is it bad for managers to sound frustrated?

by Alison Green on March 19, 2025

A reader writes:

I’m wondering whether a good boss should ever show impatience.

One of my employees, Jane, does a good job. I’ve given her a lot of (well-deserved) praise in public and private, and she’s said she’s happy in her work. However, she made a serious error the other day and when I brought it up with her, she shrugged and said it couldn’t be helped. I confess that my tone got impatient and I said something like, “No, we need to fix this because otherwise X.” I wasn’t shouting or otherwise being a jerk, but I definitely sounded impatient.

I could see she was surprised, probably because I am usually cheerful and mellow. We worked together in the moment and found a solution. But later that same day, I noticed she was teary at her desk and I asked what was wrong. She could only shake her head and so I said, “Okay, I’ll leave you alone but let me know if you want to take a break or something.”

Today I was meeting with another manager and she said, “I want to tell you something.” Evidently she too noticed that Jane was not okay and asked what was wrong. Jane answered that I’d been disrespectful to her, and that she needed to be respected at work or else she’d quit.

The other manager was really good about bringing it up with me, phrasing it in terms of, “I know you weren’t horrible to her and she was being oversensitive, I am just letting you know. Maybe just say it more gently next time.” I was taken aback because it never even occurred to me that I had upset her!

I found myself thinking that as I was going through my career, I have had a lot of harsh bosses who would shout and make demeaning comments. I didn’t think that saying something impatiently would even register with someone. Am I so inured now that I’m inadvertently perpetuating some of these negative patterns? The fact is, I’m responsible for the department’s work so if I point out a serious mistake, that needs to be taken seriously, not shrugged off. However, this has made me really question myself. Am I often upsetting people without even realizing it? Should I be more careful about sounding impatient or brusque while I am in this role?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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  1. Lluviata*

    What a great, nuanced answer. This is why I keep coming back to Ask A Manager!

    I learn more from the answers where Alison says “I don’t have the info to know, but here’s how you find out” than the ones where she can give a direct yes or no. These answers teach me what questions to ask myself to evaluate my own actions and situations AND guidelines on how to move through the world with respect for others and confidence in myself. I think we’ve all come away from an interaction thinking “Was that me? Was that them? What even happened? And what should I do now?” and having a way to examine it afterwards is sooo helpful.

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    2. Throwaway Account*

      I was hoping for an extension of the answer – something more about “here’s how you find out.”

      What should the manager do? If it is a problem with the OP’s tone, they can work on it. If it is Jane, and there is no reason to cut her some slack, what else can the OP do? How do you manage an employee who is sensitive in this way? AND who is telling other supervisors that the OP was rude?

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      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It’s a whole separate column when this one was already running long, but I’ve written a bunch of other columns on that that could help — here are a few:

        https://www.askamanager.org/2012/04/employee-gives-me-the-silent-treatment-when-i-give-him-feedback.html

        https://www.askamanager.org/2019/02/employee-goes-into-emotional-spirals-interviewers-who-ask-if-youre-applying-to-other-companies-and-more.html

        https://www.askamanager.org/2014/01/how-to-manage-an-employee-whos-argumentative-when-i-correct-her-work.html

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  2. MsMaryMary*

    I disagree a little with Alison. I think putting a little emotion in your tone can be necessary for some people to take what you’re saying seriously. Of course it would be bad if a manager always sounds frustrated or angry, and yelling is always bad. But a lot of people don’t take negative/developmental feedback seriously (or can’t tell the difference between really serious issues and minor corrections) if it’s always delivered calmly.

    I have a client who is a very calm, soft spoken person. I’ve had to have multiple conversations with vendor partners because they don’t realize how concerning an issue is because she doesn’t sound upset when they miss a deadline or communicate incorrectly to one of her employees. Then they’re caught off guard when she wants to change vendors. I’ve literally told people if my client sounds mildly exasperated, they need to treat that as if someone else yelled at them.

    I’m not going to tell my client to change what she’s doing because there are a lot of other issues with how women and minorities need to express themselves to seem “professional,” but without a little edge in someone’s tone feedback can go unheard.

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    1. Nina*

      I think people also need to pay attention to clients, and address issues whenever a client brings them up, even in a calm tone. You can’t rely on being yelled at as your barometer for when things are serious. Your client wasn’t in the wrong – the vendor partners are.

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      1. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

        Yeah, if someone disregards things I am requesting or problems I am raising until I get obviously upset at them, it’s going to damage our relationship. If it was a pattern that I kept being “unheard” when I expressed an issue clearly but calmly, I’d go looking for new vendors too. I don’t enjoy rewarding a baby sparrow approach to feedback.

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        1. Hannah Lee*

          Agreed, if a vendor or internal supplier is not listening when I’m communicating calmly, professionally, it’s not on me to raise my emotional temperature or demeanor. It’s on them to pay attention to what I am saying and act on it in some way (even if their action is to say “I disagree that’s a top priority” because then we can have a conversation and move forward.)

          With an external vendor, I might raise the issue again, but if they don’t take action / show that my concern is on their radar, after something has been raised a 2-3 times, I’m looking for a different vendor for that product or service. Their lack of responsiveness has damaged the trust in that relationship … you can’t be bothered hearing my words? I can’t be bothered to send business your way.

          Internally, that looks more like, if I let them know they need to do/provide xyz as part of their job so I can do my job, and I follow up with them professionally and cordially a couple of times and they still don’t do it, my next step is to request it in person in front of their manager, or by email with their manager cc’d, followed by notifying my manager that I can’t complete whatever because Guy isn’t following up with his part.

          I’m not going to hound them like they’re a child who forgot to take out the trash or blow up at them like I’m a child who can’t control my temper. I don’t have time or emotional bandwidth for that nonsense at work.

