should I report an old mentor who was inappropriate with me?

by Alison Green on April 23, 2025

A reader writes:

The letter you posted from the volunteer who didn’t disclose something to a student’s teacher and parents reminded me about something that happened to me a while ago with an outside mentor for an after-school program, especially since I was a lot like Marvin in that letter (without the expensive romantic overtures).

I was the only girl in a STEM club at my high school, and the mentor was, let’s say, a teapot designer who also trained teapot drivers. Bob wasn’t actually a teacher at my school. He was a volunteer who worked at a well-known organization that the club was associated with, which other schools were involved in.

I was 14, and he was in his mid-40s(?). I was that straight-A nerdy gifted-and-talented kid just like Marvin who barely socialized with my peers and gravitated towards teachers instead. I especially gravitated towards Bob because it was/is my dream to be a teapot driver. We had a very close mentor-student relationship, and he always regaled me with stories of his job.

After I graduated high school, I stayed in touch with Bob. We would go out to lunches whenever we were in the same city and have long text conversations. I never thought anything was off because our conversations always focused on changes in the industry, scientific discoveries and theories, learning new languages, literature, etc. It was like being friends with Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society.

However, after I graduated college, I off-handedly mentioned to him that I had broken up with someone I had been dating. That was when Bob nervously confessed to me, “I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but I’m attracted to you.” My mind did a complete record-scratch. The only thing I could manage to say was, “Sorry, I don’t date married men.” (Even though him being married was obviously the least of my concerns.) It was the last time I saw him (January 2021). He texted me exactly three times since that occurred — August 2021, January 2022, and February 2022. I ignored all of them, and it was the last I ever heard from him.

I had spent the following years questioning myself and my ability to read his intentions (especially after an autism diagnosis that came shortly after). I suddenly remembered a time when he visited me at college. When we were at an ice cream shop, he joked, “A lot of the people there were looking at us thinking I was some old guy dating a young lady like you.” I thought nothing of it at the moment and took it at face value. When he was driving me back to my dorm, he patted my leg and said, “You must be cold! You have goosebumps!” And I laughed then because I actually was cold! And when he offered to take me to his hotel, his intentions flew completely over my head, and I told him that it was late and that I had a mid-term in the morning. (It wasn’t even an excuse! I actually did have a mid-term and truly had no idea he was implying sex!)

It made me feel so gross and confused. Did I unknowingly encourage it all because of my autism? Should I have seen the signs either way? Did Bob actually enjoy any of our intellectual conversations, or was he just playing some long game to get into my pants? How long did he have those feelings? Did he become attracted to me after I graduated high school or before? I blocked it all out for the last five years because I didn’t want to think about it. I never even told a therapist about it. A friend suggested I talk to someone at RAINN for advice, but I don’t want to misuse their services since Bob never actually tried to rape or even kiss me.

I’m now 28. After I read the Marvin letter, I googled Bob. He’s still in that organization. I feel like I need to say something to someone to stop him from potentially doing this to another student, but I have no idea where to begin or what consequences would arise if I bring it to light. I have no idea if this is something legitimate to warn someone about, or if I’m overreacting, or if it’s been too many years. I’m scared of it turning into a mess of “he said, she said” and having it blow up in everyone’s face. It wasn’t an actual crime that could be applied in a legal sense, so I can’t go to the police. Is there anything I should do?

I’m very sorry this happened to you.

Bob positioned himself as an older, wiser authority figure and mentor, someone you could trust, and then he abused that trust by trying to sexualize the relationship. Of course you’re now questioning whether he ever enjoyed your conversations the way you thought he did or whether it was all a long game to groom you.

I don’t think we’ll ever know the answer to that for sure, but what I do know for sure is that you didn’t encourage it. This was a person who had been mentoring you since you were a child. Think about how young the 14-year-olds you know are, and how unreasonable it would be to expect any of them to screen all their interactions with adults through the lens of “am I encouraging this adult to view me sexually?”

You paid him the respect of assuming that he was being genuine with you and that he wasn’t a predatory creep. It’s not your fault that he hid it for a while. That’s what dudes like this do. That’s part of how they do it; they know they wouldn’t get anywhere if they made their intentions clear up-front (and in some cases that would get them sent to prison, and rightly so).

He took advantage of the access the mentoring program gave him, and he took advantage of the trust you had in him. You aren’t responsible for his choice to do that; that’s 100% on him and no one else.

And for the sake of thoroughness, sure, it’s possible that Bob’s interest in you was utterly wholesome for years and then one day, once you were solidly into adulthood, that changed. It still wouldn’t be okay that he didn’t think about or care how violated it might make you feel to be hit on by someone who had been mentoring you since you were 14. (And his visiting you at college and then suggesting you come back to his hotel with him is just … ugh. You might have been technically an adult, but there’s no world where that’s appropriate for the man who’s mentored you since you were a child to do while you’re in college.)

As for what to do now … first, you absolutely can contact RAINN, even though Bob didn’t assault you. What he did was a violation, and it’s making you question the same sorts of things people often question after they are assaulted, and the question is around a trusted figure who has made you feel preyed upon. I am confident that they would be happy to talk with you. (Even if they’re not, they’d just explain that; they won’t be outraged that you asked. But again, I’m sure they’ll talk to you. Please call them if you want to!)

You would also be on very solid ground in contacting the organization Bob still volunteers for. You’re not asking for an extensive investigation that becomes “he said, she said.” You’d simply be contacting them to say, “I want to let you know that one of your volunteers formed a mentor relationship with me through your program when I was 14, stayed in close contact with me after I graduated, and then propositioned me while I was in college and then a second time after I graduated. It felt very much like an abuse of his access to teenage girls, and I want to make you aware of it.” What they do from there is up to them, but you get to tell them that it happened and that it shouldn’t have.

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{ 173 comments }

{ 173 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. Justin*

    As Alison said, who knows if his plans changed towards this later or were always there, what matters is he did the things that you know for sure that he did.

    Good luck.

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    1. JustCuz*

      Yeah the plans. But still was in a position of authortity through mentorship over OP the entire time. Instead of looking at her like a colleage in his field, he chose to make it all gross.

      I got on AAM today never expecting my heart to break. I too when younger did not understand these mystical sexual overtures social cues, and I too blamed myself for the situations I got myself (these dudes put me) into. Its not you. Its not your fault. Its a whole thing older men do – knowing who to pick and how to play it all up!

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      1. Grenelda Thurber*

        This hit close to my heart too. I spent literally years trying to figure out what I did that caused my step-father’s uncle (someone I saw as a substitute grandfather) make an overt pass at me when I was sixteen. I had never so much as held hands with a boy my own age. I just didn’t understand.

        But here’s the thing, *nothing* I could have done should have caused a man in his fifties to reach across the car and grab my boob when I was 16. That’s why it’s illegal. Realizing that finally helped me stop trying to figure it out and indirectly blaming myself.

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        2. Festively Dressed Earl*

          Exactly. There’s no set of facts that justify a middle aged man sexualizing a teenaged girl. Nothing a child does or does not do constitutes asking for abuse; the onus is 100% on the adult to refrain from being a predator.

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        3. Colleen Pyne*

          I still question myself 30+ years later after an uncle turned his head so a kiss goodbye landed on his lips rather than his cheek. Accident, right? Then it happened the next visit too. What pushed it over was, as I was driving him home, he stroked my hair and said I had grown into a lovely young women. Nope! Immediately told my mom I wasn’t going to make waves over her BIL but I was NOT going to be alone with him again. I was 18, he had taught me to drive, I teethed on his thumb. Yet I still wonder if I had done something.

          It is a lot easier when you tell a story at work about the time a driver felt you cut him off, threw a burning hot coffee through the open window, and you had to pull off the road and strip as it was blistering your chest and your coworker excuses himself as he now has to go adjust.

          Do what you feel is right for you but it may help to tell someone and hear outside validation that this wasn’t on you.

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      2. LifebeforeCorona*

        Being young and dumb at the time I can look back with my older experienced eyes and realize what these predators are doing. It’s never the fault of a kid. Sometimes it’s so subtle that even adults are taken in. These people are hyenas, they pick out the weak and vulnerable and spend a lifetime honing their skills.

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    2. JSPA*

      Adding, it’s not a spur of the moment thing (“oh gosh, how could I have said that?”) when he pats your knee… separately, asks you up to his hotel room… and years later, tells you he’s into you.

      He may or may not have been doing some intentional grooming while the LW was underage (likely, but hard to prove), but he very clearly was ready to be inappropriate soon after she was “legal.” That’s already gross, given the history and the dynamic! And when she was oblivious, he chose to make it clear, later.

      LW, there’s a gray zone for the younger person expressing an interest, years later. (Awkward, but not skeevey.) But this is not merely awkward. It’s wrong.

      Even if you’re the only one he tried it with–still wrong. And you can’t know if you’re the only one.

      Please, given you seem to be ok with the idea of reaching out to the organization–please do. (Though of course no guilt if you can’t bring yourself to do it.)

      Any hypothetical other people who were more damaged by his grooming, or ended up sexually involved with him, may have deeper or fresher scars, and thus a harder time speaking up.

      And please remember that you legitimately learned what you learned, and succeeded where you succeeded, regardless of what percentage of his motives were not an acceptable part of a mentor-mentee relationship.

      He could have ogled preteens in a game arcade or on the beach. Its a testament to your intellect that the way for someone to get close to you was by topic-driven mentorship. You’re allowed to be glad for what you got, intellectually, and still throw caltrops in his path, if he tries to engage in grooming behavior.

      (And if he’s such a good teacher–let him write a book. None of this “real time, in person private time, plus college visits.)

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      1. Elitist Semicolon*

        I’m sure you meant well, but “He could have ogled preteens in a game arcade or on the beach. Its a testament to your intellect that the way for someone to get close to you was by topic-driven mentorship” comes perilously close to “you should be flattered!”

