Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How do I balance work and socializing at hybrid team meetings?

I (a young-looking woman) lead a team of about 15, composed of 3-4 smaller sub-teams that collaborate on various parts of the project. About half the team work remotely; a quarter at Site A, including my deputy and me; and a quarter at Site B. Team members range from junior to mid-career, heavy on junior. We have at least one meeting per project topic area per week for tracking progress and working through more complex issues together.

I have a hard time closing down the first “social” 5-15 minutes of a meeting; the chit chat expands and we run out of time for our actual agenda items. Our remote staff are particularly social. I like them and would enjoy our chats, but my social battery gets (happily) drained by interacting with in-person colleagues (both on and off this project) and an active social life and hobbies. With people at my site, I’m able to chat organically in the hall or while walking to meetings, make it a coffee break, etc.

I do not have time nor energy for more than ~20 minutes of Zoom call social chatting per typical day, but that’s gotta split across the 2-5 calls per day. But I want all my staff to feel connected and happy at work! I’m also a people pleaser and a little socially anxious. How soon into a meeting can and should I redirect to the agenda? How can I do this without making people think I’m an emotionless computer, or get out of my head where I’m terrified of that outcome?

Several times in the past when I’ve tried removing the “smiles and exclamation marks” veneer, others coworkers who I previously had positive work relationships with reacted defensively as if I were attacking them or their work. In every instance, other colleagues present verified for me afterwards that my content and tone were appropriate and accurate. So I’m particularly sensitive that I might come across as a robot or a jerk, create unpleasantly chilly relationships, or lose my staff to other projects (they can switch projects as they want).

15 minutes of chat at the start of a meeting is a lot. Five minutes is reasonable, particularly if you have a lot of remote team members who don’t have many other opportunities for that sort of social connection with each other. But it is very reasonable — and very normal — to interject after five minutes (really, three to five) and say, “Well, let’s get started so we can get through all our agenda items.” If you make a point of warmly joining in on the chatting before that, you will be much less likely to come across as chilly when you do call the meeting to order.

When you’re leading a remote team, it’s reasonable to see those five minutes as part of the work you invest in your team culture and connections. But it’s really okay to move things along after that. And I would bet good money that some of your team members will appreciate you doing it, and are aggravated by how much meeting time is being spent on non-work stuff … doubly so if you’re not getting through your agenda.

You can also occasionally try moving the chat to the end of the meetings! You can say, “I want to jump into our agenda so we don’t run out of time, but if we have time at the end, anyone who wants to is welcome to stay on to continue this part of the conversation.” And then at the end, you can say, “I need to jump off and I think some others may too, but anyone who wants to stay on, please feel free!” That said, I think you’ll see less of it then — since by the end of a meeting most people are ready to be done — but you could at least make it clear it’s an option for people who want it.

2. My job offer was rescinded after a reference check

After a great interview last week, I accepted a job offer at a hospital. Yesterday, the offer was abruptly rescinded. HR personnel and the hiring manager will not give details, but they stated that it was solely due to “unsatisfactory references.” This is a shock to me because these references are supervisors and colleagues who I have good or great relationships with. I had confirmed with all of these individuals beforehand if they would be willing to offer a recommendation, and they had enthusiastically agreed. When I explained to these colleagues why the offer was rescinded, they were stunned. The third party recruiter, my references, and I are still convinced this is a mistake, that they must have their applicants mixed up somehow. So far, HR and the hiring manager insist there is no mistake. My recruiter told me, “I have been doing this for 15 years and I’ve never seen this. I’m at a loss.”

Have you encountered this before? Could the offer have been rescinded for another reason? Do I have any recourse here?

It’s possible that it was a mistake. It’s also possible that your references did give you good reviews but said something in passing that concerned the hiring manager. For example, most reference checks ask about weaknesses, and it’s possible a reference named something that they thought was minor but it happened to be something would cause a problem in this particular job or is a particular bugaboo of the manager’s. It’s also possible the hiring manager simply misunderstood something. (For thoroughness, I’ll also note that when done well, reference checks aren’t supposed to be a simple thumbs-up/thumbs-down but more nuanced — although when they’re done post-offer, they are nearly always closer to a rubber stamp, so that’s less likely to be in play.)

You don’t really have any legal recourse here; employers are allowed to rescind job offers, especially when they’re contingent on things like post-offer reference checks (which are generally a terrible practice). But the recruiter is in a better position to push for more information and to push them to check that a mistake wasn’t made. Since she’s at a loss too, can you ask her to try that?