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    2. Grumpy Elder Millennial*

      I see your point here. A total absence of emotion in communication would make anyone come off like a robot. And it’s a good sign that the LW’s response was to seriously consider their own behaviour, rather than dismissing Jane as overly sensitive.

      My take on the overall situation depends on what the LW meant by an impatient tone. (Which is why I like Alison’s advice of doing some fact-finding). Particularly since it’s relative to the LW’s usual tone of being cheerful and mellow. “Impatient” here could mean being clear and direct in a respectful way. It could also mean expressing a level of frustration that is too high. Or anywhere in between. It also matters if this was a one-off thing to be mindful of or if the LW has some history of expressing frustration.

      Maybe the LW did take things too far. It also could be that the departure from the norm was a bit of a shock to Jane. Especially if she was trying to protect herself from the ego threat of having made a big mistake.

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    3. blood orange*

      Yeah, I’m having trouble formulating my opinion on this. I do agree that in most cases, a manager/leader’s word carries weight enough to get the message across. I think it does with many employees. However, I’ve also encountered a few where conveying some impatience or just a more firm tone seemed to be the only effective way for them to hear they made a mistake that they need to take seriously.

      I’m thinking of two examples in particular – one was a young man, and I do think me being a woman was a factor. He had a more obstinate personality in general. The other, however, was a woman, and multiple managers gave her the feedback that she didn’t seem to hear negative feedback unless she had the memory of someone conveying frustration.

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      1. Despachito*

        I think this was exactly the case, as the first interaction with Jane was not frustrated but Jane shrugged and said the situation can’t be helped.

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      2. Elbe*

        Social cues at work vary quite a lot from the social cues that exist in other environments. Learning to interpret them is one of the skills that workers are supposed to develop as they spend time in the workforce (and why being a young employee in a toxic environment is so harmful).

        I think it makes a lot of sense that younger employees, in particular, would benefit from showing emotions that were more similar to what they would encounter in social contexts, except scaled back to fit a professional environment. No one is born knowing that “per my last email” means “Next time, read more thoroughly so I don’t have to repeat myself!”

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    4. Elbe*

      Agreed.

      In a professional context, your emotions need to be dialed way back from what would be acceptable in a purely social environment. But not showing emotion at all can also be problematic. Tone and body language are huge factors in how humans communicate, and being entirely neutral can be genuinely confusing and counter-intuitive for people.

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    5. Not In Charge*

      Idk, if my boss gives me feedback of something that needs to happen, I listen. Even if Jane doesn’t think it’s a big deal, she should have the sense to act on it because the boss said so, or at least respond in a more productive way than shrugging and saying it can’t be helped. “This is a very serious issue, and I need you to treat it as such and do XYZ” stated calmly should be all that it takes.

      If OP can’t communicate with her employee in a calm way, that’s an employee problem to solve with them, not an OP problem that needs to be solved with getting mad.

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    6. Coverage Associate*

      It’s definitely been an issue with my spouse that if I state calmly that I have an emotion, that it doesn’t register that I have the emotion. And some of these are things very similar to issues in the workplace, such as, “I was very frustrated that you didn’t get me the documentation of your medical expenses when you said you would, because it meant I couldn’t do the taxes when I had set the time aside to do them. Instead, I had to cancel X so I could do them later but before the deadline.”

      Whether those exact words would be acceptable at work depends on what X is. Certainly I have been in a position where X was something like a client call, and a manager could add about how it weakens the client relationship when schedules have to be rearranged like this. I would use different words at work if X was something personal. Then it would be more general about meeting deadlines and respecting coworkers’ time.

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    7. PurpleShark*

      There are also some cultural considerations around this. Communication can be read differently depending on what lens you are viewing it from, and it is not good to suggest that all situations can be read the same way.

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      1. Disappointed with the Staff*

        It’s also common with some ND people and (c)PTSD sufferers. They work hard to present as pleasant and friendly because that’s the mask they have. Or people with alexithymia take a while to discover that they have an emotional response and work out what that is.

        PTSD is perhaps a useful example here because the jump is rarely from polite and friendly to mildly irritated, it’s to some kind of breakdown. Ignoring someone until they break down isn’t wise.

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    8. ThisIshRightHere*

      This has absolutely been my experience. I had an employee claim to be blindsided by a PIP. When I reminded her about the many (many!) times I’d previously counseled her on performance issues, she replied “but I never knew you were mad.” I mean, I wasn’t mad. But I was speaking plain English about what she was doing wrong and what I needed her to correct, why and by when. Evidently, she also needed me to “sound frustrated.”

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      1. MigraineMonth*

        I think you’ve put your finger on something here. If you’re waiting until your manager sounds frustrated/angry before absorbing feedback, you’re sort of treating your manager as if they’re an easily-frustrated parent. It seems to point to a broader misunderstanding of the professional world and relationships within it.

        When I worked at my toxic workplace, people routinely communicated with quite a bit of frustration and sometimes anger because we were all crabs in a bucket. When I moved on to a less toxic one, the feedback was a lot more “here is where the work is at, here is where it has to be, do you think you can make these changes within the next 3 months?”

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        1. ThisIshRightHere*

          I agree with the parent-child example you gave. I also had a domestic employee (pointing out the nature of the work because due to the workplace also being the employer’s home it can be a bit easier for folks to apply family frameworks to what should be professional relationships) who simply would NOT absorb feedback unless I raised my voice or explicitly threatened to fire her. I let her go partly because I was uncomfortable with that dynamic. We should be able to have a positive working relationship, even if there is occasional critical feedback. I don’t know why she only responded to that kind of harshness, but I didn’t want to let myself get accustomed to disrespecting an employee in order to force results. Even if she seemed not to mind it.