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  2. ChaoticNeutral*

    OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. You were not to blame at all and you deserve any kind of support you feel you need.

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    1. Strive to Excel*

      OP, you are not to blame. You were 14. People like Bob deliberately aren’t blatant at first, and if you’ve never been taught the danger signs to look for of course you wouldn’t see them. The moment you ran into something you knew was inappropriate you took the best possible course and got the heck out of there. You made good choices in a terrible situation.

      Do feel free to contact RAINN. They are very clear that grooming behavior and non-physical inappropriate interactions are damaging as well as physical interactions. It’s not a waste of resources in any way; it’s an appropriate use of them.

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      1. AnonSurvivor*

        You would also be welcome in sexual assault survivor support groups, if you would like to talk to and be supported by others who have been through similar experiences. The circumstances may seem very different, but at the core everyone there will be coping with the experience of having their boundaries violated in a sexual way. You will not be the only one there wondering if you somehow encouraged the creep, if there were red flags you should have seen, feeling guilt or shame even though you know intellectually they were in the wrong, feeling anger, wondering if your experience is even valid because it could have been worse or it doesn’t match the media depiction of sexual abuse.

        The fault rests entirely with the grown adult who mentored a child and then tried to use that trust to turn the relationship sexual. If you could have recognized the red flags at the time, you would have; you are older, wiser and better able to see the warning signs now. It’s normal and okay to feel every single emotion right now all at once. Your experience is valid. It is entirely your choice who you share your experience with and whether you choose to tell the organization; if you choose not to tell the organization, that does not make you responsible for any of this creep’s future actions.

        I believe you.

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        1. Arrietty*

          Absolutely. The thing that makes something an assault is rarely the physical act alone, nearly always the emotional context and the power dynamics (even physical acts that cause significant damage can theoretically be consensual in some contexts – it’s the lack of consent that is the problem).

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      2. Ann Nonymous*

        Similar thing happened to me at about that age. It’s only in retrospect (I’m now 60) that I’ve recently recognized it as grooming. Thankfully nothing “happened” but I’m retroactively creeped out by his now-obvious attention and intentions. Men: stop being pervs!

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  3. bamcheeks*

    LW, if you had ever suspected that Bob fancied you and voiced those suspicions, you would have been told not to be so ridiculous, not every man who is friendly is attracted to you, what makes you think you’re so attractive anyway, can’t a man just be friendly, and a bunch of other gaslighting bullshit. One of patriarchy’s tricks is to tell us we’ve got to be “aware” of our impact on men and that we’re responsible for it, and then to attack us both ways — to tell us we’re stupid because of course we should have known, or that we’re up ourselves and big-headed because we think every guy is attracted to us. There is no winning strategy here: it’s a lose-lose either way. You don’t need to spend another second questioning yourself. <3

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    1. londonedit*

      Spot on. With a side order of ‘Don’t you know that Bob is one of our top teapot drivers? Imagine what people would think if you suddenly started spreading rumours around. It could ruin his career!!!’

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      3. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        I was told that I had no right to ‘ruin a man’s life’ by the police after my incident. My attacker (and ex) never suffered any consequences.

        (BTW if you are approached in London by a very wealthy white man in his late 40s who promises you the earth – RUN)

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    4. an infinite number of monkeys*

      And once they’ve taken it well past the point of plausible deniability, the whole situation is your fault for “sending mixed signals” and “leading them on.”

      So sorry, LW. It really is a no-win situation, and it is 100% not your fault or anything you did wrong.

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      1. Abby*

        This is 100% it, it’s a complete bear trap of needing to feign ignorance of slowly escalating flirtation to avoid nasty backlash riiiiight up until they do something actually overt, at which point you’re stupid for “not realising” (even if you did) or even cruel for “misleading” them up to that point. Schrödinger’s Creep!

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      2. duinath*

        i want to be really clear, for op or anyone else reading this, i sincerely doubt you did anything to “encourage” this behaviour, but even if you had? if someone is a child with a crush, and is obvious about it, no right thinking adult will take that as encouragement to view them in a romantic light.

        no grown up will think “oh this teen is into me” and have that open the door to romance unless they are already not someone you can trust with a young vulnerable person.

        it’s always easy to blame yourself, and if you can’t find a reason you’ll probably invent one, but it truly is not ever your fault.

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        1. JSPA*

          “I am having a moment of connection with you” is not a sexual come-on, when the person doing it is not a self-aware sexual being, intending to forge a sexual connection.

          Even toddlers can preen, giggle and blush. Babies play peek-a-boo. First grade teachers sometimes have pupils who leave sticky candy with pocket lint for them, or write “I want to marry Mrs Brown when I grow up.”

          Absolutely none of this is an excuse for predatory action on the behalf of ANY adult–then, or later.

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    6. Aggretsuko*

      In my experience, it’s more likely than not that a guy may very well be into you. Even if he’s old enough to be your father, married, or otherwise didn’t seem like the type who would be interested/make a move.

      Signed, You Would Not Believe How Much Of That Stuff I’ve Had Going On In The Last Week.

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  4. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    An important note also: If you decide to not report him, that is also fine. There’s a tendancy among us to think ‘if I don’t report him and he does it again I bear some responsibility for it’ and this kind of thinking is highly damaging and untrue.

    Only the perpetrator is responsible for their actions.

    (It’s taken decades of therapy to get me to the point where I don’t feel like I’m to blame for my attacker not facing any consequences)

    From my experience of those kind of helplines here in the UK you don’t need to have had some kind of physical attack to use them. There’s more than one type of abuse or predatory behaviour and it’s not always physical.

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    1. bamcheeks*

      YES this is so important. Having someone be a creep to you does not confer a responsibility on you!

      Not to mentions that the vast majority of the “systems to protect other [group]” which people imagine will leap into action if you report harassment or assault simply … do not exist.

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      1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

        Aye, true. I was told by the police that I had no case against the guy who abused me because it would ruin his life ‘over a little misunderstanding’. To say I’ve got issues regarding authority is an understatement.

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      2. What_the_What*

        …and those systems will do the same thing the OP did in the moment and assign a different interpretation to his actions and make her feel foolish for even attempting to report him for creepy yet not quite illegal activity–further infliction of trauma and no consequences for “Bob”.

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    2. Generic Name*

      YES! I commented below, and meant to include this but forgot. Reporting Bob to the organization might help other teenage girls from being victimized by this creep, but you are not under a moral or ethical obligation to report him. Reporting this stuff is sometimes risky or just re-traumatizing, and you get to decide to do what’s best for you.

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      1. Princess Sparklepony*

        Another thing, with OP reporting this to the organization years later – my cynical guess is that the organization won’t do a thing unless they have had other complaints or he gives some women in organization an icky feeling.

        It’s just easier for an organization to ignore a report than face it square on. But I am jaded, so that just might be me speaking as someone who came of age in the 1970s.

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    3. AnonSurvivor*

      Louder for the folks in the back: whatever you choose to do or not to do YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PERPETRATOR’S ACTIONS.

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    4. MicroManagered*

      I encouraged OP to report in my stand-alone comment because the overall tone of the letter sounded like she’s leaning that way, but wanted to affirm this one too.

      I experienced an assault that I chose not to report and went through similar feelings. You are not obligated to put yourself through more suffering because someone happened to pick you as a victim.

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      1. AnonSurvivor*

        I made that choice as well.

        We support you in whatever you choose, LW, and the choice is completely yours!

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      2. What_the_What*

        I think the difference here though, is that suffered an “assault” which is a tangible action and 100% should be reported. The OP, in hindsight, is realizing he did/said some inappropriate things over the course of many years, but the police/whoever she reports it to, will almost certainly say she misunderstood the intentions of this “upstanding citizien” and has no proof that a leg touch or invitation to his hotel add up to an actionable offense. I think OP needs to focus on her own mental health and getting support for herself and reporting and getting rebuffed could endanger that well being.

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        1. AnonSurvivor*

          I disagree with this reasoning. Whether the misconduct was physical, verbal, etc shouldn’t be a deciding factor for reporting.

          When reporting to the police, legality and statute of limitations will apply. The police department’s history of handling investigations/prosecutions of sexual misconduct also matter, as does the risk there is of retaliation. Given the details, I agree that going to the police is unlikely to be effective (unless there are specific anti-grooming laws he violated and the crimes haven’t passed the statue of limitations).

          However, there is a different calculus for reporting the grooming to the youth mentoring organization, which doesn’t need a specific prosecutable crime to have taken place to recognize this guy is dangerous to their program and those it serves.

          Whether or not someone should report grooming, verbal abuse or a sexual assault always depends on many factors, and ultimately should come down to that person’s choice of what is best for them. There’s often a lot of guilt and fear around the choice to report or not report, so please don’t make rules like “this 100% should be reported [to the police]” because you’ll never know all the factors that go into that decision.

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        2. D*

          If OP feels the right thing to do is to report this, then she should report it. If she’d rather not, that’s fine, too.

          She’s also talking about reporting it to the organization, not trying to get the police to open an investigation that will be taken to court. It’s totally possible the organization can handle it poorly and that could cause OP distress. It’s also possible that the organization will express gratitude and the OP will feel some relief.

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  5. Just a Pile of Oranges*

    Oh LW. If a friend said to you that their partner was calling them horrible names and insulting them, but had never laid a hand on them, would you not still tell them to get out of the abusive relationship? The emotional is just as damaging as the physical, and your feelings about what happened are valid and important. Bob betrayed your trust in a terrible way. That’s not remotely your fault.

    If you feel like you want to say something, you absolutely have the right to do so. If you want to reach out for help, you’re not misusing anything. For what it’s worth you have this internet stranger’s reassurance on that front.

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  6. H.Regalis*

    You did not encourage a damn thing. This is 100% on Bob. He chose to be creepy and predatory. You did nothing wrong.

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  7. CubeFarmer*

    Bob is super-duper gross, absolutely a groomer, and was completely inappropriate with you. I’m so sorry.

