my coworker will only talk to me over g-chat

by Alison Green on November 4, 2014

A reader writes:

I have been working at a small repossession company for six months. Since I started, my coworker has been giving me the cold shoulder.

She is an account manager for a client of ours, and I am essentially her partner on helping maintain the account. When I first started, she was friendly at first, but towards the second week of training, she became very firm and her training started becoming like a dictatorship. I tried breaking the ice and asking her questions about her family, her dogs, etc., and she answered but she never asked any back. I quickly surmised she didn’t want to be bothered and stopped asking anything not work-related. I went to my manager and explained my feelings of how I felt maybe it wouldn’t be a very good partnership, but my manager assured me the way my coworker came off towards me was because she was pregnant and was uptight because of that.

Well, things have not gotten better since she had her baby and went on maternity leave. There isn’t any friendly banter, small talk, or anything. If there is anything that needs to be said to each other, we say it through Google Chat but we sit RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. She regularly has conversations with everyone around our cubicle area, but definitely excludes me from any of them. I feel very isolated in this job, and even though I like my job duties, I hate feeling alone.

Do you have to have a warmer relationship with her in order to do your job well?

I can certainly understand why you’d prefer to, but since for whatever reason she’s not interested in that, I’d either ask her what’s up (“Hey Jane, have I done something to offend you?”) or accept that that’s not going to happen and see if you can enjoy your job anyway.

For what it’s worth, it doesn’t sound like her behavior is actually getting in the way of you two working effectively together; she does communicate with you about work-related matters, just not personal ones. I get that it must sting to see that she talks more warmly with others (so it’s not just a case of her preferring not to have personal conversations at all), but as long as she’s communicating well with you on work stuff, that’s really what matters.

If you prefer not to use G-chat to talk to her and would rather talk in person, it’s fine to say that. The next time she G-chats you about something you’d rather use a different medium for, turn to her and say, “Let’s talk in person about this — it will be easier.” If she refuses to do that when you’ve directed requested it, then there’s a real problem that you can address with her (“what’s behind your preference for IM’ing?”) … but unless you’ve directly told her that you prefer to communicate differently and been met with a refusal, things aren’t at that point yet. So express a different preference, or ask what’s going on and see what happens.

Also, I don’t know what was up with your manager attributing your coworker’s behavior to being pregnant (and I don’t think most pregnant employees would appreciate people saying they were “uptight” because of pregnancy). However, I’m not sure that it’s something that should have been taken to your manager in the first place, because it’s okay if your coworker doesn’t want to discuss personal topics with you. As long as she’s willing to be pleasant and professional when it comes to work conversation, the rest of it isn’t really something to be “solved.”

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what to do when you don’t have the right person to delegate work to

by Alison Green on November 4, 2014

You need to delegate a project but no one on your team is precisely equipped to handle it. But the work needs to get done, and you don’t have time (or skills) to do it yourself. How do you proceed?

When you don’t have the right person to delegate work to, here are six questions to ask yourself.

1. Can you outsource it – either to another department or a vendor? That might not be an ideal solution, but sometimes it’s the only solution. Don’t be afraid to explore how you might get the work done using someone who isn’t officially on your team.

2. Does the work really match up with your team’s goals? Sometimes – not always, but sometimes – when there’s no obvious choice to delegate work to, it’s because the work actually isn’t squarely in line with your goals. When that’s the case, it’s worth taking a step back and reassessing whether it’s work that you should be doing at all.

3. Is the issue that you don’t trust anyone on your team to do the work as well as you would? If so, do a gut-check about whether you have a pattern of wanting to do work yourself rather than delegating it. If you do (and many, many managers do), you might need to start working on letting go! To get the best results as a manager, you do have to delegate work to others; you can’t do it all yourself.

4. Could you equip a staff member to do the work well – or well enough – with a small investment of training time up-front? If so, would that be worth it to get the work done? It might turn out that you have an employee who’s eager to learn the skill.

