I don’t want my long hours to make my team feel pressured to work late too

by Alison Green on October 19, 2023

A reader writes:

I work a lot, and I am worried that my schedule is making my team feel like they have to follow suit. It’s fine for them to work 40 hours a week (which I definitely do not do) but I’ve noticed stuff like them staying late or offering anxiously to be available during times when they’re not obligated to be (for example, saying they’ll work from home when they are sick, etc).

How do I make clear that I don’t expect them to follow my lead without sacrificing the work/life balance that works for me — or, at times like now, where it’s a lot even for me, without dropping the ball on the extra stuff that has to get done that I can’t delegate?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

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bombing an interview: let’s discuss

by Alison Green on October 19, 2023

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:

I bombed an interview today. Like seriously bombed, worst interview of my life. My brain just turned off. Could you request stories of other humiliating interviews so I don’t feel so alone? I went straight home and got into bed and right now I am feeling like I might never come out. Commiseration might help.

Ask and you shall receive.

Three of my favorite mortifying interview moments that have been shared here over the years:

  • “I was interviewing for basically a dream job and was asked, ‘What accomplishment are you most proud of?’ I proceeded talked about how proud I was for maintaining a healthy long term relationship. The interviewers didn’t push back, but they did seem awkward. I obviously did not get the position.”
  • “Phone interview for a bank role. They asked about how I would handle confidential information. I gave examples of experience I had with HIPAA info and handling private information and then I blurted out, ‘But ya know, everyone gossips!’ I have no idea why I said that! I’m not a gossipy person! I think I was trying to say something funny or friendly or whatever to connect to the interviewer.”
  • “I once went to an interview where they asked for an example of a time I’d resolved conflict – and I responded with a terrible laugh and said, ‘Well, I’ve caused some trouble.’”

Readers, let’s hear about your own bombed interviews and other job search mortifications in the comments.

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coworker is being a jerk about my bereavement leave, constantly coughing coworker, and more

by Alison Green on October 19, 2023

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker is being a jerk about my bereavement leave

A few weeks ago, on a Sunday, my beloved companion of many years, my dog, passed away. My company offers a two-day pet bereavement leave, and upon returning to work after this period, I encountered a challenging situation involving a colleague, Abby.

Upon my return, Abby remarked that I “didn’t appear sad enough,” a comment I found rather unsettling. Initially, I considered letting it slide as a one-time occurrence. However, Abby’s comments have persisted and escalated. It began with her suggesting, “It couldn’t have been a significant loss if you didn’t even post about it on social media,” and it evolved to her inquiring if I had “proof” of my dog’s passing and whether I took a photo of him during the burial.

I have already asked Abby to refrain from making these comments, but she appears resolute in her efforts to challenge my eligibility for taking the bereavement leave. It has now reached a point where I am scheduling my office visits based on Abby’s absence to avoid unwelcome encounters.

I am contemplating whether I should report this situation to our manager or the HR department. However, I am somewhat hesitant and concerned that it might be perceived as an overreaction on my part. Therefore, I would greatly appreciate your guidance on how to proceed.

What the hell?! What is wrong with Abby?! Can you imagine her making those comments about bereavement leave for a human? (Actually, unfortunately after years of writing this column, I can.) In any case, something is deeply wrong with Abby and she’s violently out of line.

If she makes another comment, say this: “I need you to stop talking about my dog and my bereavement leave. If you have issues with it, you should take it up with HR, not me. It’s not something I’m going to discuss with you further.”

You wouldn’t be at all out of line to mention this to your manager — as in, “Abby has made some bizarrely insensitive remarks to me about my bereavement leave and I don’t know what’s driving it, but I told her to take any issues she has with it to HR. I figured I should give you a heads-up in case she continues to make a big deal of it.” You don’t have to have that conversation with your boss if you’d rather not, but you wouldn’t be overreacting if you did. And if Abby continues after you clearly tell her to stop, you definitely should.

2. Shouldn’t my constantly coughing coworker close her office door?

A woman down the hall from my office has had a cough all week. I know because it’s extremely loud and constant and carries across the entire floor. She’s got her own office and when I walk past, she’s sitting in there alone with the door open. Am I justified in thinking she should at least close the door? I’m irritated by the noise and possible disease risk, though obviously I don’t know her health situation and it’s possible she’s not really sick — but it sure sounds like it! I’m not going to say anything, but I just want to know if this is poor office etiquette or if I need to shut up and be more empathetic.

Probably a bit of both.

Yes, ideally she’d close her door. She may know for sure that it’s not something contagious (although a lot of people think they’re “definitely not contagious” and then it later turns out they were), but the noise alone — and other people’s understandably heightened concerns about coughs since the pandemic — should prompt her to close the door.

Some people feel weird about closing their doors at work when they’re alone — like coworkers will assume they’re in there napping or watching movies all day or something — but even in offices without much of a closed-door culture, it’s generally fine to do when you have special circumstances like these.

3. I’m uneasy posting my current job on LinkedIn

I raised a family and started working again about seven years ago. I kept my LinkedIn profile updated with where I was working and my job titles. A little over a year ago, I started a new position with a new employer. I was about to update my LinkedIn profile again when I suddenly felt uncomfortable. I felt like I was publishing my personal address on the internet. Any stranger would know where I am located for 8-10 hours of my day. Also I’ve heard several stories where people get upset with you over something you did in your private life, and because they know or find out where you work, your employer finds out. And then you might get fired. I’m not the type of person who finds myself in compromising situations but the internet doesn’t wait for explanations!

My husband keeps urging me to update my profile with my new job. Are my fears reasonable? Or am I really shouting myself in the foot professionally by not listing my current position?

