my incompetent boss can’t handle that I won’t be his friend

by Alison Green on April 21, 2025

A reader writes:

I have a manager who you would deem unfixable, and I’m currently job hunting so I can put him behind me.

In the meantime, I’d love your advice on how to handle this very emotionally draining situation. It has been two years of trying to fix him and I’ve exhausted every avenue, including seeking help from his manager. He’s not changing and I know that; he is very much out of his depth in the role, has poor professional instincts, and is emotionally juvenile.

Last year, he blew up at me after I tried to reopen a conversation about my concerns regarding his shortcomings (obviously not phrased like that lol) and, after realizing that buying me a sweet treat wasn’t going to paper over my ongoing concerns started spiraling out because I was no longer being as chatty or friendly with him as before. I have to make clear that I was still being scrupulously professional and polite – just not being buddy-buddy. He started sending me two or three emotionally charged emails a week explaining how he was overwhelmed at work, was doing his best, and that asking for anymore was too much and also trying to apologize but not apologize for his behavior. This ended in me going to his boss and her putting a stop to the emails, but not addressing any of the substantive issues regarding his overall competency.

Fast forward to this year and his shortcomings are even more pronounced, despite his promises to do better. Fine, whatever. My way of dealing with my (overwhelming, disabling) anger toward him and his victim complex is to be scrupulously professional and polite. However, because of his poor professional boundaries, he can’t stand that I’m not being warm towards him and keeps trying to ask if I have any concerns (despite knowing what the concerns are) and pushing me to be friendly toward him. I then feel very awkward and guilty for choosing to establish sound professional boundaries. The long, rambling emails are beginning to start up again too. It’s a punishing, stupid emotional cycle.

Help! I think I need reassurance that what I’m doing is not bad, that I’m not responsible for the awkwardness of the situation. Do you have any other insights to share?

I want to know more about what “scrupulously professional and polite” looks like, because there are different ways to implement that. There’s an obviously frosty version (one that strongly conveys “I am speaking to you only because it’s required for my job but I do so with zero warmth toward you as a person”) and there’s a version that … well, doesn’t make that quite so clear. Where are you on that spectrum?

It would be understandable if you’re more on the chilly side of that continuum, given all you described, but that doesn’t mean it would be wise — particularly with a manager who you know will spiral from it. If you are being frosty or frosty-adjacent … well, you’re allowed to, but it’s probably going to make your work life harder for however long you remain there.

You don’t need to engage much beyond work and basic pleasantries, but you should at least appear to speak to him with a reasonable amount of human warmth and good will. A good litmus test is whether an outside observer watching you interact would know you disliked him, or whether they’d find your side of the interaction utterly unremarkable.

But if you’re confident that you’re getting that balance right, then here is the reassurance you requested that you’re behaving reasonably and you are not responsible for the awkwardness of the situation.

I do wonder if there’s any value in saying, “I get the sense that you want us to have a chattier relationship, so I want to be up-front that I need to just focus on work when I’m at work. It’s not personal and you don’t need to apologize for anything; it’s just what I need to balance my life right now.” It might not make a huge impact, but maybe that would give him something to calm his mind when he starts to panic about why you’re not available to him in the way he seems to want.

Otherwise, though, tell his boss that the long, rambling emails she shut down earlier have starter back up and ask if she can squelch them again.

That question about the balance is really key, though.

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{ 133 comments }

{ 133 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

    The whole thing sounds bizarre and an unproductive environment for work. You say you’ve had a few conversations with his boss – do they acknowledge that your boss seems to have serious problems? It sounds like he’s incompetent generally – not just regarding the friendliness

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  2. Jennifer Strange*

    after realizing that buying me a sweet treat wasn’t going to paper over my ongoing concerns

    I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the LW is a woman…

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    1. Just a Pile of Oranges*

      But also makes me wonder if it would work in reverse. Could a spiral of anxiety or whatever this is be arrested by a cookie?

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        1. Dinwar*

          I have. I’ve asked folks to do some pretty hard and dangerous work, and brought pastries or ice cream or something for them. It’s not a “paper over ongoing concerns” thing, it’s a matter of recognizing that the work sucks and a gesture of appreciation. It smoothed things over to the point where they were no longer debating which excavator operator would be easiest to bribe to hide my body, at least.

          Does a pint of ice cream or a bear claw make up for rough working conditions? No, obviously not. But it communicates that your supervisor acknowledges that the work sucks and appreciates what you’re doing. As the supervisor it was important to remember that the communication was the point–and to carry that communication over to other aspects of the work.

          For what it’s worth, I typically work with crews of equal numbers of men and women. Doesn’t seem to have a huge influence on the level of appreciation for such gestures.

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            1. Oui oui oui all the way home*

              It’s a type of donut. If you google ‘bear claw donut’ you’ll see what these delicious things look like.

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        1. MigraineMonth*

          Personally, I’d rather give someone a literal (store bought) cookie than have to tell them they deserve one. I’d also trade a fake smile for not having to deal with more feelingsbomb emails from my manager.

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          1. Plate of Wings*

            Yes! If I’m going to be constantly evaluated based on having a warm, bubbly demeanor, you bet I’m going to lean into it when it works in my favor.

            I know it’s imbalanced and not fair, but if I can get someone off my back and buy myself some breathing room, I’ll do it.

