Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I tell my coworker to stop scrolling on her phone in meetings?

I’m writing to ask how to handle a coworker who is constantly texting in meetings — virtual, in-person, the works. She doesn’t try to hide her phone and is often scrolling in plain view while other teammates are talking, and it’s incredibly frustrating and disrespectful. She is a mom, and I’ve worked with plenty of parents who want to be on call for their kids or with daycare and are on their phones more than I am, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s most meetings and she just appears to be clicking around on whatever sites suit her fancy. There must be a line, right?

I want to give her some feedback collegially, even a “hey, we all text in meetings sometimes but you may want to make it more subtle!” tone, but I also want to convey that it’s pretty rude to openly tune out of meetings and into her phone at will. Our “supervisor” is the de facto head of our small nonprofit and does very little team management, and doesn’t have the best relationship with this coworker, so I don’t totally trust her to deliver the feedback and we don’t have an HR department at the moment so if it’s going to come from someone, it’s likely me. Any thoughts?

If you want to give you feedback primarily because you find it rude, I wouldn’t. It’s not your place as a peer, and your manager apparently doesn’t feel strongly enough about it to say anything herself. If you wanted to frame it more as “just a heads-up, Jane won’t say anything until she’s really fed up but you’re likely to hear at some point that you’re on your phone too much in meetings,” I’d advise you differently … but that doesn’t sound like the situation.

That said, if you’re ever the one running the meeting, you would have the standing to call it out in that particular meeting — as in, “Jane, do you need a minute to handle that? I want to make sure we’re all engaged in this topic.”

Otherwise, though, you’ve got to let it go. You’re right that it’s rude if this is a small meeting. It’s just not yours to handle.

2. Coworker ices out women who reject him romantically

We have a male coworker, Kevin, who has asked out almost every woman (myself included) in our workplace. When he is rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence at work. This is makes all the women uncomfortable, and is overall just very immature and unprofessional of him.

I reported Kevin to HR and got several other women to come forward as well. HR gave him a reminder of workplace expectations, but won’t do anything more because by ignoring us, he is technically not harassing us anymore. I want him gone so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I have already seen him sitting and talking with the new female hires. Is there anything I can do to protect my unsuspecting female coworkers?

Your HR sucks. Kevin is “technically not harassing” you anymore? Harassment isn’t just unwelcome advances; it’s also penalizing people for rejecting those advances. Kevin is in the penalizing phase now, and it’s ridiculous that your HR refuses to acknowledge that. If he’s refusing to interact with you in normal, professional ways — and especially if it’s interfering with your ability to do your job — that falls under the harassment umbrella. Maybe a group of you could have a lawyer point that out to your company.

As for what you can say to new, unsuspecting colleagues, you can tell them up-front what to expect. For example: “Just a heads-up, Kevin is friendly to every female new hire, then asks them out. If he’s rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence after that. Several of us have gone to HR about it, with no change. It’s been very uncomfortable for some of us and we wish someone had warned us.” This is how women have navigated workplaces that refuse to handle creepy men for eons, and unfortunately your workplace doesn’t sound like it will be an exception.

3. Coworker’s constant sniffling is driving me mad

This is a fairly low-stakes question, but I have a migraine today and my capacity for dealing with it is extra low.

My coworker never stops sniffling. It’s constant, like every few seconds. She’s been here a little over a year, and it’s never stopped. I’ve offered her tissues, but she said she doesn’t need them. She claims it’s because it’s so cold in the office, but even now, when it’s not cold and she’s in short sleeves with an unused blanket sitting on the back of her chair, she’s sniffling every couple of seconds.

I usually put in headphones and listen to music, but there are times, like today, when it’s otherwise quiet in the office and I’d just prefer not to listen to music. I also have to answer phones, so I have to keep the music low.

I’m not sure if my annoyance with this is exacerbated by how frustrating she is in other ways, but I genuinely think this would be driving me crazy anyway.

Am I allowed to ask her to figure out a cure for her non-stop sniffling? Is that even possible? Once in the past I literally chose to take half a day off because I couldn’t deal with it, and I’m close to reaching that breaking point again today.

It’s very unlikely that she’s sniffling for the hell of it. Assume if there was an easy cure she would have already found it, and this is just a health condition (like chronic allergies) that she’s stuck dealing with.

That doesn’t really solve it for you, I realize, but it’s likely as unsolvable for her as it for you. And  sometimes reframing it in your head to assume that — instead of internally screaming “WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?” — can make it more bearable.