I think your fears are overblown (it wasn’t that long ago that everyone had phone books delivered to their doors with the home addresses of everyone in their state) but that’s about my comfort level, not yours. You get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and you don’t need to have LinkedIn at all if you’d rather not! (There are a small number of fields that are an exception to that, where you’re really expected to have it — like recruiting and some areas of media, for example — but you’d almost certainly know if you were in one of them.)

If it makes you uneasy, it’s okay to opt out or greatly limit what info you put on there. It means you’ll be removing LinkedIn as a place you might get recruited for future work, but that tends to only be a thing for people in certain types of fields anyway.

4. I desperately want to change jobs but I’m five months pregnant

I was laid off in January and took a job in a related field in March out of desperation. Being out of a paycheck scared me. Long story short, I am miserable. I’m not good at this job. I don’t like working directly with clients. I constantly feel defeated, and I’m having nightmares.

I would start looking for new opportunities, but I’m five months pregnant. I don’t know if it makes sense to stick it out for now and just try to make it to my maternity leave and look after, or if I should try job searching now when I’m definitely showing and may not get any leave at my new position. What do you think I should do? I’m very much panicking at this point. My confidence is shaken, and I feel so lost.

Start looking! Once you get to the offer stage for any new position, you can try to negotiate leave. Even though you won’t qualify for FMLA (which requires you to have worked there for a year first), people are often able to negotiate parental leave regardless. There’s no guarantee that you’ll definitely be able to, but it’s worth giving it a shot and seeing what happens — it might get you options that you don’t currently have. Once you see what they will or won’t agree to you, you can decide if it’s better than your current situation or not.

Also, job searches can take a while, and if you end up getting an offer close to the end of your pregnancy, you might be able to negotiate a start date for after your leave ends (whether or not that’s feasible depends on the type of work you do and how senior you are, but it’s a thing that can happen).

Plus, if you start actively searching now, you’ll probably feel less stuck than you do now.

5. Showing a company name change on my resume

I have been working for my current company since February. A few weeks ago the company, “Company A,” announced a rebranding and we are now under a different name, say “Company B.” On my resume, should I show my work experience as “Company B (formerly Company A)” or is there no real need to clarify and just list it as “Company B”? As Company A the company’s name was a widely known globally, whereas the new name will likely take some time to be recognized in the same way.

Technically you could do it either way, but since Company A’s name is more widely known, it makes sense to list it like this:

Company A (now operating as B)

If Company B’s name were better known, you could still do that or you could do it like this:

Company B (formerly A)

You could also do it that second way if the name change happened after you left but the new name had more cachet.

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my coworkers resent that my boss no longer yells at me

by Alison Green on October 18, 2023

A reader writes:

During the interview for my current job at a small family-owned company, I was informed that one of the people I would be working with, Bob, had a strong personality and was challenging to work with. What I wasn’t told is that Bob is the owner’s husband. One of the reasons he’s difficult to work with is because he yells a lot.

This has become a daily occurrence at my job. Bob enters the room where everyone is working and singles out an employee he thinks looks idle (his words) and asks them to do something unrelated to the company. This includes tasks like finding a new golf partner because the old one canceled a game, making reservations for tomorrow at a nearly impossible-to-book restaurant, or calling his doctor claiming he needs an appointment urgently.

The big issue arises if the unfortunate chosen employee asks any follow-up questions (like the reservation time or which golf partner to call first). Bob will respond by shouting that he’s the owner of the company (even though he’s not familiar with the day-to-day operations), and he’ll continue yelling for a few minutes. It’s terrible. One of the employees left in tears and never returned to work. They’ve tried hiring someone specifically to deal with Bob, but no one has lasted more than a month.

For weeks, I watched Bob’s outbursts from the sidelines. But this week, in a moment when I was handling something urgent that would cost the company money if not completed by the end of the day, Bob chose me as his target. He asked me to drop everything I was doing and find a quote for some gadget he saw in an ad. I said no. And predictably, he started yelling.

Believe me when I say I’m not a confrontational person. I never raise my voice, especially not in the workplace. I can’t explain how it happened, but I stood up (I’m a tall woman, nearly as tall as Bob) and shouted back. I explained, in a raised voice, that I was in the middle of task X and if I didn’t finish it by the end of the day, we’d lose money. But if he wanted the company to lose money while I did his research, that was fine.

Then, the unexpected happened. Bob returned to a normal and professional tone of voice and said it was okay; I could continue with task X, and when I finished, I could do the research for him. Since then, Bob hasn’t yelled at me. Even if he’s shouting at another employee, he pauses mid-sentence, addresses me in a normal voice before yelling at someone else.

However, my coworkers are now resentful because I no longer receive Bob’s outbursts. They spend their days making jokes about how I’m Bob’s favorite (I suggested they stand up to him too), that I should offer to do everything he asks (no thanks), and last Friday, when I mentioned needing a drink after a stressful week, a colleague pointed out that their week was even more stressful due to Bob’s shouting and that I shouldn’t join them so they could vent about Bob without me.

I’m actively looking for a new job to get away from Bob and my coworkers. But until that happens, do you have any advice on how to ease my coworkers’ resentment because I’m no longer the target of Bob’s outbursts? The job was already stressful before, but now that my coworkers won’t stop making comments about my “luck” in being Bob’s favorite, it’s become unbearable. Any ideas to improve this situation would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. The company has only 10 employees, and the closest thing we have to a Human Resources department is the company owner, who is also Bob’s wife.

