Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I have to respond to a request for help from someone I can’t stand?

There’s a woman a few years younger than me (i’m in my mid-30’s, she’s in her late 20’s) who is a friend of my parents through a church community, but who, simply put, irks the heck out of me. There are a number of little personality things that she does that get under my skin, so I just try to avoid her in my personal life. I’ll call her Monica.

At my most recent former job, Monica ended up interning while she worked on her Master’s degree. She talked over people, interrupted my director while he was talking to vendors, and offering up ideas as solutions, and this was the first meeting she had ever had in our office. I read your article on annoying coworkers, and Monica is both an “interrupter” and a “know-it-all.” My director didn’t correct her (he’s a super nice guy and is great at avoiding what he sees as unnecessary conflict/criticism). She also had a tendency to show up to the office wearing inappropriately short dresses, spending all day tugging at the bottom of them to cover herself.

Because I knew I had personal issues with Monica, I tried to put all of that aside and work with her in a professional manner. But even trying to get along, I just can’t get past being annoyed with her.

I am now at a new firm in a new position, working with someone who is a mutual friend with Monica, and who thinks the world of her. Monica is now applying for a job with this new company. I don’t expect to be working directly with her, so I think I can keep up my keep-to-myself policy and not be overly annoyed with her. However, I just received a message via LinkedIn from her asking me for advice as she prepares for her interview. Normally, I’d suck it up and hold my nose while I replied with something helpful. (It’s not Monica’s fault she gets so under my skin.) But, she spelled my name wrong in the message, which is ridiculous, considering this was through a networking site where my name is clearly written right in front of her! (On the other hand, I have an unusual name and NEVER take it personally when someone misspells it, which makes me think it’s really all about her.)

My professionalism is slipping and I really just want to pretend like I never even received this request. How terrible would I be if I just ignored her request for help over this mistake? I feel like it just goes back to the overall feeling I get from her that she thinks she is better than everyone, and therefore, doesn’t need to pay attention to the details.

I’m not a fan of ignoring a direct request like this from someone you know, but I also don’t think you’re obligated to help her get a job at your company when you don’t want to work with her. One option is to reply back with something like, “Unfortunately, my schedule is packed this week and I don’t think I’d be of much help, but good luck!” Frankly, you could also wait until after the interview and reply that you realize it’s too late to be helpful. Neither of these will feel especially kind, but you’re really not obligated to help her get a job when you don’t think she would be a good coworker.

I actually think the bigger thing here is that you have legitimate, work-related reasons for not thinking she’d be a good hire and you should be sharing them with the hiring manager. If I were the hiring manager, I’d absolutely want to know what your experience working with her was (probably limited to the interrupting and poor interpersonal skills and not about the short dresses).

2. My coworker asked us if we’d support him becoming our team lead

I work on a team that has seen key individuals leave my company within the last few months. It has left the remaining of us a bit confused and overwhelmed with picking up the pieces as we try to cover the departed employees’ responsibilities.

Recently, one of my colleagues called a meeting with those of us who remain. My colleague wanted to get our thoughts and feedback about whether we would support his efforts in becoming the new team lead so he could then approach the director about a potential new role. We were asked point-blank.

I did not answer the question directly because I did not feel like this person is fit to be in this new position. (There are several reasons behind this, mostly because I do not believe he has done his fair share of the workload even before anyone quit, is not reliable because he or someone in his family is constantly sick, and periodically sends email blasts that are unprofessional). Instead, I simply told him that he should have this conversation with the director because the director had previously told me his own vision of rebuilding the team.

Is this an appropriate answer? How else could I have answered this? I didn’t want to be rude but I didn’t want to just say, “Yes, totally, of course I support you being our new team lead” when I felt entirely the opposite.

Your answer was perfectly fine — better than fine, considering that you were put on the spot and in an awkward position. Other options could have been “Hmmm, that’s interesting, I’d want to think about it” or “I’m not sure — I’d want to hear more about your plans for the role” or even, if you were comfortable saying it, “I’m not sure I see you in that role, but I’d be glad to think about it.”

3. Paging a coworker with his first, middle, and last names

We have a paging system at work that we constantly use to page coworkers to locate them on the floor. I recently paged a coworker by his full name — first, middle and last. I then got in trouble with my manager and was told it was unprofessional. The reason we know his middle name is because he has told us. I was really confused when I was told not to do it and got reprimanded. Can you shed some light on this for me?

I’m guessing your manager assumed you were joking around (since that’s what it sounds like to me), and doesn’t want the paging system used for mirth.

4. Listing one-time volunteer work on a resume

Is there a way to appropriately list one-time volunteer experiences on a resume?