3. Discussing gun ownership with coworkers

I have a perhaps odd question about professional boundaries. I am a petite woman who lives alone. I somehow send out creepy people homing vibes and have had one or two frightening moments where I could have gotten hurt. (I know someone is going to tell me to read Gift of Fear. I already have, and I am working on becoming less of a target, but we all know sometimes creeps just gonna creep.)

I would like to purchase a gun that I would keep in my home for self-defense. I would of course secure it, practice regularly, and take all other actions I can to make sure I’m never in a situation where I’d need it.

I live in a state where gun laws are very strict. To buy a gun, I must first find two state residents who will testify to my good character. This has been a challenge as most people here oppose or at least are suspicious of gun ownership. I think they’d endorse my character generally but would not want to assist me in buying a gun by writing that down.

I have two coworkers who have mentioned in passing that they themselves own guns. The work we do together is in a physically hazardous environment, so these two coworkers have seen how I deal with safety issues, which I hope would speak well to my ability to be a responsible gun owner. They’ve also watched me interact interpersonally and can testify I’m reasonable.

Would it be unprofessional of me to contact them outside of work channels and ask if they would be willing to serve as a reference in this way? Both are senior to me, so I don’t think they could worry that I would penalize them if they said no. It just feels weird and possibly intrusive to discuss such a controversial issue with a professional contact. Would it make a difference if one person had left the company?

I want to say up-front that my answer to this might be influenced by my own discomfort with guns, but this makes me nervous. On one hand, these are people who are clearly comfortable with gun ownership themselves and it might be completely fine! On the other hand, if they don’t feel comfortable saying yes, you’d be putting them in a pretty uncomfortable position (where they’d need to essentially tell a colleague, “No, I don’t endorse your character”), and I don’t love that.

If you wanted to feel them out, one option is to approach them for advice about the process generally, since it’s something they’ve already mentioned. Explain you’re considering buying one, don’t know anyone outside of work with first-hand experience with the process, and enter the conversation that way. It’s possible that will create an opening to bring it up organically. Otherwise though, I’d err on the side of caution and keep it out of work.

4. Phone interviews when you’re hard of hearing

My husband is hard of hearing, especially on the phone. He has had a couple interviews that he tanked because he misheard a question or kept asking them to repeat the question. He doesn’t have hearing aids, but I think he needs them. I keep encouraging him to get tested. He mishears me all the time or doesn’t hear me at all if one of us is facing away while talking.

There are a couple things he says helps, like wearing headphones for a call, using a desk phone rather than a cell, or taking a call in his car with the Bluetooth speakers. Three times now, interviewers have unexpectedly called him outside their scheduled interview times where he isn’t able to get into his car or find headphones quickly. He didn’t want to miss the opportunity, so he tried talking on his cell phone. He couldn’t hear most of what was said. He got feedback on how poorly he did, like his answers had nothing to do with the questions or that he didn’t know the answers because he repeatedly asked interviewers to repeat their questions.

I advised him to tell the interviewers he can’t take the call at the moment but is happy to keep their scheduled time or reschedule so he can get to a place he can hear, or just be up-front that he is hard of hearing and request some accommodations like a Zoom call where multiple interviewers and my husband can use headsets. My husband doesn’t want to because he’s in his 50s and he’s afraid of looking old or incapable, like he can’t do a phone call or meeting. I pointed out people of any age can have hearing issues, and it’s got to be better than them thinking he doesn’t know anything.

I have more experience interviewing and I’ve never had interviewers call outside scheduled times “because everyone was in the office” just then. What is the best way to handle this? Tell them he can’t talk? Ask them to hold until he can get into his car? Ask them to call our landline? Any of these? I’d like to say his worry about ageism is wrong but we’re both getting to an age now where I do see some of that in the workplace.

Ideally he’d just ask to reschedule for a more convenient time, but I can understand why he’s hesitant to; while it’s a perfectly reasonable request, sometimes the rescheduled call will never end up happening. Given that, the next best option is to say, “Can you give me a minute while I get to a quieter place to talk?” so he has time to find headphones or go to his car. (It also sounds worth keeping headphones easily accessible in the places where he spends the most time during the workday.) It’s also fine to say, “I seem to have a bad connection — could you call me right back on my land line?”

You’re also absolutely right that he could simply ask for accommodations (which they’re required by law to provide), but he’s not wrong about the risk of discrimination — both age and disability discrimination. But one of the other suggestions should get these calls back on track.

Related:
what’s up with surprise phone interviews?

5. Can my boss require me to use a vacation day on my last day of work?

I am leaving a job I love at the end of the month due to a health issue. I have a great relationship with my boss and my coworkers, and the job has been a really great fit, so I’m really sad that I need to leave.

