Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss slapped my hand

I’ve been at my job for a couple months now. I made a minor reporting mistake and quickly corrected it, no big deal. My supervisor, who sits next to me, slid his chair next to me, said “give me your hand” and then lightly/jokingly slapped it, as if he was disciplining a child. I know I shouldn’t have offered my hand, but in the moment I just laughed it off because I was so taken aback by this creepy gesture, when what I really wanted to do was tell him I don’t want him touching me and that this was not appropriate or funny. I also thought it was a pretty embarrassing thing to do to an employee.

I didn’t say anything to him about it, but if it happens again I will say something along the lines of “I don’t want you touching me, please” (he touches my arm/shoulder occasionally sometimes too, which I hate). He is otherwise a nice person but sometimes gives me a weird vibe. Does this just sound like bad judgment (which everyone has occasionally) or an indicator of behaviors that need to be addressed sooner rather than later?

Yes, it was bad judgment. It sounds like he meant it entirely in jest — but it’s not a good idea to even jokingly do that kind of thing at work, especially when you’re the boss. In this case, it sounds like he did it lightly enough and jokingly enough that he didn’t actually HIT you — but play-slapping your hand as if he’s your disciplinarian isn’t appropriate.

Ideally you would have addressed it in the moment; even just a “did you really just slap my hand?” probably would have gotten your point across. It’s not your fault you didn’t — few of us could figure out how to respond well to that in the moment. But I think you’re right not to go back and address it now, unless something like it happens again.

As for occasional arm/shoulder touching, “I don’t want you touching me” is a pretty adversarial thing to say, and it’s hard to deliver without causing some tension in the relationship. It’s absolutely your prerogative to say it, but you might get a better outcome with a softened version of it. For instance: “Hey Bob, I’m weird about being touched on the arm or shoulder — I know you mean it warmly, but I’m just not a touchy-feely person. Thanks for understanding.”

2. Explaining my daily phone call to my kids to a new employer

I have a question on how and when to bring up a real-life problem I worked through this last year – which is that the only way I can keep my two learning-disabled kids on track during the school year is to call and have a 5-15 minute conversation with them about their assignments when they get home at 4 pm. (I can’t emphasize enough how hard I’ve worked to find non-work-day solutions and this really truly is the only right answer for my kids right now and quite possibly for the next few years.)

Currently my office is very flexible and I drop over to the break room to make the call and come back to my desk without any issues, so this question is more related to anxiety about the new school year and having a new job. I want to be proactive (assuming I get the job) since the job I’m interviewing for has an open floor plan. I know not to bring this up in an interview, but to discuss sometime after I actually get the job. I’d love to hear how a manager would like to have me broach this subject.

Having a 5-15 minute conversation once a day shouldn’t be an issue, particularly assuming you’re in an exempt position. That said, you don’t want to take the job and then discover that it is, so I’d bring it up once you receive an offer. Not as a major negotiation item (because I wouldn’t expect it to an issue), but in a pretty casual, “by the way, I want to let you know I do this and make sure it won’t be a problem” type of way toward the end of finalizing the offer details.

3. I was fired for a false reason and then offered my job back

I was terminated two weeks ago and was simply told that it was because I made derogatory comments to and about coworkers. No other information was given to me, at regional or HR level. I am an on-site property manager, which means my apartment is part of my salary, and I had two weeks to move. I tried to contact several superiors in the company to explain that the reason they gave was not true at all, but no one would speak to me. This was a very hard situation for me emotionally, as I have never had any negative interaction with anyone in the company.

I received a call today from HR apologizing and offering my job back, but they still will not give me any information pertaining to my termination. Is this typical practice and should I be leery?

No, that’s not typical at all. I’d say something like, “I really appreciate the apology and the offer of my job back, but can you help me understand what happened? I’d love to come back, but I’m still completely in the dark about why I was let go in the first place and why no one would explain it to me. Before thinking about coming back, I’d want to understand what happened.”

4. Asking for time off for a funeral when starting a new job

I’m starting a new job in three days. I received word last night that my mentor is receiving hospice care and is not expected to live much longer (it sounded like it is a matter of days). He and I are very close and I’m devastated. One of his final requests is that I speak at his funeral, which would be an honor. However, he lives 3000 miles away from me and I would likely have to miss at least a day of work.

What’s the proper protocol here given that it’s my first week? Is it acceptable to ask, very apologetically, for a day off to attend to this issue if needed? Or would that be unreasonable given that I’m brand new? To add to my concerns I’m not sure precisely when the travel would be, which makes it hard to know exactly what to ask for.

