my coworkers have way more money than me … and they constantly expect me to shell out cash for meals and gifts

by Alison Green on January 28, 2025

A reader writes:

I work in a government agency that’s very analogous to a private sector industry (think trade vs. banking or procurement vs. real estate) and many of my colleagues have either joined us after having made plenty of money on the private side or are otherwise independently wealthy. Our senior leadership are politically appointed multimillionaires. I enjoy my work, but I seem to be one of the few who works here because I actually need the money. I have no complaints about my salary; we all make the same. However, I’m paying back student loans that won’t budge and I also have the only single income family in our department.

Generally, but especially this past holiday season, these folks have gotten deep into my pockets. To illustrate: our boss was out sick and my colleagues took up a collection to have a grossly overpriced snack basket sent to his home. I’m not just being dramatic; I made a bigger gift basket on the same theme that cost me a tenth what we paid for our boss’s present. Another colleague took some time off for a procedure and the group organized daily DoorDash deliveries until he returned. After contributing to those, I’ve had to take a serious step back from participating in things, and I worry that people are starting to think of me and stingy and antisocial.

I’m actually a very generous person and giving gifts is my love language. But I cannot afford to be wasteful. For example, to congratulate a coworker on her promotion, I made her a little gift bag with a pound of her favorite coffee and a candle I knew she’d like. But I didn’t feel comfortable giving it to her after her successor asked us each to put $50 toward a coffee- and candle-themed gift basket for her with a footnote that “I know it’s pricey, but come on, she deserves it!” I had to sit out of another colleague’s farewell lunch at a Michelin-starred restaurant. I simply can’t drop that kind of cash on a random Thursday though I would’ve happily treated him to sushi or pizza.

I did anxiously attend our self-pay “holiday lunch” (we voted on restaurants, but the most expensive one won out). I studied the menu in advance and carefully selected a semi-affordable dish (and was sure not to eat of the appetizers and whatnot that people ordered “for the table”) but when the bill came everybody just said, “You know what? It’s Christmas! Let’s just split it!” Reading the room, I felt there was no real way I could push back on that in the moment. My heart sank at first and then fully broke when one of the attendees was unable to pay — I think her card was acting up — and one of my coworkers assured her, “It’s no problem, we’ll cover you!” Sometime later, she went around offering to reimburse people and I overheard several people tell her a version of, “Oh, please! Don’t worry about it; it was just a few dollars.” It was not just a few dollars, and I pushed past my embarrassment to accept her offer as I really did need my money back.

I want to preserve my office relationships, but dropping hundreds of dollars a month doing so is simply not an option for me. What practical advice do you have for people experiencing a disposable income mismatch with coworkers who highly value team socializing and joint gift-giving?

What a crappy situation to be in! Your colleagues are being thoughtless; regardless of their own financial situations, surely they are aware that there are people in the world on much tighter budget (or who simply may prefer not to pour hundreds of dollars into work socializing and gifts, even if they could technically afford it).

A few options, depending on what you’re most comfortable with:

* How’s your rapport with your boss? Would you be willing to tell her this is posing a financial burden and ask that she step in to steer the group toward lower-cost (or better yet, free) options, or that she make it easier for people to opt out without embarrassment? If she responds with something like, “Oh, no one will mind if you don’t contribute,” you can say, “That may be true, but I’d repeatedly be the one person not participating and that doesn’t feel great for team cohesion and candidly I am concerned about being judged for it, so I’d really appreciate if it if you could address it.”

* If not your boss, is there another colleague you’d be comfortable talking to about it? A lot of people would be horrified to realize a coworker was feeling this way and would be glad to step in and redirect the group toward cheaper or free options when this comes up in the future, if you ask for their help. You might give them some specifics that would help, like steering the group toward cheaper restaurants and gifts, speaking up when someone suggests splitting a check to say “I think Jane’s portion was much cheaper than everyone else’s, let’s not ask her to cover us,” and even addressing it with the group more broadly (“this is a lot of money, let’s not pressure people that way”).

* Speak up yourself! There’s absolutely no shame — and in fact there is merit — in being the person who says, “Whoa, I’d love to go to lunch but that’s way out of my budget. Can we pick a more affordable option like X or Y?” or “I’m happy to sign a card, but I can’t afford to contribute the amount that’s being asked” or ‘“I need to ask for a separate check” (at the start of a meal) or simply “That’s not in my budget.”

I know you feel awkward about that but there is no shame in not being wealthy, even when everyone around you is! Can you mentally reframe it as doing your colleagues the solid of sensitizing them to the real world where most people don’t have their money? Or as doing a favor to the next person who’s hired who feels the way you do? Keep in mind, too, that if anyone should be embarrassed here, it’s them for how thoughtless they’re being, not you for not being independently wealthy. If you can actively embrace being the sensible, grounded person pointing out that this is bananapants money for a lot of people, you might feel better about it. And if that gets you a reputation as being especially frugal … that’s okay! Sometimes leaning into something you feel awkward about can make it a lot easier. (“Why, yes, I am very frugal! So can we go with Option B instead?”)

If you do that, there’s a chance your coworkers will just offer to cover your portion — which isn’t the outcome you want. If that happens, you could say, “I appreciate it, but this comes up a lot more than you might realize, and I don’t want to have to keep accepting someone else’s money just to be a part of our team. We’re way of out whack with how much offices normally ask people to spend on this stuff, and I’m asking that we scale it back in general, not just this time.”

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  1. Lizabeth*

    My uncle had a habit of ordering $$ stuff for the table when they went out to dinner with my parents. And he’d go “Let’s split the check!” Dad learned to ask for separate checks and shut that down. I have done the same for pay your own office meals. Nobody blinked.

    1. Sloanicota*

      Yeah, I mean, you are going to have to choose at some point, is it more important for you to keep up appearances/keep the peace, or more important to save the money? I wish both were possible, but I don’t think they are. You can speak up nicely, you can choose when to participate or not, but you probably can’t get people who live like this to stop living like this.

      1. doreen*

        I think you can probably both keep the peace and save the money – and if you do that, I’m not sure why you would care what others do. I had Lizabeth’s problem from the other side – some acquaintances didn’t ask for separate checks but when appetizers or pitchers of soda/beer were ordered for the table , they drank the beer and/or ate the apps but when it came time to pay , they wanted to pay only for what they ordered. They could have both kept the peace and saved the money if they had asked for separate checks at the beginning – or just not consumed what they didn’t want to pay for.

    3. Ann O'Nemity*

      I learned to bring cash when dining with certain people. I found it easier to say, “this is all the cash I have; it more than covers my share.”

      1. RunShaker*

        I do not understand the let’s split the check when everybody had ordered differently priced food and/or drinks. It feels like a way for person(s) that have higher bill to get everybody else to help cover for them. Is this something new in last few years? I admit, I’m older and never seen this until more recently. Still don’t see it happening in my friend group though. Also, I’m earn a comfortable salary and I have no problem eating at higher $$ restaurant but a Michelin star for lunch?!?!
        I wish I had advice for OP but Alison is as always spot on. Sending internet hugs.

        1. doreen*

          It works fine in a group where everyone has agreed to it which is typically not one where there’s much of a difference in the bill and or it’s not always the same person who spends the most or the least – maybe I spent $10 more this time, but I might spend $10 less next time. I’m 61 and I’ve seen this all my life so I don’t think it’s an age thing.

          1. Alexander Graham Yell*

            Yeah, I find it is easiest for everybody if a) everybody is choosing items in a similar price range and b) everybody is ordering the same number of items (so maybe a starter + main is roughly the same as a main + dessert, and maybe we’re sharing a bottle/one person isn’t getting 4 cocktails while another person drinks water). Which effectively means it’s fine in a group of up to 4, but beyond that it’s hard to manage.

            1. UKDancer*

              Yes I regularly meet a friend for dinner and theatre and we got to pizza express (chain pizzeria). Most of the pizzas are broadly the same price and we each have a glass of wine. So its easier to split the bill down the middle because it’s usually the same amount each. If we either of us liked expensive food we’d do it differently.

            2. MigraineMonth*

              It is also easiest if a lot of dishes are shared, such as a family-style, tapas or sushi conveyer belt restaurant, or if a lot of items were ordered “for the table”. If Amy ordered five appetizers and everyone ate them, I think she shouldn’t be expected to pay for them unless she offers.

              1. Paulina*

                People who order food “for the table” and don’t expect to pay for all of it really should check first to see how much of “the table” wants it. I get to make decisions about my money; if I order appetizers “for the table” without getting agreement from others then I feel like I’m sharing something that I plan to pay for, not getting everyone else on the hook for paying for something I chose. It’s certainly worked like that for groups I’ve been with, for bottles of wine too — the people who agreed to order it are the ones paying, even if they offer it to others, and they’re intending to treat.

            3. amoeba*

              Yeah, this is how we do it. Also makes it a lot easier if you order some shared items (appetizers, a bottle of water or wine…)

          2. GammaGirl1908*

            I find that people who are thoughtless about it think everyone wants to avoid “awkward bill math,” which seems to be anything that takes more than 10 seconds to figure your share. Somehow taking more than a half a second to pay became taboo somewhere along the way.

            They also think it’s tacky to pull out a calculator. In addition, they have a horror of looking cheap, and think worrying about $20 will look like you are being cheap. There’s an element of bravado around not caring about “a few dollars” that seems to drive a lot of this.

            Of course, the flip side is that you end up punishing people like the LW, who is well within her rights to want to protect her pocketbook.

        2. AnotherOne*

          my friends and i do it because it’s easier at restaurants but we’ve been friends for a long time and generally adjust things around after.

          whoever ordered more covers more or all of the tip. maybe they pay for drinks the next time we meet up. stuff like that.

        3. Lenora Rose*

          Times it’s easier:

          – everyone is sharing appetizers or desserts, or there’s a bottle of wine for the table, or any combo of the above.
          – everyone’s main course/drink is within a few dollars.
          – it’s known ahead of time that someone can’t pay their share and is being treated by the table. (So the bill is being split 4 ways for a table of 5.)

          There are, I think, more times it’s a bit unfair. Sometimes the unfairness matters, sometimes not. In the case above, it mattered to the letter writer.

          1. GammaGirl1908*

            Re splitting the check being easier:

            Yes, but sometimes “easier” isn’t the main goal. There are a lot of times that the easy way isn’t the best or right way. Of course it’s easier for everyone to just pay $40, but the person whose meal cost $12 is the victim of easy vs best.

            Of course, there are issues with everyone paying their share as well. There’s always the person who’s a cheap tipper, or the jerk who always conveniently forgets his soup or salad, or the one who leaves early and leaves less than they owe, or the challenges of the split appetizer.

            But anyone who immediately wants to split because it’s so much easier really needs to eyeball the bill and see whether everyone’s check would be within a few — like $5 — dollars before breezily declaring it the best way to go.

        4. L*

          Usually it’s a convenience thing when everyone is ordering pretty similarly priced meals or if you dine out with these people frequently, such as close friends, and it usually evens out. Because sometimes waiters won’t give 15 different checks and people don’t always have exact change and it can become a mess of exchanging cash between several parties just to make up for $3 or $4. But it’s not meant for situations where people are ordering very differently priced things. And if you’re ordering very differently priced things, you’d better be the person with the cheapest meal if you’re volunteering everyone at the table to split the check.

        5. Sashaa*

          Lunches are often WAY more affordable than dinners at Michelin star places – they often do set lunch menus.

          Obviously still way above lunch at a neighbourhood Italian and far more than I’d spend on a work meal, but three courses for under $100, as opposed to over $250. Plus far less obligation to drink at lunch, so no expensive bottle of wine.

          1. Frieda*

            Ouch, it would be a cold day in heck before I’d be happy to spend even “under $100” on a work lunch. Unless “under $100” means $35? I think it probably can’t mean that though.

            I have no ill-will toward people who can afford or have prioritized very expensive food. More power to them! Maybe they would regard some of my financial choices in a similar light: not for them, but good for me. But regarding a work lunch that costs what, $80? as reasonable is far outside of my experience. I’d be really irritated to have that sprung on me like a jump scare in the middle of other holiday expenses like buying gifts for people I love or traveling to see family.

            1. Nobby Nobbs*

              It’s amazing how relative wealth is. I get to thinking of myself as pretty well off, because in my circles I am, then somebody says “under $100” about one person’s worth of food for something that isn’t even a special occasion-special occasion and I’m like “oh.”

              1. amoeba*

                This, but also priorities! If you’re a foodie, 80 $ for a great place you’ve always wanted to try but couldn’t afford at their regular prices might actually be a great deal. Like, idk, seeing their favourite artist in concert for somebody who’s into music. Etc. But if you’re not into fine dining, that might seem absurdly expensive even though you could theoretically afford it.
                I, for instance, have a good but by no means excessive salary, and eating out and travel are both really high on my list of priorities – so for me, it would probably be fine. But forcing somebody to pay that amount of money for something they didn’t chose for themselves – not cool, unless we’re talking millionaires or something.

                1. Sashaa*

                  Yeah I would definitely not spend that on a work lunch. But maybe a special birthday or anniversary.

            2. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

              I’m with @Frieda. I can’t imagine spending that much money for dinner out, much less a work lunch. (I mean that; dinner out for my husband and me is like Red Robin or Applebee’s. If a place costs much more than that, we simply don’t eat there.)

              As far as I’m concerned, grown ass adults should be able to understand that not everyone has the same amount of disposable income. Anyone who is unfamiliar with that concept needs to get familiar with it. That is all.

        6. Frosty*

          It feels like a more old-fashioned way to approach cheques to be honest. I think it’s mostly an American problem. In Canada, at least, we have the ability to have the dining cheques split up all sorts of ways*. It feels like in the US, people more often have to do the math of dividing up a bill and allocating costs, which some people find gauche or onerous.

          *even things like appetizers shared by 3 people (for example) you’ll see it split 3 ways on each persons bill (if asked for)

          1. Saturday*

            We can do that in the U.S. too, but it’s usually more onerous for the server and sometimes avoided for that reason. I also think with a group of friends, sometimes splitting the bill equally feels… friendlier? Like everyone’s sharing a meal together and not getting caught up in counting things out to the last dollar. I don’t know… I prefer to just pay for my own meal. Certainly for a work meal, the practice of splitting equally seems way out of place.

            1. Wayward Sun*

              Some restaurants actually limit the number of checks per table for that reason — it takes up too much of the server’s time.

              2. fhqwhgads*

                Tell me you don’t understand how the tipped minimum wage works in the US without telling me you don’t understand how the tipped minimum wage works in the US.

              3. COHikerGirl*

                Oof. As someone who was once a server and had the ability to split checks, this is not accurate. Depending on how the restaurant is, if there are lots of seats, you could be hogging a terminal making it harder for everyone else to do their jobs. My place had 4 terminals total. I once had to split a check (they changed their minds at the end, I had asked prior) between 12 tickets. Adults were seated separate from the kids so it was completely jumbled. It took forever, the table was annoyed (and I got less than 10% overall from that very large group), and my coworkers were down a terminal.

                Also, not everyone tips 20%. I was a server awhile ago and 10% was about the average. Even today online so many people grumble about paying 20% and still think they shouldn’t tip at all. I’ve been out with friends and added more to my tip to cover my friends being cheap.

            3. Colette*

              In Canada, it’s pretty much the default. If I went into a restaurant with my colleagues, the server would assume the bill had to be split, and we’d have to speak up if someone was paying for someone else.

          2. amoeba*

            I mean, here in Europe, the way it typically works is you get one check, the waiter leaves for a bit, then comes back and everybody tells them how much they’d like to pay (so, say, the check is 200 and I’ll say “55, please”). So, in the end the process is the same, whether you decide to just add tip and divide by four, or whether everybody whips out their calculator and adds up their own portion. Asking for separate checks isn’t super common here in Switzerland and I do get that it takes longer and is annoying, but this way usually works fine!

          3. But what to call me?*

            Maybe it’s just the part of the US I live in, but almost every restaurant I’ve ever been to with another adult asks whether we’ll be splitting the check before bringing it.

            1. But what to call me?*

              And by splitting the check I meant to write whether we will be on separate checks or together. Apparently I’ve read that phrase too many times now.

        7. Overthinking It*

          Yeah, “splitting the check is almost always a rotten idea, unless it’s only a couple ofvprople who have ordered essentially the same thing. Separate checks is fair and reasonable, someone offering to treat is hospitable and generous. “Splitting the check” has no positive adjectives to attach – no, not even convenience. (Someone has to get change for their cash, amor the staff still has to run zillions of credit cards (or both) or their’s lots of awkward vendor g/selling going on. It’s never simple.) “Splitting the check” should be dropped forever from polite (and impolite, for that matter) society, IMHO.

          1. KateM*

            Yeah, “let’s spilt the check” essentially means “lets make people who ordered less to pay more than their share”. Unless it is a family-sized pizza or some other food that is shared by everyone, just pay your own bill!

            1. Hey, I'm wohrkin heah*

              And the tax really adds up, which nobody remembers or takes into account. Cash is my best friend for the work lunch.

          2. MK*

            I have never found it to be so. Where I live, the prices of the dishes in each restaurant are mostly in the same price range, regular alcohol isn’t that much more expensive than soft drinks, any taxes and a service charge are added automatically, so we round up to leave a small tip and split the check. I have no issue with each paying for their own if someone wants it that way, but whenever we have done that, each person’s share came within a euro or two of everyone else. Occasionally someone will order something more expensive, or more that everyone else, and they always pay the extra charge without prompting.

            I would point out that situations like OP describes don’t often happen organically; she had to pay much more than she consumed specifically because she ordered less, and that was because she couldn’t afford the restaurant.

            1. GammaGirl1908*

              I agree that the real root of this specific issue is that the restaurant / occasion was out of LW’s budget. This does sometimes happen organically, though. Sometimes one person is a big eater and one person isn’t. Sometimes one person drinks and one doesn’t. Sometimes one person just gets a much more expensive dish. Or, as happens to me often, sometimes I end up out with a friend and their kid, so splitting the check means I am paying for 1.5 people.

