Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Am I selfish for not wanting people to mooch off my knowledge?

I am a proactive person, one who researches, calls people, gets stuff done. Lately, I am feeling as though everyone wants to mooch off my knowledge. For example, I am in grad school and for one of our subjects we have to organize to go to a museum and write a report on it. I googled the museum, and found out there’s this behind-the-scenes educational tour available. I called the rep, and set up a time for myself and my three friends. I told the lecturer and she told everyone in the lecture, and now everyone thinks I’m some sort of expert on the museum. I’m getting really frustrated that everyone wants to tag along, and continually asks me questions, when I know no more than the rest of them: I just happen to be proactive! They could have the same knowledge too, if they tried!

This isn’t an isolated example; often in my life, whether at work or school, I will get ahead by making things happen for myself and then people will try to, so to speak, ride on my coat tails. Is it wrong of me to be annoyed by this? It’s a competitive world, and we’re all competing for grades. If I can get myself an edge – well, I don’t want to share it! I know this is selfish thinking, but they too could have my knowledge if they tried. I literally did nothing more than go on their website and found a link for these educational tours and then call the woman. Anyone could do it. I was asking myself today “WWAD” (What Would Alison Do) but I can’t get past wanting to keep my extra information to myself (or my friends) and not the masses. Is this completely selfish? I have repeated so many times “check the museum’s website” but now everyone thinks I’m the holder of all the information for everything about the course and it’s getting out of control.

I don’t think it’s selfish to feel like you go the extra mile and then other people coast because you’ve eased the path for them. And it’s annoying when being good at something causes other people to behave as if they’re helpless because it just feels easier to have you do it for them, even when they should be handling said thing their own. (And these people sound particularly willing to lean on you unnecessarily and in an annoying way.)

But I don’t think you’re danger of your help leading to a situation where they win at your expense, because you’re the one who’s proving yourself the talented, driven one. Plus, you can and should set boundaries if you’re starting to feel like people are taking advantage of you. For example, if people come to you with questions about something they really should be figuring out for themselves, it’s fine to just say, “Oh, you should check ___; that’s what I do.” You’re not required to hand-hold them.

But more importantly, being a person with drive comes with benefits that far outweigh this annoying side effect: You’re going to end up with a great reputation for getting shit done, and that pays off in all kinds of ways.

2. Pronouns when opening a group email

I send a fair amount of emails, and I’m always unsure of what’s appropriate/polite/sane to say at the start of emails to groups with both men and women in them;

· “Hello people…”
· “hey guys…”
· “hey guys and gals…”
· “hello ladies and gentlemen…” (very formal for the groups I normally talk to)

Do you have any easy advice?

I started using “y’all” for that reason. It sounds southern, but it’s one of the only non-gendered ways of addressing a group that we seem to have and it’s fun to say. But there’s also “hi all,” “hi there,” and even just “hi,” followed by your message.

3. Turning down a job offer after my friend helped connect me

I have a job offer from Company A, largely due to my connection with my good friend. However, I have also received an offer from Company B, which I feel like is a better opportunity for me.

Would it reflect poorly on me to reject Company A’s offer after the effort my friend has put into getting me this connection? Would this also make my friend look bad at her work since she was the one who recommended me? I am so grateful for both opportunities and for my friend’s help during this stressful time of job searching, but ultimately I want to do what is best for my career (without burning bridges).

No, you’re totally allowed to turn down an offer if it ends up not being the best option to you. You’re in no way obligated to take the job just because your friend went to bat for you. That said, you are obligated to handle it as well as possible because of your friend: Tell the company your decision as soon as possible, thank them profusely for the time they spent with you, explain why you’re turning them down, and say that you’d like to stay in touch and hope there might be other possibilities for you to work together in the future. And give your friend a heads-up about the situation, obviously — and tell her how grateful you are for her help and that you’re sorry that it didn’t work out.

4. Can I ask for a referral bonus?

I’m relatively new at my company. They’re doing a lot of hiring and I just referred 3 guys who look like they’ll be getting picked up. Is it inappropriate to ask my boss if I’ll get a bonus for referring them?

You could say, “The company doesn’t have a bonus program for referrals, does it?” because some companies do have such a program. But getting a referral bonus at a company without an existing referral program would be pretty unusual, so you want to frame your query as asking about the existence of such a program.