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        2. YetAnotherAnalyst*

          You’re right; LW shouldn’t have to manage the boss’s emotions with cookies. But then LW shouldn’t have to deal with this entire situation at all. Unfortunately, they’re stuck temporarily with an unfixable, unavoidable boss, who might be an actual toddler. If I were in the same shoes and $5 of baked goods once a week could make things tolerable while I wrapped up my exit plan, that’s a trade I would make in a heartbeat.

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        1. MusicWithRocksIn*

          He’s going to ask for a cup of coffee.

          I read that book to my kid, but then we have a talk about appropriate boundaries and how you need to say no if someone asks you for too much, and also how to be a good guest and not constantly demand things.

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          1. MigraineMonth*

            I’ve seen a reinterpretation of The Giving Tree where halfway through the tree says, “Look, swinging on my branches and eating my apples was one thing, but I’m drawing a hard boundary at cutting off any of my limbs. I’m also wondering why we always talk about what you want and never about what I need.”

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      6. Sunshine Gremlin*

        Not specific to this situation, but chewing can help with anxiety symptoms in general.

        Gum specifically has had multiple studies done showing that it helps with stress and anxiety. There’s limited research but crunchy, spicy, and sour snacks are also linked to helping improve concentration and focus as well.

        So, yeah, might as well try the cookie.

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        1. JustaTech*

          Echoing the “your boss is an actual toddler” comment above, I know my toddler sometimes asks for (in a toddler way) a toy to chew on when he’s really upset.
          I’m not saying to get the boss a teething ring, but maybe some hard candies or gum would actually help.
          Or throw the boss into a complete spiral that the LW is saying that their breath is bad on top of everything else.
          On second thought, keep the gum/cookie/hard candy for yourself, LW!

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        2. MigraineMonth*

          A bunch of those lollipops with gum inside? Not quite “leave a pacifier on their desk”, but possibly as effective?

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        3. Airy*

          Gum can stop you crying (speaking from experience!) both because concentrating on chewing is a helpful distraction, and (I hope this is accurate) your body prioritises its fluids and saliva is a higher priority than tears. Chewing stimulates saliva production, et voilà.

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    3. BatManDan*

      Odds tip slightly in that favor, but as a man, I’d be seriously tempted to let a steady supply of sweet treats paper over a lot of issues….lol

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      1. JustaTech*

        My husband absolutely used sweets (fancy cupcakes, specifically) to apologize to the rest of his team when he messed up their codebase in the middle of the night.
        So maybe not completely gendered?

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        1. Gumby*

          Yup, when I was a summer intern at a software company, a relatively new hire broke the build. Our co-workers informed him of the “tradition” where if you broke the build you had to bring in treats the next day. (He did.) I was reliably informed that it wasn’t actually a tradition. But it probably became one afterwards.

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        2. The OG Sleepless*

          I posted recently about my workplace’s norm of giving chocolate to support staff to apologize for breaking a safety rule. We’re currently all female but we have male staff members sometimes. No gendering implied.

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    5. WeirdChemist*

      I had a former manager who would do the same thing (buy treats as a “sorry” for causing problems in lieu of actually fixing things to prevent future problems). He was male, and I am female, however he was equal opportunity with this behavior towards the whole team, regardless of gender!

      Honestly got a lot of flashbacks from this letter haha. My former boss wasn’t quite as bad as this, but the constant insecurity over how well liked he was, coupled with the fact that most didn’t like him (because he wasn’t good at his job), was *exhausing*. Hope the LW is able to get a new job soon!

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      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        I had that manager. She’d spend all day in a vile mood (usually about something that had happened outside of work, such as the dog barking and keeping her awake, which had nothing to do with us) and biting our heads off, and then by about 3pm she’d be buying us all treats to make up for it. And yet she never did anything about her behaviour; it wouldn’t be long before the same thing happened again.

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  3. Just a Pile of Oranges*

    You’re not bad. You’re not doing anything wrong. Roleplay like you’re in retail hell and your boss is a terrible customer. Smile wide, act cheery, make banal small talk about the weather, and get the heck out asap.

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      1. Miette*

        I honestly think being warmer may be his cookie (assuming OP self-assesses as Alison suggests that they are not being as warm as they could and is willing to make that change–this is a big assumption, and you do you, OP, this guy sounds like a real pill)

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    2. Academic Physics.*

      My thought was to treat it as if you’re on the office, and Ricky Gervaise is your boss. It’s not fun to live with, but maybe there will be stories.

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    3. learnedthehardway*

      Time to pull out your inner Richard Attenborough:

      “The incompetent manager is once again attempting to placate the direct report with cookies. Note the care with which he selects the cookie – surely his screw-up was serious this time. Alas, the employee is not distracted, and the manager retreats to his office, defeated.”

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    4. Limm*

      Having “disabling anger” and routinely confronting your boss about his failings kind of does make it sound like she’s doing something, though.

      Is the boss as bad as she says? I’m sure he is.

      But you can’t realistically work for someone who inspired such intense anger you’re unable to be civil around them.

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  5. T.N.H*

    Can you talk to his boss again and just start forwarding all of the emotional emails without responding? Also, dig into why you feel guilty since being able to set firm boundaries is a requirement for just about any job.

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    1. NothingIsLittle*

      It sounds like Big Boss put a stop to the emails last time, so I’m not sure this is a “return to sender” situation.

