Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss unfollowed me on Instagram … but still follows everyone else

My senior head of department follows all her team on Instagram. She followed me and then out of the blue unfollowed me. I’m not an over-poster; it’s usually just my dog or a quote, plus family pics. Anyway I checked and she still follows the rest of the team. I never asked her why and went on to unfollow her back! It sounds a bit pathetic, really, but why? It’s been bugging me for ages, and I suppose only she can answer that, but now I feel ostracized. I get a sixth sense she doesn’t like me. Am I being ridiculous?

There are so many reasons this could have happened! Who knows — maybe she’s grieving her dog who looked just like yours and it’s painful to see your photos right now, or she has a schnauzer phobia, or your brother looks like a guy she used to date, or you once posted something really personal that she assumed you wouldn’t want her to see more of, or she clicked unfollow by accident and doesn’t even realize it happened… or sure, maybe she finds you horribly irritating on Instagram, but any of these other possibilities are just as likely too.

That said, when you ask if you’re being ridiculous … what you’re being is human! It’s easy for me to sit here and say you shouldn’t care, it’s only social media, blah blah — but the reality is, when your boss appears to be shutting you out socially in a way she hasn’t done with anyone else on your team, it’s normal to notice and wonder about it. The best thing you can do is to assume it’s one of the harmless reasons above (or even find a way to enjoy the mystery of it, if you can manage that!) and then focus on how she treats you at work. Is she a decent manager who gets you what you need to do your job? If you work on keeping your focus there, it’ll likely take a lot of the sting away.

That said, if your sixth sense that she doesn’t like you is related to anything other than the unfollow, that’s worth exploring more. But that would be about whatever you’re picking up on at work, and what it means for your ability to thrive there (and then the unfollow would be a symptom more than the meat of the issue).

2. Is my current degree program harming my job search?

I am going to school for cybersecurity and am expected to have my bachelor’s degree in less than a year! However, I was recently laid off from my previous job as an administrative assistant due to a lapse in funding for my position (I had been there for a few years). I am actively looking for jobs and had an interview last week for a senior office assistant position, but this week I was informed that I was not selected for the position, with the employer stating I having a strong resume. When I went in for my interview, the hiring manager asked about my education, even congratulated me for making it so far, and asked what I wanted to do with my degree. I answered their questions about my schooling and what I wanted to do, but now I feel that is the reason I was passed over for the job, considering the timing for when I graduate. I have asked for feedback after the rejection, but I want to hear what your thoughts are: is being close to graduation with a bachelor’s degree in an irrelevant field in which I’m currently searching for a job a potential deterrent in why I’m getting passed over?

Yes. It might be different if you were getting a degree in something with a less specific professional focus, but very few people go to school for cybersecurity without the goal of working in that field. So employers assume that as soon as you graduate, you’re likely to change jobs — which means they’re likely to lose you in less than a year. Most people hiring for admin assistants don’t want to go through all the work of training you and waiting for you to master the job, only to have you leave a few months later; they’d rather hire someone more likely to stay for at least a few years. (Obviously things change and anyone could end up leaving sooner — but you’re seeming like a particularly bad bet on that front.)

So you’ve got to think about ways to overcome that. It could mean targeting jobs where your schooling will be an asset, or being vaguer about what you’re in school for, or looking for jobs where staying for less than a year isn’t such a big deal, or some combination of all three.

3. Coworkers think I’m Jewish and invite me to safe spaces, but I’m not Jewish

I have a Jewish-sounding last name and dark curly hair, so people often assume I’m Jewish, but I have no (known) Jewish heritage. I’ll casually correct them if it seems like they’re trying to build a connection over a heritage we don’t actually share, but sometimes I’ll just say nothing.

Yesterday, I received an invitation from a very well-meaning colleague (albeit one I don’t know very well) to an informal conversation about the events occurring in Israel. It was VERY clearly meant for Jewish employees, inviting them to a safe space for Jewish employees to come together and process the events. (Note from Alison: The writer shared the invitation with me and it definitely reads like it’s only being sent to fellow Jews.) There are about 40 individuals on the list, and we are a very large law firm (over 600 attorneys alone), so it’s a relatively intimate group.

