I got drunk and flipped out at a company dinner, coworker complained about my burping, and more

by Alison Green on December 27, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I got drunk and flipped out at a company dinner

Friday night, we had my company’s annual dinner, which includes all management. My husband works for the same company and we are both at the same level. I drank entirely too much, and didn’t eat at all (food was terrible). I was fine during dinner, having fun and laughing, nothing out of control. After dinner, some coworkers decided to go to the bar, so my husband and I agreed to go also. Before heading to the bar, I told my husband I needed to use the restroom.

From this point on, everything is a blur. I came out of the restroom looking for my husband, and thought he had ditched me. I looked and looked for him and finally found him at the bar, with two guys from work, one of them who I REALLY don’t like. I went ballistic. I lost it. My husband tells me I flipped out on him and apparently also said a few things (very mean things) to the two guys. I don’t remember most of this or why I was so angry. My husband got me out of there eventually.

I’m currently dealing with a lot of personal things, so maybe not finding my husband was a huge trigger for me. I think I felt abandoned. I’m filled with shame and embarrassment. I really feel like I should send an email to the two guys and apologize for my behavior, but my husband says I shouldn’t. We work for a big company, I don’t work directly with them, but I do see them every now and then. I don’t want to get in trouble either. I don’t know what to do.

It’s hard to imagine that you shouldn’t apologize if you flipped out and said mean things to these guys, so I’m curious to know what your husband’s reasoning is for that. Does he just want to not deal with this any further and worries that apologizing will drag it out? If it’s just that, I’d overrule him and apologize — it’s your name and reputation that’s on the line here.

If possible, I wouldn’t use email. Email can feel like a cowardly way out in this kind of situation, so I would talk to them face to face. (And actually, same for anyone else who may have witnessed it, not just these two guys.)

– 2017

2. How can I be less annoying when I have to follow up with people?

Do you have any suggestions for less annoying follow-up? I have a mainly back office position and don’t work with customers or external partners for the most part, but sometimes I have to request documents for compliance. It’s a pain and I hate doing it, but we have to do it.

Let’s say it’s a signed TPS coversheet. I don’t have the authority to change anything about the process, and management wants it this way. I have to hound our partners for these stupid TPS sheets and send them a million emails.

I have frequent back and forth with several key partners. I have a decent rapport with them, but I can’t help but feel like I’m a pest when I ask for what I need. Sometimes I only get one or two TPS sheets back when I need four, sometimes it’s the wrong name, and sometimes I receive them much later than the deadline.

How can I politely ask for what I need without being annoying? I’m a young millennial woman so that is driving a lot of my thoughts here.

You know it’s a requirement, they know it’s a requirement, and it’s okay to continue checking back until you have what you need. You should do it pleasantly and cheerfully, but don’t feel awkward about the fact that you have to do it in the first place! (If anything, you might tell yourself that they should feel a little awkward that they keep not sending you something you’re clearly asking for.)

Sometimes doing this pleasantly means using softening language like “I’m sorry to bug you about this” but most of the time it’s fine to just be straightforward, as long as your tone is warm — for example, “Hmmm, I’ve got two back from you but still need two more — can you send the X and Y sheets along too?” or “Today’s our deadline for having these in, so could you send them to me this morning?”

And when someone is chronically sending them in late, it’s fine to say, “We’ve to have these in by the fifth of every month for (reasons). Is there something I can do differently on my end to make sure you can meet that deadline?”

Also! If you’re sending a zillion emails without the results you need, the very first thing to try is switching contact methods — in this case, to calling instead. Some people are much more responsive to calls, and the ones who don’t love calls may start to realize it’s preferable to answer your emails.

But sometimes this is just the job, and decent people will understand you’re not hounding them just to annoy them.

– 2019

3. My coworker complained about my burping and farting

I have a work situation I have no idea how to deal with. I found out yesterday that my coworker who works in the cubicle next to mine is incredibly offended by the fact that my body makes sounds a lot. I belch pretty constantly throughout the day, with some farts as well. I say “excuse me” frequently, and I’ve been to the doctor and it just happens. My brother and father are the same way. I told her this, and she told me to go to the bathroom. I was literally speechless.

I’m attempting to comply with her demand, but it’s making me less productive, is super anxiety inducing, and a little bit painful. Our boss is really hands-off and I don’t know what he would think if I brought it up, and I don’t think I’m capable of speaking to my coworker about it. I’m pretty sure this mostly doesn’t smell, and scented products make me completely unable to work, so even if there is there’s not a lot to be done. I feel awful and I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job because of this nonsense. What do I do?

If this is the result of a medical condition, it’s reasonable to explain that. If you truly can’t control it, you can’t control it. (I’m assuming you’ve tried over-the-counter treatments like Gas-X and so forth, and that you’ve inquired about treatment with your doctor.)

But it’s also reasonable for your coworker to be pretty miserable if she’s subjected to farting and burping all day. I don’t think you should be shocked by that — it’s understandable that it’s creating a pretty unpleasant environment for her.

If it’s a medical condition, you might be able to talk to your boss about the possibility of moving to a more secluded workspace. But if that’s not possible, I think you probably need to be understanding about the impact it’s having on your cubicle neighbor and not be shocked that it bothers her. It’s similar to if you had a constant cough or nose-sniffling problem; it’s out of your control, but you’d probably still try to be thoughtful about how it impacted others, to the extent that you could.

– 2016

4. When multiple people are selling Girl Scout cookies

I hope this is a pleasantly low-stakes question. Is there a general consensus about how coworkers should handle it when more than one wants to bring Girl Scout cookie order forms into the office? If there isn’t, what do you recommend?

We generally leave fundraising order forms in a common area, both for people’s convenience and to keep everything low-key. Should cookie-offering coworkers leave out their forms together, and communicate their hope that people ordering multiple boxes will split their orders? (Almost everyone orders multiple boxes.) Or should co-workers agree that one person will take the early orders and one take orders from the procrastinators? What’s a good way to avoid popularity contests and treat everyone equitably?

I pondered this and determined that I have no opinion on it! If anything, I’d come down on the side of being laissez faire about it and just letting people handle their order forms however they want, as long as they’re being low-key about it and not pushing cookie purchases on their coworkers. Anyone have strong feelings to the contrary?

– 2018

You may also like:
{ 171 comments }

updates: the nosy coworker, the quiet firing, and more

by Alison Green on December 26, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. Nosy coworker in an open office (#4 at the link)

Thanks for publishing my letter and your response! As I mentioned in my previous letter, I only had half a year left at this firm and I was debating whether I should (politely and professionally) address this problem with “Nicholas.”