I do consistently volunteer with one organization and have that listed, but every once in a while I do a one-time thing: I helped out at a local Rotary event for “breakfast with the Easter Bunny,” both helping with raffle tickets, and actually being the bunny; I’ve cooked food at a local Ronald McDonald House; etc.

On the one hand, I completely understand if it’s not appropriate to list those things. I just don’t want to short change myself, either.

I’d leave them off. They do demonstrate community involvement, but they’re so short-term that they don’t really rise to the level of resume-worthy.

5. Update: Can I ask to work from home for a few days if I can’t stop crying?

Remember the letter-writer in January who was wondering about asking to work from home for a few days because she was facing a possible break-up and couldn’t stop crying (#2 at the link)? Here’s her update.

The request to work from home wasn’t approved, but not for any reasons personal to me. There’s been some general “cracking down” on folks working remotely past their typical one day a week schedule, and so I was asked to stick with my normal schedule if I could — that said, my boss suggested I use any sick or vacation time I needed. So I did that, and in doing so, realized I needed some general larger-scale help with my emotions.

As I was going through this breakup, my long-present-but-dormant depression and anxiety were really starting to pop up. I ended up taking leave for a month to attend an intensive outpatient treatment for people with depression and anxiety, and I can’t tell you what a relief it was to have the time and space to focus on just getting better.

Anyway, I’m in a much better place now — a single place, but a place where I have many more tools in my toolbox to handle my up and down emotions when they swing too far in either direction. Thanks to you and to your readers for the advice and support.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Is “FYI” rude?

Is FYI considered rude in a work email?

In general, no. But there are always weird workplaces out there where something perfectly normal is considered rude, and if you’re working in one of them, it’s good to be aware of that.

And of course, the way you’re using it matters. “I did your work since you were nowhere to be found, FYI” sounds snarky. “The information about the phone system below is just FYI” is perfectly appropriate. “FYI” at the top of an email you’re forwarding to fill someone in on something should be perfectly appropriate, but I can imagine that there are some offices where that would feel overly brusque if you didn’t add in a line about why you were sending it — again, you need to know your culture.

2. Coworker’s girlfriend keeps hanging out in his office

I am writing about a similar issue you raise in this post (“coworker’s husband hangs out in our office every afternoon”). This time there’s no snuggling, and the reasons the girlfriend stops in are reasonable (lunch, birthday, his car was rear ended). Today she stayed for 1.5 hours. They kept the door to his office open. At one point they were going over flashcards for her schoolwork. This was from 3:00-4:30.

What is the etiquette here? I am not his direct supervisor, but I am above him in title and supervise others in the office. We work for admissions at a university and while accepted students are protected by law I don’t believe prospects are. Still, we discuss transcripts and items with personal info that a non-employee shouldn’t see.

Our supervisor is the type who avoids any kind of conflict and doesn’t address people-stuff head on. The culture is somewhat relaxed. I am wondering if it’s even worth mentioning. I believe I am justified to think it’s wrong to allow her to stay but am looking for your and other perspectives.

Yeah, that’s ridiculous. Hanging around his office for an hour and a half? Doing flashcards for her schoolwork? It’s unprofessional and it doesn’t reflect well on his work ethic; that’s a lot of time for him not to be working. I’m more concerned about that than I am about her seeing students’ information, although that’s a concern too.

This is really for his manager to deal with, but if you have the kind of seniority where you could give him a pointed, concerned look as you pass his office, I’m grinch-like enough to do that.

3. Who should announce my promotion to my team?

I have been working for my dream org for about seven months. I was a manager previously in a somewhat different industry, so I very willingly took an entry-level position there. My manager (who was amazing) recently left the organization for a higher level position, but before she did, she sought me out and asked me to apply for her position.

So I did, and they just offered it to me (hurray)! However, both HR and my now-direct-manager have asked me to wait to tell my team. My now-manager is going to come into our office and announce it to everyone, and I am uncomfortable with that. I would really prefer to get my team together and tell them myself; I don’t want them to think I was hiding it from them (I just wanted to be sure I had the job before I said anything) and I worry that it will feel to them like a big shot coming in and essentially proclaiming me their boss. I know the personalities of the people I work with, and I am just not sure that this will go over very well; I really don’t want to blindside them, and I feel like it may erode their trust in me a bit. It’s already a huge jump for me from where they’re sitting: basically from Teapot Representative to Master of Teapots in a very short period of time. This position means the world to me and I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot with my team or my new manager!

Is there any way I can bring this up to my new manager that won’t negatively impact his perception of me? Everything seems so fragile right now, I’m hesitant to make a move. Am I overly worried about the announcement? Is this common practice regarding promotions? I’ve never done this before in quite so formal a setting, so I’m a little lost.