5. Is this an ongoing problem? If you’re continually fielding projects that don’t naturally fall to anyone, it might be a flag that there’s a skills gap or capacity issue on your team and you need a bigger picture solution, like bringing on new staff.

6. Is there a staff member who you should theoretically delegate the work to, but who you just don’t trust to do it well? If that’s the case, then you’re probably looking at a performance problem, not a delegation problem. That’s something you’d need to tackle head-on; it’s a signal of real trouble on your team.

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is it ever okay to leave a job after less than a year?

by Alison Green on November 4, 2014

I’ve been wanting to address this topic for a while, and this letter gave me the perfect opening. A reader writes:

I took a new job just less than a year ago that I was incredibly excited about. It wasn’t exciting for the pay or benefits, but I really wanted to work at this organization that I had very strongly admired for years.

Since day one, I have felt deflated by the job. I am disconnected from most of my coworkers, I have no team, and I don’t feel connected to our mission at all – which is such a blow considering my excitement from before I started. On top of the frustrations I have personally with my role, a lot of our cultural issues bother me a lot. We’re not transparent, and respect between coworkers and from management to coworkers is often lacking.

I’ve been struggling for 10.5 months to make this job feel right, but it just doesn’t. I’m now exploring other positions, and one or two look promising and would pay more. I have never left a job before 1 year before, but I feel like this might be it. Should I hold out longer, or should I take a new opportunity even though I haven’t reached that very important milestone?

I often hear from people who have internalized the idea that you should never leave a job before a year is up but who are totally misapplying it.

Leaving a job before a year is up is not a horrible sin that will instantly render you unemployable. There are times when it’s reasonable to leave a job after a short period of time — when you were offered a job doing X but have ended up doing Y (or when the job was otherwise significantly misrepresented to you), when the terms of the job change significantly (location, pay, etc.), when your health or safety is at risk, when your family is moving to a different state, when a health crisis (yours or a family member’s) requires you to quit, and even when you’re miserable and it’s gone on long enough that it’s clear that’s not going to change.

The catch is this: You can only do it once with impunity. If you do it a second time, then yes, employers are going to start wondering what’s up with you.

But you get one freebie. You get it because Things Happen, and employers know that. It’s when it’s a pattern that they start wondering what’s up with you and you start looking like a risky bet.

You don’t want to use that freebie lightly, though. If you leave a job quickly, you’re pretty much committing yourself to stay at the next one for a good long while in order to avoid these perception problems … which means that you need to be really careful about the next job you take, since you’re going to need to stick around there.

What’s more, making it to one year isn’t some magical mark where you’ll no longer look like a job hopper if you leave. One year actually isn’t very long in most fields, and if you have a string of multiple one-year stays, you’re going to look like a job-hopper. Job hopping means multiple stays of under two or three years (whether it’s two or three depends on your field), in jobs that weren’t designed to be short-term (i.e., contract and temp jobs don’t count as job hopping).

So back to the letter-writer. Whether or not you should jump ship now depends on what the rest of your job history looks like. Do you have a stable job history with reasonably long stays before this one? If so, it’s much easier to justify leaving this one now. But if you have a history of a bunch of short-term stays (less than two years), then leaving this job any time soon is going to add to a worrisome impression. That’s something you want to avoid unless you truly can’t, because that will make your future job searches harder.

Other exceptions to these rules: retail and food service jobs, where shorter stays are common and more accepted.

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suggesting a coworker has a learning disability, putting personal appointments on a team calendar, and more

by Alison Green on November 4, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. We have to put details of all personal appointments on our team calendar

I am a technical specialist with a large international organization. I have recently joined the organization and love the work. However, our team members (about 12 people) are required to put appointments on the internal online team calendar if we leave the office for personal or official reasons. This makes sense, but in the case of personal meetings like doctor appointments, kid-related events, errands, or other personal stuff which might occur during office hours, we are required to put the reason we are leaving the office in the calendar. The calendar is set up in such a way that all the team members receive an email for any appointment put on the team calendar, so, if you go to the doctor or need to go fix your car, everybody gets an email.