Before we can get into your question, I first have to say: what a mess. It’s not okay for anyone to be yelling in an office, let alone repeatedly (daily!) and let alone because a colleague declined to do personal, non-work tasks for them. Does the company owner know her husband behaves like this? Is she around to see it? The whole thing is abusive and unacceptable, and ultimately as the owner she’s as responsible for it as her insufferable husband is.

But to your question. I’m not surprised that Bob backed down when you stood up to him and that he now treats you with more respect. That’s a common pattern for office bullies — not 100% of the time, but often. Abusive jerks like Bob pick on people who they think have less power and no choice but to take it (see also: people who are rude to waiters) and so when someone stands up to them, that shakes up that power equation in their mind, making them more likely to shift their bullying to targets who don’t give them a hard time. (Again, not always. And we certainly shouldn’t blame people who don’t feel safe standing up to bullies. But sometimes it does work.)

It’s sad that your coworkers saw you stand up to Bob and now resent you for no longer being his target! It’s a sign of how sick your office’s culture is that you’re getting the blame for escaping, rather than Bob getting the blame for being an asshole.

You can’t heal that sick system; you don’t have the power to do that. You can offer to help your coworkers strategize on how to deal with Bob themselves. (If you do, keep in mind that it might not be as simple as “yell back” for all of them; it’s possible you have characteristics that made Bob back off and which they lack, or that they’ll just never feel safe doing that, and that’s their call to make.)

It might even make sense to point out to the most sensible among them, “We’ve all been wanting someone to stand up to Bob for years and it really sucks that when I finally did it, I’m getting flack for it. Can we step back and agree the problem here is Bob, no matter who he does or doesn’t target?”

Also — has anyone tried talking to the owner? Yes, she’s Bob’s wife, but that doesn’t mean she’ll definitely be okay with him terrorizing her staff.

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my client refuses to pay my cancellation fee

by Alison Green on October 18, 2023

A reader writes:

I have a friend, Frank, who I met because we both enjoy certain sports. I only see Frank when I am involved in this sport, but it’s a small community so everyone knows each other. Because my business caters to this sport, Frank decided he would like to use my service. And because he is a friend, I gave him a discounted price. My business is appointment-based and I can only see one client at a time, so we have a strict 24-hour rescheduling policy. He has cancelled his appointment many times without proper notice, leaving me in a lurch. I explained that I am unable to see other clients when he does this. When I confront him about this, he gets very angry and says he is not a “client” (he is “more than that”) and I should not treat him as such. He refuses to pay the cancellation fee.

Meanwhile, an ex-employee who was fired for insubordination and stealing clients is siding up to Frank — disparaging my name and my company, all the while trying to steal him as a client. Because of Frank’s flaky nature, I’m not too sure this wouldn’t be a bad thing.

The problem is that Frank is very good at certain athletics and is a featured client on our advertising campaign. He also knows many people in the sporting community and word gets around. Should I suck it up? Or set a boundary, change my campaign, and let the chips fall as they may?

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • My vendor fired my son unfairly
  • Will my new hire feel uncomfortable being the only team member without a graduate degree?
  • A friend interrupted my job interview in a coffee shop
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my coworkers complain I’m violating the dress code, but I’m not

by Alison Green on October 18, 2023

A reader writes:

I started a new role in a very corporate environment in December. At the time I was actually interviewing for a lower level position with Company X but the department managers who interviewed me apparently liked my skill set and interview performance enough to create an entirely new position just for me. They unfortunately chose to call my position “senior job title,” which I believe offended a few longtime employees right off the bat.

The first month or so I was here, the weather was simply awful and I saw a lot of folks dressing accordingly. Winter gear, big sweaters, rain and snow boots, boots, puffy vests, parkas. Our office dress code is business casual, jeans only on Friday. So when I wore a pair of clean, new duck boots to work on a horribly slushy day and was called into my manager’s office for a mild reprimand, I was quite surprised. (I had shared the elevator that morning with someone wearing the same boots!)

She laid out a few things that are “not Company X acceptable” like tennis shoes, flip flops, leggings — which I have since seen many many coworkers (including management) wearing regularly without any apparent issue. I felt a little attacked but I upped my wardrobe game to mostly tailored skirts, slim pants, suit jackets, silk shells, and dresses and mostly skip casual Fridays altogether.

Since then I have been receiving consistent praise for my performance, including being called into upper management level projects, two peer-nominated awards for excellence, a bonus, and a pay raise. My schedule was adjusted to a more desirable one as well. I absolutely feel appreciated and believe I am doing well, but I have reason to believe I am ruffling feathers among my coworkers unintentionally.

Last Friday was absolutely sweltering. I wore a flowy maxi dress that covered collarbone to ankle. No fewer than four people, including my boss, complimented me on the dress and I even sent a link to purchase it to another coworker. There was absolutely nothing about this garment that was prohibited by our dress code and it was definitely professional and worn on our “casual” office day. People were wearing shorts, flip-flops, and tee shirts that day, for reference.

Monday morning I was called into my manager’s office to be told that “someone” had complained about the dress. She made it clear she disagreed with the complaint, said she thought the dress was lovely and not a violation of any provision of our office dress code, but said she “had to” say something to me and was going to go to HR for a revision to our company dress code for “clarity.”

For some reason I am really upset by this anonymous complaint. I don’t want to be the person who polices anyone else’s wardrobe, but I did point out all the inconsistencies I see around the office with regards to clothing. It was really disheartening to feel as though someone is looking for the tiniest reasons to go to my boss about me and I have no idea who it could be. Every morning now when I get dressed, I am wondering what this person will complain about next.

