Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee keeps venting to other team members, but not to me

I have an employee with whom I have made every attempt to keep open lines of communication, be there for him, offer assistance, be a sounding board, etc. However he repeatedly confides in a coworker when he wants to vent about something, rather than coming to me. I end up hearing about his frustration or concerns secondhand, and sometimes his venting is misdirected or uncalled for, because he is making assumptions and building a story in his own mind without having all of the details. If he would come to me first, he would have a better feel for whether it’s something he really needs to get worked up about. When I have confronted him about this before, he has even admitted that he struggles with coming to me to vent, but he can’t explain why, and he says that it would be very difficult to change his behavior. I don’t have this issue with any other employees. They all feel comfortable coming to me about anything.

It is getting to the point where sometimes I find myself responding to his venting through his trusted coworker. I know I shouldn’t do this, but addressing it directly with him hasn’t helped, and I don’t want to affect his relationship with the trusted coworker, and possibly lose the only communication channel we currently have with him. The other reason I’m trying to handle this delicately is that he’s our most valuable technical resource, and he has his hands in everything. I firmly believe that no one is irreplaceable and no one is “above the law,” but the rest of my team and our customers would lose it if they ever got wind of something like a PIP or even worse, a separation, happening with respect to this guy.

What can I do to get my employee to open up to me and to see how his current MO is negatively affecting the team?

First, I think you need to get really clear in your head about how this actually affects his performance and the rest of your team. Whatever pieces aren’t impacting those things, let those go. But if you can point to specific, concrete impacts that his venting is having, it’s totally reasonable to address those. For instance, it would be reasonable to say (if true), “When you air grievances to the team without giving me the chance to address them or alert you to context that might change your assessment, you’re creating a negative environment that’s bringing the whole team down. You’re also inadvertently spreading misinformation, which I then need to spend time cleaning up. I am always willing to talk to you when something is bothering you, but I need you to change the way you’re handling this. When you have an issue, I need you to take it to the person with the ability to do something about it (which will often be me), not spread the frustration around to people who can’t change it.”

From there, you need to hold him to that, just like you would any other standard of performance.

But I think the key will be sticking to the actual impact this is having (which will help you both see this as a true performance issue and thus something you’re entitled to hold him accountable to) and not just about “venting” (which makes it sound like how he handles it is optional).

2. My daughter was told to pretend to be straight at work

My gay daughter was told at work (a Wal Mart in Alabama), by a supervisor, that she cannot be gay at work because it may offend customers. She was told to speak about her girlfriend as if she were a “boyfriend.” Is this okay? My daughter is sad and ashamed now and I am speechless.

She is only 18 and has been in and out of therapy for years. She has identity issues along with depression. She has been doing well until this. She feels that she did something wrong and is ashamed. She told me this in casual conversation, not realizing they were in the wrong.

No, it’s not okay. That manager is a ridiculous person. Unfortunately, the law is wildly outdated in this regard. No federal law prohibits employers from discriminating against gay, bisexual, or transgender employees, and only 21 states have state-level protection. As a result, LGBT people, including in Alabama, don’t have protection from on-the-job discrimination.

If you want to see this change, one thing you can do is to urge your congressional representatives to pass legislation ending this as-of-now legal discrimination. You can do that here.

3. I recommended someone for a job and now regret it

I’ve been at my new position for over 3 months now, and I found out that they were looking for an assistant. I knew of someone who could do the job. I was hesitant at first, since when I grew to know him personally, he was often late, and was easily confused when given direction. But there were other times when he was a stellar employee. Even though I felt apprehensive about referring him, I still did it because I knew he needed the job.

Fast forward and they’ve offered him the job, but nothing is final. I’ve been talking to him lately and it sounds like he has a lot on his plate and I worry that he might not do as good a job as I had hoped. I feel the pressure to say something since it will reflect on me how he does. Should I warn my hiring manager and tell them to rescind the offer? I plan on talking to him to make sure this is what he wants, but I feel like no chat will help him get his life in order.

Ouch. There’s no other way to say this: You messed this one up. You recommended someone whose work you know has serious problems, and now they’ve offered him a job. Pulling a job offer is a really big deal, and one that would reflect badly on your company. If you go back to your manager and suggest they pull the offer, you’re going to look … well, unreliable and flaky at best.

Your better bet would be talking to your friend, but at this point there may not be much you can do.

4. Can I reuse an editing test as an editing sample?

I interviewed, unsuccessfully, for a position as an editor at a think tank recently. Part of the interview was an editing test: they emailed me a brief report on some of their research and had me make corrections and queries. I still have their original document and my marked-up version.

What I don’t have are any before-and-after editing examples from my old job. I can’t share anything from it that hasn’t been through classification review, and we only ever submitted final drafts for the review process.