    You did nothing wrong! It is absolutely a gift to stay in touch with a beloved teacher long after their time teaching you is over. Bob had a position of authority over you when you were much younger and more vulnerable, he earned your admiration and trust, and that created a permanent imbalance in the relationship that he took advantage of.

    As to whether or not you report it…sigh. That’s your decision. Part of me says that you owe it to other women to not let them be in the same situation as you were. Part of me also says that you don’t owe anyone else anything, and some of the ways that survivors are treated in these instances make it hard to want to come forward. Do you have a support system to help you deal with any potential negatives if you tell someone and they are not receptive?

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  8. (not that) Beth*

    I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Please know that this is not your fault. Bob didn’t do this because you encouraged him. On the contrary–from what you describe of your past interactions, your “this went over my head” cluelessness really looks a lot like my “I see this and I’m uncomfortable, I’m going to quietly discourage it and hope he stops” would’ve looked like!

    People don’t attempt to hook up with a mentee they’ve known since childhood, cheating on their spouse in the process, because the mentee gave some kind of unspoken signal that they should. They do it because they’re sleazeballs. And you’re not wrong to think that someone who’s proven himself to be a sleazeball once, might do it again. If you’re willing to reach out to the organization with a message like Alison suggested, it would be a legitimate thing to do, and a kindness to other girls in the program.

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    1. Rush*

      A guy who isn’t a creep wouldn’t let it happen even if LW was throwing herself at him (which I absolutely do not think you were – you did nothing wrong, you did not encourage this in any way). But the point I’m trying to make is that even if LW threw herself on him and tried to initiate sex with him, a good, genuine mentor who was not a creep would shut that down and end it and certainly wouldn’t cheat on his wife. So there is no scenario here where he’s not a creep.

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      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        “a good, genuine mentor who was not a creep would shut that down and end it”

        Like the woman who mentored Marvin from the aforementioned letter.

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        1. Rush*

          Yes, in the current letter’s case he wouldn’t have needed to report anything to anyone as LW was an adult outside of the school system at the time but the power imbalance remains and the mentor still has a moral obligation to discourage and stop any advances (not that there were any) and obviously not to do any advancing himself.

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      2. Franklin J. Alnwick*

        Honestly, even the thought of being in a position where I’d have to shut something like that down is giving me an anxiety attack…

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    2. Observer*

      People don’t attempt to hook up with a mentee they’ve known since childhood, cheating on their spouse in the process, because the mentee gave some kind of unspoken signal that they should. They do it because they’re sleazeballs.

      Yes! 1 million times over!

      f you’re willing to reach out to the organization with a message like Alison suggested, it would be a legitimate thing to do, and a kindness to other girls in the program.

      Agreed.

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    4. JSPA*

      Indeed! There is no bat signal, no high pitched whistle, no secret handshake you’re accidentally giving, that reads, “attention mentor, it’s time for you to get in my pants.”

      LW, intellectually, you probably get this, yeah? There is no such convention. There is no legitimate basis for him to “come to a misunderstanding.”

      Any pseudo-basis would have to be something that he himself constructed, and tried to foist on you. And the word for that is: grooming.

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  9. Stuart Foote*

    I was raised pretty conservatives in a very permissive time (90’s and early 00’s), and it is wild how much the culture has changed. (For the better in this case, although I am no longer a conservative and in fact many conservatives have evolved to have much more…permissive views when it comes to misconduct by certain public figures). There was a time this would have been considered a little odd (and perhaps a little embarrassing for the mentor), but not really scandalous. Now almost everyone would find this wildly out of line.

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    1. CubeFarmer*

      I know. I wish that I could say that the situation LW describes shocks me, but as someone who was a young adult in the mid 90s, it does not.

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      1. Alex*

        Yeah, I can’t even tell you know many of my friends slept with high school teachers once they graduated. Technically legal? Yes. Icky? Also yes.

        But the fact that this was (and probably still is) common doesn’t make this something that the LW did wrong. There wasn’t some rule that the LW was breaking–she was engaging authentically in what she thought was a mentor relationship. This guy was using his position as a mentor to be close to someone he was attracted to, and that is 100% on him and his wrongdoing.

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      2. Jam on Toast*

        I was a teenager and young adult in the late 90s, too, and even then Bob’s behaviour would have been problematic. I had a male mentor when I was slightly older than OP (late teens, early 20s). It was a professor in my university program. After I finished taking his courses, we would meet up for coffee or lunch every couple of months. He offered career advice and feedback on my research, and I considered him a friend. He even came to my graduation, because my father was very ill at the time, and he was worried I wouldn’t have anyone to cheer when I walked across the stage. We stayed in touch til he passed away, and I still think of him fondly. That is how a mentor is supposed to act, whether it’s 1995 or 2025.
        And Bob’s age or generational identity is no excuse, either. My mentor was born in the 1920s! and despite that, he never propositioned me, or asked me to visit him in a hotel, or told me he was sexually attracted to me. Bob’s behaviour toward OP is and was wrong, full stop. While I agree that there has been a welcome shift in recent years about how society as a whole responds to allegations like this, the grooming behaviour she describes in her letter would have been just as wrong in the 90s as it is now and I hope she can find solace and comfort in knowing that.

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        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Yup, when I was a preteen/young teenager, I had a sort of friendship/menteeship with a local priest but the only things we talked about were either theology/church history typed stuff that interested me because I was a nerdy kid who loved history or else minor pre-teen typed problems that I wanted an adult’s input on without it being somebody who felt they’d have to do something – think stuff like “what should I do if somebody keeps borrowing my pencils without asking and forgets to give them back? I don’t want to tell the teacher ’cause she’d get in trouble” typed stuff.

          I didn’t keep in contact, but I later subbed in the school he was chairman of the board of and when he called in, he seemed pleased to see me and was like “oh, I knew this lady as a child,” but it was an “oh, it’s great to see how you turned out” attitude. Not a “now you are legal” one.

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    2. Emily Byrd Starr*

      And in the 1890’s and early 1900’s, no one would have even found it odd. My screen name is the protagonist from a series of young adult books by L.M. Montgomery (also the author of the Anne of Green Gables books). Emily had a “mentor,” Dean Priest, who was a friend of her father’s from college. They met when she was 14, and he often came to visit her and brought her presents. In the third and final book, we learn that Dean had been attracted to Emily from the beginning, and he had been waiting for her to reach adulthood. It was almost exactly like the scenario in this letter, except for how they met. Emily’s family weren’t thrilled about Dean’s “friendship” with her, but they also did nothing to discourage it.
      Reading the books again as an adult, I realize how inappropriate and icky the whole thing was.

      Reply ↓
        1. Kristi*

          Adds an extra layer of ick when you remember he “mentored” her writing then sabotaged it so she wouldn’t succeed. A different time… but LMM observed the type well.

          Reply ↓
        1. Rainy*

          Oh my gosh…I read all of the Anne books multiple times, The Blue Castle about a hundred, but the Emily books only once, and I think I was just so squicked out I never picked them up again, and I never really put it together til now.

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      3. Dana Lynne*

        See also: The movie “Gigi”.

        Seen as sweet at the time, apparently. Now I am amazed at how icky and gross it was.

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    3. AnonSurvivor*

      Hmm, this might be region-specific. I was in high school in late 90’s/early 00’s, and I know several adults in my life were at least investigated for grooming/sexual harassment of kids my age. Admittedly, I don’t think either were dismissed, but they were told to stop certain behaviors.

      I’m really glad I knew my math teacher was being investigated, because he thought I was a special student and offered me private after-school tutoring…

      Reply ↓
  10. Myrin*

    Alison (or anyone else), should OP decide to contact the organisation, would you recommend she do that via phone (or possibly even in person if she still happens to be in the area) or in writing?

    Reply ↓
    1. Bbbbbbbbb*

      I would recommend phone since in person is so potentially emotionally triggering and it is very easy to just hang up if so, and BE in your own space. I am not even sure why email would work here. You wouldn’t know if it ever arrived.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ditto*

        Perhaps I’m mistaken, but shouldn’t it be through email to ensure that there is a written record somewhere? And so the LW’s words cannot be twisted or for anyone to put words in her mouth?

        “Hello, I would like to talk about how Bob did x, and I’m worried that he might do it to another student.”
        “She said Bob is a horrible person because he might’ve done y!”

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      2. Annony*

        I think email might actually work better. The odds of getting someone on the phone who can actually do anything are low without arranging an appointment ahead of time. An email can be forwarded to whoever deals with volunteers if the first person is not the right one. The advantage of email is the ability to info dump, read, edit and then send it off never to be thought of again. A phone call means being interrupted, having to think on your feet, being misheard or misunderstood or even having them end the call because they don’t want to hear it.

        But overall I think if OP wants to contact the organization she should choose whatever method makes her the most comfortable.

        Reply ↓
      3. Observer*

        I would recommend phone since in person is so potentially emotionally triggering and it is very easy to just hang up if so, and BE in your own space.

        Which is an argument against doing on the phone.

        I am not even sure why email would work here.

        Why would it not “work”? In fact, it is a lot *more* likely to work, because the LW can send it to multiple addresses. And if even *one* person who sees it takes it seriously, it’s very easy to make sure it gets to the people who need to see it, with all of the detail the LW chooses to share. Much more easily that with a phone conversation.

        And it creates a record, which can be useful.

        You wouldn’t know if it ever arrived.

        If you really are worried about that, either use a delivery receipt or send it to more than one address.

        Reply ↓
        2. Banana Pyjamas*

          Sending to multiple addresses is an important point. On average, children who experience SA have to report it to 5 adults before someone believes them. That’s why it’s recommended to teach kids to tell 5 designated adults if something happens. I think LW may want to take the same approach.

