Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should you tell your boss when a sales rep behaves like an ass?

My other half, Gertrude, recently went on a work trip to Japan with colleagues. While there, they were treated to dinner by a rep from another company (flown in from the same city where Gertrude and her coworkers work) who is looking to do business with theirs. She said it was a long, uncomfortable meal, with lots of boasting (harmless enough), complaining about whole groups of people by ethnicity (!!), and talking trash about politicians (to people who clearly supported the party he was trashing). He also treated the waitstaff terribly. His spouse had come along, too, and conducted themselves much the same. (Definitely not great for perceptions of Americans visiting abroad!)

Gertrude is wondering what to do with this info. Suck it up as a bad dinner, or report it to her managers as part of her learnings on this trip? Neither she nor anyone at the office would have to work with him, as he is a rep and not a direct employee. He has also been associated with the company he represents for a very long time, so presumably they know him well enough. Is this a dealbreaker? Is this all part of the schmoozefest that is networking? She is unsure how to approach this with the higher-ups in her company, and her colleagues are also on the fence.

How does one navigate these issues while both attempting to do good business (because their project is important and can have positive effects on the community at large) and calling out problematic people/ideas?

No, this isn’t part of the schmoozefest that is networking! This is an a-hole being an a-hole. (He’s also terrible at networking.)

I’d sure as hell want to know if a rep whose company I was considering doing business with behaved like that, and if I were Gertrude’s manager, I’d expect her to tell me … and if she didn’t and we hired this guy’s firm and then I found out about it later, I’d question her judgment in not telling me. It was a business dinner, and this is business-relevant information. She should tell her manager what happened — not framed as “obviously we will never speak to these people again” but as “I thought I should share this with you.”

2. My boss keeps asking about candidates’ ages

As a recruiter, whenever I’m discussing a promising candidate with my boss, he always asks for their age first. He then checks their resume and work experience.

This rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning, because I feel like that is ageist and the thing he should be asking is, “How many years of relevant job experience do they have?” When discussing salary for a candidate, he also comes back to age instead of work experience (saying things like, “Well, he’s already 45, we cannot offer him the salary of a junior” even if the person has the same level of experience as a junior working for us).

I brought it up a few days ago (not phrased in the best way, to be honest) and he got very defensive and angry, saying he only uses age as the first assessment to see how mature a candidate is and he feels like it serves the same purpose as asking how much work experience they have. (He went as far as telling me to go work for a different company that doesn’t ask people’s ages.) I eventually let it go but I still feel like he goes about it the wrong way. Am I in the wrong? Or what arguments are there to have him see what he is doing is ageist? Or should I let it go?

No, you’re not in the wrong; in fact, your boss is breaking the law. Federal age discrimination law (which protects people aged 40 and up) makes what your boss is doing explicitly illegal. Legally, you can’t hold a candidate’s age (if over 40) against them, which includes things like rejecting a candidate because you assume their age means you can’t afford them.

If anything is going to convince your boss, it would presumably be that he’s exposing your company to legal liability … but given that he got angry when you brought it up and told you to work somewhere else if you don’t like how he operates, I’m not optimistic that he will be open to hearing that, and it might just produce more blowback on you. If you wanted to try again anyway, you could frame it as, “I looked into this more and found that we’re risking a lawsuit because of the federal Age Discrimination in Employment Act, which makes it illegal to consider candidates’ ages” … but I’m skeptical that he’ll change.

But also, the law aside and even ageism aside, it sounds like he’s bad at hiring if this is how he assesses people! Are you really getting great mentorship or skill development from this guy? I’d take this as impetus to think about other jobs.

3. Should I not have shared my mental health struggles with my managers?

I’m having an argument with my mother about workplace norms I’d love your take on. I suffer with an anxiety disorder that’s been exacerbated lately by a change in medication and an unbelievably stressful systems migration that’s left all of us completely clueless about how to do our jobs.

In the last week, I shared with my line manager and our shared manager that I’m struggling. While I’m not asking for specific accommodations at the moment, I wanted them to be aware of how the increased work pressure and chaos was affecting my health and how I was working on it (mostly taking advantage of the mental health services our workplace offers) and to prepare them for the fact that I might need some time for appointments/a little bit of grace while I get back to equilibrium.

I think this was the right thing to do, and the conversation went well. My mum thinks I’ve killed any chance of getting high-profile assignments or promotion in the future by giving them a reason to doubt my ability to cope and that I should’ve kept quiet and faked a stomach bug if I needed to slow down. Who’s right? Is mental health awareness still so dire in the modern workplace that I’m likely to have damaged my reputation by admitting I suffer from a mental illness?

I’d love to say your mom is definitely wrong and you are definitely right, but in truth it varies by workplace and by manager. There are many managers and workplaces where what you shared would be perfectly fine and not come back to bite you in any way. There are many others where, unfortunately, it would. I can’t say which you’re working for — although you probably have a better sense of it than your mom does! But yes, in some workplaces and with some managers, there’s still a stigma that can lead to you being seen as “not able to handle” the stress of a high-profile project or promotion, even among managers who think they’re being supportive.