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          1. Katie Impact*

            I think people who operate like this often have a belief along the lines of “well, firing me would have a huge negative impact on my life, so nobody would do that to me unless they were really, really angry at me on a personal level”. Which, yes, pretty much comes down to assuming that business relationships work on the same rules as personal ones.

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  3. Millennial Manager*

    Is a manager saying “No, we need to fix this because otherwise X,” being disrespectful, now? I would appreciate that kind of clarification so that I remember and don’t make the same mistake again. Personally, I struggle with this type of thing as a leader (full disclosure I’m also ASD/ADHD). People tell me I’m too direct, but isn’t clear and direct a kindness? They also tend to infer things about what I say and not taking me at word, which is frustrating because I mean what I say and nothing else.

    I was also once told during an annual review that someone on my team thinks that I can be “belittling” – I was so taken aback and had no idea what this was in reference to, I felt horrible that someone on my team felt that way. When I asked my manager for examples about what this was in reference to, they said that they would ask the person who gave the feedback and when I followed up they told me to just forget that feedback and block it out of my mind.

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    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Is a manager saying “No, we need to fix this because otherwise X,” being disrespectful, now?

      No, it’s not! In this case it’s tone that was a possible issue, and it’s still not clear if it was one (“I confess that my tone got impatient”).

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      1. AnotherSarah*

        Not the person that started this thread, but I was thinking the same thing. This explanation makes sense, but I’m still stuck on the idea that the employee felt disrespected. To me, that framing makes her a less reliable indicator of OP’s tone.

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        1. Jojo*

          I work for one of the chillest people I’ve ever meet. If he sounded impatient when speaking to me, it would be a VERY BIG DEAL. So, I wouldn’t discount the employees reaction,

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          1. CubeFarmer*

            But…does that necessarily mean it’s disrespectful? I know what you mean, but perhaps the employee deserved that impatience.

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          2. not nice, don't care*

            The thing is, the employee’s reaction should then include paying attention to the VERY BIG DEAL, not shrugging off their boss instead.

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        2. Ace in the Hole*

          I can imagine those words being said in a way that’s perfectly fine. I can also easily imagine the same words being said in a tone that’s condescending, unduly irritated, and just plain mean. The latter would be disrespectful.

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          1. Saturday*

            Yeah, I think the tone was what seemed disrespectful. Whether feeling that way was an over-the-top reaction or not is still a question, but I think it was all about the tone, not the words.

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          2. Military Prof*

            I have a colleague that has a tendency to speak to the room full of peers as if we’re children in an elementary class whenever said individual gets frustrated or impatient. Nothing they say is wrong, in terms of the actual words used. But, it’s pretty hard not to feel disrespected when the tone suggests condescending to a six-year-old, rather than a group in their thirties, forties, and fifties, most of whom hold terminal degrees and decades of experience.
            In the same way, body language can create a feeling of disrespect, even if the words and tone are acceptable. This might have been delivered with some form of gestures or facial expressions that conveyed disrespect, regardless of what was said.

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            1. MigraineMonth*

              I have a colleague (who I fortunately don’t have to work with often) who says everything in a friendly, helpful, collaborative tone, but the actual content is disrespectful because he simply disregards everything anyone else says. What a wonderful variety of humanity exists in the world!

              Him: “Oh, the mistake I made is easy to fix. Just roll everything back.”

              Me: “Actually, it isn’t simple to fix. We can’t roll everything in the database back since you made the mistake a week ago. Here are some workarounds we’re looking at instead.”

              Him: “But it’s easy to fix. You can just roll everything back.”

              Me: “No, we can’t roll the database back. We’d lose an entire week’s data. Here are the workarounds we’re deciding between.”

              Him: “Okay, but it’s a simple fix. You just need to use SQL.”

              Me: “… Yeeeeesssss, we’d be using SQL for any of these options. Again, it isn’t a simple fix, which is why we’re deciding between these workarounds. Let’s go with option A.”

              Him: “Sounds good, but I still think we should have rolled the database back. It would have made the fix really simple.”

              All delivered in a sweet-as-pie tone where he’s just trying to help and I’m checking to see if I’ve accidentally fallen into a time loop.

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        3. Baunilha*

          I agree. Both the employee’s reaction to the error, and later when they brought it up with another manager, make me question her judgement.

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        4. Goldfeesh*

          She might have said she was feeling “disrespected” to the other manager because that sounds better than saying “I messed up and I feel really hurt and stupid (because I’m feeling hurt) in the moment” to another person. If I’m teary at work there’s no way I’m going to say how I’m really feeling in the moment- I’m too embarrassed and mad at myself for being teary.

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          1. Identifying and Correcting Mistakes is Everyone's Responsibility*

            Maybe, but threatening to quit kind of suggests it isn’t just a covering mechanism.

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        5. ThisIshRightHere*

          Some people interpret displeasure as disrespect. Nearly anytime they hear something they’d rather not hear (especially if it’s of a critical nature), they default to the interaction being “disrespectful.”

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          1. Rex Libris*

            This. I’ve had employees where “unheard” means “unagreed with” and “disrespected” means “I didn’t like the feedback.”

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        6. mreasy*

          It’s hard for me to imagine a “disrespectful” tone that isn’t a raised or yelling voice, and I think we have to trust that OP would have told us if that’s what happened. Sounding slightly exasperated and giving the feedback OP shared isn’t “disrespectful,” even if it might feel bad to the employee. I am also side-eying their reaction for that reason.