My boss, her boss, and another admin person are all scheduled to be off on the last day of the month. There are exit procedures that need to be done on my last day, so my boss asked if I would take vacation on that day so we could do them the day before. I’d rather work that day and cash out as much vacation as possible, so I’m basically being asked to forfeit a day’s pay. Can my boss ask me to do this?

Yes. They can also set your last day for an earlier date if they want to, which would be functionally the same thing (which doesn’t necessarily mean that they will, just that they could). But if you explain you’d prefer not to, it’s possible they’ll work with you on a different arrangement. You could try saying, “Would it be possible for us to do the exit procedures on the 30th and then I’ll spend the 31st finishing up X and Y? I’m hoping not to use up any vacation time before I leave.” They might say no — and they might not be able to say yes, if you won’t be able to work once the exit procedures are done — but it’s reasonable to ask.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Am I being a grouch about this touchy-feely group activity?

I work at a school. As the closing activity for today’s professional development session, Fergus (an administrator) split us into three groups, then asked two-thirds of us to stay seated with our eyes closed while the other third stood and moved around the room. Fergus read a series of prompts and invited those who were standing to “connect with” (that is, tap or pat on the shoulder) someone the prompt applied to (“connect with someone you admire,” “connect with someone whose work you’d like to learn more about,” etc.). Fergus read about 10 of these and then had a different third of the group stand and repeat the exercise, for a total of three rounds of affectionate shoulder-grasping.

In the moment, I found this admittedly touchy-feely activity affirming; it’s nice to get patted on the shoulder after a prompt like “connect with someone who makes this school a better place.” That said: isn’t it a bit dicey to ask a large group of people to sit with their eyes closed while others move around them and touch them? I can imagine someone feeling uncomfortable about that for any number of reasons. (For one: I don’t think this would apply to my group, but what if my ex / person-with-unrequited-crush were in that workplace and I didn’t particularly want them touching me? Eek.)

There wasn’t really a way to opt out of the activity without being quite obvious about it. Am I right that this is borderline inappropriate, and what should I have done in the moment?

Yeah, it’s not a great workplace activity. In any large group of people, there’s a decent chance that some of them won’t be comfortable with physical touching (for all sorts of possible reasons) and a non-zero chance that someone might actually be upset by it. (Imagine someone whose harasser is in the room and they have to sit there with their eyes closed wondering who’s touching them … or people with particular types of trauma history.) Will most people be fine with it? Probably. But not everyone will be, and there are all sorts of ways to achieve the same aims of this exercise without making people touch each other / be touched. It’s just so easy to avoid.

Updated to add: I apparently published this without addressing your question about what you could do in the moment! One option was to say when the activity was explained, “I think a lot of people might be uncomfortable being touched with their eyes closed. Is there a different exercise we could substitute?” It can be really hard to find the right words in the moment though (and it sounds like you felt positively about it at first anyway), and it’s always okay to give similar feedback to the organizer afterwards.

2. Have job search gimmicks become less popular?

I’ve noticed that nothing has been added to the topic “gimmicks won’t get you a job” for a few years now. It seems like it was never a massive topic, which makes sense as it’s pretty niche. But it had at least one a year until 2014 with only four posted since, the newest of which is from 2022. Do you think it’s a flavor of bananapants that’s become less common? Have we all been robbed of our gumption? Or are the purveyors of scented resumes and fruit baskets still out there, lurking, waiting until we let our guard down?

Interesting. I do think gimmick-based job-search advice is less common than it used to be; there was a while where it was everywhere. I suspect some of the change is due to generational change; those gimmicks tended to be (although weren’t always) the province of people who had entered the work world at an earlier point in history (where maybe things like showing up in a lobby and refusing to leave until you got an interview were looked on more kindly).

I think there’s more to it than that, though, and maybe the overall shift in work culture has left people more cynical about the job search process and thus less likely to bother with gimmicky stunts. People almost expect to be ghosted or ignored by employers … which in theory could make them more likely to try to “stand out” through gimmicks, but I think it instead has manifested in more exhaustion and less inclination to invest a ton in any one job opening. Less gimmicky advice is a good thing, but everyone being so drained is not.

(None of this is to say that gimmicks have disappeared. They definitely haven’t.)

3. Former coworker insists her job is harder now than when I was doing it

I have a lovely ex-colleague who has recently moved to a promoted post in health care, similar to the post that I recently retired from. We meet up for a coffee and chat from time to time, and some of our conversations (but not all, I’m glad to say) turn to work topics. I don’t mind this at all because I generally enjoyed my job even though it could be very stressful, and I like hearing her anecdotes.