              But in all cases, the person NOT getting the short end shouldn’t be the one suggesting the split, or should have an equally easy solution in mind to even out the expenditure. It’s a secondary issue that LW’s conveniently unobservant colleagues have no clue that LW would prefer to economize beyond what they are doing as a group.

              1. anonymous greek*

                Of course it does happen, but I live in an almost exclusively “split the check” culture and it’s odd to me to hear how dreadful it is to split the check. I have never gone out with someone who ordered an unusually expensive dish/ate significantly more/was the only one who drank alcohol/etc, who didn’t offer to pay more immediately. Or a parent who expected their kid to “not count” when splitting the check!

              2. Media Monkey*

                if i was with a single friend and my kid, we would never split the bill equally. that’s not how it works.

            2. New Jack Karyn*

              “regular alcohol isn’t that much more expensive than soft drinks”

              I have not found this to be the case. Possibly it’s different here in the States.

              1. allathian*

                It’s very different in the US, and also in Finland where I am.

                Here splitting the check is standard, while tipping isn’t. If people tip, it’s because they pay cash and round up to the nearest ten euros or something. Prices on menus always include sales tax (VAT) and a service charge. Tipping is rare because generally the server isn’t allowed to keep the tips. In most cases they’re shared with the whole shift, but a restaurant owner has the right to keep them.

                When I was an intern in Spain and we had parties in the apartment I shared with 6 roommates, a standard mixed drink there was calimocho, a mix of cheap red wine and a cola-flavored fizzy drink like Coke or Pepsi. Without exception, the soda was significantly more expensive than the wine, which came in cartons like milk or juice. Obviously the wine was cheap plonk, practically undrinkable unless you mixed it with something else. And that sort of wine wasn’t sold in restaurants anyway.

            3. But what to call me?*

              Alcoholic drinks are certainly more expensive than drinking water (which I drink because I prefer it, not to reduce costs), which is one way it can happen organically. We also have multiple restaurants around here that serve a $12 hamburger on the same menu as a $30+ steak, plus $5-10 desserts that some might want while others don’t. If everyone really does have bills within a few dollars of each other then splitting the check is perfectly reasonable, but it’s in no way unusual for people to end up with very different meal prices just because they have different food preferences or are more or less hungry that day.

        8. Nightengale*

          Definitely older than a few years. Especially when restaurants wouldn’t always let 2 people pay with cards as easily. When I was in college (90s) an acquaintance called it the karmic pizza plan. If this time I paid a few extra dollars towards your pizza and next time you paid a few extra, it all evened out in the end. So it would be easier to just alternate paying or split it than to work out a few dollars here and there, and what if someone didn’t have the small bills of cash on them and etc. But the plan only works when it really is a few dollars and evens out over time.

          1. Orora*

            I do this with close friends. A few bucks here or there is no big deal between us. And even then, if someone has 3 cocktails and someone else just has soda, the people who drank the cocktails will chip in more to cover themselves.

            But I’d never do that with work colleagues. If the company isn’t footing the bill, everyone pays for their own meals so they can control their own total.

        9. iglwif*

          This appears to be an American thing — I’ve heard of it from USian friends and seen it mentioned here at AAM repeatedly, but I have absolutely never, here in Canada, had anyone suggest splitting the bill evenly when everyone ordered different things.

          There are 2 standard approaches for group meals here: (1) 1 person pays, either because it’s a work meal and they are the senior person or because they are hosting a social gathering — for instance it’s quite common for out-of-town visitors to treat their hosts to a meal out — or (2) everyone pays for what they ordered (and their portion of any shared items).

          If you order the veggie burger and a Coke and I order truffle fries, cedar plank salmon, crème brûlée, and a half-litre of expensive wine, and then I suggest we split the bill evenly, both you and the server would be astonished and think I was taking advantage of you. (And they’d be right!)

          1. Lisa*

            That kind of astonishment is also the reaction you would get in that situation among most (normal) social groups in the US (a contributing factor to why OP is writing in here).

            The times I think splitting is more common are bar situations where everyone’s just having beers and splitting a bunch of communal apps. Even then, there’s a Parks and Rec episode centered around Ann trying hard to show everyone at a work happy hour that she’s not drinking in case anyone else tries to split the check evenly (the joke being that doing so would be a silly suggestion).

            1. Lisa*

              The other reason this may be seen more in the US is because of tax (which is often included in the listed price in many other countries; it’s not here) and tip. When you ask people to just pay for what they had, they’ll often forget to put in enough to cover tip and tax. This is incredibly common, like at least one person per group always forgets this in my experience.

              1. MigraineMonth*

                Eating out with a group in high school was awful for this reason. People would always have to leave early and leave exactly enough money for their food (not deliberately, I don’t think, we just weren’t used to paying the check), and whoever was left would have to pay the entire tax and tip.

              2. iglwif*

                I don’t think it’s because of added taxes or tipping, because both are just as standard in Canada as in the US (at least in restaurants).

                It may however be more common to use cash in the US! Paying in cash is increasingly rare here, but I definitely remember running into the problem you describe back in the 1990s, when I was young and used to go to the pub with friends after rehearsal on Monday nights. A lot of us paid in cash back then and someone always had to kick in an extra $5 to make sure the server got a decent tip.

                You could smoke in bars back then, too. Super gross.

            2. doreen*

              Splitting is also common where there’s only a dollar or two difference between the most expensive and least expensive order. Whether it’s burgers that are $14- $16 or steaks that are $64- $66.

              1. iglwif*

                It does make more sense in that situation for sure. I still don’t really get why doing the math to split it evenly is easier than just charging everyone for what they ordered, but at least it’s not wildly unfair!

                1. fhqwhgads*

                  One thing I didn’t think of earlier – and which is clearly NOT what’s happening in the letter – but it’s a not-uncommon thing for some jerks to, say, take the price of their main meal, ignore the part where they ate some of a shared app, some of a shared pitcher/bottle, ignore tax, ignore tip, leave some sort of exchange change that actually undercuts their portion, and leaves. If you know you have a group who regularly undercounts their share, leaving one person to make up the difference, which again, should not happen in a business meal, and is an all around shitty thing and why keep on going out to eat with people like that at all… but anyway, “let’s split evenly” is often a strategy for preventing that from happening. But it is only logically employed when everyone’s share is probably close. And by close I mean a couple bucks difference.

                2. MK*

                  Come on, that’s obvious. If the bill (all of it, tax and tip included) is 150 euros for 5 people, it’s definitely easier to do the math of 150:5=30, than to add what each person ordered from themselves, subtract each individual order from the total, then split the remaining amount (evenly? according to the rest of the order? try to figure out who ate what from the shared appetizers?) and then add that to each total! Each paying their own is only easier if the restaurant can do separate checks.

                3. iglwif*

                  @ MK — I have literally never been to a restaurant that couldn’t or wouldn’t do separate bills … at least, not in the past two decades.

          2. Hush42*

            There is a whole episode of Friends about it. But personally I have only been subject to it a few times in life.
            As someone who is very budget conscious I will always push back against that suggestion. Especially because I don’t drink. I don’t begrudge anyone who does, but I am not paying for it.
            Once I went out to dinner with 2 of my friends who each had a child with them and one of the friends mom. They each ordered meals for themselves and their kids and the mom and I each ordered our own meals. I think I also ordered an app for the table. My total, even including the app, was about $25. However, I happened to have $50 gift card to the restaurant so I told friends about that and they thanked me, looked at the bill, subtracted $50 from the total, and then proceeded to tell us that the remainder was something like $100 and that we should just split $100 by 4 and then we’d all owe $25. I pointed out that I had just contributed $50 toward the bill and that I was not going to effectively still pay for my own meal and just give them the gift card toward their food. So then same friend proceeded to tell us that each of the 3 of them owed $33. To which I pointed out that they each purchased 2 meals while friends mom only purchased one and it isn’t really fair for her to have to pay for parts of both of their children’s meal (I’ve known her since I was a teenager and am very aware that she struggles financially). So then friend who kept coming up with numbers asked me how I thought it should be split then? I ended up doing the math for them based on what they actually purchased. If it had been a difference of $2-$3 I wouldn’t have cared but it definitely wasn’t.

            1. Freya*

              … They wanted you to pay $75 ($25 cash, $50 gift card) while they paid $25 each? What.

              (if you allocate each kid a value of 0.5x an adult, then there were 5 adult-equivalents at the meal. Split evenly, that’s $30 per adult-equivalent (adult+kid = $45). If you’re using the whole of the gift card and not getting reimbursed for the extra you’re using on the bill, then there’s 4 adult-equivalents (5 minus you) to split the remaining $100 between, which splits evenly to $25 per adult-equivalent, or adult+kid = 1.5*$25 = $37.50 and adult!alone = $25)

          3. Jennifer Juniper*

            I am American, fifty years old, and have eaten in restaurants literally thousands of times in my lifetime. I have never run into “let’s split the check evenly.” Of course, I forestall this by asking for separate checks ahead of time. If someone proposes this and whines at me when I stand my ground, Mx. Whiner is never getting invited to eat out with me again.

          4. No Name Brand Commenter*

            Yes, here in Canada, even when I have gone out to eat with huge groups where the payment might be complicated (eg. a kids sports team with parents and siblings, where most adults will be paying for at least one kid but possibly more, and maybe for one of the other adults too) the server will ask at the beginning who will be paying for whom, notes it down, and then brings the bills to the people who are paying at the end of the meal, with no suggestion whatsoever that this is an extra burden on them. It’s just the standard thing that happens. (And in smaller groups or pairs they just ask at the end before they bring the bill “separate or together?” and either answer is fine. As is splitting the cost of shared items and not others). It’s always so weird to me that this is a big issue in the US. (Then again, our servers don’t make less than the standard minimum wage either.)

        10. Person from the Resume*

          It is easier than figuring out who got what a lot of the time. It’s easier when you’re splitting appetizers; although, the restaurant can offer split appetizers when figuring the check. Some restaurants will straight up say they don’t offer split checks for large tables.

          It’s often doesn’t even out when some people are drinking pricey alcoholic beverages and other drink water or soda.

          It’s done in groups by people who do not have money problems.

          I witnessed is go bad for someone who I know was trying to not spend much but then did partake of appetizers for the table so when it became let’s split the check by X people, they felt obligated to pay the split. There was another couple who very consciously did not partake of share appetizers and just paid for what they ordered. But really when someone started saying “let’s get 3 of X and 3 of Y appetizers for the table” it was obvious how paying the check was going to end up. It was a generous loving person who doesn’t worry about money so they’re happy to generous with their friends figuring it’ll even out in the end.

          There should be no shame in saying, I want to pay for what I ordered. I will do this since I do not drink alcohol and drinks can through off a roughly fair split when the food seems equal.

          1. Proofin' Amy*

            There is a really neat app called Plates where you take the bill and put each item on a person’s virtual plate; it also allows you to split items across multiple people. Then it figures out what people owe, including tax and tip. It was super useful along with Splitwise on a friends’ trip. Most people I know who aren’t me or my family are terrible at math, so this really helps.

          2. iglwif*

            It’s been at least 15-20 years since I last ate at a restaurant that didn’t automatically split the bill. The server comes to the table with the little machine, and you pass it around the table and pay for whatever portion of the bill belongs to you (plus tip). If you have a big group and only half of you are participating in the bottles of wine, or something like that, you might have to clarify to the server, but the POS software does a very good job of figuring this stuff out.

            “it’s easier for the server to split the bill equally” and “an even split is easier for us to figure out” stopped being reasonable excuses a very long time ago.

            1. Seashell*

              I’m an American, and I’ve never been to a restaurant that automatically brought separate checks, but I have seen it done on request.

              How do the Canadian servers know who is who in what group? Maybe two people are a married couple and don’t need separate checks. Maybe 4 people are 4 separate checks or two couples or one couple plus two non-coupled people.

                1. iglwif*

                  If people split appetizers or a bottle of wine or whatever, you just tell the server how many ways to split it. Ordering appetizers “for the table” generally results in them all being split across everyone’s bill.

                  Servers are used to this and don’t consider it a strange or inconvenient request — the POS system knows what to do.

              2. doreen*

                I’ve been to places in the US where the tablet on which the order is taken automatically separates the order/check by seat 1, seat 2 etc – even if separate checks are not requested. If people want separate checks, each person get their own – after all, if my husband and I each get a separate check it doesn’t prevent us from paying them together. No idea how they would do shared appetizers or bottles of wine , though.

              3. iglwif*

                Each person has a number, and if a few people are paying together, you tell the server that and they do something magical with the little machine. The default is separate bills, but you can combine them.

            2. Elizabeth West*

              Depending on where you’re going, a Michelin-starred restaurant or some other place that could be considered fine dining has probably had much more unreasonable requests from wealthy patrons.

              Plus part of the experience of a place like that is the service. It’s not like Joe’s Truck-Stop Diner where Mabel with a wrinkled uniform and circles under her eyes from covering two shifts will tiredly say, “You wanna split the check eight ways? You gonna split the tip too? We don’t do that here, sweetheart.”

              1. Incomplete Marshmallow*

                My worst memory for that thiugh was at a high end restaurant attached to a business hotel in Boston. This restaurant was going for an upscale steakhouse vibe that was completely ruined by all their sports bar TVs.

                Anyways, I was there for a convention with a group of 8, and was eyeballing the prices that were much higher than my budget was comfortable with, and they not only insisted that they couldnt do separate checks (when asked in advance) , they also insisted that they could only process 2 credit cards per table.

                Im sure their target clientele in their eyes was “marketing type with expense account” but their actual clientele was “business traveler on a per diem or needing to submit receipts for meals”. Very out of touch.

                I had almost no US cash on me as I was flying out the next morning , and so I and two others in the group bailed and went to eat elsewhere at that point. Which screwed the server because knocking the group down to 5 people brought it under the restaurant’s service charge threshold, so when they continued to be snotty about even 2 credit cards and otherwise provide rude service their tip ended up plummeting to match.

                2. Elizabeth West*

                  Also yeah, I had that happen at the restaurant in the middle of the forecourt at the British Museum — I couldn’t afford it so we all bailed. The restaurant was extremely nice about it, though. And my friends didn’t push me to stay.

          3. Lilo*

            yeah, if you don’t want to pay for appetizers, you need to speak up when appetizers are being ordered and say that you won’t eat any

        11. HonorBox*

          I’ve done this a couple of times with friends, but always in a situation in which it is discussed in advance, and with friends with whom I’m very close. One instance I remember is when my family was out with my college roommate’s family. Rather than expect the server to keep track of which kid belonged to which parent, we just agreed to split the check evenly. He has one more kid, so when we grabbed a beer later, he picked up that check to balance the scales.

        12. Momma Bear*

          I agree. Unless most of the items are the same and everyone is reasonably equal, this is unfair to the people who choose a salad over a steak. I think a bit part of the issue is that these people operate in a bubble and don’t realize that LW is outside it.

        13. Decidedly Me*

          Everyone splitting the check is super common among my partner’s work friend group (these are personal meals, usually with significant others, not work lunches). Everyone is highly compensated and no one cares if they end up paying more than they ordered. It’s not uncommon for people to offer to pay for the group from time to time, too, so paying more sometimes evens out. As someone who has been very broke for long periods of life, it’s weird to me, but it works for everyone involved.

        14. Not your typical admin*

          I think it actually originates from the pre computer days at restaurants, when separating out checks could be much more difficult. Now, it seems to be an easy process at most restaurants. The only difficulty I see is when appetizers or something is ordered for the table. My friend group always splits checks, and we usually wind up taking turns getting appetizers so no one is paying every time.

          1. Qwerty*

            I was surprised to have to scroll this far to see this, as getting separate checks was difficult even 10yrs ago. Attempts to split manually meant people would add up the price of their meal but neglect to factor in tax and tip, so the person putting down the credit card would be stuck overpaying.

            1. iglwif*

              I remember having that experience … in the 1990s, maybe early 2000s. Back when the server used to take your credit card away in a little folder and bring it back with a pen, and you had to calculate the tip in your head and write it down on both copies of the bill.

              None of that happens anymore in Canada — does it still in the US??

              1. OP*

                Very much so. And that’s exactly how it went down at the holiday lunch I mentioned. Oh, and the server was quite snippy about separate checks; essentially warning us at the outset not to even try it.

                2. Hey, I'm wohrkin heah*

                  Guessing DC place that’s stuck in the 90’s? That dog wouldn’t hunt in my neck of the woods. Anyway, I’m betting someone else at your office also wants out of the high spending, even if they can technically afford it, and will support you if you start standing firm.
                  Good luck, awkward situation at the beginning but after a couple of lunches or whatever most people will forget about it or get used to your new normal.

              2. But what to call me?*

                Almost all restaurants I go to (US) still do credit cards like that, but none of them have problems putting everyone on separate checks. They just ask if everyone is together or separate and then bring however many little credit card folders with separate bills are required. It’s not complicated at all unless for some reason they merged everyone’s orders together from the beginning. Customers do have to figure out the shared appetizer situation on their own, though.

        15. TechWorker*

          As well as it working well when there’s not much difference in the amounts paid, I would guess it also works well if you happen to be in a group where everyone is rich, can more than afford the meal and is choosing what they order based solely on what they fancy and not what they can afford. I’m not sure I will ever reach that mindset unless I like, win the lottery or something (& even then I would definitely be aware of people having different budgets!!) but perhaps if you are minted & hang out with a lot of rich people so you never had to think about it you might end up there.

          1. amoeba*

            I mean, I’d say it depends on the prices to salary ratio! I’ll happily do that at, like, a bar or café, even if there’s a “large” discrepancy between, like, 3 € and 7 €. Maybe still at a pizza place if it’s Margherita vs. Frutti di Mare or something. *Definitely* not when it’s veggie pasta vs. Wagyu steak at a Michelin star restaurant!

