how to coach an irritated manager to stop yelling

by Alison Green on December 10, 2014

A reader writes:

I supervise four managers. One (who is brilliant and extremely receptive to feedback) is a younger manager who supervises someone 20+ years her senior who is argumentative and disagreeable. I can give the manager guidance about handling the argumentativeness from this employee (who is on a PIP for other issues), but – this manager has gotten very, very irritated and frustrated with her direct report and is snapping at her – yelling, even – which is very out of character.

I don’t blame the manager for being frustrated, but we’ve talked about how the goal isn’t to communicate to the employee that you’re outraged; it’s to communicate that the behavior needs to change and that there are consequences for not changing the behavior. What the employee is doing wrong isn’t outrageous, it’s just not okay and is really grating on the manager’s nerves. We’ve also talked about how she needs to remain calm and use a professional and even tone. She knows all that (in fact, she’s the one who brought this up with me), and wants to respond more appropriately, but is struggling to find the right words to say in the moment when she’s so irritated and angry. Her interactions with this employee have really hurt her confidence in her skills as a supervisor, and while I want to help her get back on balance, the yelling has to stop.

I encouraged her to take a vacation so she could step back for a while, but that didn’t seem to make much of a difference. What can I do to help this amazing manager get back on her feet?

Well, you’re absolutely right to be addressing this and not letting it go. Yelling and snapping at people (or otherwise showing hostility) is hugely damaging to a manager’s authority, credibility, and reputation, and it will make good people not want to work for her.

I’m not surprised that you think part of the problem is that she doesn’t have words to use in the moment; managers who yell often do it because they really don’t know any other way of getting what they need done. They’re missing some of the core tools that managers have to have in their tool boxes, and that lack makes them feel frustrated and desperate.

That means that the way to address this is by arming her with those tools. Often for managers, especially new managers, that just means being prepared with the language to use in difficult situations. So I’d sit down with her and review some of the situations where she snapped or yelled, and talk about what she could have said instead. For instance, she may need to have phrases like this in her arsenal:

* “We talked last week about how important it was to do X, but it’s still undone. What happened?”
* “I’m concerned that we’ve talked several times about Y, but I haven’t seen any improvement. What’s going on?”
* “The way you talked to Jane in the meeting was dismissive and caused her to shut down. Can we talk about how to approach that differently?”
* “When you missed yesterday’s deadline, I had to stay late to ensure the work got done. I need to be able to count on you to meet your deadlines.”
* “I hear you that it can be challenging to ____, but I need the person in your role to meet that bar.”
* “Because we’ve talked about this several times before, I’m concerned about the pattern I’m seeing in your work.”

Without knowing more about exactly what’s provoking her frustration, I can’t pinpoint the precise language she needs — but the idea is that you want to arm her with specific language to respond appropriately in similar situations in the future. It should be calm, assertive, and direct — and not emotional.

It’s also important to note that in the examples I gave above, there’s an implied “or else,” which is about consequences. When you’re having a serious conversation with an employee about concerns with that person’s performance or behavior, you should be clear in your own mind that if talking through the issues doesn’t resolve the problem, you have the ability to escalate the consequences — up to and including firing. This is key, because a manager who doesn’t believe in her own ability to impose consequences is a manager without the tools she needs to perform her own job. That’s what leads to feeling frustrated, helpless, and angry — which can lead to yelling. But a manager who is clear on her own authority to impose consequences knows that she has the tools she needs to get the results she’s charged with achieving, and therefore can act more calmly.

And speaking of consequences … This manager needs to understand what the consequences are in the situation for her. This isn’t a nice-to-change thing; it’s a must-change. Consequences of not changing it include a team who won’t respect her, great people not wanting to work for her, employees who will be afraid to give her tough news, and a generally less productive staff (since unhappy, demoralized people are less productive). Consequences also should probably include an impact on her career path in your organization; you can’t have someone managing people who responds to basic managerial challenges this way. You’re right to be supportive and to coach her on this, but if you don’t see pretty immediate improvement, it’s a serious performance issue in its own right — don’t lose sight of that.

Read an update to this letter here.