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      1. MigraineMonth*

        I think the idea is that big boss put a stop to the emails last time, so LW could forward the new ones to big boss with a request that they please intervene because the emails are starting up again.

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  6. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

    “My way of dealing with my (overwhelming, disabling) anger toward him and his victim complex…”

    Yikes. That much anger is not good. And why are you directing it all at him, and not at his boss – who has failed to address his performance issues?

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    2. Lisa*

      His behavior is a problem. His boss’s failure to deal with that problem is also a problem. The grandboss isn’t off the hook but being angry with the boss is also fair!

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    3. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

      Seems weird to suggest OP has experienced anger “wrong” here, as if also being angry at another person makes any difference to working with this joker.

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      1. cottagechick73*

        I think the OP is at the BEC stage because of the bosses shenanigans and being emotionally needy for way too long. And there is nothing wrong with that when you have tried being reasonable/professional and the other party is just continuing to spiral downward.

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      2. Ellis Bell*

        The emotion itself isn’t wrong, but characterising it as overwhelming and disabling are curiously external descriptions. I’m not sure if it means it seeps into OP’s external actions, (very bad), is merely noticeable (bad) or if that’s just simply how it feels (still quite bad for OP, but unavoidable). However OP knows this is unsustainable and they need to get out of dodge.

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      3. Neither Here Nor There*

        The OP is totally in the right to be angry!

        But OP described the anger as “overwhelming, disabling.” Those are extremely concerning words: it means their anger is all-consuming, to the point that they cannot function normally. Disabling amounts of any emotion is a crisis.

        If OP feels that way, they can’t wait to find a job. They need a way to vent the pressure. Like, can they find a way to emotionally disconnect? Can they stop caring about the boss or the work? Can they look at an email, search for anything actionable, and pretend the rest says “Blah blah blah”? They need some sort of a coping mechanism. Job hunting takes time, and 40 hours of all-consuming rage will kill a person.

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        1. Kal*

          And I think the biggest concern with that level of anger is that there’s a good chance that it will seep into other things – including the job search. If OP has to do an interview in the middle of the work day, will they end up expressing that anger during the interview and hurt their chances? And it can’t be doing good things for their personal life. OP doesn’t deserve that.

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      4. Limm*

        Realistically OP’s only option is to find another job.

        OP says that they’re “polite” while also expressing that they feel disabling anger and regularly chew out their boss about his failings. That’s hardly “polite.” Like Al says, there’s intentionally frosty-polite, and actual polite.

        If you work for a boss you hate so much you can’t even be civil, your only choice is to leave.

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    4. NothingIsLittle*

      Being disgruntled is probably harmless, but being genuinely, disablingly angry is definitely going to make the situation worse. That comment makes me think that OP is on the far end of the “chilly” bell curve and stoking the bad behavior. That doesn’t mean she’s doing anything wrong, necessarily, but that also doesn’t mean she’s making the choices that will make her work life manageable until she can leave.

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      1. NothingIsLittle*

        To be clear, because I realized I wasn’t, I’m saying this because I’m worried about OP. Being angry is physically bad for you. If your behavior is provoking the behavior that makes you angry, then you’ve ended up in a vicious cycle that will only end with your leaving.

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        1. MigraineMonth*

          Yeah, the anger served its purpose: it helped the LW realize their boss sucked, raise the issues to their manager’s manager, and decide to leave. I’m not saying, like, forgive the boss (or their boss), but experiencing that level of stress activation over a long period of time takes a physical toll, and a level of anger described as “overwhelming, disabling” is clearly interfering with their life.

          Focus all that stress activation on getting a new job, LW, and leave this petty mess behind you.

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          1. Lacey*

            Yes 100%.

            I know people who have literally made themselves ill because of anger they couldn’t let go of or the constant strain of trying to fix a bad relationship with their family when the family wasn’t trying.

            Ultimately the only thing that made these people well again was letting go of it.
            Not because they were wrong, but because it was hurting them.

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            1. MigraineMonth*

              “Letting go” is the key here. It isn’t forgiveness. It *definitely* isn’t giving additional chances to someone who has hurt you to hurt you again. It’s denying that person/situation the power to keep you trapped forever in that pain.

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              1. Smithy*

                Yes – I do think that for many people this kind of letting go can look like forgiveness – directly or indirectly – but I genuinely believe it’s more about relieving the burden of carrying the anger on the self.

                You’ll see this with family testimonies during criminal cases where they’ll forgive the perpetrator of the crime. But in the workplace, I’ve at least more done it by tapping into sympathy or empathy. The most basic one for incompetent supervisors has usually been that people usually aren’t going to turn down career advancement – even if it’s just for the money. Even if they’d ever admit they were unable to do the job, leaving for a job that would pay less is often really painful for most people’s finances. So now they’re stuck in a job where people most likely see them performing badly that they can’t easily leave.

                If anything, it helps change the emotion more from anger to pity. Which again, doesn’t make working for those folks enjoyable. But it’s helped my own wellbeing.

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        2. Statler von Waldorf*

          As someone who lived it, I can’t agree with this more. I was very angry with the world in general and some people in specifc for many reasons, most legit, some less so, for a very long time.

          It was like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Except the other person didn’t die, or even care, because they weren’t the dumbass feeding themselves poison and feeling self-rightous about it.