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      2. Great Frogs of Literature*

        I once felt very disrespected when my department head’s response to “Can we discuss what the initial steps of the project would be?” was something along the lines of “No, we can’t!” combined with [another] reiteration of how important it was to get the final steps of the project correct. The words weren’t harsh, but the tone was equivalent to being smacked down in front of the entire department.

        It was a project that could be modular — we could have done upwards of 85% of it without any impact to the Very Important final steps he was so worried about. But instead of fixing that 85% (and making things easier for all of us folks who actually had to use the system) or even doing initial discovery about what needed to be done, we just kept going round and round on the same hour-long lecture about how we couldn’t mess up the end of the project.

        I had one foot firmly out the door as a result of that single interaction. And as far as I know, they never did make any progress on the project.

        My boss now will tell me “No, we can’t do that because X” in much larger meetings, and it wouldn’t occur to me to be offended, because he’s treating me like a competent professional whose ideas have value and deserve consideration.

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    2. Wellie*

      Autistic-direct is A LOT more direct than allistic-direct. There is a lot of nuance to “direct is kind.” Direct isn’t inherently unkind, but it’s not automatically kind, either.
      The comment section is not the venue to give you coaching on how to stay kind while being direct. I recommend finding an actual coach to help with that.

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    3. Thegreatprevaricator*

      Yes. I felt myself getting impatient with Jane just reading that letter :D. Fortunately I am not a people manager, but this kind of thing is where I really appreciate seeing what the norm is. Also ADHD, also favour a more direct form of communication although I’m pretty good at couching it in a way that people can hear it

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      1. Decima Dewey*

        If an employee who’s made a serious error shrugs off feedback with “it couldn’t be helped,” I wouldn’t blame a manager for replying in a frustrated tone.

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        2. Alice*

          I’m just wondering how the conversation ended up at “it couldn’t be helped.” That doesn’t seem like a logical response to OP saying something like, “this is a big problem; we need to fix it asap.” Wouldn’t responses like “Ok, I will fix it” or “It will be hard to fix because of X” fit better?

          The only way I could imagine saying “it couldn’t be helped” in a discussion about a mistake would be if my interlocutor was repeating “this shouldn’t have happened!” several times. At that point, maybe it is logical (though not productive) to respond, “it couldn’t be helped – there were not enough resources to do it right” or “it can’t be helped – the mistake is made and it can’t be unmade.” (Presumably the second wouldn’t apply here, because a fix was possible in the end.)

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          1. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

            I’ve said thinks like “it couldn’t be helped” in situations where it literally couldn’t—a key person was unexpectedly unavailable, things had been cross-scheduled and I couldn’t get direction on which was the priority, insufficient resources were allocated, leadership over promised or change priorities at the last minute, that sort of thing. I agree that it’s not a great response, but given that LW indicates that Jane is generally a good performer, I’d be curious about the specific situation. How avoidable *was* the mistake? How much control did Jane have over the situation? If she’s usually not flippant, what’s going on?

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            1. YetAnotherAnalyst*

              Yeah, my own dirty lens immediately read this as Jane having been given constraints or priorities A, B, and C previously, having flagged outcome Z as the probable outcome, getting told to figure it out, and then getting called out on Z as a “mistake”. Obviously that’s fanfiction in this case, but having been in those shoes before, my reaction was very like Jane’s.

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    4. Good Lord Ratty*

      As another person who is autistic, I will say that being clear is kind. Being “direct” can be kind, but one person’s direct isn’t always another’s. Sometimes it means being blunt to the point of rudeness, which is not really ok. Of course, YMMV on where the rudeness line is, and this is determined not only by whether someone is autistic or not but also by cultural concerns – some countries/cultures are high-context (e.g., Japan, India, Russia) whereas others are low-context (e.g., Nordic countries, Germany, Brazil).

      So I would say being clear is best, but “directness” is contingent on a number of factors and is not an inherent good. It’s also about knowing your audience.

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      1. Mamma Mia!*

        I love this take. “Respect” is somewhat of a loaded word because of how different that can look across cultures, and not just between countries, but within them — in the US, I worked in and with companies on the West Coast, the South, the Midwest, and New England, and while it wasn’t like I needed to adjust everything I said every minute of every day, there were certainly some considerations. I tended to couch things more positively in the West, more familiarly in the South, more apologetically in the Midwest, and more bluntly in New England. But you’re right that what they all appreciated was just being clear.

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    5. Elle*

      Speaking as someone who is also ADHD/ASD, there are some people who are never going to be okay with our tone. Sometimes it’s cultural, sometimes it’s a person’s background, and sometimes it’s just their personality, but they will never not see a direct style of communication as acceptable. I always, always examine my tone as objectively as I can and figure out where I can make tweaks, but I’ve also learned to accept that some people simply are put off my communication style and will take neutral things as “disrespectful.”

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      2. JB (not in Houston)*

        Yes, but also, as Good Lord Ratty said above, what “direct” means different things to different people, but being *clear* is good. The OP’s wording was clear, and it was fine, but the tone might not have been.

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    6. Beth*

      The words themselves are fine. Sometimes managers need to give critical feedback, and direct, clear corrections are generally a good way to do that. (Better than dancing around it and hoping your team member takes the hint!)

      But when you’re giving critical feedback, tone is really important. Receiving critical feedback from a manager is inherently stressful, even if you have a great relationship with them. Stressed people are more likely to have big reactions to little things. If a manager sounds angry or annoyed or frustrated while giving that feedback, their team member is likely to feel even more stressed and thrown off by the conversation, and odds are good that they’ll struggle to take the feedback on board productively. On the other hand, if the manager sounds calm and solution-oriented, it can help the team member relax and take the feedback as a learning opportunity.

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    7. Smithson*

      Is a manager saying “No, we need to fix this because otherwise X,” being disrespectful, now?