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how can I get over my bitterness at being laid off, saying no to a networking request, and more

by Alison Green on December 10, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I get over my bitterness at being laid off?

After a lot of uncertainty, my position at a nonprofit is being downsized and I’m being let go. I’m taking it pretty hard because it’s opening up a lot of painful uncertainties in my life and I feel like my dream job is being pulled out from under me. In short, I’m very bitter. Plus, my organization is very conscious of projecting a positive image so there’s pressure to hide my being let go under “We taking a hiatus for that project.” I have a month left and it’s hard to muster any energy for my final projects because it feels like “letting them get away with it.” I know I should be professional and end on a strong note. How can I overcome my bitterness without pretending that I’m okay what’s happening?

Well, this probably doesn’t help, but it’s not personal. When positions are eliminated, it’s because it no longer makes financial or strategic sense for the organization to fund that work. In the case of a nonprofit, it’s particularly important that they be rigorous about how they’re using money, and they may not be able to justify the expense for legitimate reasons. That might not help, but it sounds like this is feeling very personal to you, when it isn’t.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you’ll be hurting yourself if you let your work or attitude slip during this final month. You’ll be relying on the people there for references in the future, and going out on a low note is really damaging to references. Particularly you since you’re facing a job search right now, your reputation is really important. Don’t let hurt feelings sway you into compromising it.

2. Say no to a networking request from a friend of a friend

I am three months into a great job at a huge organization in my field. A friend and former manager who helped me get the job (my first out of college) just reached out to me with a friend of hers who is trying to set up informational interviews for when she’s in the city. Having just gone through 100 information interviews, of course I’m happy to meet with her and be on the other side of the table. However, they both asked if I would set up information interviews for her with some higher-ups in my organization. I felt really uncomfortable about this request, as I have never met this person and I am still brand new to this organization and developing my own relationships within it.

Am I rude for saying no? It just seemed like such a strange request.

Nope. It’s totally reasonable to say something like, “I’m still new here so don’t feel like I’m able to ask other people here for favors yet, but I’d be glad to meet with you myself and be as helpful as I can.”

3. My job significantly changed my schedule after I started

I am a psychiatric nurse and was solicited by a home health agency to do psychiatric evaluations with home based patients. Considering the job is somewhat stressful, I was told that the psych nurses did not work on weekends. This was actually advertised in the job description and it was one of the significant perks that attracted me to the job in the first place. After all, I have worked weekends all my life, not to mention every shift imaginable in the nursing capacity.

In any event, during my probationary period, they found out that I had worked in a previous home health agency doing medical surgical nursing, like wound care, and that my skills were more eclectic even though I am a psychiatric nurse by profession. Upon this revelation, they told me that I would be placed on their weekend rotation. What this involves is working every fifth weekend and basically a 12-day stretch without any break. The stress is unimaginable because I am 60 years old and this involves me getting up at 4:30 am every morning. Many of my patients are hospice and are actively dying and I am burning out and this is tearing me apart. I find these “bait and switch” tactics by this company unconscionable, yet it is hard to find a full time job with good benefits. Unfortunately, I cannot find the original job description as I thought I had this in writing. Do I have any recourse in this situation or is it their word against mine?

It’s not really a question of your word against theirs, because even if you had the original job description, an employer can change your job description at any time; job descriptions aren’t legally binding. Instead, I’d recommend just talking to them about it: Explain that the schedule was something that attracted you to the job originally and that while you’re willing to pitch in in a pinch, you’re not interested in the type of work or schedule that they’ve moved you to. Say that you’d like to go back to the original role and schedule that you accepted.

It’s possible that they’ll refuse, but then you’re no worse off than you are now (and can at that point decide if you want the job under these terms). But it’s possible that you’ll be able to able to get back to what you originally signed up for.

4. I showed up on schedule but was sent home without pay an hour later

Can an employer schedule you to come at, say 6 pm, and when you get there, he says it’s not busy enough, don’t clock in yet. So he makes you wait around for 45 minutes to an hour. Then he comes to you and says it doesn’t look like it’s going to pick up so he sends you home, never having clocked in. I’m in Washington state and work for a restaurant/bar. Is that legal?