I need an editing sample for another job application, and the posting specifies that the sample needs to show my work; just a final draft won’t do. Can I submit the think tank’s editing test as my sample? I don’t have anything from before my old job. I’ve edited fiction for friends, and things like grad school personal statements, but those call for very different skill sets than the editing jobs I’m applying for.

In theory, yes, but if they ask you what it’s from, I think it’ll come across a little oddly to say “it’s from the hiring process for a different job I applied for.” You’re probably better off creating something just for this.

5. How should my resume explain that I repeatedly took on work beyond my normal role?

I have a question about workplace dysfunction and resumes, or more specifically, how I show that for most of the projects I worked on (research studies), I assumed key higher-level duties and instituted practices to overcome team inexperience and lack of expertise particularly at the senior management level. Generally, I simply write what I did – duties and accomplishments – on my resume. I’m moving to quantify those duties (e.g., instead of writing “developed analytical framework and analyzed collected data,” I might describe the framework and write “analyzed 4000 pages of transcripts…”), but I’m still struggling with how to say “I did the project director’s or team lead’s job and absorbed most of the tasks because project staff did not do their work.” This is not my imagination – senior officers from other offices are stunned by our inner-office workings and have said to me that I should get recognition for the work I am doing and have actively sought to go over my boss’ head to make this happen.

If it were just one project, I would note it and be done, but I’m concerned that by addressing it in each project description (typical resume format for my line of work), it may call into question the overall study or the company’s reputation, or worse, get me labeled as “one of those people.” I also don’t really know how best to do this. For example, do I write, “Assumed key project director/team lead duties” though the project director does not recognize that I am doing his work? Do I write, “Under limited direction …”? Or some other variant? I don’t want to sell myself as far more experienced as I am by just describing the work, but I’d really like to get credit for the senior-level duties I’ve assumed.

Am I overthinking this?

I think so!

I agree that you shouldn’t say something like “assumed director’s role” repeatedly (although it’s fine to say it once). Instead, simp explaining what you did, without specifying that you were assuming the director’s job each time. You could also include language like “broadened role to include ___” or “was only teapot polisher to take on ___.”

I think you’re getting sidetracked by the fact that this stuff happened because of dysfunction, when really you can just explain what you did without providing that context for it.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My new coworkers chat all day long

I’ve looked through some of your posts on dealing with chatty coworkers, but they’re mostly about when chatty coworkers talk to you. I’d like to know what to do about chatty coworkers who chat all the time to each other, not necessarily just to you.

I work in an open area and there are three other young women (20 to 30s) that I work with. They just yak all day about celebrities, gossip, Kate Middleton, food, fashion, boats that pass by outside (we have a waterfront office), the office temperature (It’s always too hot or too cold—I never feel the temperature fluctuations and I suspect they just like having something to complain about.), etc. It’s driving me crazy. One makes personal calls several times a day too for 15 minutes on average to her mother, friends, or just to arrange reservations or social activities. I have my headphones on while I work, but I don’t want to wear headphones all day, put my head down and do work while my coworkers hang around each others’ computers and chat and DON’T WORK.

I am the new hire though, and they’ve been like this before I came along. Should I still talk to my manager about this (even though she’s probably used to it) or HR? Or would I be seen as complaining and making a big deal since they’ve been like this before I’ve come along?

As the newcomer, you’re entering into a culture that is already established, and you don’t really have a lot of prerogative to try to change it if it’s working for everyone else. It’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to alter habits of the rest of an existing group, particularly with a manager who apparently doesn’t care much. As a new hire, the onus is more on you to try to find ways to work effectively within this context.

One thing I’d want to know in your shoes: Is the work something that they can excel at while chatting this much? Or is their productivity suffering? The answer will vary depending on the kind of work they’re doing, but if it is impacting their productivity, you’ve got a management problem on your hands, and that doesn’t bode well.

2. Should I ask if the essential oils I use to treat my headaches are bothering my coworkers?

Our office’s admin keeps making comments about some essential oils I use. Rather than taking aspirin, I like to use essential oils to treat my headaches. The blend that I use smells pretty strongly, and I use it occasionally at work. By occasionally, I mean maybe once every two or three weeks. Our office was just assigned a new admin. The past two times I’ve used it (the only times I’ve used it since she has been employed here), she has made a comment about how it smells. She uses the oils too, so she is familiar with the blend’s smell.

The first time she said something, I brushed it off. But now that she has said something a second time, I’m wondering what her intentions are, because I really can’t tell if she is just trying to make conversation or if she is actually bothered by the smell. Either way her comments make me uncomfortable. I’m also new in the office (I’ve only worked here one month longer than her) and worry that if she is bothered by the smell other people are too.