        16. Grenelda Thurber*

          I ran into this a lot in the early 1990’s with a large work/friend group. The main issue was that I didn’t drink at the time, and the people I was hanging out with loved wine. Bottles of wine add up quickly. I typically shut down “let’s split the check,” but that often devolved into “OK, everybody put in what you think you owe” and people didn’t add enough to cover tax and tip. That was before restaurants would happily split checks, so it was really frustrating. I just started making sure I had cash in small bills so I could put in exactly what I owed, and declined any “OK, everybody put in another $5” requests. Modern technology has made splitting checks so much easier, I had forgotten how much of a pain it used to be.

        17. fhqwhgads*

          It only makes sense when
          A: a significant amount of what’s ordered is being shared by everyone (not just appetizers)
          B: everyone agreed to it up front
          OR
          C: the person suggesting “just split it” would otherwise owe the least, and is basically offering to partially cover everyone else

          The only time I’ve ever suggested an even split is when what I really wanted to do was treat everyone, but got shot down, and offered even split as a secondary alternative. But even then, that wasn’t a work thing. It was a social thing. LW’s coworkers are serving “I mean, it’s one banana, Michael. What could it cost? $10?”

        18. Language Lover*

          It’s not new. I was in the exact same scenario as the lw 20 years ago. It was a department outing for the holiday at work. Half the group (and their spouses) ordered salads. The other half ordered drinks and expensive meals and yet we somehow ended up ‘splitting the check.’

          It doubled what I owed but I didn’t feel like I could push back because I was so brand new.

          I know for a casual friend get-together, not wanting to split the check is sometimes seen as penny-pinching.

        19. All het up about it*

          There was a Friends episode about it a couple of decades ago – so no, not a new thing.

          Sometimes I think it happens more because some restaurants don’t like to do separate checks, but will just split a single bill into multiples. Which seems silly. I think it also happens to some people as they get older and make more money, they think that everyone is that way. When the truth is not everyone makes more money and even those that do might have expenses. It us unfortunately more socially acceptable for a college student to say “I can’t afford to go out” etc. than it is a working professional it seems.

          I feel for the OP because this stinks so bad. At least in normal government jobs you have more people who are making the same salary as you and are also in the same socioeconomic bracket.

        20. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I’d almost rather just pay for everyone (if I can) than watch someone order that extra bottle of wine (but I am eating an appetizer) and then they say, ‘let’s split it up’. If I know I’m paying for all of it, I’ll order *me* more wine and not feel bad about it. Also, if I’m paying (when possible) I can pick a lot cheaper place.

        21. Media Monkey*

          i do it regularly with a group of friends. but we go out often enough that someone ordering a higher priced steak will be made up for by ordering a cheaper pasta next time. and everyone tends to drink the same or similarly priced drinks. occassionally someone will be driving but generally will order mocktails which will be comparably priced to a share of a bottole of wine/ prosecco. most importantly, we have all had a say in the restaurant choice (on the lower side of mid priced) and none of us are scrimping to afford it. i cannot imagine being as oblivious as these coworkers to someone being clearly uncomfortable with the idea of splitting the bill.

      2. been there two*

        Cash is a great strategy, just be prepared for more helpfulness like “I’ll cover your share and you can just pay me back.” To which you say, “no thanks, I covered my meal.” Any follow up can be shut down or ignored. That kind of decision has to be made BEFORE we order food. And I don’t drink so I’m not covering anyone else’s cocktails.

    4. Beth*

      I think this being work instead of personal makes it harder to self-manage, though. In my experience, rich people genuinely do forget that this kind of thing is a hardship for other people–and a lot of them get uncomfortable fast if you make them confront their thoughtlessness, and at least some will end up thinking of YOU as the cause of their discomfort. In a social situation, it’s fine if someone stops hanging out with me because they can’t handle me reminding them that everyone doesn’t have their budget–that’s not a friend I want anyways. In a work situation, though, I don’t want my team members feeling weird about being around me.

      I like Alison’s suggestion to loop OP’s boss in to help with this. That not only gets OP out of the direct line of fire, it also pulls in a person with authority to help smoothly introduce some budget limits to the team’s gifting.

      1. CeeDoo*

        I’d be so very tempted to say, “do you even realize how little you pay me?” But I wouldn’t say it. I can occasionally have tact.

        1. Lenora Rose*

          The LW has made it clear they’re *paid* the same as everyone else. This isn’t like the time the receptionist is expected to price match the C suite.

      2. Lily Rowan*

        Agreed. It was a breakthrough in my friend group when we finally told the rich wine snob that she could pick the bottle but then she’d have to pay for it herself, but there’s no way I would do that to my boss or even a coworker I wasn’t close with.

        1. blueberry muffin*

          I think the class would benefit from more details, please!

          Was your friend angry, embarrassed or otherwise upset?
          What caused you all to “finally [tell] the rich snob”?
          Did the friend group survive this interaction?
          Anything else you want to share.

      3. Momma Bear*

        LW mentioned working for a government office – what are the limits of gifting? Are these people going above the allowed dollar amount and just nobody is calling them out on it?

        1. Susannah*

          No – actually, LW said it was *like* a government office. Banking or some such thing.
          Otherwise, I doubt so many people would have family money or other resources to give such big gifts!

          1. Susannah*

            Oops, sorry – read the intro wrong. Thought it was a government-LIKE entity like banking oversight or something.

            This makes it even worse! I am amazed they are allowed to gt away with this – and more amazed there are that many people in a government job who can afford this.

      4. Csethiro Ceredin*

        Perhaps OP can lean into the idea that it isn’t inclusive to have such a high cost to belonging in the office. It’s hard to argue with someone saying they know that the organization doesn’t want to exclude anyone or make them feel othered, etc.

        1. OP*

          As of last week, pointing out things that are “not inclusive” and make people “feel othered” in my workplace would officially be considered “radical [and] woke” and could get ones name on a list that gets submitted to the White House (for goodness knows what nefarious reason). But yes, you’re exactly right.

          1. Jshaden*

            OP – I also posted further down, but if you are in fact in a United States fed gov office the level of gift giving you described is highly likely to be crossing ethical or legal boundaries in at least some of the instances. Giving your boss a get well basket almost certainly is – standard “I am not a lawyer” caveat, but you should probably talk to the general counsel / lawyer for your office. Hopefully “requesting $50 for gifts is a violation of the ethics rules / federal regulation” is still a compelling argument.

          2. Bananapants Modiste*

            “…could get ones name on a list that gets submitted to the White House…”

            Reading this made me sad. Because it might be true.

        2. Miss Pickles the cat*

          If the OP works in a US government agency, that type of talk now will probably get you on a list – and not a good one.

          1. Miss Pickles the cat*

            Apparently I should have refreshed before I posted! LOL.
            And, good luck, OP. It sounds rough now, and likely will only get worse.

            1. Susannah*

              And sorry – I stand corrected. I read the intro to be that it was a government-adjacent entity, like an advisory group (which can easily be filled with folks who have lots of $$).
              Wow, this is really bad, then!

    5. amoeba*

      Yeah, like, I like splitting the check – but only if everybody’s meals were roughly similar in price and same for appetizers/drinks/etc.! And also if everybody is comfortably well off enough to not care about a 2 € difference or something.
      If there’s a discrepancy, the only one for whom it would be OK to propose would be the one who had less – say, if everybody had a starter but me and I say “Oh, it’s fine with me to just split” – sure. Somebody else – nah.

      The situation described absolutely did happen to me as a poor student who went for the cheapest vegetarian option while everybody else was having, like, a roast and a starter and a few drinks. It hurt. And nope, my older/richer friends did not get it either.

  2. Rex Libris*

    Being one of those people who actually is stingy and antisocial (as well as not independently wealthy), I would applaud anyone who took the lead on something like this and made it easier for me to follow suit.

    1. MK*

      Unfortunately, often the person who would feel more comfortable taking the lead I something like that is the person less likely to think about it, that is, the one who is better off than the rest of the group.

    2. Maybe I'm Antisocial Too?*

      I get where you’re coming from, but as I person who is more comfortable speaking up, I would implore you (not you specifically) not depend so much on someone else to take the lead. It gets tiring. I see the comments saying how great it is when someone else does it.

      I’ve stopped dining out with people who require my labour in this regard.

  3. Caramel & Cheddar*

    Honestly, I think the first suggestion is the key one here because even if you could afford it easily, these are ridiculously pricey gifts for a workplace! Contributing $50 each for a coffee and candles gift for someone’s promotion?? (Was this one of those candles you only see online that are like $175 and you wonder who on earth is buying these until suddenly your colleagues come round with a collection envelope?)

    Maybe this is normal in the private sector, though I’m not sure that it is, but it definitely feels out of place in government, even if everyone is wealthy or a multimillionaire political appointee. The boss really does need to clamp down on this.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Also: I’d be curious if you actually have more allies in this than you think. Your colleague’s card declined because it was “acting up”, but is there a possibility that she too can’t actually afford all these high priced extras and is just hiding it well? Obviously weird tech stuff happens with cards all the time, but that line did give me pause.

      2. Not on board*

        That’s a very good point – it comes across like everyone else can afford this and/or doesn’t mind but I bet there are others who feel the same way but also feel like they’re the only ones. Once one person speaks up it will really help others to feel confident about agreeing with the OP.

        1. Myrin*

          A few days ago, I re-read the letter about coworkers making fake orgasm noises while OP was on the phone and I loved how in the update it (unsurprisingly, honestly, but not to these particular coworkers, apparently!) turned out that once OP spoke out about it, several others came forward voicing their discomfort as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case here, too.

          1. Crooked Bird*

            WAIT, WHAT

            I don’t remember that letter. Might you be so kind as to provide a link?

            B/c WAIT, WHAT

            2. Hlao-roo*

              The post is titled “my coworkers make orgasm sounds while I’m on the phone” from October 7, 2019. (Update was posted December 1, 2020.)

      3. MassMatt*

        This. It may well be that multiple people are in the same boat either due to financial circumstances (there aren’t THAT many independently wealthy people, even working in banking, let alone government adjacent to banking) or because they are uncomfortable with this amount of spending. $50 per person for a gift basket is nuts unless it’s a department of three, and even then, that’s a LOT!

        This team may have set up an atmosphere where everyone is just pretending this is OK with this when lots of people are not.

        1. GammaGirl1908*

          This is a possibility. This kind of thing happens in the first place because people hate looking like they have to think about money when others don’t by comparison, and because there’s a lot of manufactured shame around being the person in a group who has to economize. It’s an offshoot both of it being considered rude to discuss money and there being ego tied up in being flush enough to afford whatever you want without sweating it.

          Throwing down your no-limit Black Card with nonchalance is a power move in a LOT of groups (…including finance and highly compensated law and the like…).

          BUT it is possible that there really are just a few wealthy loudmouths in this group, and everyone else is just kind of going along with it. LW very likely could adjust the culture a bit by enlisting their boss in speaking up, and refusing to be shamed about having a budget.

      4. Annie2*

        I thought the same! I honestly could have written this letter, except that I did speak up – I’m a government lawyer, so many of my colleagues came from private practice. Every single birthday / holiday / life event of any kind generated a request for a collection – I just couldn’t afford it! I did quietly mention it to my manager, who spoke to the main offenders (who are lovely and generous people who just … were being a bit myopic about this issue) and it has quieted down very significantly.

      5. AnotherOne*

        yeah, all i could think reading this was- and this is why my office does blind gift giving on the rare occasions we collect for gifts.

        you want to give something great- you can zelle/venmo/drop off cash to the designated person. i typically give $10.

        i’ve been the person doing the buying of the present- some of the senior management are definitely topping off the gifts with some extra cash so people get a nice present without anyone having to shell out uncomfortable amounts.

        1. Caramel & Cheddar*

          That’s how I interpreted it, but what I meant was that because we’ve probably all experienced a card declining despite there being a positive balance on the account (e.g. you typed the wrong PIN too many times, you accidentally grabbed your spouse’s identical looking card on the way out of the house, etc.), there’s a chance it was legitimately “acting up” and typically you’d accept that explanation at face value in case your colleague was trying to save face.

          1. Dahlia*

            Sometimes when the card gets old, the chip will start to pop out and then the cardreader won’t read it anymore.

    2. honeygrim*

      It is out of place in government, at least where I work. I mean, I think there are actually ethical concerns here, especially with spending so much money “gifting up,” which may lead to an appearance of favoritism toward those doing the gifting. Maybe they think that if everyone is gifting up equally it all balances out, but the boss should be shutting that down unless they are absolutely oblivious to the optics.

      1. MsM*

        I was thinking the optics don’t look great, too. Maybe this particular division is thinking more in terms of the norms of the private sector partners they work with, but the public probably wouldn’t see it that way, even if the pricey stuff is coming out of their own pockets.

      2. Fed Analyst*

        Yeah I’d advise OP to talk to their ethics office, because I also work in government and these would be explicitly not allowed. The meals are fine since you’re paying your own way but the gifts costing $50 times however number of people? Absolutely not allowed.

      3. fhqwhgads*

        Do the gov job gift amt limits apply to coworkers in the same office? Or is that only from external sources?
        I’m asking for real because I don’t know. These amounts seem ABSURD, even if it weren’t gov employees.

        1. HonorBox*

          I said this downthread, but will chime in here to say something similar. Even if it is technically OK because it is all people internally spending money on internal people, it doesn’t look good to folks on the outside. People might wonder if they hear that everyone chipped in $50 toward a promotion gift. And certainly picking lunch at a Michelin star restaurant doesn’t look good. People – both right and wrong – get weird when tax dollars are in play. And again, I understand that people can use their own money how they want to… but people (and not just the public…elected people) might get weird if that’s the kind of lunch people are going out for.

        2. doreen*

          It depends on the government – I worked for one city government where there was a rule that supervisors could not accept more than token gifts from subordinates for yearly events but could accept larger gifts for weddings or the addition of a child. The state government allowed gifts from subordinate to supervisors as long as there was no pressure – but the original regulations prohibited me from accepting for example a cell phone discount offered to all government employees. ( eventually, the ethics office issued a regulation allowing us to accept widely available discounts)

      4. Reluctant Mezzo*

        Well, those ethical concerns don’t exist in the US any more, and ‘gifting up’ may well become mandatory.

    3. Strive to Excel*

      I was wondering the same thing. Is it a basket of Kopi Luvak coffee???

      Way overpriced and way too pricey for an office purchase.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        It’s probably just normal coffee at a price point to make rich people think it’s better than it really is.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          I really think that mindset of “more is more” is what’s at play here. “I know it’s pricey but she deserves it” is buying into the concept that it’s fun and affectionate to overspend on more than something is worth, and the pricetag is more relevant than the item. Maybe that’s a fine approach in people’s personal environments but it’s just very thoughtless pressure in professional ones.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Or it’s like…goldbelly or something, so it’s got a lot of markup and a huge delivery fee. Like, the key to several of LW’s examples were “professional gift baskets”. Especially the comparison to the similar thing she made herself buy just…buying the stuff and putting it in a basket. Some of the cost of what these colleagues are choosing to do is going through expensive “gift” delivery services. At least that’s what it reads like.

        3. MigraineMonth*

          I think that’s the actual definition of Kopi Luvak coffee.

          Though damn, I am impressed by the marketing people for that coffee. “You should pay an exorbitant price for this coffee because it’s been crapped out by weasels. You know it’s high quality, because poor workers who didn’t have access to any other coffee beans used to drink it.”

    4. whimbrel*

      >out of place in government

      Right? My gov office will do occasional expensive gifts, usually when a long-time colleague leaves for retirement or a new opportunity, but I’ve organized a couple of these and contributed to many and it’s super clear that there’s no obligation. We’re in a very HCOL area and I have definitely been the ‘sorry, not in my budget’ person in the past and I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on anyone. The most recent one I organized was for a very close work colleague of 15 years, and since I was the gift chooser I was more than happy to make up the difference myself.

      This is so outlandishly expensive that I can’t believe everyone other than OP is fine with it, I hope they do speak up to their manager about it.

      1. Mizzmarymack*

        We just saw off a beloved high level manager. And while gifts shouldn’t “flow up” this is the government so we can’t even do sandwiches and cake on an office budget.

        An envelope was passed.

        I asked the one of the organizer (a lower level employee) how much to give and she said $10 towards lunch and $5-10 for the gift. I threw in $40 and told her I was covering myself and someone else. Another manager said if she was short he could go up to $200. Even though it was only a $20 ask, I and most of the mangers put in more because we’re still civil servants in a HCOL and a ton of the work-a-day employees are packing a lunch and $20 might be too much. We don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

        We had a 90 minute lunch with sandwich platters, cake, and soda + some silly decorations. There were speeches (he has been a mentor in the industry for decades, and many of us here now worked with or across from him elsewhere 10 or 20 or 30 years ago. Some were taught by him when he was a professor!) and then we cleaned up and went back to our desks.

        Things are very different when you work for the government. I’m about to brew a cup of tea, but it’s my second to last bag so I’ll need to remember to bring more in tomorrow. That’s just how it is.

        1. Hey, I'm wohrkin heah*

          Yup, buy your own coffee and Kleenex was my last gov job. Annual holiday party was covered by managers and you bought your own alcohol. I just after my hubby’s private sector parties.

    5. Corrupted User Name*

      I’m at a point in my life and career where I could afford many of these things without feeling a pinch, but on general principle going to a Michelin starred restaurant for a lunch with coworkers strikes me as a huge waste and it’s hard to believe all well off people think that’s run of the mill.

    6. RunShaker*

      hello, been in private sector for my entire career and at higher level now and I can say with all companies I worked for it is not normal! I’m wondering if it’s due to always having money and just not realizing and/or thinking about different people they’ll be interacting with at work. I have met people along the way in professional and social settings that are totally oblivious or have negative opinions of people who make less.

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Yeah, it definitely didn’t seem normal to me for private sector in general, but the examples (and I realise they’re examples!) LW used in the letter made me wonder if they worked in a sector where the private side was used to really lavish stuff that would be normal for their industry if not normal for private sector in general (e.g. the trade/banking option where people might be used to high priced power lunches or whatever).