Nope, you need to be paid for that time that you were there, on schedule, ready to work.

5. Will employers care that I’ve lived in a bunch of different places?

How do you not look like crap online to employers if you’ve lived a bunch of places in your life?

When I Googled myself, as I imagine an employer might, different “find this person” sites show my maiden name, my ex-husband’s last name (which I never changed so what the hell?), and my husband’s last name. Since they list your whole life for where you’ve lived, for me (I’m 39), that was 6 different states, 8 different places total. I probably look like a flight risk with romantic issues or something. I’ve been with my husband for almost 16 years and don’t regret any one of the moves. One of them was for my husband’s work, two were for my work, and the rest we just hadn’t found the right place. Now we’ve found our true home, bought our first house this past May. We don’t plan on moving away ever, we adore it. As you know, I can’t be putting all of that stuff into a cover letter to explain.

I know I need to get on LinkedIn, maybe that would help, but I dread it, not being the social media type. I had a Twitter account, it got hacked and I closed it. I keep being turned down for even an interview at the library system I’d love to get into. I’ve applied to similar sounding jobs with this county-wide system with no response whatsoever. I have years of professional experience, professional memberships, current continuing education and skills, the appropriate degree or above, volunteer experience in the field, yada yada yada.

I actually think you’re worrying about it too much. Employers don’t usually look too closely at those “find this person” sites (if at all). They look at whatever online presence you have (social media, blogs, articles, etc.), but those “find you” sites don’t generally have much that’s of interest to employers. So I wouldn’t worry about this.

Instead, I’d focus on making sure your resume and cover letter are truly awesome (read this). Go ahead and set up a LinkedIn profile — you don’t need to be a social media type to do that; you can be pretty damn inactive on LinkedIn and still have a presence there. But really, your cover letter and resume are the big things that are going to determine whether you get interviews or not.

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update: my manager doesn’t want me to meet with clients unless I lose weight

by Alison Green on December 9, 2014

Remember the letter-writer who was told that she shouldn’t meet with clients unless she lost weight? Here’s the update.

In October, I resigned from my position at the consulting firm. The original conversation – where I was told that the brand is “thin and edgy” was incredibly difficult and I made it very clear to the senior leadership that I was unhappy. I tried speaking to other members of management and they all supported the original statements. I was asked by one director if I was a size 14. I told her I was a 10 and she responded by suggesting that I spend some time getting at the source of why I occur to people as bigger than I am. In a conversation with another director, I was told repeatedly, “You know you’re the brand, right? You know you’re not thin, right? If you’re honest with me, I bet you’ll say that you’re not really happy with your body.” She tried to convince me that I was digging my heels in for a value and that I was holding myself back as a result.

They stand by the belief that if I work hard to keep myself exceptionally thin, then I will be more effective when consulting with clients. I personally think that they just have a particular aesthetic preference. I have no problem with the way I look and decided that I am fundamentally not aligned with the idea that their definition of “thin” equals extraordinary. As soon as I found another position, I resigned from the company and am much happier for it.

Also, I’m just now reading many of the comments that I hadn’t read before. Just a few points of clarification from people’s questions that you can add to my response if you’d like: I’m the same size I was when I got hired. They say the same things to men. And my CEO – is a woman.

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how to spread holiday cheer at work — without spiking the punch

by Alison Green on December 9, 2014

Are you an influence for good at your workplace? Or are you often a negative force?

You don’t have to be Santa Claus to spread holiday cheer at work. Here are five things you can do to make your workplace a more joyous one this month – and no, we’re not talking about spiking the punch.

1. Spread “good gossip.” You might have a visceral reaction against the idea of gossiping, but good gossip is different from bad gossip. Good gossip means spreading positive thoughts around – things that you wouldn’t mind getting back to the person you’re talking about. For instance, mention how much you like working with Sarah, or how great Joe’s presentation was, or how wowed you are by the new guy’s writing skills. Be sincere, of course, but speak up about this kind of thing! It will make you feel good, please the recipient if it gets back to them, and raise the overall spirits in your office.