This last time she came to talk to me, she came and asked if I had a headache because she could smell the oils “all the way at her desk,” which is maybe 20 feet away. I said “Wow, I didn’t realize it was that strong, and I guess you’ll know every time I get a headache.” She hasn’t flat out said, “The smell bothers me,” nor has anyone else that sits around me. Should I address it, or should I just leave it alone?

Ask. If it’s bothering people, that’s something you want to know. So yes, I’d ask — and I’d even ask proactively since she’s commented on it twice. Just say something like, “I should have asked you the last time you mentioned being able to smell the oils. Is the smell bothering you, or have you heard that it’s bothering others? I’d want to be sensitive to that if so.”

When you’re in doubt about whether or not to inquire about whether something you’re doing is bothering others (when it comes to noise, smells, or other similar factors), err on the side of being considerate.

3. Negotiating a sign-on bonus when you have to repay your last employer

My husband’s job offers paid parental leave, so he took 12 weeks to stay home with our baby after I returned to work. He’s currently five weeks in.

He isn’t happy at his job and has been using his leave to search for new opportunities. However, his paid leave comes with a caveat that he has to return to work for at least three months. If he doesn’t, he’ll be responsible for reimbursing his company for the money they paid him while on leave.

If he finds another position before the three months are up, would it be inappropriate to attempt to negotiate for a sign-on bonus with the new company to help defray the cost of paying back his leave pay?

It depends on where your husband is in his career. For junior positions in most fields, it would be pretty hard to negotiate that, but for senior-level positions or in in-demand fields, sure, that’s totally reasonable to raise.

4. Can I contact our board about our change in benefits?

I work at a small credit union that employs 17 employees. The credit union has always covered 80% of our health insurance cost, including the coverage for the employee’s dependants. The CEO has announced that the credit union will no longer cover any cost of the dependant health insurance costs. This will cost my family around $500 per month. Currently I pay $141 per month for myself and my two dependants. I feel this change is going to cause me and other employees a considerable hardship. I would like to discuss this change with the credit union board of directors to ensure they understand how this change is going to negatively impact the employees. However, I am concerned the CEO will take it out on me negatively when she discovers I discussed it with the board. What is your recommendation? Should I discuss this change with the board?

Whoa, no, that’s not typically done. In most organizations, staff do not go directly to the board with concerns (with some clear exceptions, like if the CEO herself is the problem). It’s set up that way for a reason; otherwise, you’d have staff going around the CEO for all sorts of things.

There’s someone in your office who’s the appropriate person to voice your concerns to: It might be the person in charge of benefits, or your own manager, or perhaps the CEO herself. It depends on the internal workings of your particular office, and if you’re not sure, it makes sense to start with your own manager — but this isn’t something you should be approaching the board about. (And in most organizations, doing that would be a serious breach.)

5. How much detail should I go into in my cover letter about the reasons for a spotty job history?

After graduating college several years ago, a handful of bad circumstances required me to move back home, and since then, I’ve mostly been doing part-time, freelance telecommuting work when I can find it. I’ve recently started diving back into the job hunt full-force, and I realize my spotty job record (among so many other things) is going to work against me.

How much is too much when explaining things like this? Telling the whole truth in that I’ve been taking care of my sick grandmother round-the-clock as she struggles with breast cancer seems like too much to drop on somebody in something as preliminary as a cover letter (and I personally feel like it isn’t their business.) However, I would like them to know my somewhat thin job history isn’t simply because of laziness on my part (since I’m also aware I have that “Millennial” tag to fight off,) but that other things simply took precedence. How far can I go in explaining my complicated circumstances without going too far?

“Because I’ve been helping an ill family member since graduating college in 2011, I’ve taken on part-time and freelance work, but I’m now eager to commit myself fully to full-time work.”

That’s it. No need to get into the details of the explanation, just the category (“helping an ill family member”).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Will connecting on LinkedIn make my staff realize how young I am?

I’m 24, and as a young manager I’ve made a point not to tell my employees my age. Up until this point, I think it’s been beneficial, but I now have employees requesting to connect on LinkedIn. I wouldn’t mind connecting if I could restrict information related to schooling and internships, but there isn’t a function for this. What would you suggest? Should I accept the request and show all my information? Should I change my entire profile removing internships and school years? Or do I not accept the request?

Well, it’s probably not like they think you’re 40 and this will unmask you. They know you’re relatively young. And even if you don’t connect on LinkedIn, they can probably already see the relevant dates anyway. (I just did a quick check and I can see job and school years on profiles of people I’m not connected to.)

You (presumably) have your role for a reason, so I say own it. You’re a young manager. If someone has an issue with that that gets in the way of work, you need to address it like anything else that gets in the way of work. But I’d say to trust your staff (and your own management behaviors) to be able to handle the information.