If you have any suggestions as to how I might handle this I would be grateful. I really enjoy this job, I am learning a lot and have received company-wide recognition for my performance and contributions. I’ve made several friends here and I can see myself staying here for a long time. I do not, however, feel it is fair to be held to so much more formal wardrobe standards than those around me. Thoughts?

Your boss really sucks here. If she disagrees with a dress code complaint, she does not “have to” pass it on to you, nor should she. She’s supposed to have the judgment and confidence to say to the person complaining, “I disagree, that’s well within the dress code standards of our office” and leave it there. Passing the complaint on to you with “I disagree but I’m obligated to tell you” is ridiculous — it’s an abdication of her responsibilities as a manager, as well as really thoughtless about the way that’s likely to make you feel.

There are some exceptions to that, like if the feedback comes from an influential higher-up. It would be different if your boss had said, “I know it’s not prohibited by our dress code, but Very Important Person has a real thing about open-toed shoes and will make a big deal about it if anyone in our department wears them.” That’s making it clear the issue isn’t you but offering info about how to thrive in your particular culture, under a person who wields influence. But that’s not what happened here (or at least, your manager hasn’t conveyed it’s what’s happening).

As for what to do: First, are you by chance a different race/age/gender from most other people in your office or most other people in your position or at your level? Sometimes this kind of targeted, nasty campaign has a race/gender/age component to it, and if that might be in play, it can be helpful to name it explicitly to your boss — as in, “Based on what I see other people wearing in our office regularly, it looks like I’m being singled out for different feedback as the only X on our team, and if that’s the case I’d ask that you address it with the people doing the singling out rather than passing it on to me.”

If that’s not the case, you could still go back to your boss and say something like: “I wanted to revisit our discussion about the dress code. Twice now you’ve shared anonymous complaints with me that I’m outside our dress code. From my understanding of the dress code, both what’s written and what I see people wearing around me, I’m solidly within our office’s norms. You noted that you disagreed with the most recent complaint felt you should relay anyway, and I wanted to ask: If that happens again and you disagree with the complaint, would you be willing to push back on the person who’s complaining? It’s demoralizing to hear anonymous feedback about my clothes when you acknowledge it’s wrong. Every morning now when I get dressed, I am wondering what this person will complain about next. So if you don’t agree with it, I’d really appreciate you telling them that rather than bringing it to me — because I have no idea what I can do other than hold myself to a more restrictive dress code than everyone else, which I know you agree wouldn’t be reasonable.”

An alternate version: “I’ve realized that when we spoke about the dress code, I didn’t come away clear on what actions you wanted me to take. You said you disagreed with the complaint but had to pass it on, so I want to get clarity from you: Is there something I’m doing that you need me to change? I know you wouldn’t ask me to follow a more formal dress code than everyone around me, so I wondered if I was missing some other subtext from that conversation.”

There’s a good chance this will nudge your boss into realizing how she’s handled this isn’t reasonable. But if you get a response implying that you should indeed dress more formally than your colleagues just to keep the peace with them, then it might be worth saying, “If that’s the case, I’m concerned something else is going on. If I need to adhere to a different dress code than others in order to keep the peace, it doesn’t sound like that would solve whatever’s causing that tension to begin with — and I worry it will just come out in other ways. Is that something you can help me dig into?”

You could also choose to bring HR into this at some point, as I doubt they want you held to a different dress standard than everyone else.

But your manager’s wimpiness is the core of the problem.

Read an update to this letter. 

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I don’t want to hear about all the snacks our main office gets, interviewing after scandal, and more

by Alison Green on October 18, 2023

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I don’t want to hear about all the snacks our main office gets

I work for a medium-sized law firm. In addition to our main office, we have three small satellite offices; I’ve been assigned to a satellite office (about a 10-minute drive from the main office) since March.

Ever since I came to this location, the main office still sends out the firm-wide emails about all the firm lunches, birthday cake, treats dropped off by other firms we work with, etc., but I’m not included.

I replied-all to one of the emails about the partners ordering coffee and bagels for “everyone” because one of the sinks in one break room had a leak so that half of the office couldn’t make its own coffee. (The other break room in that office still had coffee just fine.) All I said in response to the email that “coffee and bagels are here, enjoy!” was, “Ours hasn’t arrived yet.” The biz manager set up a Teams with me so fast and said to please never reply-all to firm emails.

This month contains my (and several others’) birthday. Every month they order a cake for the people with birthdays in that month. On Friday it was cake day at the main office. I got a call from our accounting department telling me I was allowed to run to Kroger up the street to buy A FIVE DOLLAR CAKE and “expense it” (so I wouldn’t even be reimbursed for two weeks because we’re paid bimonthly).

A few other staff come here too, and it’s not fair to them to miss out either. Nobody really wanted to come here! Any advice?

Whoever is doing this in your main office is in the wrong, but you’re making too big a deal out of it.

To be clear, they shouldn’t be handling it this way; they need to set up an email list that’s just for that local office and then make it clear that announcements about food, etc. should be sent there, not to everyone. It’s silly that they’re not. And you could and probably should suggest that!

But you’re not going to do yourself any favors by getting really aggravated if they don’t do it. This is a thing that sometimes happens when staff are spread out among different locations. It shouldn’t … but it sometimes does, and it doesn’t warrant getting this bothered by it.

However, why not suggest a small budget for treats for the satellite offices, pointing out that it’s a perk that shouldn’t be confined to only one location of the four?

2. When do I disclose an accidentally scandalous, very public past mistake?

About a decade ago, when I was just starting my career, I had a brief dalliance with a well-known celebrity. In my infinite 20-something wisdom, I wrote an indiscreet email to my friends about it … and that email leaked and went viral. It was quite the scandal at the time! Luckily, the tempest quickly passed, but if you google my name, multiple stories about it come up at the top of my search results.