2. Help someone when you don’t have to. If you see a colleague struggling to complete a piece of work that you could help with, and you could assist without compromising your own work, offer to pitch in! It could be something as simple as lending an eye and letting a coworker bounce ideas off of you, or offering to edit a memo, or helping to defuse an angry customer, or just pitching in so someone isn’t stuck late at the office. If ever received a helping hand when you really needed it, then you know how grateful your coworker might be – and how much it can create a feeling of camaraderie and cooperation in your office.

3. Thank someone for making your job easier this year. Did a colleague or vendor make your life easier this year? Save your hide with your boss by catching a mistake before it was too late? Make what could have been an arduous project easy and pleasant? Maybe someone was simply a joy to work with on a regular basis. Tell them. Whether you stop by their office to deliver a heartfelt thanks or write a short letter explaining your appreciation, it’s likely to make a huge impression on the recipient.

4. Show up for at least one workplace holiday function cheerfully, even if you’d rather be at home. If you dread office holiday parties (and you’re in good company if you do), make a point this year of showing up and being cheerful about it. You probably won’t be miserable, but if you are, find someone else who looks miserable and talk with them. You can make it your mission to save others from tedium. Or if that’s too Pollyanna-ish for you, at least make an appearance for an hour or so, eat some cookies, circulate, and then head home.

5. Be kind, even if you’re stressed out. Holidays can be a hectic time of year – people are rushing to shop, attend holiday functions, travel, host family, and attend to myriad other obligations. That stress can spill over to work, and you might find yourself being short with colleagues. Make sure you don’t let that happen! Vow to be kind this month, even if your fuse is short and you’re counting down the days until your vacation.

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can I refuse to put up Christmas decorations at work?

by Alison Green on December 9, 2014

A reader writes:

My employer is asking all of us to decorate our offices/work areas for Christmas this year. The decorations are provided, and she thinks it will brighten up the office. I work as an administrative assistant in the front of the office. Because of some difficult personal reasons, I will not be celebrating Christmas this year, and honestly, the sight of anything holiday-related makes me sad. Would I be out of line if I refused to put up decorations?

If you wanted to refuse to decorate your own personal work space on religious grounds (such as being a different faith or belonging to a branch of Christianity that finds Santa frivolous or counter to the true meaning of the holiday, or so forth), you’d be well within your rights to decline to participate on those grounds.

However, it doesn’t sound like your objections are religious in nature, and because your desk is in the reception area (it sounds like), it’s a little different anyway. It’s reasonable for a business to decide it wants to decorate its front office for the holidays, and ultimately that area isn’t just your work space — it’s also their reception area where they greet visitors.

I suppose you could float the idea by saying something like, “I’m not participating in the holidays this year for personal reasons. Would you mind if I didn’t put up decorations in my area?” But a reasonable manager could certainly reply to that with, “It’s fine to keep them out of your immediate desk area, but we do want to decorate the reception area where you’re located.” If that’s the response, there’s not a lot you can do at that point, particularly not without pushing the issue further than will appear reasonable.

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asking an interviewer about guns at work, when a department has fallen apart, and more

by Alison Green on December 9, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Asking an interviewer whether any employees bring guns to work

No really, this IS hypothetical! Maybe it’s a silly question, but it just occurred to me and I’m curious about your take.

A candidate, Jane, is contemplating a job offer at Firm “X”—just a standard office environment, nothing unusual or inherently dangerous. Firm X has no particular policy regarding weapons or firearms in the workplace, but is located in a place where concealed, permitted, firearms can be legally carried.

Jane wants the job but doesn’t want to work in a building where firearms may be present. It seems obvious that Jane can ASK if firearms are present in the workplace…and that, rational or not, she could take the response into account when considering whether to accept the offer. But should firms lacking a firearms or weapons policy have a ready answer to this question? If they don’t, should they find out the answer?

If I suddenly learned that coworkers down the hall were packing heat, I wonder how it would affect me.

I learned when answering a related question earlier this year that an employer might not even know the answer to this. In nearly all states that allow concealed gun carrying, if an employer wants to prohibit employees from bringing guns into the workplace, they have to post clear notices to that effect throughout their workplace (and in some cases, these notices must contain specific language defined by law). Beyond that, in a concealed carry state, they wouldn’t necessarily know if someone was bringing a gun to work.

