Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager wants me to marry a stranger for immigration purposes

My manager from another country has asked me to marry some guy from their country. It would be sexless and just to get their green card to work here. Is this illegal?

Yes, that’s illegal. It’s immigration fraud and it’s punishable by large fines and prison time. (It’s also not a matter of just signing a form; there’s pretty extensive questioning from immigration officials in the process.)

2. My boss wants me to provide proof I was in a car accident

I had to call out of work because of a car accident. It was a pretty bad car accident but everybody was okay. I had to have the car towed to the body shop and couldn’t make it to work. I rely on my car to get me places as my commute is about an hour away. My boss is now requesting a police report or some proof I was in an accident because it sounds like they don’t believe me. Is it okay for them to do this?

They can certainly require it (and you probably have the towing receipt, if nothing else), but the bigger issue is why they feel they need to. Have you missed a lot of work or called out a lot at the last minute? If so, what you’re hearing is that they’re pretty skeptical of you at this point. (If so, they should sit down and have a direct conversation with you about it, but that’s the message you should be hearing.)

If you haven’t had any attendance or reliability issues, then I’d say something like, “Have I done something to make you doubt I’d be anything other than honest with you and responsible with my job?” (Do also provide the documentation they want, which will give you extra firm ground to stand on in saying this.)

3. Exit interviews in a toxic workplace

The good news is that I’m going to be giving notice at the beginning of next month, leaving a toxic, paranoia-inducing corporate culture. The bad news is that my exit interview will be with one of the people who have been key in making this formerly pleasant environment a miserable place to work in. This person is nasty and vindictive, and I’m worried that if I’m even the slightest bit honest about my reasons for leaving, I’ll get bad referrals. Worse still, this person fancies herself an amateur therapist, so I doubt she’ll have much regard for boundaries when she asks questions.

How do I give as little information as possible as to why I’m leaving? Honest answers wouldn’t improve the corporate culture or process anyway (management has repeatedly demonstrated a “if you don’t like it, get out” mindset). Are there any particular phrases I can use to exit gracefully and without incurring managerial wrath?

Since your goal here is to escape unscathed and without endangering a good reference, I’d stick to saying that you’ve enjoyed your time there and are leaving because you got an offer you couldn’t turn down. None of it is about them, blah blah blah.

And for employers out there, if you want honest answers in exit interviews, you need to be thoughtful about who’s conducting them and what assurances you can give that there won’t be negative repercussions for the feedback you hear — as well as create an environment where people will believe you that it’s safe to be candid. None of that sounds like the case here.

Read an update to this letter here.

4. Job searching when I might need 4-6 weeks off to donate an organ

I recently started job searching and already have a phone interview set up for next week thanks to your great advice! If all goes well, I’m hoping to be in a new role sometime around the new year. My concern is that I am also currently pursuing testing to evaluate my candidacy as a live organ donor for a good friend of mine. If all of that goes well, I will need to be out of work for about 4-6 weeks sometime in the first half of next year.

I’m unsure when or how to bring it up with a new company when it’s not a for-sure thing. I want to give them a heads up that I’m looking into it and I’d like to discuss the possibility of compensation for that time frame without putting my job at risk for possibly being gone for a month and a half within my first 6 months at a new company.

Do I bring this up at the offer stage or after I start? And how do you ask for possible time off for elective surgery?

(For reference, I used up my FMLA leave last spring on maternity leave. Some compensation may be a possibility if the organ donation is treated as bone marrow donation which is required to be compensated up to 40 hours in my state.)

Wait for an offer, and then negotiate the time off as part of your offer negotiations (explaining the situation and that you might not end up needing to take it; it’s fine to just be candid about what it’s for). You’re most likely to get them to agree to letting you take the time unpaid; they’re less likely to pay you for the time you’re out, unless you’re especially in-demand — so what you’re really looking for here is getting the time itself okayed.

If they agree, get the agreement in writing. (An email is fine — just something that documents that this was agreed to.)

Also, keep in mind that FMLA won’t come into play here, unless you’ve been at the new company for a year when you take the time off. FMLA coverage doesn’t kick in until after a year of employment.  (The fact that you used  up your FMLA time with your current employer won’t be relevant since the clock resets when you move to a new employer.)

And you’re awesome for being willing to do this.

