my partner is angry about how I handled harassment, venting to employees about managers above them, and more

by Alison Green on January 24, 2025

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My partner is angry about how I handled harassment at work

I’m a woman in finance. Six months ago, I was put into a team with an older male colleague who from day one decided to call me “Legs.” When someone challenged him, he said, “Well, look, she’s got legs up to here!” He gets too close, stares at my boobs, and one time walked past me while I was at my desk and, rather than squeezing my shoulder in passing, he put his hand effectively on the side of my boob and as he walked off his hand brushed off me. Word got back to the directors, he was told off for his behavior, he tried to apologize to me on a work night out, and I told him, “It’s not just what you do, but after you leave the room I become the butt of the joke for the next hour and it’s all totally humiliating.” It all then stopped.

Whilst all the harassment stopped after that, he has been difficult to work with because he’s lazy and non-compliant and I have to tidy up all his messes. I’m leaving this job because I have a promotion with a new firm. Since my exit interview, this collegue and I have butted heads on a project and I’ve gone home and vented to my partner.

Somehow, all the past sexual harrassment stuff came up and my partner got really, really furious with me for not previously reporting this colleague or doing anything to get this “predator” out of work. He shouted at me and gave me ultimatums of “you’ve got until your last day, otherwise I’ll be contacting the director.” He was so cross he shoved me at one point and said, “You’re a POS, not an advocate for women at all. It’s embarrassing a man has to stick up for women’s rights.” He berated me for making excuses for enabling this colleague. He is a domestic abuse survivor, but I plainly told him this is my situation and my work, and he’s being controlling and overstepping. My partner strongly believes he has a right to advocate for the next woman who’s going to step into my role.

How do I handle this? I’m very close to ending my relationship.

I’m so sorry — this awful and unfair in a number of different ways.

Would you consider calling a domestic violence hotline? I’m so sorry to say it, but I don’t think you can safely stay in this relationship. The verbal abuse and belittling on their own are a reason to leave; the shoving takes it far, far past that line.

None of the rest of my answer matters as much as that, but to address the other issues: your partner isn’t “sticking up for women’s rights. Trying to overrule a woman’s autonomy in deciding how to handle a professional situation that affects her is not being an ally to women at all. If he wants to advocate for women, he needs to start by respecting their autonomy and their judgment. If he simply can’t live with how you’ve decided to handle your own work situation, his options are to try to change your perspective respectfully or to leave — not to try to bully you into doing what he wants.

2. Should a top executive be venting to employees about managers above them?

My coworker Michael was lateral to me and on my team when I joined about seven years ago. However, in the years since, our CEO has taken a strong liking to him and he has risen through the ranks, to the point where he is now essentially the CEO’s second-in-command in charge of daily operations.

Michael does not manage our team, but he is still quite close with many of us and often hangs out with us socially at team lunches and happy hours. Sometimes during these gatherings, he will “vent” to us, often about people or teams far above us — complaining, for example, that VP Jane never shows up to meetings or that X Product Team takes forever to get anything done. He once ranted about how our team’s manager never checks her messages and how various processes she’s implemented make no sense. These are all things that I agree with. They impact my daily workflow, in a way I don’t think they impact his, and hugely frustrate me as well. But I’m finding myself getting annoyed when Michael complains about them, because I don’t have the power to change any of these things as a rank-and-file employee — but he does! He has hiring, firing, and disciplinary power, he’s in high-level meetings, and he could actually do something about these problems!

I know that some of these may well be battles that Michael has reasonably decided aren’t worth fighting. Still, is it reasonable to think that Michael is a bit insensitive for making these complaints to us?

Not only insensitive, but oddly oblivious to his own position of power and influence, as well as to how “here’s a problem I could try to fix but rather than dealing with it competently, I’m just going to complain” reflects on him. He’s basically advertising his own ineffectiveness.

And if he has correctly judged that these aren’t battles worth fighting, then he’s just demonstrating bad judgment in picking you as his audience to vent to. Besides being indiscreet, venting from higher-ups about other higher-ups is bad for people’s morale.

What would happen if you started replying, “Don’t you have the authority now to do something about that?”

3. Should I tell my boss about my PMDD?

I am four months into a new position in my company. I am past the training stage and am now handling my own accounts and assisting others. I have struggled with ADHD in the past, but have been able to manage it for the past few years with medication.