5. Update: Can I report my friend for helping me lie on my resume?

Remember the letter-writer in January asking if she could tip off her friend’s employer that the friend had helped her lie on her resume (#2 at the link)? Here’s her update.

My situation is resolved. I had elaborated on it a bit more in the comments. It got a bit messy, as I knew it would. After some legal wrangling, I did get the money that she owed me back, but not before she tried to threaten to sue me and emailed my husband telling him what a terrible person I was, reiterating that I deserved everything bad that happened to me. I am SO glad I didn’t try to talk to her boss, as she did all the damage herself in the end, from what I’ve heard. She is blocked from all forms of communication with me, but she still attempts to get to me through other people. I choose to ignore her and live my life in peace!

On a much much happier note, I got a job! I followed your interview advice to the letter, and after 13 interviews, I got a job in my field after being off on maternity leave for 4 years. I started the other day and I am in a wonderful place. I start full time in a couple of weeks after transitioning back in next week for a few days.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I be worried about taking this job?

My question is probably a no-brainer, but I’m a recent grad still trying to figure out all the nuances of the professional world, so: I just (this morning) informally accepted my first professional job. It happened very fast – I applied last Thursday, got an invitation to interview on Friday, interviewed on Tuesday and the hiring manager called me this morning (Wednesday) to offer me the job. From what I saw of the office and staff, I definitely want this job, but something about the process is making me uneasy – the speed of it, and also the fact that they didn’t ask for my references (I have internship supervisors and professors who would happily provide one), and also the fact that the hiring manager said she would send me the benefits package today but hasn’t yet (although it’s only been a few hours).

Does this sound normal? I think maybe I’ve interviewed and been turned down for so many jobs over the past few months that I’m reluctant to let myself believe that this could be real… a simple “yes, sounds legit” or “run away!” from you would do wonders to put my mind at ease.

Some otherwise soundly-operating employers don’t check references — weird but true. The speed would worry me a little more, although even that’s not necessarily a problem. I’d put it in context about what else you know about them: Did they explain why they were moving so quickly, or even acknowledge it? What other signals did you get about their culture and how they do things? Did they give you plenty of opportunity to ask your own questions? That’s the stuff I’d look at. If you feel good on those fronts, I wouldn’t let the speed turn you off.

2. I feel undermined by a colleague

I am the new manager for a process improvement team. I was holding a staff meeting with my staff when all of a sudden, my colleague — another manager — barged into my meeting and asked one of my staff members if they were meeting. (This staff member used to be his analyst but has moved on to my team now.) Because this was done in front of my other staff, I felt embarrassed and powerless, as if he feels that his needs are more important than mine.

How should I address this with this manager? This is not the first time I felt undermined by him.

This makes him look rude, far more than it makes you look weak. If you appear rattled by it, that could make you look weak, but otherwise this is just someone being rude.

In the moment when it happened, you could have said, “We’re actually right in the middle of something, but Lavinia can check in with you when we’re done here.” But frankly, even that isn’t really necessary — he came to check if someone was supposed to be meeting with him, she presumably wasn’t, and that’s that. Of course, if your staff member got up to leave your meeting with him, you’d want to address that (“Lavinia, I actually need you here. Can you connect with Lucius later?”), but that doesn’t sound like the case.

My hunch is that you’re letting this guy have too much power over you. You’re rattled (I assume) because he made you feel that he did have the power to pull someone out of your meeting or that your team would think that — but he doesn’t, and your team will follow your cues. Act with the confidence of your own position and speak up when you need to … but allowing yourself to feel undermined by stuff like this will actually weaken you far more than this guy’s behavior could on its own.

3. I have concerns about my new coworker

I have some concerns about a new coworker in my office and am wondering if I should say anything. I am fairly new myself, having been here for a little less than a year. I am not responsible for training this person, but everyone in the office is asked to help out with spending some time training new people or observing them when they first start out working on their own.

In total, I’ve only spent a few hours training or observing this person, and she’s not exactly doing anything wrong, per se. But she’s not exactly doing things really well either. There have been several small red flags (things like not asking any questions in training, not being very thorough, seeming to miss connections between related issues, etc.). Obviously, someone will correct her if she makes a mistake, but I’m worried that no one is pointing out the overall pattern, and that her training period is scheduled to end soon. Should I ask to meet with her and point out some of the big-picture issues I noticed? If that’s too heavy-handed (considering that I’m just a colleague and peer), I could offer to share some of my “tips for success.”

