my coworker’s boyfriend hangs out at our desks to flirt

by Alison Green on March 11, 2025

A reader writes:

I work in manufacturing, and I more or less have a desk job. My “office” is a clump of desks off to the side of the manufacturing floor. I have a coworker, Laura, who also works in this clump of desks, who is dating a technician. Laura is younger than me, was homeschooled, and sometimes has a hard time picking up on social cues. She has been dating her boyfriend, Nixon, for a few months now. The problem is that he spends every break in our desk clump, to the point that he made himself a folding chair so he can sit by Laura. I am super annoyed every time he is over here. They sit leaned over one another, and are constantly flirting, bickering, giggling, and sometimes even awkwardly touching each other (soft lingering touches on the arm / leg). I have even seen them kiss when they don’t think anyone is around.

I don’t mind that they spend their breaks together, but does it have to be right next to my desk? We have a break room. There is a culture of people taking breaks at their desks here, but his desk is not over here, nor does he really have a desk.

I find having Nixon around really annoying and distracting. He will insert his opinion on things I am working on my computer and most of the time he has no idea what he is talking about. He will also loudly complain about anything and everything that is happening at the company. I have talked to my other coworkers in the desk clump and they are also really annoyed about the situation.

Do I have the right to ask my manager to talk to her (who also manages Laura)? My manager is pretty passive, but I believe he would talk to her if I ask. He has observed some of the behavior, but he isn’t in my building all of the time, so I do not think he knows the extent of the situation. I don’t want to ruin my working relationship with Laura and I believe it would crush her if she heard it was me complaining about her. What should I do in this situation? Do you have any advice for managing upwards, I really don’t want him to mishandle the conversation and worry that he will make her feel awkward around the rest of the people in the desk clump. Would you have any advice for my manager in this situation, if he does go talk to Laura? Should he get Nixon’s manager involved as well?

Yes, you have the standing to talk to your manager and ask him to intervene; Laura and Nixon’s hang-outs are affecting your ability to focus on your work, and that gives you the standing to say something.

However, it would be better to try to address it with Laura directly first — because it might take care of it, because ideally she’d have the opportunity to hear it’s a problem and fix it on her own before you involve your manager, and because there’s a good chance your manager will ask you if you’ve said anything to Laura directly about it and you want to be able to say that you tried to handle it yourself first.

To be clear, there are situations where something is so egregious that none of the above would be considerations, like if she were, I don’t know, being abusive to people or falsifying documents. And if she were known to react hostilely to feedback, she’d have forfeited the opportunity to hear a concern directly from peers before it’s escalated to a manager. But in this case, the right next step is to say to Laura, “It’s really hard to focus with Nixon hanging out here. Could you take breaks with him in the break room instead?”

You can also say something right in the moment when they’re being distracting. It’s fine to say, “I’m having trouble focusing — could I ask you to move to the break room?”

If you try that and it doesn’t work, then the next step is to alert your manager. You’ll have given Laura a chance to fix the problem herself first and if she doesn’t … well, that’s what happens. You said you’re worried she’ll feel crushed, but there’s much less chance of that if you do try to talk to her first. And if she does feel awkward … well, she’s been doing something inconsiderate to the people around her, and sometimes feeling awkward after realizing that is part of how lessons stick. We’ve all been there, and she’ll survive.

You asked if your manager should get Nixon’s manager involved as well, and he could but he doesn’t need to. It’s enough for him to tell Laura, the person he manages, to handle this differently. He could certainly speak to Nixon directly in the moment too if he needs to — there’s nothing wrong with him saying in the middle of one of these interludes, “Nixon, if you don’t need anything work-related from our team, I’m going to ask you to head out since we’ve got folks trying to focus here.” But in his shoes I’d just talk to Laura, tell her to cut it out, and expect her to handle it appropriately from there.

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  2. Momma Bear*

    I think OP should also check the handbook. There may be guidelines in the code of conduct regarding how employees should at at work if they are dating or family.

    If someone was commenting on my work I’d tell him to go somewhere else as he’s both distracting and his commentary is unwanted. That’s definitely something to bring to the manager if it persists.