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          1. Rainy*

            I saw something on social media a while back that hasn’t left me. It was a post from someone who used to be a character actor at a Disney park, one of the princesses. She said that kids are so excited to meet the princesses they love that they will tell them wishes as though they were fairy godmothers, and she said that the number of children who ran up to her, hugged her, told her they loved her…and then begged her to make some adult in their life stop preying on them… :( :( :(

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      4. Beth*

        OP doesn’t really need to know what they do with it, though. If they get an email and take action on it, great. If they get an email and delete it or ignore it, there’s nothing OP can do.

        Maybe this is self-delusion on my part, but if I was sending a message like this, I’d rather do it by email than phone. That way, if they don’t take action (or don’t take action that’s visible to me), I can tell myself it must’ve gotten caught in spam filters, instead of spiraling about this maybe being a terrible organization that doesn’t care about mentors grooming mentees for future sex.

        On a practical level, I also think writing is an easier way to convey high-stress messages. You can edit it to say exactly what you want before sending, and the recipient can’t mishear or misremember it.

        Reply ↓
    2. AnonSurvivor*

      I think that OP should use whichever mode of communication that they are most comfortable using. I think it might be more important to make sure the message gets to someone high enough in the organization to have an impact (though sending it to the main inbox is still better than nothing).

      The OP could also report this semi-anonymously, though anonymous reports tend to have less impact.

      Reply ↓
    3. CubeFarmer*

      If LW decides to report, then both might be best. First a phone call, and then ask to follow up via email with the date/time of the conversation, who was involved, and what was discussed. In the email, I would also cc a trusted close friend or family member who can then confirm that the email was received (when inevitably the person to whom the email was intended claims that it was never received. A cc doesn’t negate this risk, but it makes it a little harder to deny.)

      Reply ↓
      1. JSPA*

        The LW should probably calculate in that Bob may (after failing in his advances) have laid some groundwork to discredit her.

        And separately, that people may think of her as Bob’s mentee, and forward email on to him, without reading it.

        If there’s a board, and you can find the members’ emails, I wonder if that would be a way to go about it?

        LW, you could even thank them for the program, but point out that when you were being mentored, the guardrails and oversight turned out to be grossly inadequate to prevent grooming, and that having “later been subjected to clearly inappropriate overtures” by your “old, married mentor” had retroactively soured the experience for you. Heck, you don’t even have to name names in that first email (thus largely avoiding any accusations of having an axe to grind). Give them a “burner” email to contact you, and see if they do the right thing by responding substantively. At least, that seems a reasonable way to play it.

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  11. Fluffy Fish*

    OP I want you to understand trauma is not the olympics. Your trauma doesn’t have to be worse than someone else. There’s no threshold it needs to meet to be considered qualified to reach out to RAINN or for you to be upset or feeling any kind of way about it. You don’t have to rationalize it, justify it or evaluate it.

    You experienced a trauma full stop. Take care of yourself.

    Reply ↓
    1. AnotherLibrarian*

      My therapist frames this as “trauma with a little t”. Things don’t have to be big and dramatic to cause harm. Please reach out if you need support, OP.

      Reply ↓
    2. alldogsarepuppies*

      As a former RAINN hotline volunteer, I can concur you will not be chased away. The volunteers and staff answering the hotline are empathetic, understanding, and wanting to help. They might be able to help you come up with what you want to say to the program, or locate long term resources to deal with the trauma.

      I would say a good 1/3 of the chats I had in my 200 hours of service were from people not in immediate need or dealing with physical harm. This situation wouldn’t trigger “why are they talking to me” at all.

      Reply ↓
      1. Slow Gin Lizz*

        Thank you for your response, I was hoping someone who knew more about RAINN would chime in. OP, regardless of what you may or may not say to the school organization, I think that what alldogsarepuppies said here about how they can help you locate long-term resources to deal with the trauma is really important. I hope you do, because this is definitely a trauma.

        Reply ↓
    3. AnonSurvivor*

      My SA survivor support group explicitly had a rule not to compare your trauma to anyone else’s, because “everyone experiences pain at 100%.”

      Reply ↓
  12. Irish Teacher.*

    I just want to say that none of this was your fault and nothing you did would have encouraged a decent person. Even if you inadvertently said or did something that a neurotypical person might have interpreted as flirting (and I very much doubt you did), an adult married man should not be “encouraged” by a teen or young adult that he knew since her early teens. Even if he believed you had a crush on him (and again, I doubt he did; nothing here gives that impression) as the adult and the one who was married, it would be his job to discourage that.

    In fact, if he thought you fancied him, his behaviour is, if anything, even more reprehensible because an adult has the responsibility not to take advantage of teen crushes.

    I am a teacher in my 40s. I teach teenage boys (and some girls now; our school went coed nearly two years ago) and there is nothing they could do that would make me think, “oh, it would be completely reasonable to have a relationship with this person 5 or 10 years down the line.” Decent responsible adults don’t think like that.

    I also think it would be fine for you to contact RAINN if you wish to do so. They are there to give support, not to judge whether a particular issue is valid enough or not.

    Reply ↓
    1. Bubbly*

      Echoing what Irish Teacher said here, that decent responsible adults do not think this way about young people they have mentored, even when those people are grown. You are zero percent responsible for this slime ball and his slimy actions, OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

      Reply ↓
      1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

        This is really interesting…I never thought about how that initial mentor-mentee dynamic never really goes away (largely because I’ve never had a reason to; I don’t work with children, and have no interest in ever doing so). Food for thought.

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    2. Great Frogs of Literature*

      100% agreed.

      I also want to say that while, as a woman in my 30’s, I read your account of things Bob did and go OH NO — when I was 18? If I’d gotten similar advances from a mentor or family friend, they would have gone right over my head, too.

      You respected Bob. It’s entirely reasonable that you assumed that a (much!) older adult you respected wasn’t trying to pull sleazy shit. That’s how respect often works when you’re a teenager (and often into adulthood, honestly) — this is a person where you don’t automatically jump to the worst interpretation of their comments or actions. And a 40- or 50-something trying to date a college-age mentee is just so far beyond most young people’s experiences (as it should be!) that it is completely understandable that you didn’t see it until it got very blatant.

      This is ENTIRELY on Bob. You didn’t encourage him. When you figured it out, you behaved maturely and responsibly and took actions to ensure your safety. Don’t blame yourself because you were an innocent child/teenager who was taken advantage of by an adult in a position of authority.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lacey*

        100% this. When I was 18-20, if a much older man had behaved this way – the most I would have thought was, “Oh cringe, he doesn’t realize how awkward he’s being”

        I would never have imagined he was trying for sex. Wouldn’t have even been on my radar.

        Reply ↓
        1. Aggretsuko*

          I am the sort of person who doesn’t think people are coming onto her and then I end up being very unpleasantly surprised once I figure it out. :/ I don’t go through the world thinking people find me attractive!

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    3. Strive to Excel*

      I volunteer at kids events on a somewhat regular basis. As part of that, I’m required to get regular background checks/training. There’s a not-insignificant part of that training that goes over what kinds of behavior is and isn’t inappropriate. In our organization, the proper response if you feel a kid is flirting with you is to go immediately to our supervisor/activity leader and get them involved.

      Bob isn’t just out of line, the line has been willfully set on fire and stomped on.

      Reply ↓
      1. Observer*

        In our organization, the proper response if you feel a kid is flirting with you is to go immediately to our supervisor/activity leader and get them involved.

        My initial thought was a parent. But this makes more sense.

        The key thing, LW, is that the issue of “encouragement” is a red herring. Because there is a proper way to deal with that when it exists – which it did NOT in you case! – and that does *not* not include ignoring it or trying to make a move on you the minute you are legal!

        It does involve getting the appropriate other adults around, involved.

        Reply ↓
    4. Hannah Lee*

      “Decent responsible adults don’t think like that.”

      Thank you! This is so important!

      What Bob did was awful, even if (and that’s a big if) he wasn’t consciously building and maintaining a special relationship with OP with the LT intent of having a sexual relationship with her.

      I also want to mention that, especially in these situations where an adult is mentoring a group of children, young people, the blast zone for this kind of predatory behavior is a wide one. It’s not just the kid(s) these men actively targeted for grooming, emotional, sexual abuse. Every other child in that environment was impacted by the behavior – seeing or overhearing some of the stuff that was over the line, or nearly over the line. And insidiously, their needs, as kids participating in whatever program, activity they were part of, were completely pushed aside while the predator was focused on lining up and working his targets. All that planning, manipulation of situations, avoiding detection took time, effort, attention of the “mentor” away from what they were presumably there to do, be a safe mentor, role model, adult to ALL these kids. So it’s not just the active, abusive sleazy harm they cause to their direct victims such as LW and others the Bob’s of the world target, it’s also the lack of attention, dismissiveness that the other kids around are subject to.

      A youth group I was part of was lead by a priest who later was exposed as one of many priests who had targeted boys in his parishes for sexual abuse, predation. Last count, 8-10 of my peers or boys slightly older/younger than me are known to be direct victims. But I know countless more, girls and boys, who were damaged by that priest’s dismissiveness, lack of attention, behavior that made us uncomfortable even though we didn’t know why, as he focused on grooming the boys he was targeting, arranging outings, beach vacations as CYC activities but excluding all the other kids from those events and not giving them the time of day otherwise. Even for the kids who were not sexually abused, the damage to self worth, sense of belonging, confidence, etc etc left a lasting impact, one I’ve seen friends and relatives struggle with for years (especially vulnerable kids who didn’t have a lot of other supportive adults in their lives).

      OP, you did nothing wrong. Bob is a creep who misused the trust of his position with *children* to gain access for his personal creepiness. Good people wouldn’t take advantage of a situation like that. Bob is not a good person (even if his ‘attraction’ surfaced one you got to college)

      So glad you got clear, and sorry you had do deal with any of this.

      Reply ↓
      2. Arrietty*

        This is a really good point. A lot of creepy inappropriate stuff happened while I was at high school in the 00s, and the fact that no one did anything about the maths teacher very obviously accepting the attentions of a teenage girl 100% affected my perception of what was and wasn’t serious enough for someone to act. I’d never considered that before.