Here’s where the problem comes in: I was diagnosed with PMDD years ago and stopped taking the hormonal birth control that made me stop my period completely. This has caused the hormonal surges and drops that lead to PMDD and it’s beginning to cause issues at work. One super fun side effect of my PMDD is that it makes my ADHD medication essentially useless. A lot of people have been out of work this last week, and trying to handle the extra work while dealing with unmitigated ADHD and terrible mood swings has been a nightmare and I’ve admittedly been ineffective. My boss has scheduled calls to check in and while I’ve been open about feeling overwhelmed, I’m beginning to wonder if I should explain why. During a non-PMDD week, I feel I would’ve been able to handle the higher work load. I’m worried that this is going to leave a lasting impression. I’m beginning to wonder if it would be easier to just explain to my boss that my PMDD wreaked havoc on my ability to focus last week but that I am working with my doctor to find a solution. Is this too much to share? Would it be viewed as making excuses?

You don’t need to share that level of detail, and doing so risks opening you up to misunderstandings and biases about PMDD (and ADHD, for that matter). But as with any health issue, it’s enough to just stick to the parts that are pertinent to your boss. So for example: “I want to let you know that I’m having a medication issue that’s affecting my ability to concentrate. I’m working with my doctor to find a solution and I don’t expect it to continue long-term, but I wanted to let you know in case I don’t seem at 100% right now.”

Related:
should you tell your boss if you’re struggling with mental health issues?

4. How do I move back to a more junior job after covering while a coworker was on leave?

For over a year now, I have been covering the job of a colleague while she is on maternity leave. Her maternity leave is due to end soon and in my country she is entitled to her previous job back. I will either need to return to my previous (more junior) role in the organization or to look for a new job elsewhere.

How do I prepare to give her her job back without getting possessive or anxious that she will do a better job than I did? How do I navigate taking on a more junior role within the same team? I totally support the rights of working parents but am not sure how to navigate this transition emotionally and practically.

It’s hard to feel like you’re moving backwards. But a better way to look at it is that your coworker’s leave can be something that helps you move forward: it gave you something really great to put on your resume, which you can now parlay into a similar position somewhere else. (Or potentially at your current organization if something opens up.) The time you spent covering her job built your skills and gives you evidence of those skills and capabilities, and that should make getting the next job easier.

Doing higher-level work can also help you do more junior roles at a higher level than you were doing them previously; you probably have a more nuanced understanding of the priorities, constraints, and politics of management above you and that broadened perspective can influence the way you approach your job now. You also might think about what you did and didn’t like about the work you were covering and use that to refine what you want next (as well as where your biggest challenges were, if those are areas you want to develop in).

Last, are there opportunities to bring the skills you’ve built in the last year back to your current team in a new way? If so, consider talking to your boss about places where those could be helpful.

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{ 74 comments }

{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Daria grace*

    #1 I’m sorry you have had to deal with mistreatment at both home and work. How you handled things at work was fine but even if you’d totally mishandled everything at work it is absolutely not okay for your partner to demean you, shove you or interfere in your professional relationships. While no doubt his trauma from his own domestic violence experiences is genuinely difficult, that does not give him any licence to be the domestic violence perpetrator he has become. I agree with Alison, it’s important that you talk to a professional about this as his behavior is extremely alarming. An plan to exit the relationship and your shared living & financial arrangements would be good to have even if you don’t act on it immediately

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    1. D*

      OP1 – your partner’s reaction is waaay off and I think you know that, so I won’t belabor it any further. Having been through similar experiences I do find guys can be sooooo judgy about not reporting this stuff, but they have zero appreaciation of what its like to have to live with the fall out at work. I’m finding that an awful lot of the work of improving the workplace culture is being thrust on the same women who are wearing the brunt of the bad behaviours. I pushed back hard on that when my company went through an audit and uncovered all sorts of assaults, harrasment and bias throughout. I pushed for a ”see it & say something” campaign – i.e. instead of only reacting to incidents (and therefore putting the onus on women to take everything through formal reports), the men needed to pay far more attention and call out bad behaviour, ideally in the moment. It should be incumbent on everyone in the workplace to stand up for others. Otherwise, if you’re the only woman in the room and you’re the one continually being harrassed, you’re also then the only one who is always reporting it and then it seems like you’re the whiny one… which just makes it so much worse. Sadly, while guys agreed to what I was saying nothing actually changed. Not once did I ever see a guy tell another guy to knock it off when behaving badly. My effort was also… unhelpful… to my career.
      (And of course this logic applies in various permutations to other forms of discrimination, I have just worded this relevant to the situation described).