    I’d also talk to Laura when he’s not there (before the break) and ask her to visit with him somewhere else. It might be more productive if it’s just her team around and not the boyfriend.

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    2. HiddenT*

      Agreed that OP should talk to Laura privately first, because it sounds like Nixon thinks he knows more than he does and he might take offense.

      This kind of thing is always awkward.

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    3. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      > The problem is that he spends every break in our desk clump

      So, does this place have assigned break times? If so, is it the same for the factory workers and the desk workers?

      And does “taking a break at your desk” usually mean “eating lunch at your desk”? Do other people socialize while taking a break at their desks? (I’m guessing the answer here is no.)

      LW, if your company does have a handbook, this kind of thing really is probably covered. And you’re well within your rights to tell your manager how distracting this is — just focus on how it makes it hard for you to work (as opposed to how much someone is breaking rules).

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      1. Kella*

        Yeah I am wondering if at least some of the time, Nixon is on break but Laura isn’t, which is why they’re at her desk, so she can “keep working”. If that’s happening, that is probably also a problem.

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      2. New Jack Karyn*

        I just kinda guessed that the factory workers/technician crew have assigned break times, but the office staff doesn’t. So Laura is choosing to take her break whenever Nixon is on his.

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    4. MBK*

      And if he’s that much of a flirt, you definitely don’t want him getting the wrong idea about you finding his presence “distracting.”

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  3. Apex Mountain*

    That does sound annoying. If you’re worried about Nixon stealing any of your things though, just remember as aggravating as he may be, He is Not a Crook

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    6. Firebird*

      He was also called Tricky Dicky. Which is how I label my ex in my contacts list, as it fits literally and figuratively.

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    7. BekaRosselinMetadi*

      Maybe the LW should record all Nixon’s comments and interactions. You know, for posterity.

      Reply ↓
      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        And if there’s anything particularly sensitive, the LW can erase 18 minutes of it in the middle.

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    9. Teapot Connoisseuse*

      If only OP’s family name was Frost, what a spectacle an interrogation of Nixon’s behaviour could be!

      Reply ↓
  4. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    I hate to say it but I’m almost more concerned that Nixon could end up making snide comments to OP after they talk to Laura. Sounds like he already has more opinions than he should. It does make me wonder what his appeal as a romantic partner is, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

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    1. Observer*

      That’s a real possibility. But if that happens, the LW should *absolutely* bring that to their manager.

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    2. pally*

      If Nixon does engage in such behavior, if egregious, Laura might well be turned off by this.

      Hoisted on his own petard, so to speak.

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  5. DAW*

    To be honest, I’d escalate to the manager as a first step, not to Laura. I’d be concerned that two co-workers, who are already lacking in awareness regarding workplace behavior, would take this out on the OP. The OP shouldn’t have to take that heat and this is what a manager is supposed to do anyway. I feel that there is a trend in management to make peers sort things out, and while sure that could be fine, I’m not getting the vibe that this would go over well in this case.

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    1. e271828*

      I agree, I don’t think Laura and Nixon, clueless as they are, are going to be cooperative about taking their true and pure love elsewhere and letting people work.

      If LW goes to Laura and Laura does not amend, then action from their manager is obviously connected to LW, and LW wants to avoid that.

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    2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      I think a minor spin on your take. I think manager should be aware that it is happening. How is he over there so much and new employee’s manager doesn’t know? So I’d tell manager that Nixon/Laura shared break is a problem. “I am going to talk to her privately and ask that she meet with him in the breakroom or anywhere other than our shared desks. I imagine she will feel awkward and maybe a bit embarrassed, but I am not going to blame or criticize her, just say, that we tried something and it doesn’t work for everyone. No harm, no foul. I have a little concern about Nixon coming back to me. If he does decide that my request is a problem, I will respond to him professionally. If he makes it a thing, I will come to you.”

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    3. DogsInPJsAreMyFavorite*

      The only thing I would say in response is I’m a big chit chatter and I try to be mindful but I’m sure I’ve kept chatting in a common area longer than I should’ve over the course of my career, and I wouldn’t take any offense to someone in the moment being like, hey, trying to work, go somewhere else. Whereas if someone escalated it to my manager… that’d be fine, but it would feel like a weirdly formal/negative response, instead of just talking to me in the moment.