While I normally try to do all of this stuff outside of office hours, sometimes it is not possible. In those cases, I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my personal business with the rest of the team like this. I have a trusting enough relationship with my boss where I don’t mind mentioning directly to him why I might need to leave the office, but I also don’t feel like I should have to. So, my question is twofold: He has the right to deny my request to leave the office for personal reasons if he wants, but am I required to tell him the reason I am leaving if it is personal? Is it okay for him to require that we put our time out on the team calendar WITH the reason we are leaving, knowing that everyone on the team gets an email containing the time and the reason we are gone?

He can require it if he wants, but that doesn’t mean that he should — he shouldn’t, as how you spend your time off is no one’s business. It should be enough to simply say “personal appointment.”

But are you sure that that wouldn’t be sufficient? I’d start just recording your stuff that way and see if you get any pushback. It’s quite possible that you won’t — and that what he’s really saying is to simply specify the nature of the time away (work-related or personal) without providing details.

2. Suggesting that a coworker might have a learning disability

Is it ever appropriate to ask a coworker about a possible learning disability? I work alongside a coworker who seems to regularly transpose letters in written communication, for items where such transposition does impact clarity of our work (and could create confusion with our vendors). Our work is shared, and I’ve pointed out the errors as neutrally as possible thus far, but the problem still hasn’t improved. What can I do, as someone who isn’t managing him, other than to just correct his work when I catch it? It’s a very awkward position in any case and I do not actually know whether s/he has dyslexia or a learning disability. Our mutual manager has also, by past actions, chosen to abdicate his/her responsibilities of providing any type of critical (“negative’) feedback, so I’m not sure going to them would yield any result.

How’s your relationship with him? If it’s pretty good, I think you could say, “Have you noticed that you have a pattern of transposing letters? Since that can be a sign of dyslexia, I wonder if it would make sense to take a look at some of the resources for it.”

But if you don’t have much rapport, I’d stick to just pointing out the pattern itself without speculating on possible causes for it: “I’ve noticed that you sometimes transpose letters. I didn’t know if you were aware of it, but thought I’d mention it as something to watch for when you’re editing.”

3. Can my employer ask about recent travels in order to guard against Ebola?

My employer is requesting that all employees notify them where they have vacationed due to the Ebola scare. Is this legal?

Yep.

4. Can I ask to do some of my workday during my commute?

I recently started a job with a 1-hour driving commute. The traffic really stresses me out, so I looked into public transit, which would take 2 hours (10-minute walk, 20-minute city train, 1-hour commuter rail, then a 10-minute bike ride). How would you react if one of your employees proposed that on 1-2 days a week, when there are no meeting conflicts, 2 hours of work could be included on the commute, especially since the commuter rail has wifi (and as a writer, the wifi may not even be that crucial)? In other words, working 10-4 instead of 9-5 on those days?

It really depends on the nature of your job (and to some extent, your workplace culture). There are some downsides for your employer (not being able to schedule meetings with you during those times, not having you in the office for quick ad hoc conversations, etc.), but it’s possible that the nature of your work would make those pretty minimal. It’s not a crazy thing to ask about, but since you’re new, I’d really pay attention to the culture of your office and how open it is to alternative work arrangements before you raise it. (And to make it more palatable to your manager, you might suggest it as an experiment first rather than a permanent commitment, or suggest that you do it several days a week rather than all five.)

5. Job candidates with more experience than the ad asks for

Do hiring managers hire an applicant with more than work experience than they need? For example, an ad says need a candidate with 3-5 years of experience required, do they even bother to look at CV of an applicant with 6+ years with the same credentials.

There’s not much difference between five years and six years of experience, and this stuff isn’t about cut-offs down to the month. It’s about the general range of experience they’re looking for.

So a few years of experience more than what was in the ad? Sure. But many more years? Generally not, unless you provide a compelling reason in your cover letter why they should, since at that point you’re really not the profile of candidate who they’re seeking.