          It took me having a major heart attack and nearly dying to make me realise just how bad this was for me. I sincerly hope the letter writer doesn’t need to hit bottom as hard as I did to learn this very important lesson.

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          1. Kindnessisfree*

            I’m sorry to hear you experienced all of this, and glad to hear you made it through. Thank you for sharing your experience – it helped me realize there are some things in my own life that I could (should) let go of. Sending you internet hugs, if you’d like them!

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              1. Kindness is free*

                Yay! Here are some extra internet hugs, then :) And thank you! It’s taken me a while to find one I like, but I’m happy with this one (now with spaces, as I didn’t realize I could do that before, haha).

                Thanks for the kind response, take care, and I hope you have a fabulous week!

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      2. Smithy*

        Yeah….there is a point of anger where it really does start to hurt yourself the most. Therefore trying to find a way to cool down or diffuse some of that anger isn’t because the person has improved or warrants forgiveness, but because it’s now hurting you more than anyone else.

        Being that angry at work can make interviewing harder because you’re so desperate to leave you may miss red flags or get overly down on yourself if the new job doesn’t appear quickly. I also think it can cloud our judgement of the current workplace. Let’s say the OP’s boss gets a new job in a month – the boss’s boss is still there, and so would that now make the job 100% fine? Does it lead to the OP stop their job hunt, only to have to revive it in a few months because the boss was just clearly just one of many symptoms that made this workplace a problem.

        I am one of those people where if I behave kindly to someone, I can at least trick the serotonin/anger in my body to be less elevated. I know for other people that is insanely draining, but regardless I do think the OP would benefit from approaching this from a survival perspective. They are trying to survive in this job until they can leave to a better job, and they’ll best position themselves for this by not having disabling anger.

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        1. Hannah Lee*

          I have one person in my workplace whose behavior is often maddening, in a myriad of different ways. Thankfully I don’t have to interact with this person much, but when I do, oh boy.

          At one point I realized how aggravated I get around him, and decided to measure how much it was riling me up. So I brought my little wrist blood pressure monitor to work for a week, checking it regularly multiple times a day, and then immediately every single time I had any interactions with this person. All throughout the day my BP readings would go up and down a bit (10-15 points) based on what I was doing, who I happened to be talking with … but staying completely in the “normal” range.

          Every time I checked it after any interactions with this person, even a quick 2 minute conversation? it had jumped up 50-60 points, out of the “normal” range. Not good for my health.

          So I try to avoid any conversations, and try to reframe things as “that’s just how they are” or “their energy is just not a good match for my energy” because that mental playlist helps me keep my own frustration, anger, and BP in check instead of that person driving my emotional bus.
          If this was someone in my personal life, I would have yeeted them into the sun long ago. But that’s not an option here. They don’t report to me, they’re not doing anything illegal, they do their actual job relatively well, and it’s a good job aside from that one occasional annoyance.

          If this person were my boss? And their boss was not putting a stop to their worst behavior? No way would I be planning to remain in that job. So OP, though I hate to be all “you should start a job hunt ASAP”, if you can’t figure out a way to put your boss’s dysfunctional behavior in a box that doesn’t wind you up, you should start a job hunt ASAP.

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        2. MigraineMonth*

          It’s also harder to land a new job if your answer to “why do you want to leave your current job” is “my boss enrages me,” even if that’s just between the lines. Unfortunately, employers are wary of hiring candidates that seem to have a lot of drama going on.

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      3. Beth*

        Yeah, I wonder about this too.

        OP, there’s nothing wrong with being professional and civil rather than buddy-buddy. But in this case, it sounds like your behavior (regardless of how reasonable it might be) is making your life meaningfully harder. Your boss is (reasonably or not) reading it as chilly, and is responding by pushing you to be friendlier and asking repeatedly what your concerns are. His behavior makes your work life harder and leaves you even more frustrated and angry than you already were. The more you try to hold those boundaries, the harder your boss pushes, and the angrier and more miserable you get.

        You know your boss isn’t going to change and the only real way out of this is leaving. But leaving takes time. If your goal is to make your life manageable until you can give notice–which I think it should be–the best thing you can do for yourself is disrupt the cycle that’s making you miserable. If you can be warmer to your boss, it sounds like he’ll panic less, and therefore he’ll push less, and that would make your day-to-day life more survivable. It’s not fair that you need to manage an adult man’s emotions like that, but given the situation, it sounds worth doing.

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        1. Smithy*

          Completely agree – and I say this as a woman who’s been told to smile more, but I also find some truth in how smiling when you’re unhappy or attempting to have “fun” when you’re upset at some point can trick your brain/body into a happier state.

          The OP will obviously know themselves best, but if there are any “fake it till you make it” tricks you can employ that you know have a chance to be successful for you. Maybe something like proposing that you do a regular one on one meeting take place at a coffee shop, dessert place, or while on a walk (based on whatever activity or treat makes you happier)? Or if you’re meeting over Zoom, use that meeting time to give yourself an “at home” treat. So the meeting itself may be a pain, but meeting while walking means there’s less eye contact, and you get to stretch. Or a remote meeting sucks, but stretching out the Easter candy you got on a sale has been fun.

          Essentially, find ways to not have to invest in the specific dynamics with the boss, but invest in yourself when those interactions have to happen. I will also add that if the OP’s moving away from a buddy-buddy relationship included things like no more happy hours or stopping all personal chit chat – adding an off-site one on one meeting where you need to walk there and back, can add in some really normal small talk that may feel less forced for the OP but also give the supervisor some indication that things have become friendlier.