      In response to information that the error was unavoidable, yes. There are plenty of situations with unavoidable errors, such as having to make judgment calls under time constraints, incomplete or unclear information, having to rush a program out on a deadline even when an uncommonly used subprocess hasn’t been thoroughly tested.

      Focusing on the mistake instead of on the solution is problem 1, treating “this was not realistically avoidable” as “I do not care about this issue and am not interested in fixing it” is deeply unfair to Jane.

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      1. ThisIshRightHere*

        Thanks for pointing out that Jane’s response to OP’s initial comment actually didn’t make much sense in context. If your boss points out a mistake and says it needs to be fixed, one of VERY few logical responses to that feedback is “ok, boss. I’ll work on fixing it.” The “couldn’t be helped” commentary is really only relevant in response to a question about why the error occurred in the first place. Since OP knows that her instruction was about fixing an error but Jane’s response was irrelevant (not to mention concerningly cavalier), a redirection was definitely needed. And I can see why it might need to be a fairly abrupt redirection.

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      2. Beth*

        That depends on whether the issue was actually unavoidable. Some errors can’t be avoided. Many can.

        If a manager sees an employee making a mistake that the employee says is unavoidable, it’s their job to understand whether it’s genuinely unavoidable vs whether the employee might lack the resources to avoid it. Sometimes the solution is something outside the employee’s scope, so it IS unsolvable to them, but it’s not unsolvable to the manager. (I’m thinking of the number of problems I’ve had that have come down to “Someone higher up than me needs to make sales stop over-promising, or this is going to keep happening.”) Sometimes it’s a sign that the employee was never trained on something, or needs a piece of software that they didn’t know was available, or needs their workload adjusted because they’re chronically overwhelmed and starting to drop balls. It’s the manager’s job to make sure their team is equipped to solve problems.

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  4. tina turner*

    Sometimes putting something in writing is helpful.
    But it can backfire too so you have to be careful.

    I’d want to “clarify” for her that talking to ANOTHER MGR. about you is inappropriate unless there’s some reason it isn’t. Are you “co-mgrs.”? Didn’t sound like it.

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    1. RIP Pillowfort*

      I think that’s way too unkind to Jane. She should be able to talk to another manager without seeking permission! I’ve had people come to me because they didn’t know how to approach their manager before. There was nothing wrong about getting advice or help.

      And we don’t know why Jane felt disrespected. I’ve been at my wits end with life stuff and just taken a very normal comment the wrong way. The OP needs to talk about the issue with Jane and just find out what is going on.

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    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I think it’s okay for employees to talk to other managers for advice or for their take on a situation, etc. They should be aware that the other manager is likely to say something to their manager, but I don’t see anything inherently wrong with the conversation having taken place.

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    3. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Jane answered the other manager’s question. She did not initiate the conversation.

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  5. el l*

    Depends on the trigger. I for one would be can’t-hide-it frustrated if someone made a medium-grade or higher mistake, and shrugged and said “Couldn’t be helped.”

    The attitude would probably bother me even more than the initial mistake.

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    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Agree about the frustration and I still think as a manager I would need to tamp down the expression. For full context, I’m a cis white woman who is very verbal and direct and I’m often perceived as intimidating. That’s been an issue throughout my career and is now compounded since I’ve aged from a baby-faced 30-year-old to a 64 year-old who looks my age. I’ve been in this situation and find I have to step away for at least a few minutes to get myself in hand and then continue the conversation. “I hear you saying…My concerns are…(allow for response)…what I need is…”

      And then go home and vent to my spouse or a friend.

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    2. Dust Bunny*

      (I am not a manager, but) yeah, this would irritate me more than average, too, and as an employee I cannot picture making such a response to my supervisor until I knew for sure that she wouldn’t think it was a serious mistake–I would always err on the side of “she might think this is a bigger deal than I do”.

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  6. Dasein9 (he/him)*

    Honestly, if the only emotions I ever hear from a manager are positive, I’m not likely to trust that manager. Within reasonable and professional boundaries, I need to know what to expect when things get frustrating and how to steer away from being the cause of frustration. If a manager never lets me in on what’s not working, I can’t prevent it.

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    1. wordswords*

      Sure, but a manager can calmly say “we need to fix this because X,” or even “I admit I’m kind of frustrated here, can you explain to me how this happened?” or whatever. I agree that I want to know that my manager will tell me when something is a problem, but also with Alison that (within reason) a manager should try to keep the visible/audible frustration to a minimum — although as with many things, there’s more flexibility with a working relationship that’s close and longstanding — and try hard to not show anger etc. But that definitely doesn’t preclude being direct about problems.

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  7. Pennilyn Lott*

    I would be curious to know people’s thoughts about betraying mild impatience to a colleague or direct report when you are put in a position to repeat yourself multiple times in a row.
    I have two colleagues, one of whom reports to me, who are both very passive. We work in a creative field, and they are both in production-type roles. Though they each have over 30 years of work experience, they do best when explicitly told what do, in a step-by-step way. This is not a preferred method of working in this industry, and typically we would want people to have good critical thinking and independent decision making skills, but in this case, these folks often don’t. They certainly wont lose their jobs for it, so its up to the rest of us to adapt to people’s differing personalities and methods of working.
    The problem for me comes in when I am trying to ask for a basic revision to work (exceptionally normal), get clarity around someone’s needs, or remind someone where we want to prioritize our efforts — and I have to repeat myself three or four times.
    It amounts to feeling like I am not being listened to, so on round four of the same sentiment (trust me when I say I am not speaking in a complicated way here), I often sound less friendly, and more firm, verging on impatient. I will often default to slower, firmer speech (never even close to yelling or raising my voice) in order to manage the frustration of feeling ignored, but I worry that any deviation from pleasant and friendly will be perceived as disrespectful.
    How do you manage to have no emotional affect when the people you are speaking to wont take you at your word, or seem unable to process what you are saying?