I decided to take your advice and not address it. Given that he was several years my senior (and just got promoted to a title that is two “steps” above mine), I felt that the juice simply wasn’t worth the squeeze.

After reading the dozens of comments commiserating on the post, I instantly felt so, so much better. Over the next few months, Nicholas kept up his antics, but I was surprised to find that it inexplicably stopped bothering me. The affirmation from the commentors as well as from my coworkers (who have since nicknamed him “Swivel Head”) was enough to assure me I wasn’t crazy for having an issue with his behavior. And magically, his behavior went from an annoying professional oddity to a funny quirk I could easily brush off.

I’m now at my next job and recently got a coffee with Nicholas. I’m delighted to say that Nicholas is a great professional connection to have in the industry, especially when I’m no longer in an open office with him. Thanks again for your advice!

2. How much transparency does a manager owe employees in an internal hiring process?

Your advice and that of some commenters was really valuable. Thank you. It’s true, Arden didn’t really do anything wrong. Those who noted I was reading a lot into tiny signals were right. And my hunch that Micah had gotten the job? Also right. Sometimes you just know, maybe in ways that are too hard to explain in this format. We may never know if I was right about the timing of his finding out, but based on what friends of Micah’s said later about the timing of when they found out from him, plus all those subtle signs that ground my gears in the first place, it seems likely.

Micah has been the deputy head of our department for a year and a half now. It’s been going … OK. He’s super competent and in many ways a good colleague, but people don’t love his management style. As you might guess from the victory-lap moment, his professional judgment can be a little off. I wish I had given some context about his personality in my original letter; when he was applying (we didn’t know for sure that he was, but it seemed inevitable), a colleague characterized her concerns about him as “he likes power too much.” And he was just an individual contributor then without very much power.

Luckily, I’ve been able to continue to report to Arden all this time, unlike many of my team members, who were switched to Micah. Arden is now being promoted out of the department. I figured I might finally have to report to Micah now — ugh, but OK, but ugh — but I’ve instead been reassigned to someone less familiar with my work but also not a former job rival. I’m relieved.

And my own ego and mental health are healing, thanks to SSRIs (which I started not long after writing), a cool stretch project I’ve been given, feedback from several coworkers who say they wish I could be the new Arden (unlikely, but sweet of them), and also just seeing how tough Micah’s job is. It wouldn’t have been a great fit for me in some ways, and I get why he has it.

3. My coworker leans on me for too much help (#2 at the link; first update here)

For a few months after my last update, Meg had been having additional training with my manager, let’s call her Lucy. Things improved a little bit until Lucy was let go. Lucy’s position was not replaced and her manager, Bob, had now become my direct manager. Bob had technically been Meg’s direct manager this whole time, not Lucy.

I learned that Bob was aware that Meg was struggling with her work, but he had put the responsibility on Lucy to handle it. Since she was let go, Meg’s issues had fallen back to me along with a handful of Lucy’s items that were not going to be picked up by anyone else.

Those things, combined with a lot of other major changes in the company had started to wear me down pretty quickly. It wasn’t only Meg relying on me too much. In general, too many things were getting dumped on me and I wasn’t feeling super motivated anymore. So, I looked elsewhere and landed a job that has a better culture, more organization, and great benefits that includes an option to work from home, so I don’t have to sit next to needy coworkers aside from my cat. My old company even offered me more money to stay, which I did not accept. I was actually a little annoyed that they only let me know my value when there was a risk of me leaving. Regardless, I tried to give Meg as much support and training as I could before I left, and haven’t heard much from her since. Other past colleagues have told me the workplace is as chaotic as ever, but that is thankfully no longer my problem.

Looking back, what I wish I had done was talked to Lucy and Bob earlier on about the issues I was having with Meg. I don’t know that anything would have ended up differently, but I’m not sure that Bob realized just how bad it was and maybe if he had heard my perspective he would have done more to help get Meg to where she needed to be. Maybe not. But I’ll keep this experience as a lesson to not be afraid of confrontation when it’s needed. Hopefully I don’t have to use it anytime soon.

4. What do I owe a freelance client who abruptly ended my project? (#4 at the link)

The advice definitely helped!

I was able to hold the files until the last payment came through — which, given how late they often were on invoices, did take a while … and I sent the files in one big package to the project manager, and that was that. Every so often, I’d get a follow-up email asking for help figuring out what was in what file, but that was that.

There’s absolutely no relationship there anymore, but I wouldn’t work for them again if they asked and paid me triple my rate, so I think that’s okay. All my friends who worked there have been fired one by one, with no notice or reason, so I guess I was just the first on the list. On the plus side, I secured a full time job a few months afterwards, with the salary and benefits I wanted, and a solid and well organized file management system that means no one is emailing me after hours chasing links … the dream!

5. My boss is trying to “quiet fire” me — can I just ignore it?

Hello from the other side.

I started in a new position just a few days before my letter was published on AAM in January, and the difference it has made is absolutely wild.

Several commenters rightly hit on the mental health aspects that were involved here (special shoutout to the person who said I sounded very well-adjusted — I wasn’t, at all, but glad I could come across like I was!). To be honest, I knew it was a bad situation, but it took getting out and looking back (and therapy) to see just how absolutely destructive it was, how it affected every aspect of my life and I didn’t realize it. Someone likened it to being in the pot as it slowly boiled, and that is completely accurate.

I have been extremely lucky in my new position. It’s a completely different role in a completely different industry, so there continues to be a lot to learn, but my manager is an absolute treasure. He is extremely supportive while also trusting his team to do what they are supposed to without him hovering. The pay and benefits are much better, I get literally 3x as many vacation days and most everyone, from the newest employee to the chief exec, has a good level of work-life balance and encourages everyone else to have the same. The biggest difference though, is that the level of dysfunction is basically nonexistent. If there is a problem or a mistake, no one screams or curses, it’s treated as a very normal part of doing business and is solved without hysterics. If I take a day off, I don’t have anxiety all the night before to see what catastrophe was made up in my absence. No one calls me shouting on weekends or after work hours. I don’t find myself awake at 3 am, dreading the next mood swing. Like anything, there are certain small aspects that I might not 100% agree with, but it has been positive from day one.

Leaving the other job was not easy. I was very unhealthily emotionally invested, and boss’s reactions swung between bitter anger over my “betrayal” and over-the-top performative begging me to reconsider and promises to change. I had to block her eventually, as even after I left she would not stop contacting me. I still have guilt over that, though I know that there really was not another option.