4. Wording when communicating expectations to an employee

Someone recently said to me that when you are communicating expectations to an employee, you should phrase it as, “Company Name needs you to…” or “Company Name expects you to…” rather than “I need you to…” or “I expect you to…” because it “softens the message.” What do you think?

That’s an extremely weird formulation and would be out of sync with the culture in most American workplaces. I also can’t see how it softens the message! It does the opposite; it makes the message sound much stiffer and more formal.

For that matter, I wouldn’t use “I expect you to” in most situations either. “We need you to,” “I need you to,” “Could you,” “Would you,” and “I’d like you to” are more typical.

5. How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love my current one?

How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love the one I have?

I work on a great team for a troubled company. I’ve been here nine years, but in the last few years we’ve had multiple layoffs and haven’t had raises and I don’t see that changing next year.

I’ve stayed this long because the job itself is good, the frozen salary is still okay for now, and my colleagues are great. But the financial writing is on the wall, and I’m thinking of trying to get ahead of trouble by finding a new job now.

None of the plausible lies are really applicable to me — I’m not seeking advancement, a different type of role, a different size team, a new industry, or anything like that. I just want to do what I do for a company that’s not going to crash and burn or lay me off in a year.

Should I just politely fib and cite some defining characteristic of the company I’m interviewing with as something I’m looking forward to? I’m a terrible liar.

It’s fine to say, “I love what I do, but the company has had some financial struggles and I’m looking for something more stable.” Then immediately follow that up with what interested you about the job you’re applying for (so it’s not just “I ned to get out” but also includes an expression of interest in the new job specifically).

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask for a hotel room far from my coworkers when traveling for a conference?

I recently completed my professional degree and licensure in my field, and have been getting a lot of support from my employer in establishing myself.

In about a year, there’s a fairly significant professional conference for the industry. Typically these conferences are held a long ways away (sometimes internationally), and so while there are always some folks from my employer attending, it’s usually a fairly limited group due to cost — someone who is presenting, leadership representatives, and always at least one or two new professionals so they can start building their professional network.

The upcoming conference is going to be fairly close to us for the first time in a couple of decades, and our leadership has said they want everyone from the office to attend, given the proximity. They’re planning to book a block of hotel rooms, pay attendance fees, and reimburse travel. I am really excited about the opportunity.

But I’m also dreading the hotel room situation. I’m a cis male multiple sexual assault survivor, and given the cultural attitudes towards men who report having been sexually assaulted, I generally don’t disclose this information. Meet me in the waking world, and you would never know anything about it. But that’s me awake — one of the ways my particular brand of PTSD manifests is night terrors. I don’t remember them when they happen, but they’re disruptive to the people around me. My family have asked me to refrain from overnight visits because of the disruptions, and partners have related how disturbing they find it to be when one happens; I’ve even had the police called by concerned neighbors while living in apartments.

Letting my coworkers in on this information is not something I particularly want to do. I’ve seen and heard how they gossip about basically everything. I frankly don’t trust them with knowing I have PTSD, let alone the causes, and it doesn’t help that there’s a push for us to become a more trauma-informed field (which I just know means someone would decide I should become an ambassador about my experiences). But I don’t know how to avoid it in this instance. Can I ask that my hotel room be located away from where the rest of my coworkers are? I’m worried about how that will be perceived, both from a team dynamic and especially as a man — I don’t want my coworkers thinking I’m hiding hookups or being standoffish, though I think I’d prefer that over discussing why they heard me screaming in the night. Will I have to explain why, if I do so? Should I just not attend the conference, knowing that it will look like I’m not engaging with our field and may cost me professionally? Are there other, better options that you can see and I’m not thinking of?

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. After the booking has been made (but at least a week in advance of the trip), call the hotel and ask to be assigned a room in a different section than the rest of the party. They should handle this for you discreetly. You don’t need to explain why; you won’t be the first person making a request like this, and they’re likely to just matter-of-factly assign you to a different area of the hotel.

When you check in, verify that they did indeed take care of it. If for some reason they didn’t, you can repeat the request at that point. You can be vague about why; just say “for privacy reasons” or similar.

2. Interviewer arrived late and seemed offended when I didn’t pause to greet her

I was in a virtual interview that was supposed to be me (the candidate) and two panel members. Only one panel member was there at first, and he told me the manager would be a few minutes late. Didn’t bother me at all, and he and I made small talk.

