Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A bonus check from my boss’s girlfriend bounced

I used to work for an attorney, Laszlo, who is well-known for being a quirky old hippy uniquely talented at representing society’s underdogs. Laszlo was never stingy when it came to giving money to others, and regularly surprised me with little cash bonuses throughout the year, in addition to a generous year-end bonus.

For a year or two, Laszlo was dating another attorney, Nadja, who specialized in large lawsuits. She lived a few counties over, but on rare occasions I would be happy to help out with a small task relating to one of her cases. In addition to Nadja not having her own staff, these tasks were infrequent and minor enough to not cause a disruption for me, and she was always gracious and appreciative.

One day, about a week after settling a particularly large case (seven figures), Nadja surprised me with a check for $1,000 as a “thank you” for my sporadic assistance. Although I was shocked by the generosity of such a gift, Nadja insisted that I had earned it and that she wanted me to have it.

That check bounced! Not only did I not get $1,000, but it cost me $25 when my bank charged me for the returned check. I had literally no idea how to proceed. Eventually I figured that Nadja would surely be alerted by her bank or notice when reconciling her accounts, and so I waited patiently for her to reach out. She never did. A few months later, Nadja and Laszlo amicably parted ways and I never heard from her again.

While the experience left a sour taste in my mouth, I ultimately shrugged it off, as the $1,000 was a windfall I was neither expecting nor relying upon. Even the $25 fee from my bank was more than compensated for by Laszlo’s steady generosity throughout my long tenure at his office (I never mentioned anything about this to him). But every once in a while I think back to that moment, chuckle in incredulity, and wonder: WWAD? What Would Alison Do?

One option was to mention it to Laszlo — something along the lines of, “This is awkward, but the check Nadja gave me bounced. Do you think she’d want one of us to mention it to her, or should I let it go?”

It’s true that you weren’t expecting or relying on the money, but Laszlo shouldn’t want the person he asks his employee to help to give them a bounced check. Ideally once you told him, he would have mentioned it to Nadja, since it’s not cool for her to borrow his staff, promise them a bonus, and then stiff them on it — although admittedly he sounds like the kind of person who might have simply paid that amount to you directly and not raised it with her.

It also would have been fine to mention it to Nadja directly! Even though the money wasn’t something you were expecting, it still would have been okay to say, “Just a heads-up that the check you gave me was returned when I tried to deposit it.” And then it would have been up to her to decide what, if anything, to do from there.

2. One employee doesn’t like team-building but the rest of my staff loves it

My company encourages team-building, which is typically a couple of days of workshopping around a team issue with a half-day activity for team-building. These are held off-site and somewhere quite nice. Last year I took the team to another area of the country (we’re in Europe) to a fancy hotel, we did 1.5 days workshopping and 0.5 day of activities (something slightly sporty — think electric bike visit of the town) followed by an artistic activity.

One of my team members is unhappy and wants to change jobs but is struggling to find an internal transfer. She has made it clear she will no longer participate in this kind of activity as she doesn’t like me or the rest of the team. (There are other performance-based issues with this colleague, which I am dealing with, but very slowly due to legal framework where we are based.) The rest of my team really appreciate these events, and the workshop aspect usually deals with a strategic topic of interest and value for the whole team and for which I’d like everyone’s input and to develop team buy-in. I’d appreciate your advice on how to balance not excluding my colleague, while not penalizing the rest of my team. We do have smaller workshops on-site, at which she generally doesn’t contribute anything, even if asked for her opinion.

My department in general is very keen on these events, with many of the other teams actually going abroad to hold them. I think that’s excessive to be honest, but I know some of my team members are disappointed they’re not getting that kind of “treat.” Not doing them at all would be very disappointing to my team.