To those of you who are stuck in a toxic workplace and might not think that you have the opportunity to get out, please do yourself a favor and put yourself out there. Don’t be afraid to apply for other positions or other industries, and don’t think for a moment that you need to put up with a job destroying your mental health. You don’t owe them your sanity.

You may also like:
{ 10 comments }

update: my boss says I should always be available on my days off

by Alison Green on December 26, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss said they should always be available on their days off? Here’s the update.

Thank you very much for responding to my letter in the first place. As a sort of “Easter egg,” it’s actually the second time you’ve answered one of my letters! The first one I wrote was years ago — I was early in my career and asked how to know whether you want to be a manager. You opened that one up to the readers who gave me a lot of really interesting perspective, and so the update there is that I, obviously, eventually became a manager, and I think I’m good at it (probably thanks in part to the years I have spent reading your advice!). Mentoring is an aspect of my job that I genuinely enjoy — but the downside is what drove me to write the second letter, about being “always on.”

I started to write you an update earlier in the year during your first call for updates, but honestly … it bummed me out. It has been a really hard year. The kind of hard that makes you question whether you’re in the right career. (I didn’t know that was a symptom of burnout until I went to a “lunch and learn” on stress and burnout at work. The seminar leaders suggested exercise and meditation. HELPFUL, THANKS.)

On the vacation I alluded to in my letter, I got engaged! The first three days of the trip were quiet, but I did have to spend about two hours working later in the trip (and frankly, it was a waste of time — I was prepping someone to deal with an important issue, but they ended up kicking the can until I got back). My company does the thing that I suspect most companies do — they talk a really good game about well-being and work/life balance, but it’s a talking point, not a reality for most people.

My boss has continued to demonstrate through words and actions that they place little stock in PTO. I just think it’s something we will always disagree on. I support my direct reports in taking ALL available PTO (what we can roll over is limited) and being fully unplugged, and I try to support peers both directly (by offering to cover work) and indirectly (by being loudly supportive of taking time off). If I have to be “that person” at my company, so be it. This is a hill I am willing to die on.

I recently had a frank conversation with our general counsel about no longer being sure that I wanted to continue in this career. The slightly panicked response I received suggests to me that I was being considered for a promotion next year, if I wanted it. Genuinely not sure if I want it. Genuinely have looked into going into a specific associate’s degree program because I think it would be fun and some days, I’m really tired of corporate life — and then, the very next day I find myself day dreaming about how I would do things when I have my boss’s job someday and I brainstorm ways to be more efficient and less stressed at work.

In summary, I might be having a midlife crisis? I’m trying not to rush into any decisions — I want any changes I make to be about running TOWARD something I’m excited about, not running away. Right now, I’m excited about things that would lead me to getting off the bullet train — and struggling with feeling like I “should” want to be trying to drive it, not getting off. Also, it’s scary to stop chasing the thing I’ve been chasing for a very, very long time.

So, more to come. Someday I hope I’ll write back with a more positive, or at least decisive, or if nothing else, succinct update! But in the meantime, I continue to appreciate the thoughtful and pragmatic advice you continue to dole out. Thank you.

You may also like:
{ 34 comments }

update: our new boss is ruining the organization and is upset that I’m pushing back

by Alison Green on December 26, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer who was concerned their new boss was ruining the organization, and the boss was upset that they were pushing back? Here’s the update.

Reading your response and then the response of the commenters made me question everything about the situation — like maybe I was just overreacting — so I didn’t engage with the comments because I was embarrassed. Those comments did, however, help me realize that the details provided didn’t really tell the whole story and made me step back and try to look at the situation from a more neutral viewpoint. I also want to be clear that the changes themselves — the schedule, the reogranization, the new policies and procedures — are not really the issue. The issue is more the way the changes have been implemented. Quickly and with little to no staff input. And when staff gave feedback, the feedback was dismissed or turned back on them. Like when I let her know that folks were reeling a bit from all the change, she sent a survey to staff to gauge their level of change readiness.

All that to say, a lot has happened since then. After I got her response detailing her concerns, I heard nothing again for a few weeks (which is especially weird because we’re a small organization and our offices are right next door to each other). However, because staff continued to be unhappy and bring concerns to me, I wrote a letter to the board with my concerns about where the library was heading and asked for their help (we don’t have HR). Nothing for a few weeks. I then received an email telling me that I had been signed up for a professional development course about effective communication and conflict management. No goals or other information attached. She and one other staff member would also be taking it. (This other staff member was suspended for gross insubordination after she continued to share her thoughts and pushed for answers to her questions.) When I asked her whether I would have goals or benchmarks, she said I would and that I would be put on a PIP in my upcoming review. None of the issues that were mentioned had been brought up to me before this. Several of them were simply based on feedback from two staff members (a mother and daughter). At no point was I asked about my perspective or to explain any of the issues.

My review took place on a Friday and I learned that she had seen my letter to the board the day before. To say she was angry was an understatement and my review reflected that. My scores were based on the one or two small things in each performance area, ignoring the rest of my work. I was able to provide some background information about many of the situations to which she said, “I wasn’t aware of that.” I did point out that if she had talked to me about any of these things, many of them could have been resolved through a conversation between staff. She called me unprofessional, disrespectful, unethical, and disengaged. I told her that staff had come to me with their concerns and that I did not go out looking for them and that I had, in fact, spent her first few months trying to convince staff to give her a chance.

I finally got a response from the board that said they would not be getting involved. It’s not super surprising, but I was hoping that since they are the ones to whom the director answers that they might be able to provide some opportunities for professional development for her or something. I do suspect they might have other concerns with her performance, however, related to the finances and budget and maybe that’s why they aren’t getting involved. Who knows.

Either way, I’m actively looking for a way out. One staff member has already accepted a new position and I know of at least two others who are actively searching. At this point, I am trying to be professional and friendly and do my work the best I can, taking into account the things I learned from the mandatory training (which was quite helpful — and validating).

Late-breaking update to the update:

One final update: the director is leaving the organization, effective next month. They took a job with another organization that would “better use their skills” and so they could be back in the city they moved from (we are located in a small town). We will now spend the next few months picking up the pieces of their disruption and see what happens.

So, all is well that ends well I guess. The drama and disruption is not over but I suppose it probably won’t get much worse than it was.