Obviously, I’m not going to attend; this is not a space for me. But I’m not sure how to respond to the invitation. Is it best to just ignore it? Thank them for the invitation, decline, and offer support? Am I overthinking this?

Ignoring it would be totally fine if you prefer that, but it would also be fine to write back and say, “Apologies if I’m misreading, but I think from your wording this is intended for Jewish employees so I wanted to let you know I’m not Jewish. But I really support you in doing this and hope you’re okay.”

4. Does “no upward gifting” apply if there’s no gift?

At my job over the past year, for each of the executive’s birthdays there’s been a private channel created on our team messaging tool where all employees have been automatically added, asking us to contribute to an e-card for their birthday. This e-card has no way to give gifts, it’s just positive birthday messages and gifs, but it’s only been done for the executives. Part of this might be because the whole process has been run by what I think is the executive assistant to the C Suite. If the context matters, we’re an approximately 300-person company, not some intimate 10-person startup.

My company does an end-of-the-year employee feedback survey, and if this is inappropriate like I feel it is, then that’d be an anonymous way to comment on it.

Does this birthday card only trigger the no-upwards-gifting rule, or am I biased because I tend to worry our company leans a little “cult of personality” around our executives? If it is inappropriate, what’s the most professional message to give that feedback, without sounding like I want these people to have bad birthdays?

It’s not as bad as if they were pressuring you to contribute money toward gifts for executives, but it’s definitely a little ick — it makes the execs look self-important (even if they had nothing to do with setting this up) and like only their life milestones matter, and it creates inherent pressure to “perform” birthday wishes toward people with power over who don’t give you the same consideration back. It also feels a lot more performative than it would if it were being used within a team for everyone within that team; that’s a context where people would probably have more genuine interest in wishing colleagues a happy birthday, whereas it’s pretty unlikely that people give two craps about the birthday of a random exec multiple levels up who they might never interact with. It’s somewhere on the same continuum with that CEO who made everyone watch a slideshow of his vacation; people just don’t care that much about the personal lives of their company’s leaders.

So yeah, if you feel like mentioning it as part of your anonymous feedback, you wouldn’t be off-base to write something like, “It feels like an odd use of power to organize all-staff birthday greetings for executives and no one else. I’d rather see individual teams recognize the birthdays of their members at all levels, not just managers (with no pressure to participate on either side).”

5. I was offered an interview even though they’d already filled the job

I reached the final interview round for a job I was pretty excited about. A few days before my final interviews (four one-hour interviews), I got a call from the recruiter that an offer had been accepted by another candidate and I was no longer in consideration for the role. Having sunk quite a bit of time preparing for the interview (a previous round of interviews, a written assessment, and numerous hours of prep), I was pretty disappointed, but I understood this is par for the course during a job search.

Here is where something came up that I’m not quite sure what the right call should have been. The interviewer said the team wanted to acknowledge that I had already put quite a bit of time into the process, and, as a show of goodwill, they are all willing to still interview me at the scheduled time in consideration for a future role that might open up. I asked a few questions and was told there was no timeline for when an opening would come up but “maybe sometime next year.” In addition, everything I had done so far would remain in my candidacy package and if I decided to forgo the interview now, I would be fast-tracked through the interview process should a future opportunity open up. I decided to decline the interview but thanked the recruiter for their time and said I would appreciate being contacted if an opportunity became available.

My rationale was this: the benefit of doing the interview would have been to get practice and get my name out to key members of the company. However, the huge drawbacks seemed like 1) I would have to take PTO and give up a lot of time to interview for a non-position when I could put that time to either my current job or further job searching, 2) I was concerned that the interviewers would see this as a waste of time and potentially bias them against me (the interview was scheduled for the Friday before a long weekend), and 3) who knows whether I’ll even be job searching when that future role finally opens?

I followed up with some close mentors afterwards and their opinions were mixed. Some thought I should have gone for it because I had already earmarked that time to interview, done the prep, and “you never know what can come of it.” Others agreed it would’ve been a waste of time and effort and even if I had done well, there was no reason for the company to lock me in as a front-runner for a future position. I know I’m curious what your advice here would be.