It sounds like the workshop portion is legitimately work-related since you’re talking through work topics and gathering input on work issues. It’s reasonable to require her to attend those (and ideally participate, too; it’s not off-base to tell her ahead of time that she needs to come prepared with thoughts on XYZ). But there’s no reason not to make the activity portion voluntary; she can skip those if she wants to. (And she shouldn’t be penalized, even subtly, for that! Lots of people wouldn’t enjoy electric bikes, for example — or it might be more physically challenging for them than they should be required to disclose. Anyone should be allowed to opt out of the non-work portion without penalty.)

3. Can I ask my interviewer how many women are on the team?

I’m a data engineer in the tech world (mainly at 100-200-person start-ups), which happens to be a very male-dominated field. I’m currently interviewing for new roles, and I’m wondering what the etiquette might be for asking if there would be other women on the team?

More often than not, I find myself interviewing with all-male interview panels, making it hard to figure out what the gender break-down is like on the full team. I’ve tried to use LinkedIn before to suss this out, but it’s not always up-to-date and I can’t always tell who’s on what team.

While the gender aspect is not the only thing I consider when accepting a job, it is a factor. Before becoming a data engineer, I was in other data roles and was often on teams that were 50+% women and non-binary people. As a queer woman, I found these environments made it easier to be myself and trust that my coworkers recognized and valued my skills and contributions. Since transitioning to data engineering, my teams of 15-20 people have had at most 1-2 other women on them. I’ve felt less comfortable and tend to hide parts of myself, which feels sad in fully remote work environments that can already be a bit isolating. While I don’t expect to find even close to 50/50, even just 25/75 would be a win.

However, I’m hesitant to ask about gender breakdowns in interviews because I don’t want them to think that I’m a) criticizing them, b) trying to make them feel bad if they hire a man instead of me, or c) likely to complain about them being misogynistic if they don’t hire me. Is there ever a good way to ask about this?

This is a really normal thing to ask about, and lots of people do it — particularly in male-dominated fields where it’s likely to be an issue. One straightforward way to say it: “As a woman in a male-dominated field, I’m always interested in knowing how many other women are on the team.”

4. Should I send an email about a job rejection when I haven’t been officially rejected yet?

I had an interview last Friday for an internal position within my company, but in a different department. I had my interview and I thought it went well. They told me they would get back to me this week to let me know their decision. No one got back to me, but I was able to see that I was not selected for the position by looking in our hiring system. I haven’t received a rejection email yet, but normally I would reply to thank them for considering me and possibly ask for feedback.

Since I haven’t received a rejection email should I take the initiative and let them know I saw I didn’t get the position and thank them, or should I just let it be and if they send an email do it then and if not just leave it alone? The department is expanding and there is a possibility that more positions could open up, so I would like to leave a good impression.

Don’t preemptively email them to say you saw you didn’t get the job before they’ve contacted you, at least not this early. You’re jumping the gun; give them a chance to contact you first. If several weeks go by with no word, you can check in — but you’d just be checking in, not saying “I saw I didn’t get it.” (In part that’s because you really don’t know so it would be premature; for all we know, their first choice could turn them down and they could come back to you, or they could be preparing to offer you a different role.)

If you’re right that they’ve rejected you and just haven’t told you yet, there’s no urgency around the email you want to send, and you’ll look better if you leave them time to announce the decision themselves.

The earliest to say anything resembling “I saw you hired someone else” is if the new person is announced or starts in the job and you still haven’t heard anything (at which point that’s reasonable to do).

5. Job-searching when you have a clawback agreement with your current employer

Last year, my boss left and for several months I was running our team without officially being promoted to her position, having my title changed to manager, or getting any support from my grandboss. Long story short, I ended up getting an offer for a job I wasn’t sure I wanted two weeks after we hired a new boss who I really really liked. I told her about the offer and she went to bat to keep me, which led to me getting a promotion, a small raise, and a large retention bonus. I had to sign a clawback that I wouldn’t leave for 18 months, which I wasn’t concerned about because the reasons I wanted to leave had all changed.