You may also like:
{ 177 comments }

I don’t want my partner to take a job on my team, boss told me to be friendlier to my ex-BFF, and more

by Alison Green on December 26, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I don’t want my partner to take a job on my team

I was recently hired after a months-long job search because a friend (Fergus) recommended me for a position in his company (Company X). I’m really excited about the work and I liked the team and manager when I met them in the interview. I’ll start in a few weeks.

My partner has also been looking for a job for the last several months; he is quite miserable at his current company. He and I work in the same field, so Fergus recommended him for a position at Company X as well. It now looks like Company X is moving forward with my partner’s application, and will be interviewing him in the upcoming week. He will be interviewing for the same team that hired me. The position for which he is interviewing does not report to mine, or vice versa.

Before I accepted the job, I didn’t think that I would have a problem with Company X interviewing both my partner and me. Now that I have the position, though, I’m having second thoughts about working together. I’d like to think we can be completely professional with each other at work, but I recognize that working on the same team as your partner has many potential pitfalls (professional and personal). I brought this up with my partner, who acknowledges my concern but wants to move forward with the interview. He thinks any awkwardness that might result from our working together would be worth it if he can leave his current position.

I’d feel pretty selfish about asking my partner to withdraw his application from Company X, knowing how miserable he is now. But I’m really concerned and tempted to push back harder. Is it reasonable to not want to work on the same team as your partner? Am I overreacting, especially since he doesn’t have the job yet?

I also have a few logistical questions about this. If Company X continues to be interested in his application, when/how/by whom should our relationship be reported? And if Company X hires him, what kinds of boundaries do successful coworker couples negotiate to keep everyone on the team comfortable and maintain professionalism?

It is so reasonable not to want to work on the same team as your partner. There are all sorts of ways that it can end up being bad for you personally and professionally. You aren’t overreacting — this is a really big thing, and your partner shouldn’t move forward with it if you’re uncomfortable.

What he’s proposing would be a fundamental change to the conditions of your own new job, which you should get to sign off on. I get that he’s unhappy in his current job and desperate to get out, but he does have a job; taking this one isn’t the difference between him being able to eat and not being able to eat. And there are other jobs and other teams out there.

If he moves forward anyway, he should alert his interviewer to the relationship by saying something like, “I should mention that my partner, Jane Smith, was just hired on this team and starts in a few weeks — in case you wouldn’t want both of us working on the same team.” And there’s advice here about boundaries you’d both need to have. But I really hope he won’t move forward with this if you’re not comfortable with it.

– 2018

2. My boss told me to be friendlier to my ex-BFF

I work in a tiny company (three people, including me) that rents office space from a slightly larger small company (15-20 people). I sit on a four-person desk in an open plan office with three of the other company’s employees.

Recently, the other firm has hired someone I used to be very close friends with. She I had a really nasty friend break-up — she used to be very manipulative and controlling around me, and I was really badly bruised by the whole experience. She’s now sitting three feet away from me, every day.

When she was hired (before she arrived at the firm, but after I realized who she was), I told the managing director of the other firm about our previous relationship and explained that I would not be comfortable working in close proximity to her, but said that I could be polite and professional. She seemed to accept this, mentioned what a weird coincidence it was, and moved on.

Yesterday, my boss called me in to let me know that the other company’s managing director had told him that the new employee had mentioned that I was not being friendly enough, and that another employee had noted an “uncomfortable vibe.” The office is very informal, and people chat about their personal lives, which I have not been doing with my ex-friend.

I don’t know what to say to them. This all feels very unprofessional and embarrassing. This is my first a professional job in a relatively close-knit community, and I don’t want to give myself a reputation as difficult to work with. At the same time, I honestly don’t feel safe sharing personal details with this person, and obviously politeness isn’t good enough here. Can you help me?

You certainly don’t need to chat about your personal life with this person, and if that’s really what they’re telling you to do, that’s inappropriate and weird. But if it’s more that you’re noticeably freezing her out, it’s true that you can’t do that at work. I’m thinking it might be the latter if it’s making bystanders feel uncomfortable. But I could also imagine a situation where everyone else is chatting with each other, you two are not, and that itself stands out as odd or chilly, and that’s really not something your employer should direct you to change.

It’s also remarkable that the ex-friend herself has complained that you’re not being friendly enough; unless you’re being rude or ostracizing her, she really doesn’t have grounds for that. (And this is made all the weirder since you don’t even work for the same firm!)

So either you’re being too obviously frosty or both these companies are overstepping in their directions to you about how to socialize. I don’t know which it is — but consider both possibilities.

If you reflect on it and are confident you’re being appropriate (not in the context of the friendship break-up — which can’t become your office’s problem — but in the eyes of an objective observer), then talk to your boss (not anyone at the other company) about the situation, explain you’ve reflected and you’re confident you’ve been professional, and you’re uncomfortable being told you need to have a closer social relationship with a someone you have a troubled personal history with, but you’ll of course continue being professional and polite.

Also, any chance your desk can be moved somewhere else so you’re not in such close proximity to her? That would probably ease a lot of the tension.

– 2019

3. I was fired for making a joke about a knife on Facebook and now I can’t get hired

I was dismissed from my employer of eight years over a Facebook post, in which I stated that I owned and knew how to use a small pocket knife, and mentioned that part-time workers don’t understand the difficulty of working full-time. It was, in reality, a completely tongue-in-cheek joke with my friend I posted as “public” by accident. But the HR director called me up after work and said the post was threatening to other employees, despite my explanation that it was sarcasm/a private joke. Afterwards, I did not seek unemployment because I thought it would be contested in court due to the nature of the termination, and I didn’t want to see anyone from the company again. (Prior to this incident, I had a good relationship with my organization, except for the final six months in which I had FMLA-related attendance issues.)

Since then, I’ve been care-taking for elderly relatives and started a small business that, after a year, wasn’t financially viable. I used up my savings and maxed out my credit, and have been searching for a job for several months, trying to keep my condo. I had six interviews in September alone, but no job offers.

Hiring managers and HR reps seem to be quite understanding about the reason I got fired during phone and in-person interviews. Are they just being polite while making a mental note to never call again? Or is it truly something else?

Well … yeah, it’s possible that hearing about what happened is making them write you off. It’s not because this incident should define you, but because they have so little data about candidates that each thing they do know looms larger than it might if they knew you better. (I talk more about that here.) So when they don’t know much about you, hearing about something that was bad judgment and potentially a red flag of something more serious (no matter how remote that possibility), they’re going to take it seriously and not want to take the risk. I know you said they sound understanding about it during interviews, but I suspect they’re being polite while mentally writing you off.

