Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee bcc’d me on a frustrated email to her boss, who I manage

I supervise a team of staff, and one of the workers wrote an unhappy note to her direct boss and that person’s supervisor (I supervise them all) and bcc’d me. I did not realize it was bcc (Outlook!) and forwarded the note back to the lead and asked to meet with her, as I was concerned. She asked me how I got the email. I am not too technical, but at that point I saw it. So I called all three of them in and asked the person never to bcc, and tried to clear the air. Obviously both she and her supervisor felt a lack of trust, but I just can’t run an office with people complaining in emails to their bosses and bcc’ing me. It felt like she was saying, “Mommy, look what they are doing to me.” They were not doing anything out of the ordinary by the way, just asking her to account for her work responsibilities, which everyone does.

Was I wrong? This person and her supervisor cannot seem to get along, communicate — should I reassign them?

Is her supervisor competent? A good manager? Do you trust her judgment? If so, you should trust her to manage the situation with her employee herself. Reassigning someone who doesn’t like being held accountable (which is what the situation sounds like) would undermine the manager and reinforce problematic behavior. And actually, so does calling in the three of them to meet with you in response to that email. You should have met with the manager to find out what was going on, and once you found out that she had the situation under control, allowed her to handle it on her own.

Let your managers manage. If their staff bypass them and come straight to you, you should redirect them back to the manager, unless it’s something very serious, like reports of harassment, legitimate complaints about the manager, or other wrongdoing.

2. Do I really have to keep in touch with my horrible managers?

I left a job that I really hated about a year ago. Your columns helped me recognize that I was in a bad situation and gave great advice on navigating it until I found a better offer.

I had two bosses that owned the company (it was small – only 4 full-time employees, including them) and were kind of slave drivers who offered very low salary, almost no time off, and skimpy benefits. I also disliked them personally but never made that known and left the company on decent terms, despite some tension when I first gave my notice.

Since leaving, I’ve visited twice but don’t really have any interest in keeping in touch since the work environment was so awful. Should I suck it up and keep in touch anyway? I know that I’ll always have a great reference from my coworker, the fourth employee at the company, but also know it’s important to keep past manager contacts as well. The thought of having to talk to them again is just really unappealing, as the first two visits were pretty uncomfortable….one of my old managers never passes an opportunity to make a condescending verbal jab. The last day of that job was one of the best days of my life so far, so should I just leave that chapter in the past and rely on my coworker reference later on?

You shouldn’t rely on a coworker reference; most employers want references from managers and won’t put nearly as much weight on one from someone who didn’t manage you.

But keeping in touch doesn’t mean stopping by to visit the office! Good god, no. It means connecting to them on LinkedIn, and at most sending the very occasional “how’s stuff going / here’s an article that made me think of you” email. You don’t even have to do that though; you just need to be sure that you know how to find them in the future if they move on (which is what LinkedIn helps with).

3. Does HR need a private office?

I was recently appointed in our family business to take over all of the HR responsibilities. Previously, the responsibilities had be dispersed among multiple individuals. I have minimal direct HR experience but have worked in management for some large corporations, so I have a good idea about processes and procedures. I believe for me to be successful and do my job well, I need to have an office that meets the HR best practices. I have not been able to find any documentation about HR office “requirements,” but I was hoping to find something addressing the need for space for HR files to kept and locked and a place where an employee can speak to me in privacy. Currently, files are scattered about, some are locked, some are not. I do not have a private office where someone can come speak to me or even to fill out paperwork. I feel that these things are necessary to have.

My father (the boss) would like to grant me an office but thinks he is spoiling or giving his daughter “anything she wants”; I think he should be looking at it as giving the HR manager an office. He likes facts and if he can present the team with facts that supports HR needs, that would be a huge help.

Yes, it’s crucial for HR to have private office space because some of the work involves discussing sensitive and confidential issues. No one is going to make a sexual harassment complaint or discuss their plans to fire an employee in an open office in front of others. You also need room for locked files (there’s going to be tons of confidential employee information in there and those can’t be available to whoever wants to riffle through them).

The only way I could see HR not having a private office is if you’re really just doing benefits administration and that kind of thing — none of the people issues. If that’s the case, you could get away with just having locking filing cabinets somewhere else. But if you’re doing any of the people stuff, you need privacy.

I don’t have anything official I can refer you to that says this — but if your dad isn’t convinced by this, it might be a sign of likely future problems in working with each other.

4. Do reference checkers consider the possibility that a reference is lying?

I have a former employer who is deliberately lying about to potential employers about what kind of worker I was. I won’t go into detail about what the lies are because it’s not relevant and not pertaining to my actual questions. There are steps I’ve taken to try to get him to stop doing this and he has ignored them at every turn….. so I’m currently taking legal action against him.