A week later, my company announced that it was being acquired and started layoffs. Fast forward a year, and I’m miserable. I still love my new boss! But the acquisition-related changes have led to a drastic shift in culture and this is no longer the place I enjoyed working. I’ve been planning to move on as soon as my clawback period is up, and I decided to start looking recently because I assumed it would take a long time to find something. I’m in a high enough position/niche specialty where there aren’t that many jobs to begin with. I thought if I started looking now, maybe I’d find something by the end of the year and could negotiate to start after the holidays (and thus after my clawback period ended).

Except I got a first round interview somewhere that seems like a great fit for me, and they’ve been extremely aggressive with their timeline. I’ve had three interviews in the last two weeks, and the recruiter just reached out to schedule what she said would be the final round for this week. What do I do? If I get an offer, will it totally burn the bridge to tell them at that point about my retention contract and ask to start in January? is it unreasonable to ask for a starting bonus to cover the clawback? Or should I just acknowledge the timing didn’t work out and bow out now?

It’s not at all uncommon in senior-level positions to ask to start a few months out, so definitely don’t assume that’s off the table. If you get an offer, explain you expected their process to take longer, you have a retention bonus of $X that you’ll need to pay back if you leave before (date), and ask what would make the most sense on their side — could you start in January? Or would they be open to including in their offer the bonus you stand to lose so that you’re not out money by coming to work for them? These are really normal things to raise and even if it turns out you can’t reach an agreement that works for everyone, you won’t look out of line for asking.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee doesn’t look at his email when he arrives at work

I’m struggling to determine whether it’s my expectations that are unreasonable or my employee’s communication habits that are not meeting reasonable expectations. He and I work slightly different hours. I come in at 8:30 and he comes in (ostensibly) at 10. We are not collocated and while I can check in on his arrival time occasionally, I can’t be outside his door checking the clock regularly.

It’s not uncommon for me to send an email that requires a response in the morning. He routinely answers well after his start time. For example, an email sent at 9 with a direct request for information is typically answered after noon. I can’t tell if I’m being unrealistic in expecting an answer within an hour of arrival (say, by 11), nor can I tell if this is because of his work habits or if he is arriving later than expected. For what it’s worth, our organization uses Slack as well as email for communication, but he refuses to use Slack. Since it’s not required, I can’t enforce its use even though it’s my preferred way of interacting for quick questions. Including a request for a response by a certain time isn’t effective since he doesn’t seem to review email in the morning.

Should I relax my expectation that emails be reviewed and answered if necessary upon arrival in the morning? What’s the best way to approach this? For what it’s worth, every managerial decision I make is met with a challenge about why I’m making the request and feet dragging to the very edge of acceptability if he disagrees with the request.

You’re the manager; you can simply tell him you need him to check his email immediately upon arriving in the morning and respond to anything time-sensitive right away. You’re getting focused on whether this means he’s coming in late, but that’s a separate issue; the main issue is that you need him looking at his emails first thing, he’s not, and you have standing to tell him that he has to. If he demands to know why, the reason is, “Because you’re missing time-sensitive requests, and this is the only way a 10 am arrival time will work for our team.” (By the way, you also have standing to tell him he needs to use Slack. The fact that your organization doesn’t require it org-wide doesn’t mean you can’t require your team to use it. You can require your team to use whatever tools you determine best serve the work.)

But I think you’ve got bigger problems with this guy and need to start managing him a lot more assertively. He needs to meet the requirements of his job, as laid out by you, his manager, and not drag his feet when he disagrees with a request. By all means, hear him out with an open mind when he has a different perspective on something, but your job is to make the final determination … and you can and should require him to do his job once you make those calls.

2. Will I get in trouble for yelling at our company cameras?

Is it possible to get fired for yelling at the cameras about what corporate is doing wrong at the cameras? Will they actually take any advice or will they just fire you to get you out of the way?

There’s a pretty good chance no one is even going to see it/listen to it unless they have some specific reason to check the cameras at that time. (And even if they do, are you sure there’s sound?) But if they do see it … well, it depends on what you said. I doubt you’d be fired over it unless you yelled something really egregious, but it’s not a particularly good move for your career and how you’re perceived! (Companies aren’t usually, like, promoting the person filmed losing their shit at a camera.) They’re unlikely to take any advice from it seriously, in any case.