5. Using my work computer for personal use

If I am in my office during my off hours (evenings and weekends), can I get into trouble for using my work computer for personal use?

It depends on your particular company’s policies and culture, and also on what you’re using it for. Some companies are totally fine with people using their work computers for personal use, and some aren’t. Even among those that are fine with it, they’re not usually fine with it if the personal use is job-hunting, viewing porn, or other hopefully obvious don’ts.

If you do use your work computer for personal use, you shouldn’t assume privacy. Your employer generally has the ability to view what websites you go to, what documents you create, and so forth. (Whether they exercise that ability depends on the employer, but it’s something to keep in mind.)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee won’t copy me on his emails

One of my subordinate is trying to sideline me by not copying me on his emails. Should I send out an email to all departments, asking them to copy me when sending emails to my subordinates? If so, how should I put the email in order not to sound too odd?

It’s not normal for employees to copy their manager on all of their emails, or for managers to request that. The reason you can’t figure out a way to request it that doesn’t sound odd is because there isn’t one — it would be odd, and in most cases it would reflect badly on you.

Unless there’s some really unusual extenuating circumstance here, you should drop this expectation and figure out better ways to stay in the loop.

2. “On my old team, we did it this way”

I am a new manager and have a question I’d love your response to. Several of the people on my team say things like, “On my old team, we did it *this* way…” or similar things, and they often conflict. All of us were tossed together, from all different teams, and while I want to ease the transition to a new team, I am ready for this kind of talk to stop. It’s draining for me, and even those who have said it themselves are frustrated by it when someone brings it up.

What is the key to creating history together, as a new team? And why do so many people long for their old teams immediately after getting to a new one?

People in general like the familiar, and change makes people uneasy — particularly when it’s their work lives that feel unstable, since that’s tied into their professional identities and ability to earn a living. So it’s not surprising that people are leaning heavily on how things used to work.

And really, there’s value in knowing how people have done things successfully in the past. You don’t want your message to be that there’s not. But it’s reasonable to point out how wearing this particular framing can be, and ask people to be mindful of that. For instance, you could say, “I’ve realized we’re all talking a lot about how our old teams used to do things. There’s value in that experience, but in forming a new team, we’re going to come up with ways of doing things that might be different. If you have good ideas from how you’ve done things in the past, or how you’ve seen them done, I want you to bring them up — but let’s all be mindful that we’ll be creating new processes too. Even just saying, ‘one way I’ve seen this done well was X’ can have a different feel than a steady stream of ‘my old team did X.'”

3. My manager purposely gives negative references to people who are trying to leave

I know you’ve written in the past about how to approach potential employers when it comes to providing them with your current manager as a reference. I know you say to only make your current supervisor available as a reference when it’s contingent on a job offer. What do you do when your current supervisor has shown he or she will purposefully give unflattering references to leaving employees? (He won’t directly speak negatively or lie, but will purposefully sound unenthusiastic.)

Our department has had significant turnover in the past year, and our department head is not happy about it. A coworker of mine listed our department head on her job application but specifically said for him to not be contacted. The potential employer contacted him anyway, and our manager purposefully gave an unflattering reference. (My coworker has never had less than a glowing review and our manager has always spoken highly of her.) He then approached my coworker and called her unprofessional, saying she should have informed him that she was interviewing elsewhere. I have two potential job offers coming within the next few weeks. How do I approach this if they ask to speak to my current supervisor before offering me a job? I do not trust him to be honest and not sabotage an offer.

Many employers understand if you refuse to allow your current employer to be contacted, since in many cases that can jeopardize someone’s job. But if you encounter an employer who insists a job offer is contingent on talking to your current manager, I’d be direct: “My manager has a history of giving poor references to people who are trying to leave. However, I’d be glad to put you in touch with many others who can speak to my performance at my current job.” (And then offer other coworkers, ideally ones in higher-level positions than you — as well as clients or anyone else who can talk about your work.) If you happen to have copies of glowing performance reviews from this manager, those can be helpful to offer up too.

Also, your manager is a horrid person.

4. I resigned and my employer moved up my last day

I recently turned in my resignation to my employer on October 29. I allocated one month to finalize any pending responsibilities and/or find a replacement. My manager in turn told me my final day was going to be November 21, due to the slow week during Thanksgiving. I agreed and got my objectives for my final three weeks, but was told today (November 6) that I was going to be cut loose with pay stopping today. I know she can cut me loose any time after my resignation but can she withhold pay after giving me a final day. Therefore, I’m three weeks out of work before my new opportunity starts?