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    5. Owl-a-roo*

      This jumped out to me as well. While everybody experiences emotions in a different way, I’d guess that an emotion which can be described as “overwhelming” and “disabling” is probably leaking into OP’s interactions with the manager in some form or fashion. It’s not too surprising that the manager is responding by spiraling out.

      OP, if you’re not already doing so, it might help to talk through your feelings around this entire situation with a therapist. They may be able to help you develop coping skills to manage your feelings and prevent them from completely overwhelming you. This is true even if your anger is a 100% justified and natural emotional response to the situation – regardless of the source, you can learn how to live with your emotions in a more functional way.

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    6. MigraineMonth*

      That does sound like an enormous weight to carry every day. If at all possible, can you emotionally detach? Not just from dealing with his incompetence and neediness, but from dealing with his manager, your job, the company in general? Remember that you’re on the way out, and none of his whining emotion-dumping can change that. Care less.

      Your boss sounds like a ridiculous insecure man-baby, and you know he’s going to continue to throw tantrums and beg for validation. Just tell him everything’s fine, no problems here, hand him a lollipop. Care less.

      I was once trapped in a project that should have taken 2 months and instead took 2 years. For months I tried everything I could think of to get the project manager to see reason and stop scheduling meetings with all the wrong stakeholders, to go over her head, to get my own manger to intervene. I finally realized there was nothing I could do but laugh. I stopped stressing, the project *eventually* got done when the project manager got another job, and now I have an amazing 3-minute comedy routine about the email-alert-project from hell.

      Care less.

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      1. Goldenrod*

        “Care less”

        Came here to say this! As someone who has really intensely hated a few bosses, I can relate…but it sounds like you are fixating on it too much.

        As challenging as it is, I recommend that you de-center this person as much as you can, within your own psyche. Focus on the aspects of the job and co-workers that you like. Concentrate on your exit plan. Find fun activities outside of work and think about things that give you joy.

        All this focus on your dislike of this person (however well-deserved) is not going to serve you.

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  7. MsM*

    I wonder if you can just address the “do you have any concerns?” questions with a smile and “nope, can’t think of anything that needs discussing!” It’s not a lie, because you’ve already tried, and you’ve discovered discussing doesn’t do anything, so there’s no need, right?

    That, or maybe find some teeny-tiny thing you think there’s actually a possibility he might work on that you can bring up as a “Now that you mention it..” If nothing else, maybe it’ll keep him distracted.

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    1. Richard Hershberger*

      “Nothing beyond what we have previously discussed.” Professing inability to think of any concerns to discuss would imply that the previous concerns have been adequately addressed.

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      1. MigraineMonth*

        If it stops the boss from spiraling, throwing a tantrum, “oh woe is me”-ing and expecting me to console/reassure/baby them, I’d be happy to let them think my previous concerns have been adequately addressed right up until I give notice.

        People above me in the hierarchy who behave badly when given honest feedback have forfeited the right to honest feedback.

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    2. Water Everywhere*

      I think I’d avoid even mentioning a teeny-tiny thing, boss sounds like the type of person who expects that making one tiny change will fix everything and will spiral again when they don’t get that result.

      Big smile and “All is good!” while relentlessly job searching is where I land. Boss sucks and isn’t going to change.

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      1. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

        My problem is that I’m envisioning OP as Kevin Bacon in “Animal House”, fruitlessly shouting “All Is Well!”, while being steamrollered.

        Perhaps it will work for just long enough for OP to get the heck out.

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      2. MsM*

        Well, that’s when you introduce Teeny-Tiny Task #2. Call it the “overbearing relative wants to help plan the wedding, and telling them ‘no’ will cause more drama than it’s worth” strategy.

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    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I would not say I had more concerns, but I would say something like “Nothing I haven’t said many times before, and that continue to be problems. But you know full well what they are so I won’t waste our time.”
      Repeat as necessary.

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  8. Jackie Daytona, Regular Human Bartender*

    I doubt there’s anyway for OP to satisfactorily “be” while also holding boundaries with this growth-stunted emotional vampire. TBH, I wouldn’t put much effort in chasing down the elusive unicorn known as “balance” because I don’t think that’s to be found when dealing with someone like this.

    You’re on your way out, OP, do whatever best preserves your well-being. Feel free to in your mind think, “Whoa, big feelings buddy!” like you would with a dysregulated small child whenever this guy acts like one (but try not to say it outloud).

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    1. Mavis*

      Agreed. If LW was a warm version of scrupulously professional (vs. the frosty version), I imagine this boss would find a way to weaponize it. („But you’re always so friendly! Why can’t we be friends???“)

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    2. Paint N Drip*

      Totally agree. The facade of a peaceful friendly work relationship has cracked for OP’s boss, so now there will always be something to spiral about – if OP can keep themselves acting reasonably professional despite their anger, in my books that’s the best they can do while they prepare to leave

      Reply ↓
  9. Burnt Out Librarian*

    A friend and I are dealing with this re: someone we work with who used to be a friend… They’ve ascended the administrative ladder and have revealed themselves to be a tyrant and kind of miserable to work for. Thankfully this person is less pushy and oblivious, but still… The tension sucks, especially because we can’t trust them with any feedback re: their actions or our honest opinions because they’ve got a history of ambushes and retaliations. Disappointing, considering we’ve all worked for managers like this in the past and never thought they’d go down the evil boss route. I’ve remained nice but colleagues are less accommodating.