Can you call your old employer, explain that you think this incident is preventing you from getting work, and ask if they’d be willing to come to an agreement with you about what they’ll say to reference-checkers about why you left? If you can get them to agree to call it a layoff or a resignation, or even to decline to give a reference at all, you will probably have an easier time of it.

– 2016

4. My coworker is blocking me from work a senior manager asked me to help her with

I’m fairly new to my job doing administrative work at a large company. Recently, a senior-level manager (Sara) asked if I could help another admin (Mary) catch up on some of the work she was behind on for a C-suite executive. I responded that I was happy to help and reached out to the Mary to get the details and formulate a plan. Honestly, I was flattered and excited that I would be helping out an exec!

For a bit of context, I have a great working relationship and a budding friendship with Mary. Upon my initial outreach, Mary agreed to send along some materials that I could help with and did so, but I’m limited in how much I can help without more information. I did what I could, but told Mary I’d probably need more and she agreed, but expressed that it was really more work for her to share info with me. I offered to sit with her so that she’s not sending me info, but rather we can work together to speed up the process and be there together to field questions but she didn’t go for the idea. I feel like I’ve tried everything to be helpful, but Mary doesn’t want to put in the up-front work in order to share her load. I know she’s open to help and it’s not a matter of controlling the situation, it’s like she’s too unorganized to make this process easier.

Now, Sara is asking why we’re not getting the work done and what’s taking so long. For now, I’ve let Mary respond to these emails and say “we’re working on it” and “(my name) has been a great help,” even though I haven’t because she’s making it impossible for me to help! I don’t want this to reflect poorly on my work ethic and I don’t want to throw Mary under the bus. There’s a chance that nothing will come of this and I’ll never be asked directly about how involved I’ve been thus far, but as a new employee I want to impress senior leaders, not shy away from stepping up like this. Is there anything I can do here? Or do I just let this pass and hope I can impress her next time?

You need to let Sara know what’s going on. She specifically asked you to do some of this work and needs to know it’s not happening — especially since it sounds like Mary is letting her go on thinking you’re doing work that you’re not doing. If the real situation comes out at some point, you’re going to look like you were complicit in Mary’s lie and that’s not good.

Reply to Sara and say, “I was able to do XYZ on this project, but after that Mary felt it would be more work for her to relay the information I’d need to assist her further — so since Tuesday, I’ve been sitting it out. But I’d be glad to keep helping if Mary wants to pull me back in!” This is not about throwing Mary under the bus; this is about updating Sara on work that she asked you to do and is now checking in on.

You can also say to Mary, “I need to let Sara know that I’m not working on this since it sounds like she thinks I am” so that she’s not blindsided when Sara asks her about it.

– 2019

5. My coworker is angry that I took her usual parking spot

My coworker Veronica comes in earlier than me, but recently I have been arriving earlier than she does. Our parking spaces have a couple of short boulevards of grass that separate portions of the parking spaces. She always parks in the space next to the grass if it is available because this enables her to have only one car parked next to hers.

Now that I’ve been coming earlier, I decided to park there. I too like the idea of having only one car parked next to mine in the parking lot, and the tree gives it a lot of shade, which keeps it cooler.

Yesterday, Veronica approached me in my cubicle and said, “You parked in my spot!” I didn’t think much of it as we have no reserved spaces here. I actually thought she was joking.

Well, the next day, the same thing. I got in earlier than Veronica, so parked under the tree next to the boulevard. She again approached me and told me not to park there anymore because it was her spot! I replied that they were all first come first serve, and she now sends dark glares in my direction.

Am I in the wrong? Should I leave the spot open for her, even though there are no reserved spaces? She is on the same level as me, but she does work for the director, and I don’t. Frankly, maybe it’s petty, but I feel like making sure I’m in earlier just so I can take that spot.

In theory, if the spaces aren’t reserved, then you can park in any of them, and Veronica will have to come to terms with that. She’s in the wrong for attempting to claim a spot and giving you a hard time about it.

That said, if Veronica is a respected employee with a lot of influence (especially with your director), the cost of pissing her off may not be worth it. So you should factor in the internal politics in your organization. (That’s irritating, but it’s also the reality in some workplaces. You can’t always go on the pure principle of something.)

– 2019

You may also like:
{ 111 comments }

the best office holiday party date story of all time

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

A couple of years ago, someone shared what I consider to be the best holiday date story of all time, and it must be shared here again. Enjoy:

When I was fresh out of college, a dude in my social circle invited me to his fancy work Christmas party. He was a teacher, so I’d kind of assumed I was there as friend to act as a buffer between well-intentioned female colleagues who wanted to set him up with one another, with their daughters, etc. I was wrong! This invitation to a work Christmas party was meant to be the first date of a magical relationship between two people destined to be together. Why a magical relationship? When I opened the door, he said he’d hope we’d have a magical night leading to a magical relationship. Then HE DID A MAGIC TRICK. I was… startled.

The party was at a country club, where he drove around and around looking for a space while I said “they have valet. it’s only valet” over and over. Inside there was a coat check. He didn’t want to leave his coat–because there were additional magic tricks secreted inside. We went in, got our drink tickets and our seating assignment. I sat down at a table that was mostly single women several years older than we were. He offered to get me a drink, and I asked for a glass of any kind of wine. He came back several minutes later with a mudslide because girls love mudslides, because they’re chocolate and girls love chocolate. I don’t. But he tried! That’s sweet! Right? Over dinner, I tried to make that sort of general polite conversation people make around banquet tables with strangers. He kept jostling my arm to get my attention to show me another magic trick.

At the beginning of the evening, I really thought we were casual friends, but I was single and kind of open to dating this guy if we got on well. Maybe that hokey line was a story we’d tell our grandchildren! But it was becoming increasingly clear that this guy was Not for Me. That didn’t mean I wanted to embarrass him in front of his principal, though. I finally said something like, “Would you mind terribly saving those for after dinner? I’m really interested in hearing more about Harriet’s begonias, aren’t you?”