Crucially, it hasn’t entirely affected my career. I had written the email from a personal address and off company time, so most people have chalked it up to youthful indiscretion. I’ve gone on to work at companies with great reputations and have consistently moved upward in my field. However, the industry I work in is small, and every job I’ve held has come from a referral in my network or a hiring manager who already knew me and liked my work, and had no issue with the situation. At most, the manager or HR has asked me to explain the situation, and in every case shrugged it off once I did. My references are also effusive about my work and, if asked, have vouched for my learning and growing from this incident.

I’m currently in final rounds for a great role at a large company, one that the recruiter herself has told me many times that I’m a perfect fit for. But this opportunity didn’t come from my network; I applied directly and was called in. I’ve met with the recruiter, the hiring manager, and the head of the department so far and no one has asked me about this yet. I’m not sure if they’re aware and unconcerned, or just haven’t gotten to that step yet. It’s not a buttoned up industry or role, but it is a role where discretion is often key.

Is this something I should proactively address with the recruiter? I don’t want to raise red flags where there may not be any, but I also don’t want them to potentially make any decisions based on a Google search.

My biggest worry would be if they hire you, you start the job, and then they find out at some point later and it’s a big concern for them. If you don’t raise it, you’re sort of gambling on that not happening — which I don’t think is an unreasonable gamble to make, since it’s been years and you’ve successfully built a career in that time. But given that risk, the question for you is whether you’d get more peace of mind by raising it (probably with the recruiter, framed as “I want to make sure this won’t be an issue for them down the road — it’s never been so far, but I don’t want it to be a surprise later after I’m already working there”). I don’t think you need to do that, but if it is going to be an issue, I’d rather you find that out before you take the job than after.

3. Should I report an obnoxiously pushy recruiter to the person who interviewed me?

I was contacted by a recruiter about a job. While I am open to better opportunities, I am satisfied in my current position so a job would have to be pretty awesome for me to want to move, and on first blush the offer this recruiter was presenting looked like a decent move. It involved a slight title change that I consider an upgrade, and the hourly wage was a slight improvement. I agreed to an interview, and eventually learned that the position was temporary with the possibility of permanent hire. My employer would be the temp agency, not the company I originally thought I was talking to. The temp agency “normally doesn’t offer” benefits to temp employees other than state-mandated sick days, so I would be losing my health insurance with no replacement, and the slight wage increase did not make up for that difference or for the costs I would incur going from 80% remote to 100% in-person.

I mentioned this during the interview, so the interviewer was able to negotiate with his boss an alternative pay option, where instead of hourly I would be salary with health insurance, PTO, and sick days, but the salary would be lower than the hourly worked out to. If I had no job, either offer would have been attractive, but it is a downgrade from my current compensation. I emailed the recruiter and interviewer, politely declining both offers and letting them know I was grateful for the opportunity, but it would not work with my budget.

The interviewer emailed back a pleasant “thank you for letting us know, we’ll keep you in mind for any higher-paying positions” type of response. The recruiter emailed with what seemed to be mild indignance: “It is a good opportunity and we both agreed on the hourly rate provided by the client, so can we discuss the reason you’re not comfortable doing the job so that I can try to help you out with the problem.” While I did agree the hourly wage sounded good in the initial conversation, I did not have the whole picture then. Then, before I had even finished reading the two email, the recruiter called (I declined the call) three times within 45 seconds. I assure you this is not hyperbole or exaggeration.

Should I mention the seemingly childish response to the person who interviewed me, so that he can determine whether they want to use this recruiter again? I do not know if the recruiter is an employee of their agency or is a third party. Quite honestly, the recruiter did not seem to be professional or very old.

Nah, let it go. The recruiter was annoying and pushy but it doesn’t rise to the level of something so egregious that it warrants reporting to his client.

4. How to word an out-of-office message when you’re travelling for a funeral

I have to leave town this week to attend a close family member’s funeral. I am broken up about the death and cannot speak about my loved one without being visibly emotional.

I will not be in a position to actively monitor my email and respond to inquiries while I’m out, so I need to put an out-of-office message up. However, I really, really want to find a way to word it so that (1) people do not assume that I’m away on vacation or doing something fun and (2) no one with a reasonable amount of emotional intelligence is inclined to ask me follow-up questions about how it went after I get back. I think it’s relevant to note that every time I’ve failed to note the reason for my absence in my out of office message, I come back to people cheerfully asking me how my vacation was or asking me about my travels. I don’t want to deal with that. It’s not okay, I’m not fine, there’s nothing any client can do to help, and I don’t want to talk about it with any clients beyond a cursory “sorry for your loss” / “thanks, I appreciate that” exchange. Is there a script for this?

Say you are “away until (date) for a family funeral.” That’s not oversharing but it communicates that you’re not on a fun vacation that people should ask about when you return.

You still might get people who forget and mistakenly think you were off doing something fun, because not everyone retains what they saw in an out-of-office message (if they even read beyond the “out of office” part), but it will take care of most of it.

I’m sorry about your family member.

5. What do I put on my resume when businesses I worked at have closed?

I work in the medical field in an industry where small private practices are the norm. I got my first job far from home in a location I love and have been practicing in this area for five years now. My first job just wasn’t a great fit. I loved my second job, but they decided to close while the Covid quarantines were happening. My next job started out great but ended up letting me go when we experienced a rather sharp decline in business (they eventually closed as well). Now I’m in a job where things are working out great, but unfortunately a close family member at home has taken a sharp decline in health suddenly and I have decided I need to move back.