In general I don’t recommend sharing mental health struggles with managers unless you’re asking for a specific accommodation — because otherwise there’s a risk that they’ll assume you’re telling them because you want them to do something differently and if they’re not hearing a specific request from you, they may decide on their own what they think would help (and those won’t necessarily be things you would ever want).

4. How should I acknowledge my employee’s improvement after a serious conversation?

I recently had a “this is not okay, what’s going on?” conversation with my most senior team member about a lot of balls that she was dropping. Since then she has been doing much better, so my question is about where I go from here. Obviously as a manager I want to encourage my team members and tell them they’re doing a great job if they are, but I don’t want to come across as condescending or like I need to thank people for doing the bare minimum.

I think a large reason why I feel weird about this is because when I was growing up, if my mom asked me to do something and I forgot or didn’t do it right away, when I did do it, she would make a big production of sarcastically thanking me and acting like I had done her a huge favor. So what is a good level of “I see that you’re doing this and I appreciate it”? I feel fake and gross being overly effusive but I still want to acknowledge the progress.

I’ve normally said it this way: “Since we talked last month, I’ve noticed you really doing a great job with X and Y, and I appreciate you taking our conversation seriously and making changes.” You could add, “I think we’re in a much better spot now” or similar.

5. Job rejection before interview even started

Yesterday I had an interview for a position that is a new role/field but somewhat related to my previous jobs. Right before the interview, I got a separate email from someone else at the company asking me to interview with them too.

I can admit that I did not do my best on the first interview. Part of it was that the person I was talking to was not enthusiastic from the very start. I kind of feed off energy and it’s hard to be excited when the person on the other end sounds bored. Part of it was that I wasn’t as prepared as I should have been.

At the end of the interview, I asked my questions, and also asked the person I was talking to about the email I got, if it was an error. She said that it was someone else in the company and she could schedule me for some time if I wanted. I agreed, thinking I’d get another chance, and she scheduled me for the next morning.

I did a decent amount of prep work for that next one, some of which I admit should have done for the first interview. But I felt much more confident going into this one.

About 15 minutes before the interview was supposed to start, I checked my email and saw that I’d been rejected from the second job (the email was sent at like 2 am). But the interview hadn’t been cancelled.

I forwarded the rejection email to the people I was supposed to be meeting with, explaining that I wouldn’t be at the interview that was starting in like 10 minutes and thanking them for their time. I haven’t gotten a response back from either of them, which is fine. But now I’m wondering if I should have still tried to attend the interview, or not sent the email. What say you?

It was reasonable to assume that the interview wasn’t happening once you saw you’d been rejected for that job. That said, sometimes mistakes happen, and it’s possible the rejection was intended for the first job rather than the second. So ideally you would have confirmed before assuming — like with an email saying, “I received a rejection for this role late last night so I am assuming that our 10 am interview this morning is not still on, but if I’m wrong about that, please let me know.” That way if the rejection was supposed to be for the first job, it would clear up what had happened — whereas the email you sent could have left your interviewer thinking you were simply canceling.

I don’t think what you did was unreasonable; this would just be about covering all your bases.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Wearing luxury clothes as a public defender

After law school I started work as a corporate attorney and hated it. The office culture was cutthroat and aggressive and the work was unfulfilling, but the money was incredible. I’ve always loved fashion, and I bought a lot of second-hand designer clothes while I was there.

I am now a public defender in dependency and drug court. I love it! Client relationship-heavy work has always been my strength, I’m passionate about it, and it’s rewarding. Because of the nature of the work that I do, I’m in court a lot, and I still have all my old work clothes. I always tried not to buy things with logos, but inevitably some things are recognizable (Louboutins, etc.) There is something that feels incredibly out of touch and icky to me about wearing designer clothes to court while representing clients who literally could pay two months rent with the retail cost of my outfit.

Part of me wants to only pull out the expensive stuff for dates and happy hours and build up a more affordable court-appropriate wardrobe over time, but the other part of me figures that as long as I don’t wear the clothes with logos I’m probably fine? I just don’t want to alienate my clients or make them feel bad because they are going through the hardest parts of their lives, and the last thing they need is to feel like I’m holding something over them. But maybe I’m overthinking it and that’s unfair to them and shows my own bias?

I suspect other public defenders will give you the best, most field-specific advice on this, but my take is: yes, clothes send messages! I don’t think you need to avoid wearing every designer item you have, but it does make sense when working with financially struggling clients to avoid items that will be easily recognized as extremely expensive luxury — Louboutins being a good example since their red soles are so well known. (Of course, not everyone would be bothered by that; some people like it when their lawyers look expensively clad since they figure it’s a sign that they’re good at what they do. But enough people will feel weird about it — as might your colleagues since public defenders are so underpaid — that I’d avoid the really obvious symbols.)

2. I don’t want to attend a training that’s hostile to LGBTIQA+ people

I am the newest middle manager at my institution, and in the past, all manager-level staff have been required to attend the county’s leadership training, which consists of a full-day workshop once a month for nine months. It costs my institution a fair amount of money to send people to this training, and now it is my turn.