        It happened before the maths teacher situation, but I’m still astounded that none of the girls in the entire class said anything when the substitute teacher taking our PE class made us line up and have our photos taken. I hope children nowadays have a better sense of where the line is, and the courage to object when it’s crossed.

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    5. Observer*

      In fact, if he thought you fancied him, his behaviour is, if anything, even more reprehensible because an adult has the responsibility not to take advantage of teen crushes.

      Exactly!

      In fact, *IF* he thought you had a crush on him while you were in HS, he should have actually spoken to your parents and probably stopped mentoring you. Not that I think that he did think that. It’s just that under *no* circumstances was his behavior acceptable, *even* if you have “encouraged” him. This is 100% on him.

      Reply ↓
  13. Caroline*

    I absolutely love how you answer the most difficult questions imaginable and are always spot-on. I think, sadly, almost every woman can relate to this situation in some way, and it’s wildly jarring and confusing to know what to do and how to feel – thank you for validating and I think your solution sounds ideal.
    I have to say that I am a little curious… I wonder if any of his three text messages to her following Jan 2021 were absolute ownership of his inappropriateness and recognition of the relationship he had irrevocably destroyed – not that it changes anything, but at the very least I would hope that situation was a turning point for him. (Also fishy… as the wife of Bob, I would like to think some red flags would have appeared – that is if she even knew what he was doing.)

    Reply ↓
    1. MsM*

      I think the fact there were three of them is proof enough of him not owning the consequences of his behavior. Someone who actually cared about OP’s feelings would have gotten the message from the lack of response to the first.

      Reply ↓
      1. Ditto*

        Exactly. I don’t see a motivation for LW to withhold that kind of information from the letter if Bob had indeed apologized in one of the texts (not that I think LW is being dishonest at all!).

        And Bob should’ve realized from the get-go that even bringing that up to a former student would’ve been inappropriate, even when she was already a young adult.

        Like, what exactly was the *point* of that proposition? “Embarrassed?” Bob, my guy, you knew *exactly* what you were doing. Don’t try to make yourself look like an innocent teen boy with a crush. You wanted LW to accept it or feel responsible for your one-sided feelings (blech). No woman your own age would’ve tolerated that, and you know it.

        Reply ↓
    2. Ditto*

      “(Also fishy… as the wife of Bob, I would like to think some red flags would have appeared – that is if she even knew what he was doing.)”

      My condolences. Sorry you had to go through that. :(

      Reply ↓
    3. Observer*

      (Also fishy… as the wife of Bob, I would like to think some red flags would have appeared)

      Nope, to the nth degree! Please lets not put the onus and blame on *any* of the victims here. Yes, it sometimes happens that a wife is aware and enables this stuff. But by and large, that’s just not the case.

      And even if a predator has not actually directly abused his wife, by and large their wives are victims.

      Reply ↓
    4. AnonSurvivor*

      I sincerely doubt that any of Bob’s text messages to the girl he groomed, solicited multiple times and tried to reestablish contact with after she cut him off were sincere apologies. If any of them were apologies, I still encourage LW to block this creep out of her life in every single way possible. (In the general sense, I believe that people who understand the depths of the harm they caused and make reparation deserve a second chance. I *do not* believe they deserve a second chance to hurt the same people they harmed the first time.)

      I have no idea what Bob’s wife has to do with this. Presumably she does not know that her husband is using his volunteer mentoring time to target and groom very young women, and there probably aren’t as many signs of this as a traditional affair (since he is, in fact, volunteer mentoring when he says he is). Unless the wife is a past victim of his grooming, which is also possible.

      Reply ↓
    5. Rainy*

      I expect that his text messages were either attempts to get back in regular contact or him telling her that he’d left his wife.

      Reply ↓
  14. Trudy's Blue Summer's Dress*

    So sorry you had to deal with this.. It’s so common to miss those things at the time and second guess in hindsight (like Dead Poet’s Society – that ended horribly!)

    Reply ↓
  15. LadyAmalthea*

    He was a creep,and autism or not, no 14 year old should have to worry about the advances of an authority figure who should be safe.

    From your descriptions, you behaved impeccably, but even if you hadn’t, the yucky behaviour scale is decidedly on his side.

    I am very sorry you had to deal with this and reporting thos would be a good idea, but don’t feel guilty if you don’t.

    Reply ↓
  16. Insulindian Phasmid*

    Just to encourage you, you are not taking resources away from “real” victims if you call for help and advice and a sounding board. I had a nice long chat with one of those services (I genuinely can’t remember which) when I was working through how weird I felt about being OKAY with something that happened to me when I was young. I know it was wrong and predatory but at the time I thought nothing of it, so I was trying to come to terms with having gone through something traumatic and not feeling traumatized. They were super nice and validating and assured me that this is also what they are here for and you are absolutely entitled to ask for their help.

    Reply ↓
  17. Higher-ed Jessica*

    100% to everything Alison said. LW, this was NOT your fault, you did NOTHING wrong, and let me point out that you were not like Marvin. Okay, maybe you were like Marvin in being a smart, nerdy, awkward teenager, but you were the opposite of Marvin in that you did not have a crush on Bob! You did not make inappropriate advances to Bob! You did not secretly buy Bob jewelry!

    Bob is a sleazoid scumbag creep, and reading your letter made me feel very stabby toward him. He knew better. He betrayed a position of trust. I’m sorry you had to go through this creepiness, and I’m also sorry for your loss of the supportive, trusted mentor you thought you had, and for the rotten time you are having looking back over the years and having to reevaluate everything. :-( This didn’t just happen, Bob was a grown-ass responsible adult, and he CHOSE to ruin things.

    Something to consider when you think about reporting: I think we tend to think just about our own case and how strong it is, as if we were going to a court of law: do I have proof? am I a sympathetic witness? is there documentary evidence? would my argument convince a jury? And sometimes that kind of thinking leads us to hang back and not do it. But a thing to bear in mind is that predators usually are multiple offenders and they don’t stop. You were almost certainly not the only vulnerable, clueless young girl Bob has ever creeped on. Maybe your one data point is a “he said/she said,” but the organization that connected you is in a position to accumulate these reports–and indeed you have no way to know that you’re the first to report. Your testimony doesn’t have to be the one perfect thing that magically meets every impossible standard and manages to bring Bob down. It’s just one piece of the puzzle–in solidarity with other victims, even if you’ll never know each other–so that when the organization puts enough of the pieces together, they can see the true picture.

    Reply ↓
    1. gmezzy*

      This answer is so great. “Feel very stabby” is just about right on the money for how I felt, too. Plus, I laughed, and that’s always good medicine for things like this.

      And I also want to second what you said about reporting. You as an individual don’t have to make a solid case in order to have an impact. In fact, you could just take the link from this post and send it to the organization and leave it at that. You would not be obligated to have any further involvement unless you wanted to.

      LW: I can’t speak to what the organization you’re talking about would do, but for your awareness of what this might look like, I’m on a school board now and am currently in the process of investigating some misconduct by a faculty member who we’ll call J. Nothing J has done seems to have crossed a hard line, but I’m looking at the pattern of behavior across many relationships that J holds in our school to understand if they’ll be allowed to continue on on a leadership role. There’s no one story/person/issue that’s at the center of this – it’s about seeing a pattern of behavior.

      Your story, should you choose to share it with them, would hopefully be considered in this same light: as part of the bigger puzzle, like Higher-ed Jessica said.

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. I, too, feel stabby towards this person. I can’t tell you how many times something like this has happened to me. It’s NOT on you.

      Reply ↓
  18. Madtown Maven*

    This is one (of many) situations where being autistic could be seen as a gift: taking Bob’s words at face value likely saved OP more serious harm.

    Reply ↓
    2. Hoo boy*

      Thank heavens for that midterm! It’s horrible to think about and should never have been this way, but imagine if there was no midterm.

      Reply ↓
  19. small canadian*

    I never comment here but I really needed to add my voice to the chorus—OP, you did nothing wrong, and his behaviour is not in any way your fault. I have also experienced the turmoil of questioning everything in light of a terrible new realization. It’s only natural. You were navigating the situation earnestly and in good faith, and you’ve now realized that he was not doing that; I’d question my read of a situation too if everything changes like that. I’m really sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can find support and healing.

    Reply ↓
  20. Full of Beans*

    LW, I experienced a very similar situation and it took me decades and a LOT of therapy to really believe that it wasn’t my fault or that I wasn’t having too big of a reaction to it. Please know that everything you are feeling is completely valid and you deserve support.

    Reply ↓
  21. Lacey*

    This isn’t your fault in any way, OP.

    I’ve known several groomers in my life. I thought they were all really nice guys, right up until I found out they’d been abusing children.

    They know how to seem innocent. They know how to make people doubt themselves.
    Not just their victims, but entire communities.

    People like Bob, who have been doing it a long time, they’re quite good at it.
    They position themselves so they have more access to potential victims.
    And they’re willing to play the long game. Establish themselves, gain trust, push boundaries slowly.

    Bob may not be interested in teenagers sexually, but he certainly is interested in much younger women who view him as an authority figure and he’s using STEM club to feed that.

    Now. It’s up to you whether you want to report Bob.
    For some people it’s empowering, other people end up regretting it bc their community defended the abuser instead of them.

    But. You should be prepared for the school club to not care.

    I have some recent experience alerting an organization that they were endangering children by letting a convicted child molester interact with them.
    They already knew and didn’t see the problem.

    It is like that, a lot of the time.
    I always think it’s worth it, to create a paper trail of complaints.
    But I’m not a victim myself, so I don’t think it’s as emotionally draining for me to do it.
    Only you know if you’re up for reporting him and hearing that they don’t even care.