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      1. Carrie*

        Thank you for your thoughtful answer. A lot of of guys just don’t get how reporting a predator isn’t an easy answer. Reminds me of a bartending job I had as a young adult; the bar owner was a creep who used to say inappropriate stuff and grope the young female staff, my male friends simply couldn’t understand why I didn’t go to the police! There weren’t many jobs around and I needed the money – I was fully replaceable as unskilled labor but nobody was going to fire the owner.

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      2. Jeff Vader*

        Absolutely we guys need to call out the sexist behaviour as and when it happens. Report it as well – otherwise the creeps get a chance to get their version of the story across.

        It’s easy to say ‘not all men’ are not like this, so why not prove it ?

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  2. Not your typical admin*

    LW 1 – I’m so sorry you’re faced that situation at work, am so happy you’ve found a new job. I just have to say, your partner is totally wrong. This is a situation where they should be mad FOR you, not AT you. Their role should be to listen, and support you as you make decisions in how to handle a situation. Belittling you, calling you names, and shoving you is beyond wrong. I highly encourage you to get somewhere safe, and surround yourself with people who support you.

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    1. HonorBox*

      This is where I landed. It is one thing to be upset about a situation on someone’s behalf. Even then, when I’ve found myself being upset on someone’s behalf about a situation, it is important to check yourself when the other person is not comfortable with your reaction.

      LW, I would add to the encouragement to end this relationship. Find the safety and support you need from family, friends, etc. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

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  3. No Flying Monkeys*

    LW 1 – it’s hard to know without more context but there’s something about his reaction that screams possessiveness to me, like someone else had sexual access to you (by sexually harassing you) and that interferes with his sense that he has sole entitlement to you. If that is the the case, it’s a huge red flag (along with everything else you describe about his behaviour which is basically just a list of red flags). Unfortunately some domestic abuse survivors, especially men, find themselves repeating the behaviours that were imposed on them as victims. This is very sad but it doesn’t excuse their violence. It’s also not something that you can do anything about. What you can do something about is protecting yourself, by getting to safety.

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    1. Dark Macadamia*

      This was my thought too. Like how dare you “let” someone touch/sexualize you as if it’s something she can control.

      It’s unfortunately a thing that abusive men sometimes adopt the language/trappings of feminism (or therapy, etc) to present themselves publicly as an ally and/or gaslight the women they’re mistreating.

      I really hope you’re safe, LW.

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      1. RC*

        Yes, this. Possessiveness and dehumanizing, not allyship at all. You are an adult who is allowed to make your own decisions on how you want to deal with work issues. You don’t have to tolerate that behavior at all, and please be safe (there’s a lot of good info in other comments).

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      2. bamcheeks*

        I keep seeing the edges of the manosphere shite on social media and have been thinking a lot about how many men believe the difference between a Good Man and a Bad Man is where and how they target their aggression and violence. You see it in right wing spaces where Good Men define themselves as protectors, and in left wing spaces where Good Men think that as long as they are “punching up” against oppression then that’s a positive outlet for violence and aggression. I think it’s absolutely the same dynamic in both cases, and it’s just as toxic.

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        1. Irish Teacher.*

          And with both groups, all it takes is for somebody they believe they are “protecting” to indicate they don’t want or need their protection for them to turn on the “victim,” as we’ve seen with LW1.

          It’s possible this is genuinely about him wanting to “protect” the LW, rather than anger somebody else touched her/looked at her. If he was in a situation where his mother was also abused, then he may have wished he could have done more to help her or he may be angry with her for not protecting him and may be trying to “fix things” by punishing this abuser in a way he couldn’t punish his, but…the thing is that’s still making it all about him. Whether it’s about his need to feel he is protecting others from what happened to him or about him being angry anybody else looked at his woman or about him wanting some kind of revenge that he couldn’t get on his own abuser, in any case, he’s trying to impose his needs on the LW.