The way I’ve been handling this is I’ve been tell the potential employers the honest truth. That this person is lying about me and if you call them you will get falsified negative information. I tell them I can prove the feedback is 100% false [and I can] and if they have any concerns, talk to me. I present myself in a very professional way when I do this.

….I’m still looking for work

My actual question is. When employers call to check for references, do they even consider the possibility that the former employer is lying? Is it always assumed that employers are saints and employees conniving liars? It just seems to me that when hiring someone, you might risk losing a really good person for the job by always ALWAYS siding with the former employer without doing any fact checking what-so-ever.

Good reference checkers aren’t overly swayed by a single reference. They look at patterns. If you have two or three other great references and then this one lying guy, a good reference checker isn’t going to take his word as gospel. I’d focus on coming up with as many other strong references as you can, to counteract whatever’s up with this guy.

5. Turning down an offer to return to my old company

I recently left my company after 12 years. There were ups and downs and two mergers in total that I made it through. Recently we merged again with another company that I was well aware had a reputation of overworking employees, too much management, etc. I decided to leave after just 3 months of the latest merger. I had a great offer in the same line of work from a competitor and decided to take the leap. It was a hard decision in some ways, but I really was miserable with the direction we were headed in.

Yesterday my regional manager from the old company emailed me and asked how I was doing and wanting to know if I would consider coming back. She admitted to mistakes management made and said she considered me leaving a big loss. I really have no interest in going back, but don’t want to burn a bridge either. She’s expecting a response. Any advice how to handle this?

It’s not burning a bridge to turn down an offer. Just explain that you’re happy here at your new job and want to fulfill your commitment to to your new employer, but that you really appreciate her reaching out, hope all is well with them, etc.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I bring my boyfriend to my company’s family events?

My company holds several events throughout the year (like a crab dinner and race) for employees and their families. I am a single 29-year-old woman with no kids, so showing up solo to these family events seems a little awkward. I do have a serious boyfriend. Do you think it would be okay to bring him to events? Should I ask for permission? I’ve only shown up to one event so far, which was a race, and some people did show up alone there. I’m not sure about the dinner events.

I have serious social anxiety (and that’s a whole different can of worms), so more likely it would mean going with him vs. not going at all.

If these events are explicitly for employees and their families, I’d think it would be fine to bring your boyfriend! If you feel weird about it, just ask your boss or a coworker whose judgment you trust — but I’d be really surprised if it were an issue.

2. I’m scared to resign because my boss will explode

I have been at my current job for almost four years. When I started at this company, the boss I am working for owned the company and asked that I give her six months notice. I was shocked then, but I had no plans on leaving so I agreed. About a year ago the company changed ownership, but my boss still stayed and not much really changed except she was no longer signing my checks.

Now it is time for me to leave as I have no more growth potential (and haven’t had any for the past 3+ years) and I am ready for a change. PLUS she has been over managing me and demeaning me for years and I have finally hit my limit. Good news is that I have a pending new offer with growth potential, a raise, and better benefits but I am scared she will go ballistic on me. When I have seen previous employees leave and give their two weeks she called them “unprofessional” amongst other rude names and is horribly mean to them. To top all of this off, she will be on vacation in a few weeks and my two weeks notice may run into that vacation (she is gone for three weeks) as well. This complicates things even more as I manage her bills/home/life while she is out.

I am trying to do what is best for me without burning any bridges. Should I turn down this offer because I am scared? The new company may be flexible enough to give me an extra week but that wouldn’t be much help as she will already be on vacation.

Take the offer. Six months notice is absolutely unrealistic in most fields, and frankly anything more than two weeks is unrealistic with a boss who behaves like this one does. You know she’s going to react badly, so just brace yourself for it and let her explode. If she crosses any lines you’re not comfortable with, say this: “I very much want to work these final two weeks and leave things in good shape, but I’m not willing to be talked to this way. We either need to work together civilly, or today will need to be my last day.”

It’s really not your problem that she’s on vacation for part of your notice period. Give two weeks notice and don’t be talked into giving more.

Under no circumstances should you turn down this offer simply because you’re scared! Being scared that your boss will explode at a completely normal part of doing business is all the more reason to get the hell out of there.

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Store manager is charging employees for mistakes to fund a dinner for herself and the company owner

A girlfriend of mine has a full-time job but also works part-time for a large luggage company in retail sales. Recently, the manager of her store has begun to “charge” employees money for what she (the manager) refers to as poor performance issues, like if ann employee does not dust or sweep or merchandise isn’t displayed properly or someone has incorrect paperwork, etc.