It’s actually pretty common to do it this way. That way, they can talk about why they selected you and why they think you’ll do a good job, and hopefully set up the transition to be a smooth one. In fact, it could be a little weird if you yourself announce out of the blue that you’re their new boss, particularly if they didn’t know that this was a possibility being considered.

That said, if your knowledge of your coworkers points to a particular framing or way of delivering the message being better than the others, you should certainly give that input to whoever is making the announcement. But I’d let it come from them, rather than from you, so that you can avoid an Alexander Haig “I’m in control here” moment.

4. Is it better to contact someone via email or LinkedIn?

I have received several excellent recommendations from employees of a company that I want to work for. I have been told by one of those employees – a former colleague from a past employer – that the hiring manager was included on those recommendations and is interested in finding the “right fit” for me at this company (they’re in the process of expanding and are evaluating their future needs before proceeding with opening up new positions).

I recently updated my resume by using a number of things I have learned from reading AAM and sent him an email through LinkedIn earlier this week, asking if it would be okay if I sent him an updated resume. I have not heard back from him yet, and was wondering if it would be a bad idea to contact him via “regular” email – or if I should just let things be. I did see that he had viewed my profile (for the second time) literally the day I had sent the LinkedIn email – but I have no way of knowing if it was because he read that email or it was just a coincidence. I certainly don’t want to come across as pushy or annoying.

Eh, I’d let it be for now. Ideally you would have emailed him directly the first time. There’s really no advantage to using LinkedIn for something like this, and there are some disadvantages, like the fact that the message is less noticeable there than it might be in his actual in-box and the possible annoyance factor of having to use LinkedIn to communicate when most people find email more straightforward. Also, ideally you would have just sent him the resume rather than asking if he wanted you to; there’s no need to have a whole email chain about it when it’s more efficient to just include it the first time.

But at this point, it’s in his court.

5. I don’t want to provide a letter of resignation

I gave two weeks notice and my employer wants a letter of resignation. This is after 23 years of employment. I live in PA and do not have any contractual responsibility.

It’s not uncommon for an employer to ask for a letter of resignation. It’s to document that you resigned voluntarily instead of being fired. It’s going to look really weird to refuse, and I can’t think of a reason not to provide one; it’ll take about two sentences and 20 seconds, and it won’t create any contractual responsibility.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I told my boss to F off

Last night, some of my coworkers and my boss were at a dinner for a coworker who is getting married. My boss told us earlier that day that she would pay for dinner but not drinks (alcoholic drinks) because it was not a work event.

As the night went on, some coworkers and my boss were at the end of the dinner table talking and laughing. Apparently something was said to my coworker about something that I had said about her (I had said that she was a tough nut to crack in the beginning), and she got mad and left (upset and embarrassed).

My feelings were very hurt because it took a long time to get to know this woman. I don’t want to start over. I started to get angry, so I went to the bathroom. When I got out, my boss said something to me and I reacted by either telling her to “F OFF” or “go screw yourself” (thanks for ruining my relationship with that woman). I was thinking and speaking at the same time. I ended up leaving the restaurant and got a ride home.

Later that evening, I received a text from my boss that said, “DO NOT come to work tomorrow. I talked to Ron and you are suspended for three days without pay and during that time I will decide what I want to do.” I responded with, “Can we talk, I’m home. We weren’t at a work function…I’m sorry I got mad. Whoever told (the woman) what I said was wrong.” My boss’s response was, “Please stop texting me. I will not change my mind. You are suspended for three days while I try to clean up your mess. I will meet with you Thursday morning off site and we can talk.”

Can she suspend me for this? I have no idea what or why she is angry about (I mean I do, but she never actually told me or texted me). This was NOT a work event. I looked up the word “insubordination” and it talks about being IN THE WORKPLACE and getting suspended.

You told your boss to F off! Or to go screw herself! That’s a really, really big deal. They can indeed suspend you for it. Hell, they can fire you for it.

It doesn’t matter that this wasn’t an official work event. Your employer is allowed to take a stand on how you interact with coworker outside of work. After all, if you had punched a coworker or harassed them or used racial slurs at them, your employer would absolutely be right to make that a work issue, because it impacts your working relationships and reveals something about how you operate.

Your best bet here is to stop arguing that it wasn’t a work event (because that doesn’t matter) and apologize profusely. I have to say, though, if I were your boss I’d have a hard time continuing to work with you — both because of what you said (it was hostile and unprofessional) and because it feels like such an overreaction to what sounds like a fairly minor event. I’d have a hard time trusting your judgment in other situations, unless there were some compelling evidence that this was wildly out of character.

2. Should I thank my office for a birthday card I never received?

Our office always send out emails about whose birthday is coming up, and what birthday cards need to be signed. I’ve been here for three years (as a freelancer, renewed annually) and have always recieved a card. That’s nice of them, because in my position, I’m actually removed from the main office and don’t see many people in my department on a regular basis. I recently ran into a co-worker who alluded to having to remember to go sign my card.