Yeah, I wouldn’t have done it either. It sounds like they were offering it mostly out of guilt for short-circuiting your interview process at the last minute, not out of any strong desire to have substantive conversations about a future job. I could maybe see doing it if you hadn’t interviewed with them at all yet, because that could be a chance to get to know each other and explore future possibilities … but you’ve already met with them. I’m skeptical that enough good would come out of doing a non-interview to warrant the time and energy.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss says we can’t celebrate birthdays because of one employee’s religious beliefs

I’ve recently started a new role and so far, I’m loving it. My manager seems to be reasonable and I feel supported. But a situation on our team feels odd and I’m not sure how to navigate it. It’s important to note that I don’t think there is any ill will in this situation, and everybody means well.

My coworker Susie belongs to a religion that doesn’t celebrate any holidays or birthdays, and she doesn’t recognize holidays or the birthdays of coworkers. This usually isn’t an issue, but a few weeks ago, the birthday of another coworker came up. As it was a decadal birthday, two other coworkers, Erica and Jackie, got some cake for her. Our manager said it was a sweet idea, but she didn’t want us to get a card or sing “happy birthday” as she didn’t want Susie to feel excluded. Erica and Jackie are livid that “birthdays are ruined” because of Susie and said they want to talk to our manager again about this.

I’m not sure what’s the best way to proceed. On the one hand, inclusion is a topic dear to my heart and I don’t want Susie to feel uncomfortable or excluded. On the other hand, I think it’s a nice gesture to celebrate a team member’s birthday by singing, signing a card, and bringing cake. Usually I would just ask Susie how she feels about it, but our manager instructed Erica and Jackie to not talk to Susie about her religion. What is your take on this — should we ban birthday celebrations to make sure nobody feels uncomfortable and risk coworkers “blaming” Susie for not being able to celebrate birthdays or should is it okay to expose Susie to some degree of birthday recognition?

Your manager is off-base. I appreciate that she wants to be sensitive to Susie, but it’s fine to celebrate birthdays in your office as long as you’re not celebrating someone’s against their will (so don’t celebrate Susie’s) and as long as you’re not forcing participation from people who don’t want to participate (so don’t insist Susie take part in someone else’s birthday). Susie would almost certainly tell you the same thing — and it’s a problem that your manager has banned anyone from asking her and instead is making decisions on her behalf without asking her directly what she prefers.

One option is to talk to your manager and say, “Could you ask Susie how she prefers we handle this, rather than deciding for her? My strong suspicion is she’ll be fine with us celebrating birthdays as long as she’s not expected to participate and as long as we don’t celebrate hers.” If your boss won’t budge after that, in theory you could ask HR to intervene if you feel like spending the capital (which may or may not make sense, depending on how strongly your team feels about this — but if Erica and Jackie are blaming Susie for “ruining” birthdays, someone may need to, since that’s not going to go anywhere good).

2. My coworker wants to send greeting cards to our houses

I suppose we can all agree that pre-Covid there were some office trends that were harmless but didn’t translate so well to remote work. Popping by one’s cube for a chat, for instance, is more acceptable than popping by one’s home office unannounced.

We have a new team member who is into greeting cards, but is asking people for their home addresses so she can mail them directly since we’re all remote. I’m one of those people and got a “you’re amazing” card for no reason other than the normal onboarding time I spent with her. Now she’s asking me and others if we want to put our names on cards she mails to other people for things. One is a condolence situation when the office already sent a card and gift on behalf of everyone, and then another is Boss’s Day — things that, were we in the office, might not be a big deal, but feel like they cross a line into home life now that we’re remote.

It\s harder to keep personal and professional life separate when you have a coworker who clearly misses the casual chatter/work friendships of an in-office setting. She’s also invited me to hang out on weekends and tried to friend me on social media, both of which I’ve declined. Everyone probably has a different set of boundaries when office work moved to remote, but how do you know which are appropriate and which are inappropriate, and how do you best communicate your preferences yet keep a good working relationship if “appropriate” is a gray area?