          And he is doing so in an extremely manipulative and abusive way.

          LW1, I think you are right to be considering leaving him and I really think that is what you need to do.

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    2. Metal Gru*

      Yes, I came here to write this (and then saw your comment). I feel strongly that the “not a good advocate for women” is a smoke screen and the real reason he’s so angry is because some dude looked at his partner (LW) like that.

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    3. Worldwalker*

      Cycles repeat. People who abuse their children were nearly always abused as children. People do to others what was done to them. Which is why I chose not to have children.

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      1. Anon for CA*

        Newer research doesn’t necessarily bear this out. It seems that *witnessing* abuse in the family and not being the primary target may sometimes lead to that reaction, but it does not seem to be as clear-cut as “abused end up as abusers”. Will check later if I can find that study and link it.
        Your decision is your own, Worldwalker, and having made a similar one I certainly understand where you are coming from. I just don’t think we are eternally tainted somehow or inevitably cursed to be exactly like our parents.
        I hope the pain eases for you.

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      2. anon today*

        I second the repeating cycles.
        In my twenties, I understood that I was destined to repeat the abuse (felt the rage welling up at the slightetst provocation), and vowed to not have children to not hurt them.
        I used a Buddhist metaphor of repeating cycles to explain to myself I didn’t want to pass down violence through the generations.

        Peace.

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      3. Redaktorin*

        This is both untrue according to newer research and unfairly stigmatizing to people who were abused. It really sucks to have people assume I’m a monster because of what I went through. It feels like being victimized twice/punished for something bad that happened to me.

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  4. Oui oui oui all the way home*

    Wishing you peace and love LW 1. I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing from your partner. Hugs.

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  5. Bruce*

    LW1: So many red flags. Not OK for your partner to lay hands on you or try to bully you. My late wife had a couple of gropers at her job, she handled them with more physical force than you did but she had a black belt and knew how to apply pain holds >:-) (I knew from her practicing on me!) You get to choose what feels safe and effective to you, he needs to butt out. I’d suggest couples counseling but only if you feel safe even bringing it up! Dude is on thin ice.

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    1. Observer*

      I’d suggest couples counseling but only if you feel safe even bringing it up!

      No. People like that are quite good at weaponizing that kind of therapy unless the therapist is REALLY good. In which case they will either dismiss the couple, partner is going to drop out, or the therapist will tell LW to get out of the relationship.

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      1. bamcheeks*

        Yeah, I would agree with this. And someone who has doubled-down on shoving you and is planning to escalate to contacting your boss, AND who has already justified his aggression as “protecting [unnamed] women [who never asked for his protection]” is likely to be very effective at manipulating his actions in therapy. You don’t owe him this chance, LW.

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    2. I&I*

      If a man shoves his partner, it’s past the point for couples counselling.

      Couples counselling is for two people of equal good will who have issues they want to resolve to their mutual benefit. This is a case of one person having done absolutely nothing wrong and the other person bullying and assaulting her.

      The best thing a couples counsellor could do would be to tell them they were in the wrong room and refer them for separate counselling, her for support and him for abusive thinking. Anything else would support his abuse by framing it as a mutual issue.

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      1. Scarlet2*

        Yeah, couples counseling is notoriously dangerous in abusive situations. Based on the letter, the BF would probably be particularly adept at using therapy speak to manipulate the situation to his advantage.
        And I agree with I&I that abuse is not a situation that you work out in counseling anyway, it’s a situation that the victim needs to get away from and I hope that LW has a good support network and can get a safe exit strategy in place asap.

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    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I think it would be better for her to go through with her idea of leaving him. Couples counselling is only going to leave her in the relationship for longer and give this a chance to esclate. He’s already shoved her. It is likely to get worse from here.

      I kind of think that when your partner becomes physically aggressive with you and especially when they don’t even appear to be apologetic, but instead act like you are in the wrong and that it’s embarrassing they “had” to do it, there’s no real coming back from that. It’s past time for counselling, way past thin ice, past last chances. At that point, the relationship is over and it’s “leave as quickly as you can safely do so” territory.

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  6. Worldwalker*

    LW1, that relationship is not safe.

    Aside from your partner’s total lack of respect for you and all women, he laid hands on you! That’s a Red-Square-on-May-Day level of red flags.