He pushed his chair back and stalked across the ballroom to a piano. He plopped down and proceeded to pound out an assortment of sad pop hits. There was Muzak-y Christmas music, but he was gonna play the piano anyway. At this point, I was embarrassed to have come with this guy. My tablemates were embarrassed for me. One of them left and came back with the glass of wine I’d asked for initially. I drank it while the middle aged ladies at our table told me all about their various bad dates. More wine showed up. Then someone asked if I like martinis and brought a martini. Apparently none of them drank, and, as my date played “You’re So Vain” while staring mournfully at me, I drank my way through pretty much all their drink tickets. I am an effusively nice drunk person. I told each and every one of these women that they were beautiful angels shaping tomorrow’s great minds to recognize the power of sisterhood and human kindness. Or something to that general effect. My memory is a bit fuzzy, for obvious, gin-based reasons.

My date wanted to leave, so I went to coat check. I tipped the coat check person, and he reached in the tip jar to fish out my money. I thought he was going to pay the tip. Nope. He told me coat check is free. I said I know. I put my tip back in the jar and sidestepped him when he tried to help with my jacket. His department chair and her husband appeared and said that my apartment was on their way and they’d be happy to drive me. I told them they were “hashtag relationship goals” and made an actual hashtag with my fingers.

I was driven home by way of Taco Bell by these very nice strangers. A week later, the guy called to say his work friends loved me and would I like to go out again. I would not.

A few years later, a friend was telling me about a legendary party her school hosted before she got a job there. A girl nobody knew got plastered and told everyone she loved and appreciated them while her boyfriend played the piano at her and drowned out the Christmas music. I did not reveal my identity. Maybe there’re two of us? I hope there’re two of us.

You may also like:
{ 128 comments }
Posted in Uncategorized

update: my interviewer said an employee was unhappy he was interviewing me

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose interviewer said an employee was unhappy he was interviewing her (#3 at the link)? Here’s the update.

What. A. Year.

I took your advice and scheduled another in-person interview that went amazing. The owner was everything I wanted, yet nothing that I expected. After meeting him in person, I quickly realized that this job would be exactly what I wanted and needed, despite some potential pushback. More responsibility, more freedom, more education. After our first in-person interview, he asked that we meet again with his wife (who I assumed was the one who had a problem with me coming on board) and I was pleasantly surprised to find out she was ecstatic to have me come on board. She felt he needed help for a long time. Once I met her, they offered me the job on the spot, and I accepted.

I started in spring and it has been everything I wanted and more. We chatted about the employee who might have a problem with me and he let me know that our jobs wouldn’t really cross, he said she is really good at her job but occasionally helped with some of my tasks prior to me, and he would like to expand and he needs someone in my role full-time. Since then, our relationship has warmed up significantly. I think part of her resistance in the beginning was that she was worried that we would be hiring another person for her to keep an eye on. I feel like she now trusts that she doesn’t have to babysit me and we work well together.

I love everything about my new job. The culture is so different, I went from one place that micromanaged and scrutinized to a place where I am trusted and cherished. It was quite the adjustment at first, I genuinely didn’t know what to do with a boss who trusted that I was working and trusted me to manage my schedule appropriately. It’s been fantastic, the additional responsibility was exactly what I needed and what I had been looking for. Within six weeks, I was getting praise from almost everyone in the company stating how much of an asset I have become. The owner and his wife constantly sing my praises. I received a raise within my first four months.

Now, here is the thing. This job not only changed the trajectory of my life but it SAVED my life. After six weeks here, I had (what I thought) was an irritating consistent issue pop up that ultimately led me to the hospital. Went in for one thing, and during the treatment of what we thought was a completely minor, normal issue, led to me being rushed to another trauma one center and under a severe stroke watch for three weeks. I missed an entire month just six weeks after starting. The whole time I just cried and cried, thinking I would lose my job. My team was so supportive and considerate. I got nice messages from my boss during my healing that helped me with my anxiety and let me actually focus on healing.

I say this job saved my life because my boss was encouraging me to do what I needed to feel better before we even knew about the more serious issue. If I was at my old company, I would’ve never felt comfortable taking time off to go to the hospital, which means they never would have found the main issue. I could have, quite literally, suddenly died on a job site and I firmly believe that the pressure from the bosses would’ve led me to force myself to keep working instead of taking care of myself. Conversations about people faking sick were constant. And one of the reasons i started a job search was because someone high up in the company consistently lied about me missing work. Claiming I missed weekly with illness. Not true, at all. If I was still there, the pressure to perform while ill would have literally killed me.

I have had an exceptional amount of time to think about everything that transpired this year and the course of events that got me to where I am. What happened to me was traumatic, and I am forever changed, but I would have been dead if I had not taken your advice and started in this job. I was ready to run away and stay in my old role because I was too scared. It might sound dramatic, but I am truly lucky and beyond grateful to have been encouraged to trek on with the interview. I am still healing, emotionally and physically, and it will be a long process. But I am here. And that is what matters *sobs hysterically while typing this because of gratitude*.

Thank you so much. To you and your readers. This answer to my question, in a random to everyone but me way, literally saved my life.

You may also like:
{ 44 comments }

update: the black woman who was told to monitor her tone and not dominate conversations

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer who wrote about being a black woman in government who had been told to monitor her tone and not dominate conversations? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

I’m very happy to say that lots of things have changed since I last wrote in and I’m now a manager! I learned some time ago that the “offenses” I caused had highlighted major problems with cross-departmental communications, which are now improving. Also, the anonymous fora confirmed we had poor leaders in our midst. The majority of those people are now gone or otherwise under heavy scrutiny (which I learned in my current role!). We are improving year after year in our evaluations, and I look forward to what the future holds.

My current manager told me that I have a reputation for taking the lead in presenting ideas, and that my contributions often resonate with others. My current role is helping me to continue to home in on my soft skills and confirms what my former manager (who’s now my mentor) had been saying. I believe I’m better at getting results now without alienating others. Even though it was often confusing for me, and painful at times, I suspect I was being groomed for management all along.

Lastly, the training course was a resounding success. My contributions highlighted technical aspects of the work that no one else had prior experience in, and the students were so engaged. I had reservations about my ability to perform, but we had outstanding results.

You may also like:
{ 15 comments }

coworker’s husband punched me after the Christmas party, can I wear burlesque makeup to my office party, and more

by Alison Green on December 24, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Coworker’s husband punched me after the Christmas party

I was recently at an office Christmas party and our spouses were included. There was drinking. Everyone had a very nice time. On the way home in a bus rented by our employer, my coworker’s husband began to fight with her in the back of the bus. It continued to escalate. Suddenly her husband verbally assaulted my husband. He stood up, as did my husband, and pushed his finger into my husband’s chest, yelling profanities. I stepped in to try to mediate, and my coworker’s husband throat punched me (weakly but enough so that it caused me to trip sideways, although I did not get injured). He yelled obscenities at me twice to get out of the way and to shut up while my coworker friend was in tears and apologizing. Our employer and two other men had to physically force the man to the front of the bus to contain the situation.

