leap to getting fired. Sounds like everyone needs a good nights sleep here.

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think most of us have had some emphatic conversations with the throw pillows that we did not intend to be overheard, because we know we sound like a self-pitying loon.

        While coworker should have worked out that, logically, this rant had a high chance of being heard in the neighboring rooms (in all directions, not just by OP): sleep deprivation will make you dumb.

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    2. Expelliarmus*

      I’m guessing it’s either 2 or an offshoot of that, where another coworker was stopping by the complainer’s room and the complainer was ranting to them.

      Reply ↓
    3. Snow Globe*

      I was thinking coworker may have been on the phone with spouse. It would be odd to be talking to another coworker in the room first thing in the morning.

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    4. Twelve hour days on 4 hours of sleep*

      I was once in a situation where I had to share a room for two weeks with someone with badly untreated sleep apnea. She would also take naps as soon as the work day was done because she was always tired presumably due to sleeping terribly at night. I have always been a light sleeper, so the two weeks were absolute torture.

      Yes, our company was horrible. No, I am not proud of some of the things I thought about her or said to my spouse after the trip. But my most unfiltered sleep deprived rage thoughts weren’t really a true reflection of my opinion of her and didn’t change how I treated her at work.

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      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My most unfiltered sleep deprived rage thoughts weren’t really a true reflection.

        OP, this is important to remember.

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  12. HonorBox*

    I would guess that at some point in our lives, every one of us reading this has attempted to snore while we’re actually awake – showing a kid or our friend that we’re “sleeping.” That gets pretty old after about 30 seconds, at most. Also, if you compare someone who is really snoring while they’re sleeping and someone who is snoring to show that they’re snoring, it is often very different sounds. My dad snores and you couldn’t recreate some of the noise he makes if you wanted to. So this coworker is suggesting that OP stayed up all night and spent that time creating the noise. That’s the only way someone could deliberately snore and mess with someone else. That is so unrealistic and such a wild accusation. OP, maybe touch base with your boss. But I’d first say something to the coworker. Tell them you overhead them suggesting what they’ve suggested. And then I’d very directly tell them that what they’re saying is that you spent the night in your bed, awake, making snoring noises. Ask them how ridiculous that sounds to them, and then maybe finish with, “in the future, I’ll try to request a room farther away from teammates so my snoring doesn’t disturb people, but also in the future, think about the accusations you’re throwing out there.”

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    1. Juicebox Hero*

      I guess you could pretend to sleep and fake snore loudly, but at some point you’d either fall asleep and breathe normally, or run out of breath.

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    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Upthread: tape recording, small speakers aimed at your colleague’s wall, and then you slip out of the room to engage in your secret spy mission.

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    3. Ally McBeal*

      Well, my father knew he snored like a freight train and did very little (i.e. occasionally remembered to bring BreatheRight trips on family vacations where the four of us would be sharing a hotel room) to mitigate that, whether on vacation or simply at home in bed with my mother. My mother had a sound machine and earplugs and at one point swapped their king mattress out for two twins so she could shove one of those egg-crate mattress topper things between their beds. But SHE did all that – my father wouldn’t even go get a sleep study done or attempt to sleep in a different position (not on his back) to reduce snoring, so I would consider that “snoring on purpose.” She suspected sleep apnea, but that’s his new wife’s problem now.

      Conversely, I spend one long weekend a year at my friend’s family cabin, crammed into a tiny room with another friend. One year she told me (gently, embarassed to mention it) that I snored. I was appropriately horrified and now bring BreatheRight strips every year.

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  15. Kristin*

    OP – Your accuser is not angry with you about snoring. It’s a deliberate derail. Commenters here need to stop contemplating how someone can snore on purpose because that was never the point, nor the real complaint. This is intentional gaslighting.
    In my experience:
    1) Accuser wanted you to overhear and be hurt and experience a confidence nose-dive, and/or
    2) Accuser is generally manipulative, says many outrageous things to many people to see what they can get away with (and feel power when no one pushes back), and/or
    3) Accuser also snores (and did that night) but blamed it all on you.
    This is a manipulative person. Don’t spend one more second on untangling a deliberate tangle. The real issue is shoring up your own confidence and connecting with people who deserve you.

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    1. Expelliarmus*

      This is possible, but it could just be a person ranting about their lack of sleep and lashing out. Doesn’t make it okay, of course, but that would be a far from deliberate scenario.