Should I mention something to our supervisor, and suggest that her training period be extended? One concern is that our supervisor mostly deals with management issues and doesn’t do the same day-to-day work, so I’m not sure that she’d even pick up on the things I’m talking about if no one pointed them out. Or, since I’m not responsible for training this person, should I just mind my own business?

I’d do two things: First, ask her how things are going and if there’s anything you can help train her in or cover again with her. You could say something like, “I know it can be a lot to learn at once, and I’d be glad to cover anything that you’re still feeling shaky on.” You could also offer to share some of the things you learned that were particularly helpful to you in the beginning, including work habits.

But I’d also share your observations with your manager. It sounds like she welcomes input from people during this training process, and most decent managers would welcome someone saying something like, “I’ve noticed that Jane might need some additional coaching in things like X, Y, and Z.”

That said, the types of issues you’re describing are ones that can be very hard to coach out of people. All you can really do is make your manager aware of the issues and make your coworker aware that she can use you as a resource if she’s motivated to.

4. How to manage other managers

I’m moving into a new director position in a corporate environment, where I’ll have two managers reporting to me, as well as several individuals. Each manager will have individuals as direct reports. Much of your advice about good management obviously applies, but I’m curious about any specific advice you’d give about how to manage a manager. The managers will be responsible for much of the team’s day-to-day activities, while I will be expected to stay up to speed on the day-to-day but also be responsible for strategy and planning for the next 6-12+ months.

My hope is to enable the managers to lead their respective teams by setting clear goals and expectations. I’m wondering how best to stay involved enough while not interfering, and I definitely don’t want to create a dynamic where the individuals under the managers feel like they have too many bosses. One additional consideration is that the managers are new to the department and our function is pretty specialized.

I have the perfect article for you … somewhere else. It’s this piece from The Management Center (for whom I do lots of work and with whom I helped create this piece).

5. Are some companies exempt from anti-discrimination laws?

This is sort of a “curiosity” question that’s been on my mind for quite a while — ever since being fired from a job due to my religious affiliation a few years back — is it legal for small companies (less than 50 people) to discriminate based on race, religion, disability, etc? Or do those laws only apply to companies over a certain size?

Most anti-discrimination laws cover employers with 15 or more employees. The ADEA — which prohibits discriminating against people 40 or over — covers employers with 20 or more employees. And some states have their own laws that kick in at lower numbers.

The thinking, I believe, was that lawmakers didn’t want to subject very small employers to the financial and staff burden of defending against discrimination claims (a burden which can be significant, even if you ultimately prevail).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My writing partner is a hot mess

I’ve entered into a tentative writing partnership with a person who shares my interest in a particular historical period. We have a blog and she’s got a terrific idea for a book. What’s the problem, right?

She’s in the very early stages of learning to write, and makes all the common mistakes in terms of point of view, keeping tenses consistent, injecting personal thoughts into narrative, and “telling” not “showing.” She repeatedly dithers over how her version of history is the correct one, whereas I am fact-based, and will die on that hill rather than bend facts to fit narrative. There is absolutely no motivation or seemingly understanding on her part to do the hard-core, no b.s. research that is going to be critical to writing the manuscript. She repeatedly has asked me to bring an event flyer to our meetings when I have already emailed her the details, as well as a link to the organization’s event page; I’ve caught her rifling through my notes and books, and worst of all, she’s begun imitating my writing style and voice in her blog entries and writing samples.

She’s a nice enough person but has issues to which I can’t relate, nor do I want to try. Do I simply plod along, meeting deadlines and submitting my chapters until she drowns under the actual workload that is the reality of writing a manuscript? Or do I just tell her flat out that her lack of writing experience and skills are clearly the work of a ham-handed novice writer (look, I was like that too, but fifteen years and a lot of courses on writing as well as writing several manuscripts and attending workshops etc. has moved me past it) and I’m unwilling to either edit beyond small mistakes or to actually teach her how to write?

Well, neither. But it sounds like you definitely should put the kibosh on any writing agreement with her — if for no reason other than that it’s coming through loud and clear that you don’t want to be in a partnership with her. And there’s no shame in that. Writing a book with someone else is an intense process. You need to trust the other person’s judgment, writing, and general competence. You don’t trust hers, so this is unlikely to be anything other than a miserable and frustrating experience (possibly for both of you, but definitely for you).