When the manager arrived (the two were in the same physical conference room and talking to me on a video call), I was in the middle of a story. My personal philosophy when late to meetings is I prefer to slip in unnoticed, assuming I’d be acknowledged in due time or not at all, depending on the situation. I do think it’s a case-by-case scenario though, and while I was speaking, I debated internally whether to greet her immediately or finish talking fast. My split second decision was to not draw attention to her lateness in case she was embarrassed and finished up my story as quickly as I could.

In those few seconds finishing up, I saw her face fall and she clearly looked offended. The rest of the interview, she was stiff and dismissive, and even ended the interview early as she didn’t seem interested in asking me much. I got a rejection note a few weeks later.

Of course, there could have been a bunch of reasons I didn’t make it further in the process, but I do feel like this one interaction cemented it. I was very disappointed as this was a company I had tried to get an interview with for many years and to lose my chance over one moment is frustrating. I had done tons of research on the manager and the role beforehand and was in the room for only 20 minutes, with almost half of that spent waiting for her. When we did greet her, I made sure to show my excitement at meeting her and treated her as the leader for the remaining time, but it didn’t sway her at all.

I’m wondering if I did commit a meeting faux pas? Is there a generally accepted way to handle late attendees and I messed up? I’m more than happy to stop talking and acknowledge incoming folks. How should I have handled it, both in the moment and after I noticed her seeming offended?

I do think that in an interview, when a missing panel member shows up it’s good manners to pause what you’re saying and greet them, and then say something like, “I was just telling Cedric about X.” That’s especially true when it’s the hiring manager, but it’s gracious to do that with any panel member.

That said, it would be unusual for this to be a major factor in assessing you, and if it was, that tells you something about the hiring manager.

3. Asking about camera culture in an interview

I’m currently in the process of interviewing and wondering how appropriate it would be to ask about a company’s or team’s camera expectations in meetings. I vastly prefer not having to turn on my camera during meetings (I don’t live alone, I don’t have a designated office area in my home, etc.). I do feel like this is a relevant culture question for remote workers, but I’m worried it comes off as not being a team player or that it appears standoffish.

It’s definitely a relevant question for a lot of people. It also risks coming across a little strangely if it sounds like it’s a make-or-break question for you (which is unfair, but also the reality of it). But if it is a make-or-break question for you, you definitely need to ask. I’d suggest asking it as lightly as possible; don’t have it be the first question you ask, and make it as conversational as you can. So maybe: “What’s your meeting culture like with so many people remote — are you pretty meeting-heavy, cameras-on, cameras-off, some mix of the two?” Alternately, you could say, “My current job has us on camera a lot for Zoom calls and I’ve found it can sometimes be pretty draining — what’s your remote meeting culture like?”

4. Boss wants me to figure out a back-up for my work

Last week, I asked my (new to me) manager about goals and she said to start planning SMART goals for next year. Yesterday we were discussing my upcoming vacation and she asked what my plan was, and I said that I would have to catch up on everything when I got back. She asked if I have a back-up, and I said no, I haven’t had one for three years. She asked what normally happens — again, I said I have to catch up when I get back. She then said I need to have some sort of back-up and add that as a goal for next year. I was then told to let the outside contractors know how to contact me ONLY if something cannot wait until my return.

Last year during my sabbatical, my manager (director level) was let go, and I had no choice about monitoring emails and texts.

Am I crazy for thinking it’s not within my power to designate a back-up and that my manager is the one who would have to designate who it should be, and then I train for the back-up functions?

I just want a vacation where I don’t have to have my work phone with me at all.

You might not have the authority to assign a back-up, but it sounds like your manager is asking you to think about who would be a logical choice and what the logistics of them backing you up would look like, then come to her with that proposal. That’s a good thing — she wants you to be able to take real vacations, and she’s asking for your input on a plan that allows that to happen.

There are some jobs where your manager would simply assign you a back-up. But in others, the work is nuanced enough that you’re the person best equipped to think through how back-up needs to work (and that’s particularly likely to be the case here because your boss is new to managing you).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss told me to be less harsh but I think it was a miscommunication

Yesterday, I had the rare honor of crying in front of my boss. He pulled me aside to gently ask me to rein in my big and sarcastic sense of humor because people have told him they find it dismissive. I told him that I volunteer to be the jerk with external people to protect the team’s time and sanity because we haven’t had a real team lead all year. He then said it was also coming from people on the team. I started crying because all I do is play peacemaker, and I was just baffled how to make fewer waves while everyone comes to me to solve problems from HR to facilities to project management.