My birthday has now passed, and I haven’t recieved my card. I really only care because I like to send out an office-wide “thank-you!” email to be gracious, and honestly, to remind people that I’m here (it can’t hurt to be kind in case anything permanent opens up, or I need a referral down the line). I highly suspect my card has been lost, but there’s an outside chance they didn’t get me one. Should I send a thank-you email anyway? Part of me says yes, assume they signed a card and someone misplaced it. But part of me says no – it’s not my job to thank people for a card I never got, through no fault of my own. But then again, they may assume I got the card, and am being rude. This seems like such a ridiculously small non-issue, but I really want to stay in everyone’s good graces, as my employment here is not totally secure, and the more they like me, the harder they’ll work to secure the funds to keep me. Any advice?

You are over-thinking this. If you didn’t get a card, you shouldn’t thank people for a card; that would end up being particularly weird if in fact the card is sitting on someone’s desk and they realize they never gave it to you.

People aren’t going to think that you’re rude for not thanking them for a card; it’s nice to do that but far from obligatory and it’s highly unlikely that people will even notice that you didn’t thank them (unlike with a gift, where you really do need to thank the giver).

3. Giving a job reference for someone you know socially but not professionally

What is the etiquette for commenting on a job applicant at your organization who you know socially, but not professionally?

I have a friend to whom I recently sent a job posting for my organization, knowing that he was looking for something in that field. If I remember correctly from my own hiring, the application asks if you know anybody that works here, and how you found out about the job. It would likely not be out of the question for them to ask me for a pseudo-reference on that basis. I do not know anything about the working style of this person; I like him as a person, but have not known him very long or very well yet. Therefore, I cannot give a good reference, but neither do I want to give a bad impression. The lack of a good reference in this case has nothing to do with the person – he may be absolutely fabulous at what he does – I simply do not know him well enough, and have not seen him perform professionally. (There is nothing in his personality to make me doubt that he would be pleasant and professional.) How do I communicate that I can’t comment on his skills, without making it sound like I am trying to hide something or have my doubts about them and inadvertently harming their chances?

Just be straightforward and explain: “I’ve never worked with Bob and can’t vouch for his work. However, I know him socially, and I can tell you that he’s smart and thoughtful and warm.” (Fill in that last piece with whatever you know to be true about him that could also be relevant — anything from what I’ve listed here to “has an encyclopedic knowledge of teapot design.”)

4. Company said I’d get a second interview but then rejected me

I’m asking this to get a more realistic understanding of the hiring process, so I don’t get too excited next time.

I had an interview a few weeks ago with a company, and it went pretty well. I know this because I received an email from them saying they would be in touch with me regarding next steps (I know this meant a second interview, because they’d accidentally sent me a rejection first, then followed up saying it was a mistake). I waited a week, and then got in touch with them to see how things were going. The hiring manager promptly responded back, telling me that sometime after they’d told me I was moving forward, they’d decided to reject me.

Is this common practice, to reject someone while telling them they’ll get a second interview? I’m realizing that if I hadn’t reached out to them, I never would have known that they weren’t considering me anymore.

Are you sure that they told you they were going to ask you to a second interview? It sounds like they just said they’d be in touch about next steps, which could mean anything from an interview to a rejection. “Next steps” is shorthand for “we need to figure out our next step with your candidacy,” not “you will be taking the next step in our process.”

But if I’m misinterpreting that and they specifically said they wanted to set up another interview, they still didn’t really do anything wrong here. Something happened that changed their mind — a stronger candidate emerged, they hired someone, the needs of the job changed, who knows. It’s better that they were direct with you rather than making you go through the interview process if they’d already decided not to hire you.

5. Do I need to write cover letters for food service jobs?

Do I need to write a cover letter for every job I apply for? I’m in college and applying for summer jobs at places like grocery stores and coffee shops, not necessarily any administrative jobs or jobs in my field that I would automatically write a cover letter for. Some of the job postings I’ve looked at don’t specifically ask for a cover letter, so I’m even more uncertain if the employers want one. I could easily write an enthusiastic, personalized cover letter for, say, an internship in a field I have specialized experience with, but I’m uncertain as to how I would translate that to a cover letter for a less “professional” job that I’m less naturally excited about and a greater number of people could do.

Jobs at grocery stores and coffee shops usually want you to fill out an application rather than providing a resume and cover letter. As a general rule, you don’t need a cover letter if the sole method of applying is filling out a paper application. You should use one if an employer is asking for a resume. They’ll matter less at places like grocery stores and coffee shops, but if you want the job, they’re a good way to stand out as particularly conscientious and professional in comparison to their other applicants, who usually aren’t providing them.