But that doesn’t mean that you should call her an amateur and insult her skills when you part ways (even if that assessment has merit). Instead, why not say that as you get deeper into the project, you’re realizing that it’s tough to collaborate when you have such different styles and that you’ve concluded that a joint book isn’t in the cards?

2. Coworker won’t stop badgering me about working from home

I recently relocated to an area in Oklahoma where there is not an office space for me to utilize, so I am working from home. My manager was completely aware prior to my move and is fully supportive. My coworker, who works at the corporate office, has constantly asked me about my work situation and I have told him repeatedly that is between me and my manager. We were discussing this recently and he told me that our situations are not different, and that he and the rest of the team should be allowed to work from home if I do, which I do not agree with. He also told me that I could commute, and that people that have lengthy commutes should just change jobs, implying that if I receive special privileges that he finds unacceptable, it would be better for team morale for me to leave the company.

This situation is beyond frustrating to me because frankly, it is none of his business. If I am performing and my manager and superiors are supportive of the situation, he should worry about his work situation and not concern himself with my unique needs. 

Understanding that we will not come to a middle ground, how should I proceed when he continues to ask me questions? I consider this person a friend and do not understand why he constantly compares our situations.

“If you’d like to work from home, you should talk with (manager).” Followed by, if the badgering continues, “I’d rather not keep this open for discussion, thanks.”

I’d also give your boss a quick heads-up that this is happening: “Just FYI, Constantine seems really interested in why I’m working from home and why he and others aren’t able to. He’s questioned me about it so much that I suggested he talk to you if he wants to discuss it.”

3. Letting candidates know that they’re in our second tier

I am looking for language to use when I send an email thanking a candidate for applying for a job but letting them know that the pool was strong and we would consider them in round 2 if we don’t find someone in round 1. I want to say this as positively as possible.

Well, you could say, “We’re currently focusing in on a small number of especially well-matched candidates, but depending on how that process goes, we may reach back out to you next month.”

But I don’t think I’d be that explicit about it; there’s no reason to make someone feel less qualified than others if you can avoid it (and if they’re someone who you could plausibly end up hiring at the end of the process). I’d say something like this instead: “We’re in the early stages of our hiring process and have many strong candidates. I expect to be back in touch next month.” (And that at that next stage, you’d either reject them or ask them to interview.)

4. Can I ask to negotiate through email?

So, long story short, I’ve made a salary proposal after the recruiter asked about it (final decision is still pending, but it looks pretty good). I made it through email because I’ve never negotiated salary before, and I don’t like the on-the-spot nature of a phone conversation about such an important topic. The recruiter wants to schedule some time to talk about it tomorrow. Is it reasonable to ask that we negotiate through email, and how might I go about that?

I’ve seen your advice about it, but like I said I would feel more comfortable if I had some time to look at the text and formulate a response. A lot of the comments on that post seem to agree that it can be fine to negotiate through email.

I would not ask for it — if it unfolds that way, fine (although even then I think it potentially puts you at a disadvantage), but specifically asking to do it that way, especially after he specifically asked to speak, is likely to make you look like you lack confidence and aren’t comfortable with business norms.

5. Can I purposefully leave a skill off my resume?

My previous job, which I left for my current one about 4 years ago, required me to be able to speak in Spanish at a conversational level as well as doing some written translation and proofreading. The job was primarily customer service in English, and the Spanish-related duties took 10% to 20% of my time. I am not a native speaker, but at the time, I was proficient enough to be able to do the job. However, I haven’t needed to speak Spanish since I left that job, and I would not consider myself proficient now. I definitely don’t want a potential employer to think I am bilingual. Is it weird or unethical to leave the Spanish-related duties from that job off of my resume?

If I do that, a possible complication is that one of the jobs I’m applying for is with my current employer. I’m worried that the change on my resume might look weird to HR, but I could be worried about nothing – I’m sure they know that candidates tailor their resumes for specific jobs. I don’t think the actual hiring committee would care, as the job I’m applying for does not require proficiency in a second language.

It’s not unethical or even weird to leave something off your resume that you don’t want to highlight. Your resume is a marketing document; it’s not required or expected to be a comprehensive listing of everything you’ve ever done. If you don’t want your Spanish work on there, leave it off. (That said, if the only reason you’re leaving it off is because you feel rusty, I’d still include it — it showcases skills that you could likely pick up again if you needed/wanted to.)