    I’ll reiterate what we’ve decided: This person cannot learn this lesson from you, because instead of taking it to heart, they’re going to lash out. And you don’t need that, especially if it involves risking your livelihood. For your manager, their feelings are on the table, but for you, it’s your job, your income and (if you’re in the US) your health insurance, retirement, rent, food… Basically, you have everything to lose. And unfortunately, it’s unlikely they’re going to realize how unfair that all is.

    Best of luck getting out of there.

    Reply ↓
    1. Shepherd Moon*

      The extent of the evil boss phenomenon is indeed dismaying, to say nothing of lack of self-awareness. Am getting off topic, but maybe one day we can have a survey on which of the worlds of work has the highest chance of untrained-then-turning-mean bosses (one vote for libraries).

      With luck, there will be yet more helpful suggestions to maintain polite but distant, self-protecting techniques for LW and other sufferers.

      P.S. I just knew “Burnt Out Librarian” had already been taken!

      Reply ↓
  10. RagingADHD*

    Being fake-friendly or superficial gets a bad rap, but there are situations where it is 100 percent warranted and advisable.

    This is one of them.

    Reply ↓
    1. Reba*

      I would add that I think Alison’s advice to tell him basically “it’s not you, it’s me” — that this boundary is something *OP* needs rather than something resulting from Boss’s behavior — is good and might help slow the cycle of reassurance-seeking.

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    2. Beth*

      If OP can’t manage fake-friendly, there’s always fake-busy. I’m just so overwhelmed right now, life is really testing me, wish I could join for team lunch but I have like 3 errands to run in that hour! Wish I could join for happy hour but my kid needs me. Great to hear you had a good weekend, I didn’t do much worth mentioning, just handling all this family stuff. I seem distant? Sorry, I’m just so overwhelmed lately, life is getting to me!

      (This can also include work tasks if your workload warrants it, especially if you’re absorbing tasks your boss should be doing. But I like personal life stuff because it’s harder to question–it’s outside the work sphere.)

      Reply ↓
  11. A. Lab Rabbit*

    I would just narrate all his weirdness in David Attenborough’s voice in my head, like some kind of bizarre nature documentary. It would help get me through it until I found a job elsewhere.

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    2. NothingIsLittle*

      “And here we see the Friendly Office Vampire in his natural environment. Notice how he focuses his emails on his feelings without addressing any workplace concerns? This is a common hunting tactic among many species of Office Vampire.”

      Reply ↓
        1. Jam on Toast*

          The Productive Employee skirts through the kitchen, alert to threats. They carry a folder. If the Office Vampire attacks, they will wave it vigorously and make loud cries about needing to get back to work.

          In the face of the Productive Employee’s defensive display, the Office Vampire will retreat to their lair, lest they be forced into performing their actual job.

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  12. Leave Hummus Alone*

    OP, I feel for you. I once had a boss that was extremely nice, but completely out of his depth. I can imagine the anger you feel. What helped me get through it (I found a new job) was to reframe it in my mind that I can’t care more about doing a good job and progressing the work than my boss (and grand-boss in your case). If your boss is creating roadblocks that stilt your work, then tell him that this is a roadblock (document, document, document), and move on to the next task — if he solve it and his hoss won’t step in, then that’s on them.

    I KNOW this is easier said than done. I can imagine that it feels like you’re not doing everything you can to get the job done and be the amazing rockstar that you are. Find that balance for you where you can feel good about what you HAVE accomplished but not take on the weight of the entire organization (or department) on your back because of your boss’ incompetence. Other team members and staff across the organization know that you’re not the problem. Good luck and sending you lots of deep breaths!

    Reply ↓
  13. H.Regalis*

    I agree with Alison. Do your best to be polite and work-friendly so no one has a stick to poke you with. That’s not easy, because you can’t rely on your boss’s reactions to help guide you. No matter what you do, even if it’s the most professional and polite, your boss is going to be unhappy with it because he’s not getting what he wants. This is a tough situation to be in. I hope you find another job soon.

    Reply ↓
  14. Percy Weasley*

    Ugh, sorry you have to deal with this, OP! Pretty sure I once worked for your boss’s cousin. No, thank you, I don’t want you to do my taxes. No, thank you, I don’t want a massage. Ick.

    Reply ↓
    2. Zona the Great*

      For me it was, “No I don’t want to move into a room in your home” and “No, I will not come help you pack up your hotel room because you overslept”.

      Reply ↓
  15. TerrorCotta*

    OP, I wonder if you might be making things harder on yourself by insisting on the scrupulously professional instead of gritting your teeth and faking some level of warmth.

    I know this could feel like you’re rewarding his bad behavior, or “letting him win,” but in this case it’s more about keeping him off your back until you find a new job.

    Just saying, try shoving a little more congeniality in his cry hole and see if that shuts him up.

    Reply ↓
    1. Goldenrod*

      “Just saying, try shoving a little more congeniality in his cry hole and see if that shuts him up.”

      LOL! I’ve done this with bad managers. It works.

      Reply ↓
    3. Statler von Waldorf*

      I agree fully. This letter has big “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy” energy.