Save the yelling for off-camera and outside of work.

3. My manager reacted badly when I called in sick

I have a mother with terminal cancer. I’ve had to call off a couple days when she had to go to the hospital recently. And just today, I think stress has gotten to me and I had to call off sick for myself. My supervisor wasn’t happy when I did, she exclaimed “oh my god” and said I needed to “watch my call-offs.” I have the appropriate time saved but now I’m worried that I can’t call off again basically until something happens to my mom. (I get two weeks off per year, vacation and sick time combined, and I am within that allocated time.)

I don’t want to tarnish my reputation with work, but I also worry about working while sick and bringing in germs. What is the appropriate action to take here? Do I only call off for an absolute emergency? Do I come in with a mask if I’m sick? My work doesn’t have an official handbook but does mention calling off three consecutive days in a row constitutes a doctor’s note.

Your manager was way out of line. It sounds like she feels you’ve been out a lot recently, but you have a terminally ill mother. And frankly, two weeks for both vacation and sick leave is an incredibly small amount of PTO to offer, and the fact that you’re still within that meager allotment despite your family’s situation makes her comment even more outrageous.

I recommend saying this to her: “I was concerned by your response when I was sick last week. My mom is terminally ill and was hospitalized recently, and then I got sick myself, but I am within my allotted PTO for the year. It’s not clear to me how I could have done anything differently, but your response made me worry there’s a concern about my PTO that we should talk about.”

You might also consider talking to HR, especially if this conversation doesn’t go well. Your PTO, stingy as it is, is part of your compensation package, and your company shouldn’t want managers giving people a hard time about using it for sickness and seriously ill family members.

4. When you get injured during an extremely athletic work retreat

A relative of mine has a job at a firm that works within the athletic adventure industry (but the company is not an adventure company or organization — strictly office work, no retail). Several times a year, they hold wildly active retreats where activities could include ziplining, caving, rock climbing, white water rafting, extreme stuff.

On a recent trip, during an activity billed as quite extreme, my relative badly hurt their foot and then was forced to continue walking on it for an additional four hours on a challenging route. Everyone was quite blasé, but my relative did go to the emergency room (in a country that is not their home country) and it was a very bad injury. Their doctor at home has said they cannot walk on the foot for weeks and it will not heal for up to a year. My relative has young children and this is deeply impacting their quality of life. Is there any legal recourse here or any accommodations they should ask for? I believe their medical costs are being covered but this is so beyond just a medical issue, it’s a quality of life issue to me. I am angrier than my relative is, perhaps. Any advice?

Whether there’s any legal recourse will be really, really fact-specific. For example, did participants sign a safety waiver? Was the activity voluntary? Did the employer benefit from their participation in some way? In fact, it’s not even necessarily the case that workers’ comp would cover it (depending partly on what state they’re in).

That means that if it’s something your relative wants to pursue, they should talk to an employment lawyer. A lawyer could look at all the facts of the case and let them know if there’s anything there. But it also sounds like your relative might not be interested in doing that, which is their call to make.

But even if the law doesn’t offer any recourse, they should still ask for their medical bills to be paid, as well as for any accommodations that they need to do their job comfortably and safely while they’re healing.

Related:
my office loves expensive, physically demanding team-building activities

5. Explaining why I’m leaving a job after three months

I took an executive-level job earlier this year. I knew going in that the operations were in dire need of an overhaul, as the core product and how it is sold do not comply with industry standards and even violate certain regulations entirely.

My bosses are not industry experts by any means. This is essentially a vanity project for them, and some of the decisions they’ve made (including to be deliberately non-compliant around some really basic stuff) are super questionable to anyone who does know the field well. I’ve been an expert in the industry for a couple of decades and I took this job because I saw a lot of potential in their operation and thought I could help it thrive.