Yes, once you resign, your employer can move up your last day as early as they want. And they don’t need to pay you for days you didn’t work (assuming no agreement to the contrary). You might be able to collect unemployment for those three weeks though.

It’s too late for this now, but if you were giving one month’s notice for the employer’s convenience rather than your own, it’s good to frame it that way at the beginning and ask them to commit to paying you through your full notice period (and summarize the agreement in an email so there’s a written record of it).

5. Am I hurting my chances by telling employers I’ll be leaving in 6-12 months?

I’m studying for medical coding certification and have no experience in the healthcare field. I just had my first interview today with a company that is not in the healthcare industry, but one where I’m well qualified. I’m mostly applying to healthcare industry jobs, but I need a job now and I was a great fit. They were excited about my qualifications, but when I asked them if they had any concerns I could address I opened up about my plans to work as a coder in the next 6-12 months. Everyone told me I should conceal this information but I felt like I’d just be lying, hurting the company, and hurting myself in the future as I looked for that sparkling coding job without any good reference from my current employer to back me up. They might also then find out that I was looking elsewhere so soon and fire me with haste.

Would withholding my intentions from this employer have been perfectly okay since I don’t know how long it could take to get that coding job, or would that have been as immoral as I think it would’ve been?

If you’re planning to leave a new job in 6-12 months, you probably need to be looking for temporary work or work in fields where high turnover is acceptable. Most employers aren’t going to want to put the time and resources into training someone who is going to leave six months later — in many jobs, you’re only starting to return the employer’s investment in you at that point, so it doesn’t make sense for them to hire you, knowing that you’ll be leaving so soon.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager’s girlfriend just joined our team

Three weeks ago, my direct manager’s girlfriend joined my team from another team in the company. It felt like a really bad idea at the time and my worries have started to come true. We’re working in a creative field and he has to sign off on design ideas and our work. It’s very obvious when we discuss ideas in meetings that they’ve already discussed things in advance which makes it feel like my and my colleagues’ ideas will never get the same chance.

She’s a good team member and I like her as a person, but it’s really affecting how I feel about my job. Bringing in ideas feels more like a waste of time, as they’ve already discussed things over the weekend and I’ll never get the same “space” to present mine as she gets.

Both of them are youngish (late 20 – early 30) and it’s his first position as a manager (and he has been at it for a couple of months). Do you have any suggestions on how to (and with who) bring this up? Our (one person) HR is pretty crazy so I’d prefer not go through them. What worries me is that my manager will become defensive and claim their relationship doesn’t affect his work.

It’s insane that your company is allowing your manager to supervise his girlfriend. Insane, and I wonder if they even know about it. Allowing it opens the company up to all kinds of bad things — like the appearance of unearned special treatment (as you’re seeing firsthand), him not giving her objective feedback feedback or assessing her performance impartially, and even charges of harassment down the road (“I wanted to break up with him, but he implied it would affect my job…”).

But it’s a really awkward thing to talk to a manager about directly — and it’s unlikely he’s going to take action to change the situation himself anyway. So if you want it addressed, you probably need to either talk to HR (despite your HR person being crazy — this kind of thing is HR 101 so unless they’re crazy and horribly incompetent, they should still intervene) or someone with authority over your boss.

2. When a former employee wants to come back but you don’t want to hire them

Our office employed a person in the same role for about a decade. Last year, they moved to a less demanding and technical job in the company. This was at a busy time for us and left us in a crunch, but we managed. Now, the person we got to replace them (who was excellent, and really expanded upon the work previously done by this position) has been promoted, leaving the position vacant again, and the position’s original occupant wants to return, having found the new job unsatisfying for a variety of reasons.

The thing is, we have some very promising candidates, and are not sure we want the person back. Although this person has a wealth of institutional knowledge, their work was sometimes sloppy and they didn’t keep up with the technological changes in this field. I doubt that they were given any feedback indicating a need to improve while they were still working in our office, so they likely believe they are a sure thing for this current hiring process. Do you have any advice for handling this situation delicately?

I’d be direct: “We’ve taken the role in a different direction since you were last in it — Jane did X, Y, and Z in the role and we’d like to keep going in that direction. I’m glad to talk with you about the opening, of course, but I want to be transparent with you that we’re also talking with other candidates, and it’s going to be a competitive process.”