She claims that the manager intends to use the funds collected to take the owner of the company out to dinner, solely to ingratiate herself with the company heads. She has collected quite a sum to date. I believe this is tantamount to extortion and is in all likelihood, illegal.

It doesn’t sound like extortion, just bad management and possibly a huge violation of the company’s own policies.

Whether or not it’s legal will depend on your state law. Federal law only says that your employer can’t make any pay deductions for things like errors if it would bring your pay below minimum wage. But many states forbid employers from docking pay for this sort of work error, sometimes unless you’ve provided your explicit consent. (Of course, if you refuse, they could discipline or fire you, so it’s hard to say how much that really counts for.)

If I worked there, I’d contact the regional manager or whoever the next step up from the store manager is to check whether they’re okay with this being done; it’s highly likely that they are not.

(Also, the whole “taking the company owner to dinner with the funds” thing is really weird — because it’s obnoxious for the obvious reasons, of course, but also because few company owners would let an employee pick up the check in that situation anyway.)

4. A question about two recent letters

Ok, so at the risk of looking a bit obtuse, I am going to draw a parallel between this week’s post about the woman who received trash as a “gift” and the woman from last week who was looking up her coworkers’ deceased relatives and sharing obituaries, personal details, etc. Everyone was more or less in agreement that the professional response to the latter was something along the lines of, “Jane, I’m sure you were trying to be kind, but this is hurtful. Please don’t share my personal info.”

This post about the garbage is interesting to me because I see people being rude and thoughtless to someone in pain. In this case, it sounds like people think it’s more acceptable to say, “What gift? I only got garbage” and let the rude offender face their own awkwardness.

What is the delineating factor? If anything, I feel like the obituary lady is worse that the garbage-givers, who may have been trying to get a laugh out of OP. I think both are bullying and inappropriate, so I don’t understand handling them differently. Could you clarify if you have a moment? I would really like to understand the nuance here.

It’s about the difference in what the letter-writer wanted to get out of each interaction.

With the person digging up details about deaths in coworkers’ families, the goal was to get her to stop, with a minimum of tension. It’s not that what she’s doing isn’t hurtful or that it shouldn’t be called out; it’s that in work relationships, when you want someone to take a specific action, it’s usually more productive to start out from a position of assuming good (or at least not bad) intent. You can always escalate from there if you need to, but there’s no reason to not start out in a place that lets the person save face if that can get you the solution you need.

With the garbage-givers,  “I’m sure you were trying to be funny, but this is hurtful” is certainly an option (and in fact, one of the options I suggested in the post was directly saying that it was cruel). But it really depends on what the letter-writer’s goal is. She may want to say that, or she might not feel like making it into A Big Deal in the way that a more flippant “what gift? you gave me garbage” doesn’t.

Additionally, in that first case, you’re making a direct request (“please don’t share my personal info”), so you need to be direct about what you’re asking for going forward. In the second case, there’s no need to really ask for anything; you’re just letting them know that you’re not amused.

While we’re revisiting recent letters, I want to say that I erred in not immediately telling last week’s letter-writer who had racked up $20,000 in personal debt on a company credit card to talk to a lawyer. I appreciate that commenters pointed out that need, and I added it to the post, but I want to acknowledge the initial oversight.

5. Responding when an interview is delayed due to the interviewer’s family emergency

I have a question about professionalism and unexpected emergencies during the application process. A third-round interview for a position I am very excited about has been repeatedly delayed over the past few weeks. The manager who I was scheduled to meet with is out of the office for a yet-undetermined amount of time dealing with a family health emergency, according to the HR rep I have been corresponding with during the scheduling process. I am unsure how to respond politely–my gut sense is that I shouldn’t get too personal, especially since I’m not in touch with the manager himself. Yet simply thanking them for the update and expressing my continued interest seems cold/gauche. Is including an “I’m sorry to hear that” overstepping?

Not at all. That’s a perfectly reasonable and kind thing to say. Overstepping would be sending a sympathy card or sending multiple emails expressing your concern that everything is alright or going into detail about your own difficult experience with family health issues — but including one sympathetic line in an email about the business at hand is totally appropriate.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Changing into workout clothes at the office

I’ve been working here for 10+ years, but recently started going to a local yoga studio. The studio has inadequate changing facilities for the after-work classes, and my workplace is generally relaxed about health/fitness (for example, my boss sometimes jogs during lunch, so he leaves the building in jogging clothes and comes back gross; we have showers though!).

Normally I would just follow my boss’s example and think it’s fine, but yoga clothing tends to be tight and I’m obese (over 200 lbs at 5’3″). Is showing my fat as I walk to my car (CLEARLY dressed for a workout) unprofessional?