    Reply ↓
    1. Irish Teacher.*

      Yes, when I was in my 20s I was a member of a message board that had a couple of us in our 20s and a number of teenagers. One of the teenagers who I have remained friends with on facebook recently divulged that one of the other women my age had groomed her. I had known both of these people well and had seen a certain amount of their relationship.

      It all passed pretty similarly in some ways to the relationship the LW describes, except online rather than in person and older woman was in her 20s rather than in her 40s. They became friends when the girl was about 12-14 and the woman was in her early 20s and started a relationship when the younger person was a year or two out of college and around 23/24.

      Even hearing of that, as an adult, while it seemed a bit strange to me, I didn’t recognise it as grooming because I felt I knew them both and thought the older woman a decent person who wouldn’t do that. Looking back, I can also see that when she told me about the relationship, she very much used the fact of it being a same-sex relationship in a way that made me feel I couldn’t raise concerns without making her feel I was judging her for being bisexual. She kind of told me like “I’m a bit nervous about telling you this because I’ve never mentioned being anything but straight and while I know you wouldn’t judge me for being gay, I live in a pretty homophobic community and I’m a bit concerned you’ll be freaked out by that or by the age gap.”

      And I was an adult and a teacher, who had training in noticing these things, but it isn’t always easy when it’s someone you trust and even afterwards, I kept thinking stuff like, “was it exactly grooming? After all, she had no sexual interest in her until she was grown up” and then realising I only had the older woman’s word for that. Because I saw a certain amount of their relationship, it felt like I knew what was going on and it took a bit of thinking for me to realise there was a lot I didn’t see and that what I was told….might not be the full story or even necessarily true.

      LW, you spent a lot of years seeing this guy as a mentor. Of course you would have read his behaviour in that context rather than thinking he had another agenda.

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      1. Franklin J. Alnwick*

        She probably also exploited the benefit of the doubt; people would have been much more likely to smell a rat had it been an older man and younger woman, or two men.

        Reply ↓
        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Yes, I think I probably would have reacted differently if a man in his 20s was declaring a 14 year old his “best friend,” but with a woman, I kind of thought “well, she’s probably just being kind to the kid and trying to make her feel important by describing her that way.”

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    2. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      And this, I think, is why a culture of security (things like never having one adult being alone with a child, teaching children about bodily autonomy and so on) matters so much. You can’t always tell, but you can arrange things so that it doesn’t matter as much if you can’t. This is also the way intelligence orgs work; no one failure to detect a mole should ever be enough to set off a catastrophic failure.

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      1. Lacey*

        100%

        I’ve done a lot of volunteering with kids and teens.
        Often people want to balk at these precautions.
        THEY would never.

        And yeah, most of us would never.
        That’s not the point.

        The point is to not leave room for people who would.

        Reply ↓
        1. AnonSurvivor*

          I volunteered to help with childcare at a new church, which was in the middle of putting a number of these safeguards in place. I was startled when they said they were going to do a background check on me (which hadn’t been mentioned before). I had the brief thought, “But don’t you trust me?”

          Five seconds later I got angry, because they’d let their process get so backed up that I’d already been watching the kids for a month without a background check! Like, “How dare you have trusted me?”

          Reply ↓
          1. Lacey*

            Yes, 100%. When I was young and started volunteering with teens, I felt a little stung. Like, “You KNOW me though!”

            But of course that kind of thinking is how predators get through.
            And in fact, someone who volunteered in another program turned out to be a predator. Who we all knew. Who we all thought was safe.

            Of course, he didn’t have record, yet.

            Reply ↓
        2. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

          And frankly, if you do balk at them as someone who would never – you’re very foolish. Because children and adolescents make bad decisions (see Marvin) and it’s always in your best interest to have had a second pair of eyes watching.

          Reply ↓
  22. Dandy Lion*

    LW, You are not alone. Reach out and talk to someone to help processes this. This is an awful thing that happened and unfortunately something that thrives in secrecy. And it takes a while to recover from. I still reel from the revelation that a trusted high school teacher had done something much similar to girls before I attended his class. Its violating even if nothing physically happened because it is a HUGE betrayal of trust. I hope you can find healing.

    Reply ↓
  23. Perhaps*

    My partner volunteers at an organization which sounds very similar. He laments that the volunteer training doesn’t focus on best practices, which include avoiding any situations where a single student is alone with a single adult. So, no giving a student a ride, no staying at the school alone because they need a pick up. Barring an emergency medical situations, you should have multiple people always, even if that means volunteers need to end up staying later. Although the first few years of volunteering he wasn’t aware of these principles, now his local branch makes following these rules a priority.

    If you wanted to reach out to the organization, implementing these sorts of best practices is a reasonable thing to ask for.

    Reply ↓
  24. lou*

    OP, you’ve already received a lot of good advice and validation here, but as another late-diagnosed autistic (33 in my case; I’m now 37) I just want to say that I completely understand. I haven’t been in this exact position but I have absolutely been in situations where I realised after the fact that I had completely misinterpreted someone’s words/actions. It made me feel hurt and stupid and humiliated, and that is deeply unfair. This is not on you, it’s on Bob being a tool.

    You can report Bob to the organisation if you decide that that is right for you, but you are absolutely not obligated. You are also allowed to access any and all resources from an org like RAINN because you are dealing with a distressing thing that happened; there is no minimum trauma threshold. Good luck.

    Reply ↓
  25. Dr.OO7*

    I wonder if these guys all read from same book, because the professor who sexually harassed me (my 2nd #MeToo) story followed a very similar pattern. Luckily for me, he was very condescending and obnoxious with his attempts at “mentoring” me, so I was put off from the get-go rather than being drawn in.
    Don’t fault yourself for not realizing his ill intentions or reporting him. These guys have an uncanny ability to make you second-guess yourself, especially if they’re not blatant–my teacher never explicitly demanded that I sleep with him in order to get a good grade, so all I could have ever really complained about was that he kept offering me unsolicited advice about my personal life.

    Reply ↓
  26. Jigglypuff*

    LW, I am an assault survivor: please do contact RAINN. That’s what they’re here for, and they will be honored to help you think through this and offer you resources. Even if you weren’t physically assaulted, what happened to you was still wrong, and it still matters.

    And in case no one has told you this yet, I will: It was not your fault. Not a single bit of it.

    And please, please do contact the organization where he’s volunteering. It would be good to put this on their radar.

    Take gentle care of yourself, and thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply ↓
  27. AVP*

    Hi, I run the marketing for a chapter of an organization very much like this one, so let me add to the chorus: PLEASE contact the org and let them know. Even if he’s the chair of the board, we’d want to know and to do something about a volunteer like this.

    And would be very concerned with making sure you, the student, was okay. Even if it happened 40 years ago we’d want to know and see if there was something that could be done!

    I’m so sorry this happened to you.

    Reply ↓
  28. Generic Name*

    You did NOTHING wrong. Autism or not, you were a child, and children should not be expected to fend off sexual advances from adults. Not only did Bob fail you, the organization failed you. If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to RAINN, you could always talk to a therapist to help you process what happened to you. You were a victim, and it’s not your fault.

    Reply ↓
    1. Observer*

      children should not be expected to fend off sexual advances from adults

      So much this!

      It’s amazing, and not in a good way, that anyone would think to question the *child’s* behavior in a scenario like this. Yet, we know it happens. So, LW, please just keep this in mind when anyone (including your own devils) tries to “just ask” what you did wrong here. Because the answer to that is “nothing”.

      Reply ↓
    1. AnonSurvivor*

      At the height of #MeToo, I decided to take the rest of my tattered faith and put it in my dad and Mr Rogers. I really need those two men to be good, decent people; I’ve stopped being surprised by allegations against other men.

      One of my favorite directors is scum? One of my favorite actors? One of my favorite authors as well? At least I’ve got my dad and Mr. Rogers.

      (If Mr Rogers falls through, my godfather is my backup plan.)

      Reply ↓
  30. Remy*

    I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. None of it is your fault, and you did nothing to encourage his predatory behavior. Not only was he an adult, he was an adult in authority. He had an extra responsibility to be careful and respectful in his behavior to you. This is on him.

    Please do reach out to RAINN. He didn’t physically assault you, but he violated you. You deserve support to work through that.

    Also, you being autistic has nothing to do with what he did. I know autistic folks often miss social cues and body language cues, but that doesn’t come into play here. He was an adult man mentoring you when you were a child. You trusted him and didn’t expect him to make it sexual (a reasonable expectation). It was entirely on him to not take it down that road.

    Again, OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish you well, and I hope you can get the support you need. None of it is your fault, and it’s so unfair you’re the one who has to deal with the emotional fallout.

    Reply ↓
    1. Andrew*

      Agreed, this was definitely abusive behavior on Bob’s part and the fact that LW managed to derail it before it became physical sexual exploitation doesn’t change that. This has none of the ambiguity of the OTHER other recent “grooming” story, Bob is 100% a pedophile (or at least ephebophile) sleaze-bag groomer. (Would love a clarifying update on the one I’m thinking of, March 19 short answers!)

      Reply ↓
  31. Which_Sister*

    Your autism is not the reason this happened. Or you were “clueless.” I am definitely not autistic, but when I was younger stuff like this happened alot. I was a “pretty girl” and nice and friendly. And I assumed everyone approached the world like I did and people could be friendly without it becoming a thing.

    I was wrong.

    Fortunately, I never found myself in a situation I couldn’t get out of, but some of them were pretty damn scary. Every woman has a story where she just “loaned him a pen” and the next thing you know he is leaving roses and cards on your car windshield. Then you spend months seconding guessing if loaning him a pen was leading him on.

    Reply ↓
    1. Andrew*

      Some men will hit on anything vaguely feminine, apparently (“with a pulse” preferable but not mandatory, as vampiresses, gynoids, and an occasional AI assistant can attest… yes, that last one IS a nod to the scheduling bot story!). It’s disgusting, and it’s 100% on them. Front-line restaurant and retail employees seem to be favorite victims, but nobody’s immune that’s not just as toxically masculine as the perpetrators.