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  7. I’ve got the shrimp!*

    LW1 I have the feeling the response you’ve received is likely not one you were expecting so I just want to give you some internet hugs.

    (I also completely agree with Alison’s comments. I can’t imagine how you must feel reading this but please know that this internet stranger believes in you!)

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    1. Lady Lessa*

      I want to second (or higher multiplier) your comment. Don’t have anything to say about this issue, other than I’ve experienced some myself. But I do have a bunch of good male co-workers who I enjoy. I hope that LW1 finds some good ones as well.

      Reply ↓
  8. ThrowawayDVworker*

    Domestic violence worker by trade here. LW1, you deserve to be safe and you deserve to be supported. Escalating from verbal to physical is a really dangerous sign. I see a lot in my work that women “don’t want to bother us” with stuff that “isn’t that bad.” I get that minimisation is a coping strategy – it was certainly mine as a DV survivor. We get up and we do our jobs every day to support any woman who needs us (in the women’s space, there are also services for men and my service supports non-binary folks as well, and 99.9% of workers at least where I am are incredibly supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community, I’m gay myself.) It’s really not a competition of who has it the worst. Please know that there are passionate, skilled and dedicated workers who would be overjoyed to assist you with whatever you need. We can assist with safety planning, exit planning, ongoing housing and financial support, counselling, security upgrades, reporting to Police and obtaining a protection order, etc etc. We will support you to be safe even if you’re not ready to leave the relationship, but the escalation to physical violence is really concerning. A lot of people ask me if I work at a refuge – I don’t, and refuge would be less than 1% of the clients that we support. I would also run a safety check on your phone – in iOS you can go to settings and select “safety check” which will show you what you’re sharing with who, and on Android it’s under “Security and Privacy”, again in settings. Using a friends’ device or a public device (or your work one) is the safest way to search for info.

    You could also set up a code word with your loved one’s, something like “apples”, which can mean “I need you to come over/call the Police.”

    I don’t know the specifics so this is all really general advice, but I do encourage you definitely to talk to a professional. The worst outcome on calling one of us is you waste half an hour of your time with advice you don’t take, and the worst things that can happen if you don’t call us are much more dangerous to your safety and wellbeing.

    I’d also look up DARVO which was coined by Jennifer Friedman – it stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

    Multiple tips are available online as well. I’m sure this thread is going to be well-moderated, but due diligence requires me to say please don’t share any other people’s stories (e.g. my sister/cousin/friend went through X), anything triggering, or anything that could discourage someone reaching out for help in an unsafe situation.

    LW1, you’ve clearly got some incredible strength and judgement on not tolerating sexist BS and on keeping yourself safe. Your local DV workers are there to support you with what you want and how you want to do things.

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    2. Ellis Bell*

      I was struck by the DARVO dynamic as well; he’s made himself the victim so he can shove OP and call her a piece of shit, simply because she’s getting herself out of an unsafe situation after tackling it responsibly. I’m not sure what she is supposed to do this guy so that there is never “a next victim” in his future, but he’s certainly made sure there’s another offender in OP’s life.

      Reply ↓
      1. Anon for CA*

        That stood out to me as well, especially your last sentence. The partner is making her responsible both for his terrible conduct and for her colleague’s, which is obviously not okay.
        Hopefully he can unpack that one day, far away from LW.

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      2. Gamer Girl*

        The fact that he laid hands on OP1 is game over. Shoving is a huge deal. Shoving and yelling at her about “protecting women”?! Please contact a DV hotline OP. This is a huge deal.

        Please don’t let his story about being a victim fool you. He is the perpetrator in your relationship. Stay safe, get any important documents out of your shared living space and make sure that he doesn’t have access to your bank or financial information. Make a safety plan with a DV counselor and get out of the relationship and living situation as soon as possible.

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but he is escalating. You need to protect yourself.

        Reply ↓
    4. Limes*

      Very helpful comment. I’ve never heard of DARVO before, but looking it up now – that is EXACTLY the sequence that played out in the lead-up to my estrangement with my father. Very interesting and also weirdly gratifying to see the pattern, in some way? I also found Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft a very useful read in the weeks before I pulled the plug on our relationship.