      I am also stealing “shoving a little more congeniality in his cry hole” for future use. I feel that sentence on so many different levels.

      Reply ↓
      1. Sydney Ellen Wade*

        “This letter has big ‘do you want to be right or do you want to be happy’ energy.”

        Nailed it.

        Reply ↓
      2. allathian*

        Oh yes!

        Emotional vampires like this boss make me angry, too, I totally get that. Focus your frustration on getting out of there, LW. Try to detach a bit. I know it can feel dishonest to allow your boss to stomp through your (perfecly reasonable, IMO) boundaries. It may become easier if you think of it as acing a role in a play called Office Politics rather than being dishonest towards your work persona. The idea that we should be able to bring our whole selves to work at all times has a lot to answer for.

        Reply ↓
  16. cactus*

    I really appreciate how Alison is describing the spectrum of “scrupulously professional and polite”! This is good framing for me to discuss some soft skills with my college mentees.

    Reply ↓
  17. EA*

    Hey OP, I have been in a similar situation. I had a boss who was bad at his job and in over his head. It’s incredibly frustrating when someone is out of their depth and there’s not much you can do (and, in my case, lots of extra work while he made way more than I did!)

    In hindsight, we both behaved very badly! I was very young and completely failed to “manage up” at all or take my concerns to the higher ups in an effective way. I can see now how overwhelmed he was. It felt like it was targeted at me, but really it wasn’t – he was just bad at his job and wouldn’t accept it. At the time though, I got to a point where I just couldn’t stand him, and he basically stopped speaking to me for a while until he blew up at me and then gave me a terrible performance review out of spite (despite my doing a large part of his work…). It was not good, and did end up being solved when he moved away.

    Look – when you have the level of anger and resentment that you have, being “scrupulously professional” fools no one. If I could go back in time, I would honestly try to have more empathy for his situation and just be nicer in general, even if it’s fake nicer. The depth of anger that you have right now (which I get! I was there!) honestly benefits no one – especially not you. I also think other people perceived me poorly because of how cold I was with him – and believe me, everyone can tell.

    I would also recommend that you focus more on delivering great results on your projects to include on your CV, and focus on your other professional relationships within the company. He was my immediate supervisor, but I did not use him as a reference in the future (obviously!) and being able to use my grandboss was key.

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    1. MigraineMonth*

      This is a good point. LW, your boss isn’t being incompetent *at* you, he just doesn’t seem able to do his job. In a better company he wouldn’t have been moved into management, he would have received training, he would have been intensively coached, he would have been moved out of management and/or he would have been let go when it was clear he couldn’t hack it. None of those should be done with anger, because inability isn’t the same as misbehavior.

      The emotional dumping is *way* out of line and needs to stop, but it’s not really his fault he was promoted above his ability and his manager sucks too much to do anything about it.

      Reply ↓
  18. Citymouse*

    I feel like the dynamic here has totally broken down and because boss’s sense of boundaries is way, way off I don’t see any way LW can fix this. My best suggestion is to just get out of the supervision or the job, if possible. Otherwise grit your teeth and hold on.

    Reply ↓
  19. tabloidtainted*

    Sometimes, when we can’t change someone’s behavior, we manage our anger at that injustice by becoming almost similarly unyielding. “I can’t change you, but you can’t stop me from being angry and expressing that anger in XYZ way.” It feels like losing if there’s no outlet for your (rightful) rage. But your victory here is getting out with your sanity intact, not successfully remaining “professional but not warm.” It may help to decide what is more emotionally draining–putting up with his neediness in the face of your professional boundary, or acting warmly towards him and pretending like everything has been resolved. Sometimes, the latter is easier overall, even if it feels less just.

    Reply ↓
    1. NothingIsLittle*

      Wow, that’s a spectacularly bad take! OP would ruin her professional reputation if she lost her cool over this. Speaking as someone who has been in a similar situation; it can be very difficult to tell from the outside that Boss is the problem. The minute OP is openly, transparently angry at work, she’s going to be perceived as the problem.

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      1. Snarky McSnarkerson*

        I don’t think that’s what tabloidtainted said. They’re saying there are more than 2 choices and suggesting flexibility.

        Reply ↓
        1. NothingIsLittle*

          Yeah, I think I misread the comment with “professional” being the optional part rather than “but not warm,” which was pretty alarming. On a second read, that wasn’t correct.

          Reply ↓
      2. YetAnotherAnalyst*

        I don’t think tabloidtainted is advising LW get visibly angry – they’re saying that maintaining icy professionalism seems to be how LW is demonstrating anger, but they may need to pretend to not be angry at all (ie, fake friendliness) to finish out the job in relative peace

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        1. JustaTech*

          Yes. When I’m really upset with a senior person at work (usually after they’ve said that none of us are working, but also doesn’t want to see our work output, just butts in seat) I really, really want to call them by their professional title, rather than by their first name, like we usually do.
          So it would be “Thank you for your feedback, Dr Lastname.” But while that could be read as text by an outsider to be civil, there’s zero question that anyone in the room would know I was beyond pissed.
          So I say it in my head and keep the “gravely interested” face on tight.

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      3. HannahS*

        What on earth are you talking about? Tabloidtainted didn’t suggest that they should be openly and transparently angry; you just wrote that out of thin air. I actually think their comment is really thoughtful and insightful.