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my coworker keeps taking the office’s magazines into the bathroom

by Alison Green on November 3, 2014

A reader writes:

At our office, we have subscriptions to various newspapers and journals that we keep in the entry hallway for staff and guests to read.

I just noticed today that a certain coworker will pick up one of these subscriptions and bring it to the bathroom to read while using the toilet. When they are done in the bathroom, they put the newspaper or journal back on the table for the next person to read. This is so gross, unsanitary, shows a huge lack of social awareness/consideration for fellow coworkers, and is not at all why we purchase those subscriptions. The receptionist confirmed that this has been going on for a while.

Should I tell their supervisor? Address the person directly? Or have the director make a statement to everyone at the next staff meeting without singling them out?

Don’t take it to their manager. It doesn’t really rise to the level where a manager needs to get involved.

Either say something to the person directly or ask the receptionist — as the person presumably in charge of these subscriptions — to tell the person to cut it out.

If you say something to the culprit directly, it doesn’t need to be a big formal talk. It can just be a matter-of-fact, “Hey, can you keep the magazines out of the bathroom? They’re for general use and that’s pretty unsanitary.”

If you say something to the receptionist — which would be my preference, since it’s actually her realm to handle — I’d say, “Hey, I’ve noticed some people are talking the magazines into the bathroom and then returning them here, which is unsanitary. Any way you could put a stop to it when you see it or send an email asking people to cut it out?” (However, if you have an unassertive or inexperienced receptionist, this might not lead anywhere — so know who you’re dealing with.)

I suppose if all else fails and you feel quite strongly about it, you could go the route of having someone in a position of authority issue a general directive, but I’d try to find a lower-key way of handling it so that you’re not putting yourself in the position of being the bathroom police — or just avoid the magazines.

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are you haunted by your last bad job?

by Alison Green on November 3, 2014

Ever thought you might have workplace PTSD — that your last job or boss was so bad that you’re still haunted by it now, even though you’ve moved on?

For many people, if you spend long enough in a dysfunctional workplace or modifying your behavior to accommodate a bad manager, it can end up instilling “survival” habits in you that can hurt you once you move on to a better company.

Here are some signs that you’re still being haunted by a previous bad job or bad boss:

You get defensive when your manager gives you feedback, because your old boss used feedback to punish or berate you. Good managers give thoughtful feedback, because they want to help you develop professionally. If you react as if it’s a game of “gotcha” that you need to defend yourself against, you’ll make it harder to get the very feedback that will help you grow in your job – and probably raise concerns in your new boss.

You expect the worst from your manager or coworkers. For instance, you might assume that you need to cover up mistakes, because a former manager would come down excessively hard on you for even minor errors. Or you might assume that your employer will always try to put you at a disadvantage in negotiations, because that’s what happened at an old job. Such managers and employers do exist, but they’re not the norm. Assuming that stance in a healthier workplace can put you out of sync with the culture and even cause problems in your work.

You don’t do your best work, because you learned earlier that it wouldn’t be appreciated. If you worked somewhere that didn’t recognize great work and tolerated shoddy performance, you might have decided at some point that it didn’t make sense to go all-out; after all, no one cared. But if you carry that M.O. to a new job, it can really hurt you and your reputation – and could even get you fired.

You think that “all managers are _____.” It doesn’t really matter how you fill in that blank; if you find yourself thinking that 100 percent of managers think or act a certain way, it’s a sign that you’re not thinking realistically. You want to pay attention to how your current manager thinks and acts. Don’t tar her by association with previous managers.

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, take these steps to exorcise those bad habits from your work life:

1. Realize when your habits are rooted in old dysfunction. Take some time to think through the roots of your beliefs about work and managers, and spot places where they’re tied to one bad situation. For instance, say you used to work for a manager who would use any sign of personal weakness against you, and it’s left you scared to tell your current manager when you need some help or a little bit of slack. Make sure you’ve processed that you learned this habit from one manager, and she’s not representative of all managers.