I have not been at this job for a super long time, but I am extremely frustrated. The changes I am trying to make keep getting walked back because the owners simply don’t understand this industry. There’s one specific change I made to comply with government guidelines that I get pushback for almost weekly, and today I was told that we are going to stop complying. I’ve been completely overruled and am frankly tired of having an argument that I have never had before in my career because this guideline is an industry standard everywhere else.

At this point, I feel like the practices here will reflect badly on me professionally if I stay, so I want to start job-hunting again. But what on earth do I say when a recruiter asks me why I’m leaving this job after three months?

“I took the job for the opportunity to do X, but I’ve learned they feel strongly about not following some government regulations in our field, and that’s not how I work.” That’s it! If they ask you to elaborate, you can give an example or two as long as you keep your tone plain-spoken and drama-free. (That’s a good tone whenever you’re discussing scandal of any kind, because you don’t want the conversation to spiral into discussing the ridiculousness of it all. Otherwise, because it it is ridiculous, you risk getting a recruiter who’s eager to hear all about it … but you want the focus to stay on you and what you can offer the new company.)

This is a very understandable reason to leave a job, and it’s not going to take much more explanation than that.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I referred a friend to my company and she’s made far more friends here than I have

I love my job and my coworkers, but we aren’t a very social bunch. We’ve been remote since Covid and it is going to remain that way, but every once in a while we all go to the office to connect. We do company happy hours, but no one really hangs out outside of work. I am also one of the younger team members; a lot of my coworkers have partners and families and I’m a single woman in my 20s. In my previous jobs, I made lots of friends and really enjoyed the social aspect of work so this part has been a struggle for me, but I’ve stayed at the company because I enjoy my job and have had a lot of wonderful opportunities.

I recently referred a very good friend to a position here. She was a victim of layoffs and was really struggling to find a job. My company is known for being very stable and she seemed like a good fit for the role. She killed it in the interview and was hired. I’m happy for her — she works hard and deserves it. We work in the same side of the business but in different departments (she’s in sales, I’m in operations). She has made a lot of friends in the few weeks she has been there and goes out with them frequently. When we are together, she often talks about all of the fun she has had with her new coworkers. I can’t help but feel jealous that she is having a much more social experience than I have, even after being here for several years.

I know I can’t stop her from socializing with these coworkers (and I don’t want to do that), but it’s hard for me to hear about the fun she is having with them when I have struggled with it. I’m starting to regret referring her because of the anxiety this has caused me. I think it would be better if I didn’t hear these stories, but I don’t want to cause issues. Should I tell my friend I don’t want to hear these stories (at least at length) or should I bite my tongue? Any other tips of dealing with this?

Since she’s a good friend, I think you could level with her about why this is tough for you to hear about so frequently … but as an alternative, why not ask if you can join her some of the time? She’d probably gladly invite you along, especially if you explain that you’ve struggled to find coworkers to connect with socially since you’ve been there.

P.S. It’s almost certainly because she’s in sales; they tend to be a social bunch.

2. Someone is leaving political messages on our office bulletin board

My office has a board near the kitchen/lunch area where people will occasionally hang things up. Usually it’s the typical restaurant menus, thank-you cards, or event flyers, but for the past couple years someone (or several someones) has been occasionally posting anonymous messages. Some of them are overtly political in nature. For example, one said something like, “Inflation is at its highest levels since 1981. Thanks Joe.” Inflation and high gas prices were frequent topics last year, always blaming the current administration. I’ve also found some with anti-working-from-home sentiments, and one that said, “Just 3% of U.S. workers wear ‘business professional’ clothes to work,” which feels super passive-aggressive.

This is obviously inappropriate, regardless of political affiliation, and I feel uncomfortable when I see them. I’ve been throwing them away when I find them, and I know some of my coworkers do the same. I don’t have a clue who’s doing it, so going directly to the source isn’t an option, and we don’t really have an HR department. I’m not sure if there’s anything else I can (or should) do beyond taking them down.