      Reply ↓
  32. Ewewewewewwww*

    “That was when Bob nervously confessed to me, ‘I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but I’m attracted to you.’ ”

    LW, perhaps you’ve realized this already in the years of becoming an adult, but even if Bob was saying this to another adult, this is just cringe.

    What is it with him just throwing his unrequited feelings on you like that? An adult (at least a mature one) would just ask someone out on a date with the knowledge that the other person might decline, and the asker would deal with whatever feelings they had about that. This sort of thing makes it way weirder in my opinion, where the receiver is suddenly made responsible for the romantic or sexual feelings of the giver.

    The fact that he was an adult who said this to someone much younger whom he had known since she was a *child* makes it a million times worse and puts him undeniably into gross territory.

    So no, LW, it’s not your fault, and you aren’t overreacting.

    Reply ↓
    1. Emily Byrd Starr*

      Hmm. If this were two adults who had been hanging out for years, and one of them suddenly developed feelings for each other, how would they let the other one know? Asking them out on a date would probably just be misinterpreted as a request to hang out like they had done a hundred times before.
      What Bob did was extremely inappropriate, there’s no doubt about that. However, as someone who is also neurodivergent, I’m genuinely curious what would be considered appropriate if they had been two unmarried adults who were the same age.

      Reply ↓
      1. Lemons*

        They just need to make it clear it’s a date when they ask. “Hey, would you like to go on a date with me sometime?” The asker needs to be prepared to meet a ‘no’ with an honest “all good, I love being friends with you so let’s just do that.”

        If the asker can’t do that, or is weird and sulky after the rejection, or keeps asking, they need to evaluate their true intentions in the friendship. This is what people who complain about the friendzone do, they start a friendship under false pretenses and then get mad when the other person wants to maintain the relationship as-is.

        One time I had a friend invite me to the movies per usual and it turned out to be a surprise date. This is such weird behavior!! He did it to other people too. Just be brave and ask someone out y’all.

        Reply ↓
      2. Ellis Bell*

        As someone who’s navigated my share of creeps, I get where Ewewewewewwww is coming from; it’s about weighting the request as emotionally fraught to make rejection less likely, rather than a light hearted suggestion that’s no pressure and easy to say no to. It’s true that when you’ve been hanging out and having dinner for a long time you might need to say something more explicit than “how about another dinner Friday”, but you would say it more as “Have you ever considered us going on a real date rather than hanging out as friends? I like our friendship as it is, but wondered if we should try it”. Allowing someone to opt in to a romantic relationship, but making them feel equally free to opt out, still wouldn’t be appropriate for OP’s situation, due to their adult mentor of child origin story, obviously. However given that he’s been grooming her for years, its not surprising that he told her how ’embarrassed’ he was to bring it up, so she could reassure and soothe him. Yeah, so embarrassed that he brought it up multiple times.

        Reply ↓
        1. SansaStark*

          I agree – it’s something about how Bob was centering his own “comfort” in this situation rather than hers. If it was genuinely interest in this now grown-up adult, giving her an breezy opt-out request would be keeping her comfort in mind. This blurting out his “embarrassed feelings” is all about him unburdening himself and finding out anything about her feelings for him.

          Reply ↓
          1. SansaStark*

            My kingdom for an edit button – This blurting out his “embarrassed feelings” is all about him unburdening himself and NOT finding out anything about her feelings for him.

            Reply ↓
  33. Andrww*

    Okay, unlike the one about a month ago (where there were third-hand allegations and no details, in a context where agenda-driven misinformation couldn’t be discounted… would love a clarifying update there!)… THIS. IS. DEFINITELY. GROOMING! What a sleaze!

    As Alison and the others have said, even if no actual sex occurred, there was clear enough intent that you were definitely an abuse victim. Don’t downplay what happened to you just because you were lucky enough to stop it early and avoid it turning physical!

    Reply ↓
  34. Ellis Bell*

    OP you might be wondering what kinds of information the organisation needs to know about your situation, and whether or not you need to ‘prove’ what happened, or if it’s bad/illegal enough to bother saying anything. So, assuming they are well trained in child protection, well, they want to know anything and everything. Even when the piece of information is very small and unimportant, even when it’s not really actionable, it’s always better to know about it than not. Most safeguarding leads only have one pair of eyes, so they encourage everyone linked to the organisation to report anything and everything that causes even the slightest concern; they use these tiny nuggets of information like jigsaw pieces to know where best to direct their scrutiny, to shape how they train people and how policies are formed. Most predators are very careful and only show incredibly small, deniable signs to different people; it’s not always possible for one person to have the whole picture. What you have to say is actually a nearly complete picture and is all very relevant, but it’s up to you if you want to say it or not. If you’re not up for it, I’m quite sure there’s lots of other people who are probably able to say very similar things. The things that are most relevant about your experience are: 1) an adult was able to get social and personal access to a young person, including their phone number. It’s not clear whether he had your phone number and was communicating with you off-campus when you were in high school, but if I was safeguarding in their organisation I’d probably have a policy that they can’t ever ask for student’s personal details or use their own unmonitored devices with people who they mentored in high school. Work devices and traceable messaging only. 2) Obviously the fact that he’s used his mentee network to actually proposition and creep on a former student is beyond gross and would be of interest to any safeguarding lead with half a brain, but none of it could have happened without number 1 being allowed to happen first. There was never any responsibility on your part to read his intentions or gauge whether the communications were appropriate; there should have been trained eyes on the situation from the get go; eyes with similar information about his interactions with other students. They have somehow allowed him to have complete access to you without any oversight whatsoever. If you want to highlight that, you’re on solid ground.

    Reply ↓
  35. RagingADHD*

    LW, you didn’t “encourage” him by being oblivious to his propositions. That was a very, very wholesome force field that protected you from being manipulated until you were old enough to cope with the situation better.

    As gross and betrayed as you feel now, I can only imagine how deeply that realization could have tainted your experience with the club, or damaged your self-esteem at age 14 or 19. Some people wind up leaving activities or careers they love because they can’t be at peace with it anymore. Or that you might have fallen for it and wound up even more hurt!

    I’m so glad you came through that experience and can confront it now, with the inner resources of a full adult.

    Reply ↓
  36. Lemons*

    Don’t second-guess yourself. Yes, you missed some things, but you missed them because you were assuming his intentions (good) based on the relationship you had (professional). Yes, he did behave in a manner that was different than his true intentions, but that only reflects badly on him, not you. You can’t spend your life second-guessing what people’s hidden intentions may be, and most people don’t have hidden intentions.

    Reply ↓
  37. DramaQ*

    You are not at fault OP.

    Bob is gross. Even though you met the legal requirements for being an “adult” at the time he hit on you it is quite likely he was eyeing you up at 14 but was smart enough not to try anything. He was indeed playing a long con with you.

    Even if he magically developed feelings for you in that moment it doesn’t matter. He was still in a position where you considered him an authority figure (mentor). The relationship was imbalanced regardless of your age and he never should have approached you.

    That’s not even getting into the fact he was hitting on you while he was married! Ignore all the signs of grooming and he’s STILL a sleaze bag. He knows you know he is married and he STILL hit on you thinking it was worth a shot.

    There are more red flags here than in all of China.

    I would say yes report him if he is still working for that volunteer group. It may come to nothing you cannot control what people do with the information but it could also lead to them watching him more closely, digging into things, dismissing him from the program which would all be good things for the kids involved in the program.

    It’s also fine to decide that it has been long enough and you aren’t comfortable reporting him. We sadly still live in a world where we tend to blame the victim and do so in horrific fashion. I can fully understand not wanting to put yourself in the position of having to report a former mentor.

    Definitely call the hotline. You were violated even if it wasn’t physical (thank God!). He inserted himself into your life and then betrayed your trust in a horrible fashion. You are doing what ever victim does and trying to find the logic in what happened and as especially women have been conditioned to “take ownership” of your part in the situation.

    You need professionals to walk you through your thoughts which are all totally normal. They can help you process and heal from it. They can also offer guidance and suggestions about reporting him.

    Reply ↓
  38. Elizabeth West*

    OP, you did NOTHING wrong. NOTHING. Bob did.

    The high school mentoring may have been totally innocent, but I get why you’re questioning it. Yes, you were an adult at college, but as Alison said, ugh. It’s not appropriate for a (married!) 40-something man to hit on a college-aged person whom he mentored from CHILDHOOD. He crossed boundaries that I’m sure he knew should not be crossed — e.g., being married (!) and hitting on someone much younger, ew ew ew ewwwww. He should have kept those feelings/fantasies/inclinations strictly to himself.

    Bob is gross.

    Reply ↓
    1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      It’s very hard for me to see how the high school part could have been innocently intended either, frankly.
      This whole thread’s been an eye opener. Not about how prevalent harassment is; I already knew that. But about how persistent power dynamics can be for years and years afterwards, and how that changes what is and is not acceptable. I’ve not worked with youth since I became an adult, so I never thought about it.

      Reply ↓
  39. Observer*

    Did I unknowingly encourage it all because of my autism? Should I have seen the signs either way?

    The answer to that is an emphatic NO!

    I am so sad that you are questioning yourself so much and doubting that what he did was bad “enough” to deserve help. The fact that he did not do anything specifically illegal is the *barest* minimum one can expect from people, not the ceiling for when people need help or abuse.

    I am also *so* mad we, as a society, still seem to put the onus on victims – on children! – for the behavior of their abusers. The idea that you should have understood what he was after and shut it down is ridiculous to start with, for the reasons Alison points out. The idea that since you did not explicitly shut him down you could be responsible for what happens is even more absurd. Because by your description, there is simply nothing there that a reasonable person could have taken as “encouragement”.

    If you have a therapist, please *do* talk to them about this. Not just about what happened, but why you feel the need to minimize it to the point that it’s not even something worthy of bringing to your therapist and worry about the repercussions to that creep.