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      1. DogsInPJsAreMyFavorite*

        I will say this is like a creepy PDA spin on that, which is just inappropriate office behavior in a way that chit chat isn’t. And it’s all the time. So like, point taken that these people don’t have basic decorum anyways. But just throwing in my two cents that as someone who has been social in general at work, I would not be offended if someone talked to me first, and I would prefer that over formally going to a manager.

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        1. Banana Pyjamas*

          If it wasn’t for the PDA I would honestly say LW should leave it alone. There’s a workplace culture of taking breaks at your desk, so I wouldn’t raise it if they were just chatting. I’d ignore, put in headphones, or take my own break. The essentially courting/dating at Laura’s desk is the problem, and that’s what I would bring to management. It’s just not appropriate workplace behavior.

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          1. New Jack Karyn*

            See, I’m the opposite! I would ignore the PDA, but Nixon poking his nose into my work and braying about how bad the company is, would put me right over the edge.

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    4. Trillian*

      Or, ask your manager for advice on the professionally appropriate script for the situation. Ask for coaching. Then they’ll be aware and you will know what they expect from you.

      Reply ↓
  6. 40 Years in the Hole*

    I recall a similar issue back when working the shift desk (military base/workplace but base civilian personnel/others certainly welcome to engage with us). The nature of our work was security/criminal-focused, so confidentiality was paramount (discussions and paperwork etc).
    The standard set up had the operations desk and shift lead (Cpl – Sgt) on an elevated platform, behind some type of barrier- but still allowed for full visitor engagement. Notwithstanding the signs clearly indicating “restricted area” there was one guy – while shift lead – whose wife frequently hauled up onto the platform with her coffee – and would look over her hubby’s shoulder to READ the confidential log entries!
    I booted her out more than once – citing security and confidentiality- especially when I was lead. The looks I got from hubby would’ve melted a glacier.

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    1. Bruce*

      Wow… did you ever have a conversation with him? How did that go? Good for you to stick up for the rules, it sounds like a serious issue…

      Reply ↓
  7. iglwif*

    I do think OP needs to talk to Laura before escalating to their manager, not because I think it will necessarily fix the situation but because the manager is going to ask OP what she has already done to try to solve it, and if she can’t honestly say that she has already talked to Laura, is going to tell her she needs to do so.

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    1. wilma flintstone*

      If it were me, I’d lobby a weary sounding (but not unkind) “Hey you two, get a room!” If they didn’t at least blush to that, then I’d ask them nicely to take their breaks elsewhere.

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        2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

          This is where I am. Don’t set the tone that it’s a joke and you are asking in a light hearted way. Or that you think it’s funny/sweet/cute. It is not. Just be matter of fact.
          Because, conversely to “hee hee” and “jealous much” OP might find herself being mistreated by Nixon who has to have his girl in in his physical presence every single second. And to be fair, in Laura’s bad favor because she too seems to think Nixon should be in her presence every second.
          Be matter of fact with Laura. Leave no room for ambiguity or for unprofessionalism from OP’s side.

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      2. Kella*

        Yeah, I’d say firmly and without humor, “Okay guys, time to get a room. I’ve got work to do,” and then look at them expectantly.

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  8. Heather*

    I find it odd that the LW didn’t just ask the coworker to stop having company at the shared desk space when it first began. At this point, the frustration is very high and it could have been prevented by saying the second time it happened, “Hi Laura, it is hard for me to focus when you and Nixon share your break in the shared work area. Would you please go outside or in the break room if you are going to be together so I can continue working?”

    For those that have similar situations, just ask in a normal tone of voice when it begins to become a problem rather than waiting until it has escalated into anger.

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    1. Paint N Drip*

      I can understand why it has dragged on, when someone is so clearly violating norms it’s easy to assume this has gotta end soon, they’re being so blatantly WEIRD it must be a blip rather than a new normal I’m supposed to accept. I think we all try to be flexible and let people figure things out rather than just immediately to confrontation, but unfortunately when something isn’t egregious and we are trying to be patient how do we define the point where confrontation makes sense? (and I am using confrontation in terms of ‘confronting the issue’ or having a conversation about this specific thing, not any kind of emotional blow-up)

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      2. Olive*

        Yes and often they don’t start out by clearly violating so many norms. It starts with Nixon talking to Laura on her break – no kissing, no criticizing the company, no making unsolicited remarks about anyone else’s work. Ok, his presence is a little annoying, but whatever.