Personally, I would be inclined to respond to the political ones with factchecks and counterpoints, but that’s not necessarily the best thing to do … although if that turns it into a bulletin board war with both sides going back and forth, that at least has the advantage of probably eventually getting the entire thing shut down. (Although for the record, the stuff about business clothes doesn’t seem like a big deal.) I’m not recommending that approach, just saying I’d be tempted.

The more measured option is to just bring it to the attention of whoever in your office is in a position to do something about it. Since you don’t have HR, that might be an admin who manages the space, a manager, or someone else, depending on how things work in your office.

3. Our intern thinks my job is to find them tasks

I work with a team of part-time, developing employees (think student workers or interns). While I’m not technically their manager, I am senior to them and often delegate tasks to this team. I know that part of their role is learning the norms and etiquette of the workplace, so I try to give guidance and be understanding when giving corrections. The nature of my job is that I often need periods of focus, so I’ve been working on creating assignments and areas of responsibility for each intern to develop more self-directed work habits.

I’ve been running into frustration with one worker, Dale, who ends each shift telling me when they will be in the office next so “you have time to come up with more tasks for me.” I snapped the last time they said this and sharply replied that their comment did not sit well with me.

I told Dale that it wasn’t my job to fill their task list; it’s to do work that advances our projects. Their job is to assist all of us in the department and, if there isn’t a clear task to be done next, to ask coworkers or full-time folks if they needed any help, or proactively look at what else could be improved in their area of responsibility.

I’m not quite sure why I found this so annoying. I think it was this sense of entitlement that I existed to give them work experience. I think I could have handled it better, and it always seems we have at least one worker in each cohort with this tendency. What can/should I do to better address this now and in the future?

Yeah, it sounds like you overreacted! It’s not uncommon for student workers and interns to not yet understand the principle you described here. From years in school, they’re used to people coming up with work for them and will often miss the nuance that rubbed you the wrong way. Part of the point of these early jobs is to learn exactly this kind of thing. Plus, Dale might not have even meant it the way you took it; there’s a good chance they just meant “I’m letting you know when I’ll next be in so you know when I’ll be available for anything you want to give me.”

Rather than snapping, it makes sense to just calmly teach the concept you want them to know. For example: “I will let you know if I have tasks for you, but since sometimes I won’t, has anyone talked to you about what to do with your time when you don’t have immediate work on your plate?” … and then from there, let them know how they should be spending that time.

4. Can companies let one person work from home but not let another?

My fiance and I contracted Covid this summer, and she was told to stay home from work until she tested negative. She was out of sick time as she had only started working there six months earlier, her company does not front-load PTO, and and she’d had to use all her sick time for an injury just prior to getting Covid.

She is a project coordinator and asked if she could work from home. She was told by her manager that they only allow work from home during inclement weather. It ended up being five days of no pay for her. Fast forward a few weeks and one of the other project coordinators gets sick and is allowed to work from home. They both have the same job but work in different departments. They have different managers but ultimately work for the same boss above the managers.

She feels like she was singled out and not allowed the same flexibility as her coworker, and it’s really bumming her out (especially because the underwriters for our new home are asking why there is a gap in her paycheck). Are companies allowed to pick and choose which policies apply to which people? She brought it up to HR and they said they are allowed to make decisions on a case by case basis.

It’s legal for companies to pick and choose which policies apply to which people, as long as they aren’t choosing based on an illegal factor (like by race, sex, religion, or other protected class) and as long as their choices don’t have a disparate impact on a protected class (for example, they might not intend to only let people of race X flex their schedules, but somehow it’s worked out that way).

It’s pretty common for different managers to have different policies on working from home; some managers are more comfortable with remote work than others, or see it as a better or worse fit for their team than another manager does. It’s also possible for a company to feel person A has earned the privilege but person B hasn’t (for example, because person B is new or struggling or because nothing got done the last time they worked from home).

That said, when it comes to policies like isolating with a contagious illness, companies should (but aren’t legally required to) think about whether their policies are fair, penalize lower paid workers workers more than higher paid ones, and/or inadvertently incentivize people to come in sick.