2. Recalibrate your idea of “normal.” Make a point of looking around and gathering evidence about how other managers and workplaces operate. If you find yourself thinking “all managers do _____,” try testing that assumption against your current manager and current workplace. What evidence do you have about how this manager operates? Do your assumptions line up with reality? If not, it’s time to adjust them.

3. When you find yourself about to engage in a negative workplace behavior, ask yourself, “Has my current manager given me evidence that I need to operate this way?” Behaviors such as hiding information, not speaking up about problems, reacting defensively to feedback and generally expecting the worst from your employer are behaviors that will harm you in a reasonably healthy, functional workplace. If your manager hasn’t given you evidence that you need to approach your job that way, you’ll make yourself the problem by proceeding like that. Don’t treat your current manager as someone she’s not.

After all, imagine if you started a new job as the replacement for a past employee who had been untrustworthy, incompetent and unpleasant, and your new colleagues treated you as if you were just like your predecessor. Doesn’t sound fun or easy to work with, does it? And it certainly wouldn’t be logical or wise. In that spirit, make sure you’re not letting yourself be overly influenced by difficult people you’ve worked with in the past.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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everyone in my office keeps their doors shut, who controls the mail room, and more

by Alison Green on November 3, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Is it odd that everyone in my office keeps their doors and blinds closed?

This is a perception question, but I’d like your opinion on it. I work for a great company, top 10 of the Fortune 500. I’m new to the company also, coming up on my 1 year anniversary in December. Is it weird that so many on my floor are in their offices with their door and mini-blinds shut? Our offices have a long window panel next to the door. So if someone is in their office, you can usually still tell if they’re in there or maybe on the phone. But so many people shut their door and blinds that it has me wondering what they’re doing. I’m new and want people to see me hard at work and want to be included in spontaneous conversations and projects. But if I’m always holed up in my office, I think I would miss out. What are your thoughts on this?

It’s really just an issue of office culture and personal preference; there’s no right or wrong way to do this. Personally, I could definitely see closing the mini blinds on the window facing the rest of the office to make it more like a wall and provide more privacy (which for some people lets them focus more comfortably without feeling like they’re being gazed at), and I wouldn’t worry about whether people physically saw me hard at work (I’d assume they’d see evidence of that in more substantial ways). But I think a lot of people agree with you on the benefit of being more accessible to spontaneous conversations. It really just comes down to personal preference though.

2. Who controls the mail room?

Who has the final say about the mail room? Yesterday, an office assistant sent an email to all staff detailing protocols on how to use the mail room and, most concerning to me, a restriction that we may no longer have personal packages sent to our place of work. Considering I use this service often, I want to follow up with her manager, as I do not believe an office assistant is in a managerial role to decide where I have my packages addressed. This person does not deliver my packages – I am notified by UPS of their arrival date and go to pick them up. Additionally, packages are received in the shipping room, which is a completely separate department under my organization structure, and which has thus far given no rules on staff’s personal packages.

The packages I request are never large, and they include personal items for use during my work hours, like dietary options, soaps, sanitation gloves, and disinfectants for sensitive skin. Some of these materials are provided by my employer, but I have unique needs and I purchase my own. If I direct these packages to my home, they could be delayed a day or further because UPS requires a signature for all deliveries.

How should I proceed? If I contact this person’s manager to see if he was aware of these changes, they could get into trouble, but I am a lower rank than them and have very little room to maneuver. Should I email? What language should be included? Help!

It’s pretty unlikely that the assistant came up with and announced this this rule on her own; it’s more likely that she was simply instructed to communicate it to everyone. But you can certainly ask her for more context; it would be totally reasonable to say, “Hey, what’s the story behind the new rule on personal packages? Do you know where that came from and why?”

And if you feel like you have reasonable cause to be exempted from the new rule, you could explain that to whoever the decision-maker is and see if an exception can be made for you. They might say no (because whatever prompted the new rule might trump your interests here), but it’s not outrageous to ask. (Do be prepared to hear no, though.)