        1. Landry*

          That was my thought as well. I don’t know if the managers and coworkers are being intentionally thoughtless rather than innocently oblivious. If you’ve worked in this sector pretty much your whole career and your friends and family are in similar income brackets and have similar spending habits, it can be a challenge to see it from a different viewpoint. I do think LW should speak up though — it may be just a lack of awareness.

      2. ReallyBadPerson*

        It may or may not be due to always having money, but in my experience, people who amass wealth very often forgot where they came from.

    7. Person from the Resume*

      I think those dollar amounts violates federal government policy on gift giving, actually that federal employees get training on every year. (I think it’s in the ethics training about gift giving at least no splitting the check at meal.)

    8. L*

      Out of place in the private sector too. Overpriced gifts aren’t uncommon but they’d be split by like 10-50 people and you would be contributing more than $20 each MAX, more likely like $5-$10.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        This aligns with my experience in the private sector.
        More than once I worked in a place where there were high-paid people and then the rest of us making a range of not-enough – the high-paid people often would contribute 2-5x what I might (to be clear this was just understood, not pressured or expected, AND it was effectively a blind donation although as the person collecting I was privy) like a doctor throwing in a $50 bill when reception would contribute $5

    9. Box of Rain*

      100% NOT normal in the private sector. We don’t send things like that on my team, and if flowers are sent for an extended absence/illness/surgery, the cost for them come out of the team/department budget not personal ones.

      1. amoeba*

        Private sector in general no, but possibly something like Big Law or Finance, as OP says a lot of their colleagues used to work in a field similar to those? I can imagine gifts might look a little bit different in a fancy law firm than in your average company…

    10. The Giver*

      The first thing that LW needs to do is can the idea that “gift giving is my love language.” (Gawd, how I gate that phrase.) You don’t have to express “love” for office colleagues, and you’re not obligated to put together elaborate gift baskets (even homemade ones, as opposed to hamfrom Fortnums) for anyone.

      I find it very odd that LW just happened to put together a nearly IDENTICAL, if cheaper, gift basket for the promoted colleague just before the office did. There is no social expectation to shower gifts on colleagues getting promotions. All you are accomplishing by that is setting the Martha Stewart expectation, so of course others are one-upping you.

      As for the odd departure lunch, I would just politely now out. These tend to be extraordinary events, and people who can afford them will still splurge.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I also find it weird that the coworkers are giving expensive gifts to the boss. Like, no.

          (Off topic, but I want one of those hampers really bad. Fortnum is my favorite snob store to visit because they don’t treat me like a peasant. I will happily give them my money.)

      2. Momma Bear*

        Agreed. Or if LW wants to give something to a particular colleague they can say, “Oh, I already sent Jane my condolences” and then do what they want/can afford.

      3. OP*

        I suspect the reason my gift and the office gift were essentially identical is that we are colleagues, not friends. And we barely know anything about each other’s personal lives. “This person drinks coffee every day and seems to like candles” is the extent of what we know about each other’s tastes and preferences. No one knew about my gift [it was still in the trunk of my car] by the time they started hat-passing for its much fancier alternative.

        P.S. I need to can the idea that “gift giving is my love language” because gawd how you hate the phrase? Or there’s some other reason?

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Too late now, and doesn’t help with the restaurant situation, but I wonder what would’ve happened if when they started passing the hat for the same-thing gift when you literally had it in your trunk, you’d said “actually I already got them a basket with those things, do you all want to pitch in for that?” and they asked them all for, like, 2 dollars each? Or whatever that split would amount to. Don’t even need to be actively calling out how absurdly expensive their idea was. Just show up with the counterexample. Bonus points the task is already done.

          1. OP*

            I actually thought of this! But decided to just defer to the gift they’d chosen since they’ve known her longer and the tone of the “come on guys, she’s worth it” email insinuated that the recipient would have some specific attachment to this particular brand of coffee and coffee accessories.

            1. GammaGirl1908*

              Ugh. This is doubly maddening because it feeds into the types who believe that more expensive = better.

              Um, not always. Not even usually. I often say that being able to afford the most expensive just gives you more options among which to find the best.

        2. MigraineMonth*

          Maybe Giver thinks that using language that references love or family isn’t appropriate when discussing work relationships because it erodes boundaries? Or they strongly dislike the expectations around gift-giving in your office and think that you should opt out entirely?

          Personally, I think the phrase “love language” has been used enough to mean “way to express appreciation” that it no longer has strong familial or romantic connotations. I do think your office’s gift-giving expectations are over the top, even if they were at a much lower price point. I’ve only ever received gifts at the office three times in the last 15 years, and only once from colleagues (when I was out for 6 weeks after surgery). I’ve never considered giving/receiving a gift to celebrate a promotion or for a short-term illness.

          1. OP*

            But I didn’t use the language to discuss work relationships? I used it to [accurately] describe myself in order to juxtapose my actual personality with the reputation I’m concerned about gaining in the office. Based on a later comment, Giver also seems to have misinterpreted that I initiated this whole gift giving culture in the office with my “little homemade baskets” and the overspenders are merely one-upping me.

        3. Consonance*

          I think the way the commenter talked about love languages is over the top and not super helpful.

          However, I think they were likely trying to convey that the idea “love languages” has some issues. It’s pseudoscience as an idea. It’s coined by a very conservative pastor. The book he wrote has some very troubling ideas about making sure you’re constantly giving to somebody in their love language and subsuming your own needs (with the kernel of truth that taking into account the preferences of others is a helpful communication technique). It’s very focused on a very conservative idea of marriage and relationship dynamics. It also gets used in an overly simplistic way that sometimes bowls over other people’s preferences. (For example, “I know they don’t like hugs, but touch is my love language!” or “Why are they mad at me for giving so many compliments after they said I was making them uncomfortable? Words of affirmation are my love language!”)

          I *do not* think any of that is relevant to how you used the phrase. In fact, you used it as a way of explaining that you *do not* have a problem with the idea of gifts in general, but only in the way that has been enacted in your specific office culture. But it’s also good to be aware that many will hear “love language” and stop listening.

      4. Ellis Bell*

        I mean, given that OP essentially predicted the gift others would also give, implies that they absolutely DO know the social expectations at play in their work culture!

    11. LaminarFlow*

      I have worked in one of these offices, and I was the lowest paid person. Like the LW, I was paying student loans, and living on one income.

      I started just before the holidays, so I did participate in one holiday gift exchange. That $80(!) was a big portion of my entire Holiday gift budget for the people I actually wanted to buy gifts for. I realized that I was just going to have to hold my boundaries by doing all of the things that Alison & the rest of the commenters have suggested. I brought cash for group meals, and always checked out the menu before going. I asked the server for a separate check when I ordered. I also suggested lower cost restaurants so I could go. Sometimes, the group went to the lower cost place, and sometimes they didn’t. I didn’t attend anything that was out of my budget. I opted out of gift exchanges, but I attended and happily participated in team functions that were free or being paid for by the company.

      LW, you are so not alone in this! Two people started asking for separate checks after I did. You are doing a good thing by speaking up.

    12. Funko Pops Day*

      I think that pointing to the optics is also helpful– ESPECIALLY in the current US climate, “government employees take an office lunch at lavish, Michelin-starred restaurant” is a bad look, even if it’s entirely self-funded.

  4. Sloanicota*

    I’ve definitely fallen for the “let’s all just split it!!” issue more than once. It’s mostly an issue for me this month, because of dryanuary; everyone else is ordering multiple rounds while I’m sipping one (1) diet coke, and then – “let’s just split it!!” However, this is something I only fall for once. If I know the group tends this way, I’ll either decline to go with them, or declare in advance that I’m going single (and ask for my bill separate, or order at the bar, or whatever) if it matters to me. If you’re falling for this multiple times, you’ve got to be a bit more proactive.

    1. WillowSunstar*

      Yes, I simply don’t eat out anymore. If someone asks why, it’s because I’m single and have to pay rent, and am getting laid off soon.

    2. Ally McBeal*

      I always get ahead of the issue when I eat out, particularly with a group. I will happily be the one to embrace the awkwardness (both the skill and the happiness came after much practice) and tell the server up-front, when they’re taking my drink order, that we’re on separate checks. Too many people will swallow their discomfort but I’ve been too broke for my entire life to afford that.

    3. Anon for This*

      I have noticed that the person who suggests we all split it is usually the one who ordered appetizer, most expensive entree, and dessert. They are getting their colleagues to subsidize. I’ve gotten used to pushing back on this.

      1. KitKat*

        I don’t think it’s (usually) malice, though. The person ordering the most expensive stuff is the least price-conscious (i.e. most disposable income) and probably genuinely isn’t paying attention to whether others are ordering less. To them, the mental cost of doing math/bothering the server/trapping the group in discussions of which appetizers everyone ate/etc. is higher than the financial cost of paying a few extra bucks if someone else ordered more drinks than them.

        1. Paint N Drip*

          I totally agree. Yes it’s a faux-pas, and yes maybe you don’t want to be friends with someone who isn’t empathetic enough to clock it, but the “person ordering the most expensive stuff is the least price-conscious” feels dead right.

          1. emmelemm*

            And also definitely not paying attention to the cost of what everyone else is ordering, so completely unaware they’ve ordered the most expensive thing.

        2. GammaGirl1908*

          Agree with this. It’s less that they’re trying to be subsidized or take advantage of others; it’s more that they ordered without thinking about cost and so ended up with a higher bill, AND didn’t take note of whether others did the same. This is especially true when they didn’t even order the most expensive thing on the menu; they just ordered whatever from the middle of the menu, BUT someone else was consciously ordering economically.

          1. londonedit*

            Yeah, the only time it’s happened to me is when I was out with a big group for a friend’s birthday – I’d brought cash with me and was really careful to stick to my budget, because I really did not have money to spare at that point. The trouble was that everyone else had more money than I did, so they ordered accordingly, and then the birthday girl’s boyfriend declared that we should all split the bill so that the birthday girl wouldn’t have to pay, so my careful £30 budgeting became ‘It’s £65 a head including the tip, is that OK?’ Argh. But it wasn’t malicious at all – they simply had more money than I did, they weren’t used to having to hold back, it was a celebration which in their minds meant a bit of a blow-out, and they didn’t realise I’d chosen my meal very carefully so I could stick to a particular budget. Of course I didn’t want to make a fuss, so I chucked my £30 in in cash and then put the rest on my credit card.

            Thankfully nowadays my friends and I are a) mostly all on the same financial footing – none of us have much cash but we can all spend around the same – and b) we’re older and much happier to speak up among the group. The only time we split the bill equally is if we’ve all had things of roughly equal value – otherwise it’s absolutely no problem at all to say that you just want to pay for what you’ve had. Of course in a work situation it’s different, but I think the OP still needs to raise it as an issue she’s encountering.

      2. amoeba*

        Luckily, not the way I’ve seen it – people here seem to be perceptive enough to only propose it when things are more or less equal or when they’re actually the ones who end up paying a little more!

        (In other cases, I’ve also done “Oh, I had a starter and you didn’t, so I’ll do 40 and you do 30, should more or less fit?”)

    4. Hey Nonny Mouse*

      I like to ask for separate checks before group orders cuz it’s easier for waitstaff than divvying everything up afterwards. But I’m used to eating with people where the default is separate checks unless otherwise stated.

      1. Lady Lessa*

        Same here. And I am glad that some of our groups are large enough to have the tip added automatically.

        1. Hush42*

          I actually hate having the tip added automatically. I once went out to eat for a friends birthday. It was me and a bunch of her friends, some of whom I was friends with, some of whom I didn’t know. This friend tends to be on the extremely bougie side and I am decidedly not. The restaurant she picked had a wide range of items i.e. some around $10-$15 some in the $40-$50 range. I don’t particularly like this restaurant’s food so I just went with something inexpensive that I knew I wouldn’t love but I also wouldn’t hate. I also don’t drink. My friend and all of her friends did drink. The waiter initially tried to split the bill evenly across everyone until friends sister pointed out that I and one other girl hadn’t gotten any drinks and had ordered less expensive meals. So the waiter then split the checks as requested… however he left the mandatory gratuity split evenly across everyone’s check. I pointed out to him that that meant that I was paying something like a 38% gratuity on the meal and he refused to change it “because it’s company policy”. I wish I had fought it more but I am a fairly non-confrontational person and I just wanted to get out of there (there were other reasons I just wanted to leave related to the fact that I definitely didn’t fit in with the group) so I paid it but I am still salty about it.

          1. GammaGirl1908*

            In your defense, I usually accept ahead of time when I am out for a birthday, or otherwise someone else’s celebratory occasion, that I’m going to take a hit. Part of the deal with going to a birthday dinner is that you’ll suck it up on certain things in service of the birthday person’s good time.

    5. Ellis Bell*

      I always assume that when people say this, they mean “I don’t mind splitting the bill” (because they didn’t skimp on ordering usually). So even if they are saying “let’s ALL split the bill”. I just respond as though they’ve only stated their own preference; “So, I’m not going to as I have my costs worked out/ arranged a separate bill… but you can split the rest of bill among whoever isn’t doing that”. Just treat it as someone who is opting out of doing maths or being prepared, by using extra money.

    6. Danielle*

      Yeah, I once dined out with a woman who ordered several desserts while the rest of us just got one and then suggested splitting the bill evenly. Was VERY awkward for everyone else there and we all just kind of blinked at each other until someone else was willing to speak up. Now, whenever I find myself at a group meal with this woman, I ask the waiter at the start for separate checks. I know it’s probably a bit much, but I don’t forget.

  5. Myrin*

    I really like the answer’s last paragraph in particular. I would bet that your coworkers indeed don’t even really register how often this happens because it’s just peanuts to them and immediately forgettable – saying it out loud might make a big difference here (or it might not, but I do think it’s worth a try).

    1. WellRed*

      I’d like to add to this that we don’t know that it’s actually peanuts to all of them. OP is making assumptions the same way they assume OP is fine with this. One that coworker with the declined card has issues with all this spending.

  6. Powerpants*

    I do not even spend this kind of money on close friends? This is a tax for working. Yuk! I would opt out without feeling bad about it. Write a heartfelt note. Geez.

    1. CeeDoo*

      I don’t spend $50 on myself. If lunch is more than $25 or so, I don’t even try. Fortunately, I am a teacher. So when we go out to lunch, we start with separate checks from the moment we’re seated. Also, we don’t do apps, alcohol, or desserts.

  7. Venus*

    I would be very unhappy about splitting the bill evenly at the end of a meal, because it means that I’m paying a lot for a meal where I ate very little (I’d be less annoyed if they stated it at the start, because at least in that case I’d eat my share). I’d be tempted to go to the server and ask for mine to be separate, and ignore anyone who complained.

    I’m thankful that our social coordinator wants to do things cheaply because he’s mindful that everyone has a budget. Even the least well-paid coworker is paid well, so we can afford an occasional restaurant meal, yet even in those situations he finds places that are reasonably priced and most of the time we do things that are free (meet in a park near a coffee and ice cream shop for a chat).

    1. Sloanicota*

      Haha yeah when I’m with the “let’s just split it!” friends, I at least want to know that going in so that I can go for that appetizer or those drinks, since I’m going to end up shelling out either way. I do tend to only speak up if it’s a biiig difference, like I split one appetizer and a soda and everyone else had multiple courses and multiple rounds of cocktails.

    2. irritable vowel*

      I think the suggestion to speak to the server and ask to pay for your own meal separately is great. OP can even ask for a separate check when their order is being taken – the excuse can be that they think they’ll need to leave early and want to be able to settle up independently of the big group. Then when the big bill comes and everyone says “let’s split it!” OP can just say, “Oh, I got a separate check because I thought I was going to need to leave early.” Presenting it as a done deal removes any possibility of the others trying to push back on that. If anyone is curious, they’d also then be able to see that OP’s check is a lower amount than whatever the evenly divided large check comes out to.

  8. Manders*

    One of the best phrases I’ve ever learned was “that’s not in my budget right now”. I honestly never feel bad about employing it.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I wonder if there’s a fancy-person version of this … “oh, Prescot and Albany are looking at such expensive colleges, my financial fellow has been telling me I simply *must* trim back a bit if I want to join the regatta in Turks and Caicos this year!!'” (I kid).

      1. ShazamIT*

        “My money manager advised against that course of action”

        “My financial planner said we can’t spend any more of the discretionary funds this month”

        2. Caramel & Cheddar*

          These gave me a good chuckle, because you’re absolutely not wrong and I’d love to see someone level one of these at these folks.

        3. Ask a Trust Fund*

          “I don’t have a lot of liquidity at the moment so I’m trying to be conservative with my cash flow.”

          3. Dahlia*

            That was basically a line in a Call the Midwife episode I watched the other day! Basically, “My personal funds are not as liquid as they could be at the moment.”

        4. GammaGirl1908*

          My mother’s VERY wealthy friend uses this when asked for money by a group or charity: “I have a line item for philanthropy, and it’s already committed.”

      2. Cats Ate My Croissant*

        You kid, but I’ve encountered school parents bemoaning the fact that they had to miss out on their usual skiing holiday so they ‘only got 2 weeks in the Maldives this year’. Oh! The humanity!

        1. Sashaa*

          To be fair, hell would freeze over before I skipped my annual skiing holiday (and if hell did freeze over, I could ski there instead!)

          Our summer holiday is in Margate though, not the Maldives. I suspect their skiing holiday is pretty different to mine as well.

      3. L*

        My husband once went into a store to see about buying me a sweater I’d been admiring in the window for awhile. On finding out it was over $400 he said “On second thought, it will clash with the yacht,” and left to buy me a similar but much more affordable sweater next door. I’m not dure that exact excuse will work, but who knows!

      4. MsM*

        Forget college, have you seen the price of preschool? We can’t very well send them somewhere that doesn’t offer full-immersion Mandarin.

    2. Other options*

      Why not drop “right now”? I think it is absolutely sensible to point out that one is not ok with the chosen price range, not only “right now”, but in general. “This is way beyond my usual price range/budget for presents. Are there other options too?”