I am embarrassed and I am so very sorry for my dear coworker, who I know feels humiliated. How am I to go to work on Monday?

You have literally nothing to be embarrassed about! Your coworker’s husband assaulted you, and with zero provocation. The only thing you need to worry about is whether your coworker/friend is okay, because her husband is scary.

She’s undoubtedly mortified and wondering how she is going to be able to go to work on Monday, even though she didn’t do anything wrong either. Neither of you did. Her husband is the only person to blame for what happened.

Go to work as normal, and ask how she’s doing. Tell her you don’t blame her and your main concern is if she’s okay. (If you’re close enough, and especially if she doesn’t seem surprised by her husband’s rage, consider asking if she feels safe at home. There’s info here that might be helpful.)

People will probably ask how you’re doing as well, and you can answer that however you want — “shaken up,” “recovering,” “hanging in,” “mainly worried about how Jane’s doing,” or whatever you’re comfortable with.

– 2019

2. Can I wear burlesque hair and makeup to my office party?

So I have a glittery quandary. I’m an amateur burlesque dancer. We do shows a few times a year, and each show usually comes with a professional photoshoot for promotional purposes. I also have a full-time, serious professional job that is not soaked in glitter.

This year, the day of our photoshoot is the same day as our company’s annual Christmas party. Because of scheduling, I’m the last one in the afternoon, and I won’t have much time between shoot and party. People do dress up for these parties, and they’re actually a lot of fun, with a live band, open bar, draw prizes, secret Santa, and a meal. The photoshoot, meanwhile, is 1970s themed. My hair is going to be giant, and my makeup is basically as if a disco ball sneezed on my face. Not to mention the lashes and general glitter (which often ends up being craft glitter stuck all over your body with hairspray). In life, I don’t generally wear a lot of makeup or do much of anything with my hair, so it’s a big departure. (I’m actually having both professionally done for the shoot. Prior to getting into burlesque I didn’t own a hairbrush, so that’s the level we’re dealing with here.)

Is it going to be weird if I show up to the party full disco realness? The alternative is a hurried shower between the two to tame my hair, and showing up with wet hair and my usual minimal makeup. If I don’t take off the makeup and hair … should I dress down to tone it down? Or lean into the 70s harder? It’s not a secret at all that I do burlesque, but I don’t usually parade it around the office!

Is there any possibility of getting your photoshoot moved earlier in the day if you explain the situation? It sounds like other people have earlier slots, and if you can trade with someone, that might be your best bet here.

But if that’s not an option … Well, it depends on your office. Is your office one where showing up with giant hair and glitter would seem inappropriate/out of place/tone-deaf? If it’s a pretty uptight crowd and people are likely to frown on this — or even if it’s just likely to get you marked as the Kooky One in a way that you don’t want/could harm your reputation — I’d go with the hurried shower in between. But if your office is pretty relaxed and people won’t care — or would even get a kick out of it — then hell, it’s a party and you can go for it. But it’s very much a “know your office” situation.

– 2018

3. My boss wants to play Cards Against Humanity at a work party

I work at a modest size nonprofit (about 50 employees). We’re supposed to be having an employee gathering after hours, to boost morale, build connections, and all of that sort of thing.

Fine, okay, and sure, it’s probably something that we could use. The problem is that our executive director just RSVPed that she’s going to bring Cards Against Humanity, Draw What?! and Drunk Stoned or Stupid as party games.

Am I crazy for thinking these would be hugely inappropriate? It seems obvious to me that nobody would be comfortable playing these games with their bosses and coworkers, but maybe I’m just projecting. If I’m not crazy, how would you mention to your boss that you’re pretty sure people are going to be uncomfortable and lose respect for her professional judgement if she does try to get folks to play these at a work event?

Yeah, all three of these are incredibly inappropriate for work. I only know Cards Against Humanity, but I looked up the other two (and have added links to explanations of all of them for readers) and wow no. Cards Against Humanity is notoriously inappropriate for work (it’s basically X-rated — filled with cards about sex, race, religion, child abuse, and more), and Draw What?! sounds highly sexualized and Drunk Stoned or Stupid sounds incredibly mean and ill-advised.

Your manager has truly terrible judgment. Is this the first sign of that or have there been others? I’m betting there have been others.

I’d write back, “I’d be really uncomfortable playing any of these games with coworkers, and I think a lot of people would feel the same. Plus, there’s actual legal liability with some of these in a work context, given some of the cards in Cards Against Humanity about sex and religion. Can we skip these?” If you don’t feel comfortable saying that to her directly, go to whoever has her ear and will be willing to say it (the org’s second-in-command or so forth).

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

4. Can I ask for my old desk back?

A year ago, I took a temporary role at another location in my company (same city.) It was always known that this role was temporary. While it was likely that I would return to my original role, that was never a guarantee.

When I started at the company, they were going through a big ergonomics push and they were encouraging new employees to complete a health screening that would then allow us to order supportive office chairs, better keyboards, etc. I did it for the chair, but they also allowed (and encouraged me to get) a sit/stand desk. This is just a small extra desk that fits inside the cubicles and can hold two monitors and not much else.

When I changed jobs, I was able to take my chair but not my desk because the place I was going to had a fancy new open floor plan where all of the desks were fully sit/stand. Eventually someone else took over my old cubicle as well as my sit/stand desk.

Now I’m going back to that job and I really want my desk back (it’s simple enough to move the desk from cube to cube.) I currently spend over half my day standing and I have terrible posture when sitting, so standing really helps my neck (which has issues due to a previous surgery.) It only helps because of the posture thing, so I don’t think this raises to the level of ADA accommodation. However, I feel kind of petty for asking, mainly because almost no one in that group has sit/stand desks. Soon after I got mine, they stopped allowing ergonomic furniture orders. Apparently, I just got really lucky with my timing of when I was hired.

My current thought is to simply ask the other employee if I can have my desk back, but not to push the issue if she says no. I’m also worried that even asking might make me sound petty, because she never had an option to order one. What’s the best way to approach this without coming across as whiny? I’m not always the best at avoiding social land mines.

Unfortunately, I think it’s probably hers now and you don’t really have dibs on it, just like you wouldn’t if she had inherited your old office space or your old keyboard. It moved on when you moved on.