Be straightforward with your new manager: “My long-time mentor, to whom I’m very close, isn’t expected to live much longer. I’ve been asked to speak at his funeral. The timing is uncertain, but it’s likely to be soon. Would it be possible for me to take a day off work when it happens, in order to travel to X to attend?”

Unless it would cause a serious problem, most managers are likely to want to try to work with you to make this happen.

5. Should I apply for a more junior position after applying for a stretch position?

I applied to a “stretch” position at a small company that I’m really interested in. I met the majority of the requirements they listed, but I knew I was likely competing with candidates who were more qualified. I haven’t heard back regarding this position, but I’m still interested in working for this company. Recently I saw a posting for a similar job that had lower requirements (1-2 years instead of 3-5 years of experience; I have 3). Should I reapply to the newer position? Or would the hiring manager already have contacted me about this position if they thought I were a good fit since they have my resume on file? Alternatively, would it be okay to just apply to the new job with an updated resume/application?

How long has it been since you applied to the first position? If it was very recent and you might still be under consideration, you risk undercutting that application with the second one to someone more junior. But if it’s been a while and/or you’re confident you’re no longer being considered, you don’t have anything to lose by applying for the second one. It’s possible that the hiring manager would have contacted you if she thought you were a good fit for it, but it’s just as possible that she’s not someone who looks back through recent applications to reach out to people. Either way, there’s no reason not to give it a shot. Make sure you write a new cover letter that explains why you’re so interested in them, and make sure it’s awesome (personalized, conversational, doesn’t summarize your resume) so that you increase your chances of being called this time.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I can’t get a job because of a mistake I made at 17

When I was 17, I made a mistake and got into a fight with my father. The end result, even though he never pressed charges, is a permanent violent felony conviction. I’m 19 now. (The idea was that they didn’t want to saddle my father with the cost of a lawyer, so they charged it as a felony, which bumped it up into adult criminal court, which meant I was eligible for a public defender. The state’s attorney herself said she thought it was a load of bull, but state law says she must prosecute it, under one of the domestic violence laws.)

I’ve actually been offered very good IT jobs, but all of those offers are always rescinded after the employer runs a background check. When they see the word felony, suddenly my skills and qualifications and experience go right out the window, and I go from “When can you start?” to “Please leave.” The problem is, even after telling someone the whole story, they usually understand, but I run into the big P word – Policy. Or, I’m told, “I don’t handle that decision, but I’ll talk to the guy that does, and we’ll call you right back”, and I never hear back from them again.

Am I forever barred from a corporate IT job? Am I destined to ask “do you want fries with that” for the rest of my life? What can I do to assuage the fears of hiring managers that are running away from an imaginary boogeyman?

It can’t be sealed or expunged, after any amount of time, for any amount of money. That’s not an option. The plan right now is to petition the governor for a pardon, but my biggest fear is that, even if granted, it might still show up in the NCIC (FBI’s big computer) and still show up in a background check, and then I’ll get the cold shoulder for not disclosing it. It’s just a little depressing for all of my talents to become a moot point because of something stupid I did when I was a kid.

If you haven’t talked to a (good) lawyer about sealing or expunging it, that’s the next move here. A good lawyer might be able to do something others said wasn’t possible. And while you’re waiting to see how that plays out, I’d recommend (a) applying to smaller employers, because they’re much less likely to do background checks and so it might never come up at all, and (b) networking your ass off, because once people know you and your situation, they’re going to be much more likely to bend the rules for you than relative strangers will.

You might also see if that state’s attorney who told you it was a load of bull would be willing to write a letter for you to that effect, which you could then show to employers.

Good luck with this. Please keep us posted.

2. What’s the best way to resign when your boss will explode?

I work for a very small nonprofit and love my work, my colleagues, and the external partners I get to work with. My supervisor, who is the ED, is the reason I am leaving and the reason for the high turnover.

I have been offered a government contract position, but am unable to start until the background check is complete. I have been warned by all my colleagues of the ED’s behavior when someone resigns. She has fired employees immediately, or if she has allowed them to stay, has created horrible working conditions, become (more) verbally abusive, and in one instance, physically assaulted someone. A former colleague said after she turned in her notice, the ED trapped her in a room, pushed her up against a wall, and screamed at her because she was paranoid that external partners don’t like her and she wanted their names. She was right – her reputation is well known; I am asked constantly by external partners about the work conditions and her behavior. She demonstrates irrational, volatile, and unethical behavior; she is a bully and an abuser. While the entire staff support one another, no one has any trust or confidence in her, everyone is job searching, and all of us experience intense anxiety and stress – one colleague even miscarried because of the stress put on her at work. My health has seriously declined while working here and I have taken more sick leave than I probably have in my entire career.