      1. A. Lab Rabbit*

        Yes, I agree. Adding “right now” just opens the door for these obnoxious coworkers to say “But that’s what you said last time.”

      2. EA*

        I think right now just softens it a bit and means no one will try to “call you out” if you end up spending a bit nore someday down the road…

    3. Hush42*

      This. I am obsessed with budgeting and I was working with my sister who is a freshman in college on her budget. We were talking about the fact that it’s is hard to say no when people invite you to do stuff like grab a coffee, especially because a lot of the people who she’s hanging out with a likely being supported with their parents money and she is not. She’s working 2 part time jobs and living with our brother while she goes to college and she doesn’t have a lot of disposable income.
      I (jokingly) said “what do we say when people ask us to do things we can’t afford?” She said “I can’t I’m too poor”. My sister in law jumped in and told her that she should say “It’s not in the budget” it doesn’t change the outcome but it changes your ownership of it in your head. You set the budget, by saying “it’s not in the budget” you are effectively saying I have chosen to stick to my other priorities over getting this coffee, going out, etc.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        My sister in law jumped in and told her that she should say “It’s not in the budget” it doesn’t change the outcome but it changes your ownership of it in your head.
        Excellent phrase an explanation! This solution gracefully communicates “no” without sharing any uncomfortable-to-disclose information, leaves no room for further discussion, and empowers the person using the expression. Please thank your sister in law for me. This Internet stranger will think of her when saying “it’s not in the budget” on future occasions.

      2. fhqwhgads*

        This is a useful distinction and framing for oneself, but if I were concerned about the perceptions of others, I’m not so sure I’d expect everyone who hears either phrase to interpret them all that differently. Make myself feel better to think of it as “I have chosen to stick to my other priorities”, sure, but without that additional explanation, rando’s probably going to interpret “not in the budget” as equivalent to “can’t afford it”.

  9. Stella70*

    I have an “adjacent” issue…not to brag, but I am known for giving thoughtful and unusual gifts. It’s not a talent, I just pay close attention when people describe their interests, take notes, and scour the internet for niche vendors. A season or two of white elephant prizes or Secret Santa exchanges show co-workers I am the closest to an elf they ever met. Thus, I get stuck picking out retirement or new parent gifts, etc.
    No matter how much I push back, most places I work insist on giving the boss a Christmas present. Once, six of us worked for a millionaire, and I was the lowest paid by far. One staff member decided to help me out by collecting the funds in advance (“No need to thank me!” she said). I opened the envelope and there was $9.50 inside (from five people, since I hadn’t chipped in yet). I asked them if they expected me to drive the owner to the nearest bar, and buy him a shot of Cuervo. My options were: beg them to chip in more (absolutely not), buy the owner something at Dollar General (and pray it didn’t affect our year-end bonus, which he smartly withheld until after the holidays), or cover the difference myself. Being a fully-registered dunce, you can guess what I chose.
    [Curious? Owner and his wife owned a vacation home on a fly-in lake in Wisconsin. They were also competitive cribbage players. I found a woodworker who carves replicas of (your choice of) lakes out of oak. I gave him the name of the lake they lived on, he replicated it, and turned it into a cribbage board.]
    The owner was absolutely floored (it was beautiful), our bonuses were safe for another year, and I scarfed down all unattended food in the breakroom at least until the following spring, to recoup my contribution.

    1. Susan*

      That gift to the owner seems like massive overkill…I doubt any of your colleagues were expecting you to get him a custom wooden cribbage board? Those things probably run several hundred dollars.

      If your coworkers are contributing so little, they likely don’t want to buy a gift for the boss or can’t afford it. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go back to them and say there wasn’t enough money this year so let’s all write something nice about the boss in a card?

      1. xylocopa*

        Yes, it seems like the coworkers sent a pretty clear message about how much they thought was reasonable to spend on this gift for the boss. The custom cribbage board sounds like a very cool item, but, like….

        If the boss genuinely expects that level of gift from his employees and it will truly affect bonuses, get the heck out of there. And if the boss doesn’t really expect that level of gift, why set a precedent for it? It’s making it that much harder for the other employees (who want to chip in for a $10 gift) to keep things in their budget for the future.

        And if you want to make up the difference for something a bit fancier than a nice card, there’s quite a lot of room between the dollar store and the custom artwork.

        1. The Giver*

          I doubt the boss expected anything like a custom made cribbage board, and once it was offered he couldn’t really turn it down (it’s not like it was returnable). And I really doubt bonuses were linked to this gift.

        2. Artemesia*

          With that kind of collection, you should have gotten one of those elaborate cards — the cut paper ones that fold into interesting scenes — and then gotten everyone to write a heartfelt appreciation note.

      1. CeeDoo*

        Wasn’t it? That’s so personalized. I commissioned a statue of my sister’s dog one year. She’s the only human on earth I’d shell out that level of cash for. Not a coworker, and definitely not my boss. I donate more to the christmas gift for the custodians.

    3. bamcheeks*

      That sounds like an incredible gift– but I am completely baffled as to why did you feel you had to do that?!

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Agreed. What an incredibly thoughtful gift, but if you absolutely had to give a big gift in order to keep your bonuses, why on earth was asking your coworkers to contribute more not an option? And then why was the option to spend a huge amount of money you clearly didn’t have, and then also give your coworkers equal credit for the expensive gift despite contributing a fraction of the cost?

        It sounds like you would have been better off financially by skipping the boss’s gift and losing your bonus.

        (Not trying to pile on Stella70! But this is a new level of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.)

        1. I can see you*

          “Not trying to pile on Stella70! But this is a new level of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

          Word, times 1000. I just have a lot of questions. This level of self-martyrdom reminds me of someone I knew on another online forum but that person self-sabotaged way beyond this.

    4. Strive to Excel*

      I sure hope you got more in bonus money than you spent on the cribbage board.

      And I’m side-eying any boss who withholds bonuses based on the quality of the Christmas present from staff. I side-eye deeply. I do not approve.

    5. Caramel & Cheddar*

      That’s an incredibly thoughtful gift, but I’m joining the chorus of people that feel like you were definitely under no obligation to do that, especially after you saw the envelope had been circled to the rest of your team already and they had contributed less than $2 each on average.

      I get feeling like you want to make up the difference — I’ve definitely done this for staff leaving gifts where an extra $20 vs $5 might make a difference — but especially when gifting up, you should definitely not feel an obligation to do this. Put in your $5, give the envelope back to your “helpful” colleague who started the collection, and see what she does with it.

    6. Reba*

      Y’all, Stella70 clearly knows this was a goofy situation, it’s in the past and they are not asking for advice!

          1. Stella70*

            People have called me names or described me negatively directly to my face (I have been both a teenager and a manager) and yet, in all my 54 years drawing breath, no one has ever assessed me as “helpless”. (Mom says I came out of the womb mixing my own cocktails, but I’m sure that’s hyperbole.)
            Not offended at all, it made me smile.

          2. Grenelda Thurber*

            I don’t think it’s learned helplessness. It happens sometime in situations where there is little communication and a huge imbalance of power. Everyone feels obligated to keep the powerful person happy. No one is willing to stick their neck out, especially the lowest paid.

      2. Stella70*

        Reba: (Love that name, BTW, same name as my grandcat!) I will add my response to your comment since you used the word “goofy” which is so underutilized these days.
        * My co-workers were nice people, all past the child-rearing stage, making very, very good money. I would bet my life that all of them walk around every day with a few hundred dollars in their wallets, for incidentals. They could have given $50/each and not thought twice.
        * But they were frugal, and by frugal, I mean cheap. Incredibly cheap.
        * I did not ask for more funds from them because I will not put anyone in that position, no matter what they make.
        * The woman who handed me the envelope sincerely and honestly and totally felt that she had done me a favor. No malice or ill-intent whatsoever. I couldn’t begrudge her effort to help.
        * I did not pay several hundred for the cribbage board, it was far less than that! (It was a board, not a table!) :)
        * When I suggested their contributions would only cover a shot of tequila, they laughed. I lean on humor in all cases, so they probably didn’t read the fine print.
        * Maybe I’m an idiot with money, and maybe I will never be able to retire, but I would never even consider suggesting to the recipient that I paid a larger share than the others.
        * Yes, the annual gift had a direct effect on not only our year-end bonuses, but also our annual raises, which took place in January. Believe me, I was much, much farther ahead by providing the gift than I would have been if I hadn’t.
        * The others benefitted by my “generosity”, no doubt. But at the end of the day, I would much rather be a person who is taken advantage of, than a person who takes advantage of another. I’m no saint, but I do have a few rules I live by and that is one of them.

      3. Polly Hedron*

        Yes, I think Stella is just
        – telling a funny story
        – loves getting thoughtful tailored gifts
        – once she thought of it, couldn’t resist getting this one

        1. Polly Hedron*

          And now I see from Stella’s new comment that she’s even more justified than that.
          Stella, you are lovely. You do you!

          1. Stella70*

            Thank you, Polly! Whew! Some of these comments are a bit rough. If I didn’t know better, I would think my former mothers-in-law had written most of them. :)
            (You want to talk about my stupidity with money? Let me tell you the tales of my three ex-husbands some time…..) :)

            1. muffin*

              Some of the comments are rough.

              I too have a knack for getting thoughtful gifts based on what I know about a person. More often than not, it was unintentional and completely accidental!
              Further, it is not often not expensive for my budget. I am not providing numbers other than $1 to $100USD range because budgets are personal and subjective. The people I give gifts to often do not have the knack I do. In other words have been disappointed with gifts I’ve received. I know some will say “that’s intentional, they don’t like you” etc. I truly don’t think it’s malice of any from.

              Enough about me, what about those 3 ex-husbands? ;-)

      4. xylocopa*

        Okay, but we’re commenting in an advice column, so people are kind of going to go in an advice/analysis direction. Anyway, sorry if my comment came off as harsh to Stella07!

        1. AMH*

          It’s a good habit to reign in, though — commenters will generally be explicit if they’re looking for advice! Receiving advice and judgement (someone said Stella’s behavior was ‘learned helplessness’!) when you were just sharing a story to commiserate with OP — well, it would make me not share my experience/not participate in comments.

        2. Stella70*

          No need for apologies whatsoever. You will have to try so much harder to offend me! (For example, if you told me the kicky beret I am wearing today makes me look like an extremely large Girl Scout who plowed through too many S’mores and could never outrun a bear, I still would not be offended.) (I would take the damn thing off, but the band is too tight, and I would be left with ring-around-the-head.)

        1. Caramel & Cheddar*

          The suggestion is that if he didn’t receive a generous gift at Christmas, he would be disinclined to offer bonuses in the new year because his staff were insufficiently appreciative of him / didn’t kiss up enough / whatever he would read into getting a reasonable but not excessive gift (or no gift at all).

    8. Beth*

      That sounds like an incredible gift, but not the course of action I would’ve taken in your shoes. I’m seeing that each person contributed less than $2–so, adding your contribution, the total budget for the boss’s gift should’ve maxed out at $12. I honestly would’ve been like “I’m not sure what to do with this budget, maybe someone else should handle shopping this time!”

    9. OP*

      Me too! People constantly tell me “ooh this is perfect for me! How did you know my size? I’ve always wanted this! You couldn’t have known this, but my so-and-so just broke, so this is right on time. This will be perfect for my upcoming trip,” etc. But…this kind of effort is expended on my friends and family whom I actually know well enough to be this thoughtful for. My coworker who was promoted? I’ve noticed she drinks coffee most mornings and I snuck a whiff of the candle in her office once and figured she likes sweet/earthy scents. A trip to Marshall’s on my lunchbreak and voila! Perfect amount of effort and funds to spend on a coworker, IMO.

      2. Toby Flenderson*

        I just can’t get past promotion gifts for co-workers. I’ve worked in government, non-profit and private industry over my almost 30 year career and I’ve never heard of that and I’m glad! For a family member or close friend? Maybe. But for a co-worker? Nope. And I love gift giving as well. But again, that extends to family and close friends not people with whom the only thing I have in common is shared workspace.

  10. WestSideStory*

    When these things come up, you can try to simply say, “Oh, that’s not in my budget this month, I’ll have to pass.” With a smile.

    If pressed, you might say, “We’re planning on getting a new house so I want to get all my ducks in a row.” Or “The plan is to pay off all our remaining student loans then take a trip to Bali. Shouldn’t be long now.”

    Or don’t add anything, if they press, just repeat, “It’s not in the budget.” Be sure to look them straight in the eye and do the strategic pause first. Let it be awkward on their end.

    Do not allow them to ever make you feel “less than” because you’re not flashing wealth. For all you know, your colleagues are up to their eyeballs in debt and not sleeping nights.

    1. Shellfish Constable*

      This is great and I just want to emphasize your last sentence:

      I live in one of the flashiest places in the U.S.. People love showing off their wealth here. But, dang, you wouldn’t believe the number of people who lose houses/cars/boats because they didn’t actually have the money for all the things they “bought.” It’s very true that you might never know who among your colleagues “are up to their eyeballs in debt and not sleeping nights.”

      Also, FWIW, the actual rich people I know are the least flashy. They got rich by being sensible with money, not visibly fanning themselves with $100 bills over lunch at Michelin starred restaurants. OP, if you were to stand your ground and repeat “it’s not in the budget” I bet the wealthiest folks at your workplace would be the most sympathetic — they didn’t get that way by bleeding money just to impress their coworkers, you know?

      1. OP*

        such a good point! I have indeed heard that true wealth is very quiet. And I am familiar with the whole “the rich stay rich by being as stingy as possible” phenomenon, too. My best friend owns a salon and she said her rich clients never tip.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          For your friend though…it is customary not to tip the proprietor so that one might not be a great example. But yeah, seriously rich is quiet rich.

          1. doreen*

            Yes, it’s probably because she’s the owner. I’ve known a few actually rich people and while they are kind of cheap, it doesn’t take the form of not tipping. They tip – but they buy the $60 seats to the baseball game, not the $200 ones. Or they drive a car for more than three years.

    2. Consonance*

      I agree with the advice, but personally I wouldn’t hesitate to explain very clearly what they’re asking of me (I have no shame).

      “Come on, she deserves it!”
      “Agreed! And I deserve to make rent this month.”

      “She’s earned it!”
      “For sure, and I’ve earned my grocery budget.”

      “Let’s just split it!”
      “Would love to be able to, but obviously that’s out of my price range. I’ll be paying for my own!”

      Honestly most of the time, these people are just being oblivious. Dish it right back and they’re likely to have enough shame to curtail their behavior. The ones that don’t don’t deserve a second thought from you.

  11. WellRed*

    I think the office gift giving culture at this place of work has run amok. Gift baskets for promotions and daily food deliveries? Nah. OP I get this feels awkward for you but time to own it. Hang onto your wallet and speak up for yourself. Your coworkers are thoughtless but I doubt they are cruel.

    1. Agent Diane*

      Our office go to when someone went on parental leave was some coupons for decent freezer meals so they could pick a bunch of things they and partner liked and have them ready whenever they needed.

      But that was our baby shower gift, not a super expensive salad every day.

    2. megaboo*

      That’s what is so ridiculous to me. Daily food deliveries for someone who is relatively wealthy. I can see maybe a meal train if they are suffering from something like cancer, but Door Dash level stuff? Also, the person got a promotion. Their “gift” was the promotion. They don’t need candles. I might have taken out a work friend who got a promotion to celebrate, but not $50 for a gift basket.

  12. bamcheeks*

    I am so stuck on several hundred dollars on a “coffee and candle themed basket”. Your colleagues are bananapants.

    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      they know they are bananapants, they literally admitted they knew something was pricey

      OP, you would be doing everyone a favor by pointing it out, that if you know something is pricey that maybe they shouldn’t be doing it.

      1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        “Oh, but s/he’s worth it!”
        They have turned potluck into potlach.
        They are not out of touch with the value of money. They are choosing to overspend for whatever reason they have. But they know it’s a lot a money. They are using manipulative tactics. “Oh, don’t pay me back, it’s fine,” even indicates that they think throwing money around has value v. “thank you for paying me back. This business expense was significant. Thank you for choosing to participate.”
        Again, They are not oblivious, this is some emperor’s new clothes type crap.

    2. Reba*

      They are keeping the overpriced gift basket business afloat!

      Wait — is one of these people wealthy after selling an overpriced gift basket business??

      1. WellRed*

        And of course the other problem with gift baskets: they come in a basket. These can be harder to store or repurpose than a floral delivery vase ; )

      2. OP*

        My husband asked me something similar, lol. He’s convinced somebody’s pocketing the “extra.” I make gift baskets for friends all the time so I was particularly peeved at the nutty markup on our boss’s gift (I want to say it was around $200) for what was conservatively about $25 worth of product including the “basket” itself which actually seemed to be a branded plastic bucket.

        1. Freya*

          In comparison to the gift basket that one of my clients gave me for Christmas, which I know how much it cost because I handle their finances and it was a business expense, and even conservatively pricing the contents you could 100% not get all of it at retail prices for what they paid, and it was in a nice sturdy box that presented well and travelled safely through the post.

    3. Saturday*

      Yeah, tell me more about the coffee and candles. That just sounds like throwing a bunch of money at something for no reason.

      1. JustaTech*

        Maybe it’s that coffee that’s been run through a wild cat’s digestive system?
        Maybe it’s one of those candles that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s … personal self?

        Enquiring minds want to know!

        1. OP*

          I wish I knew more, I did simplify the OP a bit for readability and anonymity. But the promoted employee’s successor just sent an email with a vague idea of the gift they had in mind–possibly along with a brand name, but designer coffee brands do not mean anything to me so I didn’t commit it to memory. They then invited our entire team to venmo them “$40-60 or whatever you’re comfortable with,” stipulated that the gift was pricey but worthwhile, then I believe concluded with a note that they’d be willing to cover any gap (as if ~$300 might somehow not be quite enough).