3. My boss doesn’t understand what I do

My new supervisor does not understand what I do. I work on a very specialized project that is not really integrated at all with the rest of the organization, because it comes from a separate funding line. I do some technical work like light web programming and some research. We’ve discussed my work many, many times but I think fundamentally he just does not understand it.

A coworker of mine who is closer with him told me that he had mentioned he has no idea whether I’m a good or bad employee, because he doesn’t understand my work. She told this to me in a joking way, but I’m pretty concerned about it. I can’t get feedback about my work from the federal employees who are actually involved with my project because they aren’t allowed to have that kind of relationship with a contractor. But my actual boss has no idea whether I’m doing a good job or not. I’m at a loss as to what to do, aside from continuing to give him metrics that he doesn’t understand, or forwarding him a bundle of “thank you” emails from my customers. And now I’m even starting to question whether I’m good at my job.

Is it on me to make sure my boss understands my role? And do you have any ideas on how I might approach that?

Is there any way to talk about your work in terms of the outcomes you’re responsible for achieving? The details of your work themselves may be too different from your boss’s responsibilities for him to easily understand, but he probably doesn’t need to understand those details anyway; what he needs to understand is what outcomes you’re responsible for and whether or not you’re achieving them.

In other words, if your job is done extremely well, what does that look like to others in your organization? What outcomes affect your team or your company or other parties, and how? I’d lay out for your boss what you’re working to achieve in those areas, and then periodically proactively report in on the progress you’ve made toward those goals.

4. Employee gave four days notice and wanted to use vacation for part of it

I’m a manager of a small business with nine employees. One of my staff recently asked for a day off, which I approved. Two days later, the staff member gave notice and told me they were leaving within four business days because the other company was “desperate.”

I accepted the resignation but asked that the employee forgo their vacation day (which they mentioned that they were using to hang out around the house) so we could train one of the other staff to do their job while we were trying to find a replacement. Like many small companies, we don’t have a ton of overlap among employee responsibilities. The employee was very angry, telling me that they would not have another vacation day for several months.

I’m a pretty seasoned manager and realize this employee could have quit on the spot without notice. But was it wrong of me to rescind their approved leave? I come from the school of thought that you should at least give your employer two weeks notice – especially if you are asking me to be a reference.

Nope, that was totally reasonable. The point of the two-week notice convention is to have time to transition your work. Your employee was already violating that by only giving four days notice, and it was entirely reasonable of you to say that you’d like them at work for all of those four days. In fact, many companies don’t let people use vacation time during their last two weeks at all (for exactly this reason — they want them there to help with the transition). Your employee’s expectations are way out of whack with how this stuff works.

5. How to greet a hiring manager in an email

I was wondering on how to address or start emails to a recruiter and/or hiring manager. I have been communicating with a recruiter on scheduling interviews, following up, etc., and she will begin her emails with my name and then a comma (like “Anna,”). It seems like a common practice, but I wonder if this is too formal or maybe even rude without any greeting if an applicant does it. I’ve been writing or replying back with “Hello so-and-so,”, but I also wonder if this is not the proper way either. What is the etiquette on communicating with recruiters and hiring managers? Would it be weird if I suddenly switched?

You’re over-thinking it. First, if a hiring manager is addressing you a certain way, you don’t need to worry that it’s too informal to address them back the same way. They’re telling you that they’re fine with that level of informality. Beyond that, it really doesn’t matter. Hi Jane, Hello Jane, Dear Jane — any of those are fine.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to resign when my boss will lie and tell everyone I was fired

How should I tender my two weeks notice to a dysfunctional workplace with egomaniacal bosses who will likely tell everyone that I did not leave for a new position, but rather they fired me? This is academia, and these bosses are PhDs who are used to having the last word, even if it is self-serving and untrue. Other staff / graduate students will probably believe whatever they say or at least act as if they do to protect their own interests.

If you think your managers are going to lie about the situation, I’d let the rest of your colleagues know that you’re resigning to accept a new position at Employer X doing Job Y as soon as you tell your manager. When someone says that they’re leaving to take a concrete, actual job, it’s much harder to make it look like they were just fired. Hell, you could even tell them before you tell your manager — hit send on a group email on your way into your manager’s office. As long as the email is gracious, there’s nothing wrong with doing that in a context where you expect your resignation to be misrepresented.