        And then a month later, being around him is miserable, but it feels weird to have to speak up now when it’s been escalating for a month. Like why is RIGHT NOW the final straw?

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      3. coffee*

        I believe the traditional timeframe for confronting the offenders is by Wednesday of this week.

        (Seriously though, this is very true. It’s so easy to say “that would have been the best time” when you’re looking back with hindsight.)

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  9. Lucky Cat*

    I think this is what the phrase, “get a room, guys” is for.
    In other words, starting with humor might get the idea across gently, before being more straightforward.

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    1. Ms. Norbury*

      Yeah, that would probably be my approach too! It’s worth noting though that this kind of joke depends on a number of factors (local culture, company’s culture, relationship between OP and Laura, OP’s natural sense of humor, etc) to land AND send the necessary message, so YMMV.

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  10. Lacey*

    I have had SO many scenarios where people were not only kissing or cuddling in a shared work space – but also didn’t see the problem when it was pointed out to them!

    It’s the only time I longed for an open office plan, because the one time the problem was stopped quickly, was in an open office where the couple was in the owner’s line of sight!

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    1. allathian*

      It never went that far for me, but in my first summer job working retail, one of my coworkers at the grocery store was a very handsome young man who was a couple years older than me. I was 17 at the time. We’d often flirt a bit in the storeroom out of sight of the customers, and at first the flirting was so mild that I didn’t even recognize it as such. He was always sweet and gentle with me, and probably at least a bit flattered by the attention. I soon noticed that the store manager kept scheduling us for overlapping shifts and that made me very happy. I don’t think she was consciously trying to play matchmaker, but when one day his girlfriend picked him up after work when the boss was there, the look on her face was a sight to behold. I felt horrible because he’d never mentioned that he had a girlfriend to me, but seeing that killed my crush pretty effectively. After that, I didn’t see him as often because for once that store manager who could be petty in other ways decided to schedule us for different shifts whenever possible.

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  11. Nat20*

    I would also talk to Laura first, but definitely do it when Nixon’s not around. 1) because privately asking a single person to change their behavior is less awkward than two (and less likely to result in them ganging up on you over it), and 2) because it’ll likely help Laura feel less publicly called out, which it sounds like she might be sensitive to.

    Also it doesn’t have to come across like some huge ask or chastisement or something — you keep it friendly and light (even though it’s internally really annoying) as long as it’s also clear that it’s a need and not a want. So next time you have a moment and Nixon isn’t there: “Hey, so I know you two like to spend your breaks together, but it does get pretty distracting for me. Could you start taking it to the break room? Thanks!”

    Like Alison said, she might feel embarrassed but that’s not the end of the world. And especially if you phrase it in the same easy tone as “can you hand me that stapler” or “would you mind turning the music down”, she might not be, or she should at least be able to get over it quickly. The reasonable response from anyone would be “oh sure, no problem”.

    After that if it continues or if either of them give you any grief about it, then definitely go to your manager.

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    1. allathian*

      Yes, this. Sounds like Laura’s been raised in a very sheltered way, and it would be a kindness to her to assume she doesn’t know any better and doesn’t intend any harm, while making it absolutely clear that she needs to have her breaks with Nixon in the break room.

      Sometimes a little awkwardness is what makes the lesson stick.

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  12. Annie*

    Agreeing with the advice, but I dislike the bias that people who were homeschooled act this way as a rule. I and many people I know were homeschooled as kids (in the 80s-00s) and I think we all have pretty decent social skills. Most of us are pretty successful in both business and personal spheres.

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    1. Landry*

      It depends on the circumstances. The homeschool parents I know have always made it a point to get their kids involved in out-of-home activities like sports, art, etc. both for enrichment and to help them build social skills. If parents aren’t doing that and the kids don’t leave the house often, I can see how they would end up sheltered and out of touch with modern norms.