    4. Myrin*

      Right?! I’m semi-annoyed when I get asked to contribute 5 euros for a coworker’s milestone birthday or wedding – which thankfully generally only happens a handful of times a year and I can definitely afford it, it’s just the principle -, but hundreds of dollars for one single present? Madness!

    5. OP*

      Exactly! I think the basket also had some coffee-related beauty products as well, but still. My spouse wonders if one of my colleagues isn’t receiving kickbacks from a gift basket business…which is just absurd enough to be possible.

      1. Lellow*

        Have you considered *starting* an overpriced gift basket business and getting your office to buy from you? ;)

        1. bamcheeks*

          OP says further up they make up gift baskets for their friends all the time! The opportunities for a side-hustle here are IMMENSE!

    1. Apex Mountain*

      I recently read that potato chips were invented by a temperamental chef in Saratoga Springs, NY

      1. wordswords*

        Okay, but it’s not just fun trivia. The “love languages” thing was at root about a guy making up a system to justify why it was actually completely reciprocal for him to show affection with physical touch and his wife to show affection by doing all the housework and cooking — that’s just her natural love language!!

        It’s absolutely caught on as a turn of phrase, and tons of people use it to mean “a method of showing affection that I find easy/natural/fulfilling.” I don’t hate it as that, and I personally wouldn’t’ve pushed back about OP’s use of it! But it is worth keeping in mind, imo, that all humans use all of the “love languages,” that nobody is locked into just one as a “that’s just how I am” thing, and that the turn of phrase and the idea of being essentialist in your assumptions about others’ love languages has some pretty skeevy roots. (This is a general “you” — I don’t think you or OP does that! But I have seen others putting too much weight on it as a sort of personality test for interpersonal affection, and I always notice the phrasing now, even though it’s usually innocent.)

    2. mango chiffon*

      If Books Could Kill podcast did a great episode about the love languages thing. Super insightful since I had never read the book

      1. I edit everything*

        IIRC, even they admitted there’s some value to the idea of recognizing how we and others in our lives show love. It’s what the book’s author did with it that they really critiqued.

        1. A Simple Narwhal*

          Yea in theory understanding how others show love is a good idea! In practice the book was like “hey women if your husband sucks it’s your fault”.

          1. menopausal ninja*

            I’ve actually read the book (the original, not any of the sequels or subsequent stuff) and it’s honestly not like that. It’s really similar to most marriage advice about trying to understand where a partner is coming from and minimize the fundamental attribution error and its sibling – the assumption that other people do what we would do and want what we would want and find the same things fulfilling that we find fulfilling.

            There are actually several sections clearly directed at husbands who aren’t paying attention to their wife’s needs and emphasizing the need to give the wife what *she* needs and not what the husband assumes she needs.

            I saw three main issues with the book: 1) it’s literally just one guy’s thoughts on the issue — there’s no data or science at all whatsoever; 2) super heteronormative; 3) how it was subsequently used and where he and others ran with it later

            I enjoy If Books Could Kill and LOVE the guys behind that podcast, but they have a definite perspective and underlying bias that affects how they discuss and review books

            1. Jenesis*

              Even as a “personality test” it’s not super useful (probably because it’s not driven by actual science). I took the quiz for fun and I got 20% or close to it in all 5 sections. So does that make my love language “everything” or “nothing”? How does that help my husband and me communicate?

    3. PhyllisB*

      True, but most people understand what’s meant when this is said. It’s not pushing an agenda to make this statement.

    4. Miss Fire*

      Yes but they’re a handy shorthand for expressing ideas, and almost no one who uses the phrase takes it that seriously or uses it like that book does. It’s an online personality quiz concept that handily describes relationship dynamics. No one thinks of these as “real”, so to speak, any more than they think a blood test could determine your Meyers-Briggs type.

      Treating everything as taboo if it originated problematically isn’t that helpful when it no longer resembles the origin. It just reinforces a sort of puritanical way of relating to ideas that are a lot more dynamic than that.

    5. I should really pick a name*

      The book has awful stuff in it, but the central concept of “people communicate and recognize appreciation in different ways” is quite useful.

  14. sgpb*

    There is not shame in not being rich. Maybe talk to a therapist. I straight up tell people “oh I can’t afford that!” alllll the time. If they don’t understand or look down on me that says something negative about THEM not me.

    1. metadata minion*

      I’m not saying the LW *shouldn’t* go to therapy if this is something they’d like to work on — you don’t have to have a serious problem to want to clean out nagging issues — but this really doesn’t sound like an unusual level of discomfort. In a work context, it doesn’t matter that it isn’t your fault if all your coworkers start looking down on you for not being rich; this will affect your job and it’s very reasonable to want to find a diplomatic way to handle the situation.

    1. Sharon*

      [Somehow managed to delete my comment and still post just my name.] When I find it hard to say no, it is helpful to remind myself that my assertiveness will help others. Saying no can bread patterns and traditions that are harmful for everyone.

  16. Socially Exhausted*

    Setting the check splitting aside for a moment, it sounds like a lot of these are gifts in some way, and your coworkers have fallen into “more money = more appreciation” and are so wealthy that their gift metrics of “I spend about $x on minor relationships, $y on more important people/occasions” are wildly out of wack. One thing I’ve worried about in similar situations is “oh no, I’m spending what they’ve decided is the ‘I kind of hate you’ money and they think that I’m secretly saying ‘I can’t afford that much (for someone I hate)’ when that’s untrue”. I think being more up front with the income divide can definitely help people see you’re being genuine, but in my experience with cluelessly wealthy people, it also helps to visibly do something else to appreciate someone. Things like helping to handle a difficult job or writing a genuine detailed thank you can be good options if you’re worried about that!

    1. Not Ed Balls or Sharon*

      Honestly, one of the things that was hardest for me to swallow was OP deciding his/her generosity was inadequate and not giving those thoughtful gifts (like the coffee/candle).

      1. OP*

        Since writing to Alison, I belatedly handed over the gift bag with a nice note to the coworker. She commented several times how kind she thought it was.

      2. Paint N Drip*

        Ugh hard agree. I work with some extremely wealthy clients and I totally understand feeling like your generosity doesn’t cut it (if everyone in your circle is at $XXX level then you get $XXX level gifts, but I can only give $X or $XX gifts) BUTTTTTT please be aware that if everyone in their circle gifts with money, they lack gifts of ‘being known’ and you can really stun and impress ~money people~ by just caring about them as people when no one in their life really has the time

  17. HigherEd Escapee*

    As a chronically underpaid vegetarian who doesn’t drink, I feel this post in my bones. I’m also not at all shy so I will set the parameters for who is paying and how at the beginning of the meal. If that’s not possible, I’ll ask for a separate check. OP, I’m fairly positive you’re not alone in this. Do what you have to do and don’t be ashamed.

    1. Reba*

      I am in your shoes, too!

      Even before I became a full time vegetarian, I vividly remember the time a bunch of us went to an awesome Chinese restaurant and ordered family style. Problem was, the group ranged from undergrad to working professional, the latter of whom was familiar with the restaurant and did most of the ordering. Folks, if you are ever in this scenario, please read the room/table and do not order THE LOBSTER! my spouse and I were grad students at the time but we were able to step in on behalf of the undergrads present. Mercy. We should have just talked first!

      It really can be hard to raise this issue, especially with people you don’t know well or who are colleagues, not friends. I really feel for the OP. If it helps to reframe, the coworkers are the ones being tactless here, not you OP!

    2. FricketyFrack*

      Oh hey, there’s an idea – become vegan. Vegetarian probably won’t work because a lot of places have become a lot more accommodating, but I’m vegan and can still only eat at a fraction of the places my coworkers can, so it’s really easy to say, “Oh, I can’t eat anything there, I’ll just eat what I brought, you guys have fun though!”

      I’m kidding, no one should change their diet just to get out of bananapants work lunches, but it has coincidentally been awesome for that.

  18. FricketyFrack*

    I’m glad I have run out of fucks, man. I’m just like, “pfft, I have student loans,” when asked to contribute to something I can’t/don’t want to pay for. I got myself in a loooot of debt in my early 20s because I never wanted to say, “I can’t afford it,” and it very nearly ended with a wage garnishment (which would’ve been way more embarrassing), and now I feel no shame about hoarding my pennies. I’m not stingy, but OP’s coworkers are wild.

  19. Sparkles McFadden*

    It’s completely fine to say “I can’t chip in for this gift” or “We need separate checks.” It might be difficult at first, but it gets easier over time. Once you’ve said no to the money grab a few times, people stop asking. A decent boss should put a stop to this stuff and should stress “No gifting up” but some bosses are perfectly happy to keep putting their hands in your pocket.

    People are always very generous when they’re paying for most of everything with other people’s money. I was fortunately enough to work in jobs where we didn’t do gifts. When we’d go out or have a mandatory department dinner, I’d bring cash, figure out my share plus a good tip, and then put that amount of cash down on the table. If someone pushed back, that someone was always the person who had six drinks, appetizers, the most expensive entree, and dessert. I’d say “I’m paying for what I ate that’s it.” The people who complain or make snide remarks are doing that to make you feel uncomfortable so you’ll keep subsidizing their lifestyle. Most people will be grateful that someone spoke up.

  20. been there two*

    Twice I have declined to “split the bill”, one a friend group another a work dinner. Both times, some helpful person declared at the end of the meal ‘let’s split the bill’.
    With the friend group, I said no, I’ll just pay for mine and forked over my share plus a tip.
    With the work group, I said no, I’ll just pay for mine and forked over my share plus a tip.
    Both times, someone at the table called me out and both times I just shrugged. In both cases, the ‘generous’ person who made the suggestion and/or called me out turned out to be bullying micromanagers who couldn’t stay in their own lane to save their life. People who presume to make financial decisions for other people deserve to be ignored.

    1. L_Rons_Cupboard*

      It is WILD to me that someone felt compelled to try to shame you for not wanting to pay for what you didn’t order.

      1. been there two*

        Some people will tell you that you are being rude if you ever say no.
        Trust that you are not rude for simply saying no.

  21. Sixpence*

    I read this post, remembering some economically hard days made harder by thoughtless people. I don’t suppose you can leave printouts of W. Somerset Maugham’s short story “The Luncheon” around the office? It is in public domain!

  22. Alexis Carrington Colby*

    When I was around 26 I had a job where I wasn’t making a lot, and neither were majority of the junior level employees. It was a small company who made a big deal for Halloween. Each department had to go ALL OUT with costumes and decorations. I felt pressured to buy all this stuff for my costume and props.

    My boss at the job was a nasty bully too…I wish I had said no at the time went against their ridiculousness.

    Fun-fact: I bought a new car last month and when I was clearing out my last car, I found props from my costume, 11+ years later. It made me mad all over again

    Shame on companies that pressure this.

  23. HugeTractsofLand*

    I think you have a lot more room to push back than you think you do; there are plenty of rich people who like to save money, and people of all finances who don’t want to shell out so much money on coworkers! Your coworkers are rich enough that no one has *needed* to push back yet, but I think they’d be receptive to a spending cap. I would name the pattern and highlight the approximate cost, as in “in the past month, we’ve ended up spending $$$ on gifts and celebrations. I love that we want to celebrate each other, but can we do so for less?” It’s the thought that counts, and these extravagant gifts are going to build resentment.

    2. Binge Crosby*

      I don’t know too many wealthy people, but most of the ones I know are suuuuper stingy about parting with their money, so I’m wondering whether this might be kind of a fluke or something.

      2. Can't Sit Still*

        Honestly, I think these are people who want to be perceived as wealthy and are quite possibly living above their means and are deep in debt. Or embezzling. Embezzling is always an option! LOL!

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I love all the suggestions for OP to speak purely for themselves, and their own budget (and I appreciate their assessment they’re the only person not swimming in money), but I’d be tempted to phrase it as a general concern for everyone’s budget as well. You never really know what other people’s budgets are like, and it isn’t fair to pressure them at work. Something like: “I know we don’t want to ask people at work for more cash than necessary so this is a link for Similar Version, at a cheaper price if you’re interested. My own budget could only cover x, so I’ll get my own gift/opt out if not.” or “Workplace gifts tend to add up so could we keep it at around x per occasion in future? Maybe other people’s budgets have more, or maybe less, to contribute but that’s my vote.”

  24. America's Next Top McGuffin*

    There is an early episode of Friends where Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey try to order more cheaply.
    Rachel: “I would like a side salad.”
    Snarky Waiter: “And what would that be on the side of?”
    Rachel: “You can just put it over here next to my water glass…”
    and they all finally lose it when Ross asks them all to chip in since they were celebrating Monica’s promotion. So you, OP, are not alone in your situation, and I hope it doesn’t take an explosive event to pop this bubble of frustration.

    2. L_Rons_Cupboard*

      That was the first thing I thought of! I saw that episode when I was a young, impressionable college student and it stuck with me. I only ever agree to split the check evenly when it’s obvious we all ordered more or less the same amount.

    3. OP*

      In the moment, I flashed back not only to this episode but the exact moment when the “poor” friends though they were making some headway with their explanation and Ross declared, “you’re right! Monica shouldn’t have to pay!” and everyone’s portion actually increased. Facepalm.

  25. Ex-Prof*

    Many people who come from money have absolutely no concept of how the rest of the world lives. They need it explained to them. Repeatedly.

  26. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

    One thing I’d add is trying to approach any conversations with colleagues with an air of “but of course you will be cool about this.” So stuff like “I’m sure you get it” and “Thanks for understanding.” Do this even if you’re not sure they’ll actually be understanding. Maybe especially in that case. Because their choices are to be understanding or to argue that they’re not understanding.

    1. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      Though there is something to be said for saying something like “if I do that, I’ll be eating ramen for every meal until we get paid next.”

  27. Abogado Avocado*

    LW, as you likely know, not all government offices work this way. I work in a government office and there’s recognition that the senior staff have more resources than others in our office. So, we senior staff pay for the holiday parties, we buy those pricey pods for everyone to use in the fancy coffee machine (which exists in addition to the drip coffee maker), we bring in cakes for celebrations, and we never ask people to pay anything other than what they want to or can afford for a group gift. And if someone can’t afford to contribute, there’s no shaming. It’s hard to work in government and not recognize when times are tough for people.

    How did our office end up this way? Our first chief of staff grew up in a family that struggled to make ends meet and was very attuned to the financial dynamics. She set the tone. I don’t know if you have similar leadership, but I don think it’s worth saying something. Should your leadership be attuned to this? Why, yes. But if they’re not, someone has to raise the issue. I hope you feel you have the bandwidth to do so.

    1. Jshaden*

      Since you didn’t specify country or level of the government office you are in, I can’t say for sure this applies, but if it is United States Federal, this absolutely seems to be outside the ethical and legal boundaries of gift giving if you are spending this much money on gifts. Regardless of the specific government entity you work for, I would recommend you consult with the applicable lawyer to review the gift giving rules applicable to your office to see if this is even legal where you are and, perhaps, suggest refresher training on the topic.

      This doesn’t touch on the issues of restaurant dining with coworkers, but it should cover everything else you described.

    2. MM*

      So, can a senior staff member opt of paying, without issues or grumbles from others? If not, you all have work to do.

  28. Apex Mountain*

    I wonder if you may have a comrade with that employee who’s card didn’t go through. If you can broach the subject, you might find it easier to approach the boss or whoever with an ally.

  29. Fed Analyst*

    I’m all for splitting the bill when I go out with friends or family (my groups tend to eat and drink roughly the same amount and any difference evens out with how often we go out) but I still always check that everyone’s okay with it.
    WHENEVER I’ve gone out with coworkers the first thing anyone says to the server is “separate checks please.” I can’t imaging covering even $2 of a coworker’s meal, or vice versa. I actually have a very close former coworker who still works for the same org, different department now though, and even when we go out together, by choice as friends, we get separate checks.

    1. Box of Rain*

      Rather than ask if everyone is okay with it, I wonder if there is a way to allow people to opt into sharing the check? Because not everyone will feel comfortable saying they are the only one who wants a separate check–it’s embarrassing for lots of us who are budget-conscious, even with friends and family. :)

  30. HalesBopp*

    If LW is looking to avoid “budget talk,” I think there’s an opportunity to preempt some of these situations. In the case of the colleague’s promotion, “Oh, I actually already have a gift for Jane, thanks though!” When colleagues are ill: “I’ve already got something I’m going to send, thanks!” In the case of dining out, get your check from the waitstaff before dinner closes. If you want it to look more seamless, plan to leave a few minutes early and say, “I’ve got another commitment, so I will have to go. I went ahead and settled my bill. Enjoy your evenings!” At least with the gifts, this helps craft the standard that LW likes to do things on a more personal capacity which may help reduce some of the asks by the team.

    1. OP*

      I really like these practical suggestions. Thank you! Even though the ultimate reason I’m uncomfortable with this kind of spending is that it’s outside my budget, my reluctance to discuss my budget with colleagues is precisely why I hadn’t brought it up before. Lately, I’ve been trying to un-train myself on overexplaining my boundaries. What I can/not afford is not their business; I just want them to respect my opt-out without attaching a prejudicial meaning that’s not there.

      1. HonorBox*

        I think it is OK to not specifically discuss your own budget with your colleagues. They don’t need to know that you spend 80% of your income on yarn for your crochet habit… or simply don’t have any “extra” at the end of the month.
        That said, I think along with the great practical suggestions, people may be more understanding if you start using your student loans as the thing you will discuss. If you decline, “these student loans are killing me and I’m contributing to Sallie Mae” is going to be something, if not relatable, at least understandable. Let that be the straw that breaks the camel’s back going forward.

        2. Momma Bear*

          I agree. We often announce PTO via email. A percentage of people will tell you exactly why they are out and many times it’s TMI. Your PTO is your business. I just know not to reach out today.

          Same with your budget. It doesn’t matter what your budget *is* just that this is an extra that is not included. Don’t let them bully you into explaining yourself. No is a complete sentence.