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      1. Kristin*

        Well, I’ve been in the workplace 44 years. I have also been accused of outrageous things (sleeping with the director to get a clerical job, having plastic surgery because I don’t look “old,” seeing a play outside of work to one-up the gallery educator somehow, typing quickly to make other workers feel bad, etc.). In my experience, reasonable people “lashing out” never come up with such conspiracies. They were without exception difficult co-workers/supervisors who treated others disrespectfully and had other issues.
        “Hate springs from an unreasonable grievance” – Eric Hoffer.

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      2. HonorBox*

        I’d be OK with tired and thoughtless if it was the morning after the first night. But the coworker let this fester, and presumably made zero attempt to talk to OP or ask for a change of rooms. Thoughtless only applies when you look at the fact that there is zero thought put into accusing someone of snoring on purpose. Because that doesn’t happen.

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  16. Baunilha*

    Okay, I have a lot of questions.
    Did the coworker say anything to you afterwards, or did he act at all different after the trip? It’s possible he was just cranky after a few nights of not getting enough sleep and didn’t actually mean what he said.
    How long has OP been on this team? They say they don’t mesh well with the group, but that can take some time. If they’re a tight-knit group and you’re the newcomer, it makes sense that it would take a while to become part of the pack.
    Does OP have any history of insecurity or anxiety? OP, I mean this kindly: it’s not normal to have such an oversized reaction to a weird comment you overheard, so unless there’s more to it (like the coworker becoming hostile after the trip), it seems like you’re just taking things out of proportion. By all means, maybe there are things that you left off, but I think Alison is right — your brain is catastrophizing everything.

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  17. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

    When you talk to your boss, I suggest you mention hearing your coworker’s absurd allegation that you deliberately snored AT him.
    That would help avoid him thinking the problem is only your actions, rather than partly at least some unreasonable / loony coworkers.

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  18. Ann O'Nemity*

    “On the last day, I woke up to hear my senior teammate bashing me.”

    I’d be inclined to address it with the coworker. Complain about the paper thin walls and that there was zero privacy! I wouldn’t bother apologizing profusely; if you could hear your coworker’s conversation that clearly then I’d say the problem is with the hotel’s lack of sound proofing. Also, your coworker sounds like a dumb jerk.

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  19. Kevin Finnerty*

    To me, the real issue here is that the letter writer is not meshing with their team, and the snore rant reflects that at least one member of the team has hit the “look at her eating her crackers” phase of annoyance with the letter writer. I actually think the rant may be a sign that LW is in fact being iced out and everyone is just spiraling trying to figure out how to make her move on.

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    2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Nowhere did the OP mention hearing the coworker ranting about the snoring being the last straw with someone they couldn’t stand.

      Reply ↓
      1. Kevin Finnerty*

        Right… but the coworker is at the point where they are ranting about LW having normal bodily functions and citing that as proof LW is trying to pull some kind of fast one. Which is not the sort of rant one goes on about a beloved colleague, but rather a colleague with whom they are at the end of their rope.

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  20. Juicebox Hero*

    The last time, and I do mean the LAST time, I went on a trip with my one sister, I was awakened at 2 am by a blast of 80s synthpop because, according to her I was snoring too loud for her to sleep and she needed to drown it out somehow and she couldn’t find her airpods. She too snores like a congested brontosaurus but won’t admit it.

    I spent the rest of the night in tears, angrytexting my friends and trying to see if I could get a flight home early the next morning. I couldn’t, so then I got dragged all over the city looking for a drug store so she could get earplugs to deal with MY SNORING.

    It’s both reassuring and terrifying to know that there’s someone more immature than my sister out there.

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  21. Abe Froman*

    As a snorer, I feel this. Before I got a CPAP, accommodations on work trips gave me a ton of anxiety because I was so concerned with keeping other people awake. So I get that hearing this would feel like an attack. I would echo other’s statements that this was not at you, probably said in frustration, and not something you should give a lot of power to.

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  22. sleepy*

    My partner says I snore so loud that partner cannot sleep. Partner has been known to sleep with the tv on without a problem. Yes, I have been told by others that I snore. I sleep well. Once, when I was sleeping lightly and aware of sounds, I could hear myself breathing- but not snoring. Partner was disturbed and threatenened to throw me on the floor if I kept it up! All this to say, some people make some noise while sleeping and some people are such bad sleepers that any small noise disturbs them. Perhaps they should not be near each other.

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    1. murderbot*

      Threatening to throw someone out of bed on to the floor is pretty awful, there’s no level of snoring that would make that an appropriate response

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    2. allathian*

      They should definitely not sleep near each other. The western ideal of couples sleeping in the same room/bed has a lot of poor sleep to answer for.