What information should I provide on my resume about my chunk of work experience at places of business that no longer exist (three jobs in a row, and three of my five years of work experience)? Address and phone number information would be inaccurate, as neither of these businesses are still in existence. Do I just not list any? Do I explain this on the resume?

You don’t need to include employers’ addresses and phone numbers on your resume at all, even if the businesses were still in existence! You might choose to list city and state for each employer, but you can still do that for the three now-closed businesses because that was their location when you worked there. You don’t need to include any particular explanation that they’re no longer around, although when you get to the reference-checking stage it might make sense to mention at that point.

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I had to quit a job because of aggressive nesting geese

by Alison Green on October 17, 2023

A reader writes:

I’m writing about a past situation that I still think about.

I used to work in retail as a high school junior from August to March. I live in the midwest, where geese are pretty common in the spring. What was weird about this one though was that it decided to nest in a huge empty flowerpot (no idea why there were no flowers) right in front of the entrance to the store.

I have an extreme phobia of most animals. It’s manageable when they’re on leashes, but wild animals always make me really anxious. I had not told my boss this when he hired me because I did not think it was relevant to being a cashier. (I also just did not really know how interviews were supposed to go and got hired on the spot without much of a conversation.)

I was scared to go inside the store because of the goose, but I managed to have my mom walk me in a couple times, with some shaking and crying, but I got inside without much discussion with management. I was usually the only employee on my shift (it was not a very busy store and management would help if it did get busy) so I didn’t have to explain myself to any coworkers.

Then, one day when we were outside, another goose came out of seemingly nowhere and swooped at our heads. Neither of us were injured, but I was now even more afraid than before. I decided to (with the help of my mom) get advice from local animal control services. They recommended getting a large beach umbrella and using it to hide.

This method proved extremely unhelpful, and, in fact, made the problem worse. This time, multiple geese actually chased me around the parking lot while I was thrown into a complete panic attack until I finally managed to run inside. I should also note that another goose (or possibly two) was battling my mom with the umbrella!

We contacted animal control again, but they could not provide any further advice. We also contacted a couple of wildlife organizations, which directed me a man who might be able to do something about the removal of the goose (it is illegal to disturb nesting geese in any way, without a whole complicated process), although they also could not provide other advice on anything I could do.

My mom and I spoke to the man, who said he could not do anything about the matter without the consent of my boss. My boss, when the prior incident had occurred, had essentially said that since none of the customers had complained, there was nothing he could do other than let me in through a side door (despite another one of my managers also being afraid of the geese!) so I didn’t bother telling him. (He was only a store manager so he didn’t have the authority to do authorize the goose removal without much higher management getting involved, and I didn’t want to burden him or cause a strain in our relationship.)

My uncle had passed away this same week, so the next few times I was scheduled to work, we would drive by the store, I would see if there were geese by the side door, and, if there were, I would cite grief over my uncle as the reason why I could not come in to work.

Eventually, there was a day where I saw around 5-8 geese on top of the buildings in this parking lot and tried to call in again. My manager (not the main boss — the one also afraid of the geese, ironically) demanded I come in to work since she was going to be alone. I told her that she could not force me to come in to work but she could fire me, and my mom and I drove away.

Later, my boss contacted me and asked if there was something we could do to keep me on, but I explained that as long as the geese were there, I could not guarantee that I would be able to make my shift, and he wished me luck in the future. I do not believe we ended on bad terms, but they certainly were not good either.

I’m wondering if there was anything else I could have done in this situation or if there’s anything to be gained from this for the future. And it’s also just an intriguing cautionary tale!

I will always print letters about bears and geese, but please don’t spend any more thought on this! You have a goose phobia, there were wild geese nesting around the store who were not going to be relocated, you left the job accordingly, and that can be that. You were in high school; you handled it the best you could.

But since you’re asking: If we had a time machine, the thing I’d recommend doing differently is being more up-front about the situation with your boss at the beginning. Something like: “I have a phobia of geese that’s making it impossible for me to enter the store some days. Assuming the store isn’t willing to have the geese relocated, I won’t be able to continue in the job because I can’t reliably know when I’ll be able to walk through the door, if geese are there. I’m sorry about this!” (The apology isn’t for having a phobia — you don’t need to apologize for that — but rather more of an “I regret we didn’t both realize this earlier.”)

The strategy of driving around the store right before your shift to see if geese were there and then calling out if they were wasn’t a great plan because it (a) meant you were calling out just minutes before you were supposed to be there and (b) avoided dealing with the issue head-on, which dragged things out on both sides (and undoubtedly kept your anxiety in a state of high alert for a longer period of time).

But you were a teenager, presumably without a nuanced knowledge of employment stuff, and you did the best you could at the time.

You asked about lessons for the future. I’d say it’s just that when you can see something is going to be a big problem for you — problematic to the point that it’s basically prohibitive — speak up early. Lay your cards on the table (“I can do X but I can’t do Y” / “X is not possible for me; would Y be an option?” / “I hadn’t anticipated X when I came on board; it’s a problem because Y”) and have an open discussion. (Of course, inherent in that advice is that you need to be prepared for the answer to be “X isn’t something we can change, so it sounds like we should part ways,” so that framing is for situations where you’re okay with that outcome.)

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how can I do well in video interviews?

by Alison Green on October 17, 2023

A reader writes:

I’m job-searching for the first time in nearly a decade and am realizing that a lot of interviews these days, especially in early rounds, are done over video. This is a change from the last time I was interviewing, so I’m wondering what the best practices are for video interviews.