          But if you really feel pressed, practice saying something outlandish with a smile. They won’t know if you’re serious or not and you’ve diffused the situation and can walk away. “Sorry, but I just donated to the restoration of native fungus in the Everglades and can’t contribute.” Or “my designer poodle needed emergency grooming for her circus performance and even rhinestones add up these days.”

      2. Focus*

        Hi OP! Therefore I would focus on you not wanting to spend money on certain things vs. not being able to. If they want to discuss your budget, your can say: “I have my budget under control. I am just prioritising different things to spend my money on (as student loans, a move, a down payment)”
        Some people prefer to save through the year to have an exclusive vacation, others go camping to have money for brand electronics. Do not allow them to dictate your priorities.

    2. Not your typical admin*

      Just have to say I love those phrases. I may use them with a “friend” who always wants to go together on gifts, but always ends up spending less than everyone else somehow

  31. Statler von Waldorf*

    ” but there is no shame in not being wealthy”

    I generally agree with Alison’s advice, but I feel the need to push back here because that is complete nonsense. American culture absolutely shames people for not being wealthy. There’s an entire global movement called the prosperity gospel that started in America that preaches the idea that moral worth and wealth are inherently linked.

    2. Magdalena*

      Yeah, as someone from outside the US, I used to (and still do) find it really grating to hear So-and-so is WORTH this many million dollars.
      Nope, that’s not his worth. That’s how much money he has.
      I haven’t heard this expression used anywhere else.

    3. JulieF*

      Society shames people for not being wealthy. That doesn’t mean a person has to shame themselves. (Easier said than done, I know)

    4. iglwif*

      I mean, yes, it does, but the only way we change that is by people persistently pointing out that wealth and moral worth are entirely independent of one another.

  32. Ann O'Nemity*

    Many wealthy individuals who work in nonprofits, government agencies, or similar mission-driven spaces often choose to do so because they are passionate about the work—not because they need the paycheck. However, they frequently rely on their own financial resources to enhance their work environment, whether by funding office comforts, contributing to extravagant gifts, or organizing expensive outings. While their generosity may come from a good place, it can create a culture where financial privilege is needed to fully participate or feel included. This can alienate colleagues who don’t have the same resources to contribute. Unfortunately, cultural and systemic norms in these environments can be deeply entrenched, and you may find that your coworkers prefer their own comfort over inclusivity.

    This becomes especially ironic in agencies dedicated to helping those in need while remaining completely unaware of the financial struggles faced by their own employees.

    1. bamcheeks*

      This is a different discussion, but I find it very hard to believe that this kind of obliviousness doesn’t also impact the services they are providing.

  33. sold out!*

    I had a really similar situation working in fundraising. At some point everyone else who needed to “work for a living” had moved on and I found myself surrounded by colleagues who had means FAR beyond our salaries. Honestly it was just so disheartening, even without this kind of social pressure to shell out cash! Being surrounded by peers who could go on lavish vacations and buy million dollar properties while I was only barely not paycheck to paycheck was just…too much.

    But I have no solution–I sold out and left nonprofits. Womp-womp. But at least now I can enjoy my former-colleagues-now-friends’ gorgeous houses and deep wine cellars without resentment!

  34. Glenn*

    > If you do that, there’s a chance your coworkers will just offer to cover your portion — which isn’t the outcome you want.

    Isn’t it? On my first reading I assumed the OP must have said something like this, but it’s actually not in the letter. Granted, there are many situations where this might be true (e.g. if it turns out there are many people in OP’s situation, who would benefit from someone speaking up.) And maybe something about the situation makes it inappropriate. But honestly, if they do offer to cover you, and you’re comfortable with that, I don’t see why you shouldn’t go for it.

    In general I think “letting someone cover you” is a favor that _you_ can do for _them_, in this kind of situation, as much as the reverse. That way, you all get to go somewhere nice, and the people for whom it’s “not that much money” can bear the cost. Everyone’s happy!

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think the point is that LW was not comfortable with the colleagues covering their meal, which is why it’s not the desired outcome.

      I do agree that sometimes the kindness is in accepting someone else’s gesture of kindness, i.e. if they want to do something for you, let them! But that’s also not really a relationship I’d expect to have with a coworker vs offering to cover a meal for a friend who might deserve a treat because they’re stretched thin.

      In a workplace, I think it also helps to be upfront about it, e.g. “Let me take you out for lunch, my treat!” is much different than going out for lunch, expecting to pay your own way, and then having someone parachute in offering to pay. For whatever social niceties reasons, I’d probably be more okay with the former than the latter, not least of which is because knowing in advance that I won’t have to pay for my meal is much less stressful.

    2. HiddenT*

      No, because having to be covered constantly is demoralizing and could cause resentment from the people doing the covering. Once would be fine, but this is a regular occurrence.

      1. Freya*

        Yeah, it gets to feeling like a sugar baby situation which is Not To My Taste, especially not in a workplace environment!

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I think that’s a really unhealthy dynamic in a workplace though! If a friend wants to eat Beluga caviar and to pay for the company, sure, going along with it for them, with the freedom of choice, is a type of gift. But at work? They can have their special, curated experiences on their own time and without making it about money. It won’t kill them to eat pizza.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      It’s not the outcome they want.
      They want:
      1) to pay for themself and not anyone else
      2) for this to not come up every single time there’s a meal out

  35. Direct to the my point*

    Does anyone else cringe at the gift basket?
    Fifty percent is stuff you don’t like, don’t want. The serving sizes are always off for your family size. All the cute little boxes, containers, jars just sit on the shelf waiting for the expiration date.

    2. Artemesia*

      I get corporate type gifts every Christmas from my brother who was once a Fortune 500 CEO and the packaging is always more expensive than the gifts. I’d love to have twice as many cookies or candies or whatever and less elaborate boxes.

    3. cncx*

      Once I got a gift box of like four or five different types and sizes of olive oil. Predictably the oil that tasted the best was the “deluxe sample” size. The biggest bottle…tasted like it was cut with canola, and not top shelf canola.

  36. City Planner*

    You haven’t mentioned what your boss’s role in all of this gift giving and eating out is (except for the mention of him being a recipient), so I encourage you to try Alison’s first suggestion if you think he would be receptive. Your boss has a role in promoting team cohesion and that’s a two way street. You are right to be worried that your coworkers might start judging you and this could damage your relationships with them, but your boss should also be concerned about *your* satisfaction with the work environment. If this is a burden that would drive you away from this workplace for one with less of a gift-giving and eating-out cost burden, that’s something they should know so that they can address it.

    1. OP*

      I found that one of the most interesting parts of Alison’s advice. My boss has never attended any of these group outings. I’m not aware if he contributes to the individual gifts, but he did send a very kind staff-wide thank you email concerning his $200 bucket of movie theater snacks. He and I are both relatively new here, and came from agencies with a much more austere cultures around spending and I’d think he would normally be my main ally here. But I was really thrown off by his accepting the [illegally expensive] gift basket.

      1. Anonychick*

        OP, I know you mentioned that the gift basket was branded in some way, so perhaps I’m off-base here, but: if your boss accepting the illegally-expensive gift basket seemed out of character for him, and you (with the knowledge and experience you have) thought it was worth only about $25…is it possible your boss thought the same? Obviously, I have no idea whether or not he would have been permitted to accept even a $25 gift basket, but at the very least, that seems more reasonable than him accepting a $200 one!!!

        (To be clear, I’m not trying to justify your boss’s actions if he DID have an idea of the actual cost; I’m just wondering if perhaps he’d be just as uncomfortable with it as you were—or more, considering the legal issues at play!—which could possibly make him a valuable ally in the “this is inappropriate in general, not just because [OP] can’t afford it” vein.)

        1. OP*

          Good point. Now that you mention it, I assuming the overpriced gift basket people do NOT inform recipients of the purchase price. And because the contents were objectively “cheap,” perhaps he did not quite realize the cost involved. That helps me reframe his role in the whole exchange and suggests that maybe he could still be a good ally on this. Thanks!

          P.S. The branding on the basket was the gift company’s logo, not like our agency seal or anything.

          1. Ellie*

            It’s very likely he didn’t realise how expensive it was, or felt awkward about returning the gift regardless. I’d start with the suggestion to approach him, he sounds like he’d be very much on board with scaling things back.

      2. City Planner*

        If he’s new, he could have been surprised by the gift and felt like it was best to accept graciously, not realizing the actual cost. If he’s not attending these group outings, I think you’re on very firm footing to discuss the situation with him and enlist his assistance in helping you navigate this in a way that will have the least impact on your standing with the team.

  37. HiddenT*

    It’s funny to me how many people are going “this kind of behavior can’t be normal, even for rich people” because that’s patently untrue. Multi-millionaires truly live on a different planet than the rest of us. I know this because I have family who are wealthy (not super-ultra-wealthy but definitely in a similar tax bracket as most of LW’s coworkers). One time many years ago I was working at an insurance company (entry level support job) and had gone to visit this part of my family for the holidays, and one of them asked what I was doing for work and I explained, and they then went off on a tangent bemoaning the fact that car insurance was state-mandated, because obviously if they got into a car accident they’d just buy a new car and pay any medical bills necessary. I then had to explain that most people didn’t have the means to do that.

    I’m not trying to say Alison’s advice is bad, because it’s not! Just pointing out that a lot of commenters may not realize just how divorced from reality a lot of wealthy people are.

    1. Box of Rain*

      So much this! Much of the advice wouldn’t have worked with my last employer, The CEO and Ops Manager (in an office of 11) both made six figures where the rest of us made close to a starting teacher’s salary (I know because I joined the org when I exited the classroom).

      Work outings were just an excuse for them to go to their favorite restaurant on the company (because they had corporate cards but no one else did). It infuriated me.

    2. muffin*

      Since we’re just sharing stories.

      I know someone who has a “corporate card” for meals, and the protocol is the highest on the org chart pays. The “someone” prefers that others pay for the meals. I don’t feel like I can ask why, but it looks odd to me. I mean, that’s what the card is for.

    3. Coverage Associate*

      My state doesn’t actually require car insurance. There is the alternative to post a bond or something with the DMV. You lose the interest on the cash, but you don’t have to make regular payments to an insurance company.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      I’m not saying it’s not also a rich person thing, but dang, unless that person has $4M liquid…they might wanna rethink their reasoning there. If they were uninsured and caused someone else’s medical bills…they’d be potentially on the hook for full price. Health insurance either won’t pay or will seek to be reimbursed for care caused by an collision. The “just buy a new car” I get, but the not-covered-by-insurance price of medical bills is a ballsy thing to say they’ll just pay out of pocket.

  38. Butterfly Counter*

    I don’t know, but maybe it’s the near-decade I spent as a poor graduate student surrounded by other poor graduate students, but I have no shame in discussing money in mixed crowds.

    “That gift basket costs how much?! Are their diamonds you can find in the coffee beans? Let’s maybe look at more cost-effective alternatives!”

    “Split the check? That means I now have to pay $125 dollars for the side salad! I’ll just tell the waiter to put $20 on my card or I can Venmo whoever is paying.”

    I promise, the person who can’t afford exorbitant gifts and meals is not the one who seems “out of touch” or pitiable in these situations. It’s the people who “forgot” that some people have limited means.

    1. Archi-detect*

      I disagree with the last point- the odd person out is the one out of touch, at least in that situation to the others

      1. Butterfly Counter*

        I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that. It’s entirely possible that I’m just too old to care what my coworkers think about my finances or that my experiences being poor surrounded by other people on very strict budgets is biasing my judgement.

  39. Employed Minion*

    Honestly, I think you’ll be doing at least one other coworker a favor if you can get them to pull back on all the spending. I believe it’s said the people who look rich are often in big debt from all their spending. Someone else is also finding the office spending hard to afford

  40. samwise*

    I suppose the colleagues are being thoughtless, but overall I think this one’s on the OP. You haven’t said anything to anyone about not being able to afford gifts, meals, etc. Why shouldn’t your colleagues assume you’re ok with all of the spending — you’ve gone along with a lot of it, and for others you sat out (which is fine, you can do that as often as you like or need to) without saying why.

    Please use your words. “I’m sorry, I just can’t afford that” will let the others know that…you can’t afford it. Or you could say, “I’m sorry, I just can’t afford that. Could we find a less expensive restaurant/Is it ok if I just kick in $10/I’m still paying off student loans”

    I understand that you feel embarrassed about not being able to cough up the bucks the way your coworkers do. I encourage you to find a way to be ok with having less money/fewer resources than your colleagues.

    1. Magdalena*

      There’s nothing inherently embarrassing about not being wealthy but it is not a great feeling to always be the odd one out or have to speak up against the group consensus.
      OP should not have to spend hundreds of dollars every month on their colleagues’ whims yet if they speak out they might mark themselves as someone who does not belong.

    2. OP*

      “Why shouldn’t your colleagues assume you’re ok with all of the spending?” — Partly because this kind of spending is not normal at all and they realize it (hence the little postscripts noting that certain restaurants are pricey but hey, let’s treat ourselves) and also because technically none of us should be ok with the spending because it’s contrary to ethics rules on the subject.

      ““I’m sorry, I just can’t afford that” will let the others know that…you can’t afford it” — yes, exactly. I am not wanting to inform my coworkers about what I can/not afford as my finances are none of their business. Nor do I begrudge them their overspending. I’m just wanting to be able to opt out without developing a reputation that alienates me from the group.

      1. OP*

        “I encourage you to find a way to be ok with having less money/fewer resources than your colleagues.”– I am ok with it. Perfectly so. What I’m not ok with is being labeled cheap, stingy, antisocial or what-have-you because of it. I’ve seen the eyerolls and the “joking” barbs. The last outing they planned, a coworker dropped by my office and said “hey we decided on [expensive place] for lunch; do I assume correctly that you won’t be joining?” as if to suggest that after sitting out a small minority of recent cash grabs, I already have a reputation as The One Who Declines.

        1. been there two*

          Someday, you may just give someone else the courage to say no to this nonsense. And what the heck, if you have That Reputation, maybe someday they’ll stop asking. Win-win!

          1. pope suburban*

            I rather wallow in having The Reputation. Because I grew up an upper-middle-class white person, and I have white-collar job experience, and my degree is from a good school, classist (and otherwise prejudiced) people assume I’m one of them. In reality, I was absolutely kneecapped by graduating into the 2008 “once in a lifetime” recession, I’ve been underpaid most of my working life, I have mild panic when buying groceries, and haven’t had health insurance for most of my adult life. I delight in asking people what they mean by that when they say obtuse things in front of me, and make a point of including myself in the groups they disparage (renters, poor people, the uninsured, the underemployed). They do not like it and it fills me with glee. I don’t know how many of them carry any learned lessons into the future with them, but they sure do learn to step more quietly around me. Like, if you come to me expecting that I will agree that every poor person is stupid, you will get a pointed education. Not today, not on my watch, not ever. And I will do it on anyone else’s behalf, too, because that’s how sick I am of all this.

        3. Ann O'Nemity*

          This is a tricky situation, and it’s completely valid to feel uneasy! Saying ‘I can’t afford this’ can have very real consequences, especially in a workplace culture where wealthier coworkers set the tone. The risk of being excluded from social and even professional opportunities is real, and it’s an unfortunate reality of environments where spending can define belonging.

          One of the most challenging aspects of working in a nonprofit was watching my wealthy colleagues thrive with minimal effort, largely because of their wealth and connections. Their privilege didn’t just open doors for them professionally—it also shaped the office culture. They set the tone for lavish spending, whether it was on expensive lunches, gifts, events, or even clothing, making it even harder for those without the same resources to feel included or valued.

        5. lazuli*

          I think that’s one of the reasons it might be helpful, actually, to be more explicit about why you’re declining. “That’s not in my budget” is a great way to do that — you’re not saying you can’t afford it, just that your financial priorities are elsewhere.

          Otherwise your colleagues are likely to assume you’re declining because you’re antisocial, rather than because their requests are ridiculous. And stating the reason plainly (without letting them argue with them about it) puts responsibility back on them to fix the problem they’ve created.

        6. Ellie*

          Wow, that’s so rude! You should definitely approach your manager and use that as an example about how you’re being treated differently because of this. Although my petty side wonders how they would have reacted if you’d told them that you had to do without dinner for a week after the last outing. See whether they feel any shame for it.

        7. Audrey Puffins*

          I don’t know if you’d feel comfortable with it or if it would sit well in your current circumstances, but there can be huge power in giving a warm smile and saying “that is correct, thank you, I really appreciate you being considerate of my budget limitations, and I look forward to joining you all at the next [affordable thing]!”

      2. The Giver*

        In other words, Samwise is right and you haven’t said anything. And you’re opening the door to all thus by arranging your homemade gift baskets, even if they’re cheaper. Stop preemptively gifting.

        1. AMH*

          And is writing in to this column for advice on how to just do that. It’s great that folks have the kind of relationship with their coworkers where they can be blunt and not damage their working life, but that’s not universal, and looking for options makes sense!

        2. OP*

          @TheGiver: This part “and you’re opening the door to all thus by arranging your homemade gift baskets, even if they’re cheaper” is not true/doesn’t make sense.

          I haven’t opened the door to anything and I’m not preemptively gifting. I independently had the idea to get my office neighbor a small token to celebrate her promotion and didn’t have a chance to give it to her or even mention it to anyone before the rest of the office dwarfed my idea with their basket. I give homemade gift baskets to my friends/relatives only and I mentioned this hobby of mine only to demonstrate: (1) that I actually love giving gifts and (2) why I have an idea how much the materials [should] cost.

          1. The Giver*

            I mentioned this hobby of mine only to demonstrate: (1) that I actually love giving gifts

            You are still not getting the point. Your hobby is gift-giving. People have somehow figured your hobby out (you yourself describe it as a “superpower”), and, hold on to your hats, they’re turning to you when it comes time to give gifts.

            Seriously, if you’re making custom gift baskets for your promoted co-worker, I find it difficult to get outraged when other employees give slightly-more-upscale gift baskets.

            STOP giving the gifts. That’s the root cause here. If you continue, the expectations will continue.