      Reply ↓
  9. Mockingbird*

    LW1, it sounds like you handled the creep at work just fine. He got disciplined, you’ve gotten a better job somewhere else. The higher ups did hear about his behavior, and if he hasn’t been fired for the ways he’s bad at his job that you’ve had to clean up after, they wouldn’t have done it for sexual harassment either. I agree with other commenters that your partner’s behavior is more worrying. It’s very controlling, and he escalated. Even people who’ve been victims of abuse can be abusive. If you’re not in therapy, it would be a good idea to start the process. I know from experience it can be hard to leave such a relationship, and it helps to have someone who can help you work through all the feelings that come with trying to, and when you do.

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  10. Observer*

    #1 – Harassment

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with Allison 100%

    I don’t think your relationship is salvageable. The idea that he’s being an “ally” by *threatening you* is beyond absurd, and a relationship killer all on its own. The same is true for the shove. Together? This is not salvageable.

    As for contacting the director, he’s being ridiculous. But it’s not your problem. You’re leaving. So even if anyone there decides that it’s somehow your fault, there is nothing they can do to you.

    I’m sorry you had to deal with this jerk, with a company who is not doing what it needs to to keep their staff safe and a really terrible partner.

    PS Being a survivor of domestic abuse does not come close to excusing his behavior. It’s even really an explanation.

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    1. el l*

      Exactly. Hurt people hurt people. Nothing he said or did here can be excused by his past, or his professed ideals.

      Not often relationship advice comes up here, but – leave.

      Reply ↓
  11. Southern Violet*

    #1 Your boyfriend sucks and is abusive and isnt going to change. Get to somewhere safe as soon as you can. Good luck.

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  12. TheBunny*

    #1

    I’m so sorry. Your partner, as Alison said, is abusive. You handled the harassment in a way that worked for you. He’s hiding misogyny, abuse, and controlling behavior behind the guise of being an ally.

    Please at least make a plan on how to leave and be ready to protect yourself.

    I’ve been where you are. It doesn’t get better until you get out.

    Sending love.

    Reply ↓
  13. Lanam*

    LW #1:

    You have now seen how your partner handles extreme stress and disagreements with you, at minimum. I urge you to consider if you will accept this treatment from him long-term, and I hope you won’t.

    He will apologize and grovel and promise not to do it again, and he will sincerely mean it. But past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He will do this again, possibly much worse.

    Shoving your loved one is never ever justified except in self defense. Berating and degrading you in the name of feminism reeks severely misguided principles rooted in wanting to “take control” and not in respecting your autonomy and your boundaries on YOUR life and YOUR work. Can you imagine giving him an ultimatum about going to his HR at his job, and how he’d take that?

    To be clear, even if you later end up believing he was right and you should have reported the misogynistic boss, that does NOT mean your partner’s abusive behavior now should be excused. His argument and his behavior (the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, the disrespect) are independent of each other.

    I wish you luck.

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    1. Fry Day*

      But past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

      Oof. This is highly problematic. It’s the same logic men use to justify not dating promiscuous women. A person’s past shouldn’t be held against them or used to “predict” their future behavior.

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      1. AnonForThis*

        So people deserve unlimited chances no matter what?
        When people show you who they are, believe them. People can change, but only if they want to. Many don’t want to.

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        1. Fry Day*

          Of course not! I just think that people should be given the opportunity to change—something that you seem to agree with based on your second paragraph.

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      2. Anon yo*

        I don’t find it problematic in that it’s basically telling people to keep their eyes open for the behavior. Can ppl change, certainly. Do most people have patterns of behavior? Yes.

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  14. Jill Swinburne*

    Obviously echoing everyone else here, but I really want to stress that LW1’s partner’s behaviour and reaction is NOT normal. You handled the work situation fine, and more importantly, you handled it in the way that you believed was best, because it was yours to handle.

    What your partner is doing is domestic abuse, no ifs or buts, and it’s really alarming that it’s escalated to physical abuse. I know sometimes it’s hard to see when you’re in the thick of it, but please take on board all the excellent advice here. Please make a plan to get out safely, and good luck. I hope there’s an update from you in a few months or years to say that you’re out of the relationship and doing great.

    Reply ↓
  15. hazel herds cats*

    LW1, please call 1-800-799-7233, the national domestic violence hotline (also at thehotline.org) now. Today.