I left the office after the meeting and called a friend. During our conversation, I realized the only person I had a dust up with lately is my boss’s assistant. They work in a separate building, so I think of them as both “on” and “off” my direct team.

Last week, in a meeting I strongly pushed back on deadlines they were giving one of my colleagues. He had a lot of technical work to do, and the deadline felt arbitrary. Our boss wasn’t at this meeting (he normally would’ve been), so I had to tell his assistant I would go over his head to pick the fight. He said our boss would not be happy. I said, “That’s fine, because I’m a grown-up.” What I meant is, “He can be mad at me, I’m not afraid of conflict.”

However, his assistant is 24. And I think he took my words personally like “I am a grown-up unlike you, a little kid.” That would be a very mean thing to say to someone, and I wouldn’t blame him for telling his boss I’m a jerk.

In our meeting, I asked my boss if I should make apologies and he said no, just try to be less harsh. Now that I’ve pieced this together (and think it’s a miscommunication), I want to apologize to his assistant.

The caveat being I don’t know if this interaction is what my boss really meant! Should I pass the apology through my boss and he can do what he wants? Should I do a general “sorry, I was really tough about the deadlines” conversation with his assistant? Does crying soften my big bad wolf image enough that my boss will do the damage control for me?

Even taking the potential miscommunication over “grown-up” out of it … it sounds like you might be coming across pretty aggressively in your communications with people: “I volunteer to be the jerk” … “big and sarcastic sense of humor” … “I strongly pushed back” (on a coworker’s deadlines — was it your battle to fight?) … “I would go over his head to pick the fight” … etc. That’s all a lot! You said all you do is play peacemaker, and I’m sure there’s plenty that’s not in your letter, but all of what’s here sounds like the opposite of peace-making. And to be clear, sometimes at work, the thing that’s called for is not peace-making. But this is a striking amount of adversarial framing in a short letter.

I would apologize to the assistant for what you said, because it probably did sound like you meant to imply he’s not a grown-up, and also because it sounds like you were combative with him beyond that. But more importantly, consider that you might be coming across differently than you realize or intend. Your boss called it “harsh” and that’s what it sounds like to me too — not just this one interaction, but the larger pattern. (And no, I would not assume that your boss will do damage control for you; it sounds like he’s assigning that work to you — that’s what “be less harsh” is.)

2. Our entire nonprofit is in jeopardy because an ex-employee didn’t check the mail

I run a small nonprofit. We have an ex-employee who did a lot of damage before she left a few weeks ago and I need advice.

I put J on a PIP last spring. When she did not improve, I let her know that I was not inclined to keep her on for the next year, so (last chance) time to fish or cut bait. J soon turned in her resignation.

While she was here, she had the responsibility to check one of our two mailboxes. One is for our mailing address, but she also had the key for a backup box, in case people send mail to our street address. We mostly get junk mail there, but the occasional legit mail shows up, and we check it regularly. Or so I thought.

A few weeks after J turned in the key and left, we discovered that she had not checked the mail there for five months, lying about bringing it in during that time. We found a stack of wet and mildewed mail in the box.

Among the junk were some significant pieces of mail, including checks due to us totaling $25,000+. We are trying to get those reissued. Worse, there were multiple letters from our state’s charitable registration office requesting documentation. When we did not reply, our state charitable status was revoked and we cannot legally solicit funds as a charity until we are reinstated. We have sent in the documents and are in the process of re-registering for charitable status. We don’t know if this will take weeks or months, and I have not been able to reach anyone at the registering office who can tell us. As a nonprofit relying on donations, this is potentially devastating.

We filed a case with USPS and the Office of the Inspector General with regard to obstruction/delaying the mail. They responded that since the mail was never actually stolen, and was technically in our possession the whole time, no law has been broken.

We will suffer a loss of income for certain. We are not allowed to solicit or receive donations or grants until this is resolved. State funding is impossible. I dread having to “furlough” dedicated employees, but if we don’t have income for months, we will not have the cash to make payroll. Is there anything I can do to hold this person accountable? Can a malicious, disgruntled ex-employee destroy our nonprofit like this?

Yes. This is a horrible situation, but the post office is right that no crime was committed. The mail was delivered to your organization and technically in your possession; it’s just that the person who the organization assigned to deal with it from there wasn’t doing her job.

The tough-love answer is that ultimately it’s the organization’s responsibility to have enough checks and balances in place that you’ll spot it early if someone isn’t doing a crucial part of their job. J had been on a PIP last spring so you’d known for a while that there were problems with her work; someone needed to be managing her much more closely, particularly given the potential high stakes in her area. When you’ve got someone under-performing to the point of a PIP, you’ve got to think about what else might be going wrong in their purview that you might not know about, because often there will be more, and get additional visibility into those things (usually through some combination of spot checks, data reviews, probing questions, direct observation, and extra poking around).