Also, since this is academic, there’s an HR department and it probably has its share of bureaucracy and rules. If you’re concerned that your managers are actually going to defame you, it wouldn’t hurt to check in with HR to see how you can head that off.

2. Can I refuse an offensively small raise?

I have not had a raise since 2005. I have been with the company since 1999 and have taken on more responsibility and two more departments. I just received a great evaluation from all of my managers, but when it came time to give the raise, they only gave me 58 cents. Will I lose my job if I refuse that little amount?

Well, refusing a raise because it’s offensively tiny is a bit dramatic and adversarial. Instead, why not advocate for the raise you want, explaining why you’ve earned it?

3. Can I ask my employer to hire a replacement for my boss, who left?

I’m the poster from a few months ago who asked the question (#4 at the link) about whether I should quit my internship. Because I know my fellow readers love an update, here is one: I decided to take the advice of some of the readers and decided to remain at my painstakingly boring internship. Luckily for me, I was shortly after offered a full time position at a nonprofit doing exactly what I want to do.

Now I’ve been here for almost three months and I’ve run into some issues. The organization I work at is very small. Due to internal issues, the previous director of my particular program quit, so now my small program within the small organization is being overseen and “managed” by the organization’s executive director, who is, to put it mildly, a hot mess! She is disorganized, rude, abusive, etc. She is also running the program I work in into the ground. So much so that one of my three-member team — the most senior member of our team (the other 2 of us have worked here for less than 3 months; she’s been here for a couple of years) — is actively searching for employment elsewhere. Since my position and my colleague’s position are grant funded, I’m worried that this poor leadership will leave me unemployed sooner rather than later.

Can I ask my boss (the executive director) if we (or I) can post a job announcement for a real program director (and a replacement for my quitting coworker)? Does the fact that I’m still on my 90-day probation make this request reflect poorly on me?

It’s a reasonable thing to bring up, but that’s not how I’d frame it. Instead, ask if there plans to hire a replacement for the program director and what that timeline is. If the answer is anything other than “yes, very soon,” then I’d explain more about why you think there’s a strong need (focusing on things like team workload, skills gap, and program needs, not the ED being a hot mess).

That said, I’d also be job searching, because whether you get a new program director or not, you’re at an organization being run by an awful manager, and that rarely points to long-term stability or satisfaction.

4. Do I have to have a performance evaluation?

I have worked as a in-home health care aid for about one year. I have noticed that many of my coworkers and I have not received the annual performance review promised at hire. I am moderately concerned about my performance review, as I have had some issues with the schedulers (ignoring my availability, attitude when I tell them my availability has changed), to the point I am rather uncomfortable even calling into the office.

Since this position was offered to me as one that would work with my school attendance and family life, I’m concerned that these issues are going to take light in my performance review if it ever happens. Is my employer required to do performance reviews? And am I allowed to present evidence of the company’s misconduct in regards to my performance? The clients I work with generally have no complaints and I fear that their feedback (which I feel is important, seeing as I’m never in the office with coworkers) will not be taken into account.

No law requires employers to do performance evaluations. If your company does do a performance evaluation and you feel you’re unfairly assessed, you can certainly explain why (but “presenting evidence of the company’s misconduct” is an adversarial approach that isn’t likely to get you the outcome you want; it should be more a collaborative conversation about your concerns and theirs).

However, rather than waiting for an evaluation that may or may not come (and which might be too late to impact much by the time it does), you should talk to your manager now. Explain the issues that you’ve had with the schedulers and check in to see how your manager thinks things are going. It’s far better to handle things proactively than to sit back and worry about how this all might play out.

5. How long should I wait if I can’t get into my building to start work?

If my employer does not show up for a scheduled shift and I do not have access to the building, is there a reasonable wait time before I leave? If I do leave, do I qualify for any sort of minimum pay?

I’d find half an hour reasonable, but if you have reason to think this will happen again, I’d talk to your manager now and find out how she wants you handle it.

You do need to be paid for the time you were waiting. Some states also require “reporting time pay,” where you have to be paid for a minimum of X hours for showing up for a shift ready to work, even if you were sent home (or couldn’t access the building). For instance, California would require you to be paid for half the usual or scheduled day’s work, but not less than two hours and not more than four hours.