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        1. NothingIsLittle*

          I read “But your victory here is getting out with your sanity intact, not successfully remaining “professional but not warm.”” as “you do not have to remain professional but not warm,” (which is accurate) with professional being the condition of change rather than not warm (which is not accurate). It was pretty alarming to read a comment that seemed to say not to worry about being professional! I’ve realized that “but not warm” was the intended condition, but the misread was absolutely not out of thin air.

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  20. CubeFarmer*

    RE: the professional and polite attitude. I have a new-ish co-worker who would never, ever be someone I had anything to do with if we weren’t colleagues. She’s done and said a couple of (what I would best describe,) as tone-deaf things in the time she’s been here. One was just stupid–she made a huge assumption about how my financial situation would impact a decision I had to make. The second was a comment about a struggling area where I was participating in a project. The first situation I just laughed off, “Oh, ha, ha, that might be. I don’t know anything about the cost of X as opposed to Y, I just chose X because it’s more convenient for what I need to do.” I called her out the second time, “Our jobs have us working in struggling communities, so I don’t understand why you would say that.” She tried to backtrack on the second comment, but to me, the two combined were a statement about her values. Since then I’ve been pleasant, helpful, and collaborative, when it makes sense, and don’t go out of my way to interact with her when I don’t have to.

    I actually feel like that about most of my colleagues, and stick to small talk and workplace gossip. Maybe they feel that way about me, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.

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    1. Mesquito*

      I love this framing – for all you know it’s mutual, and we are all faking pleasant to make our workplaces mutually tolerable, it really doesn’t matter. Although the things you’re describing, if they are common at your org, I think it would eventually lower my opinion of the org in a more significant way

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  21. Generic Name*

    I am honestly very relieved to hear this answer. Sometimes I worry that I am being two-faced when I am professionally nice to people in my industry I actually dislike. There are a variety of reasons I don’t really like them, ranging from it just being a “me” thing to them actually trying to sabotage me when we both worked for the same company. But I treat them all the same. I’ll make inane chitchat with them at industry events if our paths cross (there are some I actively avoid to make sure this doesn’t happen), and I feel like I’m being a disingenuous liar when I act nice to them. I’ve often wondered if I should be colder to them, but honestly, many of them are just fine to talk to for 5 mins at a meeting and then I go back to never thinking about them or talking to them the other 364 days of the year.

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    1. MigraineMonth*

      No, workplace/professional conduct requires that we interact with people, including those we wouldn’t get along with in our personal lives, in a way that minimizes drama and issues. Work relationships are fundamentally transactional. That doesn’t mean they’re “fake”, but that they work on different rules than personal friendships or family.

      This is why you usually fall out of touch with work friends as soon as you stop working together, and why it’s okay to reach out to a manager you haven’t spoken with in 5 years for a professional reference, for example. (Also why you should never think the salesperson/waitstaff/bartender is flirting with you unless they literally give you their phone number.)

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      1. allathian*

        True, but there’s a huge difference between faking nice to former coworkers you see once a year at a professional conference and coworkers, or worse, bosses, you have to work with every day.

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  22. workingdayandnight*

    I’ve witnessed this a lot in my career. People are often thrown into the deep end. I feel sorry for them. They are given positions without experience or training – or even an explanation of what’s expected of them. They either sink or swim and it’s unfair for the rest of us during the sinking part. I do my best to focus on helping the ones I work with stay afloat so we won’t all be taken down on a project. In my experience, companies often take too long to identify which of those employees are growing into their roles and which ones never will. If this employee is openly struggling in his role, I would be upset with the company, not him.

    Reply ↓
  23. No Longer a Bookkeeper*

    This one is tough — I think the difference between your usual demeanor vs your scrupulously professional demeanor is an important factor. I’m a very friendly, bubbly person, and sometimes people act like I’ve slapped them in the face when I’m “just” professionally polite. (Which usually happens because I have a migraine or someone has been a complete and utter AH to me.) It’s very draining! Usually the people who act like basic politeness = committing a crime are the people who expect waaaaaay too much emotional energy from me, and given your description of your boss, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening here.

    In my experience, setting boundaries in a way that doesn’t “blame” him might be the best bet. I like some other commenters’ ideas about being “so busy” that you don’t have time to be chatty, and honestly the once a week sweet treat idea someone mentioned might be a good idea too. He’s clearly emotionally immature, so treating him like an annoying 10 year old might work! There’s a lady who makes videos about “gentle parenting” your obnoxious, immature relatives, so maybe thinking “Oh no, it looks like someone’s having BIG FEELINGS!” might help you cope a little until you can bail. I hope you can get a new job soon!!

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    1. JustaTech*

      Yes Ms Frazzled and her “gentle parenting your obnoxious relatives”! I think she might have a few about coworkers too.

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  24. Emergency Pants*

    I’d recommend LW taking a step back to ID their priorities in this situation (e.i. minimizing day to day stress? getting a solid reference?). Once you acknowledge what matters in these situations its easier to step back from the other bs. Additionally, this seems like a good place to use the grey rock method (be boring, brief and unemotional in your responses) to minimize the length and intensity of the interactions while you focus on your own priorities.

    Reply ↓
    1. Paint N Drip*

      This is solid advice!! I hope LW/OP has enough of a relationship with their grand-boss to snag a reference from them

      Reply ↓

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