That doesn’t mean you deserve this! This is an awful situation. But J no longer works for you and can’t be held accountable for doing a bad job for an organization she’s no longer part of. All you can do is learn from it and strengthen your systems for the future.

3. Preschool teacher’s pronouns

This isn’t work-related for me as an employee, but as a parent/community member at my son’s preschool. It’s part of a larger organization that is ostensibly religious but doesn’t incorporate religion in any meaningful way.

I’ve known my son’s new preschool teacher from around the organization and we’ve chatted a fair bit — we have some background in common and they’re very friendly. Now that my son is in this person’s class, I decided to Google them (a light Google, I promise!). The search turned up pretty much what I expected; if anything it made me like them more. The reason I’m writing, though, is because one of their profiles pretty prominently and publicly lists their pronouns as they/them. But at the school, all the teachers are gendered with a Ms. or Mr., and this teacher is not an exception — their classroom door says “Mr. Michael.” I’ve always known them as Mr. Michael and referred to them that way.

My gut is telling me to ignore what I learned online and just follow the teacher’s lead. I don’t know what their reasons are for using he/him pronouns at school and I definitely don’t think saying “hey, I googled you, would you prefer they/them” is a great way to show support. Our state is purple but our area tends more liberal, and the organization that owns the preschool explicitly welcomes people of all gender identities and expressions. But obviously that doesn’t automatically make it easy for individuals to be out, and we all know how fraught the topic of gender expression is in general in the early childhood space.

As a parent and member of the organization, I wonder if speaking up about supporting teachers (and others) who fall outside the traditional gender binary could have a positive impact. I just have no idea how to do it without making it weird for this one teacher.

Nope, leave it alone. The teacher may have reasons for using he/him at school and you shouldn’t out them. You can certainly look for ways to signal that you’re a safe and supportive person in general — feel free to carry a tote bag with a rainbow pin or wear a t-shirt with an equality message or anything else along those lines — but follow their lead (not Google’s!) when it comes to their identity.

4. My company posted my job on LinkedIn

I am a great employee who has had no negative events during my tenure. Last night I was told there was a post for my job on LinkedIn, which I saw and took a screenshot of. Ten minutes later, it was taken down. I am not sure what direction to go because I am out of town and my boss has said nothing to me. Can you help?

It’s possible that it was simply an error: someone meant to post job X and accidentally posted job Y. The fact that it was taken down fairly quickly makes that more likely.

But it’s entirely understandable to be unnerved and to ask your boss about it. It’s fine to say, “I saw my job was briefly posted on the company’s LinkedIn earlier this week. It’s down now, but obviously that got me concerned.”

5. Should I follow up on my application again?

I recently applied for a job that I really, really want. I’m not, perhaps, the “ideal” candidate, but I think I am qualified and it’s in a field with a lot of openings, so I feel like it should be to the job seeker’s advantage.

After I found the posting, I went to the company’s website to do more investigation. I followed the instructions on their website and sent a resume, cover letter, and work samples to a careers.companyname email. I got an automated response that they would review my resume within 10 days and get back to me if my qualifications meet their needs. Two weeks passed and I sent one follow-up email just to verify my resume was received.

During that two weeks, I realized I had a connection in my network who used to be a partner in this firm. Although he didn’t know me super well, I knew that I had made a favorable impression on him while participating in some professional organization’s events. I reached out to him and asked if he could forward my name along to a contact at the company. He did so, with a soft but definitely positive recommendation, and cc’d me. One of the principals on the chain replied all with, “Thanks, we’ll keep an eye out!”

Now I’m left wondering what my next steps should be. I have no way of knowing if they have truly even seen my resume. Perhaps they are looking for an application from Indeed or something and by sending it via email, I made a faux pas. Or maybe they have seen it and are just not interested. Or maybe these things just take longer that I’d like. For what it’s worth, the job listing is still active. Do I follow up again? And if so, how long should I wait between the first follow-up and a second follow-up? And do I reply to my first email or the group email with the recommendation?

Don’t do additional follow-up. They know you’re interested because you applied, you confirmed they received your resume, and they told your contact they’d take a look. That’s all there’s really room for you to do; anything else would be pushy and risk being annoying. If they want to interview you, they’ll let you know.