You’ll probably find the comments on that post very interesting.

I’ll also repeat here the same request I made in that previous post: Because this issue is a heated one, I’m requesting that we refrain from a debate on gun laws in the comment section — where each side of the issue is highly unlikely to convince the other side — and instead stay focused on the question posed here by the letter-writer.

2. Will prospective employers contact my current employer without alerting me?

Although you say it is normal to say “no” when/if a potential future employer asks if they can contact your current employer, what do you say on your cover letter and/or resume, without being asked? Do I just assume that they would not contact my current employer until they meet me and ask me themselves?

Yes. Sane, reasonable employers don’t contact current employers, certainly not without permission. And even unreasonable employers don’t typically contact references before interviewing people (it would be a huge waste of time, since they don’t even know yet if they’re interested in hiring you; reference-checking normally takes place toward the end of the hiring process).

That said, there’s always some degree of risk that you’ll encounter a crazy employer who doesn’t abide by these practices and inadvertently outs you. It’s very, very rare, but the risk isn’t zero. It’s somewhere just above zero though.

3. Our Development department has fallen apart

Nearly a year ago, I started working at a large cultural institution, despite knowing that the institution has had a few years of serious financial trouble. While it truly does seem like the place is getting its finances in order in many ways, one thing has become increasingly daunting. Since I started (in a completely separate department), the Development department has dwindled from an already slim 6 people to just one person. While I do not work closely with the CEO, it does not seem like she has a sense of urgency in filling these positions. To the best of my knowledge, all five of these people resigned and took relevant jobs elsewhere. I believe that the HR department has been weakly recruiting these positions– some, for a few months– but none have been filled.

Needless to say, there is now no leadership in that department and I’m concerned that this does not bode well for an already struggling non-profit. Does this sound like a sinking ship? How long can a large non-profit go without a Development department? How would a pre-existing organization go about hiring a whole department at once, especially for something as critical as Development?

It depends on the organization’s funding model. If they’re funded primarily through a small number of large donors, and the CEO is the person who maintains the relationships with those funders, it might not be a problem at all to have a virtually non-existent Development department. On the other hand, if the Development department was responsible for bringing in significant funding (as opposed to merely supporting the CEO in doing it), then a decimated Development department would be a very big problem indeed.

Hiring a whole department all at once isn’t ideal, but it’s not impossible either — especially in an area like Development, where the CEO usually plays a big role and is going to have some at least some institutional knowledge.

4. Can I say I have a degree that I don’t quite have yet?

I’ve been working in a very competitive industry for the past three years, and am finishing an undergraduate degree at night. I’m writing the last exam next week and already know that I’m going to pass the final course, but I won’t have official confirmation of graduation for a while longer.

Due to my personal situation, I need to start looking for work and sending out resumes right away. I know that in this industry, applicants with a degree will stand a much better chance of being hired, and will make $5,000+ a year more than someone without one, regardless of experience. As well, there seems to be a big difference between “having a degree” and “almost having a degree,” at least in the minds of the hiring managers I’ve met. Is it still too premature to say I have a degree, seeing as how it’s more or less a done deal? If it is, how could I word my cover letter and resume in such a way that it isn’t instantly thrown on the trash heap?

Nope, you can’t say you have a degree that you don’t yet have. But you can make it clear that you’re about to have it, by putting something like this on your resume:

B.A., Dark Arts, Hogwarts (expected January 2015)

5. Thank-you notes when you haven’t applied for a particular job

I’ve just had a phone interview with a recruiter who put out a “cattle call” type job ad for job seekers in a specific industry. Your (awesome) advice says that thank you notes should be used to express your enthusiasm for the job — but I haven’t applied for a particular role so much as gone through my work history and strengths with a view to finding one. In this scenario, what is the best framing for a thank-you note to take?

Just adjust it slightly for this situation: Instead of talking about a particular job, talk about your enthusiasm for the work you do, and say that you’d love to work further with the recruiter. No need for anything long or fancy; just a few sentences in this context (phone interview, and recruiter rather than hiring manager) is fine.