    You can build a life in which you come home every day to a home that is a sanctuary.

    We can help. Please call.

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  16. Bob*

    Black Jesus.. my partner physically abused me because he didn’t like how I handled a situation at work.

    Get safe and get gone!

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  17. mcdonalds grimace*

    Lw1 I know others have answered this thoroughly but I would like to join the chorus of voices supporting you – I wish you all the best. <3

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  18. BritishGirl*

    LW1 here.
    Thank you all for your comments. I am fully aware that this is a domestic violence situation and told him immediately, all throughout the confrontation that he was being abusive and I haven’t let that go. We have since discussed the matter calmly and I explained how his behaviour was completley and totally unacceptable and he completely agreed with me. I explained abuse is a total deal breaker and something he can’t really come back from, we are taking some time apart, and I have plenty of friends around me to go and stay with and for support.
    I’m made of pretty strong stuff and I am safe, but I thank you all for your love, support, kindness, encouragement and well wishes.

    Reply ↓
    1. Jill Swinburne*

      So glad to hear that! I hope you stay safe and things look up for you very very soon. Wishing you all the best.

      Reply ↓
    3. Bananapants Modiste*

      LW1: A somewhat longer comment of mine was lost, but I am glad to hear you are OK.

      I agree it will be very hard, perhaps impossible, for your partner to repair the relationship.
      In the original letter, he gave off a vibe of ownership of your person, which Not Good.

      As I remarked in a different post, people have reasons to be how they are.
      You already said your partner came from a difficult background, and that may have shaped his reactions.

      This is not to excuse him – if he resorted to DV in a relationship, he needs help.
      But he doesn’t need you to pummel and control.

      Please continue taking care of yourself.

      Reply ↓
      1. BritishGirl*

        Thank you. Very difficult reading some of the comments, but I really appreicate your comment as it mirrors how I feel entirely.

        Reply ↓
    4. Insert Clever Name Here*

      So good to hear this! As you said, this isn’t something he can come back from. Sending internet hugs and best wishes that your new job is fantastic in every way.

      (LW1* for those who search)

      Reply ↓
    5. Myrin*

      You sound awesome and very admirable, OP #1, both in how you dealt with the original work situation and how you’re doing now. I’m sure you’ll be coming out of this in exactly the way and with the exact result you’ve wished for – easier said than done as an outsider, I know, but there’s something so confident and strong about your words that I can’t be convinced otherwise.
      All the best to you and best wishes for you new job as well!

      Reply ↓
    6. Irish Teacher.*

      Thank you for updating us. It’s good to know that you are safe. You sound like an amazingly strong person who dealt with this situation fantastically.

      And I’m glad he realised his behaviour was unacceptable.

      Reply ↓
    7. ReallyBadPerson*

      I’m very glad you are out! I say this as the mother of an abuse survivor: Do not go back unless your partner gets counseling and exhibits sustained behavioral changes. My daughter made that mistake once, and the abuse got much worse.

      The only real apology is made with actions, not words.

      Reply ↓
    8. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

      I’m glad that you’re safe and have a good support network. Please take care of yourself.

      Reply ↓
  19. bamcheeks*

    LW4, “stepped up to cover maternity leave for more senior position” is really common in the UK, and the challenge of how to step back down is also really common! Generally speaking, people either step down going, “thank goodness, your inbox is a nightmare and I don’t envy you!” or they start looking for a new job at the higher level. This is really normal and expected, and IMO one of the benefits of 9-12 months parental leave is that people get to step up and try out higher level roles!

    In terms of stepping back down— anticipate some discomfort, and think about good spaces to vent! If you need to moan about how your beautiful and sexy new processes are being undone, it’s good to have a few trustworthy friends or colleagues you can moan about it to, safe in the knowledge it won’t come back to bite you.

    But most importantly, try and internalise the idea that there is no one-to-one scale on which one of you is better and the other is worse. Most likely, both of you have some strengths and weaknesses and you approach the job differently: one of you is more organised but the other does better at the relationship side; one of you is more comfortable with the data management, and the other leans in to raising the profile of the service within the organsation or whatever. If you see changes and a different approach when the other person comes back, look at it as a learning opportunity: what are they doing better than you? What’s the impact of that? Is that something you could do differently when you get your next higher-level role? And what is the stuff that you value that they don’t, that you can start selling as your strength when you are job seeking? Basically, try and see this as another opportunity to develop on the assumption that your career is going to keep moving forward.