However, whenever I mention any of my experiences, she always says, “It’s much worse now!” One example she gave, when I mentioned a patient who was very huffy with me, was that patients now shout at managers. Well, guess what? They always did! It’s just that this particular patient was huffy rather than shouty!

I do appreciate that I’m no longer in the workplace and my friend is still dealing with difficult situations every day, but it’s kind of annoying to me that she always assumes that I had it easier than her. I really didn’t! I realize that this is not the most important of issues, but could you please suggest a nice way that I could say, “I support you but please stop telling me that the job was easier for me”? I don’t want to come across as defensive or spoil our time together, but it’s really irritating!

One way to approach it is to be genuinely open to the idea that things are worse now! Who knows, maybe they are — but even if they aren’t, being curious about why she’s experiencing it that way might make it less frustrating. So for example, when she says patients now shout at managers when you were describing someone who was merely huffy, you could say, “I always found some patients shouted too, although this one didn’t. But it sounds like you think it’s increased — what changes have you been seeing?” And then if she describes absolutely nothing new, there’s no reason you can’t be straightforward about that and say, “Ugh, yes, that sounds like what I encountered all the time too. It’s really frustrating. How do you deal with it?” (Note that shift at the end from debating who had it worse to how she personally handles it.)

But if that doesn’t solve it, I think you’re better off letting it go at that point. It’s annoying to feel like she’s trying to one-up you, but the path of least resistance is to shrug it off. If it’s really getting to you, though, you could name that: “You often say that the job was easier for me, but based on what you’ve described I don’t think it was. Either way, though, I’ll admit it grates to keep hearing that. I support you and I don’t want to compete over who had it worse!”

If that doesn’t work, at that point you might simply need to stop talking about work!

4. Can I ignore my classmate’s LinkedIn request?

I have a former graduate school classmate with whom I used to be close friends. Among my reasons for ending our friendship was their hyper-competitive streak. They have sent me a LinkedIn invitation, which I find completely inappropriate given the boundaries I had previously expressed to them. I know their reason for doing this is (a) because they are doing well and want to gloat or (b) they are doing poorly and need to compare their Ws & Ls with mine. I struggle allowing them access into my life, as it took quite some effort to extricate myself in the first place.

On the other hand, I know LinkedIn etiquette suggests I should accept; as former classmates, we have many mutual connections. I would like for it to not look conspicuous that we are not connected. Graduate school is weird that way; it is an opportunity to build rich, deeply personal connections, but it’s inherently a professional network.

Are my reasons good enough to ignore their invitation? Or is the professional course of action to just accept the invitation, assume strictly professional networking intentions, and move on?

Ignore their invitation and don’t give it another thought. You don’t need to connect with anyone who you don’t feel like connecting with, and most people are unlikely to notice whether you accepted their request or not, especially if they’re sending requests to a bunch of people around the same time (which is common when leaving grad school). Plus, lots of people’s LinkedIn inboxes are such a mess or they check the site so infrequently that it’s really easy for requests to get lost or overlooked. It’s not a big deal!

5. How to explain an internal job search when I’ve struggled with my most recent role

About a year ago, I changed roles within my company as part of a push for “internal mobility.” I wasn’t opposed to trying something new, but it wasn’t really presented as an option. It has been an ongoing challenge trying to get up to speed and there has been some friction with my new manager.

I’m really not happy with the role, and one of the main drivers is that, frankly, I don’t think I’m very good at it. I can’t seem to grasp the fundamental concepts that underlie the function. I am well into my career, so I’m familiar with the learning curve that comes with a new job and a constant refrain of imposter syndrome. This is … not that. I really just don’t understand. I spend my days feeling like an idiot and a failure. My therapist assures me I’m not. (Yes, this job made me seek therapy)

I am obviously trying to move on and have applied for another open role within my same company. I know that my short tenure at this current position is going to be a question, so how do I diplomatically say that I’m leaving because I’m just not that good? No one so far seems to accept my answer that it is not the right fit, and I’m not sure how to elaborate with out going into why I’m bad at this job, but don’t worry I’ll be great at yours and you should hire me.

I suspect they’re not accepting “not the right fit” because it doesn’t tell them enough. They want to know why it’s not the right fit, so they can figure out if you’re likely to run into the same issues with the job they’re hiring for. (Which is in your interests too!)

So ideally you’d say something like, “I’ve always excelled at X and Y but have found in this new role that Z doesn’t come naturally to me” (where Z is something you’re struggling with that won’t be part of the next job). Alternately, you could make it about your preferences rather than your skills: “I’ve realized I really miss having X be a part of my daily work and want to get back to it.” (Obviously that only works if X is in fact part of the new job, but there are lots of ways to adapt that basic formulation.)