3. My company wants me to use a vacation day to travel for a work retreat

My boss invited me to attend the managers’ retreat, which is exciting because they decided to go to Las Vegas this year. I said yes and now the tickets are booked and the weekend is coming up soon. I found out today that we are expected to take personal time off for the Friday that everyone is flying out of town. This only affects me and one other hourly person. All the other managers are salary and will not have a difference in pay. I don’t have a lot of vacation time so I was wondering, is it usual for a small-medium sized company to expect you to take vacation days for their work retreats? There will be a couple meetings during the retreat but I don’t think they will count that as paid time either.

Nope, not normal, not normal at all. It’s a work trip, and you’re going for work reasons; they’re being ridiculous.

Moreover, unless this retreat contains nothing truly work-related (like it’s all just gambling and poolside lounging, with no work-related meetings), you need to be paid for the time you spend there on work-related activities, and you also need to be paid for the part of your travel time that falls during your regular work hours.

If you were exempt and thus the pay was a non-issue, I’d say this to your manager: “I’m really excited about participating in this, but since it’s a trip we’re making for work, I’m concerned about using PTO for it, especially since I don’t have much PTO.”

But since you’re non-exempt and there’s a legally-mandated pay requirement, you might instead say something like: “Since I’m non-exempt, I know I’m required to log the hours I spend traveling that fall during my normal work day. I’m one of the few non-exempt people attending so figured it might not have been on people’s radar, but wanted to explain why I’m not submitting the time as PTO.”

4. Applications that want me to share something unique about myself

I’ve been filling out a lot of online applications, and many companies are using Resumator, which is great in some ways, but they all include a question asking me to tell them something unique about myself that will catch their eye/make them remember me. I’m totally a weirdo and there are lots of things that are unique about me I could put except I don’t think any of them are suitable for job applications. I have a blog for pictures of things that look like vulvas (e.g. orchids or the Cobra Commander logo).

I just don’t understand what sort of unique things they are looking for. Places I’ve been? Position-related accomplishments? Belief in ghosts? This has been a real roadblock for me in filling out applications.

Ugh, I don’t like it either. Plenty of what makes people unique is totally irrelevant to their job qualifications. They should be asking you to talk about why you’d excel at the role. I’d actually modify the question in your head to something more along those lines: “What makes you stand out as a candidate for this job? What about you is unusually well-matched with the role?”

Of course, if they’re looking for some wacky expression of personality utterly unrelated to work, then that won’t help you. Personally, I wouldn’t mind screening those companies out by providing an answer more along the lines of what I suggest above, but if you do mind that, then I’m of no help.

5. When should I start job-searching?

I’m in my final year of a dual-MSW/MPH program (yay!). If all goes right, I should graduate in May. I know that finding a job can take months, so I’ve been thinking about starting to apply for positions in January (mostly at nonprofits and in government agencies – I’m not looking at going into academia). My concern is that, even if I get an interview, I won’t be offered a position because employers won’t be able to wait that long; unless I’m able to start part-time, there is no way I will be able to start a position before May (in addition to classes, I also have a graduate assistantship and internship that I absolutely cannot leave before that time). It feels like a waste of time to start early, but it seems just plain stupid to start late!

I also bartend, so whether or not I start working right away is not really an issue financially. Mostly, I’m worried about losing great opportunities and just ready to start my career. What sort of timeline would you recommend?

For government agencies, start now. Their hiring process can take forever.

But most nonprofits aren’t going to want you to apply more than a few months before you’re available, so for those I’d start applying no sooner than late February at the earliest.

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Sunday free-for-all – November 2, 2014

by Alison Green on November 2, 2014

Olive with ipadIt’s the weekend free-for-all.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly non-work only; if you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Have at it.

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should I recommend my boyfriend for a job at my company, how to respond to homophobic remarks at work, and more

by Alison Green on November 1, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I recommend my boyfriend for a job at my company?