2. Coworker keeps grabbing my ass

A male coworker continues to touch my butt, and I have no idea how to make him stop. It started during my externship and at first I thought it was an accident (their isn’t a lot of space in a pharmacy and people always bump into each other), then while I was filling a prescription he did it again. I felt uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to do or say. After that, whenever he would come close to me, I would make it a point to make as much space in between us. I thought he got my nonverbal queues (I hate confrontations). Shortly after my externship, I got hired and have only been working at this pharmacy for 3 weeks as an employee. This guy is a senior tech who has been their for a few years, and seems to be beloved by all his coworkers.

Earlier today while helping a customer, he touched my butt as he walked by. I was horrified. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to make a scene and now I’m upset with myself for not having the courage to say something to him. Can you please give me some advise on how to make him back off? I’m stressing out.

Go straight to your boss and report what’s happening: “Bob has touched my butt several times. It’s clearly intentional, not accidental. I haven’t said anything to him because I haven’t wanted to make a scene, which I realize now was a mistake, and if it happens again, I’m going to tell him directly to cut it out. But I’d like it not to happen again, so I want you in the loop.”

And then if it happens again: “Hey! Do not touch me there.” (And tone matters here — you need to be direct, assertive, and not apologetic. Don’t worry about making a scene — he’s probably relying on you not wanting a scene, and that’s making it easier for him to do it.) And at that point, you’d also go back to your manager and insist action be taken.

3. Owner suddenly wants staff to call him Mr. ____ “until they earn his respect”

I recently heard a weird request from one of the owners of the company for which I work. He had a discussion about respect with the sales people. One of the results of this discussion was that the sales people could no longer refer this owner as Bruce, which they had been calling him that for years now. He wants them to refer to him as Mr. Springsteen, until he tells them otherwise. Apparently once they earn his respect they can go back to calling him Bruce. In the mean time failure to call him Mr. Springsteen means a person could be sent home early.

I personally think this is beyond bizarre and has actually led me to respecting him less. Because if you are playing respect games…well I’m not going to really respect you anymore. Is there a good reason behind something like this that I’m missing? Or do I work with a loon?

You work with a loon.

4. Does my reference not want to recommend me anymore?

I had a really good reference who supported me throughout the process of getting a job in another city. He was excited when I landed the job and thought it was great.
Well, a couple months into the job I decided I was not a good fit for the company and vice versa. I was very honest and professional with my resignation. I wasn’t a superstar at the job, but I did meet standards I believe. After I resigned, I told this reference in an email that I had, explained it wasn’t a good fit, thanked him for helping me get the job and asked if he’d continue to be a reference for me.

This was three weeks ago, and I didn’t hear back. I may be overreacting but I feel he might be angry that I quit. I have nothing to base that on other than his non-reply. I am nervous, because he was a very solid reference for me and I’m worried I won’t have him for jobs I apply for in the future. Should I reach out again, or wait until I have an interview and ask him then? Should I move on? I have two other good references but his would likely hold the most clout.

You’re reading an awful lot into a non-reply. It’s far more likely that he didn’t respond for other reasons — like that he had higher priorities in his in-box, or put it aside to respond to later and then forgot, or just didn’t think it required a response.

5. Explaining to an old job why I took a different one

My partner and I moved a couple of years ago, and I found a job at a company that just wound up not being a good fit. I think I did a lot of good work for them anyway, but with much overtime and stress. I was never happy but I kept thinking it might improve after I’d been there longer.

I took maternity leave a year into the job. When I came back, work went well for about two weeks before everything at home went haywire. Life got so hard that after struggling for several months, I decided that I would stay home until the baby was older and had better daycare. I told them when I quit that I specifically wanted to quit, because I couldn’t guarantee that I would decide coming back was the best thing for my family, and I wanted them to feel free to replace me. I told them I’d get in touch if I wanted to try working again when my daughter was ready. They said they’d really like me back.

However, I decided I needed to at least look around before going back, and I wound up with an offer for far more money, way better benefits, and a culture that seems closer to what I liked at past jobs. I took it. Now I feel like I should let the old company know I’ve decided not to try to come back. Do you think I owe them that courtesy (I feel like I do)? They are nice people and the professional community is fairly tight. How should I approach this? I wish I had just told them I would not be coming back, but it took some distance to really see objectively how unhappy I was there. Again, they are nice people but it just was a bad fit for me.

Since you told them that you’d get back in touch if you decided you wanted to return to work, it makes sense to update them. You’re not obligated to, but since you want to maintain good relationships with them, there’s no reason not to. But you don’t need to stress too much over what you say; it’s pretty normal that people’s plans change, other opportunities, emerge, etc. I’d just say something like, “I wanted to let you know that I’ve recently joined Firm X as a teapots inspector. I’d been considering returning to work now that Cordelia is a bit older, and they offered me a role I couldn’t turn down. I’d love to stay in touch; my contact info here is ____.”