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      1. Pennilyn Lott*

        I am one of these folks’ managers and I am afraid that all attempts to increase this person’s comprehension have not been successful (I have been their manager for about 6-7 years, though they have been with us for 22). Our work has become more sophisticated over time, and they have remained at the same level as they were in the past. We’ve basically decided to treat this seasoned employee as though they were relatively new (it’s not “50 first dates” but that’s the first thing that comes to mind, ha.).
        My issues essentially comes down to their stubbornness (they have a hard time letting go of things they think are important, even in the face of evidence to the contrary), combined with a likely medically related slower processing time than all other colleagues. That’s why I feel so bad when I reach the point of exasperation.

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        1. Jaydee*

          Stop repeating the same thing 3-4 times to the point you become frustrated. Say it once. If necessary, say it twice. But after that, if this employee comes back with the same question or concern or comment you’ve already addressed, say in a very neutral tone “I’ve already answered that twice, and the answer isn’t going to change. Can you help me understand what else you’re looking for?” That way if it’s a genuine confusion/slow processing speed issue, you can hopefully get right to that issue and explain what needs to be explained and potentially identify some ways that either you can communicate more clearly to this employee or the employee can better retain/understand information (e.g. taking notes, repeating info back to you).

          If it’s not a genuine issue and the employee just doesn’t like your answer, you’ve kind of called their bluff. They either have to come up with a legitimate source of confusion (doesn’t sound like they’re likely able to pivot to that very quickly) or they have to acknowledge they just don’t like the answer or wanted to rehash the topic.

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    2. KOALA*

      I wonder of Alison’s often advice of “name the problem” might help. If you can keep a couple examples of occasions its happened on hand the next time it happens when you get to the third round stop and say/ask if there is something about the way you are communicating it that unclear.

      If they say no, then you can say well on xyz occasions this has happened and I’m starting to feel as though I’m being ignored/not listened to. Since I know that’s not your intention what can we do to resolve this.

      Which would either make them aware that they need to do something different on their end to retain the information or they need to actually think about what they need differently from you. And if they say yes, hopefully they have something concrete that can be accommodated or you can work together to find a solution.

      You might also think of what you could ask them to try differently to retain the information. Or if you can keep a written record that you could forward to refer them to.

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      1. Pennilyn Lott*

        I like this. Both of these people are certainly nice, almost to a fault, so I know there’s no mal intent (sometimes its almost the opposite, they behave like they’re afraid of putting someone out, to the point of frustration), so calmly naming what’s going on might help them reorient their behavior to align with what their intent seems to be. Thank you!

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  8. KOALA*

    It sounds like in the moment you were mildly alarmed by her cavalier attitude. Dismissing a serious error as “it couldn’t be helped” showed a serious lack of appropriate judgement on her part. Not saying that she always has bad judgement but she did in that moment.

    So it’s not surprising that you would be alarmed and respond abruptly with, no this is not ok. I’m speculating that maybe she interpreted the additional feedback as “berating” her since you didn’t just let it go at her cavalier statement, and that’s what made her feel disrespected. But in kind it was a bit disrespectful of her to dismiss your feedback.

    Alison’s advice to check in with your peers about your style is great, just in case there is something that can be adjusted, but the way the coworker told you about it it seems like you are already usually considered respectful. It seems like you are a conscientious enough person and something about her saying “she needs to be respected at work or she’ll quit” seems out of proportion to one(as far as we know) instance of more abrupt feedback.

    At the least it gives you feedback about how she responds to coaching, which in the future could help you present her feedback with the “why it’s important and what consequences it causes” upfront.

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    1. Mad Scientist*

      I thought the same! It’s a pretty extreme reaction to what seems like one instance of critical feedback, and potentially the first time she received negative feedback, since the LW mentions she has given this employee a lot of praise so far. Shrugging it off when your manager asks you to fix a problem is already a red flag, but her reaction later is a red flag to me too.

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  9. HonorBox*

    I think it is completely fair for managers to sound frustrated. Managers are people and people have emotions. I don’t think managers should be frustrated to the point of raising their voice or saying something disrespectful, but to ask that someone not ever show any type of negative emotion is asking a lot, especially if there’s a major mistake. We don’t know what the messaging was from OP’s bosses or from a client about that mistake. And the reaction from Jane may have made OP – understandably – more frustrated. To have someone shrug off any sort of mistake isn’t good to hear, but if it is something significant, that reaction is understandably going to raise someone’s blood pressure.

    I’d have probably suggested going back to Jane and apologizing for tone. But at the same time, if Jane had written in, I think I’d have suggested that she made a fairly significant mistake and then compounded it by telling her boss it wasn’t a big deal and nothing could be done to fix it.

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  10. pcake*

    When Jane said it couldn’t be helped, I would first have asked why it couldn’t be helped. Is there a missing piece of the puzzle there that could have been found out as to WHY she said it couldn’t be helped – lack of support from a co-worker, internet went down when needed, something else?

    If Jane is a good employee, it sounds like she’s not a great communicator, but if she had a reason why it couldn’t be helped, perhaps she felt she did her best, and in that circumstance, she may have felt yelled at.

    Also some people sound angry when they’re impatient. At one time, I was one of them. I learned to control it when I discovered a few people were afraid of me. I didn’t want people to be scared of me, and scared people don’t listen as well, so it was a mix of being kind – I never want people to feel bad – and practicality to learn to control my impatience.

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  11. HB*

    No manager should ever yell. Her answer of “it couldn’t be helped ” after a large error is snippy and dismissive. I hope that was addressed with her.