The most you could really do is to ask her — with genuine curiosity, not in a tone of possessiveness — how she’s liking it. If she responds with enthusiasm about it, you definitely need to back off at that point. But if she says she doesn’t really care for it or doesn’t use it that much, at that point you could say something like, “If you really don’t like it, I’d love to take it back and use it again.”

– 2018

You may also like:
{ 56 comments }

updates: employee chews tobacco at his desk, old school’s awful mentoring program, and more

by Alison Green on December 23, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. Employee is chewing tobacco at his desk and in meetings (#3 at the link)

The advice did help!

I had to reinforce the policy before getting your advice, and I don’t think I was assertive enough since I did notice he was still doing it, but only at his desk. When addressing the issue the second time, I took your advice and told him straight, “You can’t do that on company property, only at the designated space and during break time.” This time, it worked, as I haven’t witnessed it since!

This employee has a different personality, almost teenager-like. He doesn’t seem truly interested in growing and learning, but he still asks how he can get more money. I have tried to follow the standard leadership routines to get him somewhat motivated: meeting with him weekly for 30 minutes, meeting monthly for 1 hour for feedback and goal reviews, talking about career aspirations, taking the team to lunch for birthdays, etc.

I’m not sure if sometimes you just can’t create the connection and must deal with the non-motivation. (He always has an excuse to work from home when he should be working in the office: back pain, moving, cold, headache, etc.; forwarding me requests without really looking into them first.)

Thank you again for all you do! Your advice is greatly appreciated!

2. Contacting kids of family friends about career opportunities

I’m finally heeding the update call since my question popped up again in the Inc. archives refresh!

So. A day or so after I called and got laughed at and hung up on (and wrote into AAM), my friend emailed me in a panic saying that she had sent me the wrong number by one digit. Ahh! Ahahahaha! Makes so much more sense now! (Though I wish I knew who I’d ended up calling instead …)

After that, I emailed her son the details, per Alison’s suggestion. He thanked me and then proceeded to forge his own path as a thriving software engineer.

In the spirit of learning from AAM, I haven’t done any cold calls or sent any unsolicited career leads to friends’ kids since.

However … though it wasn’t a useful career lead for my friend’s son (or for the stranger I totally did robocall), it ended up being a super fruitful path for me. Turns out, I was fired up because I would’ve wanted the opportunity myself. A year later, that chance popped up. I’ve since co-authored a book with the founder of the college grad program and helped him launch a company to help those advancing social justice and care/support for others here and around the globe. He’s been by far the best boss I’ve ever worked for. I still can’t believe my luck.

Anyway, I hope you’re well. I’m forever grateful to you for continuing to be a voice of reason during these 9+ years of @&!?.

3. My old high school started a mentoring program and it sucks (#3 at the link)

Ultimately, I did not opt out of the program. Whether or not my message to Alan had anything to do with it, I at least stopped receiving messages from Alan asking me and dozens of alum on a CC line to do the labor of reaching out to students. I only received messages directly from students and alum who were interested in talking to me. Of course, Alan still posts on this site and uses some kind of tagging mechanic to invite every alum to every event they’re hosting, even if it’s not in my geographic area or my field. So I get tons of email that I frankly consider barely better than spam from this program. So, good job making the people you’re asking favors of do the labor of weeding through the email to figure out if the latest message is an invitation to the Llama Grooming Meetup in Antartica, or a kid who had enough courage to ask for mentorship.

But fast forward to … literally the day you emailed me asking for an update, and I received an email from Alan, asking me to contact a high school alumni who is a COLLEGE GRADUATE to talk to them about attending a graduate program in my field. I simply responded that I’m happy to talk to the student or any other student, but I prefer to let students reach out to me if they’re interested in talking to me. I don’t know that’s it’s my duty to correct Alan, and I don’t know that it would help. So … the program still sucks. But I feel reluctant to penalize kids who may or may not want to get into a challenging field just because the management of this program sucks.

4. Coworker talks about his religion all the time

God is real! My physical relocation inside the office took longer than expected due to some hiring hiccups, then the religious dudebro left the company within days of me moving into my new space. Sorry it’s not very climactic, but it could not have been more exciting for me personally! And he left of his own volition, so I felt zero guilt for internally celebrating his departure. Thank you again for answering my question, but it resolved itself before I needed to implement your advice!

5. What to do when peers constantly miss scheduled meetings (#2 at the link)

Way back in 2013, you answered a question about colleagues missing meetings and failing to provide information I needed to do my job. You and the commenters had excellent tips, but the problem boiled down to working in a dysfunctional organization that prided itself on being a big family, with gossip, black sheep, skeletons in the closet, and all. I couldn’t get information and I was criticized for moving forward with my best guesses. Millions of dollars were on the line for projects that helped students and underserved community members. My writing was used as a model by one of our federal funders.

Things got much, much worse. The new manager I mentioned in the comments had been the fifth choice for that position. She did not understand my job. She put me on a PIP with no end date and no measurable outcomes or changes. She pulled up the job description I HAD WRITTEN as evidence that I had been failing, although a previous manager documented how well I’d met all the objectives. Etc. I’d been told my communication was too terse, with no examples, and then commanded to survey everyone I’d worked with on projects. Fortunately, their responses were glowing. I asked for HR mediation with my manager, and we were told we just had different communication styles and to maybe take a Myers-Briggs or something.

I had been unhappy for some time and tired of the work itself, but I had no idea what I wanted to do. Then a close family member nearly died in front of me, and I thought about the idea of working in health care. I toughed it out at the organization on the never-ending PIP and tried to fund a few crucial projects dear to me. I also used my tuition benefits and took as many science classes as I could. Ironically, I was able to take a class for free that had been funded by my own grant a few years prior, and that set me up to (eventually) refuse to sign a horrific contract. I was begged and courted to stay on for one more multi-million dollar project, although I wanted to be done. I agonized over whether to take it on. When I reluctantly got back to them with a timeline and high but fair consulting fee, I was told they’d decided to go with someone else (my stomach had been in knots thinking about doing it). Before I left, I tried to schedule time to hand off my work for weeks. Just as I was walking out, box in hand, the person who would be managing it showed up. I told the terrible manager that I hope she appreciated what I’d been talking about.

After more hard work and harder classes, I was accepted into a competitive PA school, and I’ve been working in medicine for almost five years. I love my specialty and the people I get to work with. Thanks to the ordeal, I have a much more realistic view of organizational and systemic problems as well as understanding of what I can change and what is worth changing my own situation for.

You may also like:
{ 21 comments }