As I quietly look forward to the day I am able to leave, I wonder what is the best strategy to depart? I want to be professional and support my colleagues, but I have been put through so much abuse that I want to quickly and quietly depart by turning in an immediate resignation, simply because do not think I have the emotional stamina to endure a final three-weeks under even worse conditions.

Give two weeks notice because that’s the professional thing to do and you don’t want to cede the high ground. However, be prepared to leave immediately if she tells you to or if she’s abusive to you. If she’s abusive, you should simply say, “I’d like to work the remaining two weeks and I don’t want to leave the organization in the lurch. However, I need to be treated professionally during that time. I’m not willing to continue to be berated. If we can’t work together without the hostility, it would be better for everyone if I left now.” And then follow through on that if the poor treatment continues. (Make sure that you’re prepared for this possibility, which means having all your things all packed up, personal stuff removed from your computer, etc.) There’s more advice on doing this here.

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Replacing someone who was killed at work

I’m starting a position soon that replaces one of the people who was killed in a recent workplace shooting. Is there anything I should say or do differently when I start? While I obviously won’t be asking questions like, “so what happened to the person who used to work here?” I’m sure that opportunities will arise where I might ask “How did Wakeen do this?” or “Do you know where he would have put this file?” I could possibly also see some resentment or possibly bringing up some bad memories now that there’s someone there to replace them. For what it’s worth, there is an EAP program, and I know they had counseling available after the incident, and I plan to ask my HR person (as opposed to my direct colleagues/supervisors) if there are resources available should I feel it’s needed.

That’s going to be tough for all of you. One of the best things you can do might be to go in knowing that — don’t define success as “no difficult moments around this,” because there surely will be some. And I think it’s okay to ask how the person before did things when you really need to; there might not be a way around that, and I don’t think most people will want you to pretend the person before you never existed (in fact, doing that would be likely to upset people too). But people are unlikely to resent you; they’ll get that you’re in a difficult spot.

And once you get to know people a bit, you might feel comfortable saying something to people directly something like, “This is a tough role to come into, obviously. If there’s anything I’m inadvertently doing that’s making things harder on you, please let me know.”

4. When I traveled for an interview, the employer’s credit card was declined at the hotel

I recently traveled for a job interview in which the potential employer paid for the flight and was supposed to pay for the hotel. It’s a small company so a VP made both arrangements, and provided his credit card number for the room at a first rate hotel. Upon checking in, the hotel said the person’s credit card company was denied. I paid for the room, and collected the room receipt indicating the last 4 numbers of my card. I did not raise this before or after the interview, and left to catch my flight. I know this company is good for the expenses, and I expect there was simply an entry error. I would appreciate recommendations on how to proceed.

Email your contact there with a copy of the receipt and say, “Unfortunately the company card that Bob put my hotel room on didn’t go through, so I put it on my own card when I checked out. I’m attaching the receipt here. Could you help me arrange reimbursement?”

5. Should I visit the job fair booth of a company I just applied for a job with?

I found a government job and the deadline for the online application is August 8. On September 16-17, they have a booth at a job convention. I plan to attend to see them in person since it is so hard to actually meet a recruiter from that department. I’ll be equipped with my resume that I sent online. At the convention, should I mention to the representatives that I’ve already applied online, or should I act like a curious passer-by? What are the chances of them actually taking interest in me as an applicant or as a passer-by?

You definitely shouldn’t act like a curious passer-by who has just stumbled upon them, because you’re not! Walk up, introduce yourself, and explain that you recently applied for the X position, and that you’d love to talk more with them about it if they have time. They might not be equipped to talk with you about that particular job on the spot, but if nothing else, you can expect them to be willing to talk with you about the company in general, its hiring process, and roughly when you might expect to hear something back.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How long of a gap on your resume is too long?

Your blog entries helped me get through a job search, and I just accepted a new position. I’m excited about the new job, but burnt out from the old one. Fortunately, my new boss is flexible with start date, and I am hoping to take some time to recover and travel before I start my new position. Will an employment gap of one month (e.g. leave old job in August, start new one in October) be a red flag on a resume in the future? On LinkedIn? How long of a gap is acceptable before it becomes a red flag?