    Reply ↓
    1. UKDancer*

      Yes, I’ve done maternity cover at least once and it was a really good opportunity to work at a more senior post and try things out. I used it to get a more senior job in a different part of the company. So I’d recommend making sure you have a list of your achievements if you want to go for something more senior.

      I’d entirely agree with the other comments about venting to a friend and seeing that you both have strengths and weaknesses. Above all, be pleasant and professional to your returning colleague and welcome her back so you look professional.

      Reply ↓
    2. CL*

      I’m curious if it is normal to receive the higher level pay while working the higher level job in the UK. Let’s not discuss the sad state of parental leave and coverage in the US. ;)

      Reply ↓
      1. Amey*

        Yes, if it’s a proper maternity cover then it’s normal to get the higher level pay. A number of my colleagues have done this, including the colleague who covered my maternity leave!

        Reply ↓
      2. Myrin*

        Not in the UK but in another country with very similar rules and laws around this topic and definitely you get the higher-level pay.

        Reply ↓
      3. Lexi Vipond*

        In my (UK public sector and university) experience, 9-12 month maternity covers are often advertised like any other job – someone might take that, then start applying for permanent jobs at the higher level as it nears the end. It’s seen as a good way to get a foot in the door.

        It can be done as a secondment (where you take the job for a fixed time, but your old job is held for you), but I’ve seen that more often when people are being recruited to fixed-term projects (which might be roles at the same level, just different).

        I once covered part of my boss’s role for a shorter time (1-2 month sick leave), and I was paid as if I was on the pay grade in between us for that time (we were two grades apart usually), but I can’t remember if my grade actually changed for the period, or if I was just paid a lump sum (that definitely happened on another occasion!)

        Reply ↓
    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m recently back from a medical leave (US), and I bet the returning person feels a something like l do — a bit adrift trying to find out what intentionally changed while I was gone.

      You might knock their socks off by doing a formal turn-over document describing decisions you made (with your reasoning), procedural changes, a list of completed vs added vs ongoing projects, and questions that you deferred for her return.
      These all being things I’m still trying to gather!

      Reply ↓
  20. Myrin*

    #2, I, too, would be very interested in hearing how he’d react if you put the whole thing right back on him as the person who is now actually able to change things.

    (Also, I’m not impressed that he ranted about OP’s manager to OP! Obviously the content of what he’s saying doesn’t come as a surprise to OP who is experiencing it daily but it seems inappropriate and also plain awkward to hear such complaints about your boss through a higher-up!)

    Reply ↓
  21. Victor WembanLlama*

    #1 almost seems beyond the scope of an AAM letter. I hope LW is getting needed help, counseling, maybe even talk to a lawyer at this point.. At least they’ve moved on to better job

    Reply ↓
  22. Spicy Tuna*

    Genuinely surprised by the answer to #1. I’ve posted here more than once about a situation I had at work. I was the only female in my department. One of my clients, a man, came into the office and greeted everyone by name, except for me. He said, “hey baby”. He was older and from a different culture. After he left, my boss mentioned it and I said, “that’s just Ralph!”. My boss said he MUST address it with him, and I asked him not to because it wouldn’t go over well. Well, my boss addressed it with him, it didn’t go over well and I lost my best client. My income dried up and I left the company, after they had paid for my expensive MBA. I don’t think anyone “won” in this situation.

    I get that OP’s partner having the reaction he did may be different than a boss wanting to get involved, but to me, it’s still a MAN taking away a WOMAN’s agency! If I told my boss it didn’t bother me and that I knew my client very well, better than he knew him, and it wouldn’t go over well, WHY wasn’t MY judgement trusted? I am a grown, adult woman and can handle my own business. If the interaction bothered me, I would have addressed with the client myself, or ASKED my MALE boss to get involved. The whole situation just felt so horribly paternalistic.

    Reply ↓
  23. Pool Noodle Barnacle Pen0s*

    LW1, your partner is the man behind the toxic male feminist stereotype. You don’t have a work problem, you have a relationship problem. Avail yourself of any and all support resources you can, and get out of there. I wish you the best.

    Reply ↓

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