I don’t have a ton of options for quiet, private places with reliable internet for video calls. Is it OK to do these calls from my desk in my bedroom? The backdrop doesn’t really show anything personal — bookshelves, plants, a neat sofa. Part of my bed would be visible, though of course I would make it neatly. Is a bedroom too personal or too unprofessional a location to take a video call?

Any other tips or tricks to do well in video interviews?

Fortunately, the surge in video calls that started with the pandemic means that interviewers are pretty used to seeing people interview from their homes now and understand that the backgrounds on video calls will reflect that. As long as you’re not taking a video call from your actual bed, your bedroom should be a perfectly fine place to do the interview. You don’t want a nest of rumpled sheets and blankets in the background, of course, but as long as the room is neat and uncluttered and there’s nothing inappropriately personal in view of the camera, you should be fine. (“Inappropriately personal” means a copy of the Kama Sutra shouldn’t be in view, but family photos or a shelf of novels are fine.)

You might also experiment with a virtual background. If you do, pick something simple; the less busy, the better. And because this is a business call, choose something like a blank wall or an office setting rather than a beach or sunset.

Other tips to help you do well in video interviews:

1. Do a trial run ahead of time.

Don’t wait until a few minutes before your interview to set up your space. Do a complete trial run with a friend ahead of time so you can see how you look on your computer’s camera and sound on its microphone. You might even wear the outfit you plan to wear for the interview so you can make sure it’s not doing anything weird like blending in with the background and making you appear to be a floating head.

2. Get the lighting right.

Ideally, you’d do your trial run at the same time of day as you’ll be interviewing so you can see how the natural light affects things. The wrong lighting can make you look washed out or ghostly or like a dark silhouette without any features. Make sure any light is aimed at you from the front, not from behind you; for example, don’t sit with a window at your back. If your light source is too harsh, try covering it with a cloth to soften it (even a T-shirt will do).

3. Have everything you need on hand.

Ahead of your interview, assemble anything you might need during the conversation — a glass of water, paper and a pen to take notes, and so forth. Keep a copy of your résumé and the job description for the role you’ll be discussing nearby, too, since those can be helpful to glance at as you talk.

4. Use the strongest internet connection you can.

If you have a bad data connection, you can end up with more of a delay on both sides, which can make the whole conversation feel less natural. If you have a wired network connection, use it; it will generally be more reliable than Wi-Fi.

Also, try to coordinate with other people in your household so they’re not doing anything that uses a lot of bandwidth during your interview. Video already takes up a lot of bandwidth, and if other people on your network are streaming movies online at the same time, you may have a weaker connection. While you’re at it, ask them to keep the noise to a minimum while you’re on as well.

5. Look at the camera, not the people you’re talking to.

Looking into the computer’s camera will read as eye contact on your interviewer’s end — whereas if you look into the eyes of the image on your screen, on the other end it will appear that you’re looking away. (This takes practice before it feels normal! If you’re not already a big video caller, it’s helpful to get used to it ahead of time by asking friends to Zoom with you.)

6. If you’re distracted by your own image, cover it.

If you get self-conscious when you see your own image on the screen (or, lucky you, so delighted that you keep focusing on it), try covering it with something like a sticky note so you’re not distracted. Or some video chat programs will let you remove that window altogether.

7. Keep everything else on your computer closed.

Close out all your other windows so you’re not distracted during the interview. Quit e-mail programs, Slack, or anything else that might pop up with notifications during the call (and if you can, turn all your notifications off; it’s very hard not to peek at them, and you don’t want your interviewer to see your eyes continually darting off to the corner of the screen).

8. Pants: Wear them.

It’s easy to think a video meeting lets you wear the mullet version of an interview outfit — business on the top and pajama party on the bottom. But it’s smart to wear something reasonably professional on the bottom, too, in case you end up having to stand and walk away from your computer during the interview. If you have to jump up because a fire alarm goes off or a neighbor starts banging on your door, ideally you won’t be in sweat shorts or pajama pants covered with ducks.

9. Make a strong impression at the start of the interview.

When you interview in person, there’s usually an informal settling-in period: You and your interviewer meet, shake hands, walk to an office or conference room, get seated, and probably make some initial small talk before the interview really begins. When you’re interviewing by video, there isn’t anything equivalent to that process, which can leave the first few minutes of the call feeling awkward. So at the start, make sure you look right into the camera when you greet your interviewer, introduce yourself using an upbeat tone, and smile warmly. Those seem like small things, but they’ll help you appear engaged and make a strong initial connection. And speaking of appearing engaged …

10. Mind your expression.

Video calls have some clear disadvantages over in-person meetings: Eye contact is often slightly off, audio delays can interrupt the natural flow of conversation, and body language isn’t as easy to read. That means your facial expressions will be doing nearly all the heavy lifting when it comes to nonverbal communication. To signal to your interviewer that you’re engaged and enthusiastic (and, frankly, just a generally likable person), make sure you’re using your face — nod, smile, and maintain a pleasant expression even when you’re not talking.

Originally published at New York Magazine.

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when my boss wants me to do something I really don’t want to do, can I just … not?

by Alison Green on October 17, 2023

A reader writes:

I work as a political/administrative assistant and my boss is incredibly busy (as am I). She is an important political person who also oversees our organization, and her schedules change a lot. Very often I need to reschedule meetings, whole days, and whole weeks on her calendar because something extremely important comes up. As it is usually already full of pretty important things, handling the calendar is a nightmare, and contacting people to do this is my least favorite part of my job, but it is how it is. Simplified: if you have a meeting with an ambassador and the president would like to meet you at the same time, you have to reschedule the ambassador and not ask the president to do so.