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    1. Zona the Great*

      IME, whether intentional or not, people who jump right to, “I was disrespected/you were rude” after being corrected are covering their fear, shame, or embarrassment. And not very well.

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  12. Sarah*

    I’m so so SO tired of this kind of emotional policing in the workplace. Obviously yelling/screaming, calling people names, or otherwise having a tantrum are all NOT okay. But I can’t tell you how much time I have wasted sitting in a manager’s office being lectured because I’m a human and I was irritated and I’m not perfect and I sounded irritated.

    I’m also really tired of managers micro-managing interpersonal relationships. Either be an adult and say, “Hey, you seem irritated; is everything okay?” or have the self-confidence to think to yourself, “I haven’t done anything to irritate her so it’s probably about something else and I’m not gonna take it personally and I’m just give her some space.”

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    1. Not your typical admin*

      I totally agree with this! Humans have all kinds of emotions, and situations arise that are frustrating. Acting like everything is fine when it’s not is not helpful for anyone.

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    2. some dude*

      Totally. It also feels manipulative to make this about how the manager getting upset about the mistake rather than the mistake.

      Yes, the manager shouldn’t be a jerk to the employee, but the employee needs to be able to have someone be short with them without completely melting down and threatening to quit.

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    3. Taylor Swift*

      I’m an imperfect human who sometimes sounds irritated and so are a lot of the people I’ve worked with over the years and it’s never resulted in a lecture in the principal’s office. The fact that it does for you leads me to believe you’re more out of line than you think you are.

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  13. Neither Here Nor There*

    What stands out to me is that the employee described it as being “disrespected,” which is a very strong word. I have totally gone to cry at my desk when I realized that I did something wrong and got told it was Very Serious, but it was because I felt ashamed. “Disrespected” feels more like… you feel someone undermined, demeaned, made fun of, or insulted you? I have a hard time imagining that just tone or the level of irritation being the difference between “embarrassed” and “disrespected” unless, I don’t know, you sound wildly sarcastic or demeaning, somehow?

    Unless the manager is leaving out something really major, it sounds like they handled it fine.

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    1. umami*

      That stood out to me too. Saying you will quit because you feel disrespected in this type of exchange is not scorched earth, but definitely charred. I experienced something similar when I was mentoring an employee concerning how they handled a situation with one of their direct reports. We had a great relationship, so I felt it would help her get better at employee relations, whereas she ended up teary-eyed and asking for a union rep because she thought she was being disciplined! She was an extremely high performer, and no one had ever given her that kind of feedback before, so she thought she was in trouble until I explained that it was actually the opposite – I was investing time in mentoring her because I wanted her to have all the tools she needed to excel as a leader. It worked out great, but it was definitely a record-scratch moment!

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    2. Elizabeth West*

      I’m with you; I didn’t understand the use of this word in this context.

      I think of disrespect the way you outlined, with the possible addition of intimidated if the intent was to scare someone into a reaction the way shouting would do. Sounding irritated is not shouting, unless OP raised their voice, which could be construed as “yelling” even indirectly.

      But if I were Jane, I would be mortified at making a huge mistake, and I’d expect my manager to be irritated! I can’t imagine being that dismissive of it.

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  14. umami*

    Wow, it sounds like Jane isn’t good at accepting critique – I can see being upset if my boss was impatient with me because I didn’t understand how important something was, but to say you were disrespected and thinking of quitting sounds like an extreme reaction. I would definitely want to follow up with Jane to clarify that while being obviously impatient with her could have been handled better, accepting feedback from your boss without catastrophizing is just as important. They need some kind of clearing of the air here!

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  15. Despachito*

    I’d say from OP’s letter that it is more likely this is a Jane problem.

    I assume so from Jane’s reactions. There was a problem that needed to be solved, lest it caused some issue. OP told Jane in a normal tone of voice.

    Red flag 1 – Jane shrugged and said it couldn’t be helped. This is not an appropriate response if a manager tells you there is a problem that needs to be fixed. A normal thing would be to try to fix it, or say that it was impossible to fix because of A, B, C. But Jane behaved like “so I made a mistake, so what?”

    OP’ s frustration was very understandable – if the problem is not fixed, it will cause more serious issues down the line. She did not yell, she wasn’t rude, she did not swear. All she did was to sound more serious.

    Red flag 2 – Jane called this disrespectful (mind you, OP is her boss and just told her to fix a mistake) and even threatened to quit over this. This is a very weird reaction of a subordinate in such a situation. Does she expect to never be corrected, or if she is, tell her boss that she is not going to fix the error?

    I don’t think OP was too harsh, on the contrary. I think she is too mild and because she is honest, she is (unnecessarily) questioning her own style of management while there was probably nothing wrong with it.

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  16. Timothy (TRiG)*

    I once did some work (coding), messed up, and deleted it. (I did something funny with my version control system.) My boss came by to check up on me, and I told him what had happened, and that I was getting on with redoing it while it was still fresh in my mind so I could work fast. He was irritated that I wasn’t more upset. I told him that I could wail and performatively tear my hair out if he liked, but I felt it would be more useful to get on with things. He thought about that, and left me alone.

    This is, admittedly, only tangentially relevant, but “tone” can sometimes be a distraction.

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  17. Heffalump*

    Even if Jane was right in saying the mistake couldn’t be helped, she should understand why the manager would be upset, and she shouldn’t be cavalier about it.

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  18. Coverage Associate*

    Very interesting conversation. I think it’s ok to communicate emotion at work, but expressing it can be tricky.