      I doubt my husband and I would still be married if we hadn’t decided to sleep in separate rooms when our son was born. Last summer, when all three of us slept in the same hotel room, our son said that he couldn’t sleep because both of us snored. When we got home from our 4-day trip, our son slept more than 12 hours straight!

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  23. Just a Sleepy Raccoon*

    Hey, OP, as a fellow snorer with a sensitive stomach that is derailed by travel and stress, I just wanted to drop a note to say that you’re doing what you need to do to take care of yourself while you travel, and that’s awesome! I know most of the comments are about the snoring bit, but I wanted to give you some validation about skipping out on meals with the team–that’s something I will do often when I’m at conferences, and reasonable, kind people don’t mind if you do that.

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  24. The esteemed governor*

    LW 1 mentioned that there’s nothing they can do about the snoring, but I wonder if they have ever done a sleep study? I know a few snorers who have done so and it’s dramatically improved their sleep among other things.

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  25. Parenthesis Guy*

    I do suspect that the coworker didn’t realize what he did. But I would have some concerns if I was the OP. Sure, it’s unreasonable to blame someone for snoring, but we’ve all seen unreasonable requests accomodated because the person making them is essential.

    I don’t think you’d be forced out. That would be wild. But I could see them not waiting you to go on these trips in the future.

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    1. HonorBox*

      Not wanting the OP to go on these trips in the future? Because they snore?

      Imagine if you’re the boss and coworker comes to you and says, “OP snores loudly and I didn’t get good rest all four nights because my room was next to theirs. I don’t want them going to the conference ever again.”

      I think a reasonable manager would ask first if the coworker talked to OP. Second, they’d ask if coworker checked to see if there were any other rooms available in the hotel. Third, they might ask why coworker didn’t go to CVS and get ear plugs. Then they might suggest that if coworker doesn’t want to have to deal with snoring, they can sit it out in the future. Because, my goodness, even if the snoring is REALLY LOUD, not addressing it in any way shows some lack of critical thinking. And if snoring is bothersome, what if this colleague gets a room next to the elevator or the ice machine or someone with a baby. Are they going to ask to not be placed in a hotel with an elevator or an ice maker or a baby? Cmon.

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      1. Elbe*

        Agreed. Unless the whole company is bananapants, I can’t imagine this complaint would get any traction. Lots of people snore! Trying to use that as an excuse to exclude someone from trips would seem incredibly petty, to the point where his professional judgement would be in question.

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  26. Mycelia*

    i mean i do sometimes feel, at 3am, as though my wife is snoring At Me Directly, but i am typically over that feeling by the morning even if i am otherwise grumpy and sleep-deprived, on account of things like “i can recognise that she does not in fact control the snoring” and “it would be pretty mean to yell at her about it”. no matter how sleep-deprived they were, your co-worker was way out of line and they owe you an apology.

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  27. CTA*

    OP, have there been any disagreements/conflicts between you and the senior teammate? IME, when someone blows up like this, it’s usually because they’re channeling other anger into it.

    I once had a school teammate who did this to me. In an actual mediation session, she cited me “speaking low/softly” as one of many proofs that I was trying to “sabotage the project” (in no way did I ever do that purposely or subconsciously). She said it way that made it sound like me “speaking softly” was on par with uttering a slur. It was nuts. She was just mad at me because I didn’t agree with her/other teammates on things (in no way was my disagreement a blocker) and she couldn’t get me to change my mind. I offer this anecdote because if your senior teammate would make these accusations about you, then don’t be surprised if it escalates. If you’re worried about being blackballed, then I suggest talking with your manager about this so you get to your manager before your teammate does.

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  28. Willa C.*

    It sounds like there may be more to the snoring issue if the coworker is also calling OP “weird” and “nasty.” I know OP said the coworker was polite up until that point, but to me this reads as the final straw after a series of missteps.

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    1. Abogado Avocado.*

      I gently disagree. Snoring alone in a hotel room on a work trip is not a work-related “misstep” and using it as a basis for criticizing someone to their work colleagues suggests the complainer is seriously out of step with workplace norms. This is not something that is a basis for discipline in the workplace.

      Even if the LW is a Very Loud Snorer, this is not a workplace issue as long as they are the only worker assigned to the room. What about the noise? That’s the hotel’s problem, not the workplace because it is not happening on the job.

      As for being “weird,” in my decades as a lawyer, I’ve found that sometimes people use the term “weird” to signify someone whose habits are different than their own. Which is allowed. As long as your “weird” coworker is productive, isn’t endangering others, violating workplace rules or impeding the workplace’s productivity, they get to bring themselves to work, just like you and I do.