I have a question for you regarding recommending my boyfriend for a position at my company. I work for a medium(?) sized company (150 people) with a very small HR department (just me and my boss). I have been at this company for a little over a year and I have a hand in just about all the HR happenings here since the department is so small. Recently my boyfriend graduated college and is looking for office jobs and we have a couple he could apply to here. Can I recommend him? I am not involved in the hiring process for these positions, I have a good relationship with the boss, and I think he could do this position (it’s very entry level and he’s worked in an office before). We met at work when we both worked in an office in college so technically I WAS his coworker at one point. Should I tell him not to apply? If he applies, should I tell my boss how I know him?

The position is in a different department and the only time our jobs would really intersect would be when I do new hire orientation.

I would discourage him from applying, since you work in HR, and since your HR department is just two people. The potential for a conflict of interest at some point is just too high.

But if you ignore me and he applies, then (a) no, you can’t recommend him — significant others aren’t considered to be objective references, although you can refer him (as in, giving someone a heads-up that your boyfriend is applying, minus any recommendation), and (b) you should definitely mention it to your boss. If your boss is like me, he’ll want the chance to tell you that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, and it’s far better to find that out before any hire is made.

2. How to respond to homophobic remarks at work

I’m a 28-year-old gay male. I work at a commercial janitorial company. I have a religious coworker who makes statements all the time about how “gays are being allowed in the catholic church now” and “I’m okay with lesbians but I just can’t understand how two men can love each other” and things like that.

I’m a pretty quiet guy. I mainly keep to myself. And I’ve had a few instances where I was about to get up and leave without saying anything. But my boyfriend talked me out of it. I have a very nice boss and I’m pretty sure she might know about me because she tries to change the subject whenever it comes up. So should I quit, talk to my boss or the coworker? What should I say? I’m very uncomfortable coming out to people I don’t know.

You don’t need to come out in order to tell your coworker and your boss that you object to homophobic comments. If it helps, there are plenty of straight people who would speak out against your coworker’s comments, so you can absolutely do that without discussing your own sexual orientation if you’d prefer to.

I’d say this to your coworker the next time she makes one of those comments: “I find that really offensive. Please don’t make comments like that around me.”

And if it continues, it’s entirely reasonable to report it to your boss (or to HR, if you have an HR department), saying something like, “I’ve asked Jane to stop making bigoted comments at work, but it’s continued. Could you make it clear to her that those comments aren’t appropriate in the workplace?”

3. Do I have to repay my relocation expenses since I’m quitting?

I recently left my job for many reasons, and in doing so I knew contractually I would be obligated to pay back relocation expense money that was given to me under an obligation to stay at the job for two years. My manager told me, “I hope you’re prepared to pay the company back all that money.” I agreed that I was.

After leaving and starting a new job, I began to wait for a letter in the mail to repay the money, but it never came. I then called HR, and they told me they would send a letter. I am still waiting two months later. What should I do?

If you signed a contract agreeing to repay the money, then you have a legal obligation to repay it, whether or not they send you a letter in the mail. Read over the contract carefully, of course; it’s possible that there’s a loophole in there that would exempt you from repayment. (For instance, if you could make a good case that your leaving was a “constructive discharge” — i.e., your company made things so awful for you that any reasonable person would have quit — you might have legal grounds for getting out of the repayment clause.)

That said, practically speaking, if they’re not coming after you for the money, they may not ever do it. But in general, I’d say that when you sign a contract, you should stick to it, just as you’d want people to hold up their end.

4. I’m not sure if my past manager will be a good reference or not

In 2013, I had a student summer position and, honestly, even though my supervisor said I did well and that she’d be willing to be a reference (and she agreed again when I started looking for positions this spring), I don’t feel 100% comfortable using her as a reference. This could be all in my head, but I really found the summer position to be stressful and I made a few really dumb mistakes. I’m still afraid that these mistakes are associated with me and, as a result, she really doesn’t like me and is just agreeing to be a reference out of politeness.

She recently switched positions within the company and I have yet to ask for her new contact information, because I just don’t know if it’s worth it to have someone I’m not 100% sure about as a reference. I’m also afraid that NOT having her as a reference (even if it’s a bad reference) will look really suspicious to future employers. Am I damned either way?