If others are doing it, especially your boss, I’d say it’s fine. I’m not going to pretend that there isn’t sometimes a double standard where things that are okay on one body type are suddenly considered objectionable on another body type, because I know that happens. But we’re talking about workout clothes while you’re on your way out of the office at night, in an office where there’s already been a precedent set — so I think it’ll be fine.

2. My interviewer was trying to figure out my age

This week during an interivew at a well-known, privately held biopharma company, the hiring manager asked me, “When did you graduate from college?”

I thought this was odd and could indicate he was trying to find out my age (I’m in my 50s but look much younger). I danced around the question without actually answering it. But he would not let it go and kept asking it more directly (“How long and where did you work after college?” and “In what year did you graduate?”). My resume indicates only the last 10 years of experience which is directly related to this job.

What is the best way to avoid answering a potentially illegal question around age, race, sexual orientation, whatever? Should you call them on it or dance around it? Thirty minutes into the interview (shortly after asking me the loaded collge questions), he abruptly ended the interview saying he didn’t want to waste my time. I’m not sorry because I would not have taken this job given the hiring manager’s interview tactics.

I would have asked this guy directly, “Why do you ask?” You want to say it in a friendly way, not adversarially, but being direct about it might have gotten him off that line of questioning (or not, depending on how shameless he was). In other cases where you’re being asked about things like age, marital status, parenthood, religion, or so forth, sometimes you can figure out what they’re really getting at and answer that instead of the direct question. (For instance, if you think they’re concerned that parenthood will get in the way of your job performance, you could say something like, “There’s nothing that would interfere with my ability to work the hours needed and get the job done.”)

By the way, despite widespread belief to the contrary, asking the question itself isn’t illegal — but basing a hiring decision on your answer would be, which is why smart employer don’t ask this kind of thing.

3. Asking to interview by Skype instead of in-person

I recently went to Austin for an interview. I want to find a job there before relocating, because it would be easier, financially speaking. Please give me tips on how to ask for interviews via Skype, because last trip was extremely expensive.

I’m a big believer that people should do phone interviews before ever traveling from out-of-town for an interview, because so often a phone interview will reveal that it’s not a match and will save the time and expense of traveling. I think employers should be phone-interviewing everyone before in-person interviews, but it’s especially crucial for non-local candidates.

That said, it sounds like you want to only interview by Skype. Some employers may agree to that, but others aren’t going to — they’re going to want to interview you in person, at least at some point in the hiring process. Plus, even among those who agree, it may put you at a disadvantage; most people don’t build the same rapport over Skype that they will in person.

The reality is, you’re already at a disadvantage for most jobs since you’re not local (unless you’re pretty senior or in an extremely in-demand field). I wouldn’t give yourself more obstacles. This is part of searching for a job long-distance; you generally need to make it as easy as possible on employers or risk getting written off in favor of local candidates.

4. My manager and my manager’s boss are married

I just recently had a change in management, and I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to my new director. My SVP (director’s boss) informed me that she is always available to talk to if needed, but I recently found out that my SVP and director are married! I didn’t see any policy against it in our company handbook, but is there a standard protocol for working with coworkers who are married to one another? I don’t really feel comfortable going to either of them now that I know they’re married to one another.

It’s up to the company to decide if they want to allow this or not — but it’s really, really bad practice to let someone manage someone who they’re married to, for all the reasons I talk about here. And yeah, of course you wouldn’t feel comfortable going to your manager’s boss about issues with your manager since they’re married — you wouldn’t be able to assume it would handled impartially or even confidentially. It’s weird that your company allowed it.

5. Cancer follow-up appointments when starting a new job

I am a Stage 4 colon cancer survivor and my disease is stable. I look and feel healthy and even work out at the gym most mornings before work. My current employer has been incredibly supportive and understanding when it comes to doctor appointments, as I was diagnosed while in this job.

I just landed my dream job and start a week from today. I made no mention of my health situation during the interview process, but am concerned about how to handle upcoming doctor appointments. I’m seen by my oncologist every 3 months, and my next appointment is scheduled for less than 2 months into my new job. Where possible, I can try to schedule my appointments very early so there won’t be a conflict, but that won’t always be doable, including this next appointment. How do I handle this without raising concerns with my new employer?

A medical appointment every three months is so infrequent that it’s unlikely to even come up as an issue — you can just leave it at “I have a medical appointment on Tuesday so may be a little late” and that will be that. No one is likely to even blink. But if the appointments were much more frequent, you’d just say something like, “I have a doctor’s appointment every two weeks — is there a day of the week that’s better for me to schedule them on, or a day that I should definitely make sure they’re not scheduled for?” (This is basically what people do for any kind of standing medical appointment — therapy, allergy shots, physical therapy, or whatever. There’s no need to give details about what it’s for!)