One month won’t even be noticed. In general, gaps don’t stand out until they’re five or six months or longer, and they don’t become potential red flags until they’re longer than that. The concern on a hiring manager’s side isn’t “oh no, this person took a couple of months to travel / relax / care for family!” They don’t care about that. The concern is, “Does this person have a work gap because they were fired and unable to get re-employed in their field / went to prison / had some sort of spectacular flame-out / ended up being such a weak employee that they couldn’t get hired / lost motivation to work entirely and are only now returning out of desperation / worked as a pimp for that time / otherwise did something concerning?”

A couple of months? Totally fine and unlikely to raise any questions.

2. My job has evolved into doing grocery shopping and child care for my boss

I’ve been with my boss for a couple of years now and was hired under the title of receptionist (then later assistant) and knew that any errands I had to run were solely work-based. However, lately it has become more of me doing personal errands like going to grocery shopping (for the house), picking up their child to and from (many) places, taking the car to get washed, handling their personal home projects that has nothing to do with me or what we do, and even sometimes babysitting during my work hours. Any work that I have to do gets either postponed or I have to do it in half the amount of time.

It has been going on for quite a while now and I’m afraid I am becoming more of a nanny who happens to help at the office. Is this typical for those who are assistants? Or is my boss taking it too far? If so, how do I stop it? The company is just the two of us, which makes it very hard for me to say no or show that I am unhappy with work.

It’s not uncommon in very small businesses like this for the owner to blend business and personal work, and you’re getting dragged into that. A little of this might be the price of working for this particular two-person business, but it sounds like this has gone well beyond the occasional, emergency favor and has become a routine part of the job.

I’d try talking to your boss about the fact that you’d like to stay focused on business tasks only, saying something like, “I’ve been asked to help out with child care and household errands quite a bit lately. While I didn’t mind helping in an emergency, it’s become a regular part of the job. I’d really like to stay focused on assisting the business rather than becoming more of a household employee. Is there a way for us to keep those separate?”

In addition, I’m pretty sure that there’s a legal issue with them doing this — the IRS doesn’t generally allow household employees to be paid through a company payroll (because while businesses are allowed to write off some or all of the cost of employee salaries, individual household employers aren’t), and you might point that out. You could say something like, “In addition to wanting to focus my career on work like XYZ, I think we might be running afoul of tax laws too: The IRS says that businesses can’t take tax deductions for the wages of people doing household work.”

3. Telling a friend I’d get a referral bonus if she’s hired

Is there an etiquette to telling a friend about a referral bonus you could get if they’re hired? I told a very good friend to look at our website, she applied, I referred her, and now she’s got her second interview scheduled. I assume she’d find out about the bonus anyway if she is hired. When/how should I discuss it with her? Should I be expected to share it with her?

No, you’re not expected to share it. Companies use referral bonuses to encourage employees to refer good candidates. If she’s hired, you’re entitled to the full amount. It’s highly unlikely that she’d expect you to share it; you did her a favor by connecting her with the job, and if it’s a rational person, she’s going to be glad that you got a reward out of it. I don’t think you even need to make a point of mentioning it, but if you’d feel better about saying something, just work it in when there’s a natural opening.

4. How to reject internal candidates

I’m an HR manager working in an NGO. A few weeks ago I posted an internal posting for job vacancies we have within our organization. I’ve decided to reject some of the internal applicants because they just don’t fit what we’re looking for. How do I communicate the rejection to them positively? I don’t want to lose any of them.

You’re right that you need to deliver rejections differently when you’re dealing with internal applicants. I’d recommend at least offering to talk with them in person, and being as specific as you can about why they’re not going to advance in the hiring process — and also talking to them about what they might work on developing in order to be competitive for a promotion in the future. You want the basic message to be “we think you’re great because of X / this isn’t the role right now because of Y / I think you can work on Z and better position yourself for consideration down the road.” (Don’t blow smoke up their asses though — if they’re unlikely to ever be serious candidates for promotion, it’s not kind to mislead them.)

5. What’s the difference between HR and Employee Relations?

What is the general/basic difference between HR and Employee Relations? I realize that Employee Relations is usually an extension or leg of HR, but what is the basic difference in most companies?

Employee relations is a subset of HR. HR is a pretty general term that covers compensation, benefits, some hiring assistance, personnel policies, compliance, administration, and sometimes things like employee relations, training, and performance management systems (like evaluations and progressive discipline policies). So technically, employee relations is a piece of that — the piece involved with managing the employer-employee relationship, such as aiding communications between managers and employees, working with managers on disciplinary actions, and helping communicate employer policies. However, HR departments are known by a variety of names, and some organizations call the whole enchilada “employee relations.”