Rather than guess, why not find out for sure? Call her up or ask her out for coffee and put it to her straight: “I’ve spent some time thinking over the lessons that I learned in my internship last year, and one thing I’ve realized is that I made some silly mistakes. Knowing that, I wanted to see if you’re really comfortable giving me a great reference. I’d love it if you could, of course, but if you feel like it won’t be strongly positive, I’d be so grateful to know so that I can figure out alternatives.”

The idea is to make it safe for her to say (if it’s the truth), “You know, it might be better for you to use someone else.”

5. T-style cover letters

How do you feel about the “T style” cover letter, where you have one column listing the job requirements and another column showing how you match them? Do you think it’s effective to use for cover letters where you might not have enough information to send a personalized letter? I found a copy of this style on another website.

I’m not a fan. Spelling it out in a chart to me feels a little unsophisticated; I’d rather see how you communicate in a traditional letter … but I’m sure there are other hiring managers who like it.

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I’m not doing any of the work I was hired to do — and my boss doesn’t care

by Alison Green on October 31, 2014

A reader writes:

I was hired four months ago at a large nonprofit to be a trainer and writer. I got to ask a lot of questions about the role, which fit what I wanted to do perfectly. My would-be boss pushed hard to bring me on and insisted to the team that this role was necessary, despite budget issues.

Fast forward four months later, and my immediate boss loves me. The problem? I’ve hardly done any of the work I was brought on to do. She has piled work on my plate that was previously hers and fills my schedule with very long work meetings where I provide damage control to different teams about shoddy work she completed before I was hired because I’m better with people.

Although I’m using my project management skills and getting a lot of things done, no one is noticing except her, and the work I’ve been doing was not part of the job description when I was hired. I am a total team player and am happy to lend a hand, but part of the role I was hired to do involved working within certain timelines, which I’m now not meeting.

She doesn’t seem concerned about this, and there doesn’t look to be any end to this on the horizon. Our weekly one-on-ones where I bring up the need for time to develop my programs always fall on deaf ears in favor of immediate priorities.

A coworker who also works under her had the same thing happen to him – for two years! He’s complained to our boss’ manager and asked for a reorg several times and is encouraging me to do the same. I’m wary of this since I’m just settling in and I don’t want to cause problems, although I’m starting to get resentful. My boss also tends to be sneaky and hold grudges, so I can see her getting really upset if she hears I did this.

I’m concerned because my role is to work with most of the people in the organization, so not doing the job I was hired to do is starting to become very obvious. A lot of people are currently waiting for training, and I keep promising that it’ll happen soon. Should I just accept the the role has changed? Is this going to be detrimental to me in the long run, or should I just continue since she loves me?

You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with her.

You note that you’ve pointed out in your one-on-ones that you need time to work on your programs and it’s falling on deaf ears — but that’s probably because she’s perfectly happy with the way your time is currently being used and doesn’t see a real need to change that. So you need to explain that you see a problem with it — that you signed on to do X, that X is what you want to be doing, and that you’re concerned that the job has turned out to be Y.

This is a reasonable conversation to have. You were promised a particular role and you accepted the job under those terms. She’s now changed the terms, and it’s entirely reasonable to point that out, explain that you’d like to do what you were hired for, and discuss whether that’s still possible (and, if she says it’s possible, what the timeline is for making that happen and what specific steps need to be taken to make it happen).

Say something like this: “I want to talk to you about my role. My understanding when I was hired was that I’d be doing primarily training and writing, and I was excited to come on board because those are the areas I want to work in. I’ve been glad to help out in other areas since there was a need, but at this point I’m becoming concerned about the fact that I’m not doing much of what I was brought on for. Training and writing are really what I want to spend my time on professionally, so I’d like to get a sense from you of whether the role is likely to go back to what we originally talked about.”

That said, if she has a pattern of doing this to others, it’s possible that this conversation won’t change things. But if nothing else, it will bring the issue to the surface and you’ll get much better information about whether you’re likely to see the change you want. If it’s not going to happen, it’s better for you to know that so that you can figure out if you want the job under these new terms.

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