When she asks for your home address so she can send you cards: “Oh, no thanks, I prefer not to receive anything at home.” (It sounds like it’s too late for that now, but if she keeps up a steady flow of cards, it’s fine to say at some point, “Thanks for the cards! I prefer not to receive things at home, so I’d be grateful if you’d switch to email or Slack for anything going forward.”)

When she tries to organize a card for something that’s already been taken care of: “We normally do official things from the office; Jane is in charge of sending cards and gifts on behalf of the team. I would rather keep it that way so those things are company efforts and company expenses rather than personal ones.”

Friending coworkers on social media is pretty common so that wouldn’t alarm me (although plenty of people choose not to and it’s fine to ignore the request or explain that you don’t mix social media with work). It’s also fine for her to extend social invitations for outside of work as long as she doesn’t push when you decline. If she continues to ask, explain you’re not usually available on weekends because of your schedule.

To the broader question about boundaries in general: The most important things are that you feel comfortable asserting your own boundaries and that your coworker respects them once you lay them out. If the latter doesn’t happen, that’s a different situation — but so far, it sounds like a situation where you just have to be slightly more direct about what you are and aren’t up for.

3. How to answer, “Is there anything in the job description that gives you pause or would be a big learning curve?”

I’ve been interviewing for jobs, and more than once I’ve been asked, “Is there anything in the job description that gives you pause or would be a big learning curve for you?” These are positions I am fairly well qualified for, so I don’t think the question is about my resume not matching with the job description. I’ve typically replied something along the lines of, “Well, the X work will be slightly new for me, but I am confident in my A, B, C abilities that are also part of this role because of 1, 2, 3.” Is there something I’m missing as a part of this question, or a better way to answer it? I try to sound confident but not cocky.

I don’t love that answer. They’re asking about potential challenges and you’re using it as a way to pivot to talking about your strengths. Some interviewers won’t mind it but some interviewers, like me, will be annoyed. I’d rather hear something like, “X will be new for me — I’m usually pretty quick to pick up new software, but how much learning curve have you typically seen people have with it?” or “I’m curious about how much of the job is doing Y” or “Z is the least familiar to me; how have you seen others approach that when they’re new to it?” or something that engages in a more genuine way with what they’re asking and doesn’t take you right into sales mode.

4. I don’t want to swap work with my coworker

I work in a small office in a client-facing role. Recently, a few of the more interesting projects for clients I’m assigned to have been given to our client service manager. From what I understand, she has requested this type of work. Typically, she works on more operations type responsibilities, including billing and reporting. This was frustrating to me, as this type of project is one of my favorite parts of my job. Further, some of the client service manager’s projects have been assigned to me as a result, so she can take on the projects that I otherwise would be doing.

How do I tactfully bring this up with my manager? I’ve received great feedback, specifically on this type of project. I’m concerned some of more tedious and messy admin type work is being assigned to me because I’m good at it and there have been some performance issues with this client service manager. Normally, I’ve never been the type to say “that’s not in my job description,” but I’m starting to feel some serious resentment as a result of this situation.

Talk to your boss! She may have no idea you feel this way and, if she’s a decent manager, should be receptive to hearing it. Say something like: “I really enjoy doing projects like X and Y — they’re some of my favorite parts of my job. Lately we’ve been giving more of that work to Jane, while giving me parts of her role like Z — which I hadn’t anticipated being part of my role. It’s important to me to continue being the main owner of things like X and Y and ideally keep Z with Jane. Could we revert those responsibilities back to how they’ve historically been?”

5. Can my company force us to CC higher-ups?

If you wish to communicate with your supervisor and get their opinion of a situation, can the company force you to CC the supervisor’s supervisor? I understand if I share a concern and the supervisor says it needs to go to a higher level or they don’t have an answer, so they wish to consult a more knowledgeable source. But sometimes, you just need a little guidance without all the bells and whistles. So can they make you include the upper management?

Yes, they can require that if they want to. It’s an odd choice because it’s almost certainly not a good use of the higher level manager’s time, and it also signals to the lower level managers that they’re not trusted to handle anything on their own … but the company is allowed to run things that way if they want to.

If that’s the practice in your workplace, the way around it is to put fewer things in email and instead talk in-person (or over the phone, etc.).