But sometimes I don’t want to. Right now I’m dealing with something like that, and I have a question. My boss once again has a change of plans (a Very Important Meeting came up that requires a lot of traveling) and she can’t participate in another Somewhat Important Meeting. Priorities are clear, but she has asked me to contact the organizers of the Somewhat Important Meeting and ask them to reschedule, and if that can’t be done, then we need to hold the meeting without her — which is not optimal, but still possible. These kinds of meetings are usually attended on our side by both someone from the political leadership side (most often my boss) and our personnel (the people working on these issues day-to-day.) Sometimes we need to attend without the politicians because of last-minute conflicts in schedules.

The problem this time is that I really don’t want to contact the organizers. This meeting consists of relatively high-up and very busy people from three or four different ministry-level organizations (although none of them as busy as us). It was first scheduled last spring for this August and … we had to reschedule a couple of weeks prior. The organizers were very, very irritated and made it extremely clear that it was highly inconvenient to them and unlikely to be possible, but somehow they were able to reschedule and the meeting is in November. And now, a couple of weeks prior again, my boss wants me to contact them and ask for a reschedule.

I just feel like it’s a waste of time and a bad look, and so, so embarrassing. They most likely can’t reschedule it again, as this matter is very time-sensitive, and we will only look (even more) out of touch and inconsiderate. I told my boss that it’s likely not going to happen and that it was very difficult previously, and she wanted me to still ask and if they can’t reschedule, we will attend the meeting without her.

I would like to skip this step of asking. Because of the massive amounts of work and hectic schedules, she would never know. Most likely she wouldn’t remember to even ask (we are really really really busy). If I lied that I asked and they said no, she would never know. Writing this, I realize that I definitely can’t lie (obviously, although I’m really tempted to just tell her that it wasn’t possible — that’s not that far from the truth), but my first question is: is there something I can do? Right now I’m considering just staying quiet about it and if she asks, I will tell her that I skipped the step and accept her irritation. She appreciates my work a lot so I do have some leeway.

The second question (especially in the case you tell me that I should try and reschedule despite all this): I need to do this weekly if not daily. Some meetings are easy to reschedule, some like these are extremely difficult. Some I need to cancel entirely, often on very short notice. Are there any magic words on how to contact people with these requests, especially in cases like this one, where the other side has already both been flexible and shown irritation in doing so? I would love to tell everyone that this definitely pains me more than you, haha. I guess I wonder how I can effectively recognize both that this is highly inconvenient but also necessary.

I get why you hate doing this — you’re the face of something that feels rude — but you still need to ask to reschedule.

There are a few reasons for that:

1. It’s really your job. You manage your boss’s schedule, and part of your job is to represent her and how she wants her office handling things. You can certainly push back and explain why you’d like to do it differently — but ultimately it’s her call to make.

2. You don’t know what else might be going on. For all we know, the date is inconvenient for the organizers too but they’re keeping it because they assume rescheduling with your office would be too much of a hassle. There’s a chance they’ll be more willing to reschedule than you’re currently assuming.

3. If you don’t bother to ask, there’s a risk it could get revealed to your boss in ways you’re not anticipating — like if at some point they happen to say to her, “That date for the X meeting turned out to be the worst possible one because of Y, but we’ll find a way to make it work” … at which point she might say, “Didn’t my office contact you about changing it?” You might figure that if that happened, you have enough good will built up with your boss that it wouldn’t be a huge deal … but it’s the kind of thing that can erode what was previously an unquestioning faith in your honesty.

4. They might not think it’s as rude as you think it is. Assuming your boss has the level of importance that she sounds like she has, people understand leaders at that level have hectic schedules. They can be irritated by having to reschedule while still understanding it comes with the territory — especially when they have the option of just holding the meeting without her (versus rescheduling yet again).

When you have a manager like this — and especially when you work very closely with them, like you are — it’s easy to start thinking you know better than they do about the things they want done in their name. Sometimes you really might! You’re seeing different pieces of the work than they are and have a different (and sometimes better) perspective on it than they do. It can be very tempting to think, “I’m just going to quietly ignore task X, and they will be better off in the long run for it.” And frankly, sometimes that’s true, and the wisest course is to do that. But that power is a very delicate thing, and you need to wield it delicately … because trust is essential in order to do those sorts of jobs well, and it only takes one instance of your boss realizing you deliberately hid something for that trust to start to waver.

You still might need to sometimes anyway! In certain types of work, sometimes making that type of call can be part of what makes you awesome at your job. But I don’t agree that this specific issue — needing to reschedule a meeting — rises to the level of significant enough to warrant you wielding that power here.

However! All of this aside, you can do what your boss asked in a way that smooths over the issues you’re worried about. You can ask about rescheduling in a way that recognizes how unlikely they are to be able to do it. For example: “I’m so sorry about this, I know we’ve already had to reschedule once and I know how inconvenient that was. Unfortunately, Jane now has a conflict we can’t move, which just came up. If by some odd chance you’re able to reschedule, we’d like to — but if that’s not feasible, we can stick with this date and proceed without Jane. While she wouldn’t be able to attend, we’d send Cecil Livingstone and Valentina Warbleworth from our side.” You could also add, “Jane asked me to say how very sorry she is for this back and forth; she cares deeply about MeetingTopic but to some extent we’re always at the mercy of (world events / the president’s schedule / whatever you can plausibly fill in here that makes sense).”

And keep in mind, as much as you’re the face of your boss in interactions like these, reasonable people will know you’re in a tough spot even when they’re irritated. They’ll know you’re probably not the one making these calls yourself, and that you’re working within the constraints you’ve been given.

Read an update to this letter. 

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