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update: I pulled a prank on a coworker — and it ended badly

by Alison Green on December 8, 2014

Remember the letter-writer who pulled a prank on a coworker, and the coworker did not appreciate the joke? Here’s the update.

Not a whole lot has happened since. The apology was made at the time of the incident (when he threatened me) but we didn’t talk much after that, only professionally when we did. By providence, I was seconded to a special project so regarding management concerns, I guess that’s a non-issue! (It was also never brought up and I didn’t do anything else regarding the situation.)

As for him, all I know is that he continues to “joke” with others in the same manner he did with me and sending the same signals to others that I initially misinterpreted. Beyond that, I don’t have much interaction with him anymore. Things seemed to have blown over and I don’t joke with anyone anymore, really. I just keep everything as professional as I can and separate work from my personal life. At the end of the day, work is work and I’m not at work to make friends (I do that outside of work).

P.S. This letter-writer took a lot of criticism in the comment section the first time around but was still nice enough to write back in with an update, so please be kind.

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the 5 skills you need to work for yourself

by Alison Green on December 8, 2014

Thinking about going into business for yourself? If you have a talent or skill or product idea that you think people would pay for, you might be tempted to strike out on your own and see if you can turn it into a business. After all, what’s better than working for yourself, having no boss, and keeping your own hours?

But being successful working for yourself requires more than just having a skill or product that people will pay for. That’s an essential component, of course, but you also need the following five skills as well.

1. The ability to manage your own time and motivate yourself to work. With no boss watching over you, you’ll be able to spend the day watching TV and playing on Facebook if you’d like to. For many people, it’s a challenge to overcome that temptation and buckle down to get work done. If you’re one of those people, you might find yourself going days or weeks without much to show for it in the way of work. Sound like you? If so, you might actually need a boss to stay productive, and it might be close to impossible to work for yourself.

2. The ability to assert yourself about money. From comfortably citing prices to potential clients, to holding firm when asked to lower your rates, to checking in on an unpaid invoice, one thing you can count on when working for yourself is that you’ll need to talk about money. You might find yourself having to follow up multiple times to chase down payment or needing to deal with a client who denies authorizing your fees. If that makes you seize up with anxiety, prepare yourself now, because that’s often part of working on your own. The more comfortable you get with money conversations, the less stressful your life as an entrepreneur will be.

3. The ability to market yourself. No matter how talented you are or how great the service or product that you’re selling, clients are unlikely to find you on their own – at least when you start. That means that you’ll have to market yourself and your work (or hire someone who will do it for you). How comfortable are you talking about yourself? Are you prepared to make a pitch for why you’d be the best person to do a prospective client’s work? Will you take it personally if you’re turned down?

If you’re lucky, over time you might reach a point where you’ve built up enough word of mouth that you no longer need to significant marketing, but for many freelancers, marketing remains a big part of their work.

4. The ability to turn down clients. You might think that you’d never want to turn down work, but imagine being approached by a client who wants you to do a project that you know you would hate or be terrible at or which would conflict with other commitments you’ve made. One common mistake among freelancers is to take on absolutely every project they’re offered, even if they’re not going to enjoy or excel at it – which ends up impacting their ability to get the type of work they enjoy and do excel at in the future. After all, if you turn in shoddy work, you’ll harm your reputation. And if you take on work you can’t stand and do well at it, you’re likely to get offered more in the future – and that type of work will become part of what you’re known for. As long as you can afford to, you’re far better off being choosy about who you’ll work with and what you’ll do for them – even if it’s scary to say no to a paying project.

5. The ability to fire clients. Ideally, all your clients will be lovely people who are a pleasure to work with. In reality, you might find yourself with a client or two who are more difficult than the work they provide is worth. For instance, you might have a client who calls at all hours and won’t stop even after you address it, or one who sends endless revisions to your work but is unable to explain precisely what you need to change, or one who has unrealistic expectations of what you will do. Or, you might have a wonderful client whose work doesn’t make sense for you anymore – because they can’t pay your increased rates, or because their work conflicts with a higher-priority client, or because your interests and expertise have shifted. In any of these cases, you might decide that you and the client need to part ways, and you’ll need to be able to deliver that message. It’s tougher than you might think to say, in essence, “I’ve decided that I don’t want to work with you.” Are you up to those conversations?