            1. OP*

              People have not figured my hobby out. I have never mentioned this to a single soul I work with. The $12 coffee/candle combo I bought for the promoted colleague never saw the light of day. You are inventing things.

              1. OP*

                or perhaps you are merely misreading things? “I mentioned this hobby” to Alison only. In this letter. For the benefit of you all. I have not been going around the workplace giving out gifts. I do not understand why this is so hard for you alone to grasp or why you are being so aggressive about it.

            2. Melody Powers*

              I think you got the OP mixed up with Stella up above. There’s nothing that says OP’s coworkers know that they like giving gifts. They’re just requesting (way too much) money from everyone.

        3. Ellis Bell*

          Wow. People are allowed to give gifts that ARE within their budgets and arranged without pressure. What is your beef with gift baskets?

      3. samwise*

        Then say, I can’t, it violates XYZ ethics rule.

        If you’re worried about standing out because you’re the stick in the mud that insists on following ethics rules — yes, that’s hard. BTDT and in a situation where speaking up endangered my continued employment (the offender was quite a powerful person in my dept, I was low-level and at will, and I needed that job). So I do know it’s tough. But you know what? I look back with pride on that, because I did speak up. Fortunately, I didn’t lose my job.

  41. lunarpunctuation*

    the weird thing I haven’t seen any comments on, and maybe it’s the specific office I was in or non-USA government etc, but when I was a federal employee, we had very specific ethics rules on gifts to bosses. As in they were only allowed to be more than $10 on very specific occasions even if gifted from a group, so this is very odd to me. From coworker-to-coworker wasn’t that restricted but our culture was very much cheap as heck and we didn’t have a lot of independently wealthy folks as we were regulators, so maybe that’s it.

    1. Artemesia*

      We took an SEC official to dinner 40 years ago and I remem ber he c ouldn’t even accept a modest restaurant dinner due to ethics issues. (which is why Clarence Thomas is so enraging)

    2. HonorBox*

      I was scrolling to see if someone else picked up on this, too, and thank you for saying something.

      OP, take a look at any information you can find about gifts, ethics and compliance. When you talk to your boss, you could mention that even if it isn’t specifically against the rules because it is all employee-to-employee, it might look odd to the outside if people are giving gifts of this magnitude or dining at very expensive restaurants, even on their own dime. Especially in the current political climate, dining at expensive restaurants might be scrutinized differently. Heaven forbid the local media see your team out at a Michelin-starred restaurant. If someone from the outside found out that an employee was given a gift where everyone contributed $50, the wrong person might see that as reason that employees are paid too much. And maybe it does run afoul of the actual rules…

    3. iglwif*

      No, I was thinking this too. In a former job I had occasion to go do some training in some US federal agency workplaces, and we literally weren’t even allowed to buy them lunch at Panera.

    4. Never comments but had to about this...*

      Thank you. As a federal employee, we have an annual training about gift giving. A superior should never start a collection. Any collections that are initiated should be anonymous, with no suggested donation. Gifts should be limited to 10-ish dollars (why can I never remember that amount?). There are exceptions for life events like a baby or a wedding, but promotion shouldn’t count.

  42. Seashell*

    I’d completely cut out the “gifts for a promotion” thing. I’ve never heard of such a thing in any sector. Maybe taking someone out for lunch to celebrate a promotion, but not an actual gift. Saying congratulations should be enough, since things are already going better for them.

    I agree with others who mentioned the ethics office and if there are any rules about gift giving. The gift basket to the boss seems suspect to me, unless everyone with a comparable illness is getting the same thing.

  43. Artemesia*

    When I was a grad student we would go out to dinner with professors at conferences and of course these were nice restaurants in New Orleans or wherever. One prof would say ‘I’ll get the wine’. but then it would appear on the bill and we would split the bill. My friends and I would order modestly and then end up paying for the high rollers appetizers and fancy desserts. we should have asked for separate checks. What we finally did was get together and say ‘screw it — we are going to order up since we are paying for it.’

    so the next conference dinner with faculty like that we ordered the St. Jacques appetizer and the lobster or steak or etc and then got the crepes for dessert. I laughed when the head prof picked up the bill and said ‘wow it is a lot more expensive than it was last time.’ NO S S. At least we got a great dinner out of it.

    for the OP. tough situation. there is nothing for it but to say ‘I am not independently wealthy and I just can’t afford this.’ And ask for a separate bill ahead with the waiter so it happens quietly.

  44. Anon for this one*

    There’s no shame in being unable to afford all this stuff, which as many comments have already pointed out, is a ridiculous amount.

    There should be shame in hogging jobs they don’t need and throwing money about when there are so many unemployed and/or struggling financially. What a grotesque display. I’m not suggesting telling them that, but it’s worth thinking about who is really in the shameful position here.

  45. Looper*

    If there’s one thing I know to be true is that many affluent people also hate wasting money.

    I don’t think you need to make a big “thing” of it, but i think you will find a lot more allies than you expect if you push back a bit. Like the candle basket: it would have been completely fine to say “oh, I already bought her a personalized gift so I’ll sit this out.”

    Even if you could afford $50 for a coworker, do you have a coworker who you feel deserves $50 of your dollars? It is actually the coworker who keeps trying to pick your pockets who is rude and making things awkward and those “with means” may feel stingy pushing back.

    Be a voice of reason, it’s not okay to have those expectations on coworkers in regards to how they spend their money. It’s not weird or rude to not want to work for the sole purpose of buying your coworkers lunch.

  46. Davesgiirl*

    Sorry, not in my budget is a fine response.

    As for meals, if I want a separate check, it’s because I don’t want anyone to subsidize me. I want to be free to order what I want.

  47. Mark This Confidential And Leave It Laying Around*

    I work at a place like this, and Im not wealthy! So I really feel you. Do you have a trusted admin on your team? I’ve had to shut down stuff like this, but December rolls around every year and you have to set or defend those boundaries again.

  48. HonorBox*

    It is OK to say that something isn’t in your budget.
    It is OK to put together a thoughtful gift on your own and sit out contributing to a group gift.
    It is OK to ask a server to give you a separate check.
    It is OK to be more conservative with your funds because they’re your funds. It really doesn’t matter why. People have the right to choose what they spend dollars on.
    It is OK to be the person who says something, because ultimately others might feel the same.

  49. Overthinking It*

    i agree with Allison about approaching one of the group of big spenders who normally exhibits reason and consideration, and stating the problem and hoping they will help you rock back against this. It will feel so much better having a “can” standing up with you. You won’t feel as powerless or unreasonable.

    But, let’s not forget the person whose credit card was declined. I think you’ve got another potential ally there. I wouldn’t say anything to her that assumes the incident was cause (comparative) poverty – because there could be other reasons – but I’m sure it was embarrassing and I think if you confide you woes to her you’ll get some sympathy, and thus support, from that quarter.

  51. Jonathan MacKay*

    I feel this.

    Despite having paid off my student loans and being completely debt free…. I still FEEL broke.

    The most effective solution I’ve had for when people are trying to influence me to spend beyond my means is to simply be upfront and say: “I don’t have that kind of money at the moment.”

    I’ve never had anyone question how long ‘the moment’ is going to last.

    Money is one of those things that as soon as you have enough, you discover enough isn’t enough. There has to be a less bulky way of saying that.

    Money Plateaus, perhaps? You can have enough to be comfortable where you are, but when you’re given a peek over the edge of the next stage, the crowd starts pushing you to start climbing again.

  52. Sneaky Squirrel*

    Oh, this just sounds like it would open up ill will towards some people. LW might be doing a favor by having a discrete conversation with someone in charge. Imagine one employee being celebrated with $100s of dollars for their promotion and someone else getting nothing because they’re less social/liked.

    With the exception of someone who I may be a supervisor of, I have never once celebrated someone’s promotion with money and a gift. If it was a supervisee, I’d take them to lunch, preferably on the company’s dime, to celebrate.

    1. HonorBox*

      Yeah, this is a fantastic point. The potential for inequality is great. If you do for one, you really have to do for all.

      Also, this flies in the face of gifts flow downward. If bosses want to get someone something because they were promoted, that’s their prerogative. But others shouldn’t be expected to contribute, just as everyone shouldn’t be chipping in for a ski vacation for the boss.

  53. Box of Rain*

    people would be horrified to realize a coworker was feeling this way and would be glad to step in and redirect the group toward cheaper or free options when this comes up in the future

    You’d be surprised. My last CEO and Ops Manager (in an org of 11 people) used work celebrations as an excuse to go to their favorite restaurants, where the average check was close to $100 per person. Sometimes they paid, but more often than not they didn’t. I scheduled other plans most times, so I couldn’t attend, because I could never tell which type of party it was. I always participated in the lowly office staff lunch where we could either bring our lunch or pay for takeout for the person who was leaving, their birthday, etc.

  54. Coverage Associate*

    Can you anonymously leave your agency’s gift policy in the printer? Or anonymously report to HR that your team needs a refresher?

    This doesn’t comport with what I know about federal guidelines for gifts among coworkers, especially if any of this is being organized by a manager.

    1. Urpa*

      Genuine question, having never worked in a federal job: I was under the impression gift rules applied more to outside companies, individuals etc not being able to give gifts TO federal employees, to avoid corruption or the appearance of it. Do the rules apply to gifting among fellow federal employees as well? I completely agree that this gifting is over the top, but it kind of doesn’t seem like their employer’s business if employees want to buy stuff for each other.

      1. Coverage Associate*

        Yes, there’s a better informed string above, but there are also federal rules about gifts among coworkers, even things like shared coffee makers or water coolers. I think a supervisor can buy their team a normal coffee maker (not like some fancy Italian import) and the team can take turns buying the coffee, but the boss can’t just make coffee available regularly in a federal office like it’s a business expense in private offices, even if the boss pays out of pocket.

        Your boss and coworkers can bribe you too, basically, and employees shouldn’t be pressured to give up their pay, is the thinking behind it.

        And for receptions and conferences and such attended by federal employees, there are even lists of foods that qualify as “snacks” (ok) v “more substantial” (not ok). Like coffee and tea with creamer available are ok, but not full glasses of milk. Something like that. I remember there were not snacks that seemed like snacks to me when I read the rules.

        2. The Giver*

          Like coffee and tea with creamer available are ok, but not full glasses of milk.

          Then they wonder why people gravitate to the private sector.

    2. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      Gift policy is usually using the agencies funds. It has no say on what individuals do with their own money.

  56. Library IT*

    I think there are two key things:
    1) Tone of how you opt out/ask for separate checks/suggest a cheaper place – if you cheerfully say “Oh, $50 is way out of my budget, here’s $5, thanks for collecting this” or “That restaurant looks delicious, but it is out of my price-zone. Can we try X instead?” most people will happily accept that. And if they push back, just keep being pleasant/cheerful about it.

    2) If things get awkward, push the awkwardness back on them (I think this is stolen from Captain Awkward). If someone is making it awkward that you can’t afford a fancy restaurant on your salary, the person who is asking should feel awkward, not you. “Michelin star restaurant on our salary? No way!” “The boss makes X amount more than us! I would be happy to throw in a 5 for good morale, but no more!” No one can make you feel awkward if you don’t let them. As long as you work with reasonable people, this should all fly!

  57. justpeachy86*

    Oh, OP…. my stomach was tied up in knots for you. It is totally ok to start setting up boundaries for yourself.

  58. Can’t think of anything clever*

    I once had a coworker tell me one of the things she admired about me was I didn’t “belong to a clique” and would speak up. If my meal cost $25 and someone wanted to split evenly and mine is now $30? Maybe. Mine is now $50? Hard no. I also pushed back on things like restaurant choices. It might help if you push back occasionally more in the vein of “That restaurant has terrible reviews. This one is much better…was great the day my family went there.”

  59. Qwerty*

    Having worked with plenty of rich traders, speak up! They were generally extremely pleasant about either switching to a cheaper alternatives or straight up having the rich people cover the whole bill. You may need to get involved in the picking of the gift / restaurant /etc to help recalibrate what a reasonable gift is (or even it is even an event worthy of a gift)

    The traders always left too much cash on the table during happy hour to cover some of the drinks for the developers who in turn made sure our front desk and facitities staff were always covered / waitress got a giant tip. If someone made it to a mid-career position without picking up on this, someone would pull them aside and explain the difference in finances to them. Sounds like your department lost its welcoming committee.

  60. ElliottRook*

    > To illustrate: our boss was out sick and my colleagues took up a collection to have a grossly overpriced snack basket sent to his home. I’m not just being dramatic; I made a bigger gift basket on the same theme that cost me a tenth what we paid for our boss’s present.

    Spoonful of Comfort? I got a lot of ads for them recently and went to look them up, thinking, “Oh, that’s sweet, $25 to send someone a few meals in a cute box would actually be a good pick-me-up for them” and then I got to the website and the cheapest packages were $99. NOPE.

  61. Cosmo*

    Honestly, answer one is the best. Talk to the boss and point out that its become a problem. And honestly its a bad look for a government agency.

    Giving a gift for a promotion seems completely off the wall to me.

    You could also suggest a “sunshine fund” or “morale committee” or similar. Basically one of those situations where anyone who wants to participate in group gifts agrees to pay $X a month and anyone who doesn’t want to participate is on their own to recognize their co-workers occasions.

  62. C*

    when the bill came everybody just said, “You know what? It’s Christmas! Let’s just split it!”

    Well, this, at least, could’ve been avoided. Next time you go out to eat, with anybody, preface your order with the words “I’ll need a separate check”. It’s best to do that before your order anyway – waiting until they bring the bill is more work for them.

  63. Raida*

    Firstly, figure out your budget for this stuff.

    Then, be bloody well candid about it:

    “At the start of the year I’ve done my annual household financial review (if you don’t do this already, start doing it, it’s a great way to dig out issues and get the budget baselined and measured), and the concessional spending on work gifts, work lunches, work [other] was way out of whack.
    I’ve added them in as a line item in my budget, and now I have allocated $x per week/fortnight/month/quarter to it.
    Tell you what though, it’s going to mean I contribute less if we keep up expensive gifts and meals! Or, hah, I’ll be all in at the start of the period, and then have zero in the kitty for a while!”
    and then “Oh yeah, even with a few meals I skipped it was $xxxx across a period of yyy! That’s totally unsustainable – would be completely irresponsible of me to continue. Hey, example, that gift basket we sent Boss? It was $x. I made one similar myself for $y. $Y! That’s literally z% we blew on, well, good marketing. So I don’t really feel bad about cutting back when in reviewing the spending a lot of it was just decisions made with an assumption of easy spending money in mind instead of value for money.”

  64. OP*

    or perhaps you are merely misreading things? “I mentioned this hobby” to Alison only. In this letter. For the benefit of you all. I have not been going around the workplace giving out gifts nor discussing my superpower. I do not understand why this is so hard for you alone to grasp or why you are being so aggressive about it.

  65. Adele*

    OP, you can talk to your boss/coworker like Allison suggested, but I’m really struck by how you have bent over backwards to avoid saying no, when you really don’t have to do that. It’s one thing when you’re dealing with splitting checks in the moment and don’t know how to do it without “outing” yourself as (relatively) poor, but paying for a second gift and not even giving the one you already spent money on? That’s just too much. “Oh, I actually already got a gift for her myself, it’s out in my car. Glad you guys are doing that, though!” is totally fine and you don’t have to make it awkward.

    I hope you’re able to find some good ideas here for proactively dealing with this in the future.

    1. OP*

      I didn’t chip in for the expensive coffee thing. But I’ll definitely be employing the whole “I actually already did something for the person” line should it come up in the future.

  66. Bananapants Modiste*

    It saddens me that OP as a federal employee sees the need to tread carefully in the current political climate.
    The news already reported about name lists of government employees being submitted to the White House for cuts and layoffs, so I understand that not being in the “expensive lunch&gifts” club doesn’t feel like great job security. I see two options:

    1. Swallow the expensive lunches aspart of the job cost (and quietly, anonymously report the gifting upwards), or
    2. start job hunting. Maybe use option 1 to improve the reference.

    I never said any of this is fair.

  67. WheresMyPen*

    We went out for a team meal at Christmas to a high street restaurant. My item was £11.50 and I just drank tap water, but at the end when our boss suggested splitting the bill as it was easier, each share came to £17, even though she was covering the wine. I think lots of people ordered sides and drinks. I brought it up and she said ‘oh well you just pay your meal then’ but there must have been other people at the table who would have had to pay more. I paid £15 in the end to cover the service charge and save arguments but it annoyed me when it would’ve been easy enough for everyone to work out what they’d had and pay separately (though I know this is a bit of a pain for the server having to do 13 different card payments).

    1. Just a GS in the Wild Wild Fed World*

      Hi there – I suggest requesting that all attendees bring sufficient cash and that the bills will be individual. We do this when our entire office has a group lunch.

  68. Just a GS in Wild Wild Fed World*

    OP, you work for a government agency. Fellow GS employee…please review the Ethics rules (https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-5/part-2635/subpart-C) on gift-giving. Some agencies may skirt compliance regarding gift-giving. Your agency seems like one of them. Perhaps, because of the majority of the office are wealthy they might not realize that this is an issue or noncompliant – but it doesn’t excuse their actions. Reference the ethics rules, if you find it appropriate should you choose to discuss the matter with your supervisor – afterwards send an email recapping the conversation as you can never be too careful: CYA.

  69. Andrew*

    If this is a US federal government agency, you should talk to your ethics since this is inappropriate. If its another type of government agency, similar rules apply.

  70. Fotze*

    I know I’m late to the party on this one. Just here to point out, that OP may or not be right about how “rich” their counterparts are. Frankly, from what I see online and from people I know, SO MANY of those people who throw money around and seem independently wealthy…are just racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Hell, there might also be someone else uncomfortable speaking up.
    I’ve been training my best friend (he works in IT) to think a little more about how much less I make than him when we do things together. Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t throw money around, but when he suggested we go to an $80 Aufguss together, he did preface it with “I don’t know if you’re comfortable spending the money.” Bless his heart, it was totally worth the $80 and I worked it in my budget.

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