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    2. Testing*

      Neither the OP nor Alison is stating that homeschooled people act this way as a rule. Quite the opposite, actually: Alison mentions that we’ve all been in awkward situations because of our own actions, and that it’s OK, we can move on from that.

      By reading more into that piece of background information you’re actually the one reinforcing any such bias, not the OP or Alison.

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    3. Also homeschooled in the 90s*

      Maybe not as a rule, but homeschooling can indeed be a contributing factor to immature social skills. I say this also as a homeschooler from the same era as you. I felt like I had to work overtime to develop social skills in college and I know other homeschoolers who also struggled in that area.

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    4. Homeschooled in the 00s-10s*

      Thank you, I came here to say this as well. Whether it’s true or not that more homeschoolers than public schoolers tend to struggle socially, it does a disservice to all of us to group those traits together when there is no evidence that they are directly related in a given case. It’s not uncommon to face discrimination and negative bias as a former homeschooler — being left out of things, assumed to have no social skills, or spoken to like a small child or treated as if we’re less knowledgable in all kinds of different contexts — and using language that groups homeschoolers together with people with below-average social skills (“Laura […] was homeschooled, and sometimes has a hard time picking up on social cues”) does exactly that, no matter how it is intended.

      And really, how would it change the advice if this issue was somehow related to her being homeschooled? How is that fact relevant here at all? What was the point of including it? Laura is a working adult now and surely deserves to be judged on the basis of her actions, not how she was raised, just like any traditionally-schooled person would be. To be clear, my intention here is not to pile onto the letter writer, who I agree is right to be annoyed by all this. But opportunities to have a healthy discussion about how this kind of language affects homeschoolers and former homeschoolers, and to encourage people to interrogate their own biases on this, are few and far between.

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    5. allathian*

      Well, it’s a fact that homeschooling is illegal in some places, except for children who are so severely disabled that they need individual instruction.

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  13. Calamity Janine*

    once again i am glad that Alison is answering queries, being full of the wisdom i lack, because my mind immediately first went to “get a spray bottle or perhaps a coffee tin full of pennies so you can shake the no-no can at them; if that fails, consider selling ringside tickets to the inevitable breakup”. (don’t do that. just maybe laugh at the mental image.)

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  14. Honey*

    Actually had a situation similar to this. Asked offending parties once to refrain. They did not. Told management. Problem solved. Out of department person told their breaks were not to be taken in our department.

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  15. AKchic*

    When Nixon inserts his opinion on *your* work, you absolutely have standing to shut it down in the moment. Be matter of fact, be withering, be frank: “Nixon, this is not your concern”, “Nixon, I did not ask for your opinion”, “Nixon, you are out of line/inappropriate”, “Nixon, focus on the person you’re visiting”. No please or thank you, because he was rude and you are not exchanging pleasantries.

    I can see merit in addressing Laura or the manager first, but I think giving the manager a head’s up before discussing with Laura may be the better way to go. It allows the manager to be aware and give an opinion beforehand if he wants to give one, and allows Laura an opportunity to change the behaviors before management officially has to step in.

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    1. Jenesis*

      I agree, and was surprised not to see it directly addressed. The flirting and chatting is annoying, and absolutely talk to Laura about that. But Nixon’s behavior is also annoying on its own, he is an adult and a fellow coworker, so it should be addressed with him directly as well. It’s not Laura’s fault that her boyfriend is a nosy boor.

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      1. allathian*

        Maybe not her fault, but she certainly isn’t helping, either. And I certainly count it against her that she chooses to be in a relationship with such a nosy boor.

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  16. Indolent Libertine*

    If everyone in that desk area is equally annoyed, then use your strength in numbers. Agree with your co-workers that tomorrow you’ll be the first to say nicely “hey, this is too much distraction while I’m working, can you please go to the break room?” and that if they don’t comply, someone else will pipe up with the same request every 5 minutes. Make it clear that nobody appreciates being a captive audience for their canoodling. Also, keep in mind that while you’re very concerned about not upsetting them, they don’t seem to care whether they’re bothering all of you!

    Reply ↓

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