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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update: our museum volunteer is out of control

by Alison Green on December 8, 2014

Remember the letter-writer who managed a museum that was saddled with a rogue volunteer who no one could control (and who was protected by the board of directors)? Here’s the update.

Unfortunately, this is not a particularly happy update. Since I wrote in last April, three of our board members have met with Steve several times to discuss his involvement in the organization. At each meeting, Steve would agree to certain things and then change his mind or not follow through (example: Steve agrees he will come up with a list of projects he would like to focus on; the list never materializes).

Steve is manipulative and hard to deal with – he hijacks conversations and turns them to completely different topics, so it was hard for these board members to get through to him. The board members weren’t super interested in rocking the boat, so each time he agreed to something and then didn’t follow through, they gave him another chance. Basically, it got to be this endless cycle of them having the same conversation with him about every six weeks since May. They would not allow me to attend these meetings because they think Steve doesn’t respect me.

In July, they changed the locks “as a routine security measure” but really to try to make Steve so mad he leaves on his own. It did make Steve fleetingly consider leaving, but really it just made other long-time volunteers upset (who had previously had keys) and drove a big wedge between staff, volunteers, and the board. It was a really rough few months.

Once everyone got used to the new policies in conjunction with the key situation, everything calmed down this fall. One of Steve’s friends is ill, so Steve took two months off to help him out. When he returned at the beginning of October and requested a key, the board members met with him again and really tried to pin him down on some issues (and told him he’s not getting a key). He agreed to send update emails to me and the board members (he is working on a lot of projects and with a lot of donors that no one else knows about). He did actually send a couple of the email updates, and I’ve seen some improvements from him in other ways since that last meeting. He is taking more time off through the end of the year to continue to help his friend.

I am now kind of resigned to the fact that we are just waiting for him to leave on his own at this point. But there’s a lot still up in the air, including the fact that he’s still holding a lot of our collections at his home. He has decided to remove us from his will and is instead donating his estate to the local university. I don’t think the board will stand up to him any more than they already have, so I’m just waiting for the next ball to drop.

Meanwhile, Jean is much happier and is fitting in better with the rest of the staff now that Steve isn’t looming over her. We are in the middle of a Museum Assessment Program assessment, with a reviewer visiting in March. I am looking forward to talking to her about the issues with the board and Steve, and seeing another perspective on it all.

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CEO’s daughter gets special treatment, I almost fainted during a meeting, and more

by Alison Green on December 8, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. CEO’s daughter gets special treatment

I just started working for a new company, and it’s a small, family-owned investment firm. Everyone here is really nice, but I noticed one thing that I thought was kind of strange. The CEO/owner’s daughter is an employee here (she sits in the same cubicle area as me), and as far as I know her role isn’t any different than anyone else’s (aside from being the CEO/owner’s daughter).

We all get 30 minutes for lunch, but she’s been taking breaks over 1.5 hours long – sometimes with her father, and sometimes not, and she pretty much comes and goes as she pleases. I realize that as the CEO/owner, one can do practically whatever they want, but does that also apply to the daughter? Isn’t it a tad unprofessional to give her special treatment, when she’s supposed to be an employee like everyone else?

Like I said, everyone is really nice, and I’m really quite happy at this new job. I just thought this was a bit “unfair” and wanted your perspective on this. I don’t think there’s anything I can or WANT to do about it, but I’m at least curious if anyone agrees with me.

It’s not great, but it’s (sometimes) par for the course when you have family members working at a family-owned business. Your best bet is to simply see her in a different category; she’s apparently subject to a different set of rules than non-family employees. Seen from one angle, it’s not fair … but seen from a different angle, you could argue that it’s the business owner’s prerogative if he wants to make his business a source of undemanding jobs for family members. (I’d argue it’s a disservice to those family members, if they’re ever likely to need or want to seek other employment, but that’s a different issue.)