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    2. Observer*

      but to me this reads as the final straw after a series of missteps.

      Calling *snoring* a misstep is really ridiculous though. And if that’s how CW is thinking about this, then it’s not the LW’s behavior I have to doubt. Because calling snoring a “misstep” is like saying “having an allergy” is a misstep. Or any other medical condition.

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  29. Rex Libris*

    “strategically snoring as an act of anti-social aggression” is the most awesome wording ever. If I could figure out how to do it, I’d seriously be tempted some times.

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  30. Miss Demeanor*

    I’ve traveled for work for decades (and that includes working for a non-profit where Motel 6 was just too pricey for our budget) and have learned something that your workmate apparently has not: I bring really good earplugs and a sleep mask and use them. When that isn’t enough, I use the white noise setting on my phone. These tools (two of which take up zero room in my overnight bag) have allowed me to sleep well despite the usual travel discomforts: the room next to the elevator, the room on a floor with very excited! excited! children! for a work trip during Spring Break, and the many rooms with paper-thin walls.

    In other words, OP, this is NOT your fault. It IS your work-mate’s fault for not being prepared for hotel noise, which is very, very usual in the traveling world.

    As for not spending time with your colleagues every night after work, please know there are many of us who relax alone after a full day of work. I know plenty of parents who skip the work-trip happy hour to Zoom with their kids before bedtime and plenty of other folks who return to their rooms ASAP to decompress after a full day of being “on” at meetings or conferences. You are not alone and you are not at fault.

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  31. The TPN report*

    I don’t have enough info to be able to accurately say this person is a toxic pathological narcissist, but this very idea has hallmarks of TPN: that anything that happens is because of or about him. (A fun example: An ex once claimed that I deliberately found out a pipe was leaking behind the wall because I wanted to disrupt their peace.) In the work context this possibility doesn’t help much, but in the peace of mind context, it will help immensely in not internalizing coworker’s comments or feel any responsibility for managing his feelings about something out of your control.

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  32. Another Kristin*

    I too find it extremely unlikely that the coworker was saying anything other than “ugh, OP was snoring all night…it’s like they were doing it on purpose”. That said, some people are loons and maybe this is one of them! Maybe he was annoyed and spoke harshly when he didn’t really mean it. Maybe he’s a ginormous asshole. You can’t ever really know.

    Allison’s advice is good, OP – focus on what you can control, not on what this guy thinks.

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  34. mn2rs*

    Hey LW, just some reassurance that as someone who tries to be reasonable… if I heard a coworker complain that another coworker was intentionally snoring to keep the speaker awake all night, I would be giving side-eye to the speaker, not the snorer. Snoring isn’t exactly voluntary or controllable, and thinking someone is snoring AT someone else is delusional.

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  35. Ellis Bell*

    I think this is probably the fault of such paper thin walls that even private conversations could be heard?! Without the paper thin walls, OP wouldn’t have been heard snoring and they wouldn’t have heard their sleep deprived colleague talking nonsense and venting in their own room. It’s entirely possible he calmed down later on, once dressed and in public and if he didn’t, I would still blame the walls and would tell him as much. I would complain to whoever booked the hotels that there was zero privacy, to the point that there may as well have not been any walls.

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  36. JMC*

    Actually there is something that can be done about the snoring. See a Dr. Maybe get a sleep study done. It can be fixed.

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    1. Observer*

      You don’t really know that.

      Yes, for many people snoring can be helped. But not 100% And there are some people who probably could be helped, but have been told by their doctor that there is nothing to be done.

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  37. Beveled Edge*

    Is there really no reliable remedy for snoring (CPAP and sleep apnea diagnoses aside)? I know loud snorers are not actively trying to ruin the trips of everyone around them, but preventing someone from sleeping for several days is torture.

    I’ve been kept awake or had poor sleep for multiple nights on a work trip and the stress of a) being away from home b) on business so there’s an important task to accomplish while c) your brain is ceasing to function correctly is pretty awful (by the third day of one trip, I could no longer process the sentences that the presenters were saying, though I recognized the individual words). In one case, I was sharing a room with a coworker who snored louder than I had known was humanly possible, and she got herself another room once she realized what she’d prevented me from sleeping at all, but I shudder to think what the people in the rooms surrounding her new one dealt with.

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    1. Observer*

      So, by your own description, this was person who was reasonable and tried to reduce her impact on others. But somehow you are still assuming that there *had* to be something reliable and practical for her to do?