    By communicating emotion, in lots of offices, there are things reports do to accommodate managers that don’t have a direct business purpose. Maybe a manager wants email subjects a certain way to make it easier to go through their inboxes. It’s not about making a good product or increasing revenue or something directly related to the business. If a report is messing up their emails, it’s ok for the manager to explain that they feel disorganized or anxious because their inbox is a mess. It’s probably important for both the manager and the report to understand that this is just how the boss likes it, but has real consequences for the boss if skipped. But if the boss comes to the report all anxious, it would be natural for the report to address the anxiety, trying to just calm the manager down, rather than fixing their emails.

    At the same time, I don’t like for the workplace to require certain emotions in reports, or emotion expressed a certain way. In my work, by the time a manager has a chance to address a mistake with me, I am probably aware of it and have considered preventative steps for the future. I’m not going to perform shame, and I honestly struggle to perform gravity. I will acknowledge with words that something is a big deal, or at least acknowledge that something is a big deal to the boss, but I’m not going to play George Washington hanging his head with his hatchet. I have had managers fish for that (“Do you really understand how important this was?” “Why did you do that?” “That doesn’t make sense. Why again did you do that?”), and it does feel disrespectful.

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  19. Identifying and Correcting Mistakes is Everyone's Responsibility*

    When an employee makes a mistake and dismisses it with a phrase like, “well, it can’t be helped,” that is an indication that they are not taking the situation seriously, and that’s certainly a *justification* for feeling upset. How you express that (or suppress it) and address the comment are a matter of style, I suppose, but it’s not unreasonable to move to a different, less laissez-faire approach.

    If you come away satisfied that there was nothing truly objectionable about your tone or message, then the conversation with the employee is about their attitude towards making mistakes. This is no small thing – any adult person needs to be able to hear that they didn’t do a good enough job and they need to do better. If that leaves that person feeling “disrespected” when the feedback itself is not objectionable, then my feeling as a manager is that they have every right to seek a more feedback-and-consequence-free environment elsewhere. I won’t fire them, but I will not seek to retain them should they find another place of employment. Far too many people seem to believe that anything less than affirmation at all times constitutes “disrespect.”

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    1. Zona the Great*

      Yeah I came here to say let her quit. I’m a take-no-guff kind of employee and still this is an indication to me of a lack of emotional intelligence and maturity.

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    2. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      Yes, “well, it can’t be helped” is a bad response to being told you’ve made a mistake, unless there is a good reason for the error e.g. you’ve been swamped with too much work – in which case explain this.

      Sounds like Jane expects to shrug off mistakes and regards it as disrespectful to tell her the mistake matters.
      An employee who won’t accept negative feedback about her work is not one you need to keep.

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  20. Seal*

    Some of my most challenging employees are those who insist that any attempt to actually manage them, regardless of the circumstances, is disrespectful. I’ve worked for and with verbally abusive managers and colleagues who regularly screamed at and belittled people both in public and in private, plus I grew up with verbally abusive parents, so I know all too well how demoralizing that is. So I don’t yell at my employees, nor do I tolerate others doing so. I prioritize communication, solicit feedback, make sure people have what they need to do their job, and go out of my way to treat people with kindness and respect. That’s not to say that I don’t set boundaries or let my employees do whatever they want or ignore problems. But I (and everyone else, in theory) can do so without being abusive.

    That said, I still have the occasional employee who thinks that being managed at all is disrespectful. They’ll insist we don’t need to have regular 1:1 meetings, that they’ll decide what projects to work on, that they should be allowed to speak on behalf of the unit despite the fact that our institution has very strict policies about who can do so, that they can ignore policies, best practices, and copyright law as they see fit…the list goes on. Explaining why this behavior is unacceptable – even after their actions caught the attention of upper administration or the institution’s legal counsel, who were not happy – is met with skepticism; telling them what they can and can’t do is labeled as disrespectful. Those employees also tend to be chaos agents; most of their colleagues see right through them, but they always manage to find or recruit a few like-minded coworkers to help undermine management.

    Bottom line: while disrespectful managers unfortunately do exist, the act of managing an employee is not inherently disrespectful. Start from there.

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  21. JukeBox*

    This also happened to me today! My boss is falcon-like and I am mousy, so probably not the best fit.
    Today’s case was just me asking a question, “By the way, is X always followed by Y here?” Boss: “This makes no sense. What else could it possibly be?” (Well, when I was at Xerox, lots of things could follow X, but OK).
    My point is, there is a way to express frustration constructively such as a simple , “Aaarg! Now let’s get this solved.” And to the falcon bosses: no, you don’t have to walk on eggshells but you’d get more out of your mice by being nice.
    It’s good try to be aware of yourself (from another’s perspective), but can one change into another species?

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    1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      He was unreasonable and in fact disrespectful.
      You were asking a question, not brushing off a significant error as “can’t be helped”

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  22. the Viking Diva*

    This one resonates for me today. I had a conversation last week asking two employees who are working together on a project to verbally share their work-in-progress (that was the subject of the meeting). They weren’t prepared to do that; I felt irritated, explained why I wanted to know, and expressed that it was not an unreasonable expectation for them to be able to talk about the work – but if they weren’t ready we’d reschedule for next week, so we did.

    The next day I had a 1:1 with Employee #1, where I apologized for my irritation but reiterated what I needed to understand about the work. I think we both left feeling better about the prior day’s interaction and where we were headed next. Employee #2 canceled their 1:1, did not respond to my request to reschedule, and sent a resignation letter by the end of the week.

    So there is a world of difference in the employee context–how these two people heard the interaction, how they responded to followup, and (apparently) what it meant to them. And there is also a world of difference in my context as supervisor–let’s just say Employee #2 was already not in line for job longevity. The resignation surprised me but maybe they read the writing on the wall and chose to act with agency.

    Reply ↓

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