2. Will I be in trouble for almost fainting during a meeting?

After I started my first professional job this summer, my mother died suddenly and I was diagnosed with the same potentially fatal heart condition that killed her. It hadn’t affected my work except for having to attend the funeral and several doctor’s appointments. However, today I came very close to passing out in a meeting in front of several VIPs (boss’s boss, project lead, etc.) and I’m terrified I’m going to get reprimanded or fired for not paying attention. My boss and some of my coworkers (who all but forcibly sent me home after the meeting) know about my medical condition, but the VIPs don’t. Can I get fired over this since I’m in an at-will state? Should I reach out and try to explain my weird behavior in case they think I was zoning out and not paying attention?

Ask your manager about the best way to handle this! Explain that you don’t want people to think you’re zoning out or being inattentive, but you also don’t want to make a big deal out of it if she doesn’t think it’s necessary. Your manager should have a decent handle on what makes sense here. Also, if you have an HR department, you might give them a heads-up as well and see if they have advice; they’ll be able to tell you about benefits that might be available to you like FMLA (once you’ve been there a year) and possible ADA protection.

If the people who need to be in the know about this know what’s going on (your manager and HR), you should be fine!

3. Can I ask my manager about her future career plans?

I have a performance review coming up and wanted your take on something.

I have a manager who is by all accounts a rock star. She has been in her position for four years and I have a feeling that she is eyeing bigger things, or will be soon. During my review, she will ask me about my career goals for the next year and beyond. Is it inappropriate to ask the same back? I’m curious to know where she sees herself, as she could probably run the company of she wanted to. Also, if she was planning to make a move, I would consider following because I know I haven’t learned everything I could from her yet. From reading AAM, I know how lucky I am with my management team.

Do you have a good rapport with her? I don’t know that I’d ask her directly about her own plans, since that could put her on the spot when she might prefer not to disclose plans to move on or hopes of moving up. But it’s certainly reasonable to mention that you love working with her and would be interested in following her if she ever moves into a different role.

4. Staying busy during slow periods as a temp

I’m in month four of a 6-month temporary position, working as an assistant for a very large company. Most of my work comes by way of direct requests from managers.

I’ve temped at this company before, on projects, and was instructed to take off these weeks just like everyone else. I recently asked my current manager what her expectations are for me during the weeks of Christmas and New Year’s, and was instructed to work it out with the other two admins to ensure “that there is coverage.”

Because the company employee will use up her remaining vacation time during these weeks, and the other temp has family coming from out-of-town, I’m resigning myself to being in the office for hours just in case someone needs something (even though no one will be there). However, I am at an utter loss about what to do with myself in the office all that time. During Thanksgiving, I organized files, created manuals, and did everything else I could think of. I would be uncomfortable surfing the internet or reading a book. What else can I do besides stare out the window? How can I ask my manager “How should I spend my time?” and still sound professional?

There’s nothing unprofessional about asking that, particularly as a temp since temps usually have limited ability to come up with their own autonomous work. I’d just say, “Things were very slow during Thanksgiving, so I organized files and created manuals. Assuming Christmas week will be similar, are there other things that you’d like me to work on?” If she says no, and that you just need to be around in case something comes up, then I’d plan to read (either online or a book). In some cultures, it’s totally normal for temps to read a book during downtime, but if you don’t think that would fly, no one is likely to object to (or possibly even notice) you reading articles online.

5. What does “Inactive (No Longer Accepting Job Submissions)” mean for my application?

I applied for a job about a month ago and was referred by a relative who works in the same company. I have not heard back yet, and although my status still says “Resume Acknowledged” and my relative told me that HR informed her that they are in the process of reviewing my resume, the job status just changed to “Inactive (No Longer Accepting Job Submissions).” This job was originally posted in August and just closed either yesterday or today. Does this mean that they will now be narrowing down which candidates to interview or does this mean that the position has been filled? I’ve heard that it also can mean that they have removed the position altogether. Any thoughts?

It probably means that they’re not accepting new applications, but it’s possible it means something else entirely. It depends on the company and how they use their particular system. But I wouldn’t try to read anything into it — as with any job application you submit, the best thing you can do is to assume you didn’t get the job, move on mentally, and let it be a pleasant surprise if they contact you.

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