    Reply ↓
  40. Butterfly Counter*

    This is reminding me of the scene in A Catcher in the Rye where Holden, in obvious distress and without any adult family or friends to turn to, goes to a teacher he liked for a place to stay for a while and catch his breath. Then, he wakes up to the teacher caressing his hair as he sleeps on the couch. He nopes the heck out of there and is once again on his own. As a reader, I wanted so bad for the caress to just be innocent so that Holden can find a little stability, but I also couldn’t fault Holden for following his instincts.

    The only difference here is that Holden immediately picked up on the creepy vibes and OP didn’t. Either way, it sucks that an adult who was supposed to be helping was actually hurting young people. Even if we read the best intentions into Holden’s (and OP’s) mentor, what they did was still 100% wrong and harmful. An adult in authority cannot even approach the line of impropriety with a child. Adults do know better and anyone who crosses the line is expecting the benefit of the doubt from other adults who couldn’t conceive of nearing that line. It’s unfair. But society is changing and young people are talking about this, which is a good thing.

    OP needs to do whatever she feels is best. She was the victim. The burden is not on her to do anything but try to heal.

    Reply ↓
  41. Chris D*

    You are almost certainly not the only victim. Predators like this do not have random, out-of-the-blue, kismet-type attractions to one particular underage person (his comment about being embarrassed to admit his attraction was likely a manipulative way to make it sound like this). Rather, they will exploit anyone they can take advantage of. And the fact that he thinks he “got away” with it in your case may have emboldened him to try with others in the future.

    None of this obliges you to report him – as others have said you have every right to move on and not to spend one more minute thinking about this lowlife. That said, to pick up on one point not addressed by other comments: contrary to what you believe, the amount of time passed actually makes your report even more credible. This is because: 1) you’re assessing the events as an older adult, so there’s less concern around clouded judgment; 2) it’s common for people to spend a lot of time reflecting, so this absolutely fits the pattern; and 3) it is inconceivable that someone would report after this much time purely out of spite or malice. Also, no responsible organisation would expect you to have any communication or interaction with the person you are accusing, even by proxy; so you would have no involvement in any “he said/she said”.

    Reply ↓
  42. Emily Byrd Starr*

    Just chiming in here to add to the many who said they are sorry this happened to you and that it wasn’t your fault. I hope you get the help you need.

    Reply ↓
  43. Dark Macadamia*

    LW, even if you had been actively and intentionally pursuing a relationship with him at 14 it would still not be your fault because you were a CHILD. It’s his literal job as an adult working with children and his moral job as a human to have appropriate boundaries, and if he can’t handle that he should not be putting himself in a position to interact with children at all.

    You did nothing wrong and you should make the choice that’s right for you. You weren’t responsible for his behavior then and you still aren’t now.

    Reply ↓
  44. not really me (anon, obviously)*

    I’m a dad and spent 5 years as a parent coach for First LEGO League (FLL) for Girl Scouts. I worked weekly with 4-7 girls in the 5th-8th grades (ages 10-14). I would defend any of those girls as if they were my own (and my own was on the team for several years too).

    Between Girl Scouts, FLL volunteer and Catholic church training for working with youth, I made sure I was extra aware of how my interactions with the girls might reflect on me and the organizations. We had fun, but always as a group – I made sure I was never alone with any of them, and there was always another parent nearby (also GS rules). I was even cautious about simple hugs, because I didn’t want anything to even *appear* inappropriate. These girls are now amazing young women, and most graduate High School this year. I still have a good relationship with them and their moms, and I’m proud of what they’ve accomplished. I would never even *dream* of doing anything like Bob – it’s not appropriate. I believe that it’s possible that his feelings didn’t develop until the LW was an adult, but the nature of their prior relationship made his confession a very poor decision. I do not want to ever have the girls I worked with look back and wonder if I was harboring inappropriate feelings when they were girls. I have too much respect for them.

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  45. C*

    LW, you were a child for most of this time, and a young adult for the end of it. None of this is on you! Even if you’d been trying to “encourage him”, people with good intentions do not respond to that sort of advance with… all of what he did.

    Reply ↓
  46. MicroManagered*

    OP I hope you will use Allison’s script to inform the organization. You do not owe Bob your silence.

    Reply ↓
  47. Broccoli Soup*

    Not your fault, OP, not your fault!

    You don’t have to read the rest of this comment, I think I just needed to get my own story out of my head before I could move on today.

    Something similar happened to me in college. I (young, sheltered woman) joined a musical group at my aunt’s church, and an older guy (60’s, easily) befriended me. He’d drive me back to the dorm so I wouldn’t have to walk (it wasn’t far, nor dangerous). And at some point he invited me out to dessert, and it was very pleasant! He had all kinds of fascinating life stories.

    I’m sure I mentioned it to my aunt in an oblivious off hand sort of way, because the next time I saw him, he said “I’ll drive you home! Just don’t let your aunt know, she would be mad.”

    She hadn’t said anything to me (why the fuck not I have no idea), and at that point I was still so woefully naive that I didn’t know how to absorb that information and politely but firmly hold boundaries after that. After all, we were both still in the musical group. I just kinda made excuses not to be physically alone with him.

    But that didn’t stop him from calling me! As polite and accommodating that I was, I kept answering and having long conversations. For months! Because he was “so lonely” and stuck in the house taking care of his sick mother, I just felt so bad for him.

    Those calls stopped when I moved across the country after I graduated, and moved in with a cousin. Cousin got wind of what was going on, and explained in clear language that the guy was a creep and a predator and I was NOT to answer the phone when he called anymore, unless it was to say “stop calling”. Or, better yet, if he called while cousin was around, hand off the phone and cousin would tell them to fuck off. That finally got it through my thick, sheltered skull that I had been in danger, and was lucky to have been spared real trauma and assault.

    If I had reason to believe the creep was still in a position of authority or mentorship of other teens, I think Alison’s script would absolutely be appropriate to use.

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  48. Samwise*

    “like being friends with Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society.”

    I enjoyed this movie, once I told myself to stop commenting on how inappropriate the teacher’s behavior was.

    Reply ↓
  49. Kittykate*

    Something that sounds very similar to this happened between me and a trusted mentor. He similarly did things that I discounted at the time, but in retrospect (after his confession of “love”) made me think I should have seen it coming. I spoke with a a friend who has experience in sexual assault cases, and she used the word “grooming” to describe what happened to me. I don’t want to diagnose/prescribe how you interpret what happened, but it really helped me to look at some of the literature on grooming to make sense of my own feelings about what happened. Like you, I never told anyone (not even my therapist) until years later. I’m in higher Ed, and I also really appreciated the article “How to Detect and Dodge a Predatory Professor” by Aisha S Ahmad (Chrinicle of Higher Ed), also because it helped me identify various things that my mentor did and put them into a context.

    This is not your fault – if you identify with the idea of “grooming” here, then the whole point of his actions is to toe the line and slowly push your boundaries until you don’t know whether or not what he did was “OK.”

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  50. StarTrek Nutcase*

    Just wanted to note that even girls and women without autism can react as you did to guys like Bob. I was a very shy girl who as a teen had limited (mostly by choice) interactions with others my age or slightly older, and only comfortable with decades older adults. This lead me to being pretty oblivious to “signs” even through my 20s. And, despite being definitely attracted only to males, if I did catch onto a sign, I was uncomfortable and uncertain how to respond. I guess I’m saying it doesn’t matter “why” we didn’t see red flags, only that once we recognize our blindness we do whatever necessary to wake up. I’m grateful that OP and I were both fortunate that the red flags didn’t escalate physically.

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  51. Veryanon*

    When I was in college, I had an internship where an older, married man took an interest in what I thought were my career goals. He never did or said anything overtly sexual, but just seemed like this nice older guy who was interested in mentoring me. He was married! It truly never occurred to me that what he was doing was wrong. He’d take me to lunch sometimes and was never inappropriate…until he was. That’s how dudes like LW’s mentor operate. They take advantage of their access to young, inexperienced girls who see them as a father figure or mentor.
    LW, I’m sorry that happened to you. :(

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  52. Anon Autie Auntie*

    LW, it sounds like you want to report him but worry you won’t be taken seriously. I agree with AAM that what happened to you is serious enough to report, so don’t doubt the gravity of what he did to you.

    That aside, as an autie who realized it much later in life and has been looking back on all the times others recognized it and used it to prey upon me… I have to chuckle darkly at the idea of this old dude’s disappointment at traveling all that way for a hook up and then the autie he was preying on didn’t even realize he was making a pass. The duality of our experience is that we’re targeted as prey but then sometimes effortlessly sidestep when they go in for the kill because we miss the social cues and take things literally.

    Good luck LW. We’re rooting for you.

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    1. Veryanon*

      That last sentence is the story of my life in a nutshell, as someone who also wasn’t diagnosed as being on the spectrum until later in life. I know now that I can’t trust others to have good intentions, but unfortunately had to learn it the hard way.

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  53. iglwif*

    OP, this is like 1000% not your fault at all, in any way.

    I am also neurodivergent and can be clueless in this specific way, and I suspect it’s actually served me well a few times that I simply don’t pick up what creepy dudes are putting down. But the fact of not ending up getting physically preyed upon doesn’t negate the very real predatoriness of the attempt!

    Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide to do.

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  54. OCR*

    LW, none of this is your fault. Bob is a predator even though his active pursuit of you was when you were an adult. Even if you had only known him in your adult years, that incident where the offered to bring you to his motel when it was getting late is just GROSS. No man with good intentions towards a woman offers up a motel or their home to a woman they are attracted to. I’m speaking from a little personal experience.

    Reply ↓
    1. OCR*

      For the motel thing, I mean for people who aren’t already in close relationships. Your relationship with him wasn’t at the point where either of you would be comfortable sharing a sleeping space.

      Reply ↓

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