I am one of only a handful of openly queer people at my workplace, and we are in an extremely conservative county in a very conservative state. I already have to deal with fellow staff not using the correct pronouns for me, as well as customers that will likely never acknowledge my gender identity. I stay because it is important to me to be a shield for my queer staff members and customers and to make our institution as much of a safe place as possible.

One of my staff (the final person besides me who has not attended this training) was sent this past year, and her descriptions of the training make me concerned for my safety. I am certain my pronouns will not be honored. I am highly doubtful there will be a gender-neutral or family-style restroom for me to use. I will have to sit through many hours of extreme political talk that aligns with people who truly wish I did not exist. It doesn’t sound like any leadership traits are actually taught, so I’m not certain what I’m supposed to be learning through this nearly year-long, expensive training.

I have mentioned to my boss that this doesn’t feel safe for me and that I’d prefer not to go if that’s possible, but she laughs it off like it’s some rite of passage that everyone must endure. I am fine with training in leadership, and I understand that, as an introvert, I will likely not enjoy any meeting with a bunch of team-building activities, but this is not merely discomfort I’m worried about.

Do you have a script I can use for attempting to speak with her about this again, or do I need to suck it up and go to this training since everyone else has done it? Or is there a third option I’m not seeing?

If you think she’s not taking you seriously, address it from that angle: “When I’ve brought this up before, you’ve laughed it off almost as if it’s a rite of passage, so I wanted to be clearer: My concern with going is with my safety as a queer person. My understanding from others who have attended is that I’m likely to be repeatedly misgendered and need to sit through hours of discriminatory talk, and there will be no safe bathroom for me to use. I’m formally requesting to be exempted from the training because it’s hostile to queer people. Can you exempt me from it?”

It’s possible she’ll tell you it’s an absolutely inflexible, unwaivable requirement — but spell it out this explicitly and see.

3. Mixing suggestive swimwear photos with work links on Instagram

I may be old (and possibly prudish), but is it a good idea for a young person to include their work hashtags and work profile links in their Instagram account, if this account is entirely photos of them in suggestive swimwear shots? I was reading an article about science in the newspaper and was curious about the author. So I googled the author, and their Instagram account was the second result. Clicked on it and was floored. Am I out of touch or is this normal behavior now?

No, it’s still a bad idea. There’s nothing inherently objectionable about suggestive swimsuit shots in a vacuum, but it’s not a good idea to tie them to your work profile. Work and sexually provocative photos don’t mix (in most fields, at least). What you saw isn’t a new norm; it’s just one person making a bad decision.

4. Resigning while an employee is on medical leave

I currently serve as a director of a small office (three employees total). For a variety of reasons, I am searching for new job opportunities. One of my direct reports is currently out on medical leave (she has exhausted FMLA for the year, but is on unpaid leave).

I’ve been a finalist for two positions I’m really excited about and am waiting to hear back. If I accept a new role, how should I or should I notify my employee on leave? HR has been very strict about what I can and cannot say to my employee (I was berated for checking in on how she is doing) but I also don’t want her to come back to that surprise, or text me asking about returning to work when I’m not there anymore. She really struggled with initially taking off the time she needed to recover, so I have been trying to give her so much space from work.

From a legal perspective, it should be okay to let her know you’re leaving once you have an end date. What the law prohibits is what’s called “FMLA interference,” which is where you ask an employee on FMLA to do work — but it specifically exempts very minor questions like “where’s the key to the supply room?” as long as they’re infrequent. In this case, she’s not on FMLA anymore anyway. You shouldn’t contact her about actual work since she’s not being paid, but contacting her to say goodbye wouldn’t generally trigger a pay requirement.

That said, you should follow HR’s rules regardless. Your company might have stricter rules, or there might be something specific to your employee’s particular situation that makes them not want you to contact her. (One thing that comes to mind is that is that since she struggled to take the time in the first place, hearing that you’re leaving might trigger her thinking about/worrying about work in a way that isn’t conducive to her recovery.) So ask HR before doing anything. If they say not to contact her until she’s back, you can always wait and then explain once she returns (even if it’s after you left) that they told you not to contact her.

All that said, totally aside from the law and company rules, I’d strongly consider not bothering her right now anyway. Let her stay completely free of work thoughts while she’s on leave. She’s undoubtedly aware that if/when she returns, people might have come and gone during her absence. Two circumstances that would alter my advice: (a) if you’re very close and you know for a fact that she’d be upset you didn’t tell her in real time or (b) if there’s some specific logistical thing she might want from you before you go.

5. Resume section headings

I’m re-writing my resume, and I’ve realized I need a third section that’s not Experience or Education, but I can’t figure out what to put. The things I want to list are all different but seem important — for example, a business award nomination, participation in a competitive mentoring program, and a volunteering stint related to prior work experience. What heading do these go under? Or should I put multiple headings even if each one only has a single bullet point?

You could do a section called Other Achievements. If “achievements” doesn’t quite fit everything, it’s perfectly fine to just call it Other, or even Additional Information. Really, you can use any heading that sounds reasonably professional and fits the purpose. I think you’re feeling like there’s only a limited menu of appropriate headings to pick from, but there is not!