      For a lot of people there are some pretty good options. But not for everyone. And even for some people who should have options, they don’t get to have access to those options for a variety of reasons. And even the better options are not 100% effective all of the time.

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    2. HonorBox*

      The LW neither actively tried to ruin the trip nor did they prevent someone from sleeping. With no additional context provided, we can’t assume that the LW hasn’t tried all kinds of solutions. What we do know pretty clearly, though, is the coworker wasn’t kind or thoughtful and didn’t attempt to make the situation better on their own.

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    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      You should buy some silicone ear plugs. I never travel without them. I don’t hear the maids vacuuming in the hall, the trash being dumped before dawn, the neighbors arguing or screwing, or my husband snoring.

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  38. dee*

    This situation reminds me of a very unpleasant hotel stay. I was on a board and had to travel to the east coast during winter. Due to bad weather, one of the other board members asked to stay in my hotel room rather than drive back and forth from their residence. As the board was covering my costs, I didn’t want to say no. She warned me that she might get up in the middle of the night for a snack. I cheerfully answered, no problem, I have custom earplugs. Well. She didn’t mention that she has a condition that causes her to snore extremely loudly and then SLEEPWALK to fetch food which happened to be a box of Oreo cookies, get back into bed and loudly crunch the cookies, the whole time with her eyes closed, fast ASLEEP. It was the spookiest, scariest thing I’ve ever seen, her lying prone on the bed putting cookies into her mouth. The custom earplugs were unfortunately no match for her snoring and I didn’t sleep all night. And I have a high tolerance for snorers as I had a neighbor who got tested for sleep apnea because I (and others in the apartment) told him our walls were vibrating when he snored. I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor, that’s how desperate I was. She opened the bathroom door the next morning and was obviously embarrassed. I didn’t want to make her feel worse, so when we carpooled to our board meeting, I tactfully answered “fine” when asked how I slept by the driver and I felt her relax when she realized I wasn’t going to say anything. I later looked it up and this eating while sleeping thing is an actual disorder.

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  40. DJ*

    Yes the coworker could have spoken to LW about the snoring ie could the motel move beds, relocate either LW or colleague!

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  41. CandyBug*

    You need to talk to your manager ASAP. This is your message and don’t vary too much from it. It is NOT your problem to solve.

    “I have an uncomfortable situation I need to discuss with you.

    Apparently the walls at the hotel were very thin and Dingus, who was in the room next to me, was bothered by my snoring.

    Unfortunately, the reason I know this is because thin walls work both ways and I was able to hear him loudly complaining about me. He was very angry I disturbed his sleep and believes I did it on purpose as a way to get myself moved off the team. He also called me weird and nasty.

    It’s uncomfortable to be aware of a team member disliking me so much. I hope it goes without saying that my snoring was not a ploy to be moved off the team, I have been enjoying my job and being part of the team. I understand Dingus may be speaking only for himself, but it’s concerning enough that I wanted to check in with you about whether there are issues I’m not aware of.”

    And then let your boss talk. Don’t overexplain. Don’t apologize for the snoring and DO NOT let yourself be drawn into a discussion about snoring. That would derail the entire conversation. Do you see how quickly the comments here devolved into you can fix your snoring, when you didn’t ask about that? The issue is overhearing a senior team member saying shitty things about you. That’s it.

    And he didn’t say it because he was sleep-deprived. He said it because he’s used to shit talking you.

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  42. Elbe*

    If the coworkers words were heard through the shared wall, I would assume that he was venting to a spouse or friend and not taking that complaint to someone actually at work. A tired person letting off steam to a loved one is not going to say things that should be taken with a massive grain of salt.

    Accusing someone of malicious snoring – while they’re unconscious – is an absolutely bonkers thing to say, and I can’t imagine someone talking like that to a mutual coworker. And I can’t imagine a coworker would take it seriously even if he did say it to them. I really think that the odds that this would have real professional repercussions is pretty low.

    The bigger issue is that the LW finds it believable that the company would severely penalize them for snoring and not attending after work hang outs. Either the LW is experiencing some social anxiety that is making them not read the situation accurately, or the workplace has a really toxic culture. Dream job or not, it’s not healthy to be at a company that puts so much weight on things that don’t actually affect a person’s performance.

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  43. Christine*

    I’ve been a snorer my whole life. My sister used to bang on the wall to wake me up. My husband shakes me until I turn over.
    It’s embarrassing, and I avoid roommate situations. Avoiding adjoining rooms is more difficult.

    Reply ↓

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